Mornin' All,

Tijen forwarded me this fine close-embrace.com newsletter, which has a
rather... err... interesting advice column this time. I'm sending it around
partly for its entertainment value and partly for it being related to the
rather serious subject of negotiating boundaries in tango, which
occasionally gets discussed.
(Ew, did I step on a taboo. < ducks under a table > )

Happy Dancing,

Melih

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Welcome to the Close-Embrace.com Newsletter.
....
4. New ASK MALEVA Advice Column - .... & "Help! Men Try To Kiss Me When We
Dance"
....
....

Dear M,

I am a tanguera who loves the close embrace. I also have no problem with
letting myself go in a man's arm during a dance. Thus far, I have found that
most men have been respectful of that and that only a few might insinuate
things after the dance. But I have had two occassions, one very early on in
my tango experience, and one most recently, in which the men attempted to
kiss me full on during the dance. Needless to say, I wasn't very happy
about it and my first reaction was to slap the men. I didn't. I love the
dance too much to have any situation ruin my experience. Anyway, my
question to you is, how do I go about making my intentions clear? That the
outpouring of emotion and passion i have in a dance is strictly for the love
of the dance and not for the dancer. Do you think it would be appropriate
to just say something along those lines before I begin dancing with someone?
Your advice would be much appreciated : )

Thanks,
L

* * *
Dear L,

Ew, how awful! Well, I don't think it would be appropriate or even necessary
to mention that you don't want any 'extra attention' before you begin
dancing because in most cases the 'tango relationship' starts off with rules
and parameters. One of the wonderful things about the tango experience is
that one can feel 'open' during the dance to experience many feelings
without crossing boundaries. There is nothing wrong with flirting or trying
to hook up with a woman at a milonga, but it should happen off the floor,
out to public view, and with the woman's consent. Taking the embrace is not
the same as giving consent to romantic intentions. I think you will find
most of the good dancers are there just to dance and will demonstrate any
romantic feelings through their dance in a respectful way.

Unfortunately, as in the case of the incidents you described, people
can sometimes get swept away by these feelings and there will always be
those few men who will try to take advantage of you during the dance,
whether you 'let go' or not. Some guys think that just because you let them
take you in your arms that you want something more, regardless of the
signals you are sending him. Personally, I think you should have slapped
these guys when they tried to smooch you, or at least pushed them away and
said something to put them in their place. At least, I hope you made it
very clear that what they did was totally inappropriate, and I hope that you
haven't danced with them since. I know you don't want to the reputation of
being a b*tch, but you don't want to be known as easy either. In tango,
sometimes it's better to be the b*tch. Don't be afraid to be strong about
it; if you come off as strong there is less a chance of guys thinking they
can take advantage in the future.

[To be fair, my friend who is a guy, wants to say: "May I ask, do you do
anything a little 'out of the ordinary' to demonstrate your passion for the
dance? Moaning, perhaps? (Some women do this!) Caressing the man's neck? Or
even the dreaded um, 'flip up'? Sometimes the woman has to restrain herself
too!"]

-Maleva
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P.S. What the heck is the 'dreaded flip-up'? (I know I'm gonna regret having
asked this.) -m.



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