Friday 3/21/2008 (From Andy's Archived Funnies
Today marks the 21st day since I got out of the hospital with my 9th bout
with pneumonia. I spent over a week in isolation while being treated for the
bacteria (kelbsiella) which is causing my pneumonia. Please stand wth me in
prayer that this disease will be permanently killed (eradicated) and that I will
no longer have these bouts with pneumonia. I am pretty much confined to
home for now and an still using oxegen and taking nebulizer treatments 3 to 4
times day. This has made my breathing easier, but I desire to keep it that
way and one day be off oxegen, at least part of the time.
So then, my friends, I wish you a "Happy Easter" and remember that it is
because He lives. we can live also.
In Christ and much love to all of you
Dave "Andy" Anderson
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Shalom Always,
Andy
===========================================================
Sure is HOT down here:
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel
room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer
Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@....
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail
ended up going to JeanJohn@..., a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the
wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried thatday.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly
fainted. it read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
From Tony: <<RevTonyAG@...>>
+++++++++++++++++++++
Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally
the guys' side of the story.
We always hear '?the rules'
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up
put it down.
We need it up
you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one
Subtle hints do n ot work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact
all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat
you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry
we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it
just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible
Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 1 6 colors
like Windows default settings.
Peach
for example
is a fruit
not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches
it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing
' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere
absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topi cs as baseball or
motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes
I know
I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can-to give them a bigger laugh!
                        +++++++++++++++++++
STROADEnote:Â I don't like lizards 'n snakes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?
If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box what colour would it be?
Can a blind chameleon change colour? (stroadeNOTE: aren't chameleon's just
*dandy* gekko's?)
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Why does a frog-call sound like 'rabbit'?
Are frogs the only animals that are truly immortal? Do they not croak EVERY
night and still get up in the morning?
Can only really rich crocodiles afford dental treatment as they have so many
teeth?
Do illegally parked frogs get toad away?
Did anyone think of eating the other parts of frogs? (STROADEnote:Â Have to
ask the French ... parlez vou ribbet-ribbet?)
Do snakes get rashes from poison ivy? If so, how do they scratch it?
What would happen if a poisonous snake bit its own tongue? (STROADEnote:
Sayanora slithery critter!)
Do crocodiles really shed tears? And if so why?
########################
ENJOY YOUR DAY ... EVERY DAY!
Stroade
John STROADE Shay, Sr.
GLEEFULLY RETIRED!!!
  Don't praise yourself; let others do it!
       (Proverbs 27:2)
===================================================
Partners Polemic
* Came home late the other nite. The minute I hit the door,
Mrs JimJr started shooting from the lip.
* Mrs JimJr and I have gotten sooooo good over the years at
patching up our quarrels, they're just as good as new ones.
* Guess y'all heard about the deaf mute and his wife. She was
so angry, he couldn't get a finger in edgewise.
* In kung fu, you fight with your feet. Big Deal. I've been
doing that for over thirty years. When Mrs JimJr gets really
upset with me, I run as fast as I can.
* The wife was a little more furious than usual and said,
"I should have listened to my Mother twenty years ago."
"Go ahead..." shot back the husband. "It ain't too late.
She's still babbling away."
* A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to
quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women,
'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
* Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss
their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do
anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.
"Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at
least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
by: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@...> and Posted From: UGA
+++++++++++++++++++++
You're not old UNLESS you can remember (I know this is a repeat I sent a
couple yeas ago but it's still really great. There have been a few additions
to the list since then.)
* Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
* When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than
milk and sodas.
* When there were two types of sneakers for boys (Hi Top and Low top).
* When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
* When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
* When all your friends (me included) got their hair cut at the kitchen
table (and Dad put a bowl around our head for an edging pattern so my
neighborhood kids teased us four brothers!).
* When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
* When nobody owned a pure*bred dog.
* When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.
* When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny (I still do).
* When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
* When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
* When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done,
and that was everyday, no exceptions.
* When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!
* When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden
inside the box. (and we are still using them).
* When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to
carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
* When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a
real restaurant with your parents.
* When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!
* When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the
fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
* When women were called, "Mrs. John Smith," instead of their own name.
*****and the list could go on and I imagine it will. By the time this is
returned to me I'll bet therell be a lot more interesting "MEMORIES" added
to this list.*****
++++++++++++++++++++++
Following in MY footsteps? Great!
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up
and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May
I take you order?"
By:Susan Dillon as Posted from UGA
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nothing but the Truth!
David Casstevens of the Dallas Morning News tells a
story about Frank Szymanski, a Notre Dame center in the
1940s, who had been called as a witness in a civil suit at
South Bend.
"Are you on the Notre Dame football team this year?"
the judge asked.
"Yes, Your Honor."
"What position?"
"Center, Your Honor."
"How good a center?"
Szymanski squirmed in his seat, but said firmly: "Sir,
I'm the best center Notre Dame has ever had."
Coach Frank Leahy, who was in the courtroom, was
surprised. Szymanski always had been modest and unassuming.
So when the proceedings were over, he took Szymanski aside
and asked why he had made such a statement. Szymanski
blushed.
"I hated to do it, Coach," he said. "But, after all, I
was under oath."
By David Casstevens from Condensed Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Patty Hansen
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What I want in a Wife!
( another that I did long ago but is worth the repeat.)
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook
intended for High School girls:
"How to prepare for married life."
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the
house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. You2 husband will feel
he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see
them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of
washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to
be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad
to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what
he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low,
soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.
++++++++++++++++++++
THOUGHTS:
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh,
you might as well laugh about it now. - Marie Osmond
SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
*If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
*Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the
mute can speak.
*When you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.
*What holds you together is far greater than what can tear you apart.
*Respect costs nothing. (Unless it's lost)
*Life is like a soap opera. God is the head writer; your story line keeps
changing; it's a daily event; and there are Friday cliffhangers.
*When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so
long at the closed door that we do not see the one which had been opened
for us.
*Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
*Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
RUMINATIONS
*I am the most anti-social person I know. But of course, I don't know
anyone because I'm so anti-social. - Derek Neitzel
*Maybe tomorrow is actually the last day of the first part of my life. -
Michael McCuiston
*Graduation is a funny thing. It probably helps that I went to clown
college, though. - Justin E. Kerner
*I bet that guy who learned everything he needed to know in kindergarten
feels pretty dumb paying his student loan every month. - Pat Perez
*I wonder if NASA thought the moon might be made of cheese before they
sent up the Apollo 11 crew. Because if it was, it would have been really
bad if the astronauts were lactose intolerant. - Paul Paternoster
*If you stacked all the US currency together, you could probably reach
the moon, but I bet the Apollo program was still more economical.
- Larry Baum
*The first thing I do after opening a bar of Ivory soap is to scrape off
the .0056 part that's impure. I mean, who wants to wash themselves
with that stuff? - Paul Paternoster
*Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on
earth. Does anybody want mine? I certainly don't. - Chuck Bonner
*I read once that Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 17,000 words. That's
pretty impressive, but I bet he used some of them twice. - Jeff Alexander
KEEP SMILING:( at my age?)
A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
++++++++++++++++
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+++++++++++++++++
What's the Difference?
Charlie is eating at his friend Angelo's Italian restaurant. He says,
"Angelo, I just got back from Rome, and your lasagna is so much better
than Roman lasagna."
Angelo says, "It's the cheese. They use the domestic - I use the
imported."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Whaat did you say???? ehhhh?
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a
walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
++++++++++++++++++
I'm Fine - How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me,Â
I'm just as healthy as can be,Â
I have arthritis in both knees,Â
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.Â
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,Â
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.Â
All my teeth have had to come out,Â
And my diet I hate to think about.Â
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,Â
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.Â
And arch supports I need for my feet.Â
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.Â
Sleep is denied me night after night,Â
But every morning I find I'm all right.Â
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.Â
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.Â
Old age is golden — I've heard it said,Â
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.Â
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,Â
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.Â
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,Â
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?Â
The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has far-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,Â
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.Â
The moral of this as the tale unfolds,Â
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.Â
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
<<From: Imsaved@...>>
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Life Worth Saving
A man risked his life by swimming through the
treacherous riptide to save a youngster being swept out to
sea. After the child recovered from the harrowing
experience, he said to the man, "Thank you for saving my
life."
The man looked into the boy's eyes and said, "That's
okay, kid. Just make sure your life was worth saving."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
By Author Unknown from More Sower's Seeds by Brian Cavanaugh
from A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1995 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Disclaimer:
THAT'S ALL FOLKS
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