WOSSNAME - JUNE 2007 -- PART 3 OF 9 (continued)
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====Part  3 - ...AND MORE...

19) DISCWORLD JAMBOREE: AN EARLY LOOK-IN
20) INTERVIEW: IAN STEWART
21) WOSSNAME VOLUNTEERS SUBMISSIONS GUIDE
22) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

19) DISCWORLD JAMBOREE 2007: SCOUTING FOR TROLLS

by Fi O'Mahoney, Fearless Roving Reporter

Having recently spent a good hour on a windy and wet Sunday afternoon
in Wincanton, trudging round with the rest of the team, map in hand
getting soggier and soggier, pen marks getting washed away, trying to
figure out the best position for a flag pole, several 100ft marquees,
a living history village and re-enactors camp, The Wessex Birds of
Prey Rescue marquee and perches, The Assassins Assault Course for
Beginners (there will be a disclaimer to sign for anyone fool-hardy
enough to have a go and probably a free bandage) and a myriad of
other marquees that will house entertainers. I can assure you that to
call the venue of The Jamboree 'a field', is a little like saying The
Dead Sea is a bit salty.

The place is HUGE!! If you don't believe me come and see:

www.discworldjamboree.com


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

20) IAN STEWART: LEARNING FROM THE MASTER

A fascinating interview with the Science of Discworld co-author:

http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/scienceandnature/story/0,,
2105540,00.html?gusrc=rss&feed=10

or http://tinyurl.com/3a9f8t

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

21) WRITING FOR WOSSNAME: A GUIDE FOR VOLUNTEERS

Yes, this is your chance to be interactive! We've already received
some fine articles from readers for this month's issue (see below),
and welcome any printable contributions from the rest of you. Here
be a submissions guide.

CONTENT: anything Pratchett-y or Discworld-y, really. News and
reviews of Discworld plays, amateur or professional; your own real-
life experiences of Discworld-like things; stories of how you first
discovered the Works of the Master; any reports on Discworld
conventions - we often have "official" convention reporters, but love
additional views and news - or Discworld-themed parties; funny
anagrams of Discworld characters' names, doggerel about same, ideas
for quizzes, odd anecdotes...use your imagination! We do not,
however, accept pictures of humorous vegetables.

SIZE: pieces of 250-500 words are much appreciated, but essays and
articles can run longer.

DUE DATE: Due date is...well, whenever you want it to be, but
generally before the 21st of the month if it's something that needs
to appear in that month's issue.

Send submissions to: interact@... - and it helps if you
start your subject line with DISCWORLD so the spam filter doesn't
misfile it.

And a big thank-you to everyone who's contributed so far!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

22) THE WEIRD ALICE CLACKS LOG

POST 4. DOWN THAT LAZY RIVER

First Clog: "Rolling on the River...not"

Well, here we are on the Vieux (masc.) River! The River of Romance.
The lazy, winding river of genteel steamboat travel and long, cool
Mint Juleps and old-fashioned courtliness and hazy semi-tropical
afternoons and quaint regional cookery and all that. Except it's
not quite as lazy and genteel and stress-free as it's cracked up to
be...

Of course we broke down. You were expecting anything else? I've been
getting to the point where I'm not sure if constant breakdowns are a
natural part of the traveller's landscape or if I'm under some sort
of Alice-specific geas; whichever it is, we didn't get far, after we
transferred (at the joining of the Blut and the Vieux) from our Zoon
barge to the famous Delta Princess, before the paddles started to
come adrift from the paddlewheels (the captain assured us that this
was almost unheard-of). And then, another half-day's travel
downriver, the boiler stopped boiling (the captain assured us that
this was heard-of, but never on the same run as loose paddles). It
was a stroke of luck that we have a student Technomancer in our
travelling party -- Cert did some hydrothermal spells while Mr Num
took the opportunity (and captive audience) to distribute some of
his dour dire Omnian tracts to the passengers and I provided the
entertainment. I sang We're All Going on a River Holiday and We
Aren't Sailing and Silence in the Stream and other songs about
rivers and breakdowns and breakdowns on rivers. I'm getting good at
this!

Before I forget -- I promised I'd write down the tale of DownTown
and the kinky boots and what happened to Elena, so here goes, in no
particular order... all the time I'd been thinking Elena was some
sort of, you know, Bad Girl, a spoilt rich Werewolf brat who'd
offended a family member or even committed some dreadful breach of
etiquette [they take these things seriously in Uberwald], but it
turns out she was something far worse: a social reformer! Eek! A
Doer of Good! Specifically in her case, an activist for population
control, oh dearie me. Remember the Sonky protests some years back
in A-M? When the Gifts from the Gods cult kicked up a violent stink
about Sonky's "unnatural" Hygienic Protectives and burnt one of his
factories [ and "stink" was literal, considering what burnt rubber
smells like]? Well, the Uberwald Werewolf community gets at least
as upset about the S word [spay] and the N word [neuter]. But
against all legal advice and good manners Elena opened an S&N clinic
in Bonk's mean back streets and was hounded, ha, that's a good one,
hounded, and condemned as a Traitor to the Race by the more lupine-
supremacist factions -- you might say they were, wait for it, up in
legs about the issue -- and abhorred by the vampire community for
the faux pas of Upsetting the Traditional Balance of Power. But that
wasn't the worst of it: some villagers decided, as a stag night
prank, to drug the bridegroom and drag him off at Elena's clinic,
and this was during a new moon, and yes, you know exactly where this
is going, don't you. When the ugly [and non-fruitful] truth came
out, the We R Igors public relief fund -- yes, there's an L in that
P word, which is a shame when it comes to potential for rusticated
humour -- offered to, um, replace what was taken... but due to a
clerical error, the replacements turned out to have a certain
lycanthropic quality to them, and when the somewhat mollicated [up
to then] bride gave birth to a healthy litter of pups, Elena had to
head for the hills, which is to say for *other* hills. And when the
various mobs caught up with us, she had to leave again in rather a
bigger hurry. We last saw her all furred on all fours, a charmingly
lithe silhouette by flaming torchlight, pulling ahead of her
pursuers while we hastily explained to the rest of said various mobs
that no, we were barely acquainted and didn't even have infertile
pets. I wish her gods-speed.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 9.
If you did not get all  parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 4 OF 9 (continued)
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====Part 4 - WEIRD ALICE - Section 2

24) WEIRD ALICE CLACKS LOG, CONTINUED

As for DownTown, perhaps it's best to pull a veil of discreet
silence over the goings-on down there. But you know I won't, so...
it's amazing how fast word travels underground on the underground
Underground, and word of my triumphant gig at the mine propping
convention in Burnt Hedge had travelled ahead of us so quickly that
everywhere I went in DownTown I saw lots of leather mining coats
with WHO THE HA'AK IS ALICE? lettered on the back in rivets. And so
many autograph seekers! [I was careful about what I wrote for them,
since Dwarfs are a very touchy race when it comes to written words.]
And I had to sing Copperhead Lode so many times that I lost my voice
even with all the lubricating beer. And after a few days of this, I
got taken -- with a lot of whispering -- to Madame Metalbottom's.
Which is a Dwarf pole-dancing club, in a darker than usual corner of
a back alley in DownTown, run by some ex-pat A-M Dwarfs who've
returned to the Low Country. Dwarf pole-dancing -- how radical can
you get? -- is not for the faint of heart. Especially the bit about
what they do with the axes. I was treated to the gyrations and
clankings of Ratonna Stycke, Anthracite Dynamite, Avalanche
Thundergust, and the star performer, Ketchhhup. It was all a bit
unnerving, with the possibility of being raided by the Low King's
Kruk Squad at any moment, but afterwards the, um, girls took me to
Lars Ironsoles, Bootmaker to the Unsuitably Fashionable, and hey, I
got my kinky Dwarf boots! At a discount! So I'm not complaining.
And that's everything brought up to date.

Meanwhile, back on the river, we had breakdowns near Gummy, and
after Little Respite, and then at Risen Dam we somehow got stuck on
our moorings or possibly belayed by our anchor. I was ruining out
of songs so I went to the gaming room with hopeful heart for a few
rounds of Cripple Mr Onion, but no joy... in recent years, I was
told, no card players will have any dealings with any woman who
wears a lot of black --- which I do -- or appears to be indisputably
over twenty-one -- which I am -- but no-one would say why, although
they did seem strangely relieved when I said that I didn't own a
pointy hat... somewhere after the river port of Dry Rot, everything
finally settled in and we started making good time until the river
broke down.

That's right. The river. Broke down.

They call it scuddzu. It's a weed, originally imported from the
Brown Islands as an exotic houseplant, that accidentally got loose
near the Vieux (masc.) when fire destroyed a riverside mansion. It's
said that scuddzu is sentient. It's said that it has a life of its
own and that you should never fall asleep near a scuddzu patch --
just think along the lines of "nothing left but a pair of empty
boots with eldritch smoke drifting out of them". It's even said that
the fire that set it free couldn't possibly have been set by any
*human* agency. All I know, though, is that we rounded a bend and
there it was, a gently heaving mat of green stuff blocking the river
from bank to bank! And when the boatmen started pushing it aside
with bargepoles, the green stuff heaved up gloopily [and smellily]
and swallowed the sticks, and one boatman, poor chap, and then began
oozing up the sides of the Princess. At this point Cert was already
running to get his advanced spell book and Mr Num was calling down
curses from Om with rather more emotion than his usual denouncements
and then Miss Curtsey got a funny gleam in her eyes and got this
tiny phial out of her knitting bag, and then things got a bit
confusing and there was a lot of octarine smoke and glooping noises.
When the smoke cleared, the river was unblocked and each bank was
decorated with the biggest pile of sauteed spinach I've ever seen in
my life. Mr Num droned a prayer of something, possibly thanks but
more likely complaints that more sinners weren't smited, to Om, and
Cert looked oblong at Miss Curtsey and Miss Curtsey winked and said,
"It pays for a lady to be prepared when she's travelling alone." She
also finally told me her first name, which is Listeria. I'm liking
her more and more as this journey goes on. But I'm still not having
tea in her cabin...

Next stop Circadia. here endeth this post.

* * *

Second clog: "The 102nd thing to do with a dead hedgehog, or
'I never knew a cocktail shaker had so much life in it!'"

Mrs Gogol taught me how to make zombies! And her zombie bartenders
taught me how to mix Zombies!

We finally made it as far as Circadia, a province just on the upper
outskirts of Genua. More like on the upper petticoats, because
Circadia is swamp country and the entire province is stretched out
across the vast estuarial marshes of the Vieux -- a network of
little islets of damp land, each dotted with mangroves and
surrounded by brackish water, which I'm told looks from the air
like a huge swath of frothy lace. Well, frothy lace in desperate
need of a wash, but that doesn't sound as romantic. There are no
carts as such in Circadia, only dinghies and rafts and punts and
rowboats and canoes and the occasional barge small enough to make
its way through the narrow root-choked watercourses. Native children
learn to swim before they can walk. Natural selection has also
provided the natives with a perfect sense of direction; this is a
good thing, because when you're living in a country where moss grows
enthusiastically on everything, you can't rely on the sides of trees
to tell which way is Hubwards. And natural selection has also given
the inhabitants of the remoter parts of Circadia -- who are known as
Circajuns, by the way -- a curious herrydeterry trait: by day they
are perfectly normal overly-inbred swamp dwellers, but as soon as
the sun sets they become genetically Undead. You know, werewolves,
vampires, ghouls, bogeymen, revenants, shades, general monsters --
and zombies [although not so much with the zombies, because they're
a bit of a special case -- as I found out! There are only two ways
to successfully make a zombie, and both involve either a hatred of
being alive or an indomitable will to go on living, and both of
these are things that require already having lived for a number of
years to develop]. This means that an adventure holiday in Circadia
can be more adventurous than the brochures tend to advertise. It
also means that, along with the usual jungle clothing, mosquito
repellent and water wings, tourists doing Circadia have to remember
to bring silver, garlic, fluffy blue blankets, assorted religious
symbols, a potato on a lanyard, Ionian incense, holy water,unholy
water, small ceremonial crocodiles and any other mystical, folk-
legendary or otherwise protective bits and bobs they can think of.
Of course, having come from the Uberwald leg of my travels, I was
well prepared, so I've had an excellent time wandering around the
swamps with Listeria while the others carried on to Genua proper.

Now, about making zombies -- damn, Gimpy says he's running out of
ink and the local Clacks tower sank in a patch of quicksand
yesterday so it's shortmouth again -- met Mrs Ggl, famous Voodoo
witch & Mum of crrnt Baroness Ella Sat, gd wmn w/gumbo, v. nice,
big on hats, makes Zmb's as hobby, hd copy of 101MTtDw/aDHh, askd me
2 sgn it 2 Erzulie & Baron. ReciP 4 Zmb's is abt certn fsh livr &
certn roots & u mx at mdnght in grvyrd & bggr bggr argh outta ink

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 4, continued on Part 5 of 9.
If you did not get all  parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 5 OF 9 (continued)
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====Part 5 - WEIRD ALICE, FURTHER CLACKS LOG

25) MORE WEIRD ALICE
26) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

Second clog, cont.

Actually, I'm in Genua now. We hitched a lift with a Circajun rum
runner and sang traditional Circajun swamp songs all the way. Miss
Curts-, erm, Listeria has quite a good voice -- we're thinking of
starting a band when my Grand Sneer is over, haven't sorted out the
details yet but as I've been thinking of moving to A-M and that's
where she's going to be for a while, there are plenty of
possibilities. Also, she knows all the officials in the Seamstresses
Guild [somehow, I'm no longer surprised], so when I get there I'll
have a free place to stay until I get settled in. Brilliant!

Genua is absolutely amazing these days, and I have so much to say
about it, but first I want to get back to Mrs Gogol and the whole
making zombies thing. As I was saying before the ink ran out, I got
to meet her -- she has a shack that wanders around the lower reaches
of Circadia -- and discovered that she's something of a fan of mine.
Maybe fan is too strong a word for a powerful Witch like Mrs Gogol,
but she certainly ladled out the gumbo like an old friend and she
has a copy of 101 More Things to Do with a Dead hedgehog which she
asked me to sign. It seems that in the New New Genua [newer than
ever since the rebuilding after the Krullian Fish Flood of two years
ago], with its rollicking and abundant nightlife and cafe culture,
zombie bartenders are very much in demand, and Mrs G is the primary
supplier of high-quality Undead bar staff. We got to talking about
the reliability of well-trained zombies and about public service
industries in general, and after a few good hours and a number of
bottles of rum and most of the last of my emergency travelling
supply of aged Lost Wages scumble she told me the secrets of zombie
making because they also make great roadies... and no, I've not the
least intention of sharing the secrets with the world, ha ha. She
also told me where to find the best bars and nightclubs and
restaurants [although I couldn't believe any restaurant could make
gumbo as good as hers, though she tells me that the Palace cooks
are pretty close] and gave me a sort of letter of introduction for
the Baroness. Actually, it was a trained announcing crow, but down
here that's pretty much the same thing. Genua has changed beyond all
recognition in recent years: all the fairy-tale shiny-white clean
sterile stuff that marked the reign of Evil Lilith is gone now, and
like the Circadian swamp draping everything in moss if it stands
still for enough hours, the natural laissez-faire-ness of Old Genua
has crept back in and covered the city with a picturesque icing of
sensual and stylishly cheerful decay. There are buskers on every
corner, the whole city seems to be open all hours, and the new
Seamstresses' Guild branch is the largest and most powerful on the
Disc [after A-M and HungHung, of course]. And there is rum. So much
rum. So very, very much rum.

I've already been given a handful of bookings for gigs while I'm
here, including one at the Disc-famous House of Booze and one at
Puttin' On the Grits. So my song of the moment is an appropriate
one for the time and place again:

ZOMBIE BARMAN TRADE

Hey mister, dead mister, dead mister, dread mister
Hey mister, dead mister, dead mister, dread...

I met Zombie lad in a Genuan bar
Struttin' his stuff after dark
He said, Hello, hey, yo, you want fish liver and roots?

Getchyer, getchyer Zombie bar tab
Getchyer, getchyer bar tab here
Got a lotta macho Houngans
Green and oozy Zombie lad

Loony Voodoo shades in the bars -- bizarre!
Loony Voodoo shades in the bars...

I sat in the lounge bar while he frothed my cup
I drank all that black herbal wine
From the backwater creeks, brewed with Circajun mystique, yeah

Getchyer, getchyer herbal cocktail
Getchyer, getchyer health drink here
Vino frappacino gaga
Gogol's crazy Zombie lads

Loony Voodoo shades in the bars -- bizarre!
Loony Voodoo shades in the bars...

Crust on his skin feels like funky goo
Colour of compost and clay
Hey, that salvaged suicide
Leads a fuller life
Than a corpse, corpse, corpse

Now he's dead cold, workin' every night
Livin' the great afterlife
But still he longs for some peace
Permanent sleep:
Snore, snore, snore

Loony Voodoo shades in the bars -- bizarre!
Loony Voodoo shades in the bars
Loony Voodoo shades in the bars -- bizarre!
"Tea 'au lait', me Zombie lad!"

Well, that's all I have time for now. It's Fat Tuesday soon, and
the whole city is gearing up for the best celebration of the Century
of the Anchovy, so Listeria and I have some rehearsing to do. My
next stop, if we can ever be moved to leave here, is either Brindisi
or Krull, depending on who's going when we want to. Everything here
is very laid back. It's the rum.

-- Alice.


Note for Roundworlders (with apologies to Patti Labelle): lyrics for
Lady Marmalade, the original song, can be found at
http://artists.letssingit.com/moulin-rouge-lady-marmalade-m98c9dp


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

26) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE



by Lady Anaemia Asterisk


MAGICK OF THE STARS

... or perhaps, I should say, the stars of magick. This month, my
dear Astropossums, I've procured the assistance of some vary special
Guest Astrologers. In fact, not so much "assistance" as "they hustled
me out of my orrery and insisted on doing the whole star-crossed
Horoscopes themselves". Mind you, it's good to give my sextants a
little break now and again! And, since most of our Guest Astrologers
are far more at home with Omniscopes than Horoscopes, I think I can
promise that the results will be entertaining. So I shall stand well
back out of spell-casting range and proudly present those wonderful
wizards of, um, wizardry, as they tell you what's in your stars for
the next month...



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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 5, continued on Part 6 of 9.
If you did not get all six parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 6 OF 9 (continued)
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====Part 6 - HOROSCOPE - MAR->JUN

27) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE



The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr



GUEST ASTROLOGER:
Mustrum Ridcully, Archancellor, Unseen University

Well now, it looks like I'm the one to start off with this star-
prediction business, and so I should, being Archancellor. Never mind
that I've never had much of an interest in the damn' things; in my
opinion, they're more the province of my brother Hughnon, since he
deals with the gods-bothering and celestial thingumbobs -- can't see
the point of 'em myself, they don't make good eatin' and they're
too far away to hit with a crossbow bolt. But young Stibbons has
given me one of them astrolabial thingies and showed me how to cast
horoscopes. Wouldn't let me near that Thinking Engine of his, oh no
-- says he needed it for *his* casting. Pretty inconsiderate of him,
considering the size of the stipend we give his Technomancers for
ink, teddy bears and pizza. Anyway, the old-fashioned ways are best,
I always say. Let's see... this month, the star charts say here, you
should avoid Distressed Pudding and eels, do less shouting than usual
-- that sounds wrong, "can't ever have too much shouting" is my motto
-- always take the widdershins turn at unfamiliar crossroads, be
especially kind to subordinates -- hang on, that doesn't sound right
at all -- beware of the colour yellow in bathrooms, especially on
Mondays -- deuced specific, these stars -- and double your regular
sacrifices to the dog of your choice. Wait, I read that last one
upside down... no, it still says 'dog' the other way around. Damned
odd. Must have a word with Hughnon about that. Oh, and if you were
born on the 3rd, 7th, 13th or 20th of the month, stick a chicken in
your nose at new moon. I'm not completely certain about that last
one, those calculations where taking rather a lot of time and I was
late for shooting, so I tried combining Megrim's Accelerator and
Pelepel's Temporal Compressor on them, and the astrolabium melted.



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May



GUEST ASTROLOGER:

Big Mad Adrian Turnipseed, UU Department of High Energy Magic

Well isn't this a turn-up! I actually get my go ahead of Stibbons.
Mind you, just because he's Head of Department means he always gets
to bloody hog the bloody Thinking Engine, so no doubt all *his*
astral calculations will be bang on the money. As if he was the only
one that ever fed the mice and the ants and the bees -- and can I
just take this opportunity to mention that it's *my* bloody FTB that
keeps HEX running? *And* my ram's skull! But no, to watch him in
action you'd think he invented every widget and add-on and plug-in
himself. Oh, and of course he gets to go off on all those adventures,
and represent the Department at all those posh civic banquets -- I
bet they put bloody lobster on the pizzas at those, none of the
catfish sushi we have to make do with on ours. Huh, I remember when
we were all noobs together, he was no better than the rest of us.
Well, okay, he was usually the one off in the corner doing the actual
studying while the rest of us played Barbarian Invaders, but ...
what? What? Oh, the horoscope. According to my astral calculations,
which I had to do on a greasy serviette from Harga's I'll have you
know, you're going to have a bloody miserable month. As a matter of
fact, your bloody constellation is going to crash into the House of
Hoose -- because the gods have been using Gahoolie in a game of table
football again -- and totally ruin your day for the next four weeks.
Might as well stay in bed all month. Hmmm... maybe this spot here is
just a grease stain and not the Cue of Blind Io, in which case you'll
have a wonderful month. Oh well, that's the sort of thing that
happens when your Department Head uses all the uptime on HEX. Bloody
typical.



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun



GUEST ASTROLOGER:

Igneous Cutwell, Wizard First Grade (UU)

It Is Written. It is written in the heavens. And I, as Royal
Recogniser of Her Extremely Royal Majesty Queen Kelirehenna I of Sto
Lat, Master of the Queen's Bedchamber, Ipississimuss Diviner of
Mysteries and Premier Calculator of the Horoscope Royal, do pronounce
-- oh, bother that, it takes too much time to pronounce! And too much
saliva. Let's just say that all this astral business *is* written in
the heavens, and what the heavens say is that this is a good month
for nits. Sorry, *knits*. We haven't had nits here since, oh, since
the Coronation. Get your needles out this month, and you'll be amazed
at how those scarves and bootees and woolly jumpers just flow
effortlessly out of your hands. In fact, it's a good month for all
handicrafts. Scrapbook those iconographs! Bead those chokers! Your
friends will be amazed at all the clever things you can do with
toilet roll centres, sticky-tape and a wodge of tinsel.

This is the month to finally make those hooked rugs for the scullery,
and inspirations for humorous decoupage greeting cards will fall into
your head like shooting stars. It's almost as if someone's opened a
tin of fresh, bright reality just for you! The stars also favour
music from the 11th to the 22nd, so you'll shine at choir practice
and sing-songs down the pub. Planetary imbalances mean that you might
be susceptible to ailments of the lower body at mid-month, so be sure
to stack up on salves and philtres from your local practitioner of
magick. The 14th is a good time to experiment with a new hairstyle;
why not use your newfound brilliance at crafts and crochet some
Howondaland dreadlocks? Social opportunities, especially for social
improvement, will present themselves in the third week -- do try to
use these to advantage by gatecrashing royal or high-society
shindigs -- but as this overlaps your period of propensity to
illness, don't forget to bring the salve. Trust me, you don't want
to spend the evening in the privy! Beware of elephants and young men
carrying scythes. And remember, like I said, It Is Written.


ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 6, continued on Part 7 of 9.
If you did not get all  parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 7 OF 9 (continued)
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====Part 7 - HOROSCOPE - continued

28) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE - JUN->OCT

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul



GUEST ASTROLOGER:
Ponder Stibbons, Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic, UU

Traditional astrology? That is *so* Century of the Fruitbat! Not that
there's any doubt about the stars influencing our lives and destinies
-- hey, it was astral alignment that accounted for me getting the
easiest final exam in UU history, not counting the famous Elementary
Necromancy exam in 1602 when the corpse sat up and said "I ain't
dead yet, you buggers!!!" -- but all this cludging about with
orreries and astrolabia and handwritten calculations of
constellationary positions is absurd when one can get one's Thinking
Engine to do all the time-consuming messy work. And anyway, half of
traditional astrology is about the astrologer's own interpretations
and the other half is about making stuff up. So I'm going for the
win with what will be the only ineffably precise and correct
predictions in this month's Horoscope, and the rest of you Guest
Astrologers will be totally pwned. Over to you, HEX:

1st: rain of frogs; carry umbrella
2nd: good day for gardening; plant at dawn, second breakfast or
teatime
3rd: accosted by tall, dark Brindisian thief; pay up Thieves' Guild
vouchers in advance
4th: bad sausage inna bun; carry bucket
5th: Clacks scam offers holiday in Agatea; do not accept
6th: reign of Ogg; stay indoors and accept no frothing beverages
[made of mostly apples] from old ladies
7th: close encounter with mountain of mashed potato in Klatch
7+1th: plague of pineapples; stand on head
9th: romance beckons; carry bath
10th: day for dark rituals; do not meddle in the affairs of wizards
11th: Opera House follows you home; carry earplugs and hatstand
12th: declination of Androgyna favours financial decisions; sell
house and invest in weasel farm
13th: total reversal of Disc's magical field; turn twice
widdershins hourly and sing Hedgehog song
14th: aroogah aroogah frog custard whoops Mr Jelly!
15th: +++ OUT OF CHEESE ERROR +++


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug



GUEST ASTROLOGER:
Alberto Malich, Head of All Wizardry, Archancellor of UU When it
Actually Meant Something, Hah!

Ah, the existential wossnames of the influence of the heavens on the
lives of you unfortunate full-time mortals. Brings a tear to me eye,
it does, to see all your desperate hopes and fears and the way you
put so much into "planning for the future". Believe me, I've seen
your futures and they're sand all the way to the bottom. O'course,
when you've got 29 seconds of mortal existence left in your
lifetimer, planning for the future gets *really* important. I used
to sneak a few grains of mundanes' sand every now and again, but the
Master caught me at it and didn't half give me a telling off. It
seems that mixing up all sorts of other peoples' destinies and
stellar and planetary influences plays merry hells with the
continuiniunuum of the multiverse and could rip a hole in what the
UU kids of today call the rubber sheet o' reality. Speaking of my
old alma pater, back when I was founding the University you could
hardly turn around without tripping over astrologers -- time was
when it was almost as popular as alchemy, and a blessed sight less
messy and dangerous. No-one would even *think* of casting a major
spell without casting their horoscope first. But things tend to
change after a millennium or two, and now it's all about Feng
Shooey and technomancy and as far as I know the only use old
Ridcully had for the stars is triangulatin' on 'em for target
practice.

Still, if you really do think your immediate future's worth planning
for you should know that your stars favour new enterprise on the
first and second Octedays of the month. And that you'll come into
some unexpected money on the 13th, but Chryoprase will want it back
on the 14th. Same thing for romance, pretty much, so don't splash
out on any engagement rings. Oh, and' it'll be a good idea steel
yourself against a near-Death experience on the 27th, but you didn't
hear me say that. That's all I've got time for now -- some of us
have porridge to fry.



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept


GUEST ASTROLOGER:
Dr H Dinwiddie, Bursar of UU

What ho! Or perhaps that's what ho-ho-horoscope! Yes, the medication
and meditation and mediation are working nicely of late, with the
only side effects being a tendency to inappropriate jollity and
another tendency to float about neat ceilings when I'm concentrating
too hard or not hard enough, so my fellow Faculty members have voted
to allow me the excitement of sharp pencils and set me to cast a
Horoscope for the Sign of Mubbo. That's a very portentous-sounding
phrase, don't you think? "The Sign of Mubbo"? Definitely sounds
mysterious and filled with portents.

Persons born under the Sign of Mubbo are known as Mubboons, and that
rhymes nicely with spoons, balloons, baboons, runes, raccoons, goons,
moons, prunes, poltroons, cartoons, buffoons and, for that matter,
boons, which means that quite a lot of doggerel and Tin Lid Alley
music-hall songs get written about them. Who doesn't remember the
modern classic 'I'll Marry my Mubboon in Grune", as sung by Slugg
and Angelina? A portentous and poetic Sign tends to attract prophets
and poets -- heh, poets, hee hee! -- and by coincidence this is a
good month to practice prophecy and poetry, especially prophetic
poetry. And pottery. Not to mention piety, parody, puppetry,
parquetry, persiflage, and the preparation of partridge in parsley.
Oh my, I feel quite giddy after thinking that! On the subject of the
letter P, Mubboons whose names begin with this letter and who pray
purposefully. or even porpoisely, to Patina and Petulia have reason
to expect good results. A curious squiggle on the cusp of the Small
Boring Group of Faint Stars indicates good fortune and pleasant
outcomes when contacting rarely-visited relatives. Then again, I
should imagine they're rarely visited for good reason, so perhaps
you should just ignore that giddy oh my giddy pencil sharp ceiling
wahoonie custard embrasure whoops! Dive Dive! Pass the winkles,
there's a good lass.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct



GUEST ASTROLOGER:
Double UU Professor Devious H Collabone

Er. Um. I... er. As the Century of the Anchovy's first tenured
Professor of Transoceanic Thaumaturgical Studies, I have to admit
that I've never known much about the stars; in truth, I spend far
more time staring down at the bottoms of lagoons than up at the
heavens. In fact, I rather agree with the Archancellor's general
views about the irrelevance of stars, although I believe he puts it
more like "them pesky twinkly sky things that're always hangin'
back out of crossbow range". However, um, I've observed several
species of Widdershins Rock Lobsters which only mate under the light
of certain constellations, so there must be something to this
astrology business. Let's see... the second week of the month is a
good time to encourage shell growth. Be sure to check the health of
your digging foot during the first three days of the crescent moon.
If you were born with your primary planet on the cusp of Hoki, the
18th and 21st will be good times for mating rituals, Beware of
undertow on the 9th. Did you know that the Senior Faculty awarded me
a lifetime supply of breath-mints with my Chair? Very kind of them
I'm sure, but silly, really -- it isn't as if I can even smell
crustaceans' breath underwater. Um. Excuse me, I must go check my
barnacles.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 7, continued on Part 8 of 9.
If you did not get all  parts, write: interact@...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 8 OF 9 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 8 - HOROSCOPE - continued

29) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE - 0CT->FEB

Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

GUEST ASTROLOGER:
Bill Rincewind, Archancellor, Bugarup University, Continent of XXXX

G'day mates and sheilas, it's a pleasure to have been asked to write
this horoscope thing. I haven't been this bloody excited since the
EcksEcksEcksEcks national football team beat the All Blues from the
Land Of Fog. It's like having a year's worth of Didjabringabeeralong
Cup Days all at once, only with fewer horses. And even more beer.

As Archancellor of the best bloody university bar none, people
sometimes come to me asking for advice about the future. I say to
them, no worries mate, she'll be right. There are few problems that
can't be solved with a beer and a wizard's staff. For all you
civilians who aren't wizards, you poor bastards, you need all the
help you can get, and that's where the stars come into it. A good
horoscope can make all the difference between life serving you up a
nice drop of Rusted Dunny Valley Semillon (Year of the Drongo was a
particularly good vintage), or something like Dave-o Mate's Death
Adder Wine ("The Piss With The Hiss").

For those born under the sign of Androgyna Majestis, this is a good
month to practise those show tunes, but then for "Andies" every
month is a good month for show tunes, heh heh heh. Not that there's
anything wrong with blokes wearing stiletto heels and singing
Prancing Dame. It's also a bloody good month for sheep-shearing and
famous last stands outside the Post Office. But the stars aren't so
kind this month to pastry chefs and horse-breeders, that is to say,
people who breed horses, ha ha. Lock the stable door before the
horse ends up in one of Fair Go Dibbler's famous meat pie floaters.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

GUEST ASTROLOGER:
Coin, unaffiliated Sourcerer

I wasn't very impressed with the configuration of your stars for this
month, so I changed them -- oh, you want me to cast your horoscope?
Hmmm. I suppose I've had enough transcendental spirituality for the
day. Let me see... apparently you've hit a perfect month for forming
lasting relationships. I've no idea what those are. Also, you'll have
excellent luck when shopping for bargains, but I've no idea what
"shopping" and "bargains" are either. I *do* know what "luck" is; I
prefer to make my own, which tends to annoy the Lady, but what's she
going to do about it?

The first Thursday of the month is a good time for a flutter on the
horses. I met a horse once, but I don't think it fluttered... hold
on... no, I just made a horse and gave it wings, but it didn't
flutter, it just fell out of the air and splashed. So I suppose I've
no idea about that one too. Where was I? Oh, it says here that your
family will astonish you on the 11th with a shocking demand, no, no
idea what a "family" is, but I seem to remember I used to go around
making a rather lot of demands. Do you know, the past all seems a bit
hazy to me, I think there was something to do with a staff and a half
-brick and a sock, and quite possibly melons... hold on... mmm, I
just made a melon and it's rather nice. Beware long-distance haulage
carts, whatever they are, and delay all decisions about higher
education until the moon is gibbous, or until you moon a gibbon --
it's all terribly strange to me. I think I'll go change the stars
again and see if I like them better . And make stronger wings for my
next horse.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

GUEST ASTROLOGER:
The Librarian of Unseen University

Ook ook ook eek ook eeeeek! Ook [grunt] ook ook eek!

[Original text is a series of ooks interspersed with eeks, grunts
and hand motions indicating that there's more to life -- and payment
-- than banananananas. Translation is as follows... we think]

Primordial forces moving in the pages of the heavens are bring
changes to the influence of Hoki. When the left foreleg of T'Phon is
raised across the ecliptic of the Boule Flambee system, signs are
auspicious for the safe restoration of ancient tomes in ancient
tomes. The fourth Octeday of the month favours the acquisition of
excellent quality foolscap and binding materials. Do not eat library
paste during the waning moon, as it will make you sick. The 6th,
7+1th and 26th are good times to take advantage of a chance meeting
in the stacks of your local library. Bookshop owners and
bibliophiles will want to take especial care of first editions and
rare galley proofs on the 20th, when a small comet passing through
Hoki will bring malign vibrations.

The second week of the month is a good time for book sales. Oil your
encyclopaedia covers on the 18th. The influence of Hoki on the book-
aware is strongest at mid-month, so do not fail to return any
borrowed books before the Ides, especially if you're a first-year
student at Unseen University. Now pass me that bowl of nuts and
leave me alone -- the grimoires are getting restless.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

GUEST ASTROLOGER:
Windle Poons, deceased.

Funny thing, Life. I thought I'd had a good long run, and that I had
a good long run of being not alive or apparently undead, and then I
thought I could finally get some permanent rest, but it seems that
being a zombie is something that's hard to get rid of, like verrucas
or unwanted houseguests. Of course, being dead for some while before
being undead again gives one a certain sense of perspective. A rather
unusual sense of perspective, what with all the conversations with
earthworms [they don't answer, but you have to talk to somebody or
go mad] and what with Death occasionally popping up and saying WHAT,
YOU AGAIN?, but because I could think clearly without all those
confusing glands and hormones in the way, I've spent a lot of time
contemplating the stars. Lovely things, stars. My education tells me
they're just huge monstrous flaming balls of gas, but they do look
lovely, expecially when you have eyes like gimlets that can gaze
through six feet of dirt, and considerate gravediggers who place you
with them focussing conveniently upwards.

So how can these lovely, distant, twinkling things possibly influence
the daily lives of the living? Well, being hit by a huge flaming ball
of gas will certainly be influential [or, for that matter, being hit
by waves of non-flaming *other* sorts of gases; believe me, the less
public level of a graveyard is no place for sensitive noses], but
more importantly, every astral body has sort of pulling quality that
sort of pulls on every other thing in the universe. And when you have
things that pull on things that can be noticeably pulled on, such as
bodily fluids, you get tides. Tides. You may think you're a tightly-
wound ball of everyday stresses, but what you actually are is a
raging miniature ocean, although usually with fewer whales, but full
of neap tides, ebb tides, storm tides, tidal bores, tidal waves,
standing waves, soliton waves, rogue waves, ship-eating whirlpools,
huge deep currents and the occasional hurricane thrown in for special
effects value. The best you can do is locate your own safe harbours
and tropical calms. So the next time you contemplate the influence
of the stars, remember that: tides. And your tide table for the month
indicates that you should do a lot of staying at anchor, I mean in
bed, and watch out for gas.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 8, continued on Part 9 of 9.
If you did not get all 9 parts, write: interact@...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 9 OF 9 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 9 - HOROSCOPE - the end!

30) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE - FEB->MAR

Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

GUEST ASTROLOGER:
Simon, boy genius and specialist Technomancer (UU interdimensional)

For thousands of years, mankind has wondered how the stars affect us.
But has anybody considered whether we affect the stars? Oh, from
time to time a particularly energetic wizard or careless sourcerer
pulls a star down from the sky, but in fact even the rudest, most
non-magical person has a reciprocal affect on the stars: As Below,
So Above. The proof is obvious, so I shall only sketch it here.

Given Knuttt's Enormous Theorem, we can assume without loss of
generality that curl(δx|δy) is first order isomorphic to Ψ(λ) and
hence use Crowley's Interchangeable Lemma to prove that {Î",χ} is
positive homogeneous, and therefore that the tensor product of Ω and
Langdon's delta is strongly chromatic. That naturally implies that
epsilon prime is malicious, in the thaumatic sense, and hence by way
of contradiction we can prove that δQ must be strong (modulo π)
and its octo-derivative is irreducible. Hence it is a simple matter
to derive δy{Q++} = [-j,i,χ^^y] from Ogg's Incontinence Theorem,
giving us As Below, So Above. Q.E.D.

The consequences of this simple little proof are as astounding as the
proof was trivial. We're well accustomed to seeing the life and death
of the great princes (by which I include kings, emperors and wizards)
reflected in the stars. Is it not said that the fall of a star means
that a great king has died? But now that we can see that the lives
of even the meanest beggars are also reflected in the stars. So for
the milk-maids and labourers and cobblers out there, no star will
fall from the heavens if they have a bad day, but we can be sure
that the stars will not remain untouched by their passing.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

31) AND IT'S GOODBYE FOR ANOTHER MONTH

Huzzah! You made it all the way through the biggest WOSSNAME issue
ever! Now give yourselves a cookie.

Believe it or not, I had to leave quite a few items out this time --
but rest assured that everyone who sent me bits and bobs will get
published in the July issue. See you next month!

-- Annie Mac.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 9.
If you did not get all 9 parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
July 2007 (Volume 10, Issue 7)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor:  T.F. (Tiff) Peasey
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn, Paul Blake, Steven D'Aprano
Convention Reporter: Mithtrethth Hania Ogg
Staff  Technomancer: Jason Parlevliet
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: in hiding
Bard in Residence: Weird Alice Lancrevic
DW Horoscope: Lady Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet, Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1 -- ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS

1) QUOTE OF THE MONTH
2) LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
3) PTERRY NEWS IN PUBLISHING
4) MAKING MONEY ON THE STAGE!

====Part 2 -- MORE NEWS

5) DISCWORLD JAMBOREE UPDATE
6) A WORLD GONE MADDE!
7) JOSH KIRBY EXHIBITION UPDATE
8) FORTHCOMING DISCWORLD BOOKS TO ORDER
9) PARTY WEAR FOR THE FASHIONABLE ASSASSIN
10) HOT POTATOES
11) SIMON'S HOROSCOPE PROOF REVISITED
12) GOOD OMENS: MAKING SCENTS

====Part 3 -- ...AND MORE...

13) PTERRY: BELOVED BY LOCUS READERS
14) THE REAL C.M.O.T. DIBBLER
15) FROM RUSSIA WITH MAMMOTHS
16) DESPATCHES FROM KLATCH
17) ELEPHANTS AROUND YOUR NECK
18) THE GOOD WEBBE GUIDE

====Part 4 -- B.U. NEWS AND WEIRD ALICE

19) BUGARUP UNIVERSITY CAMPUS NEWSROUND
20) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

====Part 5 -- WEIRD ALICE'S CLACKS LOG

21) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC, CONTINUED

====Part 6 -- MORE WEIRD ALICE

22) ...AND CONTINUED...

====Part 7 -- HOROSCOPE

23) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE, and CLOSE

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) QUOTE OF THE MONTH

"You need tragic relief. You need darkness for the light to show up.
You need a way out of the forest. A truly dark novel would be a
forest with no way out." -- Terry Pratchett, 2003

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

2) LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

MOVING PICTURES, OF A SORT

By now, you are all aware that Mob Films are producing a new live-
action film combining The Colour of Magic and The Light Fantastic,
to be aired on Sky One in 2008. Once again, Vadim Jean is at the
helm. Also, we're told that the budget this time will be double that
for Hogfather; furthermore, David Jason is heading the cast list, as
he did in Hogfather, and is acting as an executive producer for the
venture. Sir David will be playing the part of Rincewind. Other
well-known actors are signing on for parts, including David Bradley
(Hogwarts caretaker Argus Filch in the Harry Potter films) as Cohen
the Barbarian.

All told, this is good news -- the more Discworld films the merrier,
surely! -- but there are a few clouds on the fandom horizon. I've
been glancing at a number of Pratchett message boards, and the
overwhelming reaction to this news so far is a resounding "OHH NOES!
PLEASE NOT DAVID JASON AS RINCEWIND!" and the like; given that the
fan reaction to Hogfather-the-film was also quite mixed, this does
not bode well for viewership and future DVD sales among the
millions- strong Discworld demographic. That said, the purpose of
making the films is surely to bring Discworld to an even wider
audience whose perceptions of the stories and characters haven't
been coloured by the books...um, isn't it?

My own feelings about it are also somewhat mixed. I've been hanging
out for Discworld live- action films for many years now, and I'm
aware of the many difficulties faced by filmmakers when it comes to
pleasing the producers, backers, studio and such. But bringing
Discworld to the screen is trickier than, say, Lord of the Rings or
even Harry Potter because the Discworld novels have given us so many
strong -- dare I say immutable -- physical descriptions of
characters. With Tolkien, we knew that the Elves were elvish and
that the hobbits were short and had large hairy feet, but there were
few indicators as to what Aragorn or for that matter Sauron looked
like...yet we *know* that Rincewind is skinny and gangly, that Nobby
Nobbs is simian and shorter than the average dwarf, that the Dean is
enormously fat, that Carrot is tall and strapping and definitely
under thirty, and that Death is a seven-foot-tall skellington (thank
the gods for CGI there!). I'm a longtime admirer of David Jason's
stunning comedic and dramatic acting, and while his Albert wasn't
"my" Albert it was a creditable Albert, but for all Jason's talent I
can't easily imagine him as any version of Rincewind that tallies
with the Rincewind we know and love (or at least are amused by...).
But then I'm not a filmmaker, I don't have the millions required to
produce one, and I don't know that Pterry would approve of my style
of doing Discworld films if I were and did!

So let's have a big HUZZAH! for The Colour of Magic film, and here's
hoping that it's another winner for Sky and that it brings a new
horde of readers into the Discworld fold.

(Incidentally, if you've not seen pictures of the CoM set and props,
check out _http://www.paulkidby.com/news/jun2007.html_ )

-- Annie Mac, Editor

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

3) PTERRYNEWS FROM AROUND ROUNDWORLD

DATELINE GERMANY: get ready for a musical adaptation of Mort at the
Markthalle, Klosterwall 11, 20095 Hamburg. Performances will be on
the 15-17 and 27-29 December 2007 and 3-5 and 15-17 January 2008.

***

FOR AMERICAN FANS: a reminder that Pterry will be an honoured guest
at the Library of Congress-sponsored 2007 National Book Festival, on
the National Mall in Washington, D.C., between 7th and 14th streets
(come rain or shine, they say). The Festival takes place on Saturday
29th September from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. and is free and open to the
public.

Further information can be found at http://tinyurl.com/2r385d

***

PUBLISHING NEWS AROUND THE NOT-A-DISC:

The Hogfather screenplay will be published by Goldmann/Random House
in Germany and Talpress in the Czech Republic.

Witches Abroad and Small Gods have been published by Cherubion/Delta
Vision in Hungary.

Elsmo in Russia have published The Last Hero and are in the process
of reissuing the first 20 Discworld titles with new covers.

In France, Editions l'Atalante have just released The Science of
Discworld and will be publishing The Art of Discworld.

In Romania, Rao will be publishing Wyrd Sisters in autumn 2007 and
Guards! Guards! in spring 2008.

Tonleikur in Iceland will publish The Colour of Magic; Ithaki
in Turkey will publish Reaper Man, Witches Abroad and Small Gods

Also, look out for Discworld releases in Finland (Jingo in hardback
and Moving Pictures and Lords and Ladies in paperback), Turkey
(Reaper Man, Witches Abroad and Small Gods), and Iceland (The Colour
of Magic) in the near future.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

4) MOIST TREADS THE BOARDS - IN RECORD TIME!

The Studio Theatre Club in Abingdon will present the world premiere
stage adaptation of Making Money in November, within a month of the
release of the hotly-anticipated 36th Discworld novel. Dramatised by
Stephen Briggs, the production runs from 20th-24th November. Here be
the blurb:

"Moist von Lipwig is bored at the Post Office. There's no challenge
-- and  his girlfriend's off chasing pottery men. Then Lord Vetinari
offers him a job. A job with prospects, a gold hat, a dog -- and the
chance to get killed by unpleasant people. How can he resist...?"

Unicorn Theatre, Thames Street, Abingdon, OXON
20-24 November
7.30 (+ 2.30 Sat)
Tickets 8GBP

Booking information from sbriggs@...
or from the Studio Theatre website:
www.studiotheatreclub.com/CurrentPlans.html

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

5) THE MOB FILMS MOB WILL LOVE THIS ONE...

From Locus magazine, issue 78, June 2007:

Waterstone's Poll - UK bookseller Waterstone's compiled a list of
100 beloved books in honour of the chain's 25th anniversary, and
polled thousands of readers to create a ranked list of their 25
favorites. Coming in at a solid fifteenth place:

The Colour of Magic, Terry Pratchett

Kudos to Waterstone's customers for their impeccable taste!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, continued on Part 2 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2007 -- PART 2 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part  2 - MORE NEWS AND THE SUCH

5) DISCWORLD JAMBOREE UPDATE
6) A WORLD GONE MADDE!
7) JOSH KIRBY EXHIBITION UPDATE
8) FORTHCOMING DISCWORLD BOOKS TO ORDER
9) PARTY WEAR FOR THE FASHIONABLE ASSASSIN
10) HOT POTATOES
11) SIMON'S HOROSCOPE PROOF REVISITED
12) GOOD OMENS: MAKING SCENTS

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) DISCWORLD JAMBOREE UPDATE: THE PRESENCE OF THE MASTER

Pterry will be attending the Discworld Jamboree between 3-5 August
2007 in Wincanton, Somerset. A number of signing sessions have been
arranged during the event. Details can be found in the the Members
Area of the Discworld Jamboree website:

http://www.discworldjamboree.com/

Updated information will also be posted on notice boards during the
Jamboree.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

6) JAMBOREE UPDATE 2: A WORLD GONE MADDE! WITH 1,000 FERRETS!

(Well, possibly not quite that many - as fearless Fi notes in her
lead-up to the Wincanton Jamboree)

The Discworld Jamboree Wincanton Somerset 3rd-5th August 2007
by Fi, Roving Jamboree Reporter

The world is a funny old place you know, but it seems there is no
place funnier and quite frankly, downright weirder at times to be
than slap bang in the centre of Discworld fandom. Maybe I should
explain.

I bumped into an old school chum recently. It was a chance meeting;
I hadn't seen her for a while and we went for coffee and a catch-up.
She's had another baby, her and hubby are off to France with the
kids this summer and they've redecorated, blah blah blah. Then she
focused attention on me. 'What have you been up to lately?'

It was at this point that I panicked a bit; you see my raison d'etre
at that specific moment in time was to find somebody prepared to
stuff a couple of ferrets down their trousers in a humorous fashion.
So I told her and then watched the changing expressions on her face
as she tried desperately to think of a sensible reply; you could
almost see the mental cogs trying to change gear. I put her out of
her misery in the end and explained.

The Cunning Artificer in Wincanton in Somerset is hosting the first
ever Discworld Jamboree, Scouting for Trolls. We have Hodgesaargh!
the buzzard making its first appearance with Wessex Birds of Prey
Rescue, Knights of Honour re-enactors, a Gangshow, and Magic show
and of course ale. Knees will be bared, knees that probably haven't
seen the light of day in years, the first-aiders will be on hand
with smelling salts for the faint-hearted and rumour has it that
Stephen Briggs is wearing a kilt. Gods help the people in the front
row when he gets up on stage to host The Maskerade.

Anyway that's enough from me. I shall say thankee and close with the
advice to buy the July edition of SFX, the advice was from a man
that knows.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

7) JOSH KIRBY ONLINE

As part of its current exhibition of Josh Kirby's artwork (see last
month's article), the Walker Art Gallery now offers series of web
pages charting the progression of Kirby's career. Discworld readers
already familiar with his love-em-or-hate-em cover art might be
surprised to learn that he was already well-known for his work as a
science fiction and fantasy artist. Another interesting fact is that
it was at Terry Pratchett's own request that Kirby painted the cover
art for 26 Discworld novels over a period of fifteen years:
'Kirby's highly original, inventive paintings for Terry Pratchett's
novels are synonymous with the author's work, capturing the frenetic
pace of life in the Discworld. Pratchett has said: 'I only invented
the Discworld. Josh created it.' Reflecting on his enjoyment
illustrating them, Kirby described the books as "Bruegel in literary
form."'

Sources:
http://www.liverpoolmuseums.org.uk/walker/exhibitions/joshkirby/
http://pratchettnews.vox.com/library/post/terry-pratchett-news-
update-for-july-4-2007.html

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

8) NEW DISCWORLD BOOKS: GET YER PRE-ORDERS IN NOW!

For those who don't already know, the next Discworld novel is set
for release in the UK (according to amazon.co.uk) on 24th September
and in the USA (according to amazon.com) on 1st October. Here be
blurb:

"It's an offer you can't refuse. Who would not to wish to be the
man in charge of Ankh-Morpork's Royal Mint and the bank next door?
It's a job for life. But, as former con-man Moist von Lipwig is
learning, the life is not necessarily for long. The Chief Cashier is
almost certainly a vampire. There's something nameless in the cellar
(and the cellar itself is pretty nameless), it turns out that the
Royal Mint runs at a loss. A 300-year-old wizard is after his
girlfriend, he's about to be exposed as a fraud, but the Assassins
Guild might get him first. In fact lot of people want him dead. And
every day he has to take the Chairman for walkies. Everywhere he
looks he's making enemies. What he should be doing is...Making
Money!"

Editions in both countries (including the audio versions) are
available for pre-order on Amazon. Go on, you know you want to:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Making-Money-Terry-Pratchett/dp/0385611013/
ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/202-1214455-8223843

or http://tinyurl.com/33b7jv

Also coming soon: Feegles! Illustrated! Blue!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Illustrated-Wee-Free-Men/dp/0385612540/ref=
pd_sbs_b_1/026-4632618-9766849

or http://tinyurl.com/36sv42

Source: http://pratchettnews.vox.com/

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

9) WATCH THAT PARTY DRESS, IT'S A KILLER

From the website of non-fiction author Gail Bell, a little something
to warm the cockles of Lord Downey's icy heart:

"When the paste is dried and polished, the cloth dazzles like an
emerald. Fully rigged for dancing in matching gown, headdress, fan
and shoes, the young lady is carrying enough arsenic on board to
kill everyone in the room."

Bell explains: "In the Sydney Sun-Herald Books Extra section, 15th
April 2007, best-selling British author Terry Pratchett named my
first book The Poison Principle as one of 'five books that changed
me'. He singles out the story of the lady in the arsenic-laced
ballgown for special attention.

http://gail-bell.com/

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

10) FOR ADULTS AND WIZZARDS ONLY: HOT HOT POTATOES!

If only Rincewind had a Roundworld internet connection...

http://www.potatofetish.com/

(Yes, I know, this is a family newsletter. On the other hand, while
there might be such a thing as spud pornography -- no, I really do
NOT want to know if there is! -- the only people for whom this site
won't be work-safe are potato farmers and grocers who spend far too
much time in the company of vegetable beds...)

The things one finds on the anternet, eh?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

11) A NOTE FOR SIMON'S JUNE HOROSCOPE MATH-THAUM-ATICAL PROOF

The mathematically minded among you may have noticed that the guest
horoscope for Lesser Umbrage included a number of symbols for the
calculation of the month's star advice. It's been brought to my
attention that Yahoogroups emails may not have rendered these
symbols correctly -- so if you wish to see what Simon said, in plain
text, go to: http://tinyurl.com/3yswqx

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

12) SMELLS LIKE PTERRY SPIRIT

Good Omens: you loved the book, now wear the scents! Black Phoenix
Alchemy Lab is offering the Good Omens Collection -- perfumes based
on and created to suggest the qualities of characters, locations,
and concepts in this exquisite Terry Pratchett-Neil Gaiman novel.
All made with the official blessing of the authors, of course!

Perfume oil blends are $25.00 per 5ml amber apothecary glass vial
and include Agnes Nutter (gunpowder, charred wood, smoke, and rusty
nails), Aziraphale (ethereal musk, blonde woods, and dusty Bible
accord), Crowley (infernal musk, red patchouli, lilac cologne,
mahogany, lemon rind, oakmoss, leather, and vanilla husk), Shadwell
(roll-ups, mildewed raincoat, sweet tea, and condensed milk), and
War (red ginger, black spices, patchouli, honeysuckle, and three
blood-soaked red musks)

The Good Omens Collection is a non-profit venture, with all proceeds
split between the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund and the Orangutan
Foundation UK.

To order: http://blackphoenixalchemylab.com/goodomens.html

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2 -- continued on Part 3 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - JULY 2007 -- PART 3 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 3 - ...AND MORE...

13) PTERRY: BELOVED BY LOCUS READERS
14) THE REAL C.M.O.T. DIBBLER
15) FROM RUSSIA WITH MAMMOTHS
16) DESPATCHES FROM KLATCH
17) ELEPHANTS AROUND YOUR NECK
18) THE GOOD WEBBE GUIDE

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

13) THE MOB FILMS MOB WILL LOVE THIS ONE...

From Locus magazine, issue 78, June 2007:

Waterstone's Poll - UK bookseller Waterstone's compiled a list of
100 beloved books in honor of the chain's 25th anniversary, and
polled thousands of readers to create a ranked list of their 25
favorites. Coming in at a solid fifteenth place:

The Colour of Magic, Terry Pratchett

Kudos to Waterstone's customers for their impeccable taste!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

14) DISCWORLD MOVIES SPECIAL: THE REAL C.M.O.T. DIBBLER

This month, in honour of the filming of The Colour of Magic/The
Light Fantastic, we'll take a look at the real Roundworld figures
whose lives and careers no doubt inspired Pterry when he was writing
the character of Holy Wood-possessed C.M.O.T. Dibbler in Moving
Pictures: the old-time filmmaking giants Sam Goldwyn and Cecil B.
DeMille, not forgetting a passing nod to Busby Berkeley.

Goldwyn was a famously hard-nosed businessman with an eye for the
main chance and was one of the original creators of the modern
Hollywood film industry, founding the companies that would
eventually become Paramount and MGM. Born Schmuel Gelbfisz in late
19th-century Poland, he emigrated first to England and then in 1899
to New York under the Anglicised name of Samuel Goldfish -- a name
that would be quite at home in Ankh-Morpork, and surely the
inspiration Pterry chose when naming Thomas Silverfish, the
Alchemist who discovered octocellulose -- where he fell in love with
the nascent film industry and co-produced a film directed by the
young novice Cecil B. DeMille. In 1916, having changed his name
legally to Goldwyn, he created Goldwyn Pictures and gave the world
the iconic Leo the Lion trademark.

Goldwyn had a reputation for excellence in filmmaking (many of his
films and their leading actors were nominated for Academy Awards)and
possessed a sharp talent for finding the best directors and actors.
His extravagant personality and habit of coming up with quotable
malapropisms, many of which live on even today were pure Holy Wood
Dibbler -- for example:

'In two words, im-possible.'
'Let's have some new cliches.'
'You've got to take the bull between your teeth.'
'Our comedies are not to be laughed at.'

...and one dear to Dibbler's heart in any of his ventures: "A verbal
contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

Goldwyn was a master of making people do what he wanted, but Cecil
Blount DeMille was a genius at giving the public what *they* wanted.
Born to middle-class Anglo-American parents, DeMille was both a
flamboyant showman and a dedicated craftsman who assembled a stable
of high-quality actors and used them in film after film. He was
known for being a tyrant on-set and would make life very hard for
his leading actors if they dared baulk at scenes calling for risky
actions, such as wrestling with lions or working in a blazing
building -- this was in the days before professional stuntmen!

DeMille may not have been adept at directing individual performers,
but his forte was directing huge casts; he gave the world the
"thousands of extras!" concept and excelled at vast spectacles, such
as the parting of the Red Sea (The Ten Commandments), the toppling
of a pagan temple (Samson and Delilah), and train wrecks (Union
Pacific, and The Greatest Show on Earth). DeMille also was one of
the first directors in Hollywood to become a celebrity as himself,
often acting in and narrating his own films. A tireless worker, he
was still climbing the scenery in his seventies, to make sure that
every detail was perfect.

We can't think of Century of the Fruitbat Pictures without a fond
mention of Busby Berkeley. What DeMille did for spectacular ensemble
pieces, Berkeley did for musical dance sequences. William Berkeley
Enos started his career working for Samuel Goldwyn; he developed
his famous "trademark" techniques of parade-of-faces in a chorus
line, using dancers in geometric and kaleidoscopic patterns, and
choreographing routines that started on a stage and then moved out
into a cinematic fantasy-world. Berkeley was the innovator who moved
cameras about and experimented with the unusual camera perspectives
that became a major part of what made films different from stage
productions, and along the way established the film musical as a
genre of its own. Some even say he was the inventor of camp cinema.

Because he was allowed to direct his musical pieces independently of
the main film direction, they were often bizarrely unconnected to
the rest of the picture! He spent his career always seeking more and
more spectacular pieces and tried to never repeat himself.

Berkeley was also famously "Hollywood", with six marriages and a
high-profile affair with a leading female star. All in all, he was
a consummate showman whose work, for all its kitsch, will never be
forgotten.

Sources:
http://www.cecilbdemille.com/
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/americanmasters/database/goldwyn_s.html
http://golden_age_films.tripod.com/html/berkeley/buzbio.htm
...and Wikipedia, of course

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

15) FROM RUSSIA WITH...MAMMOTHS?

We know that Pterry was in Russia last month; now, new iconographs
have surfaced that suggest that it wasn't all book signings and boat
rides in St. Petersburg! Consider the evidence:

http://northernplanets.blogspot.com/2007/07/pterry-and-baby-mammoth.
html

or http://tinyurl.com/2mjv3d

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

16) YES VIRGINIA, THERE *IS* A REAL KFL - AND THEY READ WOSSNAME!

We've received an email from Mrs Lyon, a member of the KFL:

"My young Marine progeny is a member of the 'Foreign Legion'. Lucky
for him he has not yet forgotten how to receive e-mails. He asked me
to forward this newsletter [ed. note: that's WOSSNAME]. So I have
forwarded it and the following narratives. Hopefully he will
remember how to open them when they show up. And also remember that
they are addressed to him. And that he is himself. O dear...

"Thanks bunches, folks. Our 'Klatchian Foreign Legend' laughs his
butt off when he reads these. And then he shares them with his
buddies.

"The 'west' Klatchians - aka Jordanian truck drivers - call him Al
Afad, or something like that - one of many words for 'Lion' -
hopefully one of the more positive appellations!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

17) SPEAKING OF 1,000 ELEPHANTS...

Jeweller Myra Fox (see last month's MidSouthCon report) responded to
my enquiry about her Discworld-themed elephants:

I would also be glad to make a similar necklace and earring set for
the cost of the materials and postage for anyone who requests. There
is a choice between jasper and serpentine elephants which are
pendant size and have wonderfully hand carved details. Anyone is
welcome to email me for any further information. www.bead-towne.com
or myra@...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

18) THE GOOD WEBBE GUIDE

A timely and fascinating page. Paul Kidby charts the progress of his
cover art for Making Money, with various images:

http://www.paulkidby.net/PhotoGallery.html

(note: check at the bottom of the page under Miscellany for some
more fascinating glimpses into the genius of Kidby at work)

-----------------------

Out of Cheese Error: a fan site dedicated to Ponder Stibbons!

http://www.angelfire.com/wizard2/stibbons/

-----------------------

Stitch this! Lyndisfarne, a great site offering Discworld cross-
stitch kits and patterns, featuring three pages of Paul Kidby-
inspired stitch-witchery:

http://www.lyndisfarne.com/about.php

-----------------------

A French Discworld fan site - always an eye-opener to see the way
different, i.e. non-English-speaking, languages and cultures deal
with Discworld character names, concepts and punes:

http://cyberpingui.free.fr/sf/discworld.php

-----------------------

...and an amusing "which A-M City Watch character are you?" quiz:

http://www.quizilla.com/users/Margolotta/quizzes/Discworld:%20Which%
20Ankh-Morpork%20City%20Watch%20Character%20are%20YOU?/

or http://tinyurl.com/2l8w5m

[Editor's note: for the record, I got Vetinari. Hmm.]

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2007 -- PART 4 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 4 - B.U. NEWS AND WEIRD ALICE

19) BUGARUP UNIVERSITY CAMPUS NEWSROUND
20) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

19) FROM THE BUGARUP CAMPUS

WINTERSMITH GOES SOAP!

Bek wrote:
I was watching Australia's favourite soapie, Neighbours, when they
did one of the classic "cut to someone doing something innocuous as
a setup for a scene" moves, only this time it shocked me. Paul
Robinson was reading Wintersmith! It was very quick, and he put the
book away as soon as everyone else walked into the scene, but it was
quite a surprise!

Steven riposted:
Was the book the right way up?

Someone else (muhahaha) said:
Culture has come to the Land of Fourecks! But it's *still* not gonna
make me watch Neighbours.

---------

WHERE THE MULTIVERSES MEET

Jase of the Faculty of Technomancy:
XKCD - on topic
I've read this comic three times and only just noticed this...
http://xkcd.com/c273.html

Steven:
Yes, but did you notice that it is on-topic *twice*?

Asti (puzzled):
I give up - I can only see the reference to octarine.

Steven:
If the electromagnetic spectrum ever dies, it will be okay, because
it has its potato.

---------

CASTING COUCH

This one was from Steven:

I haven't seen a lot of talk about the new movie being made of
Colour of Magic plus The Light Fantastic, and yet it is not just
confirmed but actually in progress.

http://northernplanets.blogspot.com/2007/07/colour-of-magic-movie.
html

---------

QUOTABLE PTERRY

Paul the Libwolf, posting to ozdw, used the following as a sigfile:
"Elvis is only dead at the speed of light. Out by Vega, he died
only a year ago. Travel only a light year further along a convenient
wormhole and he's still alive. Admittedly, he's also a long way
away. Thank you very much."
~ Terry Pratchett

The query arose:
Dude, where's that Pratchett quotation from?!

Paul replied:
Alt.Fan.Pratchett

There was a protest:
I don't think that really counts as giving credit as to where it's
from! Is it from a book?  An interview?

And the mystery was solved by Paul:
From a thread on Alt.Fan.Pratchett - he does jump in at times.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

20) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

Post 5. CHAINED MELODY

First Clog: "I'm sure this wasn't in the travel brochure..."

Well, we finally left Genua and our transport didn't break down for
once!

Instead, we got captured by pirates. Oh, and got free eventually, or
else I wouldn't be dictating this. It was just the two of us, myself
and Cert... the only two remaining travellers out of our original
party of nine. Hard to believe after all this time that we'll never
see some of them again! - though Listeria was adamant that she'd
catch us up later in the journey; she was having such a good time
learning (and teaching) about exotic poisons that she decided to
stay on for a few extra days. Mr Num was so horrified by the "open
debauchery" in Genua that he took his bags and tracts and Books of
Om and went off into the swamps to convert the locals... no great
loss there, but it would be too much to hope that a bad fate befalls
him, since he's exactly the sort of intense personality who'd be
likely to come back as a Zombie. The thought of a 24/8 Omnian door-
knocker is too horrible to contemplate!

As for the Verdants, Lothar and Tessica were so taken with the
Genuan lifestyle that they immigrated on the spot and sent a Clacks
arranging for their haberdashery shop to be packed up and sent down
posthaste. The last I saw of young Athelred, he was chatting up the
Baroness and checking for any other unattached posh women with posh
fortunes, and it will come as no surprise to anyone that Rumbustia
applied to join the local Seamstresses' Guild. She'll go far, that
girl. Quite possibly beyond the bounds of the Seamstresses' own
guidelines, to the delight of the Genuan consumers; when it comes to
negotiable affection, she can negotiate with the best of Dibblers...

... so yes, just Cert and me. I'm quite getting to like him, apart
from his useful wizarding skills. He's actually not as obnoxious as
I thought at first when he joined us, he's got over much of his go-
faster obsession (since coming to Genua, at any rate. No-one in
Genua ever does *anything* fast. It's the weather, I think), and he
isn't bad-looking at all, when he's not covered in road muck or
stains from potions that didn't work out the way he hoped they
would. He's kind of tall and kind of dark and has rather a nice
smile and erm, delete that last line - what do you mean, you've
forgotten how to delete? Wretched imp! No more rum for you.

Anyway, pirates. Captured by. Not on my To Do list for that day.

We'd had a fantastic, phantasmagorical week that ended with a two-
day leaving party. On the morning we were set to sail I woke up to
find myself face down on a quaint needlework sampler that read BEE
IT EVYR SO HUMBL THERES NOE PLAYCE LIKE RUM, with a headache worthy
of Bilious himself. Staggered to my feet, went to our inn, threw
everything I could find that looked like mine into my bags (note to
self: remember to post back that warming pan), found Cert (better
state than me, but much the worse for wear than usual and wearing a
little paper drinks umbrella stuck behind his left ear), found a
Zombie porter, and made it to the docks only five minutes before the
Sea Donkey set sail for Krull the long way (see route description
below). Thankfully, I had an outside cabin with a porthole big
enough to stick my head and shoulders through. Not that we had rough
sailing, but I was already seasick before I boarded! By the time
we'd made our way down through the Swamp Sea and through the Strait
of Narrows, I was feeling considerably less undead and ready to come
up on deck and enjoy the beauty of the Gulf of Brindisi as it blends
into the gorgeous lambent purple of the Kythian Sea. NB no-one seems
to know exactly why the Kythian Sea is purple. Some say it's because
of an outpouring of Hub magic through an undersea vent; some say
it's algae; and a few people have suggested that the famous Kythian
dye factories haven't yet got the hang of filtering their toxic
waste. All I know is that it's amazingly pretty by night.

The route we were meant to take after reaching the Kythian Sea was
this: around the Orohai Peninsula, past the Bay of Mantle,
provisioning at the Rehigreed port of Direr Ghee, skimming through
the Ghat Islands, a stop at the Isle of Sumtri for bird-watching and
then on around Cape Terror, passing the Rimmost tip of Howondaland,
and finally via the Bellicose Islands to the kingdom of Krull for a
spot of Rim-gazing. The route we actually took was this: captured on
the Kythian Sea and taken straight to NoThingfjord to be sold as
slaves. A much simpler route altogether, though I can't say much for
the food or the scenery...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 4, continued on Part 5 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2007 -- PART 5 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 5 - WEIRD ALICE, FURTHER CLACKS LOG

21) MORE WEIRD ALICE

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

21) WEIRD ALICE'S CLACKS LOG, CONTINUED

It was a dark and moonless night - handy for pirates, that - when we
were attacked and boarded by the infamous crew of the not-so-good
ship Lalip-Ap, under the command of Captain Jimbo "Aye-aye" Aie. I
happened to be up in the foredeck being seasick over the rails when
they came alongside; sheer terror is probably the best seasickness
cure there is, and it certainly gave wings to my deck-splintered
heels as I ran below, grabbed my lute case, woke Gimpy, and told him
to go wake Cert and, brilliant piece of inspiration here if I do say
so myself, to tell him we were about to be boarded by pirates and to
for gods' sake throw his grimoires out the porthole and pose as a
conjurer if he valued his life. Pirates hate wizards but they love
conjurers - nothing like a spot of sleight-of-hand to entertain the
crew on those long boring between-plunder voyages, and lonely sea
dogs are always glad for the sight of *anything* in a robe... sure
enough, the pirates lined up the passengers, rifled the cabins,
disposed of the captain and first mate, and chose all the more able-
bodied of those left as unpaid labour on their ship. By sunrise we
were all in chains. I was, however, right to grab the lute. Being a
Bard gets a lady out of all manner of trouble, such as unwanted
attention from unwashed freebooters at sea. And oh my, what an
unwashed crew they were.

The crew of the Lalip-Ap (named, I'm told, for a minor local sea-
spirit - they wanted to name her after the far more fearsome
Shirlit Ampol Balak, small but deadly patron Goddess of pirates and
very inept seamen, but the name was too long to fit on the bowsprit)
are as scurvy a lot of swabbers as I've ever seen. Some of the more
colourful ones (and I mean that in stomach-churning literalness)
were Molasses "Blackstrap" Williams, a rum-soaked old navigator
descended from an ancient line of Morporkian treacle miners; Jacqs
Perot, an expatriate Genuan now living at sea with a girl in every
port and an able-bodied tar in every cabin; Har al-Flin, swash-
buckling son of the desert who took up buccaneering because he's
allergic to camels; Scree, an unusually small greenish-grey Troll
often used as a cannonball during attacks on larger ships;
Blackboard, the infamous schoolteacher turned buccaneer; and Daffy
James, late - in more ways than one - of Llamedos, who obviously had
more than a bit of squid in his ancestry. They were all rude, crude
and lewd, and Jacqs Perot was always in a mood. Captain Aie rules
them all with an iron hand - as well he would, since his real one
got cut off in a swordfight. We were treated badly on the whole, but
we weren't killed (a plus) and even though they chained us to the
oars and whipped us to row whenever the wind dropped, Cert and I got
a relative amount of freedom and extra rum rations owing to our
special talents.

I have to say, Cert's handled himself very well so far. He didn't
complain more than expected, he didn't try to take on the whole
heavily-armed crew using only third-year spellcasting, and it turned
out he actually does know quite a few feats of legerdemain including
the rope trick and the one with the egg (donated by a passing
seagull). I like him better all the time. I just wish he was a
Sourcerer. For, like, five minutes. That'd improve the situation.

***

Third day out. Very tired. Have to whisper to my PDA when Blackstrap
isn't looking. Clever Gimpy, disguising himself as a dropped oyster
and rolling under bulkheads when any pirates get near.

***

Fifth day out. Bloody freezing gale. At least we don't have to row.

***

Seventh day out. Asked Cert in whispered conversation what he thinks
of our chances for escaping. He says good, but not time yet. Says
he'll let me know when it's time yet. Wish it was time yet.

***

Ninth day out. Change of circumstances. Double rum ration for
entertaining Captain Aie with sea shanties I made up! He's easily
entertained. Put me down for only half-shifts on the oars. Hope we
get another gale.

***

Tenth day out. Sunburnt. Must be getting close now, I can see the
snowcaps of the Rammerock Mountains on landward side. And longboats
on the horizon. Not sure if this is good or bad. Cert says not time
yet.

***

Nighttime, tenth day. Moon half waned. Seems like forever since Fat
Tuesday. Need more rum. Cert getting stir-crazy, says if he never
has to do the spoon trick again it'll be too soon. Jacqs Perot
eyeing him up more every day. Must be the robes.

Gimpy can remember music and sing it back exactly as he hears it;
time I put some of this post in the medium of song. Very quietly.

Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard with you
Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard
Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard with you
Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard
A wizard with you...

Travellin' round the Disc with a barmy wizard
Run-down and sore from that bargain seat
Now it's a slow doom and everything's dismal
Wish I was asleep on Lancre sheets

Things are looking
Cataclysmic
Waves of Rim foam wash over me
Cohen seized the
Agatean Empire
Wish he'd conquered this damned sea

There's a big boat full of pirates
Going faster since they captured me
Do I lie like a chained-up hostage
Or take my chance on the Kythian Sea?

Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard with you
Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard
Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard with you
Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard
A wizard with you...

Things are cracking
In my sacrum
Chains as fashion do naught for me
Truly seasick
Thirstin' like a vampire
Could I kill for a shower? - Aye!

There's a small bloke with an eye-patch
Going "Nurr, nurr" when he looks at me
Do I lie back and think of Morpork
Or stab him right in the hard-a-lee?

Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard with you
Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard
Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard with you
Everywhere you go, should always take a wizard
A wizard with you...

Post. Endeth. Tired.

***

Second Clog: "Carnival knowledge? Make mine a double!"

As promised: since everyone else aboard is drunk (which is to say
our *captors* are passed out to a man and Troll) and Gimpy says he
has plenty of memory left before he has to do a dump (I told him
that fell under the category of too much information, but he assures
me it has something to do with thaumotechnology and nothing to do
with Impish bodily functions), more now about my stay in Genua. I
told you that New Genua is now the "party city that never stops"; as
it turned out, there was an almost unbelievable choice of places to
party in, at, around, and under. I've never seen so much rum in my
life. Or so many music venues! Apart from Puttin' on the Grits and
the House of Booze (see previous Clog), there are more amazing and
bawdy and downright debauched pubs and clubs and shebeens here than
you can shake a Zombie's Leg at, so I'll just list a few of my
favourites...at least the ones I can remember through the pounding
red haze of various hangovers: Going to a-Gogol, where I met my
first genuine Genuan Zombie barmen; Thank Gods It's Saturday's, also
known as T.G.I.S., which is owned by the Baroness herself -- she's a
regular there and has even been known to have a go at the piano bar;
the Genuan Article, head- quarters of the Campaign for Real Scumble;
the Dead Duc, where everything's green, especially the beer; and the
city's premier tourist attraction (apart from the Castle and the
restaurants and the swamps and the Museum of Lady Lilith's Smiling
Horrors), the notorious Show Boat. Or to give it its correct name,
the Show!Boat!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 5, continued on Part 6 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2007 -- PART 6 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 6 - WEIRD ALICE, CONTINUED

22) CLACKS LOG, CONTINUED

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

22) ALICE'S CLACKS LOG: THE REST

The Show!Boat! is exactly what it sounds like - an old retired
paddlewheel steamboat that's been drydocked, hauled ashore, and
permanently stationed near the riverbank - but inside, things
aren't exactly what they seem to be. Or they're exactly what they
don't seem to be, if you take my meaning. The Show!Boat! has
entertainment every night of the week, or in the words of its
copiously exclamation-marked billboards:

ENTERTAINMENT!!! EIGHT NIGHTS! A WEEK!!!!! FEATURING GENUA'S! BEST!!
AND EXOTIC!!! GUEST!!! PERFORMERS!!! FROM THE FURTHEST! REACHES! OF
THE DISC!!!!! SPECIAL AUDIENCE! PARTICIPATION! NIGHT!!! EVERY
OCTEDAY!!!!!!!

The week we were there, their EXOTIC!!! GUEST!!! PERFORMERS!!! were
Lavender Beer, all-singing, all-dancing troupe from the Continent of
EcksEcksEcksEcks. I have to say they were exotic. Three of them -
Letitia, Darleen and Noelene - and their manager, a nice young lady
called Neilette who invited me back to their cart for drinkies when
she heard I was a Bard, and oh yes their pet sheep. Answers to the
name of Rinso, the real Rinso being some kind of Ecksian hero or
criminal (I get the impression they're the same thing there). They'd
been booked to lead the Fat Tuesday Parade, since they have so much
experience leading parades back home. I have to say their singing is
dreadful but they have the best costumes I've ever seen, the sort
you'd expect at the Opera House in A-M. At one point Letitia was
dressed as Madame Cupidor, the mistress of Mad King Soup II - and
complete with the wig with the replica linguini shop and water clock
in it, and six-inch heels, she topped seven feet. I asked Neilette
(good voice by the way, but won't sing with the troupe for some
reason) if they'd be willing to gig in Lancre, but she said she
didn't think Lancre was ready for their unique approach to woman-
hood, song and beard stubble. Hah! She should see the beards on some
of the old birds at the Witch Trials, and those old ladies are old
ladies who came into the world as young ladies!

All in all, an unforgettable time. Like I wish this one was!

Over and out.

***

Third clog: "Pining on the fjords"

We dropped anchor in NoThingfjord harbour this morning. Blackstrap
says the slave auction will be held on the docks at noon tomorrow.
He also said "Nurr, nurr" a lot. I'll be glad to see the back of
him. I'd be gladder to see the back of him if I had a sword I could
stick right through to the front of him!

***

NoThingfjordsbergen is very wooden and very hairy. Great strapping
hairy wooden-faced men and great strapping hairy wooden-faced women
and great strapping hairy-roofed wooden longhouses. I can't imagine
why they'd want female slaves when every woman I've seen looks well
capable of carrying a full-grown heifer under each arm. Maybe I'll
get lucky and get bought by someone with a goat farm. I like goats.
I even like milking them, though I can't say I wanted to spend the
rest of my life doing nothing else but milking and mucking out, I
mean, I've had books published, I'm famous in Lancre and Uberwald
and and Genua and arrgh arrgh arrgh PANIC!!! is it time yet?

***

Rum for all last night! I know it's the same sort of thing as a
condemned prisoner's last meal, but who cares? Rum! Got stinking
drunk.

Blackstrap just threw a bucket of water over me and told me to
"pretty yourself up, nurr, nurr," and laughed when I asked if there
was any soap. Good thing Gimpy was out of range. I'd be lost without
him passing messages between me and Cert. Wonderful imp.

***

They decided to keep Cert as Ship's entertainer. Gimpy just told me.
This is hopeful, I think. At least he won't be up there on the
auction block with me!

***

WE'RE FREE! FREE! FREE FREE FREE!

And this is how it happened - when we slaves-to-be were standing on
the little stage they use for auctions, I heard whispers from
underneath the boards:

"Pssst."
"No, hung over."
"Seriously, psssst!"
"Yerss, I was seriously pissed last night. - oh, it's you!"
"It's time yet. Hold out your wrists. And close your eyes, there may
be some bright lights..."

I was already seeing more bright lights than I wanted to, but I did
as told and there was a sort of quiet sizzle and a funny tingle
around my wrists and suddenly my manacles turned into a pair of
little snakes, non-venomous little snakes, praise Io, and slithered
away. As did I. Not so much slithered as dropped like a stone,
rolled off the back of the boards and hit the ground running. All
three of us, running for our lives and freedom. And I'll cut this
short by just saying that we got very lost on the docks, but it
didn't matter because we ducked into a warehouse that was full of
silks and hides and  a rolled-up carpet in one corner and Cert
yelled aloud because it looked like one of *those* carpets, you
know, and it was! We unrolled it and there was a stamp on the
underside that read PROPERTY OF EAT CARPET AIRWAYS, AL KHALI,
KLATCH, and Cert said "Quick, I know how to drive these things," and
we grabbed a pile of silk cloth and some hides for keeping warm with
and Gimpy got some string and hopped up and tied it to the door-
latch and then Cert and I got on the carpet and he said some wizardy
words and we rose up smooth as glass and Gimpy pulled on the string
and hopped on with us and then we flew through the entrance and we
were free free FREE! There was a lot of shouting and pointing from
the NoThingfjorders and the pirates and Captain Aie waved his iron
hand at us and a few of the quicker ones fired crossbows but we were
rising fast. One crossbow bolt did go through the middle of the
carpet, but Cert said that was no problem because magic wasn't about
aerodynamics, and off we went, over the hills and away! The only
thing that would have been even better was if we'd had some rum.

Time to cut the trip short and go home, or at least back to
someplace civilised. Food! Hot baths! A change of clothes!

Here endeth this post.

***

Fourth Clog: "What do you mean, 'it's on autopilot'?"

Apparently, we have to fly two-thirds of the way across the Disc
before this damned carpet will let itself be landed. Arrgh!

My guidebook said the Hublights are especially lovely at this time
of year. That's good news, since we'll unavoidably be passing right
through them. The other good news is that what with Cori Celesti
being a no-fly zone for non-divines, the carpet at least won't
strand us in the middle of the Hall of Io. The third good news is
that this carpet is *fast*. Cert says it will only take us a few
days to get to Al-Khali where the Eat Carpet home stable is. Now if
only we'd thought to bring food and water...

***

Well, the Hublights were especially lovely after all. And the flight
is wonderfully quiet. And our week and more of travail and
tribulations aboard the good ship Lalip-Ap have given Cert a lean
and hungry look that rather suits him. And we're getting to know
each other better all the time. And...oh. So *that's* why wizards
aren't allowed to have families. "You mean you can't...?" "Afraid
not. And certainly not while we're 1,500 feet up above what look
like very solid mountains. But if I, you know, could, um, I'm not
saying I wouldn't..."

***

I'm at one end of the carpet and Cert is at the other. I can see
this is going to be a long flight.

-- Alice.

Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Weather With You can
be found at:
http://www.etext.org/lists/house/woodface/weather-with-you.html

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 6, continued on Part 7 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2007 -- PART 7 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 7 - HOROSCOPE AND G'DAY



23) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
24) CLOSING WORDS

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

23) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

CHING ALING!

No, it isn't the sound of the money-changers in Sator Square; it's
the venerable Hublander art of divination. The Ching Aling, also
known as the Book of Tossing, is performed by interpreting the
patterns formed by tossing herring bones. According to Hublanders,
the universe formed from Kaos, the Primordial Muesli, which produced
the three Elementary Forms, the NIN, NAN and NONG. These cosmic
principles reflect the trichotomies of the universe, such as drunk/
sober/knurd, alive/dead/undead, light/dark/true dark (or dark light,
as the Uberwaldeans prefer to call it) and thesis/antithesis/
synthesis, and are the foundation of the Ching Aling.

The Ching Aling practitioner concentrates on the question they want
answered, then tosses two herring bones to form one of nine Chigrams.
Each Chigram has an aspect, a flavour and a direction:

1. Impetus, Meaty/Savoury, Greater Widdershins
2. Rimfall, Sour, Widdershins
3. Summer winds, Hot, Moving Apart
4. Aurora Coriolis, Spicy, Lesser Widdershins
5. Glacier, Cold, Stillness/The Hub
6. Stormy weather, Salty, Turnwise
7. Maelstrom, Bitter, Coming Together
8. Moonshadow, Minty, Lesser Turnwise
9. Washing-up, Sweet, Greater Turnwise

Four Chigrams taken together make one of 6561 possible Octograms,
numbered non-consecutively between 1111 and 9999 for reasons known
only to camels and the ancient Hublander Sourcerer Makko, the
discoverer of Ching Aling. Each Octogram consists of the Outer Being
(formed from the first and last Chigrams) and the Inner State (from
the second and third Chigrams).

By concentrating on a question whilst tossing the bones, the trained
practitioner can gain insight into the answer by interpreting the
Octograms. So, with an antique copy of The Compleet Thicko's Guyde
To Ching Aling in hand and a pint of cod liver beer to get into the
right mood, I concentrated on each astrological Sign and asked the
bones what your horoscope will be...

-------------

Note: this Horoscope was compiled with the kind assistance** of
SteVen D'Afanguin (D.Thm), Bugarup University Professor of
Sphenisciformal Anxiety.

** Meaning "he did all the real work".

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar-20 Apr



Your Octogram is 6617.
The Inner State is Slood and the Outer Being is the Prohibited Soup.
Your element is Aether and your food is sausage-inna-bun.
Your lucky letter is N and your unlucky number is 7+1.
Your household appliance is "Anni-Frid" the bicycle.
The colour to avoid is burgundy, and you should beware of rains of
buffalo.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr-21 May


Your Octogram is 2453.
The Inner State is Epiphany and the Outer Being is the Gloomy
Trousers.
Your element is Dark and your food is stoo with named meat.
Your lucky letter is A and your unlucky number is 9.
Your household appliance is "Olaf" the footstool.
The colour to avoid is white, and you should beware of little bald
wrinkly smiling men carrying brooms


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun



Your Octogram is 3463.
The Inner State is Disputatiousness and the Outer Being is the Bowl
of Fish Stoo Tasting Faintly of Garlic.
Your element is Silver and your food is potato.
Your lucky letter is T and your unlucky number is 10.
Your household appliance is "Ursula" the set of steak knives.
The colour to avoid is that funny colour you get when you mix all
your paints together in a spirit of enquiry, and you should beware
of blubber.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun-22 Jul



Your Octogram is 8887.
The Inner State is Illegality and the Outer Being is the Unatoning
Goose.
Your element is Water and your food is hazelnut creme truffle.
Your lucky letter is F and your unlucky number is 23.
Your household appliance is "Loki" the occasional table.
The colour to avoid is puce, and you should beware of pineapples.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug



Your Octogram is 3231.
The Inner State is Ostentatiousness and the Outer Being is the Empty
Firkin.
Your element is Air and your food is bread.
Your lucky letter is B and your unlucky number is 15.
Your household appliance is "Gretelhilda" the foldaway bed.
The colour to avoid is vermilion, and you should beware of yeti.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug-23 Sept


Your Octogram is 4542.
The Inner State is Quantum Uncertainty and the Outer Being is the
Threefold Bork.
Your element is Iron and your food is distressed pudding.
Your lucky letter is X and your unlucky number is 5.
Your household appliance is "Hergenbergen" the bookcase.
The colour to avoid is brown, and you should beware of steppes
(watch that first one, it's a doozy).


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept-23 Oct


Your Octogram is 9424.
The Inner State is Sycophancy and the Outer Being is the Unsorted
Glossary.
Your element is Gold and your food is porridge.
Your lucky letter is S and your unlucky number is 12.
Your household appliance is "Grisalda" the tea set.
The colour to avoid is plaid, and you should beware of men called
Hrunsson.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov


Your Octogram is 4375.
The Inner State is Burlesque and the Outer Being is the Badly
Fitting Codpiece.
Your element is Fire and your food is squishi.
Your lucky letter is R and your unlucky number is 1.
Your household appliance is "Nubbl" the terrarium.
The colour to avoid is black, and you should beware of foehns.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov-21 Dec


Your Octogram is 7313.
The Inner State is Duplicity and the Outer Being is the Chocolate
Moose.
Your element is Copper and your food is Lancre blue cheese.
Your lucky letter is Q and your unlucky number is 3.
Your household appliance is "Gnott" the candlestick holder.
The colour to avoid is khaki, and you should beware of snowshoes.



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec-20 Jan


Your Octogram is 8496.
The Inner State is Hangover and the Outer Being is the Plate o
  Lutefisk.
Your element is Earth and your food is figgins.
Your lucky letter is E and your unlucky number is 42.
Your household appliance is "Huskerdu" the broom.
The colour to avoid is octarine, and you should beware of moose.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan-18 Feb

Your Octogram is 3689.
The Inner State is Machismo and the Outer Being is the Pervious
Chicken.
Your element is Shadow and your food is bananananana.
Your lucky letter is Z and your unlucky number is 17.
Your household appliance is "Bjorn" the clothes hamper.
The colour to avoid is lime green, and you should beware of horse
cheese.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser Umbrage  19 Feb-20 Mar



Your Octogram is 1936.
The Inner State is Weltschmerz and the Outer Being is the Mortified
Maiden Aunt.
Your element is Octiron and your food is smoked cod.
Your lucky letter is M and your unlucky number is 6.
Your household appliance is "Lars" the assemble-at-home siege
engine.
The colour to avoid is beige, and you should beware of breakaway
oxidation phenomena.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

24) AND IT'S GOODNIGHT FROM ME...

A few nights ago, we went for a late meal at a fine local
restaurant. While we were dining, there came a sudden, extremely
loud metallic noise from the kitchen. "Blimey," I said  a moment
later, "I think I've just seen the what the colour octarine looks
like!"

See, I was born with crossed sensory wiring that causes me to see
sounds and taste colours or shades of lighting (the technical name
for this is synaesthesia); in the case of my sound-to-sight,
different types of noises cause me to see different sorts of "colour
washes" -- as if someone momentarily slipped lighting gels over my
eyes, and the louder the sound, the deeper the hue and intensity of
the colour wash.

This was unlike any colour I'd ever seen before: a sort of blackish
greenish purple, almost indescribably deep -- what I imagine some
colours in the depths of the Marianas Trench might look like -- and
it had its own internal lambent quality, like greeny-purple "black
light".

I think that might well be how octarine would actually look. It was
very pretty, in an oily, unsettling way! Now to see how it compares
to any octarine used in the forthcoming Colour of Magic film...

Right, that's all we've got. Take care, and see you next month!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - AUGUST 2007 -- PART 7 of 7
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 7 - HOROSCOPE, AND CLOSE

22) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED
23) CLOSE: THE LADY VANISHES

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

21) HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED

Ye Small Boringe Group of ye Fainte Starres 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Bad tymes ahead, also behind and to Widdershins. Ye King's menne
will tax thee Unfairley thys Monthe; blame Klatchians in Dollye
Syfters. Romance doth beckon upon ye quarter-Moone. Bee efpecially
kind to Green-grocers and avoide ye colour Puce.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjock, ye Salefman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

A goode Monthe for War upon Muntab, if it bee Found. Okjock
favoureth Finance when ye Moon enterf an Gibbous tyme; search ye
Houfe for mislayed Coppers behinde thy Pallett, and avoid Beggar
menne. An Turnip caft upon ye Hearthe will appease unkind Spirytes.
Thatch neither Cott nor Dunnye until ye 30th.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ye Cowe de Heaven  23 Nov - 21 Dec

A good Monthe for War upon thy neighbourf. In all Thynges
dysastrouf, blame thatte Hublandish famylie. A goode Monthe for
kippered Herringe. Beware one-eyed Doggs and all priefts of Om.
Sacrifyse to Goddes of thy choice ere Dawn on Moone-dark.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Wezen, ye Twice-headed Kangaroo  22 Dec - 20 Jan

A goode Monthe for War upon Istanzia. Plague of Gnomes; engage ye
thee Service of ane Ratte Pyper on 5th or 25th. Wezen favoureth
Weavinge and Dyeinge of Cloutf thys Monthe. Buye noe Potionf until
ye Ides. A chance Meetynge with Thievef can bring unexpected
Opportunitye, but avoid Fooles, for they art Dangerouf until ye next
fulle Moon.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ye Ashtraye of Anoia  21 Jan - 18 Feb

A badde Monthe for War upon Ephebe; wait until next Monthe. Plague
of Dwarfef; block ye Cellar stoutley. Get ye notte out of Bedde on
11th, 17th, 19th and 23rd, but rise early on even-number'd Dayes.
Goates giveth no Milke in fourth Weeke; blame thatte Hublandish
famylie.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ye Flyinge Moofe  19 Feb - 20 Mar

A goode Monthe for dodging ye Drafte. For ane smalle Pryce, ye
merchante Dybbler can arrange Passyge to Ephebe; but be certeaine to
move elfewhere before War breaketh oute next Monthe. Avoide Mymes
and Urchin chyldren, and drinke no Ankh water; trust me on thys, for
bee I notte ane Aftrologer?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

22) A WORD FROM YOUR EDITOR

Well, that's all we've got for this month. Actually, that's not all
we've got for this month, but space seems to have run out and some
non-calendar-related bits will have to wait for next month. I'd like
to express my thanks yet again to our volunteer contributors --
don't stop, we love you!

I'm off to the Place Where the Sun Does Not Shine, otherwise known
as the Place With No Internet Access, tomorrow for several days. So
if any of you find you've not received one or more parts of this
issue, take heart! I'll send on any missing bits as soon as I
return.

I hope you have a great month, and don't forget to put the Making
Money release dates in your Dis-Organisers!

-- Annie Mac

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2007 -- PART 2 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part  2 - MORE NEWS AND THE SUCH

5) JAMBOREE PICTURES
6) IMAGE OF THE MONTH
7) GUARDS! GUARDS! PODCAST
8) MAKING MAGIC: A GLIMPSE, OR NOT
9) RHIANNA PRATCHETT INTERVIEW
10) THE REAL GRANNY ACHING
11) PROVING THE WORLD IS ROUND
12) ACTION REPLAY 1: LORDS AND LADIES FAN FILM TRAILER
13) ACTION REPLAY 2: PTERRY INTERVIEWS OF NOTE
14) THE GOOD WEBBE GUIDE

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) DISCWORLD JAMBOREE: NOW WITH ICONOGRAPHS!

For those who, unlike Fi, couldn't be there to take part:

http://www.discworldjamboree.com/jamboree07/

A couple of Jamboree images, provided by Her Fi-ness:

http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/8/22/1373408/poster.jpg
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/8/22/1373408/Mail%20out%20A4%
20poster.pdf

The above links only will last for 30 days, but these below will
live more permanently in the WOSSNAME Yahoogroups files section,
although you have to sign in to Yahoogroups to see them:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WOSSNAME/files/

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

6) IMAGE OF THE MONTH

The Quirm Floral Clock, by Paul Kidby!

http://www.paulkidby.net/Floralclock.jpg

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

7) RADIO DAZE: A CLASSIC PODCAST OF GUARDS! GUARDS!

The Atlanta Radio Theatre Company (ARTC) is presenting, with
permission, ARTC Podcast 51 -- a podcast of its 2001 live
performance of the ARTC adaptation of Terry Pratchett's Guards!
Guards!, featuring the "super-special" guest voice of John Rhys-
Davies (effectively making it a hat trick for the Discworld-Lord of
the Rings connection this month!). This will be presented in two
parts, in conjunction with Dragon Con 2007 which will run from 31st
August to 3rd September:

http://artcpodcast.org/index.php?post_id=246184
http://artcpodcast.org

About the ARTC:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlanta_Radio_Theatre_Company

About Dragon Con:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DragonCon

Dragon Con's website:
http://www.dragoncon.org/

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

8) MAKING MAGIC: A SPY'S-EYE VIEW

Jason Anthony of Discworld Monthly recently visited the set of The
Colour of Magic. He's forbidden to tell much about it yet (upon pain
of pain, no doubt...), but his blog entry is here:

http://tinyurl.com/3b89my

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

9) HERRYDETERRY TALENT: RHIANNA PRATCHETT INTERVIEW

Jem Alexander of online gaming 'zine Joystiq interviews Heavenly
Sword's Rhianna Pratchett. Who is, of course, the Master's daughter
and an award-winning games writer in her own right:

"My dad was very techy and into computers, electronics, robots and
that kind of thing. He'd bring something that clicked and whirred
home and I was an only child so, of course, I was fascinated with
whatever my dad was doing. Games were only really becoming
commercial then and maybe he thought it was quite cute to get his
six year old daughter playing a game where she would run around with
a sword killing giant bugs..."

The entire interview can be found at:

http://tinyurl.com/2jv6zq

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

10) THE REAL GRANNY ACHING - OR ONE OF THEM...

"Only sixty years ago - I say only, but sixty years is a long time
and I never want to know what sixty years feels like; but I suppose
it is short really, and well within the living memory of the
standard Grandmother - sixty or so years ago, there was a
shepherdess in North Yorkshire. Shepherdess is a poor word for her!
It is a word that gives me a picture of a well set up young woman,
with porcelain skin and good teeth, a pretty pinafore and a
cleavage. She was none of that..."

Jake's blog is well worth reading! Here's the story of the
shepherdess:
http://www.jakethackray.com/content/view/277/51/

Lyrics to Old Molly Metcalfe, the song about the shepherdess, can be
found here: http://www.jakethackray.com/content/view/81/26/

Special thanks to Mrs Cake of Bugarup University for pointing
this one out!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

11) PROVING THAT ROUNDWORLD IS...ROUND?

by the Applegate Ranch Gang

In 1931, Wilbur Glenn Voliva of Zion, Illinois posted a curious
challenge. Wilbur believed wholeheartedly that our world is flat --
believed it so wholeheartedly that he posted a USD$5,000 reward --
quite a tidy sum in those days -- to be awarded to anyone who could
conclusively prove him wrong! From the original article in Modern
Mechanics:

"Many have tried to claim the $5,000-and all have failed. The catch
is that your proof must not start with the assumption that the world
is round, or rather a globe, for Voliva believes the world is round,
but a round, flat disc rather than a sphere. Without that basic
premise that the earth is spherical no one has found an absolutely
convincing proof that Voliva is wrong when he describes his disc-
shaped world, firmly planted on its foundations, surrounded by a
wall of ice to keep mariners from falling off the edge, and
surmounted by a crystal dome in which the stars are hung like
chandeliers to light the night. Nor can you submit proof to
absolutely disprove the belief of Voliva that the sun, instead of
being an 800,000 mile ball of fire more than ninety millions of
miles away is really a fairly insignificant affair, only some 27 to
30 miles in diameter and about 3,000 miles above the earth. Or that
the sun and moon move in orbits while the earth stands still, that
the moon is about the same size as the sun and the same distance
from the earth, shines by its own light, and moves in much the same
orbit as the sun."

Sound familiar? Have to wonder if Pterry ever came across these
obscure oddities. The article went on to say:

"Ever hear of Orlando Ferguson? Ferguson, a resident of Hot Springs,
South Dakota, designed a weird and wonderful map back in 1893 which
showed a square world, with an angel seated on each of the four
corners. The inhabitable or known world was not, however, flat. The
central section, comprising what we know as the northern hemisphere,
was convex, curving downward from the central "north pole" to the
equator, while the southern hemisphere was concave, curving upward
from the equator to the rim. The shape was much like a soup plate
with a raised center."

We live at Hot Springs, SD, and have seen a copy of Ferguson's map
on the wall at the H.S. Historical Museum, but until today, had
never been able to find out any further information. At the time, I
didn't connect it with Discworld, because of the original 'inverted
bowl' design. Unlike the usual 'flat earthers' concepts, these
include the crystal sphere & tiny sun orbiting. All that is missing
is Great A'Tuin & the elephants!

The original article (nine pages) is reprinted here:

http://tinyurl.com/2drng3

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

12) ACTION REPLAY 1: LORDS AND LADIES FAN FILM

Sometimes even amateurs can get it so right...in essence...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2WlmsLni84

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

13) ACTION REPLAY 2: SOME EXCELLENT PTERRY INTERVIEWS

Interview with Mark Lawson, parts 1 and 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs2BqxjVBCc

Pterry letting his hair - well, hat - down at the Schweibenwelt
Festival:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncC1DYrlOFs

Source: http://www.chronicles-network.com/forum/36581-terry-
pratchett-on-youtube.html

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

14) THE GOOD WEBBE GUIDE

Mad Hamish's site. Not updated recently, but still a pleasant look-
in; Mad Hamish himself informs me that the site may not be there
forever, so have yourselves a shufti now:

http://www.silverhorde.co.uk/

***

The Discworld Homework Guide, a fascinating collection of essays
on Terry Pratchett and his oeuvre by Mike Kew:

http://www.kew1.demon.co.uk/homework.html

The site also offers a Discworld Celebrity Matchmaker service. Up
since 2001 and still working:

http://www.kew1.demon.co.uk/match/index.html

***

The ever-popular LiveJournal's (not, that's not ironic) Discworld
community:

http://community.livejournal.com/discworld/

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2 -- continued on Part 3 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - AUGUST 2007 -- PART 3 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 3 - MAKING MONEY REVIEW

15) MAKING MONEY BOOK REVIEW

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

THE SIZZLE, THE SAUSAGE, AND THE COMPANY OF ANGELS: A REVIEW OF
MAKING MONEY

by Annie Mac

How do you solve a problem like von Lipwig?

It's been a year since the events of Going Postal, and Ankh-Morpork
is charging full gallop into the Industrial Era. The Post Office is
running smoothly now; the Clacks has been integrated into daily life
as just another medium of normal communication; the city is
ascending to a new golden age (this time, not based on the pointy
end of a sword); and Moist von Lipwig is restless. Dangerously
restless. He needs a new challenge, a new mountain to climb, a new
flam to flim, and he doesn't even know it...but Vetinari does.

Putting a convicted con artist in charge of the Royal Mint may sound
as ill-considered as putting a drunkard in charge of a distillery,
but for Moist it's always been about the thrill of the scam -- to
him, the making means far more than the money -- and he soon
discovers that the thrilling dangers of being an anonymous con
artist are small change compared to those of being the respectable,
well-known head of an ancient financial institution. The question
is, is he con artist enough to run the *real* game of Fleece the
Marks for the good of society?

Making Money is about masks: the ones we wear on the outside, the
ones we wear on the inside, the ones we wear to fool ourselves, the
way even objects can wear masks and be other than they seem. It's
about the difference between image and reality, and how people so
often confuse the two. It's about apparent worth and true value, and
how sometimes the value of the cover is far greater than the value
of the contents...and how, sometimes, honesty is the best bamboozle
of all.

And it rocks.

My initial reaction to Making Money was that it was lighter than
Going Postal, less intense and more comedic, almost a turning away
from the gritty maturity of recent Discworld novels... but I was
fooled by the masks. Lurking just below the surface -- a very
entertaining surface! -- are deep, thought-provoking observations
about the human condition (for a Discworld value of "human") and a
cast of characters who take on more complexity, more *realness*,
every time we meet them.

Making Money brings back some familiar faces and introduces some
fascinating new ones, but it's very much Moist's and Vetinari's
show. Two heavyweights sharing equal star billing, if you like.
Moist, with his shiny costume and shiny schemes, may be the man at
the front of the stage, but Vetinari has a very hands-on presence
here. Once an eminence grise who rarely stirred from the centre of
his web, he now dedicates more time to checking up on situations in
person. The Vetinari of Making Money has become more visibly human
without losing his basic Vetinari-ness, and the descriptions of him
at his games of as-it-were municipal chess and his interactions with
faithful clerk Drumknott are a joy to read and visualise. At the
same time, it's an equal delight to watch Moist's evolution from
looking out *only* for Number One to being a "man of the polis" who
sees the larger picture and makes decisions for the greater
good...with a modest slice off the top for himself, of course.

Moist and Vetinari work well together and enjoy mutual respect, not
that either of them would admit it. If Sam Vimes is Vetinari's
terrier, then Moist is Vetinari's hummingbird: flighty, showy, eye-
catching in action, flitting from metaphorical flower to flower as
he spreads the vital pollen of change. Vetinari sees full well that
the runaway train of modernisation is going at breakneck speed, and
that Moist's snake-oil approach is the perfect salve to grease the
wheels so that train doesn't jump the rails and crash in flames (and
if you think that's a worrying mix of metaphors, hey, it's a
Discworld-y sort of mix). Both men play life as a game; but where
Moist is still at the stage of thinking in terms of individual,
unconnected games that he can win, Vetinari treats the game as one
without end, where the only "win" is a minimum-casualties passage to
the next level. As the benevolent Trickster, he moves his chosen
players like board pieces...all, and always, for the benefit of the
city.

It's all about the city. Vetinari's machinations mirror Pratchett's
labour-of-love treatment of Ankh-Morpork and the Discworld universe
as a place of real characters and real consequences -- one could say
that the Author has evolved along with his creations. [Note: in my
mind's eye I see the Pratchett of Ago as a master craftsman in his
study, poking at a tiny scale model Discworld (like the UU wizards
of the Science of Discworld books) to see what might happen, and the
Pratchett of Now as a kinder master craftsman who runs Hex
simulations that never spill a drop of needless blood.] As mediaeval
magicalism gives way to Century of the Anchovy realism, going back
is not an option; with first the Clacks and now the new technologies
that will inevitably derive from Ankh-Morpork's acquisition of a
Device, the toothpaste is truly out of the tube and the people of
the Disc will have to figure out how to live with the results
without, well, needlessly spilt blood. And Making Money sees the
advent of another complex piece of ancient "lost technology" that
will have equally far-reaching consequences (and no, I'm not going
to tell you what it is; that, my friends, is known as "spoilage" and
ain't gonna happen here).

When the cube (Device) was first introduced in Thud!, I worried a
bit. The thought of a clearly alien artefact entering the magic-
driven bubble universe of Discworld seemed a bit jarring -- bringing
the stuff of science fiction into the realm of what is essentially a
traditional fantasy setting might, I feared, break the self-
completeness that has long since set Discworld novels head and
shoulders above the rest of the fantasy genre. But there was no need
to worry, as it's turned out. It is a measure of Pratchett's genius
that he is integrating this wild card into the world we know and
love in a way that leaves its essential Discly nature undamaged.

Another thing that strikes me about Making Money is the evolution of
the vernacular in dialogue, and also in social conventions as the
Author describes them to us. In the real world, slang and
terminology evolves to match social and technological changes, and
the sheer speed of change on the Disc is reflected in and emphasised
by a far more modern turn of phrase -- again, I found this slightly
unsettling at first, but soon realised that it's a very clever way
of showing those changes without having to do too much explaining.
And, as mentioned earlier, it rocks.  Don't panic, though,
"OMGLOLZ!!!111!11!" and mallspeak have yet to make an appearance!

About the new characters: no, we don't get a magnificent, evilly
charismatic villain of the stature of Reacher Gilt, but then we
don't need one. There are certainly interesting villains in Making
Money, and some of them offer real menace, but the story is more
about people solving problems (and themselves) than about heroes
battling the bad guys. Oh, and it's rather bizarrely comforting to
know that there's a Paris Hilton wherever you go in the multiverse,
muhahaha.

All in all, Making Money goes straight into the upper reaches of my
favourite Discworld novels, and I recommend it wholeheartedly.
There has been a lot of talk in Pratchett fan communities of
"whither Discworld?" and wondering if places to take the stories and
characters are running out, but yet again, the Master has come up
with a take that gives the series enough new blood to continue its
long, long run and still remain fresh. As fresh as a freshly minted
elim, in fact. Thumbs up, Mr Pratchett, and keep the white-knuckle
Wild Ride of Change flowing!

***

And now, turn the page for the Bumper Fun Extra Added Boffo version
from the Ministry of Silly Reviews...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - AUGUST 2007 -- PART 4 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 4 -- MAKING MONEY, B.U. NEWS AND WEIRD ALICE

16) MAKING MONEY: A SILLY REVIEW
17) BUGARUP UNIVERSITY CAMPUS NEWSROUND
18) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

16) MAKING MONEY: ONE WHOLE LOTTA GOLD

Money! Intrigue! Murder! Family feuds! Politics! Economics! Romance!
Cookery! Interest rates! Wobbly bits! This one's got 'em all!

See what goes on behind closed doors at Mrs Cake's boarding house!
View the future in a rather twisty glass of water! Learn the
ancestral secrets of the Igors[1] and discover why Discly fandom can
be a dangerous hobby! Marvel at the results of Consciousness Raising
101 for Golems! Discover the strange connection between finance and
fetishwear! See how the high and low businessmen of Ankh-Morpork
react to modern bank loans! Calculate the size of Adora Belle
Dearheart's tobacco bill!

MAKING MONEY! A story of true love, animal magic, shiny hats,
cottage-industry coinage, nepotism, despotism, Omnianism,
Differently Normalism, and the power of a well-placed woof! In
living colour, especially the gold![2] This is a novel NOT TO BE
MISSED!

Go on, pre-order it now! You know you want to!

MAKING MONEY! A heartwarming tale of a boy and his Mint! Out soon!


[1] The secrets of the Igor clan, that is. Not the actual secrets of
Igoring. We can't just tell, like, everyone how to reanimate
leftover bits of people, because it might destabilise the very
fabric of society[3]

[2] Although the Quirm Cabbage Greens are rather a nice colour

[3] A fairly tatty gingham and probably not up to much, from the
look of it

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

17) AROUND THE BUGARUP UNIVERSITY CAMPUS

A roundup from WOSSNAME's sister Yahoogroup, ozdw

SOUNDS FAMILIAR: AN INCONSIDERED TRIFLE

Libwolf the BU Librarian quoted the following in his sig-line:
"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that
the English language is as pure as a crib-house whore. It not only
borrows words from other languages; it has on occasion chased other
languages down dark alley-ways, clubbed them unconscious and rifled
their pockets for new vocabulary."~ James Nicoll, 1846-1918

Jase of the Faculty of Technomancy replied:
Had you not attributed that I would have assumed it was Pterry. Sure
sounds like his style of personification

Mrs Peculiar mused:
Now we have to wonder if Pterry, being a picker-up of inconsidered
trifles (and the occasional toasted figgin), was well aware of
Nicoll's bon mot :-)

----

PTERRY'S WORK RATE: SHOULD WE BE TOLD?

SuperDan:
The other day my SO was grumbling about the distinct lack of a DW
book in recent memory and that Pterry was getting "slack". I
responded that we should forgive him since he is nearly 103 (okay,
okay he's approaching 60). This was not accepted as an argument of
merit according to her as he used to put at least two out a year. So
I pose this to you, the faithful: Should we consider that Mr
Pratchett may become a little less prolific in the coming years?
And, if so, should we accept that or kidnap him and have monkeys
with whips in the deepest Amazon forest force him to write more?

Keeper of the Wombat: This very subject was discussed on the a.b.p
newsgroup not so long ago. It seems Mr P is getting on a bit and
slowing down a bit too. So he's cut back to one book a year instead
of the two he's produced up until now. He's also cutting back on all
the signing tours and conventions and stuff he's been doing.

I'd say we are going to have to accept it. Forcing him to write more
will kill him quicker and thus we get less books than if we just
adopt the patience of Lu Tze and await the one book per year. For
does not Mrs Cosmopilite say:- "Penny wise, dollar foolish."?

Mrs Peculiar:
Awww, give the man a chance to rest! There's only just so much sand
in every lifetimer, after all...

SuperDan:
And quite fairly, I think he's done tremendous work giving us as
many good quality and highly amusing books already.

Mrs Peculiar:
We also have to keep a close eye on Mogg. Every time she reads *all*
published novels by an author, the author is suddenly visited by
someone WHO SPEAKS LIKE THIS.

SuperDan:
Right, tie her up. NOW!

The conversation then turned to areas over which it's best to draw a
veil. Seven of them, in fact.

----

And finally, it looks like the Smoking Gnu is lurking on campus,
according to the scuttlebutt in room 3b:

Jase: Loopy is running spam out of the university Hex hehe www
.hexmail-direct.com
Libwolf: "Your Sta33 not big en0ugh? "
Jase: W4NT L0NG3R L45T1NG CUST4RD?
Libwolf: "4r a b1gg3r bR00mst1ck, cl13k h3r3"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

18) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

Post 6. THIS GREAT SOUTHERN SAND

First Clog: "When you came in here, didn't you have a plan for
getting out?"

So we crashed. In the desert. I imagine that counts as a breakdown.

But first we got blown off course going over the Hublands by a
random storm of raw magic somewhere on the Circle Sea side, which
meant we didn't make it as far as Al-Khali, or even anywhere near
Al-Khali. I suppose this is partly my fault, but hey, it takes two
to horizontally tango (and I have to say that you haven't lived
until you've horizontally tango'd on a flying carpet; just make sure
you have somewhere safe to land), and how was I to know it was
really true about wizards and the not tangoing thing? Or that when a
wizard loses his magic it sucks out all the other magic in the
immediate area? So we crashed. The effect is only temporary (luckily
for us), but this explains why wizards get their oats as students,
and why wizards daren't marry. Cert says you can always tell the
students who *aren't* getting their oats; apart from doing better on
exams, they're the ones with hairy palms and a permanent aura of
maddened frustration.

Klatch is big. Really big. You just wouldn't believe how vastly
hugely mindbogglingly big it is. And sandy. So much sand. And dry.
Big and sandy and dry and so very, very empty, except for us and a
patch of less sandy-coloured sand that may have been a lizard...oh,
and D'regs. According to my guidebook, the D'regs are a noble desert
tribe, a "warlike, fierce and honourable" people who take pride in
their ancient traditions. Since my time in Uberwald taught me that
"noble" is often as not another word for "arrogant, unsympathetic
and bloodthirsty, sometimes literally", you can imagine my dread
when they rose up out of the sand around us like lizard-coloured
patches. But our luck was in that day, because they neither killed
us nor treated us badly. All right, we were captured, but once again
my lute got us out of serious trouble. Instead of killing us out of
hand, they invited us to a party! The chieftain, whose name is al-
Rhaiva, spoke a little trade patois, and with my smatterings of Year
6 Klatchian, we were able to communicate well enough. They loaded us
onto a spare camel in exchange for our carpet (I am so very not
getting up in one of those again, ever), gave us a good long drink
of stale water (best drink I ever tasted in my life), and off we
went to...well...another stretch of featureless sand, but they
seemed to know where they were going...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 4, continued on Part 5 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
August 2007 (Volume 10, Issue 8)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No. As a
member of the Klatchian Foreign Legion, you'd only forget them...
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Annie Mac
Editor Emeritus retd): Joseph Schaumburger
News Editor: T.F. (Tiff) Peasey
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn, Paul Blake, Steven D'Aprano
Staff  Technomancer: Jason Parlevliet
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: in hiding
Bard in Residence: Weird Alice Lancrevic
DW Horoscope: Lady Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet, Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1 -- ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS

1) COLOUR OF MAGIC CAST UPDATES
2) MAKING MONEY USA SIGNING DATES
3) MAKING MONEY LONDON SIGNING DATE
4) DISCWORLD JAMBOREE EXCLUSIVE REPORT

====Part 2 -- ...AND MORE...

5) DISCWORLD JAMBOREE ICONOGRAPHS
6) IMAGE OF THE MONTH
7) GUARDS! GUARDS! PODCAST
8) MAKING MAGIC: A GLIMPSE, OR NOT
9) RHIANNA PRATCHETT INTERVIEW
10) THE REAL GRANNY ACHING
11) PROVING ROUNDWORLD IS ROUND
12) ACTION REPLAY 1
13) ACTION REPLAY 2
14) THE GOOD WEBBE GUIDE

====Part 3 -- MAKING MONEY!

15) MAKING MONEY: A REVIEW

====Part 4 -- MAKING MONEY, BU NEWS AND WEIRD ALICE

16) MAKING MONEY: A SILLY REVIEW
17) BUGARUP UNIVERSITY CAMPUS NEWSROUND
18) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

====Part 5 -- WEIRD ALICE'S CLACKS LOG

19) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC, CONTINUED

====Part 6 -- MORE WEIRD ALICE, and HOROSCOPE

20) CLACKS LOG, CONTINUED
21) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

====Part 7 -- HOROSCOPE, and CLOSE

22) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED
23) A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) SO, LIKE, WHO'S PLAYING THE LUGGAGE?

Updated Colour of Magic cast news:

Sean Astin will be playing the role of Twoflower in Mob Films'
forthcoming Colour of Magic production. Astin has been quoted as
saying, "I'm honored to be given the chance to make the part of
Twoflower my own, starring in a fantasy tale that has captured the
imagination of millions of people around the world." With you on
that one, Sean! If we can't have Masi Oka or Jackie Chan, I think
that casting the man who brought Sam Gamgee to life is a stroke of
genius!

Christopher Lee steps into those bony shoes to reprise his role as
the voice of Death. This is excellent news, as Lee is one of the
great masters of SPEAKING LIKE THIS, and acquitted himself so very
marvellously in the animated Soul Music.

Tim Curry takes on Trymon, and I can't think of a better choice...
although now I can't seem to stop humming "I'm just a sweet
transvestite...from Unseen...Universitaaay..." at odd moments...

A recap of the cast list so far:

David Jason: Rincewind
David Bradley: Cohen
Nigel Planer: Arch-Astronomer of Krull
Marnix Van Den Broeke: Death (the body behind the skellington)
Nicholas Tennant: the Librarian (in his pre-ape days)
Laura Haddock: Bethan
Liz May Brice: Herrena the Henna-haired Harridan
James Cosmo: Galder Weatherwax
Karen David: Liessa Dragonlady

According to the Movieweb site, there is still no distributor for
the Colour of Magic miniseries in the USA, although it may be
released as a film in some places:

http://www.movieweb.com/tv/news/43/21543.php

As WOSSNAME has also received a number of enquiries regarding the
lack of an American release of Sky One's Hogfather, it sounds like
it's time for the army of American Discworld fans to spring into
action. Make your voices heard!

From various sources, including Colin Smythe and
http://tinyurl.com/3dncd6

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

2) MAKING MONEY IN AMERICA - PTERRY'S SIGNING TOUR DATES

Roll up, roll up for the Making Money signing tour! Here are the
dates for the American leg of the tour. Bring your books and
remember to let the man have a rest now and then - we need those
hands to create more Discworld books!

Monday, September 24
7:00 PM at BORDERS #86
3700 Torrance Blvd Torrance, CA 90503

Tuesday, September 25
7:30 PM at KEPLER'S BOOKS
STE 200, 1010 El Camino Menlo Park, CA 94025

Wednesday, September 26
7:00 PM at POWELL'S BOOKSTORE
3415 SW Cedar Hills Blvd, Beaverton, OR 97005

Thursday, September 27
7:30 PM at TATTERED COVER BOOK STORE
1628 16th St., Denver, CO 80202

Saturday September 29
Time to be announced
Appearing at the National Book Festival
Sponsored by the Library of Congress
Details to be announced

Sunday, September 30
1:00 PM at CHESTER COUNTY BOOK COMPANY
975 Paoli Pike, West Chester, PA 19380

Monday, October 01
7:00 PM at BARNES & NOBLE/Union Square
33 E 17th St, New York, NY 10003

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

3) PTERRY MAKING MONEY UK SIGNING TOUR DATES: AN ADDITION

When WOSSNAME recently published the Making Money October signing
dates (May 2007, part 2), the details of the London event were
not known. Now they are:

Saturday 13th October
Forbidden Planet Megastore
179 Shaftesbury Avenue, London, WC2H 8JR,
1-2pm.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

4) WANDERING IN WINCANTON: AN EXCLUSIVE WOSSNAME REPORT OF THE 2007
DISCWORLD JAMBOREE

by Auntie Fi

During the wettest summer in Britain for 200 years, The Cunning
Artificer, Bernard Pearson, decided to hold a weekend Discworld
camping event in Wincanton, Somerset. The old sod isn't called
cunning for nothing you know, and must have friends in VERY high
places because after a damp start on Thursday, the sun showed its
face for the first time all summer, liked what it saw and decided
to stay for the weekend.

Thursday passed in a mad whirl of activity; involving bogged-down
vehicles, much wearing of wellies, a river running through the
middle of the catering marquee, sawdust, wood chippings and some
very interesting vocabulary. The highlight of that day for me was
the invention of `Rut Wrangling': teams of brave souls who
shuffled their merry booted way through the catering marquee in an
attempt to level out the ground, swiftly followed by `Spike, Sand
and Soak up the Soggy Bit'. I drifted off to sleep that night
listening to somebody singing Elvis (badly) during a late night
sound check.

Friday dawned and I discovered that it ain't easy to get off an
airbed in a dignified fashion, or get out of a tent for that matter.
People started to arrive thick and fast and unless they could run
away very, very quickly (you'd be surprised how fast a determined
lady on crutches can move) they were roped into setting up badge
activities and a myriad of other things. Old and new friends were
more than happy to oblige and dived in to get things moving.

Terry lost the black fedora for the weekend, donned shorts and
treated us `mature' gels to a sight of his knees (knobbly and
hairy but nice none the less); Stephen Briggs lost his pants
altogether and frisked about in a kilt. I still haven't got round
to asking people seated in the front row during his Maskerade
commentary exactly what Briggsy was wearing under the tartan.

Wessex Birds of Prey Rescue were delighted to introduce Terry,
Bernard, Isobel and Stephen to Hodgesaargh! aka Squeak, the Common
Buzzard (sponsored by The Pearsons). They brought a superb
collection of birds with them and treated us to several displays. A
memorable moment for me was being whooshed by one of these beautiful
creatures, which passed so close I felt its feathers brush my cheek.
Thank goodness I bought several spare changes of underwear.

The Gangshow was a huge success; I loved the Muppet-style puppets of
Bernard and Terry and was delighted when both these gentlemen
decided to replace them for the final scene.

There are still so many wonderful things that happened over the
weekend and they're far too numerous to mention but I'd like to
share this one last memory with you.

Early evening on the Saturday I snuck off for a peaceful fag and a
cuppa. The sun was starting to make its way to bed and the hustle
and the bustle of the day was done and people were starting to form
into loose, friendly little groups; the kids had nearly worn
themselves out and were quietly playing (not a game console in
sight). I looked round at all these happy, contented folk and
thought to myself, maybe we should do this again.

Is it worth it, do you think?

[Editor's note: we certainly do think it is, Fi!]

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, continued on Part 2 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - AUGUST 2007 -- PART 5 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 5 - WEIRD ALICE, CONTINUED

19) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC (PART 2)

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

19) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC, CONTINUED

Our destination was the oasis of Phati D'oun. It's well known among
the D'regs as the Place of Herbs; here can be found the powerful
stimulant qat and the powerful hallucinogen qit. Mixed together,
they're known as qat-qit,  and their effect can keep you up for days
while making you see enough strange visions that you won't even
*think* of the sleep you're losing. Once you've tried qat-qit it's
hard to quit -- one of the common cries of D'reg hunter-gatherer
groups translates as "Have a qat-qit, have a break!" -- and there
was plenty of qat-qit use in evidence at Phati D'oun. As the sun set
redly over the dunes and the baking hot desert day turned to bloody
freezing desert night, we joined in the festivities. Oh boy, did we
join in the festivities. I was designated Other Special Guest (since
there was already a Special Guest, namely the Alchemical Brothers,
from the valley of Great Sand); the masters of ceremonies were the
handsome twins Fahim and Faher, and they accompanied me on camelskin
drums with some pulse-pounding percussion as I played Loose in the
Burnoose, Smells Like Tent Spirit, Camel Chameleon, You Dry Up My
Life, an all-rocking rendition of Deeper and Dune, and an ode to
Seven-Handed Sek, patron god of the Dehydrated Ocean, that I called
Bringing Sek's Sea Back. Cert had got his mojo back by then and used
his Technomancer training to put on a light show; the camels
calculated trajectories and spat out their cuds at high speed, and
Cert turned each cud missile into a ball of sparkling flame that
landed harmlessly on the far side of the oasis. We partied and drank
and watched the dancing houris and ate dates and no, I didn't try
the sheep's eyes. And as the slow desert dawnlight rolled slowly
across the dawn desert, we staggered off to our tents with a slurred
chorus of "I'm going to Great Sand, Great Sand, down in Elharib, I'm
going to Great Sand...proud D'regs our patrons in desert breeze, and
we are going to Great Sand..."

***

On the following day, we, that is to say the D'regs, were attacked
by the Misplaced Tribe of Unreal. I'd believed they were only a
legend, and when they first crested the dunes I thought they were a
leftover hallucination from my qat-qit hangover, but no. The
Misplaced Tribe are descendants of a lost cadre of Klatchian Foreign
Legionnaires who joined the KFL to forget and then forgot they were
in it; now they wander the trackless desert, pillaging passing
caravans and plundering pilgrims on the paths. They were no match
for al-Rhaiva's D'regs though, and the survivors willingly joined
our lads (though not in as, um, unfettered a capacity as ours). They
were led by a pale-skinned, pale-eyed young man called Sojar ibn
Sheri, aka the Lyon of the Dessert (fierce wanderers aren't so good
with the spelling), who thinks he came originally from Ankh-Morpork,
or possibly Muntab, but has long since forgotten. He's quite good
with camels though. The Misplaced Tribe will no doubt continue to
exist -- they can't remember if they were the whole Tribe or if
there were others who forgot to come along.

We pitched our tents on yet another featureless expanse of sand
which, I was told, was near the Djelibeybian border. It seems we can
get transport down the Djel to the Circle Sea. I always did want to
visit Djelibeybi; any nation that lists garlic as one of its primary
exports gets my vote. Remember, my mother's side of the family were
Nugganites...

The story so far, in song:

Travellin' on a flyblown carpet
With a whiffy smell, like Nobby's armpit
I met a D'reg houri in Klatch's service
She mixed me up like a whirling dervish
And she said,

Do you burn from the sand down under?
Hot rash below? - well, no wonder
Do you feel, do you feel quite sundered?
Your tender bum you better keep covered!

Half-dead in a D'regs-filled place is
Even worse by far with no oasis
I said, "Is the coastline that way?"
They just grinned and gave me some scorpion sorbet
And they said,

We run with the sand down under
Where thirst can kill if you blunder
Do you feel, do you feel encumbered?
Beware the sun - you better keep covered!

Flying in a windblown quand'ry
With a sick Imp and no clean laundry
I said to the D'regs, "Let us leave this country
"Because I long for a land that's tent-free!"
And we said,

Sinkin' in the sand down yonder
Where camels plod and D'regs wander
Do you feel like you're bleaching blonder?
You're turning brown, you better seek cover!

***

Second Clog: "Not lost, just cartographically variable"

The Lost City of Ee materialised next to our tent during the night.

This is not as unusual as it sounds. According to the history books
I've read, the Lost City of Ee is a brigadoon, a magickal node of
placeness that disappears and reappears at various places on the
Disc (or sometimes elsewhere in the multiverse). My Mapp placed it
well rimwards of Elharib, but it was published in the Century of the
Fruitbat and is obviously out of date. We were also obviously out of
dates, and thirsty again, so we packed up and set off inside the
strangely carved walls in search of breakfast; we couldn't ask the
D'regs, because every one of them, man, woman camel and prisoner,
had mysteriously disappeared without a trace. So had the inhabitants
of Ee, by the look of it. Everything was covered by a fine layer of
dust -- not all of it desert dust by any means -- and the streets
were paved with very old-looking mud, but the fountains in city
centre were still running and the water was cool and delicious. And
there were fruit trees! With fruit on them! Cert insisted on
muttering a few poison-detecting spells over our "found meal" before
we ate, but they came up clean. I thought I noticed a funny shadow
at the edge of the market square when he was spell-saying, but it
was probably just a heat hallucination, or the last effects of the
qat-qit.

When we were well fruited, I decided to have a bath in the fountain
while Cert explored...after all, there's been a lot of geography
between here and the last bath I had in Genua...and after bath came
nap. By the time I woke up, it was late afternoon and Cert was back.
He'd found some old grimoires (he was well chuffed about that, since
if you remember he'd thrown his own ones overboard just before
Captain Aie's pirates captured us) and some fresh clothes (for a
"probably centuries old, but at least they look like no-one's died
in them" value of "fresh") and a couple of fine-looking ceremonial
daggers (in case anything new and exciting attacks us), but no
people and no food, so we've had some more fruit. He's also found
what he thinks is a collection of sapient pearwood figurines, but
said it was getting dark fast in that part of the city and he'd
rather rest and go back in the morning. We gathered some old
furniture and made a fire because the temperature was dropping
again. I swear the shadows look funny around the edges of the
square. Must be the firelight. But in the end we decided to go back
outside the walls and pitch our tent in the open desert, in case the
city decided to leave with us in it while we were asleep.

We've made a pact to sleep on separate sides of the tent until we
get back to someplace less, well, lost.

On a side note, Gimpy has been acting funny. I've been getting him
to read back my posts before he sends them, and I keep having to
make corrections to the spelling and grammar and sometimes ask him
to delete whole passages he's copied down twice. He says his
processor spell needs a flush. I don't even want to think about what
that entails. Cert says he can fix Gimpy but he needs some
specialist supplies including something I think he called a daemon-
magnitiser and something about a hard drive. But I don't drive my
Imp too hard! Hopefully, the next time we're near someplace vaguely
civilised, we can sort this out.

Tired now. Here endeth this post.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 5, continued on Part 6 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - AUGUST 2007 -- PART 6 OF 7 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 6 - WEIRD ALICE AND HOROSCOPE

20) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC (PART 3)
21) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

20) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC, CONTINUED

***

Third clog: "Necessity is one mean mother"

We went back into the Lost City the following morning, since it was
still there. It's really quite beautiful in a ruined lost city kind
of way, and while I can't say I've been too happy with all the
unexpected changes in my travel itinerary I'm glad I got to see Ee.
The buildings, those that haven't fallen down from extreme age, are
very attractive, with lots of weird carvings that wander behind
corners when you try to look at them, and a number of arch-balconied
courtyards in the Al-Khali style I've seen in travel books. I do
wonder what became of the people though. We examined a number of
buildings, including one that looks like it used to be a library,
but the room with the carved figurines was empty this time; the only
thing left in there was a large statue of what looked like petrified
wood. It was carved or sculpted or whatever in the shape of some sort
of many-armed goddess, not one either of us recognised, with knives
in her hands rather like the knives we were now carrying, and a
huge jewel in the centre of her forehead. Just sitting there. Huge.
Possibly a yellow diamond or an octarine -- although if it was an
octarine, it had to be the largest one ever cut. Huge, and just
sitting there. I climbed up onto the plinth (the wood or stone or
whatever was very warm, considering that the room was dim and not
ever likely to see direct sunlight) and took out my dagger and
started to prise it out of the statue's forehead. As one does. I had
it loose and almost ready to come out when Cert looked up from
reading a grimoire and shouted at me to stop.

"Why? This must be worth a fortune. Or will be, when we get back to
someplace with people and jewellers."

"No! That's some sort of holy statue. You know something horrible
will happen if you remove the jewel! It's a law of narrative
causality!"

"Don't be silly. Cohen the Barbarian does this sort of thing all the
time, they say."

"But you know about the sort of things They say! Something horrible
will happen!"

Huge jewel. Fortune. I decided to ignore him and listen to my inner
avarice. The stone came out very easily after that. It was very
warm. Blood-warm.

Something horrible happened.

***

On run from something horrible. Don't know what, but large and
angry. Dictating on run. City crumbling. Shadows moving. The walls.
The walls. The -- Gimpy! Stop stammering, godsdamn you! Everything
starting to tilt, sort of. Lights ahead - ah, the desert! About to
dive through gates, shutting up now!

***

I'm now dictating in midair. Here's what happened: we made it
through the gates just in time, because immediately afterwards the
whole city started shimmering and wavering and faded out so
completely that it looked as if nothing had ever been
there...except for the shadows. We still had our daggers and Cert
still had a couple of grimoires, but our tent was nowhere to be
found and there was still this feeling of forebodingness in the air.
We walked on for a while, but soon the sun and the heat wore us
right out. "Anything in there that could get us out of this desert?
There must be some way out of here...maybe there's a foldaway
broomstick inside one of the covers..."

"Don't be such a joker," says the man who'd just stolen some
precious ancient books of magick.

There were an awful lot of shadows on the horizon, considering it
was not long past noon.

After a time, during which the shadows kept creeping closer, he did
find a promising spell, which he translated as Fingerpull
Eccluniastes' Instantaneous Troublefree Transporter, and read out
the runes from the ruins in a hurry. There was a flash of light, a
peal of thunder (for effect), a cloud of octarine smoke, and...

"A carpet? A carpet?! I'm not getting on that."
"Suit yourself, if you'd rather be lunch for *that*." I turned in
the direction Cert was pointing, took one look, and here we are on a
flying carpet again. At least it's not too far to Djelibeybi, and
we're both older and wiser.

Over and out.

***

Shortmouth time: Djelibeybi! Safety! Civilisation! Beds! Indoor
plumbing! Food! Markets! Audience tomorrow with Queen Ptraci!

Shopping now. More later. I'm off to buy socks in the souk.

-- Alice.


Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Down Under can
be found at:
http://www.lyricsdomain.com/13/men_at_work/down_under.html
(although this is not a totally correct version - but every other
lyrics page for this song on the anternet seems to make the same
mistakes)

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

21) YOUR NEW - OR OLDE - DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

THOSE WERE THE DAYES

I recently attended an Astrologers' convention, and one of the
prizes I brought home with me is an actual horoscope from the days -
or dayes - of Ago. And what a fascinating document it do be, my dear
Astropossums! These are the times of Signs and Portents, and so,
apparently, were those. According to my calculations, the Turtle was
well and truly moving, no doubt toward the Red Star as it does every
more-than-a-few centuries, so the people were more at unrest than
usual and more than ever in need of advice from the Stars. I find
this strangely comforting...and strangely lucrative, for those of us
in certain professions. Or Profeffions. The following Horoscope,
which I have faithfully reproduced here, is of course written in
lower middle Middle Morporkian, but if you wade your way through the
extra vowels and the creative spelling and the random permutations
of the letter S, you'll find that people of Ago and their zodiacal
concerns are pretty much the same as those of Now. The more things
change, eh? It is also rather A-M centric, but this is unsurprising,
as in the days of Ago your average Astrologer knew on which side her
profit sheet was buttered, and few Forn customers were likely to pay
well. Enjoy.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ye Celestial Parsnippe  21 Mar - 20 Apr

Thys will bee a good Monthe for Diverf actyvities around ye Home.
Forget not ye bowle of poisoned Milke for ye Faerys every Octeday.
An handsome Tradefman will call upon thee on ye 18th; an you would
avoid severe Illneff, buye notte his Saufages inna Bunne.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, ye Vase of Tulipf  21 Apr - 21 May

For ye Keepers of Innes, ye thirde Weeke be a good tyme to change
that Troll's head on ye pubbe Sign. An awefull Fyre in Morporke art
predicted for ye 9th; save tyme by knocking downe ye Ankh bridges
now. Gahoolie favourf any Betrothal made in the dark of thys
Monthe's Moon, but promife not marriage to wall-eyed Dames lest they
bee borne under Wezen.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ye Two Fatte Coufins  22 May - 21 Jun

A goode Monthe for War with Klatch. Beware ye Poxe; stocke uppe on
powdered Duck, Leeches and Quickfilver. Husband welle thy
Houfekeepinge, for difficult Tymes threaten when thee Beard of Io
neareth ye Cusp of Mubboe. Avoid Bleedinges until ye 27th.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ye Knotted Stringe  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Plague doth continue, efpecially in Short Street and its surroundes;
place all blame upon thatte Hublandish famylie and avoid ye Companie
of thofe Urchins which playeth dead rat Conkers. At fulle Moon,
sacrifice with generositye to Seffifet. Wear not aught of ye colour
Blewe until ye nexte new Moon.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ye Perhapf Gayte   23 Jul - 23 Aug

A goode Monthe for War upon Sto Lat. Beware exploding Alchemystes
and pine-applef. Weeke of 7th art auspicious for baking of ye early
Hogfwatch caykes. Thirde Octeday bringeth wellcome relief from ye
Poxe, but alfo bringeth unwanted Relatives; freshen thy door Lockes
and inveft in repellynt Potions.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo, ye Hyaena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

A goode Monthe for War upon Llamedos. Change Newtes in ye Welle. Ye
seconde Weeke bee a good Tyme for ye Practife of Morris dancef. An
Wyzard attempting Promotion goeth badly wronge; avoid ye Landes near
ye College of Wyzards lest ye be turned into a Bowl of sour Cherrys.
Butter will notte churn upon ye 20th; blame thatte Hublandish
famylie.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 6, continued on Part 7 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

Er. Um. Oops. For those of you who are wondering why you suddenly
received parts of the August issue of WOSSNAME under the title of
WOSSNAME -- JULY, you're not really having a reannuals hangover! I hit
the wrong title button and didn't realise it until six of the seven
parts had gone off into the aether.

The situation has now been rectified and properly titled pages have
been sent out. My apologies for any confusion this may have caused...

-- Annie Mac, your embarrassed Editor

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Leg-, LANCRE WITCHES
September 2007 (Volume 10, Issue 9)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of THE YOUNG WITCHES OF
LANCRE! BUT WE'LL LET YOU READ IT ANYWAY. And so can the Klatchian
Foreign Legion. Because we're public-spirited and very considerate,
never mind what Mistress Weatherwax says. Are you a member? WELL,
OBVIOUSLY NOT, BECAUSE *WE'RE* THE MEMBERS. Are there any dues? Not
exactly, but we do appreciate old clothes, willow branches for hat-
making, broom bristles, and any cured meats or goat milk or pickled
eggs you happen to have going spare. SUPPORT YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD
WITCH! OR ELSE!
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Annagramma Hawkin
Assistant to the Editor in Chief: Tiffany Aching (by permission of
the Editor in Chief)
News Editor: Petulia Gristle
Staff Writers: Dimity Hubbub, Caramella Bottlethwaite, Gertruder
Tiring, Lulu Darling
Convention Reporter: Magenta-who's-really-Violet Frottidge
Staff Technomancer: We don't hold with staffs! Or technomancy. Hah!
Book Reviews: Tiffany Aching (well, she reads a lot of books)
Puzzle Editor: Agnes Nitt
Assistant Puzzle Editor: Perdita X. Nitt
Bard in Residence: Weird Alice Lancrevic (Mrs Gogol likes her)
DW Horoscope: Diamanda, oh all right, Lucy, Tockley
Emergency Staff: Mrs G. Ogg, HRH Magrat de Lancre
Art Director: Harrieta Bilk (even though she squints)
World Membership Director: Lucy Warbeck (after all she *is* a
Witchfinder in Training), assisted by Miss Perspicacia Tick (after
all, she's a Witchfinder General even if she's totally not young)
Webmaster: Amanita DeVice (good with spiders)
Copyright 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1 -- ALL THE NEWS WHICH WITCHILY FITS

1) QUOTE OF THE MONTH
2) LETTER FROM YOUR EDITOR: YOUNG WITCHES GO FOR IT!
3) COLOUR OF MAGIC: OFFICIAL WEB SITE
4) MAKING MONEY SIGNING TOUR: A REMINDER
5) PTERRY'S CHELTENHAM Q&A
6) MASKERADE IN FELIXSTOWE
7) MAKING MONEY: MAKING POETRY

====Part 2 -- MORE NEWTS, I MEAN, NEWS

8) GUARDS! GUARDS! IN ADELAIDE
9) THE TURTLE MOVES: 2009 NORTH AMERICAN DISCWORLD CONVENTION
10) MAKING MONEY: ICONOGRAPH CHALLENGE
11) IMAGE OF THE MONTH: DAVID JASON AS RINCEWIND
12) EUAN MACRAE: FAREWELL TO A VERY IMPORTANT FAN
13) THE PRATCHETT BIBLIOGRAPHY
14) JAMES NICOLL ATE'NT DEAD
15) AN INTERESTING ITEM ABOUT PINS
16) THE GOOD WEBBE GUIDE

====Part 3 -- OFFICIAL AND OFFICIALLY UNOFFICIAL NEWS

17) IT'S OFFICIAL! MAKING MONEY IS A BESTSELLER!
18) UNOFFICIAL COMPANION PRESS RELEASE!
19) UNOFFICIAL COMPANION PRESS RELEASE COMPANION!
20) SPEAKING OF PUBLISHERS: REAL IS DE WORDE

====Part 4 -- WIT AND WITCHDOM

21) LEARNING TO SPELL
22) THE CHILDREN OF ARTEMIS

====Part 5 -- WITCHERY AND WIZARD-MEETINGS

23) WITCH TRIALS IN ROUNDWORLD
24) AROUND THE BUGARUP CAMPUS

====Part 6 -- Part 5 - MORE WITCHERY

25) MULTIPLE CHOICE WHICH WITCH QUIZ
26) MOSTLY HERBS

====Part 7 -- WITCHSTROLOGY

27) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

====Part 8 -- WEIRD ALICE, BOOK REVIEW AND CLOSE

28) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC
29) REVIEW: THE WIT AND WISDOM OF DISCWORLD
30) FAREWELL, AND BLESSED BE

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) QUOTE OF THE MONTH

"Look, just because a woman's got no teeth doesn't mean that she's
wise. It might just mean she's been stupid for a very long time."
-- Tiffany Aching

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

2) EDITORIAL: THE POINTY HAT HAS SPOKEN

Blessings be upon this community!

We have had an interesting year up in the mountains, but now that
the harvest season is coming to a close there's been a bit of slack
time, so I have been able to turn my thoughts away from rustic
business and back to *proper* magick. At last week's coven meeting I
showed my girls a literally impressive dimension-changing spell and
they were literally amazed and here we are! And I am quite pleased
to see that the right sort of witching is so popular here -- I went
to a magick shop yesterday and could hardly move for all the
crystals and wands and sacred amulets around the place! And even the
silly little shop assistant with the squint knew about drawing on
the Powers of the Elements and calling the Corners of the Earth and
all those useful things Mrs Earwig taught me back when I needed a
little bit of training, and also she had some tattoos that were
literally amazing and even drawn in real permanent ink. The shop-
girl, that is, not Mrs Earwig. Speaking of Mrs Earwig, I think she
sells herself short because she doesn't know any of the aspects of
practical witching, which I do of course, but then again it is only
right that the pupil should surpass the teacher. Can you imagine her
with her hand up a pig's backside at four o'clock in the morning? I
should think not! Mrs Earwig, that is, not the shop-girl. Who knew
quite a lot about chants for natural births and crystal therapy, by
the way.

But I'm sure you all want to know more about me: my steading is
going fantastically well now that I have a Reputation and people are
literally terrified of me. I used to have the girl Tiffany Aching up
to do chores for me, but now she's taken with her sheep-witching so
I have shouldered the burden myself. That's what the Craft is about,
after all, dealing with those unpleasant little duties on behalf of
the lesser people. And getting them to do the duties for you. I must
say that my local charges show me proper respect for this, and they
are also good for free publicity. Publicity is very important for a
witch. I won't say more about that though, because the secrets of
the Craft are, well, secret, although if you come up next week to
move my dunny shed I might be persuaded to tell you just a little.
For a consideration.

Anyway, we've a little time still before the spell literally runs
out of, what was that word the shop-girl used, batteries I think, so
let me present my coven who are doing a nearly satisfactory job. Oh,
they've already put their names at the top? Well, that will be more
than sufficient. I decided to let the Aching girl do the actual
editing and Clacks-setting because she's good at books, I suppose
someone has to be, and the pig-witch gets to be the assistant
assistant because somebody has to make the tea.

I expect all you readers to enjoy this issue, because it is
literally the best one ever. Remember, support your neighbourhood
witch! Blessed be.

-- Annagramma Hawkin, Editor in chief, literally

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

3) COLOUR OF MAGIC OFFICIAL WEBBE SITE!

http://www.skyoneonline.co.uk/tcom/

"The Colour of Magics' universe is also more ambitious in its
breadth, with the production team determined to bring an even richer
Discworld to Sky One screens, with increased production values and
ground-breaking CGI work."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

4) MAKING MONEY SIGNING TOUR IN USA -- FINAL DATES REMINDER

Wednesday, September 26
07:00 PM
Terry Pratchett will be promoting Making Money
POWELL'S BOOKSTORE
3415 SW Cedar Hills Blvd Beaverton, OR 97005
Thursday, September 27
07:30 PM
Terry Pratchett will be promoting Making Money
TATTERED COVER BOOK STORE
1628 16th St. Denver, CO 80202

Saturday September 29
Time TK
Terry Pratchett will be on the Mall in Washington DC
Appearing at the National Book Festival
Sponsored by the Library of Congress
Details TK
Sunday, September 30
01:00 PM
Terry Pratchett will be promoting Making Money
CHESTER COUNTY BOOK COMPANY
975 Paoli Pike West Chester, PA 19380
Monday, October 01
07:00 PM
Terry Pratchett will be promoting Making Money
BARNES & NOBLE/Union Square
33 E 17th ST New York, NY 10003

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

5) PTERRY Q&A AT CHELTENHAM

from http://pratchettnews.vox.com/

The Cheltenham Literature Festival will include an hour-long session
with Terry Pratchett on the 6th of October. The event, to take place
at Everyman Theatre, will be "a celebration of nearly 25 years of
magical fantasy as he reveals the secret of his success,"
according to the website (see below). To reserve your seat:

http://www.cheltenhamfestivals.com/whats_on/event_detail.html?id=
1574

or http://tinyurl.com/2n3h3e

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

6) MASKERADE IN FELIXSTOWE

An announcement from Esmi [Good name, that -- T.A.]:

The Felixstowe Amateur Dramatic and Operatic Society (FADOS) present
Maskerade.

The Society are celebrating their 60th anniversary with this
production  and will be bringing together their adult group and
their youth group  for the occasion.

Dates: Nov 29th & 30th, plus Dec 1st 2007
Venue: The Spa Pavilion Theatre, Felixstowe, Suffolk
Theatre Box Office: 01394 282126

Felixstowe is a seaside resort town with the Theatre itself on the
seafront. A list of bed & breakfast accommodations can be provided
by the  Society, if required. Please see the FADOS web site for
further details:

http://fados.co.uk/

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

7) 'MAKING MONEY' MAKES ACCIDENTAL POETRY

HarperCollins has a promotional text extract from Making Money,
available online. The page also features the chapter titles,
printed in this fashion:

Waiting in darkness
A bargain sealed
The hanging man
Golem with a blue dress on
Crime and punishment
A chance to make real money
The chain of goldish
No unkindness to bears
Mr. Bent keeps time

What a fascinating piece of blank verse!

http://tinyurl.com/35nhfv

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, continued on Part 2 of 8.
If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 2 OF 8 (continued)
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====Part  2 - MORE NEWS AND THE SUCH

8) GUARDS! GUARDS! IN ADELAIDE
9) THE TURTLE MOVES: 2009 NORTH AMERICAN DISCWORLD CONVENTION
10) MAKING MONEY: ICONOGRAPH CHALLENGE
11) IMAGE OF THE MONTH: DAVID JASON AS RINCEWIND
12) EUAN MACRAE: FAREWELL TO A VERY IMPORTANT FAN
13) THE PRATCHETT BIBLIOGRAPHY
14) JAMES NICOLL ATE'NT DEAD
15) AN INTERESTING ITEM ABOUT PINS
16) THE GOOD WEBBE GUIDE

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8) GUARDS! GUARDS! IN ADELAIDE

Forget about "Back to the Future" -- Unseen Theatre Company has more
exciting things to do. It's going "Back to the Past'. That's right,
back to the first Pratchett play it ever produced at the Bakehouse
Theatre eight years ago. Back to the most infamous city in the
"multiverse" - Ankh-Morpork. Back to the origins of Sam Vimes, the
City Watch and "Cut Me Own Throat" Dibbler.

Who said "Let There Be Dragons?" Well, whoever it was should not
have mentioned it in front of Unseen's Artistic Director, Pamela
Munt. She tends to take people rather literally. (A bit like someone
else we know who made his first appearance in Ankh-Morpork eight
years ago).

Guards! Guards! Has all the ingredients of an hilarious mediaeval
fantasy for grown-ups filled with magic, beasts, warriors and dwarfs
as well as the struggle for power between a self-appointed Patrician
and a possible heir to the throne.

Hidden only slightly beneath the surface (mainly by The Elucidated
Brethren of Ebon Night, with their dubious passwords, borrowed magic
and secret handshakes), is Pratchett's political parody of our own
world. The battle for power is on! The City Watch is fighting for
"Truth, Justice and the Ankh-Morporkian Way" aided by Lady Ramkin,
and her small swamp dragon.

WHERE: Bakehouse Theatre, 255 Angas Street, Adelaide.

WHEN: Preview Friday Oct 12, Opening Night Sat. Oct 13.
Then  October 17 to 27 (Wed. to Sat) All shows at 8pm.

TIX: Adults $18, Concession $15, Fringe Benefits $15, Groups (10+)
$12 Free Tix Night for Health Care Card Holders Friday Oct 12.

BOOKINGS: 82270505 or book@...

To view the Unseen Theatre Company's poster for Guards! Guards!:

http://tinyurl.com/365qru

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

9) THE TURTLE MOVES! IN 2009!

Time for Muntabians, I mean Americans and Canadians, to mark their
calendars for a wonderful future event: the first North American
Discworld Convention, starring none other than the Man in the Hat
himself! The NADWCON folks will be distributing flyers at all
Pterry's American dates on his Making Money signing tour; for the
rest of you, here is the online version:

http://www.nadwcon.org/Graphics/TurtleFlyerJPEG.jpg

More information about guests and events for NADWCON will go up on
their site as the months pass, so be sure to drop into
www.nadwcon.org now and then for updates. WOSSNAME wishes the
convention organisers every success, especially as they include a
former member of our staff, the redoubtable Anna M. Conina. Move
with the times! Move with the turtle! Save the elephants, save the
world!

[Editor's note: oh, a convention about us! How very nice. Make sure
that there are plenty of witches in evidence.]

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

10) MAKING ICONOGRAPHS!

The website Moist Makes Money is offering an interesting way for you
to spend a bit of your time: the Making Money photograph challenge,
in which those of you who have your nice new copy in your Discworld
collection can "take and post a photograph of your copy of Making
Money -- or any Discworld book(s) -- in a creative way."

http://www.moistmakesmoney.com/index.cgi

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

11) GETTING INTO THE ROLE: DAVID JASON AS RINCEWIND

Well, there has certainly been a huge amount of comment generated by
the announcement of Sir David Jason playing Rincewind in the
forthcoming Colour of Magic telefilm. Here's a link to a picture of
Del, I mean, Sir David, taking an on-set break from filming. He may
be rather a lot older than the Rincewind of the original novel, but
he's got the haggard and haunted look down nicely:

http://tinyurl.com/3dswzx

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

12) A BITTERSWEET WISH

Euan Macrae, a bright young Scottish Discworld fan who had read all
Pterry's books, died of cancer on 2nd September 2007. During his
illness,thanks to the kindness of The Author and the Make-a-Wish
Foundation, Euan was able to realise his fondest dream: he was
Pterry's special guest at the 2006 Discworld convention and had the
time of his life.

Euan died at the mere age of sixteen -- the same age at which Mort
became Death's apprentice. Let's hope that Death Himself made the
trip across the multiverse to make this special collection, and that
perhaps He's ready to take on another apprentice; Euan Macrae would
certainly know the territory. WOSSNAME offers its condolences to his
family and its thanks to Pterry for making a young fan's dreams come
true.

http://www.pjsmprints.co.uk/news/

The full story can be found at http://tinyurl.com/3a6a5c

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

13) ROUNDWORLD'S OWN L-SPACE PRESENTS: THE PRATCHETT BIBLIOGRAPHY

Terry Pratchett Bibliography, by ppint
(with brief indication of what information is in which part)

part one: The Discworld Novels

http://www.i-m-t.demon.co.uk/afp/biblio1.txt
http://www.i-m-t.demon.co.uk/afp/biblio1.zip

part two: Non-Discworld Novels, Shorter Fiction, Non-Fiction and
books & maps, etc. of associational interest

http://www.i-m-t.demon.co.uk/afp/biblio2.txt
http://www.i-m-t.demon.co.uk/afp/biblio2.zip

part three: Foreign Language Editions

http://www.i-m-t.demon.co.uk/afp/biblio3.txt
http://www.i-m-t.demon.co.uk/afp/biblio3.zip

source: http://tinyurl.com/2kvw2v

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

14) CORRECTION: JAMES NICOLL ATE'NT DEAD!

Last month's Bugarup Campus newsround included the following item:

Libwolf the BU Librarian quoted the following in his sig-line: "The
problem with defending the purity of the English language is that
the English language is as pure as a crib-house whore. It not only
borrows words from other languages; it has on occasion chased other
languages down dark alley-ways, clubbed them unconscious and rifled
their pockets for new vocabulary."~ James Nicoll, 1846-1918

Reader Tamar was somewhat surprised:
The statement was by James Nicoll, but what's this about
"1846-1918"? He's still alive and living in Canada, last I heard.
Google for "James Nicoll" and bizarre accidents - there's a list of
the ones he has posted about, and somewhere in there he mentions his
statement about English.  He also sells t-shirts (many others sell
variations of what he wrote on t-shirts, but his have what he
actually wrote).

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

15) ASK HIM ABOUT PINS, HE'S A DOCTOR

by Mad Meg Mogg

I recently discovered a report of an unusual medical case, which
will be of interest to Discworld readers.

'...A curious symptom and one of great value is this: "fixed ideas:
the patient thinks only of pins, fears them, searches for them, and
counts them carefully."  This symptom enabled me to make a rapid
cure of post-influenzal insanity in the case of a man of bad family
history...The patient's wife told me one morning that he had "been
looking everywhere for pins." Sil.30 rapidly put an end to the
search and restored the patient to his senses.'

This sounds like something from the library of research notebooks in
Goodie Whemper/Magrat/Agnes' cottage, don't you think?

The reference is Clarke, John Henry, MD: 'A Dictionary of Practical
Materia Medica,' Vol 3, Indian Books and Periodicals Publishers, New
Delhi, no year of publication recorded but it appears to be a
reprint of the original Indian edition dating back to 1902.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

16) THE GOOD WEBBE GUIDE

Matt Smith is an unofficial but dedicated Discworld artist. His
character images can be found here, with links on the page to other
character and images:

http://wiki.lspace.org/wiki/Images

---

A very good review of Making Money:

http://badgerherald.com/artsetc/2007/09/19/discworld_still_in_g.php

---

American readers might be interested in this site, which offers UK-
only books with free shipping to the USA:

http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/WEBSITE/WWW/WEBPAGES/homepage.php

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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2 -- continued on Part 3 of 8.
If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 3 OF 8 (continued)
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====Part  3 - OFFICIAL AND OFFICIALLY UNOFFICIAL NEWS

17) IT'S OFFICIAL! MAKING MONEY IS A BESTSELLER!
18) UNOFFICIAL COMPANION PRESS RELEASE
19) UNOFFICIAL COMPANION PRESS RELEASE COMPANION!
20) SPEAKING OF PUBLISHERS: REAL IS DE WORDE

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

17) MAKING MONEY: NUMBER ONE WITH A BANKNOTE

Making Money takes the #1 spot on the London Times list on Sunday
30th September! And in the USA, Making Money will debut at #4 on the
New York Times Hardcover Fiction Bestseller List for 17th October.

Making Money also stands on the following lists:

USA Today (27/9/2007): #3 in hardcover fiction (#34 on the composite
list of all fiction and nonfiction).

Book Sense National Hardcover Fiction: #8

Making Money is also now on seven of the eight regional Book Sense
(independent) lists.

Keep them tills a-ringing!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

18) PRESS RELEASE: THE NEW UNOFFICIAL PTERRY COMPANION

What links a launch party in the carpet department of  Heal's
Department Store, a writer who chose The Chrysler Building as his
luxury on Desert Island Discs, and a Fantasy world that has led to
40 million books being sold worldwide in 33 languages? The answer,
of course, is Terry Pratchett.

As the number two living British novelist in terms of sales (second
only to J.K. Rowling), Terry Pratchett has produced a huge
outpouring of novels – from the enormously successful, bestselling
Discworld series, to the Tiffany Aching and Amazing Maurice book for
children, and the much loved Johnny Maxwell books, and Bromeliad
Trilogy – as well as graphic novels and short stories.

But despite huge acclaim from adoring fans, and an OBE for services
to literature awarded to Pratchett in 1998, the fact that his genre
is fantasy – and comic fantasy to boot – has led some reviewers
to be rather dismissive of his work, overlooking the interesting
ideas of a writer with much to say about contemporary life and
society.

A new book, An Unofficial Companion to the Novels of Terry
Pratchett, puts all that to rights. The Companion reveals a writer
of great complexity, one whose rich work raises important issues
about the real world set within a fantasy/comic environment. For
example, seen in the light of the events of 9/11, the notion of who
the hero is (in The Last Hero) takes on a whole new significance.
Is it the professional hero, the obvious or oblivious hero, or the
person who just wants to run away? Who really is the last hero?

An Unofficial Companion is a fans' guide to everything Terry
Pratchett has ever written. It contains plot lines and characters,
articles on key themes and discussions of artwork, television
adaptations, and his collaborative work with people such as Gray
Jolliffe, Neil Gaiman, and Ian Stewart. Perhaps more importantly, as
well as celebrating the inventiveness of Pratchett's work, the
book also analyses the underlying meanings. Entries on Fantasy,
Science Fiction, Fairy Tales and many others discuss the scientific,
social and philosophical ideas underpinning Pratchett's
narratives, highlighting his importance as a writer capable of
engaging with complex themes from science to sexuality.

Written with humour and a light touch – and containing
unbelievable amounts of detail! - An Unofficial Companion is the
definitive companion to Terry Pratchett's work. It will be
essential reading for all Pratchett fans and for everyone who wants
to both explore the allusions of his novels and appreciate the rich
complexity of the writings of one of the world's greatest
novelists.

An Unofficial Companion to the Novels of Terry Pratchett
Andrew M. Butler and others
978-1-84645-001-3 hardback £25.00 * 978-1-84645-001-3 paperback
£13.99
Publication 22 November 2007

For more information, please contact Sue Miller, Oxford Creative
Marketing, on Tel: 01865 861669, or email:
sue.miller@...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

19) OFFICIALLY UNOFFICIALLY SPEAKING...

An Official Companion to an Unofficial Companion
by Andrew M. Butler

One bright spring day a couple of years ago, Simon Mason at
Greenwood Press invited me to edit An Unofficial Companion to the
Novels of Terry Pratchett. Of course, there was already a companion
on the market, the work of Stephen Briggs and Pratchett himself, but
that was a few years out of date at the time. Obviously there was no
point in just rewriting this – and not just for copyright reasons.
I thought that the net needed to be cast wider to include the
children's books and his collaborations, not to mention the books
he wrote before the Discworld. Then there all were the short
stories.

Drawing up the list of entries, I realised that we could not deal
with every single character, so I boiled it down to major
protagonists and a number of recurring ones. Rincewind and Twoflower
had to be included, and the Librarian, the witches (two maidens, the
mother and the other one), the City Watch, a selection of the
Wizards... I wanted an entry on each of the novels, to act as a kind
of central thread through the Companion, as well as the comic books
and television adaptations and plays and soundtracks and... Each of
these needed entries. And both Simon Mason and I wanted juicier,
meatier, longer essays as well – not just on groups of novels, but
on themes: Pratchett says things about sexism, feminism, racism and
politics which are worth examining.

In thinking through the potential entries, I become aware that
Pratchett's fictional worlds exist within a real world. (Well,
real-ish). There are other fantasy novels, other comedies, other
children's books. And whilst I could not hope to explain every
single reference, he parodies or references pop music, plays, films,
operas, musicals and a myriad other aspects of pop culture. I began
to think of these as examples of white knowledge – probably
misusing Pratchett's own term for stuff you know without ever
actually really learning it.

In putting the book together, I had two main problems – the fact
that Pratchett kept producing new stuff and that I had to find ways
of cramming more information in without the book bursting at the
seams. I think there's probably enough material to fill a book
four times the size – and I just read an article on Pratchett's
novels which got me thinking we could also have had entries on this
and that and this. That way lies madness, of course. Or a second
edition. Which might be the same thing.

But in the meantime here's a companion to the novels of Terry
Pratchett and beyond. We hope that it's something you'd give to
someone who is only just starting their journey through the
Discworld as a guide, or that if you've read everything, there's
something that will inspire you to go back and read the novels in a
new light. I know it did for me, and I just reread everything.

Editor's note: you can pre-order your copy at:

http://www.greenwood.com/catalog/GWP001.aspx

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

19) A REAL-LIFE WILLIAM DE WORDE...OR DIBBLER?

Irvin S Cobb, journalist, writing about Charley Chapin, editor of
the New York Evening World during the 1920s:

'His idol, and the only one he worshiped except his own conceitful
image, was the inky-nosed, nine-eyed, clay-footed god called News...

'Chapin had dealt with flaring headlines so long that automatically
he thought in headlines and unconsciously spoke in headlines.
"Barton Currie," with the rubber transmitter still at his ear he
would call across the city room, "take Johnny Haggerty off booth
number two. 'Tiny Tot With Penny Clutched In Chubby Hand Dies Under
Tram Before Mother's Eyes!' Rush along three sticks of it, will you,
and make it snappy, Barton? We need something to brighten up the
front page of the Home Edition with."

'Without any affectation, he dealt conversationally in such copy-
reader's stand-bys as "Probe", "Foe", "Rift", "Fray" and "Slay",
"Dragnet", "Prey"  and "Rack" and "Pact." Quite seriously he told me
he rather liked a certain popular murderess of the moment because
she had a nice short name, one that would fit into almost any top
caption.'

quoted from Exit Laughing, pp. 119, 140. Published in 1941 by
Bobbs, Merrill & Co.

originally posted at alt.books.pratchett by Shalom Septimus

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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 3 -- continued on Part 4 of 8.
If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 4 OF 8 (continued)
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====Part 3 - ALL WITCHERY, ALL THE TIME

21) LEARNING TO SPELL
22) THE CHILDREN OF ARTEMIS

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21) LEARNING TO SPELL

by Gytha Fiona

For those of you interested in trying out some simple Roundworld
witchery, here are a few basic spells.

Three Red Leaves Spell:

This spell is used to protect the mind against things such as
nightmares, negative thoughts and 'invasions of evil'. First you
must gather three red leaves from any tree, plant or bush. Lay them
in a triangle on a flat surface. In the centre of the leaves, place
an already lighted candle, and place a few drops of chrysanthemum
oil on each leaf. Say this incantation three times: 'Red leaves,
gift from earth, Birth to death and death to birth, Keep all evil
far away, Day to night and night to day.' Then extinguish the
candle, and wrap the leaves in a white cloth or pouch. Place this
near your bed within three feet of your head and it will stop all
nightmares and negative thoughts.

Home Protection Spell:

Rowan is a tree of the Goddess and Faery realm. Take some rowan
berries (fresh or dried) and place in a small bag with some red
thread and salt then fix over the door, chanting the spell. Rowan
berries are red (a lucky colour and wards of enchantment) with a
tiny five-pointed star opposite its stalk (the pentagram being an
ancient protective symbol): 'By magic moon and pagan spell,
Blessings be upon where I dwell. By rowan berry and red thread, May
it be as this spell that I have read.'

Spell for Cleansing the body of Negative Energy:

1 White Candle – representative of positive energy
1 Black Candle – representative of negative energy
1 Green Candle – representative of healing

Clear your mind and light the white candle. Say the following
incantation: 'Mother Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Spirit,I ask thee
to cleanse my body of all negative energies.' Light the black candle
and say the same thing. After this light the green candle and say
the following incantation: 'Mother Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and
Spirit, I ask thee to free and heal my body from all negative
forces. Blessed be!' Sit back, and keep your mind clear for fifteen
minutes. After this you should feel renewed and fresh.

Simple Love Spell:

On your altar, or coffee table if you don't have one, place one
red candle and one white candle. Make sure you have a cauldron, or
other fireproof container to which you've added some sand. (It
helps absorb the heat) On a piece of parchment or fine writing
paper, write down the qualities of the person that you'd like to
have come into your life. The colour of ink doesn't matter,
although you could use red or pink if you have it. (Keeps with the
theme if coloured ink is used) When you're finished writing,
concentrate on the words and try to envision how this person makes
you feel, the things you'd like to do together, and allow yourself
to feel happy. You should feel happy, you're creating something
wonderful to look forward to! When you're ready, light the piece
of paper from both candles and say something like: 'I ask that the
Gods/Universe send to me this person I desire, I may not yet know
their face or name, Still I know they're out there, And they're
looking for me just the same.' Put the paper into the fireproof
container, clear up your space, and then just relax...

Money Spells:

You can use either a green or a gold candle for this; the choice is
up to you. Also needed is a piece of parchment, a pen with green
ink, and a fireproof container. Some cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg
incense should be burning; don't worry, it smells amazing. Write
down the amount that you need in green ink. Now, either draw a green
box around it, or as I did, start tracing little swirls with the
pen...like when you're doodling. Keep moving the pen in little
circles around and around the amount; it will become hypnotic after
awhile. This is a good thing. While drawing, chant something like:
'Money for this bill I need, Nothing more, I have no greed.' Keep
chanting and doodling until you feel like you've established some
sort of connection; this is usually when you've put yourself in a
sort of trance. It's all good, don't be afraid if you feel your
body 'humming'. When you're ready, take the paper and light it
from the candle, drop it into the container and wait till it stops.
Then take the ashes outside and cast them into the air saying:
'This is my will So Mote it Be!' Within a week you should have
results; if not, repeat once a week until results happen. Good
magic takes time and practice.

Protection Spells:

This is mainly for your home, to keep out negative influences and
people. Believe me when I say 'people'. If you put enough energy
and intent behind this spell, people who annoy you or come over to
be negative will find being at your front door, and your home, an
uncomfortable experience indeed.

Use a black candle for this, and some sea salt. First of all, if you
can that is, sprinkle a fine line of salt on every window sill and
door frame of your house from the outside. If this is a bit too
difficult, you can do it inside; just don't forget why the salt is
there and sweep it up by accident. Salt purifies, which is good for
repelling negative forces. While sprinkling, say something like:
'Sacred Salt protect this house, Keep it safe from thug and louse
Protect all those who dwell inside, Negative forces have no place
to hide.' When you're finished sprinkling, come back inside, light
the black candle and sprinkle a circle of salt around it and say
something like: 'Sacred Candle, Sacred Flame Protect this household
in your name.' Keep chanting this again until you feel like you've
made a 'connection'. When you're finished, snuff out the candle
and say: 'This is my will, so mote it be!' It's important to mention
here that one should never blow out a candle. Either use a snuffer,
moist fingertips, or allow it go burn out. Blowing out a candle
scatters the Fire and Air energies that you've worked so hard to
focus together. It sort of instantly undoes all the work you've
just done.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

22) THE CHILDREN OF ARTEMIS

by Gytha Fiona

Back in the November of 2005 my good self and a mate decided to have
a day out and attend Witchfest being held in Croydon. It's a regular
Wicca and witchcraft themed festival and conference, run by The
Children of Artemis. We'd not been to Croydon before so when we set
off we weren't exactly sure where we were going. As it turned out we
found the place with no trouble, we just followed the Goths!

Never in my life have I seen so many people dressed in black, red
and purple and such a plethora of heavy black eyeliner. My initial
thought was that it should have been renamed Gothfest...until I met
the real witches. Now, contrary to popular opinion, not all witches
are toothless old hags covered in hairy warts with a penchant for a
good ole cackle and an obligatory black cat with yellow eyes. Dearie
me, no! Some of them weren't even women.

Anyway in we walked and guess who we bumped into? Yup, you've
guessed right, Mr Pratchett himself surrounded by fans. We waved
frantically until he saw us, got our hellos returned and were
politely asked if we were stalking him, which of course we were.
That out of the way, we toddled off to explore. The place was
stuffed from top to bottom with stalls selling beautiful clothes and
jewellery, herbs, crystals, candles and loads of other delightful
stuff; a window-shopper's dream and my bank manager's worst
nightmare.

Now I would hate to cause offence to anyone by categorising them, so
I hope I don't, but over the day it seemed to me that event goers
could be put into a couple of groups. There were people like myself
and me mate that had gone out of curiosity and because Terry was
going, there were people that when they grew up will probably look
back at pictures of themselves and cringe, and then there were the
real witches. Let me explain.

I discovered that The Children of Artemis is a UK-based religious
organisation who follow a deceptively simple positive morality: "An
it harm none, do what you will". It's a code that encourages you to
think about the effect your actions have on others. You are
responsible for the consequences of anything that you do, whether
good or bad and it seems like a damn fine way to live your life.

I was looking for something nice for my little sister while we
there, she has learning difficulties and had been diagnosed with
breast cancer a few days before. I'm a pretty chatty, open person
and got into conversation with a few of the stallholders. A
surprisingly large number of them on learning my sister's plight
asked if I had a picture of her and could give them a rough idea of
where she lived. I have to say I was initially suspicious of their
motives until I discovered why they were asking. They needed those
details to hold remote blessings for her. They did it for free and
didn't try to sell me anything. Those good and caring people were,
methinks, the real witches.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 4, continued on Part 5 of 8.
If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 5 OF 8 (continued)
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====Part 5 -

23) WITCH TRIALS IN ROUNDWORLD
24) AROUND THE BUGARUP CAMPUS

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

23) ROUNDWORLD REPORT: THE OTHER SORT OF WITCH TRIALS

by Drusilla D'Afanguin

As recently as the 1930s, anti-witchcraft laws were still in effect
in Britain; it was not until 1951 that the last of these was
repealed, ending a period of terrible tortures and witch hunts that
went back deep into mediaeval times.

In the deeply religion-influenced society of mediaeval Europe,
witchcraft was considered the worst of all heresies. By the twelfth
century, the concept of witch hunts took hold, and over the next 150
years the fear of witches spread across Europe, until by 1450 the
fear had become a mass mania that lasted for several centuries. As
the notion that all magic involved a pact with the Devil spread,
laws against witchcraft grew harsher. Each new conviction reinforced
belief in the rightness of the brutal methods being used to solicit
confessions and in the list of accusations to which the accused
"witches" confessed.

The craze took on new strength in the 15th century when the
Dominican monk Heinrich Institoris published the Malleus Maleficarum
(Hammer against the Witches). Although this book was banned by the
Church in 1490, it was reprinted in 14 editions by 1520 and became
one of the most influential books used by secular witch-hunting
courts.

Persecution continued in the 16th century through the Protestant
Reformation. The Caroline Code of 1532 imposed heavy penalties on
witchcraft, and as society became more literate, increasing numbers
of books and tracts fuelled the fear of witchcraft. The craze
reached its height between 1560 and 1660 but lessened soon after
that peak: for example, Louis XIV's 1687 edict against witchcraft
was comparatively moderate, ignoring black cats and other lurid
fantasies from the height of the witch mania. After 1700, the number
of witches accused and condemned fell rapidly, although the fear
never passed completely from the public's minds.

Some torments were designed to test the guilt of a witch. "Swimming"
a witch involved tying the accused hand and foot and immersing her
in deep water. If she sank, she was deemed innocent; but if she
floated, the water had supposedly 'rejected' her and she was deemed
guilty. Similarly, if the witch weighed less than a Bible on a
scale, she was guilty. Witches were thought to have insensitive
spots where the Devil had marked them; the accused would sometimes
be pricked all over with a sharp instrument in the search for such a
spot. Other, more traditional tortures were used to elicit
confessions and accusations against accomplices. These included
thumbscrews, leg vices, whipping stocks with iron spikes, scalding
lime baths, the rack, and the strappado. These tortures would be
often accompanied by a long list of questions, most of which
presumed guilt and were only concerned with the supposed how and
when of the accused's crimes.

The North Berwick witch trials of 1590 involved a number of accused
people from East Lothian, Scotland; these ran for two years and
implicated seventy people, including Francis Stewart, 1st Earl of
Bothwell, who was accused on charges of high treason. Their
confessions were extracted by torture. The trials involved several
people who were convicted of having used witchcraft to create a
storm in an attempt to sink the ship on which King James VI of
Scotland and Anne of Denmark had been traveling. Scholars have
suggested that the alleged witches were innocent dupes, sacrificed
by ambitious Lancastrian political figures in order to curry favour
with the King. During this period, James wrote a treatise on
demonology, sorcery and witchcraft; this was instrumental in leading
to the deaths of hundreds of women in Scotland who were accused of
witchcraft.

One of the accused, Agnes Sampson, was examined thusly by James VI
at his palace: she was fastened to the wall of her cell by a witch's
bridle (an iron instrument with four sharp prongs forced into the
mouth), kept without sleep,and thrown with a rope around her head,
until she confessed to the fifty-three indictments against her and
was then strangled and burnt as a witch. According to some
estimates, between 3,000 and 4,000 accused witches may have been
killed in Scotland in the years 1560-1707.

Perhaps the most infamous, and best-documented, of all European
witch trials was that of the Pendle Witches in Lancashire: on 20th
August 1612, ten people were executed at Lancaster Castle for the
murder by witchcraft of seventeen people in the Pendle area. Jane
Bulcock, John Bulcock, Alizon Device, Elizabeth Device, James
Device, Katherine Hewitt, Alice Nutter, Anne Redfern, Isobel Robey,
and Anne Whittle (known as Chattox) were sentenced to death by
hanging. Margaret Pearson was found guilty of witchcraft but not
murder and was sentenced to one year in prison. Jennet Preston, who
lived across the border, was hanged at York. Elizabeth Southerns
died in prison before she could be tried.

The Pendle Witches were accused of selling their souls to devils who
appeared to them in human and animal form. In return for their
souls, the witches received the power to kill or lame their victims.
The usual method of murder, described in Demdike's confession, was
to make an effigy of the intended victim, known as a 'picture of
clay', which was then crumbled or burnt, causing the victim to fall
ill and die.

The majority of the evidence came from the confessions of four of
the accused: Alizon Device, her brother James Device, their
grandmother Demdike, and Chattox. The family lived at Malkin Tower
under the leadership of the elderly Demdike; here, a number of
witches' sabbats were held. Many of those who attended were among
those later tried and hanged. Some of the suspected witches
protested their innocence to the end; some were acquitted when
evidence against them was found to have been fabricated.

Pendle Hill, rising some thousand feet above the district, is
associated with witchcraft to this day. Every Hallowe'en, many
visitors climb it to celebrate this supposed "dark" holiday, and
until fairly recently, the names 'Chattox' and 'Demdike' were still
used as terms of insult for East Lancastrians.

from http://www.pendlewitches.co.uk/, Wikipedia, and other sources

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

24) AROUND THE B.U. CAMPUS: LONMEET REPORT

by Divers Members of Bugarup University aka ozdw@yahoogroups.com

Location: Asti's gaff. In London, oddly enough
Date: 22 September 2007
In attendance: Asti and Plus One, Lu-Pi, Fuzzy, Ryan and Plus One

Lu-Pi, noted sage (and onion), said in brief:
We met.
We chatted.
We drank.
We discussed: various subjects, including masturbation;
comedity.com; red right hands (possibly in relation to
masturbation); music; guitar playing; Wii playing; pool playing;
Munchkin; The Elder Underwater God's publication, and the stupidity
of the people reading same; food, and vegetarianism; cats;
Dianetics; Anti-Dianetics; Indian sub-continental areas and the
spice choices involved in their national cooking; and, of course,
although briefly, Mr P. Not necessarily in that order. Oh, and
probably some other stuff - Asti took notes...

Fuzzy added:
I can't believe you missed out the bunny dancing champion from that
list :-/

Asti coughed politely:
::Ahem::
My bullet points for the evening are as follows:
- Greetings
- Drinks
- Pool
- Munchkins
- Ultrapsychonics
- Dinner
- Prostate Cancer
- Red Right Hand
      - Masturbation
- How many DW novels are there?
      - What is the definition of a DW book?
- Battle of the portable games consoles
      - Jam Session (what the hell was that !?!?)
- Bunny Dancing Champion
- AOB

Lu-Pi responded:
> - How many DW novels are there?
> - What is the definition of a DW book?

A brief soliloquy on how many, with opinions of "something around 37
or so" being brought out; this segued into discussion of what made a
"Discworld book" - does Strata count? How about Maurice? Tiffany
wasn't mentioned, but probably should have been. No consensus was
reached, since we changed topics before anyone figured out the
answer.

> > - Bunny Dancing Champion

Fiona appears to have a future in gaming, since she not only nearly
won Munchkin, before dinner, but managed to clear the floor of
everyone else at Bunny Dancing. Sadly, your chronicler was, at this
stage, losing badly at pool at the other end of the room, so missed
most of the details of this particular achievement. OTOH, I -was-
having fun, so...

All in all, so far as I can tell, a good time was had by all, all the
way up to the last minute, where Lu-Pi had to race off and catch the
last train home, outstaying his welcome to the hilt ;-]


[Editor's note: so, are you going to tell us what Bunny Dancing is?
Is it the sort of thing Tawneee might recognise? Is special clothing
required? And buckets of cold water? Our readers demand answers!]

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 5, continued on Part 6 of 8.
If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 6 OF 8 (continued)
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====Part 6 - WITCHERY

25) MULTIPLE CHOICE WITCH QUIZ
26) MOSTLY HERBS

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

25) QUIZ: WHICH WITCH...?

by Agnes and Perdita Nitt

Which witch...

(1) ...isn't actually a witch?

     a. Hilta Goatfounder
     b. Mrs Drull
     c. Granny Aching
     d. Gertie Simmons

(2) ...suffered death by baking?

     a. Old Mother Dismass
     b. Granny Whitlow
     c. Aliss Demurrage

(3) ...had a natural age of under 21?

     a. Miss Treason
     b. Goodie Hamstring
     c. Nanny Annaple

(4) ...went a-Borrowing and forgot to come back?

     a. Goodie Filter
     b. Nanny Gripes
     c. Granny Postalute

(5) ...pulled out one straw too many?

     a. Goodie Whemper
     b. Deliria Skibbly
     c. Granny Hopliss

(6) Which soup is recommended for witches in the Magavenatio
Obtusis?

     a. Carrot and lentil
     b. Carrot and oyster
     c. Tomato
     d. Leek and potato

(7) What was unusual about the witch of the Gnarly Ground?

     a. She had enormous warts
     b. She was made of stone
     c. She had a dangerous speech impediment

(7a) Which item of donated clothing worn by Granny Weatherwax
shocked Esk?

     a. A short skirt
     b. A demure pink dress
     c. A cloak with a red lining


[Answers will be published in next month's edition.]

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

26) MOSTLY HERBS

by Deirdre Niblick, ane Research Witche
assisted by Mithtrethth Hania Ogg

Witching sometimes -- all right, often -- involves herbal medicines,
and it's not all just suckrose and akwa, no matter what Mistress
Weatherwax says! Here are some tried and tested herbs used to cure
all sorts of illnesses. If you're looking for herbs to treat
romantic not-quite-illnesses, you'll have to speak to Mrs Ogg (the
other Ogg). Quietly. Possibly with a bag over your head. But she'll
know who you are anyway.

[Note: these cures are not guaranteed to work in any universe that
lacks the element narrativium.]

Unicorn Root (Chamaelirium or Helonias): for irritability and
depression; low libido; gastric complaints including nausea,
indigestion, and morning sickness; PMS.

Life Root (Senecio aureus): used as a uterine tonic, diuretic,
expectorant, anti-inflammatory, and birthing aid.

Wormwood (Artemisia): claimed to remedy indigestion and gastric
pain; acts as an antiseptic, and as a febrifuge. For medicinal use,
the herb is used to make a tea beneficial to pregnant women during
labour. The oil of the plant can be used as a cardiac stimulant to
improve blood circulation, although pure wormwood oil is very
poisonous.

Dandelion root (Taraxacum officinale): a potent diuretic; can
"purify the blood" and treat anaemia, jaundice, and nervousness.
Dandelion milk can be used as a mosquito repellent and is applied to
warts, helping get rid of them without damaging the surrounding
skin; also for treating liver and gallbladder complaints, infections
of the urinary tract, loss of appetite, disturbances in bile flow,
dyspepsia, haemorrhoids, gout, rheumatic disorders, eczema and other
skin disorders. Dandelion has a high potassium content and replaces
potassium lost in normal urine secretion, which makes it a healthier
alternative to non-herbal diuretics.

Yarrow (Achillea millefolium): medicinally astringent; used to treat
inflammations, eczema and headaches. Yarrow infusions speed recovery
from severe bruising. The flowers are a mild stimulant and have been
used as snuff. The dark blue essential oil is used in chest rubs for
colds and flu; the leaves encourage clotting. Yarrow is prescribed
for high blood pressure, catarrh, chicken pox, cystitis, diabetes
treatment, measles, nosebleeds, smallpox, toothache, ulcers, and
varicose veins, and Yarrow tea is also said to be able to clear up
a cold within 24 hours!

Hyssop (Hyssopus officinalis): long used as a potherb, it also has
medicinal properties as an expectorant; it relaxes peripheral blood
vessels, promotes sweating, and is anti-inflammatory, anti-
catarrhal, and antispasmodic. Hyssop can be applied topically to
bruises to reduce swelling and discolouration. An old remedy for
cuts and wounds incurred when working in the fields was a poultice
of bruised hyssop leaves and sugar, to reduce the risk of tetanus
infection.

Goat's Rue (Galega officinalis): a galactologue, used to stimulate
milk production in humans, goats and cattle.

Smearwort (Chenopodium bonus-henricus): poultices made from the
leaves were used to heal chronic sores. Roots were once used on
sheep to remedy cough. Smearwort was used for fattening poultry,
and when taken orally it acts as a gentle laxative.

Horehound (Marrubium): largely used as expectorants and tonics, for
chronic cough, asthma, and some cases of consumption. Horehound is
sometimes combined with hyssop, rue, liquorice root and marshmallow
root as a cold and flu tonic.

Hawthorn (Crataegus pinnatifida): used primarily as a digestive aid.
Other species (especially Crataegus laevigata) are used to
strengthen cardiovascular function. Hawthorn is also used as an aid
to lower blood pressure, and treat some heart related diseases.

Feverfew (Chrysanthemum parthenium): for reducing fever, and for
treating headaches, arthritis and digestive problems.

Comfrey (Symphytum officinale): some say that comfrey and garlic
taken together could almost halve the ills of modern civilisation.
An old name for comfrey was 'knitbone'; modern medicine confirms
that comfrey can aid treatment of bone ailments. Comfrey was used to
treat bronchial problems, sprains, arthritis, gastric and varicose
ulcers, severe burns, acne and other skin conditions; also, comfrey
baths were popular to repair the hymen and 'restore virginity'!

Licorice Root (Glycyrrhiza glabra): an effective expectorant, used
for this purpose since ancient times. Modern cough syrups often
include licorice extract as an ingredient. Additionally, liquorice
may be useful in treating both mouth ulcers and peptic ulcers.
Licorice is a mild laxative and may be used as a topical antiviral
agent for shingles, ophthalmic, oral or genital herpes.

Goldenseal (Hydrastis Canadensis): for disorders of the stomach,
chronic constipation, hepatic congestion, cirrhosis, protracted
fevers, postpartum haemorrhage, gallstones and breast swellings
associated with menses. Modern herbalists recommend goldenseal for
gastritis, colitis, duodenal ulcers, loss of appetite and liver
disease.

Dill (Anethum graveolens): gripe water made from dill is given to
babies and children for colic or other digestive disorders. Dill oil
helps combat feelings of being overwhelmed and is helpful for
digestive problems in adults (flatulence, constipation and
hiccoughs). Said to calm headaches and reduce excess sweating due to
nervous tension, dill can also stimulate milk flow in nursing
mothers and promote the healing of wounds.

Passionflower (Passiflora incarnata): the fresh or dried leaves are
used to make an infusion to treat insomnia, hysteria, and epilepsy,
and Passionflower is also valued for its painkilling properties.

Sweet sagewort (Artemisia annua): used, often as a tea, to treat
malaria. The plant has also been shown to have possible strong anti-
cancer properties.

St John's wort (Hypericum): most widely known as a herbal treatment
for depression. In some countries, Hypericum is prescribed for mild
depression far more commonly than synthetic medication. Some other
"wort" plants and their signatures are:

* Lousewort (Pedicularis): for repelling lice
* Spleenwort (Asplenium) - for treating the spleen
* Liverwort (Marchantia) - for treating the liver
* Toothwort (Dentaria) - for treating tooth ailments

Dock (Rumex obtusifolius): Broad-leaved Dock was called Butter Dock
because its large leaves were used to wrap and conserve butter.
Containing oxalic acid and tannin, they are astringent and slightly
purgative. Dock leaves are a traditional and still widely-known
remedy for nettle stings.

Some herbs, although used medicinally, have their greatest value as
providers of vitamins and minerals for those living off the land.
These include Stinging nettle (Urtica dioica), rich in calcium and
iron, and Cuckoopint (Arum maculatum, also known as Lords-and-
Ladies!), which has a mineral-rich root that is safe to eat when
well roasted.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 6, continued on Part 7 of 8.
If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 7 OF 8 (continued)
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====Part 7 - WITCHSTROLOGY

27) WITCHSTROLOGY: YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

27) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lucy Tockley
with assistance from Various Wytches

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR LOCAL WITCH CAN DO FOR YOU...

...ask what you can do for your local witch! Hello, Lucy Tockley
here, Diamanda as was. As you probably know, Mistress Weatherwax
banned me from witching after the Royal Wedding, and now that we
have our own Witch Queen in Lancre and the biggest coven in
generations and even young witches coming to visit from foreign
places like the Chalk, I suppose things are getting too crowded for
the elder witches to keep an eye on me. So I've been banned from
witching and from going up on the moors and especially from dancing
(especially dancing in the altogether, although I have to say that I
still have the figure for it), and these days I have to do what Her
Highness -- Queen Magrat, I mean, not Mistress Weatherwax -- calls
"community service" and that witchfinder Miss Tick from foreign
parts calls "sublimation of unseemly impulses". So here I am, having
to collect horoscopes from the coven and, you know, edit them. And
I'm not even allowed to wear special clothing or occult jewellery
until I'm at least 30. I think that's especially unfair because I
*have* learnt a few things, you know, but Mrs Ogg says that Mistress
Weatherwax has learnt rather a few *more* things than I have and
knows what's best and that if *I'd* known what was best I wouldn't
have caused all that trouble in the first place.

But that's all water through the Gorge now. Anyway, I've been
studying the history of witching in the Ramtops and compared to Olde
Tymes we have a very viable and admirable crop of young witches now.
Valuable enough to be considered as a national resource (some of us
here do have enough education to know what a national resource is).
So I urge you to consider the value of your local witch, and how you
can repay her for her services. In goods, of course. Witches don't
do money, unless they're Mrs Earwig.

Enjoy your horoscope. By witches, for witches. Blessed be.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

by Lucy Warbeck

As the Adamant Hedgehog approaches the cusp of Ramjambalam again,
this is a good month for, like, practising your swimming whilst
fully clothed. Octedays are an auspicious time for working on
escaping from those tricky knots, the ones tied by villagers who
haven't, like, read their Magavenatio. The stars also favour
attempts to achieve a personal best at holding one's breath
underwater.

Recommended gifts: good quality string, unspoilt feathers, old
buttons, assorted cheap trinkets, and eggs, for, like, shamble-
making; dried field rations; small scissors; waterproof boots.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

by Dimity Hubbub

At mid-month any experimental cure mixtures are unlikely to explode.
Tuesdays favour Wow-Wow Sauce making, but be very careful of the
amount of sulphur you use and employ only silver tongs during the
second quarter of the moon. When Euno Hu, major star of Gahoolie, is
brightest (around the 21st), use clear days for rock collecting.
Avoid salad greens when the moon is dark. If romance is in the air,
be sure to ask for diamonds, as they have many practical uses around
the home and are good for grinding things for pastes. The 11th is a
good day for hat maintenance, but avoid fires.

Recommended gifts: interesting minerals; silver tongs; family herbal
recipes (for testing); turnips; hatpins, because a good strong
hatpin can avert so many embarrassing pyrotic accidents.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

by Tiffany Aching

This is a good month for making difficult cheeses, especially during
the new moon. Herne's Horns shine favourably on clotted cream,
though you should be sure to save your best cream for a limited run
of Sto Lat Runny. The third week of the month is a good time to
pointedly avoid romantic entanglements, although really there is
never *any* good time for romantic entanglements if you want to get
things done. On the 13th, 27th and all Octedays, learn a new word.
The stars actually neither know nor care about new words, but these
days are best for stimulating the memory. Practise balance in all
things this month; you never know when it might come in handy.

Recommended gifts: felt, calico and willow branches, for hatmaking;
sheep shears; turpentine.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

by Petulia Gristle

A good month for trotter and hoof cures. Medicinal pig-scrubbing
should take place only at moonset to avoid unfavourable influences.
The 10th, 14th, 19th, 22nd and 25th are good for tail examinations.
Reserve mid-month for porcine contraceptive activities. To avoid
Spavined Knuckle, Ear Wriggle, Ruddy Farrow and Rumpstiff, do not
dose your pigs in the last week of the month. The Knob shines
favourably on udders during the three-quarter moon. The 21st is good
for romance, but only if you've tagged your piglets first.

Recommended gifts: ointment and jollop bases; old leather trousers,
the thicker the better; carbolic soap; old chain mail vests.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

by Agnes Nitt, with interruptions

No matter how many foolish people claim the stars govern your love
life, romance is in the heart, not in the skies. "So says the girl
who has a bedroom full of fluffy soft toys and always casts apple-
peeling spells to find the name of her potential boyfriend, as if."
Use your horoscopes to plan practical chores, for example, the
second Thursday of this month is best for preparing pain-relieving
medicines. "Practical chores are boring. Deep down, you haven't a
practical bone in your body! Mind you, one would have to dig really
deep to find *your* bones." Three-quarter moon is the best time for
broom repairs. "We all know what's going through your mind when you
get a bit of wind up your skirts." Midwives should prepare birth-
encouraging charms between the 12th and 20th, and you can just shut
up, Perdita, thank you very much.

Recommended gifts: preserving jars, especially if they're full of
preserves; throat pastilles; knicker elastic; chocolate, no matter
what Perdita says about the calories.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

by Gertruder Tiring

Cookery magic is in your stars this month! Genuan witches favour
gumbo magic, but I always say you can see the future best in a good
rabbit and onion pie. For learning of possible future romance, try a
thick root vegetable stew at quarter-moon. To learn the best time
for early planting, make turnip and broad bean soup on the 15th or
30th. A lightly fried egg at new moon can tell you when money will
cross your path. Avoid reading tea leaves until Mubbo is on the cusp
of Boring, but rose-hip tea gives good results all month. On the
9th, try eels. It's amazing what you can learn from examining a bowl
of boiled eels.

Recommended gifts: small cauldrons; casserole dishes; ramekins; egg
whisks; seeds, particularly savoury potherb seeds.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

by Caramella Bottlethwaite

The stars shine on lettuce this month for all Boring'uns. Lettuce
will bring you luck, but most importantly for those born under this
meek Sign, lettuce asks nothing of those who eat it. It's easy to
chew, unthreatening in flavour, and never ever attacks you when you
try to pick it, unlike the Herbs of a certain elder witch I could
mention but won't. If you feel adventurous at mid-month, try a mild
vinegar dressing on your lettuce. Avoid peas. That's all I have time
for because I have to plant my winter lettuces now.

Recommended gifts: shovels and other garden implements; thick woolly
socks; boots. With hobnails, for preference.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

by Amanita de Vice

Woe, oh woe! Your stars are terrible this month! All is blackness
and despair, and not only should you not get out of bed, you should
paint everything black and wear extra mascara and eyeliner and hang
your head and wail and moan because life is so awful and nobody
understands the inner pain you feel because you're so sensitive and
artistic and not like anyone else at all, no, really. Yours is a
life of anguish and misunderstoodness and even the very stars
conspire to make your existence an endless desert of misery. I know
how you feel. Blessed be.

Recommended gifts: black ink; long black underwear; black nail
polish; black mascara; washable black tattoo patterns.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

by Harrieta Bilk

D'Jum-Boh, the Grand Trunk star of Great T'Phon's Foot, exerts a
favourable influence this month on clothing and personal adornment.
This is the best time to try out those bold new fashion statements
you were always afraid to make. The second week of the month, and
also the 18th and 22nd, look kindly on puce and carmine. After all,
there's only so much you can do with black, and puce is this month's
black, at least until the 23rd. Decorate your boots at half-moon, in
fact, half-moon decorations would be a good idea. In the second
quarter of the moon, try bat-shaped buttons and unusual hatpins.
It's up to witches to set trends now!

Recommended gifts: dresses, secondhand, in wearable condition.
Remember, it's always a good idea to size your local witch (by
comparison with an approachable non-witch), as garments too large or
too small could result in your being convinced you've become a frog.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

by Annagramma Hawkin

Fortunate stars shine upon you this month! The Sign of Hoki is
particularly empowering, and if you cast your runes in local ruins
you will become as empowered as the leopard, and I'm telling you
that leopards are very empowered. The stars are very emphatic about
the proper Opening of the Circle at esbat time. The Turnwise winds
carry secrets, and learning secrets is essential for all young
witches; some say witching is best learnt from books, but a witch
who seeks true wisdom will find it in the simple ways of simple
peasant folk, who have plenty of simple peasant wisdom so long as
they have a witch to tell them which bits of their wisdom is wise.
Pay more attention than usual this month to the advice of your local
witch, and don't make her angry. You wouldn't like her when she's
angry. Warts happen.

Recommended gifts: cloaks. Any good spare cloaks in excellent
condition. A Zakzak Stronginthearm Zephyr Billow, for preference.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

by Magenta Frottidge

The Gazunda is back in the House of Hedbangur until the 16th and
moves to the House of Hoose on the 20th, and what better time to
practise your potions? Well, no better time, as it happens. Early
moonlight favours the making of jollops. The second night of the
full moon is good for lotions this month. Charms will work best on
alternate Wednesdays and the third Octeday. Collect herbs and plants
of the woodland during three-quarter moon. Do not make any curatives
that require scumble; best to wait until next month. Avoid ylang-
ylang; replace with Klatchian Migratory Bog Truffle essence or
distillate of suckrose and akwa.

Recommended gifts: candles; dried flowers; essential oils; denatured
alcohol; rare essences of the Aurient.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

by Lulu Darling

This is an excellent month for magnetism. The special sort of
magnetism that women can practise best and witches don't practise
often enough: forget octiron, we're talking about the magnetism of
romance. Check your stars closely for the best dates for dates -
let's see, this month that would be the 2nd through the 17th and the
24th through the 30th. Hitch your skirts up higher than usual at new
moon, and with luck you'll be able to hitch them higher still. And
never underestimate the power of a low-cut bodice, especially if you
parents gave you the kind of name that just reeks of low-cut bodices
anyway. After all "witch" is fifty per cent of the word
"bewitching", so make the most of what you've got.

Recommended gifts: china and crockery; interesting ornaments;
oysters; red boots; Sonky preventatives.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 7, continued on Part 8 of 8.
If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

WOSSNAME - SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 8 OF 8 (continued)
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====Part 8 - WEIRD ALICE,  BOOK REVIEW AND CLOSE

28) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC
29) REVIEW: THE WIT AND WISDOM OF DISCWORLD
30) WITCHES WEY-HEY!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

28) WEIRD ALICE, IN BRIEF

Assistant editor's note: although Weird Alice is technically not a
witch, she is the resident Bard of this publication and possessed of
-- and some might say by -- strange powers, so we are including her
Clacks Log. However, only in abbreviated form. Or as Annagramma put
it, 'All right, she can have her bit, but it's not to be as long as
the important parts.' So I've edited this Log down to the lyrics of
one of Alice's tales of her current holiday location. -- T.A.

DJEL STAR'S PARADISE

by Weird Alice Lancrevic

As I walk through the valley of the Source of the Djel
I'm looking back on my trip and realise I've done well
Cause now I've put Djelibeybi on the map
Stars of the Djel have become a tourist trap
These people never crossed a Pharaoh although most deserved it
They were treated with contempt, you know they were servants
They were too priest-watched for free thought
And scared down to their socks
But now there's Queen Ptraci, and the lady rocks
Old Dios' pyramids pauperised too well
Once religious artefacts - now they're just hotels...Djel!
I'm the kinda Bard Ankh-Morpork poets want to be like
All my songs come out right, ending verses with a near-rhyme

Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Capstone nightly blows its lid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I do like the Pharaohs did
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Only costs me twenty quid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid

I've got this situation, heat makes me brazen
I can't be a normal wife, I'm too crazed for the gigs
So I gotta get down from the D'regs scene
Too much sand and camel watching desiccates my dreams
I'm an educated Bard with career on my mind
Got a pen in my hand and an imp standing by
I'm a lost Lancrastian, Disc-trekking hasty 'un
And my carpet's broke down, it's sitting in the hangar - Djel!
Death is watching but my lifetimer's fine
I'm living large on the Djel, this Grand Sneer's mine
Just Cert and me, it's as magical as seven plus one
As strange as it's turning, we'll have fun

Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When the action's on
The Circle Sea?

Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Working for the highest bids
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I will never hit the skids
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Signing autographs for kids
In my penthouse Djel star's pyramid

Flowers of the desert, dessert made of flour
Hanging out with Ptraci, paradise is ours
Got a massive fanbase though half of them are mummies
What can you do in the desert but witty songs for dummies?
I'm learning ancient Djeli, Ashk-ur-men-tep has taught me
I can read old inscriptions - some bits, quite naughty

We'll go to Tsort
We'll go to Leshp
Hit every port
That's how we'll find those pleasures of the flesh - Djel!

Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Capstone nightly blows its lid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
We do like the Pharaohs did
In a mod-cons Djel star's pyramid
Only costs us twenty quid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid

Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When the action's on
The Circle Sea?
Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When in Hersheba there's
Gigs for me?


Note for Roundworlders: the lyrics for Gangsta's Paradise can be
found at: http://tinyurl.com/3224rr



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


29) BOOK REVIEW: THE WIT AND WISDOM OF DISCWORLD

by Steven D'Aprano

When I first saw "Wit and Wisdom", I expected it would be rather
like one of those "sigfile" collections of short quotations, one-
liners and assorted bons mots that some of the more... obsessive...
*cough* Discworld fans collect, only with fewer spelling errors. As
one of those obsessive Discworld fans myself, I'm always on the
look-out for resources that allow me to complete my collection of
quotes, so W&W seemed like a dream come true. No, not the one with
the twins and the bathtub filled with potato salad, that's
Rincewind's dream. The other one.

W&W is certainly an impressive-looking book, with a nicely pre-aged
fake-leather-bound look. Your Humble Reviewer's better half hates
dust jackets with the passion that most people save for mass
murderers and mime artists, but even she has said that she actually
likes it. High praise indeed.

In keeping with the old-fashioned book cover, ruled borders around
the pages, scrolls and vignettes at the start of chapters and so
forth, the book pages are rough-cut, as books used to be before
printers learnt about "measure twice, cut once". Although it's a
little impractical for turning pages, it's surprisingly attractive
and brings to mind first editions of Pepys or perhaps Boswell. It's
a funny thing that while actual incompetence is hardly a plus,
deliberately stylish incompetence is. (Not that I've actually seen a
first edition Pepys, of course, but I know what one should look
like. And if the reality is different, well boo hiss to reality.)

W&W is subtitled "Favorite Quotations from the Famous Discworld
Universe, as filtered somewhat erratically through the mind of the
Distinguished Scholar and Scribe T. Pratchett. Esq.", but it has
also been filtered rather idiosyncratically through the mind of the
Stephen Briggs. As Briggs admits in the introduction, he hasn't
tried to include every gag or notable scene, since to do that he'd
need to include the entire collection of Discworld novels in full.
That unfortunately leads to some rather puzzling (at least to Your
Humble Reviewer's mind) omissions, such as the scene in Jingo where
71-Hour Ahmed reminds Vimes, and the Roundworld reader, that
positive racism is just as racist as the more familiar sort. When
Vimes refuses to believe that Prince Cadram had ordered his own
brother's assassination, Ahmed answers:

'Be generous, Sir Samuel. Truly treat all men equally. Allow
Klatchians the right to be scheming bastards, hmm?'

or the wonderful description of elves from Lords and Ladies:

Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.

The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake,
and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have
changed their meaning.

No one ever said elves are *nice*.
Elves are *bad*.

But considering that W&W had to condense no fewer than thirty-six
Discworld novels into a single book and leave room for an index,
it's no surprise that there are a few things left out. (And beware,
it includes quotes from Making Money, which may catch some people by
surprise.)

There's a certain type of Discworld fan (who probably has a badge
saying "Ask Me About Discworld") who would buy anything by Mr. T.
Pratchett Esq., or about him, or even vaguely associated with him.
But for the rest of you, the big question is, "Should I hand over my
hard-earned cash, wot I slaved for weeks down the treacle mines for,
in exchange for The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld?". The answer to
that is, in my opinion, a provisional Yes. There's nothing *new* in
W&W, naturally, so if you've got a eidetic memory you won't get much
value from it. Likewise, if you've created your own concordance of
the entire Discworld corpus, fully indexed by keyword, character and
subject, you should keep your money, and use it to get a life. As a
book of quotations, I suspect it would probably be more useful to
have been broken up by topic rather than by story. But there's an
index, which seems reasonably complete to my cursory glance.

If you're looking for a pleasant book to curl up on the sofa with,
something to while away an hour or so, just enough to tickle the
funny bone a tad, or to reminisce about some of the best bits of
Discworld, you'd do well with W&W. It's far more practical for
taking to Discworld-themed parties than the entire collection, and
it makes a handy reference book for looking up the quotes that Mr.
Briggs thought were important. For the others, there's always the
Internet.

I wouldn't describe W&W as a Must Have, but I would call it a Nice
To Have. I wouldn't camp overnight in front of the store to buy it,
but I would definitely buy it!

The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld
by Terry Pratchett
Compiled by Stephen Briggs

available from 25 September 2007
To buy from HarperCollins:
http://tinyurl.com/3xdkm4

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

30) AND SO...

We hope you enjoyed our modest efforts and that all was
understandable and not in contravention of your Roundworld's
customs. And now the door between dimensions is closing, so this is
us, pinning our pointy hats firmly to our heads and-

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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End of Part 8.
If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
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Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion