Friday  3/21/2008  (From Andy's Archived Funnies

Today marks the 21st day since I got out of the hospital with my 9th bout
with pneumonia.   I spent over a week in isolation while being treated for the
bacteria (kelbsiella) which is causing my pneumonia.   Please stand wth me in
prayer that this disease will be permanently killed (eradicated) and that I will
no longer have these bouts with pneumonia.   I am pretty much confined to
home for now and an still using oxegen and taking nebulizer treatments 3 to 4
times   day.   This has made my breathing easier, but I desire to keep it that
way and one day be off oxegen, at least part of the time.

So then, my friends, I wish you a "Happy Easter" and remember that it is
because He lives. we can live also.

In Christ and much love to all of you

Dave "Andy" Anderson


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Shalom Always,
Andy

===========================================================
Sure is HOT down here:
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel
room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer
Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@....
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail
ended up going to JeanJohn@..., a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the
wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried thatday.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly
fainted. it read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
From Tony: <<RevTonyAG@...>>
+++++++++++++++++++++

Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally
the guys' side of the story.
We always hear '?the rules'
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up
put it down.
We need it up
you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports.  It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one
Subtle hints do n ot work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact
all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat
you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry
we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it
just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible
Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 1 6 colors
like Windows default settings.
Peach
for example
is a fruit
not A color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches
it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing
' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere
absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topi cs as baseball or
motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes
I know
I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that?  It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can-to give them a bigger laugh!
                              +++++++++++++++++++

STROADEnote:  I don't like lizards 'n snakes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box what colour would it be?

Can a blind chameleon change colour?  (stroadeNOTE:  aren't chameleon's just
*dandy* gekko's?)

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

Why does a frog-call sound like 'rabbit'?

Are frogs the only animals that are truly immortal? Do they not croak EVERY
night and still get up in the morning?

Can only really rich crocodiles afford dental treatment as they have so many
teeth?

Do illegally parked frogs get toad away?

Did anyone think of eating the other parts of frogs? (STROADEnote:  Have to
ask the French ... parlez vou ribbet-ribbet?)

Do snakes get rashes from poison ivy? If so, how do they scratch it?

What would happen if a poisonous snake bit its own tongue? (STROADEnote:
Sayanora slithery critter!)

Do crocodiles really shed tears? And if so why?

########################
ENJOY YOUR DAY ... EVERY DAY!
Stroade
John STROADE Shay, Sr.
GLEEFULLY RETIRED!!!
   Don't praise yourself; let others do it!
        (Proverbs 27:2)
===================================================


Partners Polemic
* Came home late the other nite. The minute I hit the door,
Mrs JimJr started shooting from the lip.

* Mrs JimJr and I have gotten sooooo good over the years at
patching up our quarrels, they're just as good as new ones.

* Guess y'all heard about the deaf mute and his wife. She was
so angry, he couldn't get a finger in edgewise.

* In kung fu, you fight with your feet. Big Deal. I've been
doing that for over thirty years. When Mrs JimJr gets really
upset with me, I run as fast as I can.

* The wife was a little more furious than usual and said,
"I should have listened to my Mother twenty years ago."
"Go ahead..." shot back the husband. "It ain't too late.
She's still babbling away."

* A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to
quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women,
'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."

* Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss
their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do
anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.
"Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at
least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

by: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@...> and Posted From: UGA
+++++++++++++++++++++

You're not old UNLESS you can remember (I know this is a repeat I sent a
couple yeas ago but it's still really great. There have been a few additions
to the list since then.)

* Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
* When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than
milk and sodas.
* When there were two types of sneakers for boys (Hi Top and Low top).
* When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
* When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
* When all your friends (me included) got their hair cut at the kitchen
table (and Dad put a bowl around our head for an edging pattern so my
neighborhood kids teased us four brothers!).
* When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
* When nobody owned a pure*bred dog.
* When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.
* When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny (I still do).
* When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
* When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
* When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done,
and that was everyday, no exceptions.
* When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!
* When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden
inside the box. (and we are still using them).
* When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to
carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
* When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a
real restaurant with your parents.
* When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!
* When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the
fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
* When women were called, "Mrs. John Smith," instead of their own name.

*****and the list could go on and I imagine it will. By the time this is
returned to me I'll bet therell be a lot more interesting "MEMORIES" added
to this list.*****
++++++++++++++++++++++

Following in MY footsteps? Great!
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up
and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May
I take you order?"
By:Susan Dillon as Posted from UGA
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nothing but the Truth!
David Casstevens of the Dallas Morning News tells a
story about Frank Szymanski, a Notre Dame center in the
1940s, who had been called as a witness in a civil suit at
South Bend.
"Are you on the Notre Dame football team this year?"
the judge asked.
"Yes, Your Honor."
"What position?"
"Center, Your Honor."
"How good a center?"
Szymanski squirmed in his seat, but said firmly: "Sir,
I'm the best center Notre Dame has ever had."
Coach Frank Leahy, who was in the courtroom, was
surprised. Szymanski always had been modest and unassuming.
So when the proceedings were over, he took Szymanski aside
and asked why he had made such a statement. Szymanski
blushed.
"I hated to do it, Coach," he said. "But, after all, I
was under oath."
By David Casstevens from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul

Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What I want in a Wife!
( another that I did long ago but is worth the repeat.)
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook
intended for High School girls:
"How to prepare for married life."



1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.



2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.



3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the

house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. You2 husband will feel
he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.


4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see
them playing the part.



5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of

washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to
be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad
to see him.



6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what
he might have gone through that day.



7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low,
soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.



8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.



9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.



10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.
++++++++++++++++++++

THOUGHTS:
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh,
you might as well laugh about it now. - Marie Osmond

SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
*If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
*Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the
mute can speak.
*When you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
*What holds you together is far greater than what can tear you apart.
*Respect costs nothing. (Unless it's lost)
*Life is like a soap opera. God is the head writer; your story line keeps
changing; it's a daily event; and there are Friday cliffhangers.
*When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so
long at the closed door that we do not see the one which had been opened
for us.
*Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
*Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.

RUMINATIONS
*I am the most anti-social person I know. But of course, I don't know
anyone because I'm so anti-social. - Derek Neitzel

*Maybe tomorrow is actually the last day of the first part of my life. -
Michael McCuiston

*Graduation is a funny thing. It probably helps that I went to clown
college, though. - Justin E. Kerner

*I bet that guy who learned everything he needed to know in kindergarten
feels pretty dumb paying his student loan every month. - Pat Perez

*I wonder if NASA thought the moon might be made of cheese before they
sent up the Apollo 11 crew. Because if it was, it would have been really
bad if the astronauts were lactose intolerant. - Paul Paternoster

*If you stacked all the US currency together, you could probably reach
the moon, but I bet the Apollo program was still more economical.
- Larry Baum

*The first thing I do after opening a bar of Ivory soap is to scrape off
the .0056 part that's impure. I mean, who wants to wash themselves
with that stuff? - Paul Paternoster

*Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on
earth. Does anybody want mine? I certainly don't. - Chuck Bonner

*I read once that Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 17,000 words. That's
pretty impressive, but I bet he used some of them twice. - Jeff Alexander

KEEP SMILING:( at my age?)
A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
++++++++++++++++
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You are welcome to share Wit & Wisdom as long as you do so without charge.
+++++++++++++++++

What's the Difference?
Charlie is eating at his friend Angelo's Italian restaurant. He says,
"Angelo, I just got back from Rome, and your lasagna is so much better
than Roman lasagna."
Angelo says, "It's the cheese. They use the domestic - I use the
imported."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whaat did you say???? ehhhh?
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a
walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
++++++++++++++++++

I'm Fine - How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me, 
I'm just as healthy as can be, 
I have arthritis in both knees, 
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. 
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, 
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. 

All my teeth have had to come out, 
And my diet I hate to think about. 
I'm overweight and I can't get thin, 
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. 

And arch supports I need for my feet. 
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street. 
Sleep is denied me night after night, 
But every morning I find I'm all right. 
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin. 
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. 

Old age is golden — I've heard it said, 
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. 
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, 
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up. 
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, 
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf? 

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has far-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits, 
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed. 

The moral of this as the tale unfolds, 
Is that for you and me, who are growing old. 
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
<<From: Imsaved@...>>
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Life Worth Saving
A man risked his life by swimming through the
treacherous riptide to save a youngster being swept out to
sea. After the child recovered from the harrowing
experience, he said to the man, "Thank you for saving my
life."
The man looked into the boy's eyes and said, "That's
okay, kid. Just make sure your life was worth saving."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
By Author Unknown from More Sower's Seeds by Brian Cavanaugh
from A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1995 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S ALL FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them. The work was sent
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of the material, please contact me immediately at:
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Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given. Items
are published on a first received basis.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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**************



**************
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dear friends and faithfully patient members of Andychaps the funnies,

As most of you know, I have been battling health issues for the past year.
I have had pneumonia 7 times this past year, 6 of these since September 2007.
  My health at this time is very fragile.   I have been wanting to get back
into doing the funnies, but my health leaves little computer time for me.
However, if you will bear with me for a while longer, I will try to get a
funnies
out to you at least once a week.   I'm afraid that these will be from past
postings from way back into my archives.   Hopefully as my strength is returned
to me, I will be able to get out fresh materials which I shall collect from
those subscribers which long have deleted my name due to lack of response to
their mailings, of I should say, bounces with no response.   I will attempt to
dig
and find fresh funnies and get them out to you, but this is only as my
strength allows me as well as my health.   I just got out with my latest bout
with
Pneumonia on the 23rd of January 2008.   My Doctors call me their "mystery"
patient as they cannot come up with the one key thing that causes this recurring
pneumonia.   I will admit that there were couple of times that I felt that I
was drawing my last breath, like I was being suffocated and smothered.   This
is not a good way to go to meet my Jesus.   I would much rather it be in the
"Rapture," but I say, not my will but His be done.   There is nothing like these
near death experiences that puts life in perspective and get your priorities
in the correct order s well.
      And so, my dear readers. Please keep me in your prayers. I love you all
and God Bless You Really Good

I Bid you "Shalom Always"

Dave "Andychaps" Anderson



Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...



**************
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Andychaps The Funnies"    2/15/2008 (From Andy's Archives)


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Shalom Always,
Andy
=====================================================

A New Keeper of "The Pearly Gates"
A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is

greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims.

"It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates

to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."

Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass

through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replies "What word?" she asks "Any word,"

answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into

Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a

moment while he goes to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone

comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word,

just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and

watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and

behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband!

"What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?"

Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that

I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join

you in Heaven."

"Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word."

"What word?" he asks.

"Czechoslovakia"

Submitted by mallardducks@...
Posted From: Tidbits Daily Devotional
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

See: Romans 8: 26. …
for we do not know what we should pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself
intercedes for us…

In James 5: 16, we learn that the prayers of a righteous man has great power
in its effect. Can we not conclude from that, that the Holy Spirit uses the
very nature and character of the believer as a temple from which to offer His
prayers of intercession on our behalf? Can we not further conclude that God
searches the heart of a believer? As a parent loves to hear the prayers of
their children, so God loves to hear our conscious prayers. Yet his concerned
is for the unconscious prayers and groanings of the Spirit within us?

This weekend I watched a young man playing a computer game called the "Temple
of Doom," (not recommended). He, with great precision and skill, searched out
every nook and cranny of this temple and totally destroyed all the bad guys
while picking up, on his way around this building, everything of value to
enhance his goals of cleansing this temple.

In Mark 11: 16, it could be said that Jesus ruthlessly cleansed the temple of
all its impurity of greed and pride. In like manner, I believe that God holds
us responsible to pay careful attention and guard the conscious part of our
own temple (body). He, therefore, is responsible for the unconscious part of
which we do not know.
Contributed by "The Funnies" Member Jack: USN58@...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Different Kind of a Bible:

This is a story about a soldier in the North Africa Campaign in

World War II. After heavy fighting the men returned to camp.

The next day being Sunday, the Chaplain had set up church

service. The men were asked to take out their Bibles or prayer book.

The Chaplain noticed one soldier looking at a deck of cards. After the

service he was taken by the Chaplain to see the Major.



The Chaplain explained to the Major of what he had seen. The Major

told the young soldier how he would have to be punished if he could

not explain himself. The young soldier told the Major that during the

battle he had neither a Bible or prayer book so he would use his

deck of cards and explained...........



* "You see Sir, when I look at the Ace, it tells me that there is one God

and no other.



* When I see the 2 , it reminds me there is two parts of the Bible, the

Old and New Testaments.



* The 3 tells me of the Trinity, of God the Father, God the Son and God

the Holy Spirit.



* The 4 reminds me of the four Gospels, There was Matthew, Mark,

Luke and John.



* When I see the 5, it tells me of the five unwise virgins who were lost

and five were saved.



* The 6 makes me mindful that God created the earth in just six days,

and God said that it was good so He rested on the 7th day.



* As I look at the 8, God destroyed all life by water except eight people.

There was Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives.



* When I see the 9, I think of the nine lepers that God healed. There

were ten in all but only one stopped to Thank Him.



* The 10 tells me of the "Ten Commandments" carved in stone by the

hand of God.



* The Jack makes me remember the prince of darkness. Like a

roaring lion that devours those he can.



* When I look at the Queen, I see blessed Mary, Mother of Jesus.



* As I look at the last card I see the KING, this reminds me Jesus is

the Lord of Lords and King of Kings!



* There is 365 spots on the cards, the number of days in a year.



* There is 52 cards to a deck, the number of weeks in a year.



* There is 12 picture cards, the number of months in a year.



* There are 4 cards to a suit, the number of months in a quarter.



* There are 13 suits, the number of weeks in a quarter."



........And so the young soldier then said to the Major, "You see

Sir that my intentions were honorable. My deck of cards serves

as my Bible, Prayer book and Almanac."

Submitted by BonVal@...
Posted From: Tidbits Daily Devotional
+++++++++++++++++++++++++


The Prayer Request
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for 2 weeks but nothing

happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When

the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA,

they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he

instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The President

thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a

thank you note to God, which read:



Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money; however, I noticed

that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C.

and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00!

Also from Janet mallardducks@...
Posted From: Tidbits Daily Devotional
To subscribe to the free Tidbits DAILY Devotional, send an

e-mail to: tidbits-request@... and put SUBSCRIBE

in the BODY of the e-mail.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
To subscribe to the free Tidbits DAILY Devotional, send an

e-mail to: tidbits-request@... and put SUBSCRIBE

in the BODY of the e-mail
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A true story from a family in the military!
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing
complex near the base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that
the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully
obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs
on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her
neighbor. “Give this to your husband,” he said thrusting a roll of toilet
paper into her hands. “He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Give Me Two Dates
An English teacher in China was giving a final exam to her students. One
young man had missed her lecture on American dating practices, although he
had
been present for the class of American holidays. This became apparent when he
answered the question “Give an example of a fun date and a romantic date.”
His response? April 1 and February 14!

Where Can I get a Loan???
The regional VP at a company, a middle aged man with a receding hairline,
never missed an opportunity to get in a dig at the engineers in the
department. One day at a staff meeting, he zeroed in on a young single guy
who often tried out different hairstyles and grooming products. “You keep
spending money on your hair,” the vice president said with a smirk, “and
you’ll have to take out a loan.” Thankfully,” the young man responded
coolly,
“with the money you are saving on your hair, you’ll be able to give me
one!”
Posted From: From: jershie@...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when he looks out, he sees this
old Jew praying vigorously.
The journalist goes down to the wall, introduces himself and
says: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and
what are you praying for?"
The old Jew replies: "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years.
In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of
man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to pray for the
eradication
of illness and disease from the earth."
The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it make you feel to come
and pray every day for 25 years for these things?"
The old Jew replies: "Like I'm talking to a wall."
Sent in by "The Funnies" Member Roy Edwards"
<<roy.pat@...>>
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"THOUGHT FOR THE DAY" I'm not as young as I used to be!

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a

few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and

played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head

home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled

onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man

as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed

the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly

quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently

and didn't waste much time.



Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found

himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in

front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old

man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the

ball right over that tree."



With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung

hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk

and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it

had originally lay.



The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I

was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."



There are a lot of things that we could do when we were

younger that, for whatever reason, we may not be able to

do now. But then again, there are some things we can do

now that we couldn't do when we were younger.



"The glory of young men is their strength, and the splendor

of old men is their gray head." (Proverbs 20:29).



Those who are younger should use their strength and

enthusiasm to serve God, while those who are older should

make use of their experience and wisdom. Together, what a

great team they make!

Have a great day!

Alan Smith Boone, NC Boone Church of Christ

To subscribe, send a message to hub@...
which reads: subscribe thought-for-the-day

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Should We Tell Him??? Nahhhhh!
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of
effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs,
until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his
shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree
again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little
turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the
edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female
bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little
turtle he's adopted".
From: Diamant Roni <ronid@...>
Posted From "Bill's Punch Line" at tcmrtalk@...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

30 Fun,,,eh? (That's Questionable) Things To Do In A Car: and the sad thing
is, people really think this is fun, but not if you are on the recipient end
of the funner! Can you relate to these to? And on the other hand, some are
just plain sick!!!
Maybe these should be called "the Way life really is!"

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt
to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red
paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the
passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie
out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror.
Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who
throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, throw old coffee out the window/sunroof
onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with weird symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild,
cutting up time
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill..
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to ...
a ... stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Shorty!
God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating
light and darkness of Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
++++++++++++++++++++++++

What does God Hear? What Does God Believe?
A man used to grumble at the food his wife placed before him at meal
time. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer his little
girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
"And does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"
"Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his
daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
Innocently she burst his bubble with her next question. "Then which
does God believe?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hey Doc! What's My Propblem?
Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just
before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."

Patient" "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"

Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Why are you Praying so Loud?
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime,
the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest
one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I
PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little
brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S ALL FOLKS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not
claim to own any copyright privileges to them. The work was sent
as an item for the mailing list. If you are a copyright owner of any
of the material, please contact me immediately at:
<A HREF="mailto:AndyChap@...">Andychap@... "The Funnies"</A> Retro
Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given. Items
are published on a first received basis.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When forwarding, please keep the mail intact.

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CONTINUE to use my personal email address to contact me or to
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+++++++++++++++++++++

Privacy Issue: We Do Not Now, Nor Will We In The Future, Sell Or In
Any Way, Distribute Your Information (e-mail address). PERIOD!
I value your privacy as I do Mine.





------------------------------------------------------------------------
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**************
The year's hottest artists on the red carpet at the Grammy
Awards. Go to AOL Music.

(http://music.aol.com/grammys?NCID=aolcmp00300000002565)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

***************************************************************
** "None are so empty as those who are full of themselves."
~~~ Andrew Jackson
***************************************************************

** Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor. I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to
remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously. **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

** The chains of habit are too weak to be felt

until they are too strong to be broken.

~~~ Samuel Johnson, British Author, Lexicographer

** We are inclined to believe those we do not know,

because they have never deceived us.

** "Treat your body like a temple, not a woodshed. The mind and body work
together. Your body needs to be a good support system for the mind and
spirit.
If you take good care of it, your body can take you wherever you want to go,
with the power and strength and energy and vitality you will need to get
there." ~~~Jim Rohn

** "Some people take better care of their pets than they do themselves.
Their animals can run like the wind and they can barely make it up a flight
of
stairs." ~~~Jim Rohn

** There are moments in life when you miss someone

so much that you just want to pick them from

your dreams and hug them for real!

** When the door of happiness closes, another opens;

but often times we look so long at the

closed door that we don't see the one,

which has been opened for us.


** Don't go for looks; they can deceive.

Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.

Go for someone who makes you smile,

because it takes only a smile to

make a dark day seem bright.

Find the one that makes your heart smile.


** Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go;

be what you want to be, because you have only one life

and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

** When you were born, you were crying and everyone around
you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and
everyone around you is crying.



***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"

~~~ To Subscribe Just Click On this Hyperlink and hit "Send". ~~~
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==================================================

"The Funnies" Thursday 3/4/04

** "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
===========================================

** Andy Says... Just Think About This! **

** "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer
him." -
Michael, 14

** "The worst kind of arrogance is arrogance from ignorance." - Jim Rohn

** "It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful." - Anton Szandor LaVey

** Great opportunities to help others seldom come,
but small ones surround us daily.

** "Some people don't do well simply because they don't feel well." Jim Rohn

** Self-Knowledge, The Key to Preparing for Competition by Denis Waitley

** "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite
hope." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

** "We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes."
~~~ John Fitzgerald Kennedy

** "Treat your body like a temple, not a woodshed. The mind and body work
together.

** Your body needs to be a good support system for the mind and spirit. If
you take good care of it, your body can take you wherever you want to go,
with
the power and strength and energy and vitality you will need to get there."
~~~ Jim Rohn

** "I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or
misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances."
~~~ Martha Washington

** "If taking vitamins doesn't keep you healthy enough, try more laughter:
The most wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed." -
Nicolas-~~~Sebastien Chamfort
+++++++++++++++++++++

** For Your Inspiration From Jack: ** <<<A HREF="mailto:USN58@...">
USN58@...</A>>>

040226-1675

Ref: 1 Corinthians 2: 14. The natural man does not receive the things of the
Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can he know them, because
they are spiritually discerned. But he who is spiritual judges all things,
yet he himself is rightly judged by no one.



This world will never understand God's wisdom, nor will they ever comprehend
why a savior had to die on their behalf to bring sinners back to God. This
mystery of the gospel is only revealed to us when the Holy Spirit opens our
spiritual eyes. To the world the Bible is only a compilation of literature,
stories and legends. If we present the pearls of God's revelation to those
who
do
not want to receive, who are unspiritual people, God says they will trample
those pearls under their feet.


Today, millions will go see the D+$)MPassion of Christ.D+$�� I believe
many or
most
will be greatly moved by visualizing a closer representation of what actually
happened. The Cat-of-Nine-Tails use to whip our Savior will turn ones back
into hamburger. Some will come out and exclaim that it was the worse movie
they have ever seen, and will blaspheme the Holy Spirit in the process of not
receiving the truth.



Men are always seeking for greater wisdom, but they usually bypass the
Ultimate Source of that wisdom. There are some truths that God seems to not
make
simple, but the way to salvation and sanctification has been made plain and
paid
for by the blood of Christ. Beyond that, we must rely on how close we are
willing to walk in the light.



We are living in a time when the church itself is watering down the Word of
God to suit those who are not spiritual. We have church elders and leaders
who
aimlessly wander through the Bible, taking only out of it what suffices for a
sermon or a characteristic phase or thought, never taking the time to allow
the Word of God jump out of the Bible and speak to them. Beware of living a
hand to mouth existence in spiritual matters, for you will become a spiritual
beggar.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

** Where do pets come from? ** (Tongue in Cheek Humor)

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are
lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you
love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of
how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he
wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to
be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my
own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and
preen like peacocks and they believe they are wor thy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will
be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The
companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that
they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into
Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme
beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.
========================================================
Mike Avery: MAvery@...
ICQ: 16241692: AOL IM:MAvery81230
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

** Short Takes **

Mikey's Thot for the Day:

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

====================

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of
the application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read his application and said, "We have
an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
====================

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for
window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out
that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality
time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm
requesting."
=================
I've read that a deceased man received is phone bill for 3 months at

his cemetery address before they noticed. Supposed to be true, don't

know. Maintenance crew chief found it strange, normally the people there

don't use a telephone or receive mail.
=================

John had spent a week visiting with his brother. Bill had
accompanied him to the airport for his flight back home.
After verifying his seat number, George rejoined Bill and
explained he'd have to wait an additional two hours.
"Why do you have to wait?"
"My plane's been grounded."
"Grounded?" Bill said puzzled. "I didn't know planes had parents."
================
** I was talking to my preacher I noticed he had cut his self shaving.

I asked him about it. He said he was concentrating on his sermon and

nicked his chin. I told him next time to concentrate on what he was

doing and cut his sermon. ~~~-- Jeremy Lewis

================

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small

Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read:

"Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit

tomorrow."

"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work

eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours

Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
================
*
Disclaimer:
THAT'S ALL FOLKS
**************************************************************************
** Why Questions and Answers **

Q: Why is Andychaps The Funnies so long?

A: All newspapers & magazines are long!


Q: What if I can't read all of it?

A: Delete it. Most folks don't read every word in every

newspaper/magazine either?


Q: Am I required to memorize each article?

A: Nope! Delete what you don't have time for or save for another time.


Q: Is The Funnies Spam?

A: No, it's made entirely of ham.


Q: Can I forward this to friends & family?

A: Please do.


Q: How many people have had opportunity to read The Funnies E-Mail

Newspapers?

A: Well over 1 million + many forwards by you.


Q: Who is Andychap?

A: We let him think he's the boss...
================================================

Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the

ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

PRIVACY STATEMENT: The subscriber list is not publicly accessible.
Subscribers' addresses will not be sold or given to a third party.
You can remove yourself from this list at anytime.

This mailing is not sent unsolicited. If you are receiving it, it is because
you have specifically requested it. If you are not receiving it directly
from ...
<A HREF="mailto:andychaps_the-funnies@yahoogroups.com">
andychaps_the-funnies@yahoogroups.com</A> ...it is forwarded mail.

If for any reason you need to change your mailing address just
unsubscribe your old mailing address and subscribe your new
address. You can subscribe and unsubscribe as follows:

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" Click On thisy hyperlink and hit "Send"
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UNSUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" Click On this hyperlink and hit "Send".
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Or Copy and paste the above address to a new email and hit send.

When unsubscribing, remember you must use the same
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**************************************************************************
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
to own any copyright privileges to them. The work was sent as an item for
the mailing list. If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
piece is known, credit will always be given. Items are published on a first
received basis.

*** Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
give them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.
Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
Items. If you sign up for their list... BE WARNED... do so at your own risk.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++



**************************************



**************
Start the year off right.  Easy ways to stay in shape.

http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dear Faithful friends of Andy and the Funnies.
      It has been a very long row that I have been hoeing, proverbially
speaking, but physically since last May, all seemed   to be going down hill as
far
as my health and some   of many physical ailments that kept me away from my
computer and doing the funnies.   But now, to say the   least, I am nearing the
competion    of a wholeness and a better healthful Andy.
      Over the past 3 years I have lost a total of 80 pounds and along the way
my prescriptions were not adjusted down so that there was less for the lesser
of myself.   I had become literally like a bomb ready to burst   till one
more increase in one of the medicine that I was taking to help the neuropathy,
put me over the edge.   I ended up in the hospital for almost a week and went
through a readjustment of all my medicines.   Some were deleted, thank God! and
one was added,   I feel more like the man that Jesus healed who was found
clothed and in his right mind.
      I will share more from time to time, but I am at the point now that I
will be able to do some of the funnies again till I am back again where I left
off way back last May.   At least It will be a start for me again.

      Please keep me in your prayers.

Still Shalom always

Dave   "Andy" Anderson





***    The ' L I T T L E ' things    ***

** As you might know, the head of a company survived
9/11 because his son started kindergarten.

** Another fellow was alive because it was
his turn to bring donuts.

** One woman was late because her
alarm clock didn't go off in time.

**One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
because of an auto accident.

**One of them missed his bus.

**One spilled food on her clothes and had
to take time to change.

** One's car wouldn't start.

** One went back to
answer the telephone.

** One had a child that dawdled
and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

** One couldn't get a taxi.

** The one that struck me was the man
who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
took the various means to get to work
but before he got there, he developed
a blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today.

***   Now when I am stuck in traffic,
miss an elevator,
turn back to answer a ringing telephone .
all the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
this is exactly where Godwants me to be at this very moment..

***   Next time your morning seems to be
going wrong,
the children are slow getting dressed,
you can't seem to find the car keys,
you hit every traffic light,
don't get mad or frustrated;
God is at work watching over you.

**   May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things
and may you remember their possible purpose.


Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dear Special Friends and members of andychaps the Funnies

Hi Y'all.   Been a while since I've done anything on this computer due to
medical prblrems and great techniques to solve them.   M y back now feels better
than it has to 20 years, and that's the truth.   I had a procedure done at the
University of Texas Health Science Center Pain Clinic where the The Doctor
went into my spine canal. entering in at the tail bone and go all the way to the
L-4/ L-5 area and clean out the scar tissue with a saline solution an then
put a steroid in the right place to reliever the pain that I have been having
that weas in my back and going down and back up again to my right leg.   So far
there has been total success.   It was instant pain free, which was from the
lidocaine or some other form of "caine".   My worst day was yesterday.   I was
told to expect that and that they would last about 2 days and then the
steroide wolld be working and continue to relieve my pain in that specific area.
If
I have success with thi procedure and get about 2 months of pain free in this
area, they would do other things, non specific to me as I wasn't told what or
where.   I just wanted to be sure this one worked.

PTL!   It did.   Now I believe I will be able to sit at this computer   pain
free when I sit and will be once again be able to put out the funnies on a
more regular basis,   So just bae with me.   The best is yet to come.

I love every none of you and cherish your letters and friendship and prayers.
   Keep them all coming.

And so till the next time there is still Shalom always...

Andy

Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...
=====================================================================

*********   TODAY'S FUNNIES COME FROM A FILE THAT I HAVE PLACED IN A CRIB
FILE FOR OVER SERVERAL YEARS.   YOU MAY RECOGNIZE SOME OF THEM AND OTHERS MAY BE
NEW FOR YOU,   AT ANY RATE, THIS IS THE BEST THAT I CAN DO FOR NOW.   PLEASE
BEAR   WITH ME AS I START UP THE FUNNIES AGAIN.
      GOD BLESS AND...
STILL SHALOM ALWYS
           Andy
**
***
****
*****
******

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***************************************************************
**  "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to
do nothing."
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 
The following are from a friend of mind from Zimbabwe, Gilbert M. Mabasa: The
Teacher
  mgministries2000@...
 
**   The time has come for the lost to come back to God. Any further delay in
the dark world will lead to perdition. Now that the light has been lit and
displayed, it is fit for those with spiritual eyes to see and be saved. Shine
for God fully and lead more back

**   Zeal as you deal for real can kill if it is but all without knowledge.
Taking poison thinking that it is a healthy drink does not remove its poison.
Hard work in the wrong direction still leads to the wrong destination. Know who
you are and where you.

**   Those in Christ are sheep and produce lambs. The rest are goats that
produce kids after their kind. Christ the lamb that was slain is the good
shepherd. The world has but bad herders. Are your young ones kids or lambs?
Raise
lambs and not call them kids.

**  It is easy to please the Lord since all it takes is to do His will. The
crowd may excite although contrary to God’s ways. So be careful of the company
that you keep always. Praise God who has made provision of all the blessings
for all His believers.

**  When cool drops of water touch the tip of a thirsty tongue, their quench
touches the inner being and releases tension. As God lovingly embraces you,
the enemy cannot touch you. Surely, The Lord God feeds all that hunger and
thirst after Him.

**  The gains from this world are limited to matter of this world and, like
the weather, can be lost without a single warning. Spiritual gains are of
eternal value for the spirit cannot be killed. In the Risen Christ is life
eternal.
Believe in him now and receive eternal life.

**  God’s giggle shakes the world as thunder and His smile lights up the
world as lightning. Imposters come and go, as fading fashion, but those keen on
being in God’s presence will not be moved by the worldly styles that pass
away. 
Be resolute!

**  Magnanimity lies in the forgiving of the repentant and restoration of
relations rises from the removal of fear of retribution. As you let go of what
traps you then you can rise to higher ground. Forgive those who offend you so
that God may forgive you.


***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"
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==================================================

"The Funnies"

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**  "Every citizen has a moral obligation to object to bad laws." - Wayne
Cryts

**  "The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in the time of
great moral crisis maintain their neutrality." - Dante

**  "The purpose of studying economics is not to acquire a set of
ready-made answers to economic questions, but to learn how to avoid
being deceived by economists." - Joan Robinson

**  "They do not love that do not show their love." - John Heywood

**  "If you cling to nothing, you can handle anything." - Lama Surya Das

**  "Nothing so obstinately stands in the way of all sorts of progress as
pride of opinion; while nothing is so foolish and baseless." - J. G.
Holland

**  "There should be less talk; a preaching point is not a meeting point.
What do you do then? Take a broom and clean someone's house. That
says enough." - Mother Teresa.

**  "Truth comes as a conqueror only to those who have lost the art of
recieving it as friend." - Tagore

**  "There is something pleasurable in the calm remembrance of a past
sorrow." - Cicero

**  "Sanity is a small price to pay for happiness." - Marabeth Madsen
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>


  060523-2060-1134
  Ref: Luke 12: 15.  One’s life does not consist in the abundance of the
things that he possesses.
   
  When we begin to live in the presence of God, we do not immediately realize
the change we have made, but after a time, we are struck with how utterly
insignificant the world was that we use to live in. The people, who do not
recognize the Lord, seem to have no understanding of this perspective.  
   
  It never occurred to us before, that our lives back then, seemed to be so
full, and yet, so full about nothing that truly mattered.  Today we wonder at
how we got so fussed over things that, for the most part, have become so
meaningless to us now.  Things that have nothing to do with God’s purpose in
life
compared the joy we now have in Christ.
    Modern day society tells us that we are to live in the things we possess. 
A true believer lives for God and in the relationship that that life brings. 
The interests that God’s providential hand can reveal, is like a many faceted
jewel revealing His glory and sweeping away all those things that are
irrelevant to His purposes
   
  Dear friends, I am been having computer problems. It does not want to send
Email for some reason.  Also have been on travel a lot.  I will attempt to
send
my "Thoughts" as I am able.  Thank you for understanding.
   
  Jack



**   Reasons to Buy a New Car   **

1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

2. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your
steering wheel.

3. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

4. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

5. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that
windshield for you?"

7. While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

8. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom
vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

9. Keep losing dates on left turns.

10 Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

11. Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name when discussing
morning tie-ups.

12. Hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.

Source: Gentle Humor,    mailto:words@...?subject=GHSubscribe
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously
gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served 
them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down 
the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey asked me to 
announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people,  so
if
you could just put up your trays that would be super." 
 
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather 
exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over 
those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man  can
pitty-pat us on the ground." 
 
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. 
I take orders from no one." To which the gay flight attendant replied, 
without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a 
Queen, so
I outrank you. Put the tray up... NOW!" 
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   One Liners for    (**   Something ToThink About   **)

"Warning: Exposure to the SON may prevent burning!

GOD won't be looking for your medals, degrees or diplomas, he'll be
looking for your scars!

Give GOD what's right, not what's left!

Seven days, without prayer, makes one weak!

Trade GOD your pieces for HIS peace!

When you get tired talking to your friend about GOD, talk to GOD about
your friend!

Life is fragile, handle it with PRAYER!

Man's way leads to a hopeless end! GOD'S way leads to an endless hope!
Everytime, the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his
future!!!

He who kneels before GOD can stand before anyone!

To be almost saved, is to be totally lost!

Grace is not an excuse to sin, but it is the power not to!

When JESUS is all we have, we realize, JESUS is all we need!

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, FAITH looks up!

JESUS became what we are, so we can become like HE is!

If you're a Christian, earth is the only hell, you'll ever know!

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep, talk to the shepherd!

In this life it's not what you have, but who you have that counts!

There are many things in my life for which I am ashamed, but JESUS is
not one of them!

When was the last time you told GOD you loved HIM? HE is still
listening!

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death!

CHRIST'S return is near..........don't miss it for the world!!

Be an organ donor, give your heart to JESUS!

JESUS, don't leave earth without HIM!

Be ye fishers of men, you catch them, JESUS will clean them!

When you slip into eternity, will you be taking smoking or
non-smoking?

ATHEISTS, you've got a big surprise coming!

When someone gets you hot and bothered, just turn on your PRAYER
conditioner.

If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything!

(This is my own saying Ps J)
JESUS, is my final answer, Amen==
===========================

**   A sign went up at the golf course...."Kitchen closed for
remodeling."

A few weeks later a new sign was posted...."Kitchen Open."

Directly under this 6 men had already signed their names.


[Think about this one for awhile before you email me saying "I
don't get it" ~grin]
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF RECRUITMENT

* "After answering the first few questions, the candidate picked
up his cell phone and called his parents to let them know the
interview was going well."

* "At the end of the interview, the candidate expressed her
interest in getting the position, but only if her boyfriend liked
the company and the hiring manager. She then said, `He's waiting
outside. Can I bring him in to say hello?"'

On Being Prepared

* "The candidate entered the lobby and identified herself to the
receptionist. She then pulled two pairs of shoes from her bag and
said, `Before the interviewer comes out, tell me which pair you
think I should wear with this suit."'

* "When asked why he wanted to work for the company, the applicant
responded, `That's a good question. I really haven't given it much
thought."'

* "When told she would meet with another interviewer, the
candidate said, `Wait just a minute.' She then took out a large
bag from her briefcase and proceeded to reapply her makeup and
hairspray, all in the first interviewer's office."

On Positive Comments

* "When asked by the hiring manager why she was leaving her
current job, the applicant said, `My manager is a jerk. All
managers are jerks."'

* "The candidate disparaged his former boss during the interview,
not realizing the boss and the interviewer had the same last name,
and were related."

Misc. Blunders

* "After being complimented on his choice of college and the grade
point average he achieved, the candidate replied, 'I'm glad that
got your attention. I didn't really go there."'

* "The company sent an employee to meet a prospective candidate at
the airport. The applicant got off the plane, said it was far too
cold to live and work in this city, and said he was taking a
flight home. He never met the hiring manager."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.
After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that
much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust
my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give
me fifty bucks and get out."
"I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come
to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no
money?"
"Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to my
health, nothing is too expensive."
==============================

SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE

-->They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

-->All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

-->Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a
pilot.

-->You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

-->Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your
Velcro.

-->The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for
gas.

-->When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

-->The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the
runway.

-->You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says,
"Just once."

-->No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your
eyes.

-->You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the
plane.

-->All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   IMPORTANT NOTICE:

ALL K-MART AND WAL-MART STORES IN IRAQ WILL BE CLOSED.
THEY ARE BEING REPLACED WITH TARGETS.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children" --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod
Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop
them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --
Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man
on base." --Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer
went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two
weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp." --Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when
someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the
boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to
the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God, I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda
Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
west.'" --Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography." --Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren
Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were
a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark
Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --
A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to
rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin
Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but
I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be
myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place." --Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I
never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad
Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
--
Thanks to Kevin Mc for sharing these with us.   He says
he relates especially well to numbers 4 and 21.   Perhaps
that's because he also should relate well to numbers 6
and 23.
--
Mike Avery
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  TODAY'S GRAY GRIN

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't
miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel
quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man
fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. "You forget more
and more," snapped.

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve
her glasses, the old man said, "Oh----while you're in there, you may as well
get my hat, too."
================

**Wise Guy...

Trying to control her dry hair, my wife, who's into
natural remedies, treated her scalp with olive oil
before washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed
her hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, she leaned over to me
and asked, "Honey, do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," said I, giving her a sniff. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
=============
**   Call From A Friend   **

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other
and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship
is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and
turns to the obituaries page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several
months earlier, was in preparation for this event.   He correctly surmises
that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So,
what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike,
where are you calling me from right now?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++


**   End Of Problem   **

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with
  a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick.   When
  applying it in the bathroom, they would then press their
  lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

  Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.
  He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and
  told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room
  at 2pm.   They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and
  the school custodian waiting for them.

  The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for
  the custodian to clean the mirror every night.   He said he
  felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of
  a problem it was, and he wanted them to witness just how
  hard it was to clean.

  The custodian then demonstrated.   He took a brush on a long
  handle out of a box.   He then dipped the brush in the nearest
  toilet, moved to the mirror and scrubbed the lipstick stains.

  And that was the very last day that the girls pressed their
  lips on the mirror!
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Good Question   **

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big
money someday.   He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route
carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage
business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina.   "That 96'
beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch.   That one over there
104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs.   And look at that huge 210'
yacht out there.   That's the pride and joy of the top seller at
Prudential-Bache."

His friend Morris was silent.   Goodman turned to look at him and saw a
pained look on his face.

"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," Morris said, "why aren't there any customers'
yachts?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   What Is It?   **

A lawyer walks into a cafe and sits down next to a roady who is
closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches
the roady   for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask
what it is.

"Well," said the roady, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it
between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he
finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I
don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the roady replied.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Not A Funny, But A Handful Of Help In Need   **

On my way to court for a case in which I'd worked as an undercover
investigator, I stopped at my dry cleaner to pick up my dress shirts.
The shirts weren't ready. I showed the clerk my ID and explained that
I had only 20 minutes to get to court and change from the Metallica T-
shirt I was wearing into the suit and tie I had with me.

The clerk ran to the back of the shop and returned with a fresh shirt.

"It's not yours," he said. "Just bring it back when you're finished!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    George Carlin Quotes   ** Misus Edits By Andy)

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. Also for those
of us that are old enough to understand George Carlin! A few statements to
ponder...George Carlin quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
5.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."   **

Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." --

**   I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life? -- Age 15

**   Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

**   Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

**   For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

**   Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies.   Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you
could come up with! --Age 6

**   As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day.   At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved
up. -- Age 7

**   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

**   It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there. -- Age 5

**   If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. -- Age 15
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Wisdom In A Nutshell from 5th and 6th graders   **

**   The spinal column is a long bunch of bones.   The head sits on the top,
and you sit on the bottom.

**   The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.

**   Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like
umbrellas.

**   Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

**   Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never
have been able to make out the numbers.

I**   n some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

**   One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   What Do They Say   **

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the
preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the
cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in
his
clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you
have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked
like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show
him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the
manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what
those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at
the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Paradox Of Our Age   **     Author Unknown


**   We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but
narrower viewpoints.

**   We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less.

**   We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less
time.

**   We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment;
more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

**   We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too
tired, pray too seldom, and watch too much TV.

**   We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

**   We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often.

**   We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to
life, not life to years.

**   We've been to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to
meet a new neighbor.

**   We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger
things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

**   We've split the atom, but not our prejudice; We write more, but learn
less;
plan more, but accomplish less.

**   We've learned to rush, but not wait; we have higher incomes, but lower
morals; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer
friends; more effort, but less success.

**   These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and
short
character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

**   These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure
and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

**   These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses,
but broken homes.

**   These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one night stands,overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill.

**   It is a time when there is much in the show window, and nothing in the
stockroom.

**   Today, many want to gain the world at the "mere" expense of their souls.

**   Evil is contemplated and performed with both hands, yet we cannot lift a
finger for our fellow man.

**   May God have mercy on our souls. Pray without ceasing. Let each of us
examine our own ways.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

******
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

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You can remove yourself from this list at anytime.

This mailing is not sent unsolicited.   If you are receiving it, it is
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If for any reason you need to change your mailing address just
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**************************************************************************
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
to own any copyright privileges to them.   The work was sent as an item for
the mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
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***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
give them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.
Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
Items. If you sign up for their list... BE WARNED... do so at your own risk.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

==================================================
* * * Andychap@... * * *


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dear Special Friends and members of andychaps the Funnies

Hi Y'all.   Been a while since I've done anything on this computer due to
medical prblrems and great techniques to solve them.   M y back now feels better
than it has to 20 years, and that's the truth.   I had a procedure done at the
University of Texas Health Science Center Pain Clinic where the The Doctor
went into my spine canal. entering in at the tail bone and go all the way to the
L-4/ L-5 area and clean out the scar tissue with a saline solution an then
put a steroid in the right place to reliever the pain that I have been having
that weas in my back and going down and back up again to my right leg.   So far
there has been total success.   It was instant pain free, which was from the
lidocaine or some other form of "caine".   My worst day was yesterday.   I was
told to expect that and that they would last about 2 days and then the
steroide wolld be working and continue to relieve my pain in that specific area.
If
I have success with thi procedure and get about 2 months of pain free in this
area, they would do other things, non specific to me as I wasn't told what or
where.   I just wanted to be sure this one worked.

PTL!   It did.   Now I believe I will be able to sit at this computer   pain
free when I sit and will be once again be able to put out the funnies on a
more regular basis,   So just bae with me.   The best is yet to come.

I love every none of you and cherish your letters and friendship and prayers.
   Keep them all coming.

And so till the next time there is still Shalom always...

Andy

Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...
=====================================================================

*********   TODAY'S FUNNIES COME FROM A FILE THAT I HAVE PLACED IN A CRIB
FILE FOR OVER SERVERAL YEARS.   YOU MAY RECOGNIZE SOME OF THEM AND OTHERS MAY BE
NEW FOR YOU,   AT ANY RATE, THIS IS THE BEST THAT I CAN DO FOR NOW.   PLEASE
BEAR   WITH ME AS I START UP THE FUNNIES AGAIN.
      GOD BLESS AND...
STILL SHALOM ALWYS
           Andy
**
***
****
*****
******

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***************************************************************
**  "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to
do nothing."
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 
The following are from a friend of mind from Zimbabwe, Gilbert M. Mabasa: The
Teacher
  mgministries2000@...
 
**   The time has come for the lost to come back to God. Any further delay in
the dark world will lead to perdition. Now that the light has been lit and
displayed, it is fit for those with spiritual eyes to see and be saved. Shine
for God fully and lead more back

**   Zeal as you deal for real can kill if it is but all without knowledge.
Taking poison thinking that it is a healthy drink does not remove its poison.
Hard work in the wrong direction still leads to the wrong destination. Know who
you are and where you.

**   Those in Christ are sheep and produce lambs. The rest are goats that
produce kids after their kind. Christ the lamb that was slain is the good
shepherd. The world has but bad herders. Are your young ones kids or lambs?
Raise
lambs and not call them kids.

**  It is easy to please the Lord since all it takes is to do His will. The
crowd may excite although contrary to God’s ways. So be careful of the company
that you keep always. Praise God who has made provision of all the blessings
for all His believers.

**  When cool drops of water touch the tip of a thirsty tongue, their quench
touches the inner being and releases tension. As God lovingly embraces you,
the enemy cannot touch you. Surely, The Lord God feeds all that hunger and
thirst after Him.

**  The gains from this world are limited to matter of this world and, like
the weather, can be lost without a single warning. Spiritual gains are of
eternal value for the spirit cannot be killed. In the Risen Christ is life
eternal.
Believe in him now and receive eternal life.

**  God’s giggle shakes the world as thunder and His smile lights up the
world as lightning. Imposters come and go, as fading fashion, but those keen on
being in God’s presence will not be moved by the worldly styles that pass
away. 
Be resolute!

**  Magnanimity lies in the forgiving of the repentant and restoration of
relations rises from the removal of fear of retribution. As you let go of what
traps you then you can rise to higher ground. Forgive those who offend you so
that God may forgive you.


***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"
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==================================================

"The Funnies"

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**  "Every citizen has a moral obligation to object to bad laws." - Wayne
Cryts

**  "The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in the time of
great moral crisis maintain their neutrality." - Dante

**  "The purpose of studying economics is not to acquire a set of
ready-made answers to economic questions, but to learn how to avoid
being deceived by economists." - Joan Robinson

**  "They do not love that do not show their love." - John Heywood

**  "If you cling to nothing, you can handle anything." - Lama Surya Das

**  "Nothing so obstinately stands in the way of all sorts of progress as
pride of opinion; while nothing is so foolish and baseless." - J. G.
Holland

**  "There should be less talk; a preaching point is not a meeting point.
What do you do then? Take a broom and clean someone's house. That
says enough." - Mother Teresa.

**  "Truth comes as a conqueror only to those who have lost the art of
recieving it as friend." - Tagore

**  "There is something pleasurable in the calm remembrance of a past
sorrow." - Cicero

**  "Sanity is a small price to pay for happiness." - Marabeth Madsen
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>


  060523-2060-1134
  Ref: Luke 12: 15.  One’s life does not consist in the abundance of the
things that he possesses.
   
  When we begin to live in the presence of God, we do not immediately realize
the change we have made, but after a time, we are struck with how utterly
insignificant the world was that we use to live in. The people, who do not
recognize the Lord, seem to have no understanding of this perspective.  
   
  It never occurred to us before, that our lives back then, seemed to be so
full, and yet, so full about nothing that truly mattered.  Today we wonder at
how we got so fussed over things that, for the most part, have become so
meaningless to us now.  Things that have nothing to do with God’s purpose in
life
compared the joy we now have in Christ.
    Modern day society tells us that we are to live in the things we possess. 
A true believer lives for God and in the relationship that that life brings. 
The interests that God’s providential hand can reveal, is like a many faceted
jewel revealing His glory and sweeping away all those things that are
irrelevant to His purposes
   
  Dear friends, I am been having computer problems. It does not want to send
Email for some reason.  Also have been on travel a lot.  I will attempt to
send
my "Thoughts" as I am able.  Thank you for understanding.
   
  Jack



**   Reasons to Buy a New Car   **

1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

2. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your
steering wheel.

3. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

4. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

5. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that
windshield for you?"

7. While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

8. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom
vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

9. Keep losing dates on left turns.

10 Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

11. Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name when discussing
morning tie-ups.

12. Hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.

Source: Gentle Humor,    mailto:words@...?subject=GHSubscribe
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously
gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served 
them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down 
the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey asked me to 
announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people,  so
if
you could just put up your trays that would be super." 
 
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather 
exotic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over 
those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man  can
pitty-pat us on the ground." 
 
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. 
I take orders from no one." To which the gay flight attendant replied, 
without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a 
Queen, so
I outrank you. Put the tray up... NOW!" 
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   One Liners for    (**   Something ToThink About   **)

"Warning: Exposure to the SON may prevent burning!

GOD won't be looking for your medals, degrees or diplomas, he'll be
looking for your scars!

Give GOD what's right, not what's left!

Seven days, without prayer, makes one weak!

Trade GOD your pieces for HIS peace!

When you get tired talking to your friend about GOD, talk to GOD about
your friend!

Life is fragile, handle it with PRAYER!

Man's way leads to a hopeless end! GOD'S way leads to an endless hope!
Everytime, the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his
future!!!

He who kneels before GOD can stand before anyone!

To be almost saved, is to be totally lost!

Grace is not an excuse to sin, but it is the power not to!

When JESUS is all we have, we realize, JESUS is all we need!

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, FAITH looks up!

JESUS became what we are, so we can become like HE is!

If you're a Christian, earth is the only hell, you'll ever know!

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep, talk to the shepherd!

In this life it's not what you have, but who you have that counts!

There are many things in my life for which I am ashamed, but JESUS is
not one of them!

When was the last time you told GOD you loved HIM? HE is still
listening!

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death!

CHRIST'S return is near..........don't miss it for the world!!

Be an organ donor, give your heart to JESUS!

JESUS, don't leave earth without HIM!

Be ye fishers of men, you catch them, JESUS will clean them!

When you slip into eternity, will you be taking smoking or
non-smoking?

ATHEISTS, you've got a big surprise coming!

When someone gets you hot and bothered, just turn on your PRAYER
conditioner.

If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything!

(This is my own saying Ps J)
JESUS, is my final answer, Amen==
===========================

**   A sign went up at the golf course...."Kitchen closed for
remodeling."

A few weeks later a new sign was posted...."Kitchen Open."

Directly under this 6 men had already signed their names.


[Think about this one for awhile before you email me saying "I
don't get it" ~grin]
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF RECRUITMENT

* "After answering the first few questions, the candidate picked
up his cell phone and called his parents to let them know the
interview was going well."

* "At the end of the interview, the candidate expressed her
interest in getting the position, but only if her boyfriend liked
the company and the hiring manager. She then said, `He's waiting
outside. Can I bring him in to say hello?"'

On Being Prepared

* "The candidate entered the lobby and identified herself to the
receptionist. She then pulled two pairs of shoes from her bag and
said, `Before the interviewer comes out, tell me which pair you
think I should wear with this suit."'

* "When asked why he wanted to work for the company, the applicant
responded, `That's a good question. I really haven't given it much
thought."'

* "When told she would meet with another interviewer, the
candidate said, `Wait just a minute.' She then took out a large
bag from her briefcase and proceeded to reapply her makeup and
hairspray, all in the first interviewer's office."

On Positive Comments

* "When asked by the hiring manager why she was leaving her
current job, the applicant said, `My manager is a jerk. All
managers are jerks."'

* "The candidate disparaged his former boss during the interview,
not realizing the boss and the interviewer had the same last name,
and were related."

Misc. Blunders

* "After being complimented on his choice of college and the grade
point average he achieved, the candidate replied, 'I'm glad that
got your attention. I didn't really go there."'

* "The company sent an employee to meet a prospective candidate at
the airport. The applicant got off the plane, said it was far too
cold to live and work in this city, and said he was taking a
flight home. He never met the hiring manager."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.
After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that
much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust
my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give
me fifty bucks and get out."
"I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come
to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no
money?"
"Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to my
health, nothing is too expensive."
==============================

SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE

-->They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

-->All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

-->Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a
pilot.

-->You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

-->Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your
Velcro.

-->The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for
gas.

-->When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

-->The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the
runway.

-->You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says,
"Just once."

-->No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your
eyes.

-->You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the
plane.

-->All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   IMPORTANT NOTICE:

ALL K-MART AND WAL-MART STORES IN IRAQ WILL BE CLOSED.
THEY ARE BEING REPLACED WITH TARGETS.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children" --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod
Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop
them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --
Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man
on base." --Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer
went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two
weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp." --Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when
someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the
boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to
the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God, I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda
Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
west.'" --Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography." --Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren
Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were
a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark
Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --
A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to
rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin
Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but
I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be
myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place." --Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I
never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad
Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
--
Thanks to Kevin Mc for sharing these with us.   He says
he relates especially well to numbers 4 and 21.   Perhaps
that's because he also should relate well to numbers 6
and 23.
--
Mike Avery
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  TODAY'S GRAY GRIN

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't
miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel
quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man
fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. "You forget more
and more," snapped.

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve
her glasses, the old man said, "Oh----while you're in there, you may as well
get my hat, too."
================

**Wise Guy...

Trying to control her dry hair, my wife, who's into
natural remedies, treated her scalp with olive oil
before washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed
her hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, she leaned over to me
and asked, "Honey, do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," said I, giving her a sniff. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
=============
**   Call From A Friend   **

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other
and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship
is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and
turns to the obituaries page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several
months earlier, was in preparation for this event.   He correctly surmises
that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So,
what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike,
where are you calling me from right now?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++


**   End Of Problem   **

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with
  a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick.   When
  applying it in the bathroom, they would then press their
  lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

  Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.
  He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and
  told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room
  at 2pm.   They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and
  the school custodian waiting for them.

  The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for
  the custodian to clean the mirror every night.   He said he
  felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of
  a problem it was, and he wanted them to witness just how
  hard it was to clean.

  The custodian then demonstrated.   He took a brush on a long
  handle out of a box.   He then dipped the brush in the nearest
  toilet, moved to the mirror and scrubbed the lipstick stains.

  And that was the very last day that the girls pressed their
  lips on the mirror!
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Good Question   **

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big
money someday.   He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route
carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage
business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina.   "That 96'
beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch.   That one over there
104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs.   And look at that huge 210'
yacht out there.   That's the pride and joy of the top seller at
Prudential-Bache."

His friend Morris was silent.   Goodman turned to look at him and saw a
pained look on his face.

"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," Morris said, "why aren't there any customers'
yachts?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   What Is It?   **

A lawyer walks into a cafe and sits down next to a roady who is
closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches
the roady   for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask
what it is.

"Well," said the roady, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it
between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he
finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I
don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the roady replied.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Not A Funny, But A Handful Of Help In Need   **

On my way to court for a case in which I'd worked as an undercover
investigator, I stopped at my dry cleaner to pick up my dress shirts.
The shirts weren't ready. I showed the clerk my ID and explained that
I had only 20 minutes to get to court and change from the Metallica T-
shirt I was wearing into the suit and tie I had with me.

The clerk ran to the back of the shop and returned with a fresh shirt.

"It's not yours," he said. "Just bring it back when you're finished!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    George Carlin Quotes   ** Misus Edits By Andy)

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. Also for those
of us that are old enough to understand George Carlin! A few statements to
ponder...George Carlin quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
5.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."   **

Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." --

**   I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life? -- Age 15

**   Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

**   Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

**   For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

**   Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies.   Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you
could come up with! --Age 6

**   As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day.   At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved
up. -- Age 7

**   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

**   It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there. -- Age 5

**   If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. -- Age 15
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Wisdom In A Nutshell from 5th and 6th graders   **

**   The spinal column is a long bunch of bones.   The head sits on the top,
and you sit on the bottom.

**   The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.

**   Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like
umbrellas.

**   Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

**   Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never
have been able to make out the numbers.

I**   n some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

**   One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   What Do They Say   **

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the
preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the
cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in
his
clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you
have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked
like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show
him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the
manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what
those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at
the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Paradox Of Our Age   **     Author Unknown


**   We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but
narrower viewpoints.

**   We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less.

**   We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less
time.

**   We have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment;
more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

**   We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too
tired, pray too seldom, and watch too much TV.

**   We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

**   We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often.

**   We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to
life, not life to years.

**   We've been to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to
meet a new neighbor.

**   We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger
things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

**   We've split the atom, but not our prejudice; We write more, but learn
less;
plan more, but accomplish less.

**   We've learned to rush, but not wait; we have higher incomes, but lower
morals; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer
friends; more effort, but less success.

**   These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and
short
character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

**   These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure
and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

**   These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses,
but broken homes.

**   These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one night stands,overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill.

**   It is a time when there is much in the show window, and nothing in the
stockroom.

**   Today, many want to gain the world at the "mere" expense of their souls.

**   Evil is contemplated and performed with both hands, yet we cannot lift a
finger for our fellow man.

**   May God have mercy on our souls. Pray without ceasing. Let each of us
examine our own ways.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

******
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
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**************************************************************************
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***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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***************************************************************
**   It is impossible to govern the world without God and the Bible.
  - George Washington
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  "Education which stops with efficiency may prove the greatest menace to
society. We must remember that intelligence is not enough. Intelligence plus
character--that is the goal of true education." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

**   Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be  
answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not  
last. The spring rains will come again.  
--Sarah Ban Breathnach  

**  "A man should never be ashamed to own that he is wrong, which is but
saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday."
-- Alexander Pope
========================================================
The Following quotes are taken from my friend Gilbert of Zimbabwe. I know
they will bless you as   much as they have me... and   all his quotes do the
same
to me ...   so be blessed!

By Gilbert M. Mabasa: The Teacher
  mgministries2000@...
========================================================

**   Why show off your riches if you deny people access to their benefit? If
you are so proud that you want to be idolised then you better be prepared to
be executed by your detractors. Otherwise, be as good as rain that brings life
to all lands without fear.
   
**  That you drink and then do not know what you do when drunk does not
immunise you from the consequences of your conduct nor exonerate you from
accountability for your poor behaviour. Imbibing is a deliberate act of numbing
your
mind. Arise and shine!

**  As the striker approaches the ball to take a penalty kick, he sees the
goalie not as a problem but as a challenge. Hardships in life well met leave the
liver wiser and stronger. Hence see not problems that paralyse but meet with
challenges for life.

**  Take not for granted what God has granted and give thanks to even the
most familiar of people for any gift. It is in expressing thanks that the spirit
of the giver is encouraged and the blessing of the receiver sealed. Thank you
for being there this time.
   
**   If God delights in being thanked, who are you to pretend not to want to
be thanked? Only those who have given are thanked so unless you are of service
to others never expect to be thanked. Give with love and receive thanks for
your gifts.

**   It is better that a few people die from drowning than that all souls die
from drought. Let there be spiritual rain that uplifts the spirits and
physical rain that brings new life in the land. Without water, life dries up
dead
and without the Holy Spirit the gospel becomes dry.

**   If God delights in being thanked, who are you to pretend not to want to
be thanked? Only those who have given are thanked so unless you are of service
to others never expect to be thanked. Give with love and receive thanks for
your gifts.

**  It is better that a few people die from drowning than that all souls die
from drought. Let there be spiritual rain that uplifts the spirits and
physical rain that brings new life in the land. Without water, life dries up
dead and
without the Holy Spirit the gospel becomes dry

**  You may wonder what it is that makes us always create opportunities for
networking such as this one. We aim to revive the right spirit of selflessness
in people. It is not because we are crazy or rich that we sponsor such
functions. We care & share.


**  While thankful to God for all the medical science and all practitioners,
lay your faith on the one who heals, more than  one who treats and tries to
help the sick body cure itself. Great as the curing of the body is, it is the
healing of the soul that is most lovely. Smile


**  Meditation allows for the mind to rest and the spirit’s turbulence to
subside while it heightens vision. Focusing on the seen success of the worldly
will dampen you as the flesh envies pleasure. Yet if you dwell on the right, you
will win all the time.
   
**   When the enemy rears his head to strike, the soldiers must be ready to
advance and hence reclaim what belongs to their kingdom. While love is the
greatest virtue, it also demands that there be justice and justice means at
times
striking out for the distressed.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"
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"The Funnies"

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**   Within each of us is a hidden store of energy. Energy we  
can release to compete in the marathon of life.  

**   Within each of us is a hidden store of courage. Courage  
to give us the strength to face any challenge.  

**   Within each of us is a hidden store of determination.  
Determination to keep us in the race when all seems lost.  
--Roger Dawson  
====================================
**   DISCIPLINE   **
====================================

** "The morning pouring everywhere, its golden glory on the air." -
Longfellow

** "The fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying."

** "I want to know God's thoughts... the rest are details." -- Heine

** "Trust in God, but row away from the rocks." -- Greek Proverb

** "Speech is silver, silence is golden; speech is human, silence is
divine." - German Proverb

** "The best way to keep one's word is not to give it." - Napoleon
Bonaparte

** "It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either
charming or tedious." - Oscar Wilde

** "The golden rule is that there are no golden rules." - George Bernard Shaw

** "Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers
so deeply that he had to invent laughter." - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

** "Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to." - Mark Twain

** "Life is the childhood of our immortality." - Goethe

** "We worry about what our child will be tomorrow, yet we forget that
he is someone today." - Stacia Tauscher

** "There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some
who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the
other." - Douglas Everett

** "I dreamed a thousand new paths... I woke and walked my old one." -
Chinese Proverb

** "Life is what matters, life alone - the continuous, eternal process
of discovering life - and not the discovery itself." - Fydor   Dostoyevsky.

** "Give yourself to God. Know that you will serve him from wherever he
places you, and you will have no worries, for all are in God's hands."

** "Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that
comes from bad judgment."

** "The breath of divine knowledge is the bellows of divine love, and
the flame of divine love is the perfection of divine knowledge." -
Quarles

** "The act of contemplation creates the thing contemplated." - Isaac
D'Israeli

** "Go to your bosom; Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth
know." - Shakespeare

** "Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your
belief will help create the fact." - William James

** "Love is but another name for that inscrutable presence by which the
soul is connected with humanity." - William Simms

** "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to
do, something to love, and something to hope for." - Addison

**   "Who sees all beings in his own Self, and his own Self in all beings,
loses all fear." - Upanishads

** "To talk goodness is not good... Only to do it is." - Chinese Proverb

** "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually
fearing you will make one." - Elbert Hubbard

** "A fool always finds some greater fool to admire him." - Nicholas
Boileau

** "Men do not fail; they give up trying." - Elihu Root
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

  060501-2054
  Ref: Matthew 19: 20.  The young man said to Him, “All these things I have
kept from my youth.  What do I still lack?”  Jesus said to him, “God sell
all
that you have and give it to the poor…  When the young man heard this he went
away sorrowful…
   
  When I was just a teenager, I would give my Dad such a hard time.  I treated
him as if he had a two digit IQ, and the great ME, knew everything there was
to know about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go.  I set myself up
with ideals that were all of my own making, but, in truth, all I was really
doing was mimicking the attitudes and talk that I had heard from my peers. 
Now,
there is not a day goes by that I remember how truly great my Dad was.  I
would pay any amount of money just to hear one word from him today.  And I know
what that word would be.  “Good job Son, I am with you all the way.”  I
always
knew that my Dad was in my corner; win, lose, or draw.
   
  Jesus set our ideals, and at first people are fascinated and willingly and
eagerly accept them.  But then they find out there is a level they cannot
easily reach without some form of death to the self.  Many a person will run to
except him and eagerly studied the gospels and attempt to walk this walk without
realizing that their life must change and they hit a brick wall of their own “
ideals.” Mark explains, “Then they all forsook Him and fled,” (Mark 14:
50).
Why was that, do you think?  What do many say today?  “I tried, I tried very
hard to be like Jesus, to be the ideal Christian, but I just could not rise
above my own Ideals.  I am a good person, I do not do bad things.
   
  I know that I am not Jesus, but I have noticed that when my teaching rises
to a certain level I stop receiving many replies from you all.  I seem to
crossed into that arena that makes many uncomfortable.  Am I wrong? What has
happened?  Well, I cannot speak for you, but whenever I build a
“Stronghold” of my
own ideals and God holds me to a higher standard I wanted to run away.  You
see, I had this religion I called “MY IDEALS” and I felt that I fit into my
house pretty well.  Then God came along and showed me the rout and termites
that
had invaded my perfect house and I began to realize that I could never be
better in any house I had built, so I choose to stop living there.
   
  Someone once said that people are kept away from Jesus Christ by a sense of
honesty as much as by dishonesty; what does Jesus say?  I think that our Lord
would say to the person, “Come to me…and I will give you rest.”  And if
that
person would come, they would realize that Jesus will not tell any person to
work hard at doing your best, but rather to just, ”Surrender to Me,” and I
will make you the ideal that can become a reality in your life.  I will bridge
that gap between what you think is ideal and reality if you will just surrender
to me.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?   **
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

** Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own.
They like other people's.

** A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

** Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see
them.

** They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive
us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

** When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves
and caterpillars.

** They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we
shouldn't step on "cracks."

** They don't say, "Hurry up."

** Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

** They wear glasses and funny underwear.

** They can take their teeth and gums out.

** Grandparents don't have to be smart.

** They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come
dogs chase cats?".

** When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.

** Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

** They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers
with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

** A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE
LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE
DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

** It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their
dog."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Grandma Doesn't Know Everything   **

   Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.  He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and
asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the
same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.  "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with
the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not
called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk
to you!!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++


**   DAFFYNITIONS   **

**   Alcohol: a liquid that will preserve everything except secrets.

**    Bachelor: an unaltered male.

**    Braggart: someone who puts his feats in his mouth.

**    Castanet: primitive fishing method.

**    Coincide: what you should do when it starts to rain.

**    Lawnmower: weapon of grass destruction.

**    Lens Grinder: weapon of glass destruction.

**   Somersault: the opposite of winter pepper.

**   Wrinkle: a small ice skating arena.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WOMAN   **

**   "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

**   "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

**   "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

**   "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's
gotta hurt!"

**   "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

**   "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Commandments 11 through 20   **

11th. Thou shalt not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of
all human activities.

12th. Thou shalt not be fearful, for most of the things we fear
never come to pass.

13th. Thou shalt not cross bridges before you come to them, for no
one has yet succeeded in accomplishing this.

14th. Thou shalt handle only one problem at a time, and leave the
others to the Lord until their turn comes up.

15th. Thou shalt not take troubles to bed with you, for they make
very poor bedfellows.

16th. Thou shalt not try to carry the problems of the world on your
shoulders, for nobody (except for One) has a back that is
broad enough.

17th. Thou shalt be a good listener, for God often speaks to us
through the mouths of others.

18th. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday; for good or ill, it
is forever gone. Live in the now and rejoice in it.

19th. Thou shalt firmly dismiss feelings of frustration, for 90% of
it is rooted in self-pity and will interfere with positive action.

20th. Thou shalt count thy blessings, never overlooking the
smallest, for our biggest blessings are composed of many small ones.

-- Author Unknow
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Questions That Just Need Asking   **   From Andy's Archives

**   How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no
longer a healthy choice?

**   If you want a happy and healthy horse do you have to have a stable
environment?

**   If it weren't for 50 percent of the people would the other 50
percent be everybody?

**   Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?

**   Is it true that God made you a unique individual.... just like
everyone else?

**   Is time really just God's way of keeping everything from happening
at once?


                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Female Golfing Terms   **

**   Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.

**   Double Bogie: "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."

**   Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.

**   Greens: Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.

**   Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.

**   Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.

**   Slice: "No thanks. . .just a sliver." road trip.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Monkey's Disgrace   **
   
  Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
  Discussing things that are said to be;
  Said one to the others, "Now listen you two,
  There's a certain rumor that can't be true:
  That man descended from our noble race,
  The very idea is a disgrace!
   
  "No monkey ever deserted his wife,
  Starved her babies, and ruined her life;
  And you've never known a mother monk,
  To leave her babies with others to bunk,
  Or pass them on from one to the other,
  Till they scarcely know who is their mother.
   
  "And another thing you'll never see,
  A monk build a fence round a coconut tree,
  And let the coconuts go to waste,
  Forbidding all other monks to taste;
  Why, if I put a fence around a tree,
  Starvation will force you to steal from me!
   
  "Here's another thing a monk won't do:
  Go out at night and get in a stew,
  Or use a gun, a club or a knife,
  To take some other dumb monkey's life!
  Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
  but, brother, he didn't descend from us!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Women Speaking Out   **

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd like to have dinner with.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Mother-in-law Story   **

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer genuinely
tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be
a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable to the
farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly
reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her
instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to
the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he
would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious about this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'

The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head
and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'
                                    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Suggested comebacks to unsolicited, persistent telephone sales callers
**

** "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and
I'll call you back later tonight."

** In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What
causes a hiccup?"

** "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners
just got home. Can you hold?"

** When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow
him/her to talk to strangers."

** When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at
the moment. Let me explain . . ."

** "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for
years, but nobody will sell me any!"

** Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services:
(Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last
night! We lost everything!"

** To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a
minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.)

** Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a
Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Tough Questions   **   To Check out YOUR I.Q.   From the files of
Andychap
(Don't Peek or Cheat, but the answers are
at the end of these Questions.)

1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't
use it;   and the user doesn't see it. What is it?

2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to
parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is
not a United States citizen.   How is this possible?

3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was
the highest mountain on Earth?

4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet
her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were
exchanging old war stories.Art Bragg offered one about how his
grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World
War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them   and captured
valuable territory.   After the battle he was presented with
a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring
and   Leadership.World War One. From the Men of Battalion 8."
Captain   Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't
expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the
story?

6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless
of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?

7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall
in the same year?

8. A woman from New York married ten different men
  from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men
died and she never divorced. How was this possible?

9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more
than 1989 American dollar bills?

10. How many times can you subtract the number 5
from 25?

11. A taxi driver was called to take a group of passengers
to the   train station. The station is normally an hour away,
but with traffic being extra heavy, it took a full hour and a
half. On the return trip the traffic was still as heavy and yet
it took only 90 minutes. Why?

12. How could you rearrange the letters in the
words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only
one correct answer.

13. Even if they are starving, natives living in
the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?

14. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg
are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

15. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a
picture of a man   with a wooden leg. Why not?

16. There were an electrician and a plumber
waiting in line for admission to the "International Home
Show".   One ofthem was the father of the other's son.
How could this be possible?

17. After the new Canon Law that took effect on
November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be
allowed to marry his widow's sister?
============================================
============================================

**   The Answers   **

1. a coffin
2. the child was born before 1776
3. Mount Everest, it just hadn't beendiscovered!
4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.
5. World War I wasn't called "World War I"
until World War II.
6. The word "and".
7. They fall in the same year every year,New Year's Day just
arrives very early in the year and Christmas
arrives very late in the same year.
8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace.
9 One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar
bills are worth one   dollar more than one thousand
nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
10. Only once, then you are subtracting it
from 20.
11. An hour and a half IS 90 minutes.
12. "one word"
13. Penguins live in the Antarctic.
14. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.
15. You have to take a picture of a man with a
camera, not with a wooden leg.
16. They were husband and wife.
17. He can't because he's dead.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
******
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
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***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
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Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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********
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Friday and Saturday   4/7-8/2006

ANDYCHAPS THE FUNNIES IS A NO SPAM ZONE:
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Friday and Saturday   4/7-8/2006
***************************************************************
**   Next to the wonder of seeing my Savior will be, I think, the wonder that
     I made so little use of the power of prayer."     -- D. L. Moody

**   Before anything else, above all else, beyond everything else, God loves
us.  God loves us extravagantly, ridiculously, without limit or
condition.    
--Roberta Bondi
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  A seed planted, watered, and cultivated will grow and bear fruit. The
seed whose roots I am searching for with a view to uprooting before it chokes
us,
is a bad seed. Please pray for God’s grace that this kind of thing does not
hinder God’s work within and among us.

**  Once the axe has been laid to the root of the unproductive tree, it is
useless for the branches to start pushing out their withering buds. Faking to
turn to God when judgment is at hand is like trying to swim after the pool has
been emptied. Hurry up in time!

**   Have your identity in God and then dream big. Set goals from your dreams
then make a plan of how to reach the goals. Action you plan to realise your
dream. Lack of vision deprives people of the direction that is in tune with the
move of The Holy Spirit.

**  Disaster befalls any ship that has broken its radar and finds itself in a
storm. With the compass not working and the captain shouting orders to the
crew threatening to mutiny, having lost faith in the captain, only God can save
in such times. How is your ship?

**   Are you Jesus' disciple? Am I Jesus’ disciple? If we are his disciples,
there is only one way that the world will know that we are that. We have to
love one another so that those who are in darkness will understand that the love
of God equalises all. 

**  The clay does not decide what is to be made out of it or whether it is
ready or not. When He sees that it is not good enough, the potter will mould a
new vessel from the same clay in His hands and bring back His glory in His
temple. Yield to the potter.

**  There is nothing God gets you into that you are not equipped to deal
with. Do not be discouraged by the size or shape of a situation. Deal with the
heart of the matter with all your heart and see God's grace carry you through,
as
per His will.

**  Never stop expressing love. Even a couple that is happily married for
years now and then wants to hear the words of the other confirming their love
and
caring. It may take a sickness of one for the other to demonstrate and
articulate their love. I truly love you.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
  By Gilbert M. Mabasa: The Teacher
  mgministries2000@...

***************************************************************
Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"
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"The Funnies"   Friday and Saturday   4/7-8/2006

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **    Friday and Saturday
4/7-8/2006

**  You know you're growing older when . . . You begin to realize that your
parents were right, after all.

**   "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes
on."
-Robert Frost

**   "I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I
hit a bookmark."
-Steven Wright

**  They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.  Why don't we
just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

**   Religion may be regional but faith is universal. Knowing how to worship
God without worshiping God is futile. Christianity is but a religion based on
relationships, with Christians as the living stones constituting the real
Church. Worship God daily.

**  Consider whom you tell what because whoever talks to you  also talks of
you. Keep family matters family. Carelessness may result in believers’ issues
being discussed with non-believers, thereby making the body a total laughing
stock in the community. Be careful.

**   Practice your faith everyday. The Church of Christ is an organism, a
living entity, and not an organisation set up for persons temporarily coming
together once a week for a specific common purpose, only to disperse into
different interests after the act. Arise!

**  Playing with sincere people's emotions is one of Satan's tools. He is the
accuser of the brethren. Declaring, through the email, that who ever deletes
an appeal for support of a racket to make money is heartless is an accusation
I refuse to bow to. Judge well.

**  Though blinded on the gouging out of its eyes by the cruel hands of
humanity at birth, the kitten still covers its dirt behind it. Yet people are so
spiritually blind that they vainly sell their souls to the devil for pittance.
Christ liberates all.

**  Respect yourself and then respect other people. That way respect will
come to you too. Lack of respect for one another leads to the sidelining and
slick division among the members of the body, all the way to the elected
leadership. Respect!

By Gilbert M. Mabasa: The Teacher
  mgministries2000@...
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

  060405-2044-- Holiness Precedes Power
  Ref: Matthew 3:13 - 17 (NIV) 13Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to
be baptized by John.  14But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be
baptized by you, and do you come to me?” 15Jesus replied, “Let it be so
now; it
is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness.” Then John
consented. 16As soon as Jesus was baptized; he went up out of the water. At that
moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove
and
lighting on him.  17And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I
love;
with him I am well pleased.”
   
  From the Scriptures, we are told, that John the Baptist was filled with the
Holy Spirit, “even from his mother’s womb” (Luke 1: 15-17).  We were told
that John’s coming was in the spirit and power of Elijah.  Vast multitudes
left
their cities and towns and went into the wilderness to hear the prophet and be
baptized into repentance in preparation for the Kingdom of God.  No class of
people escaped John’s judgment; soldiers and kings, sinners and religious
leaders alike were all brought into the “valley of decision.”  John’s
baptism was
more than just a simple immersion in water.  He required a public confession
of sins as well as the bringing forth of Righteousness (Matt 3: 6, 8).
   
  Jesus testified that John was “more than a prophet.” Jesus said that, “
there had not arisen any greater than John” (Matt 11 3:7).  John was a
“seer
prophet,” he had open vision into the spirit realm.  He testified that he
“…
beheld the Spirit descending as a dove out of heaven’ (John 1: 32-33).  He
saw “…
the wrath to come” (Matt 3:7).  He witnessed “…the Kingdom of God”
(Matt
3:2).  John had insight into the secrets of men’s hearts, even to penetrating
the
veneer of the well-respected Pharisees; referring to them as a “brood of
vipers
” (Matt 3: 7). 
   
  So it is with us.  Each time Jesus is revealed to us, each time we receive a
revelation of Christ’s purity, and each time Christ’s holiness unfolds
before us, we cannot help but echo the cry of John the Baptist: “I have need
to be
baptized by You!” 
   
  So what can we do?  Our pride and self-confidence keeps us from God’s help,
and the clamor of our ideas and desires drown out the still small Voice of
God.  That is the story of many Christian’s first baby steps.  We attempt to
embrace life in the power of our own strength, thrusting in our own skills for
success and attainment.  Finally, God may have to bring us into grief and
trials
that we are unable to solve through our own strength.  But if He does, it is
because He sees some promise in us. 
   
  Dear friends, too many Christians look for shortcuts to the power of God. 
Shortcuts can only bring on frustration at best, but far worse, it can bring on
a false teacher or prophet.  Listen!  There is only one path to God’s power
and that is through Holiness.  Holiness always precedes Power.  We should
never
presume that we are holy just because God has given us spiritual gifts.  We
may rejoice with human successes, but until we see Christ and abandon our
reliance upon our self-righteousness, all we are is religious.  Jesus is our
only
source of holiness.  Allow God to do the inter work of preparation.  Our job
is
to become open to His holiness.  God has promised to empower that which He
first makes holy.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


**    A New School Day   **

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the
son of a
Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick
Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people,
by the people,
for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who
is new to
our country, knows more abou t its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "To Heck with the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher
glared and asked,
"All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little trouble maker. If
you say anything else,
I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary
Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh! Oh!,
we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! The
Teacher,
just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++


**  Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about  being out late the
night before.   The first man signed to his friend,  "My wife was asleep when
I got home, so I
was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky.  My wife was wide awake,
waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Groaners and we all say together.....GROAN!!!   **   APF:   Mark Mail

** Do forgers write wrongs?

**   If Sir Lancelot dreamed about overthrowing King Arthur, would that be a
Midslumber Knight's Scheme?

**   Watches and clocks are always displayed and sold on a time table.

**   Never use wet wood in your fireplace. You should always let weeping logs
dry.

**   A chicken in love is poultry emotion.

**   Can you buy bottled water at a liquidation sale?

**   Did you hear about the professional chef who gave up baking bread?
Apparently he wasn't making enough dough.

**   Are dog biscuits made out of collie flour?

**   If a cannibal eats a missionary, does he get a taste of religion?

**   Did I tell you about the big winner on "Jeopardy!"? He went home the
next day and his wife said, "Who were those women I saw you outwit last night?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   USELESS INVENTIONS   **  
        
1.  A Pedal powered wheelchair
2.  A black highlighter pen
3.  Glow in the dark sunglasses
4.  Non stick Cellotape
5.  Solar Powered Flash Light
6.  Waterproof sponge
7.  Waterproof Teabags
8.  Inflatable Anchor
9.  Inflatable Dartboard
10. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
11. Silent Alarm Clock
12. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
13. Battery powered Battery Charger
14. Braille Drivers Manual
15. Double sided playing cards
16. Ejector seats for Helicopters
17. Fireproof Matches
18. Fireproof Cigarettes
19. Smooth Sandpaper
20. Hand powered Chainsaw

            another list, same idea ...

-- The water-proof towel
-- Submarine screen doors
-- A book on how to read
-- Inflatable dart boards
-- A dictionary index
-- Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
-- Powdered water
-- Waterproof tea bags
-- Watermelon seed sorter
-- Zero proof alcohol
-- Reuseable ice cubes
-- See-through toilet tissue
-- Skinless bananas
-- Do-it-yourself road map
-- Turnip ice cream
-- Toe implants
-- An all white flag
-- Rolls Royce pickup truck
~~~ASB John:   stroade@...
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  IMPORTANT RECALL NOTICE **   More From Old John Boy Strode

Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being
recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original
prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the
same
defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious
Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."

Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:

[a] Loss of direction

[b] Lack of peace and joy

[c] Depression

[d] Foul vocal emissions

[e] Selfishness

[f] Ingratitude

[g] Fearfulness

[h] Rebellion

[i] Jealousy

The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of
charge to correct the SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus Christ, has most
generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these
repairs.

To repeat, there is no fee required. The number to call for repair in all
areas is:
P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE
procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Christ, into the
heart component of the human unit.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Christ will replace it with:

[a] Love

[b] Joy

[c] Peace

[d] Kindness

[e] Goodness

[f] Faithfulness

[g] Gentleness

[h] Patience

[I] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use
of these fixes.

As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired
units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident
Maintenance Technician, the Holy Ghost. Repaired units need only make Him
welcome
and He will take up residence on the premises.


WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids
the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too
numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being
incinerated.

Thank you for your immediate attention.

Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice!
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Top Ten Employee Rules   **

  1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
  2) If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
 
  3) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
  4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 
  5) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
 
  6) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
 
  7) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
 
  8) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
  9) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
 
  10) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

   MY FRIEND AND I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the
instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this
apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and
"lots of fiber" were among the answers.
     She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded,
"Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid
thirty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden
treat.
     From the back of the room a small voice spoke up: "I'll give you forty
cents for it."

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Pamela
Zmek
===========================

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I
lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a
lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
==========================

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant
task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling
aside their droppings as they walk about.

After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria,
sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging,
then shoveling aside the dung they produce.

My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower
before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and
find something more rewarding to do.You have to have some skills and talents
that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't
give up the glamour of show business!"
========================

Ms Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the
discovery of America by Columbus.  She concluded with, "And all
this happened more than 500 years ago."
   
  "Gosh!" exclaimed Little Johnny, "What a great memory you have!"
========================

  Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's
motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
=========================

While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the
cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving
toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and
return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck at the back of the
toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line
quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the
piece of toast. I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
==========================

My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one
morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.
As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed
the rolls of coins in the back of the register. "Do you
want the rolls too?" she asked.
"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."
=========================

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is
that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and
"Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians!!!  It creates a hostile work environment.
=========================

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.
At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood
to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of
scrap paper.
Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome
with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.
But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm
sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written
down."
Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a
pharmacist in the house?"
==========================

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone
number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his
girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the
call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he
said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he
replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the
past half-hour."
===========================

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that
when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man
next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to
do now!?" The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket
and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.  
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said. The man then
said, "I have another pair -- try these." The speaker tried them
on and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all.
He said, "I have one more pair. Try them." The speaker said, "They
fit perfectly." With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the
man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid.
Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The
man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
==========================


**   NOTES FROM THOUGHTFUL RON   **

  It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive,
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

  My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for
Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning
to show her age.

  I usually get home from the golf cour! se about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

  I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked
grub when I hit that door...

  She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I
can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they
won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
moti! vate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

  Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and
offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much.

  I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt
her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points.

  When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
  She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I te! ll her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

  I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a
little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article,
I
will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on
this earth to help each other... Signed, Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his
backside,
with only 2 inches of grip showing... His wife Julie was arrested, but the
all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it
very suddenly.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   What The Teacher Says and What She Realy Means   **

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information
from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
   
  2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
   
  3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with
fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
   
  4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
   
  5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
   
  6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
   
  7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment
she creates a class argument).
   
  8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).
   
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
   
  10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
   
  11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
   
  12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and
must repeat the 8th grade).
   
  13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

** My Philosophy of Housecleaning   **

I don't do windows because...I love birds and don't
want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because...I am terrified a guest will
slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible
( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because...They are very
good company, I have named most of them, and they
agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because...I want every
creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because...I love all the seasons
and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because...I don't want
to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!

I don't put things away because...My husband will
never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to
make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because...I choose to believe them when
they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because..."A Type"
personalities die young and I want to stick around
and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**  GOT TO LOVE TENNESSEE   **

A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved
widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
--------
How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel? When you call the
front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink", and the clerk replies, "Go
ahead."
--------
How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
--------
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to
32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
--------
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Tennessee? Documentaries.
--------
Where was the toothbrush invented? Tennessee. If it had been invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
--------
A Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-65 and says to the driver,
"Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "About wut?"
--------
Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets
$3.00 a year for a million years.
--------
The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the
whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in
flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  ******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

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This mailing is not sent unsolicited.   If you are receiving it, it is
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If for any reason you need to change your mailing address just
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**************************************************************************
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
to own any copyright privileges to them.   The work was sent as an item for
the mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
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***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
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Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
Items. If you sign up for their list... BE WARNED... do so at your own risk.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*
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===================================================
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

*****
**   Friday and Saturday 3/24-25/2006
***
****
*****
Dear Friends and Subscribes to The Funnies.
      I must apologize for this being so late but I hope it was worth the
lateness to you.   I had an awful lot of stuff going on and I kept on getting
behind.   Without a lot of details, I must say that I am glad that we have 2
drivers again in our family.   My wife is out of the cast and walking boot and
can
"almost" go where she wants again (unless she needs me for support).   Other
things have had me down and under for a while too but I hope that today I have
made it over the top.   Soooo on with The Funnies and Inspirational.

      Still Shalom Always
~~~Andy

******

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Friday and Saturday 3/24-25/2006
***************************************************************
**  You cannot add to the peace and good will of the world if you fail to
create an atmosphere of harmony and love right where you live and
work. -- Thomas Dreier
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  It is through work that what God put in us as potential can be released.
Yet there is need to rest so as to refresh or recreate the source of energy in
our bodies or our implements. We must live to work and not work to live. Time
to sleep is yet to come.
   
**  The excitement of labour is in seeing the fruit of that labour and the
beauty of God’s law is that you always reap more than you sow. As you reach
out
to more people for God’s work, your due reward will follow you as God fulfills
His word to you.

**  The Spirit of God contends with the spirit of falsehood. The devil that
is the accuser of the brethren has no shame at all and so publicly fabricates
lies against God’s children because he detests seeing them provided for. Be
sure of your place in God.

**   The heavens declare the beauty and majesty of God Almighty. Creation
testifies of His holiness. Nature is a continuously revised book that testifies
of the wonder of the creator. When God reigns He needs no temple to live in,
except your heart.

**  God’s pure love for you has nothing at all to do with your numbers. It
has to do with His promise before you were even born. He will always be there
for you even when you are not there for Him. What you know about God is void if
God does not know you.

**  It is an insult to the creator who gave two ears to each being when
anyone hears the word but does not apply it. Those who implement sound teaching
are
assured of security in their lives and peace of mind all the time. Hear and
employ the word.

**  Though the anointed is temporarily out of position that does not take
away the anointing. He who comes to fulfill the condition does not remove that
condition.  Be sure of your standing before God and work according to your
divine calling this day.

**  The enemy is so subtle that he usually uses those close to you to get at
you. Since he cannot create or kill, he will employ your tools to topple you.
Therefore be careful of where you put your trust and refuse to be abused by
Satan against   your   own    people

**  Just because she is not a son does not mean to say she has no right to
the heritage. In Jesus Christ all became sons of God and so are joint heirs with
Jesus. Before God Almighty, there is no male or female but those equally
called and  saved   to   serve.
   
**  I delight in being loved just as Jesus Christ also wanted to be loved. Do
not brag and pretend not to have a desire to be loved because only the devil
does not delight in being loved. It pleases God that we love one another as He
is love that gives freely.
   
© Gilbert M Mabasa: The Teacher
      mgministries2000@...
***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"
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"The Funnies"         Friday and Saturday 3/24-25/2006

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**   "Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children
to come back home."   -Bill Cosby

**  If you want to be successful, it's just this simple: Know what you're
doing. Love what you're doing. And believe in what you're doing.
-- Will Rogers

**  The people that get on in this world are the people that get up and look
for the circumstances that they want; and if they can't find them, they make
them.
-- George Bernard Shaw

**  The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

**  The best way to predict the future is to create it!
-- Jason Kaufmann

**  Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger
-- Unknown

**   The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive
of the environment in which you first find yourself.
-- Mark Caine

**   The future is simply infinite possibility waiting to happen. What it
waits on is human imagination to crystallize its possibility.
-- L. Kaiser

**  There is not a heart but has its moments of longing, yearning for
something
better, nobler, holier than it knows now.     --Henry Ward Beecher

**  A friend and I were driving to a mall when we came to a bridge under
construction. 
The road narrowed to one lane, with a light at either end.  We stopped at the
red light
on our side, and when it turned green, we started up again.
Halfway through, we met another car coming toward us.  The driver leaned out
his window
and shouted,  "I don't back up for idiots!"
     Putting the car into reverse, my friend called back, "No problem!  I
do!"

**  Some people kiss with their eyes closed.  Too bad they also marry the
same way.

**   Did you ever notice when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together it
spells "THEIRS"?
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

  060320-2037
  Ref: 2 Corinthians 10: 4-6.  For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal
but mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds, casting down arguments
and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing
every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ and being ready to
punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.
   
  The Apostle Paul was well aware of what strongholds and arguments were.
 Paul knew what it meant to exalts himself against the will and knowledge of
God?”
  Paul (then Saul) knew without a doubt that, what he was doing in the
suppression of these “Christians,” was his calling, and he was dead wrong.
   
  So what are strongholds?  Strongholds are those notions, habits, actions
and/or beliefs that we ourselves, construct, anchor and protect within our soul.
 We may believe, just like Paul, that these strongholds are God’s will OR we
may also know that they are totally against God’s will but, we rationalize
that
it is just one little imperfection that God in the end will forgive.  
   
  When this happens, these strongholds become a mini-god, and we feel totally
helpless against them. Many of these strongholds will need exorcised by
spiritual men using the weapons of spiritual warfare that God has equipped the
Body
of Christ through the Holy Spirit to deal with. None of these things are
outside the body; in fact, the warfare that is occurring is within the soul. 
   
  What are arguments?  They are defense lines that we put up around our
strongholds that deter any serious encroachment on these beliefs or
activities.  Let’
s say you have a stronghold called “Smoking.”  The first line of defense is
a sentry, which upon learning of the thought of your quitting, runs forward
and whispers, “You can't quit, it’s just impossible, it’s just too
difficult.”
  The second line of defense is another sentry and he runs up and whispers, “
You must seek an easier way, there are worldly ways that are much easier that
can help.”  The third line of defense tells you to use your own
self-will-power
and the next sentry will accuse you of being weak-willed and brings back in
the first sentry to start you over again.  And then there is a very serious
stronghold called, “Pornography.”  This stronghold usually has very thick
walls
and is deeply fortified and defended.  This stronghold will make a believer
defy God and the Cross.
   
  Paul says to “Glean your thinking,” (Phil 4:8).  Never submit to the
tyrannous idea that you cannot look after your own mind.  You can, but we have
to
arouse ourselves to bring “every thought into captivity to the obedience of
Christ.”  Ruthlessly grip them on the threshold of our mind and allow no more
of
it.  Having truly received the Holy Spirit, you will find the power to bring
“
every thought into captivity,” but never fail to call out for help before,
during and after, you need it.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Guys Rules For Women   **

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the
guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"From the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered
"1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ..

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Priorities   **    (By Bessie Flint)   APF:   ChristianReading@...

-
Man strives from morning till night,
for things that their money can buy.
At the end of a long, wearisome day,
they’ll then exhale, an exhausted sigh.
-
One more day gone never to return,
a day spent on things that will decay.
Not once during that precious time,
giving thanks, nor kneeling to pray.
-
Man is born in selfish, greedy flesh,
needing guidance, from God above.
Destined to fail in a lost dying world,
perhaps never knowing, God’s love.
-
There’ll be a time when we’re liable,
for all the sin our flesh brings about.
Through the door of his holy grace,
we can find what life is really, about.
-
It is not how much we can acquire,
things bought, with silver and gold.
For life is measured, upon our faith,
merits from God, are given to hold.
-
They will endure through centuries,
and their value will never fade away.
They pass through fire, undamaged
they’ll last for an eternity, and a day.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   ONE Liners   **    From Rec Barker:
Joke-Of-The-Day@...
  1. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
    Frostbite.
  2. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
      A Nervous Wreck.
  3. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
    Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?
  4. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
    Right Where You Left Him.
  5. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
    Because They Have Big Fingers.
  6. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
    Because It Scares The Dog.
  7. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
    Sanka.
  8. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
    The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
  9. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
    Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
  10. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
     A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
  11. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
     Somebody's Gonna' Lose A Trailer.
                               ++++++++++++++++++

**   GOLF EXPLETIVE   **
  Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he
sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!"
again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occured and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the
green only six inches from the hole!
"Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead
of going in.
"HOOVER!!!!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and
asked why the priest said "Hoover"."It's the biggest dam I know."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   You know it's going to be   a BAD DAY when...   **

** You wake up face down on the pavement.
 
** You jump out of bed in the morning
and miss the floor.
 
** You turn on the morning news, and they're showing
emergency routes out of your city.
   
** Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
 
** You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
 
** The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
 
** Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of
Hell's Angels on the freeway.
 
** You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team
waiting in your outer office.
 
** Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that its
almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

** Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
 
** Your pet rock snaps at you.
 
** Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
 
** You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke,
and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
 
** Your income tax refund check bounces.
  
** Your doctor tells you that you're
allergic to chocolate.
 
** Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   WISDOM   **

There are four kinds of people: Those who know not, and know not that
they know not. These are foolish. Those who know not, and know they
know not. These are the simple, and should be instructed. Those who
know, and know not that they know. These are asleep; wake them. Those
who know, and know they know. These are the wise; listen to them.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Sharing   **

Woman: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Man: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Woman: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   My Obituary   **

Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each
other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their
relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or
personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning
paper and turns to the Obits page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the
column. He realizes that the query or info on him by the local
newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event.
He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their
database, premature and erroneous..

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up
yet?"
Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning
already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul,
where are you calling me from right now?"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Army Basic Training   **

During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to
spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We
arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from
our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged
through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal
appearance frequently left much to be desired.

The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the
mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a
camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girl," he
said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Definition Of A Tupperware Party   **

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Eli noticed
that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I
told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."   This
explanation satisfied him for only a moment.

Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a
simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well,   Eli,
" I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around
and sell plastic bowls to each other."   Eli nodded, indicating
that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into
laughter.

"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++

**   I'm Medically Restricted   **

As Bill grew old, physicians greatly restricted his activities, and
it irked him enormously. A nurse had been hired to tend to his needs
as he had now been confined to total bed rest.

"Nurse, I would like to do some reading," Bill said.

"Fine," the nurse replied, "What kind of reading would you like? A
magazine, a book?"

"Well with the way the doctors have limited my activities," he
replied, "Why don't you just bring me a postage stamp."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  **   Daffynitions   **

     1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just
     after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

     2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
     into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

     3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that
     stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
     unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
     future.

     4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders
     the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

     5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a
     grub in the fruit you're eating.

     6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the
     day consuming only things that are good for you.

     7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
     smarter when you come at them rapidly.

     8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel
     you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as
     an E-T-ry.

     9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its
     environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which
     has made a meal of many species.

     10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie
     about yourself that leads to sex.

     11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art
     companies dwell without funding.

     12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

     13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
     which lasts until you realize it was your money to start
     with.

     14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move
     relatives who come to visit.

     15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your
     head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
                                    ++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Greatest   **

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the
backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the
greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled.   Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air.   When it came down he swung again and
missed.   "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.   He
spit on his hands and rubbed them together.   He straightened his cap and
said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.   He
missed.   "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world
=========================================
~~As Posted In:   Bills Punch Line~~~
TO SUBSCRIBE TO BILL'S PUNCH LINE:    Send a blank e-mail to:
<mailto:bills-punch-line-subscribe@yahoogroups.com>
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   How's your Job At...   **

Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell.

Q. How's your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.

Q. How's your job on the new highway?
A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

Q. How's your job at the travel agency?
A. I'm going nowhere.

Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin!

Q. How's your job at the lemon juice company?
A. I've had bitter jobs.

Q. How's your job at the pie company?
A. It didn't pan out.

Q. How's your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can't keep up with inflation.

Q. How's your job at the crystal ball company?
A. I'm making a fortune.

Q. How's your job at the history book company?
A. There's no future in it.

Q. How's your job on the farm?
A. Problems keep cropping up.

Q. How's your job at the sewing shop?
A. Hanging on by a thread.

Q. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
A. I have clear job objectives.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   THE Swindle   **

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it.   Fifty people swindled!   Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front
page.   Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about
fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Quick... Get Your Mother   **

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls
that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is
this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I
havenever seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Quick! Go get your mother."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

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You can remove yourself from this list at anytime.

This mailing is not sent unsolicited.   If you are receiving it, it is
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If for any reason you need to change your mailing address just
unsubscribe your old mailing address and subscribe your new
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**************************************************************************
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
to own any copyright privileges to them.   The work was sent as an item for
the mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
piece is known, credit will always be given.   Items are published on a first

received basis.

***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
give them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.
Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
Items. If you sign up for their list... BE WARNED... do so at your own risk.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*
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===================================================
*
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*
* * * Andychap@... * * *
*
*
*
*


Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

*********
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**   Just for You for Saint Patrick's Day   **

  * Continual cheerfulness is a sign of wisdom.
  * A change of work is as good as a rest.
  * Trouble hates nothing as much as a smile.
  * A good retreat is better than a bad stand.
  * Time is a great story teller.
  * The work praises the man.
  * There is light at the end of the tunnel.
  * You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind.
  * A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.
  * Reputations last longer than lives.
  * Don't postpone a good deed.
  * Making the beginning is one third of the work.
  * If God shuts one door, he opens another
  This is Rex Barker, CS (Catching the Shamrock (with 4 leaves of course))
wishing you all a Happy St. Patricks' Day. By The Way, the giant New York 5th
Avenue parade is just outside our front door.
=========================================================================

**    Irish Olympics    **
  An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the
opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way
in
at the gate.
Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a
stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came
upon construction site, which gave him an idea.

Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said,
"Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came
up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said,
"McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when
he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself
at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing!"

**   More Irish Funnies   **
  A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between
Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor.

"Okay," says the drunk, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
  The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man.
  "Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
  "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's,
but it's a long time between New Year's to Christmas!"

**   Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's
obituary.
  She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he
remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him
for
his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars.
  But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old
Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words. Mrs. Pete Monaghan
thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale."

***************************************************************
**   "Bad behavior by others  doesn't entitle you to invent your own
behavior,"
ethicist. Kenneth Goodman of the University of Miami
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**   In waiting we begin to get in touch with the rhythms of life—stillness
and
action, listening and decision. They are the rhythms of God. It is in the
everyday and the commonplace that we learn patience, acceptance, and
contentment.     --Richard J. Foster

**  As nightfall does not come at once, neither does  
oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight  
when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such  
twilight that we all must be most aware of change in  
the air - however slight - lest we become unwitting  
victims of the darkness.  --Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas  

**   THE NEXT GROUP THAT FOLLOWS COMES FROM GILBERT MABAZSA. THE TEACHER.
HE IS FROM ZIMBABWE, AFRICA.   TO CONTACT HIM PLEASE WRITE USING THE BELOW
E-MAIL ADDRESS.
                                              mgministries2000@...

**   Life is not a matter of doing good works in the name of Jesus without
knowing or having a relationship with Jesus. It is not how much one knows about
Jesus that saves that person. It is when the person knows Jesus as the Lord
that he or she is saved.

**   Humble yourself before God if you want the highest uplifting, from God.
Pride and arrogance will draw you to less dependence on God and more
dependence on your own strength and plans. Recognise that without God you are
absolutely useless.

**  Without Christ one is like a driver caught up in the fast lane of a one
way highway, knowing he is in the wrong direction but failing to get out of the
highway. He must keep moving, getting further from his destination and
running out of fuel. Believe.

**  Truthfully answer these five questions at any stage of your life and be
assured to be on your way to success. Who am I? Where am I from? Why am I here?
Where am I going? How do I get there? It begins with you having your identity
in the source. Begin in God.

**  When God gives you milk teeth, He will keep them for you. When He allows
them to fall, He has better teeth to replace them with. God will keep what is
His. If you get yourself dentures then keep them for yourself. Do not involve
God in your plans.

**  Your liking me depends on what you think of me. What you think of me
depends on what I have or do not have. What you think of me depends on what you
have heard of me. What you think of me depends on the state of your mind. Love
is different.

**  The teacher learns more from the student if the teacher knows what to
look out for. The teacher has to learn different ways of teaching the same
concept to different students or teaching different concepts to the same
student. I
always learn how to learn.

**  What are you? Some people make the news. Some people write the news. Some
people read the news. Some people hear the news. Some people show the news.
Some people see the news. Some people follow the news. Some people are lost.
Jesus is The News.

**  God bless you and all your loved ones. We must never forget praying for
one another. Pray even for those who may have reason to think ill of us. Do not
take your hands off the plough once you have started, until you have finished
the course.


***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"
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==================================================

"The Funnies"        Friday and Saturday   3/17 - 18/ 2006

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**  "Some people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good
judgement!"

**  The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

**  "A college jock is someone who minds his build instead
of vice versa!"

**  "The only advantage to living in the past is that the
rents are much cheaper!"

**  "Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind
change places!"

**  Things that make you go Hmmm....
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

**  "Instructions For Life"
Be ruthlessly realistic when it comes to your finances.

**  TEACHER to Little Jimmy, "why do you always get so dirty?"
"Little Jimmy replied, "I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are."

**  "A true friend is one who overlooks your failures
and tolerates your successes."   -- Doug Larson 
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

  060303-2031 Ref: John 14: 17.  The Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot
receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him… & 15:
18-19. If the world hates you, you know that it hated ME before it hated you. 
If
you were of the world, the world would love its own.  Yet because you are not
of the world… the world hates you.

    When the Bible exhorts us to “Walk in the Light;” that does not mean
that
you should walk in the light of your own convictions. The Light of this world
is still Jesus.  It is not obedience to some standard that matters more to
you than to God.  The World does not object to a person becoming outwardly
holy?  It’s OK to clean the church, or serve as an elder, or join Habitat for
Humanity, etc.  People will applaud your dedication and they may even recognize
your efforts.  You could be admired and even invited to speak at public
functions, and all of those efforts can be very good.  However, if you become
personally and completely devoted to Jesus Christ in a personal relationship, or
if
your desire is to inwardly seek for His total sanctification; be very careful,
for you have put yourself into a position that the World does not accept.  The
World does not accept the truth about sin, and sooner or later, you will become
despised and rejected, and, in time, persecuted for your faith.
   
  You see my “Dear friends;” it is so much easier to work for God than to
believe in Him with all your heart, with all you mind, and with all your soul. 
It is much easier, for example, to have a “Fall Fair” or a “Chicken
Barbeque”
than to learn about faith giving, fasting, and prayer.  Why; because people,
even within your own church, will object to anyone who seeks the Spirit of
Truth and looks deeper into becoming totally committed to Jesus Christ. 
Holiness
and purity are not obedience to any standard, but are a result of the
unconscious and natural characteristics of the indwelling Holy Spirit.  No one
can
imitate either of them.
   
  What a man is, is what he his on his knees.  It is not what he does, nor has
done, or hopes to do that will be judged.  A man will be judged for what he
is.  This week I have sought to encourage you to walk as close to the holiness
of Jesus and to embrace His character as the Lord empowers you to do so
through His Holy Spirit. 
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   What Money Cannot Buy   **

A college student was refused admission to an "ethics"
class because it was filled. Trying to outwit the system,
he went to the Dean saying, "Sir, I need this class for
graduation. My Dad is a very wealthy person and will pay
you anything to get me enrolled."

In a very stern but compassionate voice, the Dean said,
"It appears you, probably, need 'ethics'  more than anyone
enrolled. Yet, a valuable lesson to learn here, is money
cannot buy culture or refinement, and money cannot by
'class." -- Lawrence Brotherton
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   THE  YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005   **
(Andy says... I cannot vouch for the veracity and/or the accuracy of these,
but it's just that my wife's cousin Shirley sent this to me.   She has been
wanting to see her name in the Funnies forever. And this is a way for her to do
it, so... why don't each of you that read this write to Shirley:
tsfritsche@...   and tell her that you know what she did and why she did
it.   This
should bring a big puzzled look accross her face.   Just to make it
interesting, I will not even tell her I am going to do this.)   And now as
Jackie Gleason
used to say... "And away we go!""

**   Crack  Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine  that!]

**   Something  Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no,  really?]

**   Police  Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's  taking things a bit far!]

**   Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly! ughly!]

**   Panda  Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what  a guy!]

**   Miners  Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothing'  lazy so-and-sos!]

**   Juvenile  Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see  if that works any better than a fair trial!]

**   War  Dims Hope for Peace
[I  can see where it might have that effect!]

**   If  Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  
[you  think?!]

**   Cold  Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who  would have thought!]

**   Enfield(London) Couple  Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they  may be on to something!]

**   Red  Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you  mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]  

**   Man  Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
[he  probably IS the  battery charge!]

**   New  Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
[weren't  they fat enough?!]

**   Astronaut  Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's  what he gets for eating those beans!]

**   Kids  Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste  like chicken?]

**   Local High  School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw  Massacre all over again!]

**   Hospitals  are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy,  are they tall!]
And  the winner is....

**   Typhoon  Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  LETTER FROM A FARM KID   **    (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego,
Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...
practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by
the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far
as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet
and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Price Of Produce   **

A woman was shopping for fresh vegetables at a roadside stand. She picked up
some ripe tomatoes and asked the price.
"Ninety-nine cents a pound," answered the owner.
"What? The stand down the road only charges seventy-nine cents a pound!" she
exclaimed.
"Then why don't you shop there?"
"They don't have any."
"Well, when I don't have any I charge seventy-nine cents, too!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
==================  
   
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the
Catskills.
They were sitting on the verandah one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these
pesky
wicker chairs."
==================

My son Earl is a construction foreman. One day he
tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall
by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way
down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to
continue working. Then he noticed his co-workers
holding up hastily made signs reading, 9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.
===================

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him
to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the
manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby
place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first
name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in
authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith,
Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr.
Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
=========================

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
=========================

    Fascinated by her new pet kitten, little Jamie played with it day and
night. The cat soon became exhausted, and curled up beside the fireplace to
sleep. Comforted by the warmth, the animal began to purr.
      Screaming, Jamie ran into the bedroom. "Mommy, Mommy, come quickly! The
kitty's beginning to boil!"
=========================

      When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the
doctor
said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

    "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the
Heavens and the Earth . . ."
===========================
      "Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half,
double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age
of their best friend." 
===========================
      After suffering through years of his wife's godawful coffee, the man
spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
      Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, " Here they are!"
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked. "Grounds for divorce." Yuk! Yuk!
Yuk!

The three above were from my good frield   "OLD John Boy Strode!"
===========================

There was a fire one night at a convent and several
retired nuns who lived on the fourth floor were trapped
by the fire. They were praying for the Lord to show them
a way out of the fire when one of the sisters screamed,
"We need to take off our robes, tie them together and
climb down to safety." Later as they were recounting the
event to reporters, they were  asked if they were afraid
of the crude rope breaking.

"Oh, no," they said. "You see, old habits are hard to break."
===========================

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out
the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit
from the youngsters rules that their parents might
give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go
out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied,
"Order something cheap."
==========================

  The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to
catch up with  his regiment.  Suddenly his horse stumbled
and pitched him to the ground. 
In the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching
enemy, the cavalryman called out: 
"All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and
fell off the other side.  Once again on the ground, he called to
the heavens: 
"All right, just half of you this time!"
==========================

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I
know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what
the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father.  "So, Son, what does the Bible  mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy.  It stands for 'Basic Information Before
Leaving Earth.'"
=========================

**   LOVE FROM OLD BOY JOHN STRODE**

LOVE
      Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in
love three times," one friend says.
    "How so?" his friend asks.
    "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing  to do
with
me."
    "Was that not love?" his friend asks.
    "No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply
cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
    "Was that not love?"
    "No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard
a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great
conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this
strange
sensation in the pit of my stomach."
    "Was that not love?" his friend asks.
    "No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   South Pacific Huts   **

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming
from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the
shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad
you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see
THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in
another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++

**  Where are we headed   **

In case you needed further proof that the
Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are
some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A
WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

2. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS -
USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

3. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

4. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

5. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING:
KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Who are they to tell me what to do with my
kids?)

6. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas
lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE
ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

7. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO
BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

8. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING -
CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain   nuts?)

9. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT
NUTS.   (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

10. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT
ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of
consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

11. On a child's superman costume - WEARING
OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE
YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal
childhood fantasy!)

12. On some frozen dinners: SERVING
SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

13. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

14. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT
IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

15. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

16. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY
CAUSE DROWSINESS.(Duh!)
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  You Might be a Preacher if....   **

  - You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you
were
- You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what
you're preaching on Sunday
- A church picnic is no picnic
- You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times
- It's Sunday, but Monday's coming!
- Instead of getting "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
- You've ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion
- You'd rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed.
- You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's neck.
- Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
- You've ever stretched the truth at a funeral.
- You've ever suffered anxiety attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit.
- You get your second wind when you say "And in conclusion..."
- The ideas you bounce off board members really do.
- You've seen more religion at a pool hall than you've seen at a Church
Softball Game.
- Your Bible has more side notes than printed text.
- You jiggle all the toilet handles before you leave the church building.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++**

**   Be More Polite   **

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the
waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak
for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be
polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you
want, right?"
                                              +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Taking it With You   **

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved
because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able
to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be
able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take
your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel
reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to
take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest
suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to
greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you
can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag,
but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "Why did you bring
paving stones?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Things Not to Say on a Date   **
There are many of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a
date:

** - "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this
2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

** - "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol
and penicillin."

** - "I used to come here all the time with my ex."

** - "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to
consider it."

** - "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on
the answering machine every hour."

** - "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be, I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

** - "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher
will cut that part off for you if you ask."

** - "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am."  
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**   12 Ways to Reduce Your Counseling Load   **

Not every pastor enjoys counseling. But other than by skipping town, how can
you decrease the demand? Here, based on specious clinical research, are a
dozen methods guaranteed to keep counseling off your to-do list.

1. Don't put a door on your office.

2. Sing songs such as "Put On a Happy Face" and "Don't Worry; Be Happy" to
counselees.

3. Step out of the office and start laughing uproariously.

4. Tell the counselee that although you can't figure out a solution to the
problem, you'll bring it up in the sermon on Sunday and see if anybody has any
ideas.

5. Casually catch up on your reading while counselees bare their deepest
problems.

6. Tell the counselee you are videotaping the session for replay on the local
cable program: Candid Clergy.

7. Put a bumper sticker on your car: "I'd rather not be counseling."

8. Refer them to a helpful article in your favorite professional journal: the
National Enquirer.

9. Suggest counseling by fax machine.

10. In front of the counselee, phone your spouse and ask for his or her
opinion on what to do.

11. Recite tales of people who are a lot worse off, and call the counselee a
crybaby.

12. Engage the counselee's mother-in-law as a co-therapist.

—Paul Bailey in Leadership, Vol. 10, no. 4.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Question ofClubs that You, Well ..."WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ??"   **

** The Yoko club?
        Oh no.

**   The German philosophy club?
        I. Kant.

**   The Ford-Nixon club?
        Pardon me?

**   The Arafat club?
        Yessir.

**   The Ebert movie club?
        Roger.

**   The Groucho Marx club?
        You bet your life.

**   The Peter Pan club?
        Never. Never.

**   The Japanese theater club?
        Noh.

**   The quarterback club?
        I'll pass.

**   The Rhett Butler club?
        I don't give a darn. (edited by Andy)

**   The compulsive rhymers club?
        Okey-dokey.

**   The Spanish optometrists club?
        Si.

**   The anti-perspirant club?
        Sure.

**   The pregnancy club?
        Conceivably.

**   The procrastinators club
        Maybe next week

**   The Self-Esteem Builders
        They probably will not accept me anyway

**   The Agoraphobics Society
        Only if they meet at my house

**   The Co-Dependence Club
        Can I bring a friend?

**   The Prayer Group
        God willing!
APF: Aikens long joke
                               ================================

**  ******
Disclaimer:
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
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please
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***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
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Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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***************************************************************
**   "The failure to return thanks for definite blessings received is a
manifestation of ingratitude that grieves Jesus Christ." - R. A. Torre
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**   In waiting we begin to get in touch with the rhythms of life—stillness an
d
action, listening and decision. They are the rhythms of God. It is in the
everyday and the commonplace that we learn patience, acceptance, and
contentment.     --Richard J. Foster

**   Where there is pain, let there be softening.  Where there is bitterness,
let there be acceptance. Where there is silence, let there be communication. 
Where there is loneliness, let there be friendships. Where there is despair,
let there be hope.    --Ruth Eiseman      APF Pearls:   Larryb1939@...

**   "People are like tea bags, you have to put them in hot water before you
know how strong they are"    -Anon.

**   Forgiving means to pardon the unpardonable.  
Faith means believing the unbelievable.  
And hoping means to hope when things are hopeless.  
--G.K. Chesterton  

**   Learn to be strong but not rude. It is an extra step you
must take to become a powerful, capable leader with a wide
range of reach.   Some people mistake rudeness for strength.
It's not even a good substitute.   ~~~Jim Rohn

**  Develop humor without folly. That's important for a leader.
In leadership, we learn that it's okay to be witty, but not
silly.   It's okay to be fun, but not foolish.   ~~~~Jim   Rohn

**  The Following Are From Gilbert, The Teacher of:
mgministries2000@...
       
  While the mind reasons and hence can have understanding of how all material
things function, the heart feels and is not subject to rationale. God searches
the heart and judges according to his divine standard. Do not deceive
yourself by trying to reason with the heart. Believe in Him.

**   None are so dumb as those who, though with lips, yet will not but even
speak for themselves. Notwithstanding why they will not speak for themselves,
those who can and are in a position to speak must speak up for those who cannot
do so. Use your precious position responsibly.

**    I can only share with you from my experience and faith but cannot drink
water for the quenching of your thirst. Neither can I dive into the pool of
water for the cleansing of your body. Only you can believe in your heart that
Jesus is the Son of God and be saved. I have shared!


***************************************************************

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==================================================

"The Funnies"

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**   God made you so you could share in His creation, could love
  and laugh and know Him.    ~~~~~~ --Ted Griffin

**  A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself
under control. - Proverbs 29:11

**  "The circumstances of life, the events of life, and the people around me
in life, do not make me the way I am, but reveal the way I am" [Dr. Sam
Peeples].

**   "Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue."
-Dilbert

**  "The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy."

**  "I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only
longer." -- Albran

**  "Security is not the meaning of my life. Great opportunities are
worth the risk." - Shirley Hufstedler

**  To cultivate kindness is a valuable part of the business of life." -
Johnson

**  "Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know
where we can find information upon it." - Samuel Johnson


**  "We must laugh before we are happy, for fear we die before we laugh
at all." - Jean De La Bruyère
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>


  060306- 2031 
  Song of Solomon 4: 10.  How delightful is your love… How much more pleasing
is your love than wine.  (Love, so beautiful but so scary.)
   
  In the past several days this nation is experiencing a heart that is
breaking.  Perhaps we are learning something we did not know about ourselves. 
We are
finding something that is of more value than our day-by-day pursuits.  We sit
by our TV and stare in unbelief at what mankind is capable of doing.
   
  No pain could be greater or longer lasting than when you lose a loved one
either in death or rejection in life.  When you love someone there is always
that risk of loosing them.  To loose someone is to break ones heart. To break
ones heart there is pain.  To feel pain, often one entertains thoughts of never
getting that close to anyone again.  We want to protect ourselves from
experiencing that pain again.  There was a time that I went for years without
ever
shedding a tear.  I would not trust myself to love anyone else as close.  Yet
today, I find myself weeping openly when I feel the grief in prayer or the pain
of hopelessness of loved ones in trouble.
   
  C. S. Lewis said it best: “To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love
anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung out and broken.  If you want
to make
sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one not even a
pet.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all
entanglements; lock it up in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in
that
casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change.  It will not be
broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable....  The
only
place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of
love... is Hell.”
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Internet Addict's Recovery Program   **

1.  Interhave a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I
used to, before the Internet.
  2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
  3) I will get dressed before noon.
  4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner
before even thinking of the Internet.
  5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and
family that are Internet-deprived.
  6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
  7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
  8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to
turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
  9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
  10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is
necessary or not.
  11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my
checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
  12) Last, but not least, I will net Addict's Recovery Program
  1) I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will
always be there tomorrow!


**   THE  YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005   **
(Andy says... I cannot vouch for the veracity and/or the accuracy of these,
but it's just that my wife's cousin Shirley sent this to me.   She has been
wanting to see her name in the Funnies forever. And this is a way for her to do
it, so... why don't each of you that read this write to Shirley:
tsfritsche@...   and tell her that you know what she did and why she did
it.   This
should bring a big puzzled look accross her face.   Just to make it
interesting, I will not even tell her I am going to do this.)   And now as
Jackie Gleason
used to say... "And away we go!""

**   Crack  Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine  that!]

**   Something  Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no,  really?]

**   Police  Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's  taking things a bit far!]

**   Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly! ughly!]

**   Panda  Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what  a guy!]

**   Miners  Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothing'  lazy so-and-sos!]

**   Juvenile  Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see  if that works any better than a fair trial!]

**   War  Dims Hope for Peace
[I  can see where it might have that effect!]

**   If  Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  
[you  think?!]

**   Cold  Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who  would have thought!]

**   Enfield(London) Couple  Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they  may be on to something!]

**   Red  Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you  mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]  

**   Man  Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
[he  probably IS the  battery charge!]

**   New  Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
[weren't  they fat enough?!]

**   Astronaut  Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's  what he gets for eating those beans!]

**   Kids  Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste  like chicken?]

**   Local High  School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw  Massacre all over again!]

**   Hospitals  are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy,  are they tall!]
And  the winner is....

**   Typhoon  Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  MORE BULLETIN BLOOPERS   **

** From a lyric sheet: "What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and
briefs to bear."

** Support group meeting postponed: "There will be no Moms Who Care this
week."

** "Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones."

** The Overeater's Anonymous Group will meet at 8:00 in the large room.

** Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

** We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

** Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crows

** "Child Care provided with reservations."

** Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in
the sanctuary.

** Scripture: "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty
and you gave me something to drink."

** The Honeymooners Group is now having Bile Studies each Tuesday evening at
7:30p.m.

** Pray that a food foundation will be laid in the lives of our teens.

** We are always happy to let you sue our facility.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Things a Mother Would Never Say   **

**   "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

**   "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

**   "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."

**   "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."

**   "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk
him every day."

**   "Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

** "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running
a prison around here."

** "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."

**   "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Oxymorons   **   ASB:   HILMA:   Alhstorz@...

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a wise guy opposite?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know
the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a
dead tree and eat candy out of your socks
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   THE GATES OF HEAVEN   **

  At the gates to heaven, a new arrival, George, noted that there were
two paths, one marked 'Women', and one marked 'Men'...
He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates...
The gate on the right had a sign that read: "Men who were dominated
by their Wives." The sign on the left read: "Men who dominated their
Wives."

The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was
only one scrawny little fellow at the gate to the left.
George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny
man and asked, "Why are you at this gate?"

The little fellow replied, "I don't know. My wife just told me to
stand here."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Getting Old   **

They say that I am growing old,
I've heard them tell it times untold
In language plain and bold
But I'm not growing old.
This frail old shell in which I dwell
Is growing old I know full well,
But I am not the shell.

What if my hair is turning gray?
Gray hair is honorable they say
What if my sight is growing dim?
I still can see to follow Him
Who sacrificed His life for me,
Upon the cross of Calvary.

What should I care if time's old plow
Has left it's furrows on my brow?
Another house not made with hands
Awaits me in the Glory Land.
And though I falter in my walk
I still can tread the narrow way,
I still can watch and sing and pray.

My hearing may not be so keen
As in the past it has been
Still I can hear my Savior say
In voice so soft, "This is the way".
The natural man does what he can
To lengthen out this life's short span,Who shall
perish and return to dust,
As everything in nature must.
The inward man the scriptures say
Is growing stronger every day.

Then how can I be growing old?
When safe within my Savior's fold
'Ere long my soul shall fly away
And leave this tenement of clay.
This robe of flesh I'll drop, and rise
To seize the everlasting prize,
I'll meet you on the streets of gold
And prove that I'm not growing old!
~~~~~~John E. Roberts
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Another Version Of Chocolate Covered Peanuts   **

  The Senior Citizens Bus Trip
  A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
  She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
  After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
  When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why
they don't eat the peanuts themselves. "We can't chew them because we've no
teeth", she replied.
  The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

  The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Before Computers   **

** Memory- was something you lost with age.

**   An Application- was for employment.

**   A Program- was a TV show.

**   A Cursor- used profanity.

**   A Keyboard- was a piano.

**   A Web- was a spider's home.

**   A Virus- was the flu.

**   A CD- was a bank account.

**   A Hard Drive- was a long trip on the road.

**   A Mouse Pad- was where a mouse lived.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   KID STUFF   **   ASB:   Strode:   stroade@...
   
  Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
  A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were
all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   What Do You Do for A Living   **

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and
moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.
"Oh man...I've been transferred to New Jersey," the other guy answered, "New
Jersey's full of crazy people, and they have shootings, gangs, race riots,
drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in New Jersey all my life, and it is
not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the
world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh,
thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's okay,
I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

    "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."   -Elayne Boosler
===========================

A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor
Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is
told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a
card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!
============================

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all
of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the
students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to
his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
The student got back his test score and $64 change.
============================

Computer Bumper Stickers
- Don't make me use uppercase.
- A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
- Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume.
- Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission.
- Murphy's best friend was a computer.
- The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
=======================

  A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a Hittite gathering, and his hostess
naturally
broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind
telling me,
Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who
appears completely normal?"
     "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which
anyone
should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
     "What sort of question?"
     "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the
world and died
during one of them. Which one?'"
     The Hittite thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know
much
about history...."
===================

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center
and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had
fresh air.
  She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her
that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger
at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay!
Stay!"
  The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange
look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
===================

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner
buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker of mine when she asked if I knew
what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation
officer in Los Angeles.
====================

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for
an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager
commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should
do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We
all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch
at Texas Instruments
====================

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual
who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the life of her couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on. A deputy with the
Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
====================

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I
arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked
in it. We went to the service department and
found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that
side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,
Mississippi!
========================

**   It's The Law   **

**   Laws of Forbidden Places   **
   
** Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
   
** Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but
not in the living room.
   
** Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of
all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
but not in the living room.
   
** Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may
eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages,
yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.
   
** Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of
any food or beverage therein you may not eat, neither may you drink.
   
** But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may
you eat in the living room.
   

** Laws When at Table   **
   
** And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
   
** Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that
is an abomination to me.
   
** Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the
table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
   
** Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip
your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away from my
presence.
   
** When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do
not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to
make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away from my
presence.
   
** When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed,
and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; verily
I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same
before you.
   
** Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I
say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
   
** And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not
with it upon the table, even in pretend, because we do not do that, that is why.
   
** And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand
them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
   
** Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor
slide down until you are nearly slid away.
   
**   Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup.
   
** And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.
   

**   Laws Pertaining to Dessert   **
   
** For as we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
   
** But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
   
**   If ye have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each
bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten
where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two
forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then ye shall have dessert.
   
** But if ye eat a lesser number of peas, and yet ye eat the potatoes, still
ye shall not have dessert; and if ye eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes
uneaten, ye shall not have dessert, no, verily I say unto you, not even a small
portion thereof!
   
** And if thou tries to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a
fork, that it may appear that thou hast eaten what thou hast not, ye will fall
into iniquity.
   
** And I will know, and ye shall have no dessert.
   

**   On Screaming **
   
**   Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.
   
**   If ye are given a plate on which two foods ye do not wish to touch each
other are touching each other, and your voice rises up even unto the ceiling,
while ye point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say
unto you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server
may correct his transgression and peace shall prevail throughout the land.
   
**   Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome
to
you and steeped in vileness, again I say, verily, refrain from screaming.
   
**   Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death,
make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press
your fingers to your nose.
   
**   For even as I have made the fish, and it is as it should be; behold, I
eat it myself, yet do not die.
   

**   Concerning Face and Hands   **
   
**   Cast your countenance upward unto the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills, that I may more easily wash you off.
   
**   For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, and
there is rice thereon.
   
**   And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe,
rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner beyond comprehension!
   
**   Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say.
   
**   Give unto each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also
each thumb.
   
**   Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
   
**   What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go henceforth until I have
done.
   

**   Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances   **
   
**   Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
   
**   Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any beast
of the field, or any fowl of the air nor of any kind; nor rub your feet on
bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against cars, not against
any building; nor eat sand.
   
**   Leave the cat alone, for what hath the cat done, that you should go
forth and afflict it so and bindeth it with tape?
   
**   And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the
light and the book.
   
**   Verily I say unto you, you will drive me to madness.
   
**   Neither forget what I said about the tape.
=============================================================  
[Ian Frazier, "Laws Concerning Food and Drink: Household Principles,
Lamentations of the Father," The Atlantic Monthly, February 1997, Volume 279,
No. 2,
pages 89-90.]
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   LIFE AS WE NOW IT   **

1) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead."
  -Johnny Carson
  2) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
  -Paul Rodriguez
  3) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law."
  -Jerry Seinfeld
  4) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
  -Warren Hutcherson
  5) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
  -Oscar Wilde
  6) "Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a member of Congress...
But I repeat myself."
  -Mark Twain
  7) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan." -A. Whitney Brown
  8) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -Dave
Barry
  9) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
  -Unknown, presumed deceased
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Laws Concerning Food and Drink
**   Household Principles
**   Lamentations of the Father
~~~~~~by Ian Frazier

**Laws of Forbidden Places **

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea,
and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may
eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you
may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of
the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color
and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room.

Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.

Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not
eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.


** Laws When at Table **

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below
you as they were.

Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
table, for that is an abomination to me.

Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your
feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of
rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not
what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk,
and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth
hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding
like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you
have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or
your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so,
even if your brother or your sister has done the same before
you.


Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you,
do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend,
because we do not do that, that is why.

And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do
not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or
the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.

Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into
the syrup.

And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.


** Laws Pertaining to Dessert **

For as we judge between the plate that is unclean and the
plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean,
then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:

If ye have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your
peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas
each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you
have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks,
both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then ye shall have
dessert.

But if ye eat a lesser number of peas, and yet ye eat the
potatoes, still ye shall not have dessert; and if ye eat the
peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, ye shall not have
dessert, no, verily I say unto you, not even a small portion
thereof!

And if thou tries to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas
around with a fork, that it may appear that thou hast eaten
what thou hast not, ye will fall into iniquity.

And I will know, and ye shall have no dessert.


** On Screaming **

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.

If ye are given a plate on which two foods ye do not wish to
touch each other are touching each other, and your voice
rises up even unto the ceiling, while ye point to the
offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say unto
you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server,
that the server may correct his transgression and peace
shall prevail throughout the land.

Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which every
piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the
herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in
vileness, again I say, verily, refrain from screaming.

Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint
unto death, make not that sound from within your throat,
neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your
nose.

For even as I have made the fish, and it is as it should be;
behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.


** Concerning Face and Hands **

Cast your countenance upward unto the light, and lift your
eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off.

For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your
head, and there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie
of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a
manner beyond comprehension!

Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say.

Give unto each finger in its turn for my examination
thereof, and also each thumb.

Lo, how iniquitous they appear.

What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go henceforth
until I have done.


** Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances **

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.

Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water
of any beast of the field, or any fowl of the air nor of any
kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the
package; nor rub your feet against cars, not against any
building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what hath the cat done, that you
should go forth and afflict it so and bindeth it with tape?

And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
between the light and the book.

Verily I say unto you, you will drive me to madness.

Neither forget what I said about the tape.

[Ian Frazier, "Laws Concerning Food and Drink: Household
Principles, Lamentations of the Father," The Atlantic
Monthly, February 1997, Volume 279, No. 2, pages 89-90.]
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  GROANERS   **   from Old John Boy Strode
   
** Boxers never sleep in. They like to get up before ten.

* Is it okay to get lip service at the cosmetic shop?

** If you made a boat out of stone, would it be a hardship?

** Do exotic dancers need dress rehearsals?

** If you ride in a small, cramped airplane, do you suffer jet leg?

** My daughter studies her arithmetic all the time. She's a real mathochist.

** Is a Certified Public Accountant merely a figurehead?

** Is bulldozing another word for falling asleep during a political speech?
   
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do get when you cross a rabbit with a spider?
A: A hare net.
John STROADE Shay, Sr.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter
and her children were awed by the sight.
   
  The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter
asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did.
   
  She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks,
and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.
   
  "Do you have any questions?" she asked.
   
  "No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine.
=====================================================================
******
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
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***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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***************************************************************
**  Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround
us
every day. - Sally KochSix-year-old Susie came home from school whining,
"Mommy, I've got a stomach
ache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied.  "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and sure enough,
Susie felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by.  While he was chatting with
Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.

Susie perked up.  "That's because it's empty," she said.  "You'd feel better
if you had something in it."

Source: Monday Fodder
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  A daily devotional reading from THE BELIEVERS' DAILY REMEMBRANCER
(also known as THE PASTOR'S MORNING VISIT) by Rev James Smith.

"He delighteth in mercy."  Mic 7:18
The proper object of mercy is misery; sin has rendered us
miserable, and God has revealed Himself as merciful.  He
delighteth in mercy; it is a pleasure to Him to have mercy upon
us; He delights to pardon our sins, relieve our necessities, and
save our souls. 

**  His own glory being secured, He delights to bless His people.  He
is styled, THE FATHER OF MERCIES; and as a father takes pleasure
in his children, so does our God in showing mercy. 

**  He always delights in mercy, therefore He does so this morning;
go, then, and mourn over thy sins, which have grieved Him and
rendered you miserable; go, and plead for mercy at His throne,
nor doubt for one moment His pity, His kindness, or His grace. 
Have you obtained mercy?  Be zealous to glorify God in the day of
visitation; be honest, and ascribe all to mercy which is her due;
and be active to spread the good news abroad, assuring poor,
miserable sinners, that GOD DELIGHTETH IN MERCY. 

**   With this, check thy fears, repel thy temptations, and comfort
thy heart.  Believe it as an undoubted truth, plead it as a
powerful argument with God, and daily rejoice in it.  It is sweet
to be an infinite debtor to mercy.

**   ‘Tis mercy in Jesus exempts me from hell;
Its glories I'll sing, and its wonders I'll tell;
'Twas Jesus, my Friend, when He hung on the tree,
Who open'd the channel of mercy for me.

**  There are obviously two educations. One should teach us how to make a
living and the other how to live.     -- James Truslow Adams


**  You don't have to blow out the other fellow's light to  
let your own shine.  ~~~Bernard M. Baruch  

**  I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief
  duty and joy to accomplish humble tasks as though they were
  great and noble. For the world is moved along, not only by
  the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of
  tiny pushes of each honest worker. ~~~- Helen Keller

**  When we take a tumble and cry out to God in our shame and distress, the
psalmist says He "inclines His ear" to us.  He bends over to listen. We say,
"Oh, Father, I've failed!  I've failed terribly. Look at what I've done!" 
And then He puts His arms around us, just as a loving earthly father would
do.  He then says, "I accept you just as you are.  I acknowledge that what
you have done was wrong, as you've confessed it to Me.  Now, My son, My
daughter, let's move on.     --Charles Swindoll

**   I am always thankful for what I have. After all, I would be in real
trouble if I got what I deserved.    John Strode
***************************************************************

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==================================================

"The Funnies"

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**  "Too many people undervalue what they are, and overvalue what they are
not."    --Malcolm Forbes
~~~~~~~~or is it. . .
**   "Too many people overvalue what they are, and undervalue what they are
not." --Malcolm Forbes

**  Q. What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
A. One is against the law, the other is just a sick bird.

**  Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire 
estate in
trust for his widow?  
She can't touch it till she's  fourteen...

**  Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't
even have a word for "male bimbo" Except maybe "senator"

**  An optimist is somebody who always sees the bright side of your problem.

**  Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who

will get the blame.

**  Did you hear about the manicurist and dentist who got married?
They fought tooth and nail.

**  Sign at a propane filling station: "Thank heaven for little grills."

**   On the church questionnaire, the elderly lady filled out all but at the
address when it came to 'zip,' she wrote, 'Normal for my age.'

**   A chrysanthemum by any other name would be much easier to spell.

**   Why is it that whenever we bounce a check, the bank will charge us more
of
what they already know we don't have?

**   Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in no time, but cannot
understand
the workings of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner?

**   In 2006 someone will figure out that the National Debt has gotten so
huge
that no one can even pronounce the number. It will then be paid off with a
3.9% Visa Card.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>


  060222-2027 Ref:  (NKJV) 1 Corinthians 3: 13-15.  …each one’s work will
become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire;
and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is)…
  Ref: (Amplified Version) “If the work which any person has built on this
Foundation [any product of his effortswhatever] survives [this test], he will
get
his reward.”
  I have a spiritual mentor.  When he left the Fellowship and moved across
country, I thought that my spiritual walk was over.  When Jesus was taken from
the disciples and ascended into heaven, they must have thought their walk was
over; their hopes dashed to pieces, and their cause ended.  They did not
realize
it was just the beginning.  After my mentor left, I did not lose my walk, I
had to make a decision to take a stand.  I had to stand on my own spiritual
feet and seek Christ in every corner I could find him. 
   
  The disciples were filled with the Spirit on Pentecost, they took a stand;
they became Apostles.  We are no different.  God had to break the props from
underneath them—and us—and let us fall until we learn that it is “Jesus
and Him
only” is our hope and guide.  It will be credited to our mentor when we do.
Since that time I have seen God, time and time again, remove pastors and
teachers and music leaders from the Body, only to replace them with others who
did
not think they could function at that level. 
  Now—be filled with the Spirit—move out.  “Forward March!”
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Before You ... I'll Know   **

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus
flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is
breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase,
pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator,
"Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking
at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on
his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Dave Racinski Says   **

** Joy is contagious, Commit to being a carrier.  K. Harney
   
** “The Saints win here every Sunday.”   Sign outside church in Louisiana
   
** “Dream don’t have an expiration date.”  D. Niven ,  100 Simple
Secrets of
the Best Half of Life
   
** “I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will make sense
only in reverse.”    **Philip Yancey , Finding God in Unexpected Places
   
** “Prayer is less about changing the world than it is about changing
ourselves.”  Rappi David J. Wolpe~~~ in his book titled  Floating Takes
Faith after
he learned that floating is more difficult than swimming because it demands
stillness and trust

** “A negative attitude is like a flat tire. You’re  not going far until
you
change it."

** “Do not  ‘keep the faith.’   Share it.“   Rev Cletus Pifher
   ~~~~~Dave Racinsky:    dave.racinsky@...
                                 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
  "Ambassador for Christ - Holding the shield of prayer and wearing the armour
of faith"


**   Clergy Banter   **

  A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July
picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
  "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand
why
such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're
missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia
Baked
Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
  The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Accident Report   **

Because I was processing my first accident report at the
transport company where I worked, I was being particularly
attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a
severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was
broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that
asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Sale Cheap   **

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his
  old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
  saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".  
   
  For three days the fridge sat there without even one person  
  looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were  
  too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so  
  he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $5o". The next  
  day someone stole it.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++
**   Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Running On Empyty   **

Six-year-old Susie came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've got a stomach
ache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied.  "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and sure enough,
Susie felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by.  While he was chatting with
Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.

Susie perked up.  "That's because it's empty," she said.  "You'd feel better
if you had something in it."

~~~Source: Monday Fodder
mailto:daveaufrance@...?Subject=Subscribe_Monday_Fodder
http://www.fishermansnet.com/monday-fodder/
                The WITandWISDOM(tm) archive is located at:
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Subscription Management: http://witandwisdom.org/subscriptions.htm
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Tongue In Cheek Humor   **

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering
awarding
Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national highest
civilian commendation,
for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney.
     The source was quoted to say "All Americans have wanted to shoot a
lawyer at one
time or another and Cheney actually had the guts to do it."
     In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which
issues hunting
licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer,
to have the
new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are
required to
carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. 
The new "lawyers
stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long.
     The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes
at
a hefty
price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it will generate annual
revenues in excess
of $3 billion dollars the first year.  Other states are considering similar
hunting license
stamps.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  The Law   **

   Aubrey Meek was brought before the court on the charge of
refusing to obey a police officer.  "Why did you refuse to
move on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge
inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could
have given such a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.

"It's like this, your honor," explained Meek.  "My wife said
I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and
I was forced to choose between man's law and wife's law."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Cherolee Wisdom **

  One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on
inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between twp "wolves" inside us
all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

This is Rex Barker, CS (Consuming for the good Side) reminding you to
internalize the story above and feed the healthy side of you.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Deep Observations on Life**

  1) "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
  2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children." --Author Unknown
  3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
  4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
  5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering
if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
  6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
  7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim'." --Paula Poundstone
  8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan
O'Brien
  9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
  10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Don't Fold, Spindle or Mutilate   **

Moshe took his Social Security check to the bank for deposit.
As he stood and waited in the long line, he inadvertently began
to nervously fold and unfold his check. When it finally came his
turn at the teller's window, he handed the lady his ruffled check.
   
  She practically scolded him saying, "Sir, can't you read this check?
It says, 'Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate.'"
   
  "So?" replied Moshe.
   
  "Well," said the teller, "You shouldn't do that. The government
doesn't like it." That's when Moshe looked her straight in the eye
and replied, "Well, the government does a lot of things I don't
like, too!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Hebonics   **      APF:  Jills Jewish Humor
 
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "All right already, I'm coming. What's with the
'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties
I gave you?
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy
To guest of honour at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out...what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Jewish Deep Sea Fishing Tasles **

Sam and Morris were both fanatics about deep sea fishing. Each would
come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies about the
number, and sizes of the fish they caught. So Sam comes back from his
latest fishing trip, and tells Morris, " You wouldn't believe, but in the 
Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "
 
Morris says.... A 500 pound herring ? Well that's nothing, last time I fished
in the Bahamas, I
pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship . . . and the candle
was still burning! "
 
They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.
   
  Finally, Morris said to Sam...." Look Sam, if you take
450 pounds off your herring I'll blow out my candle ! "
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Sharing 50/50   **

One night, Morty and Sarah, both in their eighties, go
to a restaurant. Morty orders just one plate of
brisket, latkes and cucumbers.  The waiter serves the
food and Morty begins eating. Sarah just sits there
watching him eat.
Sitting at a table nearby, another man notices that
Sarah hasn't got a meal. He then gets quite upset
when, with plenty of food still left on his plate,
Morty puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin
and puts it on the table.
"How mean," thought the man, "the elderly lady is just
sitting there without any food. Maybe they can't
afford two meals?"
So he goes over to Sarah and says, "I hope you won't
be offended but I see you don't have anything to eat.
Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really
make me happy if you said yes."
Sarah replies, "That's very kind of you but there is
no need to worry about me. My husband Morty and I
share everything 50/50 and now that he's eaten his
half, it will soon be my turn."
"So what are you waiting for?" asks the man.
Sarah replies, "The teeth."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who
was very ill.
   After a while, they rose to leave and told her,
"Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
   "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing
woman said, "I can do my own praying."
========================

**   You Know That You Work for an Orthodox Jewish Company If....   **
   
  ** You spill your lunch all over yourself and your
cubicle neighbors yell "MAZEL TOV."
   
**   The "director of human resources" tries to set you up
on dates with 35 year old men who live in Fort Lee.
   
**   You have to shout in Hebrew on the phone.
   
**   At least 4 people in your office are related to each other.
   
**   No two employees have the exact same benefits plan.
   
**   Half the senior managers have masters degrees in
Jewish Education and Jewish History. One person has a degree
in business, but no one listens to him because he does
not have smicha.
   
**   Microsoft spellcheck is useless because most words in
memos are only vaguely reminiscent of English.
   
**   Every job description is at least 10 years out of
date. Or lost.  Preferably, both.
   
**   Every employee carries the sales tax exempt number in
his or her wallet. If an employee pays sales tax, it
is reported to the Board for disciplinary action.
   
**   There is no Board secretary, because no one wanted the
job. So Board members rotate and take turns in not
writing up the minutes.
   
**   You get one day's notice to prepare your department's
annual budget. (Only applies to very sophisticated
operations; the rest do not, of course, have a
budget.) Your budget is approved six months
later, three months into the new fiscal year.
   
**   Except for administrative and clerical staff, everyone
else gets paid on the basis of how much money they
need. Or say they need. Or want.
   
**   There are many lengthy meetings, but no decisions are
ever reached.
   
**   Men employed for the organization all (allegedly) have
smicha and are considered professional staff. Women
employed by the organization are considered support
staff, but actually run the organization while the men
run back and forth having meetings and looking busy.
   
**   Every lay leader you speak to mentions that they have
a grandson who's single.
   
**   Callers can listen to cheesy Israeli music while on hold.
   
**   Everyone immediately checks the Holiday Calendar to
see how many Jewish holidays fall on weekdays
   
**   You get questions at work like, "If food has a small
OU, does that make it less kosher than something with
a big OU?"
   
**   Friday afternoon is eerily quiet after 1PM.

**   You constantly see your coworkers socially, and not on purpose.
   
**   All office events are catered by the same kosher
restaurant over and over again, until you never want
to eat their food, smell their food or think about
their food again.
   
**   You have off on Jewish Holidays, Legal Holidays,
Christian Holidays, African Holidays, Canadian
Holidays, Calendar Holidays...
   
**   Women who take maternity leave never come back.
~~~APF:   Jillz Jewish Humor
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  SIMILARITIES BETWEEN REDNECKS AND FRUM JEWISH MEN   **   APF   Jills
Jewish Humor
 
** He has a double given first name (could be Bobbie Joe or Menachem Mendel?)
 
** He wears a wide brim fedora hat
 
** He smokes cigarettes (ala Marlboro Man or Motzey Shabbat)
 
** He is politically conservative (ie Rush Limbaugh or Meir Kahane).
 
** His goal is to be married with kids by eighteen
 
** He loves going to Friday night gatherings with his friends (Rebbe's Tish
or Tractor Pull?)
 
** He believes that his hero never really died (Elvis vs. the Lubavitcher
Rebbe, ZT"L).
 
** He drives around town in a beat-up old Pontiac whose main color is primer
and rust.
 
** You don't know exactly what language it is that he is speaking, but it
sure doesn't sound like English...
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Jewish  Country & Western Song Titles   **   More From Jill
 
** I Was One Of The Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else).

** I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?

** New Bottle Of Whiskey, Same Old Testament.

** Stand by Your Mensch.

** I Balanced Your Books, But You're Breakin' My Heart

** You've Been Talkin' Hebrew In Your Sleep Since That Rabbi
Came To Town.

** Mamas Don't Let Their Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys
(When You Could Very Easily Have Taken Over The FamilyHardware Business)

** That My Own Father Broke His Back To Start And Your Father Sweated Over
For 45 Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything To You

** Now That You're Turning Your Back On Such A Gift
To Ride Around All Day On Some Meshuggenah Horse).
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Sure Thing Bar Bet   **    From Andy's Archives

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television
when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to
jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the
first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off
the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The
same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the
second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the
guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

** Gathering Chickens   **   More From Andfy's Archives

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of
chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the
box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy
walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and
returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home,
expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed
to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with
seven."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Settled Out Of Coourt   **

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through
your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the
stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned
bull came home this morning."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Slice of Life   **   ASB:   Steve:   Ruskidad@...

  Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and
watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open
window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of
his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up
to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a
window back there?"

Joe says, "Yes I did."

"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the
dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed
into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital.
And it's all because you sliced the ball."

"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," says the the cop.
"Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Something To Think About   **

   Nathan Williams told of two men who had been business partners for over
twenty years. They met one Sunday morning as they were leaving a restaurant.

One of them asked, "Where are you going this morning?" "I'm going to play
golf. What about you?" The first man responded rather apologetically, "I'm
going to church." The other man said, "Why don't you give up that church
stuff?" The man asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, we have been partners for
twenty years. We have worked together, attended board meetings together, and
had lunch together, and all of these twenty years you have never asked me
about going to church. You have never invited me to go with you. Obviously,
it doesn't mean that much to you."

John A. Stroman, God's Downward Mobility, CSS Publishing Company.
Source: Illustrations, http://www.cybersaltlists.org
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Mathematics   **

What Does It Mean To Be 100% from a strictly mathematical
viewpoint?

What Equals 100%?  What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%.  How about
achieving 101%?  What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R ST U V W X Y Z Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-!  D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 =  101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:  While Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the
Love of God that will put you over the top!
                               +++++++++++++++++++++

**  How Undressing Reveals Your Personality  **
Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Caprio gives the following breakdown:  

HAPHAZARD UNDRESSER:  
If you throw your clothes all over the house, you are a  
friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your  
thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others  
think of you.  

METICULOUS UNDRESSER:  
If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully,  
you are a serious person who likes life very calm. You are  
comfortable with routine and you believe that the best way to  
deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place.  

SHOES AND SOCKS FIRST UNDRESSER:  
You are perfectionist, very shy, observant, dependable, intense  
and think before making decisions. You go about your tasks  
methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.  

SLOW UNDRESSER:  
If you take off the shirt and ten minutes later get around to  
the pants, you are extremely self-confident, intellectual, a  
deep thinker and don't like to be hassled. Usually you like a  
lot of free time for yourself.  

FAST UNDRESSER:  
If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are  
concerned about others and what they expect from you but you're  
worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented and stay  
extremely busy.  

JEWELRY OFF FIRST UNDRESSER:  
If you take off your rings, watch, etc. before anything else,  
you are warm, thoughtful, sensitive and romantic.  

NEVER THE SAME WAY UNDRESSER:  
If you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious,  
interesting person and you enjoy a broad range of activities.  
You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure. 
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
******
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
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***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
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Friday and Saturday   3/3-4/2006
***************************************************************
**  Wealth from gambling quickly disappears; wealth from hard work grows.  
(Proverbs 13:11)
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  If there is one truth you see on nearly every page of the Scriptures, it
is this: God speaks to His people.  From Adam in the Garden, to John on
the island of Patmos, from Genesis to Revelation, God is speaking where
His people can hear Him.  Why is that so hard to believe?  If you were
going somewhere with a friend, would you expect him to walk silently beside
you, never saying a word?  So if you are walking with God, shouldn't you
expect Him to want to share with you what is on His heart?
--Henry Blackaby

**  Love all for Jesus, but Jesus for Himself. Jesus Christ alone is
especially
to be beloved; who alone is found good and faithful above all friends.    
--Thomas a Kempis

**   Mark it down, things do not "just happen."  Ours is not a random,
whistle-
in-the-dark universe.  There is a God-arranged plan for this world of ours,
which includes a specific plan for you.  And through every ordinary day and
every extraordinary moment, there is a God who constantly seeks you.    
--Charles Swindoll

**  When we wrap our arms around those who sorrow, we do so on behalf of
Jesus, who would do it if He were here.     --Janette Oke

The following come from Brother Gilbert The Teacher:
~~~~(mgministries2000@...)~~~~~

**  Just as there is no way of stopping the delivery of a baby whose time is
due, there is no halting the goods that God has in store for His people when
He pours them out. The time has come for us to bear witness of what good God
has done for us.

**  God is so faithful that no matter how many years may elapse without rain,
when it finally falls, the seeds of the mushrooms in the soil soon break out
into life. He will continue to keep His own safe and secure all the time.
Nature testifies about God.

**  No one blesses the way God blesses. No one ever shines the way God
shines. No one ever secures the way God secures. No one keeps the way God keeps.
No
one ever loves the way God loves. No one knows you the way God does.  May God
bless   you.

**  It does not matter how much suffering you may go through, no matter how
many shortages you may have had, as long as you remain in God, He will restore
all He has promised you to have. Power lies in your having His Holy Spirit.

**   Whenever you really love someone you will care for and know where they
are. While the world may indeed wonder what it is that keeps you together,
those in one accord with you understand that God’s love passes all
understanding. 
Have    faith.

**   Nations may suffer just because the leaders have departed from the way
of God and done evil things. However The Lord is loving enough to restore the
lost as soon as they depart from the wicked ways. Don’t be fooled by any
fancy,
false teaching.

**   I never thank my God for attacks that may ever arise against me.
Instead, I thank Him that when such attacks come, He gives me cover. I know who
to
cry out to in times of need and know that He is all that I need. In God I will
put my trust day by day.
   
***************************************************************

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"The Funnies"

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**  The best vacation is one where you want to get
back to work because you're in no condition to
continue relaxing.

**  Some workers claim their real vacation is when
the boss takes his.

**  You needn't worry about taking a vacation, but
you should get a little concerned when you come
back and discover that no one noticed you were gone.

**  If it weren't for summer vacations think how
many mosquitoes would starve to death.

**  After traveling with your family you begin to
appreciate your co-workers more. At least your
co-workers go to the bathroom before you leave.

**  I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
- Martin Tupper

**   Success based on anything but internal
fulfillment is bound to be empty.- Dr. Martha Friedman

**  "The best and fastest way to learn a sport is to watch
and imitate a champion."--Jean-Claude Killy

**  The best parachute folders are those who jump themselves.

**  No beating around the bush or bushing around the beat.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>


  060227-2029
  Ref:  1 Peter 4: 5.  But they (Those who have sinned) will have to give an
account to Him who is ready to judge and pass sentence on the living and the
dead.  For this is why the good news was preached even to the dead, so that
they
might be judged according to men in regard to the body, but live according to
God in regard to the spirit.
   
  As a lowly seaman recruit, I was called in to see the Base Commanding
Officer. When I was led into that CO’s office, I was so awe struck that I
forgot my
name.  I stood there at attention; all 135 pounds of me; pimples, peach fuzz,
and drops of sweat rolling off the end of my nose.  My newly issued uniform
did not fit and the white Dixie cup did not conform to my baldhead.  All I
could
think of was, “What would have caused me to gained the attention of the base
CO?  For the first time in my life, I was facing god.
   
  I am pretty sure that the “living and the dead” includes me.  I envision
myself once again standing at attention, and my soul naked as an open book
before God.  There will be no phoniness; no smooth talk; no excuses; just the
hot
brand of truth burning into my soul.  My life will become a living testimony as
to how I have used the talents the Lord gave me, and I will finally be
measured against the standard set by Christ.  Would you not also be as
speechless as
a dead man before God? 
   
  How will we stand as our life is displayed before us; on one hand the life
that we lived for ourselves and on the other, the life that God had intended
for us to live?  Now there is a frightening thought. How does your Christian
standard measure up?  When it is all said and done, will we be standing there
naked before Him, with all of our sins expose for all to see, or will His Blood
have wash over us and clothe us in a clean robe of His righteousness?  That
thought, though bitter-sweet, brings a great deal of comfort to me.  The
knowledge that my sins, for which I have fully confessed and turned from, will
not be
exposed, but have been paid for by the Blood of the Lamb.   
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Displaced Senior Citizen   **

I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying
job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for
the worse. I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding! insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an
animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure
that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.

Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **


A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her  
when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering  
if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked  
her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side  
of the house?"  

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."  
=====================

Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a  
four-leaf  clover?  
A: A rash of good luck.  

Q: How do you catch a rabbit?  
A: Hide in a bush and make a noise like a Carrot.  
=====================

Take a good look at your paycheck stub sometime. There's
one area there for what you get and eight different areas
for what somebody else gets.
=====================
They shouldn't evben call it "pay;" they should call
it leftovers.
=====================

Money won't buy happiness but it will pay for a large
staff to study the problem.
=====================

Personal income is a joke, Salary is the set-up and
take-home pay is the punch line.
=====================

Look at all the deductions on your paystub. Wouldn't it
be nice if we could lose weight that easily?
=====================

The payroll deductions seem to grow every year. Soon you
may just open your pay envelope and find a bill!
=====================
You have to learn to live within your means, after all,
you're not the government.
ASB:   Aiken
===================

The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life. "Life,"
said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms, drought, wind,
animals -- not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up,
you'll thrive and grow."

"Life certainly is a gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one
thing you haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?"

"As in any gamble," said Mama Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!"
=====================

Two thousand pounds of human hair en route to a wig factory fell onto the
highway when the truck carrying it overturned. No one was injured, and
everyone
is looking for clues as to why the accident happened.  State Police, in fact,

are still combing the area.
=====================

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and
Santa Claus
traveling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they
all noticed a
$100 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
     Santa of course, the other two don't exist!
=====================

A man was walking along the beach and found an old Genie lamp. He immediately
started rubbing it. Sure enough a genie pops out and before the startled man
can say anything the Genie turns him into a crab.
      Another man saw what happened and he asked the Genie why he turned the
man into a crab before he could say anything?
      The Genie said, Aww he just rubbed me the wrong way.
=====================

"The taxpayer -- that's someone who works for the
federal government but doesn't have to take the
civil service examination."       - Ronald Reagan
=====================

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
baby-sitter."
=====================

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
======================

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked
his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't
know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so
dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
========================

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day
of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says
happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says
happens at home.
========================

  Waiting for an elevator at our hospital, I stood next to a maintenance
man holding a bicycle pump.  Noticing my curious stares, he looked at
me and remarked with a grin, "It's the new HMO oxygen program."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Victoria's Secret   **

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for
his wife.
He is shown several items that range from $250 to $500. The more sheer, the
more expensive. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the
lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron
it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral is Friday
                               +++++++++++++++++++++


** Tounge In Cheek Puns   **   ASB:   Steve:   Saxbuddy@...
   
  OK- All you PUN lovers--read these carefully and pay close attention to some
of the spellings! Most of you I kow very well and you will LOVE these Plays
on Words::::  

  1.He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine.

2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

14. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

24. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

25. Every calendar's days are numbered.

26. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

30. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

31. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

32. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Top Ten Signs you played too many Video Games

  10. They ask for all their money in quarters.
  9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.
  8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they
have real-life friends).
  7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.
  6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.
  5. Their fingers twitch all the time.
  4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if
they are all right.
  3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.
  2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.
  1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new
high score and can not be bothered.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**  "Laws Of The Natural Universe"   **   APF:  <ladyhawke@...>

** Law of Mechanical Repair:
    After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to 
itch or you'll have to urinate.

** Law of the Workshop:
    Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

** Law of Probability:
    The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the 
stupidity of your act.

** Law of the Telephone:
    When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

** Law of the Alibi:
    If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat 
tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

** Variation Law:
    If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will 
start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Works every time!)

** Bath Theorem:
    When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

** Law of Close Encounters:
    The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are 
with someone you don't want to be seen with.

** Law of the Result:
    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

** Law of Biomechanics:
    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

** Theatre Rule:
    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle 
arrive last.

** Law of Coffee:
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask 
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

** Murphy's Law of Lockers:
    If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have 
adjacent lockers.

** Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on 
a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of 
the carpet/rug.

** Law of Location:
    No matter where you go, there you are.

** Law of Logical Argument:
    Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

** Brown's Law:
    If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

** Oliver's Law:
    A closed mouth gathers no feet.

** Wilson's Law:
    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop 
making it.

** Law of Reality:
    Murphy was an optimist.
~~~~~APF:   kegel@...
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    The Husband Store Now open in New York   **

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates. The sign states:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you  cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
children.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children,
and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love children, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
and have a strong romantic streak.

She is  so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

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This mailing is not sent unsolicited.   If you are receiving it, it is
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If for any reason you need to change your mailing address just
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**************************************************************************
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
to own any copyright privileges to them.   The work was sent as an item for
the mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
piece is known, credit will always be given.   Items are published on a first

received basis.

***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
give them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.
Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
Items. If you sign up for their list... BE WARNED... do so at your own risk.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*
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Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

*******
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***************************************************************
**  Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround
us
every day. - Sally KochSix-year-old Susie came home from school whining,
"Mommy, I've got a stomach
ache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied.  "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and sure enough,
Susie felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by.  While he was chatting with
Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.

Susie perked up.  "That's because it's empty," she said.  "You'd feel better
if you had something in it."

Source: Monday Fodder
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  A daily devotional reading from THE BELIEVERS' DAILY REMEMBRANCER
(also known as THE PASTOR'S MORNING VISIT) by Rev James Smith.

"He delighteth in mercy."  Mic 7:18
The proper object of mercy is misery; sin has rendered us
miserable, and God has revealed Himself as merciful.  He
delighteth in mercy; it is a pleasure to Him to have mercy upon
us; He delights to pardon our sins, relieve our necessities, and
save our souls. 

**  His own glory being secured, He delights to bless His people.  He
is styled, THE FATHER OF MERCIES; and as a father takes pleasure
in his children, so does our God in showing mercy. 

**  He always delights in mercy, therefore He does so this morning;
go, then, and mourn over thy sins, which have grieved Him and
rendered you miserable; go, and plead for mercy at His throne,
nor doubt for one moment His pity, His kindness, or His grace. 
Have you obtained mercy?  Be zealous to glorify God in the day of
visitation; be honest, and ascribe all to mercy which is her due;
and be active to spread the good news abroad, assuring poor,
miserable sinners, that GOD DELIGHTETH IN MERCY. 

**   With this, check thy fears, repel thy temptations, and comfort
thy heart.  Believe it as an undoubted truth, plead it as a
powerful argument with God, and daily rejoice in it.  It is sweet
to be an infinite debtor to mercy.

**   ‘Tis mercy in Jesus exempts me from hell;
Its glories I'll sing, and its wonders I'll tell;
'Twas Jesus, my Friend, when He hung on the tree,
Who open'd the channel of mercy for me.

**  There are obviously two educations. One should teach us how to make a
living and the other how to live.     -- James Truslow Adams


**  You don't have to blow out the other fellow's light to  
let your own shine.  ~~~Bernard M. Baruch  

**  I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief
  duty and joy to accomplish humble tasks as though they were
  great and noble. For the world is moved along, not only by
  the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of
  tiny pushes of each honest worker. ~~~- Helen Keller

**  When we take a tumble and cry out to God in our shame and distress, the
psalmist says He "inclines His ear" to us.  He bends over to listen. We say,
"Oh, Father, I've failed!  I've failed terribly. Look at what I've done!" 
And then He puts His arms around us, just as a loving earthly father would
do.  He then says, "I accept you just as you are.  I acknowledge that what
you have done was wrong, as you've confessed it to Me.  Now, My son, My
daughter, let's move on.     --Charles Swindoll

**   I am always thankful for what I have. After all, I would be in real
trouble if I got what I deserved.    John Strode
***************************************************************

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"The Funnies"

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**  "Too many people undervalue what they are, and overvalue what they are
not."    --Malcolm Forbes
~~~~~~~~or is it. . .
**   "Too many people overvalue what they are, and undervalue what they are
not." --Malcolm Forbes

**  Q. What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
A. One is against the law, the other is just a sick bird.

**  Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire 
estate in
trust for his widow?  
She can't touch it till she's  fourteen...

**  Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't
even have a word for "male bimbo" Except maybe "senator"

**  An optimist is somebody who always sees the bright side of your problem.

**  Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who

will get the blame.

**  Did you hear about the manicurist and dentist who got married?
They fought tooth and nail.

**  Sign at a propane filling station: "Thank heaven for little grills."

**   On the church questionnaire, the elderly lady filled out all but at the
address when it came to 'zip,' she wrote, 'Normal for my age.'

**   A chrysanthemum by any other name would be much easier to spell.

**   Why is it that whenever we bounce a check, the bank will charge us more
of
what they already know we don't have?

**   Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in no time, but cannot
understand
the workings of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner?

**   In 2006 someone will figure out that the National Debt has gotten so
huge
that no one can even pronounce the number. It will then be paid off with a
3.9% Visa Card.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>


  060222-2027 Ref:  (NKJV) 1 Corinthians 3: 13-15.  …each one’s work will
become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire;
and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is)…
  Ref: (Amplified Version) “If the work which any person has built on this
Foundation [any product of his effortswhatever] survives [this test], he will
get
his reward.”
  I have a spiritual mentor.  When he left the Fellowship and moved across
country, I thought that my spiritual walk was over.  When Jesus was taken from
the disciples and ascended into heaven, they must have thought their walk was
over; their hopes dashed to pieces, and their cause ended.  They did not
realize
it was just the beginning.  After my mentor left, I did not lose my walk, I
had to make a decision to take a stand.  I had to stand on my own spiritual
feet and seek Christ in every corner I could find him. 
   
  The disciples were filled with the Spirit on Pentecost, they took a stand;
they became Apostles.  We are no different.  God had to break the props from
underneath them—and us—and let us fall until we learn that it is “Jesus
and Him
only” is our hope and guide.  It will be credited to our mentor when we do.
Since that time I have seen God, time and time again, remove pastors and
teachers and music leaders from the Body, only to replace them with others who
did
not think they could function at that level. 
  Now—be filled with the Spirit—move out.  “Forward March!”
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Before You ... I'll Know   **

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus
flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is
breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase,
pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator,
"Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking
at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on
his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Dave Racinski Says   **

** Joy is contagious, Commit to being a carrier.  K. Harney
   
** “The Saints win here every Sunday.”   Sign outside church in Louisiana
   
** “Dream don’t have an expiration date.”  D. Niven ,  100 Simple
Secrets of
the Best Half of Life
   
** “I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will make sense
only in reverse.”    **Philip Yancey , Finding God in Unexpected Places
   
** “Prayer is less about changing the world than it is about changing
ourselves.”  Rappi David J. Wolpe~~~ in his book titled  Floating Takes
Faith after
he learned that floating is more difficult than swimming because it demands
stillness and trust

** “A negative attitude is like a flat tire. You’re  not going far until
you
change it."

** “Do not  ‘keep the faith.’   Share it.“   Rev Cletus Pifher
   ~~~~~Dave Racinsky:    dave.racinsky@...
                                 ++++++++++++++++++++++++
  "Ambassador for Christ - Holding the shield of prayer and wearing the armour
of faith"


**   Clergy Banter   **

  A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July
picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
  "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand
why
such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're
missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia
Baked
Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
  The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Accident Report   **

Because I was processing my first accident report at the
transport company where I worked, I was being particularly
attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a
severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was
broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that
asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Sale Cheap   **

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his
  old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
  saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".  
   
  For three days the fridge sat there without even one person  
  looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were  
  too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so  
  he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $5o". The next  
  day someone stole it.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++
**   Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Running On Empyty   **

Six-year-old Susie came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've got a stomach
ache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied.  "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and sure enough,
Susie felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by.  While he was chatting with
Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.

Susie perked up.  "That's because it's empty," she said.  "You'd feel better
if you had something in it."

~~~Source: Monday Fodder
mailto:daveaufrance@...?Subject=Subscribe_Monday_Fodder
http://www.fishermansnet.com/monday-fodder/
                The WITandWISDOM(tm) archive is located at:
http://witandwisdom.org/archive.htm
Subscription Management: http://witandwisdom.org/subscriptions.htm
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Tongue In Cheek Humor   **

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering
awarding
Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national highest
civilian commendation,
for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney.
     The source was quoted to say "All Americans have wanted to shoot a
lawyer at one
time or another and Cheney actually had the guts to do it."
     In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which
issues hunting
licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer,
to have the
new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are
required to
carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. 
The new "lawyers
stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long.
     The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes
at
a hefty
price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it will generate annual
revenues in excess
of $3 billion dollars the first year.  Other states are considering similar
hunting license
stamps.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  The Law   **

   Aubrey Meek was brought before the court on the charge of
refusing to obey a police officer.  "Why did you refuse to
move on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge
inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could
have given such a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.

"It's like this, your honor," explained Meek.  "My wife said
I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and
I was forced to choose between man's law and wife's law."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Cherolee Wisdom **

  One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on
inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between twp "wolves" inside us
all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

This is Rex Barker, CS (Consuming for the good Side) reminding you to
internalize the story above and feed the healthy side of you.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Deep Observations on Life**

  1) "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
  2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children." --Author Unknown
  3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
  4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
  5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering
if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
  6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
  7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim'." --Paula Poundstone
  8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan
O'Brien
  9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
  10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Don't Fold, Spindle or Mutilate   **

Moshe took his Social Security check to the bank for deposit.
As he stood and waited in the long line, he inadvertently began
to nervously fold and unfold his check. When it finally came his
turn at the teller's window, he handed the lady his ruffled check.
   
  She practically scolded him saying, "Sir, can't you read this check?
It says, 'Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate.'"
   
  "So?" replied Moshe.
   
  "Well," said the teller, "You shouldn't do that. The government
doesn't like it." That's when Moshe looked her straight in the eye
and replied, "Well, the government does a lot of things I don't
like, too!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Hebonics   **      APF:  Jills Jewish Humor
 
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "All right already, I'm coming. What's with the
'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties
I gave you?
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy
To guest of honour at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out...what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Jewish Deep Sea Fishing Tasles **

Sam and Morris were both fanatics about deep sea fishing. Each would
come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies about the
number, and sizes of the fish they caught. So Sam comes back from his
latest fishing trip, and tells Morris, " You wouldn't believe, but in the 
Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "
 
Morris says.... A 500 pound herring ? Well that's nothing, last time I fished
in the Bahamas, I
pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship . . . and the candle
was still burning! "
 
They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.
   
  Finally, Morris said to Sam...." Look Sam, if you take
450 pounds off your herring I'll blow out my candle ! "
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Sharing 50/50   **

One night, Morty and Sarah, both in their eighties, go
to a restaurant. Morty orders just one plate of
brisket, latkes and cucumbers.  The waiter serves the
food and Morty begins eating. Sarah just sits there
watching him eat.
Sitting at a table nearby, another man notices that
Sarah hasn't got a meal. He then gets quite upset
when, with plenty of food still left on his plate,
Morty puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin
and puts it on the table.
"How mean," thought the man, "the elderly lady is just
sitting there without any food. Maybe they can't
afford two meals?"
So he goes over to Sarah and says, "I hope you won't
be offended but I see you don't have anything to eat.
Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really
make me happy if you said yes."
Sarah replies, "That's very kind of you but there is
no need to worry about me. My husband Morty and I
share everything 50/50 and now that he's eaten his
half, it will soon be my turn."
"So what are you waiting for?" asks the man.
Sarah replies, "The teeth."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who
was very ill.
   After a while, they rose to leave and told her,
"Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
   "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing
woman said, "I can do my own praying."
========================

**   You Know That You Work for an Orthodox Jewish Company If....   **
   
  ** You spill your lunch all over yourself and your
cubicle neighbors yell "MAZEL TOV."
   
**   The "director of human resources" tries to set you up
on dates with 35 year old men who live in Fort Lee.
   
**   You have to shout in Hebrew on the phone.
   
**   At least 4 people in your office are related to each other.
   
**   No two employees have the exact same benefits plan.
   
**   Half the senior managers have masters degrees in
Jewish Education and Jewish History. One person has a degree
in business, but no one listens to him because he does
not have smicha.
   
**   Microsoft spellcheck is useless because most words in
memos are only vaguely reminiscent of English.
   
**   Every job description is at least 10 years out of
date. Or lost.  Preferably, both.
   
**   Every employee carries the sales tax exempt number in
his or her wallet. If an employee pays sales tax, it
is reported to the Board for disciplinary action.
   
**   There is no Board secretary, because no one wanted the
job. So Board members rotate and take turns in not
writing up the minutes.
   
**   You get one day's notice to prepare your department's
annual budget. (Only applies to very sophisticated
operations; the rest do not, of course, have a
budget.) Your budget is approved six months
later, three months into the new fiscal year.
   
**   Except for administrative and clerical staff, everyone
else gets paid on the basis of how much money they
need. Or say they need. Or want.
   
**   There are many lengthy meetings, but no decisions are
ever reached.
   
**   Men employed for the organization all (allegedly) have
smicha and are considered professional staff. Women
employed by the organization are considered support
staff, but actually run the organization while the men
run back and forth having meetings and looking busy.
   
**   Every lay leader you speak to mentions that they have
a grandson who's single.
   
**   Callers can listen to cheesy Israeli music while on hold.
   
**   Everyone immediately checks the Holiday Calendar to
see how many Jewish holidays fall on weekdays
   
**   You get questions at work like, "If food has a small
OU, does that make it less kosher than something with
a big OU?"
   
**   Friday afternoon is eerily quiet after 1PM.

**   You constantly see your coworkers socially, and not on purpose.
   
**   All office events are catered by the same kosher
restaurant over and over again, until you never want
to eat their food, smell their food or think about
their food again.
   
**   You have off on Jewish Holidays, Legal Holidays,
Christian Holidays, African Holidays, Canadian
Holidays, Calendar Holidays...
   
**   Women who take maternity leave never come back.
~~~APF:   Jillz Jewish Humor
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  SIMILARITIES BETWEEN REDNECKS AND FRUM JEWISH MEN   **   APF   Jills
Jewish Humor
 
** He has a double given first name (could be Bobbie Joe or Menachem Mendel?)
 
** He wears a wide brim fedora hat
 
** He smokes cigarettes (ala Marlboro Man or Motzey Shabbat)
 
** He is politically conservative (ie Rush Limbaugh or Meir Kahane).
 
** His goal is to be married with kids by eighteen
 
** He loves going to Friday night gatherings with his friends (Rebbe's Tish
or Tractor Pull?)
 
** He believes that his hero never really died (Elvis vs. the Lubavitcher
Rebbe, ZT"L).
 
** He drives around town in a beat-up old Pontiac whose main color is primer
and rust.
 
** You don't know exactly what language it is that he is speaking, but it
sure doesn't sound like English...
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Jewish  Country & Western Song Titles   **   More From Jill
 
** I Was One Of The Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else).

** I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?

** New Bottle Of Whiskey, Same Old Testament.

** Stand by Your Mensch.

** I Balanced Your Books, But You're Breakin' My Heart

** You've Been Talkin' Hebrew In Your Sleep Since That Rabbi
Came To Town.

** Mamas Don't Let Their Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys
(When You Could Very Easily Have Taken Over The FamilyHardware Business)

** That My Own Father Broke His Back To Start And Your Father Sweated Over
For 45 Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything To You

** Now That You're Turning Your Back On Such A Gift
To Ride Around All Day On Some Meshuggenah Horse).
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Sure Thing Bar Bet   **    From Andy's Archives

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television
when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to
jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the
first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off
the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The
same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the
second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the
guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

** Gathering Chickens   **   More From Andfy's Archives

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of
chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the
box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy
walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and
returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home,
expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed
to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with
seven."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Settled Out Of Coourt   **

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through
your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the
stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned
bull came home this morning."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Slice of Life   **   ASB:   Steve:   Ruskidad@...

  Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and
watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open
window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of
his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up
to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a
window back there?"

Joe says, "Yes I did."

"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the
dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed
into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital.
And it's all because you sliced the ball."

"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," says the the cop.
"Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Something To Think About   **

   Nathan Williams told of two men who had been business partners for over
twenty years. They met one Sunday morning as they were leaving a restaurant.

One of them asked, "Where are you going this morning?" "I'm going to play
golf. What about you?" The first man responded rather apologetically, "I'm
going to church." The other man said, "Why don't you give up that church
stuff?" The man asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, we have been partners for
twenty years. We have worked together, attended board meetings together, and
had lunch together, and all of these twenty years you have never asked me
about going to church. You have never invited me to go with you. Obviously,
it doesn't mean that much to you."

John A. Stroman, God's Downward Mobility, CSS Publishing Company.
Source: Illustrations, http://www.cybersaltlists.org
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Mathematics   **

What Does It Mean To Be 100% from a strictly mathematical
viewpoint?

What Equals 100%?  What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%.  How about
achieving 101%?  What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R ST U V W X Y Z Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-!  D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 =  101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:  While Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the
Love of God that will put you over the top!
                               +++++++++++++++++++++

**  How Undressing Reveals Your Personality  **
Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Caprio gives the following breakdown:  

HAPHAZARD UNDRESSER:  
If you throw your clothes all over the house, you are a  
friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your  
thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others  
think of you.  

METICULOUS UNDRESSER:  
If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully,  
you are a serious person who likes life very calm. You are  
comfortable with routine and you believe that the best way to  
deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place.  

SHOES AND SOCKS FIRST UNDRESSER:  
You are perfectionist, very shy, observant, dependable, intense  
and think before making decisions. You go about your tasks  
methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.  

SLOW UNDRESSER:  
If you take off the shirt and ten minutes later get around to  
the pants, you are extremely self-confident, intellectual, a  
deep thinker and don't like to be hassled. Usually you like a  
lot of free time for yourself.  

FAST UNDRESSER:  
If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are  
concerned about others and what they expect from you but you're  
worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented and stay  
extremely busy.  

JEWELRY OFF FIRST UNDRESSER:  
If you take off your rings, watch, etc. before anything else,  
you are warm, thoughtful, sensitive and romantic.  

NEVER THE SAME WAY UNDRESSER:  
If you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious,  
interesting person and you enjoy a broad range of activities.  
You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure. 
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
******
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

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**************************************************************************
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
to own any copyright privileges to them.   The work was sent as an item for
the mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
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received basis.

***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
give them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.
Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
Items. If you sign up for their list... BE WARNED... do so at your own risk.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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*******
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Sunday and Monday   2/19-20/06

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Sunday and Monday   2/19-20/06
***************************************************************
**  The greatest weapon of any Spiritual Warrior is love. Love will change
minds; love will forgive; love will let go; love will cause good luck;
love will heal; love will cry; love will get rid of resentments; love
will overcome fear. Love loves love. Any human who is loving will be
guaranteed respect. Respect loves love. We need to love and respect
ourselves.
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**   Every time we say, “I believe in the Holy Spirit,” we mean that we
believe
that there is a living God able and willing to enter human personality and
change it.     --J. B. Phillips

**  The spiritual weapon of self-purification, intangible as it seems, is
the most potent means of revolutionizing one’s environment and loosening
the external shackles. It works subtly and invisibly; it is an intense
process though it might often seem a weary and long-drawn process. It is
the straightest way to liberation, the surest and the quickest, and no
effort can be too great for it. What it requires is faith—an unshakable
mountainlike faith that flinches from nothing.     -Mohandas Gandhi

**   For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling
of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet
without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that
we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
- Hebrews 4:15,16

**  Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch
out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you
save me. The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD,
endures forever - do not abandon the works of your hands.
Psalm 138:7,8
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   "Fear imprisons, Faith liberates; Fear paralyzes, Faith empowers;
**   Fear disheartens, Faith encourages; Fear sickens, Faith heals;
**   Fear makes useless, Faith makes serviceable;
**   And most of all,
**   Fear puts hopelessness at the heart of life, while Faith rejoices in
it's God."---
~~~~~   Henry Emerson Fosdick

**  If today you are feeling the heat of a troublesome refiner's fire,
remember that God has
his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
  ~~~Crosborn@...   APF:   ChapNotes

**  The Lord Jesus says...
"Whoever acknowledges Me before men, I will also acknowledge him before My
Father in heaven. But whoever disowns Me before men, I will disown him before My
Father in heaven."

**   If Christ is an example, nobody needs him; but if he's a
  sacrifice, everyone does. - Fred Smith

**   "But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the
work
assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News
about the wonderful grace of God."   Acts 20:24

***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"
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==================================================

"The Funnies"       Sunday and Monday   2/19-20/06

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **    Sunday and Monday
2/19-20/06

**  "According to a study, they found common words used by  
happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also  
found common words used by other people to describe happy  
people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno  

**  "Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help  
but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this  
civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and  
free CDs from AOL." --Jimmy Kimmel  

**  "You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno.  
Look, the fact is the man is out there every night with  
fresh material and he's charming.  
--Stewie from The Family Guy  

**  When filling out my income-tax form, can
I claim the government as a dependent?

**  People are like trees.
Some are destined to be pillars,
others are destined to be toilet paper.

**  The only road to success is always under construction.

**   No matter what a man does, no matter how successful he seems to be in
any field, if the Holy Spirit is not the chief energizer of his activity, it
will all fall apart when he dies.     --A. W. Tozer

**  America believes in education: The average professor earns more money in
a
year than the professional athlete earns in a whole week. - Evan Esar


**  You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway. - Unknown

**  We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On
Anon Anon. - Paula Poundstone
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>
Andy Says...   Thanks Jack for leting me put into the funnies ,your inspiring
thoughts.   They too keep me going and I know I speak for my readers as well.
   God Bless You Jack and here is...
Still Shalom Always
~~~~~~Andy

  060217-2025
  Ref:  Ecclesiastes 3: 1.  There is a time for everything, and a season for
every activity under heaven.
   
  Time—Something we never seem to have enough of, and yet we take it so much
for granted.  We spend it like a lottery winner spends their winnings or we
worship its passing in our obsessive need for rest.  Yet, we use it to satisfy
our own pleasures, while those close to us reach out for our hand in fellowship
and care.  Even our children cry out for just a bit of our time with them. 
Then, in their passing, we deeply lament and sadly regret that  we did not
spend
more time. 
  Time--- A dimension so valuable to us, yet nonexistent in God's domain.  How
can this be?
  Today---God has given us today, to be everything we can be for Him, but how
will we use it? 
  Today Lord we need You.  Today we need to draw our strength from You, our
peace from You. Today is all we have.  Help us to not to worry about
tomorrow. 
Worries of tomorrow, only empties Today of its strength.
   
  PS: A week or so back I wrote a letter to all of you, regarding this
ministry.  I wrote about the reasons I administer my Email mailing list, etc. 
One
reader wanted to know if I no longer wanted comments or Email from any one.  I
thought I had made that clear in the letter I wrote, but I feel a need to
clarify whatever doubts anyone has about this matter. 
   
  I very much love to hear from anyone of you my readers about anything, good
or bad, about my “Thoughts.”  I would have never lasted this long without
them.  On May fifth, of this year, I will have been writing these
“Thoughts” for
a total of nine years, and I feel that the only reason I have continued, is
because you, my readers, who have encouraged me and given me the motivation to
continue on. 
   
  I copy each one of you Emails and paste it to the end of each month’s “
Thoughts.”  I do this for one reason; so when the Lord calls me home that, my
family will have something to pass on to their families that their
great-great-great grandpa wrote about this person called “Jesus;” the way
this world is
going, who knows what the future will hold, for our children.  The Lord said,
“
Many will fall away.”
   
  I want to give thanks to all of you who write me; words cannot express
enough how much your Email has meant to me, God bless.
   Jack
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    SATAN'S MEETING   **    ASB:   Wendy:          wendykarissa@...

(Read even if you're busy)

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons.
In his opening address he said,
"We can't keep Christians from going to church."
"We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth."
"We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with their
saviour."
"Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken."
"So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered dish dinners,
BUT steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a relationship with
Jesus Christ.."
"This is what I want you to do," said the devil:
"Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour and maintaining that vital
connection throughout their day!"
"How shall we do this?" his demons shouted.
"Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent innumerable schemes
to occupy their minds," he answered.
"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow."
"Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7
days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty
lifestyles."
"Keep them from spending time with their children."
"As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the
pressures of work!"
"Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small
voice."
"Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive." To
keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see to it
that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music
constantly."
"This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ."
"Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers."
"Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day."
"Invade their driving moments with billboards."
"Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and
every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and
false hopes.."
"Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands will
believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become
dissatisfied with their wives. "
"Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night."
"Give them headaches too! "
"If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to
look elsewhere."
"That will fragment their families quickly!"
"Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the real
meaning of Christmas."
"Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his resurrection and
power over sin and death."
"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive."
"Have them return from their recreation exhausted."
"Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation. Send
them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead."
"Keep them busy, busy, busy!"
"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and
small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences."
"Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power
from Jesus."
"Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health
and family for the good of the cause."
"It will work!"
"It will work!"
It was quite a plan!
The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to
get busier and more rushed, going here and there.
Having little time for their God or their families.
Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives.
I guess the question is, has the devil been successful in his schemes?
You be the judge!!!!!
Does "BUSY" mean: B-eing U-nder S-atan's Y-oke?
Please pass this on, if you aren't too BUSY!
I don't think I know 10 people who would admit they love Jesus.
Do You Love Him?
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

WHILE TOURING HISTORIC BUILDINGS in
Alexandria, Va., we visited an old church. The guide
said that George Washington had attended services
there and pointed to his pew.
         A reverent silence fell. The guide, encouraged, went
on to tell us that church services back then had been very
lengthy--not infrequently lasting three hours.
         The mood of the moment was shattered when an
anonymous voice whispered loudly, "So
George Washington slept here too!"
==================

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed.
   
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the
landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into
the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the
table and was just barely able to lift his withered
arm to the cookie sheet.
   
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip
cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly
whacked his hand with a spatula.
   
"Why did you do that?" he whispered.
  "They're for the funeral" she replied.
==========================

When you want a man to pay attention to you, wear a full-length black
nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure it's uncomfortable. 
But it makes you look just like his remote control.
==========================

  My boss' son is five years old. He attended his first funeral with
his family. I saw him on Sunday and asked him what he thought of it.   
His answer, "She was already dead when we got there."
==========================

My friend Linda, her sister, and I were driving in the
procession to the cemetery for the funeral of a distant
relative.  "Since we don't really know anybody, do you
want to head on home?" she asked.

When her sister nodded, Linda made a right turn.

She had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road
when she happened to look in her rear-view mirror.  The
rest of the procession was still following us!  
============================

My dinner party was headed for disaster. One man, an insurance salesman, was
monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation
involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming
increasingly uneasy. "In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got
all the money." I cringed. "The lawyers!" he shouted.
There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the
wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I love a story with a happy ending."
~~~Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jane Ghegan
============================

A woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as
it always happens, and paid the fine.
So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady
annoyed
at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with
this?"
   
"Keep it," the clerk advised politely.  "When you get three of them, you get
to
use your bicycle, ma'am!"
==============================

  During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage
  girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
   
  He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
  two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That
  quieted them down.
   
  When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
  front door. Three different adults apologized for going to
  sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
=========================

Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined
  some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British
  Columbia.  It was my first trip outside the United States.
   
  At the border, a guard asked how long we would stay in
  Canada.  Knowing it would be after midnight when we
  returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across
  the border?"
   
  "Any time, Ma'am," the guard replied.  "We never close
  Canada."
===========================

**   Another Repeat From Andy   **

  Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about
5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a
break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He
glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a
worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third. This went on for about 20 minutes. The
more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a
"Hillary in '08" bumper sticker on it. I try to have a little fun each day now
that
I'm retired... it's important at our age.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Gone Fishing   **

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told  
  me he was really something special.'  
   
  Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him.  
  The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing  
  like a bird.'  
   
  Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish  
  because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'  
   
  Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'  
   
  Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach  
  a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a  
  parrot fish.'  
   
  Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish  
  CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's  
  driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Going Bald   **

* He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.

* He's not bald... he just has flesh-colored hair.

* He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash.

* It's not that he's bald... he just has a tall face.

* There's one thing about baldness: it's neat.

* He's so bald - it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and
persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit
what hair you have!
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   IF MY BODY WERE A CAR   **     ASB:   Jack:   Jandjneuman@...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking
about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and
dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting
a little dull.  But that's not the worst of it. . .

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to
see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide
and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it . . .

almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter--either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Friendship   **

Friendship is a priceless gift that cannot be bought or sold.
But its' value is far greater than a mountain made of gold.
For gold is cold and lifeless.  It can neither see nor hear,
and in a time of trouble, it is powerless to cheer.

It has no ears to listen, no heart to understand.
It cannot bring you comfort or reach out a helping hand.
So when you ask God for a gift, be thankful if He sends
not diamonds, pearls or riches, but the love of real true friends.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Dead Jackass   **
  Father O'Malley rose from his bed.  It was a fine spring day in his new
Washington,
DC parish.  He walked to the window of his bedroom to a deep breath of the
beautiful day
outside.  He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
front lawn. 
Being from Boston, he promptly called his Massachusetts Senator for
assistance. 
     The conversation went like:
     "Good morning. This is Senator Ted Kennedy. How might I help you?"
     "And the best of the day t’ yerself. Mr. Senator.  This is Father
O'Malley at St. Brigid's. 
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.  Would ye be so kind as to
send a couple o'
yer lads to take care of the matter?
     Senator Kennedy, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now
father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
     There was silence on the line for a long moment.  Father O'Malley then
replied, "Aye,
that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
                            ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners   **   ASB:   Shirley:
tsfritsche@...

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  ***DINING OUT ***
  1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
  2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant
may not have dogs.
  ***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
  1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
  2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners
are.
  ***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
  1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
however, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.
  3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.
  ***DATING (Outside the Family) ***
  1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
  3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
  4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
  ***WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an
appearance.
  4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
  5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
  ***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
  1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
  3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
  5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
  6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
  ***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***
  1. All the DNA is the same.
  2. There are no dental records.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Even mismatched couples may described kindly.   **

1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
   
  2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
   
  3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
   
  4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.
   
  5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
   
  6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners   **

  My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
  My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
  My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
  My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
  My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
  My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
  My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food.
  My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
  My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
  My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
  My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
  My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
  My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
  My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food dish).
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Looking for Jesus   **

One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady. A
few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.
The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk said yes.
The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him
back up. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk said no.
The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher
said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk again said no.
The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time. He said,
"Have you found Jesus?"

The drunk said, "No! Are you sure he fell in here?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   New Dentures   **

Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures made a few weeks ago.

The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he
preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an
hour and a half.

I asked him about this. He then told me "Well, John, that first
Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my
dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I
accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    Book Logic   **

John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in
awhile?" whined Mari.
"Huh?" John responded.
"Look around you!" she yells as she points around the room. "All these
books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm
alive!"
"Oh. I'm sorry." look at me."
"Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "that's not a bad idea. Then I
could take you to the library every few days and change you for
something more interesting."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   To all customers   **
   
  As your friendly electric power company, we wish to thank you for all the
kind
extra monthly donations.
These donations are actually helping us, as we are trying to provide power
for
every business, residence, and church in your area.
   
  Please consider this our personal THANK YOU to each person, who is helping
us by increasing your most generous donations, every time you carefully leave

"ON" any electric light, or appliance, each time you are the last person to
leave
the room.
~~~ Signed,
~~~~~~Your grateful electric power company.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Andy Repeats for His Daughter who is now living in Hawaii for the
next 3 years courtesy of the Air Force.   She would be one that would
do this trick at that!   **

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in  
Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the  
water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and  
one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater  
exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I  
snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.  

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked  
him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.  

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I can't  
get out until you do." 
                               ++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Good Breakfast   **

One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law
as a room-service attendant.  During a medical convention at
the hotel, she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted
of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and a cheese danish.

"Now that's a heart attack waiting to happen," commented a
passing co-worker.

"Yeah," my sister-in-law replied. "And believe it or not, it's
just what the doctor ordered!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Funeral With Meaning   **

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days
making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to
come to his first services.

The following Sabbath the church was all but empty.

Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers,
stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty
to give it a decent Christian burial.

The funeral would be held the following Sabbath afternoon, the
notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral."

In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered
in flowers.

After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and
invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final
respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a
"dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the
coffin.

Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away
with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror!!
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Office Rules   **

1) If it rings, put it on hold.

2) If it clanks, call the repairman.

3) If it whistles, ignore it.

4) If it's a friend, take a break.

5) If it's the boss, look busy.

6) If it talks, take notes.

7) If it's handwritten, type it.

8) If it's typed, copy it.

9) If it's copied, file it.

10) If it's Friday, forget it!
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Birthday Present   **

On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister.  Out came a
beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup.

"Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!"

My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box.

As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my
father leaned over to my mother and whispered,

"I told you it was a tackle box.  Just look at all those lures."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Last Supper   **

A farmer & his hired man were eating breakfast at the local diner. Thinking
of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he
might as well go ahead & eat his dinner too.
The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time &
proceeded to eat.
After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might
as well eat your supper now too."
Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time &
continued to eat.
Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his
chair & began to take off his shoes.
"What are you doing?" the farmer asked.
The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++
******
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
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Friday - Saturday 2/17-18/2006
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Friday - Saturday 2/17-18/2006

**   "A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
***************************************************************
**   Only when we die to all about us do we live to God above us.
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  When we do the best that we can, we never know
what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of
another. - Helen Keller

**  Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead
of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre
of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation
represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and
weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than
it was before.    -- James Buckham

**  "When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon,
'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered,
'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'"
Jerry Lewis

**   A church member waiting to be asked to serve in his own church is just
like
the member of a family waiting to be invited to pull weeds in front of the
house
where he lives. APF: Laugh and   Lift

**  President Bush said in a speech in Washington that al-Qa'ida once
plotted a terrorist attack on Los Angeles. It makes no sense at all.
People who want to destroy America would never attack Hollywood, if
only out of professional courtesy.    -- Argus Hamilton

**  "Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to
do because they want to do it." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

**  "There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and
that is an idea whose time has come." - Victor Hugo

**  "You may live in an imperfect world but the frontiers are not closed
and the doors are not all shut." - Maxwell Maltz


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"The Funnies"         Friday - Saturday 2/17-18/2006

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **    Friday - Saturday
2/17-18/2006

**  Reasons Not To Wash   **
   
  1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone
else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is
best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the
summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time
 
  These reasons sound foolish but could reasons like these be the reason we
don't go to church?
                                ++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

060215-2024
  Ref:  1 Corinthians 2: 14.  The man without the Spirit does not accept the
things that come from the Spirit… for they are foolishness to him…
   
  Just as a tone-deaf person cannot appreciate fine music; so is it that the
person who rejects the Spirit of God cannot receive God’s message. There are
no
other lines of communication for them to hear God than by the Holy Spirit.
 Unbelievers cannot grasp the concept that God’s Spirit resides in the lives
of
believers.  If this were not true, then the World would not so reject such a
claim. 
   
  It’s not enough for us to just “Believe in the Holy Spirit”; the bible
says
that we are to “Receive the Holy Spirit.”  When the Spirit comes during
times of revival, it is very difficult not to yield, but it is quite another
thing
to receive Him.  When we yield to the Spirit we feel amazingly blessed for a
time and day, but when we receive the Holy Spirit, it means that we have
linked ourselves up with the power of the Spirit and we are letting Him have His
way in our living, in our doing, and in our thinking.  Does your faith
demonstrate that power in your life? 
   
  When you attend church and it comes time for the sermon, is your soul
stirred and moved when the minister comes to the pulpit with the attitude that
he
has comes with a sermon to preach, or does he come because he has to preach a
sermon?  Then afterwards does the congregation go away from the service saying,
"What a lovely sermon," or do they say, "I must do something to change."  Just
remember this, whenever Paul and the other apostles preached, it usually
ended with a riot or a revival.
                                    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **
   
  As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is
carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to
attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator
John Kerry."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Great
trade, sir."
========================

  I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at
6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant
yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four
miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
"we should reach the starting point any minute now."
==========================

When people found out Dick Cheney shot a lawyer his popularity rose
to 92 percent!
-- Jay Leno

President Bush said today he is standing by the vice president. Way
behind him.
-- Jay Leno
=========================

I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I
wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her -- it would be a great
chance to meet men. She looked at me and said, "But you can meet men
anywhere." I said, "Strapped down?"    -- Martha Raye
========================

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't
like flowers. I've been wearing a great scent. It's called New Car
Interior. -- Rita Rudner
========================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet?"
========================

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
==========================

  "Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and
sink my boats."     -Woody Allen
==========================

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told
him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her
a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses
with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the
young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses
in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
==========================

Mark drove his second shot from the fairway, not thinking he'd reach the
green being a par 5 and out over 200 yards. The ball did land on the
green & almost hit a fellow who was just finishing his putt. Mark went
up to apologize and to explain, but the man was irate, yelling &
screaming.

The man charged at Mark swinging his putter.
Mark who still had his 3 wood in hand, started swinging back at the man.

When the police and ambulance arrived they took Mark into custody, and
asked him how many times he hit the man. Mark replied, "Well I hit him
eight times but you can put me down for five."
===========================

Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the
class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny
and asked what he did over the break.

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania,"
he replied.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the
teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come
to think of it, we went to Ohio."
===========================

I was in the express lane at the store. Completely ignoring the sign, the
woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high
with groceries. The cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the
cart and asked, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Can you Imagine my delight?
==========================

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air
Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All
you idiots fall out."
   As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained
at attention.
   The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye
with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I
smiled and said,
   "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
==========================

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. 
After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a
new pilot."
============================


**  The Little Voice Speaks   **

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The
little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your
money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores
the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The
little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your
money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though
he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he
gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money,
go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes
increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the
pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and
heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells
him, "Go to Harrah's."  So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to
Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go
to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to
the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on
17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts
them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball
as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number...   21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   How To Become A Millionaire   **

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept
them in the pool in back of his mansion. One day he decides to throw a
huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I
have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars
to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge
alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large
splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and
screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as
though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other
side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire
was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it
could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain."

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, I want the person who
pushed me in that water!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    Bosses versus Workers   **

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Who's The Boss   **

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid
his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the
houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside
gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one
would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**  THIS TOWN IS SO SMALL   **

** The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

**   Main Street - one block long - dead ends in both directions.

** McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.

** The phone book has only one page.

** The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2.

** The New Year's baby was born in October.

** The ZIP code is a fraction.

** The city limits signs are both on the same post.

** Second Street is in the next town over.

** There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

** A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

** The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Going To Mars   **

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could
go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be
paid for going.  "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to
donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for
two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he
explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1
million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Laws of Slow People   **

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each
other.

2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver
to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.

3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in
their rearview mirrors, either.

4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying
to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at
the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the
highest speed.

5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up
with soggy ice cream every time.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Pastor Goes Into Overtime   **

The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His
talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still
preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes.  His wife managed a
small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come
to a close.

When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he
got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.

He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in
my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know
it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar
button instead of a lozenge."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Ole and Lena   **

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does
it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"  "Just a minute," said the
busy clerk.  "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
just take da bus."
===============

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged
non-support.  He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a
month for support."  "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole.  "And vunce in
a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
===============

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a
canoe?"  "No, I don't," said Ole.  "A canoe will sometimes tip,"
explained Lars.
===============

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled,
"Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
==============

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are
working".  Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."
==============

Ole and Lena got married.  On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.  Giggling, Lena said,
"Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."  So Ole drove to
Duluth.
==============

Ole died.  So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the
obituaries.  The gentleman at the counter, after offering his
condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.  Lena
replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"   The gentleman, somewhat
perplexed, said, "That's it?  Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be
something more you'd like to say about Ole.  If it's money you're
concerned about, the first five words are free.  We must say something
more."  So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You
put 'Ole died.  Boat for sale.' "
=============

"Hey, Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a
combine?"  After Sven replied, "I don't know," Ole said, "Only two, if
you run them through real slow."
=============

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride.  They had brought
along bananas for lunch.  Just as they began to peel them, the train
entered a long, dark tunnel.  "Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole
asked excitedly?  "No," replied Lars.  "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole
exclaimed.  "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
==============

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.  A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it.  "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to
svitch to a clarinet."  "How come," asked Lars? "Vell," Ole answered,
"because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
=============

My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it
embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
  "Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
=============

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.  While sitting on a bench a lady
turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"  Ole said, "No, I'm
Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Sweet Revenge   **

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with
an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at
the hairs on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors
hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull
his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what
was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips
of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick ..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to
last week."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Weapons of (???) Destruction   **

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and
a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General
Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The
FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of
math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said.
"They desire average solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
a search for absolute value. They use secret
code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there
are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest,
President Bush said, "If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Proclaim liberty throughout the land unto all the inhabitants thereof  -
Inscription on the Liberty Bell, from Leviticus 25:10   **
 
Cindy Sheehan asked President Bush, "Why did my son have to die in Iraq?"
Another mother asked President Kennedy, "Why did my son have to die in Viet
Nam?"
Another mother asked President Truman, "Why did my son have to die in Korea?"
Another mother asked President F.D. Roosevelt, "Why did my son have to die at
Iwo
Jima?"
Another mother asked President W. Wilson, "Why did my son have to die at
Belleau
Wood?"
Yet another mother asked President Lincoln, "Why did my son have to die at
Gettysburg?"
And yet another mother asked President G. Washington, "Why did my son have to
die
near Valley Forge?"
Then, long, long ago, a mother asked, "Heavenly Father, why did my Son have
to die on
a cross outside of Jerusalem?"
The answers to all these are similar -- "that others may have life and dwell
in peace,
happiness and freedom."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Shock Upon Entering Heaven   **

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
  as I entered Heaven's door,
  Not by the beauty of it all,
  by the lights or its decor.
   
  But it was the folks in Heaven
  who made me sputter and gasp--
  the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
  the alcoholics, the trash.
   
  There stood the kid from seventh grade
  who swiped my lunch money twice.
  Next to him was my old neighbor
  who never said anything nice.
   
  Herb, who I always thought
  was rotting away in hell,
  was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
  looking incredibly well.
   
  I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
  I would love to hear Your take.
  How'd all these sinners get up here?
  God must've made a mistake.
   
  And why's everyone so quiet, so somber?
  Give me a clue."
  "Hush child," said He "They're all in shock.
  No one thought they'd see you."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Left vs. Right   **

A Florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his
bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week" The florist is pleased and leaves
the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank
you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week". The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and
leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a
thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your
Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week. The Democrat is very happy and leaves
the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there's a
dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left
and right.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Oldest Profession   **

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the
oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician
removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, "Of
course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden."

"I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve,
before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of
chaos, wasn't it?  And who but lawyers could have created that?"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   She Is Full Of It   **

The son of a friend graduated from high school, so I sent a card to
congratulate him. I enclosed money and scribbled some words of wisdom inside.
He sent me a note back saying, "Thank you for the gift. Also thank you for
the advice. My mom always told me that you are full of it."
~~~Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jeanette Larson
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Fourth-grade Teacher   **

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she
returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting
absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it
before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why
are
you so well-behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that
if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Elementary Bible School Tests   **

This next piece comes from an elementary school. kids were asked questions
about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were
written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected but submitted
just as they were written by the students.   And away we go..............

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the
world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ARK.
Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during
the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which
is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up
to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the Apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in
the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in
the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before
they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan..

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is
another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. this is called monotony.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Liberal Democrat Goes To School, by her father   **


There was a young college girl that was about to finish her senior
year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat and was always at odds with her conservative Republican
father.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his
opposition to a large benevolent government, and tax equalization,
etc. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She
answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to
study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often
went sleepless because all of the studying. She didn't have time for
a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of
all her studying.

He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same
college, was doing.

She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never
studied, was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time.
She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over. He
then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and
ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend
that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.

She fired back and said, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really
hard for mine and Mary has done nothing!"

After a moment of silence, she replied, "Dad, quit trying to change
the subject.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++


**Today's CleanLaugh - "Some Great Malapropisms..."** APF: Cybersalt

**   "I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
**   "You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
**   "I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
**   "I used to be as sharp as a button."
**   "That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
**   "If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
**   "You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
                          +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put'
or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
  "'Putt' is correct," he replied.
  "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt
to do the same thing."
========================

**   Three mothers   **

Three mothers were sitting  around comparing notes on their exemplary
offspring. 
   
  "There never was a daughter  more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis
with a sniff. "Every summer she  takes me to the Catskills for a week, and
every
winter we spend a week at Delray  Beach."
   
  "That's nothing compared to  what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones
proudly. "Every winter she treats  me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer
two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own  private guest house."
   
  Mrs. Smith sat back with a  proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my
Jackie does. Nobody."
   
  "So what does she do?" asked  the two women, turning to her.
   
  "Three times a week she gets  into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in
the city, and pays him a hundred  and fifty dollars an hour just to talk about
me!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down
to the quick
was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails -- asked
her if yoga had
totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
============================

There was a knock at the door. 
It was a small boy, about seven years old.
  Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it
back. Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions a baseball and a
broken
window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the
boy exclaimed, "Wow!  I must have thrown it right through that hole."
===========================

******
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
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***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

*****
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Friday and Saturday   2/10-11/2006
ANDYCHAPS THE FUNNIES IS A NO SPAM ZONE:
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***************************************************************
**  God is every moment totally aware of each one of us. Totally aware in
happy or tragic, without the attention of God.     --Eugenia Price
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**   APF:   Pearls:   Larryb1939
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going!

**   "Fear imprisons, Faith liberates; Fear paralyzes, Faith empowers; Fear
disheartens, Faith encourages; Fear sickens, Faith heals;  Fear makes useless,
Faith makes serviceable; and most of all, Fear puts hopelessness at the heart
of life, while Faith rejoices in it's God."---Henry Emerson Fosdick.

**  A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds
balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.   - William A. Ward

**   In those times I can’t seem to find God, I rest in the assurance He
knows
how to find me.     --Neva Coyle
============================================================

The Following Quotes Come From: Gilbert M. Mabasa: The Teacher of:
  mgministries2000@...

**  Slaying the king and elder princes does not kill the kingdom but allows
the youngest heir to reign. Bad advisors inherited from some corrupt generation
will lead to the destruction of the new ruler. Do not kindle God’s wrath upon
you by bad advice

**  When God is with you, those in positions of authority may feel threatened
and hate you for your blessings. Much as they may set you up, God will upset
their set up and take you to higher ground. Maintain a healthy attitude
towards all and stay safe in God’s hands.

**  Only the peace of God purely preserves those persecuted while the pompous
pretend to present pungent pleasure in perpetual pain. When the perfect
prince of peace is born then the believer can have peace with God in spite of
challenges that may be around

**  It is not in the amassing of wealth that the worth of a person is real
for the perks of a job are but ways and means of keeping their minds from
thinking of engagement in real work. Some have ruined their lives and sold their
souls for the love of a few dollars.
***************************************************************

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"The Funnies"         Friday and Saturday   2/10-11/2006

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Something To Think About   **   Friday and Saturday   2/10-11/2006

**  As much as I long to see people come to have a stronger relationship with
God, I see how its not any effort of mine that will make this happen.  I
can plant all the seeds I want, but only God can water them and make them
grow.  This doesn't excuse me from being used by God, but it brings me to
an understanding that, only by God's will, shall it be done.     -Grady Guy

**  Forgetfulness, n.:  A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation
for their destitution of conscience.

**  Your child has started growing up when he stops
Asking you where he came from and starts refusing
To tell you where he's going.

**   Plunge boldly into the thick of life.
      - Goethe (1749 - 1832), Write

**   Luck is the residue of design.
      - Branch Rickey, Baseball Executive

**  What this country needs is a bumper as durable as a bumper sticker.

**  When going ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover

**  When your dog jumps on your bed it's because they love you. When
your cat jumps on your bed it's because they love the bed.

**  When a man is singing in the shower, it means the kids haven't used
up all the hot water.

**  Why hire someone with a divining rod to find water when a kid with
new shoes will do it for free?

**   Capture the moment, whover you are.   None of us is
here forever.    - Adrian

**   Every day is a messenger of God.
      - Russian Proverb

**   Look at your choices, pick the best one, then go to work
with all your heart.
      - Pat Riley, Pro basketball coach

**   One man practicing sportsmanship is far better than 50
preaching it.
      - Knute Rockne, football coach
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

  060208-2020
  Does it still happen today?
   
  After yesterdays “Thought #2019, I received several comments from one of my
readers.  She pointed me toward a book that was written by Tommy Tenney which
suggests that the glory of God does fall now and then on us even today.  I
began to write my thanks to this reader for her thoughtfulness in writing me,
but
as I wrote I decided to share this letter (Email) with all of you.  Sorry
again for the length.  I appreciate this reader so much; first because she does
write me and sometimes keeps me on the straight narrow, and second because she
has told me that she keeps me in her prayers for protection over my life.  I
consider that priceless in its effect.
   
  Dear Rita:  Thanks so much for answering.  Sometimes when I write, it is to
get my readers attention, and to consider raising their standards of being
more sensitive to the possibilities of what it could mean if, we are indeed the
Sons and Daughters of a infinite loving and merciful God.  What are the
possibilities of having such a relationship with our Father in heaven?   Just
consider, “What if,” or “Why not now?”  In fact, from the very
beginning of my
taking on this writing task, it was my hope to raise the expectations and
possibilities and sensitivities beyond that from which have sadly become our
“Norms.”
 God said that he made us in his image; the image of God He made us.  Not
since Adam has that possibility existed until Pentecost.   How privileged we
truly are in Christ.
   
  I wrote this “Thought (#2019)” as a challenge, in hopes that some of my
readers, just as you did, would write me back and say, “Well, I can remember
this
or that time, when the ground shook.  So, Yes, I do think that it happens
even today, and I know of several happenings of the past.  I will give just
one
of many that I know of.
   
  An acquaintance of mine back in the late sixties, was called to preach a
revival service somewhere in South America.  I think it was Peru.  So this
“great
man of God full of faith, power and strength” traveled down to this country
to bring the Word of God to these poor and somewhat ignorant people. 
Fortunately, he never considered himself all that great, but God had used him in
the
past to accomplish some remarkable things.  So, with great expectation, he
prepared himself for this task.  After he arrived, he spent several days
preparing
himself, turning down the offer of going about to see all of the sites in this
wonderful country.  Mostly he stayed alone, fasting and praying for God to
use him. 
   
  On the first service he spoke, many came to hear him and they were thrill
with his teachings and he was pleased that it had gone so well.  The second
evening the word had gone out among the people and more came.  Mostly the
people
came by foot or riding a burro.  On the third day this preacher found himself
struggling, nothing seem to come.  He did not understand it, but God seemed to
have gone on vacation.  He had grown use to receiving incite before he
preached.  When he arrived at the place of gathering, he was told that there
were so
many people had come to hear him that they had to rent the local nearby Soccer
stadium.  The people and entire families were arriving hours before the
service began.  Many had traveled for days to get there, and he realized that
the
Lord had not yet given him anything to preach; talk about pressure.  He look
through his briefcase and found a sermon that he had been was working on for
some Sunday service back in his own church.  He quickly got it out and put
some fixes on it, and hoped and prayed that this was enough.
   
  The service began and there was the customary singing and testimonies from
the previous night, and this man of God full of power and grace sat there
almost numb.  With this sermon in his hands and knowing full well that God had
not
given him anything to preach, he just sat there dry mouthed.   All to soon it
was his time to shine and this mighty man of God of faith and power, was once
more introduced.  With his knees were quivering, he walked to the podium and
as he lifted his sermon to lay it down and preach, the Lord seemed to tell
him, that this night belong to Him. 
   
  He began by saying how happy he was to be there, but God had prepared
someone else to give the sermon and turned and sat down.  There came a very
unnerving, uncomfortable, passage of time.  The local and visiting pastors,
seated in
the front, began a nervous shifting in their seats and the silence became
deafening.  It would be quite natural for one of them to take up the mantle of
responsibly, but not one moved.  Seconds turned into minutes that seemed like
hours, when out of the crowd a person stood up and walked to the podium.  His
manner and dress indicated that he was just a common framer or shepherd from the
local area.  He began to speak to this throng of people not needing a
translator, for what he spoke brought revival to the area and almost over
night, that
spirit of revival moved across that country.  Afterwards, no one remembered
who this commoner was.  No one could identify him as being their relative or
coworker.  He simply appeared and was gone.  Only God shared in the Glory.
   
  So does this happen today, Yes, I believe it does, but to God only, will be
the Glory.  
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **
My Daughter Wendy sent me this one.   I know I've sent one out similar to
this but this one includes quite a bit more.   It mis good to know that mom and
I
taught her really good!   LOL
===========================
**   Things That My Mother Taught Me**   ASB:   My Daughter
Wendy:   wendykarissa@...    Drop her a line/e-mail on this one
as I'm sure she'd love to hear from you on this one.

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

    4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
    " Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store                 with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an     accident."

    7. My mother taught me IRONY.
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    "If I! told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
         don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    "You are going to get it when you get home!"

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze !
          that way."

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Reasons Why Men Have 2 Dogs And Not 2 Wives   **  

1 The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.  

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.  

4. Dos don't mind it if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.  

6. A dog's parents never visit.  

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.  

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your  
point across.  

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in  
your wallet or desk.  

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.  

11. Dogs can't talk.  

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go  
24 hours a day.  

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're stumbling around in the dark.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.  

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.  

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died,  
would you get another dog?"  

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and  
give them away.  

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without  
calling you a pervert.  

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.  

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.  
They just think it's interesting.  

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.  

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.  

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.  

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.  

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.  

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++

**  John Taylor Gatto, former New York City and New York State Teacher of
  the Year has compiled the following list that he calls "The 20 Qualities
  of an Educated Person." In compiling this list, Gatto reviewed the
  answers to questionnaires given to a number of Corporate Personnel
  Managers and College Admission Officers. According to these two
  groups, an educated person will demonstrate:

  1. A broadly knowledgeable mind
  2. Self confidence
  3. A life purpose
  4. A touch of class
  5. Good leadership skills
  6. The ability to work with a team
  7. Patience
  8. Good public speaking skills
  9. Good writing skills
  10. Resourcefulness
  11. A desire for responsibility
  12. Honesty
  13. A public spirit
  14. The ability to work well alone
  15. An eye for details
  16. The ability to focus at will
  17. Perseverance
  18. The ability to handle pressure
  19. Curiosity
  20. An attractive personal style

(Do you notice how these have little to do with academic knowledge
  and skills, but a LOT to do with CHARACTER?)
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    Aren't OLD Ladies GREAT   **
(Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise
your mother when she is old.      Proverbs 23:22, NIV0

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and
in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   More Great Old Ladies   **

      Pastor Jim, a pastor in his first assignment and in his first month went
to see dear sister Jan in her room at the nurshing home.   When he got there
he was told that sister Jan was in Physical Therapy and would be back up in a
few minutes.   Those few minutes stretched out to a long time.   It was right
at 1:00 PM and pastor Jim had not eaten lunch yet as he started his day early
and kept on going missing both breakfast and lunch.   He noticed a bowl of
peanuts on Sister Jans bedside table.   He began to much on them being as hungry
as he was and ate every one of them.
      Finally Sister Jan came back to her room.   They were begining their
visit when Pastor Jim said, Sister Jan, I came up to see you and missed both
breakfast and lunch.   I was so hungy that I ate all your peanuts in the bowl by
your table.   I will bring you another bag of peanuts the next time I come to
visit you.
      Sister Jan spoke and said Don't worry young fellow Pastor.   I'm glad
that you ate them cause I can't eat them anyway.   You see, when I came into
this place, they put my dentures away and I cannot find them anywhere.  So I
just
suck the chocolate off of them and when I have the chocolate all sucked off,
I just put them into that bowl over there.   So between you and me, nothing
went to waste.   I used to throw them out but since I know how much you like
them, I will save all of them for you from now on.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Aren't Old Men Great   **
(Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise
your mother when she is old.      Proverbs 23:22, NIV

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old
now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   More Great Old Men   **

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
hear again."
  The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around
and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   More Great Old Men   **

On admission to the nursing home where I worked,
each new resident was interviewed by a social
worker.
During one session, an alert, twinkling-eyed,
96-year-old man was asked, "Did you have a
happy childhood?"
"So far, so good!" he replied.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
**  MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS 101   **
   
** Since the black keys on a piano are the hardest to learn if you painted
them white would it be easier to learn how to play the piano?
   
** How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

**   Was the piano invented just so the musician would have a place to put
his beer?

** Is it true that the reason bagpipe players walk while they play is that
they are trying to get away from the noise?

** Do you get an A flat minor if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

** Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? 
(Drool catcher?)

** What is the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

** Are some instruments in a drum-and-bugle corps purely cymbolic?

** Is it true that the difference between a guitar player and a mutual fund
is that when a mutual fund matures IT starts making money?

** Is it true that the bagpipes were actually invented by the Irish and as a
joke gave them to the Scottish who still haven't learned how to play them
properly?

** Why do they call the item used to play a violin or fiddle a 'Bow' when it
obviously doesn't even resemble one?

** Do people who play the washboard think of it as playing an acoustic
washing machine?

** Why is a mute called a mute when you can still hear the music?

** Why aren't there marching bands with kazoos and accordions?

** Did you know that the piano we play today was first called the
'pianoforte'? And that this actually means quietloud? Doesn't this mean that a
small one
should be called a piano while a large one should be called a forte?

** If you buy a set of drums, will there be repercussions?

** Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the
hardest thing to eat with?

** How come you always hear about organ donors but there's nary a mention of
piano donors?

** What did bagpipers play before that guy wrote "Amazing Grace"?

** If someone has a musical instrument, and noise comes out, does that make
them a musician?

** Can you fiddle with a violin?
ASB:  Old John Boy:   John STROADE Shay, Sr.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   More From Old John Boy   **       **   Valentine Jokes   **

** What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"

** What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch
on you!"

** Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of
guppy love.

** What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!

** What do you call a very small valentine? A VALENTINY!

** What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? "Be my valenstein!"

** What did one oar say to the other? "Can I interest you in a little
row-mance?"

** What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed
his plants!

** Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the
one you love!
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will
always do it. -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin

**   Here are some New Age Corporate and Investment acronyms:   **

** CEO - chief embezzlement officer.
** CFO - corporate fraud officer.
** P/E - parole entitlement.
** EPS - eventual prison sentence.
** BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
** BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
** MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
** VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower
** P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps
crashing.
** BUY, BUY - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step
off the
plane.
** STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
** STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
** FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs
to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
** MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
** CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toi
let.
** WINDOWS 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought
Yahoo at $240 per share.
** YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Someone who has owned equities for the last two
years and who's now locked up long-term in a hospital.
** PROFIT - A Religious guy who talks to God
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Just For Lawyers   **

     A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and
behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the
genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for
every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only
double."
     The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would
like
ten million
dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account
number and
assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the
world
has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
     "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly a
Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two
Ferraris," the
genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
     "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for
transplant."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

My Sunday school class of kindergartners was
studying the creation story.
After several weeks, we were ready to review.
"What did God make the first day?" I quizzed.
"The second day?"
They answered both questions correctly.
"And what happened on the third day?" I asked.
One little child, face shining with enthusiasm,
exclaimed, "He rose from the dead!"
==========================

      Joe's chemistry teacher wanted to teach his ninth grade class a lesson
on the evils of liquor so he produced a glass of water, a glass of
whiskey, and two worms. "Observe" he told his class as he began to put
one of the worms in the glass of water. This worm swam about freely
and looked as happy as can be.
      He then put the second worm in the glass of whiskey and it to swam
about for a moment but then started to shake and fell to the bottom
dead.
      "Now" he asked "What lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
      "That's easy," replied Joe. "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
===========================

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a
little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he
decided not to mention it to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he
spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing
to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked
up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get
out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other
shoe?"
==========================

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging laundry when a
tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from
the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she
walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall
and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and
the woman let him out.

The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway
and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the
woman finally pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog
comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"We have six children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
=========================

A woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries, "Doctor, you've got to
come as soon as possible. My husband is in really bad shape!"
The shrink rushes over.
The worried wife says, "Thank God you are here, doctor. Just go down
the hall. He's in the last room on the right."
The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's husband sitting on
the edge of the bathtub, dangling a fishline in the toilet.
He goes back to the wife and says, "Yes, this is very serious. But
why didn't you call me sooner?"
"Who had time?" the wife asks. "I've been cleaning fish all week."
==========================

  Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in
the White
House.  She has waited so long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best
serve
my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary says, "How
can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
=========================

A Game Warden stopped Jim Blount carrying a bucket of live fish. "Do You
Have a license to catch those fish?" he asked.
"No sir, These are my pet fish." Jim replied, "Every night I take them
Down to the lake and let them swim for a while. Then I whistle and they
Jump right back into the bucket."
"That's a bunch of baloney," said the game warden, pulling out a Citation.
"Follow me back to the lake, and I'll prove it to you."
Suspicious but curious, the game warden agreed. They walked back to the
Lake, where the camper poured the bucket of fish into the water.
"Okay, the game warden said, "now call them back."
"Call who back.?"
"The fish," replied the warden.
"What fish?"
========================

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One
Asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"H-m-m. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be
An engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"
=======================

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack
and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had
a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No,
you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
   
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen
shots, cheek implants, a face-lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She
even
had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years,
she might as well make the most of it.
   
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed
by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
   
She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to
40 years?"
God replied, "Shirley! I simply didn't recognize you!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++

**   Father and Son Letters   **

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply  can't think of anything I need, $o
if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to
hear from you.

Love, Your $on.
=============================================
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by
sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   It's All the Same   **

A Chinese guy is sitting next to a Jewish guy on an airplane.
Out of the blue, the Jewish guy slaps the Chinese guy so hard
That his head reverberates. The Chinese guy asks,
"What did you do that for?"
The Jewish guy says, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese guy says, "But Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese."
The Jewish guy says, "Japanese, Chinese, Korean, it's all the Same to me."
A few minutes of silence pass when out of the blue the
Chinese guy slaps the Jewish guy so hard that HIS head
Reverberates. The Jewish guy asks "What did you do that for?"
The Chinese guy says, "That was for the Titanic."
The Jewish guy says, "But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg."
The Chinese guy says, "Steinberg, Goldberg, Iceberg, it's all
The same to me."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Graveside Services   **

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
Grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no
Family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself
Lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a
Backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the
Workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
Already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his
Tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the
Deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
"I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never
Seen anything like that"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Lesson in Marketing   **

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross
in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look
at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting
behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the
beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of
David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country,
this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you
money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when
you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would
probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to
teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
******
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Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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** While thankful to God for all the medical science and all practitioners,
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help the sick body cure itself. Great as the curing of the body is, it is the
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**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

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**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of��
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized��
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"The Funnies"        Friday 2/10/06

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
======================================================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
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This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
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A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
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Dear Subscribers and friends of Andychap's The Funnies Ministry....

It is me at the keyboard and tickling the letters on it into making a funnies
and get letters out to family and friends.   I owe you an explanation as to
where I have been and why there has been no letters sent out with the Humor
with Inspirationals.   I had a stroke!

Yes, I did have a stroke but I   did not have slurred speech but I had
stuttering and couldn't get the words out.   They were in my mind but wouldn't
come
out. And yes it was a stroke.   It is called a CVA   or Cardiac Vascular
Accident.   This not only affected my speech but my vision as well.   The DR's
kept
waiting for it to affect my limbs as well but it did not.

This Stroke came on me suddenly and went away just as quickly as it did come
upon me.   When I was talking to the Neurologist who was my attending
Physician about this in preparation for my going home from the Hospital I asked
him
why this was so???   ... and he had about 6 or 7 students and residents with
him. He said "Because you are Lucky"

I patted my hand on my chest and said that it was because I had Jesus in my
heart.
I heard a Praise the Lord and lots of smiles on this testimony from the crew
of Doctors and
Students.

He also told me that the MRI that I had showed a clusters of white spots
which was an indication that I had had other strokes.   He said that there was
no
telling when or where or to what extent they were only that it showed up on
the MRI as having Strokes.   All that and I didn't even know it. God was sooo
good to not let these become full blown nasty strokes that would be disabling.
I would not have like that.   Reminds me of Job.   God told him that he could
do what he wanted to his body but he couldn't allow death to strike him.   So
there you have it
.
Stroke??? or Strokes???   I am alive and doing quite well as you can tell
from this letter.

Another   problem that I am having is back related in that there is so much
pain in my mid and low back and going down or through my whole right leg.   It
hurt so bad that I didn't know what to do.   A nurse made a hot pack out of
rubber gloves and that helped some.   Then I was encouraged to take a hot
shower.   I did for about 40 minutes.   Helped a good deal too but still the
pain
did not go away.  The 2 vicodin and 2 tramadol that they had given me didn't
even touch the pain and relieve it.   Finally I was able to lie down and go to
sleep.   I had a special med with me that I took and it put me to sleep. I was
getting it at the Hospital but in 3 divided doses.   I take 2 tablets at
bedtime and the other as needed.   It was so good t o get good sleep.

In the HJospital I was in a 4 man room It was a room that these 4 High isk
Patients.   These patients were constantly watched and I was one of these.   We
were high risk patients for falling and other things as well.   Even when I
went to use the rest room one of the watchers would watch me till I closed the
door and waited for me when I   got out.   There was a full time nurse and most
of the time 2 and they would do their work for the paper work for the wards
on the wards computer.
That was how we happened to have the full time nurse with us in case there
were emergencies and there were ... but not with me.   There were also 2 full
time nurses aids which changed every 8 hours.   Good to know that for every 24
hours that I spent in that room we all were under the watchful eye of medical
staff.   I can't say enough good about the VA Hospital here in SanAntonio.

When I came home, I was weak and tired (you get more tired from being in the
Hospital as they have to wake you on every shift coming and going to give you
meds and take your vitals.   Now I can sleep all night long or as long or as
little as I want, as long as my honey ... Lou doesn't get onto me for "not
taking care of your body by not getting enough sleep!"
You get the picture   on that one

Got to get going and I send you my love.
~~~Dave "Andy" Anderson
======================================================================

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Friday and Saturday:   1/27-28/2006
***************************************************************
**  Peace is not something you wish for; it's something you make,
something you do, something you are, and something you give away!
~~~Robert Fulghum
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God
who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that,
who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding
for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or
hardship or persecution or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these
things
we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that
neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the
future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all
creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ
Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:33-35,37-39 (NIV)
  "You're valuable because God thinks you're valuable!"

The following are from: ©Gilbert M Mabasa: The Teacher.
  mgministries2000@...

**   Slaying the king and elder princes does not kill the kingdom but allows
the youngest heir to reign. Bad advisors inherited from some corrupt
generation will lead to the destruction of the new ruler. Do not kindle God’s
wrath
upon you by bad advice

**  When God is with you, those in positions of authority may feel threatened
and hate you for your blessings. Much as they may set you up, God will upset
their set up and take you to higher ground. Maintain a healthy attitude
towards all and stay safe in God’s hands.
   

** ** Only the peace of God purely preserves those persecuted while the
pompous pretend to present pungent pleasure in perpetual pain. When the perfect
prince of peace is born then the believer can have peace with God in spite of
challenges that may be around
   
  **It is not in the amassing of wealth that the worth of a person is real for
the perks of a job are but ways and means of keeping their minds from
thinking of engagement in real work. Some have ruined their lives and sold their
souls for the love of a few dollars.
   
**  Though blinded on the gouging out of its eyes by the cruel hands of
humanity at birth, the kitten still covers its dirt behind it. Yet people are so
spiritually blind that they vainly sell their souls to the devil for pittance.
Christ liberates all.

**  Once the axe has been laid to the root of the unproductive tree, it is
useless for the branches to start pushing out their withering buds. Faking to
turn to God when judgment is at hand is like trying to swim after the pool has
been emptied. Hurry up in time!

**  Why show off your riches if you deny people access to their benefit? If
you are so proud that you want to be idolised then you better be prepared to be
executed by your detractors. Otherwise, be as good as rain that brings life
to all lands without fear.

**   That you drink and then do not know what you do when drunk does not
immunise you from the consequences of your conduct nor exonerate you from
accountability for your poor behaviour. Imbibing is a deliberate act of numbing
your
mind. Arise and shine!

**  As the striker approaches the ball to take a penalty kick, he sees the
goalie not as a problem but as a challenge. Hardships in life well met leave the
liver wiser and stronger. Hence see not problems that paralyse but meet with
challenges for life.

***************************************************************

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"The Funnies"

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**  "Your life is not valuable because you're an articulate speaker; your
life is not valuable because you're a generous person." - Rich Mullins

**  Before you act, pray and seek the mind of Christ until you know it is God
behind the action.
Check it out with others. You may save yourself a trip to the desert...UNLIKE
MOSES!

**   "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you
don't throw away the ticket and jump off.  You sit still
and trust the engineer."      - Corrie Ten Boom

**   You're not as young as you used to be.   But you're not as
old as you're going to be.   So watch it!   Irish Toast

**   I am not a speed reader. I am a speed understander.
Isaac Asimov, scientist, author

**   It is not because things are difficult that we do not
dare; it is because we do not dare that they are
difficult.     Lucius Annaeus Seneca,   Roman philosopher and writer

**   The loftier the building the deeper the foundation must be.
Thomas ã Kempis

**   A good plan is like a road map: it shows the final
destination and usually the best way to get there.
H. Stanley Judd

**   Offering advice may be noble and grand, but it's not the
same as a helping hand.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

*   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

  060123-2017
  Ref: John 1:10 - 14 (NIV) 10He was in the world, and though the world was
made through him, the world did not recognize him.  11He came to that which was
his own, but his own did not receive him.  12Yet to all who received him, to
those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—
13children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s
will, but born of God. 14The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.
We
have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father,
full of “Grace and truth.”
   
  I think the question we must ask ourselves is, “Would I recognize God if He
came to us?”  For some of us, God would have to speak in King James
English. 
What about if God came to you in a manner that you had not expected— in the
midst of an award ceremony or through a person pushing all of their belongings
in a grocery cart?  What if God would come to us as a common carpenter, the son
of Joseph? 
   
  I believe that God can use anything or anyone or any denomination to confirm
or deny His truth.  It is for us to become aware of “His presence.”  It is
for us to recognize that our creative God seldom does anything the same way
every time.  It is for us to recognize that whatever we encounter, it must come
to us full of “Grace” (the empowering presence of the Holy Spirit) and
truth.
   
  Satan is a great imitator of God, so beware that the peace you feel.  Is it
of God or is it of Satan?  Inviting Jesus Christ into one's life, guarantees
us the strength to overcome evil by the Blood of Jesus Christ, but you cannot
partake of God's promise of salvation when flesh is the “master” and God is
defined only in terms of the truth of our own understanding.
   
  Dear friends, preaching from prejudice or presumption is dangerous, it makes
one dogmatic, judgmental and dead certain that we are correct.  Are we really
all that much different from the Pharisees?  Are our prejudices and
pre-determined beliefs so locked in concrete that only the “second-coming”
could
awaken our dead determined minds?  

Ref: Acts 4:32 - 33 (NIV) 32All the believers were one in heart and mind.  No
one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared
everything they had.  33With “great power” the apostles continued to
testify to the
resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much “Grace” was upon them all. 
                               +++++++++++++++++++++

**   RESUME FAUX PAS   **
*****Typos and Grammar Slips

**   "Suspected to graduate early next year."

**   "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

**   "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

** "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

**   "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

**   "I am a rabid typist."

**   "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

**   "Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

**   "After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to
pursue a new line of work."

**   "Accounting cleric."

**   "As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing
investments."

**   "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

**   "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

**   "Fired because I fought for lower pay."

**   "Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6'5"."

**   "Please disregard the enclosed resume--it is terribly out of date."

**   "Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10."

**   "Qualifications: No education or experience."

**   "I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy."

**   "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

**   "Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC."

**   "Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near."

**   "Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.'
I prefer to elaborate privately."
~~~APF:   MIKEY'S FUNNIES:   www.mikeysFunnies.com
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

** My Job as an ACCOUNT    **

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't
want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the
job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  "Excerpts From 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'"   **   APF:"  [Cybersalt

  1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
  So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined
the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often
frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of
your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace
them
with your presence.
  What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other
cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries,
but the answer is actually rather simple:
  THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
  Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting
the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other
activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do
ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but
they
are nowhere as easy to train.

  2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
  Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important
activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting
business,
spending time with their families or even sleeping.
  Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your
advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually
so
flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of
its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
  Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you
want:
  Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of
it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They
will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over
this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well
with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
  Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and
4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time,
you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent
haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers
to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human
from getting suspicious.

  3. Punishing Your Human Being
  Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly
resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to
punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely
to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we
offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
  * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
  * Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic
interlude.
  * Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball
attack.
  * After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand
by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
  * While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

  4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
  The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the
thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans
prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a
slowly
expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and
playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
  After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following:
cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the
occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals
(birds,
rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see
the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

  5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight
are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans
(at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But
what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take
you so far.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Today's CleanPun - "Arrest Report"   **

  A fellow is walking down the street, and is accosted by a policeman. After
brief questioning, the gentleman is arrested.
  On facing the Magistrate, the policeman's statement is as follows, "Your
Honour, the defendant was on Smith Street, carrying, on his back, a desk. He
clutched in his left hand a typewriter, in his right, a wastepaper basket."
  "I arrested him for impersonating an office, sir."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT GOD   **
Before you even open your mouth know this
Every word you say has the capacity to build

Consider therefore what you ever pronounce
As you will be held accountable for all uttered
Ruin has come by through loose talk in offices
Excruciating pain has been inflicted by words
Families have been broken through cheap talk
Using jargon to confuse the simple is treachery
Let not your wit be an excuse to exploit others

Whatever you do remember God never jokes
He may indeed have a sense of humor for you
And yet he takes exception to abuse of his name
Therefore never use God’s name out of his will

You may wonder where the power comes from
Or indeed think that it does not really matter
Ultimately you will realise that words can kill
   
Sincerely state your position regardless of time
Always stand upon the truth that frees indeed
Your testimony should emanate from within

Accept that there are things you do not know
Believe that you can learn from others people
Observe the differences around you all the way
Understanding the reality of individual variation
Then will you be able to proclaim what is noble

Give your best in all that you do as unto God
Obey the inner voice that guide your inner man
Display the uttermost integrity and be blessed

  ©Gilbert M Mabasa: The Teacher!
  011 403 314 or 091 227 141   mgministries2000@...


********************************************************************************\
*

Magali <magali@...> wrote:
        **   Never doubt the Word of God    **

Make a personal reflection about this. Very interesting, read
until the end... It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7):
" Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth,
that shall he also reap.

Here are some men and women who mocked God:

JOHN LENNON:
Some years before during his interview with an American Magazine, he
said:  "Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do not have to
argue about that. I am certain. Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too  
simple,Today we are more famous than Him" (1966)".
  Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus
Christ,was shot six times.

TANCREDO NEVES:
During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500 votes fromhis
party, not even God would remove him from Presidency. Sure he got the
votes, but he got sick a day before being made President, then he died.

CAZUZA:
During a show in Canecão ( Rio de Janeiro ), whilst smoking his
cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said: God,
that's for you.  I can't even explain how he died.

THE MAN WHO BUILT TITANIC:
After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the
Titanic would be. With an ironic tone he said: "Not even God can sink it"
The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic.

MARILYN MONROE:
She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show. He
is a preacher and Evangelist and the Spirit of God had sent him to preach
to her.  After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said:  "I don't
need your Jesus"  A week later, she was found dead in her apartment.

BON SCOTT:
The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:
"Don´t stop me, I´m going down all the way, wow the highway to
hell".  On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he
had been shocked by his vomit.

CAMPINAS/SP IN 2005
In Campinas, a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend. The
mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the
drunkenness  of her friends and she said to the daughter - holding
her hand, who was already seated in the car: "MY DAUGHTER, GO WITH GOD AND
MAY HE PROTECT YOU", She responded: ONLY IF HE (GOD) TRAVELS IN THE  
BOOT, COZ INSIDE HERE IT'S ALREADY FULL"  Hours later, news came by that
they had been involved in a fatal accident, everyone had died, the car
could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but surprisingly, the
boot
was intact.  The police said there was no way the boot could have remained
intact. To their surprise, inside the boot was a crate of eggs, none was
broken. Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other
name that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus. Many have
died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive.
JESUS!!!

     What benefit does it have, if a man gains the whole world but
loses his soul?  What can man give in exchange of his soul? (Mathew
16:26).   JESUS
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

  A minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken  
dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a  
rooster come strutting through the yard.  

"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister  
commented.  

"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud--  
one of his sons just entered the ministry."  
====================


**   SHIRLEY'S MAKEOVER   **

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she
had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near-death
experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said,
"No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and
have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift,
liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone
dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40
years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked
out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was
killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She
arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I
had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I
didn't recognize you!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Roll Call   **

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling
out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames".............."Here!"
"Jenson"............"Here!"
"Jones"............."Here!"
"Magersky".........."Here!"
"Seeback"..........." --
"Seeback!".........." --
"SEEBACK!!"........." --

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear.    He
looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the
list and continued calling the names printed on the
other side.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Procrastinator's Creed   **

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount
of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior
to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

Don't procrastinate too long before you send this along to a fellow
procrastinator.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   More Daffynitions   **

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like,
submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

********************************************************************************\
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

******
**
***
****
*****
******
Saturday - Sunday   1/21-22/2006
***************************************************************
**  Mahatma Gandhi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is
the attribute of the strong." Be strong. Forgive
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  Mercy often wears the face of forgiveness. And though it usually
isn't an enemy in uniform that we are challenged to forgive, we have
opportunities for mercy everyday. Family members and friends, co-
workers and neighbors and even strangers have need for our
forgiveness.   APF: gardenerforchrist

**  We are only finite human beings. We can only see the present and the
past. 
The future is a little frightening to us. So we need to hold onto God’s hand
and trust Him to calm our fears.  And at those times when we’re stubborn
and resisting and He shakes us by the shoulders to get our attention, we’re
reminded that we don’t call the shots.  God has a plan for us, mysterious
though it may seem, and we want to be in the center of it.  All the risks
     notwithstanding, the center of God’s will is still the safest place
on earth
to be.     ~~~--Charles Swindoll
===========================

The following are quotes from:  Gilbert M. Mabasa: The Teacher:
mgministries2000@...

**  There is no benefit of throwing some good at someone when you do not know
how that good helps that person. Zeal without knowledge can indeed kill.
Hence we need to have knowledge as we put our faith in action. Give wisely.

**  All those born again are equal in Christ and are related by blood, the
blood of Jesus Christ that was shed for all. Regardless of race, tribe, class or
status, all are equal before God either as sinners bound for death or saved
unto eternal life. Which are you?

**  Fear of losing face may cost you opportunities to heal wounds, if you
refuse to come together and deal with the hurts you have inflicted upon each
other and so upon yourselves. You surely can improve your face value by removing
the fear. Be frank.

**  All Christians should love one another and be loyal to one another,
helping each other first before they help the non-Christians. That way those who
do
not know God will seek and find Him so that they have this love too. Proclaim
God’s goodness.

**  A rumour that there is someone groaning with apparent pain, genuine or
feigned, is no cause to spend. In your attempt to bandage the unseen wound you
may end up aggravating it or contracting disease that you then spread to your
beloved.

**   God’s matematics is not bound by numbers. Fear not ever being
overwhelmed by unreal strangers as that will result in the recruitment or
allowing into
membership of persons on the basis of social and racial grouping regardless of
their standing in Christ.

***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"   Saturday - Sunday   1/21-22/2006
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"The Funnies"        Saturday - Sunday   1/21-22/2006

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **     Saturday - Sunday
1/21-22/2006

**   I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for
  you. It was much cheaper back then.
   
**   An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they
  aren't treated like an adult.

**  By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is
established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare
and beautiful treasures.    Proverbs 24:3, NIV

**   "The Word of God has a supernatural edge with which a million-dollar
budget can never compete." - Joseph Stowell

**  1…I SUPPOSE WE ALL HAVE OUR RECOLLECTIONS OF OUR EARLIER HOLIDAYS, ALL
BRISTLING WITH HORROR..---FLANN O’BIREN

2…THE HABIT OF GOING TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS USUALLY LANDS A MAN ON TOP.
ORIGIN OBSCURE

3…WHEN I WAS SIX, I MADE MY MOTHER A LITTLE HAT – OUT OF HER NEW BLOUSE.
LILLY DACHE

4…THE TONGUE IS LIKE A SHARP KNIFE; IT KILLS WITHOUT DRAWING BLOOD. CHINESE
PROVERB

5…DUTCH TREAT; WHEN TWO BUSINESSMEN HAVE DINNER AND EACH USES HIS OWN EXPENSE
ACCOUNT.---SPEAKER UNKNOWN

6…NEXT TO ENTERTAINING OR IMPRESSIVE TALK, A THOROUGH – GOING SILENCE
MANAGES TO INTRIGUE MOST PEOPLE.---FLORENCE HARRIMAN

7…NO BIRD SOARS TOO HIGH WHEN HE SOARS WITH HIS OWN WINGS. WILLIAM BLAKE

8…LOVE AND THE HOPE OF IT ARE NOT THINGS ONE MAN LEARN; THEY ARE PART OF
LIFE’

S HERITAGE.---MARIA MONTESSORI

9…THE SUCCESSFUL MAN WILL PROFIT FROM HIS MISTAKES AND TRY AGAIN IN A
DIFFERENT WAY.---DALE CARNEGIE

10..THE STARTING POINT FOR ALL ACHIEVEMENT IS DESIRE, KEEP THIS CONSTANTLY IN
MIND.---NAPOLEON HILL
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

  060119-2016
  Ref:  John 15:11.  That My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be
full.
   
  There is a great difference between “Joy” and “Happiness.”  Happiness
depends on what happens around you.  These are elements in the circumstances of
life.  These are elements that cause our emotion to react in a pleasant way. 
   
  Jesus did not walk around telling folks to “Cheer up, things could be
worse,”
  He spoke of “Joy in the Lord.”  Pure “Joy,” that is, God’s imparted
“Joy”
is independent of all situations or circumstances.  It is a great miracle of
the Christian life to have His “Joy” in the midst of external misery.  It
is
a piece of God’s own nature that is given to us.  It is a wonderful thing to
have the knowledge that God rules and reigns and rejoices, giving us “Joy”
for
your strength.  Joy that empowers us to work until the misery is removed or
the Grace of God is sufficient.
   
  What was Jesus’ great joy?  It was to do the will of His Father, and He
wishes that joy to be ours.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++
**   Short Takes   **

  My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
====================

"Pity the poor insomniac dyslexic agnostic. He stays up all night wondering
if there really is a dog."
===================

I've always loved the story of the cowboy who was riding
along and came upon an Indian lying flat on the ground with
his ear pressed to the earth.
   
The Indian said, "Wait. Wagon. Two miles off. Drawn by two
horses. One black. The other gray. Four people on board:
man in a red flannel shirt, his wife, and two kids."
    
The cowboy was very impressed. He said, "It's amazing you
can tell all that just by listening to the earth."
   
The Indian said, "No. They ran over me thirty minutes ago. Go
after them!"
===================

"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try
to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you
only have two ears, boy."
"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
====================

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After
watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over. "Your hard drive
crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. 
The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the
problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
=====================

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands
flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we
talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay
them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
====================

Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local
college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of
the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the
air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights
for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
  I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The
computer is over there."
===================

A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray
every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but
his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't
bother to ask anymore.
   
  Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the
hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the
room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies.
   
  "Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked.
The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "I bet you're glad I
stopped praying when I did."
====================

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life,
so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the
hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had
managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy
gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a
cord. "What's that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the
interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern
replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around
here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch
it on herself."
=====================

**   Osama and the Pearly Gates   **  ASB"   Steve:   Ruskidad@...

   When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met
him at the Pearly Gates.  He slapped him across the face
and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy  the nation I
helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and
shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said,
"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the
common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane
and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to
write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason,
James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed
their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin
Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians
waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The New Pastor Goes Czlling   **    (From the files of Andy)

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one

house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the
back of it and stuck it in the door.When the offering was processed the
following Sunday, he found that

his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
3:10."   Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I
was naked."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   New Health Observations **    APF:   mavery@...

  In an online forum I'm in there was a recent discussion of diet and
health.  It raged for some time, until someone shared the following
observation...

This is truly ground-breaking information.  As usual, there is good news and
bad news!

Here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Science Exam   **

Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning.... If you need a
laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real
answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates
a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.go., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts--- the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O,
and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Marriage Fidelity   **  Andy says, please look beyond the happenings of
this till you get to the end and you will see why I included it in this issue
of the funnies.   I in no way indorse the living that let up to the punch line
of this piece, but I do indorse the end result.   God Bless...   Andy

**  The Morning After   **

Tom wakes up at home with a terrible hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table...
Then he sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed...
Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotless, clean.
He heads into the living romm, and it's also immaculately clean.
Then he walks back into the bedroom, takes the aspirins, and notices
a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love
you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, "Son, what happened
last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Tom asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone,
I'm married!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**  "Market Conditions"   **

  The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she
said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
  "This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's
bullish or bearish right now."
  "He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's
sheepish."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**  How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales   **

  1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning,
without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight
you've lost overnight.

  2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

  3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at
least a pound.

  4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always
five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.

  5. Always go to the bathroom first.

  6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving
them is optional but occasionally helps!)

  7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in,
completely naked, of course.

  8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of
hair (hopefully).

  9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to
weigh something, right?)

  10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel
rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the
rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least
two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Diagnostic Blonde   **

A gorgeous young blonde woman went to her doctor complaining of pain...
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow,
that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his
diagnosis:

"You have a broken finger."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Fishermen's Stories   **

Two ardent fishermen met on their vacation and began swapping stories
about the different places they had fished, the kind of tackle used, the
best bait, and finally about some of the fish they had caught. One of them
told of a vicious battle he once had with a 300-pound salmon. The other man
listened attentively. He frankly admitted he had never caught anything quite
that big. However, he told about the time his hook snagged a lantern from
the depths of a lake. He said: "the lantern carried a tag proving it was
lost back in 1912. But the strangest thing of all was the fact that
It was a waterproof lantern and the light was still lit inside of it!"

For a long time the first man said nothing. Then he took one long deep
breath and then said to the other man. "I'll tell you what I'll do," he said
slowly.
"I'll take 200 pounds off my fish, if you'll put out the light in your
lantern."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  From British Newspapers   **

         1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.
Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree
it was rather high for the time of year. It's
possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed
his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

         2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for
shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear.
When asked why, she said it was because she
was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The
Manchester Evening News)

         3) Irish police are being handicapped in a
search for a stolen van, because they cannot
issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it
looks like. (The Guardian)

         4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on
a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man
on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too
common". (The Times)

         5) At the height of the gale, the
harbourmaster radioed the coastguard and
asked them to estimate the wind speed. They
replied they were sorry, but they didn't have a
gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had
just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

         6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue,
Boscombe, delighted the audience with her
reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who
was sent each week to do her garden. He was
repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but
when the crocuses came up in the middle of our
lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil
Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

         A LIST OF ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS
THAT LONDON TUBE TRAIN DRIVERS HAVE
MADE TO THEIR PASSENGERS...

         1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize
for the delay to your service. I know you're all
dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen
to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll
want to cross over to the Westbound and go in
the opposite direction."

         2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the
line controller suffering from E & B syndrome:
not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
you know any further information as soon as I'm
given any."

         3) "Do you want the good news first or the
bad news? The good news is that last Friday was
my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points
failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."

         4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for
the delay, but there is a security alert at
Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for the foreseeable future, so let's take our
minds off it and pass some time together. All
together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."

         5) "We are now traveling through Baker
Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed.
It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't
think about things like that".

         6) "Beggars are operating on this train.
Please do NOT encourage these professional
beggars. If you have any spare change, please
give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give
it to me."

         7) During an extremely hot rush hour on
the Central Line, the driver announced in a West
Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentlemen... Unfortunately, towels are
not provided."

         8) "Let the passengers off the train
FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
going home...."

         9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not
to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors
open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."

         10) "Please note that the beeping noise
coming from the doors means that the doors are
about to close. It does not mean throw yourself
or your bags into the doors."

         11) "We can't move off because some idiot
has their hand stuck in the door."

         12) "To the gentleman wearing the long
grey coat trying to get on the second carriage
-what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you understand?"

         13) "Please move all baggage away from the
doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings
away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit
wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the
pie down four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf
clubs away from the door before I come down
there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

         14) "May I remind all passengers that there
is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the
Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the
rest of the carriage."
*******************
         We get hit up by door-to-door salespeople
all the time, and they always seem to miss the
"Absolutely no solicitors" sign on the door. My
officemate put up a new sign:

         To solicitors:

         Please remove rings, watches, belt buckles,
and other metal objects before entering. Our pit
bull has trouble digesting such items. Thank you
for your cooperation.

         Believed to be original from Scott Wallace
APF:   WestiMom
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

** Andy's Comments on year 2005 on Information That I Learned   **

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
your e-mails over the past 12 months.
 
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
 
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
 
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
 
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.
 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
(I never knew that was an issue)

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
 
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
 
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
 
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.
 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
 
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
 
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
 
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
 
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
 
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
 
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers
if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
 
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
 
I no longer own a car, I sold it when I found that there will
always someone leaving notes on it or waiting in the back seat to kill
me.
 
Oil Companies will lower their prices if we all boycott gasoline
for a day.
 
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I
will now return the favor!
 
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, Your phone will ring at exactly 11:00 PM (EDT),
informing you of a large dove with diarrhea that will land on your head
tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
 
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician who is a Lawyer working at a Police Station somewhere

Can't doubt that proof !! and with that I, Andychap wish you a
Happy New Year in 2006!
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Bubba's First Date   **

Bubba is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to
talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father explains:

"My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food,
family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go off to a soda fountain. Ice
cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long
time, as the boy's nervousness builds...
Suddenly, he remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first
topic.  He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable moments, the boy thinks of his
father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list...
He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No," and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card...
He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl, "If you had a
brother, would he like spinach?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++
******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

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If for any reason you need to change your mailing address just
unsubscribe your old mailing address and subscribe your new
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**************************************************************************
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
to own any copyright privileges to them.   The work was sent as an item for
the mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
piece is known, credit will always be given.   Items are published on a first

received basis.

***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
give them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.
Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
Items. If you sign up for their list... BE WARNED... do so at your own risk.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*
*
*
===================================================
*
*
*
* * * Andychap@... * * *
*
*
*







Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

*********
**
***
****
*****
******
Thursday   1/18/06
***************************************************************
**  "The existence of the Bible, as a Book for the people, is the greatest
benefit which the human race has ever experienced. Every attempt to
  belittle it is a crime against humanity." - Immanuel Kant (Philosopher)
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the
heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time
to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a
time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a
  time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. (King Solomon)

**  "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this
great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians;
not on religions, but on the gospel of Jesus Christ.  For this
very  reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum,
prosperity, and freedom of worship here." 
--Patrick Henry  (original member of the Continental Congress)

**  For Christians, the life and death of Jesus are the ultimate
expressions of love, and the supreme demonstrations of
God's mercy, faithfulness, and redemption. Since Christ's
miraculous Resurrection on Easter, more than 2,000 years
ago, Christians have expressed joy and gratitude for this
wondrous sacrifice and for God's promise of freedom for
the oppressed, healing for the brokenhearted, and salvation.
      --President George W. Bush

**  "America was born a Christian nation. America was born
to exemplify that devotion to the elements of righteousness,
which are derived from the revelations of Holy Scriptures.
Part of the destiny of Americans lies in their daily perusal
of this great book of revelations. That if they would see
America free and pure they will make their own spirits
free and pure by this baptism of the Holy Spirit."
--President Woodrow Wilson

**  "The Bible has been the Magna Charta of the poor and oppressed.
  The human race is not in a position to dispense with it." - Thomas
  Huxley (Author & Scientist)

**  "The whole hope of human progress is suspended on the ever
  growing influence of the Bible." - W.H. Seward (Secretary of State)

**  Whatever merit there is in anything that I have written is simply
  due to the fact that when I was a child my mother daily read me
  a part of the Bible and daily made me learn a part of it by heart."
  - John Ruskin (art critic and social commentator)

**


***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"
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"The Funnies"         Thursday   1/18/06

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **     Thursday   1/18/06

**  No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

**   "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
-- Victor Borge

**  "Laughter is an instant vacation."
-- Milton Berle

**  "What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul."
-- Yiddish Proverb

**  "The human race has one really effective weapon,
    and that is laughter."   --Mark Twain

**  "If somebody makes me laugh, I'm his slave for life."
--Bette Midler

**  "Laughter is by definition healthy."
--Doris Lessing

**  "Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects."
--Arnold Glasow

**   "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon
    without springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher

**  Take the best medicine of all for what ails you -- laughter:  
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

  060116-2014
  Ref: Matthew 7: 13-14.  Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and
the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are
many.  For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and
those
who find it are few.
   
  Has the philosophy of “Peace at any Price” invaded your family, or entered
your church?  Does the Bible say, “Narrow is the way that leads to
destruction?
”  No!  Narrow is the way that leads to life, and very few have embraced
this
spiritual fact.  As a believer, if you are not feeling squeezed by the path
you are walking, then perhaps you should look to see if you may have taken that
short cut that looks easier, or that detour, to avoid some test in your
life.  The Bible tells us that without God and His Grace, man is a weak
creature,
seeking only those things which please the flesh, and thus we find ourselves in
bondage by our own flesh, a slave to something in life take makes you no
longer free.  We make excuses for our transgressions, blaming others, but the
real
cause is the”self” that resides in us. This is the part of us that requires
being in control.  It is that part of us that Jesus said must be
“crucified.”
   
  Understand that the person of Satan will always there, standing as your
accuser?  He will be attempting to bring doubt to your minds and timidity to
your
heart.  He will intentionally bring up issues that divide, especially the Body
of Christ, i.e.… the authority of women in the church; should a divorced
person be allowed to serve as an elder or be allowed to remarry; the homosexual
issue; the death penalty; etc.  For many of you, the answers to a few of these
issues seem obvious, yet in truth, the Body of Christ is divided over all of
these issues, and for that matter, issues of even far less significance. 
   
  Is it possible that God allows these issues into our lives in order to bring
us to our knees praying for Grace to understand the whole truth of these
differences?  Why are we so despondent in seeking His supernatural wisdom and
spiritual discernment?  Is it not our duty to lift our heads out of the
confusion
of earth, long enough, to hear the solution of heaven?  Be seeking His wisdom
with the fear and love for Him to whom we all must eventually give an answer? 
   
  Yes, we are forgiven through Christ, but if you do not feel squeezed,
examine your standards, examine you motives, and check the SELF that remains in
you.  Bring to an end, those things that you know are un-confessed; those
things
that the accuser will bring against you.  Do it before he can bring doubt into
your soul or give you an excuse to leave the Body of Christ.
   
  Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.  No
temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is
faithful…(1
Corinthians 10: 12-13). 
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


**   For   Retirees   **   ASB:   Lynn:   LAnder1316@...

Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:  Tied shoes.

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers:  They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to
retire?
Answer:  NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want
to store stuff there.

Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers:  The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the
people he used to work with?

Answer:  He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
                                    +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Not A Chance   **

   A man stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down,
measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.  Generally, he
was drivinghis partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What in
the world is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
     The man answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."
     His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies: "Forget it,
you
don't stand a snowball's chance in Hades of hitting her from here!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Writing A Ticket For...   A Groaner   **

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box  
that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a  
policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately,  
another officer had seen the carton in the road. The  
policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was  
found to contain large upholstery tacks.  

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I  
am still going to have to write you a ticket."  

Amazed, the driver asked for what.  

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."  
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

**   When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand free, the
keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)

**   A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law
of Destiny)

**   When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will
start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

**    Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance
So Sorry Law)

**   When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do
something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)

**   When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the
instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

**   If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably
because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)

**   Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances.
(Einstein's Law of Persistence)

**   You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you.
(Principle of Dingaling)

**   Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for
all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

**   If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will
always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)

**   The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14
times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)



                              **   The probability that one will spill food on
one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of
Campbell Scoop)

**   Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring.
(Law of Yes Now)

**   Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to
ring. (Law of Ding Dong)

**   Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.
(The Don King Principle)

**   After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week
later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)

**   Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be
absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of
Delay)

**   Do not take life too seriously but have lots of fun because, in the end,
you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)
                                              ++++++++++++++++++

**   The Wisdom of Little Susie   **

    Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've
got a stomachache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and sure enough,
Susie
felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with
Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.

Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if
you had something in it."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Jewish Family Meeting   **          ASB:   Chuck:
rancherchuck@...

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop.
 
Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda!   My Irving is finally
getting married.  He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but
he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have
any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"  

Ruth answers, "God forbid!  But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear
about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. Its past time
he's
settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie.
I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you.

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! 
Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry!  It says herpes is a disease
affecting
the gentiles."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Can They Drive It?   **

Mrs Finkel was in her garden, hanging up her washing
on the line when her gossipy neighbor poked her head
over the fence. "I hate to tell you this, Rachel,"
said the gossip, "but there's a rumor that your
husband, Abe, is chasing the shiksas. And at his age
too!" she clucked like a chicken. "He's seventy-five, no?"

"Nu, so he's seventy-five," replied Mrs Finkel. "So
let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars - but when they
catch one, can they drive it?"
                               +++++++++++++++++

**   More Short Takes   **

A reporter interviewing a rabbi after a bolt of
lightning struck the synagogue roof and sent it
crashing down into ruins, asked "Rabbi, what was your
reaction when you saw this terrible devastation?"

"My first reaction?"  The Rabbi chuckled.  "I thought,
thank goodness we took out insurance against acts of God.
================

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly
plump.
After I had a minor accident, my mother, Rebecca,
accompanied me to the emergency room.  The triage
nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted
out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my
mother leaned over  to me. "Sarah, my love," she said,
"From your lips to G-d's ears, but for now, remember,
this is NOT the Internet."
=======================

Irving took Harry to a celebratory dinner at a really
posh restaurant.

They walked in, were ushered to a table by a formally
dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which
were displayed the finest china and crystal.  Taking
the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring,
Harry unfolded it, put it around his neck and
proceeded to tie a knot in the back.

Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted
teeth, "Sir, will you be having a shave or a haircut?"
====================

A salesman from Verizon telephoned a household, and a four-year-old
answered...
"May I speak to your mother?" asked the telemarketer.
"She is not here," answered the boy.
"Well," continued the man, "is anyone else there?"
"My sister," said the boy.
"O.K., fine. May I speak to her?" asked the man.
"I guess so," replied the boy.
After a long silence, the boy returned to the phone and said, "Hello?"
The salesman said, "It's you. I thought you went to get your sister."
"I did!" exclaimed the boy. "But I can't get her out of the playpen."
====================

 One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job
that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."
====================

**   "S" is for Snow___   **

**  Snow: White Fluffy crystals of water and toxic matter.
   
**   Snow Man: Made from snow, assembly required.
   
**   Snow Plow: Machine that fills our driveways with snow.
   
**   Snow Plow Driver: Machine Operator capable of depositing three blocks
worth of snow in our driveway. Related to Satan.
   
**   Snow Blower. Personal snow removal device used to deposit snow from our
driveway in neighbor's driveways.
   
**   Snow Showers.: Light snowfall
   
**   Scattered Snow Showers: Falls on your yard but not the neighbors.
   
**   Snow Flurries: Snow propelled by wind like in the movies.
   
**   Blizzard : Lots of snow real fast for days . Will fill a 16 oz. cup in
seconds add sugar and M&Ms and save 2.49 at McDonalds.
   
**   Hypothermia : Lowering of the body's core temperature to the point where
you start writing jokelists 12 months of the year. May lead to death if
you aren't thawed out occasionally.
   
**   Ice and snow melter: Used to melt snow from sidewalks so that studs are
ripped from neighborhood kid's snowmobile tracks when they drive by your
house at 60 mph at midnight.
   
**   Snow Angel Imprint made when you fall on your back in fresh snow and
thrash around.
   
**   We have it on good authority that this will be a mini Ice Age and soon
you will be able to ice skate all over the swamps of the South
and Hockey will become the sport of choice.
   
**   So take a break, make a snow man, have a snowball fight, make a snow
angel and enjoy the snow.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++

**   Kids Kitchen Talk   **

** Appetizing: Anything advertised on TV.
   
**   Boil: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic 'Yuck'
before a food is even tasted.
   
**   Casserole: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they
are mixed together.
   
**   Cookie (Last One): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
   
**   Crust: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China,
India, Africa, or Europe.
   
**   Desserts: The reason for eating a meal.
   
**   Floor: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
   
**   Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
   
**   Fried Foods: Gourmet Cooking.
   
**   Kitchen: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
   
**   Macaroni: Material for a collage.
   
**   Napkin: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
   
**   Refrigerator: A very expensive and efficient room air conditioner when
not being used as an art gallery.
   
**   Soda Pop: Shake 'N Spray.
   
**   Thirsty: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
                               +++++++++++++++++++

**   SPEAKING ABOOUT THE KITCHEN, TRY THIS   **

**   Appetizing: Anything advertised on TV.
   
**   Boil: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic 'Yuck'
before a food is even tasted.
   
**   Casserole: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they
are mixed together.
   
**   Cookie (Last One): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
   
**   Crust: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China,
India, Africa, or Europe.
   
**   Desserts: The reason for eating a meal.
   
**   Floor: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
   
**   Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
   
**   Fried Foods: Gourmet Cooking.
   
**   Kitchen: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
   
**   Macaroni: Material for a collage.
   
**   Napkin: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
   
**   Refrigerator: A very expensive and efficient room air conditioner when
not being used as an art gallery.
   
**   Soda Pop: Shake 'N Spray.
   
**   Thirsty: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

**********
**
***
****
*****
******
Saturday & Sunday   1/14-15/06
***************************************************************
**  Though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not
wearied
by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in
its      determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever
cost
to us,
at whatever cost to Him.     --C. S. Lewis
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who  
walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their  
last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but  
they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken  
from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms –  
to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances,  
to choose one's own way.     --Viktor Frankel, "Search for Meaning"

**   "Kindness is the only service that will stand the
storm of life and not wash out. It will wear well
and be remembered long after the prism of politeness
or the complexion of courtesy has faded away. When I
am gone, I hope it can be said of me that I plucked
a thistle and planted a flower wherever I thought a
flower would grow."      --Anon.

~~~The Following Are From Gilbert, The Teacher of:
mgministries2000@...~~~~~~

**  Those who are hungry for food do not worry about the mere appearance of
the plate in which it is served but focus on the served food. Similarly, those
hungry for The Word of God do not worry about the sheer appearance of the one
serving but delight in The Living Word the whole time.

**  The brilliant rainbow merely guarantees against God’s use of the flood to
destroy all creation but does not protect souls against the sure fire of his
judgment that will consume all the unsaved on judgment day. Only the blood of
Jesus can save anyone from doom as it quenches the fire.

**   Resting is very refreshing. You cannot rest if you are not tired. You
cannot be tired unless you have worked. You cannot work unless you have a
vision. You cannot have a vision unless you know who you are. You cannot know
who
you really are unless you are in God. Rest is in Jesus!

**  When the illiterate under your authority are due to receive their wages,
speak for them and let them receive fair wages for their labour. Do not give
them less than what they deserve just because they cannot read for themselves
what the law of the land says they should get. Never exploit

**  While the just shall live by faith for all their spiritual freedom, the
innocent only need justice to remain legally free. Those found guilty can only
pray and plead for mercy because it is only to the guilty that mercy may be
shown. God is both just and merciful. Have faith in Him for eternity.

**   Measure not the size of a brick against that of another brick. Rather,
compare the dimple in the brick with the pimple in the mould. As the child can
best be measured against the parent and not another child, so let Jesus be
your standard and not another believer. You are unique.
~~~End of Gilbert, The Teacher of:   mgministries2000@...~~~

***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"   Saturday & Sunday   1/14-15/06
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==================================================

"The Funnies"         Saturday & Sunday   1/14-15/06

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **      Saturday & Sunday
1/14-15/06

**   Helen Roseveare, a missionary doctor from England
to Zaire Africa, told this as it happened to her in Africa.

        "A   LITTLE   GIRL'S   PRAYER"

"One night I had worked hard to help a mother in
the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do she
died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a
crying two-year-old daughter.   We would have difficulty
keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator.
(We had no electricity to run an incubator.)
We also had no special feeding facilities.

Although we lived on the equator, nights were
often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student
midwife went for the box we had for such babies
and the cotton wool the baby would be wrapped in.
Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle.

She came back shortly in distress to tell me that
in filling the bottle, it had burst.   Rubber perishes
easily in tropical climates. "And it is our last
hot water bottle!" she exclaimed.

As in the West it is no good crying over spilledmilk,
so in Central Africa it might be considered
no good crying over burst water bottles.   They do not
grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down
forest pathways.

"All right," I said, "Put the baby as near the fire
as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and
the door to keep it free from drafts.
"Your job is to keep the baby warm."

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to
have prayers with any of the orphanage children who
chose to gather with me.   I gave the youngsters
various suggestions of things to pray about and told
them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem
about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning
the hot water bottle. The baby could so easily die
if it got chills.

I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying
because her mother had died.   During the prayer
time, one ten-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the
usual blunt conciseness of our African children.
"Please, God," she prayed, "send us a water bottle.
It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will
be dead, so please send it this afternoon."

While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the
prayer, she added by way of a corollary, "And while
You are about it, would You please send a dolly for
the little girl so she'll know You really love her?"

As often with children's prayers, I was put on the
spot.   Could I honestly say, "Amen?" I just did not
believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that
He can do everything.   The Bible says so.   But there
are limits, aren't there?

The only way God could answer this particular
prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the
homeland.   I had been in Africa for almost four years
at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel
from home.   Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel,
who would put in a hot water bottle?   I lived on the
equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching
in the nurses' training school, a message was sent
that there was a car at my front door.   By the time
I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the
verandah, was a large twenty-two pound parcel.   l
felt tears pricking my eyes.   I could not open the
parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children.

Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing
each knot.

We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly.

Excitement was mounting.   Some thirty or forty pairs
of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box.
From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys.
Eyes sparkled as I gave them out.   Then there were
the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and
the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of
mixed raisins and sultanas--that would make a nice
batch of buns for the weekend.
Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it
really be?   I grasped it and pulled it out--yes, a
brand-new, rubber hot water bottle!

I cried.   I had not asked God to send it;   I had not
truly believed that He could.   Ruth was in the front row
of the children.   She rushed forward, crying out, "If
God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly,
too!"

Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled
out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone!
She had never doubted.

Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with
you, Mummy, and give this dolly to that little girl, so
she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"

That parcel had been on the way for five whole
months.   Packed up by my former Sunday school
class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's
prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator.
And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African
child--five months before--in answer to the believing
prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."

"Before they call, I will answer!" Isa 65:24"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>
030619-1515
See:   Galatians 6: 2.   Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law
of Christ.

I really don't care to hear that milk-toast kind of sermon telling me that "I
am OK, and you're OK" and Gaaaaaaod loves you anyway.   No thanks; that is
not for me.  There are not many things I enjoy more, than a good rousing sermon
on Sunday morning; a good sermon that can roust me out of my doldrums and give
me some eyeball to eyeball, nose to nose instruction.   But, in all truth,
even a rousting sermon will not keep the pews filled forever.

Some folks believe that the stunning proclamation of the truth keeps the pews
filled, and that certainly helps to get folks into the church the first time,
but what keeps people coming back week after week, are those friendships that
foster an inward awareness and support feelings of acceptance and love.   The
pastors preaching may be excellent, but it will never replace the love and
warmth and light of Christian friends. There is nothing else quite like it.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Overlooked Blessings"   **

** The haven of a comforting shoulder to cry on;

** the warming embrace of a loved one.

** Pampering yourself.

** Listening to the whispers of your authentic self and taking your own
advice.

** The generosity and hospitality of good neighbors.

** Family and friends who remember funny or uplifting stories about your past
that
you've forgotten and share them with you.

** Finding a lost pet.

** Rediscovering old family photos.

** Playing hooky.

** The intimate bond of friendship that protects, nurtures, inspires and
comforts.

** The man or woman in your life who is neither a past or present love but
simply a precious friend who adores you.

** Waking up to a perfectly beautiful day for a planned outdoor event.

** Working with people you enjoy being around.

** Working with people who are pleasant, kind, funny, considerate, and who
honor your contribution.

**An opportunity to interview for the dream job. Getting it.

** Receiving the perfect gift. Finding one for someone else.

** Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and delighting in what you
see.

** Having your child appreciate your sense of humor.

** An unexpected compliment that makes your day.

** Enjoying the company of smart, witty, savvy people, delighting in
stimulating conversation and holding your own.

** Completing the crossword puzzle without help.

** Looking fabulous at your class reunion.

** Listening to the oldies and recalling happy moments.

** A rare, relaxing break with your co-worker during a hectic day.

** Paying off your credit card balance.

** Coming up with the perfect retort at the moment you need it and not two
hours later.

** Friends and family who can both truly rejoice with you and console you in
times of sorrow.

** This is Rex Barker C.S. (Continuing to Stimulate) adding...the sound of
raindrops on your roof at night.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  JEST FOR KIDS   **  Riddles and Puns for the 6 to 14 year old

**    JEST FOR KIDS – THE RIDDLES   **

What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"?
    A watch dog.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
    Decomposing.

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
    "I find you very attractive."

How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
    With sky scrapers.

Why do they put bells on cows?
    Because their horns don't work!

















                                      "My geometry teacher lost her parrot:
Gee, where's her polygon?"

"Hey, neighbor --- you can't take your sheep home that way." "I was 
just taking a shortcut across your frozen pond. What's wrong with 
that?" "Nobody pulls the wool over my ice."

The bank offered an attractive mortgage rate to create interest.

My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll 
take it to the repair shop and see what develops. People think I 
broke it but the crime isn't so black and white. Ah, I get the 
picture - I'm being framed!

When dressing up for a masquerade, disguise the limit. (Kramer)

**   JEST FOR KIDS – THE GROANERS   **

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium 
went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As 
soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then 
said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light 
work.'"

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system 
administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to 
type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it 
and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked 
what he was talking about. He said, "You know, that one that looks 
like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the 
letter 'i'?" He said, "Yeah, that's it!"

On the 1st day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher 
said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up 2 fingers." A 
little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

**   JEST FOR KIDS – POEMS. & OTHER HUMOR   **

    There was a fisherman named Fisher
    who fished for some fish in a fissure.
        Till a fish with a grin,
        pulled the fisherman in.
    Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

Awning Manufacturer’s Door: “Just a shade better.”

Warning on a kitchen knife: NEVER TRY TO CATCH A FALLING KNIFE

To teenagers, racing is a drag. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   PUNS IN THE COMICS   **

Catalyst: A directory of the names of every cow in the herd. `(B. C.: 
Johnny Hart)

Doctor: "Your problems are all in your head." Patient: "I want a 
second opinion." Doctor: "OK, you're crazy." (Wizard of Id: Brent 
Parker)

Loan companies offer month-to-month resuscitation (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

"What are you eating Ruhie?" ""Chopped-up vegetables, all mixed 
together and cooked." "Oh, it's hash." "It's left over from Sunday." 
"So it's rehash." "I hope it doesn't give me reruns." (One Big Happy: 
Rick Detone)

==========================================

Send your favorite riddle or pun to <mailto:kegel@...> with "For 
Jest For Kids" as the subject and the joke and your  name and age as 
the message.

For a free subscription, send a blank e-mail to: <mailto:jest4kids-
subscribe@yahoogroups.com>
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The 'Be' Attitudes   **

** Be understanding to your enemies.

** Be loyal to your friends.

** Be strong enough to face the world each day.

** Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.

** Be generous to those who need your help.

** Be frugal with that you need yourself.

** Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.

** Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.

** Be willing to share your joys.

** Be willing to share the sorrows of others.

** Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.

** Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.

** Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.

** Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.

** Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.

** Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.

** Be loving to those who love you.

** Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.

** Above all, be yourself.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   THE NAIL   **

     As the story goes, they built a new church building and people
came from far and wide to see it. They admired its beauty! Up on the
roof, a little nail heard the people praising everything about the
lovely structure-except the nail! No one even knew he was there, and
he became angry and jealous.

     "If I am that insignificant, nobody will miss me if I quit!" So
the nail then released its hold, slid down the roof, and fell in the
mud.

     That night it rained and rained. Soon, the shingle that had no
nail blew away, and the roof began to leak. The water streaked the
walls and the beautiful murals. The plaster began to fall, the carpet
was stained, and the pulpit Bible was ruined by water. All this
because a little nail decided to quit!

     But what of the nail? While holding the shingle, it was obscure
but it was also useful. Buried in the mud it was just as obscure, but
now it was useless and would soon by eaten up by rust!

     The moral of the story-EVERY MEMBER IS IMPORTANT TO THE CHURCH!
You may, like the nail, feel obscure at times, but just like the
nail, your absence is felt. When you are not present for worship, in
some way the body of Christ hurts. We are ALL a part of the Lord's
ministry.
                           1 Corinthians 12:26-27
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

**  My toddler and I were shopping when a heavily tattooed man
strolled by. My daughter's eyes grew wide as she said,
"I'll bet his mother took away all HIS markers!"
===================

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in
my garden.
Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."
"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
===================

I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonalds for dinner one
evening for a "guy night".   As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh
asked "daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep
thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and
plant these seeds in our back yard, we will have enough hamburgers
to last forever."
====================

Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary
took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
"They couldn't get a baby-sitter" a   small child replied.
====================

A little boy was taken to the dentist.
It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like
for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.....
===================

"My little sister got in a lot of trouble yesterday" Ernie said to Ruth.
"What did she do?" asked Ruth.
"She was feeding the tropical fish!"
"What's wrong with that?" Ruth asked.
"She was feeding them to our cat."
===================

** Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to
thread a sewing machine while it's running.

** There are only two things a child will share willingly:
communicable diseases and their mother's age.

** Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like
trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

** An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't
have small kids.

** Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to
steer your car, and you get about the same results!
===================

Pregnant with our third child and experiencing morning sickness,
I was resting on the living-room couch.   Workmen were doing some
minor repairs in the house.   As one walked by, I explained,
"Don't mind me.   I'm in my first trimester."
"Oh," he said.   "What's your major?"
====================

**   WISE ADVICE FROM KIDS   **

** "Medicine only works if it's cherry flavored."
           --   Elissa, 9
** "Good food always comes with a toy."
           --   Ryan, 6

** "Just because your dog drinks from the toilet, doesn't   mean you should."
           -- Juaquim, 7

** "Don't dry the dog in the microwave."
           -- Brittany, 5

** "If mommy says no, then you should ask daddy."
           -- Daniel, 7

** "You can't eat soup with a fork."
           -- Mel, 4

** "Don't pick your nose when you're fingerpainting."
           --Xiang, 8

** "Never ask mom when she's going to go on a diet."
           --Bob, 11
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Andy Says...  Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case
in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records
nationwide:   **

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the
next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
      A:   He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify
me.'
      Q: Did he kill you?

4.   Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have children or anything of that kind?

9.   Q:   I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
       A:   That's me.
       Q:   Were you present when that picture was taken?

10.   Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q:   Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
        A:   By death.
        Q:   And by whose death was it terminated?

12.   Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
         A:   I'll be three months on November 8.
         Q:   Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
         A: Yes
         Q:   What were you doing at the time?

13.   Q:   Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
         A:   I used to be.
         Q:   How many times have you committed suicide?

14.   So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q:   She had three children, right?
        A:   Yes.
        Q:   How many were boys?
        A:   None
        Q:   Were there girls?

16.   You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but
can you describe it?

17.   Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
         A: Yes
        Q:   And these stairs, did they go up also?

18.   Q:   Have you lived in this town all your life?
         A:   Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."

20.   Q:   Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
        A:   It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
        Q:   And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
        A:   No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy!
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++
******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

******
**
***
****
*****
******
Monday   1/9/06
***************************************************************
**   Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had
yet
been done.     --C.S. Lewis
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************
**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**   How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant
of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of
these. --George Washington Carver  

**  The abundant life does not come to those who have had a lot of
obstacles removed from their path by others.  It develops from within
and is rooted in strong mental and moral fiber.   -- William Mather Lewis

**   Relationships. That's all there really is. There's your relationship
with the dust that just blew in your face, or with the person who just kicked
you
end over end.... You have to come to terms, to some kind of equilibrium, with
those people around you, those people who care for you, your environment.
Leslie Marmon Silko  Writer

**  Everybody wants to be on a championship team, but nobody
wants to come to practice.
      - Bobby Knight, College basketball coach
===============================================================
The Following Are From Gilbert, The Teacher of:
mgministries2000@...

**  Fear is bad. What compounds the dilemma is the infuriating conduct of the
opponents who seem not to even notice that they are not only annoying us but
should sublimate out of our sight. Oh how the mind can play against itself to
the detriment of reason. Be brave.

**   People vary on why they do many different things or why they strive to
achieve diverse objectives. You must not fear being misunderstood as to your
desire but need to have a clear understanding of how you must function under
your current structure and leader.

**  It is a sad period when a General Hospital borrows food from a smaller
hospital to put food down the throats of its patients. Who cares about the
terminal diseases when people are struggling to stave off the old fashioned
death
through starvation syndrome? God.

**  By the time this reaches you I might no longer be counted among the
living. Such is the way of life that it is so brief and unpredictable. So I am
thankful to God for you and trust that even as you read this now I too am well
somewhere under the sun, under the Son.

**   God uses me to sew together different fabrics, producing a garment of
His own design and fashion. I need not even understand how He does it. I only
need to be obedient and sincere, doing my part and leaving the rest to the rest.
Do your best. Never mind the rest.

**  As much as possible avoid being at the centre of any controversy. Do not
appease folks for popularity’s sake. It is better to move away from potential
fights and seek the advice from one you love and respect, confident that you
will be well advised and win.

**  It is as well that some people are not God. Otherwise they would be
selective as to who should go to heaven and who should not go. Some are angry
when
sinners are saved because they want to own heaven. God justly loves all souls
and will instantly accept anyone who truly repents.


***************************************************************

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"The Funnies"         Monday   1/9/06

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **      Monday   1/9/06

**  "Perhaps once in a hundred years a person may be ruined by excessive
praise.
But surely once every minute someone dies inside for lack of it." - Cecil G.
Osborne

**   "Life isn't measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that
take your breath away".   -Anonymous

**  "The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot." -
Michael
Althsuler

**   "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your
strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is
strength."
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

**  Continue seeking Him with seriousness. Unless He wanted you, you would
not be wanting Him.     --C. S. Lewis

**   The ideas that have lighted my way have been kindness,  
beauty and truth.  --Albert Einstein  

**  The height of your accomplishments will equal the depth of your
convictions.
- William F. Scolavino

**   Cunning is strength withheld.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

**   Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at any cost.
Emotional health is facing reality at any cost.   - M. Scott Peck

**   Those who suppress freedom always do so in the name
of law and order.
      - John V. Lindsay, former NY politician
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

  060109-2010
  Ref:  1 Chronicles 16:29: Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name.  Bring
an offering and come before Him; worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness
and in holy array. 
  Psalm 100; Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.  Worship the Lord with
gladness; come before him with joyful songs… Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name… 
   
  I am not sure what it is, but I have been spending much more time lately,
watching the spectator sport of “Football.”  Being born in Ohio, I have
always
loved Football.  In my hometown, a new born boy gets a football in their
bassinet the day they are born, and the girls get small “Pompoms.” 
Obviously, my
hometown is a little bit over the top when it comes to “High School
football.”
 
  But I want you to consider this; what would happen if the teams would show
up to play and there were no spectators in the grandstands?  Can you imagine
what the game would be like?  There certainly would not be as much enthusiasm
or
spirit present.  No cheering crowds, no cyclic waves of unison, and no
oneness in spirit for victory.  The teams would have to depend on themselves
for all
of that.  There is little joy in victory after that.  Perhaps a handshake,
and a shower is all the team would have to celebrate any victory or defeat, and
the next week would be the same. I think I would take up tennis or join a
chess club.
  In the same manner, did you know that in any church service, the
congregation, as it enters the sanctuary, will bring with it an atmosphere; an
atmosphere
that is either a barrier through which the preacher's word cannot penetrate;
or else an atmosphere that has such an expectancy and openness and
anticipation, that even the poorest sermon becomes a living flame. It is the
congregation, that preaches more than half the sermon,  even before the sermon
begins.  It
is the congregation that fills the pulpit with expectation even before the
preacher gets up there.  Tell me my brothers and sisters, how do you enter into
his gates?
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Blonde year in review **  ASB:   Steve:   Ruskidad@...

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print  labels.....
"duh"..... bottles won't fit in typewriter ! ! !

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6  months.....box said
"2-4   years !"

April - Trapped on escalator  for hours.....power went out ! ! !

May - Tried to make  Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets ! ! !

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a  slope.

July - Lost breast-stroke swimming  competition.....learned later, other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August - Got locked out of car in rainstorm.....car swamped,  because top
was down.

September - Lost a TV quiz show. The  capital of California is "C".....isn't
it ?

October - Hate M  & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey  for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108 ! ! !

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"  button on
the phone ! ! !

Phew! What a year ! !
                                    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

  Paddy was in New York.  He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing.  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay pedestrians."  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.  He'd done
this
several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.  After the cop had
shouted
"Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not
about time ye let the Catholics across?   ASB:   Larryb1939
========================

While my wife was out of town, our rabbi's wife
borrowed a fancy pie pan. It was returned a few days
later filled with an apple pie. When my wife asked
where the pie came from, I told her it was baked by
our rabbi's wife, who said she never returns something
without filling it up.

"Good, you should let her borrow our checkbook," she replied.
=======================

There is an ancient Jewish proverb that says that "A
Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never
forget what she forgave."
=======================

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in
nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides
Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard
along.  He told some jokes and sang some funny songs
at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too.
======================

Esther had only recently got married and was having a
chat with her best friend Becky.

Esther asks, "Tell me, Becky, I've forgotten the
procedure. When one first gets married, how long
should one wait before starting to point out to one's
husband what disgusting habits his friends have?"
======================

When Mark came home, his wife, Sara, was crying. "Your
mother insulted me," She sobbed.
"My mom? How could she do that when she is on vacation
on the other side of the world?" Mark grumbled.
"I know. But today a letter addressed to you arrived.
I opened and read it."
"Oy. And?"
"At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Sara,
when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to
give it to my son.'
======================

An uneventful flight from Newark to Gatwick Airport ended with a rough,
bumpy landing. While taxiing to the terminal, a member of the flight crew
picked up the microphone and delivered this slightly modified greeting: "On
behalf of this airline, your flight crew and your chiropractor, welcome to
London."
======================

As pastor of a two-church parish, my husband had to drive
every Sunday morning about six kilometers from the 9:30
service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often
find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park
down the road and race to the church on foot. The problem was finally
solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church,
where he posted a sign: YOU PARK - YOU PREACH.
======================

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was
Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage."
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier,
and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's
desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus
received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage."
=======================

The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon
for a retiring colleague.

As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't
fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the
car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.

My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received
from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began
to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession.

There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its bright
red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."
                                    +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Sammy Out Shopping With Mom   **

Little Sammy was out shopping with his mother,
something he didn't like very much. But when they passed a toy
store, Sammy came to life. He saw a new toy in the
window that he didn't have but wanted. Sam begged,
pleaded and nagged but to no avail. He got so rude
that his mother firmly said, "I'm very sorry Sammy,
but we didn't come out to buy you a toy."

Sammy angrily said, "I've never met a woman as mean as
you."

Holding his hand gently, she replied, "Sammy, darling,
one day you'll get married and then you will ... you
really will, I promise you."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   What's For Dinner   **

Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to
the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided
to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe
even apologize.

"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for
dinner?"

"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible
things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I
am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making,
poison."

Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm
not coming home."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Preacher Says... God Will Take Care Of Me   **

One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all
of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full
hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the
whole
church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep wate
r.
A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in
here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will
save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away.
   
  The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher
and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite
the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God
will save me." The man then said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange
raft.
   
  The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher
and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite
the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God
will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power
boat.
   
  The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said
"Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!" The man
still
just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the
man said "Whatever" and flew away.
   
  The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When
he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and
asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then
replied,
" I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you
want from me?!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Teen Poverty In America   **   (Too True to Be a Funny, Says Andy)

* We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local
mall. We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in
poverty. Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one
among the wholegroup.

  But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some
jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their
underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his
jeans
hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans,
for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

  It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are
those who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about asking my
church
to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, we
could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.

  But here is the saddest part...it was the girls they were hanging out with
that disturbed us most. Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such
poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They
all had
to wear their little sister's clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too
small! I don't know how they could get them on, let alone button them up. Their
jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had on their little sister's
top; it hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their
heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women
wearing children's clothes.

  However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys,
because of the improper fitting of their clothes, they had their underwear
exposed. We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear
was
only held together by a single piece of string..

  We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our
American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with a closets full of
clothes
nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to
keep it together. We think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather at
the mall; boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans, and girls wearing their
younger sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find
acceptance. So, next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping , and you
pass by
some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them?
And one more thing . Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down,
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Church Bulletin Bloopers 2006   **

** Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to
recovery, for which we are thankful.

**   The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on
Saturdays.

** We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn,
"The First Nowell"

**   Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of
Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.

**   Events:  December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home
7:00 p.m.,  December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the
Fellowship Hall.

**   Saturday the Youth Group will Serenade a number of our Seniors with
Christmas Thongs.

**   Last Saturday the Men's Group had a great fellowship that included good
conversation and delicious coffee.  Special thanks to Kate Michels for
providing teats.

**   The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a
game called, "Find the gun."  They had a great time.

**   The Pastor's Corner:  A Personal Massage from Jesus

**   Don't forget to make some New Year's Resolutions.  It's a great way to
start off with a new ear.

**   Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon
be changing entrances.  Please exit the new driveway which is the one in
between the old entrance and the old exit.  Please exit from the new
exit which is the old entrance.

**   Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12.  You can Dance the
Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.

**   What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday?  Local Funeral Director Barry
Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.

**   The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. 
They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks,
I.D. Cards, etc.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**    You Might Be a Farmer If   **

** Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

** You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment
parts is a vacation.

** You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before
your wife would let you in the house.

** You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

** You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

** You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

** You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and
yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's
birthday.

** You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of
equipment.

** You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.

** You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Husband and Wife Go Hunting   **

There's this couple and they've just been married. The man says to the
wife, "I'm go'in hunting."

She says, "Oh no your not, we are married now."

The husband says to himself, "I've got to figure out a way to go
hunting." So, he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment
and gives it to his wife, so they can go hunting together.

They finally go one weekend and the hunter puts his wife in the
deer-stand and says, "Only shoot when you see a deer."

She replies, "OK." So the hunter goes off to his stand and is hoping
that the wife doesn't accidentally shoot herself. Suddenly, he hears a
gun shot and quickly runs to find his wife.

He looks up in the deer stand and does not see her, so he looks around
and sees his wife poised and waiting to shoot this poor man who is
scared out of his mind. The hunter says, "Honey, what are you doing?"

The man says, "Look mister, if she says it is her deer then it is,
just let me take my saddle off of it first."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Nostalgia   **

I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS".

A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts"
started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language
with hardly a notice. 

Like "curb feelers   and "steering knobs"

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.
Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain
some of these terms to you. 
 
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire
covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental. 

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking
brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with
"emergency brake." 

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the
accelerator the "foot feed." 
 
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could
ride the "running board" up to the house? 

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But
once
it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of
candy. 

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now
means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This
floors me.  

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In
the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall
carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood
floors. Go figure. 
 
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard
to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic,
a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk
about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting." 

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day
and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables"
probably wouldn't be understood at all. 

I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an
affectation. 

Most of these words go! back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came
across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down! 

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And
what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for
this. 

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and
now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the
1963! Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!" 

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody
complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never
hear
mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore. 

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one
that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word.
Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts. 

Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would
remember most of these
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++
******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

PRIVACY STATEMENT: The subscriber list is not publicly accessible.
Subscribers' addresses will not be sold or given to a third party.
You can remove yourself from this list at anytime.

This mailing is not sent unsolicited.   If you are receiving it, it is
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LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
to own any copyright privileges to them.   The work was sent as an item for
the mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
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***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
give them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.
Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

******
**
***
****
*****
******
Friday   1/6/06
***************************************************************
**  To belittle is to be little.
To be grateful is to be great.   ASB:   John:  stroade@...
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him
who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is
over self.     - Aristotle, Greek Philosopher

**  Should we all confess our sins to one another we would all
laugh at one another for our lack of originality. Should we
all reveal our virtues we would also laugh for the same
cause.        --Khalil Gibran

**  Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in
the year.     - Ralph Waldo Emerson

**  The man who lives by himself and for himself is likely to be
corrupted by the company he keeps.    -- Charles H. Parkhurst

**  Shame is an important part of human psychology. It springs
from our conscience and corrects our course.

One is never so dangerous when one has no shame, than when
one has grown too old to blush. --Marquis de Sade

**  "I believe...that every human mind feels pleasure in doing
good to another." -- Thomas Jefferson

**  "A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the
experience."   - Elbert Hubbard
***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"             Friday   1/6/06
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"The Funnies"        Friday   1/6/06

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **     Friday   1/6/06

* It isn't easy to keep your mouth and your
mind open at the same time.

* SHOES: If they feel good they're ugly,
if they look good they hurt.

* All people have at least ten faults.
Pick ten you can live with.

* All the planning in the world never beat luck.

* Think positive. If you fall in the creek,
check your pockets for fish.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Never Judge Another Person's Scars   **

Some years ago on a hot summer day in south Florida a little boy decided to
go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive
into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and
shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward
the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
   
  His mother in the house was looking out the window and saw the two as they
got closer and closer together. In utter fear, she ran toward the water,
yelling to her son as loudly as she could.
   
  Hearing her voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim
to his mother. It was too late. Just as he reached her, the alligator reached
him. From the dock, the mother grabbed her little boy by the arms just as the
alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the
two. The alligator was much stronger than the mother, but the mother was much
too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard her screams,
raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.
   
  Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy
survived.His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal.
And, on
his arms, were deep scratches where his mother's fingernails dug into his flesh
in her effort to hang on to the son she loved.
   
  The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he
would show him his scars The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious
pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great scars on
my arms, too. I have them because my Mom wouldn't let go."
   
  You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not
from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are
unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are
because
God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there
holding on to you.
   
  The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants
to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly
wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole
of
life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to
attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His
love on
your arms be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.
   
  Please pass this on to those you like/love. God has blessed you, so that you
can be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her
life and what they are going through.
   
Never judge another persons scars, because you don't know how they got them.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++


**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>


  060104-2009
  Ref: John 16: 33. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have
peace.  In the world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome
the world. 
   
  Several years ago I had the opportunity to take my family out for an
afternoon of sailing on a two masthead schooner.  I had hopes that they would
understand that “Call of the Sea” as I do.  Afterward, they all said they
enjoyed
the trip and even though my wife sat directly in the middle of the ship for the
entire cruise to prevent becoming more sea sick than she was.  She said that
she wished she could do it again, but I never knew for sure if any of them
really felt that “Call” that tugs at ones soul, as I do. 
   
  Many years later my one son began reading all of my seamanship books, and
then one day he went out and bought a used twenty-seven foot sailboat to live
on.  You see, life has not been real good to him, and for the very first time
in
years, he seemed happy.  He said that he recalled that old story I use to
tell him about how sailing a ship was kind of like living:
   
  “A ship, like a human being, moves best when it is slightly athwart the
wind, when it must keep its sails tight and attend to its course.  Ships, like
men, do poorly when the wind is directly behind, pushing them sloppily on their
way so that no care is required in steering or in the management of sails. The
wind seems favorable, for it blows in the direction one is heading, but
actually it is destructive because it induces a relaxation in tension and
skill. 
What is needed is a wind slightly opposed to the ship, for then tension can be
maintained, and juices can flow and ideas can germinate, for ships, like men,
respond to challenge.”
   
  It is the strain in life that builds our strength and character.  If there
is no strain, there will be no strength.  It is OK to asked God for life,
liberty, and happiness, but when you do, asked Him to also give you the
willingness
to face the strain, for in it you will receive the strength.  Overcome your
timidity and remember, “To him who overcomes I will give the right to eat from
the tree of life…” (Rev 2: 7).
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   John STROADE Shay, Sr. says... HAPPY NOO YEAR Y'ALL!   ** and...

** May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist,
your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist,
your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.

**   May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not
fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your
white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

**   May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you
delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to
your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

**   May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish
dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been
watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include
generous amounts for charity.

**   May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse,
your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your
nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

**   And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness gratitude in
every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile , every
lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

****   HAPPY NEW YEAR!    ****
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   FASHION DO NOT'S FOR SENIORS  **

Pass this to any senior you know. 
For you, file away for future reference. 
 
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following
 combinations DO NOT go together: 
 
A nose ring and bifocals 
 
Spiked hair and bald spots 
 
A pierced tongue and dentures 
 
Miniskirts and support hose 
 
Ankle bracelets and corn pads 
 
Speedos and cellulite 
 
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 
 
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 
 
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 
 
Bikinis and liver spots 
 
Short shorts and varicose veins 
 
In-line skates and a walker 
 
But, otherwise, YOU'RE LOOKIN' GOOD....
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

METEOROLOGICALLY TYPING... ASB:   Old John boy:   stroade@...
      A friend answered an advertisement for a typist to work on a book on
weather forecasting.
      She gave her typing speed as: "Approximately 55 w.p.m. with occasional
gusts of 60 to 65 w.p.m."
======================

  My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in
the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open,
and he murmured,
"You're beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he
woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied
==========================

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever
hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."
=========================

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
========================

**   A very dirty, grubby little boy came in from playing
in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game, she said, "I don't
know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was
right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother
wouldn't recognize me!"
===================

**   Bob and Terri had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and
were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter
what Bob tried to say or do, Terri refused to compromise, or
even listen. He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Bob said "When we got married, you promised
to love, honor and obey."

Terri replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument
in front of all those people at the wedding."
===================

**   Q. Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?
A. You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,
and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
===================

**   Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball
team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center
of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying
the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos.
Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always
lost by one point?"
==================

**   Did you ever notice when you put the two words
    "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
==================

**   A New Yorker was being shown around the back country of
Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't
attack you if you carry a flashlight?" he asked.

  The cousin smirked, "Depends on how fast ya be carrying it."
=================

**   A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he
opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of
the refrigerator leftovers.
      "I don't know," he said dubiously,
      "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."
=================

**   To confirm her suspicions, my sister needed to purchase a
pregnancy test. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she
asked me to pick one up. I didn't stop to think how I
appeared to the clerk when I waddled up nine months
pregnant to pay for the kit. "Honey," she said, "I can
save you $15 right now. You're definitely going to have
a baby."
================

**   EVEN in the dangerous waters of the Persian Gulf, patrol
duty as a shipboard lookout can be boring. To inspire
vigilance, one Navy captain posted this sign at all
stations: "Any ship can be a minesweeper -- once."

--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform"
Provided courtesy of Reader's Digest (http://www.rd.com).
==================

**   (Not Nice, Says Andy, but is this you... husband or wife?)   Roger
was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the
garage. Although the couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the
lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the meals,
vacuumed and did the laundry.

Months later, Roger met his friend Don for coffee.
"Things don't seem to be working out any better,"
Don remarked. "Why don't you just move out?"

"Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger
explained, "she makes such a good neighbor."
===================

**   New Pastor   **

    My appointment as pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for
    victims of a hurricane. Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish,
    the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So
    members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to
    the top of the last page: "Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his
    family...the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full
    extent of the tragedy is not yet known." (Irene A. Mystery)

From: jokes_central@yahoogroups.com
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   You Took My Place   **

One day, a man went to visit a church. He arrived early, parked his
car, and got out. Another car pulled up near him, and the driver
told him, "I always park there. You took my place!"

The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and
sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated,
"That's my seat! You took my place!"

The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said
nothing. After Sunday School, the visitor went into the church
sanctuary and sat down. Another member walked up to him and said,
"That's where I always sit. You took my place!"

The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still
said nothing. Later, as the congregation was praying for Christ to
dwell among them, the visitor stood, and his appearance began to
change. Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his
sandaled feet.

Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What
happened to you?"

The visitor replied, "I took your place."

~ Author Unknown
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   21 things to remember   **

1.   No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.

2.   Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.

3.   Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.

4.   Whatever you are willing to put up with,is exactly what you will
have.

5.   Success stops when you do.

6.   When your ship comes in....   make sure you are willing to unload it.

7.   You will never "have it all together."

8.   Life is a journey...not a destination.   Enjoy the trip!

9.   The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want, I will be
happy."

10.   The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.

11.   I've learned that ultimately, 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.

12.   Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.

13.   If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.

14.   We often fear the thing we want the most.

15.   He or she who laughs......lasts.

16.   Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

17.   Look for opportunities...not guarantees.

18.   Life is what's coming....not what was.

19.   Success is getting up one more time.

20.   Now is the most interesting time of all.

21.   When things go wrong.....don't go with the flow.
           **   Posted From Kitty's**     **   InsPURRational Mews    **
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   New recruit   **

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had
an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's
office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this
new situation.

"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one. "You didn't really
do that, did you?"

"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training," scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing
at him.

When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question. "Do you
really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   God's Work   **

  1. Be ye fishers of men...You catch them - He'll clean them.

  2. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

  3. Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

  4. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

  5. Forbidden fruits create many jams.

  6. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called

  7. God grades on the cross, not the curve.

  8. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit over
"religious nuts!"

  9. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

  10. He, who angers you, controls you!

  11. If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

  12. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.

  13. Prayer: Don't give God instructions just report for duty!

  14. The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

  15. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God
       will not protect you.

  16. We don't change the message, the message changes us.

  17. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PRAISE CHORUSES AND HYMNS   **
(Yet...Another Version says Andy)

A man accustomed to a mainline church went to a seekers'
service one Sunday.   He came home and his wife asked him
how it was.   "Well," he said, "it was   interesting.
They did something different.   They sang praise
choruses   instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?"

"Oh, they're okay, I guess.   They're sort of like hymns,
only different," said the man.

"What's the difference?" asked his wife.

He replied, "Well, it's like this.   If I were to say to
you, 'Martha, the   cows are in the corn,' that would be
a hymn. Suppose, on the other hand, I   were to say to
you:

'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the
cows, the big cows,   the brown cows, the black cows, the
white cows, the black and white cows,   the COWS, COWS,
COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,
are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN.'

Then if I were to repeat the whole thing five or six
times, that would be a praise chorus."

As luck would have it, the same Sunday a young woman
accustomed to seekers'   services attended a mainline
service.   She came home and her husband asked her how it
was.   "Well," she said, "it was interesting.   They did
something   different, however.   They sang hymns instead
of praise choruses."

"Hymns?" said her husband. "What are those?"

"Oh, they're okay, I guess.   They're sort of like
regular songs, only   different." said the woman.

"What's the difference?" asked her husband.

She replied, "Well, it's like this.   If I were to say to
you, 'Ernest, the   cows are in the corn,' that would be
a regular song.   Suppose, on the other   hand, I were to
say to you:

Oh Ernest, dear Ernest, now hear thou my cry;
Incline thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain?
There is in their heads no shadow of sense!
Hearken they not in God's sun or his rain.
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea, those COWS in glad bovine, rebellious delight
Broke free from their shackles, their warm pens
eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night.
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all the corruptions of earth are reborn,
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry,
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

Then, if I were to sing only verses one, three, and
four, and if I were to do a key change on the last
verse, that would be a hymn. "
            --Author Unknown (perhaps with reason)
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  ******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

PRIVACY STATEMENT: The subscriber list is not publicly accessible.
Subscribers' addresses will not be sold or given to a third party.
You can remove yourself from this list at anytime.

This mailing is not sent unsolicited.   If you are receiving it, it is
because you have specifically requested it.   If you are not receiving it
directly
from ...
andychaps_the-funnies@yahoogroups.com     ...it is forwarded mail.

If for any reason you need to change your mailing address just
unsubscribe your old mailing address and subscribe your new
address. You can subscribe and unsubscribe as follows:

SUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" Click On thisy hyperlink and hit "Send"
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Or Copy and paste the above address to a new email and hit send.

UNSUBSCRIBE to "The Funnies" Click On this hyperlink and hit "Send".
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Or Copy and paste the above address to a new email and hit send.

When unsubscribing, remember you must use the same
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**************************************************************************
LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
to own any copyright privileges to them.   The work was sent as an item for
the mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
piece is known, credit will always be given.   Items are published on a first

received basis.

***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
give them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.
Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
Items. If you sign up for their list... BE WARNED... do so at your own risk.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*
*
*
===================================================
*
*
*
* * * Andychap@... * * *
*
*
*






Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

**   A NOTE FROM ANDY   **
First I want to apologize   to all my subscribers and friends for not hearing
from me for such long time.
Second, the Reason: My wife got sick on the 17th of December.   She wasn't
feeling good and in the middle of the night, she got up to use the bathroom.
While sitting there, she felt weak like she was going to pass out.   She put her
head down by her knees t o help prevent it.   She passed out anyway and fell
to the floor.   Somehow or other her right foot and ankle got tangled up when
she fell to the floor of the bathroom and she fractured her ankle.   She spent
the next 4 days in the hospital with a lot of exploring as to why it
happened.   No ideas yet!
      So I have been very busy taking c are of Lou as well as the home and
trying to get us ready for Christmas.   My time was so limited that I didn't
even
have time to be on my   computer and do a decent funnies for you all.   This
one is a combination of one from my archives and what is new as well.   Some
you may recognize and some you may not and some may recognize nothing.
Whatever, here comes a funny your way from me to you.
      My wife is doing really good now.   We have a neighborhood girl that Lou
has taken to church for many years come over every day and do some of the
chores around the house and work with Lou with whatever she needs.   Alex is a
real blessing to us.
      So I say God bless you to all of you and...
Still Shalom Always
      ~~~Andy


****
**
***
****
*****
******
Tuesday 12/27/05
***************************************************************
**  He who demands little gets it.
      - Ellen Glasgow
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of��
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized��
music in the world.��--Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)�
=================================================�

**  For the unlearned, old age is winter.   For the learned, it
is the season of the harvest   - Hasidic Saying

**  Cooperation isn't the absence of conflict but a means of
managing conflict.    - Deborah Tannen, Author

**    "Most of the shadows of this life are caused
by standing in one's own sunshine." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

**  "Everything looks different through tears."

**  Heroism consists of hanging on one minute longer.
      - Norwegian Proverb

**  Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival.
      - W. Edwards Deming, Consultant and Author

**  Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.
      - Thomas Jefferson

**  "Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to
the country and to mankind is to bring up a family." ~George Bernard Shaw

***************************************************************

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"The Funnies"         Tuesday 12/27/05

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **    Tuesday 12/27/05

**  Here are a few thoughts to help you build the fire of your desire!   Jim
Rohn and Chris Widener

The wood:
Keep a clear mental picture of the goal. This is imperative. The picture of
the goal is like the wood in a fire. It is the raw material. Know what your
goal is and what it looks like.

The fuel:
Keep a list, if simply just a mental one, of all of the benefits of pursuing
and reaching your goal. Make them as "sense" oriented as possible. "See" the
benefits. "Hear" them. "Touch" them. This is like the fuel that we add to a
fire to get it going. Now all we need is a match.

The match:
Keep yourself active! This is the match: Action! Even when you don't feel
like it, get yourself to act and soon you will see the fire burning because you
have again ignited the dream! The more desire you have the more the fire burns.

Eventually the fire will begin to die out. Here is where you throw the wood
on again, pour on some fuel, and if need be, strike another match. I would
encourage you to not let the fire go out though, because it is easier to
continually throw wood and fuel on an already burning fire than it is to start
one up
again!   Jim Rohn and Chris Widener

========================================
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"The Funnies"   Tuesesday 12/27/00

Andy Says...Just Think About This!

      To be happy with a man you must
understand him a lot and love him a little.
      To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
==================
"I went on a diet but I had to go on two diets at the same
time because one wasn't giving me enough food." -   Barry Marter
==================
Some people are born in ignorance, while others strive
their whole lives to achieve it! - Anonymous
==================
"Whatever you are filled with, spills over when you are bumped." - An
old Indian proverb
==================
If all is not lost, where is it?
==================
A little lie is like a little pregnancy it doesn't
take long before everyone knows.
==================
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
==================

My Daughters Wedding

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride,
"As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should
say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.   During the
wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's
arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Posted From [Kitty's Daily Mews]
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

For your Inspiration From Jack:    <<USN58@...>>

001215-956
See: 1 Peter 2:9.   You are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy
nation, His special people.

Oswald Chambers said, "Jesus Christ belonged to the order of things God
originally intended for humankind; He was easily Master of life, of the sea and
the
air and the earth.   If we want to know what the human race will be like on
the basis of redemption, we shall find it mirrored in Jesus Christ, a perfect
oneness between God and humanity."

When I hear this I weep over the church, because Christians seem to be in
constant conflict, fighting over doctrinal beliefs that are raised to a greater
importance than the Cross.   Why do we have such low standards of expectancy?
Why do we always conclude that God no longer works in the miraculous?   Why
must we always conclude that we must do things ourselves to stay in control?

Yet, through all of this, we say we know God is still in control, but the
testing that will surely come to His people is required if we are ever to grow.
He does not want us to remain as children.   He wants us to grow up and live
in full measure as God's chosen, but just as children we rebel.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++


My First Job   (From Steve:   <<Ruskidad@...>>

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I
just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a
little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any
way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I
didn't have any patients.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered
that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool
maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was
fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center),
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but
the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized
there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to
quit because it was always the same old grind.
You got any ideas?� I'm open for suggestions...maybe
you have something that WORKS...because I don't.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

BOSSES BASIC RULES

Rule 1: The Boss is always right!

Rule 2: In the impossible hypothesis that a subordinate may
be right, Rule 1 becomes immediately operative.

Rule 3: The boss does not sleep; he rests.

Rule 4: The Boss is never late; he is delayed elsewhere.

Rule 5: The Boss never leaves his work; his attention is
required elsewhere.

Rule 6: The Boss never reads the paper in his office; he
studies.

Rule 7: The Boss never takes advanatage of his secretary with extra work.
He educates her.

Rule 8: The Boss is always chief, even in his bathing togs.

Rule 9: Whomsoever may enter the boss's office with an idea
of his own must leave the office with the boss's ideas.

Rule 10: If, in your lamentable ignorance, you fail to
grasp the truth, fear not; return to rule 1.
                                    +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Try this on the next sales person you meet

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he
really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door
and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than
three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked, "May I ask
where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming back?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

JUST FOR A SMILE OR TWO:       -From Dailyinbox: Reader's Digest-

Busily checking in luggage for the large airline where I work, I ask
every traveler, 'Is this your suitcase?' before proceeding. At the
peak of the afternoon rush, one man hesitated after my inquiry and
replied, 'No, its my brother-in-laws, but he said I could us
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Where Storms Come From

A young Naval student was being put through the paces by an old
sea-captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors
from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir . . . ."

Source: A Saturday Smile, www.coolnewsletters.com via
http://www.witandwisdom.org
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Why I'm Really Tired!

On Christmas afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into
an easy chair saying, "Boy!   Am I ever tried."

Her husband looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct
two special services last nite, three today, & give a total
of five sermons.   Why are you so tired?"

"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++
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LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted and I do not claim to
own any copyright privileges to them.   The work was sent as an item for the
mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any   of the material, please
contact me immediately at:
  Andychap@...      Retro Credit will be given.
If the author of a piece is known, credit will always be given.   Items
are published on a first received basis.

***Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I use
their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually give
them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.. Many
of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable Items. If you
sign up for their lists do so at your own risk.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

*
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***
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*****


Dear Friends and Subscribers to "Andychap's The Funnies"
      This is just a note to let you know that we are home from our cruise in
the Caribbean
and had an absolutely great time.   Our kids really took good care of us ...
and I tell you this ... the Norwegian Cruise Line would get a 5 star for
taking good care of us, friendliness, cleanliness and food.   It was so fun to
be
on that cruise with our kids and grand kids.   When we got home Sunday the 4th
of Dec, it was laundry time and immediately packing up for our kids to leave
us on Monday afternoon at 2:00PM.   There they went to Milwaukee and from there
to Hawaii for their next duty station with the Air Force.   I cannot tell you
how much we miss them and the grandkids calling out to us... PaPaw and MeMa
look, etc.   We have talked to all 4 of them on the phone but they are really
busy recuperating from the move from Japan, to Milwaukee, to SanAntonio, the
week long cruise, another week in Milwaukee (That is where Eric's family lives)
and then on to look for a home for them to live in for the next 3 years.
      We spent last week ourselves R and R as we lived fast and fun for that 7
days of cruising.   Seriously, I hope that we can do it again one day.
      I am way behind on my homework, lots of Dr. apts as does my honey Lou.
We too have been doing our share of R and R or rest and recuperating.
      During this time I will go through my old archives and pull out one of
them and send it to you.   I don't want to have any of you asphyxiate from lack
of fun and laughter.   So till them, here is a great extra that was sent to
me by a good friend.   Please enjoy this and know that fun and laughter will
follow some time today.

      So until then... Still Shalom Always
Andy

PS.   My wife will probably give me the ax on what I am going to tell you but
we had some Christmas cards made of us to send out to family and friends.
If you would like one, send me your address and I will mail them out till I run
out of cards, unless there will be a way to get more made. So again...
      Shalom Always
~~~~~Andy


**   Horse-Sense   **   ASB Elsie:   (etaylor225@...)

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.
From a distance, each looks like every other horse.�
But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite
amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind.�
His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for
him.
This alone is amazing.

Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell.� Looking around for the source
of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.�
Attached to her bridle is a small bell.�
It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always
checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to
where
she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because
we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.
He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we
are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places
in our lives.

Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to see God.�"Good friends
are like stars.....You don't always see them, but you know they are always
there."
================================================================
******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
rights to any of the materials sent to this list. We just want to spread the
ministry of God's love and Cheerfulness throughout the world.

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LEGAL STUFF: These pieces are published as submitted. I do not claim
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the mailing list.   If you are a copyright owner of any of the material,
please
contact me immediately and Retro Credit will be given. If the author of a
piece is known, credit will always be given.   Items are published on a first

received basis.

***   Much of my humor comes from several other mailings I receive. When I
use their stories and humor as a courtesy for using their material I usually
give them a link. This in no way is a personal endorsement of their mailing.
Many of the lists have much garbage to sort through to get the usable
Items. If you sign up for their list... BE WARNED... do so at your own risk.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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* * * Andychap@... * * *
*
*
*


Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

* Dear Friends and Subscribers to Andychaps The Funnies

  My wife LOU and I are going to embark on a 7 day cruise from Houston, Texas
to who knows where with our daughter and her husband and our 2 grandkids.   I
hope that when we get back and I get at this keyboard again I will be able to
say... A good time was hjad by all."

Consequently with all the time constraints plasced on me I chjose to go a
re-run from way back in December 2001.   You upon reading one of the funnies
will notice that it references the time way back when George W. Bush was
Governor of Texas.

God Bless all of you and I'll see you when I get back.   I Love you all...
and Still Shalom Always
~~~~~Andy
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Andy Says...Just Think About This!

Life's battles don't always go to the strongest or fastest man,
but sooner or later the man who wins is the one who THINKS HE CAN!
~~~~anonymous~~~~
========================
**I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck,
and dodging deadlines.

**You are here: X

**There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell
everything you know.

**My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there...

**There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**Why is it that all the semi drivers who cut me off or pull out
in front of me never seem to have that "How's My Driving?"
telephone number on the back of their trucks?

**The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you...

**To all gun-control advocates: How about placing a sign on
your front lawn that reads: "This home is gun-free."?

**The length of a film should be directly related to the
endurance of the human bladder.
      - Alfred Hitchcock

**Egotist:   A person more interested in himself than in me.

**I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout.
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint,
and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.
      - Kevin Meaney

**A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a
mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before
you can eat too much.

**If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the
computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million
miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
                                                 - Robert X Cringely

**The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

**The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary
store.

**If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the
men fooling around with?

**I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was
eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the
letter.           - Drew Carey

**I never pay my bills. It's not that I don't have the money, it's just
the only way I can get anyone to call me.

**A can of cat food contains as much meat as five adult mice.

**I'm still having a lousy childhood.

**If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

**My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

**Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.

**I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.
      - Any Mother With Kids

**If the government wants to do something about
monopolies, why don't they forget about Microsoft and
do something about Ticketmaster?

**In the oldies song, "Walk Like a Man," why do all the
men sing like girls?

**Send more tourists..... the last ones were delicious!

**When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a
problem.
      *- Edward Abbey

**A fool and his money are my best friends

**I can't wait for interactive TV so I can slap Geraldo.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

For Your Inspiration From jack:   <<USN58@...>>

000710-867
See:   Mt 18:19.   I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about
anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my father in heaven…

Why is it so difficult for men to pray with their wives?   I have struggled
this most of my life.   I tend to be a person of routine.   I like the
structure of doing repetitive things at a certain time and place each day.   My
wife,
on the other hand, is the exact opposite.   She can be like a bar of wet soup
or a herd of cats when it is time do something repetitive at the same time or
place.

Duane Storey in Body & Soul explains it this way, "Praying with their wives
is one of the last things some men do. Why? Perhaps it's because prayer places
then in a position of dependence upon God and husbands may not want their
wives to see them in a dependent situation. Yet my wife says this about us
praying
together: "I feel closer to you when we pray together, Duane, than at any
other time. For me, praying together is the most intimate thing we do."

"Kneeling beside the bed, holding hands, lifting up our praise and requests,
and entering into God's presence may indeed be the most intimate thing any of
us ever does with our spouse. It is part of God's design, because spiritual
intimacy is another vital part of marriage. When a couple's body, soul, and
spirit are in harmony with one another and with their Creator, physical intimacy
becomes reminiscent of Paradise, and love returns to Eden."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

A Living Testimony!

MURPHY'S LAW

Thanks for featuring the graffiti: another passion of mine is Murphy's Law
("Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.") But not just Murphy's; there
are loads of laws that have been formulated down the years.   I've got
several books that quote various laws, here's a few you might like -

**ANTHONY'S WORKSHOP LAW:
Any tool, when dropped, always rolls into the most inaccessible corner of
the workshop.
**COROLLARY: on the way to the corner, any dropped tool will always fall on
  your toe.

** BOREN'S LAWS:
  1. When in doubt, mumble
  2. When in trouble, delegate
  3. When in charge, ponder

** THE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS LAWS:
  1. If it doesn't run off the mains, batteries are never included
  2. If it does run off the mains, a plug is never included
  3. Everything is designed to break by Dec 26
  4. If you can wear it, it's the wrong size
  5. If it fits, the colour is never right
  6. Santa Claus is an incorrigible practical joker

**CLAY'S CONCLUSION
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

**COLE'S LAW
Thinly sliced cabbage.

** DONOHUE'S LAW
  If a thing's worth doing, make sure you do it for money.

(I work in Christian radio in the UK, and get paid for it; hence Donohue's
Law applies to me - sort of.   What I do is the ultimate job satisfaction
scenario; I'm getting paid for doing something I would cheerfully do for
nothing.)

**FETRIDGE'S LAW
Important things that are supposed to happen, do not happen, especially when
people are looking.    Conversely, things that are supposed not to happen, do
happen, especially when people are looking

** GARDENING LAWS
  1. The rake you step on is always teeth up, so not only does it injure your
foot, but it also smacks you in the mouth with the handle
  2. Other people's tools only work in other people's gardens
  3. Gimmicky devices don't work
  4. You get the most flowers or vegetables of the sort that you need the
least
  5. It always rains after you've watered the lawn
  6. If you've spent days planning to have a bonfire or a barbecue, when you
finally light it, all your neighbours decide to hang out their washing

** JOHN'S COLLATERAL COROLLARY
  In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it

** JONES' LAW
  The man who can smile when things are going wrong, has just thought of
someone he can blame it on

** THE LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
  An object will always fall so that it causes maximum damage, both to itself
and to the thing on which it falls
** COROLLARIES:
  1. The chance of the bread falling buttered side down is directly
proportional to the cost of the carpet
  2. The most delicate part will be the one that drops

**LEWANDOWSKI'S AIR-TURBULENCE PRINCIPLE
An airline flight will remain smooth until meal and/or drinks service
begins.   A smooth flight will resume when meal and/or drinks service ends.

**THE MONEY MAXIM
Money isn't everything - for one thing, it isn't plentiful.

**MRS MURPHY'S LAW
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong while he's out of town

**MURPHY'S LAW OF PRODUCT GEOGRAPHY
The extent of problems with any new product varies directly with the
distance between buyer and seller

**O'BRIEN'S TAKEAWAY LAW
No matter what or how much you order, it always takes twenty minutes.

**PALMER'S LAW
The only thing better than a lie is a true story that no-one will believe.

**PATTON'S LAW OF SACRIFICE (attributed to General George Patton)
You don't win wars by dying for your country - you win wars by making the
other poor Joe die for HIS country.

**ROSE'S LAW OF INVESTMENT
Never invest in anything that has to be painted or fed.

**SKINNER'S MATHEMATICAL CONSTANT
That quantity which, when added to, subtracted from, multiplied by, or
divided by, the answer you get, gives you the answer that you should have
got.   (Also known as the Fudge Factor)

**STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM
If it looks easy, it's tough.   If it looks tough, it's impossible

**SWARTZ'S MAXIM
Live every day as if it were your last, and one day you'll be right.

**US ARMY ENGINEERS' GENERAL ORDERS
Measure with a micrometer; mark with a pencil; cut with an axe.

**VARGAS'S LAWS
1. If directions to a place include the words 'you can't miss it', you will.
2. There is no such thing as a little garlic - or a mild heart attack - or a
few children
3. A jar that cannot be opened by any combination of household tools, force
and determination, will instantly open if picked up by the lid.

**WEILER'S LAW
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself

**WOLF'S LAW
You never get a second chance to make a first impression

Blessings~~~~ Trevor:   <<gospel.highway@...>>
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

WE Should Have Known!

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female
reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year--the only members of the deer
family, Cervidae, to have females do so.   Male reindeer drop their antlers
at
the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

  Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the
spring.   Therefore, according to every historical rendition   depicting
Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen .......
had to be a girl!   We should've known that when they were able to find their

way.
                               +++++++++++++++++++

"Election Chickens"     Political Humor

Why did the chicken cross the road? Florida Version

**THE GORE CAMPAIGN
Contrary to claims being made by the Bush campaign, the
chicken has not crossed the road. And, even if it has, it
will not cross the road again.
What about the 19,000 chickens that were thrown out? What
about the 3,500 ducks that were mistaken for chickens?

**THE PALM BEACH COUNTY FLORIDA CHICKEN
  I didn't mean to cross the road. Had I known I was crossing
the road, I wouldn't have done it. I didn't even know the road
was there. The sign was confusing and misleading. I demand my
right not to cross the road, and, if necessary, will sue.

**FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE JAMES BAKER
    For the good of the country and for the sake of our standing
in the world, the chicken should finish crossing the road for
once and for all, and the business of an orderly transition to
the other side of the road should begin.

**GORE CAMPAIGN MANAGER WILLIAM DALEY
    Because the arrow pointing across the road was misleading.
It was not the true and accurate will of the chicken. The chicken
should be taken back across the road and be allowed to make the
decision once again.

**WARREN CHRISTOPHER
      We've come to believe that there are serious and substantial
irregularities resulting from the road being crossed only in one
county.

**JESSE JACKSON
  I received thousands of calls from chickens who were trying to
cross the road, but who were stopped by road blocks set up by the
white man. Thousands of others were forced to cross roads they
had no intention of crossing by the white man. These chicken
crossings do not pass the smell test. This is an unmistakable,
unequivocal, unambiguous, and indisputable case of chicken
discrimination and crossing fraud. We must have a federal
investigation.

**JANET RENO
     Chicken crossings are state problems.

**VICE PRESIDENT GORE
     I like chickens. I invented chickens. I was with the chicken
when it crossed the road. In 1974, long before any one else
recognized the plight of chickens, I recognized their plight and
began to fight for them. I am fighting for the chickens right
now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will
fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

**GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH
     Chickness maybe need to cross the road, but I don't believe we
need to get the chicknes across the road. I say give the road to
the chickness and let them decide. The govnerment needs to stop
stranglinging the chickens and then getting them across the road.
My mom likes chickens.

**SENATOR LIEBERMAN
    I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their
God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey
and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in
their own way.

**SECRETARY CHENEY
    Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly
if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They
don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested
in crossing the road myself.

**RALPH NADER
      Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the
evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays
tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures
chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them.
Down with the roads; up with chickens.

**PAT BUCHANAN
      That wasn't my chicken. I think it was Gore's.
          --Sent in By Stan Kegel
================================================
Posted From Aiken:   See, I told you he was great! and had great humor.   Now
subscribe at:  To subscribe :AIKENSLongJoke-subscribe@...
================================================

oin the Club =====

Are you interested in joining...

  *The German philosophy club?    I. Kant.

  *The Ford-Nixon club?    Pardon me?

  *The Arafat club?    Yessir.

  *The Alzheimers club?    Forget it.

  *The Ebert movie club?    Roger.

  *The Groucho Marx club?    You bet your life!

  *The Peter Pan club?    Never, never.

  *The Japanese theatre club?    Noh.

  *The Quarterback club?    I'll pass.

  *The Compulsive Rhymers' club?    Okey-dokey.

  *The Spanish Optometrists' club?    Si.

  *The Antiperspirant club?    Sure.

  *The Pregnancy club?    Conceivably.

  *The Procrastinators' club?    Maybe next week.

  *The Self-esteem Builders club?    They wouldn't accept me anyway.

  *The Agoraphobics Society?    Only if they can meet at my house

  *The Co-dependency club?    Can I bring my mother?

  *The Prayer group?    God willing!
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



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Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

*************
**
***
****
*****
******
Monday   11/21/05
***************************************************************
**  Exercise daily ..... Walk with the Lord!
John STROADE Shay, Sr.

"A man's heart is right when he wills what God wills." - Thomas Aquinas
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by
the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because
those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. - Romans 8:13-14

**  Did you know that the Bible says all men are born with the truth of God
inside them?

"For the truth about God is known to them instinctively. God has put this
knowledge in their hearts.  From the time the world was created, people have
seen
the earth and sky and all that God made. They can clearly see His invisible
qualities- his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse
whatsoever for not knowing God." Romans 1: 19-20

**   A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his
influence stops.   ~Henry Brooks Adams~

**  However things may look, we always know that God must give the best
because
He is God and could do no other.     --Hannah Whitall Smith

**  Awesome Factoid:   "I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't
have as
many people who believe it."

**  God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we
might become the righteousness of God.   2 Corinthians 5:21, NIV

**  The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your
courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble
image of yourself.    -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Irish Playwright

**  When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the
door in the face of God. --Charles L. Allen
***************************************************************

Welcome To AndyChaps "The Funnies"            Monday   11/21/05
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"The Funnies"         Monday   11/21/05

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **      Monday   11/21/05

**  For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by
the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because
those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. - Romans 8:13-14

**  There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
-- Beverly Sills (1929-) American Opera Singer

**  I finally figured out why waiters give their first names: It's in case
you have
to file a missing person's report a few hours later.

**   Too many people are Christian streakers ... all they have on is the
helmet of salvation.

** Life is eternal, Love is immortal, and death is only a horizon; and a
horizon is nothing
save the limit of our sight.  -Rossiter W. Raymond  

**  The real truth of the matter is, as you and I know, that  
a financial element in the large centers has owned the  
government of the United States since the days of Andrew Jackson.  
--President Franklin Roosevelt, said 72 years ago to this date on Nov. 21,
1933  

**   The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.  

**  It is pure and simple unbelief that is at the bottom of all our lack of
comfort, and
absolutely nothing else. God comforts us on every side, but we simply do not
believe
His words of comfort.     --Hannah Whitall Smith

**  The height of your accomplishments will equal the depth of your
convictions.     -- William F. Scolavino

**   Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done
without hope and confidence.
-- Helen Keller (1880-1968) Who Was Blind and American Writer and Teacher

**   The greatest use of life is to spend it for something
that will outlast it. - William James
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

051123-1996
Ref:  Hebrews 6: 1-3.  Therefore, leaving the discussion of the elementary
principles of Christ, let us go on to perfection, not laying again the
foundation of repentance from dead works and if faith toward God, of the
doctrine of
baptisms, of laying on of hands, of resurrection of the dead, and of eternal
judgment.  And this we will do if God permits.
   
  For several years now I have been attempting to encourage all who receive my
“Thoughts” to go beyond the “Jesus loves me” mentality (as profound as
that
may be), and to delve deeper into the Word and allow the Spirit to show you a
universe of understanding.  It could be that the spiritual leadership that
you are under does not or will not leave those elemental teachings of Christ,
and continue laying again and again the foundations mentioned in this
scripture.  There is a great fear today of change and of losing control.  It
is too bad
when so many are only allowed to “see in a mirror dimly” (1 Cor 13:12).
  Therefore to the pastors/preachers I would like to encourage you to speak
forth the Word in boldness.  Do not be intimidated by those who may be sitting
in the congregation, we should remember that the King of Kings and Lord of
Lords also is in attendance, and it’s his message that we are attempting to
bring
forth, and to show that I do not speak on my own, I list the following:
  A prepared messenger is more important than a prepared message. Robert B.
Munger
   
  A preacher should be a live coal to kindle all the church. Ralph Waldo
Emerson  
   
  A preacher is one who leads men from what they want to what they need. Ralph
W. Sockman
   
  A preacher must be both a soldier and a shepherd. He must nourish, defend,
and teach; he must have teeth in his mouth and be able to bite and to
fight.   
Martin Luther (1483-1546)
   
  And lastly and perhaps most telling; A sermon should not be something that a
pastor would drive five hundred miles to deliver but wouldn't walk across the
street to hear.
   
  Becoming “Christ-like” can seem like an uphill battle; like a war between
our human worldly nature and God’s spiritual nature.  We will most likely
spend
our life time allowing the Spirit to win us over and take control.  God has
come down, in the flesh, to bring us that motivation.  To us it will seem like
an up hill battle, while it truth it is there for us to receive its nature as
we humble ourselves and submit ourselves.  Scripture tells us that, holiness
shines brightly through the meek and lowly of heart.  I am concerned that we
become all too “familiar” with the way things are in the present.
   
  PS: I was out of town for the first three days of this week. 
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  VERY LONG DISTANCE   **

Funeral directors in Ireland report that more and
more families are throwing a mobile phone into the coffin with the
deceased. They're more than just mementos, too. "There is a fear that
some people have that they will be buried alive," says Dublin mortician
Peter Flanagan. "They have contact with the outside world if they have
a mobile phone with them." But, he says, he suggests to families they
either turn the phone off, or at least turn it to vibrate. "Obviously,"
he says, "you don't want a phone ringing inside a coffin during a
funeral." (AFP) ...Ringing from a coffin wouldn't be so bad -- not
compared to hearing "Hello?"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Traditions   **

Several family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their
old
home. That December, when they went to pick up their first-grade sons from
school,
their teacher told them about a conversation she overheard.
One boy said, "We're Catholic, so we're going to Christmas Mass."
"Were Jewish," said another child, "and we're going to have a Hanukkah
celebration.
"Madison, the other boy chimed in, "We're Texans, and we all are going to
have a barbecue."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**   What Do You Make   **

      The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. 
      One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.  He
argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in
life was to become a teacher?"  He reminded the other dinner guests what they
say about teachers:  "Those who can, do.  Those who can't, teach."  To
stress
his point he said to another guest, "You're a teacher, Susan.  Be honest. What
do you make?"
      Susan, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want
to know what I make?  I make kids work harder than they ever thought they
could.  I make a C+ student feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of
Honor.  I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence. 
You want to know what I make?  I make kids wonder.  I make them criticize.  I
make them apologize and mean it.  I make them write.  I make them read, read,
read.  I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts
in English.  I make them understand that, if you have the brains and follow
your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must
pay
no attention because they just didn't learn."
      Susan paused and then continued.  "You want to know what I make?  I
MAKE
A DIFFERENCE.  What do you make?"
ASB:  PEACE!  THANK A TEACHER ..... TODAY! Old John Boy  John STROADE Shay,
Sr.
                                         ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Short Takes   **

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some
questions the teacher was asking.
  "Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by
the opposite sex?"
  I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and
asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
==============================

At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through
a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of
these styles have come back over the years," I commented.

Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this
time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
=============================

Every morning Custer rode through the Indian
Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful
Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the
Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a
finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.

Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief means by the
vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?".

The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse either!"
=================================

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before
meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that
church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does
you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered,

"Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids -- it's three dollars a pound!"
===============================

During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here you can
see the beautiful statue of Athena...".
"Excuse me, madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is that
man behind her? Is he her husband?"
"No, Athena wasn't married: She was the goddess of wisdom."
================================

During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was
asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
  "Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
==============================

A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The
minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
  At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by
saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
  "Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
===============================

The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He
was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through
all sorts of torture and stress.
  Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb
completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he
bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and
said,
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on
the inside..."
==========================

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing,
but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why
don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.
When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the
name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
==========================

A husband was in big trouble coming up to his wedding anniversary. His high
spending, forever nagging, wife told him "ok you small brained good for nothing
ape, tomorrow is our anniversary and there better be something in the
driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
==========================

After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the
previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down and gave
my girlfriend a kiss.
  Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

WE KNOW HOW LAWYERS ARE...
        A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following
exchange
took place between the lawyer and the witness:
        The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
        The witness: "Yes, sir."
        The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
        The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
        The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you
tell the jury
how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
        The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a
tape
and
measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
========================

        During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the
lab to
have
blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood
improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.
        As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking
the
blood
wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what
my husband did.
        When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled
slyly
and
said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
==============================

  Crazy Aunt Maude received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst
into floods of tears.
"Oh dear", sobbed Auntie, "It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet."
"Three feet?" exclaimed her friend. "Surely that's not possible?"
"Well," said Auntie, "his mother's just written to tell me he's grown
another foot!"
=============================

One afternoon I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found
myself locked out. There was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to
come
home. I went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.
"You locked yourself out?" he asked.
"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we
took
an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the
deck.
"So what's the problem?"
"I took the plants in for the winter."
=============================
  I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying
out
an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger,
attached
a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it
on the
couch to see how it looked.
        Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a
surprise visit.
Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom,
it's
not that bad, is it?"
===========================

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday
gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water
pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for
the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said,
"I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how
we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES!  I do
remember."
==========================

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do
with what
happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole
I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Who's That Following You   **        (from the archives of andy)

      A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school alone. 
But he didn't
want his mother to walk with him.  She wanted to give him the feeling that he
had some
independence but yet know that he was safe.  So she had an idea of how to
handle it.  She
asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in
the mornings,
staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
      Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway,
it would be a
good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
      The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out
following behind
Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew.  She did this
for the
whole week.
      As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little
friend noticed
the same lady following them as she seemed to do every day all week.  Finally
he said to
Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?  Do you
know her?"
      Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
      The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
      "That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
      "Shirley Goodnest?  Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
      "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm
with my
prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.  And in the Psalm, it says,
'Shirley Goodnest
and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life'," so I guess I'll just
have to get used to it!
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   FIVE YOUNG BULLS   **
   
      Have you heard about the five young bulls who were standing in the
pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up?
The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.
The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street.
The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.
The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop.
The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer
and heifer.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Exercising   **

Physical exercise is good for you. We know that
we should do it daily, but our bodies don't want
us to do too much, so here's a program of
strenuous activities that do not require physical
exercise. You may use this program without charge.
   
  01) Beating around the bush
   
  02) Jumping to conclusions
   
  03) Climbing the walls
   
  04) Swallowing your pride
   
  05) Passing the buck
   
  06) Throwing your weight around
   
  07) Dragging your heels
   
  08) Pushing your luck
   
  09) Making mountains out of molehills
   
  10) Hitting the nail on the head
   
  11) Wading through paperwork
   
  12) Bending over backwards
   
  13) Jumping on the bandwagon
   
  14) Balancing the books
   
  15) Running around in circles
   
  16) Eating crow
   
  17) Tooting your own horn
   
  18) Climbing the ladder of success
   
  19) Pulling out all the stops
   
  20) Adding fuel to the fire
   
  21) Opening a can of worms
   
  22) Putting your foot in your mouth
   
  23) Starting the ball rolling
   
  24) Going over the edge
   
  25) Picking up the pieces
   
  Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and
   
  26) Exercise caution.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Taking up an Offering   **

The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first
service last summer, the chairman of the board of deasons met me at the
door with the information that there were no offering plates to be
found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to
pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a
house nearby, but no one was home. When I went to the chancel
to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved.

Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle
wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had
resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Things Moms Would Never Say   **

** "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

** "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

** "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look
more cheery"

** "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

** "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed
and walk him every day"

** "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

** "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm
running a prison around here."

** "I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"

** "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."
                                 +++++++++++++++++++++

**  What their fathers did for a living   **   ASB:  A Retired Guidance
Councelor For Grade School Kids.

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor,lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some of them
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
 
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is
helping to secure the nomination of Hilary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to
say that in front of the other kids."
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   The Aggies of Texas A&M   **    (from andy's archives)

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University
were given the assignment to measure the height of
a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders
and tape measures, but they fell off the ladders, dropped
the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was  just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they
are trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of
the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and
then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and
then walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another
and laughed, "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer?

We were looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Airplane Crash   **

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but
only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player,
the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left
the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former US
President, The Smartest Woman in the world and a NY State Senator and a
potential future president." So she took the 2nd pack
and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United
States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a
superpower
nation. And I am the cleverest president in American history, so America's
people won't
let me die." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old
schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a
Catholic I will
sacrificemy life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's
Smartest Woman and Future presidential hopeful has taken my schoolbag."

Here's a parachue for you ands one for me.   We will be saaved!
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
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                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

*********
**
***
****
*****
******
Friday   11/18/05
***************************************************************
**  I've learned from experience that the greater part of our  
happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on  
our circumstances.  --Martha Washington, First Lady 
***************************************************************

**   Andychaps "The Funnies" strives to bring you the very best in clean,
wholesome humor.   I never seek to offend any person or group, but I Do ask you
to remember that much of humor is built around what would be tragic if taken
seriously.   **

~~~Shalom Always
~~~~~~~Andy

***************************************************************

**  I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of  
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized  
music in the world.  --Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004) 
================================================= 

**  The great thing and the hard thing is to stick to things when you
have outlived the first interest, and not yet got the second, which
comes with a sort of mastery.   -- Janet Erskine Stuart

**  Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the
law of Christ.    Galatians 6:2, New International Version

**  "Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their  
minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."  ~~~William James

**  Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.  
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their  
beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.  
~~~ --Louisa May Alcott, Author of "Little Women"  

**  Cautious, careful people always casting about to preserve  
their reputation or social standards never can bring about  
reform. Those who are really in earnest are willing to be  
anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly  
and privately, in season and out, avow their sympathies  
with despised ideas and their advocates, and bear the  
consequences. ~~~~ --Susan B. Anthony, Abolitionist, Suffragist  

**  One of the keys to success is staying motivated because it is being
motivated that keeps us going out the door every day to change the world and
reach
our destiny! It is our desire for a better life, for change in us and others,
and for personal growth and fulfillment that moves our mountains! Desire!

Desire sure is a word with much more richness to it than the word "want"
though they are essentially the same. "Want," though, sounds like you could take
it or leave it. "Desire" says, "I have to have it!" Desire, is "want" with a
fire under it!

Unfortunately, we tend to ebb and flow from want to desire, even with the
same goal! One day we may be passionate about building our business or growing
our relationships and then, the next day, we find ourselves simply in the "want"
camp again. The key to keeping on is to re-light the fire under want so it
roars into a raging fire of desire! Then, and only then, will we see the passion
needed to be tenacious pursuers of our dreams! Keeping the fire lit is what
will see you through the mountains and valleys of life and the journey you are
on to your success!   ~~~~~ by Jim Rohn

**  "I used to think the brain was the most wonderful function in my body. 
Then I realized who was telling me
this."   ~Emo Phillips

**  Faith is the only way to please God because in faith we show that
circumstances cannot sway us. Our life and hope are built on the perfect
knowledge that he's in control.     --Mary Morrison Suggs

***************************************************************

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"The Funnies"         Friday   11/18/05

**   "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of
derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle
drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and
help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible
defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus
freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that
is certain to come." -- Og Mandino
===========================================

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without
springs--jolted by every pebble in the road."
~Henry Ward Beecher~
           ===========================================

This material is not suitable for those who are deficient in humor
or thought challenged!!! Do not read any further - you have been
warned. Preconceived ideas and biases could be endangered.
A unique blend of the jocular with provocative rumination is just
ahead for your divertissement!?!
           =========================================

**   Andy Says... Just Think About This!   **

**  Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at  
least 6 feet (2 m) away from a toilet to avoid airborne  
particles resulting from the flush.

**  American chocolate manufacturers use about 1.5 billion  
pounds of milk -- only surpassed by the cheese and ice  
cream industries.  

**  According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored  
day for self-destruction.  

**  It took Leo Tolstoy six years to write "War & Peace".  

**  Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards.  
(What I like to eat when I'm stressed)  

**  A father Emperor penguin withstands the Antarctic cold  
for 60 days or more to protect his eggs, which he keeps  
on his feet, covered with a feathered flap.  

**  "Growing old has one advantage - you never have to do it over again."

**  It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

**  "There is a land of the living and a land of the dead,
and the bridge is love."    -- Thornton Wilder

**  "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled
for a reason."   -- Jerry Seinfeld

**  "If love is blind, what is the purpose of lingerie?"
-- Anonymous

**   For Your Inspiration From Jack:   **     <<USN58@...>>

051116-1994
Ref:  1 Peter 2: 2. Like newborn babies, crave pre spiritual milk, so that by
it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord
is good.
   
  One characteristic that all healthy normal children share is that they want
to grow up.  They have an overwhelming desire to grow up, to seek adulthood,
and how truly sad it is to look upon an abnormal baby who is starving for life,
yet they do not seek want nourishment.  Whatever you do for them they spit it
out of their mouth. They do not know that they are starving and need food to
grow. 
   
  The same is true of us. If we are born from above and do not receive healthy
food, we will also starve.  When we are healthy we yearn for food, but when
we are starving we do not realize that we are hungry.  In the beginning there
was a need for milk, but soon we begin to yearn for the meat of God’s Word.
 That is the way of a healthy spirit, and we desperately need to grow up
spiritually in this world.  How much do you truly yearn for it; has it become
life
giving in your soul?  It did to Dr. Ray Jarman.  The word he finally received
was
“Power.”  That is how God’s word, when received, comes to us; “In
power.” 
   
  Dr. Ray had read and re-read all the words in the Book, he was considered a
scholar in his denomination, but the true “Word of God” never got to him
until he opened his heart.  Sadly there are many Dr. Ray’s in the pulpits
today. 
In truth all they are is religious; choking on blind obedience to a
“feel-good”
  mentality that bears little resemblance to a true believer.  Observe their
fruit production.  Some people wonder why their prayers are not answered.  Why
do they feel defeated and not victorious?  What kind of spiritual food are
they consuming?  Remember the "Word of God," when received, will always come in
"Power."

  The question then becomes, "What is the Word of God?"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
   
  “The life-giving preacher is a man of God, whose heart is ever athirst for
God, whose soul is following hard after God, whose eye is single to God, and in
whom by the power of God's Spirit the flesh and the world have been
crucified; his ministry is like the generous flood of a life-giving river.
Life-giving
preaching costs the preacher much-death to self, crucifixion to the world, the
travail of his own soul. Only crucified preaching can give life. Crucified
preaching can come only from a crucified man.”    Edward McKendree Bounds
(1835-1913)
=================================================================

**    Short Takes   **      Friday   11/18/05

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?
ASB.... Jack:   JandJneuman@...
==========================

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell.
(Odor in the Court!)
=====================

On Christmas afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying,
"Boy! 
Am I ever tried."
Her husband looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct two special services
last night,
"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."
======================

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it 
clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket
and
telephone Jack before cleaning.  Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
====================

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited,
he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post
office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of
blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new preacher in town and
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to
Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know
the way to the post office!"
===================

  Famous Last Words  
Am I dying or is this my birthday?  
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all  
her family around her bedside.  --Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964  
===================

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,  
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."  
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm  
Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school,  
and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"  

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."  
===================

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many
reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four
bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he
turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he
wants to marry?"
==================

      My violin teacher was instructing a large group class. She showed them
her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s in
Vienna."
      Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, "So you got it
used?"
=================

A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious
enough that he decided to change his will.

At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This
needs an heircut."
================

  "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day
always just exactly fits the newspaper."
-Jerry Seinfeld
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Getting To The Top   **

  Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that
the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have
to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of
this unpleasant task by concentrating on something
interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing
songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad
stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began
to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott
began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the
room key in the car!"
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++

** Women's Golfing Terms   **

Double Bogey:  'Casablanca' followed by 'African Queen.'

Iron:   What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.

Good Lie:   Weight on their driver's license.

Greens:   Lunch we eat when we'd rather have a cheeseburger.

Hole-In-One:   Time to get new pantyhose.

Fairway:   Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.

Shaft:   You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.

Slice:   'No thanks. Just a sliver.'

Water Hazard:  Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   To My Dear Friend, Pastor Phil Blowhorn   **    ASB    Lynn:
LAnder1316@...

I sure hope attendance at your church was better'n my church. Mercy, >
pastorin' ain't always easy, now is it? We had us a bunch of sick folk, and them
added to all the  shut-ins made for a whole lot uh pew cushion to look at from
the
pulpit.

I got to admit, I was feelin' somewhat put out, but I went ahead and preached
anyhows. Only thing was, with all them people missin' the  echo in the church
gave me a hoot of a headache.  My wife said I needed to git out and ride a
bit 'cause the fresh air would make me feel better.

Well, she took to drivin' and I took to ridin' and sure 'nuff, she was 
right.  Not only did my head clear up, but what I saw renewed my faith in the
Good
Lord.  I tell you, Brother, I seen miracle after miracle!

My Sunday School superintendent, Hank Weaselbaum had called to tell me that
he was so deathly sick, he wouldn't make it to church.  But there he was,
drivin' down the road with his favorite fishin' pole stickin' out the window. 
I
tell you, only a miracle coulda' snatched him out'a the jaws of death that way!

Then there was my head deacon, Wilbur Snooch.  He had done left a message on
my answerin' machine that his back was so jerked out'a line that he thought he
might have to have surgery.  But I want you to know that when we drove past
the golf course, there he was, hittin' golf balls on the drivin'  range. 
Hallelujah, our prayers worked!

Edna Brump sent word with her sister that she wouldn't make it 'cause her
stomach was all upset and she didn't want to take a chance on havin' a mishap in
the church. But glory! There she was, standin' in line at the Feedin' Trough
Smorgasbord.  Another healin'!

All told, we saw that 20 of our sick folk had takin' a turn for the better
and were up and about.  Not only that, but I just couldn't help from rejoicin'
over all our shut-ins that got themselves healed too.  There was Sam Burply,
who don't attend church much causin' of him being allergic to crowds, and he was
in line to buy a ticket at the ball park.

Margaret Guffhunker, who's been feelin' all poor and sickly that she's done
missed the last eight Sundays, she was comin' out of the mall with both arms
full of packages.

And then there was Horace Dweedle, who ain't been to church in six months
cause'a his bum knee; he was playin' basketball down at the park.

Seein' all these mighty miracles and healin's got me so worked up, I started
singin' the Doxology!
Yes, sir, Brother Blowhorn, I'm excited!  I just know we'll be havin' us a
packed house next Sunday, what with all the sick and shut-ins revived  by such
a
touch from Heaven.  I look forward to givin' you right nice report.
   
  Your good friend,

Pastor William Robert ("Billy-Bob")
Devil's Town, GA
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  John Wayne Museum   **

  A show business museum in Hollywood is presenting an exhibit on the career
of the late and great actor John Wayne.
  One of the featured items is a pair of yellowy-brownish colored gravestones
bearing his name, date of birth, and the titles of his most memorable movies.
  The museum has decided to call the exhibit, ...  "The Amber Graves of
Wayne."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  For those sarcastic moments...   **

** And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

** I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

** I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

**   Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

** Does your train of thought have a caboose?

** Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

** A PBS mind in an MTV world.

** Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

** Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after
them.

** Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

** Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

** I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

** A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

** Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.

** Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

** I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

** Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

** Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

** Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

** Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

** I plead contemporary insanity.

** How do I set a laser printer to stun?

** Meandering to a different drummer.
                                    +++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Someone's Knocking At My Door   **

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years
old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and
he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base- ball
and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you
suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at
me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   He's A Good Dentist   **

  A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor
for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked
a shot," he said.
"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach.
That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   A Four Year Old Boy's Prayer   **

      A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before
Thanksgiving dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in
expectation. 
    He began his prayer, thanking God for all his
friends, naming them one by one.  Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy,
brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. 
    Then he began to thank God for the food.  He gave thanks for the turkey,
the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even
the Cool Whip. 
    Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.  After a long silence,
the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the
broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Thanksgving   **

  One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search.  A
friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?" 
    "Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in
the Old
Testament or New Testament."
=======================

    Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a
Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. 
Grandma
showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing:  "The Pilgrim children
liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." 
    "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that
rifle?"
=======================

    Father, bless us according to our thankLESSness, lest Thou bless
us according to our thankfulness, and we starve.
=======================

    The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies
was informed
that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend. 
    He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man
agreed, and began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."
======================

**  FLU DO-SI-DO   **  {A New Square Dance From Old John Boy Strode}
   
Choose your partners, one and all,
Aspirin, Advil or Tylenol!
Now fling those covers with all you've got.
One minute cold, the next minute hot.
   
  Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.
Back to the middle and don't goof off,
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.
   
  Forget about slippers, dash down the hall.
Toss your cookies in the shower stall
Remember others on the brink
Wash your hands, wash the sink.
   
  Wipe the doorknob, the light switch too,
Now you've got it, you're doing the flu.
Some like it cold, some like it hot,
If you like neither, then get the shot.
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Getting Married Too young   **

My sister, went to the department store to check out the  
bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up  
soon.  When my sister returned from the store, she tossed  
the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too  
young to get married."  
"Why do you say that?" I asked.  
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."  
                                    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**  Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes   **

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-  
ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy.  
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."  

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"  
"A Datsun."  
As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump"  
the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got  
28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water  
pumps too."  

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called  
that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.  

That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's  
our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water  
pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up,  
Datsun 280Z water pump, part number... 
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Having Fun With Life   **

** At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

** Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

** Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."

** Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

** Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

** Don't use any punctuation marks.

** Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

** Sing along at the opera.

** Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

** Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.

** Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

** Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

** When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!", "Third
time this week!"

** When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

** Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   "While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending
waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking
the lower right corner of my make- up mirror to see what time it was."
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Defining Characteristics   **

...of Slow People

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each
other.

2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow
driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.

3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in
their rear view mirrors, either.

4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone
trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get
around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that
is moving at the highest speed.

5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up
with soggy ice cream every time.
                               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Are You Hurt   **

    While walking through a parking lot, I tripped
and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a
woman stopped her car and called out, "Are youhurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said.
"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating
your parking space now?"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++++

**   Needing Help Bad   **

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to
a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where's
the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and
says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's
the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy
asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's
question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I
w-w-w-want to get h-h-h-him ups-s-set s-s-s-since I
also st-st-st-stutter?!!"
                               ++++++++++++++++++++
******
Disclaimer:
THAT'S   ALL   FOLKS
================================================================

Andy Says...Most of the above inspirations and trivia are obtained from
various sources and copyrights and credits are used when known. Other
than our names, headers and our own writings we do not own the copy-
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Dave "Andy" Anderson Andychap@...


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