It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"What? Sight gags for breakfast? Again??"
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2071

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It was the happiest day of my life. I arrived at the church, my husband waiting at the altar. I walked up the aisle, kissed him on the cheek, smiled ...and closed the lid!

Two guys were talking at a bar. "Did you ever notice after having sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns, and you're all teary-eyed?" The second guy said, "No, why? Do yours?" The first guy responded, "Yeah. I'm guessing it's the pepper spray!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If (when!) your hard drive crashes, you may need your license key information from the Windows Registry. Here's a free program to find them for you:
http://davehope.co.uk/projects/product-key-finder

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"Doctor, ya gotta help me. I just can't stop stealing things!" The doctor examined him carefully and said, "Here. Take these pills for a week. If they don't help, get me a plasma TV!"

What is the condition that describes a preoccupation with cunnilingus? Carpet Tunnel Syndrome.

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Jim Burke recommends Belarc Advisor, a program I've also used for years. It creates a report listing all your PCs hardware and software, including the version, your software licenses, your system's security status, virus protection, and even missing Windows Updates. Print the report and store it somewhere safe so if your PC is ever stolen, melted, crashes or you replace it, you'll know everything that was on it.
http://www.belarc.com/free_download.html

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a CPA? The CPA knows he's boring!

Two condoms walked by a gay bar. One said to the other, "Hey, wanna go in there and get sh‘t-faced?"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

If you've ever had to nuke Windows and reinstall everything, here's a site that can help. Ninite lets you check off programs on a long list, then it downloads and installs all of them, automatically, without intervention. There are some caveats, of course, so read the site carefully before you use. But I bookmarked this site... just in case.
http://ninite.com

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Job interviewer: "Please spell your name." Blonde: "Y, o, u, r..."

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it. Finally, his suspicions were confirmed when she answered, "Honey, if I've told you once, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Neil Rubenking sends along these photos of some amazing Japanese rice art. Crop circles are so 20th century. Look at this rice field art:
http://tinyurl.com/nlgtnp

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A Jewish grandmother took her two grandchildren to the park. Another grandmother said, "Your grandchildren are adorable! How old are they?" She smiled and said, "The lawyer is seven and the doctor is eight!"

Definition of weird: while you're having sex with a pregnant woman, something grabs your d‘ck.

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Another Monday morning. Another ten sight gags:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2061

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How do you make an authentic German Chocolate Cake? First, occupy the kitchen...

Craig Ferguson reported last week that Google will provide free Internet access in airports all across the country for the holidays. That’s fantastic. Previously, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester and world-class animator Al Eufrasio sends along "The Fun Theory." Studies, funded by Volkswagen, show that fun is the easiest way to change people’s behavior for the better. Watch the entertaining evidence at:
http://www.TheFunTheory.com/

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"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop my hands from shaking!" "Do you drink a lot of coffee?" "Not really. I spill most of it!"

Ever since Susan Boyle's first appearance on Britain's Got Talent, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of terrorists hadn't realized what a virgin looks like!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

And in what may be the last word on downloading videos, CyberJokester Matt Carlone recommends Leawo, a free FLV file downloader for Imtermet Explorer. It grabs videos from YouTube and many other flash sites and converts to various formats for free.
http://www.leawo.com/youtube-download/

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If computers only "think" in terms of ones and zeroes, where do all those dirty pictures come from?

A wife bought a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She put them on under her shortest skirt and sat down on the sofa, directly in her husband's line of sight. She crossed and uncrossed her legs enough until hubby finally noticed. "Lisa! Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yes," she answered, in her sexiest voice. He continued, "Thank god. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy Anniversary! It was exactly ten years ago today that I started CyberJoke 3000™. I thought I might have enough jokes to run it for a year or so. But, over 5,000 jokes later, it shows no sign of stopping. With 7,000 members, many of whom submit jokes to me daily, I think we may just be able to go another ten years!

CyberJokester Danny Moran sends along another video helper, this one a collection of over 20 programs to do all sorts of things with your videos... and all for free!
http://www.dvdvideosoft.com/free-dvd-video-software.htm

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The sheik's oil revenues were down so he decided to sell his Star of the Euphrates, once the most valuable diamond in existence. But his pawnbroker would only give him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?" said the sheik, "I paid a million for it! Say... do you know who I am?" The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are!"

What's the difference between Ellen DeGeneres and a Triscuit? One is a snack cracker...

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

While we're on the topic of free converters of YouTube videos, CyberJokester Fluffy sends along one more. It captures YouTube FLV files to your hard drive. Just copy the YouTube URL and paste it at:
http://keepvid.com

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A-quapella: Singing while accompanied only by water from a showerhead.

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester John Holloway reminds me that Zamzar.com also can convert YouTube videos to a number of formats. I knew they did many document and image format conversions but now handle a number of others including CAD.
http://zamzar.com/

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You may have picked the wrong motel if the desk clerk tells you that you can have your room as soon as forensics is done with it!

A new female Army recruit reported for duty at a small post and was told that, although her quarters were in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. Weeks later she learned that meant she was supposed to eat her meals with them.

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Myron Clements recommends the video downloader that I actually use: Video Download Helper, a Firefox plug-in that not only downloads, but also converts video (the conversion feature is not free). Slick and easy.
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/3006

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It's time to limit politicians to two terms: one in office ...and one in jail!

Why is it when a woman is pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say "Congratulations!" yet no one rubs the father's pen‘s and says, "Good job!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Yesterday I told you about a free converter that turns YouTube videos into MP3s. Today, CyberJokester Fluffy sends a site that will convert a YouTube video into a format you can view on your computer or your iPod. It has both an online service and a downloadable program that runs on your computer.
http://vixy.net

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This Economy Is So Bad that... I opened the mail and found a pre-declined credit card. I ordered a Whopper at Burger King and they asked me, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's now play miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. The bank returned my check marked "Insufficient Funds" and I had to call them to ask if they meant me or them. Stock in Hot Wheels is trading higher than GM. McDonalds is selling a quarter-ouncer. The Mafia is laying off judges. Beverly Hills parents fired their nannies and had to learn their kid's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six has stopped leaving the light on.

You know what happens to little angels who spread their legs instead of their wings? Instead of a harp, they get an organ!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Video2MP3 is a free converter that changes YouTube videos into MP3s. Listen to your favorite YouTube videos anywhere.
http://www.video2mp3.net/

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"I want your meanest attack dog," the man told the kennel owner. "I need to protect my business." "No problem," said the kennel owner, "I've got just the dog for you!" Soon they came upon a large snarling dog, biting and clawing at its cage. "This one?" asked the businessman. "Oh, he's not bad, but I have a better one in mind." Next they found a huge vicious dog that snarled at them and tried to bite through the wire of the cage. "Ah," said the man. "This is the one." "No," said the owner. "Keep walking." He led them to a medium-sized dog, lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He didn't even notice the men approach. "This one!" said the proud owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "Are you kidding?! This is no attack dog. He's just lying there, licking his butt!" "Yeah, I know," said the owner. "But that's because he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth!"

Having just finished their first time, he asked, "So, am I your first?" She replied, "Why does everybody keep asking me that?!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

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The new cruise ship musician had trouble keeping time with the rest of the orchestra. Finally the exasperated conductor said, "Look: either you learn to play time or I'm going to throw you overboard. It's up to you, pal: either sync or swim!"

The teacher decided to use flash cards to teach sex education to her class. She held up a flash card of a breast and asked, "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Suzie responded, "I know, teacher. It's a breast. My mommy has two of them." "Very good, Suzie." Next she held up a flash card of a penis. "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Johnny yelled, "I know, teacher! It's a penis. My daddy has two of them!" The teacher responded, "Well, John, it is a penis but your Daddy can't have two of them." "Yes, he does, teacher. He's got a little one that he pees out of and a big one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I want to thank each of you who wrote me last week. It was great to read so many unique, personal and heartfelt messages. You know, I never thought of getting anything out of CyberJoke 3000™, just a way to share my love of jokes with others. Yet, once again, you've proven the old adage that by giving, you get more in return.

My heart seems to be fine and I feel pretty good, all things considered. Each day I get stronger. So, since it is Monday morning, how about some new CyberGags, too:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2051

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Sergeant Pat asked former Lieutenant Mike about his new job, walking a beat way out in the sticks. "Why, Mike? Why'd they assign you way out here?" Mike replied grimly, "Aw, Pat, I arrested the judge on his way to a masquerade ball. How was I to know that convict suit he was wearing was only a costume?" "Well," mused Pat, " 'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "Aye, that there is," said Mike. "Never book a judge by his cover!"

Two adventuresome jackrabbits, Sam and George, stumbled into a field awash in furry lady jackrabbits. George said excitedly, "Let's see how fast we can do 'em all!" and that's exactly what they did. Over and over again, Dan's victory cry went up: "Wham, bam. Thank you, ma'am!" "Wham, bam. Thank you, ma'am!" So George started shouting it, too. "Wham, bam. Thank you, ma'am!" "Wham, bam. Thank you, ma'am!" But suddenly, George's cry of joy changed to one of pain: "Wham, damn! 'Scuse me, Sam!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000β„’

I apologize for today's jokes being so late, but I have a good excuse: Tuesday afternoon I had a heart attack--but now, 24 hours later, I'm doing fine. Fortunately, I called 911 immediately, the paramedics got to my house within 5 minutes, got me to the hospital quickly, and within an hour, I was in the operating room having a stent installed. As soon as it was in, I felt better. By last night I felt pretty good, all things considered. I expect to go home tomorrow. My doctor says it's because I didn't wait to get help. So, take some friendly advice: if something "feels wrong," don't hesitate. Call for help!

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A woman answered her front door to find two young boys holding a list. "Ma'am, we're on a scavenger hunt and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone, and a piece of used carbon paper." "Wow," said the woman, "who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?" The second boy replied, "Our babysitter's boyfriend!"

It had been a long time and the house of ill repute didn't have a selection of young beauties, but the lumberjack thought that experience might compensate so he decided to do it anyway. As they were going at it, he said, "Would you mind opening your legs a little wider?" She did and he continued. After a few minutes, he asked again, "How about opening your legs a little wider?" She did and he continued. But the third time he asked, she complained, "What are you trying to do? Get your balls in, too?" The lumberjack replied, "No. I'm trying to get them out!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Keep your hands on the keyboard and get more done. Only use that mouse as a last resort. Need help? Here are thousands of shortcut keystrokes for you:
http://www.shortcutworld.com/

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On Little Johnny's first day of school, his class started with the pledge of allegiance. "Now put your right hand over your heart and repeat after me," started the teacher, when he noticed Little Johnny's hand was over his right butt cheek. "John, we cannot start until your hand is over your heart." Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart, teacher." After repeated requests, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because, every time I go to Grandma's, she picks me up, pats me there, and says, 'Bless your little heart.' And my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

A man drove up to the general store in a tiny dusty town that time forgot. He tried to make conversation with the little old man rocking on the store's front porch. "What do folks like to do around here?" The old man replied, "We mostly hunt 'n' f*’k." Taken aback by this frankness, the man asked, "Uh, well, what do you hunt?" The old man replied, "Sumptin to f*’k!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Let me remind you that I don't make up these jokes; you do. Or rather, you send them to me, I edit them, and (with Early Warning Bob) make sure there are no duplicates, then send them back to you. So, if you've received CyberJoke 3000™ for more than a week, you owe me at least your favorite joke! Email it here today.

"Sight gags! Getchur steamin' hot sight gags right here!"
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2041

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The hillbilly couple mortgaged their farm so their daughter could go to college. Now, driving her from the bus station on her first visit home, the father was disturbed when his daughter whispered, "Paw, I have a confession to make: I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices Maw and I made to give you an education and you still say 'ain't'!"

A woman complained to her doctor about bad knee pain. After his tests showed nothing, the doctor asked, "Is there something you're doing that you haven't told me? Is there anything that might abuse your knees?" "Well," she said sheepishly, "my husband and I do have sex doggy-style on the floor most nights." "That must be it," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other ways to have sex." She replied, "Not if you're gonna watch TV, there ain't!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Microsoft Word DOCs can contain more than just the text you see while editing. They may well contain information you don't want to share. DocScrubber lets you see the hidden information and scrub it from files before sending them to others." Download it free at:
http://www.javacoolsoftware.com/docscrubber.html

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The teacher gave her second-graders a science lesson on magnets. She showed them how a magnet would pick up nails and other bits of iron and steel. "Now, children, my name begins with 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny proudly announced, "You're a mother!"

When a new boss starts, single women have it rougher than men. One secretary told another, "The new boss has had his eye on me all week. I don't know whether to act interested or busy!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Need to post your email address online but know it's the kiss of "spam death?" This site converts any text to an image so you can hide information from bad guys. You can link to your image or download it and delete it from their server.
http://www.hidetext.net/index.php

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A stockbroker cold-called about a penny stock. "This one's really gonna move. And, it's only $1 a share." "Give me 1,000 shares," said the client. The next day the stock opened at $2. The client called the broker. "You were right. Give me another 5,000 shares." The third day the stock was at $4. The client called the broker again. "Get me 10,000 more shares!" he ordered. The next day, the stock was at $9. Realizing what a great profit he had made in just days, he called his broker again. "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To whom? You're the only one buying that turkey!"

A man with a terrible sore throat asked a pharmacist to recommend something to relieve it. The pharmacist said, "Well, I could sell you a lot of things that won't really do you much good. But, man to man, I'll tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat: I go home and have my wife give me a good blow job." "Sounds great!" says the customer. "Is she home now?"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Norton's new ad campaign features 80s metal band Dokken versus a raw chicken! What what happens when you click "Allow":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOsgqG5OOlM
and "Deny":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGMAgojGNRs
And then watch what happens when UFC fighter Kimbo Slice takes on a leaf-chewing caterpillar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRnPbSKUMEs
and when he's "Allow"-ed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR_FWIbsHXE

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A college dean berated a veteran economics professor for using the same tests for his entire tenure. "Don't you realize that the students have shared these tests for decades? Your students know exactly what's on the test before they take it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor. "The subject is economics; every year, the answers are different!"

A policeman on his beat saw a little boy watching two men fighting and crying, "Daddy, Daddy!" The officer pulled the two men apart and asked the boy, "Son, which one is your father?" "I don't know," said the boy, rubbing the tears from his eyes. "That's what they're fighting about!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

James Dyson, who invented the bagless vacuum cleaner and the 10-second cool air hand dryer, has done it again: a bladeless electric fan!
http://tinyurl.com/yhq3jdp

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A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but doesn't have enough personality to be an accountant!

Did you hear about the $500-a-night call girl who works the Minneapolis-St. Paul area? She's known as "the tail of two cities!"

---

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Fall is in the air and so are your weekly sight gags! This week: newspaper clippings:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2031

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When the waiter delivered a couple's meal at a Chinese restaurant, he also provided them with chopsticks. The wife made quite a show of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. She announced, "As an environmentalist, I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter admired her chopsticks and said, "Very beautiful. Ivory, aren't they?"

A yellow toad asked his fairy godmother to make him brown like the other toads. "I'm tired of being so visible to predators." The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and Poof! he was brown, except for his package, which remained yellow. "Fairy godmother, wait! My package is still yellow!" The fairy godmother replied, "Sorry, I don't do packages. You'll have to see the Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanked her and hopped off on his way. An albino bear encountered the same fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like you did that toad. No lady bear will hang with me because hunters can spot us a mile away." The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and Poof! he was brown, except for his package, which remained snow white. "Fairy godmother, wait! My package is still white!" The fairy godmother replied, "Sorry, I don't do packages. You'll have to see the Wizard of Oz for that." The disgruntled bear replied, "Well, dandy. How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" The fairy godmother replied, "That's easy: just follow the yellow dick toad!"

---

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this wonderful blog post about a guy who waited years for a dinner reservation at the best restaurant in the world. It tells the story of how he flew to Spain, drove two hours, rented a hotel, took a 20-minute taxi through mountains, and paid a $1,000 per plate. Read, watch, and listen to a 30-course meal like none you've ever seen:
http://www.amateurgourmet.com/2009/08/dinner_at_el_bu.html

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When the company performed a password audit, they found a blonde using MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy as her password. When asked why she chose such a long password, she said, "They told me it had to be at least eight characters!"

A woman asked her plastic surgeon for bigger breasts. To help her figure out just how large, he gave her a special, inflatable bra. "Just flap your arms up and down to inflate it." That night, she went to a bar wearing her new bra. Spying an attractive man at the bar, she flapped her arms a few times as she walked over to him. He looked up and started flapping his legs. He said, "Looks like we have the same doctor!"

---

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

UgliestTattoos.com. Enough said!
http://ugliesttattoos.com/

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I got a call from a charity asking me to donate my old clothing to starving people around the world. I told them that anyone who can fit in my clothing isn't starving!

A rather drunken guest asked the host of the party, " 'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that talks?" The host looked with disdain at him and replied, "Certainly not!" "Oh, then I'm terribly sorry. I think I just wiped my a$$ with your parrot!"

---

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever wanted to live atop a live volcano? Now you can! CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this actual California real estate listing:
http://tinyurl.com/ybste85

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A young blonde told her friend, "I'm off men for life! They lie, cheat, and are no good. From now on when I want sex, I'll use my vibrator." "But what if the batteries run out? What will you do?" asked her friend. The blonde replied, "I guess I'll do what I do with my boy friend: fake an orgasm!"

A couple was preparing to have sex when their son walked in as the husband was putting on a condom. Little Johnny asked, "Whatcha doing, Dad?" His dad tried to quickly come up with a story, but failed. "Uh, I'm trying to catch a mouse." Little Johnny said, "Whatcha gonna do when you catch it? F*’k him?!"

---

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Petrucio has written a turn-based strategy computer game where you attempt to destroy your opponent's tower while defending your own. While you can buy it this week at Best Buy for full price, he's offering CyberJoke 3000™ members the download version at a 40% discount! Just enter the coupon code CYBERJOKE40. You can learn more about it here:
http://tinyurl.com/yjm8txp
And you can see screenshots here:
http://tinyurl.com/ygt5q2p

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The newly married couple was suffering from exhaustion. They asked their doctor for advice. "It's not unusual for newlyweds to overdo it at first. All you need is rest. For the next month, limit your sex life to those days of the week with an 'R': Thursday, Friday and Saturday." Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on their first night of scheduled rest, the young bride was as eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned until after midnight before she finally nudged her spouse awake. Confused, he asked, "What day is it?" With a gleam in her eyes, she answered, "Mondray!"

"Children, today's lesson is on sharing. No one has everything they want..." but just then, Little Johnny's hand jerked up into the air. "Teacher! Teacher!" he cried. "Yes, John. What is it?" Little Johnny proclaimed, "My family has everything." "John, don't be silly. Not even the richest man has everything." "We do. My Daddy said so last night." "Really, John? What exactly did he say?" "Last night my sixteen-year-old sister came home and told Daddy that her skinhead boyfriend had gotten her pregnant. And Dad said, 'Oh, God! That's all we need!' "

---

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's Monday. You look like you're ready for a sight gag!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2021

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Phil went to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asked, "How is your sex life?" Phil responded, "I have a lot of issues with sex." The therapist asked, "What kind of issues?" Phil answered, "Oh, mostly Hustler and Penthouse!"

When Antonio came home from school, his grandmother asked him what he'd learned in school that day. Antonio replied, "Well, Grandma, we learned about penises and vaginas and sexual intercourse and masturbation." Grandma slapped Antonio, hard, right upside the head. He ran to his room in tears. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you hit Antonio?" Grandma replied, "Because when I asked him what he learned in school today he started talking about sex and penises and vaginas and masturbation!" "Ma! That's what they do these days--it's called sex education." Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his door, she found Antonio masturbating on his bed. She said, "Antonio, when you've finished your homework, come down and talk to me."

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000β„’

I usually just ask my wife...but what if you're not so fortunate? How do you know if food is still good to eat? There's a site for that!
http://www.stilltasty.com/\

Thanks to everyone who submitted jokes to me today. Keep 'em comin'!

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My wife had a sex change; now it's Saturdays instead of Fridays!

One guy said, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." The second guy asked, "Really? What happened?" The first guy replied, "I got my dΒ‘ck stuck in the bottle!"

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