WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
JANUARY 2006  (Volume 9, Issue 1)
Part 1 of 3  Sections
*****************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian  Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American  Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a  member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are  there any dues?
No.  Just ask to be put on the mailing  list.
*******************************************************************
Editor   in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News  Editor:  Anna M. Conina
Convention News Editor: Anna  M.Conina
Creative Co-Conspirator: Valeria Lynne
Staff Writers: Asti  Osborn, Paul Blake
Book Reviews: Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor:  volunteer needed
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency  Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art  Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2006 by  Klatchian Foreign  Legion
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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INDEX:

====Part  1

1) RETURN OF MOIST VON  LIPWIG
2) RAIMI TACKLES THE WEE FREE MEN
3) BBC TO AIR SMALL  GODS

====Part 2

4) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

====Part  3

5) LETTERS FROM ALL  OVER

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part  1

1) RETURN OF MOIST VON LIPWIG
by  Anna M. Conina

According to an official announcement on Paul Kidby's  website
(http://www.paulkidby.com/news/index.html), the next Discworld novel
after the release of WINTERSMITH will be MAKING MONEY, not
UNSEEN  ACADEMICALS.  The new novel, which Terry has already
begun writing,  promises "the triumphant return of Moist von Lipwig."

In an e-mail to  WOSSNAME, Terry explains: "It's like this: ideas
sort of roll around in my  head like snowballs on a slope.
MAKING MONEY and UNSEEN ACADEMICALSs  were two such.
And then MM starred to roll a bit faster, and got bigger, and  everything
I heard or read or saw seemed to be handing me plot points...so  what
the hell, it's the next one.   Moist Von Lipwig stars, which  means
it will incline towards fun.

"The confusion, if such it be, is  that people insist on knowing when I
myself don't know, so all I can do is  make a guess.  But MM is final.
I'm working on it already."

As  for WINTERSMITH,  Jennifer Brehl, Terry's editor at  HarperCollins
reports:  "WINTERSMITH (the new Tiffany Aching novel). Ms.  for that
should be in in another week or so; won’t have page proofs for some  while .
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) RAIMI  TACKLES THE WEE FREE MEN

Best-selling author Terry Pratchett's novel THE  WEE FREE MEN
is set to be turned into a film by Sam Raimi, after he finishes  work on
SPIDER-MAN 3 (due to begin shooting THIS MONTH for a 2007 release).

The story is one in Pratchett's Discworld series, and follows nine  year-old
Tiffany Aching, a young girl with a talent for witchcraft, who  finds
adventure
when the evil Queen of the Fairies kidnaps her small, sticky  brother.
She is assisted in this by the wee free men of the Clan Nac  MacFeegle, a
group of vaguely Scottish, boozy, kilt-wearing, thieving,  fighting blue
six-inch
"pictsies".

The novel is part of the British  author's Disc World series, whose
volumes are big sellers around the world.  Project came together
after Pettler read the book and persuaded Gerardis and  Vicinanza,
who controlled the rights for the author, to come aboard. Raimi  and
Donen sparked to their pitch.

Pettler most recently co-penned  "Tim Burton's Corpse Bride"
and co-wrote for Sony the Robert  Zemeckis-directed CGI pic
"Monster House." She's writing "9," a CGI fantasy  for Focus
Features that Burton is producing and Shane Acker is directing,
and is rewriting "Nick Tungsten, Nightmare Hunter" for director Doug
Liman at Paramount and Nickelodeon. Pettler is also set to adapt
Roald  Dahl novel "The Twits" for Disney and Vanguard

Columbia exec Sam  Dickerman will supervise.

Terry admits that "happy discussions" have  been taking place.  As he
says, in his past experience, "planned movies  do not happen," but he'll
be very happy when he's proved wrong.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) BBC TO AIR  SMALL GODS

BBC Radio 4 will broadcasts its adaptation of SMALL GODS
at  23.00-23.30 on 28th February, 7th, 14th and 21st March.
It has been  dramatised by Robin Brooks, directed by Gordon House
and produced by Claire  Grove.

-- Colin Smythe
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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End   of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3




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WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2006 -- PART 3 OF 3  (continued)
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5.)  LETTERS FROM ALL OVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the  Editor:

So far, Moist van Lipwig has only had a few brief
contacts  with Lord Vetinari.  I wonder what he might
do when he feels more  confident.  Could he be
turning into a future Patrician?

-- Ethel  Snake

Ed: I think Moist, quick learner though he is, will  need
to get a good few years more experience  in erm...
"positive" manipulation of the  public before he'd be
up to running  Ankh-Morpork.  I still think Vimes is
turning into a good possible future-Patrician.

To the Editor:

Many  fans are already hoping a range of Discworld currency
will someday  complement the popular line of stamps sold by
Bernard Pearson's Cunning  Artificer shop to commemorate
Moist's first adventure in civil service,  GOING POSTAL
(http://www.discworldstamps.co.uk).

Now that the second  Moist von Lipwig book is in the works,
is there any possibility that this  currency might be issued?
It would go very nicely with a suitable board game,  I would
think.

-- Alfred Spangler

To the Editor:

Would  it be possible to ask Mr. Pratchet how Moist von
Lipwig's first name should  be pronounced?

In HOGFATHER,  Jonathan Teatimer preferred his  surname
to be pronounced Teh-ah-tim-eh.  In MEN AT ARMS,
Edward d'  Eath insisted on not having his last name pronounced
improperly.

So  what I want to know is "Moist" to be pronounced as
"Moy-est" or "Mo-ist" or  what?  Would you ask him?
Many thanks.

-- Randolph  Stippler

To Mr. Stippler:

Why, 'moist' , of course:-)  Like  the state of being a little damp.

-- Terry  Pratchett
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright  (c) 2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion





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WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2006 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

YOUR  NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

Hello again, my  dear denizens of Zodiac land! This month, as we draw
near to the Roundworld  festival of love and romance, my good friend
Count Giamo Casanunda has kindly  offered me some tips on the arcane
arts of love which I shall now pass on to  all you prospective swains
and swainesses. I can guarantee you from personal  experience that
those tips of his work very - what? What do you mean, what's  that
interesting-looking bruise on my - oi! Back off, sunshine! It's  the
cold showers for you! Now behave yourselves and read  your
horoscopes...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant  Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

They say that music is the food of love.  That's largely true - though
Mrs Ogg would of course point out that the food  of love is also
carrot and oyster pie, or chocolate surprise with special  sauce - and
although Hoggers tend to prefer music of the martial kind, this  month
would be a good time to practice those gentler strains. Why not  dust
off that old lute in the attic and give it a go? Tossing a few  coins
to your neighbourhood minstrel for some pointers wouldn't go  amiss,
nor would a sacrifice to Reg, god of musicians. Songs about  flowers
and May mornings are a winner; songs about hedgehogs are  *not*
recommended, unless you happen to be one of those kinky types  who
dress up in animal costumes and meet up in darkened... um, forget  I
said that...songs about hedgehogs are *not* recommended, unless  your
beau happens to be into that sort of  thing.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips   21 Apr - 21 May

Say it with flowers (or, if you're of the silicaceous  persuasion, say
it with ooograh). It's amazing how a posy of even the  simplest blooms
of the field can melt a maiden's heart; if you don't believe  me, ask
King Verence of Lancre. If you do want to go a bit upmarket,  exotic
flowers are great, erm, persuaders -- however, avoid the  carnivorous
varieties and especially avoid Wahoonie blossoms, no matter  what
Herkulous "No-nose" Peaseblossom, the notorious Florist of  Gleam
Street, tries to tell you. Young ladies who follow the modern  fashion
of giving flowers to young men are advised to not give  roses,
petunias or pansies, as these can give a rather mixed message.  For
best results have your floral gift blessed by a priestess of
Sessifet,  Goddess of the Afternoon.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the  Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

The art of conversation can be a powerful  tool in the would-be wooer,
and has the advantage of gentleness. Who would  woo would woo well
with well-chosen words; the most innocent of conversations  -- about,
say, the progress of the new Quirm floral clock extension or  the
pleasantness of the recent weather or how there are so  few
perpetrators of street theatre due to the efficacy of the  Patrician's
prudent public policies -- can be deftly turned to subjects of a  more
personal nature! In fact, if you converse pleasantly  and
interestingly enough, the object of your amour might even be moved  to
suggest taking *you* to dinner! Best bet for your sacrifice this
month:  Loquacius, small god of orators.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The  Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Your celestial tips this  month are about food - not as if that's any
surprise to you Staffies! And no,  it's not just about the carrot and
oyster pie. When it comes to overtures  romantic, few things can beat
a candlelit dinner with your best china,  cut-crystal glasses, fine
linen napkins, and an exquisitely prepared,  lovingly served four-
course meal. I know that for those of you of the  wizardly persuasion,
four courses may seem like a mere warm-up for a main  snack, but do
remember that being over-full interferes with the, you  know,
postprandial hijinks. Not that you wizards care about that sort  of
thing, eh...for those on a limited budget, slip Sham Harga a  few
shillings to set up his least filthy table in the back of the House
of  Ribs. Chip-shop takeaways will *not* win fair  maids.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

"Usque ad mortem per bibendum", as  it says on the altar of Eructa,
minor Goddess of the Tired and Emotional! A  good drink loosens the
inhibitions, gilds the tongue, brightens the outlook,  and
incidentally makes the toothless, odoursome and unsavoury look  like
the well and truly favoured of the gods. Exotic liqueurs can  smooth
the path to romance like nobody's business; thy something  like
Ancient Walnut Vodka Supreme or Genuine Genuan Cordial  Passionelle.
Bearhugger's famous Lochan Bloody Nora is another good choice -  it
packs a kick like a gastritic hippopotamus, though, so be warned  that
while your intended may swoon in your arms, getting to the next  step
could involve Igor-strength heart stimulants. Avoid scumble at  all
costs. It may be mostly apples, but there's nothing romantic about
its  effects. Oh, and don't forget to pack the hangover cures before
you go  a-hunting!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug  - 23 Sept

The giving of love tokens is an (artful) way to show your  heart's
desire to the desired heart (not that anyone much, apart from  Mrs
Drull, werewolves of Uberwald, and various Igors actually  *desire*
hearts; the rest of us desire... other things). Diamonds may be  a
girl's best friend, but even lowly Ankhstones, tastefully gift
wrapped,  can result in a notable increase in friendliness. So when
you set out to win  hearts (and... other things), remember this: the
bling's the thing to bring  and sling. Pearls on a string make hearts
go zing and ting-a-ling; a gilded  ring? - to you they'll cling; when
bling you swing, love will take wing and  sing, and cling! - so
springs a fling.  Schwing!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

It's not *quite* true that another name for Boring  'uns is
"wallflowers", but we all know that those of you born under this  sign
are, well, less suited to the more, erm, energetic pressing of  suits.
So you'll need to start gently with the genteel art of  friendship.
First step: a sacrifice to Makko, the God of Confidence, and to  Herne
the Hunted (who, after all, looks after small, frightened  creatures).
Next, use your inborn ability for being unthreatening and  sympathetic
to become unthreatening and sympathetic. Be a good listener.  Lend
money readily and be slow to ask for repayment. Show willing to  be
awakened in the wee hours to provide a shoulder for crying on.  Soon
you'll have a bevy of desirables flocking to you. Of course,  they'll
only want you as a friend, but you're used to  disappointment.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Androgyna  Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

Art: a great tool with which to ~cough  cough~ draw an intended
lover's eye! Many people underestimate the erotic  power of even
"polite" Art (though the sort of people who write letters  of
complaint to the Times are not among them...), but even the sight of
a  well-rendered pastoral scene or beautifully composed Still Life
with Fruit  can charm and captivate a swainabee's loved one. And if
it's a fast track to  va-va-voom you want, there's no shortage of
proudly erotic Art in  Ankh-Morpork! You could even try your own hand
at doing Art - the traditional  starving artist, complete with smeared
palette, paint-spattered smock and  absentminded expression, is a
popular one in the romance stakes. Remember,  Art imitates Life...
although it's not compulsory to, f'rinstance, cut your  arms off.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23  Nov - 21 Dec

Grand gestures are the stuff of legendary loves, and my  little-but-
large-in-experience source assures me that a little gallantry  goes a
long way in the wooing industry. So you Footys would do well  to
practise those memorable courtly gestures! On rainy days this month,
be  sure to wear your second-best cloak so you can handily drape it
across  puddles for distressed maidens and slipper'd queens (forget
about *maiden  queens*; they're rare these days and thus disinclined
to let commoners suck  their toes). Carve your initials together with
your sweetheart's on a corner  of the Patrician's palace (beware those
patrolling Dark Clerks though).  Skywriting love-notes is always
good, but I hear Buggy Swires is charging  double for that these days,
and Hamish Mac Feegle can't spell, so you might  have to get, um
creative. Can I interest you in an  albatross?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22  Dec - 20 Jan

Oh, for those honeyed words of love! And what words be more  honeyed
than those of a lovesick poet? It's hard for a girl to resist  being
favourably compared to a summer's day, or for a chap not to  soften
when described as noble-brow'd and mighty-thew'd (especially if  he's
the son of a rural provisions merchant). You don't even have to  write
your own poetry; mark well the tale of Cyanide de Bungee-Wrecke,  who
won the heart of his beloved Moxine by miming under her window  to
poems recited by his Bardic friend. If you lack a handy Bard, try
that  nice Mr Dibbler in Sator Square - he's offering a knock-down
price this month  on slightly used sonnets. Or if you suffer from
shyness, try the new Gallmark  clacks service: modern love poems
delivered to your sweetie's door for only a  dollar each. You know it
makes  sense!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda   21 Jan - 18 Feb

If you genuinely want to score, erm, win yourself a true  love this
month, why not go on a Quest? Quests have all the sexy stuff:  danger,
adventure, romance, excitement, magic (often with a "k"),  enchanted
swords, Grails, meddlesome wizards, Dark Lords, barbarians,  rightful
Kings, witches, fell Demons, treasure hoards, the occasional  geas,
and sometimes even dragons! And travel; you can combine your  hols
with your heroism. Another advantage (apart from the  winning-your-
true-love bit) is that if you survive your Quest you'll never  have to
pay for another round in your life. But beware those really  long
Quests...though of course if you stay away from Civilisation for  long
enough, even the Orcs start looking fanciable.

Note: if your  Quest involves the slaying of dragons, on no account do
it at or near the  Sunshine Sanctuary. The Vimeses will be  bloody
furious!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser  Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

And so we come at last to the  greatest sweetheart-magnet of all:
money. Money! Show them the money! Whoever  said money can't buy love
never lived in a town with a branch of the  Seamstresses' Guild.
However...of course, money alone isn't enough; it's  about how you
earn it and how you spend it (and do take care not to fall in  love
with your money yourself! Coins can't kiss you goodnight).  Successful
beings of all genders and species always attract admirers  (they
attract gold-diggers too, but as long as your gold-diggers  are
bearded and under three-foot-six they won't likely break your  heart).
Making your fortune in enterprises involving daring is a good idea  -
there's always an opening for a *successful* pirate captain  or
gentleperson-thief. Or you could make a killing in the futures
market,  although that does involve a lot of late nights and freezing
cold warehouses.  Try to avoid anything *too* risky; after all, you
want to stay alive to enjoy  the relationship.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

End  of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of  3
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If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
FEBRUARY 2006  (Volume 9, Issue 2)
Part 1 of 4  Sections
*****************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian  Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American  Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a  member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are  there any dues?
No.  Just ask to be put on the mailing  list.
*******************************************************************
Editor   in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News  Editor:  Anna M. Conina
Convention News Editor: Anna  M.Conina
Creative Co-Conspirator: Valeria Lynne
Staff Writers: Asti  Osborn, Paul Blake
Book Reviews: Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor:  volunteer needed
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency  Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art  Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2006 by  Klatchian Foreign  Legion
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

EDITORIAL

====Part  1

1)  HOGFATHER TO THE SCREEN!
2) GP NOMINATED FOR NEBULA AWARD
3) TERRY TO BE  AT '06 L.A. WORLDCON?
4) AFPA TO MEET 3/25/06

====Part 2
5) YOUR  NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

====Part 3
6) SURPRISE BURA MEET
7) LETTERS  FROM ALL OVER

====Part 4

8) NEW HARPER COLLINS EDITION OF GOOD  OMENS
9) DW FIGURES AT LOW PRICES
10) CMOT BADGE SALES
11) LIMERICK  CONTEST
12) HAPPY HEDGEHOG DAY: THE JOY OF
DIY DISCWORLD HOLIDAYS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

EDITORIAL

My humble apologies for being a bit late with this  issue, but
alas I have had another heart attack (my third).  Don't  know
how much longer I can do this, but will keep trying.

-- Joe  "aten't dead yet" Schaumburger


====Part 1

1) HOGFATHER  TO THE SCREEN!

Sky One and RHI Entertainment have announced  the production of
Terry Pratchett's worldwide best-selling fantasy  fiction novel, Hogfather.
The project marks the first ever live action / CGI  film of Discworld
and its characters, and the 2 x 120" HD film airs on Sky  One in
Christmas 2006. RHI Entertainment have secured the international
distribution rights.

Terry Pratchett has sold over 45 million  books worldwide and is the UK's
second most popular author based on book  sales, selling 2.5 million a
year (3% of the total book trade).

The  British author's Discworld books are translated into 35 languages
and he has  won numerous prestigious literacy awards, was named an
Officer of the  British Empire for services to literature and commands a
huge fan base  across the globe.

David Jason (Only Fools and Horses, A Touch of Frost)  has been
confirmed for the key role of Albert in the film and further high  quality
casting will be announced over the next few months.

David  Jason said: "I am thrilled to be taking part in Hogfather - I am
a huge fan  of Terry Pratchett's books and to play the part of Albert is
going to  be great fun."

Elaine Pyke, Sky One's Drama Commissioner said: "Having  been in
development for nearly a year I am thrilled to announce this two part
commission with RHI Entertainment for the first live action adaptation
of a Discworld book. Terry Pratchett is one of the most successful
authors of our time and his fantasy fiction will strike a chord with Sky
One viewers. With the award winning Mob Film Company producing
the  series and the Moving Picture Company producing the computer
generated  effects, Hogfather is sure to serve up a visual feast this
Christmas."

Joel Denton, President and Distribution for RHI  Entertainment, said
"We are delighted to be working with Sky and Mob to  bring this
fantastic Terry Pratchett novel to a global television audience.  We
hope to continue to build our presence in the UK by producing
more  large event mini-series that utilizes UK talent and bestselling
novels."

Hogfather is adapted for the screen and directed by Vadim  Jean
{Leon the Pig Farmer} and produced by Rod Brown {Dream Team,
Goal}  and Ian Sharples {The Virgin of Liverpool} for the Mob Film
Company. Elaine  Pyke {Dream Team, Hex} executive produces
for Sky One and Robert Haimi Sr.  {DynotopiaI} is the executive
producer for RHI  Entertainment.

Hogfather is set to transmit on Sky One at Christmas 2006.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) GP NOMINATED FOR  NEBULA AWARD

Hot off the press!  _Going Postal_
has been  nominated for a Nebula  Award!
http://www.locusmag.com/2006/News/02_Nebula_Final_Ballot.html
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3)  TERRY TO BE AT '06 L.A. WORLDCON?

According to the Los Angeles Worldcon  website, Terry has
been confirmed as a program participant for this year's  convention,
scheduled for August 23-27th:  http://www.laconiv.org/2006/prog/progbios.htm

Because the Worldcon occurs  immediately after the
Discworld Convention, it was uncertain if Terry could  attend both;
it appears as if that's been resolved.  However, before  you buy
plane tickets, keep in mind that schedules are subject to  change!  We'll
post more news as we receive  it.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4. AFPA TO MEET  3/25/06

There will be a London AFPmeet on Saturday the 25th  March.

It will be a multinational Welcome To London Meet for  Petri
(and anyone else new to London!).

Date: Saturday 25th March  2006

Time: 2:00pm onwards, with possible eating and bookshop forays  during
the afternoon.

Location:  The Angel is at 61 St.Giles High  Street, LONDON, WC2H 8LE.
Nearest tube station is Tottenham Court  Road.

For more info on the venue,  visit:
<http://www.beerintheevening.com/pubs/s/20/2012/Angel/Soho>

Regular  meet attenders may know the pub since it's apparently
previously been used as  a meet venue to go with signings at Forbidden
Planet.

Looking forward  to meeting as many of you as possible :-)

(ED: No name on this one. Try  the URL.)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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If   you did not get all 4 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
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End   of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 4



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WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2006 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6)  SURPRISE BURA MEET

The Cap'n emailed me earlier in the week asking if I  had time to
catch up with him and Lady G so we planned on Saturday  morning,
somewhere halfway between Sacramento and Oakland. Friday night  I
called to confirm the meeting place and time and the Cap'n said that
the  Lady couldn't make it, but that he was bringing a friend with
him; "he reads  Pratchett" was the only description I got.

Feeling a bit trepidatious, I  headed to the appointed meeting place
at the appointed time (er almost; I  have a habit of being 15 minutes
late to everything) and who do I see when I  walk into the cafe?
Paul!  Hee hee, that was awesome! We chattered over  breakfast and
then walked out to the marina to fly my new kites. The  butterfly and
the frog were doing fine, but as the butterfly was not a QWB,  it did
little to help my biplane get off the ground.  The day was  gorgeous,
sunny and lightly breezy with nary a cloud in sight.

We  parted ways after lunch; and sometime this week they're going to
go terrorize  Apple HQ.

Raspberries to all of you who knew the Libwolf had escaped XXXX  and
decided to hide out in Northern California for three weeks!!!

--  The Snow Queen,  firehose monitor and Blue  Ox

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7.) LETTERS FROM ALL  OVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the Editor:

GOING  POSTAL.

To start off with (and I think I mentioned this before) -- I  kinda
did a double take and immediately looked for a co-author when
I  opened the book and found. . . a prologue. Then I read it,
relaxed a little.  . . only to find ANOTHER prologue!

Okay. I figure Pterry's messing with  our heads a little -- keeping
us on our toes so to speak. I settle myself  down again and prepare
to start reading, I turn the page. . . and there on  page 13 of my paperback.
. .

GASP, SPLUTTER, CHOKE. . . Pterry has  succeeded in achieving the
TRIPLE WHAMMY folks! Chapter One The Angel (with  a brief outline
of the chapter). Never before have I seen this, and this is  the twenty ninth
of the thirty Discworld stories. I have read them all --  except the
thirtieth
one (Thud! has only just come out here & it's not  in paperback yet) --
at least twice. I cannot tell a lie, I went back to the  cover again to look
for a co-author or some such to explain this new twist.  Not one of the
other Discworld books has ever had chapters. Pterry was known  for this
little writing quirk. Maybe he's just making sure those of us who  think
we know what's happening are kept in suspense? I think he must be
an exceptionally interesting man to talk to, cowboy hat aside.

Needless to say I thoroughly enjoyed the adventures of Moist von
Lipwig; con-artist turned postmaster and I highly recommend it (and
any  other Discworld story of course) as a fantastic read when you
really want to  take your mind off whatever shit is going on around you.
It gets a solid  three-blast rating on my asthma inhaler scale!

And now I'm reading  "Science of the Discworld"... I was surprised at
how I really battled to  find this book in the shops.

--  angel_and_damien@...
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
End  of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of  4
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5)  YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

This month,  as Spring rumbles to sap-pumping wakefulness in the
civilised world and the  fabled Continent of XXXX is in full-on summer
party mode, we turn to the  exploration of how the stars affect our
social calendars. Yes, it's true;  month by month, your Sign dictates
just what sorts of social engagements will  turn out best for you, or
at least, least disastrous. This can be very handy  as an excuse for
declining unsuitable appointments: "It's written in the  stars that I
absolutely *must* wash my hair next Saturday, whether I need to  or
not!" Of course, the downside is that your stars might show that  you
simply *daren't* miss your great-aunt Petrolena's milkman's  eldest
daughter's third child's christening. Ah well, if so then let's  hope
said milkman's daughter is a recent convert to the Church of  Bilious!
Right, then, off you get. Go forth, read your horoscope, and  party
hard...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant  Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

Recommended: Weddings
Best to avoid:  Military recruitment meetings (unless you're the
recruiter)

All  Hoggers know about the benefits of good organisation, and what
better time to  put your organisational skills to use than when
planning a wedding? Of  *course* it doesn't matter *whose* wedding
you're planning; the couple has  yet to betroth who won't be better
off for your exacting directives, um,  directions. Who needs wedding
planners when there's a Hogger in the house?  Don't forget to colour-
coordinate the serviettes with the bridesmaids'  dresses, or to
see that the band follows your by-the-second timetable, or to  ensure
that the wedding vows are tidy and respectable with none of  that
newfangled not-agreeing-to-obey nonsense. Make sure you save up  some
of your best shouting techniques for the caterers and the mother  of
the bride. Do it right and the entire wedding party won't know what
hit  them until after the honeymoon! Well, actually, they will,
because it will  likely be you. Hoggers excel at starting wedding
brawls. With *both* sides of  the family.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of  Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

Recommended: Stag Nights
Best to avoid:  Klatchian coffee mornings

Speaking of weddings, no blushing bride need  ever fear her intended
not turning up at the temple on time when there's a  Gahooligan
involved in the groom's Stag Night! Gahooligans aren't exactly  known
for being the life of the party. In fact, they're more often  the
death of the party, or at least the afterlife that skulks around  the
outer edges of the crowd, distributing Fresh Start pamphlets  while
everyone else's eyes are glued to Miss Veronique Va Voom and  her
Seven (but rapidly decreasing in number) Veils. Fine for some, but
you  already know how it feels to have your eyes glued. And this "last
night of  free life" lark is overrated: the only freedom, really, is
the freedom of  postvitality. Of course, you could always try stapling
on your happy face and  having some fun for a change. Come on, who's
the last person who ripped  *your* clothes off, apart from that cute
mortuary  assistant?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May  - 21 Jun

Recommended: Barn dances
Best to avoid: Martial arts  demonstrations

Whether you're celebrating the end of harvest time, the  dedication of
the new village pump or just the opening of last week's vat  of
vintage scumble, a barn dance is the perfect place to let yourself  go
and dance, dance, dance. Hernians may tend to uncertainty, but  you're
always among friends at a barn dance. Spend some time practising  some
well-loved country dances. Try your hand at baking scones. If you  go
into the evening with a good heart, you may find that people look  on
you in a new light, and your dance card will be full until dawn!  No
need to practise the Last Waltz though; you'll find that one  comes
naturally. Beware strange men bearing sparkly dresses, smelling  of
lilies and sounding like  maracas.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and  Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Recommended: Wine tastings
Best to avoid:  Get-fit classes

Wine, the elixir of life! So many vineyards' best to  sample, so
little time; that's why wine tastings are so popular. Not only do  you
get to sample the many delights of the noble grape, but you have  to
spit each sample out again, so you can spend far more time
socialising  - and eating canapes - before the floor rises to meet
you. Ahh, the  canapes...bivalves a la Genuenne en croute...little
cubes of Lancre  Blue...delicate bites of squishi...bite-sized Bonk
blutwursts...and then  there's the wines, from Vieux River champagne
to the finest fortified  Quirmian cabbage cordials. Do be careful at
reannual tastings, however. You  could end up with the worst mixed-
alcohols hangover long after you've  forgotten which octacongeners to
watch out  for.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Recommended: Pub crawls
Best to  avoid: Temperance Society meetings

My dear Bilians, we've been down this  road before...and we'll no
doubt go down it again, in the usual full  morning-after technicolour.
This, then, is a good time to point out that pub  crawls do have their
own special etiquette. There's the ceremonial Stringing  of the House
Keys (around your neck, so you can get in when the night-cart  pours
you out at your front door); the time-honoured Ritual of  Pre-apology
(leaving some damages money with your designated staggerer  helps);
the Donning of the Fishermen's Oilskins (serious pub-crawlers  know
that this saves on laundry bills); and of course the Sacred Chant  of
"It's my shout!" (so you can remain a functioning member of the  party
long after your higher cognitive functions have shut down in  horror).
If you follow these guidelines, you may have an especially good  time,
even if you won't remember it any better than usual  afterwards!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug  - 23 Sept

Recommended: Birthday celebrations
Best to avoid: Backstreet  gambling sessions

Mubboons tend to be the perfect birthday party guests:  the typical
Mubboon is kind, honest, lacking in pretentiousness,  unsophisticated
- in other words, just the right sort to find enjoyment in  singing
silly celebratory songs, playing embarrassingly childish party  games,
creating a fire hazard with half-blown-out candles and taking far  too
much delight in humorously shaped birthday cakes. Oh, and  wearing
ridiculous paper hats. And I can see that you're already panting  with
excitement and checking your calendars in the hope that someone  close
to you will be celebrating a birthday this month. If you  find
yourself short of birthday celebrants, you could always try  getting
together with some Gahooligan friends and throwing a deathday  party.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Recommended: Funerals
Best to avoid:  Invitations to go hang-gliding

As has often been observed, it takes a  Boring'un to put the fun back
into funerals. As it happens, that observation  is entirely untrue,
but funerals certainly *are* the right sort of  get-together for those
born under this Sign. No true Boring'un can tolerate  adventure,
excitement, risk-taking or loud noises, and a funeral rarely has  any
of these. Funerals, apart from being, well, as quiet as the grave,
are  so reassuringly, undemandingly final (except in the cases of some
Wizards,  most Vampires, and quite a lot of Gahooligans); best of all,
they're a very  real reminder that the deceased is one more being who
will never again burden  you with social engagements! So off you go,
with a suitably sombre outfit, a  sombrely serious face, and a secret
song in your still-beating heart.  Enjoy.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct  - 22 Nov

Recommended: Random spur-of-the-moment inadvisable interactions  with
total strangers
Best to avoid: Gatherings of  Thudmeisters

Andies come in two flavours: lovers and fighters. All right,  *three*
flavours, because some of you Andies are worryingly good at  combining
the two. Many of you will remember the famous "wrestler  d'amour",
Casanolda the Magnificent, who was born under Androgyna Majestis  and
whose most famous show-stopper was his all-in tag team bout with  two
pole-dancing- um, sorry, I got a bit distracted there. Yes. Loving
and  fighting, those are your strong points, and this is a good month
for seeking  out those singles bars and tough-neighbourhood street
corners you never tried  before. True love is elusive, but there's
many a plausible imitation to be  had in random anonymous meetings,
especially out in the back alley behind Mrs  Palm's...and nothing, er,
nothing *else* can put a healthy glow on an Andy's  cheeks like a
good brawl. The choice is entirely  yours!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov  - 21 Dec

Recommended: Soirees
Best to avoid: Book  signings

Soirees. Cocktail parties. Fondue evenings. Happy Hours. Call  them
what you will, these sunset-lit social events are your kettle  of
lobsters this month. Now is the time to make the rounds, flaunt  the
fripperies, flash the frocks fantastic, and broach new benchmarks  in
the fatuous folderol of glamorous gossip and scandalous small talk!
No  event is too minor, no ceremonial celebration too pointless for
the  attentions of you large-living Footys. Have you been accused of
being willing  to "attend the opening of an envelope"? Prove them
right by popping along to  Mr von Lipwig's drinks evening to honour
the issuing of the new Quirm Real  stamps. Test your new wheel of
Sto Helit Farmhouse Runny at a cheese 'n' wine  fiesta. Seek any
opportunity to display your festive Footy fashion sense.  Every soiree
will be your little triumph. Absolutely fabulous,  darling.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec  - 20 Jan

Recommended: Harvest or Planting festivals
Best to avoid:  Gytha Ogg's cookery classes

It's that time of year again! The time when  maidens run friskily and
young men get their bells and hankies out and all  sorts of innocent-
looking things and activities take on sudden cartloads of  double -
and single - entendres. Hokians, though sometimes shy, also tend  to
be magically adept, and this is certainly your month for casting  the
sort of spells that would make anyone but an Ogg blush. Polish  those
Maypoles. Oil those threshers. Study the dark and amorous secrets  of
*both* Morris dances. Run with the horned stag ("horned"  being
pronounced with two syllables here) and dance sky-clad under the  -
why, hello, Mistress Weatherwax! Lovely to see you here! I'd  quite
forgot you were born under Hoki. Move along, readers, nothing to  see
here. Of *course* we can't be having with that sort of  thing.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda   21 Jan - 18 Feb

Recommended: Baby showers
Best to avoid: A day at the  races

Before the patter of little feet comes the patter of large amounts  of
coinage. It's no cheap or easy thing to bring up a child in  today's
modern society, so isn't it a good thing that baby showers are  so
lucrative, um, forward-looking? This month, make your friends'  or
relatives' baby showers Events to Remember. Come dressed in  nappies.
Bring the kinds of gifts that a child will find truly useful  further
down the Road of Life - why bother with the same old pink and  blue
knitted booties, cot blankets and playsuits shaped like  humorous
bunnies, when you could give gifts like cottage-thatching  lesson
vouchers, cookery books**, football boots, pre-paid medical  care
under the new Lawn Plan, even some of Mr Sonky's finest rubber  goods
...believe me, when those children grow up you'll be top of  their
"people to help" list during hard times. Be original!

** But  *not* Mrs Ogg's Joye of Snacks, unless you're definitely
including the rubber  goods.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser Umbrage   19  Feb - 20 Mar

Recommended: Anniversary parties
Best to avoid: A night  at the opera

And so we come to the last Sign, and it looks like you  Umbragians got
the boring end of the stick: anniversary parties. But they  don't have
to be boring! Anniversary parties may traditionally be about  bad
calamari, drunken uncles, doddering grandparents and Black  Uberwald
Gateau, but there are many far more interesting anniversaries  you
could choose to celebrate. There's the anniversary of the founding  of
Unseen University. There's the anniversary of the passing of the
Golem  Rights Act. There's the anniversary of the explosion of Old
Humbert, the B.S.  Johnson-designed Different Engine at Grabpot
Thundergust's cosmetics factory.  There are anniversaries of nations
and of the births of demigods and of  natural disasters and even
anniversaries of the unfortunate demise of the  favourite pet vermine
you kept rather inattentively as a child. Every day is  a day of
remembrance for *something*, so find yourself something  truly
amusing to celebrate. After all, someday you'll be that  doddering
grandparent and you won't remember what the Black Uberwald Gateau
is meant to  celebrate.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

End of  Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of  4
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8)  NEW HARPER COLLINS EDITION OF GOOD OMENS
by Anna M. Conina

The February issue of _Locus_ magazine features an  interview with
Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman to tie in with the release of  the new
HarperCollins edition of _Good Omens_.  Note this statement by  Terry:

"For years and years, the official line was that we'd sworn never  to do
another book together.  We said that because it was a good line  to give
to the fans -- please stop begging, get off your knees.  But  oddly
enough, a few months ago, when we met at the Audies, we were sort of
talking about this, if one or the other of us had the killer idea, maybe
it would be worth doing?"

Essentially, ". . .  _Good Omens 2 is  not ruled out, but we're waiting
on the killer  idea."
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) DW  FIGURES AT LOW PRICES

Elton writes

This is a brief email to our  mailing list members to let you
know that we have some unbelievable auctions  currently taking
place, including many Discworld pieces starting at  99p!!

http://www.collectorsgifts.co.uk/rd/discworld/    -  our Discworld items.
Don't forget, Clarecraft have closed down for  good!

http://www.collectorsgifts.co.uk/rd/cows/    - Cow  Parade - we're
clearing the  shelves!

http://www.collectorsgifts.co.uk/rd/harrop/   - loads  of Robert Harrop,
including Camberwick Green, Beano, Bagpuss and  more!!

We'll be adding more pieces to eBay over the coming week,
so  please check back.

Happy bargain hunting!

Elton
http://www.collectorsgifts.co.uk/
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10)  CMOT BADGE SALES

This is a shameless bit of plugging, to whet the appetites of those who
favour Ankh-Morpork's Vetinari-headed, cool, black-wearing Guild.

A  new Guild badge and Certificate are being produced by that nice Mr
Dibbler.

If you'd like to be an Assassin, have a look  at:
http://www.cmotdibbler.com/cmot_Badge.html

Stephen Briggs
for  and on behalf of CMOT Dibbler

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
11)  LIMERICK CONTEST

If you recall, a few years ago, or maybe last year, we ran a limerick
contest for our more poetic members.  It was very well received and  we
thought we'd try it again.  This time, the theme is the WFM.  Here's
a sample:

A fabulous fellow is Death
He dances without drawing breath
His  phizogg's quite fearful
But is he e'er cheerful?
"The anther," says Igor,  "ith YETH."

You can send in as many entries as you like, to
me at _jschaum111@..._ (mailto:jschaum111@...) .   Deadline is
March 31st, 2006.  And yes, there are  prizes.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

12) HAPPY HEDGEHOG DAY:
THE JOY OF  DIY DISCWORLD HOLIDAYS
by Anna M.  Conina

With the planned Christmas release of a made-for-TV movie based  on
_Hogfather_, Discworld holidays are in the news like never before.   Now
would seem the ideal time to show the world that Christmas is not the
only special occasion possessed of Discworld makeover potential.   Using
February's Groundhog Day as an example, we will demonstrate how,  by
applying just a few simple guidelines, you too can turn any  boring
roundworld holiday into a celebration which will cause your neighbors  to
accuse you of contributing to the depreciation of local property  values.

1.  INVOLVE AN ANIMAL MASCOT.  Of course, we're  thinking here of the
Hogfather's boars and the Soul Cake Duck.  For  Groundhog Day, you're
already halfway there; simply replace "groundhog" with  "hedgehog" for
extra Discworld resonance.  You even get bonus points for  involving the
word "hog" in yet another Discworld holiday.

2.   THUMB YOUR NOSE AT LOGIC.  Can the Hogfather visit every house on
the  Discworld in one night?  Do random shadows have  meteorological
significance?  Only a Scrooge would ask such  questions.  Besides, the
hedgehog is probably about as accurate as local  TV weather forecasters,
anyway.

3.  APPLY DISCWORLD SENSIBILITIES  TO ROUNDWORLD TRADITIONS.
Serve dodgy meat pies and overcharge for  them.  Establish a hedgehog
shadow betting pool.  Threaten to cast  the little bugger into The Place
Where the Sun Does Not Shine (the deep hole  near Slice) if his forecast
is not to your liking.  In the end, after a  few jugs of scumble and several
slurred rounds of "The Hedgehog Song," who  even *cares* about six more
weeks of  winter, eh?

And there you  have it.  With a dash of creativity and a total lack of
taste, you too  can bring a unique touch of Discworld cheer to your
festivities.  Just  replace the question "What Would Martha Stewart Do?"
with "What Would Nanny  Ogg Do?" and your parties will be the talk
of your local HOA (which will  provide written complaint forms in
triplicate).
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright  2006 by Klatchian Foreign  Legion
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If  you did not get all 4 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6.)  LETTERS FROM ALL OVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CABBAGE  CORDIAL

To the Editor:

Hi there and greetings from  Bavaria!

As usual I've read your newsletter and especially the horoscope  with much
delight.

In fact, there is such a thing as a "Cabbage  Cordial". Well, not quite a
cordial but a schnaps made from cabbage. In the  neighbouring town where I
spent quite some time becoming a Dairy Laboratory  Assistant (Triesdorf in
Franconia that is; near Nuremburg) there is a small  plant producing
sauerkraut. And the guy running the plant tried to ferment  the sugar
contained in the cabbage not to lactic acid (which makes the  sauerkraut) but
to alcohol (using yeast instead of lactic acid bacteria). He  then distilled
that stuff and - voila - got krautschnaps. The flavour is  quite strangely
like fresh cut cabbage combined with vodka. And it gives you  a hell of a
hangover if you have too much of that stuff.

-- Juergen  :-)

(Reference is  to this horoscope entry from last month:
>  The Wizard's Staff and  Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul
>
>  Recommended: Wine tastings
> Best to avoid:  Get-fit classes
>
> Wine, the elixir of life! So many vineyards' best to  sample,  so
> little time; that's why wine tastings are so popular. Not only  do  you
> get to sample the many delights of the noble grape, but you  have  to
> spit each sample out again, so you can spend far more  time
> socialising  - and eating canapes - before the floor rises to  meet
> you. Ahh, the  canapes...bivalves a la Genuenne en  croute...little
> cubes of Lancre  Blue...delicate bites of  squishi...bite-sized Bonk
> blutwursts...and then  there's the wines,  from Vieux River champagne
> to the finest fortified  Quirmian  cabbage cordials. Do be careful at
> reannual tastings, however. You   could end up with the worst mixed-
> alcohols hangover long after  you've  forgotten which octacongeners to
> watch out   for.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

NEGATIVE  THUD

To the Editor:

I don't understand all the negativity  surrounding Thud.

One of the more interesting things about the Citywatch  and Vimes in
particularly is, in my opinion, character development. And you  can't
beat the Watch when it comes to character development. So what if the
stories are becoming less light-hearted than we are used to... this
only  enriches the fantasy.

I hope they will be around for many books to  come.

-- Richard
The  Netherlands
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

THE  RIGHT BRIGHTON, AT LAST!

To the Editor:

Wyrd Sisters is performing  in the seaside suburb of Brighton, in the
sunny state of Queensland, in  Australia.

And I can inform you that the actress playing Magrat is rather
pretty (that's the problem with amateur theatre, you can never find
a  flat-chested actress with flowers in her hair when you want one.
Likewise we didn't have any dwarfs, so I crave your indulgence in
this  area).

I agree that my posting was technically spam, I just thought it  was
something you'd be interested in, being a Pratchett play.  Didn't
mean to offend anyone.

-- John Midgley
Sandgate  Theatre  Inc.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

COPPERHEAD  ROAD

To the Editor:

Warning: slightly on-topic. Ish. Please try  not to fall over in a dead
faint and hit your head.

Annie and I were  discussing certain friends of ours, and their
sneeringly superior attitude  towards various things (such as music,
television, etc.) and the reason they  dismiss them.

For example, a friend was visiting us the other day, and  she spotted a
CD of Steve Earle's "Copperhead Road". Knowing that I have  negative
taste, she said something like "Ha ha, I see Steve has been buying  bad
Triple-M bogon beer-drinking music again".

Anyone who has heard  Annie talk about Copperhead Road will know just how
wrong our friend was.  Annie carefully explained Copperhead Road is one
of the finest examples in  history of a kick-ass rock album from start
to finish, and that it doesn't  say much for Australia that it is
associated only with trailer-trash  bogons.

(In defence of Australia, I'd have to say that in the US, Steve  Earle is
mostly associated with trailer-trash good ol' boys -- not much
difference there, except bogons are more urban, if not  urbane.)

Later, Annie and I discussed the phenomenon of judging a thing  by those
who like it, or more precisely, why so few people seem to be able  to
look beyond those who like a thing and at the thing itself. I suggested
that it was related to the Tiffany Aching thing about first sight and
second thoughts. I described it as third taste.

Those with No Taste  mistake Doing Something for Doing Something
Worthwhile And Doing It Well.  They are the sort of people who think
that just because Bob or Irene are  willing to climb up on stage in
front of people and play the spoons, they  must be great musicians. That
is the only explanation I can think of for the  fact that so many
television "celebrities" and morning radio "funny DJs"  haven't starved
to death from lack of work.

First taste is the first  step beyond No Taste. It is when you actually
start applying some level of  discrimination and learn to change the
radio station or television channel,  or even turn it off. First taste
is when you understand that the willingness  to be an entertainer does
not automatically make someone an  entertainer.

Second taste is when you understand that things can be  culturally
embedded. For example, certain clothes and colours, innocent in  and of
themselves, carry connotations within a culture: beer is working  class,
white wine is poncy, and red wine is for those who use the phrase
"sophisticated palate" without a trace of irony. James Dean screams
pampered youth playing at being an outsider, clothes can be mumsy, and
we expect that readers of Babara Cartland, Tom Clancy or Margaret
Atwood  are different sorts of people. Our friend has second taste, and
because she  saw Copperhead Road as just as much part of bogon culture
as wearing blue  singlets, eating Four 'N Twenty pies and going to the
footy, she dismissed  it.

But third taste is when you can look beyond the culture in which a  thing
is embedded and appreciate it for itself. It isn't third taste when  you
just aren't aware of the cultural connotations -- you have to know they
exist, and understand that they don't matter. It doesn't matter that
the  Spice Girls are, well, the Spice Girls, "Wanna Be" is still a
cheerful and  excellent example of light pop-rock, and if you don't at
least tap one foot  to it, you're trying too hard. And speaking of
excellence, those two  excellent dudes, William S. Preston Esq. and
Theodore 'Ted' Logan,  should not be judged as just another pair of
slacker teen comedies, even  though lots of slacker teens loved those
movies.

It doesn't matter  that Tchaikovsky is an old-time Dead White Guy, the
1812 Overture prods  buttock. And, despite being lumped into the same
genre of fiction as   those other two Terrys (Terry Brooks and Terry
Goodkind), not to mention  Stephen "Unclean! Unclean!" Donaldson and
John Norman, Terry Pratchett  writes novels which are better than
"literature", because they are  entertaining as well as mind-expanding.

There. That's two Pratchett  references in one post. And they said it
couldn't be done.

-- Steven  D'Aprano
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
End of Part  3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of  4
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If  you did not get all 4 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
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5)  YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

Ah, the  magic of the moving pictures! Roundworld has just had its
yearly "Oscars"  feeding frenzy, so isn't it timely that a certain
friend of mine has  unearthed a long-forgotten cache of classic clicks
that survived the  destruction of Holy Wood? I've watched them all,
and as that nice Mr Dibbler  is arranging to distribute copies at a
cutting-his-own-throat price, I'm  using this month's Horoscope to
suggest which clicks would be most  entertaining for beings born under
each Sign. So spruce up your  projector-imps, cuddle up on the sofa,
and don't forget the banged  grains...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar -  20 Apr

COOL HAND OOOK: a gritty, hard-hitting, soft-fruit-chucking  ape-flick
set in a small Howondaland stockade. See the famous  banana-eating
contest! See the alpha male challenge the ruling  authorities!
Starring Mel Gibbon in his most famous cross-species  performance.

MY STEPMOTHER IS A KLATCHIAN: the hilarious misadventures of  Jenny
Klatch, a secret agent who tries to infiltrate Ankh-Morpork in  the
guise of a sex-bomb housewife and ends up falling for A-M  ways.
Priceless, and also only AM$7 for a  copy!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21  Apr - 21 May

NEVER GIVE A VIZIER AN EVEN BREAK: a chaotic Agatean  comedy-fest set
among the perpetual wars between the Fang, Hong and  MacSweeney clans.
Poisoning was never so side-splittingly funny  before!

GNOME IN 60 SECONDS: see Buggy Swires and Hamish Mac Feegle in  their
first and only team-up! They unite to solve a rash of  buzzard-
stealing...from the inside. The aerial scenes will make you  reel!
And possibly hurl.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the  Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

LANCRASTIC PARK: terrifying palaeo-imps,  extracted from ancient
scumble dregs in Bad Ass, run amok in a theme park  opened by C.M.O.T.
Dibbler. Just when you thought it was safe to go into the  nature
reserve...

MY FAIR LYCANTHROPE: a classic, memorably tuneful  musical about a
professor who decides to prove that young dogs *can* learn  new
tricks. Contains the famous song "I Could Have Barked All  Night".
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22  Jun - 22 Jul

A MAN FOR ALL SEASONINGS: the stirring - and chopping, and  dicing,
and grilling, and baking, and stir-frying - story of the King  who
would be Chef. The special effects will make your mouth water!

THE  MAGNIFICENT 7+1: in the greatest mid-western ever filmed, an
octet of wizards  fight evil and each other across the Sto Plains,
against the background of a  world gone madde, or at least  Bursar.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

HOW THE WURST WAS WON: the dramatic  story of the quest to create the
BEST SAUSAGE IN UBERWALD! With 1,000  ELEPHANTS! And NAMED MEAT!

PRETTY DEMON: the story they said couldn't be  told! A beautiful
young wood-nymph joins the Seamstresses' Guild and captures  the heart
of a handsome rubber-products tycoon. Star-crossed romance that  will
tug at your heartstrings!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the  Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

HOWONDALAND SMITH AND THE TEMPURA OF DOOM:  our intrepid hero bites
off more than he can chew when he steals the Jewel of  the Djel and
finds himself chased by camel-riding ninjas,  sword-wielding
handmaidens, and the Klatchian Foreign Legion!

BIG  TROUBLE IN BES PELARGIC: a Morporkian cart driver takes a holiday
in Agatea  and has to rescue the locals from a plague of ancient
vampire ghosts. Magic,  explosions, kung fu - this one has it  all!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars  24 Sept - 23 Oct

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN ONE NIGHT: in which a reporter for The  Times doesn't
meet an heiress, doesn't go to exotic far-flung romantic  places, and
totally fails to have any kind of excitement or adventure.  Guaranteed
safe and unexciting viewing, but available with subtitled  exclamation
marks for the braver among you.

CLACKSWISE: brilliant  slapstick comedy about a fussy Dark Clerk who
throws the Patrician's Palace  into disarray with his obsessive
timekeeping. Best Silly Walks in the history  of clicks-making!
Contains no  pineapples.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct  - 22 Nov

VICTOR/VICTORIA/LADDIE: the heart-rending emotional trials of  an
unfortunate soul who's part man, part woman and part werewolf. And
you  thought *you* had a hard life...

SOME LIKE IT NOBBS: it's an all-singing,  all-dancing, all-cross-
dressing musical extravaganza when a pair of Watchmen  investigate
mob activities by joining a band managed by Chrysoprase. Great  tunes,
great frocks; great Io, there are some scary sartorial  sights!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov -  21 Dec

EVERY WHICH WAY BUT WIDDERSHINS: laugh with action star  Flint
Beastwood as a roustabout wanderer who travels the Disc with his  pet
chimp Nobby, wreaking havoc every step of the way from Sto Helit  to
Heliodeliphilodelphiboschromenos! Another Mel Gibbon triumph.

ONCE  UPON A TIME IN THE HUB: you'll recoil in fear as cold-blooded
Assassin Mr  Teatime stalks the Tooth Fairy because he's been hired
to inhume all in the  Castle of Bo- oh wait, wrong story. This is an
epic about killers and  land-grabbers. Same thing, really.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the  Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

THE GODMOTHER: sweeping tale of a subtly  evil witch's rise to power,
and how she rules over a clan of potion-peddlers  with a fist of iron
and a mouth full of marbles. Not recommended for  children, muhahaha.

THE CHRONICLES OF PSEUDOPOLIS YARD - THE LIAR, THE  WATCH AND
THE WARDROOM: in which Done It Duncan finds a magic wardrobe that  lets
him enter the Watch House whenever he wants, to confess to all  the
unsolved crimes in Ankh-Morpork. Great special  effects!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21  Jan - 18 Feb

DANCES WITH ELVES: the enchanting, haha, story of a Lancre  Morris
dancer who gets captured, and then adopted, by the Lords and  Ladies.
Features Jason Ogg in his first film role - and real Morris  dancers.
No stunt-men were harmed in the making of the Stick and Bucket  dance!

BRASSICA INSTINCT: a spine-tingling thriller in which a  wealthy,
married, Quirmian brassica farmer is seduced by a wicked,  vengeful
temptress from Sto Lat. The cabbage-stabbing scene is  unforgettable!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser Umbrage    19 Feb - 20 Mar

BACK TO THE SUTURE: the thrill-a-minute fantastic tale of  how a young
Igor has to travel through time to make sure 1.21 gigawatts  of
lightning get sent through the corpse of his all-important  ancestor.
Horrors previously untold! Excellent stitiching  techniques
demonstrated!

LOWLANDER: Swords! Stirring battles!  Mousepipes! Lawyers! A once-in-a
lifetime, headbuttingly pulse-pounding tale  of the Nac Mac Feegle's
struggle to produce the ultimate dirty-fighter. Dere  can only be one
t'ousand!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

... and there  you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if  you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Lady  Asterisk.  If she's in a good mood,
she might even answer  them.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
End of Part 2, says  my computer -- continued on Part 3 of  4
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 4 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
MARCH 2006  (Volume 9, Issue 3)
Part 1 of 4  Sections
*****************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian  Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American  Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a  member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are  there any dues?
No.  Just ask to be put on the mailing  list.
*******************************************************************
Editor   in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News  Editor:  Anna M. Conina
Convention News Editor: Anna  M.Conina
Creative Co-Conspirator: Valeria Lynne
Staff Writers: Asti  Osborn, Paul Blake
Book Reviews: Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor:  volunteer needed
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency  Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art  Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2006 by  Klatchian Foreign  Legion
ooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part  1
1) TERRY CANCELS TRIP TO  WORLDCON
2) TERRY'S AGENT REPORTS
3) GATHERING NUTS IN MAY
4)   AFPA GAMESMEET IN 2 MONTHS

====Part 2
5) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD  HOROSCOPE

====Part 3
6) LETTERS FROM ALL OVER

====Part 4
7)  WINTERSMITH -- ADVANCE PEEK
8) DISCWORLD QUIZ
9) LIMERICK CONTEST
10)  YES VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SENIOR  WRANGLER
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 1

1) TERRY CANCELS TRIP TO WORLDCON

We've just heard from Terry in  regard to his trip to the
2006 Los Angeles Worldcon, where he  had been
confirmed as a program participant for this year's  convention,
scheduled for August 23-27th.  Terry writes:

"I'm  sorry to say that I will almost certainly not be able to attend
Worldcon this  year.  From mid- August I'm down to do the UK
Discworld con, the  Worldcon,  the German tour, the UK 'Wintersmith'
tour and then the US  tour -- and those are only the *major* things
in the well speckled  diary.  Oh, and I should be doing some WRITING,
too.  So I'm  shedding what I can, and that means Worldcon has to go.
It's a bugger,  because I'm fully paid up, but I've learned the hard
way the need to bleed  some space into the schedule.

"If 'Making Money' writes itself fast, I  suppose I might make a last
minute dash to get there just for the craic, but  I wouldn't want
anyone to bet on it.

"All the best."

-- Terry  Pratchett
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2)  TERRY'S AGENT REPORTS

Colin Smythe reveals there is a virtual flood of  Pratchett activity
in every corner of the globe.:

" I've heard from  Peter Tabern of Childsplay that the BBC will be
broadcasting the combined  version of the three episodes of
JOHNNY AND THE BOMB in the autumn - exact  date not yet
announced - to be followed by the release of the DVD before  Christmas.

"I've just received copies of the BCA Unseen Library's next  three
quarter leather bound titles - Small Gods, Lords & Ladies, Men at  Arms

Also coming out are:

* L'Atalante's French edition of Night  Watch - Ronde de Nuit.
* Vuzev's Discworld Calendar 2006 (a Bulgarian version  of  the
1999 English calendar).
* Talpress's Czech  edition of Going Postal, and their Slovakian
edition of Equal  Rites.
* Piper's German language ediiton of The Science of Discworld:
Darwin's Watch.
* Manhattan's German translation of A Hat Full of  Sky and a reissue
of their graphic novel edition of Mort.
*  Varrak's Estonian editions of Maskerade,  and Feet of Clay.
*  Wahlstram's Swedish edition of Hogfather.
* Plaza y Janes' Spanish edition  of Maskerade.
* Pocket's mass-market French edition of Feet of Clay.
*  Laguna's Serbian edition of Interesting Times.
* Karisto's Finnish edition  of Eric
*Praszynski's Polish edition of The Unadulterated Cat.
and
*  Piper's new paperback of the German edition of The
Colour of Magic  (originally published by Heyne).

Rights sales

* Ucila in Slovenia  are buying The Light Fantastic, Equal Rites,
Mort, Sourcery and Wyrd Sisters,  taking over from Vale-Novak
who published The Colour of Magic
* Varrak in  Estonia are buying Jingo
* Karisto in Finland are acquiring Maskerade
*  Conrad in Brazil:  Reaper Man and Witches Abroad
* Noesis in  Romania:  Pyramids
* Laguna in Serbia/Montenegro: Feet of Clay
*  Science Fiction World Magazine in mainland China:
Equal Rites, Mort  and Sourcery

The Stephen Briggs recording of GOOD OMENS will be
released by ISIS in July, and will have the Josh Kirby cover
illustration that was commissioned by Heyne for their German
edition of  the book, and hasn't yet been used for any English
language  edition.

The new American edition, of GOOD OMENS published by Morrow,
is being issued in two difference covers - it's easier to look at
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/0060853964/ref=dp_
image_0/103-3662430-7699012?%5Fencoding=UTF8&n=283155&s=books
than  for me to describe them. The book contains new material
by each of the  authors.

This week, in the TES (Times Education Supplement) in shops  now
until next Thursday (6th April), there is a full-size pullout poster of
Terry
in the Teacher pullout, with teachers' notes on teaching about Terry's
life and works.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) 3) GATHERING NUTS IN MAY
by Anna M.  Conina

Production will begin on the _Hogfather_ film in April at
3  Mills Studios.  For more information,  see:

http://www.4rfv.co.uk/industrynews.asp?ID=49476

There's still  no word on who will be cast as Susan.
However, there *has* been word  on who will be cast as extras . . .
possibly you! Bernard Pearson, owner of  "The Cunning Artificer"
Discworld shop in Wincanton, posted the following  announcement
on his website message board on Saturday, March 25:

The  film company *The Mob* are (as I'm sure you are aware) making
the Hogfather  film for Sky Television.
They have asked me to cast my net in the sea of  Discworld and
come up with 70 or 80 good folk, silly enough to want to  appear in a
crowd scene. It will be the Great Hall of the UU and we need  Wizards,
Students, and a few serving wenches. Obviously there are more  students
than wizards, and serving wenches can be of all ages.

Now  you must understand, there is no money, it will be a very early
start in  London about or on the 1st May, you'll be hanging around
for hours, told to  keep quiet, and most importantly:

YOU MUST HAVE YOUR OWN  COSTUME.

If a beard is part of your character then it has to be a good  one, really
good,
and with all the chains, baubles and sashes as described  in the DW Companion.

If you are a student then the costume has to be  *right* from late medieval
to 19th century, again let the DWC be your  guide.

Wenches and Maids: A mop cap, black garments, large  apron.

What you have to do is this:
Send a picture full face, like a  passport photo of you unadorned,
then another, this one full length of you  in costume via E-mail to
tom@... These can be sent  through
the post or e-mailed. If posted I cannot guarantee they will be  returned,
and they must be very clearly labelled.

I will then send  all the information to the casting director at the Mob
who will make the  decision of who he can use.

I need your pictures in by no later than the  5th April, and I must
reiterate I am not doing the casting; it's the  professionals at the
Mob studio that make all the decisions.

Granted, this is a bit of a commute for our many non-British readers,
but what a unique opportunity!  I'm sure I can rustle up a black dress,
mob cap, and apron.  It's the plane ticket that may pose a problem . .  . .
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) AFPA GAMESMEET  IN 2 MONTHS

At last! The 6th annual gamesmeet!

So, if this is a  meet, whom are we meeting on this lovely
27th-28th of May?

May I  present to you, in the blue corner: Lasergun!
Responsible for countless  heaving and sweating afp-ers[1], premature
demises and frantic comparisons of  statistics. What's worse the an American
with the entire score sheet of last  years baseball league? A meet of afpers
with their laserquest score  sheets.

And in the red corner: Creator of heavy thinking, weighting of  options and
concentration: Stack of board games!

As always one of the  first to be dissected at the start of the meet but ever
rejuvenating, it is  still going strong. Watch its classical moves, where it
floors an entire  group of over 10 people with a simple stack of Munchkin,
how it outgeeks even  the saviest of programmers with Roborally or squeezes
the last drops of  creativity with its "Once upon a time". Or maybe it will
be the battle  between wherewolves and musquitos again. And don't discount
its new moves,  who knows what kind of killer blow it has thought up this
time?

There  we go, the mood is set and the question is: Are you up to it?

Let me  know, the sooner the better, especially if we actually want
Laserquest to  take place.

For those who have never been there before[2] and want to  know the short
version: Gathering in the Eindhoven trainstation (exact  starting time to be
announced, but around 13:00). From there we move on to  Laserquest. Please
people, be there on time. Afterwards, we go to my place in  Geldrop where we
will play games, drink, eat food, play some more games and  drink some more.

Crash space is available (it is called floor so bring  your own stuff. I have
a few emergency things, but not many). Next morning  breakfast, playing of
some more games, going home. Sleeping is  optional.

Bring with you: Board[3] games, the less known, the better.  Sleeping stuff.
Good weather if you want a few rounds of wherewolf. I'll take  care of the
rest.

Any questions: Mail me!

Hope to see lots of  you,
Eelco

[1] They chase each other around in the arena, right. Get  your mind out of
the gutter, the one you are thinking about is #afp.
[2]  tsk, tsk, tsk...
[3] In the loosest sense of the word. Basically, everything  non-computer.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
If   you did not get all 4 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
End   of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 4



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2006 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------

7)  WINTERSMITH -- ADVANCE PEEK

At 9, Tiffany Aching defeated the cruel Queen  of Fairyland.

At 11, she battled an ancient body-stealing evil.

At  13, Tiffany faces a new challenge: a boy.  And boys can be
a bit of a  problem when you're thirteen.

But the Wintersmith isn't exactly a  boy.  He is Winter itself --
snow, gales, icicles -- all of it. When he  has a crush on Tiffany,
he may make her roses out of ice, but his nature is  blizzards
and avalanches.  And he wants Tiffany to stay in his  gleaming,
frozen world.  Forever.

Tiffany Aching is a trainee  witch - now working for the seriously
scary Miss Treason. But when Tiffany  witnesses the Dark Dance --
the crossover from summer to winter - she does  what no one has
ever done before and leaps into the dance, into the oldest  story
there ever is, and draws the attention of the Wintersmith  himself...

As Tiffany-shaped snowflakes hammer down on the land, can  Tiffany
deal with the consequences of her actions? Even with the help of
Granny Weatherwax and the Nac Mac Feegle - the fightin',
thievin'  pictsies who are prepared to lay down their lives for their
'big wee hag'  ...

It's going to be a cold, cold season, because if Tiffany  doesn't
survive until Spring -- Spring won't come.

Publication date:  US October 1, 2006, price  $16.99
UK September 28,  2006
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) DISCWORLD QUIZ

Discworld Multiple choice quiz ye Seconde

Being a modest selection  of Disc-related brain-ticklers and memory-
teasers

by Annie Mac and  Steven D'Aprano

1. What device or artifact did Tiffany Aching employ to  overcome
Jenny Green-teeth?

a) kung fu
b) Wentworth
c) an 8-inch  frying pan

2. Who introduced Cohen the Barbarian to  "dine-chewers"?

a) the Chieftain of the Horse People
b)  Twoflower
c) Farrah Fawcett

3. What first tipped Vimes off that  Corporal Littlebottom was female?

a) her high-heeled iron boots
b) her  sparkly green dress
c) her lipstick

4. In Maskerade, Salzella claimed  that all musical instruments are
"incredibly expensive to repair" with one  possible exception:

a) triangles
b) MacFeegle mousepipes
c) the  spoons

5. The Dwarf in charge of printing The Times was called:

a)  Gimlet Grimfodder
b) Gunilla Goodmountain
c) Worsel Gummidge

6.  Name three poisons commonly (or snobbishly) used by the  Assassins'
Guild:

a) Mur, Nig and Eniru
b) Darestim, Daturon and  Iocaine
c) Bloat, Lord Downey's mint humbugs, and Wasp Agaric

7. The  Agateans' deadly explosive device is known as a:

a) Flaming Dragon
b)  Screaming Mimi
c) Barking Dog
d) Barbarian Vampire Ghost

8. In "The  Seventh Wife of Greenbeard", according to Malicia Grim,
Mrs Greenbeard  stabbed her husband in the eye with:

a) an umbrella
b) a frozen  herring
c) dangerous beans

9. When Albert was working as a Hogswatch  pixie, he called himself:

a) Old Man Trouble
b) Fairy  Peaseblossom
c) Uncle Heavy

10. The notice over the Gates of Hell in  "Eric" reads:

a) "You don't have to be 'damned' to work here, but it  helps!!!"
b) "It's not where you stand, it's which way you face!!!"
c)  "Rooms available!!! Apply at desk!!!!!"

11. The Spouter breed of swamp  dragon tends to:

a) Piddle reginic acid when excited
b) Explode in the  presence of mint
c) Drop its scales at the first sign of danger
d) all of  the above

12. What were the most vital ingredients in Mrs Gogol's  gumbo?

a) snakes' heads and ladies' fingers
b) parsley, sage, rosemary  and thyme
c) dried prawns and  gris-gris
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) LIMERICK CONTEST

Alas, our call for limericks seems to have  fallen on deaf ears.
Are there no poets among us?

Even I can produce  one:

There once was a fellow named Rob
Who they say was a bit of a  slob
He married the Kelda
(Who was somewhat his elda)
And got a more  lucrative job.

Annie Mac is a limericks dynamo:

Said His Grace,  the Duke Samuel Vimes
"We're solving most violent crimes
"I'm glad of the  hype
"But I've one major gripe:
"They got my age wrong in The  Times!"

____

Moist Von Lipwig, Postmaster of wiles
Offered  stamps in some true-to-life styles
"Quirm Reals" - no misnomer!
Their  pungent aroma
Preceded deliv'ry by miles.
____

Littlebottom, a  Dwarf of the Watch
Has raised her race-profile a notch
She excels at  deduction
But, if there's a ruction
Gives good Dwarfish kicks to the  crotch!
____

File Rust under "citizens, leading"
He's a man of  impeccable breeding
But though he can muster
Rude upper-crust  bluster
His true "inner chin" is
...receding.
____

The Captain  called Carrot's phlegmatic
Dependable; never erratic
Though some think him  "slow"
He dupes them, y'know:
There's far more than dust in *his*  attic.
____

A fabulous fellow is Death
He dances without drawing  breath
His phizogg's quite fearful
But is he e'er cheerful?
"The  anther," says Igor, "ith YETH."
____

Mistress Ogg is a witchsome old  nanna
She's quite good at managing mana
But I sadly must tell:
She's  not yet found a spell
To stop spelling banananana.
____

O, praise  the most marvellous Clacks!
Now messages travel in packs
Technological  terrors
Are prone, though, to errors
When semaphore mangles the  facts...
____

Magrat, stressed-out Highness of Lancre
For simpler  times does oft hanker:
No national notions
Just brewing up potions
For  folks who remember to thank 'er.
____

The scrumptious cuisine of  Brindisi
Kept Henry Slugg's kitchen staff busy
Though he hates to eat  it
We all know his secret -
He's no real Brindisian, is 'e?

I guess  we'll just have to hold the contest open until April 25th.
Please  send all entries to:
_jschaum111@..._ (mailto:jschaum111@...)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10)  YES VIRGINIA,  THERE IS A SENIOR WRANGLER
Senior Wrangler: not just an Unseen University  position!

by Steven D'Aprano

At the University of Cambridge in the  United Kingdom, a wrangler is a
student who has completed the third year  (called Part II) of the
Mathematical Tripos with first-class  honours.

The highest-scoring student is named the "senior wrangler"; the  second
highest-scoring student is the "second wrangler"; the third highest  is the
"third wrangler", and so on. Last is (or was) the wooden  spoon.

Senior wranglers have included some of Britain's most brilliant
mathematicians and scientists, including John Herschel, George Stokes and
Lord Rayleigh and J. E. Littlewood. John Couch Adams scored so well, that
there was a greater gap between him and the second wrangler than between the
second wrangler and the wooden spoon.

Interestingly, there are some  equally if not more famous names associated
with the rank of second wrangler  (such as James Clerk Maxwell, J.J. Thomson
and Lord Kelvin). Legend has it  that Kelvin was so confident that he had
come top of the exam that he asked  his servant to run to the Senate House
and check who the second wrangler  was. The servant returned and informed
him, "You, sir!". It is also  suggested that the final exam required the
students to write a proof of a  theorem (which Kelvin himself had provided
the proof for, earlier in the  course); unfortunately, because he had created
it, it hadn't occurred to him  to learn it, and he spent a lot of time
working it out from scratch - while  the student who achieved Senior Wrangler
put it down to having committed the  proof to memory.

The first woman to top the maths list, albeit  unofficially, was Philippa
Fawcett, who took the exams in 1890. At the time,  women were not officially
ranked, although they were told how they had done  compared to the male
candidates, so she was ranked "above the senior  wrangler".

from  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wrangler
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright  2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 4 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
APRIL 2006  (Volume 9, Issue 4)
Part 1 of 4  Sections
*****************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian  Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American  Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a  member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are  there any dues?
No.  Just ask to be put on the mailing  list.
*******************************************************************
Editor   in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News  Editor:  Anna M. Conina
Convention News Editor: Anna M.Conina
Staff  Writers: Asti Osborn, Paul Blake, Steven D'Aprano
Book Reviews:  Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: volunteer needed
DW Horoscope:  Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World  Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins,  disk@...
Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign  Legion
ooo  ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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INDEX:

====Part  1
1) BELATED BIRTHDAY  GREETINGS
2) MEET THE MODERATORS
3) FULL CAST ON BOARD FOR HOGFATHER
4)  YES, WE HAVE NO GERMAN CON IN 2006
5) ELTON'S E-BAY GOODIES
6) NOREASCON:  DVDS AVAILABLE
7) THE THEATRE

====Part 2
8) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD  HOROSCOPE

====Part 3
8) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (cont'd)
9)  LETTERS FROM ALL OVER
10) DOUBLE THE OMENS (book review)

====Part  4
11) THE MAN IN THE HAT
12) DW X 12 (book review)
13) DISCWORLD QUIZ -  ANSWERS
14) LIMERICK  CONTEST
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 1
1) BELATED BIRTHDAY GREETINGS

Fellow Mages, Students, Technomancers,  Newbies and Libwolf,

It's come to our attention that the original  and true founder of this
University, Mr Man-in-Hat, will turn 58 on Friday,  April 28th.

Let's all join together in wishing him at least 42 more of  these
birthday things, so he can write a LOT more about  Discworld!

And so say all of  us...
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) MEET  THE MODERATORS
by Anna M.  Conina

Most of you probably know that Terry's U.S. publisher is  HarperCollins,
and his official website is  http://www.terrypratchettbooks.com.  However,
you may not know that I  became moderator of the message board on
this website in September  2005.  I'm delighted to announce that as of this
month, at my request,  Jason Anthony of _Discworld Monthly_ has kindly
agreed to take time out of  his busy schedule to join me as a part-time
message board moderator! I think  it was my promise to buy him a
beer at the August Discworld convention which  finally tipped the balance.

Besides providing additional moderator  coverage (and allowing me
to take vacations without frantically hunting for  Internet cafes),
Jason brings to the board a wealth of knowledge about  Discworld
events and Discworld fandom, which makes him one of the best
assets any Terry Pratchett message board could have. I encourage
everyone to please stop by the message board, say hello to me,
and join  me in welcoming Jason with an enthusiastic "Oook!"

And buy the man a  well-deserved beer while you're at  it.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) FULL  CAST ON BOARD FOR HOGFATHER
by Anna M.  Conina

UK cabsat channel Sky One and producer/distributor
RHI  Entertainment have started production on the high-definition
live-action/CGI  adaptation of author Terry Pratchett's fantasy fiction
HOGFATHER, and named  a full cast.

Among the talent are UK actor David Jason, already confirmed  in
the role of Albert; Joss Ackland (Midsomer Murders) as Mustrum
Ridcully; Marc Warren (Hustle, State of Play) as Teatime; David
Warner  (Planet of the Apes) as Lord Downey; and Nigel Planer
(The Young Ones) as Mr  Sideney.

Production is scheduled for completion by late June, when
The Moving Picture Company will start on over 1,000 hours of CGI  work

Pratchett has also confirmed he will make a cameo appearance  in
the film, which will air on Sky One at Christmas 2006.

Production  was set to begin on the HOGFATHER film in April at
3 Mills Studios.   For more information,  see:

http://www.4rfv.co.uk/industrynews.asp?ID=49476

We had been  asked to cast our net in the sea of Discworld and
come up with 70 or 80 good  folk, silly enough to want to appear in a
crowd scene.

Sorry to  report that the casting call has been cancelled.  The good
news is that  there was no money involved, and you will have avoided
hanging around for  hours, being told to keep quiet, and most importantly:
you would have needed  your own costume.

For those of you who had already purchased your own  costume,
the film makers express their regrets.  Perhaps you can use  it
at some future DW fan gathering.  We do hope that there were
not  hordes of costumed DW fans thronging the streets of London
around 3 Mills  Studio in early April and scaring the populace.

If you'd like to see some  advance pix of the film so far, be sure to
keep a close eye on the news  section at www.paulkidby.com in
the coming months!  The site has  revealed early images from the
_Hogfather_ film production, including a photo  of actress Michelle
Dockery in costume as  Susan.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4)  YES,  WE HAVE NO GERMAN CON IN  2006
by Anna M.  Conina

We've been informed that the German Sektoberfest planned for 1-3
September (the same weekend as Wadfest) has been cancelled.
This means  the first German Discworld convention will be the
Scheibenwelt-Fest, which  is taking place at Freusburg zu Siegen
from 23-25 February 2007. Their  website address is
http://www.discworld-convention.de/.. Terry has told me that  he will not be
there as it clashes
with an American convention which he  promised  to attend over
eighteen months ago, and the only way he would  be able to attend the
Fest would be if that convention was cancelled.  Stephen Briggs,
Trevor Truran, Bernard Pearson and others plan to be at the  US con.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) ELTON'S  E-BAY GOODIES

An e-mail from Elton Murphy of Collector's Gifts says they  have
recently listed more items in their eBay shop. Many of the items
listed are quite rare and are offered on the 'Buy It Now' system!

You  can view all of their listings  at:

http://www.collectorsgifts.co.uk/rd/cg/

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6)  NOREASCON: DVDS AVAILABLE
by Anna M.  Conina

If you missed Terry's guest of honor appearance at Noreascon
Four, or you just want to relive the fun, you're in luck.  The
Noreascon committee has compiled DVDs of several of the major
convention  events: "Time Machine," "The Masquerade," "The 2004
Hugo Awards," and, for  those who purchase the full set, a bonus
disc of the opening and closing  ceremonies and time-lapse convention
footage.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) THE  THEATRE
(courtesy of Discworld Monthly)

* Bookonear  are adapting PYRAMIDS as a German language audio play
(in the same format as  their production of Guards! Guards!) for release
in early May. They also  plan to issue a similar production of LORDS
AND LADIES.

* [UK]  Waterside Theatre Company will be performing Guards! Guards! At
The Waterside  Theatre, Holbury, Nr Southampton from May 18th - 20th
2006. For more details,  see: http://www.watersidetheatrecompany.org.uk
Tickets 7.00 GBP and 6.00 GBP  concessions available on 023 80841533

* [UK] The Stockport Garrick  Theatre will be performing Lords and
Ladies from the 10th-17th June.   Tickets cost 7.50 GBP (6 GBP for
concessions).For more details:  http://www.stockportgarrick.co.uk

* [AU] Unseen Theatre Company  will be performing Jingo from June 28 to
July 15. More details can be found  at  http://unseen.com.au/

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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If  you did not get all 4 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
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End   of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of  4







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2006 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8)  YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

LADY  ASTERISK IS UNWELL

We are sad to announce that our famed Horroscopist and  Astro-
illogicaler, Anaemia Asterisk, has been diagnosed with a severe  case
of Exhaustia Nervosa and has taken herself off to Genua for a  nice
bowl of Mrs Gogol's restorative gumbo. However, WOSSNAME has  procured
(at great expense, we might add) the services of the Disc's  only
recognised** female Bard, Mistress "Weird Alice" Lancrevic, who  has
deigned to create some appropriate ditties for certain famous  Discly
persons born under the variouf and diverf Signs.  Furthermore,
Mistress Lanvrevic has graciously agreed (at yet more expense)  to
provide us hereafter with an especially crafted song or two  every
month. Only one or two, mind. Even a fanzine has to have  *some*
standards!

Lady Asterisk assures us that her absence will be  brief and that she
will be well enough to resume her Horrorscopic duties next  month.

** Recognised by all but the Associated and Ancient Bards of  Llamedos
-- those traditionalist, patriarchalist  so-and-so's...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog   21 Mar - 20 Apr

For Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh and Commander of the  Watch

VIMES' WAY

And now my Sybil's near
And so I face some  posh nob's soiree
My Watch, I'll make it clear:
That unsolved case is  cause for worry
I've lived a life that's charmed, mostly unharmed
Though  oft in crime's way
What's more, I'll tell you this - I did it Vimes'  way.

Regrets, I've had a few (e.g. Reg Shoe), but now I'm wiser
No  haze...of booze, my day's
Arranged by my Dis-organiser
de Worde won't give  my due; I'll interview - but not The Times' way
From war to wedded bliss - I  do it Vimes' way

For what is a Guard? What life's he got?
Besides  himself, he has the Watch
To serve the Law, to walk the beats
And to  protect Ankh-Morpork's streets
And though I'm tough, I'm not corrupt - I do  things Vimes' way!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of  Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

For Reg Shoe of the Watch

PRETTY FLY  FOR A DEAD GUY

Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
Give it to me,  ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
And all the  Vitals say I'm pretty fly for a dead guy

My skin is more than cool, I'm a  walking talking corpse
I'm not a ghost or ghoul but I haven't got  life-force
My breathing days are through
But there's no call for  grief
Cos all the life I lack, well, I fake with sheer belief!

I don't  dare cough, because my bits fall off
You know Igor's gonna sew 'em back on,  but he'll scoff
Gotta scrimp and save for a tidy grave
For me, no  breath
For me, Undeath
It's no major strife to live my afterlife
At  least I'll show you by example and you'll see the light
The world needs new  zombies
You're slacking if you wanna breathe
The world needs new  zombies
So oooh, do that Postvital  thing!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21  Jun

For Susan, Duchess of Sto Helits

WON'T HEAR THE  REAPER

Ahh, again Grandfather's gone
But his day-job carries  on
See, I won't hear the Reaper
Nor do his round - it messes my brain (I  won't be what he is)
Go 'way, Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
I won't wear  that dress (won't hear the Reaper)
I'm not wielding that scythe (won't hear  the Reaper)
Binky, I'm not Death!

Stopping Time is fun
But I'm  human from here on
Came a Rat and a Raven
I made it clear I couldn't be  arsed
Then the window opened and the horse appeared
Walked through the  wall and disappeared
I said, "Nuh-uh, that's way too weird" (la-la-la, I  can't hear)
Go 'way, Raven (tell you I can't hear)
And I ran away (got my  thumbs in my ears)
Got my poker and I let fly (don't wanna be like  Granddad)
Now I'm taking my stand (don't wanna read lifetimers)
Go 'way,  Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
go 'way, Ratty (won't hear the Reaper)
Go  'way, Raven
Won't hear the  Reaper...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and  Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

For William de Worde, Editor and Proprietor of  the A-M Times

I'D PRINT ANYTHING FOR TRUTH (BUT I WON'T PRINT  THAT)

And I would print anything for Truth,
I'd send The Times right  through the Clacks
I would do anything for Truth
But I won't publish til I  check my facts
And I'll never go out without my notepad now, oh no, no  way
And I would print anything for Truth
Oh, I would print anything for  Truth
But I can't use *that*, oh no, I won't print *that*.

If Cori  Celesti's burning, if you say the Disc's stopped turning
I want an exclusive  interview - and then I'll proofread it
I would print anything for Truth, I  cherish rightness over tact
I would print anything for Truth, I took a vow to  be exact
And I'll never forgive my staff if any detail isn't right
And I  would print anything for Truth
Oh, I would print anything for Truth
I  would print anything for Truth
But I won't print *that*, no I won't print  *that*...

"Will you write this up, will you set this down
"Will you  tell me the gossip in this Patrician's town?
"Will you give me news that  isn't too old?"
I can print that, oh yes! I can print that!

I know  Ankh-Morpork, yes, I do my rounds
And despite grief from Rust, I will not  leave town
>And sooner or later I'll be writing that down -
I can print  that
Yes, I *can* print  that!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

For Nobby Nobbs of the  Watch

NOTHING BUT COPPERS

Well now, we call this the act of  policing, but
There are several very important distinctions
Between  Watchmen and civilians you should know about
(Don't beat folks up in the  Butts)

Shades baby, Shades baby, crime is a Morpork catch-me
You can't  do that kind of stuff cos that's what coppers know about
So put yer swag down  and dance, now I bet you feel dumb
Yes, I'm Nobby, yes, he's Colon, and yer  gettin' nicked, my chum
Be nice enough, we won't rough you up
Unlicenced  Thieves outta yer cribs
Larceny-lovers, we've got you covered - like Sham  Harga's famous ribs
Come quick, Forensics, establish dead Dwarf's sex
Send  for Sergeant Detritus!
I am inclined to take my smoking break early
By the  Brass Bridge, wasting time
Book 'em now!

You an' me, Fred, we ain't  nothin' but coppers
So let's take 'em down the Yard and we can lock 'em up  proper
You an' me, Fred, ain't nothin' but coppers
So let's follow good  procedure and we won't come a cropper
Getting legal  now!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23  Sept

For King Verence II of Lancre

LANCRE QUEEN

Friday  night and the scumble's low - Lancre town is the place to go
Shawn Ogg's  practising trumpet
With his arm in a sling
He'll make me sound like a  King
I'm quite Foolish, but I'm their guy - I'm okay in the public  eye
With my Magrat beside me, everything is fine
She makes me toe the  line
And she is mine, all mine...

She is my Lancre Queen, vague and  wet but her magic's keen
Lancre Queen, mucking in to keep Lancre clean, oh  yeah
She can chant spells for life, she makes a wonderful wife
See that  witch, witch in green
She is my Lancre Queen.

She's a mum and she  cleans my room - guards the kingdom on her broom
Nagged by Nanny and Esme,  what's a Queen to do?
Oh well, she knows kung-fu
And she has occult  jewels...

She is my Lancre Queen, prim and proper with good  hygiene
Lancre Queen, best this country has ever seen, oh yeah
She wears  pants, she's so nice, and she makes house-calls to Slice!
See that witch,  witch serene
She is my Lancre  Queen.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

For Ponder Stibbons of the UU High Energy Magic  Department

I WANNA HEX YOU UP

C'mon HEX, why aren't you running?  Cos you know I want news..

I don't wanna do spells to work you
Cos  quantum's better
Looky, I'm slipping in your FTB - Big Mad Adrian can tend  you all day
Cos the first time I built you, I wanted to eat some  pizza
Your anthills are throbbin', so HEX, can I work you?
Cos you and I  both know magic's for squares
I'll get the Wow-Wow Sauce outta the pond
I  want you to print the first thing on your mind
Cos on a scale of one to ten,  no question you're an Eight
I'm addicted to you cos you answer stuff
And  Wizards, Ponder Stibbons
Is gonna HEX you up!

Hey, Great Thinking  Engine, I need facts tonight
Lovely, lovely data
I wanna make the Bursar's  night, yeah
I can't deny, HEXy, I wanna feed you cheese
You're such a fine  machine - all I wanna do is

I want to HEX you up (I wanna HEX you  up)
All night (need some sushi and cheese)
I want to (here's your FTB!)  HEX you up.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Androgyna Majestis  24  Oct - 22 Nov

For Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson of the A-M  Watch

DWARFISH PEOPLE

She came from Uberwald with her own  collar
Studied policing for the Morpork dollar
That's when I
Walked on  by
Told her the mines were where I grew up
She said, "In that case I'll  have rat-onna-stick with catsup"
I said, "Fine."
In Gimlet's delicatessen  she said,
"I want to live like Dwarfish people
"I want to do what Dwarfish  people do
"I want to mine with Dwarfish people,
"I want to mine with a  dezka-knick, like you."

Well, what else could I do - I said, "Gr'duzk to  you!"
I took her to the Jar'ak'haga
I don't know why, but maybe cos I'm a  Dr'zka, so we started there.
I said, "Pretend you're three foot  seven."
She just laughed and said "Oh, you're so clever."
I said, "Yeah?  Well, I can't see any B'zugda-hiara here!
"Are you sure you want to live like  Dwarfish people,
"You want to eat whatever Dwarfish people eat,
"You want  to mine with Dwarfish people,
"You want to mine with Dwarf Kzad-bhats, like  me?"

But she didn't really grok
She just smiled and stroked my  Kruk...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23  Nov - 21 Dec

For Leonard of Quirm

I'M TOO BRAINY

I'm too  brainy for my robes, too brainy for my robes
I've got postfrontal  lobes
And I'm too brainy for Sto Lat,
Too brainy for Sto Lat, Morpork and  Bad Ass
And I'm too brainy for your city, too brainy for your city
Oh yes,  I'm sitting pretty

I'm a thinker, you know what I mean
And I do my  inspired turn with my notebook
Yes, with my notebook, with my  notebook
Yes, I do my calculations in my notebook

I'm too brainy for  your wars, too brainy to make war
Don't know what it's for
And I'm too  brainy for my skull, too brainy for my skull
Why do you think I went  bald?

I'm too brainy for Lord Vet, too brainy for Lord Vet
Poor  Patrician, poor Havelock
I'm too brainy for my books, too brainy for my  books
Librarian's going to punch me

And I'm too brainy for this  Disc!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec -  20 Jan

For Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork

RULING  POLITICIAN

Ankh is bigger
Bigger than Sam Vimes, and Vimes is not  me
The plots that I will go through
The Dark Clerks in my pay
I never  say too much, just set them up

That's me in the Palace, kept out of the  spotlight: Ruling Politician
Trying to stay Number One, and I can keep the  city running
I never say too much - and mimes don't say enough
I thought  that I heard Assassins, I thought Drumknott let some in
I think he thought  that I can't die...

Every whimper in every scorpion pit, "Damned Ruling  Politician!"
I try to keep an eye on you
Beggars, Seamstresses and  Fools
I never say too much, just wind you up

Consider me: the Scourge  of the War of Leshp
Consider me: the Gonne that brought me to my knees  failed
Those secret societies
Come flailing around
Still, I don't say  too much
I thought that I heard some Klatchians, or Dungeon Dimensions  din
I think they thought they might slip by

But that was just their  scheme, that was just their scheme
That's me in the Palace, that's me in the  hot seat
Ruling as  Patrician...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
End  of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of  4
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If  you did not get all 4 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2006 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
8)  YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued)

by Lady Anaemia  Asterisk

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large  Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

For Lu-Tze of the History  Monks

SWEEPING WITH MY BROOM

Careful steps are what I take,  sweeping with my broom
Fresh history I make, sweeping with my broom
I  create Forever, sweeping with my broom
I cause quantum weather
Sweeping  with, sweeping with my broom.

I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my  broom
I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my broom
I have hardly touched my  tea, sweeping with my broom
Qu makes too much work for me
Sweeping with,  sweeping with my broom.

Some may say, "The future's not yesterday" - no  way
I'm spinning out Time to pay - your way
Tomorrow's a tick away - make  hay!
The Abbot will play...

Cosmopilite, yo-yo
Cosmopilite  yo-yo
The Yeti's right,  yo-yo.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser Umbrage   19  Feb - 20 Mar

For Igor

MY PARTS WILL GO ON

Every night in my  lab
I sew you, I mend you
That is how an Igor goes on
Far across the  futures and sutures between us
I have come to prove I go on

Ears,  hearts, I keep them in jars
And believe that my parts will go on
Once more  I rebuild my core
From my eyes to my toenails, my parts will go on and  on.

Surgery's not "one-time", it's more like a lifestyle
Never stop  improving technique
Love is fixing organs (like kidneys and bile  glands)
In post-life an Igor's unique

Arms, knees, I cure of  disease
To make sure that my parts will go on
Once more, I close open  sores
From my hair to my liver, my parts will go on and on.

Sit here,  there's nothing to fear
For you know that my medicine's strong
Brains,  nerves, I heal and preserve
You are safe on my slab
And my parts will go  on and on.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A KEY TO SONG TITLES FOR THE  MUSICALLY INEPT

My Way (Frank Sinatra): Vimes' Way
Pretty Fly for a  White Guy (Offspring): Pretty Fly for a Dead Guy
Don't Fear the Reaper (Blue  Oyster Cult): Won't Hear the Reaper
I'd Do Anything for Love (Meat Loaf): I'd  Print Anything for Truth
Nothing But Mammals (Bloodhound Gang): Nothing But  Coppers
Dancing Queen (ABBA): Lancre Queen
I Wanna Sex You Up (Color Me  Badd): I Wanna HEX You Up
Common People (Pulp): Dwarfish People
I'm Too  Sexy (Right Said Fred): I'm Too Brainy
Losing My Religion (REM): Ruling  Politician
Walking on the Moon (Police): Sweeping With My Broom
My Heart  Will Go On (Celine Dion): My Parts Will Go  On
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

... and there you  have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you  have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Lady Asterisk.   If she's in a good mood,
she might even answer  them.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9.)  LETTERS FROM ALL OVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FEMALE  DWARFS

To the Editor:

At School, Susan has too good friends...one  is a troll called Jade
and the other is a Female Dwarf called Gloria,  who also makes mention
of her grandmother. This is a few novels before Feet  of Clay where we
learn that dwarfs never show if they are male or  female.

Does this mean that the events in Soul Music occur before Feet  of
Clay or was there some small group of rebel Dwarfs before  this?

-- Scott Gibson

To the Editor:

It was a school for  girls - being demonstratively female may have
been a requirement of  entry.

-- Paul Godsil

To the Editor:

"Demonstratively  female"? What, like throwing hissy bitch-fits and
wearing too much lipstick  and constantly moaning about PMS?

I think you'll find the word you wanted  is "demonstrably" :P

-- Scott Gibson

To the Editor:

Scott  Gibson wrote:
> At School, Susan has too good friends...

Hmmm, I've  heard about those expensive girls' schools...

-- Jase  Parlevliet

To the Editor:

Actually, I noticed this in re-reading  Guards! Guards! - Minty is referred
to as female several times, including use  of feminine pronouns. Call it an
"alternative past"?

--  ConMan
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

CASTING  GREEBO

To the Editor:

Alas, Kevin Smith is no more - he would have  been the
perfect Greebo *le sigh*.

Oddly enough, I was going to  suggest him - except for the whole
being-dead bit...

--Norwegian  Blue

To the Editor:

Maybe put him down for Reg Shoe  then...

-- Jase

To the Editor:

I always thought  Banderas.  The good balance of
rogue and charm. He also now has  experience as a cat.

-- Maggie K. Bloome

To the Editor:

I  think Sean Bean fits the bill better - he's more rugged
and although I don't  think he's attractive at all, I'm told a
lot of people do.

-- The  Snow Queen
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10)  DOUBLE THE OMENS, DOUBLE THE  FUN
by Anna M.  Conina

REPENT, FOR THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH!

All right, I  confess.  It's really just a book about the Apocalypse:
the new  HarperCollins/William Morrow edition of _Good Omens_.
But I got your  attention, now, didn't I?

Yes, the novel that dared to put the "antic"  back in "Antichrist"
is back and better than ever at a bookstore near  you.  Based on
an initial design concept by Neil Gaiman, the new  edition comes
with your choice of two covers. The black-jacket edition  features a
white drawing of Aziraphale and authors credited as Terry  Pratchett
and Neil Gaiman; like Hell's own photographic negative, the
white-jacket edition features a black drawing of Crowley and authors
credited as Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.  If you put the two
together, the subtitle runs across them both:  "THE NICE  AND
ACCURATE PROPH" on the white cover lines up neatly with
"ECIES OF  AGNES NUTTER, WITCH" on the black cover.  The
splash of red in  Aziraphale's book, Crowley's wine glass, and the
subtitle font is echoed in  the red front and back pages; in the
black-covered edition, these pages  feature images of Crowley on
the front page and Aziraphale in back, and vice  versa for the
white-covered edition.  No matter which version you buy,  you'll
have all the artwork.  The underlying cover of both is black,  with
metallic red lettering stamped on the spine.

The text is playful  as well, combining a haloed "O" in "Good"
with an "M" in "Omens" sprouting a  demonic tail.  Taking its cue
from King Arthur's legendary round table,  the clever title page
employs geometry in the service of scrupulous equality;  buttressed
by a harp and pitchfork, both authors' names form a circle so  there
is no "first" or "last."  The headers on the inner pages even  alternate
between "Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett" and "Terry Pratchett and
Neil Gaiman."  Both covers also supplement the original 1990 author
photo with a new photo from the Audio Book Awards dinner in June 2005.
A  standing Terry and a seated Neil raise their wineglasses in a toast
to the  reader, the former clad in a white dinner jacket (and the inevitable
hat)  and the latter in a black tuxedo (and the inevitable sunglasses).
In the  words of Jennifer Brehl, their editor, "their expressions are
priceless."

However, the alterations to this beloved classic have not  been confined
to mere aesthetics.  Both books contain additional  material in the form
of a foreword and three essays:  "Good Omens, the  Facts (or, at least,
lies that have been hallowed by time)"; "Neil Gaiman on  Terry Pratchett";
and "Terry Pratchett on Neil Gaiman."  Some of this  additional material
may be familiar to the truly dedicated fans, the  unashamedly obsessive
ber-geeks like . . . well, me.  I noticed that  Neil Gaiman's essay is
derived from the program piece he wrote to tip his  (strictly metaphorical)
hat to Terry's guest-of-honor-ship at Noreascon  4.*  Most of Terry's tribute
appeared in the program for Boskone 39,  when it was his co-author's turn
to assume the GOH mantle.  Several of  the punchlines in "Good Omens:
The Facts," meanwhile, have served both  authors well in convention
Q&A sessions for many years, usually prior to  explaining, sometimes
with eloquent hand gestures, why they would never,  ever write a sequel
to _Good Omens_, no matter how obscene the sums of cash  on offer.
Never.  _Ever._  End of story.  Next  question, please, from the gentleman
in the back.

And yet . . .  .

One hint that the wind is shifting does not come from the additions,
but from one particular omission.  Conspicuous by its absence  in
Neil Gaiman's essay is this line from the original:
"(No, we  won't write a sequel.)"

Most significant, however, is one brief, shining  paragraph in  "Good
Omens, the facts," which comes from no convention  Q&A on record:

"Recently, though, we've both been wondering if 'never  again' is set
in stone.  So there might be a sequel one day.   Maybe.  Perhaps.
Who knows?  We don't."**

Now, before  you start dancing in the streets, keep in mind that all this
says is that a  sequel is no longer a complete impossibility.  I wouldn't
start  clearing a space on the shelf for _Good Omens 2:  Apocalyptic
Boogaloo_  just yet, or possibly ever.  Nor would I advise Hastur and
Crowley to  invest in double glazing from a telemarketer to ward off
future chills in  the infernal regions.  Still . . . while we may have
missed our golden  chance to see Johnny Depp cast as Crowley
in a film version of _Good  Omens_,*** there's a very, very slim
chance that another, equally glorious  Impossible Dream might yet
come to pass.

As wiser minds than mine  have said:

Maybe.  Perhaps.  Who  knows?

***********************************************************************

*You  can enjoy the entirety of the Why-Neil-Gaiman-Doesn't-
Wear-a-Hat saga, told  from both Terry's and Neil's perspectives
-- it's a  two-for-the-price-of-one, _Rashomon_ of a deal -- when you
buy _Good  Omens_.

**Since this change of heart is, in fact, one of the fabled Signs
of the Apocalypse, it dovetails with the re-release quite nicely.
Speaking of which, try this high-concept sequel premise:
combine  elements of _Good Omens_ with _Where's My Cow_?,
wherein the youthful  Antichrist descends into the heart of darkness
to find higher meaning,  missing livestock, and a means to avert
the second end of the world.   It could be titled . . . wait for it . . .
_Apocalypse Cow_.

Go ahead and hit me.  I deserve it.

***That muffled sound  you hear is worldwide female weeping,
wailing, and gnashing of teeth.   There may be sackcloth and
ashes involved, as well.

**********************************************************************

For  more information:

Excerpts from the February 2006 _Locus Magazine_  interview
with Terry Pratchett and Neil  Gaiman:

http://www.locusmag.com/2006/Issues/02GaimanPratchett.html

Images  of the covers, press release text,  etc.:

http://webcontent.harpercollins.com/images/large/0060853964.jpg

http://www.harpercollins.com/catalog/pratchett/site
/books/description.asp?isbn=0060853964

http://www.terrypratchettbooks.com/news/

http://www.neilgaiman.com/works/books/goodomens

http://www.neilgaiman.com/works/books
/goodomens/pressrelease?format=hb

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
End  of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of  4
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WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2006 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
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11)  THE MAN IN THE HAT:
LITERARY BENCHMARK AND HUMANIST  PHILOSOPHER
by Annie Mac

Terry Pratchett is one of the greatest living wordsmiths in  our
oddly roundishly-shaped world.

“Well, duh,” you say, “of course he  is! That’s not news. We already
knew it.” Ah yes, of course *we* knew it -  “we” being the enlightened
readers of Discworld novels and other works by the  Master - but the
literary world at large has been somewhat slower to  acknowledge this.
Although his novels have long been permanent residents of  the new
bestseller lists, until recently he was considered by the lions  and
scions of academia (also known as Macadamia - May Contain Nuts) to  be
a mere purveyor of fluffy disposable genre-fiction,  Literature-with-
a-big-L’s equivalent of “that wacky, embarrassing mad genius  relative
we don’t talk about and try to ignore at family gatherings”.  However,
the wind is changing now in those chilly corridors of erudition;  not
only is Mr Pratchett being bombarded by an ever-increasing number  of
literary award nominations and actual awards, but essayists  and
Reviewers of Things Literary are now accusing him of being, as  the
title of editor Andrew M. Butler’s book of  Pratchett-deconstructing
essays has it, "Guilty of Literature".

And I  say thee “Yay! For this is a good thing!”

*THE LONG AND POTHOLED  ROAD*

The road to respectability has been a fraught and winding one.  The
Discworld series achieved massive sales and popularity well  before
even the most progressive of book reviewers were willing to  accord
them any status greater than that of "inexplicably popular  fantasy-
genre rubbish". Until he was recently overtaken at the  bookshop
tills by some lady with a series of pleasantly inoffensive  stories
about an unusual boarding school, Mr Pratchett was by far the  biggest
-selling genre author and accounted for 6.5% of all hardback  fiction
sales through the general retail market by the late 1990s, as well  as
holding the position of third bestselling author, behind  Catherine
Cookson and Danielle Steel, in paperback. Nonetheless (and partly  due
to this very popularity, the "serious" critics ignored his work,  with
menaces. Writing in The Sunday Times in March 1995, Mark  Edwards
acknowledged, "Clearly, serious reviewers have a problem  with
Pratchett...What embarrasses them is that Pratchett is  hugely
successful, that he’s a very funny writer, and that he writes in  the
fantasy genre – perceived as the home of hack writers." Author  and
essayist David Langford, who *almost* managed to convince the  British
Council to admit Pratchett to the ranks of Official Writer of  Lit,
complained that "In Britain the official stamp of Literature  is
conferred by the British Council's high-class series of critical
texts  called 'Writers and their Work'. Only properly literary authors
need  apply...it is easier for Jabba the Hutt to pass through the eye
of a needle  than for a fantasy writer to enter the British Council's
pantheon." (It  should be noted that the British Council only allowed
J.R.R. Tolkien into  these ranks in - wait for it - 1995!)

One of the first members of the  lit-crit intelligentsia to champion
the literary values of the Discworld  books was noted critic and
author Liz Young (1950-2001). In her obituary for  Young, Deborah Orr
noted: "One of her first pieces was a profile of Terry  Pratchett, a
writer whose growing mainstream popularity did nothing to blunt  her
heightened appreciation. She considered him a genius, and stands  as
one of his most passionate and shrewd early critics." Another of  the
savvy savants who took an early position as defender of the  Pterry
faith was Michael Dirda, winner of the Pulitzer Prize for  literary
criticism and world-famed book reviewer, who eventually put  together
"Bound to Please", a celebration of great authors of great  literature;
in this well-received volume, Dirda puts Pratchett up with  long-
acknowledged heavy hitters including Samuel Pepys, Alexander  Pushkin,
Marcel Proust, Fernando Pessoa, Georges Perec, and Thomas  Pynchon.

Even by the mid-'90s, there were wider rumblings of protest,  and
hints that Academia was beginning to accord respect where it was  due.
Mat Coward, in the Morning Star: "Terry Pratchett has come  closer
than any writer now living to breaking through the snob barrier  –
that is to say, his books are well-written and bring joy to readers,
yet  still manage to get reviewed by people with university degrees."
Richard  Wallace (Head of the University of Keele Classics Dept), in
‘Some Unregarded  Aspects of the Reception of Classics in the 20th
Century’: "One of the things  that modern readers find difficult about
ancient (and perhaps especially  Latin) literature is the complexity
and obscurity of mythological and  literary references...Pratchett is
the only modern author known to me with a  comparable range and depth
of allusion. At times he approaches the obscure  perversity of even
Propertius at his most dense." Gair Rhydd: "He is a master  of the
awkward silence, the embarrassed pause, suggesting  physical
mannerisms but never actually needing to commit them to  paper."
Rupert Goodwin, in The Times: "Pratchett’s tales of magical mayhem  in
the cosmically improbable city of Ankh-Morpork and the  surrounding
Discworld sit comfortably on the shelves of dons and  deacons."

And then the awards started to come. Below is a small  recap:

1993 Guardian Children's Fiction Prize (shortlist)
1993  Writers' Guild Award (Best Children's Book) Johnny and the Dead
1994 Carnegie  Medal(shortlist) Johnny and the Dead
1996 Nestlé Smarties Book Prize(Silver  Award, 9-11 years category)
Johnny and the Bomb
1997 Carnegie  Medal(shortlist) Johnny and the Bomb
1997 Guardian Children's Fiction  Prize(shortlist)
1998 OBE
2001 Carnegie Medal The Amazing Maurice and his  Educated Rodents
2002 WH Smith Award for Children's Literature(shortlist) The  Amazing
Maurice and his Educated Rodents
2004 WH Smith People's Choice  Award The Wee Free Men
2005 Bollinger Everyman Wodehouse Prize(shortlist)  Going Postal

Another respected giant of lit-crit, A. S. Byatt, ranks  Pratchett up
where he belongs: "...in the days before dumbing down and  cultural
studies no one reviewed Enid Blyton or Georgette Heyer – as they  do
not now review the great Terry Pratchett, whose wit is  metaphysical,
who creates an energetic and lively secondary world, who has  a
multifarious genius for strong parody as opposed to  derivative
manipulation of past motifs, who deals with death with  startling
originality." (‘Harry Potter and the Childish Adult’ in the New  York
Times); "Pratchett in my view is one of the great  modern
storytellers." ('On Histories and Stories', Chatto & Windus,  2000);
"He is a romantic and forces spiritual importance on us.  Pratchett,
though he steals from everywhere and transfigures what he steals,  is
not derivative." (in The Times).

And at last, the writing of the  Man in the Hat has become the subject
of true literary scrutiny. The stuff of  theses and books of critical
review. The Official Real Thing. From Chris  Bryant's essay
"Postmodern Parody in the Discworld Novels of Terry  Pratchett", to
Rhiannyn Geeson, whose paper "Translating Terry Pratchett",  examining
'hypercultural elements' in the German translations of  Pratchett's
works, was given at the Centre for Comparative Literature  and
Cultural Studies' 2005 Postgraduate Colloquium at Monash  University,
to Andreas Kristiansen's Hovedfag Thesis, "Terry  Pratchett's
Discworld as a Critique of Heroic Fantasy" (submitted to  the
Department of Modern Languages, NTNU, in 2003),to Amanda  Cockrell's
"Where the Falling Angel Meets the Rising Ape: Terry  Pratchett’s
Discworld" (featured extract and review in The Hollins Critic,  a
leading American literary journal, earlier this year), to L-Space's
own  Stacie Hanes, whose Master's thesis was "“Aspects of Humanity:
The Discworld  Novels of Terry Pratchett” (and yes, she then went on
to her doctoral  dissertation!)...well, you get the picture. Pratchett
and Discworld are  becoming a notable part of the study programmes for
degrees in English or  English Literature in universities as far-flung
as the University of Cape  Town ("Witches Abroad" included as a
significant point of study in literature  for English degree course),
Oklahoma University ENGL 5 (Terry Pratchett's  Magical Spaces), and
far too many other seats of learning for me to list here  (hey, folks,
you too can use the magic of the internet!).

Further  critical reviews: the aforementioned "Guilty of Literature"
(ed. Butler, ISBN  188296831X); for a review of this book of reviews,
you could do worse than to  look at James Dewitt's Amazon  review:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/188296831X/102-3636963-2288935?v=
glance&n=283155  Another interesting review of the book can be found
at  http://www.emcit.com/emcit070.shtml - "interesting" because the
reviewer has  never read any of Pterry's work! Here's a good piece
about Michael Dirda's  "Bound to  Please":
http://www.hindu.com/lr/2005/08/07/stories/2005080700300600.htm

There  is so much more to be said here, but we're up against the
Yahoogroups' format  size limit, so here endeth this month's
installment. Stay tuned for further  dazzling displays of your humble
essayist's passion for the wordsmithing of  Mr Pratchett and fortitude
for hours and hours of research! I leave it to  Robin Young, writing
in The Times (no, not the A-M Times; you know, *The*  Times), to have
the last word about the Master: "The justification of his  success is
that he is a consummate craftsman."

A special nod of thanks  goes to the all-seeing Colin P. Smythe for
providing several metric tonnes of  reviews and quotations. There will
be cookies. Possibly chocolate chip  ones.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

12)  DISCWORLD X 12 SERIES
by Anna M.  Conina

How many of you have always longed to own a pristine first
edition of _The Colour of Magic_, but don't seem to have a
spare $16,000  lying around?

How many of you already own a pristine first edition of  _The
Colour of Magic_, but, due to its being kept shrink-wrapped
in a  safe deposit box in Switzerland surrounded by feral
rottweilers, never  actually have a chance to read it?

Well, then, the first volume of Hill  House, Publishers' new
Discworld x 12 series may be the solution to your  problems
(although if you're suffering from problem #2, I'm more  envious
than sympathetic).

Limited to 500 subscriptions, this series  consists of facsimile
editions of the first 12 Discworld novels.   Identical in "binding,
paper stock, and jacket art," the books are,  according to the
series publicity, painstakingly "designed to reproduce as
closely as possible the true first editions of these books."
In  the case of _The Colour of Magic_, Hill House has certainly
gone to great  lengths to reproduce all salient features of the
very rare 1983 Colin  Smythe, Ltd. edition (only 506 copies
were initially published).  Peter  Schneider, head of Hill House,
Publishers, even arranged for the facsimile  to be printed by the
original company, Pennsylvania's Maple-Vail Book  Manufacturing
Group, to ensure an appearance authentic enough to  withstand
the closest scrutiny.  An enormous world-bearing turtle, face
cast in blue shadows and flipper gleaming with amber light,
floats  through space on Alan Smith's jacket illustration, while
the familiar Colin  Smythe avian logo appears on the spine,
jacket, and title page.  The  underlying cover is a deep green
stamped with gold lettering.

The remaining 11 books will be released at a rate of one every four
months.  Subscribers to the series will pay a rate of $35 per  volume
with free shipping, while individual volumes can be purchased at a
rate of $40 plus shipping.  In addition to the discount, subscribers
can look forward to a significant additional perk:  "As a bonus,
subscribers to the Series will receive, after publication of book 6
and  book 12, a two-book history of Discworld, both volumes of
which will be  signed by Terry Pratchett."  We have no details yet
concerning this  exclusive history, but we'll let you know just as
soon as we hear anything  from the publisher.

Speaking of bonuses, since the subsequent 11 volumes  in the
series all feature Josh Kirby cover art, _The Colour of Magic_
comes with the second edition Josh Kirby jacket as well as the
original.  If you prefer to present a unified front of Kidby covers
on your bookshelves, you can do so at no extra charge.

Although the  series does represent a significant commitment
of time and money for a  prospective purchaser, Hill House
appears very well-connected,  well-established, and well-suited
to stay the course.  Formed in 1983  to issue occasional special
editions, this New York based company went  full-time in 2003.
Currently, special editions for Neil Gaiman, Lois  McMaster Bujold,
Ray Bradbury, and the Shirley Jackson estate all appear on  their
2006 publishing schedule.  Among those credited with assisting
the project are Colin Smythe, Terry's assistant Rob Wilkins,
Terry's  U.S. editor Jennifer Brehl (also Peter Schneider's wife),
and Terry  himself.  The sum total of experience and resources
devoted to ensuring  the quality of these facsimiles is impressive.

Essentially, _The Colour  of Magic_ has been designed so that the
only readily discernable difference  consists of the title page, which,
to prevent collector confusion, notes  that "This facsimile of the first
edition of THE COLOUR OF MAGIC is  published by Hill House,
Publishers . . . by arrangement with Colin Smythe,  Ltd."  Just place
your bookmark over this distracting reminder of  reality, and feel free
to pretend you've given the rottweilers a day  off.

For more information, please visit the Hill House, Publishers  website:
http://hillhousepublishers.com/
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

13)  DISCWORLD QUIZ - THE ANSWERS

Discworld Multiple choice quiz ye  Seconde

Being a modest selection of Disc-related brain-ticklers and  memory-
teasers

by Annie Mac and Steven D'Aprano

1. What device  or artifact did Tiffany Aching employ to overcome
Jenny  Green-teeth?

a) kung fu
b) Wentworth
c) an 8-inch frying pan -

2. Who introduced Cohen the Barbarian to "dine-chewers"?

a) the  Chieftain of the Horse People
b) Twoflower
c) Farrah Fawcett

3.  What first tipped Vimes off that Corporal Littlebottom was female?

a) her  high-heeled iron boots
b) her sparkly green dress
c) her lipstick
d)  her earrings

4. In Maskerade, Salzella claimed that all musical  instruments are
"incredibly expensive to repair" with one possible  exception:

a) triangles
b) MacFeegle mousepipes
c) the  spoons

5. The Dwarf in charge of printing The Times was called:

a)  Gimlet Grimfodder
b) Gunilla Goodmountain
c) Worsel Gummidge

6.  Name three poisons commonly (or snobbishly) used by the  Assassins'
Guild:

a) Mur, Nig and Eniru
b) Darestim, Daturon and  Iocaine
c) Bloat, Lord Downey's mint humbugs, and Wasp Agaric

7. The  Agateans' deadly explosive device is known as a:

a) Flaming Dragon
b)  Screaming Mimi
c) Barking Dog
d) Barbarian Vampire Ghost

8. In "The  Seventh Wife of Greenbeard", according to Malicia Grim,
Mrs Greenbeard  stabbed her husband in the eye with:

a) an umbrella
b) a frozen  herring
c) dangerous beans

9. When Albert was working as a Hogswatch  pixie, he called himself:

a) Old Man Trouble
b) Fairy  Peaseblossom
c) Uncle Heavy

10. The notice over the Gates of Hell in  "Eric" reads:

a) "You don't have to be 'damned' to work here, but it  helps!!!"
b) "It's not where you stand, it's which way you face!!!"
c)  "Rooms available!!! Apply at desk!!!!!"

11. The Spouter breed of swamp  dragon tends to:

a) Piddle reginic acid when excited
b) Explode in the  presence of mint
c) Drop its scales at the first sign of danger
d) all of  the above

12. What were the most vital ingredients in Mrs Gogol's  gumbo?

a) snakes' heads and ladies' fingers
b) parsley, sage, rosemary  and thyme
c) dried prawns and  gris-gris

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ANSWERS:
1 -  c      2 - b      3 -  d      4 - a       5 -  b      6 - c
7 - c      8 -  b      9 - c     10 -  a     11 - b    12 -  a

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

14) LIMERICK  CONTEST

Alas, our call for limericks seems to have fallen on deaf  ears.
All we got in this month was one from our News Editor,
who is not  even eligible.  The contest is cancelled.  She wrote:

I'm asked  to write verse, but alas!
I fear 'twould be best if I pass;
Annie Mac has  a knack
I assuredly lack
And I'd hate to get kicked in the . . .  teeth.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Well, on  that happy note I shall end.  I had some more stuff
about the Hammer of  the Scots and the Easter Bunny, but it's
just overkill.  If anyone wants  to see it, just say the  word.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright 2006  by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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If  you did not get all 4 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
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WOSSNAME -- MAY 2006 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7)  LETTERS FROM ALL OVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WIZZARD  CONCRETING

To the Editor:

I was cruising along the Logan Tollway  yesterday at the 100k limit
and I was passed by a maroon ute doing at least  110. Then I noticed
the company name painted on it, "Wizzard Concreting", and  just
shouted 'Hey, Rincewind!'

It didn't even slow down, of course,  as Rincewind wouldn't.

--  Kate
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A CALL FROM  FAR OFF BRISBANE

To the Editor:

I have just enrolled here at the  university and have become a little
homesick. I am hoping to find other  students or faculty that also come
from Queensland.  I am hoping that  they will join my meetup.com
group "Brisbane, the Discworld and Beyond" in  addition to this fine
University.  It would provide another tool for  this group to maybe get
face to face outside of conventions.

Hope to  hear from some of you.

-- Wulfhure Daelman
wulfhure@...
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

PUZZLE  ANSWERS

To the Editor:

A while ago I posted a couple of on-topic  puzzles. The first one
was about something in Nanny Ogg's Cookbook that  mentioned something
that hadn't been invented yet, the second about which  book was
foreshadowed by Guards Guards, Moving Pictures (or possibly Men  at
Arms) and Reaper Man.

The answer to the first question was stamps -  one of the sections on
the etiquette guide was about a young man asking a  girl a question in
a letter, and the position she placed the stamp on the  envelope to
reply indicated her answer. But stamps weren't invented until  Going
Postal - hmmmmmm.....

[Ed:But you don't know when Nanny Ogg  wrote her cook book.
Besides, with all the cutting and pasting of bits of  time by the History
Monks, you should count yourself lucky that Nanny Ogg's  Cookbook
wasn't written before they invented *paper*.]

-- Confusing  Manifestation


oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8)  WITCHERY EVOLVES
by Annie Mac

So the next Discworld novel coming out  is another Tiffany Aching
story. Three for the hat trick. Unless you're one  of those little
gooey green things that lives in a swamp, you're probably  awaiting it
with bated (note spelling) breath - and with good reason.  Tiffany
Aching, all not-yet-fourteen-years-old of her, is probably  the
strongest, most multilayered, most superheroish Discworld  character
since Esmerelda Weatherwax; I've been referring to her  as
"Weatherwax: the Next Generation" since Wee Free Men first hit  the
bookshops. She's certainly not the first highly  intelligent,
contemplative child Pterry has given us (consider Good Omens and  the
Johnny series), nor the first hotshot supernatural young  woman
(Susan!), but Tiffany is something else again, an  irresistible
combination of superhuman gifts and human  frailties.

Witches Abroad, and even moreso Lords and Ladies, gave us an  insight
into the character of Granny Weatherwax when she was a  headstrong
young girl who had occasionally bitten off more than she could  chew
and who was forced - or forced herself - into a lifelong position  of
incomparable self-control: "Someone's got to be the good one."
Tiffany,  on the other hand, is moulding herself into an equally
self-controlled  uberwitch without, and this is the important part,
the underlying mild  bitterness and longing-for-things-unfulfilled
that seem to me to characterise  Granny's personality. Tiffany, with
her Third Thoughts, sees even further  than Esme ever allowed herself
to do. Tiffany feels powerful urges to *do*  and *discover*, and even
as her Third Thoughts are crying "danger!", she  gives in to those
urges anyway...and then, being made of the Right Stuff,  faces up to
whatever she has to do to make up for the troubles her giving-in  has
caused. In my opinion, this has the potential to ultimately make  her
an even more powerful *good* witch than Granny has ever dared  allow
herself to be.

I mean, look. We all know that Granny has hidden  gentleness in her.
We all know that Granny, for all her carefully constructed  shows of
hardness and independence and can't-be-having-with-luxuries,  does
have "finer feelings" and does feel occasional whimsicalness  and
does, really, love. But what stands out for me in the way Pterry  is
developing Tiffany's character is that Tiffany is embracing her  human
side, working out ways to become a Great Witch whilst still  remaining
a living, loving young woman. Granny had to turn her back on  family
and active friendships in order to control her, um,  cackling
potential - even her relationship with Gytha Ogg, while it runs  deep,
is an arm's-length one; Tiffany continues to cleave to her  family,
doesn't reject ~cough cough~ romantic thoughts out-of-hand, and  can
be said to be actively seeking close friends and confidantes of  her
own age. Granny has had to lock away her sensual, vulnerable  self;
Tiffany, as we've seen her so far, seems determined to hold on  to
those traits, and in my opinion may well become even more  witchsomely
powerful through so doing.

I see both Granny and Tiffany  as fantastic role models, true
superheroes. But where Granny represents the  (admittedly admirable)
tragedy of utter self-sacrifice, Tiffany represents  the majesty of a
balanced personality. "Esmerelda" means "emerald", and  emerald is a
stone, a rock, a think of great and steadfast yet cold and  unyielding
power. "Tiffany", we're told, means "land under wave", and the  land
here is chalk - softer, warmer, more yielding, yet no less  powerful
because chalk forms the bones of the land just as rock does. And  I
truly believe, based on both the evidence in Pterry's books and my
own  interpretations and extrapolations, that Granny approves...that
Granny *can*  be having with this...and even, perhaps, that Granny had
been watching and  waiting for countless decades for a Tiffany to come
along: a new, young witch  who has what it takes to eventually take on
the mantle of the greatest, most  respected leader the Discworld
witches don't have.

And just so you'll  know, I've based these observations on the first
two Tiffany books and the  already-available promotional blurbs for
Wintersmith, the forthcoming novel.  I will talk more about
Wintersmith, but not until next month. Blessed  be.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) CALL FOR  THESPIANS

CALL FOR THESPIANS

To the Editor:

I  am an international graduate student studying
theatre at Towson university,  MD and would love to
produce a Pratchett play over here.
The performance  and rehearsal venue would HAVE to be
Towson university (North Baltimore) but  would not be
restricted to Towson Students, anyone from Maryland
would be  welcome nay, encouraged, say I, to
participate.

I have 19 years of  professional experience in theatre
but I am still an amateur when it comes to  American
and Americans!!  Hell, the first time I came over here
in  1992 the woman in Barnes and Nobel hadn't even
HEARD of Pratchett never mind  stock him.  That said,
do you think you could assist me in this  project?  Please
write to me at: davidjglover@...

--  David J.  Glover
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright 2006  by Klatchian Foreign Legion
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MAY 2006 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5)  SONG OF THE MONTH

WE WILL SURVIVE
(Cohen and the Silver  Horde,)

by Weird Alice Lancrevic,
with apologies to Gloria  Gaynor

First we were untamed, all uncivilised
Plund'ring the Disc for  jewels and temple-girls with creamy thighs
But we sacked too many sites, til  Teach said, "You do it wrong"
Still, we were strong
So much stronger than  Lord Hong

And so we're back, from certain Death
If we can pillage and  carouse
We don't need poncy things like breath
We stole the Agateans'  throne, though it was under lock and key
Then, after giving them their  freedom,
Conquered Cori Ce-les-ti
We're gone but no, we haven't  left
Just turn around slow
Or by a broadsword you'll be cleft
We  brought fire back to the gods
And jumped off the mountainside - you think we  tumbled
When there were Valkyries to ride?!

Oh no, not us, we will  survive
As long as we can swing a sword
We will keep the myth  alive
We've got loincloths, we've got power, we've got virgins to  deflower
And we'll survive, we will survive.

It took all the strength  we had to defeat the gods
We tricked 'em good with rotten fish and brazened  out the odds
Since Vena spent so many nights
Just knitting chain mail 'for  the boys'
We slice and strut (that's just Hamish, yelling "WHUT?")
And  you'll see Cohen, Old Vincent too
Caleb and Truckle and Boy WIllie, charging  down on you
We'll come to save (and wreck) the day
We won't politely fade  away
There are thrones yet to be trodden
See, we're still dogs in our  day

Oh yes, that's us, we will survive
As long as Discworld needs its  heroes, the Silver Horde will thrive
We've got chutzpah, we've got  guts
We've got Hamish, yelling "WHUT?!"
And we'll survive
We will  survive
We will sur-  "WHUT?"
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) YOUR NEW  DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

Hello, my dear little  Zodiac zingers! I'm back. Having chased that
upstart bard Weird Alice  Lancrevic back to her own overpaid corner,
I've decided to do a bit of  horoscopic housekeeping. You've already
long since been given the lucky  number, colour and fruit for each of
your Signs, so this month I'm bringing  you your Heavenly Letters.
Hidden cunningly in each logological letterfest is  a fair amount of
advice from the stars above. Read on and  enjoy!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar -  20 Apr

Your heavenly letter is: S

The sanguine synthesise  sandalwood sabres and sterling silver sabots
sell sausage sandwiches, sushi,  and skewered shellfish. A soothing
sabbatical satiates scholarly sages.  Softly skirt stertorous
septuagenarians; soft-soap senescent strangers  sidestep smoggy
streets for snowy southern slopes. Survey superb supernatural  sites
serenely. Shocking scoop: Sybil serves Sam sloppy seconds!  Surly
soromancers sully stylish salons.

Tip of the month: shave  slowly!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips   21 Apr - 21 May

Your heavenly letter is: A

Agatean alchemists,  arrogantly astir, aerate arcane anhydrous
aggregates. Agony Aunts arrive  abreast; assassins augur abattoir
activities. Archancellors, arms akimbo,  affirm absolute authority.
Aggressive Amazonian acrobats annoy author Anaemia  Asterisk. Ankh's
animal attractions: anteater, albatross, allosaurus, auk  and
armadillo. Attention! Ascorbic acid and alcohol aid and  ameliorate
aches, ague and assorted additional ailments.

Tip of the  month: avoid azaleas.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the  Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

Your heavenly letter is: M

Make merry  in May! Marvellous month, May. Many malcontents
mercilessly mock municipal  maidens; malnourished minstrels' mournful
madrigals mock melancholy mediums.  Masterfully masticate melons meat
and maraschinos. Moody? -- martially  mollicate mangy missionaries.
Mustn't miss meals! Marry, Mistress, many  mighty midgets means
minute men mount minuscule masquerades. Meanwhile,  misinformed
ministers monopolise mayonnaise.

Tip of the month:  mistrust marmosets.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff  and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Your heavenly letter is: G

Gather  for gustatory gambols, gallant gourmands: garnished goose
with ginger and  garlic, gazpacho, giblets and gorgonzola. Gorge
gluttonously on gallons of  grapes; gargle glasses of grappa; gobble
Gimlet's golden gelatine. Giggle,  goggle, gaily grab gigantic
guavas, gefilte-fish, gherkins and guacamole. Get  greater garments.
Gurgle. guzzle, get going, good grief.

Tip of the  month: gouge grouse.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Your heavenly letter is:  H

Hist, o hepatic hatters, hobnobbing hucksters and  hamfisted
Hublanders! Hie hence, o henpecked husbands, harried  homemakers,
haughty houris and hapless hoydens! Hark, hungover hedonists!  Here's
help for your hazardous hobby: holistic herbalists heal heavy  hearts
and huge headaches. Hazy holiday? Have hair of the  hedgehog.
Hogshead horrors? Hide hurts with holy honeybee hock.  Heavenly!

Tip of the month: harangue  hamsters.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug -  23 Sept

Your heavenly letter is: O

Obey the ordained of Om. Omit  obfuscation, optimise opportunities,
and occlude oracles. Openly ogle Oggs  owlishly. Osculate ovines
outdoors; obsess overtly over olfactory oils.  Obtain ornamental
oarsmen, offset offside operators, orchestrate oblong  ormolu ospreys
and other opera-house owners. Obscenely outrange oracles;  oppose
oafish ostlers. Offski? One oughtta!

Tip of the month: ossify  ocelots.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Your heavenly letter is: C

Capricious  causality creates cranial chaos -- cry, cringe, clamour,
caterwaul! Cunningly  cheat cartographical carnage; cling chastely to
cowardly catatonia. Cherish  companionable contentment. Cleanse
cluttered closets. Crush cranberries and  celery for a cooling
collation. Counter crawling, creeping cephalopods and  crustaceans
with citronella. Compliment crocodiles, castigate centaurs,  charm
cheetahs. Collapsing ceiling? -- Careful!

Tip of the month:  collect coelacanths.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Androgyna  Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

Your heavenly letter is: P

Pished?  Pixillated? Piffle! Prance, primp, pirouette; procure piquant
potions and  phials of phantasmagorical philtres; pander preciously
to palpable pecuniary  peccadilloes. Promote pinkly passionate purple
prose in pleasant public  places. Pulchritude powers prurient
pneumatic prowess on pastoral pelmets.  Provable pillow pressure? --
Pull, parvenu!

Tip of the month: pamper  pineapples.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot   23 Nov - 21 Dec

Your heavenly letter is: B

Beware Banjo, baobabs,  bananananas, borzois, bold bustards,
bedraggled badgers and batrachian  badinage. Becalmed behind balsa
banisters? Bothered by beastly banzai  barristers? Bring benevolent
bedbugs before bellicose beer-bellied batters.  Bare bicuspids.
Blushing brides: beckon benign brigadiers between  benighted
bedclothes. Brilliant brinksmanship buries blinkered  bravoes.

Tip of the month: banish  Bueller!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec  - 20 Jan

Your heavenly letter is: F

Foppish, farthingale'd felons  frighten feckless fabulists. Feisty,
fruits fillies feast on frangipani,  fuchsias and figgins. Frozen
fjords feature fairly fallow frigates.  February's fiery femur falls
to fantastical febrifuges; fiddlers flay flesh  from fraught fingers.
Feature filial faithfulness, forsooth!

Tip of  the month: fatten frogs.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather  Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

Your heavenly letter is:  L

Languid libertines lecherously like lycanthropes.  Lumbering
laboratory lagomorphs locate Luggage. Letterheads lend  lasting
legitimacy. Lugubrious lawyers lambaste larrikins; local  lunatics
lynch licentious legislators. Lave lingerie in luminescent  lye.
Leopards lazily lick lemonade lollies. Love loose leather?  -
lubricate lederhosen!

Tip of the month: liberate  Librarians.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser Umbrage    19 Feb - 20 Mar

Your heavenly letter is: U

Umpteen urbane urban  underwriters ululate uncannily. Upstanding
uppercrust uncles upbraid ugly  usurers. Ursine urgency: unbear-able
urea. Unusual umpires ultimately utilise  umbrella urns. Uffish
umbles? - ugh! Uxorious ushers in umber ulsters use  ukuleles
upstairs. Unwary utopianists unleash umbrage upon  unearthly
ungulates' ulcerous ultramarine udders. Unruly urchins upset  unique
unicyclists. Unsure? Upgrade unto uranium!

Tip of the month:  unite  unicorns.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
End of  Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of  3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
MAY 2006  (Volume 9, Issue 5)
Part 1 of 3  Sections
*****************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian  Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American  Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a  member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are  there any dues?
No.  Just ask to be put on the mailing  list.
*******************************************************************
Editor   in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News  Editor:  T. F. (Tiff) Peasey
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn, Paul Blake,  Steven D'Aprano
Book Reviews: Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor:  volunteer needed
Bard in Residence: Weird Alice Lancrevic
DW Horoscope:  Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World  Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins,  disk@...
Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign   Legion
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part  1
1) SHOCKING NEWS!
2)  CONTRIBUTORS SOUGHT FOR DW LITERARY PROJECT
3) THE GANG'S ALL HERE!
4)  AROUND AND ABOUT: Discworld News

====Part 2
5) SONG OF THE  MONTH
6) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

====Part 3
7) LETTERS FROM  ALL OVER
8) WITCHERY EVOLVES
9) CALL FOR  THESPIANS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part  1

1) SHOCKING NEWS!
by Annie Mac

It is with  great sadness - and great panic! - that we announce the
departure of News  Editor Anna M. Conina from our staff at WOSSNAME.
Anna has been our  indefatigable source of news, rumours and small
bits of juicy gossip  regarding the works and travels of Pterry
himself, as well as being our woman  on the scene at many major
Discworld fan conventions. But now she has been  pulled into the
Dungeon Dimensions, otherwise known as the HarperCollins  Pratchett
discussion board, to co-moderate alongside our Esteemed  Competition
aka Jason Anthony of That Other Discworld Publication, and fears  that
she may never re-emerge unless some clever wizzard manages to  find
the right spell (personally, we recommend Thursborscht's  Terrific
Trail of Breadcrumbs Glamour, but it's rather dangerous and  can
result in plagues of Rolf Harrises). We wish Anna every happiness  in
her thankless role. Oh wait, News Editor of WOSSNAME is a  thankless
role, too. Oops.

Interim newsgathering duties shall fall to  the mysterious T. F.
(Tiff) Peasey. WOSSNAME wishes him-or-her the best of  luck! And
again, an enormous basket of thank-you figgins goes to Anna for  her
contributions.

Here is the full text of Anna's letter of  resignation:

Dear Joe,

I'm afraid I've been getting busier and  busier for a long time.  I barely
see my own husband anymore, between  work and writing for Wossname
and moderating the HC message board and  costuming and running local fan
groups/events, etc.  I'm stretched too  thin, and I have to scale back.
I've already ceased most involvement in  local fan events for the current
year, but it hasn't been enough. I've given  it a lot of thought, and
I've decided I need to resign as Wossname's  news/convention editor, and
as a general staff writer.  I just don't  have the time to contribute to
Wossname anymore in any capacity.

I  really, really appreciate everything you did for me back when I went
to  Noreascon; I know I wouldn't have had those amazing experiences
without your  help.  I hope you're not too upset with me, but this is
something I  really need to do.

My best to you and Annie,

Anna  M.C.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2)  CONTRIBUTORS SOUGHT FOR DW LITERARY PROJECT
by Tiff  Peasey

We've been invited to join in a towering work of literary  genius
by our fellow wizzards in the Disc group.  Here's their  offer:

Hi, Joe:

I'm Cliff. (jp3@...,  jcp3@...)

Here is that proposal. From the  Disc@yahoogroups.com mailing list.

Let all WOSSNAMErs who  might wish to play, play.

PROPOSAL: Pratchett Bestiary  OBscuritus

AUTHORIZATION: none

CONTROLLING LEGAL AUTHORITY: Moderator

RULES:  none

PENALTIES, FORFEITS, SANCTIONS:  none

STIPENDS, WAGES, PAYMENTS, PER DIEM:  none

CLASSIFICATION: TOP OPENNESS

ACCESS  CONTROL: Wish or Whim to enjoy side bits in Terry
Pratchett's stories and  novels

Request and Scope:

I wonder if  anyone would like to work together to compile a list
of obscure creatures  that occur in Terry Pratchett's books and
stories. These are the creatures  that appear once, don't really
have much to do with the story, and then are  seldom or never
mentioned again.

This is one project I cannot do  alone, but, because Pratchett's
books are so rereadable, should be  doable.

I'd suggest we keep it ASCII, and two comma deliminated  lists:
one giving name then book. The other giving book then  name.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
List  1. Common Name, Scientifythic name (make it up), Book

Flying Carnivorus  Hamster, Mesocricetus auratus avian eat-leggus,
Going Postal

Horribly  knuckled cast iron range, Ferricus Rangeous Arthriticus,
Sourcery

===============================================
List 2.  Book, Names

Going Postal, Flying Carnivorus Hamster,  Mesocricetus auratus
avian eat-leggus

Sourcery, Horribly knuckled  cast iron range, Ferricus Rangeous
Arthriticus

**********************************************************

To add to the  lists, go to: jp3@...
so you get the ongoing lists. Insert your  entries.
And Send. (Ed. Note: We will also publish these entries
in  WOSSNAME.)

If you think of another name for some beastie, just add it.  It
is very common for creatures in our world to be given several
common  and scientific names.

If you object, then note your objection.

I  personally don't care about credit, but if you want you can
add a Blame  field.

Oh, yes, I suggest NOT using spell checker, unless you want  to
make your spell checker very unhappy.

--  Cliff

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3)  THE GANG'S ALL HERE!

Top-notch UK actors from Baldrick to Neil the  Hippie
are uniting to bring Terry Pratchett's "Hogfather" to the
screen  in grand style. The full Hogfather cast list:

Sir David Jason :  Albert
Joss Ackland : Mustrum Ridcully
Marc Warren : Teatime
David  Warner: Lord Downey
Ian Richardson : Voice of Death
Michelle Dockery:  Susan
Nigel Planer: Mr. Sideney
Rhodri Meilir: Bilious
Peter  Guinness:  Medium Dave
Neil Pearson: The Raven
Sinead Matthews:  Violet
Stephen Marcus: Banjo
Craig Conway: Chickenwire
Roger Frost:  Bursar
Ed Coleman: Ponder Stibbons
John Boswall: Chair of Indefinite  Studies
Marnix Van Den Broeke: Death
Tony Robinson: Vernon  Crumley
Shend: Hogfather
Richard Katz: Constable Visit
Tim Plester: The  Tooth Guard
Arthur White: Ernie The Cart Driver
Nicolas Tennant: Corporal  Nobbs
Dominic Borrelli: Grotto Hogfather
John Franklyn-Robbins: The  Dean
Don Wetherhead: The Bogeyman
Gregor Henderson-Begg: Pixie  Helper
Deborah Winckles: Mrs. Gaiter
Robert Portal: Mr. Gaiter
Maggie  McCarthy: Ma Lillywhite
Rachel Edwards: Bobble Hat Child's Mother

This  list can be viewed online  at
http://www.pjsmprints.com/news/index.html
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4)  AROUND AND ABOUT: Discworld News
by Annie  Mac

http://www.locusmag.com/2006/Monitor/Bestsellers0509.html

"Terry  Pratchett's "Wintersmith" (Doubleday UK), not due to appear
until October,  ranks #67 on Amazon UK's list this week  with
pre-orders."
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fresh  from Google News Alerts -- this blog from "The Voice of Reason"
features a  mini-essay about Granny  Weatherwax:

http://www.progressiveu.org/210218-the-voice-of-reason-all-or-nothing
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Possibly  from the same site that did the Granny Weatherwax article.
This one features  a bit from _Soul  Music_:
http://www.progressiveu.org/110759-duty-and-changing-the-world
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

DW  Con news:

http://www.dwcon.org/

August 18-21 in  Leicestershire.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

If  you'd like to see some advance pix of the film so far, be sure to
keep a  close eye on the news section at www.paulkidby.com in
the coming  months!  The site has revealed early images from the
"Hogfather" film  production, including a photo of actress Michelle
Dockery in costume as  Susan.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
End of  Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of  3



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WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2006 -- PART 2 OF  3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6)  SONG OF THE MONTH

SWEET HOME AGATEA
(with apologies to Lynyrd  Skynyrd)

by Weird Alice Lancrevic

Big rug keep on flying
Carry  me back to dear ol' Bes
With iconographs and Luggage
Do I miss HungHung?  Well, um, yes
(Look! A magical chest!)

Well, I heard Morporkians don't  trust us
Heard their Patrician put us down
I hope Ankh-Morpork  remembers
Ten rhinu buys up the whole damn town
(Small change!  Wow!)

SWEET HOME AGATEA
WHERE THE TEA IS SO GREEN
SWEET HOME  AGATEA
SAMIZDAT SAYS WHERE I'VE BEEN

Now, in the Court Lord Hong was  guv'nor
Til we did what we had to do
Cohen as Emperor does not bother  me
Does tradition bother you?
(Think it through!)

SWEET HOME  AGATEA
WHERE THE RICE PADDIES GREW
SWEET HOME AGATEA
FANGS, TANGS,  HONGS, MACSWEENEYS TOO

Now, squishi chefs have got their blowfish
And  they've been cause of a death or two
But we've far safer foodstuffs
Like  pickled duck's feet and wonton stew
(They're yummier, too!)

SWEET HOME  AGATEA
WHERE THE PEASANTS ARE LEAN
SWEET HOME AGATEA
I'LL COME HOME TO  MAKE A SCENE

SWEET HOME AGATEA
WHERE THE ARMY IS RED
SWEET HOME  AGATEA
YAY! THE EVIL VIZIER'S DEAD!

I'm coming  home...
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) PTERRY  PLOTTER AND THE GOBLET OF NARRATIVE CAUSALITY

by Annie Mac

Terry  Pratchett is awful: he inspires awe.
Terry Pratchett is ridiculous: he  ridicules literary pretension.
Terry Pratchett is extraordinary: he takes the  fantastical and
brings it down to chips-and-a-cuppa ground  level.

Let's face it, being accused of committing literature has a  certain
dire anti-cachet. It's rather akin to having an embarrassing  skin
condition or one of those terrifying elderly relatives who tend  to
demolish parties by scoffing the cooking sherry, climbing on the
dining  room table and reciting Wellington's speech to the troops at
parade-ground  volumes; in other words, being hailed as a Literary
Great runs contrary to  being read, understood and revered by the
wider public - in *other* other  words, being a Literary Great
usually equals being unpopular. And having your  works collect dust
on forlorn stacks at the rear of the public library, read  only by
members of Macadamia and resentful students under a  literature
geas. Hands up, any of you who've actually voluntarily read  a
Booker Prize-winning novel...? All right, more than one...? Thought
so.  It's a rare thing when acclaimed "serious" novels are also
bought and  cherished by the millions. And it's a rarer thing yet
when novels bought and  cherished by the millions are declared to be
Serious After All.

Terry  Pratchett the author, then, is a rare thing.

In a recent issue of this  newsletter, I offered you an essay on the
subject of how Pratchett and the  Discworld novels are now being
increasingly considered as big-L Literature;  how universities are
including these in the curricula for English and Lit  degrees; how
hoity-toity professional critics are being won over and  gleefully
slicing, dicing, subtextually analysing and otherwise endowing  with
portent the very "throwaway fantasy books" they once scorned. I  also
said I'd inflict further such essays on you. And here we are.  Hat.
Hat. Hat.

So what - apart from the fact that he's a bloody  brilliant wordsmith
- makes Pratchett's writing great? Well, in my opinion,  it has much
to do with the following:

He mines narrative conventions,  turning a well-worn story on its ear
and enriching it through sideways  reinvention.

He uses cliches as a means of illustrating that every cliche  exists
because it represents a basic truth, a core behaviour, of  human
interaction and the nature of history large and small.

He makes  people into *people* - be they human-shaped, four-legged,
six inches high,  undead or even not strictly ever alive. Consider,
among myriad other  examples, the person-ness of the Golems;
manufactured creatures, walking  lumps of clay, they nonetheless
speak to our imagination as thinking beings  with hopes and desires.
Consider the way so many of us can relate to the Duck  Man, who seems
"normal" but is so patently living in a private universe  slightly
out of phase with ours (and possibly located in a spot just  to
the left of the average reader's ear). Consider the evolution  of
trollkind - I can think of no other author who could engage  my
sympathetic and empathic interest in the life and times of Detritus:
I  find myself genuinely caring about the state of his marriage and
career! Even  characters who were, by the author's own admission,
originally created to  serve a temporary comedic purpose or to
advance a one-time-only plotline take  on real emotional solidity
under the loving strokes of Pratchett's pen and  keypad.

Some critics have sneered at Pratchett's way of, as they see  it,
reducing characters great and terrible to the level of just  another
Jo(sephin)e worrying about the shopping and fancying a pint at  the
local; but I firmly believe that it is this very reduction of  the
great-and-terrible to their just-like-us-after-all essentials  that
gives his prose and characters a power, a greater realism,  rarely
seen in any other works of fiction.

But enough of *my* opinions  - here are a few extracts from things
other people said about  Pterry:

"The Discworld...captures the essential absurdity of  existence.
And yet the true success of these novels owes to a  rearrangement
of the familiar. Pratchett takes a recognisable world and  refashions
and reshapes it so that it appears that we are seeing it anew.  As
such, then, there is an exuberant, childlike innocence to much of
his  work, a delight in the wonder of the world and a fascination
with the science  and mechanics of civilisation."

"Much of Pratchett's work deals with  human agency, of taking
responsibility for one's lot (whatever that lot may  be)...In
essence, Pratchett is a traditionalist if, of course, we deem  such
virtues as hard work and mutual respect to be "traditional."   In
modern parlance Pratchett would perhaps best be described as  a
"fundamentalist," in the sense that he seems to subscribe to  the
perennial truths of life and language: be that the Biblical 'do
unto  others' or the cliche that 'what goes around comes around'."

"In his  novels Pratchett reminds us that a hackneyed phrase was once
a truth, and can  become so again through a simple tinkering with the
language...Pratchett has  faith in words but he is also acutely aware
of the independence of their  existence."

"In a time which has lost its sense of community and shared  values,
part of the charm of the Discworld is that it involves a  communion
of souls. They may fight and argue and disagree with one  another,
but there is always a sense of people coming together."
(Garan  Holcombe, from http://www.contemporarywriters.com/authors/)

"Throughout  many of his novels, Pratchett employs what has been
dubbed "Stealth  Philosophy." That is to say, he will subtly (or
not-so-subtly) hide  philosophical struggles, questions, and
arguments within the texts of his  books, without (often) overtly
stating them. Pratchett is deeply concerned  about the philosophy of
ethics, the philosophy of religion [and] the mind as  well as topics
related to popular science...he presents the notion that to be  good
quite often results in being perceived as bad or evil by the  very
people you're doing good for, and in many of his stories image  is
quite often eventually overcome, without fanfare, by  substance...he
presents the notion that our "world" is subjective, and  is
constructed internally. In particular, that it is constructed out
of  stories. Related to this is the idea that most of our experience
is filtered  out before it reaches consciousness..."

"His good witch, Granny  Weatherwax, takes the form of an
archetypical evil crone...His good public  servant, Lord Havelock
Vetinari, is an assassin and a tyrant...many of his  potential
villains, such Lord Vetinari and Lord Downey, are too  multifaceted
to be simplistically characterised as "evil," while other  more
standard villains, such as Lord Rust, are depicted merely  as
egocentric dullards...There are however, two groups of villains  that
featured prominently in many of the stories and have, in their  own
ways, come to represent the force of evil in the Discworld. They  are
the Auditors of Reality and the Elves. These two races are, in  many
respects, opposite ends of the same spectrum. The Auditors,  cosmic
bureaucrats who prefer a universe where electrons spin, rocks  float
in space and imagination is dead, represent the perils of  handing
yourself over to a completely materialist and deterministic  vision
of reality, devoid of the myths and stories that make us human.  The
Elves, innately psychopathic beings who seek to dominate us  by
usurping our free will with glamour and false magic, represent  the
dangers of giving yourself over completely to stories  and
superstition. Together they appear to reflect the philosophy
Pratchett  expresses in Hogfather; that while the stories we weave
may not be true, we  still need them to continue our existence."
(from  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discworld)

Will there be a third part to  this essay series? Stay tuned...and
don't touch that  dial.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8) LETTERS FROM ALL  OVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the Editor:

In Jingo, it  is stated that AM doesn't have a standing army, cause a
lot of armed men  standing around tend to get....ideas.

But then in Monstrous Regiment,  Lord Rust is the commander of the AM
forces - and what little we see of them,  they seem to be fairly
competent - Vimes does the Washerwoman  trick,

-- Paul Godsil

To the Editor:

I thought it was  Blouse that did the washerwoman trick.

I think Vimes mentions that that  was how the Ankh-Morpork and allies army
took the fort in the first place -  and is quite incredulous that anyone
could be taken in by that trick.   However, as all of my books are packed
into boxes preparatory to moving, I  can't check.

-- Mogg

To the Editor:

While I liked  Jingo  much more than "Monstrous Regiment,"
I didn't like it too much as  a novel ....well,  I found it too easy,
too previsible is the  word?

-- Gloria Llona

To the Editor:

Yeah, I didn't think  that one would be in my top ten either.  I'm
guessing the word you were  after was predictable - did you mean
it was too obvious what was going to  happen next?

-- Jase

To the Editor:

I've got a question to  ask the Wossname group:
I finally got a friend to agree to start reading the  Discworld
books. Which one should I start him on ? I'm tempted to
just say  start at the first one and go in sequence . But on
thinking back , it seems  the first couple aren't as good as
the later Witch series , Death series and  Guard series.
Anyone have an insight to offer ?

-- George  Duffield
somewhere near Lancre

To the Editor:

I wish to  complain about your Discworld novels. We are avid readers and
collectors of  fine books in our household, and therefore own a considerable
number of  floor-to-ceiling bookshelves; of these, several shelves have
been  exclusively devoted to your published works, particularly the Discworld

series of novels.

However, since purchasing our copy of THUD!, we  find that there is no
remaining space in the Pratchett section to place it.  This will necessitate
the purchase of yet another bookcase, and, should you  continue to write
Discworld novels for the next few decades, the purchase of  a larger house
with more available bookshelf space.

It may be all  well and good for the like of you writer chappies,
who can store entire  libraries on your Hex drives, but I feel you
may not be showing sufficient  consideration for the less well-
heeled among your readers. I may have to  raise this issue in the letters
page of the Times. I am also thinking of  writing to the local council.

-- R. P. Tyler (ret'd)

[ Ed Note:  Congratulations!  It is a good thing to have too many
books and not  enough shelves.  Would you want to have too many
shelves and not enough  books, or would you want to know
anyone who  does?]
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
End of  Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of  3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
JUNE 2006  (Volume 9, Issue 6)
Part 1 of 3  Sections
*****************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian  Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American  Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a  member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are  there any dues?
No.  Just ask to be put on the mailing  list.
*******************************************************************
Editor   in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News  Editor:  T.F. (Tiff) Peasey
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn, Paul Blake,  Steven D'Aprano
Book Reviews: Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor:  volunteer needed
Bard in Residence: Weird Alice Lancrevic
DW Horoscope:  Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World  Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins,  disk@...
Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign   Legion
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part  1
1) WINTERSMITH:  REVIEW
2) JINGO IN AUSTRALIA
3) TWO AFP MEETS IN CANADA
4) AROUND AND  ABOUT: Discworld News
5) TERRY AND THE PIRATES

====Part 2
6) SONG  OF THE MONTH
7) PTERRY PLOTTER
8)  LETTERS FROM ALL  OVER

====Part 3
9) YOUR NEW DW  HOROSCOPE

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 1

1) WINTERSMITH: REVIEW

NEVER KISS A BLIZZARD ON THE FIRST DATE:
a (p)review of  Wintersmith

by Annie Mac

Last month's Witchery Evolves essay was,  as mentioned, a bit of a
teaser for this month's review of Wintersmith. Now  then, Wintersmith
being a Tiffany Aching novel (the third), and Tiffany  Aching being a
young witch in training - and a personal favourite (not that  a
grilling over hot coals would ever get them to admit it) of both
Granny  Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg, Tiffany's ultimate mentors -
naturally Wintersmith  has the witching community in it. You might
even say it's the most  witch-centric of the Tiffany novels. And
Pterry has truly taken the witching  ball (crystal or otherwise) and
run with it this time, giving readers the  most comprehensive ever
look-in at the scope, social rituals and etiquette of  the Discworld
witches. Among other things, we learn far more about the  process of
How to Replace your Neighbourhood Witch, and about the way  witches
are perceived at grass-roots level (a subject very dear to  Miss
Tick's heart). We also get to meet a (very) elderly witch who  still
has all her marbles (and all her Boffo), and we're given a  greater
understanding of the Way of Mrs Ogg, i.e. why Nanny is so much  more
than just a cunning old lady who knows a trick or two and likes  a
drink or three.

And there are Feegles, of course. Lots of Feegles. A  high Feeglish
presence. What's more, the Nac Mac Feegle of the Chalk are  also
evolving, or at the very least moving with the times. Crivens!  No
spoilering here, but I promise you'll be delighted with Rob  Anybody's
choice of study materials, and the Feegle approach to  book-borrowing
...and inter-species relationships...it seems the Chalk  Feegles have
a knack for adopting, um, non-Feegle presences into their  Ach,
Horace, we ken ye well...

Central to Wintersmith is the story of  the Wintersmith himself and of
his interactions with the now adolescent  Tiffany. What we have here
is not so much about history repeating itself as  about certain
histories mirroring each other: as Tiffany's early years are in  so
many ways a reflection of young Esme's, so is Tiffany's  fascination
with the Wintersmith a parallel of Granny-to-be's  long-ago
fascination with the Queen of the Elves (cf. Lords and Ladies) -  and
these godlike, elemental beings recognised the latent power in
both  young witches and were fascinated in turn...in the case of the
Wintersmith,  very dangerously fascinated...dangerous for Tiffany and
for the entire  Discworld. And therein lies a tale.

...oh, and by the way, you'll finally  learn the secret of the
*other* Morris Dance.

The Tiffany Aching  series, being for "young adult" readers, may not
have the obvious gritty  punch and ever-increasing realistic darkness
of, say, the Watch novels, but  behind the relative gentleness and
once-upon-a-timeness of this young girl's  journey to adulthood lie
enormous home truths, universal resonances, and a  whacking great
dollop of pure, humanistic heart and soul, all of it delivered  in
Pratchett's ever more majestically inimitable style. For this
reader,  Tiffany Aching continues to be one of the most compelling
of all the  returning Discworld characters, and as her power and
maturity increase, so  does her hold over my affections.

Wintersmith will be released on October  1, 2006. I'd give it a Many. Now
where did I put my  Boffo...?
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) JINGO  IN AUSTRALIA

The Unseen Theatre Company, by arrangement with  Methuen Publishing Pty.
Ltd. presents the Australian premiere of Terry  Pratchett's "Jingo".
Adapted by Stephen Briggs. Directed by Pamela  Munt

Preview: June 30 at 8pm - All Tickets $12

Season:    July 1, 5, 6, 7, 8, 12, 13, 14, 15  at 8pm

Tickets: Adults $16,  Concession $14, Fringe Benefits $12, Friends of
Unseen $12, Groups (10+)  $10

Bookings:  Bakehouse Theatre on 8227 0505  or   pamela@...

Web site:  http://www.unseen.com.au
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3)  TWO AFP MEETS IN CANADA

Meet One:
01 July 2006, Saturday
1:00  pm
Cafe du Soleil (1393 Commercial Drive)
Vancouver, B.C.,  Canada
Jessie & April in attendance for sure

Meet Two:
05 July  2006, Wednesday
11:30 am
Vancouver, B.C., Canada
Benny's Bagels (2505  West Broadway)
Lesley & Blake & April in attendance for  sure

Vancouver does something to the brain; we never do
anything the  same was as anyone else.

'S prolly all the rain.  Which we're not  having now.

Anyone who will be around and would like to join  us,
please do!

-- April
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) AROUND AND ABOUT:  Discworld News

WUXTRY! WUXTRY! HERE IS DA NOOZ
by  T.F. Peasey

Bathonians making people proud:

Our esteemed former  News Editor, Anna M. Conina, is now co-moderator of
a certain Pterryesque  bulletin board. Here's an interesting bit that's been
mentioned there:  http://tinyurl.com/o9zo6

(and you can also go to http://tinyurl.com/gjkm4  and have a shufti
at the photographs in the "101 People to Make Bath Proud"  picture...
second row, second  right)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The  Liverpool Network Theatre Group are putting on three
performances of the play  'Lords and  Ladies', adapted by Irana
Brown at The Gladstone Theatre,  Port Sunlight, Wirral, Merseyside
on 22-24  June:

http://www.liverpoolnetworktheatre.org.uk/
http://www.gladstone.uk.com/
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5)  TERRY AND THE PIRATES

An interview with Terry on piracy has been  published in the May
issue of ALCS [Authors' Licensing and Collecting  Society] News. The full
version of this can be found  at:

http://www.alcs.co.uk/News%20Events/ALCS%20News/News%20Stories/
TerryPratchettInterview.aspx?template=/printerfriendly/alcs-newspf.aspx

or  http://tinyurl.com/jpgxl

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
End   of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of  3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2006 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8)  YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

KNOW YOUR  SIGNS

Hello again, my dear Zodimaniacs! This month, instead of giving  you
the usual waffle about what the stars hold for your immediate  future,
I'm going to let you in on some important information: namely,  what
lies behind those constellations that so often hedgehog up your  days
and nights. Did you ever wonder how those constellations got  their
names? Or who first discovered them? Or, for that matter, why  some
of them keep changing? Well, now, let's consult the Book of  Ultimate
Reference, known to Roundworlders as The Discworld Companion,  about
that last one: Stars immediately ahead of the Turtle's line  of
flight change their position only very gradually, as do the ones
aft.  The ones at right angles, however, may easily alter their
relative positions  in the lifetime of the average person, so there
is a constant need for an  updating of the Zodiac, it sayeth. And,
This does at least mean that  astrology on the Disc is a dynamic
thing and not a repository for some rather  unimaginative
mythology... (unimaginative? Hah! We're not *all* members of  the
N'Tuitif tribe, you know).

Every star has a story behind it.  Granted, this tends to be a very
short and technical story, along the lines  of Gas wandered, gas
coalesced, gas ignited, still burning, check for  updates, but once
those various stars formed patterns that could be seen by  curious
eyes - and some of those eyes have been curious indeed  -
constellations were born. And people gave them names, because
people in  all universes seem to suffer from a compulsion to name
things... also because  Twinkle, twinkle, little ball of
superheated gases lacks a certain  singalongability.

According to some sources, astrology was first invented  in Ephebe,
although the word astrology derives from the Latatian word  astera
(sky flower); there is also some argument favouring  Hersheban
origins. The Druids of Llamedos also claim to have been the  first
to chart the influence of the stars, but they would, wouldn't they
-  silly homicidal maniacs in dresses that they are. The Hublands
barbarians are  said to have developed a theory of certain
constellations affecting the  births and wars of humankind, but
since Hublanders tend to be laconic,  monosyllabic sorts who would
never dream of using words like theory and  certain and since
civilised persons rarely see Hublanders except in the form  of
large, threatening hulks wielding large, threatening  broadswords,
little is known about the veracity of this.

Here, then,  are the stories behind how the constellations of your
Signs got their  names...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


The Adamant Hedgehog  21  Mar - 20 Apr

The Adamant Hedgehog is a vigorous constellation of mostly  blue-
white giants with a spectacular halo of red dwarfs (not  *those*
dwarfs) that are usually taken to represent the Hedgehog's  spines.
The Hedgehog was first named by Calcum Forbearance Gluteal  of
Unseen University, a onetime UU Librarian whose main hobby was
the  cataloguing of popular and ancient folk songs of the Disc. To
Professor  Gluteal we owe the credit for the first written version
of the Hedgehog Song,  although it must be said that *his* version
features quite a number of thick  black lines drawn through parts
of several verses. The Adamant Hedgehog is  unusual for changing
shape with surprising frequency; on some clear nights,  it appears
to be rolled into a ball. The High Energy Magic Department of  UU
sing their own version of the famous folksong, The Hedgehog Can
Never  Be Triangulated At All.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase  of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

The constellation Gahoolie was first  named by Gardener Constant,
topiarist to the Duchess of Quirm - Quirm being a  place where
imagination comes at a high enough premium to have its own  tax
rating. Its brightest stars are Chelsi (a white dwarf in Gufi,
the  primary celestial tulip) and Dafi, the so-called Thorn of
Gahoolie. Constant  is best known, otherwise, for his obsession
with thorns; he was the first  horticulturist to successfully cross
a black tulip with the carnivorous  Cackling Rose of the Tezuman
jungles. He mysteriously disappeared one day  from the Duchess'
research greenhouse, but his name lives on, along with  some
oddly bloodstained garden  gloves.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May -  21 Jun

Herne the Hunted, the Lancrastian God of small, frightened,  furry
prey, is usually represented as being about three feet tall  with
long, floppy rabbit-ears and very small horns, but up in the  skies
his constellation is rather more impressive; for a start,  his
heavenly horns are said by the Society of Skywatchers to be more
than  five times as long as Great A'Tuin, and - no, Mrs Ogg, I am
not going to  discuss tonkers here, this is a family column! - his
twitching nose takes the  form of the variable star Rhobandi Hudiman.
Herne's Nose sparkles with  uncommon brightness and has helped many
a small furred creature - and small  inebriated human - to get home
to a place of safety. Herne is a very  long-known constellation,
and was most probably named by an  Ogg.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and  Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

The constellation known as the Wizard's Staff  and Knob was named
in 1786 in Bonk, Uberwald by the Von Husher sisters,  Neurasthenia
and Anaglypta, porphyric invalid twins who could bear no  daylight
and thus spent the long Uberwaldean nights studying the  heavens
(and searching for handsome young men to exsanguinate, but  that's
another story). The chief and brightest star of the Knob is  called,
strangely, Flaccus, despite having been first discovered by  the
Tsortean stargazer Erektus. Mind you, that was a long time ago,
and  things change.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

No mystery here as to the name of  this constellation, but there is
often disagreement as to its shape, or more  properly what that
shape represents. One school of thought holds that  the
constellation Bilious takes the form of a cocktail glass with one
of  those little paper umbrellas in it, but many say its wide-
topped,  long-stemmed form is actually a representation of a toilet
bowl and the paper  umbrella is a head bending over  it.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23  Sept

The constellation of Mubbo is said to be the heavenly spirit  of
the Hyena God of the Lost XXXXians, a relative of their  similarly
time-lost god Wezen the Double-headed Kangaroo; Wezen  being
another of the Disc's sixty-four constellations, but one that  has
since passed out of the skies as Great A'Tuin swims ever  onward.
Legend has it that Mubbo was once a powerful spirit that  stole
children from dingoes. Or perhaps stole dingoes from  children.
Far  too much time and beer has obscured the original  story.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars, most  distant constellation
in the night skies and one of the few on a direct aft  position to
the Turtle's line of flight, was first discovered by  Herbert
Paternoster, a postal inspector from Sto Lat. This  constellation
is also noted for having been considered too insignificant to  be
counted by the wizard Numbers Riktor. It was, however, the
subject of  the controversial Methodia Rascal painting Io Watches
Chickens, although some  art critics claim that the tiny, faint
dots in the upper right of the canvas  are actually crumbs from
the painter's toasted egg  sandwich.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


Androgyna Majestis   24 Oct - 22 Nov

The constellation picturing the god(dess) Androgyna  Majestis is a
relatively new discovery, having only appeared in the night  skies
barely a year ago. It was named by Ms Noreen Cumbersome, an
amateur  astronomer, Secretary of the Ankh-Morpork Women's
Awareness Society (so  called, it is said, because people are
often unaware that many of its members  are in fact women), and
secret author of the popular Misericordia Mature  series of
bodice-ripper novels. Few people seem to agree on the exact  shape
of Androgyna, nor which of the constellation's distinctive
purplish  stars represent his/her dangly bits. Or, for that
matter, what *kind* of  dangly bits they're meant to  represent.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23  Nov - 21 Dec

Five brilliant azure stars - Huii, Duii, Luii, Britnii  and
Bueller - delineate the Toes of T'Phon, one of the great  astral
elephant Bearers of the Disc. The story of T'Phon's Toes is  an
ancient Howondaland myth (and one far too long and unexciting
to be  told here), but credit for the constellation's discovery
goes to the  mountaineer Ponsonby Surefoot Gumboot-Slyme, who
first saw this stunning  constellation when resting on the upper
slopes of the north face of Cori  Celesti. This credit was given
posthumously, after his climbing journal was  found on the
*lower* slopes of Cori Celesti. It appears that he did finish  the
ascent, but came a cropper when trying to plant the Morporkian
flag of  conquest between the toes of Offler and struck a  bunion.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec  - 20 Jan

The constellation of Hoki the Jokester honours Hoki, yet  another
Ramtops nature god who, according to the Book of  Ultimate
Reference, usually manifests as an oak tree, a  half-man/half-goat
presence, or "his most common aspect as a bloody  nuisance", and
who is found only in deep woods in Lancre. But such is  the
nature of this nature god that he has been adopted (with a sort
of  infuriated fondness) by accident victims, persons passed over
for promotion,  and recent bridegrooms all over the Disc. Hoki's
stellar form appears to be a  bit undecided - it looks rather
like a half-man/half-goat that got stuck in  an oak tree. The
brightest star in Hoki is the octarine dwarf Kummonnau, and  is
the favourite wishing star of those whose wishes never come  true.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21  Jan - 18 Feb

The constellation of the Rather Large Gazunda was named  in
Brindisi by the late, lamented Credenza, Marchionessa di
Rigatoni, who  would swear upon this stellar confection to
witness her doomed love for the  young suitor Rumbelow, whose
family - the Mountebanchis - were considered  persona non grata
by the Rigatonis. The broken-hearted Rumbelow took poison  and
asked Credenza to join him in his fatal protest, but she lost
her  nerve at the last moment and substituted a thimbleful of
imported scumble;  amazingly enough, she survived, and lived to
the age of ninety, gazing  mournfully at her favourite
constellation and eating a lot of chocolate. Ever  since, the
Rather Large Gazunda has been considered the constellation  of,
um, star-crossed lovers.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser  Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

Lesser Umbrage is a constellation  that rarely excites much
comment, being almost as small, boring and faint as  the Small
Boring Group of Faint Stars. Its only noteworthiness comes
from  its being the companion constellation to Great Umbrage,
one of the most  lifelike of all the constellations (read: one
that looks most like an actual  something, as opposed to one of
those well, if you squint like so, and stand  on one foot
leaning Turnwise, and have had quite a lot of  alcoholic
beverages before coming outside to contemplate the  starry
heavens... wossnames), resembles nothing so much as a
retired  brigadier general awakened too soon, after lunch,
cigars and port, but an  overly enthusiastic almanack salesman.
Lesser Umbrage was discovered and  named, but no-one has yet
bothered to come forth and take the credit.  Sometimes a bunch
of stars is just a bunch of stars, after  all.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright 2006 by  Klatchian Foreign Legion
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2006 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9)  YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

KNOW YOUR  SIGNS

Hello again, my dear Zodimaniacs! This month, instead of giving  you
the usual waffle about what the stars hold for your immediate  future,
I'm going to let you in on some important information: namely,  what
lies behind those constellations that so often hedgehog up your  days
and nights. Did you ever wonder how those constellations got  their
names? Or who first discovered them? Or, for that matter, why  some
of them keep changing? Well, now, let's consult the Book of  Ultimate
Reference, known to Roundworlders as The Discworld Companion,  about
that last one: Stars immediately ahead of the Turtle's line  of
flight change their position only very gradually, as do the ones
aft.  The ones at right angles, however, may easily alter their
relative positions  in the lifetime of the average person, so there
is a constant need for an  updating of the Zodiac, it sayeth. And,
This does at least mean that  astrology on the Disc is a dynamic
thing and not a repository for some rather  unimaginative
mythology... (unimaginative? Hah! We're not *all* members of  the
N'Tuitif tribe, you know).

Every star has a story behind it.  Granted, this tends to be a very
short and technical story, along the lines  of Gas wandered, gas
coalesced, gas ignited, still burning, check for  updates, but once
those various stars formed patterns that could be seen by  curious
eyes - and some of those eyes have been curious indeed  -
constellations were born. And people gave them names, because
people in  all universes seem to suffer from a compulsion to name
things... also because  Twinkle, twinkle, little ball of
superheated gases lacks a certain  singalongability.

According to some sources, astrology was first invented  in Ephebe,
although the word astrology derives from the Latatian word  astera
(sky flower); there is also some argument favouring  Hersheban
origins. The Druids of Llamedos also claim to have been the  first
to chart the influence of the stars, but they would, wouldn't they
-  silly homicidal maniacs in dresses that they are. The Hublands
barbarians are  said to have developed a theory of certain
constellations affecting the  births and wars of humankind, but
since Hublanders tend to be laconic,  monosyllabic sorts who would
never dream of using words like theory and  certain and since
civilised persons rarely see Hublanders except in the form  of
large, threatening hulks wielding large, threatening  broadswords,
little is known about the veracity of this.

Here, then,  are the stories behind how the constellations of your
Signs got their  names...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


The Adamant Hedgehog  21  Mar - 20 Apr

The Adamant Hedgehog is a vigorous constellation of mostly  blue-
white giants with a spectacular halo of red dwarfs (not  *those*
dwarfs) that are usually taken to represent the Hedgehog's  spines.
The Hedgehog was first named by Calcum Forbearance Gluteal  of
Unseen University, a onetime UU Librarian whose main hobby was
the  cataloguing of popular and ancient folk songs of the Disc. To
Professor  Gluteal we owe the credit for the first written version
of the Hedgehog Song,  although it must be said that *his* version
features quite a number of thick  black lines drawn through parts
of several verses. The Adamant Hedgehog is  unusual for changing
shape with surprising frequency; on some clear nights,  it appears
to be rolled into a ball. The High Energy Magic Department of  UU
sing their own version of the famous folksong, The Hedgehog Can
Never  Be Triangulated At All.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase  of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

The constellation Gahoolie was first  named by Gardener Constant,
topiarist to the Duchess of Quirm - Quirm being a  place where
imagination comes at a high enough premium to have its own  tax
rating. Its brightest stars are Chelsi (a white dwarf in Gufi,
the  primary celestial tulip) and Dafi, the so-called Thorn of
Gahoolie. Constant  is best known, otherwise, for his obsession
with thorns; he was the first  horticulturist to successfully cross
a black tulip with the carnivorous  Cackling Rose of the Tezuman
jungles. He mysteriously disappeared one day  from the Duchess'
research greenhouse, but his name lives on, along with  some
oddly bloodstained garden  gloves.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May -  21 Jun

Herne the Hunted, the Lancrastian God of small, frightened,  furry
prey, is usually represented as being about three feet tall  with
long, floppy rabbit-ears and very small horns, but up in the  skies
his constellation is rather more impressive; for a start,  his
heavenly horns are said by the Society of Skywatchers to be more
than  five times as long as Great A'Tuin, and - no, Mrs Ogg, I am
not going to  discuss tonkers here, this is a family column! - his
twitching nose takes the  form of the variable star Rhobandi Hudiman.
Herne's Nose sparkles with  uncommon brightness and has helped many
a small furred creature - and small  inebriated human - to get home
to a place of safety. Herne is a very  long-known constellation,
and was most probably named by an  Ogg.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and  Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

The constellation known as the Wizard's Staff  and Knob was named
in 1786 in Bonk, Uberwald by the Von Husher sisters,  Neurasthenia
and Anaglypta, porphyric invalid twins who could bear no  daylight
and thus spent the long Uberwaldean nights studying the  heavens
(and searching for handsome young men to exsanguinate, but  that's
another story). The chief and brightest star of the Knob is  called,
strangely, Flaccus, despite having been first discovered by  the
Tsortean stargazer Erektus. Mind you, that was a long time ago,
and  things change.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

No mystery here as to the name of  this constellation, but there is
often disagreement as to its shape, or more  properly what that
shape represents. One school of thought holds that  the
constellation Bilious takes the form of a cocktail glass with one
of  those little paper umbrellas in it, but many say its wide-
topped,  long-stemmed form is actually a representation of a toilet
bowl and the paper  umbrella is a head bending over  it.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23  Sept

The constellation of Mubbo is said to be the heavenly spirit  of
the Hyena God of the Lost XXXXians, a relative of their  similarly
time-lost god Wezen the Double-headed Kangaroo; Wezen  being
another of the Disc's sixty-four constellations, but one that  has
since passed out of the skies as Great A'Tuin swims ever  onward.
Legend has it that Mubbo was once a powerful spirit that  stole
children from dingoes. Or perhaps stole dingoes from  children.
Far  too much time and beer has obscured the original  story.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars, most  distant constellation
in the night skies and one of the few on a direct aft  position to
the Turtle's line of flight, was first discovered by  Herbert
Paternoster, a postal inspector from Sto Lat. This  constellation
is also noted for having been considered too insignificant to  be
counted by the wizard Numbers Riktor. It was, however, the
subject of  the controversial Methodia Rascal painting Io Watches
Chickens, although some  art critics claim that the tiny, faint
dots in the upper right of the canvas  are actually crumbs from
the painter's toasted egg  sandwich.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


Androgyna Majestis   24 Oct - 22 Nov

The constellation picturing the god(dess) Androgyna  Majestis is a
relatively new discovery, having only appeared in the night  skies
barely a year ago. It was named by Ms Noreen Cumbersome, an
amateur  astronomer, Secretary of the Ankh-Morpork Women's
Awareness Society (so  called, it is said, because people are
often unaware that many of its members  are in fact women), and
secret author of the popular Misericordia Mature  series of
bodice-ripper novels. Few people seem to agree on the exact  shape
of Androgyna, nor which of the constellation's distinctive
purplish  stars represent his/her dangly bits. Or, for that
matter, what *kind* of  dangly bits they're meant to  represent.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23  Nov - 21 Dec

Five brilliant azure stars - Huii, Duii, Luii, Britnii  and
Bueller - delineate the Toes of T'Phon, one of the great  astral
elephant Bearers of the Disc. The story of T'Phon's Toes is  an
ancient Howondaland myth (and one far too long and unexciting
to be  told here), but credit for the constellation's discovery
goes to the  mountaineer Ponsonby Surefoot Gumboot-Slyme, who
first saw this stunning  constellation when resting on the upper
slopes of the north face of Cori  Celesti. This credit was given
posthumously, after his climbing journal was  found on the
*lower* slopes of Cori Celesti. It appears that he did finish  the
ascent, but came a cropper when trying to plant the Morporkian
flag of  conquest between the toes of Offler and struck a  bunion.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec  - 20 Jan

The constellation of Hoki the Jokester honours Hoki, yet  another
Ramtops nature god who, according to the Book of  Ultimate
Reference, usually manifests as an oak tree, a  half-man/half-goat
presence, or "his most common aspect as a bloody  nuisance", and
who is found only in deep woods in Lancre. But such is  the
nature of this nature god that he has been adopted (with a sort
of  infuriated fondness) by accident victims, persons passed over
for promotion,  and recent bridegrooms all over the Disc. Hoki's
stellar form appears to be a  bit undecided - it looks rather
like a half-man/half-goat that got stuck in  an oak tree. The
brightest star in Hoki is the octarine dwarf Kummonnau, and  is
the favourite wishing star of those whose wishes never come  true.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21  Jan - 18 Feb

The constellation of the Rather Large Gazunda was named  in
Brindisi by the late, lamented Credenza, Marchionessa di
Rigatoni, who  would swear upon this stellar confection to
witness her doomed love for the  young suitor Rumbelow, whose
family - the Mountebanchis - were considered  persona non grata
by the Rigatonis. The broken-hearted Rumbelow took poison  and
asked Credenza to join him in his fatal protest, but she lost
her  nerve at the last moment and substituted a thimbleful of
imported scumble;  amazingly enough, she survived, and lived to
the age of ninety, gazing  mournfully at her favourite
constellation and eating a lot of chocolate. Ever  since, the
Rather Large Gazunda has been considered the constellation  of,
um, star-crossed lovers.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser  Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

Lesser Umbrage is a constellation  that rarely excites much
comment, being almost as small, boring and faint as  the Small
Boring Group of Faint Stars. Its only noteworthiness comes
from  its being the companion constellation to Great Umbrage,
one of the most  lifelike of all the constellations (read: one
that looks most like an actual  something, as opposed to one of
those well, if you squint like so, and stand  on one foot
leaning Turnwise, and have had quite a lot of  alcoholic
beverages before coming outside to contemplate the  starry
heavens... wossnames), resembles nothing so much as a
retired  brigadier general awakened too soon, after lunch,
cigars and port, but an  overly enthusiastic almanack salesman.
Lesser Umbrage was discovered and  named, but no-one has yet
bothered to come forth and take the credit.  Sometimes a bunch
of stars is just a bunch of stars, after  all.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright 2006 by  Klatchian Foreign Legion
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2006 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9)  YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

KNOW YOUR  SIGNS

Hello again, my dear Zodimaniacs! This month, instead of giving  you
the usual waffle about what the stars hold for your immediate  future,
I'm going to let you in on some important information: namely,  what
lies behind those constellations that so often hedgehog up your  days
and nights. Did you ever wonder how those constellations got  their
names? Or who first discovered them? Or, for that matter, why  some
of them keep changing? Well, now, let's consult the Book of  Ultimate
Reference, known to Roundworlders as The Discworld Companion,  about
that last one: Stars immediately ahead of the Turtle's line  of
flight change their position only very gradually, as do the ones
aft.  The ones at right angles, however, may easily alter their
relative positions  in the lifetime of the average person, so there
is a constant need for an  updating of the Zodiac, it sayeth. And,
This does at least mean that  astrology on the Disc is a dynamic
thing and not a repository for some rather  unimaginative
mythology... (unimaginative? Hah! We're not *all* members of  the
N'Tuitif tribe, you know).

Every star has a story behind it.  Granted, this tends to be a very
short and technical story, along the lines  of Gas wandered, gas
coalesced, gas ignited, still burning, check for  updates, but once
those various stars formed patterns that could be seen by  curious
eyes - and some of those eyes have been curious indeed  -
constellations were born. And people gave them names, because
people in  all universes seem to suffer from a compulsion to name
things... also because  Twinkle, twinkle, little ball of
superheated gases lacks a certain  singalongability.

According to some sources, astrology was first invented  in Ephebe,
although the word astrology derives from the Latatian word  astera
(sky flower); there is also some argument favouring  Hersheban
origins. The Druids of Llamedos also claim to have been the  first
to chart the influence of the stars, but they would, wouldn't they
-  silly homicidal maniacs in dresses that they are. The Hublands
barbarians are  said to have developed a theory of certain
constellations affecting the  births and wars of humankind, but
since Hublanders tend to be laconic,  monosyllabic sorts who would
never dream of using words like theory and  certain and since
civilised persons rarely see Hublanders except in the form  of
large, threatening hulks wielding large, threatening  broadswords,
little is known about the veracity of this.

Here, then,  are the stories behind how the constellations of your
Signs got their  names...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


The Adamant Hedgehog  21  Mar - 20 Apr

The Adamant Hedgehog is a vigorous constellation of mostly  blue-
white giants with a spectacular halo of red dwarfs (not  *those*
dwarfs) that are usually taken to represent the Hedgehog's  spines.
The Hedgehog was first named by Calcum Forbearance Gluteal  of
Unseen University, a onetime UU Librarian whose main hobby was
the  cataloguing of popular and ancient folk songs of the Disc. To
Professor  Gluteal we owe the credit for the first written version
of the Hedgehog Song,  although it must be said that *his* version
features quite a number of thick  black lines drawn through parts
of several verses. The Adamant Hedgehog is  unusual for changing
shape with surprising frequency; on some clear nights,  it appears
to be rolled into a ball. The High Energy Magic Department of  UU
sing their own version of the famous folksong, The Hedgehog Can
Never  Be Triangulated At All.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase  of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

The constellation Gahoolie was first  named by Gardener Constant,
topiarist to the Duchess of Quirm - Quirm being a  place where
imagination comes at a high enough premium to have its own  tax
rating. Its brightest stars are Chelsi (a white dwarf in Gufi,
the  primary celestial tulip) and Dafi, the so-called Thorn of
Gahoolie. Constant  is best known, otherwise, for his obsession
with thorns; he was the first  horticulturist to successfully cross
a black tulip with the carnivorous  Cackling Rose of the Tezuman
jungles. He mysteriously disappeared one day  from the Duchess'
research greenhouse, but his name lives on, along with  some
oddly bloodstained garden  gloves.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May -  21 Jun

Herne the Hunted, the Lancrastian God of small, frightened,  furry
prey, is usually represented as being about three feet tall  with
long, floppy rabbit-ears and very small horns, but up in the  skies
his constellation is rather more impressive; for a start,  his
heavenly horns are said by the Society of Skywatchers to be more
than  five times as long as Great A'Tuin, and - no, Mrs Ogg, I am
not going to  discuss tonkers here, this is a family column! - his
twitching nose takes the  form of the variable star Rhobandi Hudiman.
Herne's Nose sparkles with  uncommon brightness and has helped many
a small furred creature - and small  inebriated human - to get home
to a place of safety. Herne is a very  long-known constellation,
and was most probably named by an  Ogg.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and  Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

The constellation known as the Wizard's Staff  and Knob was named
in 1786 in Bonk, Uberwald by the Von Husher sisters,  Neurasthenia
and Anaglypta, porphyric invalid twins who could bear no  daylight
and thus spent the long Uberwaldean nights studying the  heavens
(and searching for handsome young men to exsanguinate, but  that's
another story). The chief and brightest star of the Knob is  called,
strangely, Flaccus, despite having been first discovered by  the
Tsortean stargazer Erektus. Mind you, that was a long time ago,
and  things change.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

No mystery here as to the name of  this constellation, but there is
often disagreement as to its shape, or more  properly what that
shape represents. One school of thought holds that  the
constellation Bilious takes the form of a cocktail glass with one
of  those little paper umbrellas in it, but many say its wide-
topped,  long-stemmed form is actually a representation of a toilet
bowl and the paper  umbrella is a head bending over  it.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23  Sept

The constellation of Mubbo is said to be the heavenly spirit  of
the Hyena God of the Lost XXXXians, a relative of their  similarly
time-lost god Wezen the Double-headed Kangaroo; Wezen  being
another of the Disc's sixty-four constellations, but one that  has
since passed out of the skies as Great A'Tuin swims ever  onward.
Legend has it that Mubbo was once a powerful spirit that  stole
children from dingoes. Or perhaps stole dingoes from  children.
Far  too much time and beer has obscured the original  story.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars, most  distant constellation
in the night skies and one of the few on a direct aft  position to
the Turtle's line of flight, was first discovered by  Herbert
Paternoster, a postal inspector from Sto Lat. This  constellation
is also noted for having been considered too insignificant to  be
counted by the wizard Numbers Riktor. It was, however, the
subject of  the controversial Methodia Rascal painting Io Watches
Chickens, although some  art critics claim that the tiny, faint
dots in the upper right of the canvas  are actually crumbs from
the painter's toasted egg  sandwich.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


Androgyna Majestis   24 Oct - 22 Nov

The constellation picturing the god(dess) Androgyna  Majestis is a
relatively new discovery, having only appeared in the night  skies
barely a year ago. It was named by Ms Noreen Cumbersome, an
amateur  astronomer, Secretary of the Ankh-Morpork Women's
Awareness Society (so  called, it is said, because people are
often unaware that many of its members  are in fact women), and
secret author of the popular Misericordia Mature  series of
bodice-ripper novels. Few people seem to agree on the exact  shape
of Androgyna, nor which of the constellation's distinctive
purplish  stars represent his/her dangly bits. Or, for that
matter, what *kind* of  dangly bits they're meant to  represent.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23  Nov - 21 Dec

Five brilliant azure stars - Huii, Duii, Luii, Britnii  and
Bueller - delineate the Toes of T'Phon, one of the great  astral
elephant Bearers of the Disc. The story of T'Phon's Toes is  an
ancient Howondaland myth (and one far too long and unexciting
to be  told here), but credit for the constellation's discovery
goes to the  mountaineer Ponsonby Surefoot Gumboot-Slyme, who
first saw this stunning  constellation when resting on the upper
slopes of the north face of Cori  Celesti. This credit was given
posthumously, after his climbing journal was  found on the
*lower* slopes of Cori Celesti. It appears that he did finish  the
ascent, but came a cropper when trying to plant the Morporkian
flag of  conquest between the toes of Offler and struck a  bunion.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec  - 20 Jan

The constellation of Hoki the Jokester honours Hoki, yet  another
Ramtops nature god who, according to the Book of  Ultimate
Reference, usually manifests as an oak tree, a  half-man/half-goat
presence, or "his most common aspect as a bloody  nuisance", and
who is found only in deep woods in Lancre. But such is  the
nature of this nature god that he has been adopted (with a sort
of  infuriated fondness) by accident victims, persons passed over
for promotion,  and recent bridegrooms all over the Disc. Hoki's
stellar form appears to be a  bit undecided - it looks rather
like a half-man/half-goat that got stuck in  an oak tree. The
brightest star in Hoki is the octarine dwarf Kummonnau, and  is
the favourite wishing star of those whose wishes never come  true.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21  Jan - 18 Feb

The constellation of the Rather Large Gazunda was named  in
Brindisi by the late, lamented Credenza, Marchionessa di
Rigatoni, who  would swear upon this stellar confection to
witness her doomed love for the  young suitor Rumbelow, whose
family - the Mountebanchis - were considered  persona non grata
by the Rigatonis. The broken-hearted Rumbelow took poison  and
asked Credenza to join him in his fatal protest, but she lost
her  nerve at the last moment and substituted a thimbleful of
imported scumble;  amazingly enough, she survived, and lived to
the age of ninety, gazing  mournfully at her favourite
constellation and eating a lot of chocolate. Ever  since, the
Rather Large Gazunda has been considered the constellation  of,
um, star-crossed lovers.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser  Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

Lesser Umbrage is a constellation  that rarely excites much
comment, being almost as small, boring and faint as  the Small
Boring Group of Faint Stars. Its only noteworthiness comes
from  its being the companion constellation to Great Umbrage,
one of the most  lifelike of all the constellations (read: one
that looks most like an actual  something, as opposed to one of
those well, if you squint like so, and stand  on one foot
leaning Turnwise, and have had quite a lot of  alcoholic
beverages before coming outside to contemplate the  starry
heavens... wossnames), resembles nothing so much as a
retired  brigadier general awakened too soon, after lunch,
cigars and port, but an  overly enthusiastic almanack salesman.
Lesser Umbrage was discovered and  named, but no-one has yet
bothered to come forth and take the credit.  Sometimes a bunch
of stars is just a bunch of stars, after  all.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright 2006 by  Klatchian Foreign Legion
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
JULY 2006  (Volume 9, Issue 7)
Part 1 of 3  Sections
*****************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian  Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American  Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a  member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are  there any dues?
No.  Just ask to be put on the mailing  list.
*******************************************************************
Editor   in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News  Editor:  T.F. (Tiff) Peasey
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn, Paul Blake,  Steven D'Aprano
Book Reviews: Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor:  volunteer needed
Bard in Residence: Weird Alice Lancrevic
DW Horoscope:  Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World  Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins,  disk@...
Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign   Legion
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part  1
1) QUOTE OF THE  MONTH
2) PTERRY TO ATTEND USA MIDSOUTH CON IN MARCH '07
3) PTERRY AND THE  PIRATES, AGAIN
4) BUT HAVE ANY BEEN TRANSLATED INTO KLATCHIAN?
5)  WINTERSMITH TOUR DATES IN THE UK
6) THE TRUTH IN AUGUST
7) SEAMSTRESSES ON  THE DISCWORLD

====Part 2
8) SONG OF THE MONTH
9) DISCWORLD PLAY  ADAPTATIONS
10)  LETTERS FROM ALL OVER

====Part 3
11) YOUR NEW  DW HOROSCOPE
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 1

1) QUOTE OF THE MONTH

"Vampires have risen  from the dead, the grave and the crypt, but have
never managed it from the  cat."
~Terry Pratchett: "Witches  Abroad"

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2)  PTERRY TO ATTEND USA MIDSOUTHCON 25 IN MARCH '07

Terry Pratchett has been  selected as the main Guest of Honor
at the Midsouth Con in Memphis, TN on  March 23-25, 2007.

Online Pre-Registration is open for MSC 25. For the  details see
Pricing & Registration at  http://midsouthcon.org/index.html
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3)  PTERRY AND THE PIRATES, AGAIN
by T.F. Peasey

There is an article on  internet piracy and Pratchett in The Times,
titled 'Welcome to the disc  underworld'. It can be read  at:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/newspaper/0,,170-2273188,00.html

An  extract:'Terry Pratchett, whose bestselling fantasy books have
been published  in 35 languages, told The Times that his agent
regularly monitored the  internet to keep a check on any counterfeit
copies. Every week more examples  were found. He said: "But there's
always a feeling that one is rushing around  plugging holes into the
dam. One is pursuing a guerrilla war."

'Any  Pratchett e-book that appears for sale has definitely been
pirated because  only one of his bestselling novels, Thud!, is
available legitimately in that  form. No one has been given a
licence to produce the  others.'
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) BUT  HAVE ANY BEEN TRANSLATED INTO KLATCHIAN?

Colin Smythe reports that he has  received copies of the Greek
edition of 'Pyramids' (published by Psychogios),  a Spanish mass-
market unillustrated edition of 'Eric' (deBolsillo),  Latvian
editions of 'The Amazing Maurice' and 'The Wee Free Men'  (Zvaigzne)
and a Dutch edition of 'A Hat Full of Sky' (Uitgeverij M).  It's
always good to know the Word of the Master keeps on  spreading!
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5)  WINTERSMITH TOUR DATES IN THE UK

The following dates have so far been  confirmed by Rob Wilkins - we
will let you know if any more dates are  confirmed.  At the moment we
have no details of Terry's US  dates.


Thursday 28th September, 6pm - Terry in conversation  with...

At the Institute of Education, 20 Bedford Way,  London.

Organised by Blackwell's Charing Cross Road.

You will need to apply for tickets for this event. Full ticketing
details to be confirmed soon, so please do not contact the shop at
this stage.

Friday 29th September, 6.30pm - Terry in conversation  with...

At The Dancehouse, 10 Oxford Road,  Manchester.

Organised by Waterstone's Deansgate.

You  will need to apply for tickets for this event. Full ticketing
details  to be confirmed soon, so please do not contact the shop at
this  stage.

Saturday 30th September, 12.30pm - Signing session

At Borders Buchanan Street, Glasgow.

98 Buchanan Street, Royal  Exchange Square.

Monday 2nd October, 5.30pm - Signing session

At  Ottakar's Bromsgrove.

66-68 High Street, Bromsgrove,  Worcs.

Wednesday 4th October, 5pm - Signing session

At  WHSmith Exeter.

34-35 Guildhall Shopping Centre,  Exeter.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) THE  TRUTH IN AUGUST

An adaptation of Terry Pratchett's novel THE TRUTH, will  be
performed by Stuffed Onion Theatre Company at Harrison Hall,
Harrison  Drive, Wallasey, Wirral. (opposite Grove Road Station).

Dates:
Evening  Performances: 24th - 26th August at 19:30
Matinee: 26th August at  14:00

Tickets are GPB 5.00 and may be purchased from Phil  Cartwright:
Tel: 0151 638 0862
Email:  nfawdry_2000@...
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7)  SEAMSTRESSES ON THE DISCWORLD

by Stacie Haines, reprinted by permission  of the author

Inside the Victorian Home by Judith Flanders offers an  explanation about why
"seamstress" means what it does in DW terms. It's  pretty obvious anyway, or
it is to me (guilty of being a Victorian scholar),  but it was still
interesting to come upon the explanation in  B&W.

Poor women worked as seamstresses, but it was extremely  difficult to get
work, and there were a lot of them; so they were nominally  seamstresses, but
had to supplement their income.

Page  313:
Gentleness, silence, and ignorance were almost synonymous  as
desireable ladylike traits. Arthur Munby offered financial help to
a  milliner who had fallen on hard times. She had managed to keep
herself away  from prostitution, the all-too-easy end for many poor
seamstresses, but even  so, noted Munby, "though a virtuous
respectable girl, [she] has not--nor can  any such girl have -- the ignorance
of vice which one desires in a  lady.

So even though this woman did not sell her sexual favors, she  was
close enough to know about the possibility, and probably knew girls
or  women who did have to rely on prostituting themselves to get by.  Even
the knowledge of such was enough to make one "unladylike."

Seamstress  was the default occupation for women who needed to work
and had nothing else;  needlework was a common skill, and necessary
because laundry frequently  required taking garments apart for
cleaning, and sewing them back together  after. There was,therefore, more
needlework than mending and original  manufacture would account for. But
women and girls of the household would  often do some of
this work, so seamstresses couldn't count on employment and  often
had to fall back on the trade for which every woman came  ready
equipped. Needlework required little in the way of equipment,  and
prostitution required even less. There was an enormous overlap.

I  found it interesting that Pratchett didn't just pick something
--this was a  definite social trend in 19th century Britain.

I highly recommend this  book as easy to read and engaging; I have
found it to be of great value in  supplementing one's enjoyment of
19th Century British literature.

from  http://www.esmeraldus.blogspot.com/
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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WOSSNAME -- JULY 2006 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
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11)  YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

DANCING WITH  THE STARS

This month we examine the medium of dance. As the heavens  influence
all endeavours, especially arts and entertainment, it's important  to
choose dances that best match the qualities of your Signs. Dance  can
express the nuances of the Inner Person. Dances are also great
places  for fellows to pick up a bird (most notably at harvest
festivals and  agricultural shows), and are an excellent way to get
exercise without all  that horribly unattractive sports clothing.
There are many varieties of  dances, from the formal Minuet to the
very much not-formal Highland Fling. So  put on your dancing shoes
and get down to the  rhythm...
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar -  20 Apr

Your dance is the Minuet. This is the ancient dance of  Ankh-Morpork
nobs, but revived interest in the Minuet these days means it can  be
danced by non-nobs and even by Nobby Nobbs. The Minuet is slow,
formal  and stately, even (one could say) nation-stately, and danced
to the precise  strains of a string quartet or chamber orchestra; and
believe me, the sound  of an entire chamber orchestra straining is
an experience not to be missed. A  faster, shorter variant is the
famous Minute Minuet. Modern dwarf dancers  have also pioneered the
Minute Minute Minuet, danced during mining breaks and  beard-
braiding competitions. Beware: minuscule Minuetting miners,  strained
orchestras.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of  Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

Your dance is the Waltz. From Bonk in  Uberwald comes the whirling,
enchanting Waltz, a fairytale spectacle of  brightly-costumed
dancers circling their way around a vast expanse of marble  floor
while the local vampires choose their drinks of the evening. In  more
sparsely undead-populated areas, the Waltz has become popular  (and
the chances of making it home afterwards with your jugular  intact
make it a favourite). The Waltz is also favoured by trolls  because
dancers only need to be able to count to three, although  the
trollish name for this dance translates as Avalanche. Best of all,
any  passing grandmother can teach you to Waltz like a pro. Sadly,
you'll also  have to dance with passing grandmothers; nothing
romantic about this  one-two-three. Beware: partners who persistently
turn Turnwise; passing  grannies with grips of steel; daring young
men on flying  trapezes.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21  Jun

Your dance is the Can-can. And you certainly can Can-can, unless  you
can't-can't. If your Can-can is more of a bag-bag, hie yourself to
the  Ankh Coordinated School of Modern Dance, where Madame Passa
Deux and her team  of willing left-foot-tamers will teach you to high
kick and shake your booty  (Hernians employed by the Royal Mint can
learn to shake their moneymakers).  If you still can't Can-can,
another good dance for persons under this Sign is  the Two-step.
However, if anyone offers to teach you the Tezuman Two-step,  run
away quickly and don't drink the water. Beware: flying  footwear,
unfashionable knickers, kicking yourself in the  eye.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun  - 22 Jul

Your dance is the Polka. This charming, rustic dance from  Borogravia
and parts of Lower Uberwald is traditionally accompanied by a  tuba
band (Betty Burkha's Xtreme Polka Panzers, for preference; book  well
in advance). The Polka requires much enthusiasm and little grace,
and  is therefore well suited to such Staffies as senior wizards,
trolls and  strapping young women of the type built to carry a beer
keg under one arm and  a full-grown pig under the other; it does,
however, require plenty of space  and an extra-sturdy floor, and
where possible, padded walls to compensate for  the effects of
large dancers with plenty of momentum and indifferent aim.  Beware:
ankle injuries; Tuba Deafness Syndrome; being crushed by a  pig.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers    23 Jul - 23 Aug

Your dance is the Limbo. How low can *you* go? The Limbo,  national
dance of the BeTrobi Islands, is perfect for Bilians as it  requires
dancers to be blind drunk and dressed in nausea-inducing  fluorescent
flower-print clothing, and - best of all - making total idiots  of
themselves on the dance floor (the "on" is usually literal). To
perform  the Limbo one must be well and truly loose-limbed, and the
best way to  achieve this is to be well and truly oiled. Igor
insurance is recommended, as  the morning after often finds Limbo
dancers discovering that yes, their  spines *can* bend in those
directions...once. Beware: slipped discs (not  Discs), unintentional
Kama Sutra  positions.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23  Sept

Your dance is the Quadrille. Originally a Zlobenian military  parade
manoeuvre, the Quadrille was performed by four pairs of  mounted
cavalrymen until an enterprising dance master saw its  ballroom
potential, dispensed with both the horses and the traditional  ending
flourish (which culminated in sword thrusts at opposing pairs)  and
made it into a showy, exuberant four-couple piece. One of the
showiest  and most intricate of dances, the Quadrille will thrill
with its skill.  Unfortunately, suitable clothing for the Quadrille
comes with a killer bill,  so it's best left to dedicated or wealthy
performers. Or Zlobenian  cavalrymen. Beware: dressmakers, debt
collectors, mounted  swordsmen.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Your dance is the Sword or Sabre Dance. Amazing! -  the Stars suggest
the most exciting of dances for this most boring of Signs.  The Sword
Dance comes originally from the northern plains of Agatea,  where
fierce Hongol tribesmen invented it as a means of determining  the
bravest warrior to become chieftain; in modern times, it's most
often  danced by inebriated male members of wedding parties and
students who will  use any excuse to avoid studying for exams. Simply
put, two "competing"  dancers bounce and kick from a squatting
position while a circle of onlookers  furiously wave swords in front
of the dancers at ankle height. Did I mention  that this all takes
place to the accompaniment of a very fast tune? Did I  mention that
the swords are unsheathed? Did you really have to run right  through
that freshly mended stone wall? Beware: being born under the  Small
Boring Group of Faint Stars and thus having to do the Sword  Dance.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22  Nov

Your dance is the Genuan Tango. For Andies, there is the fire  and
sensuality of the Genuan Tango, a dance so steamy it's been banned
in  sixteen countries and occupies an entire volume of the Nugganite
Bumper Book  of No-nos. It takes two to Tango, and two tangoing
almost always leads to  other things that, erm, take two; you'd be
amazed at what a Tango can take  two to, too...though do bear in mind
that to Tango in a tutu is too-too. The  Disc's acknowledged best
Tango teacher is the itinerant Genuan expatriate,  Django of Durango.
Be warned, though - the reason he's expatriate is the  ever-growing
posse of enraged husbands and fathers following the path of  his
classes. Tango may "take no prisoners", but it certainly makes
armed  enemies. Beware: see caveats for Rather Large  Gazunda.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov -  21 Dec

Your dance is the Sir Roger de Quirm. An energetic  multi-partner
dance much favoured at harvest festivals, the Sir Roger de  Quirm,
also known as the Sto Helit Reel, has a long and illustrious  history
- especially amongst brassica farmers. The "Roger" is a  very
physical dance that includes swinging one's partner, tossing  one's
partner over one's head, rolling one's partner in the hay (the  dance
area is traditionally bordered by hay bales), and the  "doe-see-
dough", a manoeuvre in which the left-elbow dancers attempt to  mimic
the panicked flight of a deer faced with the prospect of  becoming
venison pie. Great fun for all the family, especially the rolling  in
the hay. Beware: fiddles designed by B.S.  Johnson.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec -  20 Jan

Your dance is the Lancre Morris. The Morris is a fine old dance,  one
danced throughout all of time and space. Don't be put off by  those
bells and hankies - this is the noblest dance of all, with its  long-
established place in the turning of the seasons. Far too noble,  in
fact, for the sort of posh folk who dance the Minuet; the Morris
Dance  is the dance of blacksmiths, honest farmers and all other good
upstanding  salt-of-the-earth people (and of Nobby, but we don't talk
about that). Spare  a thought also for the Dark Morris (we don't talk
about that either). Hokian  cat-lovers might wish to investigate the
Maurice Dance, and those of Leshpic  ancestry will take to the Octo-
Cokey like a squid to water: you put your  left foot in, you put your
left foot out, you put your second left foot in,  you put your...
Beware: elves, stick-and-bucket-wielding dancers,  Nobby.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21  Jan - 18 Feb

Your dance is the Paso Doble Entendre. This lively and  amorous dance,
originally a part of the festivities surrounding the Thing  with the
Bulls, was introduced around the Disc by Nanny Ogg, who's  certainly
been "around the Disc" a good few times. Second only to the Tango  as
an inducement to population growth, the Paso Doble Entendre has  been
responsible for starting riots from Genua to Copperhead. This  dance
is also known as the Flamenco, from the Latatian flamencave  ("Hey,
you! Your pants are on fire!"); in Brindisi, it is danced to  the
accompaniment of coconuts, with a rose in the teeth. Of the  dancers,
not the coconuts. Who ever saw a coconut with teeth? Beware:  frilly
dress malfunctions, baby  showers.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser Umbrage   19  Feb - 20 Mar

Your dance is the Highland Fling. The Highland Fling is  the
traditional tribal dance of the Nac Mac Feegles. It is performed  at
weddings, funerals, Keldinations, ceilidhs and pub brawls, and  the
wearing of kilts is obligatory (although the application of woad  is
optional; swearing is also optional but encouraged). This dance  most
resembles the actions of someone who has trodden on an ants' nest
or  blundered into a beehive - i.e. grimly hyperactive with a lot of
shouting -  and takes its name from the random violent flinging of
the arms. Highland  Fling champions are easily identified by their
lack of front teeth. The  Hublandish version of the Fling involves
imbibing poisonous quantities of  mead whilst dancing, and thus is
commonly known as the Liverdance. Beware:  small, angry blue
men who don't like Sassenachs stealing their cultural  activities.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright  2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------




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WOSSNAME -- JULY 2006 -- PART 2 OF  3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7)  SONG OF THE MONTH

BRINDISIAN RHAPSODY
(as sung by Enrico Basilica and  Perdita X. Nitt)

by Weird Alice Lancrevic

Is this the real  Disc?
Is this just Sourcery?
Caught in the Shades, I've
No escape 'cept  through Cockbill Street
Ankh-Morpork clods, look up to the Gods and  see...
I'm just a poor mime, scorpion pit for me
'cause I'm pale of face,  white as snow
Gestures? - aye. Speeches? - no!
Any way the words  go
Doesn't really matter to me, to me
To me...

Carcer...just killed  a man
Put a crossbow 'gainst his head
Cocked the trigger, now he's  dead
Vimesy...got him on the run
Through Time itself, Lu-Tze will show the  way
Sybil, oooh, didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back by six p.m.  tomorrow
Carry on, carry on
It's "Where's My Cow?" that  matters.

RINCEWIND, YOUR TIME HAS COME
ALTHOUGH YOUR LIFE IS MINE, YOU  ESCAPE ME EVERY TIME.
"Goodbye, oook and 'hippo!' - I've got to go
"Gonna  run like blazes, right out of my shoes
"Wizards, ooh
"I don't wanna  die
"I sometimes wish I had a nice boring job..."

I see a little  scorpion pit-o full of mimes
Scare a mime, scare a mime, Vetinari's  fandango
Thunder barked to Lightning,
"Herding sheep's exciting,  whee!"
Clever Leonard (clever Leonard)
Clever Leonard (clever  Leonard)
Clever Leonard's brain is so
Terrific, ohhh!

I'm just a  poor mime, no tyrant loves me
"He's just a poor mime from a street-theatre  free
"Spare Lancre Blue from the Ramtops for tea!"
Easy come, easy go -  Gaspode says it's so
Patrician! No - he will not let you go (let him  go!)
Patrician! He will not let you go (let him go!)
Patrician! He will  not let you go (let me go!)
Will not let you go (let me go!)
Never let you  go (let me go!)
Ooh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no -
Oh Captain Carrot,  Captain Carrot
Captain Carrot, let me go!
I'm learning Thud
And  Detritus wants a game with me,
With me, with meee...

So you think if  you cut your own throat I will buy?
So you think you can force me to eat  Dibbler's pie?!
Ooh, Nobby, it's Named Meat for me, Nobby
Just gotta get  meat
Just gotta get meat with my beer.

Ooooohh...
Dean is really  fatter, anyone can see
Dean is really fatter
Dean is really fatter than  me.

...any way A'Tuin  goes...
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8)   DISCWORLD PLAY ADAPTATIONS

For those of a thespian bent:
A & C  Black Publishers Ltd have acquired Methuen's playlist, so
stocks  of the  seven plays adapted by Stephen Briggs that have been
published by them  ('Jingo', 'Interesting Times', 'The Fifth
Elephant', 'The Truth', 'Monstrous  Regiment', 'Night Watch' and
'Going Postal') will soon be available for sale  online from
http://www.acblack.com/

Permission requests should now be  addressed to the
Permissions Dept, A.& C. Black Ltd., 38 Soho
Square,  London W1D 3HB. Orders for copies should be sent to A.&
C.Black at the  above address or obtained through local  booksellers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9) LETTERS FROM ALL  OVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the Editor:

My favorite  character is Death. I love it when he shows up in the books. My
next  favorite might have to go to Gaspode, the talking dog.

I *lo-o-ove*  Gaspode. Second only to Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler, the venal
merchant with  the venous sausages inna bun. And rock cakes whose raisins fly
away like  clouds of flies ("It's a miracle!").

There should be a new book that  features the dog who says "bark" just to
confuse humans, the sausages inna  bun, the lethal pies and the flying
currants. Oh, and the entrepreneur who  supplies them. Possibly with an
episode happening in Djehlibehli.

--  Nisaba  Merrieweather
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

To the  Editor:

At the start of Men at Arms, Vetinari is consulting
Vimes  regarding the selection of a new Captain of the
Watch.  They consider  Colon, Nobby and Carrot in turn.
It's quite clear that Vetinari knows who  Nobby is.
However towards the end of the book, when Vetinari is
shot and  Nobby is attending to him, Vetinari does not
know who Nobby is.

--  Jehane
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

To the  Editor:

In your most recent issue, there was an inquiry as to which  Discworld
books are good for introducing others to Discworld. I have  accumulated
some experience in the area, and would like to share my  expertise. I
have found that in starting people off on Discworld, either  a
stand-alone book or the beginning of either the Witch or Watch series
is  preferable; Color of Magic is too far removed from the  modern
Discworld.  It does depend upon the literary tastes of  the
introducee, however, and while in some cases a book in the middle of  a
sequence may be preferable. The Discworld Reading Order Guide is
always  helpful in cases of dilemma, however; also, try not to spoil
people too much;  reading Discworld books out of order the first time
means you Know Stuff too  early occasionally, and you get very very
confused in some spots, especially  in the Watch books.

-- Undead  Goat
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer to  a query in last month's WOSSNAME:

George  Duffield (somewhere near  Lancre) asked us:

I finally got a friend to agree to start reading  the  Discworld
books. Which one should I start him on ? I'm tempted  to
just say  start at the first one and go in sequence . But  on
thinking back , it seems  the first couple aren't as good as
the  later Witch series , Death series and  Guard series.
Anyone have an  insight to offer ?

...and reader Tamar has replied:

As you have  noticed, the first four or five are not quite in the
same vein as the  middle-period and later books. There are some
usual recommendations: Good  Omens, Mort, Small Gods. All three
are good, and all three, oddly enough,  have male protagonists
and might be good choices for young males of various  ages. But
a better route may be to find out what your new reader's  areas
of interest are, and choose the book that connects to them.

For  instance: a film buff might enjoy Moving Pictures.
Someone who is a fan of  early rock music might prefer Soul Music.
A follower of Broadway musicals, or  certain kinds of old movies,
might prefer Maskerade. A lover of Shakespeare  could start
with Wyrd Sisters, one who likes good fairy tales but  dislikes
the oversimplified versions could begin with Witches Abroad.
One  who likes police procedurals or political intrigue might
like the Watch  books. A philosopher might appreciate Feet of
Clay.

It's all in  finding the hook that will get them to give the
book a chance. After that,  it's up to Pratchett.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

To the  Editor:

Just a very quick note to our mailing list members to let you  know
that we have more rare pieces on eBay, some of which are finishing  soon!

You can find them  at:

http://www.collectorsgifts.co.uk/rd/cg/

Amongst them, you'll  find Clarecraft pieces that are no longer available
in the shops (including  Discworld, Faerie Realm and many old ranges),
as well as Cow Parade. Many of  these are 'last ones', too.

With Collectible World closing down in May  and Clarecraft last year,
demand for some of our last few remaining pieces  is likely to be high,
so please don't hesitate!

--  Elton
http://www.collectorsgifts.co.uk/
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
End of  Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of  3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:   jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
AUGUST 2006 (Volume 9, Issue 8)
Part 1 of 5 Sections
*****************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues?
No. Just ask to be put on the mailing list.
*******************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: T.F. (`Tiff') Peasey
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn, Paul Blake, Steven D'Aprano
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: volunteer needed
Bard in Residence: Weird Alice Lancrevic
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet, Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Steven D'Aprano
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1
1) APOLOGIA: BLOW, WINDS, BLOW
2) QUOTE OF THE MONTH
3) UK WINTERSMITH SIGNING NEWS
4) NULLAS ANXIETAS: AUSCON NEWS


====Part 2
5) DISCWORLD CONVENTION NOTES
6) CRIVENS! IT'S THE FEEGLES!
7) USA WINTERSMITH SIGNING TOUR
8) LONDON CALLING


====Part 3
9)  THE PTERRY MEDIA NEWSROUND
10) MEET REPORTS
11) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS

====Part 4
12) SONG OF THE MONTH
13) YOUR MONTHLY HOROSCOPE

====Part 5
14) YOUR MONTHLY HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 1

1) BLOW, WINDS, BLOW: a note from your Managing Editor

Well, there's good news and less good news behind my stint as
temporary publisher this month. The good news is that our Fearless
Leader, Joe Schaumburger, has NOT had another heart attack. The less
good news is that he's been taken hostage by Hurricane Ernesto as it
sweeps over his city. Telephone and internet being flooded or blown
away or whatever, kinda wossname. Luckily, he managed to send me all
his bits and pieces for the August issue, so I've revved up my
Mighty Morphin Managing Editor powers and herewith present the new
issue on Joe's behalf. Any mistakes or wandering untoasted figgins
are totally my fault.

Here's hoping that Ernesto has more bark than bite and that Joe
pops up again safe and dry as quickly as possible!

-- Annie Mac

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) QUOTE OF THE MONTH

`All right,' said Susan. `I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need
...*fantasies* to make life bearable.'

REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY
TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE
RISING APE.
		 -- Hogfather

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) UK WINTERSMITH SIGNING NEWS

Terry Pratchett's signing session at the Guildhall in Winchester,
during the Wessex Festival, is now confirmed for Saturday 25th
November from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.

***

Blackwell will be hosting an event as part of Pterry's Wintersmith
Signing Tour at Logan Hall, Institute of Education, 20 Bedford Way,
London WC1H 0AL on Thursday 28 September at 7 p.m.
Tickets: �7, concessions �5

Promoted as an exclusive London event, Blackwell are advising fans
to book early to avoid disappointment.

To book tickets call 0845 456 9876 (lines are open Monday - Friday,
9.30 a.m. to 6 p.m.)
or visit Blackwell, 100 Charing Cross Road, London W2H 0JG

***

The details for the signing hosted by Waterstones Deansgate
(Manchester) on 29th September have been confirmed as follows:
Venue: The Dancehouse Theatre, 10 Oxford Road, Manchester
Tickets: �4 from Waterstone's, 91 Deansgate, Manchester
Dedicated ticket line: 0161 8391248
PLEASE NOTE: Tickets will be on sale by 1st September

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) XXXX PTERRYMANIA SMACKDOWN! AUSCON v BUGARUP U! NO HOLDS BARRED!

This bulletin is just in from the XXXXian Discworld Convention gang:

Hi All,
I'd like to remind everybody that Nullus Anxietas- The Australian
Discworld Convention is fast approaching!
The facts:
When? 9th-11th February 2007.
Where? Carlton Crest Hotel, Albert Park, Melbourne.
How? A little bit of sweat, a dash of hope, and a whole lot of money.
Why? Because.
oh and Who? TERRY PRATCHETT will be there!

Yes it's all going ahead, our programme of events is under
construction, some of which can be seen on our website
www.ausdwcon.org we are as always happy to accept new ideas for what
you would like to see when you come to the convention.

So sign up now because our prices will be rising early November.
Also membership entitles you to a copy of our newsletter - Nullus
News.
We are also still selling t-shirts and our new poster prints from
local Discworld artist Sarah Kinder.

Any more questions? Jump on our forums - that's www.ausdwcon.org -
or email me at ben@...

Looking forward to meeting everyone in February,
Ben Hughes
Programme and Marketing
Nullus Anxietas - The Australian Discworld Convention
9th-11th February 2007
www.ausdwcon.org

...and of course, that caused the usual stir in the dusty corridors
of Bugarup University, and the raising of edged weapons as some of
the students and Faculty took umbrage (possibly Lesser) at the
frightening thought of an on-topic Discworld-related post. And also,
as always, the chest region of BU's Hania Ogg was mentioned. Entire
volumes have been devoted to the subject of Hania's, erm, chest;
Pterry himself is known to turn white-faced at the mere threat of
it, although there's surely no truth to the claim that, during his
previous XXXXian signing tour, a certain Miss Pratchett eyed the
queue and scuttled in to him with the frantic moaning whisper of
"Dad, That Woman is back again!" Conversations about the Auscon
`spam' post included:

Jase, BU Head of Technomancy:
For reasons of social evolution and whatnot, this group has long
been a group for far wandering and eclectic discussion of everything
and anything by people who like the Discworld novels, rather than a
list for discussion of Discworld. (This is made quite clear on the
Yahoogroups page, and in the welcome email) It seemed to us that
everything that could be said about the old novels had been said, so
other than the occasional burst on the release of a new novel (and
the occasional smaller burst when it came out on paperback and I
read it) we are unaccustomed to hearing about Discworld. Thus
generally, if anyone wants to mention Discworld here they usually
accompany it with an On-Topic Warning, as opposed to off-topic
warnings as in most groups. It's an in-joke here.

Ben (after all had kissed and made up, so to speak:
Oh, and we do have a fairly strict rule on having no weapons at
the convention - so that rules Hania's breasts out immediately :-p

Hania Ogg:
Awwww....butt..MUUUMMMM!!!...I wannna bwing my bweasts to the
convention!! Dad said I could!! Please? I promise to behave, and
keep them in their box AAWWLLL the Time.....
In that case, can I try for a merkin? Im sure he will sign that -
especially if I put two little googly eyes onnit....

As you can see, the tales of Hania Ogg are not exaggerated, heheh.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) NOTES FROM THE DISCWORLD CONVENTION
by T.F. Peasey

At a `KaffeeKlatsch with The Mob' at the Discworld Convention,
director Vadim Jean revealed that they are in negotiations to have
the Hogfather film broadcast on USA cable, although it might not be
until some time after the UK Christmas broadcast. They also plan to
an American DVD release including special features such as director
commentary, although that will probably be after the British release
projected for March. To accompany the film, HarperCollins will be
releasing a $19.95 fully illustrated, oversized paperback screenplay,
so make your Hogswatch list now!

The trailer and clip shown at the convention's `Meet the Mob' event
received a cheering, whistling standing ovation, and Terry seemed
as enthusiastic as the fans (particularly about Michelle Dockery's
corset). The Mob previewed the scene of Nobby meeting the Hogfather,
and then handed out free souvenir plastic teeth from the set to the
audience. In his interview with Terry, Vadim Jean revealed a
mischievous sense of humour ideal for any interpreter of Pratchett
books; even better, he clearly loves Terry's writing. He needed to,
in order to persist in his mission to make the film in the face of
Terry's initial hostile scepticism (Vadim: "We'd like to make a film
of Hogfather." Terry: "WHY?!"). As Terry observed, things went so
well with the film -- the filmmakers even allowing him to edit and
alter the screenplay -- that he kept waiting for the moment when
heads would split and tentacles would emerge, as always happened
with doomed productions of his films. The metaphorical "tentacle
time" almost came when the film lost funding due to a change in
studio administration, but, as in any good Hogswatch fable, it all
had a happy ending.

An interesting bit of trivia:  the filmmakers were able to rent a
very expensive camera at a bargain price from the production of
Harry Potter because filming was stalled while waiting for snow at a
particular location (that never came)...so, as the director revealed
with great glee, Harry Potter paid for Hogfather!

The best quote about the movie came from Terry, when asked at the
Kaffee Klatch how it felt to see his book translated to such a high-
quality onscreen production: "Like sex, but not as sticky."

***

At the Discworld Convention's 'Terry's Bedtime Stories' event, Terry
read from both Wintersmith and Making Money.  While several fans
have managed to read advance copies of Wintersmith, the extract from
Making Money was new to everyone. Scenes included a hilarious account
of Vetinari's skilled manipulation of Moist Von Lipwig, and Moist's
subsequent meeting with an elderly bank trustee named Topsy Lavish
(and her mongrel lapdog, Mr Fusspot). When Topsy promises that she
doesn't bite, Terry's text notes that, if you just gave her a moment
to find her teeth and a bottle of gin...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) CRIVENS! LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS! AND THE SPECIAL SHEEP LINIMENT!

There is now a new Pratchett discussion forum specifically for fans
who are children and young adults -- 'The Feegles', to be found at:
<http://feegles.lspace.org>

This is intended to be for the use of under 18s and will be
moderated accordingly.

The forum moderators are themselves 'juniors' who have experience of
setting up and moderating a variety of web forums but they also have
adult admins to call on for assistance if necessary. As time goes on
we hope to bring more mods on board from the subscribers.

It's early days and initially the division of boards is simple:
-- Announcements - The News/Important stuff
-- Welcome Board - This is where we say hello, and this is also
where the useful information is. Be sure to check it out.
-- Bigjob's Board -Parental/Guardian questions go here
-- The Kelda's Cauldron - Discworld Discussion goes here. As does...
everything else Pratchett-related.
-- The Wee Free Cailey - It's pronounced 'Kay-lee' by the way. And
it's a party, so the random chat goes here.
[Editor's note: Actually, the proper spelling is ceilidh!]
-- The Gonnagle's Board - Creative works go here - eg fan art, fan
fiction, avatars and suchlike.

More will be added or modifications made, maybe an age split if
appropriate,  as time goes on and members decide. More details and
the draft policies can be found on the site.

Bigjobs is a dedicated board for parent/guardians to ask questions
etc. - the others are strictly for the kids!

The board moderators can be reached  at Feegles@...
The admins can be reached at Keldas@...

The name of 'Feegles' is being used by very kind permission of Terry
and remains entirely part of his Discworld creation.

regards,

Karen/hypatia, esmi, elfin, Orjan, Michael, Niall and Rachel

Karen/hypatia Karen@...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7)  WINTERSMITH USA SIGNING TOUR SCHEDULE:

Monday, October 9:
1 p.m.-3 p.m. Presentation/Reading/Q & A
Books of Wonder
18 West 18th Street, New York, NY 10014
and
6 p.m.-8 p.m. Presentation/Reading/Q & A
Linda's Storytime
447 Monroe Turnpike, Monroe, CT 06468

Wednesday, October 11th:
1 p.m.-3 p.m. Presentation/Reading/Q & A
The Bookstall
811 Elm Street, Winnetka, IL 60093
and
7 p.m.-9 p.m. Presentation/Reading/Q & A
Harry W. Schwartz Bookshop
10976 N. Port Washington Road, Mequon, WI 53092

Thursday, October 12th:
11 a.m.-1 p.m. Presentation/Reading/Q & A
Barnes & Noble
55 Old Orchard Center, Skokie, IL 60077
and
6:30 p.m. Presentation/Reading/Q & A
Anderson's Bookshop
123 West Jefferson Avenue, Naperville, IL 60540

Friday, October 13th:
11:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. "Book Lust with Nancy Pearl"
(30-minute interview for Seattle Channel Television)

7 p.m.-9:30 p.m. Presentation/Reading/Q & A
University Bookstore - Children's Department - 2nd level
4326 University Avenue, Seattle, WA

Saturday, October 14:
3 p.m.-5 p.m. Presentation/Signing/Q & A
Boulder Bookstore
1107 Pearl Street, Boulder, CO 80302

Sunday, October 15:
3 p.m.-5:30 p.m. Presentation/Signing/Q & A
Copperfield's Books
140 Kentucky Street, Petaluma, CA 94952

Tuesday, October 17:
7:30 p.m.-9 p.m. Presentation/Reading/Q & A
Politics & Prose
5015 Connecticut Avenue, NW, Washington, D.C. 20008

Wednesday, October 18:
7 p.m.-9 p.m. Presentation/Reading/Q & A
Borders
11301 Rockville Pike, Kensington, MD 20895

Thursday, October 19: homeward bound!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8)  FORTHCOMING LONDON MEET: BE THERE OR BEE AN ELDRITCH THYNG!

As a certain hatted gentleman said, anything done once is a
tradition - anything done twice is a very *old* tradition. This will
be the third London SeptemberMeet I've hosted, so goodness knows
what that makes it...

When? 23 September 2006, 18:00 onwards.

Where? De Hems (Dutch pub), 11 Macclesfield Street, London W1V 7LF.
Here is a link of the mappyness: http://tinyurl.com/zmxbw
[streetmap.co.uk]

Why? It's the third year I've hosted this meet. For DWCon/DWEvent
people it serves as a post-con meet. For university people it serves
as a last fling before going back to uni or off to work. For some of
my friends from uni it's merely an opportunity to meet some of the
people who are to blame for me being 'the odd one'. For me it's a
chance to watch all of this happen and have a drink with friends on
or about my birthday - though this is not a birthday party. Also,
"why not host it?"

How? The nearest tube stations are Leicester Square (Northern,
Piccadilly lines), Piccadilly Circus (Bakerloo, Piccadilly lines)
and Tottenham Court Road (Northern, Central lines) in order of
increasing distance. Bus routes 14, 19 and 38 may also be of use,
as they run along nearby Shaftesbury Avenue.

Contact? I shall be in London from approximately 15:00 if anyone
feels like meeting up earlier. My mobile phone will be on - anyone
who needs to know my number either knows it already or has some
other means of making themselves known to me to get my number (via
anze201[at]ex[dot]ac[dot]uk for preference, or other methods) before
the day. Note that I am practically guaranteed to be online between
22:00 and midnight (BST).
- --
The Countertony

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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

14) YOUR MONTHLY HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

YOUR HOLIDAY: Messing About in Boats

WHAT YOU GET: An unforgettable pleasure cruise around the Circle Sea
and great Rim Ocean, with stops at Hersheba, Krull, Mithos and the
BeTrobi Islands. Wind, waves, whirlpools, sea monsters and - on the
Pleasure Option cruises - an endless round of parties and colourful
alcoholic beverages with little umbrellas in them. A popular cruise
is the Circumfence Fishing Fortnight (includes tea at Tethis' place).
Owing to the vicissitudes of deep ocean currents, there's always the
additional possibility of an unscheduled stop at Bes Pelargic!

WHERE TO BOOK: Any seaport.

WHAT TO TAKE: Motion sickness draughts; flotation kits; wetsuits;
dry suits (drip dry, for preference); hangover cures; swimwear;
sunscreen; harpoons; hemp.

NOTES: There is no truth to the rumour that Lady Asterisk owns
numerous shares in Grabpot Thundergust's sunscreen factory.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

YOUR HOLIDAY: Let's Go Get Stoned

WHAT YOU GET: A visit to the quarries, dolmens, monoliths, megaliths,
microliths, standing stones, leaning stones, stone circles, scree
slopes, gravel pits and rain mines of far Llamedos. See the
mysterious Llamedosian druids debugging their macrochips! Stand in a
shower with a chamois over your head at the bullhide-tanning seminar!
Test your endurance by sitting through an entire Eisteddfod! Oh, all
right, it's a boring holiday, but you'll learn more than you ever
wanted to know about rain and rocks.

WHERE TO BOOK: Huw & Pugh, Monolith Masons, Turnwise Gate, A-M.

WHAT TO TAKE: You need rainwear. Lots and lots of rainwear. Sunscreen
is not worth packing. Ever.

NOTES: Reciting humorous verse at an Eisteddfod is considered grounds
for deportation, or possibly human sacrifice. Just so you know.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

YOUR HOLIDAY: Discovering the Last Continent

WHAT YOU GET: A whirlwind tour of fabled XXXX, the land where even
Wizzards fear to tread, women glow and men chunder, and the only non-
poisonous native animals are some of the sheep. Highlights include
a night's drinking in Didjabringabeeralong, a night's drinking in
Wigga Wagga, a night's drinking in Strongalongadonga, and a day's
drinking at the Disc-famed Bugarup University; also didgeridoo
lessons, possum herding, croc-wrestling, and sheep-shearing
competitions. Accommodation can be had at any billabong; tin sheds
are extra.

WHERE TO BOOK: Rincewind's office, Unseen University; Tim Tamm's
Terrific Tours (offices in Nothingfjord, Slakki and Ecalpon).

WHAT TO TAKE: Antivenom; sunscreen; socks and sandals; Jumbuck's
Guide to Carnivorous Spiders; ant repellent; a Morporkian-Ecksian
phrasebook; edible foods.

NOTES: Holidaymakers of a magickal bent may wish to investigate the
students' foreign exchange programme at Bugarup University.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

YOUR HOLIDAY: Climbing Mount Improbable

WHAT YOU GET: A guided climb up the north face of Cori Celesti, home
of the Gods and seat of the best long-distance views on the Disc;
includes taking tea in the laps of the Gods, assuming they find you
sufficiently amusing. Survivors can revel in an exhilarating dash
across the Hubland Steppes, pursued by iconographogenic Hubland
barbarians. This tour guarantees thrilling iconographs for the
enjoyment of your next of kin.

WHERE TO BOOK: The Street of Small Gods; any Temple of the Lady.

WHAT TO TAKE: Extreme unction; every condensed Holy Book you can lay
your hands on; good running shoes; pitons; crampons; all-weather
tents; Yeti repellent; lightning rods; sunscreen (hey, it gets bright
up there).

NOTES: Because it's there.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

YOUR HOLIDAY: See the Elephants

WHAT YOU GET: The Disc's only supra-atmospheric tour, featuring a
fly-by of Great A'Tuin and the Four Elephants, refuelling stop on
the Moon, unparallelled views of the Rimfall, and thrill-a-minute
splashdown on the return leg of your journey. This short but
unique holiday trip is literally out of this world. Plenty of peace
and quiet interspersed with moments of sheer ogodswereallgonnadie
terror; be prepared to get religion, or form one.

WHERE TO BOOK: Third dungeon on the left, upper level 3, Patrician's
Palace, Sator Square. Ask for Leonard.

WHAT TO TAKE: Oxygen; airtight helmets; a telescope; watertight bags;
fluids-other-than-water-tight bags; airsickness bags; airlesssickness
bags; thermal underwear.

NOTES: As this tour is expressly forbidden by decree of Lord
Vetinari, you should be aware that questions will be asked afterwards
- quite possibly over a scorpion pit.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

YOUR HOLIDAY: Things That Go Bonk in the Night

WHAT YOU GET: All the malevolent marvels of Uberwald, including the
Bonk sausage works, Lady Margolotta's Temperance Teahouse, Dances
with Werewolves, the IgorWorks "hands on (and frequently off)"
museum, and a free overnight stay in Dontgonearthe Castle. The
magnificently snow-capped Ramtop and Trollbone Mountains form an
unforgettable background for an unforgettable holiday, and the rare
delicacies of Uberwaldean cuisine will perfectly complement your
stay...and there's the added thrill of knowing that the dish of the
day could well be you. Daylight activities are recommended.

WHERE TO BOOK: Gimlet's Delicatessen; Biers; Goodmountain's U-Print
and Travel; the Fresh Start Club.

WHAT TO TAKE: Garlic; stakes; sensible nightclothes; silver bullets;
gloomy trousers; sausage tongs; Greebo.

NOTES: Nanny Ogg may not let you take Greebo, but as he's fathered
most of the tomcats of Lancre, surely some of his descendants will
possess the familial cattitude.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

YOUR HOLIDAY: The Genuan Article

WHAT YOU GET: A romantic river cruise to the Birthplace of Gumbo. Up
the Smarl and down the Vieux (masculine) on a vintage paddleboat,
this celebration of the Age of Steam oozes charm, not to mention its
oozing mildew, sweat and swamp moss. Cruise includes onboard
accommodation, nightly casino passes, Cripple Mr Onion lessons, high
tea daily, and 21 tips for avoiding river pirates; also included is
a voucher book for the shops and restaurants of Genua. Mrs Gogol's
jambalaya alone is worth the trip! Return booking by broomstick is
available for a slight extra fee.

WHERE TO BOOK: The Guild of Seamstresses; the Ankh-Morpork docks.

WHAT TO TAKE: Parasols; concealable mini-crossbows; marked cards
(only if you know how to use them!); hangover cures; sunscreen;
mosquito repellent; anaconda repellent; mould remover.

NOTES: Those drinks with the herbs and fruit in them are not quite
as innocent as they look; in fact, one might say they pack a punch.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

YOUR HOLIDAY: The Week of Living Dangerously

WHAT YOU GET: A full week in the infamous Shades of Ankh-Morpork - in
some ways, the most picturesque tour of all! Surely the most
colourful, especially if you favourite colour is blood red. TWoLD
features a tour of A-M's low life, including C.M.O.T. Dibbler's
lockup cellar, the Tanty, Biers, the Troll's Head, Shamlegger Street,
and a number of nameless alleys and shops of ill repute. Lodgings at
Mrs Palm's, if you don't mind lively nighttime noises. It is worth
noting that a rebate is on offer for anyone who lasts the entire week
here...and that so far no rebates have been demanded.

WHERE TO BOOK: Sidle up to any dodgy-looking street vendor in the
Morpork industrial district. Or try Dibbler's in Sator Square.

WHAT TO TAKE: Personal armour; bodyguards; blackguards; blackjacks;
money belt; edged weapons; life insurance.

NOTES: You can leave your Thieves' Guild Visitor Discount Card at
home for this one; it's not accepted in the Shades.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion

End of Part 5, says my computer -- and that's the lot!
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WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2006 -- PART 4 OF 5
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

12) SONG OF THE MONTH
by Weird Alice Lancrevic

WE DIDN'T STEAL THE FIRE
(with apologies to Billy Joel)

Turnwise Ocean, Great A'Tuin, Ridcully, month of Spune
Imp y Celyn, Coffin Henry, Stick and Bucket Dance
Corp'al Cheery Littlebottom, Lavaeolus, Margolotta
Tattooed blue MacFeegle wearing kilts instead of pants
Circle Sea, Sto Lat, Sourcery, pointy hat
Lu-Tze, the Book of Om, Necrotelicomnicon
Lords and Ladies, Night Watch, Bad Ass in the Ramtops
B.S. Johnson, Djelibeybi, Casanunda - I'm gone...

We didn't steal the fire
It was only restin' on Dunmanifestin
We didn't steal the fire
Now the gods decry us, but they can't deny us

Sgt. Colon, Copperhead, Beggars' Guild, "I aten't dead!"
Herne the Hunted, "Where *is* Muntab?", Reginald Shoe
Sam Vimes in The Times, Vetinari hates mimes
"Numbers" Riktor, "Oook!" and Lancre Blue
Broad Way, Lobsneaks, poor and proud in Cockbill Street
Jingo, Carpe Jugulum, CURRY? I COULD MURDER ONE
John Keel, Ronnie Soak, Dibbler cuts his own throat
Sto Helit, Agnes Nitt, Ronnie Rust's a right twit...

We didn't steal the fire
Io's too self-centred, so we broke and entered
We didn't steal the fire
Just a bit of cheating for some central heating

Reacher Gilt, Wee Free Men, Stibbons in the H.E.M.
Low King, Wolf attacks, strange message on the Clacks
Belafon...need a Gonne? - Leonard will design one
Swamp dragons, Harry King, Bel-Shamharoth, Captain Swing
Princess Keli, Duck Man, Blind Io, Klatchistan
Death of Rats, Igor, magic number's twice four
Gaspode, octarine, Senior Wrangler and the Dean,
Sacharissa, Rincewind, and the Band With Rocks In...

We didn't steal the fire
Flames were so good-looking we invented cooking
We didn't steal the fire
It just kind of blew in, now we're BBQ-in'

Hodgesaargh, Small Gods, Druids at Eisteddfod
Vorbis, Albert, stop for lunch in Twoshirts
Carrot Ironfoundersson, Cohen the Barbarian
Magrat, Clockson, Holy Wood...inna bun
Thieves' Guild, Mrs. Cake, cross Patrician? -- *big* mistake!
One in ten: lucky break, Captain Quirke is on the take...

We didn't steal the fire
It was only restin' on Dunmanifestin
We didn't steal the fire
No, they didn't catch us when we took their matches

Carrot and oyster pie, Quantum Weather Butterfly
Greebo, Modo, Nobby Nobbs (oh no!)
Dotsie, Sadie, Foul Ole Ron, Mrs. Palm and "Mossy" Lawn
Weatherwax headology, Unseen University
Lady Sybil, Willikins, Mr. Tulip, Mr. Pin,
Land of Fog, Wonder Dog, Wow-Wow Sauce, Nanny Ogg
Moist von Lipwig, "Where's my cow?", Done It Duncan, Here 'n' Now
Koom Valley, Mr. Shine
Whoopee, it's the final line!

We didn't steal the fire
It was always waiting for appropriating
We didn't steal the fire
We can build and burn it -- now let's go return it
We didn't steal the fire
Now the gods decry us, but they can't deny us
We didn't steal the fire...

NOTE: for those of you who might not know the original lyric, rest
assured that the verses below follow the rhythm and metre very, very
faithfully (except for the last line of the last verse, muhahaha).
If you wish to compare, go to http://tinyurl.com/m9ezc

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

13) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
     by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

HOROSCOPICAL HOLIDAYS

Hello again, my little starry-eyed skywalkers! We've reached that
time of year when people of all species yearn for the traditional
end-of-summer holiday (except for beings in XXXX, who have reached
that time of year known as Oh No, Will This Winter Never End?! and
yearn for their traditional beginning-of-Spring holiday). So once
again I have consulted the celestial charts and am proud to present
the most suitable package holidays - or "vacations", as some of our
more whimsical Morporkians call them - for holidaymakers of each
Sign, along with some useful tips and booking advice and whatnot.
Enjoy yourselves, and don't forget the sunscreen (of course, for
beings from Leshp, Dunmanifestin and the Dungeon Dimensions, the
phrase "slip, slop, slap" takes on a whole new meaning...)

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

YOUR HOLIDAY: Song of the Deserts

WHAT YOU GET: All the excitement of camel trekking across the
Klatchian Waste, with stops in Tsort, Ephebe and - temporal anomaly
permitting - Djelibeybi. Bookable extras include a side trip to the
Dehydrated Ocean, though this is strictly seasonal, and a viewing
of the fabulous Light Dams of the Great Nef. If you love sand, sun
and smelly dromedaries, this tour won't disappoint!

WHERE TO BOOK: Harga's House of Ribs; any Desserte Waystes Tours
franchise.

WHAT TO TAKE: Water; more water; extra waterbags; sunscreen; soft
cushions; burnooses; camel polish; even more water.

NOTES: Your best bet for cabaret and exotic dance is Midnight at
the Oasis. *Any* oasis. On no account should you speak to any
Klatchian Foreign Legion recruiters, unless you wish to extend your
holiday for a very, very long time...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

YOUR HOLIDAY: Dungeons and Dragons and Pubs, Oh My!

WHAT YOU GET: A fascinating tour of Ankh-Morpork's lesser known (and
perhaps rightly so) attractions, including the Sunshine Sanctuary
for Lost Dragons, the Old Lemonade Factory, the Patrician's Palace
dungeons, Bearhugger's Whisky Distillery, shopping in Sator Square,
a traditional Ankh-Morpork pub crawl ("crawl" being literal), and
Open Days at various Guilds (Seamstresses and Assassins not included)
plus accommodation at the YMPA and daily breakfast at Gimlet's Deli.

WHERE TO BOOK: C.M.O.T. Dibbler, Sator Square; Clacks bookings also
taken internationally.

WHAT TO TAKE: Seasoned travellers to the Big Wahoonie always take
nose plugs, earplugs and boot scrapers. Also, always remember - your
Thieves' Guild Visitor Discount Card: don't leave home without it!

NOTES: Avoid the Shades at all costs. There's another package
holiday for that, but it wouldn't suit you Gahooligans. Trust me on
this.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

YOUR HOLIDAY: Lancre on Fifty Pence a Day

WHAT YOU GET: This charming rustic experience includes the high and,
erm, less high points as listed in the Very Rough Guide to Lancre,
and all the scumble you can drink (bring your own very small non-
metallic cup). Tour King Verence's hydroponic gardens, watch a
shoeing demonstration at Jason Ogg's forge, abseil into Lancre Gorge;
visit Slice, Bad Ass and the Place Where the Sun Does Not Shine; plus
tea at Lancre Castle and accommodation at the Goat & Bush.

WHERE TO BOOK: the Lancrastian Consulate (two doors down Turnwise
from the Patrician's Palace); True Blue Cheese Importers.

WHAT TO TAKE: Sturdy boots; warm clothing (Lancre is in the Ramtops,
after all); goat repellent; Ironheel's Guide to Morris Dancing.

NOTES: This tour is not recommended during Nanny Ogg's bathtimes,
which are now listed by Royal decree in the Almanack.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

YOUR HOLIDAY: Death Makes a Holiday

WHAT YOU GET: *Definitely* a once in a lifetime experience, this tour
of Death's Domain will change your Discview forever. In addition to
the Beehives, Maze of Unforgetfulness and the Lawn of Eternal
Wandering and Croquet, you can visit Ysabell's apartments and marvel
at Albert's inimitable kitchen, where fried porridge is always on
offer. Accommodation is, of course, temporary. With an option on
permanent.

WHERE TO BOOK: Ask any witch or wizard, or apply at branches of the
Tigerheart Misplaced Cat Sanctuary. Of course, there are also more...
direct ways to book.

WHAT TO TAKE: Copper pennies; apples and carrots for Binky; antacid
tablets; large amounts of mood-altering substances, as a form of
mind protection; a copy of "There and Back Again" by the Abbott of
the History Monks.

NOTES: DON'T TOUCH THE LIFETIMERS.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
End of Part 4, says my computer -- continued on Part 5 of 5
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