WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10)  THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hello my little skywalkers! It's been pointed out to me that the
Agateans have a perfectly good horoscope of their own, so this
month I've included the corresponding Agatean signs for all.

Due to great advances in pig treacle reclamation technology,
resin modelling has entered a wonderful new age. No longer do
we have to make do with rough hand-carved wooden avatars
- no, there are now intricate, attractive treacle-resin action
figures of gods, monsters, celebrities and even Ordinary
People(TM) available at fairs, markets and curiosity shops,
many at a price even residents of Cockbill Street can afford!
So this month I have carefully matched likely action figures
to your Zodiac signs. All figures are fully articulated, hand
finished, and ready to provide hours of amusement. This has
nothing to do with my purchasing large blocks of treacle
futures, no, not at all...

Yours sincerely,
Anaemia Asterisk

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 March-20 April

Your Agatean sign is the Blowfish
Your action figure is:

RIDCULLY THE BROWN
Comes complete with extra-large Wizard's Staff, set of fishing flies,
UU robes, official UU tracksuit, crossbow and bottle of Wow-Wow
Sauce

The Ridcully Action Figure is capable of gentle minor spellcasting
when you wave his staff. Press the secret button in his hat and he
shouts and his face grows red! This Action Figure makes a great
desk organiser. Literally. For a small additional price, the
Deluxe Limited Edition Ridcully offers a flock of Blasteds and a
realistic B. S. Johnson brass-trimmed Archchancellor's Bath Tub.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 April-21 May

Your Agatean sign is the Reciprocating Fox
Your action figure is:

LEONARD OF QUIRM
Comes complete with many-pocketed robe, bi-directional quill pens,
sketchbooks, measuring devices, homemade explosives recipes, and
an assortment of model engines of war (to be used for peaceful
purposes only)

The Leonard of Quirm Action Figure has fully moveable eyes to
indicate expressions of deep thought, and features full wrist action
for simultaneous left- and right-handed writing. Pressing his left
shoulderblade causes your Leonard to recite abstruse formulae
whilst sketching birds and smiling absently; pressing his right
knee will make him draw weapons of mass destruction.  A truly
inspirational toy for children of all ages.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May-21 June

Your Agatean sign is the Heavenly Tourist
Your action figure is:

GYTHA OGG
Comes complete with steel-toed red boots, willow-reinforced hat,
banjo, spare knicker elastic, phial of scumble and genuine dwarf-
reconditioned broomstick

The Gytha Ogg Action Figure is ready for *any* kind of action
(and at her age, too...). Place the banjo in her hands and hear her
sing 35 verses of the Hedgehog Song! Her cleverly made fingers
can feel for dust under any surface in the home or dollhouse. The
Super Deluxe Edition Gytha includes a scale-model Greebo; sadly,
only the cat form is available. This Action Figure is not recommended
for children over the age of three or adult males under the age of 65.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 June-22 July

Your Agatean sign is the Hoarse Whisperer
Your action figure is:

DORFL THE GOLEM
Comes complete with rewritable chem, imitation clay for patching,
bill of self-purchase, Watchman's badge, and Personal Holy Days
calculator

The Dorfl Action Figure is a marvel of modern manufacturing: fine
treacle-resin modelled to perfectly resemble ancient rough-sculpted
clay! Your Dorfl is a tireless worker, even though he works by choice
and not because you order him to. Press the centre of his back and he
will spout declarations of self-interested purpose and discourse at
length on philosophy and the nature of theology and Free Will, all
in Obviously Capitalised And Portentous Words. A true marvel!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers  23 July-23 August

Your Agatean sign is the Water Feature
Your action figure is:

LADY MYRIA LEJEAN
Comes complete with featureless grey robes, a number of overly fussy
attempted haute-couture outfits, large bodyguards, and a selection of
fine chocolates (WARNING: insertion of too many chocolates will
cause your Action Figure to explode)

The Lady LeJean aka Unity Action Figure can materialise and
dematerialise at command, so be careful to keep track of it when you're
tidying up. Pressing her left, erm, hip will make her seek all manner
of human sensations and pleasures, some of them embarrassing (except
to the Gytha Ogg Action Figure). Beware: this Action Figure will learn
from experience.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 August-23 September

Your Agatean sign is One Won Ton
Your action figure is:

SUSAN STO HELIT
Comes complete with slightly bent poker, disarrangeable hairstyle,
sensible shoes, Robe of Absolute Darkness(TM), scythe, schoolteacher's
outfit and a fetching black lace semi-goth gown

The Susan Sto Helit Action Figure has a habit of apparently, well,
disappearing, and is best located by squinting until your eyes water.
Press her cute little nose and she will search under your bed for
monsters to bash. Your Susan Action Figure can recite several dozen
reasons for not believing in folk tales and superstitions. Particularly
suitable for ill-behaved children. Don't place her too close to the Lady
Myria Action Figure or she may steal some of the chocolates.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars  24 September-23 October

Your Agatean sign is the Bureaucrat
Your action figure is:

NOBBY NOBBS
Comes complete with rusty armour and helmet, greasy dog-ends,
Morris dancing bells and hankies, and certificate of species

The Nobby Nobbs Action Figure is best displayed in dark alleys,
shadowed corners and under bridges where it can have a quiet smoke.
Press the boil on the tip of his nose and he will attempt to open your
wall safe or jewellery boxes while claiming he's just checking, guv'nor.
This Action Figure can assume all known dirty street-fighting
positions and should be handled whilst wearing gloves.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 October-22 November

Your Agatean sign is the Dragon's Egg
Your action figure is:

LOBSANG LUDD
Comes complete with orange robes, lockpick set, broom, Yeti with
detachable head, and personal Procrastinator (no batteries needed)

The Lobsang Ludd Action Figure must be handled with care: if you
move it too fast, you may find the air around you turning blue and
experience difficulty with watch and clock functionality. However,
playing with this Action Figure is never a waste of Time! Press the
button on his left heel and he will steal your wallet, watch and socks.
The Deluxe Limited Edition Lobsang can recite the entire Way of
Mrs Cosmopilite.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 November-21 December

Your Agatean sign is the Vampire Ghost
Your action figure is:

TWOFLOWER
Comes complete with iconograph, spare tins of paint, imp food,
notebooks, eye-watering patterned shirts and shorts, maps and
postcards

The Twoflower Action Figure is suitable for travel and can be
placed on the dashboard of your vehicle (just below the fuzzy dice).
Press on his eyeglasses and he will say "How many rhinu for that
humorous native statuette?" in a number of dialects. The iconograph
takes real pictures, but go easy on use because its imp is very small
and impatient. The Deluxe Edition Twoflower comes with Luggage.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 December-20 January

Your Agatean sign is the Bonsai Mountain
Your action figure is:

LORD HONG
Comes complete with origami kit, selection of arcane poisons, hair
oil, Imperial Court robes, forked tongue, and reproduction ancient
Ankh-Morpork formal dress costumes

The Lord Hong action figure excels at getting other Action Figures to
do its dirty work. Press the secret button - you have to figure out where
it is yourself without getting pricked by Lord Hong's concealed poison
-coated knife - and he will recite poetry, plot the destruction of empires,
and make exquisite squishi and/or origami animals. This Action
Figure is best stored well away from any others!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 January-18 February

Your Agatean sign is the Barking Mad Dog
Your action figure is:

RINCEWIND
Comes complete with running shoes, Wizzard hat, tattered robes,
XXXXian survival kit, bag of peanuts, half-brick in a sock, and
excuses

The Rincewind Action Figure keeps best when away from any sort of
action whatsoever. Press his scraggly beard and he screams for help
in seventeen languages. Place him anywhere near knives and he runs
away at a quite impressive speed. The Deluxe Edition Rincewind
includes a reproduction Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography
office, with a window to somewhere...surprising.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose  19 February-20 March

Your Agatean sign is Beti, the Exotic Dancer
Your action figure is:

TIFFANY ACHING
Comes complete with 8" frying pan (to scale), copy of Diseases of the
Sheep, phial of Special Sheep Liniment, cheese moulds, shamble,
and invisible Hat

The Tiffany Aching Action Figure seems to have a will of its own. It
will move when your back is turned, pop up in unexpected places, and
generally disobey while at the same time being unsettlingly clever and
resourceful. Squeeze her right hand and she will make delicious
cheese; squeeze her left and she will bash the nearest monster
with her frying pan. Not recommended for inclusion in the same
collection s the Susan Action Figure, unless you want your life utterly
rearranged in sensible but surprising ways. Be warned: this Action
Figure tends to attract Nac Mac Feegle, so keep your booze cupboard
securely locked and nail down all valuables.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

... and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2004 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) (continued) NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME

Then came the Terry on Trial event, a legal farce in
which a bewigged and berobed judge accused our favorite
author of "failing to stop at a trilogy", "writing with
undue care and attention", "cruelty to animals" and
"being a rich bastard", while Esther Friesner served as
defense counsel.  Since I was waiting slightly behind
the open staging area, the acoustics were less than
ideal, but I really enjoyed what I could hear.  The
audience loved Mary Kay Kare's performance as Nanny Ogg,
complete with red boots, who accused Terry of sexually
harassing her with Casanunda and forcing her to sing the
infamous hedgehog song, which she then performed for our
amusement and edification (prompting Terry to shout,
"Hey, kids, ask your parents what the words mean!").
Groans and cries of "Guilty!" echoed through the
concourse when Terry teamed up with a costumed grim
reaper for the sole purpose of holding up a small
paintbrush and enacting "a brush with death."  By then
I was having such a good time I'd almost forgotten my
stage fright.  And then Terry spotted me.  He treated me
to what could only be described as an evil grin.

Then, much to my astonishment, he called "Susan Death"
as a defense witness.  Since I have all the improvisational
abilities of a dead parrot, I mounted the stage steps in a state
of bowel-clenching dread.  Speaking with a script was going
to be bad enough, but this . . . .!

Fortunately, I needn't have worried.  He merely gestured to me
and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, in my defense . . .
is she cute, or what?"  Have I mentioned that Terry is a
*very* nice guy?  After Death conceded that I was reasonably
cute (which was a bit creepy, him being my grandfather and all), I
was allowed to stumble offstage.  Terry finished
pleading his case by haranguing Nanny for her betrayal
("I created you, woman!").

Addressing the appreciative audience, he proudly acknowledged
giving pleasure to millions with his books.  As he looked around, he
could see Rincewind, Nanny, "Susan in stereo," and he knew he
had created a good thing.  How could he not be
vindicated?  In the grand tradition of Ankh-Morpork jurisprudence:
a kangaroo court, that's how.  Despite his eloquence,
he was pronounced guilty by both the judge and the
audience and ordered to serve a sentence of greeting
fans and signing a truly obscene number of books all
weekend long.  Although Terry groveled on his knees,
the judge remained firm.

Then, to add insult to injury, that stern magistrate declared
his punishment would commence with a special presentation
by the Klatchian Foreign Legion.  Cue the entrance of "Susan Death" and
"Private Nudger Malik."  Since the complete text of the award script was
published in last month's issue of WOSSNAME (many thanks
to Sami for her proofreading and feedback!), I won't
discuss it here.  I will merely note that, all and all,
things proceeded as planned.

Due to a regrettable comedy of errors, the scrapbook from
Denise Connell of the Seamstress' Guild didn't arrive, so
I inserted an excuse about the incompetence of the Ankh-Morpork
post office and forged ahead.  Despite its absence, the
scrapbook earned the biggest laugh of the presentation, as
Terry wailed in mock distress, "Oh no, they have
*pictures*!  The seamstresses have *pictures* of me!"

The audience laughed and applauded in most of the right
places, the scythe didn't fall apart or gouge Terry in
a sensitive spot, neither Sheila nor I made any
hideously embarrassing Freudian slips during our speech,
I didn't suffer any wardrobe malfunctions, and Sheila
did, in fact, refrain from bleeding on the cookies.
That alone would be enough for me to pronounce the
evening a success.  But then came the newly promoted
Commandant Pratchett's impromptu acceptance speech.
Wearing his Legionnaire hat, he proved his KFL cred
beyond a doubt with such lines as "Thanks for the . .
. um . . . thingy . . . you know, the . . . um . . .
you wear it on the head . . . it's on the tip of my .
. . er . . . mouth . . .  ."  Finally, grasping me by
the shoulders, he bestowed a quick kiss on both cheeks
in French military fashion (insert your own joke about
the French army here).  And in case you were wondering,
I am certainly *not* planning to brag to everyone I know
that Terry kissed me.

*Almost* everyone I know will suffice.
I had long since passed through terror and out the other
side, so I was almost calm as Sheila and I had a
post-presentation chat with Terry.  He inspected my
Death of Rats, complimented us on the work we'd invested
in our costumes, described a very slick LED-powered
scythe he'd once seen, inquired after Joe, and admired
the engraved "Commandant Pratchett" on the hat.  He was
also impressed and intimidated by the sheer quantity of
cookies in the hatbox:  several dozen peanut butter,
chocolate chip, and chocolate-dipped pecan sandies
(guaranteed 100% sand-free).  I assured him he was not
required to consume them all personally.  My husband is
a very talented pastry chef, and once he starts baking,
he tends to get a bit carried away.

After posing for a few pictures for the convention
photographers and greeting Terry's very personable
editor, Jennifer Brehl (who was as friendly and
enthusiastic as if we'd given him a Hugo Award instead
of an odd hat and a box full of sugar shock), we all
made our separate escapes.  Dumping the scythe in a
corner of my room and laboriously scraping layers of
black grunge from my palms, I returned downstairs to
spend a lovely evening in the Mended Drum discussing the
recent English Discworld Convention with Kris ("Sadie"),
Chris ("Dotsie"), and David ("Josiah Boggis").  Their
stories of the Omnian Religious Revival Meeting and the
perils of Sto Lat cuisine left me cabbage-green with
envy.  Kris encouraged me to attend the next Discworld
Convention in 2006 (unlikely, but tempting), Chris
allowed me to hold her Librarian-replica plush orangutan
purse, and David provided me with all the Thieves' Guild
mugging paperwork necessary to stroll the streets of
Ankh-Morpork with impunity.

In the background, the filking ranged from an ode to the
woes of physically-challenged pirates to a catalogue of the
romantic advantages of various members of the animal
kingdom -- with the exception, of course, of the
ever-impregnable virtue of the hedgehog.  Periodically,
an impressively spastic little boy who bore an
unsettling resemblance to a miniature Steve Irwin would
bounce around just outside the door, announcing that he
had killed a band of pirates, or had joined a band of
pirates, or both.  His loyalty was a bit confused, but
his enthusiasm was unimpeachable.  As the evening
wound down, I left to check my email at the
Internet access stations.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Terry.
I'd brought along a copy of _Soul Music_ to the concourse
to educate deprived non-Discworldians ("Are you supposed to be
dressed as Cruella De Vil or something?"), and I longed
to commemorate my brief stint as Susan by getting it
signed.  Feeling a bit guilty, I accosted him with my
request.  He not only acquiesced, but signed it to
"Susan."   He also gradually realized I was the same
KFL person who'd posed for a photo with him after the
panels (the Susan Death costume is *very* different from
my usual look).

Little did he know that this was only a hint of things to
come, since I'd lugged three other costumes to the
convention.  The poor man would never have a chance
to see me coming  . . . .

Abruptly, the pirate-hunting boy flung his way over and
shouted "You're Terry, aren't you!  My sister's a big
fan of yours!"  As Terry whispered, "Is this your
brother?" to me, I quickly disavowed any kinship to the
child and cravenly retreated.  My last view was of the
sturdy urchin hauling Terry off to meet his clan and,
I suspect, offer help in his befuddled fight against the
pirate hordes.    At least he didn't ask Terry to explain the words to the
hedgehog song . . . .

***************************************************************

Photos of the trial and award presentation, courtesy of
Barak Brudo, may be accessed at:
http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeANG7Fo4aOWzhI
Be sure to watch this space over the next two months for
further exciting installments of Anna's Amazing
Absolutely True Adventure, including:
Part the Second:  Friday/Saturday --  A Near-Sandwich
Experience
Part the Third:  Sunday/Monday --  Not the Usual Unusual

Plus a bonus review of the NESFA convention release,
ONCE MORE WITH FOOTNOTES, the first-ever compilation of
Terry's short stories and essays, which may be purchased
at:  http://www.nesfa.org/press/Books/Pratchett.html

For more information concerning the convention schedule,
names of panel participants, and all the details I
didn't have room to provide, please consult the official
Noreascon 4 website at: http://www.noreascon.org

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
2)  THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  A HAT FULL OF SKY
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
find out who is the leader of the young witch's coven.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2004 HarperCollins edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The Ondageist (first name, 4th letter)

2. Technically, the leader of the goats (last name, 3rd letter)

3. Actual leader of the goats and senior nanny (last name, 1st letter)

4. What Tiffany's name meant in the Nac Mac Feegle Old Speech
      (first name, 2nd letter)

5. Young witch who wears a lot of occult jewelry (last name, 2nd letter)

6. Author of "the Higher MagiK" (last name, 6th letter)

7. Young witch with a squint (first name, 2nd letter)

8. The tap dancing mule (first name, 6th letter)

9. Mr. Grabber's horse (first name, 3rd letter)

10. Hiver's chosen name  (first name, 1st letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Coven leader of young witches
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: MONSTROUS REGIMENT
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. The Little Mother (first name, 1st letter)
        DUTCHESS ANNAGOVIA = A
2. Wazzer Goom's real name (first name, 3rd letter)
        ALICE = I
3. Polly's drunkard cousin (first name, 1st letter)
        VLOPO = V
4. Carborundum's real name (first name, 2nd letter)
        JADE = A
5. General Froc's real name (first name, 5th letter)
        MILDRED = R
6. Tonker Halter's real name (first name, 3rd letter)
         MAGDA = G
7. Officer in command of the Ins-and-Outs (last name, 3rd letter)
         LT. BLOUSE = O
8. Sergeant of the Ins-and-Outs  (last name, 5th letter)
         JACK JACKRUM = R
9. A kitchen maid who sent many a lad on his way rejoicing
     (first name, 2nd letter) ROUNDHEELS MOLLY = O
10. Shufti Manickle's real name (first name, 1st letter)
          BETTY = B

A_/ I_/ V /A_/R_/G_/O_/R_/O_/B / =  Where it all happens
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/ 6*/ 7*/ 8*/ 9*/ 10/  =   BOROGRAVIA
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 4


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2004 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
2) DW NEWS FROM ALL OVER (courtesy of Discworld Monthly)

Sorry, couldn't round up all the news this month due to the
hurricanes down here, but our friends in the UK have filled
in for us:
                                ----------
Terry will be visiting Australia to promote 'Going Postal' and
celebrate 21 years of Discworld.  He will be giving a public lecture
at the Australian National University in Canberra on the 10th
November at 12:15PM. The location is Lecture Theatre 1, Manning
Clark Centre, ANU.
                                ----------
Stafford Players will be staging Carpe Jugulum from 10th-13th
November 2004 at The Stafford Gatehouse, Eastgate
Street, Stafford, and tickets are available from the Stafford
Gatehouse Box Office - Tel (01785) 254653.

Ticket costs are 7.50 GBP (6.00 GBP concs.) with a special "3 for
2" offer on the first night. Further info: http://www.staffordplayers.com
                                ----------
Buxton Drama League are performing Carpe Jugulum 11-13
November at 7.30 pm  at the Buxton Opera House.  Tickets are
available from the web site or on 01298 27563 and cost 7.50, 8.50
or 9.50 GBP (with concessions 1 GBP off).
http://www.buxton-opera.co.uk/more.php?id=1128
                                ----------
Colsterworth Music and Drama society are performing Wyrd Sisters on
12th and 13th November 2004 at their spacious village hall. You can
pre-order tickets by emailing mark@...
                                ----------
The Longueville Little Theatre Company is producing Wyrd Sisters at
the Jennie Lee Theatre in Bletchley, Milton Keynes from 24th to the
27th November 2004.  Tickets are available from the box office tel.
no. 01908 613145, and cost 6.50 GBP each.  Further details are
available on http://www.mkweb.co.uk/lltc
                                ----------
Arena Theatre, based in Christchurch/Bournemouth in Dorset are
about to start rehearsing for a production of Maskerade.  The dates
of the forthcoming production are Thursday 25th through until
Saturday 27th November 2004.  All shows begin at 7.30pm.
All ticket enquiries should be made to arena_theatre@...
                                ----------
Crossfyre Young Theatricals Ipswich, Queensland, Australia, are
doing their performance of Mort on 30 November - 2 December 2004.
Crossfyre is a drama group for 13-18 year-old thespians, linked to
the Ipswich Little Theatre. For more information about Crossfyre or
Mort, anyone interested may send an email to this address
suzanne@...
                                ----------
CAA will be presenting their own Terry Pratchett - authorised
adaptation of Witches Abroad between 9th and 11 December 2004.

The show takes place at the MADCAP Theatre, Wolverton, Milton
Keynes, and tickets can be booked via their box office on 01908
320179.  Ticket costs are 8.00 GBP (5.00 GBP concs.)  The curtain
goes up at 7.30pm and there is also a 2.30pm matinee show on the
Saturday. Further info:  http://www.witchesabroad.co.uk
                                ----------

The New Dawn Theatre Company, sponsored by Rowland's Music
(Swansea) will be presenting Wyrd Sisters at the Theatre Elli,
Llanelli, Wales on the 9th, 10th 11th February 2005.  Doors open at
7:30 and tickets cost 5.00 GBP.
                                ----------
The 2005 Clarecraft Event will take place on 29th - 31st July
2005 at its usual venue of Warren Farm.  The theme of the event
will be Monstrous Regiment.  Details will soon appear at
http://www.clarecraft.co.uk
                                ----------
Wadfest 2005 will take place over the weekend of the 2nd to
5th September 2005 at a new campsite.  More details can be found at
the Wadfest website http://www.wadfest.co.uk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) DUTCH THEATER NEWS

To the Editor:

We are an enthusiastic team of amateur players from Wageningen, The
Netherlands. In 2002/2003 we performed 'Mort' four times successfully
in small theatres in The Netherlands.

In the near future, we want to start rehearsing Weird Sisters! There
is only one small problem: at the moment, our group consists of only
four players! Therefore, we are looking for players (a lot!) and
people who can help us with other aspects of theatre (costumes,
scenery, technique). Since we are a Dutch group, based in Wageningen,
it is handy if you are able to travel to Wageningen regularly
(rehearsals on weekend days).

The four of us are all experienced amateur players. We will not hire
any paid experts though. In order to stage a good play, we ask
everybody to participate in the whole process (playing, designing and
making costumes, building scenery, art direction etc.).

When you are interested or have any questions, please contact Joyce
Mureau (Joyce_Mureau@...). Also, when you have good ideas for
other sites, groups etc. where this message should be posted, feel
free to do this for us or to inform us about these sites.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
4) ANKH-MORPORK POST OFFICE (WINCANTON BRANCH)
      GRAND OPENING AND HOGSWATCH FAYRE
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ankh-Morpork Post Office (Wincanton Branch).  There will be a grand
opening of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office, and Hogswatch Fayre, on
Saturday 11th and Sunday 12th December 2004.  Events include:
Traditional Sausage Supper, Pin Market, a Signing of Parts, Games &
other seasonal diversions as are allowed in the by-laws.
Details can be found at http://www.artificer.co.uk
                                ----------
Unicorn Theatre, in which Stephen Briggs performs and directs, will
be presenting the first ever production of Going Postal from 25 to
29 January at 7.30 (2.30 matinee on 29/1) at Unicorn Theatre,
Thames Street, Abingdon. Tickets are 7 GBP from sbriggs@...
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) TROLL BRIDGE: DISCWORLD FILM DOCUMENTARY

As some of you may (or may not) be aware, Snowgum Films recently
screened a documentary at the recent Discworld Convention (and
later on at the 62nd World Science Fiction Convention).  It covered their
process thus far in creating the world's first ever live-action Discworld
movie!

This documentary soon will be online for you all to view and enjoy.
For more information, and to download the files, visit:
http://www.snowgumfilms.com/trollbridge

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
6) SNOWFEST REPORT -- AUSTRALIA
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

by Drusilla D'Afanguin

At long last, and after many years of wishing and many months of
planning, Holly aka the Snow Queen, senior BU member and Firehose
Monitor of Bugarup University's cybercampus, finally made her first
visit to XXXX. She began with a short visit to Sydney, where she was met
by Jehane the BU Weather Goddess and whisked off to Newcastle. Snow had
heard endless tales of the wonderful XXXXian weather and was *not*
impressed to discover that Newcastle was cold and rainy! So she went
back to Sydney - where it immediately became cold and rainy - and then
on to Melbourne - bringing the cold change with her...Steven and I met
her at the railway station. Although we've "known" each other for years,
we'd never met in person nor exchanged photographs, so I dressed as
Granny Weatherwax, complete with hat and veil, and Steven wore a purple
and black striped safari hat and carried a penguin. Needless to say,
Snow had no trouble recognising us. While we'd been waiting on the
platform (the train being delayed by nearly two hours, which I am told
is fairly normal for interstate trains), Steven kept dropping the
penguin; one woman came up to us because she thought it was a real
penguin and was concerned for its welfare!

We brought Snow home to the Fortress, had ceremonial tea, and then
decided to forgo the usual touristy things and show her the real XXXX
instead -- so we took her shopping at Preston Market. Really. It was a
fine chance to observe multicultural Australia in all its glory, and
much fun was had. And so on.

On Saturday (the 23rd), the next day, we had the Grand Penguin
Expedition to Phillip Island. This involved ourselves, Snow, Libwolf,
Bek, Matt, Jeff, Mad Meg Mogg, and guests Sarah and the Israeli
Taiwanese Coalition (aka Guy and Ju), plus three cars and an enormous
picnic of sushi, Italian meats and cheeses, and Kentucky Fried Chicken
(see, multicultural! -- especially the KFC with wasabi). Because we were
running late by the time all these people got assembled, we had the
picnic in Bek's dining room, then off we went. Our first stop on
arriving was an Irish pub in Cowes, because it reminded me so much of
home, though with very inferior Guinness; then on to the Penguin Centre.
The Little Blue (or Fairy) penguins are a special feature of Melbourne,
in the same way as Sydney Opera House but far more attractive and
interesting. The Phillip Island colony comes ashore at sunset, gathering
in little troops known as rafts at the water's edge while they work up
the courage to cross the  beach in front of hundreds of eager
spectators. The weather was cold and blustery, especially at the
seafront, and the Penguin Centre does a brisk business in waterproof
clothing and fluffy blue blankets; we bought the latter, and a number of
excellent penguin souvenirs, before heading down to the beach.

It was cold.

Watching the penguins come ashore was a delight, but the best bit was
the 300m plank walkway back to the Centre, because by then it was dark,
the floodlights were on, and we were able to watch the penguins as they
called their chicks and returned to their burrows. What an amazing
variety of noises they make! Not just the "Hook!" cry the ones at the
zoo have, but a whole range of clicking, mewling, hooting and growling
noises that waft over the terrain and through the underbrush like an
aural Mexican Wave. Some of us got close enough to them to risk a peck,
though they seemed quite peaceful. By the time we were ready to
reluctantly leave, most of the penguins had settled down, but there were
still a few penguin parties going on in the carpark - hence the "look
under your car" signs with penguin pictures on them.

We all went back to Bek's for a late remnants-of-picnic meal and
conversation, then Libwolf came home to the Fortress to spend the night
on the couch. The cats were terrified of him, of course.

On Sunday, Snow and I joined Bek and Matt at Victoria Market in central
Melbourne, where we spent time gathering souvenirs including a
didgeridoo for Snow to take back to the Realm of Mad King George, then
had a Yum Cha lunch in Chinatown and wandered around buying things and
making each other *stop* buying things. Then I showed Snow the Melbourne
trams, and met up later with Steven for Italian ices in Lygon Street.

Monday evening was the JaseMeet at Automatic Cafe on the banks of the
Yarra. This time the participants were most of the Saturday crowd plus
Jase (well duh) and some mutual friends I'd invited along as a surprise
for Jase (he was surprised). We had a lovely meal on the terrace. At
sunset the gas flares (another Melbourne speciality) ignited on cue;
Snow was entranced with the display, and the sight and sound touched off
a conversation about Guards!Guards! because the flares look and sound
exactly as we imagine a Draco Nobilis would! Unfortunately Steven was
quite ill and had to leave early, as did some others who had an early
start to the following workday. This eventually left Meg, Jase, Snow and
myself giggling madly together over the remnants of supper.

Tuesday was the DianneMeet, in Dianne's own territory, involving Dianne
(!) (not injured for once), her daughter Tricia the Trainspotting Goth,
Steven, Libwolf, Snow and myself. We drove to Geelong where Tricia met
us at the Ford plant (we knew her by her registration plate) and led us
on to Dianne's. We had a delicious lunch, met all Dianne's famous
animals - especially her lovely, gentle mare Blaze and the mad
Rastafarian billy goat), walked all over their smallish farm accompanied
by retriever Zeeba who does a nice line in chasing rabbits, and learnt
quite a lot about native XXXXian plants. Then it was back to the house
for tea and homemade bananananana cake, and we met Dianne's husband
Bill. It was nearly teatime (not Mister) when we left, all satisfied.

Snow returns to Sydney next Saturday, so there will be more activities,
but that's all for the moment because I need some sleep!
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 4


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
October 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 10)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: Jared Hays
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Anna M. Conina
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1

1) NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME

====Part 2

1) (continued) NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME

====Part 3

2) DW NEWS FROM ALL OVER
3) DUTCH THEATER NEWS
4) ANKH-MORPORK POST OFFICE (WINCANTON BRANCH)
      GRAND OPENING AND HOGSWATCH FAYRE
5) TROLL BRIDGE: DISCWORLD FILM DOCUMENTARY
6) 6) SNOWFEST REPORT -- AUSTRALIA


====Part 4

7) THE NEW DISC HOROSCOPE

8)  THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  GOING POSTAL
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 1

And now, the long-awaited continuation of . . .

NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME
or, "Hi, my name is Anna, and I'll be your stalker this weekend."

BEING the Second of a Three-Part Convention Report on the 62nd
Worldcon's Guest of Honor.

Part the Second:  Friday/Saturday -- A Near-Sandwich Experience

I would like to begin this portion of my report with an apology for a
monstrous error -- a _Monstrous Regiment_ of an error, in fact.  Last
month I thanked Sami for her award presentation feedback and editing
suggestions.  Unfortunately, I should have thanked Sami for HIS feedback
and editing suggestions.  Major whoops.  Believe me, no aspersions on
Sami's cyber-masculinity were intended.  I'm certain Sami is a manly man
reeking of virility, sloshing with veritable bucketloads of
testosterone, and hairy in all the right places.

Now that we've cleared that up, let us return from me embarrassing
myself in WOSSNAME, to me embarrassing myself at Noreascon.

Friday morning saw Susan Death usurped by Jane Austen (now, *there*
would be a mud-wrestling match for the ages).  My lavender gown, gloves,
and fan were designed for the afternoon Regency dance, not the
relentless Hawaiian-theming of the Locus Awards, but I still settled in
among the deafening tropical-patterned shirts and grass-skirted hula
dolls like I'd stumbled into a production of _Pride and Polynesia_.
Although the Noreascon program omitted Terry from the guest list, I
figured any stalker worth her salt would be there just in case he
appeared to accept his award for _The Wee Free Men_ in person.  Plus,
after the previous day's Elf Glamour panel had devolved into the Neil
Gaiman Urban Legend Forum, I was curious to see the fabled Cool One in
person.

As it turned out, Terry did turn up, less to accept his award than to
wax indignant, tongue super-glued in cheek.   How have censors allowed
such honors to be heaped upon a book featuring a belligerent mob of
drinking, thieving, swearing fairies -- not to mention well-respected
witches?  Wouldn't anybody "have the decency to *burn* it?"  A
leather-clad Neil Gaiman also eventually slouched in, sunglasses
shielding him from any rogue sunbeams that might stray into the
completely windowless room, to accept his awards and apologize for
clashing with the tropical atmosphere (leading to a story about an
actual trip to Hawaii in which a bikini-clad girl took one look at his
jacket and disapprovingly sneered, "Like, don't you realize you're in
Hawaii?" prompting him to exclaim, "[Expletive deleted], they told me at
the airport it was Denmark!").  Afterwards, I noticed Terry and Neil
chatting companionably, no doubt replenishing their mutual collection of
embarrassing stories to tell about one another.  Theirs is a strange and
beautiful friendship.

Although I wasn't surprised that Terry didn't recognize me when I
congratulated him on his award, I was astonished that his editor
Jennifer Brehl *did*, taking the time to compliment me on my dress.  I
think I could have turned up in a full-face fright mask and she *still*
would have known it was me.  It's a gift.  Either that, or she's the one
assigned to keep an eye on the Slightly Scary Fans.

Next up were Terry's "Looking Backward:  the 20th Century" and "The
Character of Death" panels, where the tone was set when Terry and Esther
Friesner opened the first panel with the ritual dismemberment of a
leftover _Locus_ hula doll.  When Terry mentioned the excavation of an
ancient Jerusalem latrine whose noxious contents were still miraculously
intact (apropos of what, I haven't a clue), panelist John Scalzi
interjected, with perfect timing, "Holy Sh*t!"  Scalzi also had very
definite ideas about how Hello Kitty kitsch might damage our future
archaeological reputations ("The hideous cat-face is everywhere!  It
must mean something, dammit!").  After citing the influence of the
Bergman film _The Seventh Seal_ on the Discworld's Death, discussion
focused on the death of words themselves.  Describing special rooms in
the ancient world where marred religious texts would be "buried," since
they were too sacred to be discarded, Terry then asked us to indicate
who among us would be comfortable with burning books as a means of
disposal.  The conspicuous lack of upraised hands showed how the
sacredness of the written word had not yet relinquished its hold on
modern minds.  So much for sneering at primitive superstitions.

Between panels, I snapped some photos of burlap-clad members of the
Beggars' Guild being tutored in the finer points of revoltingly hacking
coughs by Terry himself.  I also managed to visit the ballroom to
execute a few Regency dances -- "execute" being the key word.  I
slaughtered those suckers.

I finally fled the dance at 5pm, with only a half hour left to scarf
down dinner, change clothes, and find a cab.  I wanted to arrive at the
Aquarium by 6pm to attend what promised to be one of the most exciting
events of the convention:  the HarperCollins private party in honor of
Terry.  Thanks to Joe, I'd actually snagged an invitation.  Clearly
amused at my enthusiasm, Jennifer Brehl had confirmed that Terry would
indeed be attending, despite being scheduled to appear back at the Retro
Hugo Awards immediately afterwards.  Being more than a bit socially
challenged, I normally avoid parties like the plague, but I had no
intention of missing this one.  With luck, I might overhear The Great
One's witty conversations with other literary luminaries, and maybe even
chat with Jennifer, whose determined friendliness was undermining all my
efforts to regard her as a Scary Big Shot.

After unpinning my hair and changing into a bright purple dress -- in
retrospect, probably not the ideal choice for inconspicuous
eavesdropping -- I headed to wait for one of the Sheraton's many
elevators.   Nervous as a cat in a microwave, I paced the floor,
consulted my watch, inspected my makeup in the hall mirror, and
freshened my lipstick about a half-dozen times, smiling sheepishly at a
distinguished-looking silver-haired gentleman who raised one
aristocratic eyebrow at my obvious agitation.  It was only the following
day, while watching the Hugo Awards, that I recognized the witness to my
twitchiness as none other than Robert Silverberg.

Still blissfully ignorant of having made a spectacle of myself in front
of one of the legendary names in science fiction, I left the bemused Mr.
Silverberg behind.  The elevator's descent seemed painfully slow,
stopping at almost every floor.  I was tapping my foot impatiently as
the doors opened to admit a dapper man in a stylish black velvet jacket
fastened with black frogging, topped with an unmistakable black Author Hat.

Against quite spectacular odds, Terry Pratchett had just entered my
elevator.

Needless to say, I had not anticipated this scenario.  Staring fixedly
at the floor and struggling not to laugh at the absurd coincidence, I
debated what to do.  He clearly hadn't noticed or recognized me, and I
was afraid of seeming pushy, or even a bit creepy ("It's me again, the
Fan of a Thousand Faces!  I know your every movement!
Muahahahahaaaa!").  Best to stick with the Unobtrusive Eavesdropping Plan.

Still, I couldn't resist a sideward glance, and in doing so I found him
looking thoughtfully at me.  "This may be a very stupid question," he
finally ventured, "but . . . are you 'Susan'?"

Oh, bugger . . . .

I pleaded guilty to both the Susan Death and the Regency personas, as
well as to being the uncostumed KFL rep who'd posed for a photo with him
on Thursday afternoon.  "I'm going to the HarperCollins party now, too,"
I babbled.  "I didn't say anything because . . . . well, I'm trying to
maintain the fine line between 'Hi, my name is Anna and I'm a really big
fan,' and 'Hi, my name is Anna and I'll be your stalker this weekend.'"

My joke did not evoke a laugh -- or even a faint smile.  Could he have
taken me seriously?  Would equally humorless security guards be directed
to detain me from the party?  Panic was just commencing its intestinal
tap-dance when, his expression completely inscrutable, he asked if I'd
like to share a cab to the Aquarium.

Weak with relief and fangirl euphoria, I nodded as we exited the
elevator and mumbled something devastatingly witty along the lines of,
"Urk . . . if it . . . um . .  won't be a bother . . . ."  At which
point he turned to me, face still funereally grave, and replied, "Of
course not, but I should warn you that I'm a very married man, so you'll
have to promise not to molest me."  Only then, while I was blushing a
more apoplectic shade of purple than my dress, did he finally unleash
the same wicked grin with which he'd summoned 'Susan' to the witness stand.

Remember in part one, when I said Terry was a very, very nice guy?
Important footnote:  he also has just as evil a sense of humor as his
books imply.

The short cab ride to the Aquarium was surreal and fun and
nerve-wracking, as my Inner Perdita amused herself by shrieking,
"Ohmigod.  You're having a conversation with Terry Pratchett.  Please
say something clever.  At least say something halfway intelligent!  No,
no, don't say THAT!"  We talked a bit about his family, he answered a
question concerning _Night Watch_, and he seemed to agree with my
suggestion that Captain Jack Sparrow would be right at home on the
Discworld, informing me that the scriptwriters for _Pirates of the
Caribbean_ were said to be fans of his books.  Best of all, when I
mentioned I'd dressed as Captain Jack last Halloween, he asked, "Ah, but
can you do the voice?" -- and then proceeded to treat me to one of the
best impressions of that pirate's rum-soaked, slurring tones I've ever
heard.  The pirate-hunting boy in the concourse Thursday night would've
given his right eyepatch to be there.

I quickly wandered away when we arrived, presuming that hovering by his
side in obsessive fan fashion until they resorted to surgically removing
me would probably not be a smooth move.  I amused myself by examining
the stacks of books by various HarperCollins sci-fi/fantasy authors, the
Aquarium's special jellyfish exhibits, and plentiful trays of seafood
hors d'oeuvres (insert your own joke about jellyfish sushi here;
everyone else did), while a jazz trio provided a mellow backbeat.
                                                              (continued on
Part 2)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 4


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
7)  THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Accident of birth." Have you ever stopped to think on what that means?
We all know how significant date of birth is, but place of birth matters
just as much, you know; the stars rule our destiny, but the map does
too.  Jograffy is important, when you think about it - after all, you
wouldn't  want to put weeks of effort into digging out the Number 3
upshaft only to  discover that it comes out on the bottom of Lake
Zlobenia! This month we're going to look at what you might have been
like if you'd been born under the same Sign, but only, say, a few
hundred miles Turnwise...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

Your alternate self: Tezuman priest

Feeling a bit low this week? It's not surprising: that shortage of
sacrificial virgins is only going to get worse until the 16th. Find
something to do with your hands, like polishing that set of
NeverDull(TM) obsidian knives your auntie gave you last Quetzovercoatl
Day. The week of the 21st is good for travel, and may bring you the
pleasant surprise of a fresh party of foreign explorers. The second week
of the month will be a creative, mentally stimulating time, with your
deductive powers at their highest; consider inventing the wheel. Beware
of parrots.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

Your alternate self: Hublands barbarian

By Clom, this will be an exciting month and no mistake! Your lucky stars
will lead you to the best demon-haunted abandoned temple of your career,
and a jewelled idol that makes the Eye of Offler look like a dodgy-grade
Ankhstone. Unusual movement of Great A'Tuin's left rear flipper will
bring your moon into alignment and guarantee some of the best
swordfights of the working year. What's more, in the second week you've
a great chance of scoring with that hot hussy Red Scharron - no more
need to pilfer sacrificial virgins from the Tezuman Empire. Protect your
voonerables with a hippo-grease poultice, and be sure to eat your horse
cheese. The 27th is a creative time; consider learning to read.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May - 21 Jun

Your alternate self: Genuan socialite

The colour purple will bring you luck this month. Not before time
either, since you've been wearing it all these years. The first two
weeks of the month are favourable for travel to large foreign cities,
and for meddling in the affairs of princes; it's also a good time to
write to your favourite nephew, and to send him a gift of some of those
nifty new poisons you've been working on. The 19th looks good for
romance, especially with dashing Watchmen. Any ball given after the 21st
will be a sure success. Take up knitting again; your high speed
needle-throwing could do with some practice. Beware of mysterious ladies
with a penchant for mirrors.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Your alternate self: Uberwald mine supervisor

Don't bother getting out of bed tomorrow morning - that promising new
seam will turn out to be nothing but pyrites. But in the middle of the
month the stars will favour you with a rich unexpected seam of silver,
just the ticket for your new customers in Bonk. Send your daughter to
the blacksmith on the 11th to get her beard trimmed. An unsettled time
on the 22nd means you'd best count your gold even more carefully than
usual. Don't forget the 29th: "Today is a good day to dig." Tell the
missus to lighten up on the catbox tailings in this month's baking.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Your alternate self: Agatean squishi chef

Danger, Will Robbing Sun! An unfortunately leaky blowfish could spell
the end of your career this month! A short and nasty end, too, so take
exceptional care when preparing that banquet platter for the Grand
Vizier's tea party. But Bilious smiles upon the Earth Dragon this month,
so play your mah-jongg right and you may well get that position in the
Emperor's kitchens. The third week of the month will be a creative time;
consider inventing peasants' rights. A mysterious stranger from the West
will fill your life with excitement. Offer him your wife, and some horse
cheese.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Your alternate self: Quirmian cheesemaker

Blessed are the cheesemakers! And there's no more star-blessed time for
laying down a new run of Brassica Blue Vein than the first week of this
month. The 10th favours curd cheese and yoghourts. Hard cheeses will be
difficult until the 22nd, and making Quirmembert is a bad idea until
much closer to Hogswatch. Sto Lat Runny is right out. However, any time
after the 15th will be good for experimenting with those new low-fat
cheeses for the Nouveau Uberwald restaurant craze. The 26th is a
creative time: consider inventing the milking machine.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

Your alternate self: Borogravian innkeeper

Great news! In a few days, a party of valiant soldiers will be stopping
by for a week's bivouac, Nuggan be praised! So stock up now on cut-price
socks and shatterproof beer steins, and put up some new opaque curtains
on the shower shed out in the stableyard. Don't bother sharpening the
complimentary razors, though. Mid-month will bring a decisive time for
local brewers, so lay in as many barrels of Duchess Heavy now before
they decide to raise prices again. There will be a short shower of
garlic and chocolates on the 13th; be kind to vultures and albatrosses.
The second week of the month is your most creative time; consider
inventing women's rights.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

Your alternate self: Ankh-Morpork street vendor

You're having a wonderful run now, what with all those pre-Hogswatch
sales, but beware - T'Phon's Toe moves into the Occluded Hangnail
position this month and can adversely affect your customer relations.
Now is the season to scrimp less and cut fewer corners, if you don't
want to spend the festive season hiding out to avoid certain, erm,
unsatisfied clients. The 14th is a good time for selling pies. The 18th
is a bad time for selling elderly sausages. Snow-globes will be a
popular item from the second week onwards (the public has a short memory
sometimes), but be very careful where you get them. Avoid crocodile
products, especially on the hoof.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

Your alternate self: Fourecksian bushranger

Life has been a bit dry and flat lately, but that will change this
month. Hoki will smile on you in the form of a long-hidden cache of beer
- follow your heart and look for kangaroo-sign and you'll be laughing.
The 21st is a good time to move your secret hide-out, because they'll be
reopening that old opal mine. A wizard may lead you to riches on the
16th. Be kind to tall, burly women in floaty exotic clothing; you never
know when you might need a pair of stilettoes. The 25th will see a rain
of sheep, which is almost as good as a rain of rain. The last week of
the month is your creative time; consider inventing truth in politics.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

Your alternate self: Brindisian opera singer

Oi! Wake up! Here's a nice plate of squid and pasta, that will help. Now
pay attention: under no circumstances should you travel abroad this
month. Beware! Especially beware of touring large urban centres. Your
stars are dangerously unsettled at the moment; if you do sing abroad,
say in Ankh-Morpork, you will surely happen upon disturbing old ladies,
murderous ghosts, and upsetting foreign foods such as pork pies and
clootie dumplings. Not only will your life be turned upside-down, but
you may become a different person altogether, with a different name, a
different language, a different family -- oh, you've fallen asleep again.
I don't know why I bother.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

Your alternate self: Llamedosian bard

The first half of this month will be good for rain, but poor for human
sacrifices; it seems the stars favour Hublands barbarians' sacrificial
virgin-rescuing powers. The 11th is the best time to begin and bless new
lutes and such (remember when you preserved the skin of Hywwllll, the
Druid who said he hated music? - well, this is a good time to make a
lyre of him). If you want your standing stones to remain standing, don't
erect any new ones until after the 23rd. Romance is in the air from the
15th, so brush up on your marriage ceremonies (the ones that *don't*
involve sacrificing virgins. That's the groom's job). On the 29th, sweep
out and exorcise that underground solstice temple, so as to be sure that
Elvish has left the building. The second half of the month will also be
good for rain.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
MISSING MONTH

Dianne Hughes wrote:
I liked my horoscope, "beware of parrots!" , but there was no mention of
the blue-tongued  lizard which bit me yesterday, you have fallen down
badly Miss Anaemia Asterisk. I picked it up in the sure belief I was
safe because there was no mention of being bitten by a blue-tongued
lizard in my stars. -- Dianne

Heeheehee! Dianne, your talent for misfortune never ceases to astonish
me :-) But don't fret, dearie.  Here it is.  All you need is a time machine
to go back to last month.  -- AA

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

Your alternate self:  Klatchian camel driver

Be of great joy! The shifting stars will harmonise with the shifting
sands this month, bringing cool oases, refreshing winds, and good
trade prices at the souk. On the 12th, pay careful attention to the
spittings and scratch-marks of your lead camel: they'll contain the
solution to all your water conservation calculations. Your dreams of a
deep double waterhole will come true halfway through the month, when
following the line of an unusual rock formation will show wadi, wadi.
Also, the 17th is a good time to burnish your burnoose. Don't sell any
camels or any daughters until the 30th. Watch out for lizards.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
8)  THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: GOING POSTAL
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Since we have reached the latest DW book, GOING POSTAL, we are
holding off publishing its puzzle until next month to eliminate complaints
of "spoilers."  (Also because we've run out of room.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2004 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
1) NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME
or, "Hi, my name is Anna, and I'll be your stalker this weekend."

(continued from Part 1)

Unobtrusive eavesdropping on Terry was no longer an option, but as more
authors arrived, I found no lack of other interests.  Feeling a bit like
a party crasher, despite my invitation (which I kept conspicuously
clutched, half-expecting a "Right, who the hell are you, then?"
challenge from security at any moment), I stationed myself in various
strategic spots to enjoy the scene.  I admired Lois McMaster Bujold's
striking necklace, more a wearable work of art than mere jewelry, and
was amused to see Neil Gaiman lounging with more boneless grace than the
luminous jellyfish behind him (Note to Terry: You're right.  The man
has a patent on cool).  At one point, Charles M. Brown found one of my
obscure corners and sat near me; within moments, I was surrounded by at
least a half-dozen best-selling authors paying homage to him and being
polite to me, albeit in a puzzled way ("Right, who the hell is she,
then?").  It looked like an issue of _Locus_ come to life.

When I saw Jennifer, she transformed the occasion into a true
kid-at-a-candy-store experience, explaining to my naïve delight that the
books on display were *free for any party guests to take,* myself
included.  Even better than my healthy armload of books were two very
spiffy Ankh-Morpork Post Office T-Shirts for Joe and me.  I don't know
about Joe, but I'm getting mine framed.

Just when I was ready to leave in search of a cab back to the Retro Hugo
Awards, Terry appeared, teasingly accusing me of lurking.  "Is it quiet
where you live?" he asked, wistfully noting that after the peace of his
country home, being at the center of a party like this eventually felt
"like being hit on the head with little hammers."  I suspect he might
have envied me my license to lurk in quiet corners.

After sharing a cab back to the Sheraton with Terry and Jennifer and a
very important big shot from HarperCollins whose name escapes me (but
who was, like Jennifer, far nicer than big shots have any right to be),
I ran for the auditorium.  It was already packed for the Retro Hugos,
but I managed to snag a pretty decent seat anyway.  I was just settling
in to await the show when Jennifer approached, inviting me to sit with
her in front.  Her excellent company made the proceedings even more
enjoyable, as we effused over Terry's writing together.   I even got to
share her excitement when Ray Bradbury won the Retro Hugo for
_Fahrenheit 451_, which she accepted on his behalf.   Unsurprisingly,
the humor highlights came when Peter Weston and Terry interviewed each
other, both reminiscing about old friendships, old fanzines, and the
conventions of their youth, when authors were "giants made of gold."  We
also learned a bit about the rights and privileges of Terry's Order of
the British Empire, although since said empire now consists of one
puffin-intensive island, it boils down to Terry's proud knowledge that
said puffins "damn well have to do what I say!"  All in all, I think his
honorary commandant-ship in the Klatchian Foreign Legion is a better
deal.  At least he gets a free hat.

Finally, I laughed as hard as anyone when Terry good-naturedly declared
that his pots of money weren't fulfilling enough, and groveled on his
knees to obtain a spare Hugo -- even a little one! --  by means of
begging and/or bribery.  Still, I found myself feeling a bit indignant
after the Retro Hugos ended and I'd turned in for the night.  Peter
Weston's joking response that all Terry had to do to win a Hugo was
"write a science fiction novel" made me resentfully remember all the
other novels that have merited Hugo nominations despite their "fantasy"
stigma.  I agree with Esther Friesner: no matter how much Terry may
modestly proclaim himself "a fraud" when compared to the old "giants
made of gold," we fans know his Hugo's overdue.

Saturday looked to be the least Terry-filled day of the convention, but
I was still determined to make the most of it.  The "Discworld:  a Kid's
View" panel was unfortunately open only to adults accompanied by
children.  My first cunning plan -- to rent a child -- seemed a bit
extreme; besides, with my luck, I'd be stuck with Thursday's
pirate-hunting boy.   Plan B --  eavesdropping in the hall -- came to an
abrupt end when they callously closed the doors.  Ah, well, I tried.

On the plus side, arriving early for the GOH speech allowed me to find a
seat in the front row.  Beside me were two English Discworld fans I'd
seen on Thursday, the man dressed as Rincewind and the woman in a blue
satin Renaissance gown.  I'd been conversing with them a full five
minutes before noticing the name on her convention badge:  Sandra
Battye.  Yes, she was *that* Sandra, the Discworld character from _Night
Watch_.  Adrian/"Rincewind" had also won the role of one of the _Going
Postal_ hackers at auction.

The beginning of Terry's speech belied his T-shirt's proud claim,
"Actually, I am a rocket wizard," as all efforts to boot his laptop
failed.  "Some six months ago I wrote a worthy and learned treatise to
deliver to you today . . . ." he sighed, then resorted to pounding on
the screen.  "Work, damn you!"   I must admit I gained a certain
schadenfreude-style thrill from the knowledge that his obscenely
expensive, state-of-the-art laptop could prove just as crappy as the
Windows 98 relic on which I'm typing this.  (Hey, I got one, too.-- Joe)

One of the most endearing qualities of Discworld books is their
determination to wrest humor from the worst of situations, and in
discussing his recent surgery, Terry applied this quality to great
effect.  Following decades of exercising, eating well, not smoking, and
not drinking to excess (much), "of course" he found he had blood
pressure high enough to require both surgery and six pills per day.
After a procedure that reached his heart via the groin ("Now, the heart
and groin are sometimes linked in other ways, but this was new"), he
awoke to find a nurse pressing on the latter area -- leading him to
wonder, "Where were you when I was 18?"

The surgeon, whose son was a Discworld fan (a fact Terry looked upon as
life insurance), admitted he had reacted badly to the dye injection,
sitting bolt upright and declaring he saw a man with sandwiches.  He
then asked the question foremost in all our minds:  what *kind* of
sandwiches figured in his "near-sandwich experience"? Although Terry
doesn't know, since the surgeon "wouldn't let me get up and check," he
reflected that the issue could be vital.  If the sandwiches were, say,
cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, he knew he was headed for
hell, whereas a Branston pickle would affirm that he had led a blameless
life.  "So that's it, brothers and sisters:  Do not go towards the
sandwiches!"

Other highlights of his speech:

-- How an unfortunate nuclear mishap (the "Fred Factor," or why the
phrase "three independent fail-safe systems" never fails to make him
laugh) led to the writing of most of _Equal Rites_ in a few days.
-- The origins of The Luggage as a role-playing game defense against the
equally innocuous-looking yet deadly Happy Little Girl.
-- How a major plot point of the next Discworld novel, _Thud_, will
involve the children's book  _Where's My Cow?_ being read by Vimes to
his son, leading to speculation about what an authentically urban,
Ankh-Morpork children's book should be ("See the beggars.  Cough, cough").
-- The Australian production of a Discworld play in Antarctica marking
the official incursion of Discworld theater into every single continent.
-- The concept of Terry's "horizontal wealth," revealed in such
indulgences as miles of bookshelves and a computer that causes a power
dip in the neighborhood, as opposed to the traditional "vertical
wealth," expressed in the purchase of a yacht (the effect of which can
be achieved by simply standing in a cold shower and tearing up your money).
-- How the "Discworld:  A Kid's View" panel had degenerated into one
long "Well, what about the turtle, then?" inquisition, forcing him to
forbid any terrapin questions for the foreseeable future.
-- Revealing that one of the perks of fame was meeting "attractive women
dressed as Susan."  No doubt the other two Susan Deaths I'd seen that
weekend joined me in an enormous grin. : )
-- Cutthroat guild competition at the Discworld Convention, culminating
in the embezzlement of guild funds by one conventioneer, and the
Machiavellian mock-assassination of Terry by a little girl and her
brother.  Seeing Ankh-Morkpork brought to life in all its rampant
corruption, he gloated, "My work here is done!"

Nonetheless, Terry's work was far from done, considering the sheer
volume of questions the audience posed concerning his favorite Discworld
books (_The Wee Free Men_ and _Night Watch_), the Discworld timeline
(the "Century of the Anchovy" is up next, in case you were lying awake
nights wondering), and his strong women characters, among innumerable
other topics.  Although his throat was raw from days of dry
air-conditioned rooms, he gamely continued to talk until the convention
management resorted to the subtle hint of turning out the house lights
and starting the scheduled _Making of Troll Bridge_ documentary.  This
was only a minor inconvenience to Terry's fans, however, as they
followed him out into the hallway to continue their interrogation there.
As I was already incredibly late for a lunch appointment with my
husband, I ran for it.

After an apologetic lunch, I returned to wait in an impressively long
autograph line, where I struck up a conversation with three other fans.
As the time crept further and further past the designated end of the
session, we began to express mutual concern that he was pushing himself
so hard again.  "I hope someone's thought to bring him dinner," one man
said.  And then . . . just imagine, if you will, four near-strangers
shouting in perfect, unrehearsed unison:  "Sandwiches!  Cucumber
sandwiches with the crusts cut off!"

After all, what is hell if not an eternal signing session?

Once I'd gotten copies of  _Once More, with Footnotes_ signed for Joe
and me, I attended the regrettably Terry-free Hugo Awards (see above
rant), ran into a jubilant Jennifer Brehl celebrating Lois McMaster
Bujold's Hugo win for best novel, and returned to the concourse to check
my email.  Then came a Thursday deja vu:  I spotted Terry walking by,
obviously fresh from some Hugo festivities, judging by the black dress
shirt and black vest sprinkled with what appeared to be tiny silver
rhinestones.  I'm not kidding.  It wasn't a Liberace level of sparkle,
just a subtle effect, but it still threw me for a loop.  First velvet,
then rhinestones -- there's a dandified side to Terry I'd never suspected.

Hastily abandoning my email to Joe (sorry!), I said hello.  Amused,
Terry noted that I "bobbed up and down" when I talked to him (probably
in a fair imitation of Tiffany's plongeon) out of sheer nervousness.
Embarrassed but undeterred, I pursued my goal, asking if I could buy him
a drink before the convention ended.

"How about now?" he asked.

So it was that I joined Terry and several attendees of the English
Discworld Convention (including Kris, Chris, David, and Sandra) just
outside the Mended Drum, where they proceeded to feed me juicy details
about the convention and some of its more infamous participants (whose
names will be withheld to protect the guilty).  I sat back happily and
listened until the group broke up in the wee hours, leaving me with only
a few hours to devote to some sorely needed sleep.  I don't think I've
ever had such surreal dreams.

Thankfully, they didn't involve sandwiches.

*****************************************************
Next month: the exciting final installment of
Anna's Amazing Absolutely True Adventure:
Part the Third:  Sunday/Monday -- Not the Usual Unusual

Many thanks to all the Noreascon bloggers who have kindly clarified my
often-illegible notes and muddled memories of panel highlights.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 4


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2004 -- PART 6 OF 6 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
7)  YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Guess what time of year it nearly is! Yes, dust down those pig and
sleigh ornaments and that glass replica of the Cheerful Fairy and
get ready to wassail like you've never wassailed before. So this
is Hogswatch, and what have you done...I wish it could be
Hogswatch every day...here it is, Happy Hogswatch everybody...ahem.

As a special pre-Hogswatch pressie, I've blackmailed the Bugarup
University Professor of Poetry, or more likely Pottery, to give us
a few appropriate verses (except where Nanny Ogg is concerned, in
which case you're likely to get, erm, inappropriate verses). As a
bonus, I've included the best celestially-matched holiday treat
for each Sign. Happy Hogswatch, and don't overdo it on the
Special Sheep Liniment. And remember, a dragon is for life, or at
least until uncontrolled combustion occurs. Bless.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Your Super Callow Fragile Mystic Hogswatch Horrorscope Is..."

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

Iced fairy cakes

"'Twas the night before Hogswatch..." - a fine, festive outing
A time for gifts, food, drink, and most of all, shouting
The Hogfather's dressed in his robe of bright red
He'd look great in your trophy-room - shoot for the head!
Remember to shout at the servants and guests
Beware party-crashers in crossbow-proof vests
Be kind to small children - it's just once a year
Next week you'll again be a figure of fear...
At least Foul Ole Ron won't be scenting your hall
For Hoggers can never be beggared at all!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

Pork products on a spit. Or onna stick

Come all ye fine Gahooligans
Drink deep of scented ales
Then go to sleep and sweetly dream
Of after-Hogswatch sales
For those of a religious bent
The pickings will be ace
For at year's-end rich folk will court
Dunmanifestin's grace
In fact, it's capital gains all 'round
Give thanks for bulging coffers
No need to cut your own throats now -
It's Hogswatch! (any offers?)

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May - 21 Jun

Chocolate. And more chocolate

You better not shout, you better not cry
You better watch out, I'm telling you why:
Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
bash all the monsters under your - I'm sorry, I'll
start that again...
She's making a list, she's checking it twice
She's gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
get that bogeyman hiding behind the - oh dear, this
isn't working very well, is it? Pardon me, there's a
cowled rat tugging at my skirt. Erm, Happy Hogswatch.
She knows when you are sleeping, she knows if you're awake
She knows if you've been bad or good because she's the
granddaughter of Death, after all, and Death sees the fall
of every sparrow and - aaah, forget it.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Roast suckling pig, assorted cakes, dessert trolley
and a selection of wines

Deck the halls with boughs of holllly
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, a pint of eels
Bow to ev'ry wizard's folly
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, *our* one has wheels
Fill to bursting ev'ry belly
Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
Winkle pie for Mr Jelly,
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the first one's free.
Deck the Libr'ry with bananas
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, cough cough, cough cough
For tonight the Watch won't ban us
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the wheels fell off
Toast we now our figgins tender
Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
Arrgh! The Bursar's on a bender!
Buggrit, buggrit, eek! - some Dried Frog tea?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Drinks (well duh)

Your Lancre scumble is a drink
Best served in tiny capfuls
Beware! It's stronger than you think
Though made from *mostly* apples
Reannuals must be drunk with care!
Here's news for all you wonderers:
They, erm, repeat (and Bilians fair
Are also known as Chunderers)
Booze should be viewed with jaundiced eyes
As dangerous to sceptics
For after all - with this star sign -
You're *bound* to feel dyspeptic!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

Pumpkins and black pudding

A lonely Fool sat in his cold, cold cell
With tears on his Face and rust on his bells
His bladder deflated, a sad, sad shell:
"I won't be home for Hogswatch."
A trio of Thieves with their empty bags
Too down to be bothered collecting swag
Complained to their victims, "It's such a drag
"We won't be home for Hogswatch."
But suddenly, blue sparkles filled the night
And all four beheld an alarming weird sight
And a voice like deep thunder said, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
COME HOME WITH *ME* FOR HOGSWATCH.

(Unsurprisingly, they declined.)

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Little cheese cubes on plain toothpicks

Step softly, step softly, on this Hogswatch Day
The party is swinging (the kitchen's *this* way...)
Come early, be low-key, and don't stay too late
You might be attacked by a pineapple, mate!
Be careful, be careful of what's there to eat
The snacks are too spicy, the punch is too sweet
In pork pies and sausages (loaded with fat!)
Food poisoning lurks - can't be having with *that*
Of bikkies, beware; sarnies? They're for ignoring
In fact, just stay home.
Ain't it fun to be boring?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

Stoo with named meat

Hogswatch is a-coming, the Dean is very fat
Please to put a figgin in his pointy hat
Hogswatch is a-coming, Lord Downey's wearing black
Please to put some poison in the old man's sack
Hogswatch is a-coming and Death is on the prowl
Please to put two coppers in his deep, dark cowl
Hogswatch is a-coming and Cohen has a sword
Please to give him rubies or you might get gored
Hogswatch is a-coming and Dibbler's in his coat
Please to buy a sausage or he'll cut his throat
Reality is wavering, all Ponder's team are wrecks
So please, please, put a figgin in the UU Hex!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

Eggnog, with herbs and things

Across the snows of Uberwald
There came an eerie wail
"I must be strong! I must hold out!
"Tonight I must not fail!"
The moonlight limned an eldritch shape
Attired in grave-dark satin
Upon the wind, a voice mused,
"I hope Nanny's kept the cat in...
"I must resist the lure tonight!
"I must stay dry! I gotta!
"I'll keep my Pledge, I will,
"Or my name isn't Margolotta!"
She clenched her fangs (oh, by the way
She doesn't waver often)
And flew back to her lonely schloss
To decorate her coffin.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

Slumpie and clootie dumplings

By Palace proclamation, there's
An amnesty on mummers
On Morris Men, folksinging folks
And even - shudder - drummers
It's goodwill time around the Disc
Be kind to friends and neighbours
(Whilst watching with one eye
For Nac Mac Feegle tossing cabers)
A word of warning, though, for mimes:
Be careful where you tarry
The man beneath the mistletoe
Might be Lord Vetinari!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

Unconsidered trifle

I'm dusting down my pointy hat
I'm sprucing up my broom
I'm polishing my bestest boots
And tidying the room
I'm ramming all my silver pins
Into my stern grey bun
Tonight I'm going partying
Tonight I *shall* have fun.
I'm baking festive little cakes
I'm practising my smile
I'm doing everything it takes
To celebrate in style
Tonight I can't be having with
My normal rigid self...
Make merry, now. It's *good* for you.
Enjoy yourselves - or else!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

Strawberry wobbler

Doctor Mossy Lawn looked out
On his Igors merry
Tossing body parts about
(It's herrydeterry)
Jason stoked the forge so bright
Helped by Nanny's daughters
For his yearly task tonight -
Shoeing Tusker's trottt-ters.
Good King Verence donned his bells
And with jingles gentle
Spread organic Hogswatch smells
(Quite experimental)
Sybil served the party fare
With her fav'rite dragon
No fine wines on offer there -
Sam is on the waaaa-gon!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
... and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
8)  THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: GOING POSTAL
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

When we reached the latest DW book, GOING POSTAL, we decided
to hold off publishing the puzzle until next month to eliminate complaints
of "spoilers."  However, here it is, next month already so we have
no more excuses. Enjoy!

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and find
out who revealed the truth about the Board of the
Grand Trunk to the world.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2004 HarperCollins edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Author of "Pins" (middle name, 4th letter)

2. The Chief Engineer of the Grand Trunk (last name, 3rd letter)

3. A pseudonym of Moist von Lipwig (last name, 5th letter)

4. Worshipful Master of the Order of the Post (first name, 1st letter)

5.  Cockatoo who says "Twelve and a half percent! (6th letter of name)

6. Minor goddess of things that stick in drawers (4th letter of name)

7. Nickname of the head of The Golem Trust (4th letter of name)

8. Mayor of Sto Lat (first name, 2nd letter)

9. Golem who spent 9,000 years under the sea (did not
     live in a pineapple) (6th letter of name)

10. An Apprentice Postman (first name, 1st letter)

11. Head of the Grand Trunk  (first name, 2nd letter)

12. Owner of a ladies' hairdressing establishment (last name, 1st letter)

13. The Post Office cat (1st letter of name)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/  = Group who defeated the
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/ 11/12/13/      Grand Trunk management

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO SEPTEMBER'S PUZZLE: A HAT FULL OF SKY
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. The Ondageist (first name, 4th letter)
     OSWALD = A
2. Technically, the leader of the goats (last name, 3rd letter)
      STINKY SAM = M
3. Actual leader of the goats and senior nanny (last name, 1st letter)
      BLACK MEG = M
4. What Tiffany's name meant in the Nac Mac Feegle Old Speech
      (first name, 2nd letter)
     LAND UNDER WAVE = A
5. Young witch who wears a lot of occult jewelry (last name, 2nd letter)
      PETULIA GRISTLE = R
6. Author of "the Higher MagiK" (last name, 6th letter)
      LETICE EARWIG = G
7. Young witch with a squint (first name, 2nd letter)
     HARRIETA BILK = A
8. The tap dancing mule (first name, 6th letter)
     CLARENCE = N
9. Mr. Grabber's horse (first name, 3rd letter)
     HENRY = N
10. Hiver's chosen name  (first name, 1st letter)
     ARTHUR = A

A_/M_/M_/A_/R_/G_/A/N_/N_/A/ = Coven leader of young witches
1*/ 2*/ 3*/ 4*/ 5*/6*/ 7*/8*/ 9*/ 10/          ANNAGRAMMA
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 6 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) THE MASTER SPEAKS...MASTERFULLY!

Terry Pratchett's Lecture at Melbourne University
11th November 2004

by Sarah McLaren, An Acolyte

He stood to one side of the lectern, the man who needs no
introduction, waiting until it was finished.  My first thought,
as he doffed the trademark black hat, was: But he's so thin,
and small, and, well...normal! He was.  Is.  Physically, at least.
Most days, if I saw him in the street, I'd pass him without a
second glance.  But then he moved into the spotlight, opened his
mouth, and started speaking.

It was a wonderful, peripatetic ramble, talking about giving talks,
about masquerades and misleading appearances [1], about writing and
reading, about *Going Postal* (fortunately for me, not much.   I
haven't read it yet!), and next year's Discworld novel, (*Thud!*,
a sequel to *Night Watch*), about meeting sci-fi fans and being a
sci-fi fan. He told us about going to his first convention at age
16 and finding Arthur C. Clarke washing his hands in the Men's:
It was like being the lowest acolyte in the Vatican City, walking
into the lavatory and meeting St. Peter.  Teenaged Terry was
amazed to find that these authors, towering idols in his mind,
were not just Authors (with a capital Auth) but normal human
beings. Then, of course, I thought, They're authors, and they're
people. I'm a person, ergo (well, not *ergo**, I wasn't anywhere
*near* that sophisticated at sixteen) [2] *I* can be an author.
He paused. There was a reason I failed Mathematics in high
school...

As he moved gratefully, it seemed  into the Question & Answer
section, he expanded on his approach to writing. When asked if he
knew what was going to happen to all characters ahead of time, he
cheerfully replied, No!  I make it up as I go along.  He
hastened to assure that, despite all that, he still knows what
he's doing. When I write my Draft Zero, I scramble into the
plot, build the whole thing up.  Then I chip away everything
unimportant. I sculpt plots.

Another question was about his approach to the bad days in writing.
On the bad days, I work harder.  I've discovered there's no such
thing as writer's block.  There's writing everything wrong and not
knowing why.  There's writing yourself into a corner. There's
wanting, not to write, but *to have written*.  On the bad days, I
actually write better, because I work harder.

One on-the-ball audience member asked why the character of William
de Worde had a mention in the first *Discworld Companion*, years
before *The Truth* was published. "Ah.  Every now and then I do
that deliberately.  This was one of those few times.  The overly
educated amongst you might have spotted another one in two of the
noble families of Ankh-Morpork: the Selachiis, whose name
translates from dog-Latin into Sharks, and the Venturiis, which
translates roughly as Jets.  This was deliberate, and one day
there'll be a Discworld *Romeo & Juliet*[3] “ which I always
thought was meant to be a comedy."  A ripple of appreciative
laughter. "Possible with Nanny Ogg."  Louder laughter and some
clapping.

Touching back on earlier references to Terry's use of
autobiography in the Discworld [4], an audience member asked if
he had used himself in any of his other characters. "Every single
one. Although I wish there were a bit more of Sam Vimes in me,
he's a much better man than I am." He also gave some gently
humorous advice on getting published,  a process he likened to
giving away homing pigeons. "First, let punctuation, spelling and
grammar into your life. Read widely *outside* the genre you're
working in. Read for interest, and that will become your research.
Listen to the noise in your brain, the random thought or idea;
write it down, play with it, don't be afraid of it being bad.
*Work* at writing all the time, make it a habit, think about what
you write, think about how other writers achieve what they do.
And be very, very patient."

As the applause died away, and the audience stood, gearing itself
for Terry's second signing of the day, I was struck by the man's
modesty and generosity. Too many authors strut and preen, hiding
behind *Literature*. Terry Pratchett does not. Terry Pratchett is
an Author, capital Auth, of the highest calibre.  And he's not
afraid of being a normal person.

[1] Like one in a dimly-lit hall in Wiltshire, where he suddenly
realised that Death was sitting in the fifth row. He was
marginally relieved to realise that it was, in fact, a fan with
too much time on his hands. The costume was *that* good.

[2] Yes, the man can actually speak in parentheses.

[3] In case anyone in Roundworld doesn't get the reference,
*Romeo and Juliet* was what the famous musical *West Side Story*
was based on. The warring gangs in W.S.S. were called the Sharks
and the Jets.

[4] William de Worde's attempt to interview a suicidal steeplejack
could be said to be one of the most striking of these instances
during Terry's period as a journalist, he actually tried to do
this.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
5) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A GOOD OLD CLASSICAL CHAUVINIST

To the Editor:

I just been watching yet another of the BBC's costume dramas that
they do so well, this one titled "Gunpowder, Treason and Plot".
It started with Mary,  Queen of Scots, and her return to Scotland.

And there it came, that famous declaration that Pterry turned into a
title and a book. Mary and her ladies are in a room, and John Knox
bursts in and declaims "God save us from the Monstrous Regiment
of women!"

I went searching and found the original treatise by Knox here:-
http://www.swrb.com/newslett/actualNLs/firblast.htm

-- Kate
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

STEVEN SEES DR. WHITEFACE

To the Editor:

Recently I got a *wonderful* drawing of Dr Whiteface from the Fool's
Guild, as drawn by Paul Kidby.

And then, two days ago, I met him in person. Minus his "face".

Kidby's drawing is of a middle-age to slightly elderly man, in white
face paint, with an enormous crude smile drawn on. Underneath the
paint, he is frowning. Not just a little frown, but his mouth looks
like an upside down U. If you try to frown, chances are your lips will
pout. In Kidby's drawing, there was no sign of pouting on this fellow:
hard, thin lips all the way, pressed together tightly.

This is a seriously miserable grump.

And somebody looking *exactly* like this, minus the actual white
paint and painted on smile, got on the train the other day.

-- Steven D'Aprano

(Ed: Woo hoo?)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

AUSTRALIAN DW CON IN 2006

To the Editor:

I paid my money to sponsor Troll Bridge and consequently
receive the newsletter. Daniel from Snowgum Films was
at the signing, and mentioned :

"Present in the line, I discovered an army of organisers for the
Australian Discworld Convention in 2006 (www.ausdwcon.org), small
children, the odd witches hat, and a large set of novelty boobs (don't ask)"

BU strikes again :)

--Jase
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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End of Part 4, says my computer -- continued on Part 5 of 6


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WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2004 -- PART 5 0F 6
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6) DISCWORLD: NOT SO MUCH A SERIES AS A WAY OF LIFE

by Clarissa MacDougall

I've been trying to remember when "Ook!" and "LEARN THE WORDS" and "I
can't be having with this" first became a part of my daily vocabulary.

I have been a Discworld reader since the mid-1980s, when my best friend
begged me not to judge The Colour Of Magic and The Light Fantastic by
their (to my eyes) ghastly off-puttingly ugly Josh Kirby covers and
take a look at the contents. I was hooked from the start, and so were
the men in my life. In fact, my then-boyfriend (later second husband),
who was severely dyslexic and had had effectively no education at all,
taught himself to read (at the age of 28!) using Discworld novels. He
was much taken with the Librarian, and in fact may well have been the
first in my social circle to start using "Ook" as a reply to random
questions...but soon we were all doing it. What I can't remember,
though, is just when Discworld quotes and Discworld references
became a regular part of my conversation. But become it did - to the
point where it takes us by surprise if another person is mystified by
same - and if they are, we immediately go into a "Read Terry Pratchett
NOW!!!" sales pitch.

My SO recently met a friend of Hania Ogg's (and there you go - of course
Ogg isn't her *real* surname, but she is so indisputably a young Gytha
that the name has stuck. Ask Pterry, he can confirm this). By way of
introduction, he asked her if she was aware that she bears a strong
resemblance to Magrat. Really. (She does, and is now getting turned on
to the Discworld series. We recommended she start with the Witches Trilogy.)

Yes, of course I know that Granny Weatherwax and Lord Vetinari are
fictional characters. But they are so well-drawn, so believable, so
*real* that I often find myself wondering what Granny would do in a
certain personal situation, or what Vetinari's reaction to some current
political brouhaha might be. We have a habit of describing people, to
each other and to acquaintances, as "a bit of an Agnes" or "a right
archetypal Dibbler". We offer drinks to guests with the warning that
they contain "herbs and such. And apples. Well, mostly apples." We use
"oh, poot!" as a substitute expletive and "widdershins...no, actually
it's turnwise" when giving directions. We have a disturbing habit of
shouting "Crivens!" and "Och! Bigjobs!" at random moments. We describe
and discuss all manner of things in terms of Discworld references, and
heartily wish that Vimes were head of the Metropolitan Police and that
Sybil would join PETA and whip some sense into their membership.

And yet...I have never understood the whole solidarity-in-fandom thing.
I've been a Trek aficionado since the earliest days, but never had the
sightest urge to dress up in brow ridges or Betazoid contact lenses and
attend a Star Trek convention. I adore Joss Whedon's oeuvre, Buffy in
particular, but wouldn't dream of ever queueing up for James Marsters'
autograph. I'v never been to a sci-fi con in my life and don't intend
to start. For that matter, the thought that I may have to, on pain of
pain (whoops, there I go again), go to the 2006 Discworld Auscon for
journalistic reasons is already bringing me out in a rash.

So why is Discworld so much a part of my life? I think it's because
Terry Pratchett has created such living, sympathetic characters, and
put so many infinitely repeatable words into their mouths, and done so
with such memorable humour, the sort that neither withers nor stales.
That's why I've got Discworld under my skin. I hope it's an incurable,
lifetime condition.

Arrggh! Hippo hippo hippo! Is *that* the time? Poot! I'd better finish
up then. Buggrit. Another pint of winkles, please...
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) AUDITIONS FOR "INTERESTING TIMES"

Unseen Theatre Company Presents
"Interesting Times" in Australia

Mighty Battles! Revolution! Death! War!
(and his sons Terror and Panic, and daughter Clancy).

The oldest and most inscrutable empire on the Discworld is
in turmoil, brought about by the revolutionary treatise
What I Did On My Holidays. Workers are uniting, with
nothing to lose but their water buffaloes. Warlords are
struggling for power. War (and Clancy) are spreading through
the ancient cities.

And all that stands in the way of terrible doom for everyone
is Rincewind the Wizard, who can't even spell the word 'wizard' ...
Cohen the barbarian hero, five foot tall in his surgical sandals,
who has had a lifetime's experience of not dying ...

...and a very special butterfly.

AUDITIONS


WHERE:                      Bakehouse Theatre, 255 Angas St., Adelaide

WHEN:                         Sunday 5th December at 3 pm

CAST
REQUIRED:    The usual hordes of about 30 people of both
                       genders who are 18 yrs or over

DIRECTOR:   Pamela Munt

PERFORMANCE
DATES:              March 17 to April 2  Wed. to Sat. at 8pm


MORE INFORMATION:

From the Director Pamela Munt on pamela@... or
0401676071 (email is preferable and will be attended to much
more quickly than a phone call.)

OR

Robert Andrews - Assistant Director on robert@...
or 0412060989
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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End of Part 5, says my computer -- continued on Part 6 of 6


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WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2004 -- PART 3 OF 6 (continued)
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====Part 3
WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2004 -- PART 3 OF 6
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME
or, "Hi, my name is Anna, and I'll be your stalker this weekend."
(continued from Part 1)

Part the Third:  Sunday/Monday -- Not the Usual Unusual (continued)

Noreascon 4 was over.

*Almost.*

Later that evening, unable to wind down from the excitement, I dropped
in on the Dead Dog Party to prolong the convention just a little bit
more.  While I grazed the chips and chatted, I did a double-take upon
spotting a familiar figure at one end of the room.  Incredibly, instead
of being in a coma, Terry had emerged to attend the party and relax with
friends.

Quietly, I veered off to a different corner.  Even stalkers have their
limits.  He deserved a little peace.

At least until the *next* convention. ;-)

*****************************************************

For photos of masquerade participants and a few costumed audience
members (including me on page 16!):
http://www.photoreflect.com/scripts/prsm.dll?EventFrame?event=08FQ000506

For more convention details:
http://www.noreascon.org

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) MENDED DRUM REPORT

by Barak Brudo

My name's Barak and I'm from Israel. I first started reading Pratchett
at the age of 13 when the first two books - 'The Color of Magic' and
'The Light Fantastic'- came out in Hebrew. I've been reading him
voraciously ever since. I think I've read almost all the Discworld books
that came out thanks to two of my friends who are true addicts - they
order the book online as soon as it comes out. I just wait a bit more
and borrow it. Since I'm a student of art and education and currently
unemployed I usually can't afford to buy new books so I'm constantly on
the look out for second hand.

Anyway, back to WorldCon. In case you're wondering, I'm that Barak that
Anna invited to write about the Mended Drum. Why? Because I helped build
it.

Well, it all started for me last year at TorCon - the 61st World Science
Fiction Convention. Also my first big con - that is, a con outside of
Israel.  I had a blast even though I didn't know almost anyone. See, I
have a problem with names, so even though I read a lot I can almost
never remember the author. Pratchett is one of the names I do remember,
so I tried visiting as many of his panels as I could. I found a
wonderful man, charming, warm and inviting. His voice as he read from
his then new book 'Monstrous Regiment' shall stay with me forever (when
I read his books now I can actually hear him read them). He discussed a
lot of interesting things including the newly invented art (by him) of
the Unsaid Pun [follow the yellow sick toad] and gained the respect of
all of Fandom by saying that if you have enough shelf space then he
doesn't want to know you. I enjoyed it so much I decided I'm hooked and
since this great man is THE guest of honor at Noreascon I simply HAVE to
attend. But wanting and being able to are a bit different (poor student
remember), so I got a job with the Jewish Agency that paid for my flight
and mailed the con buzz line till I found people willing to house me
from camp end (worked in summer camp) till Con start.

I arrived in Boston three weeks before the con and stayed with Lisa and
Robert - wonderful people. They accepted me into their home, fed me and
took care of me for three weeks. Lisa is part of NASFA, which is the
organization running the Con, so naturally for the weeks before the con
she was busy and decided that as a thank you I'll help. I like helping.
Makes me feel all nice and fuzzy. So I was helping out at the NASFA club
house when people mentioned that there was going to be a section of the
concourse designed like the Mended Drum and there were still a few last
touches to complete. The first one was to paint four shutters for the
Drum. Lora, Lisa and I took it upon us to make shutters. Since I'm an
art student and not a stranger to a brush, I had a very good idea of
what we wanted to achieve. My mental image was so good I soon convinced
both my associates that the shutters would not be complete without
smeared dirt, splattered blood, some bloody hand prints (and claws) and
some added unrecognizable stains (Orcs' blood? Dried food? Dead rats?).
After we finished that, my creative juices were flowing and I thought
that the Drum definitely needed some weapons embedded in the walls,
shutters, doors and every other place we could find. So we set out
making weapons from foam core - I cut the blades (I like blades) and
Lisa and Lora covered them in tinfoil.  Later we smeared some blood on
the blades as well.

Well, since I started, I decided why not do more stuff? This was too
much fun! So I made a Batleh and the NASFA shield, and then I made a
small present from Twoflower - a small sign written in Agatean (my
personal version) that also included my monogram. Along the way I met
Gene, who was the official person in charge of designing the Drum, and
saw some of the stuff she made. She is incredible - the Mended Drum
sign, the pictures, the cups, the lamps, even a billboard designed Drum
style - including, for example, Casanunda's calling card and lots of
other exotic and completely accurate postings. I was thrilled to see all
of it and I had a feeling this was going to be a Drum to remember.

Among our other projects we had to create the doors for the Drum. The
basic design was simple - brown with pretend squares, but naturally we
had to add those little touches that'd tell the world these are no
ordinary doors. First Lisa came up with dirtying the bottom since people
kicked it on their way in. We also wanted to add cast iron rings to the
doors as well as iron hinges. The rings were achieved with foam core
rolled in tape and painted black, and the hinges were foam core painted
brown that was mixed with sand to create the rust effect, and we stuck
some black tacks into it to simulate the actual hinges. Then I said we
had to add some graffiti to these doors, and so came: Oooook!, Kill
wizards!, Kill bill! Kill all!, 1 + 1 + 1= many, It's all Deb's fault
(the Con president), as well as some scratches and claw marks. As a
finishing touch I punched the foam in places to give the 'wood' that
aged, beaten look. We had ourselves a set of doors and they looked great.

I thought we were done since there was no more work planned on the Drum,
but I overheard someone saying that the walls were going to be a bit
empty above the plastic brick line. So I had a thought: why don't we
make some big sheets of bricks, and we could use those as wholes or
segments in building our bar. Seeing no reason not to, we started doing
just that, using a special rock-colored gray spray paint as a base and a
red brick pattern spray painted over that. The fake bricks looked great.

Well, at this point, we had lots of stuff and all we needed was the
actual place to start building the Drum. So about a day after the
preparation for the Con started (on Wednesday I think), Gene, Jane, me
and some other people like Lora started putting it all together. The
actual framework was done by the union people but after they were done
we had the place all to ourselves (except for the lighting and tech
people) and we used lots and lots of foam core and paint to create the
right kind of atmosphere. A troop of local boy scouts that built a
haunted house and no longer needed it donated 8 big pieces of wood, and
on them were painted bricks for their haunted house. Two of them even
had doors. We used the bricks we made with the ones we got from them in
combination with some plastic bricks and that along with some fake wood
beams made of painted foam core gave us the exterior and most of the
interior.

Writing this, I realize that it's very hard to describe it all with
words, so I'm going to stop now (I probably talked too much anyway) and
get you some pictures. I uploaded some of my photos to:
http://photobucket.com/albums/v496/dragon_yar/. I hope you know how to
access them.  Notice the pictures saying Mended drum - those are
probably the ones you'll be most interested in.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention: I actually met TERRY PRATCHETT!!!.
He came into the Drum while we were putting in the finishing touches. I
was busy up a ladder at the time, but they called me down. At first I
said I was too busy. I was invited to look down. I almost fell off as I
rushed down the ladder. I shook his hand (!) and he told us all what a
great job we were doing. According to him, the only way to make it
better would be by abolishing some pesky rules like fire hazards and
health care and actually getting the typical clientele of the Drum (that
are obviously all jail-worthy). He agreed to pose for a picture with all
of us and me (YEEEEK!) and said that if we want anything signed for us,
all we had to do was approach him during the con. I took him up on his
word. Twice. I also showed him the scratches on the door and invited him
to add something and he wrote: Rincewind does the nasty.

And with this thought I send you all to do just that with the character
of your own choosing.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) NEWS FROM TERRY'S AGENT

Terry has just finished his New Zealand and Australian tour, and has
returned home where he is presently recovering from jetlag, in time for
a 21st anniversary lunch to the day - as far as I can work out - of the
official publication of the Colin Smythe Ltd edition of THE COLOUR OF
MAGIC on 24 November 1983 (copies were on sale before this date --
as they were in the US -- but that was the day the reviewers were given).

The manuscript of the third Science of Discworld book,
DARWIN'S WATCH, is about to be handed over to Ebury Press,
forr publication next June.

Next July HarperCollins will be publishing hardback editions
(trade and library editions) of ONLY YOU CAN SAVE MANKIND,
the first time this book will have been published in the States --
apart from a SF Bookclub edition containing all three Johnny
Maxwell titles, published in 1999.

Germany: Following the acquisition of Heyne by Random House,
and opposition from the book trade, Random House was required to
divest itself of the Heyne Fantasy list which was acquired by Piper
Verlag (part of the Bonnier group), who have had an extremely
complicated time sorting out the contractual situations for many
of the titles. As a result of the transfer, all the Heyne Pratchett titles,
including the SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD volumes, will now be
republished under the Piper imprint - the first, Die Gelehrten der
Scheibenwelt (with its Josh Kirby cover), has already been published.

Italy: Salani/TEA are buying FEET OF CLAY, and
Kappa Edizioni are taking GUARDS! GUARDS! THE BIG COMIC.

Poland: Proszynski will be issuing the (REFORMED) VAMPYRE DIARY
for 2005, and are contracting to take JINGO, HOGFATHER and THE LAST CONTINENT

Finland: Karisto are taking a licence on TRUCKERS, and
having published THE AMAZING MAURICE in hardcover
are going to publish it in paperback, but publication dates are
as still pending.

Psychogios will be publishing the Greek editions of Terry's
books in future, starting with WYRD SISTERS and
THE AMAZING MAURICE.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 6


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER  2004 -- PART 2 OF 6
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====Part 2

1) NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME
or, "Hi, my name is Anna, and I'll be your stalker this weekend."
(continued from Part 1)

Part the Third:  Sunday/Monday -- Not the Usual Unusual (continued)

After a nap, dinner, and prolonged prep time, I emerged from my room to
attend the masquerade in costume number three:  Sarah's iridescent
ballgown from the movie _Labyrinth_, complete with a wig, woven wire
hair ornaments, a blue worm purse, and a skirt and sleeves the size of
greater Cleveland.  Although I had no plans to compete, I wanted to join
in the spirit of the thing, and happily posed for pictures all the way
to the event.  Before it began, I swanned over like an enormous organza
barge to say hello to the long-suffering Jennifer Brehl, meeting Esther
Friesner and Peter Weston in the bargain.  All of them studiously
avoided the phrase "giant meringue" in their compliments, thus
confirming my fondness for Jennifer, reinforcing my regret at missing
Esther Friesner's upcoming panel, and even making me forgive Peter
Weston for the whole "just write a science fiction novel and you'll get
a Hugo" faux pas.  This Happy Ego Moment notwithstanding, I had cause to
regret my fashion sense (or lack thereof) in an auditorium stuffed
wall-to-wall with people.  I should have draped a yellow "wide load"
tape over my pannier-clad hips to warn the poor bugger sitting next to
me that he'd endure a lapful of my skirt all night.

Thanks to the $500 prize and special trophies offered by HarperCollins
(supplemented by an additional $100 from Terry), it was a night of
turtles all the way, including The Death of Rats; the Grim Sweeper
(a.k.a. the "Death of Dustbunnies"); Tiffany Aching; "The Turtle Moves";
a Discworld Iron Chef competition; and Susan Death (who had the temerity
to be both younger *and* better-looking than me.  I was not amused).
Although a love of Discworld distinguished them all, Terry and Jennifer
favored three entries with a winning combination of clever costumes,
theatrical flair, and distinctly warped imaginations.

Third place went to "Inside the Mind", spotlighting a Terry look-alike
typing on his laptop to the accompaniment of a Discworld voiceover,
while some poor unfortunate squashed inside an A'Tuin turtle costume
lurched across the stage behind him.  I will never forget the Discworld
Doublemint Twins effect of the genuine Terry posing for photos beside
the Terry-clone -- particularly after the too-tall pretender made an
elaborate show of crouching down to Terry's height.

"A Pale Rider" gained second place as a glowing-eyed Death on a
motorcycle pursued Rincewind and an amazingly animated remote-controlled
Luggage, which viciously snapped its lid while seeming to scurry on
dozens of wiggling little legs.  During the award presentation,
Rincewind prompted the Luggage to "clap" with its lid and offer Terry a
gift, which he accepted from its gaping maw with understandable
reluctance.  Thankfully, all fingers emerged intact.

The funniest of all, "Not the Usual Unusual," took a well-deserved first
prize with its portrayal of the conquest of the Discworld by the
unstoppable sex appeal of Tom Jones -- a threat far worse than any
Dungeon Dimensions.  Believe me, you just haven't lived until you've
seen Lord Vetinari, Nanny Ogg, Granny Weatherwax, Rincewind, a City
Watchman, Herrena the Henna-Haired Harridan, and Cohen the Barbarian all
succumbing to the singer's lascivious spell.  By donating its winnings
to RIF, perhaps this generous group will be responsible for the
seduction of a few new readers by the equally unstoppable (if less
sequined and hairy-chested) appeal of the Discworld.

Being a hard-core costuming freak, I enjoyed even the non-Discworld
entries -- at least, the first few hours' worth; then the enjoyment
waned in inverse proportion to various bits of my body falling asleep.
Most of the audience deserted long before the bitter end, particularly
during the two protracted rounds of judging (both Discworld and regular,
which took rather longer to decide than the 2000 USA presidential
election).  While I was stretching in the aisle during this dead-air
time, attempting to recover feeling in my butt, who should emerge from
backstage to sit a few rows directly ahead of me but . . . yes, you
guessed it.  An entire half-empty auditorium to choose from, and Terry
*still* managed to get stuck near me.

Given the weight of his judging duties, the lateness of the hour, and
the cringe-worthy Lunch of Doom, I decided discretion was the better
part of stalking.  This forbearance came to naught when my gargantuan
glow-in-the-dark gown attracted his attention.  As his eyes widened, I
offered up a sheepish little finger-wave, then quickly turned away and
busied myself with my purse, my program, and any elaborate front of
activity I could devise to make it clear that I did not intend to
descend upon him in a scary shower of glitter.

So involved was I in this silly subterfuge that a sudden tap on my
shoulder actually made me jump and yelp, probably startling Terry as
badly as he'd startled me.  Somehow, he'd managed to sneak up behind me
without a single warning sound.  "That *is* you, isn't it?" he accused,
peering closely at my face as if seeking to I.D. me in a lineup.  Then,
despite his obvious exhaustion and the fact that I'd just shrieked like
a loony banshee, he proceeded to compliment me on my costume, suggesting
that I should have competed in the masquerade.  Soon, I found myself
cheerfully babbling away about sewing the dress from scratch.  I'm sure
he couldn't have cared less, but his face did not betray the slightest
hint of this.  I mentally upgraded him from "nice guy" to "martyr."

At long last, the event wrapped up around 1:30 am, fully five(!) hours
after it began, leaving Terry to sleepwalk offstage in search of a
bathroom, beer, and bed.  After talking to the winning Discworld
entrants and posing for a surreal picture with The Luggage, I finally
left -- only to be waylaid in the halls for photo requests by at least
twenty different people.  By the time I collapsed in my room, I had
gained a whole new respect for Terry's ability to remain unfailingly
polite and gracious under similar circumstances.

I woke reluctantly on Monday morning to wear the final costume of the
convention:  War, the Red Biker of the Apocalypse, from _Good Omens_.  I
had wanted at least one book-based costume that would not require a wig
to hide my auburn hair, and for reasons of public decency Liessa
Wyrmbidder was right out.  Unfortunately, I'd discovered only after
purchasing the costume components that Neil Gaiman is more closely
associated with the Bikers than Terry.  Not to mention that the pants
were at least two sizes too small.  Or that I'd be roughed up by Hells
Angels if I ever dared to wear the rhinestoned jacket in an everyday
environment.

Squeezing into the faux-leather clothing, faux-snakeskin boots, and
helmet, I slowly creaked my way to the first signing while attempting
not to breathe.  In a turnabout of Sunday's lunch, I finally rendered
Terry speechless.  "Another costume," he managed, shaking his head.  As
I admitted that I felt more confident in costumes than in normal
clothing, he predicted I'd empathize with the _Going Postal_
protagonist, who was most at ease while playing a part.  I'm hoping the
comparison between Moist and me was not meant to extend too far beyond
that salient feature.

Mincing across the convention center to avoid splitting a seam, I joined
the second signing line with the last two books.  A very tired-looking
Terry looked up and blinked uncertainly.  "Good God, it's you again," he
whispered in weary wonderment.  Since he didn't follow up with an
expletive or a call for security, I figured I was still okay.

I endeavored to be comforting.  "Look on the bright side.  After today
you won't see me again for a very, very long time, if ever."

"I'm really rather sad about that," he replied, tone drier than a KFL
cocktail (sand, with a chaser of arrows, in case you were wondering).

"No wonder you write so well -- you're an excellent liar," I teased in
return.

With both Terry and Neil Gaiman scheduled for the final panel, I arrived
early to beat the crowd.  I'd wondered why the convention hadn't placed
them on more panels together to take advantage of their camaraderie.
Immediately, I read the reason all around me, written in a sea of people
swarming through the halls.  Even scheduled on a Monday, when many
conventioneers had already left, Terry plus Neil equaled a logistical
nightmare.  This wasn't a crowd; it was a mob.  I've driven through
towns in Arizona with a smaller population.  I felt lucky to grab even a
third-row seat as I watched people kneeling on the floor, leaning on the
walls, huddling in the hallway, and blithely flouting the fire code.
I'd never seen Neil Gaiman fans en masse before, and gradually perceived
that a healthy chunk of them seemed very young, very female, and very,
very devoted.

It appeared as though the answer to the panel's title, "How Do You Know
When You're Dead?" would probably be "You've been through five days at
Worldcon."  Almost everyone looked as sleep-deprived and zombified as I
felt -- particularly the gal with green makeup, fake stitches, and a
sign advertising the Fresh Start Club.  Most attempts at seriously
addressing the topic quickly keeled over as well, becoming a free-form,
wit-based version of "Dueling Banjos," with Connie Willis, Terry, and
Neil playing the lead instruments.  Since my notes consist of mostly
illegible scrawls, I refer you to Kate Nepveu's detailed live journal at:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/kate_nepveu/72101.html

I'd say she hits all the high (and low) points right on the money, save
for Neil's enthusiastic account of the "enormous-breasted assistant" on
his upcoming Fox Movie Channel horror show, and Terry's wonderfully
wretched pun about "working stiffs" as talk shifted to unions for the
dead.  She also chronicles the only question I asked at a program.  I
was curious which depictions of an afterlife (being dead, as opposed to
death in the abstract) the panelists would cite as having influenced
their writing.  Of course, I was so tired and nervous that the question
came out as, "What portrayal of death in literature or film has had the
most impact on each of you?" which covered ground already explored in
the discussion.  Luckily, it was redeemed by Connie Willis's mention of
_All Hallow's Eve_, as well as Neil Gaiman's description of the
Kabbalah's exquisitely beautiful Angel of Death, who inspires such love
that your soul is "sucked out through your eyes" (plus the pure
entertainment value of the ensuing chorus of feminine sighs from the
audience).

Afterwards, I dodged the hordes of women offering Neil their lingerie
and headed for the closing ceremonies.  Accepting his GOH thank-you gift
onstage, Terry had clearly reached the end of his endurance.  "Has it
been five days?" he asked incredulously.  "It feels more like five
hundred."  While bagpipers for next year's Glasgow Worldcon piped
everyone out into the concourse, I watched fans encircle Terry for one
last round of pictures and autographs.  Ever accommodating, he accepted
these attentions instead of telling everyone to bugger off and let him
sleep.  He'd even retained his sense of humor; for one photo in which a
winsome girl hiked up her skirt to flash a shapely limb, Terry blithely
pulled up his own pants leg in competition.

Once the crowd thinned, I approached to say a quick goodbye and thank
him for his patience.  He perceptibly relaxed after realizing I had not
come bearing a hat, a drink, a meal, or God forbid, a different costume.
   As I turned to leave, he inquired if I'd ever really ridden on a
motorbike.  I admitted I had not.  I neglected to add that the tightness
of my pants would hinder sitting in a car, let alone mounting a
motorcycle.  Returning to my room, I used the Jaws of Life to extract
myself from the aforementioned pants, changed into more conventional
clothing, and left for dinner with my husband.

(continued on Part 3)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 6 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 6


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
November 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 11)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Sarah McLaren
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: Jared Hays
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Anna M. Conina
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1

1) NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME

====Part 2

1) (continued) NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME

====Part 3

1) (continued) NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME
2) MENDED DRUM REPORT
3) NEWS FROM TERRY'S AGENT

====Part 4

4) THE MASTER SPEAKER
5) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS

====Part 5

6) DW -- A WAY OF LIFE
7) AUDITION FOR INTERESTING TIMES

====Part 6

8) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
9)  THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  GOING POSTAL
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 1

At long last, the grand finale of . . .

NOREASCON 4:  ALL TERRY PRATCHETT, ALL THE TIME
or, "Hi, my name is Anna, and I'll be your stalker this weekend."

BEING the Third of a Three-Part Convention Report on the 62nd Worldcon's
Guest of Honor by Anna M. Conina.

Part the Third:  Sunday/Monday -- Not the Usual Unusual

We interrupt this report for a spot of shameless self-promotion:

SHEILA AND I ARE IN THIS MONTH'S LOCUS MAGAZINE!

Check out the very first color photo spread of the November Noreascon
report.  Terry and I appear in the "Pratchett on Trial" picture, and
Sheila and Terry (saluting in his Legionnaire hat) are in the "GOH:
Terry Pratchett, Legionnaire" picture.  Rest assured that I am planning
to show off this magazine to everyone I know, and probably people I
don't, just for the hell of it.  I'll walk up to complete strangers on
the street and thrust the photo spread in their faces, saying, "Look!
I'm Susan Death!"  And then they'll edge away carefully, only breaking
into a run after achieving a safe distance.  Should be fun . . . .

. . . . but not nearly as fun as Terry's "The Art of Titles" program on
Sunday morning (how's *that* for a slick transition?).  A highly
subjective art, the topic stubbornly resisted all attempts to reduce it
to a science, or impose a set of rules.  One panelist absolutely loved
each title that another trashed as silly tripe; someone voiced the
truism, "Never name a book after a character," citing guaranteed
financial failure (like those notorious bombs, _Oliver Twist_, _Jane
Eyre_,  _Carrie_, and  _The Vampire Lestat_, perhaps?).  Predictably,
Terry scored the sharpest insights with his observations on the sound
and serendipity of titles.  A sonorous entry in a telephone directory
triggered the upcoming Tiffany Aching book _Wintersmith_, while the name
of a Discworld character, "Devious Collarbone," emerged from the email
header of a random-word, stream-of-consciousness spam; "I suppose now
the spammer can sue *me*," he mused.  When the conversation shifted to
his title-in-progress  _Thud_, he favored this "sound of a body hitting
the floor" for its Donald-Westlake-esque, murder-mystery, film-noir
finality.  One panelist seemed skeptical.  "It's short, but what else
does it have going for it?"  Face poker-straight, Terry calmly
explained, "Well, it does have the words 'by Terry Pratchett' underneath."

The laughter from that bombshell still ringing in my ears, I moved on to
the scheduled reading.  Terry's computer rebooted smoothly while he
gently reminded it of the unspeakable fate endured by the GOH speech
laptop.  It's often disappointing when authors read their own material,
but Terry's a natural storyteller whose force of personality created the
impression of speaking directly to the listener rather than reading from
a page.  After Moist von Lipwig's absurd introduction to Groat, Stanley,
and the derelict mail system from _Going Postal_, the comedic tone
whiplashed to a nail-gnawing, sadistically cliff-hanging chapter from
_Wintersmith_, in which Tiffany risks her life to save the sheep,
Roland, and her community from smothering snow with a fire-spell beyond
her capabilities.  Evocative and understated, strong and simple as the
elements themselves, the language had the rhythm of a magic chant,
surging to a terrible crescendo.  It's some of the best emotive writing
he's ever done.

Having auctioned off his reading copy of the as-yet-unreleased _Going
Postal_ for the staggering sum of $280, with proceeds benefiting the
TAFF/DUFF fund (bidders offered rather more for the laptop, but he
politely declined), Terry exited into the hall to settle payment with
the proud new owner.  I lingered to say hello to Kris (the ex-Agony
Aunt), tell the auction winner about WOSSNAME, and accost Terry's
editor, Jennifer Brehl.  I was perpetually astounded by how kind both
she and Terry were to me, never once exclaiming, "Oh, f***, it's you.
Security!" ("You haven't reached that point . . . *yet,*"  Terry once
wryly reassured me).  Squelching my extreme hero-worship fangirl
earnestness would probably have been like kicking a puppy.  Plus, they
both like Joe a lot, so I basked in the happy glow of a sort of
hospitality-by-proxy.

This is why I had the chutzpah to invite Jennifer to lunch.  When a
schedule conflict prevented her from accepting, I laughingly asked if I
would look like a scary sociopath if I extended Terry the offer instead,
and she encouraged me to go for it.  Impulsively, I did.  I then awaited
the inevitable polite refusal ("Oh, f***, it's you.  Security!").

Instead, he asked *where* I wanted to eat lunch.

As I stood stock-still and slack-jawed with disbelief, the convention
GOH liaison adroitly attempted to rescue him with a tactful reminder of
the TAFF/DUFF auction he was due to visit in less than an hour.  On cue,
I agreed it might be best to scrap the whole idea, given how little time
he had remaining.  Much to my astonishment -- and probably the liaison's
-- he shrugged and said we could still have a quick bite over at the
concourse.  I found myself sitting in front of the Mended Drum, staring
at Terry over my fruit salad with an expression normally reserved for
situations involving headlights and Herne the Hunted.

Before I go on, please note the following facts in my defense:

1. I speak much worse than I write.  I'm one of those poor unfortunate
souls who think up clever rejoinders at 3 am, usually several weeks
after a given conversation has concluded.
2. This was the first (and very likely the last) extended one-on-one
interaction I'd ever had with Terry, and the fear of saying something
stupid loomed large.  "Just relax and be yourself" is good advice, but
would have required the use of horse tranquilizers.
3. Knowing he was pressed for time, I felt hideously guilty for imposing on
his few free moments.
4. I really, really, *really* didn't expect him to say yes.  I was
grateful, but gobsmacked.  I still have no idea *why* he said yes, but
I'm guessing the puppy-kicking factor was involved.

So, suffice it to say that lunch consisted of Terry engaging in
effortlessly witty conversation, including every conceivable gambit
designed to encourage me to talk, while I sat in stupefied, starstruck
silence, occasionally emitting monosyllabic squeaky sounds when a
response seemed absolutely necessary.  By the time he finally fled, I
suspect he was making a Herculean effort not to laugh at me till salad
snorted out his nose.

In short, I bit the Big Sandwich.

Now, this is where I fall back on the comforting logic of quantum
Discworld thinking.  Namely, somewhere out there is an alternate world
where I *did* provide scintillatingly brilliant repartee (or at least
coherent sentences).  Inspired by this theory, I am sponsoring an
official competition designed to explore that other leg of the Trousers
of Time.  I hereby encourage all of you in the peanut gallery to write
an amusing and/or profound comment I should have made to Terry.  The
winner(s) will enjoy 15 minutes of fame in WOSSNAME, and will also
receive one of the stylish KFL buttons I created for the convention,
featuring both Stephen Briggs's flaming grenade logo and the
inspirational motto, "Join the Klatchian Foreign Legion, Meet
Interesting People, and Get Killed by Them."  Entrants are welcome to
submit multiple entries.  The deadline is January 15th.   Joe's
decisions are final.  And yes, this is a genuine, bona-fide competition.
So get writing already!

Meanwhile, back at Noreascon, the green-eyed Lady had turned upon me
with a vengeance, fickle strumpet that she is.  When I tried to join
Terry's massive autograph line to get two books signed for a friend, I
discovered it had closed over a half hour before.  I'd have to make it
to both signing sessions on Monday to get my friend's books and my two
books signed, which meant I'd miss "The Serious Side of Terry Pratchett"
panel with Esther Friesner, a very bright and funny writer who seems
almost as big a fan of Terry as I am.  Retreating to the elevators in
defeat, I was startled from my pity party by the dazzling smile of an
extravagantly gorgeous guy who enthused at length about the blue silk
dress I was wearing.  "I just *love* your sense of style.  And I have no
ulterior motive for saying this," he concluded brightly, "since I'm gay!"

Oddly enough, I found my optimism restored by this off-kilter
compliment.  After all, I enjoyed chatting with fans in the autograph
lines, so attending two in a row hardly qualified as a hardship.  More
importantly, I had just had the honor of lunching with my favorite
author.  Granted, I spent it doing a bang-up impression of a deaf-mute,
but all in all it could have been much worse.  I could have said
something so hideously embarrassing I'd need to change my name and join
a convent.  I could have coughed up a pineapple chunk into his lap, or
accidentally skewered him with a spork.  And even if I'd come off as a
cretin, at least my clothes looked nice.  It's all a matter of perspective.

(continued on Part 2)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you did not get all 6 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 6


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
December 2004 (Volume  7, Issue 12)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Convention News Editor: Anna M.Conina
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: Jared Hays
DW Horoscope: Lady Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004/2005 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------

***

INDEX:

====Part 1

1) Apologia

2) Minicon Report

3) Going Postal Redux

4) Orange Word Interview

====Part 2

5) Once More, With Footnotes

6) New Year's Resolutions

====Part 3

7) Letters From Our Readers

8) Barnes and Noble "Going Postal" Reading Group

9) The Art of Discworld


====Part 4

10) The New Disc Horoscope


*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

APOLOGIA THINGUMMY

As some of you may know, and many of you may not know, our beloved
Editor-in-Chief and Elder God of the Outer Deeps, Joe Schaumburger,
suffered a mild heart attack on Christmas Day - luckily, *after* the
meal and the sweet trolley, as befits a proper wizzardly sort - and
was carted off to hospital. In a typical act of Joe-ness, the first
thing he did when allowed to have visitors was to pass a message to
me asking if I could possibly do him the favour of putting together
and publishing the December issue of WOSSNAME!

After some uncomfortable surgical procedures, Joe was allowed home,
but is under orders to rest (why these hospitals don't keep a handy
Igor around is quite beyond me), so with the help of the delectable
Anna M. Conina, I've cobbled together the slightly-late December
issue in order to give the poor man a break. Normal service will
resume next month, for a certain value of normal.

The staff of WOSSNAME fervently wishes all our readers a very happy
New Year, with good health and good fortune for all.

Annie Mac, Managing Editor who has learnt some new and exciting
things about, um, managing.

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

MINICON NEWS

by Anna M.C.

Terry Pratchett is scheduled to appear as Writer Guest of Honor at
Minicon 40, March 25-27, 2005, at the Sheraton Minneapolis in
Bloomington, Minnesota.  Programming ideas for "Minicon Fortean" are
still in progress, so be sure to submit your Discworld inspirations
to:

programming@...

For more information, please visit the Minicon website-in-progress
at:

http://www.mnstf.org/minicon/minicon40/


*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

GOING POSTAL REDUX: Pratchett's Marvellous Omniscope

by Annie Mac

I've been re-reading Going Postal this week, for the first time since
it came out. Reading it, not at my usual FTL speed, but rather taking
a few pages at a time, a few times a day, and savouring every
paragraph, and musing on its contents, the way one would read a
cherished childhood novel, or a rare uncorrected proof...or a chatty
letter handwritten by a long-dead stranger. And I'm finding that
Going Postal is rapidly moving up the upper reaches of the My
Absolute Favourite Of All Time Discworld novels, climbing over the
shoulders of a few of my other best-beloveds. How high it will
eventually get, I don't know, but it's very near to Night Watch at
this moment - and that's high on the list indeed.

All the Discworld novels are endlessly quotable, but Going Postal
seems to me to be one nearly-uninterrupted string of memorable lines.
I wouldn't know where to begin if I had to list my favourite GP
quotes (though the passage about B. S. Johnson's design flaws is a
definite contender, as is Vetinari's manner of pointing out what the
job description for Tyrant includes!); the book isn't merely a
"sequence of unalloyed delight", as some reviewer once claimed about
an earlier DW novel - it's a sequence of sequences of unalloyed -
well, you get the picture. Or the iconograph. The earliest Discworld
novels (The Colour of Magic through  to and including Equal Rites),
wonderful as they all were, tended to be a series of satirical images
and anecdotes strung together by a minimum of plot. But as the now-
familiar characters took on shape and substance and, I suspect, a
life of their own (which the author as much as admits in a sense),
their creator became free(r) to explore more textured stories, to
flesh out the lives and histories of the players, and then the
Discworld tales took off from the realms of what I call satirical
fantasy into the meatier and darker lands of The Human Condition -
oh, all right, The Person Condition [essayist dodges a dangerous
Battle Bun hurled at this point by the Campaign for Equal Heights and
a large lump of ooograh flung by the Silicon Anti-Defamation League].
As the march of Discworld novels progresses, so does Pratchett ever
more deeply delve into what makes people and societies tick, and what
problems and situations are common to all sentient beings, be they
human, Dwarf, Troll, werewolf, vampire or Nobbs...and as he does so,
he shows this exquisite talent for getting inside the motivations of
the great and the small (and even the *very* small, though your
average Nac Mac Feegle is, shall we say, not overly complicated...but
don't let them know that or you'll probably get a face full o' heid).
Granny and Vimes and Vetinari and Carrot become ever more complex,
ever more layered, ever more *real* as their lives and times continue
- and I for one love that. Whenever I hear a self-proclaimed
Discworld fan claim that Pratchett's "best" books were the earlier
ones, I have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue to keep from getting
mediaeval upon their, erm, selves. Whenever I hear such self-
proclaimed fans complaining that the latter books "aren't as funny",
I calm myself with the sure knowledge that ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT is
stamped into said fans' personalities, somewhere in the slipping-on-
bananana-peel sections of the brain. Hellooo, people, the Discworld
books are still funny! - in fact, Going Postal is full of absolute
howlers - as are even the most "serious" books such as Monstrous
Regiment and Night Watch. It's just that underneath the pun(e)s and
the hilarious set pieces are fine, deep currents of truth and
timeliness, and universally applicable observations about all our
Dark Moments of Existential Dreeed. Terry Pratchett has an emotional
omniscope and he uses it without fear or favour, and I say hurrah
for that.

And now I'm going back to savour some more of Going Postal again.

One of the recurring DW dust-jacket blurbs says that Pratchett
occasionally gets accused of making Literature. Damn' right.

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

ORANGE WORD INTERVIEW

Thanks to the kind folk at "The Orange Word," a streaming audio
recording of Terry Pratchett's hour-long interview for the 2004
International Writers Season, is now available online. Acknowledging
that Terry virtually "interviews himself," host Paul Blezard of One
Word Radio knows when to stand back and let twenty-one years of
Discworld speak for themselves.

Progressing from the mostly plot-free The Color of Magic  to a
sneak preview of Nation (about a country consisting of only one
boy), Terry reflects how his writing has matured, admitting a special
fondness for the complex characters of Vimes and Granny, who curb
their internal darkness with a wary self-restraint. Anecdotes about
the perils of scented stamps and cross-dressing Dutchwomen emphasize
how snippets of real-life history enrich his humor with the texture
of truth. Fans will especially appreciate details from the upcoming
Thud about Nobby's pole-dancer girlfriend, a class act who not only
owns her own pole, but who was once Miss May *and* two weeks in June.

Questions about his writing techniques yield less satisfying answers;
the revelation that he juggles three books at once by "partitioning"
his mind left me wondering how to accomplish that impressive feat,
short of the application of plywood and particularly painful surgery.
Perhaps the best answer to all these sorts of questions is his
ultimate reply to the audience member who asks, "Why [the switch to]
chapters?" After explaining their convenience in children's books in
which "Mummy and Daddy...will read you up 'till the end of the
chapter," the fun of Going Postal's early Victorian headings with
"little tidbits about what's going to happen next," and the
challenging "discipline" of the chapter form, he finally concludes
that he decided to try chapters "Because I can do *whatever I want*!"
With a talent like Terry's, you can indeed.

Fleshed out with his incisive opinions of critics, other authors and
the marginalization of science fiction/fantasy by booksellers, the
interview is the next best thing to talking to Terry yourself. For
those as tongue-tied as me, it's probably even better. ; )

To hear the Windows Media interview, go to:

http://orangeword.co.uk/DOCS/0102.htm

by Anna M.C.

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************


END OF PART 1 OF 4 [Editor's note: sounds like a Borg to me!]

If you do not get all parts of this issue, wait a while before
emailing jschaum111@... - the man needs his rest!

WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2004 -- PART 2 OF 4

====Part 2

5) Once More, With Footnotes

6) New Year's Resolutions

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

ONCE MORE, WITH FOOTNOTES: a review

by Anna M.C.

At times, being an American fan of Terry's Pratchett's writing smacks
of second-class citizenship: we lack cohesive fandom, we don't
produce Discworld plays, and until recently, the books debuted here
months later than their U.K. counterparts. Thus, it is with great
glee that I reveal New England, not old England, is responsible for
the first-ever Pratchett miscellany, a collection of forty-five short
stories, articles, speeches, and essays published by NESFA (the New
England Science Fiction Association) to commemorate Terry's tenure as
Noreascon Four's guest of honor.

These selections range from the readily available to the impressively
rare. While "Theatre of Cruelty" has been online for years, "And Mind
the Monoliths" hails from an obscure 1983 edition of the Bath and
West Evening Chronicle, and only Terry's audience at the University
of Portsmouth's honorary doctorate ceremony has heard "Doctor Who?"
Also unique to this volume are Terry's brief introductions, which
enrich each piece with context, commentary, and far more laughs than
you'd expect in so few paragraphs.

Containing only four Discworld short stories and six Discworld essays
and tie-ins, this book may not appeal to the casual fan. But for
those who love the wizardry of his writing, Discworld or not, Terry
shares some genuine delights. If judged on a strict word-to-laugh
ratio, the 100-word "Incubust" ranks as one of the funniest bawdy
bits ever written. "Final Reward," a 1988 chronicle of a fantasy
writer's life being literally overtaken by his creation, seems a
prophetic metaphor for Terry and the Discworld. Despite its choppy
style, even his first short story, "The Hades Business," is well
worth reading, as the thirteen-year-old Terry already possessed an
appreciation for the absurd and a knack for playful language. These
powers are at full maturity in "The Sea and Little Fishes," where
Granny Weatherwax's baking gives new meaning to "killing with
kindness": "It looked as though a herd of small cows had eaten a lot
of raisins and then been ill. They were Ur-cakes, prehistoric cakes,
cakes of great weight and presence that had no place among the iced
dainties."

Common themes unite his nonfiction: our intrinsic need for stories,
the nature of authorship, and our ambivalent relationship with
technology. Although this leads to repetition, particularly among
his apologias for the fantasy genre, all essays are thoughtful,
thought-provoking, and very, very opinionated, balancing Big Ideas
with personal glimpses of his career in the nuclear industry, his
bookish childhood, his bemused appraisal of his own success, and even
his iconic hat fetish. One of the best of the bunch, "Imaginary
Worlds, Real Stories," will inspire you to run out and read all the
folklore you can find. All work to create, in the words of Esther
Friesner's introduction, an immensely likable portrait of "the man,
the myth, the beverage."

Of course, it falls short of being comprehensive. As the introduction
explains, Terry never preserved his prodigious journalistic output,
and less well-regarded works like "Night Dweller" are conspicuous by
their absence. To grasp the scope of the omissions, you have only to
check such websites as

http://www.diversebooks.com/tp_biblio.shtml.

Still, all things considered, this is the most complete collection of
"unconsidered trifles" you're likely to pick up in quite some time.
Thanks go to NESFA for undertaking the daunting task of tracking down
articles even Terry had forgotten, wangling the rights and
assembling the results, all with limited budget and time, and an all-
volunteer staff. I propose a moment of applause for all their
efforts, as well as a moment of silence for the sad demise of this
collection's original working title. Hopefully, in some alternate
universe, "Oh Bugger! by Wossname" lived to see the light of day.[ed]

Once More, with Footnotes is available for purchase at:

http://www.nesfa.org/press/Books/Pratchett.html

[editor's note: of course it did - that's what L-Space is all about]

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS: AN A-M- TIMES REPORT

as transcribed by Steven D'Aprano

======================

William de Worde, well-known editor of  the Ankh-Morpork Times, has
asked some Notable Persons of interest to share their New Year's
resolutions with us. Their responses are provided below...


"Not to leave Unseen University ever again, not even for potatoes.
Except in case of an attack by Things from the Dungeon Dimensions;
then run away."
-- Rincewind, a Wizzard.

***

"I Choose To Make The Resolution That I Shall Work Harder Next Year
By My Free Choice As A Free And Independent Being, So As To Be Able
To Buy More Golems And Free Them As Well. I Make This Resolution By
My Own Free Will And Not Because I Have Been Ordered To Do So."
-- Dorfl, a golem and Watchman.

***

"Oh, it's a new year, is it? Strange, things seem exactly as they
were yesterday, with the possible exception that there are more
people with hangovers and fewer wearing silly hats. That was a
particularly bright shade of yellow underwear you were wearing on
your head at the party last night, and I especially enjoyed the
anecdotes you told. New Year's Resolution, you ask? Very well. I
resolve to take very careful note of the advice and criticism of my
policies that you so very kindly, if rather incoherently, expressed
to me last night."
-- Havelock Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork.

***

"It's the new year already, time for me to be digging up my
parsnips and carrots. You'd never guess what humorously shaped
vegetables I found last year, ha ha! My resolution is to try
growing asparagus this year."
-- Mr Wintler, Ankh-Morpork vegetable grower.

***

"It is a hard hard world for helpless ol' ladies and respectable
widows like mys*cough cough cough*. Sorry, I don't know what came
over me. In this terrible world, family is more important than ever.
My resolution for the new year is to be more grateful for my
children and grand-kiddies, bless 'em. And to my daughters-in-law,
lazy bunch of slovens the lot of 'em, I don't know what my boys see
in 'em, I'll try to help 'em become better people by pointing out
all their faults more often."
-- Nanny Ogg, a Lancre witch.

***

"New year's resolutions? I can't be having with that sort of thing!
If you ain't doin' what you need to be doin', no damn foolish
resolution is going to make you do it."
-- Granny Weatherwax, another Lancre witch.

***

TO TRY TO GET OUT AND MEET MORE INTERESTING PEOPLE. AND FEWER ALMOST
DEAD ONES. AND CURRIES. I'D LIKE TO EAT CURRIES MORE OFTEN.
-- Death, the Grim Reaper.

***

"My resolution for the new year is to encourage the people of Lancre
to be more accepting of modern technology and perhaps to bathe more
often. Or even ever."
-- King Verence II of Lancre.

***

"Well, here's the fing, Ron says he doesn't really care too much
about what year it is, when you're living in the sewer its all the
same. But Ron says, he'd like to stop following you home and sitting
outside your front gate and muttering loudly to himself whenever
people come to visit you, and if you have a few pennies or perhaps a
bottle of somefing, he finks he could avoiding breaking that
resolution for weeks."
-- Foul Ole Ron, beggar, as translated by his Thinking Brain Dog.

***

"Have you theen my new Marthter? He'th all thumbth, and I thhould
know, I thewed them on mythelf. My retholution ith to have collected
my wageth and be far far away from hith experimentth before he
pullth the big lever."
-- Igor, freelance assistant.

***

"I vould like to do more of zer study of zer interplay of light and
shadow. I am zinking that I vould like to make zer iconographs of
zer light as it falls on zer surface of zer nice cup of cocoa, and
most definitely not any ozzer drink, not at all, vot sort of stupid
sucker do you take me for?"
-- Otto Chriek, iconographer.

***

"My resolution for the 'new year' is try out my new filing system at
the regimental 'head quarters'. For some reason my requests to be
transferred keep getting misfiled, which shows that their existing
filing system doesn't 'cut the mustard'."
-- Captain Blouse, Borogravian soldier.

***

"Too many damn dwarfs and trolls and the wrong sort of people in the
city these days. Resolve to do something about it. And Klatch. Time
to finish off what we started, show Johnny Klatchian a taste of cold
steel and watch him run."
-- Lord Ronald Rust.

***

"To hire some gnolls and put them on patrol in Ronnie Rust's street."
-- His Grace the Duke of Ankh, Samuel Vimes.

***

"To catch that geas that keeps flappin' at the big man Rob, should be
good eatin' on one o' them. And more fightin'. An' drinkin'. An'
stealin'. But no' the ship beasties, no' unless the wee hag says it's
okay. An' drinkin', especially drinkin' the strong licker just after
we've stole it from some bigjobs we've jus' been fightin'."
-- Daft Wullie, a pictsie of the clan Nac Mac Feegle.

***

"After last week's bit of unpleasantness with Lord Selachii, I
resolve to never again discuss the relative merits of the vertical or
upright position vis-à-vis standing and walking."
-- Lord Charles Venturi

***

"To drink a cup of tea with rancid yak butter in peace and quiet for
a few moments, without having to worry about people who don't know
Rule One."
-- Lu-Tze, a little foreign old man with a broom.

***

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

END OF PART 2

"And there's more..."

WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2004 -- PART 3 OF 4

====Part 3

7) Letters From Our Readers

8) Barnes and Noble "Going Postal" Reading Group

9) The Art of Discworld

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

LETTERS FROM OUR READERS

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

RETIREMENT OF DISCWORLD PIECES

Elton Murphy writes,

Just a quick note to let you know that The following pieces will
cease production in February, 2005. That sounds a long way off, but
is actually just around the corner in production terms, as
retirements tend to create a back-log of orders!

Imp Y Celyn - DW81
Lias Bluestone - DW82
Glod Glodsson - DW83

Death & Granny Weatherwax is also down to the last 30 pieces! Don't
miss out on this great Limited Edition.

All pieces above are available to order in our current DISCWORLD
SALE. Just click the link below.

Best Wishes,

Elton Murphy - Collectors Gifts
http://www.collectorsgifts.com/

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

UM, LIKED YOUR REVIEW OF *WHAT*?

Joe has emailed me this letter about the performance of, um, *some*
Discworld play. Can anyone shed light upon the darkness?

%%%%%%   %%%%%%%%   %%%%%%%%

Joe wrote, and Bobby answered:

Hi Bob,
Liked your review.
Would like to run your review in WOSSNAME.
Can you supply the following data?

Where was the play performed?  (theater, city)

"Fig Tree Theatre, University of New South Wales, Sydney."

What was the date?

"Friday 10th December."

Who was in it?


"Thee More Pork Players."

Cordially,
Joe Schaumburger
editor
WOSSNAME

--
Robert Cox

[N.B.: I have a suspicion it was Wyrd Sisters. Or possibly Guards!
Guards! Or Maybe Men At Arms. Erm.]

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"GOING POSTAL" FRESH AND QUIRKY

To the Editor:

I thought that GOING POSTAL was one of his best. I have read each
one as it has come out and to tell the truth they have been dropping
off a bit lately.

I had a few problems with Men at Arms. Usually the more Pratchett
the better as far as I'm concerned, but Men at Arms did go on a bit.

Going Postal on the other hand was very fresh with lots of quirky
ideas.

One point that I thought was odd was the time spent on the 'slipping
back in time' bit in the post office. I know it was a very useful
idea to explain the deaths of the previous postmasters and it gave
you an idea of the grandeur of the post office in past times, but it
didn't seem to have much use aprt from this. I was expecting,
instead of the postmaster having to make his heroic ride, for him to
go back to the post office, slip into the past and pass his message
by way of the old post office in some way.

-- Stuart Hamilton
Colchester, UK

[Editor's note: we all have our own opinions, but I thought the use
of the sort-of timeslip as a device to advance the plot and explain
the previous postmasters' deaths was sufficient, and not a red
herring. Of course there are two paths you can go by, but in the
long run ~grins~ the author has to make the call! Still, glad you
enjoyed the book :-)]

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

JOHNNY SERIES: WHAT WAS THAT NAME AGAIN?

--- Paul Godsil <bu_librarian@...> wrote:

Johnny's Grandfather's name.

< Johnny and the Dead >

'My name's John Maxwell. What's yours?'

'Atterbury. Ronald Atterbury.'

He extended a hand. They shook hands,solemnly.

'Are you Arthur Maxwell's grandson? He used to work for me at the
boot factory.'

< Johnny and the Bomb >

"Eh? What? Oh...that's for learning aircraft recognition," said Tom,
who'd been careful to keep the table between him and Johnny. "You
plays cards with 'em and you sort of picks up the shapes, like."
< >
and
< >
"They're right, sergeant," said Tom. "You've got to do it! We...ran
all the way!"

"What, off the down?" said the sergeant. "That's two miles, that is.
< >
"You know you said that before you went in the army you were a sort
of aircraft spotter-"

"Got a medal for it," said his grandfather. He picked up the remote
control and switched off the set, which never usually happened.
"Showed it you, didn't I? Must've done." ~ ~

< >

So what is Johnny's grandfather's name?  Arthur or Tom?

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Maybe his name's Arthur Tom Maxwell, but his friends called him Tom.
I know people who are called by their middle names, but TPTB call
them by their first names.

It's a bit strange and far-fetched, but possible...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Now Paul, this may be a little tricky to follow, but let's see how
we all go ...

Is it possible that Johnny has *two* grandfathers? Perhaps one is
his mother's father and the other his father's father. I can't
remember JatB too well, but given that the JatD quote you mention
uses his surname then if it doesn't explicitly say so then there's
nothing stopping Tom being his maternal grandfather.

Of course, like I said, I haven't read it in a while so if you
provide a quote proving that Tom is supposed to be his paternal
grandfather, then, well, my theory is screwed.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

So what is Johnny's grandfathers name?  Arthur or Tom?

Unless he's from Arkansas, shouldn't he have TWO grandfathers?

Only his Mother's Father is ever mentioned.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

BARNES AND NOBLE "GOING POSTAL" READING GROUP

by Anna M.C.

TerryPratchettBooks.com reports that Barnes and Noble University is
offering a unique opportunity to discuss Going Postal with Terry
himself in a free online reading group! Starting January 10th, the
course will last for four weeks and appears to be open to anyone.
For more information, visit the Barnes and Noble Website at:

http://educate.barnesandnoble.com/educate/bn/home/catalog/overview.jsp?productId\
=26092

or http://tinyurl.com/6e77f

While you're signing up, be sure to read the featured interview with
Terry to learn about his top ten favorite books. They might surprise
you:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/writers/writerdetails.asp?userid=t82X5veAQp&bnit=H\
&cid=1008618#interview

or http://tinyurl.com/4ezol

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

THE ART OF DISCWORLD: a review

by Drusilla D'Afanguin

The Art of Discworld, by Terry Pratchett and Paul Kidby
Gollancz, 2004 ISBN 0 575 07511 2

I purchased The Art of Discworld on the day of the most recent Pterry
signing in Melbourne, XXXX. I'd been aiming for The New Discworld
Almanak, which is amusing but in my opinion very overpriced for what
it offers, but I made the financial mistake of opening TAoD and
glancing at the first few pages. Oops. No way could I resist buying
it. Paul Kidby is my favourite Discworld artist - the *only* true
Discworld artist in my estimation - and he has well and truly outdone
himself this time, from the wonderful cameos inside the front and
back covers to the extended portfolios of the Librarian, the Death
Family and Rincewind. There are a lot of pages...I don't know how
many, since they aren't numbered, but it's a lot. Some of the
illustrations are familiar ones from Paul Kidby's website and
products (such as the Family Values and Unusual Suspects portraits
on our coffee mugs, and the Greebo Hogswatch cards), but in many
cases we get to see them in various stages of completion, from
cartoon to finished colour (one favourite of mine is the series of
Science of Discworld covers). Each section has commentary from The
Master about how a particular character came to be, and how he
regards Kidby's rendering of him, her or it, and commentary from
Kidby about how he did the art or what inspired him in a particular
case.

Some of my personal favourites include: Esme Weatherwax as a young
woman, barely adult (probably around the time when she first
investigated the Dancers and nearly dallied with young Mustrum
Ridcully) but already so tellingly possessed of that iron will that
kept her bound to the path of "being the good one"; Mort, captured
just after he'd fully assumed The Duty and looking eerily like Elijah
Wood as Frodo; Nobby Nobbs in disturbing drag as Beti the exotic
dancer (has to be seen to be believed, and even then...); Albert
attempting to fry porridge; and the entire section on the Nac Mac
Feegle. Oh, and we also get to see what Leonard of Quirm was getting
up to in his younger, less cerebral days, heheh...

Of course, not *every* character of note is covered in depth. Magrat
barely gets a look-in, and there's nary a sign of Cheery Littlebottom
or the Uberwald dwarfs or Lady Margolotta or Vetinari's Aunt Bobbi
- no drawings of the Baron von Uberwald and his family, which was a
disappointment to me (though there are good renderings of Angua in
both her forms) - but maybe they're saving those for the next volume.
And I certainly hope there is a next volume, and that it comes out
soon.

Highly recommended, and suitable for scanning. For home purposes
only, of course!

*********************************************************************

*********************************************************************

END OF PART 3

"Keep right on to the end of the road..."

WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4

====Part 4

10) The New Disc Horoscope

====

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

Well, here it is a fresh new year and all that; Hogswatch is over,
the carols have been sung, the drinks have been drunk, the drunks
have been put in the woodshed to sober up, and all is shiny and
promising. Oh, wait, that's just the scumble afterglow. Ah well, time
to pull your socks up (if you wear socks) and face the year with
fortitude. And health drinks. And of course, a shiny new horoscope...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

The time has come for a change in your life. A big change. A really,
really big change. Have you ever considered moving continents? No,
not actually *moving continents* - after all, that's a job for the
gods - but packing your bags and saying goodbye to your friends and
family and setting off for a new life in Brindisi or Howondaland or
Agatea or even the mysterious land of XXXX. Well, my dears, now is
the best time to do it, if you're ever going to. Think about it - do
you truly want to die without being able to say you've seen the
mountains of the History Monks, or without ever having bathed in the
lost springs of youth in Tezuma? Not that I'm suggesting you're about
to die, but, um, do remember to buy travel inn-sewer-ants.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

Communications, that's the key. Gahooligans are great communicators,
just look at all those educators, priests and salesmen of genuine pig
products, and a new year brings new opportunities to investigate new
forms of communication. In fact, don't just investigate - invest! The
newly renovated Grand Trunk clacks network is growing by the day, and
gives a great return for A-M dollar investments. Who knows, you could
make your millions, retire early, and go chase that nice Quirmian
girl Hogger who decided to heed *her* horoscope and now lives in Bes
Pelargic! Alternatively, you could become a mime, but the return for
your investment tends to involve scorpions.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May - 21 Jun

This is a good month to consider a career in couture. After all, in
this modern age, there are so many styles to pick and choose from,
whether severe schoolmistress outfits, the Gothique look, long rustic
dresses with enormous boots, or the kind of clothing that might get
you cautioned by the Watch if you wear it on the wrong street
corners. Fashion is an exciting and ever-changing field, and with the
continuing rise of the merchant classes, you could turn a pretty
penny. I mean, how much does it take to convince an awkward, social-
climbing cabbage distributor's wife that she really would look
*delicious* in pink tulle and a rubber apron? - or a burnous and
waders? And you'll never be short of a labour pool; look how many
seamstresses there are, walking the streets looking for work!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Sing ho for the wonders of the kitchen! The first month of any year
tends to be boring and dreary and full of holiday leftovers; why not
start it off by taking a cookery course, or opening a Forn food
restaurant? Klatchian curries are already well known and feared, but
think of the possibilities: you could become a squishi chef, or a
Genuan gumbo specialist, or a maker of fine Lancre-style cheeses;
you could amaze your friends with your new-found expertise at making
traditional Uberwald goulashes and fatsup; you could even ~cough
cough~ spice up your home life by mastering every recipe in Nanny
Ogg's famous cookbook! Or go cosmopolitan and open an open-air
Brindisian style café. Call it Café Olé. You know it makes sense.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

The doing of charitable works should be your project for the new
year. And there are so many charitable works you could participate
in! Collecting funds, nearly new bandages and freshly discarded
body parts for the Lady Sybil Free Hospital...teaching apprentice
witches how to make a good shamble (for the purpose of public
security)...counselling depressed Fools (and there's an endless
supply of those)...joining the Beautify Ankh-Morpork Campaign (the
Brass Bridge really could do with a new coat of brass)...running a
language course for newly arrived Agatean tourists...let your
imagination run free! It will make you feel good about yourself. And
distract you from the ravages of those unspeakable holiday hangovers.
Oh wait, you have those *every* weekend, don't you.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

War! What is it good for? Well, for a start, it's good to study. You
can learn so much about human nature - or troll, dwarf or creature-
of-the-night nature - from the study of government approved violence
...perhaps even learn how to stop wars from happening. Alternatively,
you could study the history of weaponry and make a packet by entering
the munitions trade. Or become an illicit crossbow runner. Or, for
those of you of an Auriental bent, master an obscure martial art
(note spelling). See? - war is good for quite a lot. If you want to
start small, why not plan and initiate a vendetta with her at No. 18
about those ghastly encroaching flower beds? I'm sure your prize
Llamedosian Crossbrained Retriever could be a big help.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

The world of collecting is heart-stoppingly exciting! Why not start
your new year by taking up this beguiling pastime? Here are a few
helpful suggestions for things to collect, to polish and display
and cherish and rattle on interminably about. You could take up
collecting: coproliths from various fascinating species...fine art
and small clear bags of powdered mothballs...humorously shaped
vegetables...stamps of the world (taking care to hermetically seal
the limited-edition Quirm cabbage ones)...socks...icons of small
gods...blood samples (not recommended for Black Ribboners)...those
black and yellow cart-wheel clamps that are all the rage in the
cities now...just don't bother collecting pins. Pins are *so*
yesterday.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

Take Art into your life this year! Embrace it! Ponder (not Stibbons)
the interplay of light and shadow with an iconographer's eye (not
one borrowed from an Igor). Design creative battle breads with an
innovative use of gravel textures. Work out exciting new cross-
stitch and knitting patterns for those normally boring scabbards and
throwing-knife sheaths. Experiment with new alloys to create unique
stud patterns on your leather Music With Rocks In robe. No, not
*that* kind of stud, especially if you're a wizard.  Oh dear. Um,
where was I? Oh yes. Art can be found in Nature as well -
Llamedosian Okjokers might enjoy seeking and harvesting previously-
unquarried henges and monoliths, and those of the trollish
persuasion could practice painting graffiti tags on Old Granddad. I
don't know Art but I know what you'll like.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

Science. Does the word frighten you? It's time you left your fears
behind and learned about the world around you and what makes it tick.
There's dendrochronology, the science of determining the age of
ooograh; geology, the science of determining the age and origin of
submontane fat deposits; alchemy, the science of determining how to
become a *literal* rocket wizard; biology, the science of
investigating the origins of pencil bushes and orangutans; cosmology,
the study of very large turtles; ballistics, the study of the
trajectories of extremely fast-moving wizards powered by Agatean
technology (or by pure terror); and of course the emperor of all
sciences, thaumology. Do be sure to practise safety in the
laboratory,  especially if you're taking up one of the more...
pyrotechnic branches; sometimes blinding people with science isn't
such a good idea.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

I'd recommend a career in politics starting this year, but I see that
so many of you Hokians already have one. For those who don't,
politics - an branch of the ancient game of Watching People Over The
Garden Gate And Interfering In their Lives - can be a rewarding
lifestyle choice (I hear the kickbacks in Bhangbhangduc are
particularly gratifying). The study and practice of politics can keep
you occupied for years, often in a dungeon cell. And the ballot-paper
ceiling isn't so tough - who knows, if you apply yourself properly
you might end up rising to the highest position in the land, or even
to Grand Vizierhood, which is less public and involves a lot of
stress-relieving evil cackling. You too could rule with an iron
hand! Just don't let Lord Vetinari or Emperor Cohen catch you
thinking about it.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

Happy new year! Romance is in the air - though it's *always* in the
air for some of you Gazundians and it's positively magical. But did
you know that there's an art and science to romance also? - pipe
down, Mister Casanunda, of course I'm not trying to teach you to suck
eggs. Yes, eggs, we're certainly not going to think of sucking
anything else here, this is a family horoscope I'll have you know...
anyway, for the rest of you, the mysterious rites of courtship make
a good study-project for the year. There's bouquet-arranging, and
the writing of coy little love-notes; there's the planning of
romantic dinners à deux - you can pick up tips from Staffy cookery
students - and the nuances of scene-setting and coquettish small
talk;  there's the best and most dashing methods of carrying your
most-wanted across the threshold, and then the best way to achieve,
um ...other...positions...er, yes. Romance is back in fashion.
Enjoy it.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

The Moose may be the traditional sign of surgeons, but how many of
you really know anything about doctor-ing? It's not all leeches and
trepanning and sulphur ointment, you know. This year it would do
you good to brush up on medical knowledge - can you put your hands
on your heart(s) and honestly state that the Isles of Langerhans
aren't actually a cool holiday destination off the coast of Klatch?
- or participate in experiments to push back the boundaries of
modern medicine. You could steal and examine a Boring'un's collection
of blood samples, or measure blood-pressure changes over time by
observing prisoners hanging upside-down in the Patrician's scorpion
pit, or become a grave robber and assemble and revivify your own...
erm, let's not go there. You probably don't want to start the year
running one step ahead of a forest of angrily wielded pitchforks.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

END OF PART 4

And there you have it, folks. I hope our chaotic attempts to
impersonate WOSSNAME have entertained you. see you next month! I'm
for a cuppa and off to bed :-)
-- Annie Mac, speaking for Joe

WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2005 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
====Part  2

7) TERRY ON THE AIR

Terry was on Radio 4 on January 14th reading  a poem he wrote
as part of a National Science week challenge.

You can  hear the segment at
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/today/rams/poetry2.ram
or you  can read the poem right here:

ODE TO MULTIPLE UNIVERSES
by Terry  Pratchett

I do have worlds enough and time
to spare an hour to find a  rhyme
to take a week to pen an article
a day to find a rhyme for  'particle'.
In many worlds my time is free
to spend ten minutes over  tea
And steal the time from some far moon
so words can take all  afternoon,
Away beyond the speed of light
I'll write a novel in one  night.
Aeons beckon, if I want 'em...

...but I can't have em', 'cos of  Quantum

-- Mark Barltrop  (tachyon@...)

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8)  BOOK IN A MINUTE

In the hustle and bustle of this fast-paced modern  world, who has
time to read an entire book? Hardly anybody, that's who. And  that's
why "BOOK IN A MINUTE" is so valuable. Our team of  highly-trained
professional readers will read books for you so you don't have  to,
and summarize them in an easy-to-digest[1] format guaranteed to  take
no more than a minute to read!

As a service to Wossname Readers,  our BOOK IN A MINUTE team
has been working day and night for entire minutes  to present to you
the latest Discworld books. Here some samples:

The  Last Hero
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cohen the Barbarian is mad at the gods, and he  tries to return fire
to them. Rincewind is cowardly but actually deep-down  brave when it
counts, and Captain Carrot is heroic, and Leonard of Quirm  is
absent-mindedly brilliant. The book ends with a SHOCKING TWIST  when
Cohen REFUSES TO DIE.

Night Watch
~~~~~~~~~~~

His Grace  the Duke of Ankh Samuel Vimes goes back in time to an age
of corruption and  rebellion and torture, and stops a murderous
psychopath from DESTROYING THE  FUTURE -- but at a TERRIBLE COST.

The Art of Discworld (by Paul  Kidby)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is full of pictures,  and they are GOOD.

Wee Free Men
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young Tiffany  Aching's brother has been stolen by the terrible
Queen of Elves. With only  the help of a tribe of thieving,
hard-fighting, hard-drinking, blue-tattooed  pictsies, she DEFEATS
THE QUEEN and rescues her brother.

A Hat Full  Of Sky
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In this SHOCKING sequel to Wee Free Men,  young Tiffany has to
struggle with her own DARK SIDE to defeat an unstoppable  monster.

[1] Coming soon: BOOK IN A MINUTE printed on rice paper,
for  those special moments in the stall.

-- Steven D'Aprano

(Ed: Just  give us the titles and Steve will provide more
of these BOOK IN A MINUTE  digests.)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) DW  CROSS-STITCHING

For those on our list who are into stitching, this  website -
http://www.lyndisfarne.com/discworld1.html has three
pages of  discworld  patterns!

Included are Death and Binky, Granny, Susan  Death,
Mort, Rincewind, the Hogfather, and the UU Faculty.

-- Bek  Neil, Cross-Stitch  Editor
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10)  LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* SMALL  GODS

To the Editor:

There are some I can't get on with and having  read 4
or 5  times, they still don't appeal to me.....Small  Gods,
Sourcery, Lords and Ladies.....

-- Graeme Caselton

(To  which someone, probably Annie Mack replied)

Strangely, I found Small Gods  pretty hard to get
through, the first time round. Then I tried it  again,
about a year later, and it was one of the most amazing
books I'd  read. It was deep, human, and still packed
with the sort of humour that I can  appreciate
("Hmm...I think I could do something with a pair of
revolving  balls..." "Funny you should mention that,
but when we shot up into the air  like that...") (I'm
paraphrasing madly, but my copy of the book is  576km
north of where I am!). I find the same sort of deeply
compassionate  humanity (er, like, assertion of what it
means to be human; I can't explain  this very well)
recurs in Night Watch, which is probably why it's one
of  my most favouritest Pratchetts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*  MONA OGG

To the Editor:

Why is the Mona Ogg called the Mona Ogg  when her
first name is Gytha??

>>Phbbbttbbbtt! You think it  should have been called
>>the Gytha Lisa instead? :P

No, it  should be the Mona Gytha, shouldn't it?

>>Heeheehee, I think  you've just made me invent one of Nanny's
>>daughters-in-law: Lisa  Ogg.

(This is a somewhat confused exchange between The Snow Queen
and  Annie Mack.)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

11)  ONWARD VEGGIE VAMPIRES

Our hard-working Convention News Editor Anna  Conina
will, of course, be at the Minicon. We would be very  grateful
for your help with her musical  efforts.

We're working on a filk song to the tune of  Onward
Christian Soldiers for her DW Vampire costume,
and would appreciate  your creative efforts.  Here's
what we have so far.

(You  can certainly improve on this, which is being
written at 11:53 PM on January  29th by your
convalescing old editor who needs all the help
he can  get.)

ONWARD VEGGIE VAMPIRES

Onward Veggie  Vampires
Bloodfree for all time
When the craving hits you
Just think  "cocoa time"

At the smell of cocoa
Evil Vampires flee
Pick up  your stinking cocoa cup
And give a sip to me

Like a mighty army,
Our black ribbons go
We will gain acceptance
(Just when we do not  know)

Crowns and thrones may perish
Kingdoms rise and  wane
And the smell of cocoa
Is driving us insane

Yes, the  smell of cocoa is
Making us a wreck
All we really want to do
Is bite  you on the neck

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
8)  THE FINAL  PUZZLE: GOING POSTAL
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

When  we reached the latest DW book, GOING POSTAL, we decided
to hold off  publishing the puzzle until November to eliminate complaints
of  "spoilers,"  and we were going to publish the solution in December.

Alas, as you know, I was stricken with a heart attack in December
and  our Managing Editor Annie Mack nobly volunteered to get the issue
out with  the help of Anna M.C. and other key staff members.  She even
alerted (to  their great surprise) our Emergency Staff.

But I could not get the  solution to the puzzle to her, as I was lying in
a hospital bed hooked up to  all sorts of IV's and monitors and
communicating through my son  Mark.

You'll all be delighted to hear that I survived, and am doing much  better.
And so, for what it's worth, here is the long awaited solution  to
GOING  POSTAL:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1.  Author of "Pins" (middle name, 4th letter)
J. LANUGO  OWLSBURY = U
2. The Chief Engineer of  the Grand Trunk (last name, 3rd letter)
GEORGE PONY =  N
3. A pseudonym of Moist von Lipwig  (last name, 5th letter)
ALFRED SPANGLER =  G
4. Worshipful Master of the Order of the  Post (first name, 1st letter)
GEORGE AGGY = G
5.  Cockatoo who says "Twelve and a half percent! (6th letter of  name)
ALPHONSE = N
6. Minor goddess of things that stick in drawers (4th letter of  name)
ANOIA = I
7. Nickname of the head of The  Golem Trust (4th letter of name)
SPIKE =  K
8. Mayor of Sto Lat (first name,  2nd letter)
JOE CAMELS = O
9. Golem who spent 9,000  years under the sea (did not
live in a pineapple) (6th  letter of name)
ANGHAMMARAD = M
10. An Apprentice  Postman (first name, 1st letter)
STANLEY =  S
11. Head of the Grand Trunk   (first name, 2nd letter)
REACHER GILT =  E
12. Owner of a ladies' hairdressing establishment (last name,  1st letter)
MR. HUGO = H
13. The Post Office cat (1st  letter of name)
MR. TIDDLES = T

U_/ N_/G/G_/N_/I/  K_/O/M/ S/ E /H_/T_/  = Group who defeated the
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/  5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/      Grand Trunk  management
= THE SMOKING GNU

Future puzzles will start over again with THE COLOUR OF  MAGIC,
in a new puzzle format next month, unless some of our  puzzle
addicts have other ideas or suggestions.  Please write the  editor,
Joe Schaumburger, jschaum111@...   Winning idea  will
get a prize.12)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If   you did not get all 3 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End  of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
January 2005  (Volume 8, Issue  1)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME  is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion  and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor  in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor:  Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: Jared Hays
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan  Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky  Swaney
Convention News Editor: Anna M.Conina
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins,  disk@...
Copyright 2005 by Klatchian Foreign  Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part  1

EDITORIAL

1) TERRY'S NEW BOOKS FOR 2005
2) DW STAMPS ON  TOUR
3) NEWS FROM TERRY'S AGENT
4) TERRY IS GOH AT MINICON 40
5) DW  THEATER
6) 2005 DW CON IN GERMANY

====Part 2

7) TERRY ON THE  AIR
8) BOOKS IN A MINUTE
9)  CROSS-STITCHING
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10) LETTERS FROM OUR  READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* SMALL GODS
* MONA OGG
11) ONWARD  VEGGIE VAMPIRES
12)  THE FINAL PUZZLE:  GOING  POSTAL

====Part 3

13) THE NEW DISC  HOROSCOPE


ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part  1

EDITORIAL

Well, here we are in 2005.  I almost didn't make  it, due to
a post-Christmas Dinner heart attack, but have survived --
to  my great astonishment -- and so the presses roll on.

I won't both you  with the details, except to say it was
quite horrible and left me stuck on  something called
the Ornish Diet, which is very stark -- all veggies and
not much else -- not even olive oil.  Aargh.

Aside from that,  2005 looks like a good year for us.
DW cons are springing up all over the  world with some
big ones set for Australia, Spain, Germany, and the  U.K.
Will keep you posted.

Also, Terry will be the Guest of Honor at  Minicon 40
in the U.S. and there will be a special program  honoring
Discworld.

Our KFL sister group in Spain has grown to over  1500
members with fans in Spain and much of South and
Central America,  and Mexico.

As for WOSSNAME, we've experienced a slow, steady
increase, and our membership is approaching 2,000.
Our staff is in good  shape and we are set for another
big year.

Highlight of 2004 was, of  course, TP's appearance at
the WorldCon in Boston, where he was not only the
GOH, but where one of our own people awarded him
a special KFL kepi (one  of them thar French Foreign
Legion hats) and proclaimed him Commandant of  the
KFL to the roars of the multitudes.

So we've come up in the  world, and the future looks
good for the KFL. As for me, I keep looking  around
for Binky, but so far, he has not turned up and I shall
push  on.

I'd like to offer special thanks to our managing editor,
Annie  Mack, and our convention news editor, Anna
Conina, who managed to get out the  December issue
without much input from me, since I was all wired up
like  a Christmas tree and couldn't help at all except
via messages through my son  Mark. God bless you
ladies, you saved the day.

And to all our devoted  readers, who have put up with us
for so many years, all I can say is, "It's  great to be back."

-- JOE  SCHAUMBURGER
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) TERRY'S  NEW BOOKS FOR 2005

Darwin's Watch: Science of Discworld III is  scheduled
to be published May 5 according to  Amazon.co.uk.
http://tinyurl.com/4s6u5

Synopsis:
Roundworld is in  trouble again, and this time it looks
fatal. Having created it in the first  place, the
wizards of Unseen University feel vaguely responsible
for its  safety. They know the creatures who lived
there escaped the impending Big  Freeze by inventing
the space elevator - they even intervened to rid  the
planet of a plague of elves, who attempted to divert
humanity onto a  different time track. But now it's all
gone wrong - Victorian England has  stagnated and the
pace of progress would embarrass a limping snail.
Unless  something drastic is done, there won't be time
for anyone to invent  spaceflight and the human race
will be turned into ice-pops. Why, though, did  history
come adrift? Was it Sir Arthur Nightingale's dismal
book about  natural selection? Or was it the
devastating response by an obscure country  vicar
called Charles Darwin, whose bestselling Theology of
Species made it  impossible to refute the divine design
of living creatures? Either way, it's  no easy task to
change history, as the wizards discover to their cost.
Can  the God of Evolution come to humanity's aid and
ensure Darwin writes a very  different book? And who
stopped him writing it in the first  place?

Coming in October 2005 will be THUD, a new City
Watch novel,  described by Terry as "a good, old-
fashioned murder mystery with political  overtones."
We also get to meet the first vampire to join the
Watch,  described as a 51-year old vampire who
looks like a 16-year old girl.   Vimes is not
enthusiastic about  this.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) DW STAMPS ON  TOUR

The alt.fan.pratchett group has announced that they are  taking
Discworld Stamps to "real" stamp fairs, and have signed up for
two  so far:

22 January - Salisbury Stamp Fair, United Reform Church  Hall,
Fisherton St, Salisbury UK

23-27 February Stampex, Business  Design Centre, Islingto, London

They say they would be very pleased to  see any of you who can
pop along, though Bernard can't make  Salisbury.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) NEWS  FROM TERRY'S AGENT

Colin Smythe reports some news on  translations:

Finland. Karisto are taking licences for MEN AT ARMS and
SOUL MUSIC

Norway: Tiden Norsk are taking LORDS AND  LADIES

France: L'Atalante have just published Patrick Couton's
translation of THE AMAZING MAURICE

Germany: Piper will be publishing  ERIC in both illustrated
and unillustrated formats, as well as issuing The  Science
of Discworld 2 and 3

Russia: Eksmo will be publishing THE  UNADULTERATED
CAT. (It was last published in Russian in 1994, jointly by
Vagrius (Moscow) and Belvagrius  (Minsk).
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) TERRY TO BE  GUEST OF HONOR AT MINICON 40

Minicon 40, March 25-27 (Easter Weekend)  will be held at the Sheraton
Bloomington South in Bloomington  Minnesota.  Minicon is one of the oldest
regional conventions and is  proud to have Terry Pratchett as its guest.
The con will feature Discworld  and "Pratchett" programming as well as a
"Minicon Fortean" theme featuring  unusual phenomena in fact and fiction.
Bigfoot sightings are  likely.

Other guests include Jim Young, SF author and one of the founders  of
Minicon and the Minnesota SF club, MN-STF and Fastner and Larson  (Steve
Fastner and Rich Larson) two artists many will recognize from book  covers,
comics and more. Many other authors and artists attend Minicon as  well.

Minicon also features an art show, dealers room filled with  books,
jewelry, and miscellany, video programming, a writers' workshop and  much
more.

Registration for Minicon is currently $40.00 until March  1;
$50 at the door. The mailing address is Minicon 40  PO Box 8297   Lake
Street Station, Minneapolis, MN 55408.

Hotel rates are $82 single  -quad; poolside party rooms are available. It
is located at 7800 Normandale  Road, in Bloomington; 1-800-325-3535 and
mention Minicon.

For more  information, please visit the website at  www.mnstf.org/minicon/
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5)  DW THEATER

AUSTRALIA:

Unseen Theatre Company of Adelaide,  Australia reports it will present
Terry Pratchett's INTERESTING TIMES from  March 17 to April 2
(Wednesdays to Saturdays) at 8 pm at the  Bakehouse  Theatre,
255 Angas Street, Adelaide.  Tickets will be: Adults $15,
Concession $12, Groups (10 or more) $10.  There is also a
Thai Hutt  Dinner Deal for $30 (meal and theatre ticket).

The oldest and most  inscrutable empire on the Discworld
is in turmoil, brought about by the  revolutionary treatise
"What I Did On My Holidays" written by Twoflower -  the
Discworld's first tourist.

Workers are uniting, with nothing to  lose but their water
buffaloes. Warlords are struggling for power.

All that stands in the way of terrible doom for everyone is
Rincewind  the inept Wizzard, a group of toy-rabbit-wielding
rebels, an army of  terracotta warriors,  and The Silver Horde
led by Cohen the Barbarian  Hero.

For bookings, call:  BASS 131246 or Betty  82962004
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

UK:

The Prince of Wales Centre Youth Theatre will be performing 'Guards!  Guards!'
at the Prince of Wales Centre in Cannock, Staffordshire on the 17th,  18th
and 19th of February. Doors open at 7:00 pm for a 7:30 start.

Tickets are GBP 6.00 for adults, GBP 4.50 for concession. For groups  of
10 or more there is a special discount price of GBP3.00 per ticket  available
for Thursday night's performance.

In 1135, a hen was  arrested for crowing on Soul Cake Thursday.  In 1401,
a colony of bats  was arrested for persistent curfew violations.  Now,
Constable
Carrot has joined the Night Watch and is trying to arrest a 70-foot  long fire
breathing dragon for burning down the Old Watch House.

Please contact the Box Office on (01543) 578762 to book your  tickets
in  advance.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) 2005 DW  CON IN GERMANY

Ankh-Morpork - The German Terry Pratchett Fan Club -- is  holding
its second cooperative convention with Tolkiens Erben e.V. at the
Freusburg near Siegen in Germany from August 18 through 21, 2005.

Like last year there will be a combined program of Discworld
and  Tolkien activities (including the presentation of Discworld-games,
baking  dwarf-bread, performing the stick-and-bucket-dance and many more),
gallons of  mead and medieval music. To order tickets, contact Jens at:
www.schicksalsfest.net

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
End  of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of  3




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
13)   THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia  Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

This  month I want to talk about diseases. We already know of the
many ailments to  which persons born under certain Signs are
susceptible, but I'd like to be  frank and warn you about some
other, lesser known ones. After all, forewarned  is forearmed, and
it's truly amazing what awful thing can happen to one's  forearms
if one isn't careful.

Have a healthy month and watch out for  ordinary-sized people
carrying tartan print measuring  tapes...


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


The Adamant  Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

Your disease to beware is: thurps

A  type of rash, thurpos granulatus, caused by oversensitivity to
brassica  products...this in turn can be caused by simple overexposure
to cabbages,  broccoli and sprouts. Thurps is most prevalent among Sto
plains vegetable  growers, but there have been recent outbreaks in
girls' boarding schools and  the HRH Magrat Academy of Philosophical
Vegetarianism. It is characterised by  woody patches on the limbs, a
faint greenish skin tint and a disturbing  odour...the best known cure
for thurps is a vigorous thrice-daily application  of fish and chips,
though chips alone seem to have a positive  effect.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips   21 Apr - 21 May

Your disease to beware is: abneghm

Abneghm is a  combination of forgetfulness and severe runny nose. This
illness is thought  to have come originally from Bhangbhangduc in the
form of microscopic  haemogoblins, although there is new evidence that
it is a herrydeterry  predisposition in some Chalk and Lancre families,
where it occurs in the very  young and the very old. For those prone
to abneghm, it is best to always  carry a good supply of clean dry
hankies, since sufferers won't remember to  bring them when it really
matters. Abneghm is no respecter of age and can  strike all classes of
society from the highest to the Nobbs. It's an  unforgettable ailment
- erm, no it's  not.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May  - 21 Jun

Your disease to beware is: lacquititis

Lacquititis is an  uncontrollable desire to orate whilst drinking
milk. The first known victim  was Ephebian philosopher Snarkimedius
who, on a teaching visit to the Queen  of Hersheba, found himself
suddenly surprised in her milk-bath and forced to  duck his head below
the surface - of the bath, you naughty people! - as he  was reaching
the conclusion of a learned discourse...the poor man's career,  among
other things, was cut short, but he will always be associated  with
lacquititis. Sufferers of this ailment are also prone to  expletosis,
that even more embarrassing condition made famous by  Bonk
psychologist Tou-Rhetz.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The  Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Your disease to beware is:  fromagism

Note: not the same as fromagus (a wizard specialising in  fromagomancy
or cheese magic. You don't want to know about this one, and  you
*definitely* don't want to know about The Rinds...fromagism is  a
little-known disorder of the blood that is thought to be caused by  the
spores of the rennet bush which, upon entering one's  bloodstream,
multiply rapidly and soon cause attacks of curds and whey.  Some
sufferers actually believe themselves to be cheese products -  one
Fosgrove Probable, a Sto Lat biscuit-polisher, has won ribbons  of
distinction in four Quirmian dairy  exhibitions.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Your disease to beware is:  skarpleosury

Also known as skarple tunnel syndrome, skarpleosury affects  the
skarple tunnel, the invisible but all-important travel area  between
hand and mouth when imbibing reannuals and beverages made  from
orchard fruits. This illness tends to come in waves in the  warm
seasons and during major public holidays and can lay waste to  entire
pubs, hence its other appellation, Innkeeper's Ruin. Oddly  enough,
skarpleosury is also found to be rife among sherry-drinking ladies  of
a certain age. Most famous sufferer: Mostly Apples, a Lancre  worm
farmer known for his wandering eye. No,  really.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug  - 23 Sept

Your disease to beware is: Wohrgeist syndrome

Related to  the Chimeran wardegris, a disease of oxen, and also to
Butch Elm  Fungus...symptoms of Wohrgeist include growths of moss on
one's north side,  mysterious attacks of bad Uberwaldean accents, and
an irrepressible urge to  commit gloomy philosophy on the blissfully
ignorant. First observed in the  Bad Badlerhoibraun district of Upper
Borogravia, this unfortunate ailment was  exported to Ankh-Morpork by
one Frenz Hockbrawn in a shipment of aged timber;  despite a long and
profitable career as a woodcutter, he was mistaken for a  small oak
due to the thickness of his moss deposits, and ended his days  as
several rather attractive door  panels.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of  Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Your disease to beware is: estifole or  estifolary

Estifole is the tendency to develop small, complete rivers on  one's
person. Severe attacks have been known to also afflict the  sufferer
with bridges, water meadows, tiny paddleboats and in the worst  cases,
tidal bores. In the tertiary stage, some patients may  experience
persistent fjords. The causes of estifole are as yet unknown, but  the
recommended treatment is a two-month visit to desert highlands or  a
term of duty in the Klatchian Foreign Legion...a related  disorder,
tectonic sclerosis [also known as Richter's palsy], is being  studied
with great interest, especially as victims exhibit some  fascinating
fault lines and are prone to sudden outbreaks of mountain ranges  at
formal dinners.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the  Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

Your disease to beware is:  phthiphiuth

A condition involving coughing and lisping like an Igor. This  is
messier than abneghm but involves far less forgetfulness. It
generally  begins when, in a moment of jollity, one attempts to
faithfully render  Igor-speech aloud and finds that one cannot thtop
- then ath one getth  embarrathed and trieth to clear one'th throat,
the coughing beginth, and by  the time one getth to the thneething,
it'th very meththy indeed...thee, erm,  see what I mean? Dried Frog
Pills are good for curing phthipiuth, as is  blowing into a paper bag
and counting to seven plus one. For Igors born with  a speech
impediment, these remedies will have a positive opposite  effect,
rapidly bringing on a fine tradithional  lithp.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23  Nov - 21 Dec

Your disease to beware is: caledonia  nervosa

Caledonia nervosa: the morbid fear of becoming a Nac Mac Feegle  or
pictsie. Sufferers will stand for hours in front of mirrors,
searching  for signs of bright red hair and blue skin, and feel a
constant compulsion to  measure themselves in the belief that this
will prevent a height of six  inches from sneaking down on them. The
first sign of this socially disruptive  disease is a predilection for
shouting "Crivens!" and "Och the noo, bigjobs!"  Then comes the
unnatural preoccupation with sheep, and the urge to steal  anything
not nailed down [N.B.: see also entry for carpuloses].  Caledonia
nervosa tends to make young women break out in attacks of keldas,  and
in extreme cases causes the wearing of Burberry plaids. Sadly,  there
is no cure for  *that*.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22  Dec - 20 Jan

Your disease to beware is: carpuloses

Carpuloses is  the Discly equivalent of kleptomania...and general,
erm, seizing of...things.  This disease is one of the rare few shared
by persons and corvids alike, by  the way. Carpuloses victims often
wake in the mornings to find their pockets  full of unfamiliar string,
Klatchian coins, betel nuts, slumpie, coal, cards  with strange clacks
numbers on them, Aunty Flo's best cutlery, little  brightly coloured
drinks parasols, shoehorns, water buffalo, and sheets of  stationery
embossed with From The Desk Of H. Vetinari, Patrician.  Some
sufferers, unable to effect a cure, become  bailiffs.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large  Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

Your disease to beware is: aun-wi

An  Agatean variety of communicable depression, aun-wi often tends to
afflict  young women who wear a lot of black lace, too much mascara,
and pretend to  dabble in dark magic...characterised by much sighing
and heaving of bosoms,  an avoidance of fresh air, poor appetite - or
an overdependence on chocolate  assortments - and yawning during
afternoon tea, aun-wi can strike at any age  but the worst documented
cases to date have been among females of the  newly-wealthy merchant
classes. Women of good old stock sometimes suffer  aun-wi but are far
too polite to mention  it.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19  Feb - 20 Mar

Your disease to beware is: tinker's drought

Whoever  named this unfortunate illness was a wag and no mistake - it
does *not*  involve dryness. Trust me on this. Um. I think perhaps we
should talk about  other illnesses at this juncture. Like influencia,
for example - that  imp's-egg infestation that causes large numbers of
usually sensible people to  suddenly invest in nonexistent overseas
properties...or the uncommon cold, a  Howondaland virus that manifests
itself in icicles on embarrassing body  parts...or the Ankh Staggers.
You know where you are with diseases like  those. Your friends - and
ladyfriends - aren't prone to laugh at diseases  like those. But
tinker's drought? Let's not go  there.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

... and  there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at  jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them  directly to Miss Asterisk.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 3 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright  (c) 2005 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- FEBRARY 2005 -- PART 4 OF  5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

12)  SIMILARITIES: VIMES vs. PEEL: Part I

How Terry Pratchett Created Vimes  and The Watch
-- Parallels with Sir Robert Peel and the Metropolitan
Police Force

by Lucy Smith

The Creation of Vimes:

In  our first encounter with the character of Vimes,
Pratchett portrays him as a  stereotypical down and
out copper, a drunken useless part of a law  enforcement
agency that is considered to be of no use to the city,
which  it is supposed to serve.

This is in fact ironic as he is portrayed as  loving the city
still even though it seems to regard him as of no use.
This is shown in his drunken ramblings on page 10 of
"Guards Guards",  "The city wasa, wasa, wasa, wosname.
Thing. Woman...let you fall in thingy,  love, with her, then
kicked you inna, inna, thingy. Thingy, in your mouth.
Tongue. Tonsils. Teeth. That's what it, she, did...
Only thing you were  sure of, you couldn't let her go.
Because, because she was yours, all you  had, even in
her gutters...".

This strategy of introducing the  character immediately
creates reader empathy with the character as it shows
that this character does indeed have a softer side, even
though it seems  at the moment to be hidden under vast
quantities of alcohol.

The  development of Vimes' character seems to progress
slightly with the entrance  of Carrot Ironfoundersson, technically
a dwarf, who takes the laws of  Ankh-Morpork somewhat too
literally, arresting the head of the guild of  thieves on his first day
as a watch member. It is the introduction of this  character that
seems to bring out the real policeman in Vimes, the two seem
initially to be almost complete opposites. Carrot, a naive new
recruit  trying to uphold what he sees as a "fine tradition" of watchmen.
While Vimes  is a disillusioned long time copper, who is just trying
to get through the  night without having to sober up too much.

The contrast of these two  characters make for much deeper reader
engagement in the plot of the story,  as Vimes' stereotypical character
seems to develop on many levels. To coin a  phrase from the author
himself, "Vimes starts out as a typical noir copper  (although they're
usually private detectives): fighting the bottle, no real  personal life,
a basically good man who has got a bit tarnished over the  years.".

The evidence after that point seems to suggest that the  introduction
of new characters forces Vimes' character to sober up, and allow
the good policing instincts underneath to shine through. Allowing
the  reader to relate to the man's personal struggle, and his heartfelt
desire to  be a good copper and put things right.

After the adventures in the book  "Guards Guards" the profile
of the watch is raised and more people are  willing to join.
This elevates Vimes' personal status, against his will, and  also
the status of the watch as a functioning part of the city.  Whereas
before events in this book the guilds of the city were left to police
themselves, now Vimes' watch are considered to be a neutral
law  enforcement agency, capable of policing the city and routing
out any  corruption they may find, including within various guilds.

By the time  we get to the book "The Fifth Elephant" Vimes'
character has progressed a  great deal. Although his social status
is now that of a duke, and he appears  to be being groomed for a
more political role in the inter-country  relations, his character is
still portrayed as a cynical if somewhat more  diplomatic policeman.
The reader can still empathise with the man being  somewhat
attached to his social roots.

It is in this story the  reader is introduced  in more detail to the
side of Vimes' character  that he refers to as "The Beast". This, quite
simply, is the part that every  one has inside them and that we all try
to control. These are the raw,  negative emotions that well up inside
us all from time to time.

"Make them stay wolves, said a little inner voice. The more time
they spent on four legs the less bright they'd become. A deeper voice,
ed and raw, from much, much further inside said, Kill 'em all!".

The  description of this "beast" is given in a first person narrative by
Vimes  himself. This narrative style outlines to the reader exactly
how Vimes feels  about this part of his personality, from a personal
perspective. Pratchett  also uses this technique to covey to the reader
how Vimes uses his "beast"  to his advantage when in dangerous
situations. Yet he still fears what could  happen if it took over and
controlled him.

Pratchett also shows  Vimes' wife's view of his personality, and how
it differs greatly from  Vimes' own and the views of other characters.
She perceives him as much  gentler, yet she too ponders on his true
capabilities if the part of him he  refers to as the beast ever gets out.

"Most of her would not have  considered Sam Vimes guilty of murder,...
But stories did get back to  her...There'd been that bad business with
that little girl and those men  over at the Dolly sisters, and when Sam
had broken into the men's lodging he  found one of them had stolen one
of her shoes, and she'd heard Detritus say  that if he hadn't been there
only Sam would have walked out of the room  alive.".

This device of bringing in other characters views of Vimes, and  using
stories to deepen his character, increases reader empathy to an even
greater extent. The majority of readers will relate to this story of Vimes,
and his desire to let the "beast" loose on these men. Therefore they feel
that they have a greater understanding of his personality and how he thinks.

The final instalment so far of the development of Vimes' character
is seen in the book "Night Watch". This is where Pratchett uses the
comparative tool of showing the reader Vimes, not only in his current
stage of development, but also as young "wet behind the ears" new
recruit thirty years in his past. This literary tool Pratchett uses of
showing
the two developmental stages of Vimes at a parallel to each other is
extremely effective in increasing the reader empathy that has already
been formed. This perspective of Vimes, before his lapse into alcoholism
and disillusionment at the effectiveness of the watch as an institution,
is seen from his own future self and told to the reader in the first person
perspective. This style helps to illustrate the extent to which Pratchett
has allowed Vimes' character to develop, and also explains to the reader
how Vimes became the man he is.

Vimes encounters his younger self and  the reader hears his thoughts
on how he perceives himself back then, "Gods,  was I ever that skinny?
He thought. Did I ever have that much Adam's apple?  Did I really try
to polish rust?". This extract illustrates how Vimes'  memory of himself
differs greatly from his real perception of himself, upon  this initial
encounter in his own past. This is something a reader can  relate to,
as they are able to identify with the concept that personal  memories
of past events can often be misleading of the actual  event.

Another example of the development of Vimes' character by  Pratchett
is apparent in Vimes' realisation that his policing instincts, as  he
perceives them in his older self, were indeed present in him when
he  was younger. Pratchett illustrates this to the reader in the
following  extract, "Do you recognise Ned? Said Sam...Only before
you came he said he  thought he remembered you from Pseudopolis...
Can't say I recall him, Vimes  said, with care....Well, Ned was
probably shorter in those days, said Vimes  while his thoughts
shouted: shut up kid! But the kid was ... well, him.  Niggling at
little details. Tugging at things that didn't seem to fit right.
Being a copper, in fact. Probably he ought to feel proud of his
younger  self, but he didn't." Pratchett uses this self-assessment,
by Vimes, of his  younger self to show the reader that Vimes'
instincts as a copper were  always there, and that he is a
natural copper from the outset.

This  is the final instalment so far in the development of Vimes'
character.  Pratchett uses many different narrative tools and
strategies, to great  effect in the creation and development of
Vimes. These devices all help to  create greater reader empathy
with Vimes, and help the reader gain greater  understanding of how
and why Pratchett chooses to develop Vimes' character  in this way.
This particular tool is very interesting as Pratchett is using  the
story of Vimes' initial experiences in the watch, seen from his
own  perspective in his later life, to show the reader how his
own memories of  his progression through life are somewhat
misconstrued. The reader will  relate to this experience personally,
and see how this process is apparent  in everyone's life, and that
personal memories are deceptive. Pratchett  skilfully uses Vimes'
character in its past and present states to highlight  that Vimes
was always a good copper, and it was just society's perception
of the usefulness of this role that created his disillusionment
with his  position, and his resulting problems. This is indeed
effective as it  provides a kind of send up of the history of the
civilised world, and its  changing perceptions of the need for law
enforcement. It also provides  multiple views on the effects this
change has, on those who work for this  part of society and their lives.

The Creation of The Watch

As with  the creation of Vimes' character, Pratchett first introduces
us to the  concept of The Watch as a unit by using stereotypical
portrayal. This  portrayal is of a dysfunctional law enforcement
agency, with low public  confidence and even lower team morale.
The first narrative strategy  Pratchett uses to achieve this is through
the narrated thoughts of  recollection from the previous day, as
perceived from Vimes' own memory. "It  had been a bad day for
The Watch. There had been the funeral of Herbert  Gaskin, for one
thing. Poor old Gaskin. He had broken one of the fundamental  rules
of being a guard. It wasn't the sort of rule that someone like Gaskin
could break twice. And so he'd been lowered into the sodden ground
with  the rain drumming on his coffin and no-one present to mourn him
but the three  surviving members of the Night Watch, the most
despised group of men in the  entire city." Through this example of
the reminiscing of Vimes' character,  Pratchett initially draws the
readers' attention to the societies view of  The Watch and its men,
and how this has affected the men's opinions of  themselves.

Pratchett also cleverly uses this section of narration to  describe
to the reader the smallness of the group, and its effectiveness as  a
law enforcement agency. The fact that there are only three remaining
Watchmen with no apparent family or friends illustrates clearly the
loneliness and poor status of the job. The point that, the very men
intended to be enforcing the laws of the city, and who risk their lives
for doing so with any enthusiasm, receive no thanks from society
as a  whole is designed to engage the readers empathy with the Watch.
The concept  that these men only gain resentment and hatred from
the people, instead of  the praise they deserve, is yet another method
used by Pratchett to add to  the readers' empathy. This causes the
reader to feel sorry for the men of  the Watch, and encourages them
in wanting to learn more of their  plight.

Pratchett then progresses the development of The Watch in their
first story, in a similar way to the way in which Vimes' character is
developed. The two develop alongside each other with the same
apparent  catalyst to initiate the progression. Pratchett presents
this catalyst in  the form of the character Carrot Ironfoundersson.
As with Vimes, it is upon  the introduction of Carrott to the plot,
by Pratchett, that the changes  begin. Pratchett uses Carrott's
seemingly naïve character, to contrast with  the already tarnished
characters of Sergeant Fred Colon and Corporal Nobby  Nobbs.
(continued on Part  II)

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If  you did not get all 5 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
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End  of Part 4, says my computer -- continued on Part 5 of  5




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WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2005 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)
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6)  FAN FILM PROJECT

Cap'n Hector reports there is a fan-produced,  nano-budget,
feature length film of Lords and Ladies. See the website  at:
http://www.rzuser.uni-heidelberg.de/~jknoblo2/LnL/index.html

They  claim it will be available on DVD in May  2005.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) PUMPKIN  MEET

Date: 24th February 2005
Venue: downtown Melbourne and Automatic  Cafe at Crown
Attending: Jerm, the Annie Formerly Known as Dru, SteVen,  Libwolf, Matt,
Mad Meg Mogg, and lots of mosquitos

Jerm had phoned  (and emailed the denizens of BU) to say he'd be spending
a week in the  Dreaming City of Melnibourne and would be happy to attend
several Meets. I  immediately said, "Noooo! I'm never never never
organising another MelMeet  again! After all the work I put in - however
willingly and happily - on  Snowfest, I deserve at least a year off
duty!" Needless to say, the rush of  other volunteer organisers was less
than diluvian. So eventually I posted a  notice that Jerm was available
for lunch in the City and dinner at Automatic  on the 24th, and went and
hid in a corner...

Came the 24th, and  suddenly "diluvian" was the right word for the flurry
of phone calls and  text messages that arrived in my phone. So SteVen and
I met Jerm for a  pleasant Auriental lunch at a sushi bar, during which
we caught up on the  many things that had occurred since we'd last seen
each other more than a  year previously, and then met later with the rest
for what turned out to be  a very pleasant meal on the riverside verandah
of Automatic Cafe. We  discussed many things including Pterry as
philosopher, Granny as superhero,  Hania Ogg as being the *real* Young
Gytha, and rather a lot about mosquitos  (especially "why do they always
head straight for European blood?"). As  evening fell (and the mozzies
descended), the famous Crown gas flares began;  these are vast pillars
topped by, yes, gas flares that light up in sequence  for a few minutes,
every hour on the hour at night. Apart from being  spectacular to watch -
think of a pyromaniac's version of festive fireworks  - they're also
bloody hot! We could feel our faces peeling every time the  nearby ones
went off. By the time the third round of flares started, we  realised
that we'd been there for rather a long time, and started making our  way
to various homes, pausing briefly to thank the manager and staff for
fawning over us so fawningly - all because of a teensy rivet that was
hiding in my pasta. Nice clean rivet, too. Oh well, complimentary
glasses of wine are never to be sneezed at.

PumpkinMeet will  continue, but not until this current WOSSNAME
is already published  :-)

-- Drusilla  D'Afanguin
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8)  PUZZLE

One of the big puzzles this month is where is the puzzle?
I had  a chap named Jared Hays lined up as puzzle editor
before I had my heart  attack on Christmas Day, but in the
ensuing confusion with many hands on the  WOSSNAME
throttle, his name and address seems to have vanished.
Jared,  where are you?

In the meantime, I suggest some simple puzzle  activities
like: how many words can you make out of

CARROT  IRONFOUNDERSSON

No two letter words, needless to say.  This is the  big time.
Come home, Jared.   Please.

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LETTERS  FROM OUR  READERS
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9) MY  LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER

To the Editor:

I can't stand Rincewind,  and any book where he is the
major character is spoilt for me.  So I've  only read Interesting
Times a couple of times, and ditto for the Last  Continent, though I
will read the bits of that one with the other wizards  in.

Likewise I don't really like The Colour of Magic or the second one
(the name has gone right out of my head right now!).  I don't think
Terry really hit his stride until Unequal Rites.

I agree that the  best are the City Watch series and the Witches.  But
most of all  anything with Vetnari in (sigh ......)

Just my twopennyworth  ....

--  Alison
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10) SMALL  GODS AND BIG COMPLAINTS

To the Editor:

Strangely, I found Small  Gods pretty hard to get
through, the first time round. Then I tried it  again,
about a year later, and it was one of the most amazing
books I'd  read. It was deep, human, and still packed
with the sort of humour that I can  appreciate
("Hmm...I think I could do something with a pair of
revolving  balls..." "Funny you should mention that,
but when we shot up into the air  like that...") (I'm
paraphrasing madly, but my copy of the book is  576km
north of where I am!). I find the same sort of deeply
compassionate  humanity (er, like, assertion of what it
means to be human; I can't explain  this very well)
recurs in Night Watch, which is probably why it's one
of  my most favouritest Pratchetts.

-- Graeme  Caselton
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11)  PRATCHETT vs WODEHOUSE

To the Editor:

I have been reading through  old messages on this board and find that
there seem to be a number of P.G.  Wodehouse enthusiasts (or used to
be, at any rate).
I was re-reading  Going Postal last night, and was struck by how like
Wodehouse one passage  sounded.  It's on P.135-136 (Hard back edition).
Moist is discussing  what little he remembers of the previous night
with Mr. Pump.  Their  conversation suddenly struck me as uncannilly
like many similar  conversations between Bertie Wooster and Jeeves,
especially one  part:

"I did in Fact Try to Clean Your Suit With Spot Remover, Sir" said
Mr. Pump. But Since It Was Effectively Just One Large Spot.It Removed
The Whole Suit."
"I liked that suit!  At least you could have saved  it for dusters, or
something."
"I'm Sorry, Sir.  I'd Assumed That  Dusters Had Been Saved For Your
Suit."
In fact, the whole Moist/Mr. Pump  set-up is rather like the
relationship between Bertie and Jeeves, with  Jeeves politely but
relentlessly forcing Bertie to do the right  thing.

Does anyone agree?  Or disagree?  Or anything?

--  Sylvia

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End  of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of  5
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If  you did not get all 5 parts, write:  jschaum111@...





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WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2005 -- PART 2 OF 5 (continued)
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====Part  2

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7)  YOUR  MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia  Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Now is  the time of year, on Roundworld and on worlds of more shall we
say flattish  persuasions, when the thoughts of many turn to prayer.
Of course it has  *nothing* to do with tax collectors, perish the
thought! But a good heartfelt  prayer never goes amiss - though
whether or not they'll be answered is up to  the gods, of course. And
on that note, did you know that every Sign has its  own patron saint?
Whether you be Omnian, Djeli, Silicarian or a devotee of  Blind Io,
Offler, Bel-Shamharoth, Seven-handed Sek or even of the Small  Gods,
you fall under the capricious protection of some saint or other.  Why,
some Signs even have more than one patron saint! - in the case of  the
Small Boring Group of Faint Stars, Cori Celesti knows they're  needed!
So get out your beads and your incense and your small  sacrificial
animals and prepare to whip off a good 'un. After all, the  squeaking
wheel gets the grease, to say nothing of the sausage inna  bun.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar -  20 Apr

Your patron saint is Saint Nucleous

Saint Nucleous, once  the Bishop of Shazza, was known for his
generosity. By long tradition, this  saint's day is celebrated by the
giving and sharing of gifts and diseases.  Many a schoolchild's prayer
for convenient fevers and stomach-aches has been  answered by Saint
Nucleous, who is also the patron saint of licenced beggars,  wedding
planners and pox doctors. According to legend, Nucleous was  once
walking along a lonely road when he came upon a ragged beggar  and
immediately whipped his cloak out of his backpack and insisted  the
unfortunate wight put it on. The fact that this was in the  Klatchian
desert and the beggar soon perished of heat exhaustion has been  the
source of lively theological debate for centuries. Suggested  useful
sacrifices: cloves; bread mould; napkin rings;  tinsel.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips   21 Apr - 21 May

Your patron saint is Saint Haberdash

Haberdash was  a famously virtuous and thrifty man in life, and in
death he presides over  the hopes and wishes of the inappropriately
dressed. The patron saint of  hatters, cobblers, weavers and fashion
victims, Saint Haberdash's day is  marked by the burning of old
clothes (except those suitable for giving to  your neighbourhood
witches) and the wearing of embarrassing heirlooms.  Popular wisdom
has it that those who offend this saint will find themselves  unable
to resist the compulsion to turn their caps around back to  front,
although it is a little hard to believe that the entire  teenaged
population of Ankh-Morpork has committed such transgression.  Saint
Haberdash should never be prayed to on royal race days; be assured  he
won't answer! Suggested useful sacrifices: ribbons; bows;  buttons;
pressed flowers; surreys with fringe on  top.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May -  21 Jun

Your patron saint is Saint Nadz

Bernheim Nadz the  Twice-Blessed was originally a native of Uberwald
whose sudden epiphany  caused him to set aside his thriving edible
socks business and travel the  world spreading messages of love.
Divine love, brotherly love, neighbourly  love, and of course frequent
and negotiable affection. Saint Nadz is the  patron saint of
confectioners, jewellers, romantic poets, confirmed bachelors  and
makers of hygienic rubber products. It is said that a short,  sincere
prayer to Saint Nadz will melt the hearts of the stoniest  of
prospective in-laws; his name is frequently invoked at  crossbow
weddings and by sweaty-palmed suitors. Suggested useful  sacrifices:
bonbons; diamonds; false identities; frilly underclothes. A dozen  red
roses will buy a lot of mileage with this  saint.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob   22 Jun - 22 Jul

Your patron saint is Saint Furt

Saint Furt is a  divine of long, long standing. Famed for his
discretion, diligence and  astonishing abilities as a persuader, his
name was the source of the old  Ankhian word "furtive", meaning "able
to get around all sorts of rules and  guidelines"; in fact, "furt" is
an archaic synonym for "sneak". Saint Furt is  the patron saint of
investigative journalists, Dark Clerks, insurance  salesmen and maiden
aunts, and is also known in some quarters as Deep Threat  or the
Lockbreaker. Definitely a saint to be on the good side of!  Suggested
useful sacrifices: diaries; old love letters; records of  illegal
transactions; telescopes; compromising  iconographs.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Your patron saint is Saint  Oeno

Oeno Filius, once the wayward son of a Latatian noble, was  elevated
to sainthood by the Tsortean priests of Smimto when they saw  him
perform the miracle of turning spoilt olive oil into fortified  wine.
Despite Oeno's protests that he'd meant to turn it into water  in
order to dissipate the effects of *drinking* fortified wine, he  soon
became one of the best-loved saints, praised and toasted  wherever
glasses are raised in the spirit of overindulgence. Saint Oeno is  the
patron saint of alcoholics, distillers, cork growers, grape  farmers
and makers of patent hangover cures. A successful prayer to Oeno  will
guarantee you at least one free round at your local tavern.  Suggested
useful sacrifices: spoilt olive oil; oaken casks; sugar  cane;
potatoes; yeast; those mysterious little can-holders favoured  by
natives of the continent of XXXX (and frequently, by the incontinent
of  XXXX).

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23  Sept

Your patron saint is Saint Barbarous

Woe unto any who cross  the protected of Saint Barbarous! For when the
Great Wizzard was faced with  the vicious armies of Lord Hong, did
Barbarous not strike them low? Well no,  as a matter of fact he didn't
- but he *could* have. According to ancient  sagas, Barbarous ranged
across the whole vastness of Old Agatea, spreading  his message of
brotherly love, quiet contemplation and wholesale mayhem.  Saint
Barbarous is the patron saint of tavern brawlers, freebooters,  human
manifestations of anthropomorphic personifications and press  barons;
his feast day is celebrated with considerable violence.  Suggested
useful sacrifices: broken swords; mystical rings; loincloths;  underarm
deodorant; I Am a Personal Friend of Hrun badges; jewelled  thrones.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Your patron saints are Saint Bruce and Saint  Bazza

Saints Bruce and Bazza were the closest of friends when alive,  and
remain an inseparable pair in sainthood. They brought to the world
the  principle of Holy Matehood, and are said to have invented sour
beer and  football. Any sensible young man who finds himself separated
from his best  mate by reason of interfering girlfriends would do well
to pray to Bruce and  Bazza for the speedy return of blessed misogyny.
Saints Bruce and Bazza are  the patron saints of drovers, horse-cart
drag racers, specialist dressmakers,  beer canners, large sopranos and
pantomime dames; they share the same feast  day because, y'know mate,
it's not right for a manly man to be separated from  his mates, mate.
Suggested useful sacrifices: beer; chips; high-heeled  stiletto wedges
(size 13, for preference); pork scratchings; Village People  CDs; sheep.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman   24 Oct - 22 Nov

Your patron saint is Saint Hulberry

On a lonely  outcrop above the plains of Quirm, according to oral
tradition, Saint  Hulberry kept his lonely vigil for forty days and
forty nights. What he was  keeping vigil for is a matter lost to
history, but over the aeons Hulberry  has come to represent the causes
of patience and graciousness. Hulberry is  the patron saint of delayed
voyagers, lost sailors, hostage negotiators,  futures traders and
nannies; never a day goes by when some kindergarten  teacher doesn't
raise her voice to him in desperate prayer. Devotees of this  saint
wander far and wide spreading a silent message of Icanwaitism and  are
popularly known as Travelling Hulberrys. Suggested useful  sacrifices:
comfortable chairs; gaffer tape; pile ointment; retired  masseurs;
crossword puzzles.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great  T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

Your patron saint is Saint Calcitrant  of Viggo

Calcitrant is one of the most venerated saints of the Disc. A  humble
country priest of Blind Io, Calcitrant was the first theologian  to
present the case for lesser animals having souls, and was known to  go
to extraordinary lengths to ensure the comfort of the beasts of  field
and forest, even installing a homeless ass as Dean of the district  of
Unshorn Viggo. Saint Calcitrant is the patron saint of dragon
fanciers  and dog groomers and also of worm-farmers and the elephant
trainers of the  Howondaland plains. His day is celebrated by the
giving of steaks to  intelligent-looking stray dogs, because you never
know when one of them might  turn out to be a divine in disguise.
Suggested useful sacrifices: wicker  baskets; catnip; flea ointment;
horse blankets;  Laddie.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec  - 20 Jan

Your patron saint is Saint Charismal

In the wild and  lawless days of long ago, Charismal the Motivator led
his righteous followers  in a holy war against the godsless rulers of
ancient Brindisi. At the height  of the battle, he struck his staff
(you could get good staff in those days)  and there suddenly sprang
forth a full-grown pasta tree, heavy with ripe  linguini; the enemy
was so amazed by this miracle that they immediately  capitulated,
renounced their wicked ways and dedicated themselves to  the
refinement of simple dinners. Charismal is the patron saint of  cafe
owners, shoemakers, oil pressers, garlic growers, aristonomers  and
women named Donatella, and is the inspiration behind the  traditional
Supper Prayer. His feast day is celebrated with feasts.  Suggested
useful sacrifices: savoury herbs; sun-dried tomatoes; aged  cheeses;
table linen; wine bottles with dribbly candles stuck in the  top;
Jamie Oliver.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large  Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

Your patron saint is Saint  Androgyna

The only female saint of the Zodiac, Androgyna (known as  Sharon
O'Maculate before she took Holy Orders as an acolyte of Petulia  and
Sessifet) is the patron saint of women, especially of scorned  women.
In Bhangbhangduc she is worshipped as Helas noh-Furi; in Muntab,  she
is commonly known as Shiz Gonagetya; even the Nac Mac Feegle  pray
fearfully to Androgyna as She Who Over-salts the Porridge, and  every
House of Negotiable Affection in Ankh-Morpork has a small  Androgynan
shrine - as do most mothers-in-law. Androgyna's feast day is held  in
secret, and no man has ever dared ask when it is, especially at
certain  times of each month. Nonetheless, Saint Androgyna is also
regarded as the  nurturer of the lonely, and is invoked in the prayers
of young lovers and  hopeful spinsters. There is a rumour that she has
now ascended to actual  goddesshood and has Dark Powers, so scoff ye
not, O foolish men. Suggested  useful sacrifices: chocolate; gossip
magazines; beard shavings; deadly  nightshade; hairspray.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying  Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

Your patron saint is Saint  Particle

Saint Particle, whose feast day is the 17th of March, is most  famous
for driving the trolls out of Llamedos, thereby paving the way  for
the spread of Druidism. After all, it's hard to get enthusiastic
about  quarrying megaliths when one of your best-carved pieces might
turn out to be  the aged relative of a clan of angry silicaceans!
Saint Particle is also the  patron saint of turf-cutters, bagpipe
makers, folkdancers and strong  beer-brewers, though he shares
duties with Saint Oeno as the patron saint of  incautious drunkards.
According to popular superstition, Particle is the  fulltime duty
bartender on Cori Celesti. Suggested sacrifices: wooden  spoons;
accordions; pyrites; home-brewed white lightning; anything  green.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

...  and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at  jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them  directly to Miss  Asterisk.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
End of  Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of  5
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If   you did not get all 5 parts, write:  jschaum111@...



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2005 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

13)  SIMILARITIES: VIMES vs. PEEL: Part II

How Terry Pratchett  Created Vimes and The Watch
-- Parallels with Sir Robert Peel and the  Metropolitan
Police Force

by Lucy  Smith

(continued)

Sergeant Colon is a stereotypical "overweight,  plodding,
un-ambitious copper", who mistakenly believes that he is
knowledgeable in every area of life. Pratchett illustrates this
by his  use of Vimes' personal thoughts and opinions as a
narrative structure. This  gives an insight into Colon's
personality from the perspective of a work  colleague and
friend, and shows the reader Colon's lack of knowledge.
When coupled with Colon's acute failure to recognise his
own ignorance,  Pratchett creates many opportunities for
scenes of comedy. Vimes' narrative  train of thought is used
to recount an incident of Colon displaying his  ignorance, when
he has commented on the meaning of the Watch motto.
"It  translated - according to Sergeant Colon, who had served
in foreign parts  and considered himself an expert on languages -
as "to Protect and to  Serve."". This approach is used by
Pratchett to outline to the reader the  character's illusion of
self-importance. The technique also highlights to  the reader,
the concept that Colon considers himself to be the definitive
knowledge on everything, and refuses to admit when he doubts
the  accuracy of his information.

Another example of how Pratchett defines  Colon's character
is in the way Vimes' narrative train of thought describes  Colon's
relationship with his wife. "Sergeant Colon,...Now there was a
man who liked the dark. Sergeant Colon owed thirty years of
happy  marriage to the fact that Mrs Colon worked all day and
Sergeant Colon worked  all night." This description of the way
in which Colon's marriage is  believed to have survived, shows
the low esteem the Watch members hold for  themselves and
each other.

Pratchett's depiction of Nobby clearly  defines the way The Watch
is made up of, what Pratchett refers to as the  so-called "dregs of
society", or the outcasts. "...well, anyone like Nobby  had
unlimited reasons for not wishing to be seen by other people."
Pratchett shows the reader here, that the members of the Night
Watch are  perceived as unemployable by respectable society.
It is in this way that  Pratchett informs the reader indirectly that
the position of Watchman is  seen as a poor career choice, and
possibly as a way of hiding from the real  world and the problems
encountered within it.

In contrast to these  characters is Carrot, who was raised by dwarfs
and appears somewhat ignorant  of the ways of city life. Pratchett
uses this innocence to illustrate to the  reader the many problems
in the city. For instance when Carrot first joins  the Watch, he follows
the book of laws as strictly as he can, not realising  the main policing
of the city is done by the various guilds. Pratchett uses  the contrast
between Carrot and Nobby to show the reader how different  Carrot's
ideal of the Watch, and the reality of it really are. Pratchett  uses the
third person narrative to describe a scene which occurs when Nobby
and Carrot are paired together on patrol, and enter the Drum, a
disreputable tavern. "If you are in charge, he intoned, then it is my
duty to inform you that you are under arrest...The silence that
followed  held a rare quality of breathless anticipation as the
assembled company  waited to see what would happen next."
This passage highlights the rarity of  the enforcement of the laws
by the Watch, and the surprise this action  generates.

Pratchett uses the success of the Watch after the joining of  Carrot,
as a method of raising the profile of the Watch. Consequently the
controversy it produces is also increased. Indeed it is illustrated by
Pratchett in the novel "Men At Arms", by using Carrot's letter
home to  his family as a narrative recap on the position of the Watch
in society.  While at the same time, Pratchett highlights Carrot's
supposed innocence in  his childish use of language and punctuation.
"Dearest Mume and Dad, Well  here is another fine turnup for the Books,
for I have been made Corporal!!  ...This is all because we have got
new recruits because the Patrician who,  as I have formerly vouchsafed
is the ruler of the city, has agreed the Watch  must reflect the ethnic
makeup of the City__" This effectively enlightens  the reader to the
concept that the Watch's profile and status has been  raised, and to
an extent that it is now recognised as a functional part of  the city.
Therefore is now regarded as important enough to warrant it being
cross-culturally representative.

Indeed as Pratchett progresses the  Watch and increases its numbers
he shows it becoming more highly regarded by  society as a whole,
and even looked upon with respect from some sections of  society.
Pratchett illustrates this perfectly in "Night Watch" by again  using
Vimes' personal thoughts as a form of narration. "A file, he had to
refer to a damn file. But there were so many coppers these days...
But in  truth Stronginthearm was just a decent dwarf who had been
paid to be a  copper. He'd joined up because, these days, joining the
Watch was quite a  good choice of career." This effectively compares
the way things are in the  Watch in present times to the way things
were in the beginning. This clearly  shows the reader just how much
things have progressed, and how the status of  the Watch as a
profession, and as a functional part of society, has changed.  The
language Pratchett chooses for Vimes to use is an effective
method  of conveying to the reader the disappointment or regret
felt by Vimes, at  not all his men personally.

Parallels Between Vimes' Character and Sir  Robert Peel.

Beginning with the initial parallel that I noticed between  Vimes
and Peel, it is relevant to add that many of the participants in
my questionnaire also noticed this similarity. The main
significant  parallel here appears to be that Watchmen who
train in Ankh-Morpork, are  known to the rest of the Disc as
"Sammies". This is in the same way as  policemen trained by
the Metropolitan Police Force, which was founded by  Peel,
were initially known as "Peelers" or "Bobbies". This fact was
only  noticed by those who had some prior historical knowledge
of the way in which  the police were formed. This alludes to the
conclusion that Pratchett may  have used this parallel as a type
of "in joke", to provide a comical  comparison between Vimes
and Peel, to those readers who possessed this  insight.

Another parallel that was perceived by some who I consulted
was the possible similarity between the names "Peel" and "Keel".
Many  thought this was a comical reference or tribute on the
part of Pratchett  himself, to the achievements of Peel and his
police force. During my  correspondence with the author however,
I learnt that this reference was  actually, as far as he was aware,
coincidental. Pratchett said in his email,  "The John Keel name
wasn't a deliberate reference, but feel free to assume  that it was
done subconsciously." Another possibility that I have been
considering as a link between these names, relates to an old folk
song  about hunting. The name of the man mentioned in this song
is "John Peel",  and he is a hunter. This tenuously links to the role
of a policeman through  the concept that a policeman is hunting
but for criminals not game. This  could lead on to the name
John Keel, through a weak association between  hunting and
law enforcement. This could explain the resemblance in a  more
in-depth way, than purely through the similarity of the sound.
Although this is open to many different interpretations, which
are  dependant on reader knowledge. This information actually
contradicts my  initial hypothesis in this study, which leads me to
refer to the contrasts  that are also apparent between Vimes and
Peel so as to maintain the neutral  perspective of this investigation.

Among the many contrasts between Vimes  and Peel are the
greatly differing social backgrounds of the two. Vimes is
portrayed as being from a lower working class background,
and as growing  up in a poor home.

Pratchett illustrates this clearly in "Night Watch"  by using
Vimes' memories of his childhood as a narrative tool. "You might
not have much, but you could have Standards...There might be
nothing  behind the front door worth stealing but at least the doorstep
could be clean  enough to eat your dinner off, if you could have afforded
dinner." Yet in  contrast Peel came from an upper class background,
his father a "wealthy  cotton manufacturer and a member of
parliament for Tamworth. Robert was  trained as a child to become
a future politician."

As I learned in my  research, and again in my correspondence
with Pratchett, my assumptions on  the parallels between Vimes
and Peel did not run as deep as I first thought.  In Pratchett's email
to me on the subject he stated, "The single similarity,  I think,
lies in the fact that Vimes raises the profile and status of the  Watch
to the extent that coppers trained in Ankh-Morpork are  nicknamed
"Sammies", just as British policemen were "Peelers"." This seems
to be the only real similarity between the two. However there are
other  parallels between the Metropolitan Police Force and The
Watch, and the  subsequent development of them both.
(continued next month)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 5 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright  (c) 2005 by Klatchian Foreign  Legion





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
FEBRUARY 2005  (Volume 8, Issue  2)
***************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE  publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its  affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor  in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor:  Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: Jared Hays
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan  Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky  Swaney
Convention News Editor: Anna M.Conina
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins,  disk@...
Copyright 2005 by Klatchian Foreign  Legion
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part  1

1) A MODEST PROPOSAL
2) MORE VAMPIRE FILK
3) NEWS FROM TERRY'S  AGENT
4) NEW DW GAME FROM "THUD" CREATOR

====Part 2

5) YOUR  MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

====Part 3

6) FAN FILM PROJECT
7)  PUMPKIN MEET
8) PUZZLE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETTERS FROM OUR  READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9)  MY LEAST FAVORITE  CHARACTER
10) SMALL GODS vs BIG COMPLAINTS
11)  PRATCHETT vs WODEHOUSE

====Part 4

12) SIMILARITIES: VIMES vs PEEL:  Part I

====Part 5

12) SIMILARITIES (continued): VIMES vs PEEL:  Part II

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part  1

1) A MODEST PROPOSAL

Would you like to offer a tangible “thank  you" to Terry for his
brilliant writing, show the world just how terrific  you think
Going Postal is, and change history for the better?

You would?  Well, read on.

I don't know how familiar most of  you are with the Hugo
Awards, but in the science fiction/fantasy field they  are
the equivalent of the movie industry's Academy Awards.

Presented annually at Worldcon, these rocket-shaped
awards are among  the most prestigious in the genre.

Despite being a Worldcon guest of  honor last year,
Terry has never won a Hugo.  This is most likely due
to his appeal to readers outside the typical sci-fi/fantasy
community,  who don't attend Worldcon and/or bother to
vote for the Hugos.  As a  result, he doesn't stand a chance
against authors with a more traditional,  active, and savvy fan base.

If you think this status quo stinks as  badly as Foul Ole Ron,
here's how to change it:

1.  Nominate  Going Postal to appear on the Hugo ballot as
Best Novel.  The deadline  is March 11th.  You can do this if
you attended last year's Worldcon  (Noreascon 4), if you are
attending this year's Worldcon (Interaction), or  if you purchase
a supporting membership ($45) at:
http://www.interaction.worldcon.org.uk/joining.htm.

2.   Vote for Going Postal as Best Novel once it appears on
the ballot.  The  deadline is July 8th.  You can do this if you
are attending this year's  Worldcon (Interaction), or if you
purchase a supporting  membership.

3.  Urge others to nominate and vote for Going  Postal.
If you can't afford the $45 for a supporting membership,  you
may know other Discworld fans who can, or sci-fi/fantasy fans
who  already plan to attend Worldcon.   Many Worldcon
attendees don't  even bother to vote for the Hugos.  Fight the
apathy and convince them  to cast their votes.  Post this
information to other Discworld and  sci-fi/fantasy forums.
Tell them why you think Going Postal deserves  this honor.
Spread the word.

It's possible that Hat Full  of Sky, despite being a children's novel,
may also qualify in the Best Novel  category.  However, voting for
that as well as Going Postal runs the  risk of splitting the vote
to the point where neither one gathers enough  votes to appear
on the ballot.  A similar phenomenon occurred in the  BBC'S
Big Read, where several of Terry's books were cited as favorites
of  the British public, but no single one gathered enough votes
to make the top  21.  Don't penalize him for his prolific output.

It's still  possible to recognize the Discworld in additional Hugo
categories,  however.  The Art of Discworld appears to have been
published too late  to qualify in the Best Related Book category,
but Paul Kidby would qualify  in the Best Professional Artist
category, and the L-Space Discworld fansite  at
http://www.lspace.org would be eligible for this year's special
Best  Website category.

Let's rock the vote, shall we? : )

Anna  M.Conina

[Ed note: And while you're at it, why not vote tor Terry
in  the current LOCUS POLL, if you're a subscriber,
under Best Fantasy Novel,  Best Young-Adult Novel,
and for Paul Kidby under Best Artist -- Pro or  Fan.
Deadline for ballots is May 1, 2005. Write for your
ballot to  LOCUS at Locus Publications,
PO Box 13305, Oakland, CA  94661]
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) MORE VAMPIRE  FILK

It's actually my friend Val who will be dressing as a Discworld  Black
Ribboner vampire at next month's Minicon (although I'll have no  shortage of
Discworld costumes of my own).  Inspired by both the  original "Onward Veggie
Vampires" filk on the 2004 Discworld Convention  Website
(http://www.dwcon.org/02retrospective.php) and Joe's clever  reinterpretation
last month, Val has written an Uberwaldian filk entitled  "Bringing in Zer
(Cocoa) Beans" to sing at the Con.  This is, of course,  set to the tune of
"Bringing in the Sheaves," the hymn which the Ingalls  family invariably sang
in every churchgoing episode of the old TV show  "Little House on the
Prairie."

So grab your cocoa, think of a befanged  Laura Ingalls, and be afraid. Be
very, very afraid.

Bringing In Zer  (Cocoa) Beanz

by Val (the vampire)

Verse 1
Drinking cocoa in  zer morning, zowing zeeds of change
Drinking cocoa in zer noontide and zer  foggy eve
Waiting for zer harvest, and zer time of quaffing
We zhall come  rejoicing, bringing in zer beans

Chorus
Bringing in zer beans,  bringing in zer beans
We zhall come rejoicing, bringing in zer  beans
Bringing in zer beans, bringing in zer beans
We zhall come  rejoicing, bringing in zer beans

Verse 2
Cocoa in the zunzhine, cocoa  in zer zhadows,
Fearing neither zhrouds nor vampire'z natural needz
By and  by zer harvest, and zer longing ended
We zhall come rejoicing, bringing in  zer beans

Chorus
Bringing in zer beans, bringing in zer beans
We  zhall come rejoicing, bringing in zer beans
Bringing in zer beans, bringing  in zer beans
We zhall come rejoicing, bringing in zer beans

Verse  3
Going forz wiz gladnez, knowing ve are pazzive
Zrough zer change  zuhustained our spirits are relieved
Now our plight is over, all vill bid us  welcome
We zhall come rejoicing, bringing in zer  beans

Chorus
Bringing in zer beans, bringing in zer beans
We zhall  come rejoicing, bringing in zer beans
Bringing in zer beans, bringing in zer  beans
We zhall come rejoicing, bringing in zer beans

-- Anna M.  Conina
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) NEWS FROM  TERRY'S AGENT

Colin Smythe reports:

I'm glad to say that our  website has now been redesigned,
enlarged and updated by Leighton House,  adding to Rob Wilkins'
original edifice. The Pratchett pages have been  considerably
revised and should contain information on every edition and
translation of Terry's books that I'm aware of. The entry page  is
http://www.colinsmythe.co.uk/terrypages/tpindex.html

We shall be  adding further information to them as and when
I get it. If you notice any  errors or omissions, please let us know.

HarperCollins tell me that the  American Library Association
has named A HAT FULL OF SKY as both an ALA  Notable Book
and an ALA Best Book for Young Adults.

French language  rights: L'Atalante are signing up
THIEF OF TIME and NIGHT WATCH

--  Colin Smythe
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) NEW DW  GAME FROM "THUD" CREATOR

The game is called Watch Out and features the  Watch versus the
Thieves Guild.  It is very new, so unless you have  been to the
Wincanton events, you probably won't have heard of it yet.   Bernard
Pearson, the Cunning Artificer, has made the little figures and the
tiles.  I think he only made eight  sets, and they were sold  straight
away. I was lucky enough to buy one. (I lied to my husband about  how
much I had paid for it) but the intention is to mass produce them
eventually.The object of the game is to get all your pieces from one
side of the board to the other.  The tiles are places from the books
i.e. The Mended Drum, Dolly Sisters etc.  Some are friendly to the
Watch, some to the Thieves.  Needless to say, there are lots of other
rules but it is basically a very simple game.  My thirteen-year-old
regularly beats me, because he plays a strategic game, while I just
go  bull-headed at it. The interesting thing is, the tiles have to be
laid out  separately for each game, so that you never get the same lay-
out  twice.
Thud, of course, is the game Vetinari is playing when Reacher Gilt
and the delegation call on him.  I'm no good at that either

If  you type in "Discworld board games," you can find some details of
Watch  Out.  It is the baby of Trevor Truran, who invented Thud.
There is a  nice picture of Trevor and you can see the tiles.  Check:

http://www.boardgamegeek.com/imagegallery.php3?gameid=12696

--Sylvia
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
If  you did not get all 5 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
End  of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of  5




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
MARCH 2005  (Volume 8, Issue  3)
***************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE  publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its  affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name,  country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor  in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor:  Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla  D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: Jared Hays
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan  Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky  Swaney
Convention News Editor: Anna M.Conina
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins,  disk@...
Copyright 2005 by Klatchian Foreign  Legion
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part  1

1) EDITORIAL
2) MINICON (USA)  -- FIRST ADVANCE REPORT
3)  UPCOMING BOOKS
4) CHEERY LITTLEBOTTOM ON THE NET

====Part 2

5)  THEATER NEWS (AUSTRALIA)
6) TERRY IN HOLLAND
7) BUGARUP UNIVERSITY: FAR  FROM THE NET HERD
8) DISCWORLD CON 2006

====Part 3

9) HOW I  DISCOVERED TERRY PRATCHETT
10) PUMPKIN MEET CONTINUES?

====Part  4

11) SIMILARITIES: VIMES vs PEEL: Part III

====Part 5

5)  YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

====Part 1

1)  EDITORIAL

As the old song goes,

Spring is sprung
The flowers  riz,
I wonder where
Da boidies
Iz

Yes, here we are again.  Filled with green tea, we push on
into the jungles of Discworld, looking for  the secrets of
the Universe and a quiet place to lie down after  revealing
them.

Not much happened last month, my cosmological  possums
(to quote the inimitable Anaemia Asterisk), so it was a very
good  month after all.

You are about to discover what Cheery  Littlebottom actually
looks like, exciting theater news from Australia, all  the new
Terry books lined up for the next few months, and the  Pratchett
Plan for Holland.

All this, plus the smashing conclusion of  our mind-boggling
article on the similarities between Samuel Vimes  and
Robert Peel.

Sit down, put your feet up, and prepare your mind for  contact!

--  Joe

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) MINICON  (USA) -- FIRST ADVANCE REPORT

by Anna M. Conina, Convention News  Editor

I literally just got home from Minicon about an hour ago, and have  to
unpack and work 12-9 tomorrow, so I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be
able to get anything done for this month's issue if I also want to
squeeze sleep and food into the equation.

Val and I do plan to  submit a report next month, although it will be
a *lot* shorter than the  Noreascon one (because I'm only insane
enough to write something that long  once).  We had a wonderful time.

Val and I wore a different  costume each day  -- on Friday she was
Lady Sybil in pink tulle and I  was Cheery Littlebottom in red sequins,
on Saturday we were Ankh-Morpork's  first combination
Seamstress/Assassins, and on Sunday she was a black  ribboner
vampire and I was Susan Death.

We attended every  Terry panel (including his pre-con speech at the
Southdale Library),  volunteered to help with the art show and auction
(to which Terry donated  $500, in addition to rare Discworld items),
were assigned to be Terry's  co-judges/helpers at the masquerade,
heard some wonderful excerpts from  _Thud!_ at a last-minute reading,
and had dinner with Terry, Greg Ketter,  Lisa Freitag, and a guy whose
name I can't recall because my brain has just  about liquefied by now.

Greg Ketter and Lisa Freitag, who ran the  convention, couldn't have
been nicer people.  I actually managed to  make semi-coherent
conversation during the dinner, which is a big  improvement over the
vaguely terrified vowel sounds which characterized the  Noreascon
Lunch of Doom.  Terry was friendly and funny and has  officially
dubbed me his "Designated Stalker," which he says is a good  thing,
since I "fill the stalker space" that would otherwise be open to far
scarier stalkers. Plus he quite enjoyed being escorted at the
masquerade  by two "brazen hussies" wearing "external underwear" (the
corseted  Seamstress/Assassins).   His parting words were "I'll see you
at  the L.A. Worldcon."  ;  )

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) UPCOMING  BOOKS

Colin Smythe, Terry's agent, reports that three new titles
are  due out this year:

DARWIN'S WATCH: SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD III
by Terry  Pratchett, Ian Stewart, Jack Cohen

Roundworld is in trouble again, and  this time it looks fatal.
Having created it in the first place, the wizards  of Unseen
University feel vaguely responsible for its safety. They know
the creatures who lived there escaped the impending Big
Freeze by  inventing the space elevator - they even intervened
to rid the planet of a  plague of elves, who attempted to divert
humanity onto a different time  track.

But now it's all gone wrong - Victorian England has stagnated
and the pace of progress would embarrass a limping snail.
Unless  something drastic is done, there won't be time for anyone
to invent  spaceflight and the human race will be turned into ice-pops.

Why, though,  did history come adrift? Was it Sir Arthur
Nightingale's dismal book about  natural selection? Or
was it the devastating response by an obscure country
vicar called Charles Darwin, whose bestselling Theology
of Species made  it impossible to refute the divine design
of living creatures? Either way,  it's no easy task to change
history, as the wizards discover to their cost.  Can the God
of Evolution come to humanity's aid and ensure Darwin
writes  a very different book? And who stopped him writing
it in the first  place?

UK ISBN 0091898234 Hardcover
UK Publisher: Ebury Press
UK Publication Date: May 5, 2005
384 pp. GBP 17.99   Amazon  UK: GBP 12.59
No US publisher at this  time.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

THUD!

Koom  Valley? That was where the trolls ambushed the dwarves, or
the dwarves  ambushed the trolls. It was far away. It was a long time  ago.

But if he doesn't solve the murder of just one  dwarf, Commander Sam
Vimes of Ankh-Morpork City Watch is going to see the  battle fought
again, right outside his office.

With his beloved Watch  crumbling around him and war-drums sounding,
he must unravel every clue,  outwit every assassin and brave any darkness
to find the solution. And  darkness is following him.

UK ISBN 0385608675 Hardcover
UK Publisher:  Doubleday UK
UK Publication Date: November 22, 2005
384 pp. List Price  GBP 17.99  Amazon.UK Price GBP 12.59

US ISBN 0060815221  Hardcover
US Publisher: HarperCollins
US Publication Date:October 1,  2005
352 pp. List Price USD 24.95  Amazon Price USD  16.47

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

WHERE'S MY  COW?
A Discworld picture book. Illustrated by Melvin Grant

At six  o'clock every day, without fail, with no excuses, Sam Vimes
must go home to  read Where's My Cow?, with all the right farmyard
noises, to his little boy.  There are some things you have to do. It is
the most loved and chewed book  in the world.

But his father wonders why it is full of moo-cows and  baa-lambs
when Young Sam will only ever see them cooked on a plate. He
can  think of a more useful book for a boy who lives in a  city.

So Sam Vimes starts adapting the story. A story with streets,
not fields. A book with rogues and villains. A book about the place
where he'll grow up.

UK ISBN 038560937-X
UK Publication  Date: November 22, 2005
No other data available at this  time.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) CHEERY  LITTLEBOTTOM ON THE NET

If you'd like to see weekly Discworld comic  strips starring
the Watch's own Cheery Littlebottom, go  to:

http://www.cheerycomic.co.uk/

-- Mark Barltrop  (tachyon@...)
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If  you did not get all 5 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
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End  of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of  5



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====Part  2

5. THEATER NEWS (AUSTRALIA)

INTERESTING TIMES

"Long Live  the Changing Things To a More
Equitable State While Retaining Due Respect
For the Traditions of Our Forbears!"

The oldest and most inscrutable  empire on the Discworld is in turmoil,
brought about by the revolutionary  treatise "What I Did On My Holidays"
written by Twoflower - the Discworld's  first tourist.

Workers are uniting, with nothing to lose but their water  buffaloes.
Warlords are struggling for power. All that stands in the way of  terrible
doom for everyone is Rincewind the inept Wizard, a group
of  toy-rabbit-wielding rebels, an army of terracotta warriors,
and The  Silver Horde led by Cohen the Barbarian Hero.

Interesting Times sees the  return of Rincewind  played by
Chris Irving who first appeared for  Unseen as "Brother Fingers"
in Guards! Guards!. He also had a small  "practice" cameo as
his current character Rincewind in Mort last  year.

Rincewind is supported in his endeavours by The Red Army
(a  group of toy-rabbit-wielding rebels) and The Silver Horde
(a group of  ancient warriors) led by Cohen the Barbarian Hero.

Steven Parker who was  last seen as Commander Vimes in
Unseen's most recent production of  NightWatch plays Cohen the
Barbarian and is ably supported by Sam Priestly  as the Teach,
Nik Hargreaves as Caleb the Ripper, Paul Burger as Truckle
the Uncivil, Merri Brown as Vena the Raven-haired and Damien
White as  Mad Hamish, all of whom make up "The Silver Horde".

Andrew Dowling who  was nominated for the Adelaide Critic's Circle
Awards and also won an Oscart  Award (Advertiser) in 2003 for his role
as "a very funny Igneous Cutwell"in  Mort has returned for two parts in
this production. He will play Fate  (self-explanatory) and "Twoflower",
author of the revolutionary treatise  ("What I Did on My Holidays").

There's still time to see it if you  hustle.

WHEN:        March 17  to April 2
Wednesdays to Saturdays at 8pm

WHERE:       Bakehouse Theatre, 255 Angas  Street, Adelaide

TICKETS:      Adults $15,  Concession $12, Groups (10 or more)  $10
Thai Hutt Dinner Deal $30 (meal and theatre ticket)

BOOKINGS:  BASS  131246 or The Bakehouse Theatre on  82270505
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6) TERRY  IN HOLLAND

Just in case people have missed it, Terry will be at the Elf  Fantasy Fair
which takes place on 23 and 24 April near Utrecht. He has  confirmed on
a.f.p. that he will be there both days.

Other guests  include author Diane Duane who I seem to recall has some fans
here and a  whole bunch of LoTR people like Andy Serkis and John Noble.
More info at  <http://www.elffantasy.nl>. Partial English and German
translations are  linked to further down the page.

On the evening of the 24th, Terry will  be doing a talk and signing at the
Rotterdam Bibliotheektheater as part of  the library's SF/F month.

Address and reservations: Bibliotheektheater,  Hoogstraat 110, Rotterdam,
phone (010) 281 62 62
Date: Sunday 24 April  2005
Time: 20:30
Price: 7 euros; concession, 6 euros
Website:  http://www.bibliotheek.rotterdam.nl/ContentNieuws.cfm?ID=1382
SF/F month:  http://www.bibliotheek.rotterdam.nl/ThemaNieuws.cfm?ID=5
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7)  BUGARUP UNIVERSITY: FAR FROM THE NET HERD
by Annie  Mac

Nearly five years ago, I was randomly browsing the internet on the
Hex my brother had sent me for the purposes of keeping in touch with
family. For no particular reason - other than being an aficionado of
the  works of Terry Pratchett - I decided to Google on "Discworld". I
was  delighted at the number of hits the search threw up, and there
was one site  in particular that caught my eye: Bugarup University,
aka  ozdw@yahoogroups.com, an Australian-based email discussion group.

I  clicked on the site, which in those days was publicly viewable, and
was  immediately struck by the high level of wit and creative
silliness in the  posts there. It struck me straightaway as more of an
anything-and-everything  discussion lists peopled by Pratchett fans
(rather than a list for specific  discussion of the Discworld novels
and their characters, which wasn't  something that interested me
much), so I joined the group...and was  instantly pulled into a wild,
weird and wonderful world of punes, daft (and  sometimes earnest, and
sometimes even rather heated) sociopolitical  discussions,
cross-realities storytelling, and, well, people behaving as if  they
*were* living on Discworld and attending a magical University. I
loved it! I rocked up and joined in the general wizardliness, and
have  been doing so ever since.

I was about as far as one can get from the  archetype of the
traditional net nerd - I had a lifelong career in the  creative and
performing arts, more social life than I knew what to do with,  and a
lively (if ultimately dysfunctional) marriage. I lived in a
beautiful, soul-satisfying farmhouse on the sea in the beautiful,
green  country of my birth. I'd only ever used email for family and
business  purposes, and had never been in a chatroom in my life...nor
had any reason  to want to. The last thing on my mind (well, it wasn't
even in the list of  things my mind might be *on*) was the notion of
packing a couple of small  bags, abandoning home, hearth, husband
and family and running away to the  unknown land of XXXX. But as the
months and the fun (and fnu) discussions  went on, I "met" some
excellent and interesting people via BU, and...yes,  you guessed it. I
live in Australia now. With a new SO. And a totally  different life.

It still involves Bugarup University, though. And Terry  Pratchett
books. Just rather a lot more sunshine and sushi and poisonous  wildlife.

To be sure, BU has changed over the years. Our esteemed
Archchancellor, Robin, went a-wandering in Parts Unknown, leaving us
in  the care of our esteemed ArchDean, Nathan - who also appears to
have long  since gone a-wandering in Parts Unknown, but the campus
wobbles on  regardless in its usual fashion. Some members have been
captured by the  dreaded Real Life Demons; some, from earliest days,
have returned; there  have been timid newbies who didn't survive the
first week (or the first  encounter with Libwolf, our shapechanging
Librarian, or the first campus  custard-fight...) and robust newbies
who ended up becoming members of  Faculty. There have been
friendships, romances and endless Meets. There have  been Saturday
morning chats in the Uncommon Room. There has been Hania Ogg,  who
was a friend of mine before she joined BU but who personifies the true
character of young Nanny in all the important aspects (Pterry would
approve, methinks, even if he *is* terrified of Hania's Infamous
Breasts  which show up at every book signing). There has been
Strawberry Wobbler.  We've even invented our own beer, Spiffy - a
truly life-giving substance  favoured by the various Undead on campus.

Things at BU go in cycles. The  campus is quiet of late, but every
time we oldbies and mediumbies think it  may be time to close the
lecture halls and exit through that secret window  in Room 3b, someone
comes along - or returns - and suddenly the lunacy  starts again. It's
just a shame that the public can't see a taste of our  goings-on;
sadly, there will be no more random accidental Googlers likely to
discover the creaking ironbound gates and enter the magical realm of
the  cybercampus.

I'd like to thank BU for totally stuffing up my life and  influencing
me to do completely ridiculous and ill-conceived things. Long  may it
continue!
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8)  DISCWORLD CON 2006

The Discworld Convention will be the biggest Discworld  event
in 2006 -- a glorious four-day weekend where fans of Terry
Pratchett can get together, relax, enjoy each other's company,
meet  Terry and the other guests, attend some (or many) of the
scores of programme  events, and generally Have A Good Time...

It will be held at the Hinckley  Island Hotel, Hinckley, Leicestershire,
in the UK from 18th to 21st August  2006. The Convention theme
will be  'Behind the Mask' from  MASKERADE.

The Guest of Honour will be Terry Pratchett, of course,  and
the other Guests will include Stephen Briggs, Bernard Pearson,
Trevor  Truran, Colin Smythe, Ian Stewart, Jack Cohen,
Diane Duane, Peter Morwood,  David Langford, Lionel Fanthorpe,
and many  others.


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End  of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of  5
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If   you did not get all 5 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
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13)  YOUR  MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

H is for  Horticulture! Now that Spring is, well, springing across
most of the nations  of Roundworld (apart from the upside-down
continent of XXXX, and the Land of  Fog, but what do they know?), most
people's thoughts turn to the planting of  plants and the sowing of
seeds. And so, my petite furry stargazers, you might  like to know of
which plants best sort your Signs. Remember, a green thumb is  just a
black one with moss on it...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The  Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

Your recommended plant:  Stammerlily

Though classed as an Exotic, the Agatean Stammerlily (from  the north-
eastern province of Khat-Gochertung) is a perfect plant for  first-time
gardeners, owing to the fact that it thrives in a vast variety  of
environments: convention centres, wedding reception venues,  office
boardrooms, family reunions, romantic candlelit restaurants,  oral
examination halls and even private bedrooms. Your Stammerlily  will
thrive in any lighting conditions. It prefers to feed on  half-formed
ideas and embarrassment, and to drink waters of Lethe. A  near-
perpetual bloomer, the perfume of the Stammerlily causes  instant
aphasia within a three-foot radius; this makes it a handy plant  to
take along when visiting overly gossipy  relatives.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of  Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

Your recommended plant: Copperhead  Pine

The Copperhead Pine, known in silicaceous circles as the Koom  Valley
Forget-me-not, is a hardy shrub that takes particularly well to  the
art of bonsai. Its seed cones resemble Morningstar heads in  hardness,
spikiness and weight, and it has a dense bole that makes  it
especially suitable for troll-bashing, that is, the lovelorn bashing
of  trolls by other trolls...or the non-lovelorn bashing of Dwarfs by
- um, let's  not go there. Plant your Copperhead Pine in sandy, well-
drained soil, mulch  in with a few cups of lime (but no coconut), and
presto! - no further  maintenance needed. You might want to surround
it with good fencing and a few  judiciously placed landmines, though,
even though there's no truth to the  rumour that Copperhead Pine seeds
are an essential ingredient of  Slab.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May -  21 June

Your recommended plant: Sessifet Flytrap

The Sessifet  Flytrap, also known as Seamstresses' Lace, is a robust
and enthusiastic  plant. Not only does it trap flies, it actively
solicits for them on  streetcorners! - therefore it's best to keep an
eye on it, especially after  sunset. Your "Sessie" needs little in the
way of fertiliser, but does  appreciate an occasional dusting of
powder, a squirt of eau de toilette and  perhaps a touch of eyeshadow.
For especially good leaf colour, try giving it  a weekly glass of gin.
The Sessifet Flytrap blooms twice yearly, always after  dark, and its
gently beckoning blossoms waft a rare and sensuous perfume over  its
potential victims; at these times, never approach your Flytrap  whilst
carrying credit cards.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The  Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Your recommended plant: Sto  Lat Peripatetic Potato

Like the Sessifet Flytrap, the Sto Lat Peripatetic  Potato - spuddus
Brassicaphilus, also known as the Wandering Spud - lives up  to its
name, but it's far less, erm, brassy. Upon escape, it tends to  make
for cellars, barns, or quiet, shadowed corners far from  restaurants
and chip shops. A healthy Wanderer can produce enough of its  famous
firm, white, creamy tubers to feed an entire company of  peckish
wizards, but due to the subtly attractive qualities of its foliage  it
is often grown simply for decorative purposes. This practice has  gone
on for long enough that the Wandering Spud has evolved  violently
toxic spikes on its lower leaves and tubers. Just water it  thrice
weekly and settle for eating reconstituted  mash.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of  Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Your recommended plant: Pink  Umbrella Plant aka Bridesmaid's Fancy
or Half-Pitcher Plant

The Pink  Umbrella Plant is thought to have originated upon Evolution
Island, because  surely no plant that produces perfect replicas of
those twee little cocktail  umbrellas could have evolved naturally!
Also, its leaves smell suspiciously  of rum, and its stalks have a
tendency to wobble from side to side before  suddenly falling over.
Be sure to water this plant frequently, especially  round pub opening
times, and to give it a monthly feed of leftover Klatchian  curry.
Never mix it in the same pot with hop plants or barley! If your  Pink
Umbrella Plant goes missing, you'll probably find it slumped  under
the lounge-room table. Give it some aspirin and tomato juice and  it
will soon be back to its usual  glory.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23  Sept

Your recommended plant: Monstera Horripilosa

Monstera  Horripilosa, popularly known as the Horse Cheese Plant, is
a popular  Howondaland import with broad, glorious foliage. A night-
bloomer, it's  favoured by yuppie vampires, demon barbers, accountants
and complaints  departments of large companies, due to its habit of
eating unwanted visitors.  Beware of its trailing semi-visible aerial
roots, which may be doorways into  the Dungeon Dimensions. Fertilise
monthly with the blood of virgins; if  there's a virgin shortage, a
goat or chicken will do nicely (though  strangely, the Uberwald Guide
to Houseplants fails to mention this). The  Monstera Horripilosa will
blossom and fruit twice yearly. No two fruits are  ever alike, but do
avoid eating any of them - even ones that resemble freshly  toasted
marshmallows - unless you particularly enjoy a painful,  lingering
death by poison. Hat. Hat.  Hat.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint  Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Your recommended plant: Klatchian Moss

Just  for you boring wussy Boring'uns: the multiverse's only
vegetarian carnivorous  plant! Of unknown origin despite its common
name, Klatchian Moss is a timid,  girly plant that prefers to live
under well-guarded rock gardens in quiet  areas. It's a fussy eater
that needs to be approached with caution, not  because it's dangerous
to its keepers but because it will throw a hissy fit,  snap its pods
shut and refuse to eat even if wasting away. It prefers tofu,  non-
dairy blancmange, mushy overcooked sprouts and unsalted oatmeal.  Some
of the rare wild varieties have been known to feast guiltily on  small
bits of leftover sausage inna bun, but offering this to domestic  ones
is not recommended. Mist often with purified springwater. I  promise,
this plant will never attack you. Trust me on  this.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct  - 22 Nov

Your recommended plant: Muntab Bladderwort

The Muntab  Bladderwort, finicus Poncedaquirmii, actually comes from
Bhangbhangduc (which  is no surprise, since no-one seems to know
where the hell Muntab is) and is a  tropical rainforest plant that
loves damp, steamy, poorly-lit environments  such as laundries, royal
dungeons and cheap pubs. It roots easily in thin  mean soil or
unwashed towels and is an easy plant to manage, although you  need to
be careful of its tendency to send creepers underfoot toward  your
cash drawer. Some say a sprig of Muntab Bladderwort in one's  shoes
can prevent unpleasant foot odour; others say it can  *cause*
unpleasant foot odour. Whatever the case, it will flourish on  an
infrequent feed of stale beer and bread mould.  Self-seeding.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot   23 Nov - 21 Dec

Your recommended plant:  Love-on-the-rocks

Love-on-the-rocks, a deceptively delicate-looking fern  from the
Genuan estuary, is also known as Stir-it-up or Discordia d'Amour.  It
prefers steamy rooms and seems to thrive on loud noises, most  notably
shouting and slapping sounds. Because its beauty makes it a  favourite
of florists and wedding planners, Love-on-the-rocks often turns up  at
shall-we-say vitally under-attended weddings, and is often left as  an
offering in divorce courts. Not recommended for the offices  of
relationship counselors, but the perfect addition to  flower
arrangements for your favourite nephew's unacceptably  tarty
girlfriend. Note: some say that talking to one's plants  encourages
good growth, but Love-on-the-rocks does *not* respond well to  soft,
encouraging endearments.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki  the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

Your recommended plant: -ing Air  Plant

Air plants, or aerophages, are a true marvel of Nature: these  require
no care whatsoever! The -ing Air Plant is the perfect plant for  those
busy bachelors who are always away on the Sort of Business We  Don't
Discuss; its blood-red blooms also make it attractive to the sort  of
young women who sigh rather a lot, wear far too much black lace,  and
are too preoccupied with the wearing pain of sheer existence  to
remember to feed or water their plants. The -ing Air Plant has  a
unique, fascinating natural perfume with a unique, fascinating effect
on  those who smell it up close - it causes noiseless swearing, a
desire to put  household cleaning powders up one's nose, and a sudden
passion for the  appreciation of rare antique objet's d'art. This
plant is a real conversation  piece!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda   21 Jan - 18 Feb

Your recommended plant: Lancre Tinker's  Tonker

Forget those nostrums from the local apothecary! Forget those  pale
ineffectual potions from the local hedge wizard! Lancre  Tinker's
Tonker is the real thing. A common Spring-blooming Ramtops  weed
(phallicus Hoipolloiens), this unassuming plant emits pheromones  of
such potency that village elders in certain densely-populated  areas
have instituted compulsory burn-off laws which stipulate that  said
burning can only be performed by elderly women and certified  eunuchs.
Of course, such activity always draws a crowd, which ends up  rather
defeating the point. Ah well, such is biology. Lancre Tinker's  Tonker
is a very useful plant, but must be handled with care. Best  situated
next to a cold shower.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The  Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

Your recommended plant:  Celestine Rose

Yes indeedy, you lucky ones born under the last Sign of  the Zodiac
get the emperor of flora as your recommended plant! The  Celestine
Rose only grows on the lower slopes of Cori Celesti, home of the  gods
themselves. Its perfume is rarer than the rarest unguents of far  al-
Khali, the dew that gathers on its eosian petals can turn to  pure
diamond when captured in a crystal phial, its leaves are as soft  as
the softest Agatean silk, its thorns...erm. Oh, right, the thorns.
Did  I mention that the Celestine Rose is beloved of, and under the
special  protection of, both Blind Io and the Lady? And that they
don't take kindly to  plant poachers nicking their property? Ahem.
Maybe you'd be better off  starting smaller, say with a patch of
daisies. Less exciting, yes, but also  less likely to cause your front
door to be split open by a  thunderbolt.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

...  and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at  jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them  directly to Lady Asterisk.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If  you did not get all 5 parts, write:  jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright  (c) 2005 by Klatchian Foreign Legion




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WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2005 -- PART 4 OF  5
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12)  SIMILARITIES: VIMES vs. PEEL: Part III

How Terry Pratchett Created Vimes  and The Watch
-- Parallels with Sir Robert Peel and the Metropolitan
Police Force

(continued from February 2005)

by Lucy  Smith

As one of the many tools and strategies Pratchett
uses to  engage the readers' interest, the most
effective and interesting is his use  of diachronic and
synchronic parallels. Nowhere is this more  apparent
than in his development of the Watch. For a first
example of the  parallels it is necessary to examine
the initial state of the Watch, as a  comparison to the
state of the Metropolitan police force when it was first  formed.

Pratchett uses a brief exchange of dialogue in "Jingo"
to  convey to the reader the views that Vimes' technical
social equals hold on  his position in society. "But you are not
required to have big ideas,  commander. You are a thief-taker,
nothing more." This extract shows the  contempt Pratchett is
trying to convey that the aristocratic portion of  society feel
towards Vimes.

This is paralleled in an extract from a  website on Peel, in a
description given on the state of law enforcement in  Britain
before the introduction of the Metropolitan police. "As home
secretary he (Peel) first tackled the organisation of London's
weak  police-force (known as the Bow Street Runners). These
men were thief takers,  and supplemented the activities of night
watchmen who were made up of old  men and were no deterrence
to aggressive criminals."

It has been  pointed out to me during my investigation, that in
"Night Watch" it appears  Pratchett uses a diachronic parallel
in his narrative structure. This is  between the aforementioned
"Bow Street Runners" and a particular branch of  the "old" watch,
known as the "Cable Street Particulars". This possible  reference
or tribute seems only to extend as far as the similarity between
the names, as in contrast to the previous description of the "Bow
Street  Runners" the "Cable Street Particulars" are shown by
Pratchett to consider  themselves above the law engaging in torture
and other immoral and illegal  methods of obtaining their convictions.

Another area of interest I  examined in relation to the parallels
between the Watch and the Metropolitan  police force, was
the gradual introduction of the more modern aspects of the
police force, as the Watch themselves progressed in their
development.  For example, the introduction of the modern
ideas such as ethnic  representation within the force, as
paralleled within the Watch. Pratchett  tackles the potentially
difficult area of race and racism in a clever way.  The ethnic
minorities of the Discworld are not as they are in the real  world,
being comprised of species such as dwarfs, trolls werewolves,
vampires and other imaginary creatures. This enables him to
tackle the  concept of prejudice and discrimination without the
risk of offending any of  his readers. "A troll and a dwarf. And
that ain't the worst of it."

This is one way Pratchett uses to highlight the existence
of  prejudice within the Watch in an extract of the thoughts
of an "average  copper" Fred Colon.

Another example of this is when Pratchett again uses,  what
appears to be a preferred tool of his, the thoughts of Vimes
as a  narrative perspective. During a conversation with the
patrician, Vimes  thinks to himself, "The ones you told me I
had to have?... They weren't to  go in the Day Watch, of
course. And those bastards in the palace guard  wouldn't
take them, either. Oh, no. Put 'em in the Night Watch,
because  it's a joke anyway and no-one'll really see 'em.
No-one important anyway."

This is also shown in the strong language used by Vimes,
as a  heartfelt view on his part, the style of language bringing
forward the  feelings behind the statement. These are effective tools
used by Pratchett,  as they show the reader the bitterness Vimes
feels towards the other  sections of the law enforcement agencies,
as well as showing the reader the  reluctance of anyone, including
the Night Watch, to accept these ethnic  minorities.

This was also true when the idea of cross-cultural  representation
was first introduced into the police force, and as it turned  out into
an institutionally racist area of government.

Pratchett  draws on the synchronic parallels between the Watch
in its most recent state  of development, and our modern police
force as it currently stands. This  parallel is best highlighted in the
entry for the Watch in the "Discworld  Companion". "Under Commander
Vimes and Captain Carrot the Watch is now a  modern, go-ahead
police force consisting of some one hundred  officers...Watch policy
(that is to say, Sam Vimes's prejudice) is against  undue specialisation.
There is a small forensic and medical unit at the  yard, and a recently
formed intelligence department...Finally, there is the  very recent
Traffic Division..." This is undoubtedly a clear parallel with  the modern
police force, and as many of the participants in my  questionnaires
stated it creates a humorous link between reality and the  story. This
is a way of enabling the reader to relate to the events in the  stories
more easily.

Among other parallels that have been perceived  in Pratchett's work
are the humorous parallels between modern technological  advances
in our world, and those made in the Discworld. Examples these
include "the clacks", semaphore towers that communicate messages
between  the officers of the Watch, and bear a clear resemblance to
the police  hand-held radio system now in use. There are also the
"iconographs" of  speeding carts implemented by the Watch's Traffic
Division. These are  pictures painted by imps in boxes, on top of poles
situated by the roadside.  This again draws a synchronic parallel with
the modern speed cameras, which  are in frequent use by the police
force. Pratchett effectively uses the  fantasy creatures and magical
content of the Discworld, as a replacement or  simulation of the
electronic and high-tech devices employed by the modern  police
force. This increases the readers' amount of understanding and
empathy with the events, places and characters in his stories,
as it  allows them a clear area of comparison, and enables them
to relate to this  world of fantasy, while also being aware the fantasy
has a basis in  reality.

One last comparison to be assessed is the comments made in a
piece on Peel and his achievements I encountered. "Despite a great
resistance at first to what was perceived as a breach or interference
of  civil rights, Peel's Bobbies soon became a common and respected
sight in  London and paved the way for the popular form of policing by
consent  throughout Great Britain, and also throughout the emerging
'civilised'  world." This is clearly, in respect to an accumulation of
evidence  previously discussed, the strongest and most apparent
parallel encountered  between the Watch and the Metropolitan
police force. It appears that  Pratchett has effectively used this
direction and process of development of  the Metropolitan police,
as a grounding basis for the development of the  Watch. This is a
way of engaging the readers' attention to this process of  development,
and therefore holding their interest and empathy, as the Watch
and its officers progress.

CONCLUSION:

In conclusion, and in  respect to my initial hypothesis on the
depth of the parallels between  Vimes' character and Peel,
there appears not to be as much evidence of this  similarity
as I first assumed. On the contrary, apart from the parallel
between the nicknames that the men, who are trained by
Vimes in  Pratchett's work and the standards set by Peel
in the modern world, are  known by to the public, the
evidence in fact indicated more differences and  contrasts
between the two.

The more I researched into the two men the  more evidence
I encountered that highlighted the contrasts between them,
in both social standing, and in their outlook on life. I can only
speculate on the notion that possibly Pratchett uses these
contrasting  traits as a device to add texture and humour to
the development of Vimes'  character, and to aid in the creation
of more opportunities for comedy by  association. That is, that
people notice the initial parallel, and upon  recognising a familiar
situation are amused when an unexpected aspect is  introduced,
as a way to ridicule or send up the real life subject.

It  is necessary to mention at this point that the opposite was in
fact true for  the Watch and the Metropolitan police, as I researched
more into these  parallels and as the development progressed,
I noticed more parallels became  clear. Pratchett uses a fine
example of synchronic parallels, by allowing  the development of
new technologies and methods of law enforcement in the  Watch
to develop alongside and in sequence with the advances of the
modern police force. This assists the reader in suspending their
disbelief and becoming more empathetic toward the narrative as a  whole.

Although my investigation of this area contradicted my initial
hypothesis I also discovered many other parallels that are used
by  Pratchett. Not just in his creation of the Watch and Vimes,
but also in many  other areas of his novels, from current events
to famous film scenes.

It would be most interesting, if I had enough time, to look in
more  detail at other books and characters in Pratchett's work,
and to analyse the  parallels he has created there also.
Unfortunately, as I discovered, the  deeper you research into
these references the more of them you discover, as  every reader
has a different perception and reflection on each comparison
depending on their own general knowledge and background.

Pratchett  is, as his email shows, aware of this factor and the
effect it has on his  work. There is strong evidence to show that
devices like the ones Pratchett  uses are known to create reader
participation, which in turn increases the  reader's enjoyment.

Much of the interpretation of his work depends on  the reader's
subjective views and experiences. His effectiveness in using
the involvement of the reader as a literary tool to assist his
comical,  and dramatic timing, is something I feel contributes
to the richness of his  work. This is one of the many reasons
why he is seen as one of the most  popular and respected
authors of the genre.

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9)  HOW I DISCOVERED TERRY PRATCHETT

by Steven D'Aprano

I will never  forget the first time I picked up a Discworld novel. I
was going to  University at the time. I was in a specialist
Science Fiction and Fantasy  book store -- anyone from Melbourne
will probably know Minotaur Books --  looking for the latest Larry
Niven novel, when I noticed a stack of  paperbacks with the most
fascinating covers.

The cover was so bright  and colourful and *busy* and its very
comic-book awfulness was somehow  appealing: there was a strange
box with dozens of dear little feet flying  through the air. Sitting
on the box, or holding on for dear life, were a  tall, ghostly-pale
woman, a wizard, a strange-looking four-eyed man, and a  pair of
barbarian warriors. Beneath them, trolls waved axes, birds  flew
around them, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse followed  them.

At first I wasn't terribly impressed -- it was just fantasy, and  I
was into Science Fiction with Capital Letters. Oh, I had read
Tolkien,  of course, and Larry Niven's fantasy was great, and it
wasn't exactly like I  had anything against dragons. But fantasy
wasn't working for me; most of what  I had read had been humourless
and yet silly at the same time.

But the  cover was so bad it was good, and it certainly caught my
eye. It was, of  course, by Josh Kirby, an artist I'd never heard of
but soon came to seek  out. I read the blurb and thought it had
promise, but I'd been burnt by  so-called humorous fantasy before. I
needed to know more about The Light  Fantastic. So I did what I always
do: I skimmed the book, opening it at  random, reading a paragraph
here, half a page there.

And that's when I  found The Line. (Or rather, The Paragraph, but
that doesn't sound as  good.)

As soon as I found The Line, I knew that *this* book was  different:
it may have been a silly fantasy parody, but it was a fantasy  parody
by somebody who actually had a sense of humour. A very rare  thing
indeed.

"In fact the Gods were as puzzled by all this as the  wizards were,
but they were powerless to do anything and in any case were  engaged
in an eons-old battle with the Ice Giants, who had refused to  return
the lawnmower."

A small thing, it is true, but back then The  Line resonated in my
brain like a particle of inspiration. It was that moment  that I knew
that I had to have that book, and I had to have it now. Er,  or
rather, I had to have it then. I was hooked.

How did you get  started with Discworld? What first caused you to open
the covers and start  reading? Write to WOSSNAME  at
<JSCHAUM111@...>

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10)  PUMPKIN MEET CONTINUES?

Date: 24th February 2005
Venue: downtown  Melbourne and Automatic Cafe at Crown
Attending: Jerm, Dru, SteVen, Libwolf,  Matt, Mad Meg Mogg,
and lots of mosquitos

(continued more or  less)

Joe,

It is Desperation Time in Melbourne ... no one can  remember anything.
I'm drawing a complete blank on further Pumpkin Meet  reports - not
that I can't remember what went on, but it seems, um, boring  heheh ...

--  Dru
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dru,

As  for the Pumpkin report, see what you can improvise. I never
said it had to  be strictly factual <):-)   Perhaps something from  the
Pumpkin Meet on Mondo Bizzaro might fill the bill -- talks by
Carrot's sister Buffy Ironfoundersson, the dwarf vampire Slayer
--  strange creatures from other-dimensional DW places where the
sun does not  shine -- Dibbler's cheapest menus -- exciting fights
between Gaspode and  Greebo -- visiting DW horoscopers like
Anaemia Asterisk and the Ghost of  Lady Aranluc. Not to mention
guest appearances by Dr.Rjinswand, Ronald  Saveloy, and Rob Anybody.

--   Joe
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Joe,

Hah!  Just got to my Hotmail - my own Hex is being er um difficult
ATM so I shut  it down yesterday (which we normally NEVER do)
and just woke it up now. I'll  see what I can do!

Sarah just came up with a great idea re pumpkins --  involving
Nanny Ogg being in a pumpkin bake-off, including much complaining
because she's had her *special* ingredients confiscated!

~wanders off  to write...something for WN~ something ........

--  Dru
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dru,

We're  going to press.  Now!   Aaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dru, Dru,  Dru.........wot am I gonna do?

--  Joe
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11) LETTERS FROM  OUR READERS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(Ed:  This came in somehow and I would normally reject
it, but it seems to mean  something.  I'm not sure just what.)

On Fri, Mar 04, 2005 at  09:17:07AM +1100, Megan Ruff wrote:

To the Editor:

> >  >Of course, I'm also infinitely grateful to Pterry for the enrichment  of
> > > language and provision of many a reference, handy for use  in unlikely
> > > situations.  It's even better if I'm  accompanied by someone who _gets_
> > > the > > >  references.
> >
> > People here are always looking at me  strange when I come out with Pterry
> > references - at least in Hull I  knew a couple of people who read
> > Discworld, > > none of my  friends here do. And it's even harder when you
> > have to speak  French!
> >
> You definitely have to pick your audience.   In fact I used to get told off
> > for excessive quotage by a person  who wouldn't be convinced to read the
> > source.

My roommate,  an avid fan, is also quite an accomplished dress maker.
One day she was  complaining about not making enough money, and
without thinking, I told her  she should form a Guild of Seamstresses.
Five long, silent seconds pass. We  both burst into fits of laughter,
whilst everyone else is just looking at us  funny.

I seem to have misplaced my random sig generator!

--  Lujan
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====Part   2  MINICON (USA)  -- THE FULL REPORT   (continued)
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Part  Four -- You Just Can't Go Wrong with Humorous Vegetables:
Bissonomy,  Bribery, and the Masquerade

by Anna M. Conina

As Val explained,  volunteers are a convention's lifeblood.  Motivated by
the pure spirit  of altruism, not some selfish goal of breakfasting with
Terry, I only took  the Pratchett Pounds to humor Val.  And if you
believe that, I have a  Brass Bridge I'd like to sell you, bargain price,
it's cutting me own throat  . . . .

Still, we did continue volunteering after we had earned  sufficient
Pratchett Pounds, simply because the staff at Minicon made it  such
tremendous fun.*  Plus, our Tart Couture fit right in with the art  show
leitmotif of Nearly Naked Ladies.**  And in the end, we learned a  moral:
contrary to the Seamstress/Assassin credo, sometimes virtue really is
its own reward.  When Lisa Freitag sought two experienced,  costume-savvy
volunteers to work as masquerade judges alongside a certain  Judge Terry,
just guess which ones she asked?

Guess how quickly we  agreed?

So by the time Terry wandered in, it was already a fait  accompli.***  As
Greg got us drinks and the band Folk Underground  played songs written by
Neil Gaiman, Terry and his Seamstress/Assassin  escorts mingled with the
party crowd, admired the costumes, and debated  about the winners.  We
watched two Nanny Oggs, complete with Greebos,  chatting with Magrat
while Sacharissa Cripslock struck a roving reporter  pose.  Among the
non-Discworld costumes were a Monty Python crusader  and his fanged
rabbit, a sylvan fairy, and a technically astounding Disco  Borg, lit up
like a neon Locutus of Las Vegas.  In the absence of any  formal entries,
rules, or systematic structure, Val and I took frantic notes  and photos,
improvising madly.  At one point, while Val took pictures  and Terry
signed a book for a fan, I ended up juggling my basket, my camera,  my
bottle of water, Val's bottle of water, and Terry's beer; this led to my
favorite photo of the convention, a shot of me holding Terry's beer just
out of reach while he grabs for it in mock distress.
Seamstress/Assassins can be so very, very cruel.

Finally, honorable  mentions and "Winner" necklaces went to the robed
Sweeper, Rincewind, and a  "Modest and Unassuming Wizard" in a costume
that exemplified the color-blind  tastelessness of his profession.  When
Terry ascended the stage with  his tarty assistants to bestow the top
three awards, Lady LeJean gained  third prize for bribing us with
chocolate "in the true spirit of  Ankh-Morpork," while two different
Deaths of Rats tied for second in  costumes that revealed enormous
quantities of work in their  construction.  First place went to the
ingenious Bissonomy****, the  little-known virtue mentioned in _Going
Postal_, complete with the requisite  kettle and parsnips (none of which,
alas, were humorously shaped).  In  Terry's words, she had taken a tiny
corner of Discworld lore and "gotten it  exactly right."

As the winners happily claimed their Dealer Dollars, good  for purchases
in the dealer's room, Terry thanked us for our help while Greg  and Lisa
gave us both free books from DreamHaven.  Allow me to repeat  that: Val
and I received thanks, praise, and gifts in exchange for the  onerous
task of hanging out with Terry for the better part of an  hour.

I think we somehow managed to get it "exactly right,"  too.
--------------------

* For example, as we checked purses at the  art show, one nice young man
with very talented hands bestowed free shoulder  massages while
whispering the Seamstress/Assassin version of sweet nothings  in our ears
(such as "piles of money . . . inflicting pain . . .").  We  quite liked him.

**Terry's theory that fairy art exists as an "excuse to  paint young
women in the nude" was amply evidenced by canvases of living  color.
Mostly fleshtones.  Big buckets o' fleshtones.  No wonder  Minicon
survived for 40 years; where else could men see so much skin on  public
display in the middle of a Minnesota March?

*** Latin for  "punishment for being late."

**** Am I the only one who thinks Bissonomy  sounds less like a virtue
and more like an act even a Seamstress/Assassin  would hesitate to
commit?  "You are under arrest for aggravated  Bissonomy -- with intent
to Tubso, you sick [expletive  deleted]."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Part  Five -- Guess Who's Coming to Dinner:
Eating, Drinking, and Generally Making  Merry
with The Great One

by Anna M. Conina

Contrary to what  you might expect, Val and I actually maintained a
discreet distance from  Terry on the first day of the convention;
annoying my favorite author is not  my goal in life.  However, when we
passed him in the hall on Friday  morning, he stopped us to confirm that
I was amenable to "filling the  stalker space" by officially assuming the
title of "Designated  Stalker."  That evening, as Val and I perused a
board full of flyers, I  was startled by a knock on my Cheery helmet.
"What's this thing made of?"  Terry asked, and after a few moments of
costume chat, invited us to join him  in the consuite for a drink.  For
the next hour, he proceeded to  discuss the influence of the book _The
Victorian Internet_ on _Going  Postal_, perform a dead-on impression of
Rowley Birkin from the BBC's "The  Fast Show" (properly punctuating each
slurred, half-intelligible rant with  "Of course, I was very, very
drunk"), and share the intimate details of the  plot and characters from
his next five books.

Okay, that bit about  the next five books is just wishful thinking.  But
the rest is true,  and my point is this:  if he truly thought we were
irritating nutjobs,  he was doing a damn poor job of avoiding us.
Therefore, Val and I decided we  would just relax and enjoy conversing
with him at the convention until he  either stopped approaching us or
told us in no uncertain terms to bugger  off.

And that is how The Dinner came about.

After the Noreascon  Lunch of Doom, I had vowed never again to subject
Terry to the silent misery  of sharing a meal with me (as an officially
sponsored convention event, the  volunteer breakfast doesn't count).
Fortunately, Val had made no such vow,  and on Sunday morning took the
initiative to invite Greg, Lisa, and Terry to  join us for dinner that
night as thanks for all their kindness during the  convention.  Deprived
of time to rehearse plausible excuses, all three  of them not only
accepted, but also showed up.  This time, there was no  shortage of
conversation, all of it interesting and most of it funny, and  while I
doubt I coined any phrases destined for _Bartlett's_, I did manage  to
speak in mostly complete sentences -- nouns and verbs and everything --
as Terry teased me about my attack of mute awe at Noreascon.  He
actually asked Val and me our opinion about a line from _Thud!_.*  I
even gained the biggest laugh of the night (no mean feat when Terry's at
your table) when I accidentally stole Greg's credit card as we both
lunged for the bill.**  Then, as Val and I said our goodbyes and
promised to leave Terry to enjoy the rest of his evening in
well-deserved peace,  he offered me a "chaste kiss upon the cheek, in
front of witnesses" and an invitation to resume my stalking duties at
the L.A. Worldcon in 2006.

Little did this unfortunate author know  that he would be seeing us both
long before then.  At the urging of my  friend Kris in England, we
prepared a card for her to take to the Oxford  Literary Festival:
http://www.wizardsandwarriors.org/images/crownhelm/SA_longdistance.jpg

Even  worse, impressed by my success, Val has pledged herself to study as
Apprentice Stalker under my direction, hoping someday to achieve the
exalted status of Co-Stalker at my side. To that end, we have made a
very special purchase.  We are now proud owners of memberships to the
2006 Discworld Convention in Hinckley.

It might be best if you don't  tell Terry.

-----------------------------------------

*It had to  do with the use of the word "bosom."  Apparently he thought
our corsets  had granted us some expertise, although he cited Margaret
Rutherford as the  possessor of the archetypical "bosom like a couch."

**Yes, it was an  accident.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Although as Terry  said, "You can't take the dark out of the girl . . .  ."

----------------------------------------------

The Minicon  Fortean website:
http://www.mnstf.org/minicon40/

The Minicon Fortean  Live Journal:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/minicon40/

Anna's  Shutterfly Minicon  Photos:
http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeANG7Fo4aOWzpo

Val's  Minicon Photo  Page
http://www.wizardsandwarriors.org/crownhelm/minicon.htm

David  Dyer-Bennet's Minicon Photo  Page
http://www.dd-b.net/dd-b/SnapshotAlbum/data/2005/03250-Minicon-40/
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End   of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of   5
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If  you did not get all 5 parts, write:   jschaum111@...




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