"The Funnies"  Thursday  12/10/98

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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
Expectant Times
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting
for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place.  He was absolutely
positive that his wife was going to present him with a boy and wouldn't
hear of anything else. As his leave balance had gone into the red, he
told his father-in-law,

"When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a
father of a boy.  Then I'll have to shell out a lot for parties, etc.
Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the
arrival of my son."

The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The
father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived,
he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come
rushing over."

So he sends the message,
"The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
			 From "The Funnies" Member:  Judib@...
						 +++++++++++++++++++

An Insp[irational Posted From: <<Tinkrtoys8@...>>
					 When the Time Is Right
      There are times when we simply do not know what to do, or where to go,
next. Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering.
      We can get through the times. We can rely on our  disciplines of growth
or program. We can cope by using our faith, other people, and our resources.
      Accept uncertainty. We do not always have to know what to do or where to
go next. We do not always have clear direction. Refusing to accept the
inaction and limbo makes things worse.
      It is okay to temporarily be without direction. Say "I don't know," and
be comfortable with that. We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or
clarity when there is none.
      While waiting for direction, we do not have to put our life on hold. Let
go of anxiety and enjoy life. Relax. Do something fun. Enjoy the love and
beauty in your life. Accomplish small tasks. They may have nothing to do with
solving the problem, or finding direction, but this is what we can do in the
interim.
      Clarity will come. The next step will present itself.  Indecision,
inactivity, and lack of direction will not last forever.
      Today, I will accept my circumstances even if I lack direction and
insight. I will remember to do things that make myself and others feel good
during those times, I will trust that clarity will come of its own accord.
  			 ~~The Language of Letting Go~~ ~~Melody Beattie~~
							 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Businesses Merge to Become,,,,,,
  Since the business world seems to be going through a period of merger
madness, here are some possible new ones -- as collected by Susan Farb
Morris:
  * W.R. Grace Co. buys Fuller Brush, Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale
Business Systems, creating Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
  * Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler merge to
become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
  * Goodyear and 3M = mmmGood.
  * John Deere and Abitibia-Price -- Deere Abi.
  * Zippo Manufacturing, motor car maker Audi, Dofasco and Dakota
Mining become Zip Audi Do Da.
  * Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil become Honey, I'm Home.
  * Denison Mines and Alliance and Metal Mining merge and become
Mine, All Mine.
  * J.C. Penney and 3M and Canadian Opera Company would be t
he 3 Penney Opera.
  * Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women
merge into the new lobbying and tourism organization, Knott NOW.
*  And finally, a thought sent in by a reader identified only as
M. F.jetland. "Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
						 Posted From:  UGA
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things you WON'T hear in church



1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your

    sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month

    I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the

    junior high Sunday school class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay

    our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing choruses I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment

     like our annual stewardship campaign!

			 From the archives of: <<Andychap@...>>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Diet Delights  ***********



*Last summer, frozen food companies had trouble finding qood-quality

vegetables for processing. because of the dry weather. As a result,

many were culled but few were frozen.



There are Diets and There are Diets



*  A diet is a weigh of life.

*  It's something most of us do religiously:  We eat what

    we want and pray we don't gain weight.

*  A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit

    into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

*  One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike:

    If you're thin, don't eat fast.

    If you're fat, don't eat...fast.

*  The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of

    us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

*  The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream

    sundae is a spoon.

*  The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it

    makes one weak.

*  Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, the pause

    that refleshes.

*  Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

*  Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

*  The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.

    It's watching what other people eat.

*  A diet is when you have to go to some length to change

    your width.

*  It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on

    weight, it's the seconds.

*  People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

*  A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts

    its calories instead of its blessings.

					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

The "Pasta" diet:
There's a new pasta diet - Just walk pasta bakery without stopping,
walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream store
without stopping ....
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
And one more.....
Q: What's the Indian word for "lousy hunter"?

A: Vegetarian
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thoughts on Golf



****In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground

with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today,

in civilized society, it is called golf.****



**Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

**Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are

those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

**Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

**The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard,

straight and not too often.

**There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends,

play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

**Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now

it has millions of poor players.

**An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice:

once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

**Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because

the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Results from "The Revival" Meetings:
	 After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing
the results with one another.
	 The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us!
We gained four new families."
	 The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six
new families."
	 The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that!
We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
			 From The Funnies Member: RevTonyuAG@...

============================================================
	 The following story is brought to you from Chicken Soup for
   the Kid's Soul. These books make great Holiday presents or
   stocking stuffers. Order online now or visit your local
   bookstore for the entire selection!
  ============================================================
	 The Day I Figured Out That No One Is Perfect
        Once there was a girl in my class that I thought was
   beautiful and smart. I believed that she was perfect. When
   it came time for my birthday, I invited her to my party, and
   she came.
        A few months later, it was her birthday. I got her a
   special necklace for her birthday. I was so excited thinking
   about how happy she would be to receive my gift.
        I asked her when her birthday party was going to be.
   She replied, "Why do you want to know? You're not invited.
   You're just a dork with glasses!"
        I felt really bad when she said that. I just stood
   there looking at her. Everyone standing by her came to stand
   next to me. Then we all left.
        That day I figured out that even if someone looks
   perfect, there is a very good possibility that they aren't!
   When it comes to perfection, it's how someone treats you
   that is more important than how they look.
  			   by Ellie Logan, 9
=======================================================
	   from Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul
   Copyright 1998 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Patty
   Hansen and Irene Dunlap
=======================================================

A Gift with which to never Part
	 They hadn't seen their Uncle Max for over ten years, but every year
they always sent him birthday greetings.  One year, they remembered
how he had always admired a set of military hairbrushes, so they sent
them to him as a gift.

	 A few weeks later they received a snapshot of their completely bald
uncle with a note that read: " Thanks for the gift.  I will never part with
it."

						 From Kittys' Daily Mews
							 +++++++++++++++++
Somebody
	 Somebody should read the NBA players union the story of the
goose and the golden egg, because the players are just about to kill
the goose with their greed.
	 Cheer up, NBA fans. Spring training is only nine weeks away!
							 ++++++++++++++++

I know Daddy's password!
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran
into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's
password! I know Daddy's password!"
	 "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
						 +++++++++++++++++++++

Vocationally Speaking
* An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the
  value of nothing.

* An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all
  the wounded.

* A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
  shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

* An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
  predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

* A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
  personality to be an accountant.

* A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had
  in a way you don't understand.

* A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
  which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

* A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a
  coffee cup and a doughnut.

* A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls
it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

* A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
  girl enters the room.

* A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

* A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she
liked  children.

* A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.

* A diplomat is someone who can tell you where to go in such a way
  that you will look forward to the trip.
						 Posted From Ed's Joke List
							 ++++++++++++++++++

Shorty's
One afternoon while talking to a neighbor, she told me she went to her
class reunion.  I asked her how she enjoyed it and without pause, she
said quickly, "Well, they all got so old, they didn't recognize me!"
							 ++++++++++++++++++++
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
							 +++++++++++++++++++
	 My doctor sent me a bill with a note that said it was now one
year old. So I returned it with a note that said "Happy Birthday."
							 ++++++++++++++++++++
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life,
thinking they had no faults at all
							 ++++++++++++++++++++
The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw
a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.  Fortunately, it was a draft,
so he was able to dodge it.
							 +++++++++++++++++++++++
"Do you believe
	 "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked
one of his employees.
	 "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.
	 "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss
went on. "After  you left early yesterday to go to your
grandmother's funeral she stopped in to see you."
							 +++++++++++++++++
Q: How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
A: He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.
							 ++++++++++++++++++

Greatfully Yours,,,,I Think
	 One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to
find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.  He stopped at a
farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was
invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.  Once inside the
house, he complained of being thirsty.  The woman handed him an
enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.  After taking a big swig,
the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are
most generous!"
    She replied modestly, "It's nothing.  My family wouldn't drink that
milk because we found a dead rat in it."
    Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his
mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on
the stone.
    The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought
it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful
pig!  I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk
to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's
potty!"
							 ++++++++++++++++++++

The Manuver To Save Lives
	 As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I
had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was
discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely
interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
	 "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued
the lecture.
	 A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how
does physics save lives?" he persisted.
	 "It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school,"
replied the professor.
				 From the Files of Andychap@...
							 ++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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"The Funnies" An Extra  12/8/98

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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================

The Innkeeper's Tale
by Ralph F. Wilson

  They think I'm some kind of cruel, heartless landlord. Someone must have told
them that. But they're wrong, just plain wrong, and it's time to set the
record straight, once and for all.

   People say I'm an innkeeper. I suppose you'd call it an inn. To us it's just
a big house. My grandfather, Joshua ben-Yahoudi, built it back when his
trading business was at a peak. And he built it big enough to fit all fourteen
kids.

   Well, a few years ago, the missus and I were just rattling around in that
big house--kids grown up and all--and we were thinking, maybe we could take in
a few travelers. Rachel has always been mighty good in the kitchen, so we just
let out word that we'd take people in, and they started to come. Every night
we'd have a person or two, sometimes more. People would always come back when
they came to town again, intent on another bowl of Rachel's lamb stew.

   Then came that blankety-blank census the governor thought up. Taxation, pure
and simple! People from all over the province flooded into town that week.
Filled us clean up. Rachel and I slept in the main room where we always do,
and we started putting guests in the other three rooms. They kept coming. Then
we doubled up two or three families to a room. They kept coming. Finally, when
we had filled the main room with four families plus Rachel and me, we started
turning people away.

   I must have gotten in and out of bed ten times that night, stumbling over
bodies to get to the door. "No more room, sorry folks. No more room. Come back
in the morning. We have a couple of families leaving then." They'd mutter
something and head back to their party, and sleep somewhere next to a house
under the shelter of a blanket. I just couldn't make any more room. That's the
honest truth.

   But I did make room for one more couple. Joseph was a burly man with big
arms and strong hands, down from Nazareth, I think he said. He wouldn't take
"no" for an answer. I would say, "No, I'm sorry," and he'd tell my about his
"little Mary." Well, when I saw "little Mary" she wasn't very little. She was
just about as pregnant as a woman can get, and awfully pale. While Joseph was
pleading, I saw her grab her tummy in pain, and I knew I couldn't let her have
that baby outside in the wind and sleet.

   The barn. That would just have to do, I told myself, and led them and their
donkey out back. Now it was pretty crowded, so I shooed several animals into
the pen outside to make room in one dry corner. Joseph said, "We sure are
grateful, sir." Then with a serious look, he asked me, "Do you know where I
can find a midwife in these parts? We might need her tomorrow or the next
day."

   That man didn't know much about having babies, it was plain enough to see. I
ran to Aunt Sarah's house and pounded on the door until her husband came. "One
of the travelers is having a baby," I told him. "I'll wait while Aunt Sarah
gets dressed." I stopped a moment to catch my breath. "And tell her to hurry."

   By the time we got back to the barn, Joseph had "little Mary" settled on
some soft, clean hay, wrapped up in a blanket, wiping the perspiration off her
brow, and was speaking softly to her as she fought the waves of pain. Aunt
Sarah sent me to get my Rachel, and then pushed Joseph and me out of the barn.
"This ain't no place for men," she said.

   We waited just outside in the shelter of the barn for hours, it seemed like.
Well, all of a sudden, we hear a little cry. "You've got a baby boy," Aunt
Sarah was saying as we peeped around the corner. She hands the young-un to
Rachel, and she wraps it up in those swaddling bands she had saved. Cute
little thing, I tell you.

   Well, Joseph goes over to Mary and gives her a big hug, and a kiss on the
cheek, and Rachel hands Mary the baby, and then comes over to me and takes my
hand. "Remember when our Joshua was born?" she whispers.

   The lantern was blowing almost out, the cattle were lowing softly, and baby
Jesus was asleep in his mother's arms. That's how I left them as I walked Aunt
Sarah home. Chilly wind, though the sleet had stopped.

   By the time I got back, Rachel was in bed, and I was about ready to put out
the light, step over sleeping bodies, and get under the warm covers, when I
heard some murmuring out by the barn.

   I'd better check, I told myself. When I peeped in, I saw shepherds. Raggedy,
smelly old shepherds were kneeling down on the filthy barn floor as if they
were praying. The oldest one was saying something to Joseph about angels and
the Messiah. And the rest of them just knelt there with their heads bowed,
some with tears running down their faces.

   I coughed out loud, and Joseph looked up. I was almost ready to run those
thieving shepherds off, when Joseph motioned to me with his hand. "It's okay,"
he whispered. "They've come to see the Christ-baby."

   The Christ-baby? The Messiah? That was when I knelt, too. And watched, and
prayed, and listened to the old shepherd recount his story of angels and
heavenly glory, and the sign of a holy baby, wrapped in swaddling bands, to be
found in a stable-manger.

   My Lord,, it was my stable where the Christ-baby was born. My manger he
rested in. My straw, my lamp, my wife Rachel assisting at his birth.

   The shepherds left after a while. Some of them leaned over and kissed the
sleeping Christ-child before they departed. I know I did.

   I'll always be glad I made room in the barn for that family-- that holy
family. You see, I'm not some mean inn-keeper. I was there. I saw him. And,
you know, years later that boy came back to Bethlehem, this time telling about
the Kingdom of God. Oh, I believe in him, I tell you. I was there. And, mark
my words, if you'd seen what I've seen, you'd be a believer, to
======================================
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
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"The Funnies"  "The Funnies"  Wednesday  12/9/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================

  Being Scottish Means,,, (Sorry but your turn to be in "The barrel")
* A lot of ethic groups are known for being tight with money.
   Other groups are known to drink too much. Some groups are
   even known for being people of few words.  Only the Scots
   however have combined all these traits and thrown in a kilt
   and bagpipes for good measure.
                                 - - - - -
* The Scot told his wife, "Be sure now to take off your new eye
   glasses if you're not looking at anything."
                                 - - - - -
* A Scotsman's last daughter got married and the old man was
   just thrilled to death -- the confetti was getting dirty.
                                 - - - - -
* The jet plane started to rattle.  Quickly, the pilot turned
   northward.  As soon as they crossed the border into Scotland,
   everything tightened up.
                                 - - - - -
*   A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains he's
   off to Glasgow on his honeymoon.  His friend asks, "And just
   where is your wife."
     "She's seen Glasgow." the groom replied.
                                 - - - - -
*   Mr MacTavish was very sick.  His wife sat at his bedside
   after the doctor had said no more could be done.  The man
   said, "I don't think I'm going to make it thru the nite."
     The wife replied, "I've got to finish my chores, but if
   you feel yourself slipping away before I return, please be
   sure to blow out the candle."
			 From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@...>
=============================================
	 **Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
      (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
       (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
	 Message Board: www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
**Not an endorsement but for credit purposes only. Sanitized before use
in "The Funnies"
=======================================================

Think on These Things!
shared by Randy Walker, The Good Humor man



**Sign seen in a vegetable garden:

  "Weed 'em and reap!"

** What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy,
and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

		 A pool table.

** Boycott shampoo!  Demand the REAL poo!

** How do crazy people go through the forest?

  They take the psycho path.

** How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?

  She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

** What do you call four Spaniards in quicksand?
   Quatro sinko.

** What do you get from a pampered cow?
   Spoiled milk.

** What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

   Frostbite.

** What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

  A pachydermatologist

** What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

  A nervous wreck.

** Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

  They all have phones.

						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Blessing On Friendship

  	 Father, I ask you to bless my friend reading this right now!
Reveal to them Your love and power.
Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment.
	 Where there is pain, give them Your peace & mercy.  Where there is
self-doubting, release a renewed confidence in Your ability to work
through them.
   	 Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I ask You to give them
understanding, patience, & strength as they learn submission to Your
leading.
   	 Where there is spiritual stagnation, I ask You to renew them by
revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy
with You.
  	 Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your
courage.
   	 Where there is a sin blocking them, reveal it, and break its hold
over my friends' life.
   	 Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders,
and friends to support, and encourage them.

	 Give each of them discernment to recognize the demonic aroundthem,
and reveal to them the power they have in Christ Jesus to defeat it.
  	 I ask You to do these things in Jesus name!
   			 In Christian love,
				 Your Friend in Jesus
						   Sent From "The Funnies" Member:
 						 Bob McGee <<RMcgee5880@...>>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



The Sounds of Life
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number
of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
perfectly again.

The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor's in a month for a final
check on the new equipment.  After some tests, the doctor proclaimed,
"Your hearing is perfect!"

"Thank you for helping me," replied the elderly man.

"You're welcome," said the doctor.  "Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."

"Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations I used to miss, replied the elderly gentleman.

"Really!?" questioned the doctor.  You must still be marveling at
being able to hear again and just not ready to believe it
yourself.  That must be why you haven't told them."

"Well, no that's not it exactly, but I have changed my will three
times!"
		 Contributed by: Sylvia  Posted From: Joke of the Day
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++

It's what's inside that counts.

The Doctor recommended exercise, to help my body heal,

He said to walk a mile a day, just to see how I would feel.

And if I dropped a pound or so, that would be a bonus plan.

So I thought about his kind advice, that skinny little man.



I joined the Ladies Fitness Club it's really close at hand,

I got all the right equipment, shorts, shoes and nice wide headband.

I took my water bottle and towel in case I felt a little hot,

I was prepared to give my all, and my all is quite a lot.



Before the class began I had to take all the tests,

My blood pressure, my weight, Oh no, and then my pulse at rest.

They showed me all the equipment that makes the body fit,

Now I was set to get in shape, a week or two should do it.



I huffed and puffed my way upstairs, "That's where you change", she said,

It was forty minutes later and I wish I'd stayed in bed,

I even lost a pound or two, doing all those sports,

Stretching, pulling, tugging, that was getting in my spandex shorts.



So I hopped on this machine, a gentle stroll, it said,

As the belt goes round I walked and walked my 'Walkman' on my head.

It started going faster, and faster, faster still,

My thumb was on the button that clearly said, "Down Hill"



Next I tried the gym, and laid down on my mat,

I moved my legs to music, did push ups, stuff like that,

I rolled around for quite a while this fitness is a breeze,

When I got up to run around, I was stuck there on my knees.



So I went home ate a three course meal, and took a two- hour nap,

I ached all over, and felt rotten, yet decided not to flap,

When I awoke I was determined, I knew I was on the right track,

I went straight back to that fitness place, and got my money back.



You see jumping up and down, well that really isn't me,

A gentle stroll around the block, well, that's a possibility,

Yet when I look into the mirror, and notice parts of me that bounce,

I may have to be content and tell myself, it's what's inside that counts.
		 Submitted by: Ann M. King <annking@...>
				 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


What you get for your Insurance

	 Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance

company.

 	 Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty

thousand and I want my money."

 	 The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't

work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured

and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

 	 There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel

the policy on my husband." (or cash it in!)

					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TELLING IT LIKE IT IS
	 A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.  She
charged that he had called her a pig.  The man was found guilty and
fined.
	  After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call
Mrs. Johnson a pig?"  The judge said that was true.
	 "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no
fear of legal action.
	  The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon,
Mrs. Johnson."
				 From: Diamant Roni <ronid@...>
                        	 Posted From:  Bill's Punch Line
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TALKING TOO MUCH

	 A husband had always been disdainful of people who,  in his estimation,
talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men
use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.
	 The wife thought about that a moment, then concluded, "That's because
women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands.", to which he
looked up and asked, "Come again?"
	 I REST MY CASE!
						 +++++++++++++++++++++

Hey Doc!  I'm Cured!  I'm Free!

	 Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had

an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives

them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed

cured and free to go.

	 Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he

understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions

correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked

out one of your eyes?"

	 Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

	 "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

	 "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's

hand, and told him he was free.

	 On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon

mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what

questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

	 So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities

and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

	 Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct

answer said, "I'd be half blind."

	 The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut

off the other ear?"

	 "I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

	 "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

	 "My hat would fall down over my eyes."
					 Posted From Jokeaday
						 +++++++++++++++

How Lawyers Bill their Clients
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm

that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly

billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything

but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that

the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN

DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AT ALL -- $125.
					 More from: Jokeaday
					 +++++++++++++++++++++

I Tried to Tell you,didn't I ?
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

     "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well,
you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life
miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly
right. You want to speak with her? All right."

      He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

      "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!

						 Contributed by Pixie196
				   Posted From: Daily-Humor@onelist.com
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

How Many Do you Have?
Two friends were discussing the strength of Wall Street.  “Why would the stock
market fall?” asked the first.  “This economy has created so many jobs.”
“Yeah, I know,” replied the second man.  “I have three of them.”
						 ====================
What's Your Third?
Walking into a lawyer’s office, a man asked what the barrister’s rates were.
“Fifty dollars for three questions,” the lawyer stated.  “Isn’t that awfully
expensive?” the man asked.  “Yes,” the lawyer replied.  “What’s your third
question?”
						 ===================
I've Got Ten What, doctor?
A man went to his doctor to find out why he had been having such severe
headaches.  The doctor ran some tests and after a few hours called the man
into his office.  “I have terrible news,” he told his patient.  “Your
condition is terminal.”  “Oh no!” the man wailed.  “How long do I have?”  “Ten
. . .” began the doctor.  “Ten what?” the patient interrupted.  “Days? Months?
Years?”  “Nine,” said the doctor, “eight, seven, six, five . . .”
						 =========================
.......and How Long Does It Take you ????
A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his
wife’s routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.
“After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were
robbing her of precious time and energy,” the man reported.  “Taking note of
how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one
item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time.”  “Did
it work?” the teacher asked.  “It sure did,” replied the businessman.
“Instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes me seven.”
		 The following were posted from:jershie@...
						 and his all clean humor letter
							 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Living in "These Days",,,

* I saw an ad in the paper the other day for a battery charger.
   At the bottom of the ad it said, "Batteries not included".

* I worry about hospitals.  How can you expect to get better in
   a place that calls what you had for lunch "Swiss Steak" ?

* Ya know I'd feel far more confident about the US Government
   insuring my bank account if they weren't umpteen trillion
   dollars in debt.

* There's talk in Washington of downsizing the Government too,
   the way private industry is currently doing in the US.  But
   before y'all cheer, understand, they're talking about closing
   16 of the 50 states.
                         - - - - -
		 From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@...> posted From: UGA
						 ++++++++++++++++++++

Venting about contempoary life

**This holiday season, please remember the needy and unemployed,
especially those poor NBA players.
**I don't mean to be ugly, but who wore the dress at Dennis Rodman's
wedding?
**The week before Thanksgiving I overheard recent college grad
asking her secretary, "Is Thanksgiving on Thursday this year?"
**I'd rather have a friend like Linda Tripp than a husband like Bill
Clinton.
**And I wouldn't want either.
**I for one don't object to Clinton leaving the country. It's the fact
that he keeps coming back that bothers me.
**All generalizations are false, including this one.
**Barney make me glad that dinosaurs are extinct.
**Older people are younger today than older people were when we
were young.
**I'm at a place somewhere between "haste makes waste" and
"he who hesitates is lost."

	 Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
			 Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@...>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
More Vents:
**Actually, the people in Arkansas are still kind of proud of Bill
Clinton. At least Monica wasn't kin.

**Santa in a commercial bragging about losing weight? Are the
advertisers trying to spoil my Christmas?

**I pointed out to my doctor that I have done the right thing by not
following his advice a number of times. He said medicine is more of an
art than a science. So I'm thinking about getting him a paint by numbers
set for Christmas.

**First I get a letter-to-the-editor published, then I receive a hate
letter in response. I feel like such a celebrity!

*My spinster aunt recently died and she had all women pallbearers. She
had said about men, "They didn't take me out when I was alive and they
won't do it when I'm dead."

**Your new CB radio? Are they finally becoming trendy or are you just
kinda slow?

**If you want to get away from the hustle and bustle of metro Atlanta,
drive down the Georgia coast to Jekyll and hide.

**I asked my husband to please solve the mildew problem in our bathroom.
He did. Now we shower at the Y.
	 C Monday, Dec. 7, 1998 HThe Atlanta Journal-Constitution
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
To Begin your Day........ you'll not regret reading this one from Jack!

See: Acts 28: 25-28    An Inspirational: From Jack: USN58@...
	 You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but
never perceiving.

When I was very young, I became intrigued by my father nailing something
together, so I ask if he would show me how to pound nails.  He said he would,
but that I needed to wait until he could provide me with some scrap wood.  A
few days later dad brought home a big old stump about fifteen inches in
diameter and perhaps twenty inches long, flat on both ends.  He then produced
an old rust covered bucket filled to the brim with used nails of every size
and shape, not a straight one in the bunch.  He gave me a hammer and a piece
of railroad rail to straighten out those bent nails. Then I was to pound them,
one by one, into the end of that old log.

Back in those days there wasn't much to do in the middle of winter, as TV was
still somewhat Sci-Fi in its conception.  So, on those long winter days I
would go down in the basement, pull that piece of railroad rail next to our
hot coal stove and begin straightening out one nail at a time, then pounding
them into that old stump.  Over time I filled one end of that stump with nails
then turned it over and began to fill the other end.  Come the Spring thaw, I
had both ends of that stump full of nails and had begun pounding them around
the middle of that log.

Well, all that straightening and pounding taught me a lot about how to fill a
log full of crooked nails and gave me a lot of sore thumbs, but I got real
good at doing it.  I had developed an enormous amount of knowledge about
pounding nails, but to tell the truth, the only thing I could build was a very
over-weight armor-plated log.  What I lacked was the understanding, which is
the product of knowledge.  With understanding we can build a boat or a
battleship.

Dear friends, every Sunday we go into our nice warm churches and get our
theology all straightened out one lesson at a time.  Then we pound that
knowledge into our church doctrine as if it's forever.  Overtime many of us
gain more theological knowledge than all the Christians during the time of
Christ, including the apostles.  What we lack is understanding, which is a
product of knowledge.  With understanding we can build a cross or a church.

If all we do is to go to church to straighten out our theology, then we will
end up with a very overweight piece of dead wood.  We have got to get our
"blessed assurances" out of the church.  We need to complete a marriage of our
theology with understanding to closer experience the power of God in our
lives.  Do you know what the first lesson might be?  As Jesus turned water
into wine, we might have to turn our armor-plated hard-headed heart into clay
and allow God to re-mold our knowledge into understanding.

"Lord, we are tired of cloaking our ignorance in robes of blind obedience and
calling it spirituality.  We are tired of religious exercises that make us
feel better for a while but bear little lasting fruit.  We are tired of a form
of godliness without power.  God help us. Amen."  Intercessory Prayer-- Rev.
Dutch Sheets.
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++



LIFE'S LITTLE FRUSTRATIONS

	 "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell

God your needs and don't forget to thank him for his answers.

If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more

wonderful than the human mind can understand." — Paul the

Apostle (Philippians 4:6-7, TLB)

	 Paul Dickson discovered that the size of the cut he inflicted on

himself while shaving was directly proportionate to the importance

of the event he was shaving for. That led him to an interest in

other "universal laws" evident in daily life. The following are a

few of the many he has collected:

	 1. "No books you lend are lost except those you particularly want

to keep.

	 2. "There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire

someone, or tell your kids not to do it.

	 3. "You can throw a burnt match out of the window of your car and

start a forest fire easier than you can start one under dry logs in

your fireplace with a box of matches and the complete edition of

the Sunday newspaper."

	 Let's face it, more often than not it's life's little annoyances that

get to us and hit our "worry" button. And most of us have at least

one such button—one area of weakness—that God wants us to
work through and overcome.

	 And as long as I have a "worry button" that is still very active, it's a

reminder that I still have some growing to do—and will do until I can

get to the place where I quit worrying and trust God for everything!

Hmm. I see I still have a ways to go!
     From: Daily Encounter  With Dick Innes ~ ACTS International
		 as Posted In:  Tidbits Daily/weekend devotionals
To subscribe to the free Tidbits DAILY Devotional, send an

e-mail to:  tidbits-request@...  and put SUBSCRIBE

in the BODY of the e-mail.
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jerusalem . . .has not listened to the LORD. . . .
It has not put its trust in the LORD or asked for his help.
                                       ZEPHANIAH 3:1-2

George Burns played the part of God in a movie called Oh, God!
In the same movie, John Denver played a supermarket employee.
One day God gave the employee a message for the world.
Getting people to believe the message turned out to be next to
impossible. The employee was ridiculed and called a "religious nut."
`He grew angry and complained bitterly to God.
	 The employee's reaction was very much like Jerusalem's reaction
in today's reading. Instead of trusting and asking for help,
he simply got angry and complained.
	 How do I react when I run into problems in my service of God?

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I, the LORD your God,
am with you wherever you go.         JOSHUA 1:9
				 Posted From :  <<GenYouth@...>>
						 +++++++++++++++++++

I Wasn't Talking To You
	 As he was growing up Robert had many experiences that taught

him the importance of sincere prayer. Now that he has his own

family Robert wanted to make sure that his little boy also learned

the importance of a sincere prayer.

	 Robert had noticed that when his little boy prayed he usually said

the same things every time. One night, Robert decided that it was

time to teach his son that it was important to make sure that he

wasn't just repeating the same words, but actually praying a

sincere prayer.

	 As they knelt next to the bed Robert explained how Junior should

pray and then told him to try it. Junior closed his eyes and was

silent for quite a while. As Robert was about to peek and encourage

Junior, Junior jumped onto his bed and under the covers.

	 Surprised that Junior didn't even say anything Robert said: "I didn't

hear a prayer.". Then Junior surprised him by answering: "That's

because I wasn't talking to you. Goodnight Daddy."

			   Submitted by Frstdown@...

				 Posted From:  Tidbits Devotional
					 +++++++++++++++++++

That's In the Bible????
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah--he was floating his stock while everyone else was in

liquidation.



Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharoah's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile

and drew out a little prophet.



Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A. Ruth-less.



Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

A. Nebuchadnezzar--he was on grass for seven years.



Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

A. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.

A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle:

We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."



Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson--he brought the house down.



Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain

struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants

and the Angels were rained out.



Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden

of Eden?

A. They were really put out.



Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they

were kicked out?

A. They really raised Cain.



Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no

longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.



Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window

to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?

A. They used floodlights.



Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David--he rocked Goliath to sleep.



Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a

slingshot?

A. The thought had never entered his head before.



Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about

David and Goliath?

A. No, he already fell for it once.



Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.



Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?

A. Turn right and go straight.



Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker
in the Bible?

A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.



Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around the Jordan--the banks were always overflowing.



Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?

A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, "I had come to be at

ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by

the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."



Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

A. When Joseph served in Pharoah's court.



Q: What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?

A: It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty

years.



Q: Which bible character had no parents?

A: Joshua, son of Nun.



Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?

A: He only had two worms!



Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark?

A: Because Noah sat on the deck.

			 Hugs from Jean {\o/} aka WolfLady

	 http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Estates/3662/index.html

			 again posted From Tidbits Devotional
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Exercises to get you prepared for Ski season:
	 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
freezer for a half an hour.  Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar
bills to warm up.
	 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer
after every use.
	 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your
head before you go to bed each night.
	 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue
smeared on the lenses.
	 12. Throw away:
a hundred dollar bill-now.
	 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
Pretend you are looking for your car.  Sporadically drop things.
	 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them
with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
	 9.  Buy a new pair of gloves and
immediately throw one away.
	 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to
run into you at high speed.
	 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure you are in the longest line.
	 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
	 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
	 4.  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast your face.  Leave the ice on your face until it
melts.  Let it drip into your clothes.
	 3.  Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
	 2. Slam your thumb in a car door.
Don't go see a doctor.
	 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's
time for the real thing!
				 Submitted by: Derek Wallace @ iquest.net
                    Posted From: ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Geneologies Compared:
	   A stuffy old dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how
   she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the
   American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the
   Declaration of Independence.  "Actually," she said, "one of my
   ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to
   the Congress."
    	  "How very nice." replied the florist. "One of my mine was
   present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the
   world."
						 +++++++++++++++++++++

"Howdy Neighbor"...
		 When we first moved to Glenelg Maryland I was really quite
   impressed with the locals.  Everywhere I went, it was "Howdy
   Neighbor"...  that is until I walked into the local bank to
   cash a check, then, it was "Good Morning Stranger."

						 ++++++++++++++++++

Reason NOT to Buy a MAC, Huhhhhh?
 	  Shopping for an upgrade, the perky lil' salesgirl seemed very
   intent on me trying an Apple, instead of a PC.  As she extolled
   the virtues of the machine, I happened to glance down at her
   name-tag.
    	  When I saw her name was "Eve", I beat a hasty retreat from the
   store.  I mean ain't no way I was gonna be held responsible for
   starting THAT all over again.
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++
				 The above 3 came from Mr. Jim Jr.
			 Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     		 (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
****Not an indorsement:  Credit purposes only.  What I use is sanitized
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version
	 'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
	 While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
	 Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
	 When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
	 The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
	 From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
	 My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
	 And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!
		 From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@...>
					 ++++++++++++++++++

What's a Conclusion
	 The student pilots were being instructed on the proper use of

parachutes.

	 "What if one doesn't open?" asked a student" Couldn't I be

killed?'

	 "That my friend," answered the instructor, "is known as . . .

jumping to a conclusion."
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Glasses in One Hour!  (Not an Advertisement)
	 You know those one hour eye glass places they have
in the malls these days where you can stand in the
hallway and watch the people grind the lenses? The
other day I was watching one of those guys through
the glass when he tripped and fell into his grinder...
	 He made a spectacle of himself.
					 ++++++++++++++++++++

A Very Special Dog!

	 A guy walks into a sports restaurant with his pet dog. The Waiter
says,  "No pets allowed."
	 The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game
and you'll see."
	 The Waiter, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the
game. The guy says, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog
does flips."
	 The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping
and jumping. "Wow! That's one special kind of a dog you got there!
What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
	 The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years!"
						 +++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"The Funnies" An Extra  12/8/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
about them. Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of
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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
Dear Subscribers to "The Funnies"
	 Just want to take this time to Wish you a very Merry Christmas and to send
you this special wish.  May God Bless you and may the "Prince of Peace" be
yours always.
and remember, Jesus is the reason for THIS season. Just click on this
hyperlink for a special message.

Shalom Always
	 Andy
========================================================

Click Here: <A HREF="http://www.sheryl500.com/color.html">"From Me:..TO
YOU"...</A> (American Version)

Click Here: <A HREF="http://www.sheryl500.com/colorGer.html?">"VON ME:...TO
SIE"...</A>  (German Version)

=====================================================

Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"The Funnies"  Monday  12/7/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
about them. Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of
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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
Not often can I reccommend another letter unreservedly, but here's one that I
can.  You will absolutely love this ezine.  Great recipes and humor too as
well as other great bits of information.  PLEASE GIVE IT A TRY!
=====================================================
FREE RECIPES! FREE RECIPES! FREE RECIPES!

                 RECIPE DU JOUR

Simply the BEST free daily recipe list on the web!

Free no-nonsense daily recipes delivered via email

Easy to prepare recipes. . .commonplace ingredients

Free recipes, Boomer memories, plus humor.

Subscribe at http://www.recipedujour.com

===========================================================

A Matter of Customs
	 Father O'Malley was having dinner with his good friend Rabbi Stern.
Naturallythe conversation turned to the differences in their beliefs.
Teasing, the good Father asked the Rabbi, "When are you going to break
down and taste some pork?"
	 The Rabbi replied, "At your wedding, Father.  At your wedding."
			 From: Diamant Roni <ronid@...>
					 Posted From:  Bills Punch Line
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Signs Of The Times:
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.
(PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the
Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.
OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS
WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD
TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS
WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY
NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE!  I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND
THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
		 Posted From:Barb's Jokebook" <Barbsjokebook@onelist.com>
If you would like to join Barb's Jokebook list and receive
jokes and stories such as these, almost every day, go to
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/barbsjokebook
or email to mailto:barbazan@... with the word "subscribe"
as the subject. If you find any great jokes or stories, please send
them to the above email address.

Featured Web Sites Of The Day are listed at the
suggestions of "The Funnies" subscribers - although I try to check
these sites out, "The Funnies" does NOT guarantee these sites to
be "Sanitized For Your Protection".
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is not really a joke, but I got a big laugh from it.  (And

ladies, before you get all outraged, it was sent to me *by* a

female reader):


Preparing for your first mamogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is

no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week

preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises,

you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can

do these simple practice exercises right in your home.



EXERCISE 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the

door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam

the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good

measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in

case the first time wasn't effective enough.



EXERCISE 2:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement

floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably

on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the

car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is

sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the

other breast.



EXERCISE 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite

a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of

your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you

can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year

and do it again. You are now properly prepared.
					 Posted From: <<Joke A Day>>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The three stages of life:

1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus
	 Posted From:  RECIPE DU JOUR - http://www.recipedujour.com
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Father's Example is Convincing:
See: 1 Timothy 1: 16.
A young minister, when about to be ordained, stated, that, at one period of
his life, he was nearly an infidel. "But," said he, "there was one argument in
favor of Christianity which I could never refute -- the consistent conduct of
my father."

What an incredible testimony to a father, I would have been a real basket case
if I was this young man's father.  I know how heart breaking it is to be
praying for one of your own and watching them sink deeper and deeper into the
abyss of life, being led by their own wisdom and strength.  Our educational
systems teach this philosophy of life that there are no absolutes and the only
thing that you can not tolerate is intolerance; which in itself is an
interesting absolute.

I believe that the most time consuming prayers should be that of a parent's
prayers for their children.  This is where there can be no microwaving in
praying.  This is where marinating is a must.  There is not much else that
should precede this priority.  My heart breaks for my children when they turn
from God.  Parents do not reach out and relieve your children of their
burdens.  Do not fall into the trap of feeling guilty or obligated, use
spiritual wisdom and allow time for God to melt their hearts into submission
to his love and truth.  I know it is a fine line to follow, but give prayer a
chance.  God will not fail you.
		 Sent in by "The Funnies" Member:  Jack  <<USN58@...>>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last Rites over a,,,What ?????
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral
director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country
cemetery in Iowa.  There was to be no funeral, just the committal,
because the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa.  The young
pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.  After
making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.  The
hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a
near-by tree, eating their lunch.  The pastor went to the open grave and
found that the vault lid was already in place.  He took out his book and
read the service.  As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the
workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."
					 From: Rob <rob@...>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You Play!  I'll Sing!
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father
was trying to read in the den.  The family dog was lying in the den, and as
the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began
to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he
jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For
pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++

A Canadian is someone who.....
  --Thinks an income tax refund is a gift from the government.
  --On seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, assumes it is a train.
  --When given a compliment, always looks behind to see for whom it is
    intended.
  --Knows the difference between the Northern Lights and a Northern Lite.
  --Doesn't know anyone who owns a flag.
  --Finds Kentucky Fried Chicken "a bit too spicy".
  --Holds the world's record for telephone use, probably listening to
    "Don't hang up. Your call is important to us".
  --Is constantly pulling himself up by the roots to see whether he is
    still growing.
  --Will drive to an unemployment protest meeting in his Toyota.
  --Is convinced that democracy involves keeping your opinions to yourself.
  --In a restaurant, apologizes for not being ready to order at the
    waiter's convenience.
  --Will travel across the border to buy cigarettes and return home for
    subsidized cancer therapy.
  --Says "sorry" when you accidently bump into him.
  --Waits for the light to change before crossing a deserted intersection
    at 3 a.m.
  --Takes as a signal for a standing ovation any two people who happen
    to be leaving during curtain calls.
  --Believes the Free Trade Agreement is an agreement about free trade.
  --Says "no big deal" to a sidewalk cyclist who's just knocked him down.
  --Says "no thanks" to a telemarketing tape.
  --Never sits in someone else's seat, even if the ticket holder doesn't
    show.
  --Says hi to anyone walking a dog.
  --Goes to hot-tub parties where people wear bathing suits.
  --Finds himself thinking about sending off to "Hinterland: Who's Who" for
    further information on the loon.
  --Carries travelers cheques in a money belt.
  --Heartily proclaims, "Sure it's 38 below, but it's a dry cold".
  --When he musters enough courage to buy a Rolex watch, wears it hidden
    under a long-sleeve shirt and an Eaton's suit.
  --Spends an inordinate amount of time trying to define what an
Canadian is.
			 Terry Galan <galante@...>
							 Posted From:  UGA
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Cat's Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs
10. Up on the Mousetop
  9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
  8. Joy to the Curled
  7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
  6. The First Meow
  5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
  4. Silent Mice
  3. Fluffy, the Snowman
  2. Jingle Balls
  1. Wreck the Halls!
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My Ears, Doctor! My Ears!
How are your ears?
	 A patient went to see a surgeon complaining of severe stomach ache.
After an examination the surgeon suggested an operation that would
involve cutting off both ears.
	 The patient was naturally very upset at this ridiculous suggestion
and went to see an internist.  He told the internist about his almost
surreal experience with the surgeon who wanted to cut off his ears to
cure a stomach ache!
	 The internist listened to the story and explained that that's all
these surgeons know how to do, is cut.  It's part of their training.
But now he can relax because he is fortunate enough to have come to
the right place.  All he has to do is take these special pills for
two weeks, and the ears will fall off all by themselves
=================================================
To Subscribeto the ALPHA Humor List:Send a mail message to
majordomo@...
with the words subscribe alpha as the body of the message.
====================================================
For other assistance, please contact rob@...
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

*   Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
*    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
*   Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
*   Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
*   Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
*   Farmer Bill Dies in House
*   Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
*   British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
*   Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
*   Eye Drops off Shelf
*   Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
*   Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
*   Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
*   Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
*   Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
*  Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
*   Miners Refuse to Work after Death
*   Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
*   Stolen Painting Found by Tree
*   Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
*   Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
*   Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
*   Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
*   War Dims Hope for Peace
*   If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
*   Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
*   Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
*   Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
*   Deer Kill 17,000
*   Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
*   Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
*   New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
*   Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
*   Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
*   Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
*   Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
*   British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
*   Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
*   Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
*   Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
*   New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
*   Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
*   Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
*   Air Head Fired
*   Steals Clock, Faces Time
*   Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
*   Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
*   Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
*   Include your Children When Baking Cookies
				 From the Archives of "The Funnies"
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Think about THAT!
1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
    Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't
    Go Wrong at once.
9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,
    you're still a rat.
10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
     guts to bite people themselves.
11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain  whales?
12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell
     everything you know..........
					 From the archives of "The Funnies"
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

MY HUSBAND'S TEN FAULTS

	 Even the most devoted couple will experience a storm once in a while.

A grandmother, celebrating her golden wedding anniversary, once told

the secret of her long and happy marriage.

	 "On my wedding day I decided to make a list of ten of my husband's

faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she

said.

	 A guest asked the woman what some of his faults were which she

had chosen to overlook. The grandmother replied, "To tell you the

truth, my dear, I never did get around to listing them. But whenever

my husband did something that made my hopping mad, I would

say to myself, "Lucky for him that's one of the ten."

	 That wise woman learned one of the great secrets of relationship:

forbearance. Sometimes, no matter who it is, you just have to

overlook and learn to forebear or put up with things. Paul tells

Christians to put on that characteristic as part of being a Christian.

	 "Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender

mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;

bearing with one another, and forgiving one another..." (Colossians

3:12-13).

	 Now, what is it that needs to go on your list?

					 Have a great day!

Alan Smith  Boone church of Christ       Boone, NC
=================================================

If you would like to subscribe (at no cost), simply send a

message to hub@...    leave the subject blank and in

the message, put one line which reads:

subscribe thought-for-the-day
==================================================

This poem came from the homeless shelter here in Kenosha Wisconsin. It came on
the cover of their newsletter last year. thought you might like to reprint it.
The author is Anonymous.

**I gave you life -- but I cannot live it for you.
**I can teach you things -- but I cannot make you learn.
**I can allow you freedom -- but I cannot account for you.
**I can teach you right from wrong -- but I can't always decide for you.
**I can buy you beautiful clothes -- but I cannot make you lovely inside.
**I can give you love -- but I cannot force it upon you.
**I can teach you to share -- but I cannot make you unselfish.
**I can teach you respect - but I can;t force you to show honor.
**I can advise you about friends -- but I cannot choose them for you.
**I can teach you about sex -- but I. Cannot keep you pure.
**I can tell you the facts of life -- but I cannot build your reputation.
**I can tell you about drinking -- but I can't say NO for you.
**I can warn you about drugs -- but I can't prevent you from using them.
**I can tell you about lofty goals -- but I can't achieve them for you.
**I can teach you kindness -- but I can't force you to be gracious.
**I can love you as a daughter or son -- but I cannot place you in God's
family.
**I can pray for you -- but I cannot make you walk with God.
**I can tell you how to live - but I cannot give you Eternal life.
                                         -Anonymous
		 From "The Funnies" Member:  <<JMJ74RJ@...>>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com

UNSUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" Send a blank e-mail to:
andychaps_the-funnies-Unsubscribe@egroups.com

READ group messages at
http://www.egroups.com/list/andychaps_the-funnies/

CONTINUE to use my personal email address to contact me or to
contribute jokes:  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... </A>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Free Web-based e-mail groups -- http://www.eGroups.com

"The Funnies"  Friday  112/4/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
about them. Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of
"The Funnies"  by addressing and sending an e-mail to the following address:

andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
Just send a blank e mail

Unsubscribe Information at end of this letter

	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
   Some more RETRO CREDITS on "The Deck of Cards"
Hi.  Concerning "Deck of Cards"
	 Prior to Wink Martindale's version, Tex Ritter had a version.
It ended with something about like, "And I know this story is true, for you
see...I was that soldier boy."
		 Bruce Efron
			 WDAF 61 Country
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
At no time, is freedom of speech more precious,
than when you hit your thumb with a hammer.
				 From:  Sugie01@...
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Sahara forrest...huhhhh?
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they
were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little
  man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head
lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man
and told him to leave.
	 "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
	 "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take
your axe and go cut it down."
	 The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back
knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
	 The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get
the skill to chop down trees like that?"
	 "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
	 "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
	 The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they
call it now!"
				 From "The Funnies" Archives
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++
Mirabile Dictu
MIRABILE DICTU! - (Latin for "There's gotta be a word for this!"
From the wild imaginings of the Internet come some (as usual anonymous)
definitions for the Webster's 21st Century Dictionary

Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes
off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy
facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking
for references to one's own name.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying,
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were
a prime example.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a big mistake.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce
with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all
owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
					 From: RevDRJurg@...
Posted From: ALPHA Mailing List for Non-Offensive Humor of all kinds

A free list maintained by and for people who enjoy a good
giggle.  The list is supported by including a single ad with
the humor each day.  All ads are approved by the List
Moderator before being posted.

Previous jokes and subscription services available through
the web site at http://www.ldscn.com/alpha
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you want to learn how to pray and get answers,,,,
Thanksgiving Holidays were just great this year.  Old friends spent most of
Thanksgiving with us.  We talked about those good old days when we were in
college and later when we flew together in flight training and wondered how we
made it through alive.  Oh, the "Sea Stories" that we told over and over
again.  It was great.  Later my grandkids arrived bringing the perpetual din
that seems to accompany their just being kids.

My old friends loaned me a book to browse titled, "Intercessory Prayer" by
Dutch Sheets.  On several occasions I would attempt to escape the circus going
on around me to read the Forward and a paragraph or two from the book to
determine if I wanted to invest the time to digest its contents;  I ordered
two copies.

"We don't wait well.  We're into microwaving; God, on the other hand, is
usually into marinating."

My dear friends, if you want to learn how to pray and get answers, you might
want to learn this quote from the book. There are no standard recipes on
methods or words to say, but persistence and stubborn patience will be your
strongest asset.  Learning how to pray, often requires hard work.  Get on with
it and get use to it!
		 From "The Funnies" member Jack  <<USN58@...>>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My First Real Job
	 Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for
an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man
who ran a small business that he had started himself.
	 "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.  "But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
	 "Excuse me?" the accountant said.
	 "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to
have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money
worries off my back."
	 "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
	 "I'll start you at eighty thousand."
	 "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such
a small business afford a sum like that?"
	 "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
			 From: Diamant Roni <ronid@...>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Short term Memory Loss For Sure
Three elderly ladies were drinking tea and talking about memory loss.
The first one confided, "The other day I found myself staring into the
refrigerator, and for the life of me, I couldn't remember what it was
I was looking for."
The second lady said, "You think that is bad?  Why, only this morning
I was on the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I was going UP the
stairs or DOWN the stairs!"
The third woman put down her tea and said, "Well, fortunately, I don't
have that problem," she said while rapping twice on the table beside
her, "Knock on wood."  Then, with a start, she looked up and around
and asked, "Was that the front door, or the back door?"
					 From: GEOTHO@...
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If life would be like a computer...
**If you messed up your life, you could press
"Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
**To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
**If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
**To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
**To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
**To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
**If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
**When you loose your car keys, click on find.
**"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
**Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
**And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would
be on it's way to YOU...
		 Again Posted From:  <<ALPHA>>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Points to Ponder!
* Have any of you seen the new microwave TV sets ?
   You can watch a one hour show in 11 minutes.
                                 - - - - -
* Like a lot of people, I use an electric toothbrush.  I never
   would have bought the thing though had I known beforehand
   ya gotta take it to an electrician twice a year for check-ups.
                                 - - - - -
* I understand that the chipmaker Intel has become so successful
   in miniaturizing their products, they're looking for a smaller
   place to relocate to.
                                 - - - - -
* There's been so much talk about husbands buying their wives
   inappropriate presents for Christmas, the merchants here are
   trying something new this year -- exchange certificates.
                                 - - - - -
* I see there's yet another proposal for the Federal Government
   in the US to regulate all drugs.  Hey !  I'm in favor of it.
   I mean think about it, if the government took over the drug
   business, that'd be the end of illegal drugs once and for all.
                                 - - - - -
					 By Mr. Jim Jr. Posted in UGA
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++

Rules for Women (minus a few due to editing!)

  1.  Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the
      house was spotless.
  2.  Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
  3.  Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
  4.  What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?  You shut the door.

  6.  If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all
      there.
  7.  Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
  8.  Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out
      alone.

  11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

  13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell
      them apart.
  14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
      make some woman miserable.
  15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself
      types.
  16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too
      old for it.
  17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
  19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
      in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
  20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
      checkbooks.

  23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
      means you laugh at his.

  25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
 					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Romance Knows No Age
*   Two Yuppettes were lunching and one said to the other, "I
   never imagined that you would marry the man you did."
     "Neither did I." replied her friend. "I disliked his ways
   but I just adored his means."
                                 - - - - -
* Using the wisdom of my fifty-six years, I'd like to pass along
   a tip to all of the young single men:  Listen you guys, don't
   bother searching for the ideal woman.  If you do get married,
   you'll end up with a wife, just like the rest of us.
                                 - - - - -
* A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was
   serious about their relationship.  "I'll say he is Daddie."
   responded the girl.  "Just last nite he asked me how much
   you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are
   easy to get along with."
                                 - - - - -
*   Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher
   told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall
   be yours for life."
     From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male
   voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda,
   Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
                                 - - - - -
*   The next door neighbor's girl, Emily, was racing around my
   son's house with my Grandson in hot pursuit.  I said, "Jimmy,
   Why are you chasing Emily ?"
     "She pinched me." he shouted breathlessly.
     "Emily, why did you pinch Jimmy ?" I asked.
     "So he would chase me." she giggled.
			 From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@...> Posted in UGA

What My Mother's Logic  Taught Me
**My Mother taught me LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing and break your
neck, you can't go to the store with me."
**My Mother taught me MEDICINE - "If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
**My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job!"
**My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I
know when you're cold?"
**My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
**  My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
 	 From:RANEBOUX <wett@...> Posted From UGA
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Shame is in "The Example"
As the Father laid on the couch watching cable TV, his son, all dressed
for Church entered the room. "Dad ?" he said, "I have a question."
	 "What's that boy ?" replied the Father, never even removing his
eyes from the screen.
	 "When am I going to be old ‘enuff not to go to Church either?"
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++

A Shorty
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Doctors Opinions
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...
those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong!   Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and their head and bottoms are interchangeable, too."
   Sent in by "The Funnies" member:
				 Laura <<LopezL@...>>
			 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


I'm told you can't sing!
     A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several
people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he
continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate
and went to the pastor.
     "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If
you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too.
Please do something."
	 So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you
should leave the choir."
	 "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
	 "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
	 That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me
that you can't preach!"
			 from "ECULAUGH" and Posted From:  UGA
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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=====================================================
Here's an ezine that you can really enjoy!  Try it, and check out the recipes
and humor! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised and it is FREE.
==========================================================
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Another Bit, Mike, a DJ from Indiana sent me this addition to the story about
the Deck of Cards.
.......And so the young soldier then said to the Major, "You see
Sir that my intentions were honorable. My deck of cards serves
as my Bible, Prayer book and Almanac."

There is a recording of this "song" by Wink Martindale. It is called A Deck Of
Cards.
This was a TOP 100 Song on Billboard if I recall...
Mike Shannon  <<Mike1580@...>>
WHLY/WJVA Radio
========================================================
and now "The Fun(nies)" begin!  Are you up to it???
Giving up???
	 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
  cold cream on her face.
 	  "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
 	  "To make myself beautiful," she replied as she began to
  remove the cream with a tissue.
	   "What's the matter," asked little Johnny.  "Giving up?"
 					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'd Die For you
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

	 The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred...

"I'll die for you"

	 The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,

"How many times?".


					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-

three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?

("Annie")



DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for

years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to

do with it.
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Death in the Family
	 After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute

with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend

call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something

like this happened.

	 When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim

expression and said "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

	 "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have
had to."

						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sermons and Nourishment: An Inspirational from USN58@...
Several years ago the British Weekly printed a letter to the editor:
    "Dear Sir: I notice that ministers seem to set a great deal of importance
on their sermons and spend a great deal of time in preparing them. I have been
attending services quite regularly for the past thirty years and during that
time, if I estimate correctly, I have listened to no less than 3,000 sermons,
but, to my consternation, I discover I cannot remember a single one of them. I
wonder if a minister's time might be more profitably spent on something else?
Sincerely...."
	    That letter triggered an avalanche of angry responses for weeks. Sermons
were castigated and defended by lay and clergy, but eventually a single letter
closed the debate:
	   "My dear Sir: I have been married for thirty years. During that time I have
eaten 32,850 meals -- mostly of my wife's cooking. Suddenly I have discovered
that I cannot remember the menu of a single meal. And yet, I received
nourishment from every one of them. I have the distinct impression that
without them, I would have starved to death long ago. Sincerely...." James D.
Berkley, Preaching to Convince.
		 Sent in by "The Funies" Member:  Jack  <<USN58@...>>
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Shortys" That Make You Think...

	 This country is so full of opportunity.  I mean where else can a wife

hire a woman to do her housework so she can volunteer at the

Day Care Center where the cleaning woman leaves her child.
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby
in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one.
    Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped
in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
My kids had a lot in common with my father-in-law when they were born.
Toothless, bald, and demanding.
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is for Dawn and Scott: My Nephew and Neice as it's a total description of
their family...and you ought to see the third one now!  WOW! (Right Ron
Ross??)
	 Ever notice that the second baby isn't as breakable as the first?
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
What an Understanding!
Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to
adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them
they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without
hesitation.
    On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.
    After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired,
"What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
    The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a
year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

THINGS DR. SPOCK DIDN'T TELL YOU
10. It doesn't take a genius to make a baby, in fact 95% are made
     by  accident.
  9. Once you do make one, they become crying,eating, non-sleeping,
     diaper  filling machines.
  8. All babies are "cute" when born, but soon outgrow it.
  7. They start getting teeth at about 1 year old, and will put any-
     thing  into their mouths that fit.
  6. Grandma's will go absolutely nuts over them, and will do without
     so  they can buy for their grandchild,
  5. At 2 they are walking and starting to make noises, getting into
     anything that isn't nailed down
  4. At 3 they just about have their parents trained to buy, fetch, sit,
     and promise NOT to make anymore kids.
  3.At 4 they start to lose their hearing. You must repeatedly tell them
     what to do or don't do.
  2.At 6 they start taking revenge on siblings, (if one is present)
     and  other kids
  1.At 7 YOU have completely lost control, neighbors shy away from you
     and your house. Police begin to patrol your street, then you know
     you are a  parent.AND YOU VOW NEVER TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN!
     (but you do)
						 Posted from:  JOKE-A-THON
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS...

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety

Handbook for Employees":"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate

your eyes"



IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...

I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the

local township administrative office to request the removal of the

Deer Crossing Sign on our road.  The reason:  Many deer were being hit

by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.



IDIOTS & COMPUTERS...

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of

a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems

with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the

branch banks who had this question:"I've got smoke coming from the back

of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"



IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE...

I was sitting in my science class when the teacher commented that the

next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became

visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her that the

amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to

say, she was very disappointed.



IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the

individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce".  He said he was

sorry, but they only had iceberg.



MORE IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...

I called the nearest Pizza Hut, ordered a pizza, and told the employee I

would be coming by to pick it up.  I asked if they were on the east or

west side of the street.  She replied, "It depends.  Which direction are

you coming from?"



AN IDIOT'S IDIOT...

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a

metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy

machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police

pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a

lie.  Believing the "lie detector" was  working, the suspect confessed.
		 Sent in by "The Funnies Member  <<MWoneis@...>>
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

					 NOW OR NEVER
                   Don't wait with longing for the day
                 When better times might come your way.
                   Discard the fears that may depress;
                     Live now and garner happiness.

                  It's such a waste to dwell on gloom.
                 Though you have problems, find the room
                   For loving when the path is rough;
                  For laughter when the goinig's tough.

                    To fully live means you must face
                    Whatever comes with humble grace.
                  And if you mourn, turn it to priase.
                    How much to do, how few the days!
                            -Amy, C.Ellis
		 Posted From "The Funnies Member"<Judib@...>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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Well, this is certainly some food for thought.................

As I was making my daily journey to the Post Office the other day, I
patiently waited for a car to vacate a parking space near the door. As
the rear of the vehicle came toward me, I noticed a bumper sticker which
read, in big, bold letters, "THANK ME. I VOTED CLINTON-GORE."

Of course, the bumper sticker was printed in response to an earlier
sticker
which adorned some automobiles some six years ago.  Back then, as
Presidents Bill and Hillary were attempting to nationalize health care
and
play havoc with the discipline and fiber of the military,

"Don't Blame Me. I Voted For Bush," was the message on many bumpers.
Hence,  the "Thank Me..." message came in response.

Pondering the message of the brave, stubborn soul in the car ahead of
me,
I considered all the things I could be thankful for as a result of the
Clinton- Gore regime. Indeed, I discovered the list was long and varied.
  So, to my friend who has not yet discovered a razor blade and
Goo-Be-Gone, I offer a hearty "Thank you!"

Thank you for reminding us that the government that gave us the Internal
Revenue Service and welfare, also lusts for control of the greatest
health
care system in the world.  Thank you for reminding us that the FBI, who
has a
file on  millions of Americans, including myself, can give those files
to people powerful enough to demand them.

Thank you for giving us a president who supports partial-birth
abortions.
Thank you for introducing us to Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica
Lewinski and about two dozen other names that we might not have met and
known
otherwise.

Thank you for allowing a war hero and  the author of one of the most
successful military campaigns in military history to leave the
presidency
because, no  matter how successful he was, we, in all our moral outrage,
just
wouldn't tolerate someone who would lie to the American people by
promising
"no new taxes" and then going  back on his word. We certainly can't have
a
liar in the White House,  now can we?

Thank you for giving us a president who discusses his choice of
underwear with teenagers. We always wondered if presidents wore boxers
or briefs.

Thank you for installing a man who reminds us of those good old days of
pot
smoking (without inhaling, of course) and war protesting.

Thank you for showing us that the ridiculous plot of the  movie, "Wag
the
Dog," could really be plausible after all.

Thank you for showing us the truly horrifying dangers of cloning
someone's
DNA.  (After this is all over, BURN the blue cocktail dress. . .
Please)

Thank you for showing all the men and women in America that sexual
harassment
in the workplace, and on the job, is okay as long as it involves
powerful
middle-age executives and the young women half their age under their
power. It is, after all, a "private matter."

Thank you for revealing that the agenda of the National Organization of
Women
only includes some women.  Women like Anita Hill, and not women like
Paula
Jones, Monica Lewinski, et. al.

Thank you for allowing us to come to the realization that "sexual
relations"
is not clearly defined after all.  And all these years, I thought that
"oral
sex" really had something to do with sex! (Imagine!)( Or is it Oral Sex
when
you talk about it . . . ?)

Thank you of re-introducing the concept of "impeachment" to a new
generation
that missed the discussion surrounding it the last time it  was brought
up.

Thank you for curing me of my addiction to the evening news.

Thank you for reminding us that, when all is said and done, character
really,
really does matter.

    And, in comparison to recent days:

         Thank you for making Dan Quayle look like the Rhodes Scholar.
         Thank you for making Jimmy Carter look competent.
         Thank you for making Gerald Ford look graceful.
         Thank you for making Richard Nixon look honest.
         Thank you for making Lyndon Johnson look truthful.
         Thank you for making John Kennedy look moral.
         Thank you for making Al Gore look positively presidential.
         Thank you for reminding us of the importance of term limits.

And  really,  thank you not once, but twice!  Why, if not for you,
instead of
the current, interesting discussion all over the television networks and
newspapers, we would be focused on a whole slew of trivial matters such
as
global defense, the economy, nukes in North Korea, genocide in Africa,
the containment of terrorism, and all those other boring topics.

So, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Since Bill Clinton took office,  here are some of the good  things that
have
happened:

72 House and Senate witnesses have pled the Fifth Amendment.

17 witnesses have fled the country to avoid testifying.

19 foreign witnesses have refused to be interviewed by US investigative
bodies.

19 charges from Whitewater investigations.

4 convictions from Whitewater investigations.

8 imprisonments from Whitewater investigations.

55 total charges in all Clinton scandals.

32 total convictions (so far) in all Clinton scandals.

14 total imprisonments (so far) in all Clinton scandals.

938 overnight stays at Whitehouse for Clinton supporters.

$40 million  -  cost of Clinton's trip to China.

62 House of Representative seats that have changed from Democrat to
Republican.

12 Senate seats that have changed from Democrat to Republican

13 Governorships that have changed from Democrat to Republican

1,200  state legislative seats that have changed from Democrat to
Republican

353  elected Democrats who have switched parties since Clinton took
office.

Yes,  it's been an interesting 6 years for "the most ethical
administration in the history of the Republic."   But then . . .
everybody knows it's all the fault of the "Vast right-wing conspiracy."

Go figure!

(Written by an Episcopalian Minister in Georgia)
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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================

Santa Compared with Jesus

Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart.
You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is
"Hi little boy or girl, what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did.
Not only does He know our name,
He knows our address too.
He knows our history and future and
He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts,
repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas, Jesus is still the
reason for the season.  Yes, Jesus is better,
He is even better than Santa Claus.
		 Sent in  by "The Funnies" Member  Wendy Hilliard
						 HilliardWE@...
					 ========================
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.

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"The Funnies"  Wednesday  12/2/98

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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================

A New Keeper of "The Pearly Gates"
	 A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is

greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims.

"It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"

	 To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates

to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."

	 Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass

through the gates.

	 "Spell a word," St. Peter replies "What word?" she asks "Any word,"

answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."

	 The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

	 St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into

Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a

moment while he goes to the bathroom.

	 "I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone

comes while you are gone?"

	 St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word,

just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and

watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and

behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband!

	 "What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?"

	 Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that

I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join

you in Heaven."

	 "Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word."

	 "What word?" he asks.

	 "Czechoslovakia"

				 Submitted by mallardducks@...
				 Posted From: Tidbits Daily Devotional
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

See: Romans 8: 26.  …
for we do not know what we should pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself
intercedes for us…

In James 5: 16, we learn that the prayers of a righteous man has great power
in its effect.  Can we not conclude from that, that the Holy Spirit uses the
very nature and character of the believer as a temple from which to offer His
prayers of intercession on our behalf?  Can we not further conclude that God
searches the heart of a believer?  As a parent loves to hear the prayers of
their children, so God loves to hear our conscious prayers.  Yet his concerned
is for the unconscious prayers and groanings of the Spirit within us?

This weekend I watched a young man playing a computer game called the "Temple
of Doom," (not recommended).  He, with great precision and skill, searched out
every nook and cranny of this temple and totally destroyed all the bad guys
while picking up, on his way around this building, everything of value to
enhance his goals of cleansing this temple.

In Mark 11: 16, it could be said that Jesus ruthlessly cleansed the temple of
all its impurity of greed and pride. In like manner, I believe that God holds
us responsible to pay careful attention and guard the conscious part of our
own temple (body).  He, therefore, is responsible for the unconscious part of
which we do not know.
	 Contributed by "The Funnies" Member  Jack:  USN58@...
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Different Kind of a Bible:

This is a story about a soldier in the North Africa Campaign in

World War II. After heavy fighting the men returned to camp.

The next day being Sunday, the Chaplain had set up church

service. The men were asked to take out their Bibles or prayer book.

The Chaplain noticed one soldier looking at a deck of cards. After the

service he was taken by the Chaplain to see the Major.



The Chaplain explained to the Major of what he had seen. The Major

told the young soldier how he would have to be punished if he could

not explain himself. The young soldier told the Major that during the

battle he had neither a Bible or prayer book so he would use his

deck of cards and explained...........



* "You see Sir, when I look at the Ace, it tells me that there is one God

and no other.



* When I see the 2 , it reminds me there is two parts of the Bible, the

Old and New Testaments.



* The 3 tells me of the Trinity, of God the Father, God the Son and God

the Holy Spirit.



* The 4 reminds me of the four Gospels, There was Matthew, Mark,

Luke and John.



* When I see the 5, it tells me of the five unwise virgins who were lost

and five were saved.



* The 6 makes me mindful that God created the earth in just six days,

and God said that it was good so He rested on the 7th day.



* As I look at the 8, God destroyed all life by water except eight people.

There was Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives.



* When I see the 9, I think of the nine lepers that God healed. There

were ten in all but only one stopped to Thank Him.



* The 10 tells me of the "Ten Commandments" carved in stone by the

hand of God.



* The Jack makes me remember the prince of darkness. Like a

roaring lion that devours those he can.



* When I look at the Queen, I see blessed Mary, Mother of Jesus.



* As I look at the last card I see the KING, this reminds me Jesus is

the Lord of Lords and King of Kings!



* There is 365 spots on the cards, the number of days in a year.



* There is 52 cards to a deck, the number of weeks in a year.



* There is 12 picture cards, the number of months in a year.



* There are 4 cards to a suit, the number of months in a quarter.



* There are 13 suits, the number of weeks in a quarter."



........And so the young soldier then said to the Major, "You see

Sir that my intentions were honorable. My deck of cards serves

as my Bible, Prayer book and Almanac."

				 Submitted by   BonVal@...
			 Posted From: Tidbits Daily Devotional
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++


The Prayer Request
	 A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for 2 weeks but nothing

happened.

	 Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When

the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA,

they decided to send it to the President.

	 The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he

instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The President

thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

	 The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a

thank you note to God, which read:



Dear God,

	 Thank you very much for sending the money; however, I noticed

that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C.

and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00!

		 Also from Janet  mallardducks@...
			 Posted From: Tidbits Daily Devotional
To subscribe to the free Tidbits DAILY Devotional, send an

e-mail to:  tidbits-request@...  and put SUBSCRIBE

in the BODY of the e-mail.
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
To subscribe to the free Tidbits DAILY Devotional, send an

e-mail to:  tidbits-request@...  and put SUBSCRIBE

in the BODY of the e-mail
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A true story from a family in the military!
	 As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing
complex near the base where he was working.  Their chief complaint was that
the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy.  This was painfully
obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs
on the telephone.  She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her
neighbor.  “Give this to your husband,” he said thrusting a roll of toilet
paper into her hands.  “He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!”
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Give Me Two Dates
	 An English teacher in China was giving a final exam to her students.  One
young man had missed her lecture on American dating practices, although he had
been present for the class of American holidays.  This became apparent when he
answered the question “Give an example of a fun date and a romantic date.”
His response?  April 1 and February 14!

Where Can I get a Loan???
The regional VP at a company, a middle aged man with a receding hairline,
never missed an opportunity to get in a dig at the engineers in the
department.  One day at a staff meeting, he zeroed in on a young single guy
who often tried out different hairstyles and grooming products.  “You keep
spending money on your hair,” the vice president said with a smirk, “and
you’ll have to take out a loan.”  Thankfully,” the young man responded coolly,
“with the money you are saving on your hair, you’ll be able to give me one!”
			 Posted From:  From: jershie@...
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
	 A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when he looks out, he sees this
old Jew praying vigorously.
	  The journalist goes down to the wall, introduces himself and
  says:  "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and
what are you praying for?"
 	 The old Jew replies:  "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years.
In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of
man.  I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to pray for the
eradication
of illness and disease from the earth."
 	 The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it make you feel to come
and pray every day for 25 years for these things?"
      The old Jew replies: "Like I'm talking to a wall."
		 Sent in by "The Funnies" Member Roy Edwards"
												 <<roy.pat@...>>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"THOUGHT FOR THE DAY" I'm not as young as I used to be!

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a

few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and

played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head

home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled

onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man

as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed

the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly

quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently

and didn't waste much time.



Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found

himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in

front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old

man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the

ball right over that tree."



With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung

hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk

and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it

had originally lay.



The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I

was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."



There are a lot of things that we could do when we were

younger that, for whatever reason, we may not be able to

do now. But then again, there are some things we can do

now that we couldn't do when we were younger.



"The glory of young men is their strength, and the splendor

of old men is their gray head." (Proverbs 20:29).



Those who are younger should use their strength and

enthusiasm to serve God, while those who are older should

make use of their experience and wisdom. Together, what a

great team they make!

						 Have a great day!

			 Alan Smith Boone, NC  Boone Church of Christ

			 	 To subscribe, send a message to hub@...
			     which reads:   subscribe thought-for-the-day

					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Should We Tell Him??? Nahhhhh!
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.  After long hours of
effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs,
until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his
shell.  After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb  the tree
again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily  again.  The little
turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the
edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.  Suddenly the female
bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little
turtle he's adopted".
				 From: Diamant Roni <ronid@...>
		  Posted From "Bill's Punch Line" at tcmrtalk@...
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

30 Fun,,,eh? (That's Questionable) Things To Do In A Car: and the sad thing
is, people really think this is fun, but not if you are on the recipient end
of the funner! Can you relate to these to? And on the other hand, some are
just plain sick!!!
Maybe these should be called "the Way life really is!"

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt
to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car  suspiciously.
With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red
paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the
passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie
out  your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror.
Talk  to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who
throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, throw old coffee out the window/sunroof
onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with weird symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild,
cutting up time
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill..
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to ...
a ... stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
			 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Shorty!
God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating
	 light and darkness of Earth."
		 Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

What does God Hear? What Does God Believe?
	 A man used to grumble at the food his wife placed before him at meal
time. Then he would ask the blessing.
	 One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer his little
girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
	 "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
	 "And does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"
	 "Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his
daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
	 Innocently she burst his bubble with her next question. "Then which
does God believe?"
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hey Doc!  What's My Propblem?
Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch.  Then just
before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."

Patient" "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"

Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Why are you Praying so Loud?
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.  At bedtime,
the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest
one began praying at the top of his lungs.  "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I
PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers?  God isn't deaf."  To which the little
brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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UNSUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" Send a blank e-mail to:
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READ group messages at
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CONTINUE to use my personal email address to contact me or to
contribute jokes:  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... </A>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.





------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"The Funnies"  Tuesday  1 December 1998

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
Is a Computer a He of a She?

		 A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all
  about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing
  his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper
  for computers.
 		 To solve his dilemma, he found two groups of computer
  experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.
 		 The group of women reported that computers should be
  refereed to as "HE" because:

  1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the
     time they are the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
     had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer
     and better model.

 		 The group of men reported that computers should be referred
  to as "SHE" because:

  1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
  2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is
     incomprehensible to anyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
     for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
     yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 				 Posted From:Joke of the Day
 					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the Spirit Giving....!

A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was

for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each

Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping

for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend

told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit

the next Sunday.

	 In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make

a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member

of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin

on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

	 The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have

an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his

kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
		 Submitted by: "Alan Webster" <alanweb@...>
						 Posted From: rodney@rcjokelist
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

See: Matthew 6:9.
Our Father in heaven, hollowed be your name.

Dear friends, for the last month it seemed that the Lord is telling me to be
in prayer and so I have allotted more time to prayer.  Then the Lord seemed to
show me that I needed to learn how to pray.  I should have learned that the
Lord humbles the proud.  I went to the Lord's prayer and began all over again.
I began by putting it into my own words and expressing each word and phrase in
my own understanding and need.  I began to realize how totally juvenile my
prayers really are.  How sometimes selfish and rote they had become.

Years ago I memorized Ephesians 6: 10-20.  In verses 10-17 the Lord is
equipping us to take on a defensive posture with armor and the sword of His
word to fend off the powers of evil.  In the military I was always taught that
the best defense was a good offense, so I ask the Lord, when do we go on the
offensive?

Then it came to me that the next few verses were designed to become our
offensive posture and our weapon is prayer.  The Lord will fight our battles,
but we are to use prayer as covering fire.  We are to defend ourselves with
His word and use his Word to parry the thrusts of satanic forces, but our big
guns are in the power of our prayers.

Eph 6: 18 says "… be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth (or turn on my computer) that
words may be given to me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of
the gospel…  Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."
		 From "The  Funnies" Member Jack: <<USN58@...>>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Say it slowly please!  A Repeat From Andychap's Archives
	 Two blondes were driving through Louisiana.  As they were
  approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing
  about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and
  forth until they stopped for lunch.  As they stood at the
  counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order,
  could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you please
  pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
 	  The manager leaned over the counter and said,
  "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
 					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Following the Doctor's Orders
	 On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks

later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where

the undertaker prepared it for the services.

	 Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken

care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker

asked.

	 "I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."

The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top

half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his

work.

	 "He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona

were just the thing for him."
						 Posted from:  Joke A Day
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One Liners and Shorty's
*Seen on a bumper sticker:  You who think you know it all are annoying to
those of us that do.

*A pat on the back is a short distance from a kick in the pants.

*"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
  -Samuel Goldwyn

*"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

*Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It was driving down the road and turned into a field.

*"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve
disorder"
-Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

*"If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all"
-Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

*"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas"
-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

*An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent
medical school.  "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do
you expect to be five years from now?"
	 "Well, let's see," replied the student.  "It's Wednesday
  afternoon.  I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

* A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
	 "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
 	 "No, you idiot!" the man shouts.  "This is her husband!"

*Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

*Mr. Brown: I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
Mr. Green: Have you ever seen a doctor?
Mr. Brown: No, only spots.

* Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter
  word that upset me very much.
	 Nurse: What word was that?
	 Patient: "Oops!"

* They were arguing about the alleged inborn strain of
deceitfulness in woman, and she retaliated by citing the
instances of men deceiving their wives.
	 "I suppose," said he, "that you hold that a man should never
deceive his wife."
	 "Oh no!" she smiled back at him. "I shouldn't go so far as that.
How would it be possible for the average man to get a wife if he
didn't deceive her?"

*Cynics are people who know the price of everything
and the value of nothing.

* Two Guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says,
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
	 Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover.  George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".
	 So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"
	 And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon,
100 feet up in the air".
	 George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer".
	 Harry asks, "How can you tell?"
	 George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and
totally useless".
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The "Barbie" in the '90's
	 A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that
it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out
thecorner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or
never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking
bay and runs into the mall.
	 After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts
the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he
simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the
particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster
up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"
	 The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie
Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"
	 The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00
when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
	 "That's obvious!" the assistant exclaims, "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
		 Sent in by "The Funnies Member" Linda" <<BSF4@...>>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

All I want for Christmas is.........
	 As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas ?"
	 The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,
then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail ?"
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Amusing Musings on the English Language
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren'tsweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square anda guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth isteeth, why isn't
the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One
index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? Ifyou have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to
anasylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on
parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can theweather be hot as h***
one day and cold as h*** another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, rulyor
peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who
would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form byfilling it
out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
thecreativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at
all).That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when
thelights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch,I
start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.......
			 From the Archives of <<Andychap@...>>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In Texas We Have Everything Big.  ehhhhhh?
	 A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie
farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the
Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
	 Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off
his herd of cattle.  The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns
thatare at least twice as large as your cows".
	 The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field.   He asks,"And what are those"?  The
Aussie replies with an incredulous look,"You Mean That You Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas"?
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"The Funnies" Monday  11/39/98

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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
Dear Friends and Subscribers.  Check This Out!  I think you may enjoy this e
zine letter. The address of this letter is at..
.
RECIPE DU JOUR
Simply the BEST daily recipe list on the Web!
Free delicious recipes delivered daily via email.
Free recipes, Boomer memories, plus humor.
To subscribe visit http://www.recipedujour.com
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Senior Pastor and The Minister of Music
      There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not
getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service.
      One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should
dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader then led the song, I
Shall Not Be Moved.
      The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should
gladly   give to the work of the Lord. The song leader then led the song,
Jesus   Paid It All.
      The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should
watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song, I Love To Tell The
Story.
     The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next
Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The song
leader then led the song, Oh, Why Not Tonight.
       As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week \informed
the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that
was taking him away. The song leader then led the song, What A Friend
We Have   in Jesus.
		 Sent in by "The Funnies" Member" <<PSanOdessa@...>>
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

See: Psalm 119:11.
  I have hidden Your Word in my heart.

Like a log tossed on a frozen lake, God's word may appear to be rejected and
ignored, but when the cold, hard heart thaws, the "log" of truth sinks in and
becomes a part of that life.

Dear friends, do not be so anxious to bail your loved one out of trouble.
First consider that the Lord may be preparing to melt their heart and allow
the truth to sink in.  If you jump in and rescue your loved one before its
time, you may be preventing the Lord from answering the very prayers you have
offered to Him on your loved ones behalf (Psalm 32:2-5).
			 From "the Funnies Member:  Jack  <<USN58@...>>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Practice Makes perfect!
* On the news the other evening, after Saddam backed-down for the
   117th time, they showed the streets in Baghdad crowded with men,
   their arms in the air, all jumping up & down.  Mrs JimJr asked
   what they were doing, and I told her that was Saddam's elite
   guard practicing surrender maneuvers in case we did invade.
				 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
				 Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
       		      www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      			 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
*Not an indorsement but a credit from where this bit came.
**Discretion advised but they do catagorize each bit  of humor at it's title
so you can stay away from what may be offensive.
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Definitions for Parents

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman, who has gone through labor,
to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're angry with him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
						 ++++++++++++++++++++

The Baker's Assistant (Pun)
         Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose
job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls,
noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, He sent
his apprentice to the store to buy more.

         Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that
he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell
the shopkeeper that . . . it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
          (By Douglas Wood)       From: <<Stan Kegel <kegel@...>>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

For Real Vanity License Plates
  Plate:   ICNCYDU
  Meaning: I see inside you, a radiologist's plate

  Plate:   CYIMBRK
  Meaning: See Why I'm broke, found on a cherry 95 ford 3/4 ton truck

  Plate:   OH2B39
  Meaning: A woman in her early 50's has had this plate for about
  the last ten years

  Plate:   YURNEXT
  Meaning: On the car of an undertaker

  Plate:   1DFOAL
  Meaning: "Wonderful" (On a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby horse)

  Plate:   4SAFETY
  Meaning: on a Volvo, what else?

  Plate:   9MPGWOW
  Meaning: 9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! On a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille

  Plate:   AV8RX
  Meaning: Aviatrix (female pilot)

  Plate:   KPASAMDK
  Meaning: (Que) Pasa MD [What's up Doc?]

  Plate:   TOOLONG
  Meaning: On a Lincoln super-long limo owned by Super Limousine,
  Seattle, WA.

  Plate:   W8N4FRI
  Meaning: Waitin' for Friday...join the club!

  Plate:   WNDWS95
  Meaning: Windows 95, On a customized 95 Chevy Astro Van

  Plate:   XKWIZIT
  Meaning: Exquisite, on a '56 speedster

  Plate:   ZMEGOBYU
  Meaning: See me go by you!

  Plate:   CME4AD8
  Meaning: See me for a date

  Plate:   CME4DK
  Meaning: See me for decay, on a dentist's car
		 From:Terry Galan  <galante@...>
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

See:  Eph 6:12; Rev 2:10.
Do not be afraid of what your are about to suffer.

Brother and sisters are you on the right track? Do you realize, as we
faithfully serve the Lord through the power of His Spirit, the devil's hosts
will begin to attack us with all their might?  As a result, we may be called
upon to suffer for Christ's sake. Surprisingly those attacks may even come
through those whom we love the most, our family, our friends, or our fellow
brothers and sisters in Christ (the church).  But keep in mind that we really
do not struggle against flesh and blood, but against spiritual forces.

Stephen Brown explains that when a group of thoroughbred horses face attack,
they stand in a circle facing each other and, with their back legs, kick out
at the enemy. Donkeys do just the opposite; they face the enemy and kick each
other! How often the church does just that -- ignoring the real enemy while we
attack fellow believers.

Often a pastor comes into a church and the first complaint is, that he wants
to change everything.  Dear friends the Lord wants to change everything
starting with you.  He loves you just the way you are, but you need to be
changed.  Some of us are as "filthy rags," the bible says.  Are you in His
perfect image?  Then you need to be changed.  The "How" is not as important as
the "Who" and the "What."

If you have never experience any opposition or setbacks in the Lord's work,
you better get down on your knees and ask Him to show you what you're doing
wrong!
		 From "The Funnies" Member Jack: <<USN58@...>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Banks go on strike.
There was this bank where the employees went on strike leaving the bank

officers to do the teller's tasks. While the strike was on, this

customer called the bank, and asked if they were open. They told her

they had two windows open. Then she asked, . . . "Can't I just come

though the front door?"
				 Posted from Kitty's Daily Mews

					 +++++++++++++++++++++++

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER by Erma Bombeck

*I would have talked less and listened more.

*I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was

stained and the sofa faded.

*I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried

much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the

fireplace.

*I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about

his youth.

*I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer

day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

*I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it

melted in storage.

*I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about

grass stains.

*I would have cried and laughed less while watching television -- and

more while watching life.

*I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the

earth would go into a holding pattern if I wasn't there for the day.

*I would never have bought anything just because it was practical,

wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

*Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished

every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me

was my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

*When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said,

"Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

*There would have been more "I love yous" ... more "I'm sorrys" ...

but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute ...

look at it and really see it ... live it ... and never give it back.

*Don't forget to stop and smell the roses today! Take time to tell a

loved one how much you love them, do something nice for yourself,

and stop to give God thanks for all of it.

       Submitted by Mack Jennings    tmack@...

			 and Posted in the Tidbits Daily devotional
				 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To subscribe to the free Tidbits DAILY Devotional, send an

e-mail to:  tidbits-request@...  and put SUBSCRIBE

in the BODY of the e-mail.



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Devotional, do the same thing listed above but use this

address:tidbits_weekend-request@...
				 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Shorty's ofIraqi Humor



Before the war starts, I thought it might be appropriate to let you in on

what we're up against.


Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?

A: Nothing, yet.



Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A: You only have to teach them to take off.



Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?

A: B-52...F-16...B-52



Q: What is Iraq's national bird?

A: Duck



Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?

A: So they can see their Air Force.



Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?

A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!



Q: What is the best Iraqi job?

A: Foreign Ambassador



Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.



Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser
  targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.



Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw

  in a light bulb?"

A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this

  time."



Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?

A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.



Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?

A: Aeroflot has killed more people.



Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
		 From: ALLAN7@...  and Posted From:  Jewish Humor

						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

On Rosh Hassanah
	 (the Jewish New Year), we have a service called Taslich

(throwing) where we symbolically cast our sins away by throwing bread

into the water.  Some people have asked what they are supposed to throw

into the water. Here are suggestions:



  For ordinary sins, use - White Bread

  For exotic sins - French or Italian bread

  For dark sins - Pumpernickle

  For complex sins - Multi-grain

  For truly warped sins - Pretzels

  For sins of indecision - Waffles

  For sins commited in haste - Matzah

  For substance abuse - Poppy Seed

  For commiting arson - Toast

  For being ill-tempered - Sourdough

  For silliness - Nut bread

  For not giving full value - Short bread

  For political chauvinism -Yankee Doodles

  For excessive use of irony - Rye Bread

  For continual bad jokes - Corn Bread

  For hardening our hearts - Jelly doughnuts

  For speed limit violations - Russian Bread

  For bad temper - Crusty Bread

  For having a hole where your heart should be - Bagels

  For flaunting wealth in the form of fancy cars - Rolls

  For acting like a mad person - Crackers

  For cutting remarks - Sliced Bread

  For fraudulent behavior - Rice cakes

			 -- Lou Katz  Posted From Jewish Humor

						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Q - How do we know Jesus was Jewish?



A - He lived at home until he was 30.

       He went into his father's business.

       His mother thought he was G-d.
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ginsberg never pays his bills and is seen bargaining with a

supplier."Hey, Ginsberg," Goldberg asks him, why are you knocking that

man's prices down ? You're never going to pay him anyway. Listen, -

answers Grinsberg,- he is a nice chap. I just want to keep down  his

losses!
				 More Postings from Jewish Humor
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++




Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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READ group messages at
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CONTINUE to use my personal email address to contact me or to
contribute jokes:  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... </A>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.




------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"The Funnies"  Friday 11/27/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
My  Friend Annette, <<BeNicePlez@...>> asked if  I could publish this
hyperlink for the below listed reason.  Normally I don't do this, but I do
make exceptions to my rules...since I'm the one who made the rules for "The
Funnies"... so here it is.
		 Please click on this Hyperlink:
<A HREF="http://members.aol.com/dlsak/richard.htm">Richard Karpf</A>
It is in memory of my friends brother who died in October from cancer. My
friend needs our support and it is very important that this page be visited
and that her brother's memory lives on.
		 Thanks you,
			 Annette
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SURVIVAL KIT From my Archives but worth a repeat!

MUSTARD SEED:  To remind you that nothing is impossible.

NEEDLE:  To remind you that it is easier for a camel to go thru the eye
of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.

CLAY:  To remind you that He is the potter and we are all the work of His
hand.

CANDLE:  To remind you that God is the way, the light.

HEART:  To remind you that the man who loves God is known by God.

BLOCK:  Though you may stumble, you will not fall for the Lord upholds
you with His hand.

DIME:  To remind you to give back to God 1/10 of the blessings He has
given you.

TOOTHPICK:  To remind you not to try and remove the splinter from
someone else's eye until you remove the plank from your own.
		 From the Archives of <<Andychap@...>>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++

		 It is fitting that this article wrtten by Jack follows:

See: Jer 4:14.
O Jerusalem, wash the evil from your heart and be saved…

Did you know -- In 1842 the first bathtub was denounced as a "luxurious
vanity". Boston, Massachusetts even made it unlawful to bathe, except with a
doctor's prescription. In 1843, just a few miles South of where I live,
Philadelphia made bathing illegal between November 1 and March 15. I guess
that is why Philadelphians are so use to that gray cloud hanging over the
city!
Yet sadly, most Christians have adopted a similar attitude for spiritual
cleansing.  We quickly cleans those parts of our spiritual body that others
can notice, yet we hide those secret parts that might reveal our lack of
cleanliness. 1 John 1:9
Dear friends, we do not hate our sin enough when we would rather put up with
the stench of our un-confessed sin than come clean before God! 2 Cor 7:1
		 From "The Funnies" Member Jack:  <<USN58@...>>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Genie Grants 3 Wishes.
A Young Yuppie was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this
salt encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt.
Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp.
     The Yuppie started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie
appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp
that he granted the guy three wishes.
    "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the Yuppie.
    The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check
Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he
learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.
    "Mr. Yuppie," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than
Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"
    "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board
GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
    "That's easy, Yuppie," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car
anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp.
    The genie then asks the Yuppie for his third wish. The Yuppie mulls the
problem over and over.  A girl? Nah, with billions and billions of dollars he
certainly had become a chick magnet.
     World peace? Only wackos want that. The Yuppie found a reason not to wish
for anything that came to his mind.
    "Genie," the Yuppie said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the
third wish for later?"
    "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from
this lamp until you make a third wish.  Call me when you're ready," and woosh
the genie disappears into the lamp.
    The Yuppie carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it
in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance
the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio
system customized to his ears.
     After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific
Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled
perfectly. The Yuppie was so happy that he began to sing along with the radio.
   "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer...." and the rest is HISTORY.
		 Posted from:  THE HOOT 11/27/98
<A HREF="mailto:Sthrnx3222@...?Subject=mailing choice ">Sthrnx3222@...
</A>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++

A ONE-LINER
* They kept telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you
like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my
body said, "Do it and you die."
		 Posted from:  THE HOOT 11/27/98
<A HREF="mailto:Sthrnx3222@...?Subject=mailing choice ">Sthrnx3222@...
</A>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Another One Liner.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There are Diets and There are Diets!
*  A diet is a weigh of life.
*  It's something most of us do religiously:  We eat what
    we want and pray we don't gain weight.
*  A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit
    into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the  dressing room.
*  One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike:
    If you're thin, don't eat fast.
    If you're fat, don't eat...fast.
*  The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of
    us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.
*  The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream
    sundae is a spoon.
*  The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it
     makes one weak.
*  Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, the pause
    that refleshes.
*  Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*  Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
*  The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.
     It's watching what other people eat.
*  Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish
    figure but doubled it.
*  A diet is when you have to go to some length to change
    your width.
*  It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on
    weight, it's the seconds.
*  Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to
    become a bargain.
*  The best way to lose weight is by skipping...snacks and
     desert.
*  Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for
     two...alone.
*  People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.
*  A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts
    its calories instead of its blessings.

	  From:  Joke-A-Thon     joke_a_thon-subscribe@egroups.com
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Christ be with me
I arise today through God's strength to pilot me.
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear for me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me.
Christ be with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
St. Patrick
		 Sent in by "The Funnies Member Ruthie: <Sugie01@...
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Hardest Job
A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his
  car to get to the valves.  A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired,
walked over to observe the process.  After they introduced themselves,
they began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work.

"You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this
type of work is complicated as the work we do."

"Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the
  engine is running."
					 Posted From Ed's Joke List
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Serious Recycler
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery.
She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters
worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her.  Every morning, for
example,
the nurse would bring her breakfast which always consisted of an egg,
piece of toast, and glass of apple juice.  She would then return a little bit
later to empty the urine bottle.  And so it continued... Finally, one morning,
she decided to have a little fun.  She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to
the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple
juice into it.  When the nurse returned later that morning, she took a look at
the bottle and a frown came over her face.   "Obviously, you enjoyed your
breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,"
she said, pointing to the urine bottle.  "Oh, really?" she replied, picking up
the
bottle in question and putting it to her lips.  "In that case, we'd better run
it
through again..."
					 Posted From ed's jokes List
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Good Listening is Hard Work!
	 Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building.
One was 40 years old, the other over 70.  They rode on the elevator together
  at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day.  The younger man was
  completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior
  was fresh as a daisy.  "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can
  listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and
  still look so spry and unbothered when it's over."
	 The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've got Good News and Bad News!
A lawyer walks into his client's cell on death row and says,
"I've got good news and bad news for you."
Client says, "Okay, What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that the governor won't issue a stay of execution."
"That's awful.  What could possibly be the good news?"
"THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT I GOT YOUR VOLTAGE REDUCED."
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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CONTINUE to use my personal email address to contact me or to
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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Free Web-based e-mail groups -- http://www.eGroups.com

"The Funnies"  Wednesday  11/25/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
about them. Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of
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Just send a blank e mail

Unsubscribe Information at end of this letter

	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================

	 Click on this Hyperlink for an important message on "friendship"
						 <A HREF="http://members.aol.com/SuperDrag1/abcs.html">The ABC's of
Friendship</A>
	 This was sent to me by "the Funnies" Member Randy <RHrichie@...>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

True stories from the BUTTERBALL TURKEY HOTLINE….. where people call to get
advice from the experts.


* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called <their number> to find out
how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-
Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I
don't know, it's still running around outside."

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know
how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

* Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No
ma'am, they're dead."

* One adviser there says her favorite calls are those from people who leave
their turkey out on the kitchen counter all night after the feast and want to
know if it's safe to eat the next day.  When told it's risky, they often
respond, "If we do eat it, how sick will we get?"

* Another caller had a turkey that had been in her freezer for twenty-three
years, and she wanted to know if it was still safe. The folks at Butterball
advised her that if the freezer had been kept at zero degrees and never
defrosted, the turkey was safe, but its quality would not be good.

"That's what we thought," she replied.  "We'll give it to the church."
          Contributed by "the Funnies" Member Wilma:
<Coffeemom2@...>
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I REFUSE
I refuse to be discouraged, To be sad, or to cry;
I refuse to be downhearted, and here's the reason why:
I have a God who's mighty, Who's sovereign and supreme;
I have a God who loves me, and I am on His team.

He is all-wise and powerful. Jesus is His name;
Though everything is changeable, My God remains the same.
My God knows all that's happening; Beginning to the end;
His presence is my comfort; He is my dearest Friend.

When sickness comes to weaken me, To bring my head down low,
I call upon my mighty God; Into His arms I go.
When circumstances threaten to rob me of my peace;
He draws me close unto His breast, Where all my strivings
cease.

When my heart melts within me, and weakness takes control;
He gathers me into His arms, He soothes my heart and soul.
The great "I AM" is with me. My life is in His hand.
The "Son of the Lord" is my hope. It's in His strength I stand.

I refuse to be defeated. My eyes are on my God;
He has promised to be with me, As through this life I trod.
I'm looking past all my circumstances, To Heaven's throne
above;
My prayers have reached the heart of God I'm resting in His
love.

I give God thanks in everything. My eyes are on His face;
The battle's His, the victory mine; He'll help me win the race.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!!!
Pass it on!
			 Unknown
	 Sent in by Wendy a "The Funnies" Member : <Hilliardwe@...>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

					 See: John 21:20-22.
If I want him to remain until I return, what is that to you?

A very old Roman coin was once found and inscribed on its surface was a
picture of an ox.  The ox was facing two things -- an altar on his left and a
plough on his right, and the inscription read: "Ready for either."  The ox had
to be ready for either the supreme moment of sacrifice on the altar or for the
long and difficult labor of the plough. Either choice would consume his life.

We all face choices in our lives.  Choices that tend to consume us; our time,
our thoughts, our chosen purpose in life.  But for a Christian there really is
only one cup of choice. To drink that cup simply means to follow Christ,
wherever he may lead you, and to be like Him in any situation life may bring.
You may be called to sacrifice yourself on the altar of service as a pastor,
or you may be called to harness yourselves, and to expend your life's energies
in preparing the fields for harvest.  Wherever you find yourself, be content
and know that God is no respecter of persons, and your call whether to the
altar or to the plow is just as important to God (Romans 2, 11).
		 From "The Funnies Member Jack:  <USN58@...>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Special Thanks To Jack: USN58
I would just like to take a moment during this Thanksgiving Season to thank
Jack for giving all of us here at "The Funnies" such great inspirational
writings.  Why not write him and thanks him for doing this yourself?  I'm sure
he'd love to hear from you too. And Thank You Jack, for allowing me to uses
your inspirational writings.
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Everyday THANKSGIVING!!!!
  Even though I clutch my blanket and growl
  when the alarm rings, thank you, Lord, that I can
  hear.  There are many who are deaf.

  Even though I keep my eyes closed against
  the morning light as long as possible, thank you,
  Lord, that I can see.  Many are blind.

  Even though I huddle in my bed and put off
  rising, thank you Lord, that I have the strength to
  rise.  There are many who are bedridden.

  Even though the first hour of my day is
  hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned and
  tempers are short, my children are so loud
  thank you, Lord, for my family.
  There are many who are lonely.

  Even though our breakfast table never looks
  like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at
  times unbalanced, thank you, Lord, for the food
  we have.  There are many who are hungry.

  Even though the routine of my job is often
  monotonous, thank you, Lord, for the opportunity
  to work.  There are many who have no job.

  Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate
  from day to day and wish my circumstances were
  not so modest, thank you, Lord, for life.

		 From [Funny List]  as posted in: A Joke A Day Ministries
A Joke A Day Ministries [http://members.aol.com/AJokeADay7/home.html]

  If you wish to subscribe for our mailing list please send requests to:
					 Majordomo@...
		 and put: subscribe ajokeaday7 in the body of the email.

   For the BibleNet On-Line Bible NIV: http://www.gospelcom.net/bible
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thoughts on Cars  By Mr. Jim Jr.
*   Most people hate to parallel park.  The other day, I
saw  this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space.  She'd  bump
the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind  her.  This went
on about 2-3 minutes.    I walked over to see if I could somehow help.
My offer was  declined though.  She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not
  going to use them once in a while ?"

* My daughter-in-law bought a brand new super fancy Japanese  sports car.
  I think she's gotten a little carried away though  in caring for it.
Nobody's allowed to get in it unless they  take off their shoes first.

*   I saw some of the Daytona 500 car race the other week.  The  TV
announcer said that the pit crews can have all the tires  off of the car
in thirty seconds or less.    Shoot -- that ain't nothing.  The guy's
obviously never been  to Maryland.  You can see kids in Baltimore City do
it a lot  faster than that anytime ya want.

*   Being from the 50's I guess I'm too used to full sized cars.  I mean
my lil' Mazda is a nice car and all, but it's just too  small.  Take the
glove compartment for example, all I can get  in there is two fingers and
a thumb.

* I did get a whale of a bargain though when I bought that Mazda.  The
dealer threw in the carrying case for nothing.

* The British, not to be outdone with sub-subcompact cars, have  just
come out with one where the windshield is so small it's  a monocle.
				 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thanksgiving Day
	 was approaching and the family had received a
Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to
church.  Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing:
"The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and
fathers."  "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad
carrying that rifle?"
		 From: The Joke Review <jokes@...>
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

  HOW TO OBSERVE THANKSGIVING

  Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
  Count your gains instead of your losses.
  Count your joys instead of your woes;
  Count your friends instead of your foes.
  Count your smiles instead of your tears;
  Count your courage instead of your tears.
  Count your full years instead of your lean;
  Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.
  Count your health instead of your wealth;
  Count on God instead of yourself.
		 From: The Joke Review <jokes@...>
		 the 2 above were posted from Bill's Punch Line to Join
		 Send An Email To:  join-bills-punch-line@...
  		 Do not type any other words.
  		 NOTE: The above address is @s1.net (one) not @sl.net (L)
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two confirmed bachelors
 	 sat talking, their conversation drifed from  politics to cooking.
	 "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything  with it."
	 "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
	 "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take
	 a clean dish'".
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++

Kids' Instructions on Life
**Never trust a dog to watch your food.  Patrick, Age 10
**When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.  Matthew, Age 12
**Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.  Andrew, Age
9
**Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.  Rocky, Age 9
**Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.  Stephanie, Age 8
**Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.  Rosemary, Age 7
**Don't flush the john when your dad is in the shower.  Lamar, Age 10
**Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your
Parents are doing taxes.  Carrol, Age 9
**Never bug a pregnant mom.  Nicholas, Age 11
**Don't ever be too full for dessert.  Kelly, Age 10
**When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16
**Never tell your mom her diet's not working.  Michael, Age 14
**Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.  Joel, Age 12
**When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
the phone.  Alyesha, Age 13
**Never try to baptize a cat.  Laura, Age 13
**Never spit when on a roller coaster.  Scott, Age 11
**Never do pranks at a police station.  Sam, Age 10
**Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.  Rob, Age 10
**Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom
told you to do.  Hank, Age 12
**Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.  Molly, Age 11
**Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.  > >Chelsey, Age 7
**Stay away from prunes.  Randy, Age 9
**Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13
**Forget the cake, go for the icing.  Cynthia, Age 8

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE COMES FROM JOANNE AND IT IS...........

**Remember the two places you are always welcome - Church and Grandma's house.
Joanne
	 sent in by "The Funnies Member Nnrivera: <Nnrivera@...>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"A Very, Very. Very Special Occasion"        (Author Unknown)

  This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me
  because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened.
  My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her
  first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed
  one of the cabinet door was ajar.  I read the box in the
  cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping
  napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
  Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told
  me that those were for special occasions.

  Now fast forward a few months.  It's Thanksgiving Day, and
  my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for
  Dinner.  Mom had assignments for all of us while they were
  gone.  Mine was to set the table.  You guessed it!  When they
  returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst
  into laughter.  Next came his wife who gasped, then began
  giggling.  Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
  Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment
  when she saw each place setting on the table with a
  "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork
  carefully arranged on top.  I had even tucked the little tails
  in so they didn't hang off the edge.  My mother asked me
  why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
  other adults into further fits of laughter.

  "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!
	 Sent in by "The Funnies" Member Lynn: <LAnder1316@...>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Retrocredit: The let us pray thing is a song done by Steven Curtis Chapman.
Thought I should let ya know. It was in 11/24/98 "The Funnies"

      Ruthie
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Funnies: Tuesday  11/24/98
If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
about them. Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of
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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================

Click on this hyperlink <A HREF="http://wilstar.com/holidays/thanksqz.htm">
Wilstar's Thanksgiving Quiz</A> and you'll be glad
you did! BTW:  Happy thanksgiving to all of my "The Funnies"
Subscribers and Readers.
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You Know You're From California When...

  1.  The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
  2.  Your were born somewhere else
  3.  You know how to eat an artichoke
  4.  The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
  5.  Your car has bulletproof windows
  6.  Left is right and right is wrong
  7.  Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income
  8.  Your mouse has only one ball
  9.  If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up
  10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by
  11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it
  12. You drive to your neighborhood block party
  13. Your family tree contains "significant others"
  14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist
  15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them
  16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
  17. More than clothes come out of the closets
  18. "The Dead" are best live
  19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach
  20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse
  21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers
  22. Smoking in your office is not optional
  23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a sweater
      and a wetsuit for the beach
  24. When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch"
  25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks
  26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news
  27. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman
  28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day
  29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery
  30. When all highways into the state say:  "No fruits"
  31. All highways out of the state say:  "Go back"
		 From:    Terry Galan <galante@...>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++

Though I cannot vouche for all content in this e zine, you may want to check
it out.  If you like it, keep it.  If not, can it!
	 Shalom
		 Andy

Veteran Bob Hope script writer Bob Mills publishes the free, daily comedy
e-zine "Funny Side Up" with topical jokes from politically incorrect to
tasteless to, on occasion, a real sickie.  Plus fascinating stories from
behind-the-scenes of the Bob Hope Show.  See a sample at
http://home.switchboard.com/funnysideup  or sign up at:
http://funnysideup.listbot.com/    No browser?  E-mail Bob at
jokesmith@... and put "free laughs" in the subject box.
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Momma, look what I found
	 A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination and
looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out
of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an
old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
	 "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
	 "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
	 With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's
Adam's suit!"
		 Randy Walker The Good Humor man
			 'From: Funny-Bone <join-funny-bone@...>'
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

<(((>< {S letspray} <(((><
I hear you say your heart is aching
You've got trouble in the making
And you ask if I'll be praying for you please
And in keeping with convention
I'll say yes with good intentions
To pray later making mention of your needs
But since we have this moment here at heaven's door
We should start knocking now, what are we waiting for?
Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time.
For the Father above, He is listening with love,
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray.
So when we feel the Spirit moving
Prompting, prodding and behooving
There is no time to be losing, let us pray
Let the Father hear us saying
What we need to be conveying
Even while this song is playing, let us pray
And just because we say the word, "Amen"
It doesn't mean this conversation needs to end.
Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere and every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray
Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence
As our prayers draw us near
To the One who knows our needs
Before we even call His name
Our Father which art in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Let us pray
Sent in by "The Funnies" member Roy Edwards: <roy.pat@...>
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The answers revealed <Sorry, ladies, but men had to be told>
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers...

The questions are:
1.     What are you thinking about?
2.     Do you love me?
3.     Do I look fat?
4.     Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.     What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,
tells the truth).  Therefore, as a public service, each question is
analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a.     Baseball.
b.     Football.
c.     How fat you are.
d.     How much prettier she is than you.
e.     How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
        A.     I suppose so.
        B.     Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
        C.     That depends on what you mean by love.
        D.     Does it matter?
        E.     Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
        A.     Compared to what?
        B.     I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
        C.     A little extra weight looks good on you.
        D.     I've seen fatter.
        E.     Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about
         how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
        A.  Yes, but you have a better personality
        b.  Not prettier, but definitely thinner
        c.  Not as pretty as you when you were her age
        d.  Define pretty
        e.  Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how
        I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a
Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
       Woman: Would you get married again?
       Man:    Definitely not!
       W: Why not, don't you like being married?
       M:        Of course I do.
       W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
       M:    Okay, I'd get married again.
       W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
       M:    Yes, I would.
       W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
       M:    Where else would we sleep?
       W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures
       of her?
       M:    That would seem like the proper thing to do.
       W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
       M:    Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
				 Trust me, I'm a doctor.
				 Catweasel <catweasel@...>
				 http://www.catweasel.org
				 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Magic Mirror
  Legend has it that there is a Church in Arkansas where, in the Ladies
Room, there is a very special mirror.  If one stands in front of the mirror
and tells the truth, one is granted a wish.  However, if one tells a lie,
  *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to
be seen again.
 	 A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands
before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the
world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
 	 Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I
think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows
her.
 	 Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror
and says,"I think... and...." *POOF*
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class

NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills
Resulting from use of her cookbook

Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put
them in the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes
and 300 degrees.  You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it
in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a
knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the
neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for
half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.

Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it
for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish
them up.  Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce".
Then you eat it.

Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven
for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool
and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put
it in the oven.  Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees.
Then you eat it.

Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook
it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.

Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put
gravy on it and eat it.

Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in
the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry
them off. Then it's time to eat them.

Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it
for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom
or dad cuts it and then eat.

Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10
hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at
19 degrees.  Then you eat it with stuffing.

Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven
for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven
and eat it.

Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you
put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon
and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it
in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees.
Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it
in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You
put it on plates and then you eat it.

Jordan Salvatore- Turkey
First you put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 100 degrees.
Then you cut it up and then you eat it.

Jordan Simons - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then
you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it
in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you
eat it.

Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees
and then you eat it.

Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and
mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken
sauce and stir it all around again.  Then you cook it for 5
minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.

Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done.
And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees.
Then you eat it.

Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and
5 degrees.  Then you cut it up and you eat it.

Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it.
Then you eat it.

Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it.
Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake
it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

Jarryd -  Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go
hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.

Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes
at 35 degrees.  Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.

Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a
pie with it.  Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough
into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9
degrees for 15 minutes.

Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it.
Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60
degrees. Then eat it.

Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir.
Then you eat it.

Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out
and eat it.

Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it
in a pan.  Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it.
Put salsa on it. Take out of pan.  Put it on the board. Cut
into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7
minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy
weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it.
Then you eat it.

Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in.
Then put it on a plate. Then eat.

Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon.
Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.

Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.

Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin

Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.

---------------------- http://www.newhumor.com ---------------------

Be Thankful
	 **Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
	 **Be thankful when you don't
know everything, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
	 **Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
	 **Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you
opportunities for improvement.
	 **Be thankful for each new challenge
because it will build your strength and character.
	 **Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.
	 **Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference
	 Sent in by "The Funnies" Member  Wendy: <HilliardeWE@...>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Please take a scroll down this sweet path and smile . . .;-)))
**Don't take life so seriously....you'll
never get out of it alive

**Sometimes I think I understand ...
Then I regain consciousness.

**Feeling down?? Just remember that behind every dark and stormy
cloud...is a ruined hairstyle and worms on  the sidewalk

**Don't forget.....life is 10% how you
make it......and 90% how you take it.

*Motherhood is full of frustrations and challenges...
but eventually they move out.

**If it was going to be easy to raise kids...
it never would have started with something called LABOR!!!

**A rose can say I Love You...orchids can enthrall.....but a weed
bouquet in a chubby fist............OH MY that says it all!

**You Tolerate my trivia, Laugh at my lunacy, and Care when I cry...
that's what I call TLC!!!!!!!

**Experience is what you get
when you didn't get what you wanted.

**Life is easier than you think.....All you have to do is:
Accept the impossible, Do without theindispensable,
bear the intolerable, and be able to smile at anything.

**WHAT LIGHT?? I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THE TUNNEL!!!!!

**Relax---If we weren't meant to keep starting over.....
would GOD havegranted us Monday??

**If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment
without having to accomplish anything.

**TODAY is the TOMORROW you worried about YESTERDAY...
  ...and all is well.

**I love you more today than yesterday:
Yesterday you really got on my nerves.

**Eat Right, Stay Fit....
Die anyway!

**Everytime I think about exercise,
I lie down til the thought goes away.

**Eat dessert first!! ..........
after all, life is uncertain!
	 More from "The Funnies Member" Wendy <Hilliardwe@...>
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"The Funnies" 11/23/98

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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================


This was sent to me by several people today.  Always glad to give credit to
whom it is due.  thanks to all of you.

Shalom

Andy

The poem "I cannot go to school today" Is written by Shel Silverstein.  It is
in his book titled "Where the sidewalk ends" My son has a collection of his
books. It was in the funnies from today 11-23-98

I Cannot Go To School Today!. Huhhh ? ?

"I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks, I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue
It might be the instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My' pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is –
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .......Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

by Shel Silverstein.  It is in his book titled "Where the sidewalk ends"

Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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READ group messages at
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CONTINUE to use my personal email address to contact me or to
contribute jokes:  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... </A>
					 +++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"The Funnies" Monday  11/23/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
about them. Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of
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Just send a blank e mail

How to Unsubscribe Information at end of this letter

	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
I Cannot Go To School Today!. Huhhh ? ?

"I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks, I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue
It might be the instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My' pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is –
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .......Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"
	 By:  Peggy Ann McKay and Posted in: jershie@...
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++

Ten Ways to Know if You have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says, How's my driving? Call 1-800-000-000
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice
7. You're counting down the days until menopause
8. You're convinced there's a God and he's male
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you insane
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
		 Contributed by: Paula <<grannygrunt3@...>>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++

Helping The CEO
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing
in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO,
"this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the
paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."
	 From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@...> Posted From: UGA Humor
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Subject: Male Bashing  Men are like.......

       Men are like.....Placemats.
       They only show up when there's food on the table.

       Men are like.....Mascara.
       They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

       Men are like.....Bike helmets.
       Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

       Men are like.....Government bonds.
       They take so long to mature.

       Men are like.....Copiers.
       You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

       Men are like.....Lava lamps.
       Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

       Men are like.....Bank accounts.
       Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

       Men are like.....High heels.
       They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

       Men are like.....Curling irons.
       They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
			 From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@...> Posted in UGA
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Habit of Error!
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that

was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the

owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.



"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.



"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two

hundred dollars, and you never complained."



The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake.

But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your

attention."
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

See:  Isaiah 41:10; 2 Cor 12:9-10.
   Do not fear, for I am with you.  For my power is made perfect in weakness.

Did you know that Charles H. Spurgeon, probably the most famous preacher of
the 1800's, suffered bouts with depression?  He was called to a church at 23
and was addressing crowds of 5000 by age 30.  He preached in the Metropolitan
Tabernacle in London that seated over 6000.  Yet he wrote this:

"Before any great achievement in my life, some measure of depression would
always come over me.  I became very usual. Such was my experience when I first
became a pastor in London; my success appalled me and the thought of that
career which seemed to be opening up, so far from elating me, cast me into the
lowest depths out of which I uttered my misery. I found no room for a Gloria-
in-Excelsis.

Who was I that I should continue to lead so great a multitude?  I would slip
away to my village in obscurity, preferring to emigrate to America and find a
solitary nest in the backwoods.

I began to realize that it was just then that the curtain was rising on my
greatest life's work and I dreaded what it might reveal to me. I hope I was
not faithless!  But I was timorous and filled with a sense of my own
unfitness. This depression sweeps over me whenever the Lord is preparing a
larger blessing for my life and ministry.  Some of you are right at the door."

Brothers and sisters, this in many ways speaks to me, does it speak to anyone
else?
			 Contributed by: Jack  <<USN58@...>>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++

Shorty's to Think About:
- A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a
train stops.  On my desk I have a work station...

  - Can atheists get insurance for Acts of God?

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

- Does fuzzy logic tickle?

- If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with
battery?

  - I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

  - I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

  - If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

  - What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

  - If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

  - Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know
the battery is dead?

- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

- Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

- If the universe is everything, and scientists say
that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

  - If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
other trees make fun of it?

- Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

- Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?

  - When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

  - Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
it's not adoor?

  - Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

  - How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but
always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

  - Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?

  - Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  - Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

  - Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Occupational Descriptions...



       An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the

       value of nothing.



       An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle  and  bayonets

       all the wounded.



       A  banker  is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is

       shining and wants it back the minute it  begins  to  rain.  (Mark

       Twain)



       An  economist  is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things

       he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.



       A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks  the

       personality to be an accountant.



       An  actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because

       that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the

       plane.



       A  programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you

       had in a way you don't understand.



       A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black

       cat which isn't there.



       A  topologist  is a man who doesn't know the difference between a

       coffee cup and a doughnut.



       A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and  calls

       it a "brief."



       A  psychologist  is  a  man  who  watches  everyone  else  when a

       beautiful girl enters the room.



       A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.



       A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used  to  think  she

       liked children.



       A  consultant  is  someone who takes the watch off your wrist and

       tells you the time.



       A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell  in  such  a

       way that you will look forward to the trip


				 Subscribe to Kitty's Daily Mews! send an email to:
majordomo@...   in the BODY type subscribe kittysdailymews
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Millionaires on strike. What a country!!!

To say that the NBA owners are not greedy is like saying the players
play for the love of the game.
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Dangerous diet:
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.  "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.  Red meat is awful.  Vegetables can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of
us eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring
to?  You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
	 The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Quickest Way Home!
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.  Her arms
were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.  By her
actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy
about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman
remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home
before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk.  "With that wind kicking up out
there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++

EVERYDAY THANKSGIVING

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings, thank you,
Lord, that I can hear.  There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as
possible, thank you, Lord, that I can see.  Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you Lord, that I
have the strength to rise.  There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast
is burned, and tempers are short, my children are so loud, thank you, Lord,
for my family.  There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines
and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you, Lord, for the food we have.
  There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job is often monotonous, thank you, Lord, for
the opportunity to work.  There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my
circumstances were not so modest, thank you, Lord, for life.
				 [forwarded by Amasha Taylor] Posted From:
MIKEY'S FUNNIES, brought to you by Mike Atkinson @ YOUTH SPECIALTIES
A Funny just 4 u, nearly every weekday.
~ To subscribe, send e-mail to: Mikeys-Funnies-request@...
put the word Subscribe in the message body
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Diagnosis is..,.....
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for his checkup.

Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and said, "Unless you do the

following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on

to say, "Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve

him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so

that you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure that you feed him

a good hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful

conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep

the house spotless and clean so that he doesn't get exposed to any

threatening germs."



On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said.



She replied, "He said that you're going to die."
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And....To Make A  Diagnosis I need...
An hard of hearing elderly man went to the doctor and his wife went
with them.

Doctor: How are you doing and why are you here today?

Man: Huh!

Woman: (yelling) What’s the matter with you.

Man: I can’t hear as good as I useta to.  Whatca gonna do?

Doctor: We are going to take x-rays and a blood sample.

Man: Huh!

Woman: (yelling) He is going to do a blood test.

Doctor: We also need a urine speciman and a stool sample.

Man: Huh!

Woman: (yelling) He wants a pair of your underwear.
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Parameters established:
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional
extremes.
         "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the
student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
         "Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
         "Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of
woe?"
         The Texan  replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
			 Posted From:  Wilma <<Coffeemom2@@aol.com
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Picture of Perfect Peace

      There once was a King who offered a prize to the artist who
      would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried.
      The King looked at all the pictures, but there were only
      two he really liked and he had to choose between them.

      One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect
      mirror for peaceful towering mountains were all around it.
      Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who
      saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture
      of peace.

      The other picture had mountains too. But these were
      rugged and bare.  Above was an angry sky from which
      rain fell, in which lightening played. Down the side of the
      mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look
      peaceful at all.

      But when the King looked, he saw behind the waterfall
      a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock.

      In the bush a mother bird had built her nest.  There, in
      the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird
      on her nest...  perfect peace.

      Which picture do you think won the prize?

      The King chose the second picture.

      Do you know why?

      "Because," explained the King, "peace does not mean
      to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard
      work.  Peace means to be in the midst of all those things
      and still be calm in your heart.  That is the real meaning
      of peace.
                      -Author Unknown: Posted from bill's Punch Line:
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-------------
   Send An Email To:  join-bills-punch-line@...
   Do not type any other words.
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					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Church  Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the
invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime -  The period between Sunday School and worship when many
choose to leave

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do
anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water
fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be
given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost
over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last
week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if
the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the
sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return
for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

	 Contributed by "The Funnies" Members Inez & Max <<maxlee@...>>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now You're in the Army!
The Company Commander and the Ist Sgt. were in the field. As they hit the sack
for the night, the First Sergeant (ISGT) said: " Sir, look up   into the sky
and tell me what you see?"

The Company Commander said "I see millions of stars."
First Sgt.:  " And what does this tell you sir?"

The Company Commander:  " Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions
of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells that
God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Then the Co Commander asked the First Sgt.: " What does it tell you, Top?"

First Sgt.: " Well sir, it tells me someone stole our TENT."
		 Contributed by "The Funnies Member US ARMYChaplainJonnie Cometa
							 JohnCometa@...
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
*If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
*Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the
mute can speak.
*When you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
*What holds you together is far greater than what can tear you apart.
*Respect costs nothing. (Unless it's lost)
*Life is like a soap opera.  God is the head writer; your story line
keeps
changing; it's a daily event; and there are Friday cliffhangers.
*When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so
long at the closed door that we do not see the one which had been opened
for us.
*Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
*Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
		 Contributed by "The Funnies" Member: <Judib@...>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
			 Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
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Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================
My Sister-in-Law Lynn...who does medical transcrips....sent me this.  I'm sure
from her profession and view, she can testify for sure this is it!  Thanks
Sis!

DON'T GET SICK!

During the 1930's, my four brothers and I had a caring mother who fixed
most of our internal ills with castor oil or Epsom salts. Bruises were
lovingly rubbed with a smelly liniment, cuts disinfected with iodine that
made the cure more painful than the injury.

For more baffling medical problems, our mother arranged a visit to the
friendly family doctor. How thoroughly we were scrubbed, nails trimmed,
hair combed for a visit to this man in white, who could cure anything
with aspirin, quinine, Parishes food and yes - castor oil and Epsom
salts.

Times have changed! The small box holding those mysterious blue bottles,
kept on the highest shelf in the house, has gone. The GP has become
redundant.  Now a specialist is necessary for anything more complicated
than a common cold.

One doctor looks you through and through,
Can't diagnose your case, now there are two.

Two doctors failing to agree,
Call in a surgeon, now there are three.

Three doctors look you o'er and o'er,
This needs a heart man, now there are four.

Four doctors, glad you're still alive,
Summon an internist, now there are five.

Five doctors, really in a fix,
Consult a radiologist, now there are six.

Six doctors, delaying your trip to heaven,
Send for a chest man, now there are seven.

Seven doctors working on your fate,
Need a urologist, now there are eight.

Eight doctors see you're not doing fine,
Invite a hematologist, now there are nine.

Nine doctors, good and honest men,
Seek one last opinion, then there are ten.

Ten doctors standing around your bed,
Finally agree: "Too late - poor devil is dead."
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.


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"The Funnies" Thursday 11/19/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someone
about them. Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of
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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy
=====================================================

THIS & THAT:
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University (Name is classified) grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn
them in.  The professor opens the books  and     assigns the first grade
that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
  - Students are asked to defend their position of why they should
receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
  - If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the
student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play
the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
					 Posted from:  Wit and wisdom
To SUBSCRIBE visit:
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					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Something Extra
See: See:  Psa 5:3; Psa 119:147; Mark 1:35

The morning is the gate of the day, and it should be well guarded with prayer.
It is one end of the thread on which the day's actions are strung, and should
be well knotted with devotion. If we felt the majesty of life we should be
more careful of its mornings. He who rushes from his bed to his business and
does not pause to worship is as foolish as though he had not put on his
clothes, or cleansed his face, and as unwise as though he had dashed into
battle without arms or armor. Be it ours to bathe in the softly flowing river
of communion with God, before the heat of the wilderness and the burden of the
way begins to oppress. -- Charles Spurgeon
					 Submitted by Jack: USN58@...
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Thoughts from Mr. Jim Jr.
* While the melody is pretty good, I can't quite understand the
   basis for the latest Country Music hit here in Maryland:
   "I Can't Remember the Name of the Girl I'm Trying to Forget"
                                 - - - - -

*   Away for a seminar once in New Jersey, I ordered the breakfast
   special at the hotel where I was staying.  The waitress brought
   it and asked if there would be anything else.  Flirting a little,
   I replied, "Just some kind words for a man far away from home."
     She leaned over, put her hand on my shoulder, and whispered in
   my ear, "Don't eat the breakfast special."
                                 - - - - -

*   The vain lil' Yuppette was talking with a plastic surgeon
   concerning her upcoming operation. "I'd like to be the most
   beautiful woman in Columbia." she said.
     "I see." replied the surgeon. "Do you want me to change
   your face completely ?"
     "Oh NO!" she said, repulsed. "I want everyone to know who
   it is that's now so beautiful."
                                 - - - - -

*   To me, there's nothing better for dinner than a big, juicy
   steak. I had such a steak at a restaurant recently in Columbia.
   Returning the following week, I was disappointed to receive a
   steak more suited for the kiddy menu.  I signaled the waiter
   and when he came over I said, "Last week when I was here, I
   got a steak fit for a King, and now look at this puny thang."
     He replied, "Yes, I know.  But last week you were seated by
   the window looking out onto the Mall."
                                 - - - - -

*   Recently when Mrs JimJr and I were babysitting our daughter's
   three, they all wanted to watch a movie on cable about ancient
   Rome.  During a scene where Christians were being thrown to the
   lions, Sandy's youngest, Libby, grabbed my arm & started crying.
     Fearing it was too violent a scene, I assured her that the
   people were actors and it was only a movie.
     She managed to say between sobs, "But that lil' lion in the
   corner isn't getting any Christians to eat at all !!!"
						 Posted from:  UGA
						 +++++++++++++++++++

Webster Never Planned On This
Antacid  \ant-as'-id\:   Uncle Acid's wife
Antelope  \an'-tl-op\:  How she married my Uncle
Arbitrator  \ar'-bi-tra'-ter\:  A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's
Avoidable  \a-void'-a-ble\:  What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney      \ba-lo'-ne\:   Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette  \burn'-a-det\:  The act of torching a mortgage
Bottom        \bot'-em\:  What the shopper did when she found the shoes that
she wanted.
Bucktooth  \buk'-tooth\: The going rate for the tooth fairy
Burglarize   \bur'-gler-ise\:  What a crook sees with

Cantaloupe  \kan'-tl-op\: When you are unable to run away to get married
Cartoonist   \kar-toon'-ist\:  What you call your auto mechanic
Castanets       \kas'-te-net\:  What they did to fill the role of Frankie
Avalon's movie girlfriend
Celtics           \sel'-tiks\:  What a parasite saleman does
Concert        \kon'-surt\:  A breath mint for inmates
Consist         \kon-sist'\:   A growth on an inmate
Content        \kon'-tent\:  A fabric shelter for inmates
Control         \kon-trol"\:  A short, ugly inmate
Convent       \kon'-vent\:   How inmates get air conditioning
Counterfeiters   \:  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Crestfallen    \krest'-fo-len\:  Dropped toothpaste
Cross-eyed Teacher  \kros'-ied te'-cher\:  A teacher that looses control over
his or her pupils

Decrease      \dee-krees'\:  De fold in de pants
Demote         \dee-mot:\   What de king put around de castle
Despise         \dee-spiz'\:  De persons who work for the CIA
Detention      \dee-ten'-shen\:  What causes de stress
Dictator          \dik'-ta-ter\:  Another name for Richard Spud   (  one of my
favorites)
Dilate              \:di-lat'\:  When a person lives longer
Dioxin             \di-ok'-sin\:  What you say before you kill a herd of
buffalo-like cattle
Doldrums       \dol'-drumz\:  Percussion instruments played by the
Presidential Candidate
                          from Kansas      (good one)
Dreadlocks      \dred'-lok\:  the fear of opening the deadbolt
				 Sent in by:Linda:  <BSF4@...>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK.....

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite

you.  That is the principal difference between a dog and a man.  --M.

Twain



It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find next

morning that it was someone else.



We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate

vacations -- we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage

together.  --R. Dangerfield



There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it

happens to everybody.



People call it take-home pay because there is no other place you can

afford to go with it.



If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a

nail.



Other employees would do no better than Congressmen, if the boss showed an

interest in them only once in two years.



If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.

				 Posted from" BTIMCA:  popu70@...
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

BTIMCA COMMENTARIES...(courtesy of Jim Moore Jr.)


BITS OF WISDOM

* If a thing goes without saying -- let it !

                                 - - - - -

* A psychiatrist in Roanoke recently reported that half

   of his patients went to him because they were married -- the other

   half because they weren't.

                                 - - - - -

*   I was showing my wife the high number of hits on my Web page

   and some of the "fan" letters I'd received containing compliments.

     She took it all in and then said, "Just remember -- the very

   same people who praised Jesus also crucified Him."

                                 - - - - -

* Speaking of Jesus (I was), we had a guest minister one time at our

   Church.  aking the pulpit, he said, "Today I've prepared a $50

   sermon, a $20 sermon and a $10 sermon.  We'll take the collection

   at this time to see which one the majority of you vote for."

                                 - - - - -

*   A young budding Junior Leaguer was discouraged because she had not

risen in the ranks at her company at all.  She sought the advice of a

female executive over lunch.

     "Well... Linda." the older and wiser gal said, "There are two

   good ways of making it to top here.  You can put your shoulder to the

   wheel, or put your head on the shoulder of the man at the wheel."

                                 - - - - -

*   A young marriage counselor, haggard with the troubles of his

   clients, got into the elevator with an elderly but highly spirited

   senior consultant.

     "How on earth do you remain so youthful and happy, sir ?" sighed

   the younger man, "Listening to all those unhappy people who end-up

   getting divorced most of the time anyway."

     The older man shrugged his shoulders, "Who listens ?"

						 ++++++++++++++++++++


SALESMEN

* Perfume saleslady to customer: "Just a word of advice.  Don't

   put this stuff on if you're not really serious about the guy."

                                 - - - - -

* Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest

   with their customers.  It's usually a condition of their parole.

                                 - - - - -

* Only a salesman can make a customer think he is really absorbed

   by a customer's needs and at the same time calculate how much of

   a commission he can make out of the deal.

                                 - - - - -

*   A woman was shopping in a computer discount store.  She was

   looking for a bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model. A salesman walked

   over and she asked why the obsolete models were all so expensive.

     He replied, "Well... all of those models are very scarce Miss,

   you're lucky we even have any in stock."

     "Scarce ???" she said, her voice rising. "Why just today the

   paper says all of the manufacturers have an overstock."

     "Exactly right." the salesman smiled. "There's such a big

   supply and so little demand, it doesn't pay to ship them."
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++



SEE THE USA

* Went to Philadelphia once.  It wasn't hard to see what they need

   most there -- a good detour to bypass the town entirely.

                                 - - - - -

* Every once in a while you hear about a real dry spell in California.  I

   always thought the stories exaggerated until I got a birthday card

   last week.  The stamp was attached with a staple.

                                 - - - - -

*   A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country.

   When he returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.

     "Frank" he replied, "have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van

   with those you thought you loved ?"

                                 - - - - -

* Any of you ever been to Las Vegas ?  Some hot-shot arrives in his

   private jet, puts on an outfit that costs 2 or 3 thousand dollars,

   works with 80 musicians, eight back-up singers, and opens his show

   with "I Gotta Be Me !"

                                 - - - - -

*   New Englanders are known for their dry wit and logic.  Once in

   Martha's Vineyard a hotel clerk asked me if I wanted a room with

   a shower or a tub.  I asked what the difference was.

     He replied, "Well sir, in a tub, you can sit down."

                                 - - - - -

*   A few years ago Juanita and I vacationed at a rather fancy

   hotel on Hilton Head Island, an ocean resort in South Carolina.

     After the bellboy carried the luggage up to our room, I found

   that I had nothing smaller than a hundred dollar bill, having

   chosen not to carry a lot of smaller bills en route.  I asked

   him if he had any change, so that I could properly tip.

     He replied, with a hint of scorn, "Mr Morris, HERE, a hundred

   dollar bill IS change."

							 +++++++++++++++++
See:  Matthew 18: 7-14.  For the Son of Man is come to save
that which was lost.

John Wesley once said, "To abandon all; to strip one's self of all, in order
to seek and follow Jesus, to Bethlehem where He was born, to the hall where He
was scourged, to Calvary where He died on the cross, is so great a mercy
toward us, that the blessing of salvation and redemption is given but through
faith in the Son of God."
Has your love for Jesus prevailed or has your up-bringing, or your education
impeded your walk with the Lord?  Have people shamed you because of your
devotion to Christ?  Or has your love for Him become so passionate that you
"love not even your own life?"

The Cross of Christ still stands on that hill, unique, alone and unchallenged.
Because of His cross, our cross becomes our divinely appointed privilege.  Our
cross is what is seen by the World as we conduct our daily lives in carrying
out the appointed will of God.
				 From: Jack at  USN58@...
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++


EXERCISE

* I woke up the other morning with a real desire to exercise --

   So I stayed in bed till the desire went away.

                                 - - - - -

* I walk everywhere for my health --

   but I never find it.

                                 - - - - -

* I may not jog or work out --

   but I'm a very brisk eater.

                                 - - - - -

* My wife has come up with a brand new exercise --

   she shops faster.

                                 - - - - -

* Somebody told me to try walking backwards for increased exercise.

   I put on eight pounds.

                                 - - - - -

* I even get exercise from magazines.  I bend over to pick up all

   those subscription cards that keep falling out.

                                 - - - - -

* I don't believe in jogging or working out at a gym.

   When I die, I want it to be from some illness.

                                 - - - - -

* My cardiologist says I have the body of a 35 year old.

   He even told me where the guy was buried.

                                 - - - - -

*   I was bragging to a neighbor the other day that I could still

   do everything I did when I was thirty.

Juanita spoke up and said, "Yeah.  And you should have seen

   what terrible shape he was in when he was thirty."

					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++
My wife complained about not being wanted,

so I went to the post office and put up her picture!

					 +++++++++++++++++++


My confidence rudely shaken in human nature

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to

rob the safe in a store.  On the safe door he was very pleased to

find a note reading:  "Please don't use dynamite.  The safe is not

locked.  Just turn the knob."



He did so.  Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire

premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard

moaning:  "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

			 Posted From:  Kitty's Daily Mews
					 ++++++++++++++++++++

What happened to 'beautiful'?
	 My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of

tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes

fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

	 Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

	 "What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

	 "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

God's car.
An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven.  Upon
entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car,
and asked St. Peter about it.  St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and
his car was on display.

Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once
again he inquired to St. Peter about it.  "Davey Allison is also in
heaven.  In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their
race cars get put on display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24
Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the
racing circuit.  At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked!
"Oh, No!  St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship
this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?!?

"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car.  He lets Jeff
use it on weekends."
				 Posted From: Eds jokelist
					 +++++++++++++++++++

DAFFYNITIONS:

Success: A successful man is one who makes more money than
          his  wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find
          such a man.

The Morning: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
              Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Money Management: A man is a person who will pay two dollars for
                   a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one
                   dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

Happiness: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot
            and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must
            love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage Expectations: A woman marries a man expecting he will
                        change, but he doesn't. A man marries a
                        woman expecting that she won't change and
                        she does.

Marriage Decisions: Men marry because they are tired. Women
                marry  because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

Marriage and the Future: A woman worries about the future until
                          she gets a husband. A man never worries
                          about the future until he gets a wife.

Memories: A woman will always cherish the memory of the man
                 who wanted to marry her. A man cherishes the memory
                 of the  woman who he didn't marry.

Understanding Women: There are two times when a man doesn't
                      understand a woman - before marriage and
                      after marriage.

What a Woman Wants: Only two things are necessary to keep
               one's  wife happy. One is to let her think she is
                     having her own way. The other is to let her
                     have it.

Mistakes: Any married man should forget his mistakes - it's no
           use for two people remembering the same thing.

Longevity: Married men live longer than single men, but married
            men are a lot more willing to die.

The Battle: A woman always has the last word in any argument.
             Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
             a new argument.
					 FROM: The Archives of Andychap
						 ++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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"The Funnies" Wednesday  11/18/98

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	 Shalom Always,
		 Andy

===========================================================
Click Here: <A HREF="http://www.ionet.net/~dgordons/crystal.htm">CRYSTAL TEARS
</A>
===========================================================
Sure is HOT down here:
	 A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel
room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer
Johnson,  at her address, JennJohn@....
	  Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail
ended up going to JeanJohn@..., a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the
wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried thatday.
	  The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly
fainted. it read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
				 From  Tony:  <<RevTonyAG@...>>
						 +++++++++++++++++++++

Partners Polemic
* Came home late the other nite.  The minute I hit the door,
   Mrs JimJr started shooting from the lip.

* Mrs JimJr and I have gotten sooooo good over the years at
   patching up our quarrels, they're just as good as new ones.

* Guess y'all heard about the deaf mute and his wife.  She was
   so angry, he couldn't get a finger in edgewise.

* In kung fu, you fight with your feet.  Big Deal.  I've been
   doing that for over thirty years.  When Mrs JimJr gets really
   upset with me, I run as fast as I can.

*   The wife was a little more furious than usual and said,
   "I should have listened to my Mother twenty years ago."
     "Go ahead..." shot back the husband. "It ain't too late.
   She's still babbling away."

*   A wife was berating her husband.  He motioned for her to
   quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
     The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women,
   'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."

*   Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss
   their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do
   anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
     "Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.
     "Oh !  Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at
   least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

 	  by:  Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@...> and Posted From:  UGA
							 +++++++++++++++++++++

You're not old UNLESS you can remember (I know this is a repeat I sent a
couple yeas ago but it's still really great.  There have been a few additions
to the list since then.)

*  Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
*  When Kool-Aid was the only other drink  for kids, other than
milk and sodas.
*  When there were two types of sneakers  for boys (Hi Top and Low top).
*  When boys couldn't wear anything  but leather shoes to school.
*  When it took five minutes for the TV  to warm up.
*  When all your friends (me included) got their hair cut  at the kitchen
table (and Dad put a bowl around our head for an edging pattern so my
neighborhood kids teased us four brothers!).
*  When nearly everyone's mom was at home  when the kids got there.
*  When nobody owned a pure*bred dog.
*  When a dime was a decent allowance,  and a quarter a huge bonus.
*  When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny (I still do).
*  When girls neither dated nor kissed  until late high school, if then.
*  When your mom wore nylons  that came in two pieces.
*  When all your teachers wore either neckties or  had their hair done,
and that was everyday, no exceptions.
*  When you got your windshield cleaned,  oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!
*  When laundry detergent had free glasses,  dishes or towels hidden
inside the box. (and we are still using them).
*  When any parent could discipline any kid,  or feed him, or use him to
carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
*  When it was considered a great privilege  to be taken out to dinner at a
real restaurant with your parents.
*  When they threatened to keep kids  back a grade if they failed...and did!
*  When being sent to the principal's office  was nothing compared to the
fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
*  When women were called,  "Mrs. John Smith,"  instead of their own name.

*****and the list could go on and I imagine it will.   By the time this is
returned to me I'll bet therell be a lot more interesting "MEMORIES" added
to this list.*****
								 ++++++++++++++++++++++

Following in MY footsteps?  Great!
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year-old daughter.  On the way to preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up
and began playing with it.  Be still,  my heart, thought my friend, my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke into the instrument:  "Welcome to McDonald's.  May
I take you order?"
				 By:Susan Dillon as Posted from UGA
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nothing but the Truth!
           David Casstevens of the Dallas Morning News tells a
   story about Frank Szymanski, a Notre Dame center in the
   1940s, who had been called as a witness in a civil suit at
   South Bend.
        "Are you on the Notre Dame football team this year?"
   the judge asked.
        "Yes, Your Honor."
        "What position?"
        "Center, Your Honor."
        "How good a center?"
        Szymanski squirmed in his seat, but said firmly: "Sir,
   I'm the best center Notre Dame has ever had."
        Coach Frank Leahy, who was in the courtroom, was
   surprised. Szymanski always had been modest and unassuming.
   So when the proceedings were over, he took Szymanski aside
   and asked why he had made such a statement. Szymanski
   blushed.
        "I hated to do it, Coach," he said. "But, after all, I
   was under oath."
  	 By David Casstevens from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty  Hansen
  								 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What I want in a Wife!
			 ( another that I did long ago but is worth the repeat.)
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook
intended for High School girls:
			 "How to prepare for married life."



1. Have dinner ready:  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal, on time.  This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.



2. Prepare yourself:  Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.



3. Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the

house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
paper, etc.  Then run a dust cloth over the tables.  You2 husband will feel
he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.


4. Prepare the children:  Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see
them playing the part.



5. Minimize the noise:  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of

washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to
be quiet.  Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad
to see him.



6. Some DON'TS:  Don't greet him with problems or complaints.  Don't
complain if he's late for dinner.  Count this as minor compared with what
he might have gone through that day.



7. Make him comfortable:  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
him.  Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.  Speak in a low,
soft, soothing and pleasant voice.  Allow him to relax and unwind.



8. Listen to him:  You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first.



9. Make the evening his:  Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.



10. The Goal:  Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.
 								 ++++++++++++++++++++

THOUGHTS:
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh,
you might as well laugh about it now.  - Marie Osmond

SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
*If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
*Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the
mute can speak.
*When you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
*What holds you together is far greater than what can tear you apart.
*Respect costs nothing. (Unless it's lost)
*Life is like a soap opera.  God is the head writer; your story line keeps
changing; it's a daily event; and there are Friday cliffhangers.
*When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so
long at the closed door that we do not see the one which had been opened
for us.
*Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
*Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.

RUMINATIONS
*I am the most anti-social person I know.  But of course, I don't know
anyone because I'm so anti-social. - Derek Neitzel

*Maybe tomorrow is actually the last day of the first part of my life. -
Michael McCuiston

*Graduation is a funny thing.  It probably helps that I went to clown
college, though. - Justin E. Kerner

*I bet that guy who learned everything he needed to know in kindergarten
feels pretty dumb paying his student loan every month. - Pat Perez

*I wonder if NASA thought the moon might be made of cheese before they
sent up the Apollo 11 crew.  Because if it was, it would have been really
bad if the astronauts were lactose intolerant. - Paul Paternoster

*If you stacked all the US currency together, you could probably reach
the moon, but I bet the Apollo program was still more economical.
- Larry Baum

*The first thing I do after opening a bar of Ivory soap is to scrape off
the .0056 part that's impure.  I mean, who wants to wash themselves
with that stuff? - Paul Paternoster

*Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on
earth. Does anybody want mine?  I certainly don't. - Chuck Bonner

*I read once that Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 17,000 words.  That's
pretty impressive, but I bet he used some of them twice. - Jeff Alexander

KEEP SMILING:( at my age?)
	 A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace."
	 The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
								 ++++++++++++++++
Compiled by: Richard G. Wimer Available Free by E-mail each weekday.
To SUBSCRIBE visit:
    <http://hub.xc.org/scripts/lyris.pl?enter=wit-wisdom&text_mode=0>
    or Send E-mail to: hub@...   Message: subscribe wit-wisdom
To submit material or contact list owner: E-mail: RichardWimer@...
You are welcome to share Wit & Wisdom as long as you do so without charge.
								 +++++++++++++++++

What's the Difference?
	 Charlie is eating at his friend Angelo's Italian restaurant. He says,
"Angelo, I just got back from Rome, and your lasagna is so much better
than Roman lasagna."
	 Angelo says, "It's the cheese. They use the domestic - I use the
imported."
							 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whaat did you say???? ehhhh?
	 Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a
  walk one fine March day.
 	 One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
 	 "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
 	 And the third man chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a coke."
						 ++++++++++++++++++

I'm Fine - How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me, 
I'm just as healthy as can be, 
I have arthritis in both knees, 
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. 
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, 
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. 

All my teeth have had to come out, 
And my diet I hate to think about. 
I'm overweight and I can't get thin, 
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. 

And arch supports I need for my feet. 
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street. 
Sleep is denied me night after night, 
But every morning I find I'm all right. 
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin. 
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. 

Old age is golden — I've heard it said, 
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. 
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, 
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up. 
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, 
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf? 

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has far-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits, 
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed. 

The moral of this as the tale unfolds, 
Is that for you and me, who are growing old. 
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
<<From:  Imsaved@...>>
							 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life Worth Saving
        A man risked his life by swimming through the
   treacherous riptide to save a youngster being swept out to
   sea. After the child recovered from the harrowing
   experience, he said to the man, "Thank you for saving my
   life."
        The man looked into the boy's eyes and said, "That's
   okay, kid. Just make sure your life was worth saving."
  						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
   By Author Unknown from More Sower's Seeds by Brian Cavanaugh
	 from A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul
     Copyright 1995 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
  						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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					 +++++++++++++++++++++

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     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Dear Friends:
I had a major computer crash that shut me down completely.  I had to replace
both the motherboard and hard drive.  That's why you haven't heard from me for
over a month.  Getting the warrantee work and the parts became the BIG
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I've been restoring software and my important files since I came up.  Will be
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for just a little longer and you'll be rewarded with "The Funnies" again.

Thanks to all of you and

Shalom

Dave "Andy" Anderson
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Dear Subscribers.  Please forgive such a poor copy of the funnies that I s=
ent
out this AM.  I aain have worked very hard to correc this so that you coul=
d
get good clean copies without all the extra digits and letters scattered
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ure
some will let me know as they did with the first copy.

Let me know as well if this is a good copy and thanks for understanding

Shalom Always,

Dave "Andy" Andeson
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
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"The Funnies" Monday  10/12/98

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about them. Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose =
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=09=09andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
   =09=09=09=09=09 send a blank e mail

=09Shalom Always,
=09=09Andy

=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
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Click Here: <A HREF=3D"http://www.ionet.net/~dgordons/crystal.htm">CRYSTAL=
  TEARS
</A>
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
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=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
Sure is HOT down here:
=09A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel
room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer
Johnson,  at her address, JennJohn@....
=09 Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail
ended up going to JeanJohn@..., a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the
wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried thatday.
=09 The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly
fainted. it read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
=09=09=09=09From  Tony:  <<RevTonyAG@...>>
=09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++

Partners Polemic
* Came home late the other nite.  The minute I hit the door,
   Mrs JimJr started shooting from the lip.

* Mrs JimJr and I have gotten sooooo good over the years at
   patching up our quarrels, they're just as good as new ones.

* Guess y'all heard about the deaf mute and his wife.  She was
   so angry, he couldn't get a finger in edgewise.

* In kung fu, you fight with your feet.  Big Deal.  I've been
   doing that for over thirty years.  When Mrs JimJr gets really
   upset with me, I run as fast as I can.

*   The wife was a little more furious than usual and said,
   "I should have listened to my Mother twenty years ago."
     "Go ahead..." shot back the husband. "It ain't too late.
   She's still babbling away."

*   A wife was berating her husband.  He motioned for her to
   quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
     The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women,
   'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."

*   Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss
   their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do
   anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
     "Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.
     "Oh !  Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at
   least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

  =09 by:  Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@...> and Posted From:  UGA
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++

You're not old UNLESS you can remember (I know this is a repeat I sent a
couple yeas ago but it's still really great.  There have been a few additi=
ons
to the list since then.)

*  Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
*  When Kool-Aid was the only other drink  for kids, other than
milk and sodas.
*  When there were two types of sneakers  for boys (Hi Top and Low top).
*  When boys couldn't wear anything  but leather shoes to school.
*  When it took five minutes for the TV  to warm up.
*  When all your friends (me included) got their hair cut  at the kitchen
table (and Dad put a bowl around our head for an edging pattern so my
neighborhood kids teased us four brothers!).
*  When nearly everyone's mom was at home  when the kids got there.
*  When nobody owned a pure*bred dog.
*  When a dime was a decent allowance,  and a quarter a huge bonus.
*  When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny (I still do).
*  When girls neither dated nor kissed  until late high school, if then.
*  When your mom wore nylons  that came in two pieces.
*  When all your teachers wore either neckties or  had their hair done,
and that was everyday, no exceptions.
*  When you got your windshield cleaned,  oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!
*  When laundry detergent had free glasses,  dishes or towels hidden
inside the box. (and we are still using them).
*  When any parent could discipline any kid,  or feed him, or use him to
carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
*  When it was considered a great privilege  to be taken out to dinner at =
a
real restaurant with your parents.
*  When they threatened to keep kids  back a grade if they failed...and di=
d!
*  When being sent to the principal's office  was nothing compared to the
fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
*  When women were called,  "Mrs. John Smith,"  instead of their own name.

*****and the list could go on and I imagine it will.   By the time this is=

returned to me I'll bet therell be a lot more interesting "MEMORIES" added=

to this list.*****
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++++

Following in MY footsteps?  Great!
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year-old daughter.  On the way to preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up
and began playing with it.  Be still,  my heart, thought my friend, my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke into the instrument:  "Welcome to McDonald's.  May
I take you order?"
=09=09=09=09By:Susan Dillon as Posted from UGA
=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nothing but the Truth!
           David Casstevens of the Dallas Morning News tells a
   story about Frank Szymanski, a Notre Dame center in the
   1940s, who had been called as a witness in a civil suit at
   South Bend.
        "Are you on the Notre Dame football team this year?"
   the judge asked.
        "Yes, Your Honor."
        "What position?"
        "Center, Your Honor."
        "How good a center?"
        Szymanski squirmed in his seat, but said firmly: "Sir,
   I'm the best center Notre Dame has ever had."
        Coach Frank Leahy, who was in the courtroom, was
   surprised. Szymanski always had been modest and unassuming.
   So when the proceedings were over, he took Szymanski aside
   and asked why he had made such a statement. Szymanski
   blushed.
        "I hated to do it, Coach," he said. "But, after all, I
   was under oath."
   =09By David Casstevens from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty  Hansen
   =09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What I want in a Wife!
=09=09=09( another that I did long ago but is worth the repeat.)
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook
intended for High School girls:
=09=09=09"How to prepare for married life."



1. Have dinner ready:  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal, on time.  This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.



2. Prepare yourself:  Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.



3. Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of th=
e

house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
paper, etc.  Then run a dust cloth over the tables.  Your husband will fee=
l
he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.


4. Prepare the children:  Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see
them playing the part.



5. Minimize the noise:  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of

washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to
be quiet.  Be happy to s%e him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad
to see him.



6. Some DON'TS:  Don't greet him with problems or complaints.  Don't
complain if he's late for dinner.  Count this as minor compared with what
he might have gone through that day.



7. Make him comfortable:  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
him.  Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.  Speak in a low,=

soft, soothing and pleasant voice.  Allow him to relax and unwind.



8. Listen to him:  You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first.



9. Make the evening his:  Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.



10. The Goal:  Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.
  =09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++

THOUGHTS:
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh,
you might as well laugh about it now.  - Marie Osmond

SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
*If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
*Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the
mute can speak.
*When you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
*What holds you together is far greater than what can tear you apart.
*Respect costs nothing. (Unless it's lost)
*Life is like a soap opera.  God is the head writer; your story line keeps
changing; it's a daily event; and there are Friday cliffhangers.
*When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so
long at the closed door that we do not see the one which had been opened
for us.
*Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
*Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.

RUMINATIONS
*I am the most anti-social person I know.  But of course, I don't know
anyone because I'm so anti-social. - Derek Neitzel

*Maybe tomorrow is actually the last day of the first part of my life. -
Michael McCuiston

*Graduation is a funny thing.  It probably helps that I went to clown
college, though. - Justin E. Kerner

*I bet that guy who learned everything he needed to know in kindergarten
feels pretty dumb paying his student loan every month. - Pat Perez

*I wonder if NASA thought the moon might be made of cheese before they
sent up the Apollo 11 crew.  Because if it was, it would have been really
bad if the astronauts were lactose intolerant. - Paul Paternoster

*If you stacked all the US currency together, you could probably reach
the moon, but I bet the Apollo program was still more economical.
- Larry Baum

*The first thing I do after opening a bar of Ivory soap is to scrape off
the .0056 part that's impure.  I mean, who wants to wash themselves
with that stuff? - Paul Paternoster

*Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on
earth. Does anybody want mine?  I certainly don't. - Chuck Bonner

*I read once that Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 17,000 words.  That's
pretty impressive, but I bet he used some of them twice. - Jeff Alexander

KEEP SMILING:( at my age?)
=09A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace."
=09The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++
Compiled by: Richard G. Wimer Available Free by E-mail each weekday.
To SUBSCRIBE visit:
    <http://hub.xc.org/scripts/lyris.pl?enter=3Dwit-wisdom&text_mode=3D0>
    or Send E-mail to: hub@...   Message: subscribe wit-wisdom
To submit material or contact list owner: E-mail: RichardWimer@...
You are welcome to share Wit & Wisdom as long as you do so without charge.
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++

What's the Difference?
=09Charlie is eating at his friend Angelo's Italian restaurant. He says,
"Angelo, I just got back from Rome, and your lasagna is so much better
than Roman lasagna."
=09Angelo says, "It's the cheese. They use the domestic - I use the
imported."
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whaat did you say???? ehhhh?
=09Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a
  walk one fine March day.
  =09One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
  =09"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
  =09And the third man chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a coke."
=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++

I'm Fine - How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me,=A0
I'm just as healthy as can be,=A0
I have arthritis in both knees,=A0
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.=A0
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,=A0
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.=A0

All my teeth have had to come out,=A0
And my diet I hate to think about.=A0
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,=A0
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.=A0

And arch supports I need for my feet.=A0
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.=A0
Sleep is denied me night after night,=A0
But every morning I find I'm all right.=A0
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.=A0
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.=A0

Old age is golden =97 I've heard it said,=A0
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.=A0
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,=A0
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.=A0
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,=A0
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?=A0

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has far-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,=A0
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.=A0

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,=A0
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.=A0
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
<<From:  Imsaved@...>>
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life Worth Saving
        A man risked his life by swimming through the
   treacherous riptide to save a youngster being swept out to
   sea. After the child recovered from the harrowing
   experience, he said to the man, "Thank you for saving my
   life."
        The man looked into the boy's eyes and said, "That's
   okay, kid. Just make sure your life was worth saving."
   =09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
   By Author Unknown from More Sower's Seeds by Brian Cavanaugh
=09from A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul
     Copyright 1995 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
   =09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF=3D"mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Re=
tro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

TO SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" send a blank e-mail to :
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CONTINUE to use my personal email address to contact me or to
contribute jokes:=09=09<A HREF=3D"mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@...=
m </A>
=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.

______________________________________________________________________

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at http://www.eGroups.com -- Free Web-based e-mail groups.

"The Funnies" Monday  10/12/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on or forward them  Tell someo=
ne
about them. Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose =
of
"The Funnies"  by addressing and sending an e-mail to the following addres=
s:

=09=09andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
   =09=09=09=09=09 send a blank e mail

=09Shalom Always,
=09=09Andy

=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
Click Here: <A HREF=3D"http://www.ionet.net/~dgordons/crystal.htm">CRYSTAL=
  TEARS
</A>
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
Sure is HOT down here:
=09A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel
room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer
Johnson,  at her address, JennJohn@....
=09 Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail
ended up going to JeanJohn@..., a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the
wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried thatday.
=09 The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly
fainted. it read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
=09=09=09=09From  Tony:  <<RevTonyAG@...>>
=09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++

Partners Polemic
* Came home late the other nite.  The minute I hit the door,
   Mrs JimJr started shooting from the lip.

* Mrs JimJr and I have gotten sooooo good over the years at
   patching up our quarrels, they're just as good as new ones.

* Guess y'all heard about the deaf mute and his wife.  She was
   so angry, he couldn't get a finger in edgewise.

* In kung fu, you fight with your feet.  Big Deal.  I've been
   doing that for over thirty years.  When Mrs JimJr gets really
   upset with me, I run as fast as I can.

*   The wife was a little more furious than usual and said,
   "I should have listened to my Mother twenty years ago."
     "Go ahead..." shot back the husband. "It ain't too late.
   She's still babbling away."

*   A wife was berating her husband.  He motioned for her to
   quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
     The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women,
   'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."

*   Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss
   their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do
   anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
     "Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.
     "Oh !  Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at
   least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

  =09 by:  Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@...> and Posted From:  UGA
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++

You're not old UNLESS you can remember (I know this is a repeat I sent a
couple yeas ago but it's still really great.  There have been a few additi=
ons
to the list since then.)

*  Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
*  When Kool-Aid was the only other drink  for kids, other than
milk and sodas.
*  When there were two types of sneakers  for boys (Hi Top and Low top).
*  When boys couldn't wear anything  but leather shoes to school.
*  When it took five minutes for the TV  to warm up.
*  When all your friends (me included) got their hair cut  at the kitchen
table (and Dad put a bowl around our head for an edging pattern so my
neighborhood kids teased us four brothers!).
*  When nearly everyone's mom was at home  when the kids got there.
*  When nobody owned a pure*bred dog.
*  When a dime was a decent allowance,  and a quarter a huge bonus.
*  When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny (I still do).
*  When girls neither dated nor kissed  until late high school, if then.
*  When your mom wore nylons  that came in two pieces.
*  When all your teachers wore either neckties or  had their hair done,
and that was everyday, no exceptions.
*  When you got your windshield cleaned,  oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!
*  When laundry detergent had free glasses,  dishes or towels hidden
inside the box. (and we are still using them).
*  When any parent could discipline any kid,  or feed him, or use him to
carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
*  When it was considered a great privilege  to be taken out to dinner at =
a
real restaurant with your parents.
*  When they threatened to keep kids  back a grade if they failed...and di=
d!
*  When being sent to the principal's office  was nothing compared to the
fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
*  When women were called,  "Mrs. John Smith,"  instead of their own name.

*****and the list could go on and I imagine it will.   By the time this is=

returned to me I'll bet therell be a lot more interesting "MEMORIES" added=

to this list.*****
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++++

Following in MY footsteps?  Great!
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year-old daughter.  On the way to preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up
and began playing with it.  Be still,  my heart, thought my friend, my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke into the instrument:  "Welcome to McDonald's.  May
I take you order?"
=09=09=09=09By:Susan Dillon as Posted from UGA
=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nothing but the Truth!
           David Casstevens of the Dallas Morning News tells a
   story about Frank Szymanski, a Notre Dame center in the
   1940s, who had been called as a witness in a civil suit at
   South Bend.
        "Are you on the Notre Dame football team this year?"
   the judge asked.
        "Yes, Your Honor."
        "What position?"
        "Center, Your Honor."
        "How good a center?"
        Szymanski squirmed in his seat, but said firmly: "Sir,
   I'm the best center Notre Dame has ever had."
        Coach Frank Leahy, who was in the courtroom, was
   surprised. Szymanski always had been modest and unassuming.
   So when the proceedings were over, he took Szymanski aside
   and asked why he had made such a statement. Szymanski
   blushed.
        "I hated to do it, Coach," he said. "But, after all, I
   was under oath."
   =09By David Casstevens from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty  Hansen
   =09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What I want in a Wife!
=09=09=09( another that I did long ago but is worth the repeat.)
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook
intended for High School girls:
=09=09=09"How to prepare for married life."



1. Have dinner ready:  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal, on time.  This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.



2. Prepare yourself:  Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.



3. Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of th=
e

house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
paper, etc.  Then run a dust cloth over the tables.  Your husband will fee=
l
he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.


4. Prepare the children:  Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see
them playing the part.



5. Minimize the noise:  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of

washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to
be quiet.  Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad
to see him.



6. Some DON'TS:  Don't greet him with problems or complaints.  Don't
complain if he's late for dinner.  Count this as minor compared with what
he might have gone through that day.



7. Make him comfortable:  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
him.  Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.  Speak in a low,=

soft, soothing and pleasant voice.  Allow him to relax and unwind.



8. Listen to him:  You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first.



9. Make the evening his:  Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.



10. The Goal:  Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.
  =09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++

THOUGHTS:
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh,
you might as well laugh about it now.  - Marie Osmond

SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
*If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
*Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the
mute can speak.
*When you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
*What holds you together is far greater than what can tear you apart.
*Respect costs nothing. (Unless it's lost)
*Life is like a soap opera.  God is the head writer; your story line keeps
changing; it's a daily event; and there are Friday cliffhangers.
*When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so
long at the closed door that we do not see the one which had been opened
for us.
*Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
*Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.

RUMINATIONS
*I am the most anti-social person I know.  But of course, I don't know
anyone because I'm so anti-social. - Derek Neitzel

*Maybe tomorrow is actually the last day of the first part of my life. -
Michael McCuiston

*Graduation is a funny thing.  It probably helps that I went to clown
college, though. - Justin E. Kerner

*I bet that guy who learned everything he needed to know in kindergarten
feels pretty dumb paying his student loan every month. - Pat Perez

*I wonder if NASA thought the moon might be made of cheese before they
sent up the Apollo 11 crew.  Because if it was, it would have been really
bad if the astronauts were lactose intolerant. - Paul Paternoster

*If you stacked all the US currency together, you could probably reach
the moon, but I bet the Apollo program was still more economical.
- Larry Baum

*The first thing I do after opening a bar of Ivory soap is to scrape off
the .0056 part that's impure.  I mean, who wants to wash themselves
with that stuff? - Paul Paternoster

*Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on
earth. Does anybody want mine?  I certainly don't. - Chuck Bonner

*I read once that Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 17,000 words.  That's
pretty impressive, but I bet he used some of them twice. - Jeff Alexander

KEEP SMILING:( at my age?)
=09A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace."
=09The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++
Compiled by: Richard G. Wimer Available Free by E-mail each weekday.
To SUBSCRIBE visit:
    <http://hub.xc.org/scripts/lyris.pl?enter=3Dwit-wisdom&text_mode=3D0>
    or Send E-mail to: hub@...   Message: subscribe wit-wisdom
To submit material or contact list owner: E-mail: RichardWimer@...
You are welcome to share Wit & Wisdom as long as you do so without charge.
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++

What's the Difference?
=09Charlie is eating at his friend Angelo's Italian restaurant. He says,
"Angelo, I just got back from Rome, and your lasagna is so much better
than Roman lasagna."
=09Angelo says, "It's the cheese. They use the domestic - I use the
imported."
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whaat did you say???? ehhhh?
=09Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a
  walk one fine March day.
  =09One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
  =09"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
  =09And the third man chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a coke."
=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++

I'm Fine - How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me,=A0
I'm just as healthy as can be,=A0
I have arthritis in both knees,=A0
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.=A0
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,=A0
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.=A0

All my teeth have had to come out,=A0
And my diet I hate to think about.=A0
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,=A0
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.=A0

And arch supports I need for my feet.=A0
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.=A0
Sleep is denied me night after night,=A0
But every morning I find I'm all right.=A0
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.=A0
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.=A0

Old age is golden =97 I've heard it said,=A0
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.=A0
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,=A0
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.=A0
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,=A0
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?=A0

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has far-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,=A0
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.=A0

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,=A0
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.=A0
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
<<From:  Imsaved@...>>
=09=09=09=09=09=09=09++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life Worth Saving
        A man risked his life by swimming through the
   treacherous riptide to save a youngster being swept out to
   sea. After the child recovered from the harrowing
   experience, he said to the man, "Thank you for saving my
   life."
        The man looked into the boy's eyes and said, "That's
   okay, kid. Just make sure your life was worth saving."
   =09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
   By Author Unknown from More Sower's Seeds by Brian Cavanaugh
=09from A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul
     Copyright 1995 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
   =09=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF=3D"mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Re=
tro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

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CONTINUE to use my personal email address to contact me or to
contribute jokes:=09=09<A HREF=3D"mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@...=
m </A>
=09=09=09=09=09+++++++++++++++++++++

  Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
     Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
                        I value your privacy as I do Mine.

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"The Funnies"  Thurdady  10/9/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies", pass them on.  Tell someone about them.
Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of "The Funnies"
by sending a letter  to the following address:
		 andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
  					  send a blank e mail
=============================================================
Dear Friends and Subscribers to "The Funnies"
	 I probably owe thousands of apologies for what I had hoped would be something
that would go smoothely and without any glitches....The transitions from me
doing the list managing of "the Funnies" to using a list server.  So far it
seems that I have created a nightmare, yet am confident that the "bugs" will
be all worked out of this by the first of next week.

	 As of this morning, your names still havn't been added by the
List server (the ones I manually sent to them) so like yesterday,
I will send an abbreviated letter and manually (like I used to)
address and mail them to you.

	 I manually added each name that I had on my existing list to my new server.
When I add in bulk like that it takes the server 24 hours to put the names
into my mailing list.  This was a very time consuming task for me, but I
wanted each of you to be able to get "The Funnies" and not get lost off the
new list.

	 Here's the kicker!  Because of this (and please bear with me in this
transition for a few more days) some of you will more than likely get
cuplicate copies of "the Funnies"...at least untill the list server is totally
in place and running up to speed.
Please DELETE the duplicate issue. (I promise the "Deletion Police" will nopt
arrest you for this CRIME!  LOL!)

	 I truly apologize for any and all inconveniences that this has caused and is
causing for you.  I want you to know too that I love and value each member of
"the Funnies".

	 Shalom Always

	 Dave "Andy" Anderson

						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And now let's laugh together........

Think About This!
**When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If  it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.

**The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement

**Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive anyway.

**One good turn gets most of the blankets.

**There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

**If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the
fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?

**A closed mouth gathers no feet.

**Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

**It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

**Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

**Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

**The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

**Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

**Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$
					 Posted From:  UGA
					 ++++++++++++++++++
THOUGHTS:
*Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to
be done, regardless of the consequences. - Author Unknown

*"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test
first, the lesson afterwards."     - Vernon Sanders Law

*The world is your classroom!
						 +++++++++++++++++++
SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
To often we treat our faith as one more item on our 'To Do' list.  But if
Christianity is true, it must be the central framework for everything we do.
It is a grid that overlays all of life. -  Chuck Colson
						 +++++++++++++++++++++

Translating the "Jargon" in Vacations Brochures

TOUR GUIDE TERM .....and the......TRANSLATION

Old world charm ...........No bath
Tropical ..................Rainy
Majestic setting ..........A long way from town
Options galore ............Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway .........Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ......Already occupied
Explore on your own .......Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts ..They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees .............No extras
Nominal fee ...............Outrageous charge
Standard ..................Sub-standard
Deluxe ....................Standard
Superior ..................One free shower cap
All the amenities .........Two free shower caps
Plush .....................Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes ............Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ............No air conditioning
Picturesque ...............Theme park nearby
Open bar ..................Free ice cubes

A Shorty!
As the X-Ray tech walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows   with a
former patient, a co-worker Nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her,
"Wonder what she saw in him?

TRIVIA:
No one is immune from making foolish statements.  One of France's
greatest thinkers, Voltaire, once said that in 100 years the Bible would
be a forgotten book, found only in museums.  When the 100 years were up,
Voltaire's home was occupied by the Geneva Bible Society.  Bits & Pieces,
				 Posted From:  Wit and Wisdom
Compiled by: Richard G. WimerAvailable Free by E-mail each weekday.
					 To SUBSCRIBE Send E-mail to:
			 hub@...   Message: subscribe wit-wisdom
						 ++++++++++++++++++++

All In A Preacher's Day
	 While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited.
	 A contrite-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a large
pig on a rope. . "Can I talk to you for a minute?" asked the man with his hat
in his hand. Wordlessly, the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down
in it gingerly. The pig proceeded to sniff around the office. With one eye on
the animal and one on the man, the pastor folded his hands on his desk and
leaned forward, curious to hear the fellow's story. "What can I do for you?"
	 "My family is hungry," started the man. "So I stole this pig. But I feel
that I have sinned. Would you please take it?"
	 "Certainly not," said the minister.
	 "Then what should I do with it?" asked the man.
	 "Give it back to the man you stole it from, of course!" the pastor
explained.
	 "I offered it to him, but he refused to take it. Now what should I do?"
	 "In that case," the minister said, "It would be all right for you to keep
it and feed your family."
	 That seemed to settle things as far as the man was concerned. "Thank
you for your help, sir." With a lighter step, he walked out of the office,
leading the pig on the rope behind him.
	 It was only later that afternoon when the minister returned home, that
he discovered that somebody had stolen his prize pig!
			 Posted from: Richard Wimer's Wit & Wisdom.
							 To SUBSCRIBE visit:
http://hub.xc.org/scripts/lyris.pl?enter=wit-wisdom&text_mode=0
or Send E-mail to: hub@... Message: subscribe wit-wisdom
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

What's Wrong With This picture?
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? "I'm four and a half"
You're never 36 and a half. . . but you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You
jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be
12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens... you become 21. Even the
words sound like a ceremony. . . you 'become' 21. . . "Yes!"

But then you turn 30. . . ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like
bad milk. . . He turned, so we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong? What changed? You 'become' 21, you 'turn' 30, then you're
'pushing' 40. . . stay over there, it's all slipping away. . .Then you 'reach'
50  and 'make it' to 60. . . (You didn't think you'd make it!)

So you become 21, you turn 30, you're pushing 40, you reach 50, you make it
to 60. . . then you build up so much speed you hit 70!

And after that, it's a day by day thing. From there you hit Wednesday, then
Thursday. You get into your 80's, you hit lunchtime. You turn 4:30. My
grandmother won't even buy green bananas. (It's an investment you know, and
maybe a bad one.)

And it doesn't end there. . . into the 90's you start going backwards. "I
was just 92."

Finally a strange thing happens: If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again and say, "I'm 100 and a half."
				 Posted from: The Tidbits Devotional
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
Check This Out!
Dear Friends and Subscribers of "The Funnies".  The Above and Folowing was
posted from a great friend of mine, Bill Champion who sends out a Free
Devotional/inspirational letter.  I can really reccomend hime to you.  to
Subscribe to his letter which is called "The Tidbit Devotional"  send an e-
mail to:  Majordomo@...
with   SUBSCRIBE TIDBITS   in the BODY
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Listening to The Lord
Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow. Bobby
didn't wear boots; he didn't like them and anyway he didn't own any.
The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a poor
job of keeping out the cold.

Bobby had been in his backyard for about an hour already. And, try as
he might, he could not come up with an idea for his mother's Christmas
gift. He shook his head as he thought, "This is useless, even if I do
come up with an idea, I don't have any money to spend."

Ever since his father had passed away three years ago, the family of five
had struggled. It wasn't because his mother didn't care, or try, there just
never seemed to be enough. She worked nights at the hospital, but the
small wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far.

What the family lacked in money and material things, they more than made
up for in love and family unity. Bobby had two older and one younger sister,
who ran the household in their mother's absence.

All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their mother.
Somehow it just wasn't fair. Here it was Christmas Eve already, and he
had nothing.

Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and started to walk
down to the street where the shops and stores were. It wasn't easy being
six without a father, especially when he needed a man to talk to.

Bobby walked from shop to shop, looking into each decorated window.
Everything seemed so beautiful and so out of reach. It was starting to
get dark and Bobby reluctantly turned to walk home when suddenly his
eyes caught the glimmer of the setting sun's rays reflecting off of something
along the curb. He reached down and discovered a shiny dime.

Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at that moment.
As he held his new found treasure, a warmth spread throughout his entire
body and he walked into the first store he saw. His excitement quickly turned
cold when salesperson after salesperson told him that he could not buy
anything with only a dime.

He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line. When the shop owner
asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the dime and asked if he could
buy one flower for his mother's Christmas gift. The shop owner looked at
Bobby and his ten cent offering. Then he put his hand on Bobby's shoulder
and said to him, "You just wait here and I'll see what I can do for you."

As Bobby waited, he looked at the beautiful flowers and even though he was a
boy,he could see why mothers and girls liked flowers.

The sound of the door closing as the last customer left, jolted Bobby back to
reality. All alone in the shop, Bobby began to feel alone and afraid.

Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to the counter. There, before
Bobby's eyes, lay twelve long stem, red roses, with leaves of green and tiny
white flowers all tied together with a big silver bow. Bobby's heart sank as
the owner picked them up and placed them gently into a long white box.

"That will be ten cents young man." the shop owner said reaching out his
hand for the dime. Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime.
Could this be true?No one else would give him a thing for his dime! Sensing
the boy's reluctance, the shop owner added, "I just happened to have some
roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you like them?"

This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed the long box into
his hands, he knew it was true. Walking out the door that the owner was
holding

for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say, "Merry Christmas, son."

As he returned inside, the shop keepers wife walked out. "Who were you
talking
to back there and where are the roses you were fixing?"

Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from his own eyes, he replied,
"A strange thing happened to me this morning. While I was setting up things
to
open the shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a dozen of
my
best roses for a special gift. I wasn't sure at the time whether I had lost
my
mind or what, but I set them aside anyway. Then just a few minutes ago, a
little boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his mother with
one small dime.

When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too was a poor boy with
nothing to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I never knew,
stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted to give me ten dollars.

When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew who that voice was, and I
put together a dozen of my very best roses."

The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly, and as they stepped
out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn't feel cold at all.

As posted in LacyDay's "Share For Today". To subscribe, e-mail her
at:  LacyDay@...
								 ++++++++++++++++++

Blonds At The Ofise   <offensive to you know who>

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes
about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress
and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is
talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way
to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about
hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this
pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes
as much as blond jokes and every so often a red hed joke. If we
don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and
we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise
					 +++++++++++++++++++++++


______________________________________________________________________

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"The Funnies" Admin Note Plus.  Wednesday 10/7/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies", pass them on.  Tell someone about them.
Tell them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of "The Funnies"
by sending a letter  to the following address:
		 andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
  					  send a blank e mail
=============================================================
Dear Friends and Subscribers to "The Funnies"
	 I probably owe thousands of apologies for what I had hoped would be something
that would go smoothely and without any glitches....The transitions from me
doing the list managing of "the Funnies" to using a list server.  So far it
seems that I have created a nightmare, yet am confident that the "bugs" will
be all worked out of this by the first of next week.

	 I tried having each of the subscribers resubscribe to the new list but that
didn't work for most for one reason or another....and I understand that.

	 Therefore, I added manually each name that I had on my existing list to my
new server.  When I add in bulk like that it takes the server 24 hours to put
the names into my mailing list.  This was a very time consuming task for me,
but I wanted each of you to be able to get "The Funnies" and not get lost off
the new list.

	 Here's the kicker!  Because of this (and please bear with me in this
transition for a few more days) some of you will more than likely get
cuplicate copies of "the Funnies"...at least untill the list server is totally
in place and running up to speed.

	 I truly apologize for any and all inconveniences that this has caused and is
causing for you.  I want you to know too that I love and value each member of
"the Funnies".

	 Shalom Always

	 Dave "Andy" Anderson
=============================================================

PRICELESS GIFTS

  1. The gift of listening...
  Try giving this to someone in need.
And you must really listen.  No interrupting,
  no daydreaming, no planning your responses.  Just listen.

  2. The gift of signs of affection...
  Be generous with your hugs, kisses and
gentle squeezes of the hand.  Let these
  tiny actions demonstrate the love inside of you.

  3. The gift of a note...
  It can be as simple as "I Love You" or
as creative as a sonnet.  Put your notes
where they will surprise your loved ones.

  4.  The gift of laughter...
  Just cut out a cartoon, save a clever article.
  Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

  5.  The gift of compliment...
  A simple "You look good in blue" or "Good supper"
can be of greatest value to those who
may feel they are being taken for granted.

  6.  The gift of a favor...
  Help with the dishes, run an errand, etc.

  7.  The gift of leaving alone...
  There are times in our lives when we
want nothing better than to be left alone.
  Become more sensitive to those times and give solitude.

  8.  The gift of a cheerful disposition...
  Try to be cheerful around those you love.

  9.  The gift of a game...
  Offer to play your loved one's favorite game.
  Even if you lose, you'll be a winner.

  10.  The gift of prayer...
  Pray for your loved ones and
let them know you pray for them.
		 Sent in by: Annette <<BeNicePlez@...>>
					 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.
______________________________________________________________________

Subscribe, unsubscribe, opt for a daily digest, or start a new e-group
at http://www.eGroups.com -- Free Web-based e-mail groups.

"The Funnies" Tuesday  10/6/98  Administrative Note

Dear Friends and Subscribers to "The Funnies"

That time has finally come!  I have finally signed on with a list
server/manager to help me with my mailing list.  I am going to ask you to re-
subscribe to "The Funnies" by following these simple instructions:

To Subscribe to "The Funnies".....A Free humorLetter...

Copy and Paste the address listed below and follow the directions that come
back to you!   So, to subscribe...Just send a blank e mail to:

		 andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com

	 If that does't work for you, Just send me an e mail stating that and I will
then manually add you to my list.  Send it to  Andychap@...  and tell me
you were unable to do the new automated subscribe method.  This new method is
really easy and should not create any problems for you.

	 I can always be contacted for any personal mail, messages and contributions
to "The Funnies" at the old address ... Andychap@...  That has not changed
Just the method of subscribing and unsubscribing,  And remember, if al else
fails, PLEASE contact me at: Andychap@...
	 All this has come about due to the fast growth of this HumorLetter "the
Funnies" where I have had to sign on with a list manager/server, and that is
good!

	 Remember, Your Address is and always shall remain confidential.  I will not
sell or give away addresses.  Any advertisments that come with this letter is
the reason that I get free service, so please endure them and put up with them
as I must.

During this transition, some of youBDyer10369 may get duplicate copies of "The
Funnies".  I apologize for that.  If you would please write me and tell me
that you are getting duplicate copies, I will fix it so that you will only get
the one copy.

Shalom Always

Andy
=====================================================
And----now on with the humor------
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++
COLLECTION OF FUNNIES ..... from Sculpt2 Posted From:  HFTE

"Inflation is creeping up," a young man said to his friend,  "Yesterday I
ordered a $25.00 steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my American
Express card ... and  it fit.
							 ++++++++++++++++
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the
personnel director's  office.  "What is the meaning of this?" the director
asked.  "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years
experience.  Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted
somebody with imagination."
							 ++++++++++++++++++++
Bumper sticker for Hypocondriacs: "I'd Rater Be Ailing."
							 +++++++++++++++++++
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teen-ager in the hall, "do you mind telling
me whose class you're cutting this time?"'Like," the young teen replied, "uh,
see, okay,like it's like I really don't like think like that's really
important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of
it."
"It's Mrs Dulls English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
							 ++++++++++++++++++
Behind every great man is his mother:
Mrs Morse: "Sam, stop tapping your fingers on the table---it's driving
me crazy!"
Mrs Lindbergh: "Charles, can't you do anything by yourself?"
Mrs Washington: "George never did have a head for money."
Mrs Armstrong: "Neil has no more business taking flying lessons than the
man in the moon."
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
QUIPS & QUOTES
**Collaboration, n.:  A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.

**"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse
to see it tried on him personally."
Abraham Lincoln

**"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
Albert Einstein

**"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case,
I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
Woody Allen

**A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

**"Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art."
Charles McCabe

**Hlade's Law:  If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person.
They will find an easier way to do it.

**Taxes, n.:  Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can
get an extension.

**At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you
will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming
it on the computer.

**There are three ways to get something done:
     1. Do it yourself.
     2. Hire someone to do it for you.
     3. Forbid your kids to do it.

**A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as
well as afterward.

**"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost
deserved it." C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
					 Posted From:  Mikey's Funnies
							 ++++++++++++++++++
Hey Doc.---What Does It Mean?
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got

to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The

other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed

I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche.

What does this mean?"

	 "Relax," says the doctor, . .

		 "You're just having an auto-body experience."

						 Posted From Kitty's Daily Mews
							 ++++++++++++++++++++++
I've Seen it Before
	 Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little
mirror, looks in it, again, and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend,
"I just know I've seen this face before!"
	 "Give it to me", says the other blonde. She looks in the mirror and
says, "Of course, you silly! It's me!!"
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well....Why isn't it then"?
	 A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
	 "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"
	 He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."
	 "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
					 Posted From Ed's Humor
							 ++++++++++++++
Whatcha Looking For?
A man is walking late at night and comes across a blonde who is standing
under a street light, looking intently down at the street. He says to the
blonde, "What are you looking for?"
    "My keys," says the blonde.
    "Where did you lose them?"
    "Over there"
    "Why are you looking here?"
    "The light is better."
				 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don't
already have everything you desire.
  If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
  Be thankful when you don't
know everything,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
  Be thankful for the difficult times.
  During those times you grow.
  Be thankful for your limitations,
  because they give you opportunities for improvement.
  Be thankful for each new challenge
because it will build your strength and character.
  Be thankful for your mistakes.
  They will teach you valuable lessons.
  Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

  It's easy to be thankful for the good things.  A life of rich fulfillment
comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks. Gratitude can turn a
negative into a positive.  Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and
they can become your blessings.  (Ralph Marston)
					 Sent in by:  Annette--BeNicePles@...
++++++++++++++++++++
Signs of the Times
**SIGN SEEN IN THE WINDOW OF A TRAVEL AGENCY:
          "Please go away."

**SIGN SEEN IN THE WINDOW OF A HEALTH FOOD STORE:
          "Closed due to illness."

**SIGN IN THE WAITING ROOM OF A VETERINARIAN:
          "Be back in five minutes. Sit. Stay."

**SIGN SEEN ON A SECRETARY'S DESK #1:
          "If you'll just state your business and go away
quietly, no one will get hurt."

**SIGN SEEN ON A SECRETARY'S DESK #2:
          "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute
an emergency on my part."
 							 +++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.

______________________________________________________________________

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"The Funnies"  Monday  10/5/98

If you are enjoying "The Funnies" pass them on.  Tell someone about them. Tell
them they too can be a subscriber and enjoy a Daily Dose of "The Funnies"  by
sending a letter  to:
		 andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
  					 and send a blank e mail

	 Blessing upon you all,
		 Andy

I can always be contacted for any personal mail, messages and contributions to
"The Funnies" at the old address ... Andychap@...  That has not changed
Just the method of subscribing and unsubscribing,  And remember, if al else
fails, PLEASE contact me at: Andychap@...

All this has come about due to the fast growth of this HumorLetter "the
Funnies" where I have had to sign on with a list manager/server, and that is
good!

Remember, Your Address is and always shall remain confidential.  I will not
sell or give away addresses.  Any advertisments that come with this letter is
the reason that I get free service, so please endure them and put up with them
as I must.

Shalom Always

Andy
=====================================================

Q:  How can you make God laugh?
A:  Tell Him your plans for the future.

**The failure is only a successful person
                 who never learned how to keep trying.
                               - Unknown -

**"Things past belong to memory alone;
			 Things future are the property of hope."
					 ~~John Home

**If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right
to talk?
						 <<KDM>>

**"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of
all possible worlds and the pessimist fears that this is true."
   					 James Branch Cabell

**A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she
dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to
be quiet in  church?"

	 Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are
sleeping!"

**This little anecdote from the July/August 1998 issue of
<A HREF="aol://4344:122.crcurr.1245612.472076671">Christian Reader</A> speaks
of a different kind of clergy "appreciation":

My three-year-old granddaughter, Rebecca, had been well-behaved throughout the
morning service at New Bethel Baptist Church in Harrison, Tennessee--until the
pastor began his long closing prayer. With no end of the prayer in sight,
Rebecca stood up on the family
pew and said loudly, "Amen, Preacher, Amen!"

The congregation erupted in laughter as the pastor stopped. Then
in a somber voice, the pastor continued, "Dear Lord, your message
has been well-received and a child has led them. Amen and Amen."
							 +++++++++++++++++++++++

Lost in the Translation:
	 An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening

service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the

man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled

"Stop, Acts 2:38".

	 The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when

she yelled again "Stop, Acts 2:38".

	 Well, this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman

calmly called the Police and explained what she had done. As the

Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him "Why did you

just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."

	 "Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said
she had an  Axe and two 38s."

				 Posted From:  Kitty's Daily Mews
						 ++++++++++++++++++

More Lost in the Translation!
	 Pepe Rodriguez, one of the most notorious bank robbers in the early
settling of the West, lived just across the border in Mexico. He
regularly
crept into Texas towns to rob banks, returning to Mexico before the
Texas Rangers could catch him.
	 The frustrated lawmen were so embarrassed by this that they illegally
crossed the border into Mexico. Eventually, they cornered Pepe in a
Mexican bar that he frequented. Unfortunately, Pepe couldn't speak any
English, so the lawmen asked the bartender to translate for them. The
bartender explained to Pepe who these men were, and Pepe began to
shake with fear. The Texas Rangers, with their guns drawn, told the
bartender to ask Pepe where he had hidden all the money he had stolen
from the Texas banks. "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the
money is right now, we're going to shoot him dead on the spot!"
	 The bartender translated all this for Pepe. Immediately, Pepe
explained in Spanish that the money was hidden in the town well. They
could find the money by counting down seventeen stones from the handle,
and behind the seventeenth stone was all the loot he had stolen.
	 The bartender then turned to the Rangers and said in English, "Pepe
is a very brave man. He says that you are a bunch of stinking pigs, and he
is not afraid to die!"
 	 Things sometimes get lost in the translation. Much of what we read
and hear and watch is secondhand information that may or may not be true.
	 We need to make sure that we are not only getting the truth, but also
communicating the truth to others.
 	  Edited from Hot Illustrations for Youth Talks by Wayne Rice.
				 Copyright 1994 by Youth Specialties, Inc.
			  Sent in by: Lynn Anderson  <<Lander1316@...>>
 						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SOMEONE'S gonna be in BIG trouble!
	     A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees
  about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.  He dialed the
  employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered
  voice on the first ring, "Hello?"
 	    "Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes", whispered the
  small voice.  May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat
  put-off by this delay.  To the surprise of the boss, the small voice
  whispered, "No."
 	    Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
  there?"  "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"  Again the
  small voice whispered, "No."
 	     "Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently
  asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
 	     Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
  boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"  "No, he's busy",
  whispered the child.  "Busy doing what?" asked the boss.  "Talking to
  Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
 	    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
  helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
  that noise?"  "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.  "What
  is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.  In an awed voice
  the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!"
 	     Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
  asked, "Why are they there?"
 	    After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low
  whisper, "They're looking for me!"
                  - Sent by laughalot-owner@...
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++++

I want to know, when day is done,
That life has been worth living-
That I have brought somebody joy
Through kind unselfish living.

I want to feel, when evening falls
and shadows quickly lenghthen,
That I have made somebody glad,
Some weakness I have strengthened.

I want to know, that come what may
I've left some cheer and gladness;
I want to feel, at close of day
I've banished someone's sadness.

I want to feel at close of day,
That someone's cares were lighter;
Because of kindness I have done,
May someone's life be brighter.

					 Sent in by:  Angie  <<Nnrivera@...
							 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Soooooo....You want to have kids, ehh??

* In the old days, discipline for the kids was easy.  You just bopped
   them at least once every day. If you didn't know why, they did.

* I've found children to be a great comfort in your declining years.
    good thing too -- they "declined" ya faster in the first place.

* The young Mother, tired of all the loud noise, tells her son to go
   outside and play with his friends.  "I only have one friend." he
   retorts, "and I HATE him !"

* The paper here today sez that 1 out of every 35 adults in the US
   is either in jail or on probation/parole.  Let's stop crime at the
   source -- join Planned Parenthood TODAY !
					 (Prevent not abort, that is!)

* The little girl had just finished her very first soccer match & her
   Mother asked her how she liked the sport. "It's OK, I guess." she
   replied.  "But it'd be a lot more fun if the other team learned how
   to share better."

* To any of you out there who've yet to have children.  If you're
   still deciding whether or not to bring some into this poor old
   world, I highly recommend you go to lunch at some fast food
   place and sit next to a bunch of them.

*   The Mother was having more than a little bit of trouble with
   her pre-teen boy.  She summed it up for him by saying, "Lloyd,
   you must live each day as if it were your last."
     "No way !!!" he yelled. "I tried that last week and you
   grounded me."
				 From:   Mr.Jim  Jr. as  Posted in UGA
							 ++++++++++++++++

...suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character;
and character, hope. (Romans 5:3b-4, NIV)

On December 29, 1987, a Soviet cosmonaut returned to the Earth after 326 days
in orbit. He was in good health, which hadn't always been the case in those
record-breaking voyages.

Five years earlier, touching down after 211 days in space, two cosmonauts
suffered from dizziness, high pulse rates and heart palpitations. They
couldn't walk for a week. After 30 days, they were still undergoing therapy
for atrophied muscles and weakened hearts.

At zero gravity, the muscles of the body begin to waste away because there is
no resistance.

To counteract this, the Soviets prescribed a vigorous exercise program for the
cosmonauts. They invented the "penguin suit," a running suit laced with
elastic bands. It resists every move the cosmonauts make, forcing them to
exert their strength. Apparently the regimen is helping.

We often long dreamily for days without difficulty, but God knows better. The
easier our lives, the weaker our spiritual fiber, for strength of any kind
grows only by exertion.

Personal Challenge:
•In the difficulties you face this week, tackle them with a sense of God's
purpose. Thank God for the good He wants to accomplish in you.

Taken from Illustrations for Preaching and Teaching: From Leadership Journal
(Baker, 1993). Devotional also published in
<A HREF="aol://4344:122.micurr.1284093.577142003">Men of Integrity</A>.
September/October 1998, Vol. 1, No. 2, October 5, 1998.
						 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Aren't you the Lucky One!
	 Two elderly ladies, Sophie and Sadie were visiting each other at a
Miami beachfront condominium.

  	 Sadie asks, "So, what are you doing for excitement these days?"

  	 Sophie replies, "Oh, I watch the soap operas and the talk shows on TV.

There's nothing else.  How about you?  What do you do for excitement?

	 Sadie answers, "What can one do these days? Once in a while I suck
on a LifeSaver."

  	 Sophie says, "My, my aren't you lucky you live so close to the beach!"

								 +++++++++++++++++++++

Rules for Driving in New York City

* When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming
traffic to pass.
* Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under
the wheels of your car.
* The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you
see.  Grab it.
* Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
* Always look both ways when running a red light.
* Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn
other drivers to speed up and not let you in.(Truest of All)
   * Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
   * Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure
inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.  And if a pedestrian
ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and
chase him back up on the curb.  Pedestrians have no rights.
		 Posted From:  [chucklelist] Daily Mega Joke Mix
						 +++++++++++++++++++++

Bad Weather Driving TIPS

**If the ground is slightly damp from a little rain,

and traffic is generally moving at 65 MPH, drive at 15 MPH.



**When a major road is covered with a dangerous amount of snow,

and traffic is generally moving at 15 MPH, drive at 65 MPH.



**The more slippery the road surface is, the more you should

change lanes.



**Only use parking lights when driving in rain, sleet, snow, or fog.



**If all snow has been plowed, and plenty of salt and sand has

been spread on the road, drive at 10 MPH. Even if traffic is

generally moving at 55 MPH.



**If the road is slippery due to ice, rain, or snow, intentionally

cause your vehicle to swerve and make "S" type maneuvers.



**When stopped at a red signal in the rain or snow, always spin

your tires to make as much of a distraction as possible.



**When approaching a large water puddle in the road, drive through

it to cause a tidal wave to hit other cars and pedestrians.



**When driving in any type of nasty weather, disregard all traffic

lines painted on the road.



**If the road conditions are anything but dry, always tailgate.



**When driving during a winter snow, don't clean the ice off the

top of your car. Then, drive as fast as possible so that everything

flies off your roof and hits other cars.



**When your car is covered with snow or ice, only clean off a little tiny

section in front of the driver's seat so that you won't have any idea

of what's going on around you.



**If your windshield becomes fogged while driving, DO NOT wipe it off.

Just turn on the defroster and lean your body between the driver's and

passenger seat and duck your head to the dashboard. Then continue

driving by peaking out the windshield where the defroster has just

started to clear.



**Slam on your brakes to see how slippery the snow, rain, or ice is.



**Do not use your windshield wipers in the pouring rain,

if you don't like the squeaking noise they make.



**Keep your windshield wipers going long after the rain has stopped.



**When brushing the snow off your car, brush it onto the bumper

so that it blocks your headlights, turn lights, and brake lights.



**When driving on a sheet of ice, go as fast as possible because

you have a 4x4 vehicle and it is equipped with anti-lock brakes.



**If the heat in your car is broken, wear a winter coat that is too

large for you and zip it all the way up so that the only part of

your head that is uncovered is your eye brows and forehead.

				 Posted From:  Kitty's Daily News
						 ++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S  ALL  FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them.  The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list.  If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
  <A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.  Items
are published on a first received basis.


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I hope you get this.  Andy??  Well, that's short for Anderson and I've been
called Andy almost all my life due to Anderson last name.  Given name is Dave.

There you have it in a nutshell.  Andy and Dave.  I answer to either!~  LOL

A Date, Eh?  Hope it was great and great swim too.

See ya later

Dave and "Andy" LOL

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at http://www.eGroups.com -- Free Web-based e-mail groups.

I wonder if this will work and will send Blind Copies

Andy

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