WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5)  CASTING THE DISCWORLD

To the Editor:

Further to casting for Discworld characters,
I've always liked the idea of Sigourney Weaver as
Granny Weatherwax and Dolly Parton as Nanny Ogg!

-- Stan Flatters, UK

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) DISCWORLD SERIES GETTING DARKER?

To the Editor:

Does anyone know why the books are getting darker;
and more Watch oriented. You can scarcely read a book
these days without seeing "His Grace, His exellency, etc. etc. "

-- pikachu

To the Editor:

Well, I think I agree with the other readers then...seriously, as
far as Hogfather was concerned I thought the character of
J.Teh-ah Time-eh was created with particular creepiness
even though I've seen echoes of that psychotic frame of mind
in t.v serials and movies.  Who's your dark character?

--TFM

To the Editor:

Well, I hope you like dark. They get darker. I like the newer
ones even better, because I like dark. But it isn't to the
taste of other readers.

-- Stacie Hanes
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(7) FIRE THE PROOF-READER

To the Editor:

Well, if you see "His exellency" in a Discworld novel, I think PTerry
should have his proof-reader fired :-)

But seriously ... the reason the Discworld novels are getting darker is
that PTerry is becoming a more mature, deeper writer.

Although, I don't actually agree that his books are getting *darker*. To
me, a dark story is something like the other Terry's "Brazil" (Gilliam
of course), or the wonderful "Doomsday Book" by Connie Willis, or
something like "1984" or "Animal Farm."

I think Pratchett is just getting more serious, in the sense that his
stories have less emphasis on the wacky puns and more on the story and
plot. That isn't to say that they aren't funny, but much of it is wry
humour instead of characters wearing silly fake noses, if you know what
I mean. The humour is more thoughtful.

Every time PTerry brings out a new book, people complain that he's
getting darker. But I don't think he is, or at least not since Mort or
maybe even Equal Rites. The Colour of Magic and The Light Fantastic
don't count, they are so utterly light-weight, just pure send-ups.

I think what has happened is that people discover the Discworld for the
first time, they fall in love with the humour and the jokes and the
songs about hedgehogs, and they don't notice just how serious the books
are. Then after a few years of PTerry's influence, they gradually
notice the depth and maturity of the novels, and forget that it was
there in all of them.

For instance, I remember when Carpe Jugulum came out. "It's too dark,"
wailed many people -- but reading it, it is no darker than Hogfather,
or Lords and Ladies, which those same people chortled and chuckled
through a few years before.

So I don't believe that PTerry has changed his style very much, at least
not since Mort. He had settled into what we think of as the Discworld
style, and everything he has done since then has been to just polish
and shine it, not reinvent it.

As for the Discworld being more Watch oriented, it is no secret that
PTerry is fascinated with the social evolution of cities and the people
in them.

This is why he has spend to much time on taking Ankh-Morpork from a
pseudo-medieval parody of a city to a post-Renaissance pre-Industrial
Revolution city -- although still a parody of a city, it is a more
thoughtful and deep parody. The old A-M was little more than those
props from Holy Wood made of cheap timber and painted canvas. The new
A-M is much more real.

The Wizards don't really count -- they are the comedy relief of the
Discworld, bless them, and we'd all be a lot worse off without them,
but the Wizards don't really have much depth of character. They are
caricatures. But Vetinari and Vimes, they are more real than most real
people. They are concentrated essense-of-person, archetypes.

Of the 31 Discworld novels, PTerry has written:

2 Cohen novels;
5 Wizards novels;
7 Witches novels;
5 Death/Susan novels;
6 Watch novels;
and 6 others that don't fit into any of the above.

Of the latest 10 novels, (Jingo to Monstrous Regiment) only three are
City Watch novels, although it is true that Vimes has a minor role to
play in two more.

The short answer to why PTerry is focused more on Vimes and less on
Rincewind is a simple one: Vimes is a much more complex character, and
PTerry can write much more interesting stories about him! After all,
what does Rincewind do except run away? :-)

-- Steven D'Aprano
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
KFL MEETINGS AROUND THE WORLD
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) TANGOMEET AND ACCIDENTAL MELMEET

When: 28th January 2004
Where: the Melbourne hippie district (aka Fitzroy)
Who: Dru, Hania Ogg, Steven, assorted hippies and
              Pagans, and a Magrat

Since people have been recovering from the Hogswatch
festivities, no-one had managed to organise a MelMeet.
But yesterday I was suddenly-and-with-little-warning
abducted by the elusive Hania Ogg and a carload of
New Age Pagans. And where was this be-costumed,
bejeweled, incense-wafting crowd heading? Why, to
a Ballroom Dancing lesson, specifically a Tango one.

"How weird is that?" I asked myself, but went along
anyway with the festive air (and the Melbourne smog).
On the way to Fitzroy we had a lively discussion of
the repressive nature of a certain country's so-called
Religious Right and how these people claim that
Discworld and Harry Potter books are evil and dangerous
and corrupt the minds of children by promoting witchcraft
and Satanism.

Yeah, right -- what they really fear is that writers like
Terry Pratchett encourage free-thinking and
poke fun at the very sort of people who would make
such claims! One of our party, a lady who is so very much
the image of Magrat that I've long since forgotten her
Roundworld name, began shouting out the window: "I
am the Witch Queen of Lancre and I have come to
seduce your children to the ways of herbal tea-making
and natural healing!" Quite amusing, really.

The tango class was fascinating, a wide cross-section of
all sorts of people united only by their inability to dance
gracefully. Hania Ogg, as always, filled the room with
single entendres and kept everyone giggling. There was
even a failed attempt to convince the tango teacher to
let them practise the Stick and Bucket Dance!

Eventually all sore feet and kicked shins retired from the
dance floor, and we headed down the street to meet
Steven at the Bar Bukka, a music-venue pub straight out
  of 1972, where Wendy Rule and her acoustic band were
playing. Wendy is a stunning-looking lady (her photos don't
do her justice) from Melbourne with a faux Knightsbridge
accent, a lovely contralto voice, fascinating taste in coats
and corsetry, and an apparent conviction that she's Stevie
Nicks reborn, which may come as a surprise to the
still-living Stevie Nicks:

http://www.wendyrule.com

The Bar Bukka has a devoted regular clientele whose
attire and attitudes prove that hippies are alive and
well in the 21st Century. It's a very friendly place that
specialises in exotic liqueurs and cocktails and very
sensible prices. I recognised many of the patrons from
Hania Ogg's Solstice party last month -- lovely people,
and about as devil-worshippy as Mrs Cosmopilite!

After the gig, Steven and I headed off to walk the half-
hour back to central Melbourne for our train home. On
the way, Steven fulfilled a promise he made to me long
ago by taking a route through Parliament Gardens to
show me the possums. Oh, they are amazing little
creatures! The Fourecksian answer to the squirrel in many
ways, they are so used to humans that they stood calmly
as we passed near them, and a few were even so bold as
to approach us looking for treats. I know that Ecksians
consider them a pest, but amongst the old oaks and
equally old native trees of the park, they are a delight.
And again, photographs don't do them justice.

Hania Ogg informed us that there's to be a Pagans Picnic
on the weekend after next. We might well go. I see a
cauldron in my future...

-- Report by Drusilla D'Afanguin

(Ed note: My dog Luke certainly knows how to do justice
to possums.  We have them in Miami, Florida, too -- and
Luke snaps their neck in about 5 seconds, especially
if they are doing their "playing dead" trick.)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
9) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.   Read the letters backwards and
discover what item vital for the Coronation of the
Low King of the Dwarfs in Uberwald was missing.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1999 Doubleday edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Low King's Ideas Taster (2nd letter of name)
2. President of the Guild of Watchmen (last name, 1st letter)
3. Angua's brother (first name, 2nd letter)
4. Captain of the Bonk City Watch (last name, 1st letter)
5. A gnome 6 inches tall but a mile high in pent-up aggression
        (last name, 1st letter)
6. Angua's mother (first name, 5th letter)
7. A teetotaller Lady vampire (first name, 5th letter)
8. An old-fashioned dwarf next in line to the throne (first name, 5th letter)
9. Vetinari's clerk and secret Assassin (first name, 2nd letter)
10. Candle Captain of the Dwarfs (first name, 2nd letter)
11. A traffic troll who clamped carts (last name, 1st letter)
12. Makes things by dipping them in rubber (last name, 1st letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/  = Vital item needed for Coronation
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/ 11/12/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: CARPE JUGULUM
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. Lancre's standing army (first name, 1st letter)
        SHAWN OGG = S
2. A soldier of the Count, known to his friends as "Bent Bill"
(last name, 2nd letter)
        SGT. KRAPUT = R
3. A priest of the Omnian religion (first name, 8th letter)
        MIGHTILY OATS = Y
4. The firebird. (1st letter)
        PHOENIX = P
5. The Count's coachman and servant (first name, 2nd letter)
        IGOR = G
6. The Count's daughter (first name, 2nd letter)
        LACRIMOSA = A
7. The maid at Lancre Castle (first name, 1st letter)
        MILLIE CHILLUM = M
8. The Kelda (last name, 5th letter)
        BIG AGGIE = E
9. Hodgesaargh 's eagle [second name, 1st letter)
        KING HENRY = H
10. Granny of Esme (last name, 4th letter)
        ALISON WEATHERWAX = T

S_/R_/Y_/P_/G_/A_/M_/E_/H_/T_/   = They took control of Lancre
1*/ 2*/ 3*/ 4*/ 5*/ 6*/ 7*/ 8*/ 9*/ 10/       THE MAGPYRS

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10) NOT YOUR LONG-AWAITED DISC HOROSCOPE
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Once again, the cosmic channels from Discworld are jammed.
We tried to pick up the horoscope report from our sister
Spanish edition, but for some reason our Spanish translation
program was not working at all.  Not to be put off,  we found
another translation program which produced results like this:
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Today: RESACA AND SLOPE OF JANUARY

Another month more in company of the stars, this time to help you
to I am- brellevar with grace and donosura the slope of January,
that to cost cues- ta little, at least to me that not shot the house
by the window in na- vidades and I take advantage of the discounts
to renew wardrobe and accessory mystics..  Short, that the can
goes me.  We pass al side sobrenatu- ral:

21 March-20 April what can be a door (or a waterfall, or an arbol, o. o.  ..)


The monotony of the free bar of new year's Eve (güiski, ron,
ine- bra, fanta or cocacola, every substitute, combines as
be able, or take it or leave it, and I go to the ruin) has caused
you a shock to molecular level...."
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

We did not think there could be a worse translator program than
our old one, but you learn something every day. There has definitely
been a shock to the molecular level.  Worst of all, this seems
to be the horoscope from last month, in a badly-mangled form.

Ah well, our colleague Manu must be caught up in Uni exams,
and -- hopefully -- will fix it all next month.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
January 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 1)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc, Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) FIRST REVIEW -- THE HAT FULL OF SKY
2) AMAZON'S BLURB -- THE HAT FULL OF SKY
3) HONORS FOR THE WEE FREE MEN
4) SHADOWS OVER BAKER STREET -- A REVIEW

====Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5)  CASTING THE DISCWORLD
6) DISCWORLD SERIES GETTING DARKER
7) FIRE THE PROOF-READER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KFL MEETS AROUND THE WORLD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

8) TANGOMEET AND ACCIDENTAL MELMEET

====Part 3

9) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
10) NOT YOUR LONG-AWAITED DISC HOROSCOPE

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) FIRST REVIEW -- THE HAT FULL OF SKY

As we noted last month, Terry's new book,
THE HAT FULL OF SKY: WEE FREE MEN 2
is due out in May 2004, and due to the kindness of
Terry's editor, Jennifer Brehl, at HarperCollins, we have
obtained page proofs for a special advance review
by our own Drusilla:

Amazon US: US$ 16.99 Amazon price $11.89
Hardcover 320 pages (25 May 2004) 
Publisher: HarperCollins; ISBN: 0060586605
US Audio Cassette (Abridged) $29.95 $20.97


Amazon UK: GBP 12.99  Amazon  price: GBP 10.39
Hardcover 320 pages (25 May 2004)
Publisher: Doubleday; ISBN: 0385607369

The book came today (well, as it's now 0435 here, I
suppose it came yesterday!), but I didn't want to
write until I'd read it...however, I've been reading
it as sloooowly as I possibly could, in between
making music -- at last -- on my finally-sorta-fixed
synth and doing e-mails, because I wanted to make
it last and last and last. Because in a way that's hard
to describe, it might just be the most magical book
I've ever read.

It's Pratchett, quintessentially Pratchett. It's just as
quintessentially a Discworld novel. It plainly and satisfyingly
carries on the tale of Tiffany Aching, as begun in The
Wee Free Men, which is a book I love dearly, a book
that made me giggle and cheer, a book that affected me
as all Discworld novels have, namely by brightening
my reading time and filling my memories with light
and making me nod with empathy at the writer's sharp
yet canny understanding of human foibles and the nuts
and bolts of human society.

But The Hat Full Of Sky is something else again. As I
read it I kept feeling the air thicken around me; I felt my
inner-self breaking through veils of soft mist into places
and pieces of my childhood. I felt the same kind of eerie
yet friendly, electric magic that I used to feel when I read
Ray Bradbury books as a young girl.

Sure, there are familiar characters here, and there are
passages that make me snarfle -- especially the
ones involving the Nac Mac Feegle - but somehow
Pratchett has taken these familiar elements and spun
them around and sent them off in a new direction
altogether.

And there is darkness there as well, a very potent and
uncompromising darkness, but it's not the darkness of
Carpe Jugulum or Hogfather or Night Watch, it's more
the darkness of true monsters creeping up in the
mist -- again, like Bradbury.

I haven't quite finished The Hat Full Of Sky yet; I've stopped,
for the moment, at what seems to be just before the big
climax, because I don't want this first reading to end quite
yet. But I can give my verdict nonetheless: this is no typical
"children's book," but it does make me *feel* like a child. The
sort of child who feels the magic in dawn mist. The sort of
child who collects fireflies in a jar of an early summer's
evening and then hides under the bedcovers to read by
firefly-light, because that sort of light is full of secrets and
knowings and it keeps away the *real* darkness. What a
wonderful, wonderful book. And blimey, I think I've just
written my review of it, haven't I?

P.S. When Steven came home and picked the book up, the
first thing he said was, "Ooh, I like the cover!" Really.
This is noteworthy due to the Great DW Covers Debate
that continues to rage amongst the fans of The Master --
you may recall that I am sooo not a fan of the late Josh
Kirbymayherestinpeace, and hated the USA covers just
as much (Paul Kidby being, like, my Hero, though I think
he's in editorial, erm, publisherial{1} shackles of late {2}),
but the USA cover for The Wee Free Men was rather
charming, and this one continues the stylised Feegle
theme nicely. They're such a restful shade of blue :D

----------------------------------
{1} Wheee! Pass me another box of Instant Neologisms(TM)
please...
{2} Hmmm, I think I'll write a piece about the evolution of
DW cover art for next month's WOSSNAME, what do
you think of that?  (Ed: Go for it!)

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) AMAZON'S BLURB -- THE HAT FULL OF SKY

For those who like a bit more detail, here's what's on the
US Amazon webpage:  (not exactly spoilers, but purists
might want to avert their eyes:)

Book Description:

The Heroine: Tiffany Aching, incipient witch and cheese
maker extraordinaire. Once saved world from Queen of the
Elves. Is about to discover that battling evil monarchs is
child's play compared to mortal combat with a Hiver (see below).
At eleven years old, is boldest heroine ever to have confronted
the Forces of Darkness while armed with a frying pan.

The Threat: A Hiver, insidious disembodied presence drawn
to powerful magic. highly dangerous, frequently lethal. Cannot
be stopped with iron or fire. Its target: Tiffany Aching (see above).

The Nac Mac Feegle: A.k.a. the Wee Free Men. Height:
six inches. Color: blue. Famed for drinking, stealing, and
fighting. Will attack anything larger than themselves. Members
include: Rob Anybody, Daft Wullie, and Awfully Wee Billy
Bigchin. Allies to Tiffany Aching (see above).
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) HONORS FOR THE WEE FREE MEN

Terry's agent Colin reports:

Anne Hoppe at HarperCollins has sent me an email
listing all the honours that The Wee Free Men has
received in the US, and I thought it would be of interest
to you. Here's what she wrote:-
------------
We're just through with the American Library Association
Midwinter conference here, making it an excellent time
to bring you up-to-date on all the year-end-type-honors
The Wee Free Men has accrued in the US.
A very nice collection!

*An ALA [American Library Association] Notable Book
*An ALA Best Book for Young Adults
*A Horn Book Fanfare Title of Best Books of 2003
*A Kirkus 2003 Editor’s Choice
*A School Library Journal Best Book of the Year
*A Parenting Book of Year Award-winner
*A Bulletin of the Center for Children’s Books Blue Ribbon Book
*A New York Public Library 100 Titles for Reading and Sharing book
Parent’s Guide to Children’s Media, Inc: “Recognizes
achievement in children’s books 2003”

... plus starred reviews in Horn Book, Kirkus, School
Library Journal, Publishers Weekly, Kliatt

-- Colin Smythe
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) SHADOWS OVER BAKER STREET -- A REVIEW

Edited by Michael Reaves and John Pelan
Published by Ballantine Books - Del Rey, New York
$23.95  446 pages Copyright 2003

When Grampa Joe gave me this book for Christmas,
I was dubious of its merit. A series of short stories in
which Conan Doyle's world of Sherlock Holmes meets
Lovecraft's world of Cthulhu can go wrong in so many
ways. After all, how can the logical world of Holmes
possibly combine with the eldritch world of the Cthulhu
mythos? And what does it have to with Terry Pratchett?

To my astonishment, I found that a book called the
Necrotelicomnicon is featured in both Equal Rites
and Moving Pictures.  An outer-dimensional monster
called Yob Soddoth is also in Moving Pictures.  And
of course, you remember the unfortunate Mr. Hong,
owner of the short-lived Three Jolly Luck Take-Away
Fish Bar, which was built on the site of the old
temple on Dagon Street.

The Holmes references are a bit more obscure. There
is, for example, a group called the Cable Street
Particulars in Maskerade and, of course, the new
home of the Watch is in Pseudopolis Yard.  (Ed:
Anyone spotted any other Lovecraftian or Holmes
allusions?)

But I am pleased to say that the writers of this anthology
have handled this mishmosh with sensitivity, remaining true
to the original characters while creating a pleasing union
of worlds. Not only were the stories well crafted, but it was
great fun to "spot the references".

A great book for fans of Holmes and/or The Dark Elder Gods.

-- Asti Osborn
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
February 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 2)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc, Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) THE SEVEN AGES OF DISCWORLD
      The Harrisson Chronology

====Part 2

1) THE SEVEN AGES OF DISCWORLD
      The Harrisson Chronology (continued)


====Part 3

2) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE TRUTH
3) SALES OF FOREIGN RIGHTS ON THE RISE

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) THE SEVEN AGES OF DISCWORLD
      The Harrisson Chronology

(Editor's Note: This article first appeared, in reduced form,
in Issue 82 of Discworld Monthly. I was struck by what a
useful tool this chronology could be and asked the author,
a young lady named Juliette Harrisson, if she would like to
expand it and propose actual dates.  To those who think
this is heresy, I would like to refer them to THE TRUTH,
in which several references are made to actual dates:
p.89 - "the winter in 1902",  p.118 - "who graduated with full
honors from the Guild of Assassins in 1968", p.150 "since 1961."
Ms. Harrisson has obliged and created what I suspect will
be called "The Harrisson Chronology" from now on.)

                  ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A British television station recently ran a series called 'The Seven Ages
of Britain', in which British history was divided into seven neat little
packages, presumably making it easier to digest. Divisions like this
are not unique to British history; the ancient Greeks were very keen
on dividing their world into Ages of gods and men, and leaving reality
behind us, even Middle Earth has its First to Fourth Ages. Over the
course of 28 novels, the Discworld has developed a complex history
all of its very own, and the time seems to have come to look back
and produce the definitive Seven Ages of Discworld.

When faced with thousands of years of the history of an entire planet,
precise dating can become rather complicated. The only system of
dating known to exist on the Disc is Ankh-Morpork's somewhat
outdated system, which is presumably intended to count the years
from the legendary founding of the city. However, the system has
become somewhat confused over the years; the Civil War took place
in 432 according to the 'old' calendar and 1688 by the 'current' one.

It seems more likely that the current calendar stems from one or
both of two momentous events which occurred approximately
two thousand years ago. Omnians almost certainly take their dates
from the birth of their greatest prophet, Brutha, personally appointed
Cenobiarch by the Great God Om himself. All the years before Brutha's
lifetime may therefore be referred to as BB, Before Brutha, while
subsequent years are AB, After Brutha. The spread of Omnianism,
spurred on by keen devotees like Constable
Visit-the-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets, has since led to the adoption of
this system by many other,
smaller countries.

The system happily coincides with the founding of Unseen University
approximately two thousand years ago, and is therefore easily
adaptable for use in Ankh-Morpork, currently the centre of civilisation
on the Disc. Recently, some pressure groups have argued that a new
system should be found that does not refer to any one of the city's many
religions, and have taken to referring to the BB years as VLA (Very Long Ago)

and the AB years as QRR (Quite Recently Really). However, since they use
exactly the same actual numbers, this practice hasn't really caught on.

The Counterweight Continent has its own system, as does the mysterious
continent of Fourecks. Unfortunately these exotic lands are so
mysterious, we know next to nothing about them, and they do not feature
  prominently in Morporkian history chronicles (known to some as the
Discworld novels).

THE FIRST AGE -- PREHISTORY

We know little of the early days of the Discworld, but over time we have
been blessed with the occasional glimpse of what it was like At The
Very Beginning.

In the beginning was the Creator, a very busy man with a lot of work to
do, and the presence of Rincewind and Eric can't have made his job
any easier (Eric). Shortly afterwards a small island's evolution was
forever marred by the sudden appearance of Archchancellor Ridcully,
the Dean, the Bursar, the Senior Wrangler, the Chair of Indefinite Studies,
the Lecturer in Recent Runes and Ponder Stibbons (The Last Continent).

That about sums it up for what we know of Discworld prehistory. Archaeology
does not yet seem to have caught on; even the existence of Ankh-Morpork's
sewer system remains unknown to many. Perhaps in a world where Time
is personified and mummies break out of their own pyramids, it is advisable
not to pry too deeply into the distant past.

At some point, people, trolls, dwarfs and other miscellaneous 'intelligent'
beings started to evolve, and the planet must have realised it was in
trouble.

THE SECOND AGE -- THE AGE OF MYTH

No civilisation is complete without an Age of Myth. This would more usually
be referred to in our world as the Age of Heroes, but since Rincewind's
ancestors are involved, that might not be the most appropriate term.

According to the dwarfs, shortly after the Creation a fifth elephant lost
his footing and crash-landed on the surface of the planet, breaking apart
the continents. This elephant is said to be the source of all the precious
metals and fat the dwarfs have since mined in Uberwald. This particular
myth has yet to be verified by anyone who is not a dwarf (The Fifth
Elephant).

One of oldest mythological personifications on the Disc is the Hogfather,
who was originally a winter god associated with the killing of pigs at this
time of year, taking the shape of a blood-soaked wild boar. In later years,
he has become a more genial figure, his habit of leaving presents for good
children and a bag of bloody bones for bad children said to originate from
the story of a legendary king who threw sausages at some hungry young
women (Hogfather).

At around 7000 BB, a man with a snake staff, who bore a strange resemblance
to
Djelibeybi's last high priest, Dios, crawled out of the waters of the Djel
with some interesting ideas about pyramids (Pyramids). This event counts as
mythological
partly because of the mysterious and little-understood nature of the pyramids

and partly because it happened so very long ago.

Hundreds of years before the Modern Age the legendary island of Leshp was
built upon and became a centre of culture before sinking into the depths
of the Circle Sea (Jingo). It is said that the legendary brass gongs can
still be heard clanging on stormy nights. Not long after, a woman was
born whose face launched a thousand ships, which perhaps accounts for
her less than glamorous general appearance when Rincewind and Eric
met her s ten years later (Eric). They arrived at the climax of the
ten-year long Tsortean War, at which time Rincewind's ancestor
Lavaeolus was doing his best to end the war as quickly as possible.
Lavaeolus was the finest military mind on Klatch and this astounding
new military tactic earned him Hero status.

There are two legends concerning the founding of Ankh-Morpork.
The first is that it was founded by two orphaned brothers who were
suckled by a hippopotamus, these creatures being said to have once
inhabited the River Ankh, though they have since dissolved. The second
is that a group of wise men once built an enormous boat to save two
of every kind of animal on the Disc from a terrible flood, and that after
some months they threw the gathering manure over the side of the boat
and called it Ankh-Morpork.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
2) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE TRUTH
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
discover who was behind the overthrow of Vetinari.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2000 HarperCollins edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Vampire iconographer  (last name,  5th letter)
2. Editor of the Ankh-Morpork Times (last name, 4th letter)
3. King of the Golden River (first name, 3rd letter)
4. First female reporter on the Ankh-Morpork Times (last name, 7th letter)
5. Lord Vetinari's dog (first name, 1st letter)
6. President of the Guild of Shoemakers and Leatherworkers
     (last name, 6th letter)
7. The UU Bursar (last name, 1st letter)
8. Dwarf who was second in command in printshop (last name, 3rd l;etter)
9. A double of Vetinari (first name, 4th letter)
10. Cofounder of the Ankh-Morpork Times (last name, 2nd letter)
11. Partner of Mr. Pin (last name 3rd letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/  = Vital item needed for Coronation
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/ 11/12/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. Low King's Ideas Taster (2nd letter of name)
        DEE = E
2. President of the Guild of Watchmen (last name, 1st letter)
        C.W. ST. J. NOBBS = N
3. Angua's brother (first name, 2nd letter)
        WOLFGANG VON UBERWALD = O
4. Captain of the Bonk City Watch (last name, 1st letter)
        CAPTAIN TANTONY = T
5. A gnome 6 inches tall but a mile high in pent-up agression
        (last name, 1st letter)
        CONSTABLE SWIRES = S
6. Angua's mother (first name, 5th letter)
        LADY SERAFINE VON UBERWALD = F
7. A teetotaller Lady vampire (first name, 5th letter)
        LADY MARGOLETTA = O
8. An old-fashioned dwarf next in line to the throne (first name, 5th letter)
        ALBRECHT ALBRECHTSON = E
9. Vetinari's clerk and secret Assassin (first name, 2nd letter)
        INIGO SKINNER = N
10. Candle Captain of the Dwarfs (first name, 2nd letter)
        DOZY LONGFINGER = O
11. A traffic troll who clamped carts (last name, 1st letter)
        CONSTABLE CHERT = C
12. Makes things by dipping them in rubber (last name, 1st letter)
        WALLACE SONKY = S

E_/N_/O_/T_/S_/F_/O_/E_/N_/O_/C_/S_/  = Vital item needed for Coronation
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/ 11/12/   =  SCONE OF STONE

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) SALES OF FOREIGN RIGHTS ON THE RISE

Terry's agent, Colin Smythe, reports a booming market in
foreign sales:

Dutch rights: De Boekerij  are to publish Night Watch and
The Wee Free Men

Finnish: Karisto are to publish Small Gods and are also going
to publish paperback editions of The Colour of Magic and
The Light Fantastic. They had published The Wee Free Men
and have contracted A Hat Full of Sky

Slovenia: Vale-Novak are to publish The Colour of Magic

Brazil: Conrad are buying Pyramids and Guards! Guards!

Slovak language: Talpress are to publish Slovak edition of
The Light Fantastic and Equal Rites

Japanese: Choeisha are buying Reaper Man

Spanish rights: Random House Mondadori are buying trade
rights in Interesting Times and in an unillustrated edition of Eric

Poland: Terry has received the "AS EMPIKU" award (Empik
being the major chain of bookstores in Poland) for the best book
in the Foreign Fantastic Fiction 2003 category for "Interesting Times".
The book won it as a result of voting by Polish readers.

The Wee Free Men is also to be published in Chinese [Taiwan]
by Commonwealth; Czech by Talpress; Danish by Borgens and
in Greek by Psichogios.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion








[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
THE SEVEN AGES OF DISCWORLD (continued)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

THE THIRD AGE -- EARLY HISTORY

This Age covers all those historical events referred to in the chronicles
which took place before the first of our surviving Morporkian history
chronicles, The Colour of Magic. Naturally, this is a pretty busy Age,
so those events presented here are edited highlights.

The beginning of the Third Age is marked by the birth of Brutha,
supreme prophet of the Omnian church. The church had gone a little --
well, a lot -- wrong and despite (or perhaps because of) the efforts of
the Quisition, the Great God Om was down to just one true believer --
Brutha the novice (Small Gods). However, after a series of events led
to Om manifesting himself in front of several thousand people and
personally appointing Brutha Cenobiarch, belief in Om was reinvigorated
and evangelism reformed into a more peaceful approach involving explanatory
pamphlets.

At the same time, two important academic developments took place.
The Great Library of Ephebe was burned down, possibly by its own
librarian, the philosopher Didactylos, and all books contained therein
are believed (possibly incorrectly) to have been lost (Small Gods).
Meanwhile, in Ankh-Morpork, the Disc's premier college of wizardry,
the Unseen University, was founded by Alberto Malich (Mort). One can
only presume that the two events are unconnected. Shortly before his
appointed death, Alberto Malich mysteriously disappeared. A statue was
erected in his memory, but is no longer available for viewing by the general
public.

At around 500 AB, the Scone of Stone was established as the seat of the
Low King of the dwarfs (The Fifth Elephant). At an unspecified date some
centuries later, the Battle of Koom Valley took place between a group of
dwarfs and a group of trolls, the only known battle in history in which both
sides ambushed each other (Men At Arms).

At a disputed date c.1700 AB, the Ankh-Morpork Civil War took place,
against the background of a Worlde Gone Madde!!!!! (Moving Pictures)
While the precise year is in doubt, the actual time of the war is well known,
it having taken place between 8.42pm Grune 3 and 10.45am Grune 4.
'Stoneface' Vimes beheaded the last king of Ankh-Morpork, King Lorenzo
the Kind and ruled the city for six months afterwards with his 'Ironheads'.
He was later hanged and buried in five graves, the people having voted
against democracy (Men At Arms). The monarchy, however, was gone,
replaced by the Patricians, who rule according to the principle of One Man,
One Vote. The Patrician is the Man and he has the Vote.

On 25th May c.1970 AB, the Glorious Revolution against Homicidal
Lord Winder took place, led by Sergeant John Keel of the city Night Watch.
Unfortunately, Lord Winder was replaced by Mad Lord Snapcase. It was
to be some years yet before the ascendancy of Lord Havelock Vetinari,
and the dawning of the Fourth Age.

THE FOURTH AGE - EARLY MEDIEVAL

Lord Vetinari has completely changed the face of Ankh-Morpork, legitimising
all the City's Guilds (he himself was a student of the Assassin's Guild) and
introducing a period of relative political stability, despite regular
attempts to
usurp or assassinate him. The Fourth Age is the first to be covered by the
surviving history chronicles of Ankh-Morpork, and includes the following;

The Colour of Magic
The Light Fantastic
Equal Rites
Mort
Sourcery
Wyrd Sisters
Pyramids
Guards! Guards!
Eric

At this point is becomes necessary to mention a peculiar feature of
Discworld history. Although the First to Third Ages span many hundreds
or even thousands of years, the Fourth to Seventh Ages span a few
decades at the most, often only a few years. We can only assume
that the density of the Disc's standing magical field has such an effect
on minds like Leonard of Quirm that a certain speeding up of the
evolutionary process is inevitable.

These early chronicles are characterised by a very medieval setting
and heavy use of magic, but only by wizards -- everyday tools like
picture-boxes have not yet been invented. Some of the last vestiges
of the Age of Myth disappeared as Dios vanished from the Kingdom
of Djelibeybi, pyramid-building came to an end and plumbing was
introduced under Queen Ptraci I (Pyramids). It was during the Fourth
Age that Death adopted a daughter and took on an apprentice (Mort),
leading ultimately to the birth of a granddaughter, Susan Sto Helit,
which was eventually to have an interesting effect of some performances
  of the Rite of Ashk-Ente. Unseen University admitted its first,
to date only, female student, but it should be noted that this occurred
under special circumstances (Equal Rites). University life was
disrupted by the appearance of the Sourcerer Coin, but following his
defeat, returned to as close to normal as the University ever gets
(Sourcery).

The kingdom of Lancre, closely tied to Ankh-Morpork in many ways,
experienced something of a historical blip at this point. Following the
death of King Verence I, it appears that fifteen years passed in the
outside world while Lancre was under a spell (Wyrd Sisters). This event
was closely followed by the coronation of the current monarch, King Verence
II.

THE FIFTH AGE -- LATER MEDIEVAL

Moving Pictures
Reaper Man
Witches Abroad
Small Gods
Lords and Ladies

The beginning of the Fifth Age is marked by Mustrum Ridcully's
arrival as the new Archchancellor of Unseen University (Moving Pictures).
Whereas his predecessors tended not to last very long due to their habit
of killing each other off, Ridcully has brought with him a new era of
relative stability and is able to liase with other prominent members of
the community, such as his brother Hughnon, the Chief Priest of Blind Io
(Reaper Man).

The Fifth Age was short, occasionally sweet, filled with promise.
During the Age, some new inventions started to appear, but for
one reason or another (usually involving terrible Things from the
Dungeon Dimensions) they never lasted.

Towards the end of the Age, Magrat Garlick was crowned Queen
of Lancre, and took her first steps towards leaving the 'maiden' role
in the witches coven behind her.

The chronicle Small Gods appears to have fallen through some kind
of hole in Time from the Third Age and has ended up here, among
much later events. We can only presume that there has been some
kind of mix up deep in the realms of L-Space.

THE SIXTH AGE -- THE RENAISSANCE

Men At Arms
Soul Music
Interesting Times
Maskerade
Feet of Clay
Hogfather
Jingo
The Last Continent
Carpe Jugulum

The beginning of the Sixth Age is marked by the integration of
the Day Watch and Night Watch in Ankh-Morpork to form a
new City Watch under Commander Vimes (Men At Arms).
This heralds a new beginning in Ankh-Morpork, with the
introduction of detectives (the Cable Street Particulars,
Masquerade), forensics (the introduction of Cheery Littlebottom,
Feet of Clay) and traffic control (Sergeant Colon and Corporal
Nobbs' new duties, Jingo).

Changes also began to occur within Discworld societies, as
female dwarfs started to fight for the right to wear skirts and
the Watch was asked to recruit minorities from the troll, dwarf
and undead communities. However, new inventions and crazes
still demonstrated a lack of longevity, and occasionally
disappeared from the timeline all together (Soul Music).

A number of attempts were made to usurp Lord Vetinari during
these years, all failures. It is rumoured that Captain Carrot of the
City Watch is, in fact, the true heir to the throne of Ankh-Morpork,
being possessed not only of the traditional sword, but a crown-shaped
birthmark as well, not to mention almost supernatural charisma
(Men At Arms). However, no solid evidence has yet been brought to light.
The suggestion that the heir to the throne is actually Corporal Nobbs
of the Watch is not considered seriously by anyone other than, possibly,
Corporal Nobbs himself, though this has not stopped the unscrupulous
from using it to their advantage (Feet Of Clay).

As regards foreign relations, Ankh-Morpork narrowly avoided war with
Klatch, and it seems that diplomacy is increasingly becoming an
important aspect of the city's foreign policy (Jingo). Our only real
information concerning the Counterweight Continent is recorded here;
it seems one Cohen the Barbarian became Emperor of the Agatean
Empire, possibly with the help of Rincewind the wizard (Interesting Times),
who went on to make some important first connection with the mysterious
continent of Fourecks (The Last Continent).

In Lancre, Queen Magrat finally learned about the birds and the
bees and gave birth to a daughter and heir (Carpe Jugulum).

THE SEVENTH AGE -- THE MODERN AGE

The Fifth Elephant
The Truth
Thief of Time
Night Watch
Monstrous Regiment

In these most recent chronicles, the Discworld has entered the
  Modern Age, only a few years after it left the Early Medieval Period (!).

The beginning of this Modern Age is marked by the invention of the
clacks machines, recorded in The Fifth Elephant. These do not
attract terrible Things from the Dungeon Dimensions, nor are they
a magically induced moment of hysteria. They are here to stay and
they will change the world. They lead to the introduction of newspapers
and the invention of the printing press recorded in The Truth and
Ankh-Morpork's involvement in the Borogravian War recorded in
Monstrous Regiment.

Even Commander His Grace the Duke Sir Samuel Vimes of the
Ever-Increasing Titles has produced offspring and the feminist
revolution is starting to make its way into places like Borogravia,
one of the tiniest backwaters of the Discworld (so tiny and
unimportant that in twenty-seven novels we've hardly ever heard
of them before). Truly, the Modern Age has arrived.

Acknowledgments: The New Discworld Companion by Stephen Briggs and Terry
Pratchett, and The Pocket Essential Terry Pratchett by Andrew M. Butler have
been
invaluable in the writing of this article. Go buy them. They're great.

-- Juliette Harrisson
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(Editor's Note: As you can see, a magnificent job!  If you have comments,
corrections, or suggestions, please send them in to me:
Joe Schaumburger, jschaum111@... and we will be delighted
to publish them.)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
March 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 3)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1

1) AMERICAN AUDIE AWARD FINALISTS
2) NEW SCIENCE OF DW BOOK DUE IN 2005
3) TERRY WINS AWARD, SELLS FOREIGN RIGHTS
4) ZOOMEETERS VISIT BABY LIBRARIAN

====Part 2

5) DISCWORLD SYMPTOMS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6) THE SEVEN AGES OF DISCWORLD
7) DISCWORLD NAMES
8) LOVECRAFT AND HOLMES ON THE DW

====Part 3

9) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THIEF OF TIME
10) AT LAST!  THE NEW DISC HOROSCOPE

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) AMERICAN AUDIE AWARD FINALISTS

The Audio Publishers Association has announced the finalists for its 9th
Annual Audie Awards, honoring excellence in audio publishing. A total of
125 finalists in 27 categories made the cut. A panel of 100 judges
culled this list of contending titles from over 500 initial entries.
Audio titles eligible for the award were released between November 1,
2002 and October 3, 2003.

Winners will be announced during the Audie Awards black-tie gala, which
will be held Friday, June 4, at the Winter Garden Room in the Harold
Washington Public Library Center in Chicago. APA members and their
guests, including a varied roster of authors and narrators, will be on
hand for the festivities.

Audiobook listeners can feel like part of the Audie process, too, by
entering an interactive contest on the APA Web site
(http://www.audiopub.org/ ). Beginning April 1, visitors to the site can
listen to sound clips of the finalists and vote for their favorites in
each category. Everyone who enters the contest will also be entered
in a drawing for a Grand Prize of an audiobook collection.

Here's the section of particular interest to Pratchett fans:

Fiction, Unabridged

*  All Over Creation by Ruth Ozeki, read by Anna Fields (Blackstone
    Audiobooks)
*  The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom, read by Erik
    Singer (Hyperion Audiobooks)
*  The Last Detective by Robert Crais, read by James Daniels
    (Brilliance Audio)
*  Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett, read by Stephen Briggs
    (Harper Audio)
*  The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri, read by Sarita Choudhury (Random
    Audio)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Terry's agent Colin Smyth reports that Terry, Ian Stewart
and Jack Cohen have signed an agreement with Ebury Press
for a third  Science of Discworld book, presently called
Darwin's Watch. From Amazon's site,  the ISBN is
0-09-189823-4 and expected publication date is 5 May 2005,
with 384 pages. Estimated price is GBP 17.99
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) TERRY WINS AWARD, SELLS FOREIGN RIGHTS

Colin Smyth also reports that The Wee Free Men was judged
winner of the Teen Choice WHSmith Book Award for 2004.
For further information and to see photos of the awards ceremony
in the Ballroom at the Dorchester Hotel in London are on this site.
http://www.whsmithbookawards.co.uk/whsmith/awards_results.php

To see the posters used on railway stations and the underground
for Monstrous Regiment, see Transworld's site at:
http://www.booksattransworld.co.uk/terrypratchett/home.htm

Sekatchev Publishers of Moscow have contracted to publish
Russian language editions of STRATA and THE DARK SIDE
OF THE SUN, the first volume to be published within the next
18 months, the next within the following year.

Psichogios intend to publish Greek translations of Sourcery
and Wyrd Sisters in Autumn 2004.

Mondadori will be publishing an Italian language edition of
A Hat Full of Sky.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) ZOOMEETERS VISIT BABY LIBRARIAN

Real ZooMeet

Venue: Melbourne Zoo (well duh!) and Cafe Romantica
        (Lygon Street, Melbourne)
Date: 13th March 2004
Attending: Dru, SteVen, Paul (Libwolf), Mad Meg Mogg,
Hania Ogg
Guests: Guy and Ju, Dave the Wizard, Marty (Mr Mogg)

This time, at Paul's urging, we had a planned ZooMeet. The
weather was perfect, sunny and not too hot with a light breeze.
We met at the main Zoo gates at noon and immediately broke
into warring factions over which animals to visit first! But
somehow we managed to stick together in something like an
orderly party, though Hania's dulcet bellow of "TEAM
LIBRARIAN, ASSEMBLE HERE!" rang out frequently
during the day, and we tramped and trooped hither and thither
around the lovely Zoo grounds, stopping about midway through
the afternoon for a picnic near the elephants' enclosure. The
main feature of the picnic was a Sausage Inna Bun stand. Not
being a meat (or something vaguely like it) eater, I can only
report that people claimed their delicacies smelt far better
than they tasted. But that's always the way of Dibbler products
all over the multiverse.

Somehow it was suddenly five o'clock and we were being kicked
out along with the other visitors, though we took our time
about it, trying to engage the baboons in conversation until a
patient zookeeper moved us along, and then trying to drag
SteVen - who had begged us not to let him visit the gift shop
because he was low on funds - out of the gift shop (surprise,
surprise). At that point Hania and Dave had to head off to a
family gathering, so the rest of us repaired to Cafe Romantica
where Mr Mogg joined us. Romantica is a favourite of diners
in the know; located on Melbourne's famous Lygon Street
("Little Italy") though some blocks away from the crowded end
of the restaurant district, it serves very good Italian food at
very reasonable prices, and does so 24/7. Since there aren't
that many places one can get a good meal at four o'clock in
the morning, this is a plus. It also means that Romantica is
a great place to see, shall we say, a varied parade of quite
interesting and unusual people at odd hours.

To cap off the experience, and because we were enjoying the day
too much to end it, we then proceeded up the street to the Gelo
Bar for dessert. The Gelo bar is another hotspot for lovers of
Italian gelati, ices and pastries - not exactly cheap, but well
worth it.

By now, it was nearly nine o'clock, so some people took some
other people to train stations or homes, having had all the
fresh air and exercise they could stand for one day!

Since we reported at length on the Zoo residents in last month's
issue, I'll just add a few updates and comments here:

*Fairy Penguins say "Hook!" and "Ogg!".

*Upon closer inspection, it turns out that Baby Librarian (who
looks more than ever like a surprised coconut) will grow up,
er, well qualified to attend U.U.

* We spent rather a long time watching the Gorillas. One young
adult Gorilla spent rather a lot of time watching *us*. We also
listened to fascinating descriptions, given by one of the volunteer
Zoo guides (Friends of the Zoos), of Gorilla family and social
life - which is very like ours, only with fewer personal grooming
products.

*At Dave's urging, we checked out every beastie in the insects
and reptiles sections. There were some amazingly beautiful
(and amazingly deadly) snakes, and a fine selection of lizards.
My personal favourite was the stick insects. What extraordinary
creatures! They really do look like pieces of tree.

*A young Eurasian badger was not only awake but very active,
running about and playing with a ball. I love badgers and am
used to seeing them at night in Europe, but this was the first time
I've ever seen one awake in the daytime! SteVen opined that
it had been staying up late and drinking too much coffee :-)

*A friendly and helpful young blonde FotZ in the butterfly house
answered many of our questions about the life cycles of butterflies,
and showed us where they lay their eggs (on the undersides of
of leaves -- the  butterflies, that is, not the Friends of the Zoos!).

*We got to see an elephant getting a shampoo! First, the keepers
threw buckets of water over her. Then, they took off their shoes,
rolled up their trousers and walked her out into the middle of
her small lake for a proper scrub. The elephant appeared to
be having a great time. So did the keepers!

*One of the lions came down to visit the gawkers at close range.
What a fine set of teeth and paws! As it was getting near feeding
time, he was eyeing us with great interest. We couldn't convince
him to roar, though.

Again, the Melbourne Zoo is a great day out (hmm, I wonder
if I can get paid for all this promotion?). A repeat of the
information is below:

http://www.zoo.org.au/visiting.cfm?zoo_id=1

Open 0900-1700 normally, with special later evening
openings during the Summer. Current admission prices
(in AUD) are $18.00 adults, $9.00 children under 14
(under-5s get in free, with an adult of course), $13.50
concession, with lower family rates and special low rates
for disabled children.

There's a move afoot to have our next Meet at Werribee Zoo
or Healesville Wildlife Sanctuary. Stay tuned.

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
9) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THIEF OF TIME
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
discover what day the world is coming to an end.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2001 Doubleday edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Foundling adopted by Guild of Clockmakers (first name, 6th letter)
2. The Fifth Horseman (first name, 4th letter)
3. Foundling adopted by Thieves' Guild (last name, 3rd letter)
4. Discoverer of the talent of the foundling in #3 (last name,1st letter)
5. The auditor who became Unity (last name, 2nd letter)
6. Chief acolyte to the abbot (3rd letter of name)
7. Apprentice to the Eternally Surprised (4th letter of name)
8. The Sweeper (5th letter of name)
9. The Eternally Surprised (1st letter of name)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Day the world will end
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE TRUTH
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. Vampire iconographer  (last name,  5th letter)
        OTTO CHRIEK = E
2. Editor of the Ankh-Morpork Times (last name, 4th letter)
        WILLIAM DE WORDE = D
3. King of the Golden River (first name, 3rd letter)
        HARRY KING = R
4. First female reporter on the Ankh-Morpork Times (last name, 7th letter)
        SACHARISSA CRIPSLOCK = O
5. Lord Vetinari's dog (first name, 1st letter)
        WUFFLES = W
6. President of the Guild of Shoemakers and Leatherworkers
     (last name, 6th letter)
        TUTTLE SCROPE = E
7. The UU Bursar (last name, 1st letter)
        A. A. DINWIDDIE = D
8. Dwarf who was second in command in printshop (last name, 3rd letter)
        BODDONY = D
9. A double of Vetinari (first name, 4th letter)
        CHARLIE = R
10. Cofounder of the Ankh-Morpork Times (last name, 2nd letter)
        GUNILLA GOODMOUNTAIN = O
11. Partner of Mr. Pin (last name 3rd letter)
        TULIP = L

E /D /R /O /W /E /D /D /R / O/ L = The man behind the overthrow of Vetinari.
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11 = LORD DE WORDE

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10) AT LAST! THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Miss Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

We are sorry to report that Lady Aranluc, our beautiful DW
astrologer, was passing through A-M recently and reportedly
took a wrong turn and found herself on Dagon Street.  Like the
unfortunate Mr. Hong, she had a significant encounter with
some of the former occupants of that street, and has disappeared
from mortal ken, leaving behind only a few bodily parts
which are normally found loose only in operating rooms.

Following the sad departure of Lady Aranluc, Miss Anaemia
Asterisk has kindly agreed to take over the duties of casting
our monthly horoscope. Miss Asterisk, a local hedge witch
of some renown, is three-times winner of the Slice and
District allcomers' horoscope casting competition, and claims
to be able to cast a horoscope further than anyone else in her
weight category. A kindly old lady, she wears a lot of black
and is a known friend of the Meseroles of Genua and that nice
Lord Downey of Ankh-Morpork. Please make her welcome.

Miss  Asterisk has corrected the DW zodiac tables
for A'Tuin's latest movements and has added the
latest constellations now affecting Discworld.  Her work,
which follows, is vital to us all and should be consulted
when making your plans for April.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

If your life's been uncertain of late, be of good cheer:
there are sunny times ahead. In fact, this is a good time
to get your shades out. And an even better time to get out
of the Shades. Let's be honest, you didn't really want
to make your fortune by moving consignments of designer
knock-off troll sunglasses, did you? Chrysoprase would be
most upset.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

Stressed out? This could be a rough month, so why not sign up for
a round of Wizards' Paintball? The keen young chaps at the UU
Department of High Energy Magic are always on the lookout for
civilian victims, er volunteers to experiment, er practice with.
Look at it this way, it could provide you with hours of fun-filled
entertainment and healthy outdoor exercise. It could even change
your life! Into that of a distressed newt, sure, but you'd never
have to pay the mortgage again, and one of the students will
probably provide you with a comfortably furnished jar. Beware of
cold leftover pizza and lizard presses.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May - 21 Jun

A man in black clothing, with a bracelet inscribed "Complymentes
of Lorde Downey", may seriously complicate your life this
month. Or is that compromise? Whatever. Be sure your will is
up to date, and don't order any extra milk from that nice
Mr Soak. A casual friend will give you the name of a good
florist. Avoid Dibblers selling pension plans but don't forget
to floss.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

An excellent time to look up old friends, and the older the better.
A lady from the Fresh Start Club will give you a helpful clue.
The Friends of Uberwald recycling shop near the Misbegot Bridge
offers a fine selection of fish livers and roots, and there's a
discount at the moment on clacks messages to Mrs Gogol in Genua.
Wouldn't it be lovely to catch up on old times with those gone-
but-not-forgotten childhood mates who went on that ill-fated field
trip the day you were kept home with the Borogravian flu? Don't
forget the oil of scallatine.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Auspicious tidings for your future: an obscure relative
will die and leave you the deeds to his thriving cabbage
and broccoli farm (this horoscope does not apply to
inhabitants of the Sto Plains). Current celestial alignment
means that Bilious is in the House of Anodyne, and what
better time to break out that vintage bottle of Bearhugger's
Finest Old Wednesday Port for testing? A good month for
having warts removed (this horoscope does not apply to
witches).

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

"What the eye sees not, the heart grieves not." Or as Mrs
Cosmopilite would say, "Always carry a square of fluffy blanket
with you, blue for choice. Them bogeymen are buggers to deal with
if they can see you." This is a good month to reduce a bogey to a
state of quantum uncertainty. Carrying a poker is also recommended,
but a knife is not, unless you're one of those gentlemen in black
clothing with a bracelet from that nice Lord Downey.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

You love to travel, and there's no better time than this month to
see the world. Actually, tonight would be a good time to get
started. Actually, right now would be even better, since there's
a large Watchman proceeding up your street checking the house
numbers. Oh well, they say that confession is good for the soul.
Then again, a spot of healthy outdoor exercise is even better. How
fast can you run the 100 yard sprint on cobblestones? The alignment
of your stars suggests river travel this month. Consider investing
in precious stones and other easily carried valuables.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

Keeping up appearances is very important, especially at this time
of year. Just look at the state of those old clothes! If you're
not careful, people will start asking you for love potions and
Granny Weatherwax will be down on you like a ton of oblong eldritch
things for impersonating a witch. Next week is a good time to trot
along to the Seamstresses' Guild and ask for a makeover. How much of
a makeover is up to you really, isn't it dearie?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

A short, dark, romantic stranger is about to enter your life.
Try not to trip over his stepladder. People may say you are
like chalk and cheese as a couple, but there's nowt wrong with
a nice bit of Chalk cheese, eh? For those born under the Foot,
special care is needed in matters of the shoulders and what we
may politely call the seating region, so get your daughters-in-law
or young female relatives to do all the heavy housework. And no
sweeping the dust under the carpets like that dreadful woman
at No.37, you can't be having with that sort of thing.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

Hoki the Jokester is traditionally a lucky sign, but you don't want
to accept any magical dice from a mysterious Lady with bright green
eyes. Avoid oysters, falling ladders and Thursdays. For witches,
this is a good month to book that cranky old broom in for a service.
Beware dwarfs bearing gifts of bread, as these are dangerous to
dental health. A good month to sacrifice to Blind Io and Fate:
vestigial virgins are always a favourite.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

A picture is worth a thousand words, so why not start that
family iconograph album you always meant to make? What do you mean,
you haven't fed the imp since last Grune? For shame! Oh well, never
mind. For those of you born on the cusp of Philadephus, this month
will see a promising upswing in your social life. Eat only
untoasted figgins, and beware of small angry zombies waving
paintbrushes.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

"Once bitten, twice shy." A good month to avoid werewolves, vampires
and Big Fido. Charity begins at home, so be sure to give generously
to any door-knockers collecting for the Silicon Anti-Defamation Fund.
A stitch in time saves nine; when's the last time you saw Igor for
a check-up? Let a smile be your umbrella, but if you will insist on
walking past the back door of the Mended Drum at chucking-out time
you'll need something more substantial, depending on what's being
chucked out. Avoid the colour puce, and stay away from dark alleys
between teatime and 8 pm, because that's when Thieves' Guild
training sessions are scheduled this month. Trust me on this, I'm
an astrologer.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

... and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) DISCWORLD SYMPTOMS
Taken from Cheery Littlebottom's website,
http://www.cheerycomic.co.uk/
with permission

YOU KNOW YOU'RE READING TOO MUCH DISCWORLD WHEN....

You look strangely at friends when they offer you a jelly baby.

* You experience an urge to hunt down with pitchforks and flaming
   torches anyone who ends sentences in multiple exclamation marks.

* You see a poster advertising a film and you are surprised that it
doesn't mention Onne Thousande Elephants.

*You believe that thoughts are being inserted into your head by
small grey mongrel dogs.

*You pass the town hall and look out for thieves being punished in
the vicinity.

*Every time you have a cough sweet you think of Scully Maltoon's
mum.

*You deify people who let the grass grow under their feet.

*You sing along to your favourite tune with the words "Gold, gold,
gold, gold"

*You puzzle your workmates by ringing in sick and telling them
you have caught a walrus.

*You carry a small blue fluffy blanket with you, just in case.

*You idly wonder how many parrots they have providing the sound
at your local cinema.

*You specify "no blood" when you order a Bloody Mary.

*You start, putting commas in odd places in, your sentences.

Your computer crashes and you try to feed it cheese.

*You carry round a stock of oranges to throw at people, just to
make sure.

*Your friends wonder why, when blaspheming, you're likely to be
heard saying "Ye gods!"

*You ask friends to show you their holiday iconographs when they
return from a trip.

*You feel more relaxed in church when there is a female priest
present.

*You eye anyone selling apples with caution.

*You have an odd aversion to strawberry yoghurt.

*The barman in your local pub is tired of telling you that they
don't sell Winkle's Old Peculiar.

*You check the water for newts as part of your beauty régime.

*You see someone wearing a diamond ring and wonder whose
tooth it was.

*Visiting your attractive female hairdresser makes you
unaccountably nervous.

*You roam around your university's library, trying to find last
Tuesday.

*You tell your friend you'll c-mail him.

*Before doing anything difficult or dangerous, you say very loudly
and clearly "It's a million-to-one chance but it might just work."

*Your local newspaper receives a letter from you complaining
about the blatantly vitalist nature of its obituaries section.

*In your will, you have left your money to yourself -- just in case.

*Seeing a poorly-shaven man, you reach for the garlic.

*You never pat poodles.

*You always keep a wary eye on the sky when wearing red shoes.

*You go down into the basement and feel an urge to sing the hiho
song.

*Back at your place, you offer your stupendously hunky date some
fish heads and a saucer of milk.

*You refer to a less-than-bright acquaintance as "a bit of a
Detritus".

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) THE SEVEN AGES OF DISCWORLD

To the Editor:

The Harrisson Chronology was very entertaining but being
a natural nit picker I've got a few minor points:

1) The Third Age

Was Didactylos the librarian of the library at Ephebe ?
I haven't had a chance to check that one.

2) The Fourth Age

"These early chronicles are characterised by a very medieval setting
and heavy use of magic, but only by wizards -- everyday tools like
picture-boxes have not yet been invented."

Twoflower has a picture box in The Colour of Magic.

3) The Seventh Age

"the invention of the printing press recorded in The Truth"
The printing press had already been invented (see the
publication of the Joy of Snacks in Maskerade).  It was
moveable type that was invented in The Truth.

I think only three question marks in seven ages is pretty good going.

Regards,

-- Helen Simpson

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) DISCWORLD NAMES

To the Editor:

I went to a book signing for Wee Free Men in Harrow.
Around the corner from the bookshop was a Havelock Street.

-- Asti Osborn, UK

PS: No, I am NOT Anaemia Asterisk!!!!

To the Editor:

There's Havelock Pl, just round the corner from RMIT, too.
It's about three metres long, just behind the Oxford Scholar
hotel right near Druid's, home of the too much red meat
old days Melmeets.

-- Jason Parlevliet, Australia

To the Editor:

While perusing a botany course catalog I found an ad
in the back asking for volunteers at the library. . .
for more information call Margriet Wetherwax.

-- The Snow Queen

To the Editor:

Apparently there was someone named Weatherwax who had some
high mucky-muck job at the BBC, or something like that,
before Pterry wrote Equal Rites. If so, that person has long
since disappeared. The same was true, way back in Ago, of
a person whose surname was Quatermass.

For those H2G2 fans who might have wondered how Douglas
Adams came up with the name of ultramegasuperneutronstar
Hotblack Desiato, it was, plain and simple, the name of a North
London estate agency. Not long after the mega-success of the
H2G2 oeuvre, the company changed its name to Hotblack and
Co. One can only guess at the number of nuisance calls it took
before they decided to shoulder the cost of re-branding. I wonder
if they'd ever considered suing Adams...

Hmm, I wonder if there are any Ridcullys or Stibbonses - or
Oggs?! - in the Yuk phone directories? I do know for a fact that
a certain Mrs Garlick used to work for the Home Office :-)

-- Dru
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) LOVECRAFT AND HOLMES ON THE DW

>(Ed: Anyone spotted any other
> Lovecraftian or Holmes allusions?)

To the Editor

What, beside the fact that Vimes keeps sniping at
Holmes throughout Guards! Guards!?
Pratchett makes fun of Holmes a lot, with mismatched
quotes like "the incident of the orang-utan in the
night", and the whole thing about not by eliminating
the impossible you find the truth, but by eliminating
the possibilities, and basically quite a lot of Vimes'
deducting comments are against Holmes.

As for the elder gods - I'm not that big a fan of
Lovecraft, but Neil Gaiman has a shared joke about the
Necrotelecomnicon in Sandman - the Liber Paginarum
Fulvarum, which appears in the dedication to Equal
Rites.

--Yasmin ;-)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
---
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3

WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) DISCWORLD SYMPTOMS
Taken from Cheery Littlebottom's website, http://www.cheerycomic.co.uk/
with permission

YOU KNOW YOU'RE READING TOO MUCH DISCWORLD WHEN....

You look strangely at friends when they offer you a jelly baby.

* You experience an urge to hunt down with pitchforks and flaming
   torches anyone who ends sentences in multiple exclamation marks.

* You see a poster advertising a film and you are surprised that it
doesn't mention Onne Thousande Elephants.

*You believe that thoughts are being inserted into your head by
small grey mongrel dogs.

*You pass the town hall and look out for thieves being punished in
the vicinity.

*Every time you have a cough sweet you think of Scully Maltoon's
mum.

*You deify people who let the grass grow under their feet.

*You sing along to your favourite tune with the words "Gold, gold,
gold, gold"

*You puzzle your workmates by ringing in sick and telling them
you have caught a walrus.

*You carry a small blue fluffy blanket with you, just in case.

*You idly wonder how many parrots they have providing the sound
at your local cinema.

*You specify "no blood" when you order a Bloody Mary.

*You start, putting commas in odd places in, your sentences.

Your computer crashes and you try to feed it cheese.

*You carry round a stock of oranges to throw at people, just to
make sure.

*Your friends wonder why, when blaspheming, you're likely to be
heard saying "Ye gods!"

*You ask friends to show you their holiday iconographs when they
return from a trip.

*You feel more relaxed in church when there is a female priest
present.

*You eye anyone selling apples with caution.

*You have an odd aversion to strawberry yoghurt.

*The barman in your local pub is tired of telling you that they
don't sell Winkle's Old Peculiar.

*You check the water for newts as part of your beauty régime.

*You see someone wearing a diamond ring and wonder whose
tooth it was.

*Visiting your attractive female hairdresser makes you
unaccountably nervous.

*You roam around your university's library, trying to find last
Tuesday.

*You tell your friend you'll c-mail him.

*Before doing anything difficult or dangerous, you say very loudly
and clearly "It's a million-to-one chance but it might just work."

*Your local newspaper receives a letter from you complaining
about the blatantly vitalist nature of its obituaries section.

*In your will, you have left your money to yourself -- just in case.

*Seeing a poorly-shaven man, you reach for the garlic.

*You never pat poodles.

*You always keep a wary eye on the sky when wearing red shoes.

*You go down into the basement and feel an urge to sing the hiho
song.

*Back at your place, you offer your stupendously hunky date some
fish heads and a saucer of milk.

*You refer to a less-than-bright acquaintance as "a bit of a Detritus".

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) THE SEVEN AGES OF DISCWORLD

To the Editor:

The Harrisson Chronology was very entertaining but being
a natural nit picker I've got a few minor points:

1) The Third Age

Was Didactylos the librarian of the library at Ephebe ?
I haven't had a chance to check that one.

2) The Fourth Age

"These early chronicles are characterised by a very medieval setting
and heavy use of magic, but only by wizards -- everyday tools like
picture-boxes have not yet been invented."

Twoflower has a picture box in The Colour of Magic.

3) The Seventh Age

"the invention of the printing press recorded in The Truth"
The printing press had already been invented (see the
publication of the Joy of Snacks in Maskerade).  It was
moveable type that was invented in The Truth.

I think only three question marks in seven ages is pretty good going.

Regards,

-- Helen Simpson

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) DISCWORLD NAMES

To the Editor:

I went to a book signing for Wee Free Men in Harrow.
Around the corner from the bookshop was a Havelock Street.

-- Asti Osborn, UK

PS: No, I am NOT Anaemia Asterisk!!!!

To the Editor:

There's Havelock Pl, just round the corner from RMIT, too.
It's about three metres long, just behind the Oxford Scholar
hotel right near Druid's, home of the too much red meat
old days Melmeets.

-- Jason Parlevliet, Australia

To the Editor:

While perusing a botany course catalog I found an ad
in the back asking for volunteers at the library. . .
for more information call Margriet Wetherwax.

-- The Snow Queen

To the Editor:

Apparently there was someone named Weatherwax who had some
high mucky-muck job at the BBC, or something like that,
before Pterry wrote Equal Rites. If so, that person has long
since disappeared. The same was true, way back in Ago, of
a person whose surname was Quatermass.

For those H2G2 fans who might have wondered how Douglas
Adams came up with the name of ultramegasuperneutronstar
Hotblack Desiato, it was, plain and simple, the name of a North
London estate agency. Not long after the mega-success of the
H2G2 oeuvre, the company changed its name to Hotblack and
Co. One can only guess at the number of nuisance calls it took
before they decided to shoulder the cost of re-branding. I wonder
if they'd ever considered suing Adams...

Hmm, I wonder if there are any Ridcullys or Stibbonses - or
Oggs?! - in the Yuk phone directories? I do know for a fact that
a certain Mrs Garlick used to work for the Home Office :-)

-- Dru
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) LOVECRAFT AND HOLMES ON THE DW

>(Ed: Anyone spotted any other
> Lovecraftian or Holmes allusions?)

To the Editor

What, beside the fact that Vimes keeps sniping at
Holmes throughout Guards! Guards!?
Pratchett makes fun of Holmes a lot, with mismatched
quotes like "the incident of the orang-utan in the
night", and the whole thing about not by eliminating
the impossible you find the truth, but by eliminating
the possibilities, and basically quite a lot of Vimes'
deducting comments are against Holmes.

As for the elder gods - I'm not that big a fan of
Lovecraft, but Neil Gaiman has a shared joke about the
Necrotelecomnicon in Sandman - the Liber Paginarum
Fulvarum, which appears in the dedication to Equal
Rites.

--Yasmin ;-)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) DISCWORLD SYMPTOMS
Taken from Cheery Littlebottom's website, http://www.cheerycomic.co.uk/
with permission

YOU KNOW YOU'RE READING TOO MUCH DISCWORLD WHEN....

You look strangely at friends when they offer you a jelly baby.

* You experience an urge to hunt down with pitchforks and flaming
   torches anyone who ends sentences in multiple exclamation marks.

* You see a poster advertising a film and you are surprised that it
doesn't mention Onne Thousande Elephants.

*You believe that thoughts are being inserted into your head by
small grey mongrel dogs.

*You pass the town hall and look out for thieves being punished in
the vicinity.

*Every time you have a cough sweet you think of Scully Maltoon's
mum.

*You deify people who let the grass grow under their feet.

*You sing along to your favourite tune with the words "Gold, gold,
gold, gold"

*You puzzle your workmates by ringing in sick and telling them
you have caught a walrus.

*You carry a small blue fluffy blanket with you, just in case.

*You idly wonder how many parrots they have providing the sound
at your local cinema.

*You specify "no blood" when you order a Bloody Mary.

*You start, putting commas in odd places in, your sentences.

Your computer crashes and you try to feed it cheese.

*You carry round a stock of oranges to throw at people, just to
make sure.

*Your friends wonder why, when blaspheming, you're likely to be
heard saying "Ye gods!"

*You ask friends to show you their holiday iconographs when they
return from a trip.

*You feel more relaxed in church when there is a female priest
present.

*You eye anyone selling apples with caution.

*You have an odd aversion to strawberry yoghurt.

*The barman in your local pub is tired of telling you that they
don't sell Winkle's Old Peculiar.

*You check the water for newts as part of your beauty régime.

*You see someone wearing a diamond ring and wonder whose
tooth it was.

*Visiting your attractive female hairdresser makes you
unaccountably nervous.

*You roam around your university's library, trying to find last
Tuesday.

*You tell your friend you'll c-mail him.

*Before doing anything difficult or dangerous, you say very loudly
and clearly "It's a million-to-one chance but it might just work."

*Your local newspaper receives a letter from you complaining
about the blatantly vitalist nature of its obituaries section.

*In your will, you have left your money to yourself -- just in case.

*Seeing a poorly-shaven man, you reach for the garlic.

*You never pat poodles.

*You always keep a wary eye on the sky when wearing red shoes.

*You go down into the basement and feel an urge to sing the hiho
song.

*Back at your place, you offer your stupendously hunky date some
fish heads and a saucer of milk.

*You refer to a less-than-bright acquaintance as "a bit of a Detritus".

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) THE SEVEN AGES OF DISCWORLD

To the Editor:

The Harrisson Chronology was very entertaining but being
a natural nit picker I've got a few minor points:

1) The Third Age

Was Didactylos the librarian of the library at Ephebe ?
I haven't had a chance to check that one.

2) The Fourth Age

"These early chronicles are characterised by a very medieval setting
and heavy use of magic, but only by wizards -- everyday tools like
picture-boxes have not yet been invented."

Twoflower has a picture box in The Colour of Magic.

3) The Seventh Age

"the invention of the printing press recorded in The Truth"
The printing press had already been invented (see the
publication of the Joy of Snacks in Maskerade).  It was
moveable type that was invented in The Truth.

I think only three question marks in seven ages is pretty good going.

Regards,

-- Helen Simpson

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) DISCWORLD NAMES

To the Editor:

I went to a book signing for Wee Free Men in Harrow.
Around the corner from the bookshop was a Havelock Street.

-- Asti Osborn, UK

PS: No, I am NOT Anaemia Asterisk!!!!

To the Editor:

There's Havelock Pl, just round the corner from RMIT, too.
It's about three metres long, just behind the Oxford Scholar
hotel right near Druid's, home of the too much red meat
old days Melmeets.

-- Jason Parlevliet, Australia

To the Editor:

While perusing a botany course catalog I found an ad
in the back asking for volunteers at the library. . .
for more information call Margriet Wetherwax.

-- The Snow Queen

To the Editor:

Apparently there was someone named Weatherwax who had some
high mucky-muck job at the BBC, or something like that,
before Pterry wrote Equal Rites. If so, that person has long
since disappeared. The same was true, way back in Ago, of
a person whose surname was Quatermass.

For those H2G2 fans who might have wondered how Douglas
Adams came up with the name of ultramegasuperneutronstar
Hotblack Desiato, it was, plain and simple, the name of a North
London estate agency. Not long after the mega-success of the
H2G2 oeuvre, the company changed its name to Hotblack and
Co. One can only guess at the number of nuisance calls it took
before they decided to shoulder the cost of re-branding. I wonder
if they'd ever considered suing Adams...

Hmm, I wonder if there are any Ridcullys or Stibbonses - or
Oggs?! -- in the Yuk phone directories? I do know for a fact that
a certain Mrs Garlick used to work for the Home Office :-)

-- Dru
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) LOVECRAFT AND HOLMES ON THE DW

>(Ed: Anyone spotted any other
> Lovecraftian or Holmes allusions?)

To the Editor

What, beside the fact that Vimes keeps sniping at
Holmes throughout Guards! Guards!?
Pratchett makes fun of Holmes a lot, with mismatched
quotes like "the incident of the orang-utan in the
night", and the whole thing about not by eliminating
the impossible you find the truth, but by eliminating
the possibilities, and basically quite a lot of Vimes'
deducting comments are against Holmes.

As for the elder gods - I'm not that big a fan of
Lovecraft, but Neil Gaiman has a shared joke about the
Necrotelecomnicon in Sandman - the Liber Paginarum
Fulvarum, which appears in the dedication to Equal
Rites.

--Yasmin ;-)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
April 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 4)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1

1) GOING POSTAL -- THE COLIN SMYTHE REPORT
2) THEATRE: "MASKERADE" IN AUSTRALIA, SCOTLAND
3) TERRY'S SIGNING TOUR IN THE UK, AUSTRALIA AND NZ
4) SYDMEET REPORT

====Part 2

5) GAMECON IN BRISBANE?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6) GRIPLEY MYSTERY SOLVED AT LAST!
7) PRATCHETT COLLECTION AT MUSEUM
8)  AMAZING TERRY

====Part 3

9) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE LAST HERO
10) THE NEW DISC HOROSCOPE

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) GOING POSTAL -- THE COLIN SMYTHE REPORT

Colin Smythe, Terry Pratchett's agent, reports, "I've just
received a copy of HarperCollins' Hardcover Fall 2004
catalog, containing their announcement of Going Postal,
which is described as "A splendid send-up of government,
the postal system, and everything that lies in between".
It will be published first week of October.

"Convicted con-man and forger Moist van Lipwig is given a
choice. Face the hangman's noose, or get Ankh-Morpork's
ancient post office up and running efficiently! It was a tough
decision....

Now, the former criminal is facing really big problems. There's
tons of undelivered mail. Ghosts are talking to him. One of the
postmen is 18,000 years old. And you really wouldn't want to
know what his new girlfriend can do with a shoe.

To top it off, shadowy characters don't want the mail moved.
Instead, they want him dead -- deader than all those dead
letters. (And here he'd thought that all he'd have to face was
rain, snow, and gloom of night..."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) THEATRE: "MASKERADE" IN AUSTRALIA

Terry Pratchett's "Maskerade" will be presented
by the Unseen Theatre Company in Adelaide,
South Australia from April 30 to May 15 at 8 p.m.

Adapted by Stephen Briggs and directed by Erik Strauts,
it will be at the Bakehouse Theatre, 255 Angas Street in
Adelaide.   Ticket prices are: adults $15, concession $12,
groups of 10 or more people $10. For bookings, call
Betty on 82962004 (7am to 7pm, 7 days)
Or BASS 131246 or www.bass.net.au

More info at http://www.unseen.com.au

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SCOTLAND:  "MASKERADE" IN EDINBURGH

Edinburgh University Graduate Theatre Group
will present Terry Pratchett's MASKERADE,
adapted for the stage by Stephen Briggs from
25th - 29th May 2004 at 7:30pm Tues - Fri and
7:00pm Sat at the Adam House Theatre,
Chambers Street, Edinburgh

Tickets Ł7 (Ł5 concessions) are available from
the Assembly Rooms Box Office, George Street
BOX OFFICE: 0131 220 3949

For more information please email Fran Swanwick -
FSwanwick@...
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) TERRY'S SIGNING TOUR IN THE UK, AUSTRALIA AND NZ

Terry's signing tour for "A Hat Full of Sky" will run from
30th April through 5th May 2004, as follows:


Friday 30th April
1.00pm            Borders, Birmingham
6.00pm            Waterstones, Stratford on Avon

Saturday 1st May
12.00noon       Same Day Books, Windsor
4.45pm            Foyles, Charing Cross Road, London

Tuesday 4th May
12.30pm          Methvens, Worthing
4.45pm            W.H.Smith, Brighton

Wednesday 5th May
12.45pm            Waterstones, Winchester
5.00pm            Ottakars, Portsmouth
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

New Zealand and Australia tour: Terry says:

    "Things are still flexible, but I'll likely fly to NZ at the end
    of October, do a week there, including South Island, and then go
    to Oz for the following:

Monday November 8: Brisbane
Tuesday November 9:  Sydney
Wednesday November 10: Canberra
Thursday November 11:  Melbourne
Friday November 12: Melbourne/Perth
Saturday November 13: Perth signing AM? PM finish tour

MORE TRANSLATIONS

Discworld is now going to be published in Korea; Sigongsa are
contracting to publish THE COLOUR OF MAGIC and THE LIGHT FANTASTIC.
(Not the  first time Terry has been published in Korean - a firm
called Game published ONLY YOU CAN SAVE MANKIND, but it is now out
of print.)

Mondadori are contracting for an Italian edition of Good Omens.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
REPORTS FROM ALL OVER (mostly Australia, as usual)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) SYDMEET REPORT

What: Sydmeet
Where: Galaxy bookshop, Sydney
When: Afternoon and evening of Friday 25 March
Who: Jehane, Bobby, Lujan, Cat, Cat's brother Mango, ConMan
Apologies: Jerm (by sms) and MysApp
Why: Just 'cos.  OK, because yours truly was in town for a short
          time and wanted to up her meet count [1].

Galaxy 4pm.  I'd cased out the joint the day before, which was
fortunate since yellowpages.com.au was badly out of date and
where Galaxy might once have stood was now an impressive
office tower.  Having checked a rather more up-to-date paper version,
I had no problems finding it.  I wandered in, hoping to spot someone in
BU wizardly robes, but the other customers looked disturbingly ordinary.
Too ordinary, in fact, for a speculative fiction bookshop...
Nevertheless, I braved the premises, traipsing through the aisles in
search of wizzards and vampyres.

Finding a couple of good books and the Nexus newsletter,
I settled down in a chair to await the arrival of fellow Sydmeeters.
This was made easier with the clear view I had of the stairs, but
made rather more complicated by the fact that I had no idea what
anyone looked like.

People came and went.  Some browsed for a while and my hopes
were raised, however most eventually moved to the front counter with t
heir purchases.  Eventually I decided a less subtle approach was needed,
and moved to stand in front of the Pterry section, grabbing a copy of Night
Watch and rereading my favourite parts [2].  Sure enough, this tactic paid
dividends and it wasn't long before a voice was asking, "Are you from OZDW?"
At my affirmative, a head popped up from another aisle commented, "I guess
I'm in the right place for the meet then."  Bobby came around to join Lujan
and I, and the Sydmeet was officially underway.

Cat called to say she and Mango were at Central and were we still at Galaxy?
Again an affirmative answer and we were soon joined by the Protector of
Newbies
and, well, *her* Protector.  We decided to move on before I bought any more
books, and went to a cafe inconveniently located directly across the road. I
say
inconveniently as the road appeared to be a major bus lane and none of us
were
wearing helmets.  We managed to cross without anyone being hit by a bus [3],
and proceeded to inhale diesel fumes and ingest processed cacao to the
accompaniment of continuous automobile engine.

Discussion centered mainly on games, programming, games, and vague attempts
to convert non-fans.  [4], [5] Finally deciding to move on, we went on to
Kinokuniya
(a bookshop -- where else would we go?).  We perused the Pop-up Book of
Phobias and the accompanying Pop-up Book of Nightmares [6], by which time
we had been joined by ConMan.

The SF and fantasy section was next, and discussed good and, well, rather
less-than-good authors.  We moved on to the DVD section, and while the others
drooled over anime, I wandered off to drool over the nearby popular science
section.
Then wandered back before I bought most of that section.

A trolley marked "XS stock" contained a treasure trove of graphic novels,
including Sandman volumes 2 to 8.  We wondered if "XS stock" meant that
the prices were cut (preferably to $0) but alas, it was not to be.
Fortunately
for our budgets, Kinokuniya decided to close (so early!  And on a Friday
night!
Surely *everyone* is out buying books on a Friday night!).  We managed to
exercise considerable collective restraint and left without purchasing the
entire
anime and graphic novel catalogues.

We discussed the pros and cons of secondhand bookshops, namely that books
were cheap (good) but that only enticed us to buy more, and typically spend
more
than we would have on new purchases (bad).  Lujan mentioned a secondhand
bookshop that opened quite late so we headed in that direction.  Alas, it too
was
closed.  In fact it appeared to have been closed for some time judging by the
lack
of books, shelves and general shop fittings.  Undaunted, we moved on to
another of
Lujan's secondhand bookshops and this one proved to still be operational.
I somehow managed to walk out with only one purchase.  Oh well, food is
overrated.

Lujan having decided to go home to his fiance and son, we waylaid a passerby
to
take a photo.  We then walked Lujan to the train station, and went in search
of food.
This took some time.  Eventually we found a Chinese place satisfactory to
everyone's
tastes and budgets.  Gathering our food, we trooped upstairs to the dining
room, and
continued conversations, mainly of books and the list.  And how to best
attack Libby.
Bobby destroyed his reputation by failing to drink a single drop of beer, or
in fact, any alcohol.

Being past our bedtime, we decided to call it a meet and head home.  All of
us bar
Bobby were on the same train line, and since his train would not be for
another hour he
waited on the platform with us.  At last our train arrived and we said our
goodbyes to
Bobby, and it was a quiet ride to our respective stations.

-- Jehane

Vital Footnotes:

[1] Four meets in four different cities in the past nine months.
[2] No, not the entire novel, I mean my really *really* favourite parts.
[3] And what are the odds of that?  Probably a million to one...
[4] Mango, although he has read Small Gods so there's hope for him yet.
[5] Maybe we should be visiting the infidels with informative pamphlets...
[6] Not recommended for those who actually suffer from any of the phobias
and nightmares described (very graphically) within, which of course you
won't know until you open the book...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME April 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) GRIPLEY MYSTERY SOLVED AT LAST!

To the Editor:

On 25 Apr 2004 Peter Bellingham wrote:

>> Yes, a Gripley.  I searched for the reference
>> (Small Gods, I think) but couldn't find it.
>>
>> Mrs (Banana) Cake
>>
> The 3/8 ths gripley featured in Reaper Man IIRC
>
I can't believe I just got that reference. I was
thinking in terms of Repo Man and getting
awfully confused.

-- Asti
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

To the Editor:

7) COLIN SMYTHE PRATCHETT COLLECTION ON VIEW

As it was becoming too large and bulky for me to keep at home, about  two
years ago I gave my main collection of Terry Pratchett's  books (in about
30 languages), together with publicity and merchandise material  to the
University of London Library in Malet Street, where it is known
by the rather cumbersome title of "The Colin Smythe Terry Pratchett
Archive", and continues to grow as I add new publications, etc. to it.

One of the librarians, Margaret Blackburn, has been cataloguing the
archive (on a part-time basis) for the past 18 months, and the Library
has now put on display a 'taster' preview of some of the material from the
collection.

This Pratchett Preview will be open to the public until 5 June 2004.
Mrs Blackburn has so far catalogued nearly eleven hundred of the  books in
the collection, and has also started work on the models,  alcoholic
beverages, audio and video material, games (computer and otherwise),
t-shirts, jewelry, jigsaws and other Pratchettiana.

Information on how to get to the display in the Senate House, the
catalogue and some pictures can be found at the following address
http://www.ull.ac.uk/exhibitions/pratchett/exhibition.shtml
Clicking on the images leads to relevant pictures.

I hope a much larger exhibition will be shown in the Library's  main
display area next year.

-- Colin Smythe

8) AMAZING TERRY

To the Editor:

Terry Pratchett never fails to amaze me. Almost every day I
come across something that he's used in the Discworld.
Yesterday it was:

"The Viennese anthropologist, Marianne Schmidl, who also
used secondary sources, but with greater care and judgment,
writes of several Bushman languages. In one, there are words
for one and two, and then a third word meaning 'many',  while
in another there are three number words, then a fourth meaning
'many'."
--From "Africa Counts - Number and Pattern in African Culture"
   by Claudia Zaslavsky

Remind you of anyone?

-- Fiona

To the Editor:

Hmm, I was just remarking on the Syd-Jehane-meet that I'd found another
thing that appears in DW that I assumed was PTerry's concept (or at least
him exaggerating a real fact). I quote from the Collins Dictionary of
Surnames, under the entry for "Barebone":

The Little Parliament in Cromwell's time was headed by
Praise-God Barebone. His name is variously recorded as
Barbon, Barborne, which suggests that his ancestors
came from Barbourne, in Worcestershire, a place named
for its "beaver stream". Barebone's given name Praise-God
was a typical Puritan slogan name of the 17th century.

Two of Praise-God's brothers had the names
Jesus-Christ-came-into-the-world-to-save Barebone and
If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned Barebone.
The latter was known to most of his contemporaries as
Damned Barebone, partly because of his immoral behaviour.
A special study of such given names was made by Charles
Bardsley and published as Curiosities of Puritan Nomenclature.

CM says:

That makes "Visit-the-Infidel-with-explanatory-pamphlets" tame in
comparison! About the only thing PTerry did was take the Puritan
"you're going to hell" names and upgrade them to be more in line
with certain modern Christian tendencies to heap so many
documents about the bible on people in the hope that they'll be
converted by the sheer holiness before they're killed under the strain.[1]

[1] Not that all Christians are like this, of course. It's only certain
groups of them that do. After all, several of my friends at Uni belong to
the Evangelical Union (spelt EU and pronounced by many as "Eww ...")
where they do nothing more intrusive and annoying than hold a few events,
put up posters ... and set up a gauntlet along one of the main entrances
to uni chasing after people and handing out leaflets ... I'm going to stop
here before I start using bad words.

-- ConMan

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
REPORTS FROM ALL OVER (mostly Australia, as usual)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) SYDMEET REPORT

What: Sydmeet
Where: Galaxy bookshop, Sydney
When: Afternoon and evening of Friday 25 March
Who: Jehane, Bobby, Lujan, Cat, Cat's brother Mango, ConMan
Apologies: Jerm (by sms) and MysApp
Why: Just 'cos.  OK, because yours truly was in town for a short
          time and wanted to up her meet count [1].

Galaxy 4pm.  I'd cased out the joint the day before, which was
fortunate since yellowpages.com.au was badly out of date and
where Galaxy might once have stood was now an impressive
office tower.  Having checked a rather more up-to-date paper version,
I had no problems finding it.  I wandered in, hoping to spot someone in
BU wizardly robes, but the other customers looked disturbingly ordinary.
Too ordinary, in fact, for a speculative fiction bookshop...
Nevertheless, I braved the premises, traipsing through the aisles in
search of wizzards and vampyres.

Finding a couple of good books and the Nexus newsletter,
I settled down in a chair to await the arrival of fellow Sydmeeters.
This was made easier with the clear view I had of the stairs, but
made rather more complicated by the fact that I had no idea what
anyone looked like.

People came and went.  Some browsed for a while and my hopes
were raised, however most eventually moved to the front counter with t
heir purchases.  Eventually I decided a less subtle approach was needed,
and moved to stand in front of the Pterry section, grabbing a copy of Night
Watch and rereading my favourite parts [2].  Sure enough, this tactic paid
dividends and it wasn't long before a voice was asking, "Are you from OZDW?"
At my affirmative, a head popped up from another aisle commented, "I guess
I'm in the right place for the meet then."  Bobby came around to join Lujan
and I, and the Sydmeet was officially underway.

Cat called to say she and Mango were at Central and were we still at Galaxy?
Again an affirmative answer and we were soon joined by the Protector of
Newbies
and, well, *her* Protector.  We decided to move on before I bought any more
books, and went to a cafe inconveniently located directly across the road. I
say
inconveniently as the road appeared to be a major bus lane and none of us
were
wearing helmets.  We managed to cross without anyone being hit by a bus [3],
and proceeded to inhale diesel fumes and ingest processed cacao to the
accompaniment of continuous automobile engine.

Discussion centered mainly on games, programming, games, and vague attempts
to convert non-fans.  [4], [5] Finally deciding to move on, we went on to
Kinokuniya
(a bookshop -- where else would we go?).  We perused the Pop-up Book of
Phobias and the accompanying Pop-up Book of Nightmares [6], by which time
we had been joined by ConMan.

The SF and fantasy section was next, and discussed good and, well, rather
less-than-good authors.  We moved on to the DVD section, and while the others
drooled over anime, I wandered off to drool over the nearby popular science
section.
Then wandered back before I bought most of that section.

A trolley marked "XS stock" contained a treasure trove of graphic novels,
including Sandman volumes 2 to 8.  We wondered if "XS stock" meant that
the prices were cut (preferably to $0) but alas, it was not to be.
Fortunately
for our budgets, Kinokuniya decided to close (so early!  And on a Friday
night!
Surely *everyone* is out buying books on a Friday night!).  We managed to
exercise considerable collective restraint and left without purchasing the
entire
anime and graphic novel catalogues.

We discussed the pros and cons of secondhand bookshops, namely that books
were cheap (good) but that only enticed us to buy more, and typically spend
more
than we would have on new purchases (bad).  Lujan mentioned a secondhand
bookshop that opened quite late so we headed in that direction.  Alas, it too
was
closed.  In fact it appeared to have been closed for some time judging by the
lack
of books, shelves and general shop fittings.  Undaunted, we moved on to
another of
Lujan's secondhand bookshops and this one proved to still be operational.
I somehow managed to walk out with only one purchase.  Oh well, food is
overrated.

Lujan having decided to go home to his fiance and son, we waylaid a passerby
to
take a photo.  We then walked Lujan to the train station, and went in search
of food.
This took some time.  Eventually we found a Chinese place satisfactory to
everyone's
tastes and budgets.  Gathering our food, we trooped upstairs to the dining
room, and
continued conversations, mainly of books and the list.  And how to best
attack Libby.
Bobby destroyed his reputation by failing to drink a single drop of beer, or
in fact, any alcohol.

Being past our bedtime, we decided to call it a meet and head home.  All of
us bar
Bobby were on the same train line, and since his train would not be for
another hour he
waited on the platform with us.  At last our train arrived and we said our
good-byes to
Bobby, and it was a quiet ride to our respective stations.

-- Jehane

Vital Footnotes:

[1] Four meets in four different cities in the past nine months.
[2] No, not the entire novel, I mean my really *really* favourite parts.
[3] And what are the odds of that?  Probably a million to one...
[4] Mango, although he has read Small Gods so there's hope for him yet.
[5] Maybe we should be visiting the infidels with informative pamphlets...
[6] Not recommended for those who actually suffer from any of the phobias
and nightmares described (very graphically) within, which of course you
won't know until you open the book...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10) GAME CON IN BRISBANE?

A newby reports:

I (and Graeme Thorburm, the main writer) helped run 'The Compact
Disc' freeform at Necronomicon in Sydney (roleplaying convention)
and Terry sent over a Clarecraft model of Rincewind as a prize. Graeme
actually presented Terry with a copy of the game at a book signing
in Wollongong. The game featured the Disc failing because of one
of the elephants and the Creator had to return and find the spare
elephant. This was about a year and half before 'The Fifth Elephant'
came out.

I plan to send a copy of this game to Terry to send what he thinks
after I run it in Brisbane; the original two novels came out of
Terry's home Dungeons & Dragonz campaigns.

For those interested, GURPS put out a Discworld roleplaying
supplement.

PTerry hits Brisbane on November 8 according to the Australian
Discworld convention forum.

-- M. Whalan

(Editor: Anyone know what this means? Please explain it to
the rest of us. I am greatly confuzzled

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
9) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE LAST HERO
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
discover where many of the Disc's gods live.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2001 Gollancz edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The Uncompassionate, killed by Boy Willie
       (name, 1st letter)
2. God of wine and things on sticks (name, 2nd letter)
3. The Soul Sucker (name, 8th letter) prayed to by Evil Harry Dread
        (second name, 5th letter)
4. Goddess of the afternoon (name, 1st letter)
5. The Crocodile-Headed God (name, 2nd letter)
6. God of the winds (name, 1st letter)
7. God of certain mushrooms,  and also of great ideas you
        forgot to write down and can't remember  (name, 1st letter)
8. God in charge of paperclips, unnecessary paperwork, etc.
        (name, 1st letter)
9. Goddess of squashed animals (name 1st letter)
10. Immortal bringer of fire (name, 1st letter)
11. Goddess of the sea, apple pie, certain types of ice cream, and
        short lengths of string (name, 8th letter)
12. Goddess of saunas, snow and small theatrical performances
        (name, 1st letter)
13. The Goddess Who Must Not be Named (title, 3rd letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Where the gods are
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THIEF OF TIME
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. Foundling adopted by Guild of Clockmakers (first name, 6th letter)
        JEREMY CLOCKSON = Y
2. The Fifth Horseman (first name, 4th letter)
        RONALD SOAK
3. Foundling adopted by Thieves' Guild (last name, 3rd letter)
        LOBSANG LUDD
4. Discoverer of the talent of the foundling in #3 (last name,1st letter)
        MARCO SOTO
5. The auditor who became Unity (last name, 2nd letter)
        MYRIA LE JEAN
6. Chief acolyte to the abbot (3rd letter of name)
        CLODPOOL
7. Apprentice to the Eternally Surprised (4th letter of name)
        RINPO
8. The Sweeper (5th letter of name)
        LU-TZE
9. The Eternally Surprised (1st letter of name)
        WEN

/Y /A /D /S /E/ N /D /E /W  = Day the world will end
/ 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/  7/  8/  9/   = WEDNESDAY

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10)  THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Miss Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Another report from our new correspondent on Discworld.
Remember that stars ahead of the Turtle's line of flight
change their position only very gradually as do the ones aft.
The ones at right angles may easily alter their relative
positions, however, so every so often the horoscope may
have some new zodiac signs in it.  We have adjusted the
dates covered according to the Roundworld calendar,
more or less.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

Spring is in the air, unless you live in Fourecks
where they're getting their woollies out and
pretending it's nearly winter. And everyone knows
what happens in Spring when the sap rises and the
young maidens dance their vernal dances and yes,
that's one o' them mettyfors so this is a month for
keeping an eye on your daughters and also for
making sure your dearly beloved doesn't catch you
alone in the scullery at an inopportune time, unless
your name is Ogg. Be careful to adjust your clacks
antenna for seasonal temporal changes. Avoid squishi,
after all it's nearly a month with no 'r' in it!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

All good Gahooligans know to keep an eye on the
skies this month. Why, do I hear you ask? Because
this is the time of year you're most likely to get
hit by a rain of fish, especially if you live near Slice.
By sheer coincidence, your horoscope recommends
you eat a lot of fish this month, so make sure you
carry a frying pan with you at all times. The next
month will see a marked rise in your powers of
prognostication. Of course, by the time you get
around to reading this you already knew that.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May - 21 Jun

Didn't you do well avoiding that Assassin last month!
It just goes to show that astrology has its uses. Now
that you've honed your reflexes, it's time to think about
fitness classes. You might trot along to Brother Badrep's
Xtreme Self Defence dojo in Gleam Street; who knows, you
could even show them a few new moves while you keep your
skills sharp. And you don't even have to buy a martial
arts cossie because you have a fine hardly-worn suit of
black clothing. Stay away from high-carb foods, no
clootie dumplings for you this month, and make sure to
keep up your garlic infusions, since vampires are very
unintimidated by black clothing.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Those of you born under the sign of the Staff do love your
hot dinners. Like Roundworld Taureans, Staffies have an
inborn love of pleasure and luxury. That's why you really,
really do need to avoid the new Wienrich & Boettcher
chocolaterie now open in Turnwise Broadway. For that
matter, avoid the original W&B shop in Zephire Street
as well. Just stick to your fallback Higgs & Meakins
assortments, or better still, lay off the chocolates altogether.
Who knows, you might even rediscover what your feet look
like. If you are a wizard, do not meddle in the affairs of
hedgehogs, for they -- ah, everybody knows that one already.
Although as the Widdershins Star moves into the third
quarter, you might want to invite one to tea.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Bilious holds sway over the organs of the middle body,
particularly the stomach, liver and gall bladder. Have
you been taking care of yours? For that matter, do you
even know what a gall bladder looks like? Nine out of
ten people wouldn't recognise their own gall bladders
when shown a clear and distinct iconograph of them!
So unless you're that lucky tenth person, take it on
faith that you should treat yours better. After all, "holds
sway over" doesn't mean the same thing as "protects".
Today's hangover could be tomorrow's Igor bill.
Peppermints will bring luck. Avoid mixed drinks with
small umbrellas in them, particularly if they were
ordered by the ape at the next table.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

"All the world's a stage." And how many of us have secretly
wanted to take a turn on the boards of the Dysk or Lord
Wynkin's Men? This month, why not let out the actor in
yourself: impersonate one of the posh nobs in Scoone
Avenue, or a Watchman, or a priest of Offler, just to see
what happens. Don't say I told you to, of course. A small
round stranger may give you something precious in the
third week of the month; be sure no one sees this
happening. Mubboons can expect an upturn in romantic
matters when the Moon enters the House of Squamose.
Beware of eels.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Pay no attention to what they're whispering about you in
those dark corners: this month, the world is your starfish.
Yes, your ship is coming in at last. Remember those shares
in the Leshp Land Redevelopment Company I told you to buy
a few months ago? Well, they're finally rising again, and
what with you being a wise astrologically guided investor,
your future is going to be - what do you mean I never gave
you that tip? But I'm sure I told you why I, too, was
investing heavily in - erm, terribly sorry, I seem to have
misread your horoscope. Prepare for a tight month of stale
cheese rinds, and under no circumstances commit violence
upon wealthy ex-astrologers.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

Friendships are important, and never moreso than this month
for those born under that discount sign of the Salesman.
Follow your stars to Dibbler's Fine Pre-Owned Jewels
Emporium in Sator Square, where you can find the perfect
gifts to show your friends how much you value them. They
say a true friend is a pearl beyond price, but Mr Dibbler
can sort you out with pearls that aren't beyond your price
range, so long as you don't mind a certain lingering sausagey
smell clinging to the tasteful gift boxes. Or perhaps you'd
prefer to show your affection with homemade ironcrafts from
Gundar Stormbasher's shop in Silver Street. Keep yourself
vigilant against the dangerous Okjoker tendency to
credulousness; you don't want those advertising types
dictating your lifestyle, do you? Be sure to tell Gundar I
sent you.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

Spring is upon us: bet you a dollar you haven't yet sown those
reannual dandelions and elderberries you drank last year! Do it in
the second week of this month of There Will Be Trouble And No
Mistake. A good month to work on your natural Footy optimism.
No, not your natural footy optimism. Be honest now, you never
thought Quirm Wanderers would make it out of the Fourth
Division, sure you didn't. Have you never noticed that "fool" is
right next to "football" in the Revised Morpork Dictionary?
Take especial care when sweeping in corners, because we're coming
into poltergeist season. A close friend will reveal an amazing
secret; writing about it to the Times is not recommended, unless
you're fond of angry men with pitchforks invading your garden.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

Laugh and the world laughs with you, so polish those little bells on
your cap and bring a smile to your neighbours. They say there's no
Fool like an old Fool, but it's never too early to learn Foolishness, or
if you're a practising Omnian fundamentalist, Damned Foolishness.
You will receive a mysterious message on the 27th. If you're a
Borogravian male of national-service age, the 26th would be a good
time to take that Disc-wide voyage of discovery you always dreamed
about. For Hokian trolls and other silicon-based life forms, this is
a good month to polish those pesky lichen patches, for romance is in
the air. Be kind to bonsai mountains and don't forget to write home
to their parents.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

Cleanliness is next to godliness, so which god would you like to be
next to this month? A good spring clean will bring you that bit
closer to Dunmanifestin. Offlerians: a good eyewash potion from your
local witch will stop those crocodile tears. Nugganites: try carbonate
of soda to remove those telltale traces of garlic scent in your pantry.
Hernians: lemon juice is good for restoring sweetness to the insides
of your running shoes. Bel-Shamharothees: when's the last time
you wiped the ichor stains off your copy of the Necrotelicomnicon?
Omians: time to tidy up your back issues of Explanatory
Pamphlets and that Heed The Call magazines. Spiritualists: oh,
come on, how do you expect to see anything in a crystal ball unless
you can see the crystal? Honestly, some people.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

Family, what would we be without them? Well, orphans for a start.
Cough up for a clacks or a pigeon to your dear old parents this month.
Take some time to strengthen or reestablish family ties. The Moose
is loose in the House of Hoose this month, and that means close
family relationships will be especially rewarding. In other words,
cozen up to your nonagenarian great-aunties while they still have the
strength to write a new will. A neighbour may attack you with
words on the 19th, so if you have any relatives in the legal profession,
this is a wise time to flatter them like nobody's business. If you see
a glowing mushroom at the bottom of your garden, be sure to pick
it and include it in a stoo; your future will be very bright. Also
very full of pink elephants for a few days. Avoid albatrosses.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

... and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
May 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 5)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
DW Horoscope: Lady Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1

1) EDITORIAL -- ARE YOU GETTING ANY?
2) DW CON COMMITTEE REPORTS
3) PT IN RUSSIA
4) ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MELMEET
5)  PT IN POLAND, JAPAN

====Part 2

6) PUZZLE: THE AMAZING MAURICE
      AND HIS EDUCATED RODENTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7) DW THEME BANDS
8) VETINARI IN JINGO
9)  LOST MUNTAB
10) PIERS ANTHONY
11) KFL NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

====Part 3

12A) THE NEW DISC HOROSCOPE
       21 March through 23 September

====Part 4

12B) THE NEW DISC HOROSCOPE
       24 September through 20 March
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) EDITORIAL -- ARE YOU GETTING ANY?

Copies of WOSSNAME, of course.  We have had some
disturbing reports from people in Australia (including our
Managing Editor), the UK (including my granddaughter),
and elsewhere that some people are in a sort of
Yahoo limbo where they are not getting WOSSNAME, even
though they are on the regular mailing list.

It has been suggested that this may be because they are
on servers which use special characters that not all
other computers recognize.  To be honest, I am not the
world's greatest computer expert, and I'm not sure what
to do about the problem.  If you are an expert, please give
us your thoughts on this and if you think anything can be done
about it.  If you are not having any problems, I'd like to
hear from you anyway.  And, of course, if you are not
receiving this (unless you have mysterious telepathic powers),
there's no way you can know, so unless someone tells
you, there's no problem. <0:-)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) DW CON COMMITTEE REPORTS:

It's that time of every other year (not counting the millennium)
again: the Fourth Discworld Convention will be taking place
from the 20th to the 23rd of August at the Hanover International
Hotel in Hinkley. We have an event-packed programme and so
many celebrity guests that there will barely be room for the con-goers.

New guests include Rev. Lionel Fanthorpe (of Fortean TV fame)
and Graham Higgins, who illustrated the graphic-novel versions
of "Mort" and "Guards! Guards!".  Returning favourites include
Bernard Pearson (the Cunning Artificer), Stephen Briggs, Trever
Truran (inventor of Thud, the Discworld boardgame) and Dave
Langford.

If we can find time, there will be a few words from Terry, as well.

You will need a Procrastinator to attend all the events in
a single lifetime.  We have aphrodisiac recipes, belly dancing
classes, book signings, book readings, books to buy, read
and sign, auctions, plays, workshops, competitions, panel
games, the Gala dinner, a Maskerade, the Great Hedgehog
Race and the Leonardo de Quirm Aerial Challenge.

In addition, we have children's programme events running
at almost every daylight hour, so the whole family can
come and take part. If you are already a part of the Discworld
community then this is the perfect opportunity to meet old friends,
swap unlikely stories, flaunt your costumes and auction that
dog-eared copy of Carpet People that your mum got you for your
birthday one year, not realising you already had it.

If you have never been to an event like this before, it's the
perfect chance to make new friends, hear unlikely stories
and buy valuable Discworld memorabilia at bargain prices.

The full list of programme events should be available on our website
(http://www.dwcon.org/) by June 1st. Visit the site now to find maps,
booking forms, details of past events and convention news.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3)  PT IN RUSSIA

To the Editor:

     I have two quick questions.  First, are there and where do you obtain
Pratchett in Russian?  Mostly I am looking for Feet of Clay and Fifth
Elephant, but might settle for any.  My new relatives in Russia see me read
Pratchett when I am there and simply do not understand.  When they try to
read it in English they still don't get it.  So.....

     Secondly, my fiancee graduated from one of the People's acting
institutes. Were any of the plays even translated into Russian?

      I have looked there and here, including on line and in several of the
very large Russian bookshops there.  You are my only hope Obi Wan...

-- Charlie Tarbox

To the Editor:

I'm not sure I can be much help. Terry's novels have been translated into
many many languages, including Bulgarian, Estonian, Czech, etc. and -
although I'd be surprised if the list didn't include Russian - I don't
know definitely. In the UK, a bookstore would be able to check whether a
book had been published nand if they could order it but I also don't know
how Russian retail works or how effective Russian publishers are at
getting stocks into shops.

To the best of my knowledge none of the plays has been staged
legitimately in Russia.

Sorry not to be more help.

-- Stephen Briggs

(Your Editor reports: The Russian publishers Eksmo have
acquired a license for Jingo, and also for a number of
double volumes: Colour of Magic/Light Fantastic;
Guards! Guards!/Men at Arms; Witches Abroad/Lords
and Ladies.  Also reported: Pyramids/Small Gods and
Mort/Reaper Man.)

To the Editor:

(Updated report:)   An historian friend in Moscow just found five...
odd selection I think, but I am giving several as gifts to friends
there as a result.  Anyway... they exist with a limited selection
...these seem to be:  Eric, Small Gods, Colour of Magic, Light
Fantastic and Interesting Times.  Perhaps the translator has a
feeling for Rincewind?  Also three of Terry's other works
were translated apparently including one entitled 'Troll Bridge'
which I did not recognize.

-- Charlie Tarbox
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER MELMEET

Van Helsing MelMeet, 22/5/04
Melbourne, Australia

The PLN, as it originally stood, was that Paul Libwolf was to meet SteVen
and Dru to go and see Van Helsing at Crown Cinema on Saturday afternoon.
After much time-consuming emailing regarding time, place, participants and
so forth, the PLN ended up being changed to - wait for it - to see Van
Helsing at Crown Cinema on Saturday afternoon.  The only change was the
addition of Mogg, as nobody else on the Melbourne list was able to come.

And so the day dawned.  An observer would have noted that it was a beautiful
sunny sitting-by-the-river-with-a-coffee kind of afternoon, but that didn't
matter - the group had committed themselves to being locked in a large dark
room for a couple of hours with loud noises and vampires and such.  We all
managed to arrive and buy tickets with minutes of time to spare - a miracle,
considering the traffic and the natural tendency of all "I'll meet you at
the ticket booth" type meetings to go somewhat awry.  We decided that the
snack bar was deficient and that nobody was going to actually pay for water,
and settled ourselves in for the movie.

As has been commented on elsewhere, Van Helsing, whilst it had some good
points, has not so much a plot as a loosely connected series of large holes.
And I'm sure whatsherface must have been uncomfortable running in that
corset.  Post-movie, we decided that we had to go and get something to
drink, and eat, and some fresh air, which gave us the perfect opportunity to
take advantage of the sun and sit at a cafe away from the crowded and
echoing casino.  Much discussion (over coffee and very decent food) on the
movie and it's references, or lack thereof, to past art and accepted legend
on the subject of vampires/werewolves/monsters followed.  A brief mention of
TP's vampires in Carpe Jugulum was included, for form's sake.  The meet
dispersed in the late afternoon only when Paul and Mogg had to leave, one to
catch a train and the other for a concert.

-- Mogg
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) PT IN POLAND AND JAPAN

Pterry will be signing books in Poland on 1-4 June in the
cities of Warsaw, Krakow and Poznan.

Colin Smythe reports there are translations of The Colour
of Magic, Equal Rites, Sourcery and Mort available in Japan,
as well as several other PT titles.  Also, Choeisha is
buying Reaper Man.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 4


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MAY 2004 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
12A)  THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

You'll be pleased to hear that the former Miss
Asterisk has been promoted  to the DW
peerage and is now Lady Asterisk.  She
reports:

"Here, at considerable personal cost to myself heheh,
are the latest Discworld horoscopes from what one
might call a select cadre of very, very special and
on-topic guests. They're also longer than usual, but
given the nature and rarity of the "writers", I thought
you might not mind...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr
by Mrs Evadne Cake, small medium

The one you met at the station tavern last week, I said!
Green, yes, the purple one does your complexion no favours
dearie. Of course he'd prefer to. No, no, tall, dark and called
Ransom. eh? Oh, terribly sorry, I forgot to disconnect me
premonition again. Hello Hedgehogs, this month you will
meet a tall, dark stranger by the name of Ransom at the
station tavern, be sure of it. Romance is on the cards if you
wear a nice green dress and agree to let him take you to tea.
For Hedgehog men, using the name Ransom when loitering
at the station could bring you a lucky encounter and no
mistake. Yer actual hedgehog knows all about being prepared
for trouble and so should you, especially if you're the sort who
gets funny turns when the moon's full, like our Ludmilla.
This is a good month to consult a medium, look for one who
gives reasonable rates. Now excuse me, someone's knocking on
me crystal ball.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May
by Reginald Shoe, A-M City Watch

Comrades, did you know that underprivileged and socially
disadvantaged Gahooligans play a vital role in the balance
of a free and evolving society? I'll bet you didn't! But now
that you do, be sure to attend as many meetings and demos
as you can this month. Speak out! Let the upper echelons
of the privileged know how you feel! Reach for the very stars
you were born under! And by the way, isn't it just typical
that an important role is called "vital"? "Vital" this and
"vital" that, you'd think the living were the only ones who
matter. Hah! I'm a Gahooligan myself and I can tell you,
comrades, I may not be vital but I'm certainly crucial! It's
also a good month for singing uplifting songs, and if you
attend the Fresh Start Club meeting on the 15th you'll
be sure to find a good singalong. Cast no clouts until June,
whatever that means, and be kind to cemetery-keepers. And
now pardon me, I've got a grave to tidy.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May - 21 Jun
by Mrs Rosemary Palm, Seamstresses' Guild

Gather round, girls (you boys can gather round too, but it will
cost you a...negotiable amount), and I'll tell you Twosies your
horoscope for this month. Carlotta, do stop fiddling with your
nightgown. Now, this month is all about giving. And giving,
and giving. A sensible Twosie girl knows she has to make the best
of what the Gods gave her, and make it while her assets are firm
and her cheeks still dewy - Marielle, if you must giggle, please
don't snort like a Sto Helit sow! The secret of effective giving lies
in staying alert and sensitive to those around you: to their moods,
to their tastes, to their desires. A few well-worded prayers to
Petulia, Sessifet, and the Lady will set you in good stead, and
at mid-month it's advisable to pray that Grune, the God of
Unseasonal Fruit, does *not* smile upon you. Now back to work
with the lot of you, and remember that the Elephants carry the
world on their backs, so why should you do any less?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul
by William de Worde, editor, A-M Times

Let's talk about rumours and facts. We all know the power and
speed of rumours; it's the getting to the facts behind them that
really matters, but both are important, and I, William de Worde
(27), wouldn't be making my ten dollars and sixpence a week as
editor of the Times if I didn't know that. Now, I've noticed from
reading our own weekly horoscope that "Staffies" tend to self-
indulgence and are thus prone to indulging in passing along
unsupported rumours, but take it from this intrepid reporter,
you'd feel better about yourself if you applied a little discipline
and checked your facts. Check and re-check, I always say.
Otherwise you might end up losing your circulation, as a certain
Mr Dibbler (52) found out! Exciting news will come your way
from afar this month; read all the details in the Foreign News
section. If you are looking for romance, you could try placing a
line in our new Personals page (competitive rates, all species
catered for).
-30-
p.s. run this in Number 8 Quirmian Gothick.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug
by HRH Magrat of Lancre

You'll have to bear with me, I'm a bit, as it were, you know, rusty
at this. Let me just get my sigils and herbs - no, no, Esmerelda
dear, put the nasty toad's eye down and let Mummy work, there's
a good young woman - ah, here we are. Right. Er. This month the
stars favour a haircut. The most empowering time for a haircut will
be on the second night of the full - no, wait, I've misread that rune,
it should be halibut. The stars favour halibut? How odd. Oh well,
moving along, I see that great spiritual power is in the air for
Bilians born on the cusp of Hoki, and with proper application of
mystical principles you will come closer to reaching your inner
serenity. Romance is in the air too, isn't the air getting rather thick
- sorry, Shawn must've forgot to change the herbs in the garderobe
again. To learn the identity of your non-dominant significant
other, try this spell I found at Desiderata Hollow's cottage: "Fish
tail roasted in the fire, show this maid her heart's desire" - ah, that
must be where the halibut comes into it. I'm terribly sorry but I
have to leave now, Verence has fallen into the new compost extractor
again. Blessed be.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept
by Genghiz Cohen, Barbarian Hero

Around the Agatean Court I'm known as a man of few words
and a big sword, but I allus b'lieved my destiny lay in the stars.
Well, let's be  honest eh, I b'lieved my destiny lay at the pointy
end of a big sword,  but we can't all be legendary barbarian
heroes and don't let any bugger tell you different or you might
end up having a very interestin', very  *short* life. My
Emperorical 'strologer One Crawling Worm, handy feller with
a life-extending compliment, says people born under Mubbo
'd be well off becoming, f'rinstance, fat merchants, tavern keepers,
or even members of somebody's palace guard (so long as you
remember to  duck behind a handy pillar if you see some old
geezer with a broadsword wandering around  the throne room
crushin' jewels under his sandaled feet heheh). What we have
here is a good month to spend  a few days out in the fresh air of
the steppes with some horse cheese and  a few virgins t'sacrifice
to the gods of your choice. Take care of your  teeth, you'll
appreciate 'em when you're old and confronted by the likes
of a juicy walrus steak. Oh, and if you get bothered by any tax-
gatherers, just tell 'em you're a pers'nal friend of mine and if
they don't leave you alone the Emperor'll present 'em with their
own guts for garters. Now, anybody got any good recipes for
deep heat ointment?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 4


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MAY 2004 -- PART 4 OF 4
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
12B)  THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(continued -- 24 September through 20 March)

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
by Ponder Stibbons, DtM, UU

Um. I'm not quite sure why I've been asked to do this column,
since it's more in the Bursar's domain, or at least his corner of
the ceiling. But I fed an astrological chart into Hex and got this
printout:

+++ Astronomical errors detected +++
(lots of confusing number deleted)
+++ Entities born under Small Boring Group of Faint Stars
will experience exceptional clarity of thought this month due to
unusual stellar radiation. Suggest they apply these heightened
perceptions to reading up on natural philosophy and dangers of
putting faith in false cults. Wednesdays good for travel until
week of 26th. Encourage radishes +++
(some indecipherable characters removed)
+++ By the way you do realise this star chart is at least 4,000
years out of date don't you +++

Hex also told me to click on the mouse for more information,
but Big Mad Adrian broke our only pair of castanets.
Hope This Helps.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov
by Otto von Chriek, iconographer at large

My dear, dear children of ze night, it giffs me such pleasure to
cast ze Okjok horoscope for zis month! For zis is a month of
discipline und denial. Sweet denial, a subject so precious to me, a
subject zat makes my heart beat faster, or vould if I but had a
heartbeat. So often ve are taught zat self-denial is a painful
und unpleasant thing, but I assure you zhere is pleasure in ze
pain of stringent self-discipline (und pleasure also in ze shall ve
say inflicting of pain, but ve must...not...zink...about...zat).
To deny oneself is to reach ein higher plane, even to become vun
viss ze very stars. Denial is invigorating, denial is tasty, almost
as tasty as ze fresh, pure flow in ze unpierced veins of - ah, let's
not go zhere. So try fasting for a time zis month. It vill lighten
your burdens, it vill inspire you, it vill cause your spirit to thirst
for ze finer - no, no, mustn't zink about thirst, now I bathe me
in ze clear vaters of...dear Igor, vould you join me in a few verses?
And do varm up my flask of tomato juice, zank you!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec
by The Great Gaspode

Hello suckers. Gaspode here, bark bark whine hahaha. So you fought
horoscopes was just fer humans an' other bipedal wossnames? Well,
fink again. We o' the noble nearly-wolves fraternity also look to the
stars fer guidance, I'll have you know, even if the average gatepost
gives us types more guidance than the rest o' you can find wiv a
Mappe an' a torch. For me Foot-y brev'ren, this's a month fer buildin'
relationships, an' you'd be amazed at just how many relationships you
can build every night at this time o' year. Good fortune will come yer
way on the second Tuesday of the - oh wait, I keep fergettin' the rest o'
you lot don't know how to read a calendar - on the 16th night the
kitchen-maids at that posh Le Palais restaurant off Sator Square put
out the rubbish an' scraps. I know this cos the humans' stars say
that's a good night fer one o' dem banquet kinda fings. Lessee, the rest
of it now...stay alert, maintain yer leg-liftin' rights, and never, ever
give any lip - or tooth - to a hot blonde Ramtop wolfhound if she's
wearin' a Watch badge on her collar. Gaspode out, bark bark growl,
yeah right.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan
by Mrs Erzulie Gogol of Genua

So you want me to tell you your fate according to Hoki, hmm. Why
look to the stars? They're way far away in the sky and don't care
about us folks at all. You got to look to the world around you, right
there in your face, the trees, the birds, the swamp. Oh, and the
jambalaya. Nothing like a good plate of jambalaya to tell you what's
in store, and nobody does jambalayomancy like I does. So for what
it's worth, I can tell you Hokians that you better keep a close eye on
your housekeeping this month because a long lost relative will be
coming to you looking for help, and that you really oughtta avoid
walking near trees on the 22nd, and that a duck with two heads is
likely to hatch in your yard sometime around the 11th, and that that
dear friend you thought you could trust to the end of the world is
going to take an unexpected plunge over the Circumfence if you know
what I mean. And if you want to believe I know these things from
reading the stars I got no problem with that. It's all true, but life's
what you makes of it, and I tell you now, you can make a mighty
fine stew outta that duck. Satisfied now? Don't fergit to leave a little
consideration by the cauldron on your way out.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb
by Lu-Tze the Sweeper

So you want to know the secrets of your destiny, eh? Us History
Monks get asked that sort of thing all the time, you know. "How
many children will I have?" "Will I be rich?" "What's the name of
the winner of next month's Skund Royal Hundred Derby?" "Is
there time for me to find crazy Uncle Ferny's  secret hoard before
the old coot pops his clogs?"  Yak yakkety yak butter, like we'd
tell you that stuff! Is it not written, that what we don't know can't
hurt us? So let's just have a cuppa and a smoke and if you give
me a few minutes of your time, ha, that's a good one, I'll give you
a few tips for the next month. For is it not also written, if you
don't ask you'll never find out? For example, if you were born
under the Gazunda so to speak, it's plain as the chip stains on my
robe that there's no point in your getting out of bed on the 7th,
13th, 19th and 28th of next month. Trust me, you'll feel much
better for that. Also much more alive, and is it not written, where
there's life there's hope? An ordinary-looking, pale stranger will
try to involve you in  great and terrible Happenings; give him a
sharp smack on the bonce and don't let him follow you home.
Muscle pains and a headache on the 20th  are a timely, ha ha,
reminder to avoid falling through any nearby time warps. For is
it not written, watch that first step, it's a killer? Of course it is.
More tea?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar
by Rob Anybody Mac Feegle

Crivens! Here I am only just havin' learnt the mysteries o' the
readin' an' wrrritin' o' worrrds, an' I been asked to write a horrible
scope! Ach, won't me darlin' Kelda be proud. Er, should I call the
gonnagle in fer assistance? Oh all rrright then. I see the Moose is
still loose in the hoose of Hoose, and after all, only a Feegle can say
*that* proper-like. Ye canna be havin' wi' small ambitions this
month, whether yer a bigjobs or no' - I hear tell the Moose is a good
sign for those o' ye with clever fingers, so if ye canna' turn those
fingers to a spot o' thievin', try a spot o' weavin', an' that's a
fierce clever bit o' wordplay if I do say so meself. 'Tis a good month
for the keepin' o' obblygations, so don't forget to take care o' yer
geas. Shush, Daft Wullie, I know it ain't a bird! Tartan is yer
lucky colour, I'm no' tellin' yer lucky number so don't ask or ye'll
get a faceful o' heid. And now all this worrrdin' makes a pictsie
thirsty, pass the Special Sheep Liniment an' buggerroff.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

... and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Lady Asterisk.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME May 2004 -- PART 2 OF 4 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
6) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE AMAZING MAURICE
     AND HIS EDUCATED RODENTS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
discover who Spider is.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2001 HarperCollins edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Head female rat (first name, 3rd letter)
2. Head of the Watch in Bad Blintz (last name, 9th letter)
3. Mayor's daughter (first name, 4th letter)
4. A clockwork rat (name, 5th letter)
5. Owner of Jacko the terrier (second name, 3rd letter)
6. Head male rat (name, 2nd letter)
7. The tap-dancing rat (name, 3rd letter)
8. The little female rat who writes things down (name, 2nd letter)
9. The younger piper (first name, 5th letter)
10. The rat who wears toolbelts (name, 5th letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/  =
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE LAST HERO
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. The Uncompassionate, killed by Boy Willie
       (name, 1st letter) NING = N
2. God of wine and things on sticks (name, 2nd letter)
        BIBULOUS = I
3. The Soul Sucker (name, 8th letter) prayed to by Evil Harry Dread
        (second name, 5th letter) OLK-KALATH = T
4. Goddess of the afternoon (name, 1st letter)
        SESSIFET = S
5. The Crocodile-Headed God (name, 2nd letter)
        ERROR - SHOULD BE 5TH LETTER
        OFFLER = E
6. God of the winds (name, 1st letter)
        FLATULUS = F
7. God of certain mushrooms,  and also of great ideas you
        forgot to write down and can't remember  (name, 1st letter)
        ERROR - SHOULD BE 6TH LETTER
        TOPAXI = I
8. God in charge of paperclips, unnecessary paperwork, etc.
        (name, 1st letter) NUGGAN = N
9. Goddess of squashed animals (name 1st letter)
        ANIGER = A
10. Immortal bringer of fire (name, 1st letter)
        MAZDA = M
11. Goddess of the sea, apple pie, certain types of ice cream, and
        short lengths of string (name, 8th letter)
        LIBERTINA = N
12. Goddess of saunas, snow and small theatrical performances
        (name, 1st letter)  URIKA = U
13. The Goddess Who Must Not be Named (title, 3rd letter)
        THE LADY = D

N_/I_/T_/S_/E_/F_/I_/N_/A_/M_/N_/U/D/ = Where the gods are
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/   = DUNMANIFESTIN
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

CORRECTION OF MARCH PUZZLE: THIEF OF TIME

                  WRONG ANSWERS:
6. Chief acolyte to the abbot (3rd letter of name)
        CLODPOOL
7. Apprentice to the Eternally Surprised (4th letter of name)
        RINPO
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

To the Editor:

Not to rain on your parade, but these two answers
are interchanged -- Clodpool was Wen's befuddled
follower, Rinpo was whacked with the rubber yak.

Other than that, Wossname was as usual a heap o' fun.

-- Mrs Cake, waving a happy hello
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
              THE CORRECT ANSWERS ARE:

6. Chief acolyte to the abbot (3rd letter of name)
        RINPO = N
7. Apprentice to the Eternally Surprised (4th letter of name)
        CLODPOOL = D

/Y /A /D /S /E/ N /D /E /W  = Day the world will end
/ 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/  7/  8/  9/   = WEDNESDAY

No great harm was done here, since the puzzle itself
was OK,  just the answers got switched -- and besides,
the world  is going to end on Wednesday, anyhow. <):-)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) DW THEME BANDS

To the Editor:

How about DW-themed band names *not* made up by
the Creator of DW?

--  Lias Bluestone

To the Editor:

How about:

The Quantum Butterflies
Pointless Albatross
The Sammies
Cohen The Barbarian And His Silver Horde
Rat On A Stick
Wow-wow Sauce
Lu-Tze and The Sweepers
Swamp Dragon
Dibbler's Pie
Vetinari and the Mimes

Anyone else want to try?

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin

To the Editor:

How about these:

The Muntab Question
Johnny Hates Klatch
The Morphic Street Conspiracy
Rincewind's Hat
The Bumper Fun Grimoire
1,000 Elephants

Dwarf Bands:

Gold
The Rat Eaters
Stone of Scone
Small Deposits of Calcified Quartz in the Head
Kid Granite, with a Small Seam of Shale
Lawn Ornaments

Troll Bands:

The Lotsa Seasons
Many's A Crowd
Pyrite and the Rockbangers

Other:

Wizzard
Dean and the Senior Wrangler
The Musician's Guild (later found in much pain, especially the ring-in
piccolo player)
Death of Music
The Morris Men
Good Boy Laddie
A'Tuin and the Four Elephants
The Fifth Elephant
Kelda 'n' da t'ousand Mac Feegle

All I can think of for now at least.

-- ConMan
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) VETINARI IN JINGO

To the Editor;

An interesting essay on why Vetinari acts the way he does in Jingo:
http://www.ealasaid.com/fan/vetinari/musings-jingo.html

--The Snow Queen

To the Editor:

No offense to anyone concerned, but, who cares?
What is this incessant need to overanalyze books and
stories searching for "hidden" meanings as to why
characters do things.

It really is one of my pet peeves. You either like the
book or you don't and you have your reasons for that.
People searching for and imposing drug culture,
homosexuality and antiwar sentiments on the Lord of
the Rings is a perfect example. The author refuted
them all, but people are still fixated with pointing
out where they *think* it is.

Although tongue in cheek, my earlier post really said
it all. Vetinari did what he did because Mr Pratchett
wrote those words. Ta-dah! Pretty simple really isn't
it?

The Discworld is a fictional place with made-up
characters. If Vetinari does something "out of
character" he does it because the author made him do
it, nothing more sinister than that really. The
character himself didn't have dark ulterior motives,
because well, he doesn't exist except in our
imaginations and on the page.
Anyway, soapbox is now free.

-- SuperDan DtU, Dread Scribe of the Postvital,
President of the BU Super Heroes Association.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) LOST MUNTAB

To the Editor:

(as in "Where the hells is Muntab?")

Where, on the Discworld Mappe, do you think the Chalk
might be?

I won't make any prejudicial comments, but Steven and I
were thinking about it and poring over the Mappe the
other night, and we have a few ideas...

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin

To the Editor:

My guess would be on the Sto Plains - nearer the mountains than
any of the cities.

-- Paul

(Editor: This is rather cryptic, I'm afraid. Who -- or what -- is Muntab?
Which book is it from?  Alas, like many of our readers, I have not
memorized every word, and can't find it.  Nor is it mentioned in any
of the Discworld Companion books.  Anyone care to hazard a guess?)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10) PIERS ANTHONY

To the Editor:

As for reading humour - admittedly Pratchett may not
be as funny as Anthony if you like those bad puns, and
are reading the book without reference to the outside
world, and aren't really looking for a deep and
meaningful read but just a quickie.   But we don't,
aren't and are, so we like Pratchett more!

-- Maiyuran Arumugam

(Editor: In defense of Piers Anthony, I have read the
entire series at least twice, and he rarely messes
up the continuity.  Some of the puns are pretty
awful, but others are quite amusing.  As for "looking
for a deep and meaningful read," like what?  Perhaps
some of us are looking for another Charles Dickens
or William Shakespeare, and they may find one in
in Pratchett, but many readers ARE just looking for
a "quickie."  Is this a crime?)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

11) KFL NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

The KFL's Spanish-speaking section is rapidly approaching the
1,000 member mark, if it hasn't reached it yet. "Soul Music"
(same title in Spanish, after some thinking in which fans were
involved) is about to hit the shelves in June. The editors already
have the translation of "Eric" in their hands, ready to fill a nearly
historic gap in the series. It'll have to be an unillustrated
version (for marketing reasons, I suppose) and will become
available in January 2005. "Interesting Times" is scheduled
for July 2005, so the Spanish KFL proudly announces that 2005
will be the "Incompetent Wizzard Year". Timun Más (another
company publishing the Master's works) will re-release the
Bromeliad Trilogy in paperback. Oh, and we'll be having a
Third Discworld Con in Madrid (Ankh-Madriz III) at the end
of July, but the details will have to wait a bit. There will
be a Karaoke Filk Contest. I froze with fear when I read that.

-- Manu
    editor
    El Puercoespín
    mavide @alumni.uv.es
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 4 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 4


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
9)  THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Lady Asterisk reports that she has had to take on the duties
of WOSSNAME Astrologer again this month, since last month's
"special guests" were rather expensive :-), whatever that means.

Here is her advance forecast for July 2004 on Roundworld:

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

Fruit: Pineapple

How appropriate that the spiky and dangerous pineapple  should
be the astro-illogical fruit of the spiky and dangerous Adamant
Hedgehog! Those of you born under the 'Hog tend to short tempers.
Bad news if you're also a dwarf with a penchant for wearing
shorts: no way will you be able to avoid also being nasty and
brutish. For all other 'Hogs at the loftier reaches of the Campaign
For Equal Heights membership roster, take care to keep a smile on
your face for as long as you can, and remember to count to ten
when your temper is about to flare (for trolls, count to Many). A
soothing bath in scented herbal oils can help overstressed 'Hogs,
as can a cup of scented herbal tea.  Better yet, one of Nanny Ogg's
herbal health drinks (mostly apples) will keep you smiling like a
monk. Your lucky colour is flesh pink, and your lucky number is 22.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

Fruit: Orange

The  juicy, invigorating fruit of the orange tree shares its qualities
with your typical Gahooligan, who is fresh, zesty, pithy and often
rather sour. Gahooligans tend to be thick-skinned and do not
bruise easily, so they make good schoolteachers, priests, slave
traders, civil servants and debt collectors. Those of you born on the
cusp of Hoki  will find this a good month for consolidating money
matters, especially someone else's. A stranger may ask you for alms;
treat him as you normally would, though perhaps you should take
a slightly gentler attitude towards his kneecaps. Attend a concert
of carols or a Morris dancing demonstration on the 13th, where
you can practise being nonjudgmental. Your lucky colour is puce
- ha ha, bet you thought it would be orange - and your lucky
number is 4 1/2.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May - 21 Jun

Fruit: Strawberry

The Twosie fruit is the lovely strawberry. So plump and florid, so
soft and easygoing, so reminiscent of mouthwatering desserts
after vast hearty dinners in the UU dining hall. What a
magnificent, marvellous, magisterial fruit for the monstrously
magical membership of this masterful sign - I'm sorry, I got a bit
carried away there. Ahem. Those born under the Two Fat Cousins
have a tendency to sensitive skin; if you live in XXXX where it's
currently winter, be sure to wrap up well and moisturise to protect
that tender integument. For Llamedosian Twosies, now frolicking
among the henges and menhirs in the bloom of summer, do wear
sunscreen so you won't end up looking like your astral fruit. Oh
wait, there's never enough sunshine in Llamedos for any danger of
that! Your lucky colour is burnt umber, and your lucky number is
14.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Fruit: Aubergine

So you thought the aubergine was a vegetable? Well, think again!
The aubergine, also known to Fourecksians and some
Howondaland tribes as the eggplant, is indeed a fruit, and a tasty
one too. Its name derives from the Genuan "auberge" meaning inn,
so the Staff is a good sign for those who dream of being innkeepers.
It's also a good sign for soldiers (a relief to hear if you happen to
be a Borogravian innkeeper's daughter with designs on a military
career). And we already know that Staffies love their food, so it's
worth noting that the aubergine can be used in a variety of
healthful dishes and has very few of those pesky joule thingies so
long as you don't smother it in olive oil and cheese like the
Brindisians do. This month, be especially kind to cooks. Your lucky
colour is octarine, and your lucky number is 11.3165.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

Fruit: Grape

Of course your fruit is the grape, what else could it be? I suppose if
there's a fruit with special emetic properties - no, we'll stick with the
grape. A noble fruit, ultimate source of all hangovers since the
dawn of alcoholism. A fruit of many varieties, and delicious when
dried. But the grape is not a fruit to be taken lightly, and neither
should you be. This is a good time for Bilians to work on their
assertiveness training, especially if you want to be ready to stand
up to personal challenges coming your way in the third week of the
month. Don't let those brassy neighbours push you around!  You
could be the owner of your own winery if you learn to seize the day.
Or the bottle. Consider investing in reannuals this month. Your
lucky colour is burgundy, and your lucky number is 12 per cent.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

Fruit: Pumpkin

Born under Mubbo? You did not choose the pumpkin, the pumpkin
has chosen you! Favoured fruit of fairy godmothers and hungry
Sto Plains travellers, the pumpkin is an indicator of honesty and
the lack of artifice. There's no point in trying to keep secrets because
your open pumpkin-face will give you away every time. Mubbles are
also known for their kindness, understanding nature and
gullibility. Good professions: agony aunt (though not Agony
Aunt), careworker, tax assessor, Fool. Bad professions: spy, flim-
flammer, seller of sausages inna bun. This month, be as much like
a pumpkin as you can; emphasise your steadfastness, wear your
heart on your sleeve. Beware of soup factories and jack o' lantern
carvers. Your lucky colour is khaki and your lucky number is 31.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Fruit: Kumquat

What an appropriate fruit for this sign. The kumquat is one of those
strange Forn fruits created for humorous purposes; everyone knows
its name but few people could describe it, or pick one out of a
Watch identity parade. It sounds exotic and exciting and other
words beginning with x, yet in reality it's unremarkable-looking,
small, and, well, boring. But kumquats are good in jams, and
that's a quality you'll find handy when, for example, trying to
escape the clutches of Beings from the Dungeon Dimensions, or
mad gods, or persistent scythe-wielding anthropomorphic
personifications. Boring'uns should take great care this month to
avoid threatening scenery and anything that sounds exciting. Or
exotic. Your lucky colour is yellow, and your lucky number is 3,
although you can start running at 2.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

Fruit: Fig

Ah, figs. The fruit of seduction, the fruit of carelessness (why else
would people say "I couldn't give a fig" eh?), and the vital
ingredient of figgins, at least according to Nanny Ogg's Recipe
Book - although I have my doubts about that last. Gytha does love
her little jokes, and after all, there's no rabbit in Llamedosian
Rabbit, and no toads in Toad In The Hole, and as for those funny
little jumped-up biscuit tarts known as cheesecakes...but I digress.
After last month's self-denial exercises, I think you Okjokers can
afford to push the boat out a little, don't you? Try a short holiday
in Brindisi or Genua, where you can relax in the sun and toast
your figgins with a clear conscience. Be sybaritic, be selfish, for in
the great scheme of things, soft fruits must take advantage of their
short season! Your lucky colour is electric blue, and your lucky
number is 256 with a following wind.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

Fruit: Apple

Was there ever a more famous fruit than the apple? The classical
fruit of knowledge and temptation, the favourite fruit of
Hexomancers, the first fruit in the alphabet, the fruit most likely to
be chosen by dippy thespians when naming their firstborn...the fruit
of a hundred delightful uses, and may the Sauce be with you! This
month all Footies should indeed be saucy and fruitful, though  if
you're tripped it's a good idea not to fall too far from the tree.
Those of you starting a new job should bear in mind the crispness
and fresh taste of the apple when you present yourselves for that
vital first day. And spare a copper or two for that unfortunate
drunk in the gutter: for all you know, he was brought to that low
pass by a drink made of mostly apples. Your lucky colour is
crimson, and your lucky number is 1.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

Fruit: Cucumber

Another surprising astral fruit - and wasn't it certainly a surprise
for poor Old Vincent! Cucumbers weave their way around the
garden, and you can take that as a hint that you should be
tending to your social skills. Go out more. Learn to weave yourself
into the intricate patterns of gossip and confidences as the subtle
flavour of the cucumber weaves itself through a salad. Cultivate
your more social handicrafts: join a sewing circle, or start a
community quilt. Since cucumbers are good for the eyes, take extra
care of your own eyes this month. What with all that social
networking and eyecare skills, the last week of the month might be
a good time to open that beauty salon you always dreamed of. Or
to become a concubine: the Sultan of al-Ybi is hiring at the
moment. Your lucky colour is melon green, and your lucky number
is 7/12ths.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

Fruit: Bananana

The bananana, or banana as Roundworlders prefer to spell it, is a
most unusual fruit. Perhaps the fact that it has no seeds has
something to do with its affinity for the Rather Large Gazunda,
what with it being the most frequent sign of orphans and the
childless, to say nothing of all those famous Gazundian ecdysiasts.
Yes, it's true, ladies born under the Gazunda have an affinity for
peeling at the drop of a bananana skin, and why not? Mind your
knees and elbows this month; a visit to the chiropodist wouldn't go
amiss either. For the men, this month is a good one for replacing
worn trousers and for consulting to local pox doctor about that
troublesome hernia. Good things will come to you in hands, so
long as you remember to beware of tarantulas. Your lucky colour is
bone, and your lucky number is 6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot bunch.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

Fruit: Wahoonie

O, the wahoonie, most noble of all fruits! And largest. And
smelliest. Was there ever a fruit with more cachet? - possibly, yes,
but never one more egregious or infamous. You Meese are especially
blessed to be in resonance with this legendary fruit, and now that
we're halfway through the year, your time has come to blossom.
And it's time to come to your blossoms, too. Get out in the garden
and prune, fertilise, dust, spray, rake! Too late now to gather nuts
in May, so gather fruit in Grune and Spune. Don't forget to trim the
haha and feed the carp in the ornamental pond. In fact, why not
tidy and paint the whole outside of your house? Or the whole
neighbourhood? Or even get into the spirit of the Big Wahoonie
and paint the town red! Oh my, all this enthusiasm is making me
feel quite dizzy. Um. Your lucky colour is black , and your lucky
number is 7+1. I'm going to have a lie-down now, see you next
month.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

... and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
June 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 6)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Anna M.C.
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1

1) CONVENTION IN SPAIN -- ANKH-MADRIZ III
2) TERRY IS GUEST OF HONOR AT WORLDCON IN U.S.
3) REPORT FROM TERRY'S AGENT
4) MORT ON BBC
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5) LOST MUNTAB
6) UNDIES IN A TWIST?
7) AHFOS vs. WFM
8) A RESPONSE TO SUPERDAN

====Part 2

9) THE NEW DISC HOROSCOPE

====Part 3

10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: NIGHT WATCH
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) CONVENTION IN SPAIN -- ANKH-MADRIZ III

For the third consecutive year, the Convention of the Discworld Kevins
in Spain will be celebrated in Madrid, or rather in Ankh-Madriz.
The convention will take place on July 24 and 25. There are plans for
role-playing events, filksong contests, trivia games, a presentation
of a scene from a Spanish production of Mort, Thud games, even a subtitled
film version of Soul Music.  Attendees will also receive an Unseen University
diploma, and prizes will be awarded for the winners of various contests.
For more information, contact: http://gritos.com/mundodisco/

(Ed. note:  This is as well I can translate a lengthy release on this major
Con.  If you can speak Spanish, go to the website for a lot more
data and some amusing pictures.)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) TERRY IS GUEST OF HONOR AT WORLDCON IN U.S.

Are any Klatchian Foreign Legionnaires going to be attending the
Boston Noreascon? (If you're reading this, you're already a KFL member.)

Terry Pratchett is a Guest of Honor at the con, which is Noreascon Four,
the 62nd Worldcon.  It will be held from September 2nd through 6th.

Our coordinator for a KFL meet-up will be Anna M.C. You can reach
her at annamc@... if your Labor Day Weekend plans
include a trip to the con.  We will try to set up a special meeting
for our group with Terry.

Also, if any of our readers would like to write up their experiences
at the con, please send them in and we will publish them. Send them
to Joe Schaumburger at: jschaum111@...
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) REPORT FROM TERRY'S AGENT

Colin Smythe, Terry's agent, reports:

I'm delighted to say that on 16 July Terry receives his fourth
honorary doctorate -- a LittD from the University of Bristol.

Stephen Briggs featured among the 2004 Audie Award winners,
in the Science Fiction category, as reader of Monstrous Regiment,
published in the USA by Harper Audio and in Britain by Isis. The
Audies are the annual awards handed out by the (American) Audio
Publishers Association, so this award went to Harper Audio.

L'Atalante have signed contract for French editions of The Fifth
Elephant and The Truth.
Noesis in Romania are buying Sourcery.
Borgens in Denmark are buying Mort and Sourcery.
Pocket Books in France are buying mass market paperback
rights in Interesting Times and Maskerade.

Proszynski in Poland have just published Feet of Clay, and
Terry has just returned from a four day signing which had it
been twice as long would not have satisfied Polish fans.  They
had to be turned away from the shops in their hundreds as
there were too many wanting their books signed. At one time
he was signing 20 books a minute; the only way to leave two
of the shops to catch the last train was with the help of a
column of security guards!
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) MORT ON BBC

BBC Radio 4 are broadcasting an adaptation of MORT in four
half-hour episodes at 11.00pm on Tuesdays, which began on
15th June, and continued on 22and 29 June, and will finish
on July 6. It can be listened to at 23.00 UK time at
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/radio4.shtml?fm
or afterwards at
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/progs/listenagain.shtml

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) LOST MUNTAB

Some comments from our readers about the Muntab question:

To the Editor:

Proof of Muntab in Wyrd Sisters:

The calendar of the Theocracy of Muntab counts down, not up.
No one knows why, but it might not be a good idea to hang
around and find out.

More proof in Carpe Jugulum (Verence to Nanny):

"...We're part of a big world. We have to play that part. For
example, what about the Muntab question?"

Nanny Ogg asked the Muntab question.

"Where the hell's Muntab?" she said.

"Several thousand miles away, Mrs Ogg. But it has ambitions
hubwards, and if there's war with Borogravia we will certainly
have to adopt a position."

-- Takahe Notornis (maybe)

To the Editor:

Where, on the Discworld Mappe, do you think the Chalk
might be?

I won't make any prejudicial comments, but Steven and I
were thinking about it and poring over the Mappe the
other night, and we have a few ideas...

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin

To the Editor:

My guess would be on the Sto Plains - nearer the mountains
than any of the cities.

-- Paul

(Ed.: Don't ask me.  I only publish this stuff.  I think we took a
wrong turn some months back.)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) UNDIES IN A TWIST?

Hello brother & sister Wossnamers:

I was curious if there was a difference in spelling 'kelda' across the
Atlantic between the States and the UK.  Here in the States, there is an
inconsistency in which the Kelda's name is sometimes capitalized and
sometimes not capitalized.  Yet the 'Big Man' character always has his title
capitalized.  I admit to getting my feminist undies in a twist if the States
distributor of Pratchett's stories shirks at capitalizing Kelda, when her
character is so obviously the queen of her clan.  Yes, she's an earth mother
figure.  Give her the respect she deserves and capitalize her title...

*gets off soapbox*

--Morosan
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) AHFOS vs. WFM

To the Editor:

Just finished A Hat Full of Sky, which the nice people at Ipswich
Council library got for me, first in the queue I was!!

Somebody once said sequels were never as good as the original, but
they must never have read PTerry.

Bloody excellent!! And every bit as good as Wee Free Men.

I actually prefer it to Wee Free Men.

-- Simone

To the Editor:

AHFoS is bigger, broader, darker, more mature, all that. But then
again it couldn't exist without WFM to set the story. I love them both!

--Astrid Osborn
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) A RESPONSE TO SUPERDAN

To the Editor:

(Last month,  a letter from SuperDan DtU, Dread
Scribe of the Postvital, President of the BU Super
Heroes Association, argued:

No offense to anyone concerned, but, who cares?
What is this incessant need to overanalyze books and
stories searching for "hidden" meanings as to why
characters do things.

In rebuttal, Stacie Hanes says:

People, authors included, are not always explicitly
aware of why they think, do, or write certain things.
Our responses are filtered through current culture
and reflect it, almost invariably. People use literature
to shine a light on real life, as well as for entertainment.

One reason people analyze literature is to examine the
world from another angle --make connections, turn life
this way and that, get a look at the hidden side. It's a
very large analogy and metaphor game; by thinking
about why a character might have acted in a certain way, a
critic might have some insight into a real situation. Genres
do differ in philosophy, but for most purposes, the genre is
the tint of the lens through which we examine our world --
it doesn't obscure the detail, and you just pick your favorite
color so that it's more fun.

Yes, it is simple, on a superficial level. But to leave it there
is to use very little of what literature can do. The key is knowing
when to drop it. There is a point when it's no longer valuable to
speculate about a character's behavior.

Analyzing a character's behavior, or the timeline of a series of
books (while it can become tedious) is also a way of discussing
the craft of writing, in the flavor of choice. Character and internal
logic are important in well-crafted books. It's natural for people,
most of whom are not particularly interested in the pedagogy of
writing, to discuss these things in terms of the books the like best.

-- Stacie Hanes
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: NIGHT WATCH
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
find out where the Glorious People's Republic was located.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2002 HarperCollins edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. What the other Assassins called the young Vetinari.
       (name, 1st letter)
2. Dotsie and Sadie (title, 1st letter)
3. The Pox Doctor (nickname, 2nd letter)
4. Insane Patrician (last name, 6th letter)
5. A foreign guy with a funny name who ran the shonky shop
     (middle name, 6th letter)
6. Head of the old Watch (last name, 6th letter)
7. Teacher of Sgt. Colon  (first name, 2nd letter)
8. Temporarily, senior officer in the field (last name, 1st letter)
9. Head of the Unmentionables (first name, 6th letter)
10. Had L and R painted on his boots (last name, 4th letter)
11. Eventually, Captain of the Palace Guard (last name, 1st letter)
12. Becomes the new Patrician after 4. above (last name, 3rd letter)
13. Trainer of young Sam Vimes (last name, 2nd letter)
14. Bobbi from Genua (first name, 1st letter)
15. The cemetery's resident gravedigger (first name, 5th letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Where the Glorious
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/14/15/      People's Republic was

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE LAST HERO
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. The Uncompassionate, killed by Boy Willie
       (name, 1st letter)  NING = N
2. God of wine and things on sticks (name, 2nd letter)
        BIBULOUS = I
3. The Soul Sucker (name, 8th letter) prayed to by Evil Harry Dread
        (second name, 5th letter) OLK-KALATH = T
4. Goddess of the afternoon (name, 1st letter) SESSIFET = S
5. The Crocodile-Headed God (name, 2nd letter) OFFLER = E
      (ERROR - should have been listed as 5th letter)
6. God of the winds (name, 1st letter) FLATULOUS = F
7. God of certain mushrooms,  and also of great ideas you
        forgot to write down and can't remember  (name, 1st letter)
        TOPAXI = I  (ERROR - should have been listed as 6th letter)
8. God in charge of paperclips, unnecessary paperwork, etc.
        (name, 1st letter) NUGGAN = N
9. Goddess of squashed animals (name 1st letter) ANIGER = A
10. Immortal bringer of fire (name, 1st letter) MAZDA = M
11. Goddess of the sea, apple pie, certain types of ice cream, and
        short lengths of string (name, 8th letter) LIBERTINA = N
12. Goddess of saunas, snow and small theatrical performances
        (name, 1st letter) URIKA = U
13. The Goddess Who Must Not be Named (title, 3rd letter)
        THE LADY = D

N_/I_/T_/S_/E_/F_/I_/N_/A_/M_/N_/U_/D_/ = Where the gods are
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/         DUNMANIFESTIN

Help needed!  Would you like to help prevent errors in the
Puzzle?  Contact Joe Schaumburger at jschaum111@...
and be our new puzzle editor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
July 2004 (Volume 7, Issue 7)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent in
your name, country and e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Asti Osborn
Book Reviews: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
DW Horoscope: Anaemia Asterisk
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Anna M.C.
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------

INDEX:

====Part 1

1) NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW NOR GLOM OF NIT
     (First Review of GOING POSTAL)
2) TERRY TO RECEIVE SPECIAL HONOR AT WORLDCON IN U.S.
3) CONVENTION IN SPAIN CANCELED?

====Part 2

4) NESFA PUBLISHES NEW PRATCHETT BOOK
5) TERRY HINTS AT NEW TITLES
6) PRATCHETT RECOVERS FROM HEART OPERATION
7) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE WEE FREE MEN

====Part 3

8) THE NEW DISC HOROSCOPE

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW NOR GLOM OF NIT

A few Thoughts on Going Postal, the forthcoming Discworld novel

(Since the book is not yet out, I suppose we need a giant SPOILER
notice right here.  Don't say we didn't warn you.)

by Annie Mac

Before I start, I'd like to point out that I don't *always automatically*
declare each new Discworld or Discworld-related novel to be a stupendous
work of towering genius, yadda yadda. Much as I have loved Terry
Pratchett's wordsmithing for many years, I'm of the opinion that the
earliest Discworld books (lovely as they still are) aren't a patch on the
later ones. And Small Gods left me cold - fine writing, but no characters
I could warm to. And Pyramids still feels weak to me, even after many
re-readings. But I think the Man reached escape velocity from Lords and
Ladies onward, and ever since then, the books continue to grow ever more
magnificent and the Discworld as he shows it to us keeps evolving into an
ever more complex, ever more *real* continuinuinuum, grittier and more
layered and richer in heart and soul with every new addition to the canon.

So yes: Going Postal is a stonking, walloping beauty of a book. And it's
one that, in my opinion, is so well crafted and so full of ultra-relevant
modern parables that it could satisfy as a standalone novel if read by
someone who is unfamiliar with the Discworld and its, erm, unusual
denizens.

Those of you who have seen the online blurbs already know the basic
premise. The setting is a very few years since the events of Monstrous
Regiment; the Clacks semaphore system has grown to span the continent,
and in the process become a vital part of society (internet, anyone?), but a
change of management and a proliferation of breakdowns and...accidents
are rendering the system unreliable, so Lord Vetinari hires - for a certain
value of "hires", of course - a condemned young con-man, Moist von
Lipwig, to resurrect the moribund Ankh-Morpork postal system. Of
course it's by all appearances an impossible task, but the alternative to
trying is, well, no viable one. And also of course, the last thing the Grand
Trunk clacks company wants is competition, so the race is on. No challenge
is too outrageous, no trick is too dirty. Standing behind the new Postmaster
is a big man with a fist of clay, and standing further in the shadows is
the mysterious cabal known as The Smoking Gnu...and standing so deep in
the shadows that the shadows don't often realise he's there, we have Lord
Vetinari, manipulator extraordinaire, whose ever-growing political
expertise gives new meaning to the word "tyrant" - or perhaps a return to
the *older* meaning of that word.

The underlying theme of the story is that it takes a crooked man to run a
straight game properly. Of course Vetinari has always embodied that
idea, but in Moist von Lipwig we have a new, more humanistic character
to demonstrate it. At the start of the book he cares only for saving his own
skin (with himself in it, for preference), but as events wear on he finds
himself using his "people skills" more and more for the public good. It's
a parable to be sure, but delivered without undue sentiment and, as ever,
with Pratchett's unique understanding of human - and Golem, and other
species' -- nature, and with plenty of humour and dyspeptic wit. And
punes, naturally.

Another major component is the evolution of the societies of the Discworld,
and of Ankh-Morpork in particular. Modern times are truly coming to the
Disc at a speed Alvin (Future Shock) Toffler would recognise with a
sardonic grin. Vetinari gave us legalised Guilds; now we have a financial
sector, mercantile conglomerates, a mushrooming middle class, and the
rise of white-collar crime, all relentlessly chronicled by The Times. Things
are moving fast in Ankh-Morpork. I don't think Granny would approve,
but the genie is well and truly out of the bottle now and the Discworld is
shrinking by the month as global (discal?) commerce spreads its claws
and near-instantaneous communication becomes commonplace. Yet it's
also worth noting that human nature (and Dwarf and Troll and Zombie
and what-have-you nature) remains unchanged, as are the dark vitality
and raw venality that make up such an important part of the Ankh-
Morpork national psyche.

Going Postal is very much Moist's and Vetinari's show, although some
familiar characters are part of the supporting cast and many more have
their presence felt. But there are new characters, fascinating new
characters. We're already familiar with magic-geeks via Ponder Stibbons
and his Hex team; now we meet a new breed of geek, the Clacks engineer
- new to the Discworld but deliciously familiar to any Roundworlders who
know the IT industry. A hacker is a hacker in any reality, and I wonder
if Pratchett is editorialising a wee bit here because all the Discly hackers
have the integrity (and sometimes-dangerous naivety!) of Leonard of
Quirm. Ah well, it is a fantasy novel, after all... We also get to learn
more about Golem culture, pin freaks, and a handful of new facts about
Uberwald.

Oh, and there's romance, of a sort. And something approaching a happy
ending, with all loose ends tied up. And a delicious double punchline at
the very last.

And the Man manages, just, not to mention the word "Microsoft" even
once, muhahahaha.

One thing may come as a bit of a shock, though. Tradition has been
broken: Going Postal has *chapters*! With Victorian-style sub-headers!
I had to go out for some fresh air, followed by a lie-down, when first
confronted with that. No, not really, but I did end up trying not to read
the chapter titles after a while, just so I could rocket on wrapped in the
story. Now I have the additional delight of reading them on their own
- and enjoying the superb (but sadly, uncredited in the galley proof)
stamp illustrations accompanying each one.

As to how Going Postal "fits" among the Discworld novels, I would place
it in a similar vein to The Fifth Elephant, which happens to be one of my
favourites. Enjoy.

NB: beware the lure of pins.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) TERRY TO RECEIVE SPECIAL HONOR AT WORLDCON IN U.S.

Are any Klatchian Foreign Legionnaires going to be attending the
Boston Noreascon? (If you're reading this, you're already a KFL member.)

Terry Pratchett is a Guest of Honor at the con, which is Noreascon Four,
the 62nd Worldcon.  It will be held from September 2nd through 6th.

Our coordinator for a KFL meet-up will be Anna M.C. You can reach
her at annamc@... if your Labor Day Weekend plans
include a trip to the con.  We have set up a special meeting
for our group with Terry where we will bestow a signal honor on him.

Also, if any of our readers would like to write up their experiences
at the con, please send them in and we will publish them. Send them
to Joe Schaumburger at: jschaum111@...
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) CONVENTION IN SPAIN CANCELED?

We're sorry to report that the July 24-25 Ankh-Madriz III
Con was canceled.  The head of our Spanish section,
Manuel Viciano reports:

Some bad news. The Spanish Discworld Con, Ankh-Madriz III, has
had to be delayed due to organization problems and last-minute
desertions from the original program. It was due to be held on
July 24 and 25 but, had it been done so, it would have been
more like a giant meetup.

So it has been delayed. There is talk about two possible dates:
mid-August or October/November, when the program should be
able to present a little excerpt from the 'Guards! Guards!' play
being prepared in Madrid at this moment by director Borja Yague
and his actors. Additional information will be displayed (in Spanish)
on the Con Website, soon to be back up on the web at:
http://gritos.com/mundodisco/

Original plans were for role-playing events, filksong contests,
trivia games, a presentation of a scene from a Spanish production
of Mort, Thud games, even a subtitled film version of Soul Music.
Attendees were to receive an Unseen University diploma, and prizes
will be awarded for the winners of various contests.

Meanwhile, Manu reports, membership in the Spanish-speaking
branch of the KFL has already risen above 1,000 members.
It's 1,022 at the moment.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) NESFA PUBLISHES NEW PRATCHETT BOOK
      AT NOREASCON

ONCE MORE * With Footnotes
by Terry Pratchett

Introduction by Esther Friesner

Cover by Omar Rayyan; dust jacket design by Omar & Sheila Rayyan
edited by Sheila Perry and Priscilla Olson
Hard cover ISBN: 1-886778-57-4, 288 pp., 5.5" x 8.5", To be released at
Noreascon 4, September 2004, $25.00.

Another new Pratchett book, "ONCE MORE * with
Footnotes," will be out this September, containing
scores of Terry's short stories and articles. Included are:

Alien Christmas (story),  And Mind the Monoliths (article),
Ankh-Morpork National Anthem. (The story, sort of),
The Big Store (article), The Choice Word (article),
Cult Classic (article), Death and What Comes Next (story),
Doctor Who? (article), Elves Were Bastards (article),
Faces of Fantasy / On Writing (article), Final Reward (story),
FTB (story), The Hades Business (story), High Tech, Why Tech?
(article), Hollywood Chickens (story),   Imaginary Worlds, Real
Stories (article), Incubust (story), Intro to: Brewer's Dictionary
Of Phrase And Fable [16th edition], Intro to: The Leaky
Establishment by David Langford,   Intro to: The Ultimate
Encyclopedia of Fantasy, Intro to: The Unseen University
Challenge,  Intro to: The Wyrdest Link, Let There be Dragons (article),
Magic Kingdoms (article), Medical Notes (story, sort of)
Neil Gaiman: Amazing Master Conjurer (article), No Worries (article),
Once and Future (story), The Orangutans are Dying (article),
Paperback Writer (article), Roots of Fantasy (article)
The Sea and Little Fishes (story), Secret Book of the Dead (poem),
Sheer Delight: Tribute to Bob Shaw (article), Theatre of Cruelty (story)
Thought Progress (article), Thud -- A Historical Perspective (story, sort of)
Troll Bridge (story), Turntables of the Night (story), Twenty Pence with
Envelope and Seasonal Greeting (story),
Whose Fantasy Are You? (article), A Word About Hats (article)

Omar Rayyan is a Massachusetts artist best known for his
illustrations of children's books and stories. His work regularly
appears in Cricket magazine. He has won awards from the World
Fantasy Convention ("Most Humorous") and the New England
Press Association (for editorial illustration). Rayyan's work delights
fans at many regional and national science fiction conventions.

Address questions about the book to sales@....
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) MAJOR TERRY INTERVIEW CONTAINS
       HINTS OF FORTHCOMING BOOKS
                     by Anna M. C.

One of the best aspects of my employment in a public library is
that, in the course of my sci-fi/fantasy collection development
duties, I actually get paid to read Locus magazine. Is this the
perfect job, or what?

Imagine my excitement when I discovered that the May 2004
issue of Locus featured an insightful, lengthy interview entitled
"Terry Pratchett:  21 Years of Discworld."   It's chock-full of
the Great One's candid, sometimes controversial, often funny,
and always intelligent (bordering on knurd) views on such
topics as the writing process; children's books; the evolution
of sci-fi; other prominent authors; fandom; and the future of
Discworld.

I highly recommend you drop everything else you're doing
(unless it's heavy, and your foot is directly underneath, or
you're holding a small child -- use your own judgment) and
read it ASAP.  Copies are available via direct order from
Locus (PO Box 13305, Oakland, CA  94661;
fax 510-339-8144), or your local library (don't forget the magic
of interlibrary loan).

In the interim, here are a few highlights to tantalize you,
first from the forthcoming Going Postal:

"The next adult Discworld book, Going Postal, will be
published close to the 21st anniversary of the first
Discworld book, so I have to make certain it's good! . . .
there seems to be an international habit of postmen,
when the stress gets too much, to stash undelivered mail
everywhere, like mad hamsters storing food . . .

"Going Postal involves a confidence trickster, a forger
and flimflam man, who's due to be hanged until Lord
Vetinari, in his beneficent wisdom, sends a stay of
execution with the offer:  'You can go back on the
scaffold or you can become Postmaster General.'
The guy says: 'But I'm a career criminal!  I deceive
people!  I take money from them!'  The reply?
'Welcome to government service.'  Sometimes,
maybe, a criminal is better at getting things to work.
And then he finds out how the last four postmasters died . . . ."

And another upcoming book, sort of an alternate history of Darwin:

"There is going to be a third Science of Discworld book, because
I got together with Jack Cohen and Ian Stewart and we were
speculating on what life would have been like if The Origin of
Species had never been written. . . . what if Darwin had written
a magnificent, sparkling work of what is effectively creationist
science rather than Origin, one that effectively became
acceptable to all sides in the debate?"

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way . . .

"I put 'sleepers' in various books, little hooks for future books.
Sitting there for years and years are the two powerful aristocratic
families in Ankh-Morpork, the Selachii and the Venturii -- loosely
translated, they are the Sharks and the Jets, which means I'm
setting them up for a Discworld version of Romeo and Juliet.
Most people could give you a thumbnail Romeo and Juliet plot
even if they don't really know their Shakespeare, simply because
there have been so many movies.  I think it was meant to be a
comedy; one day, I'll try it."

Dark Discworld:

"'Grim' is probably the wrong word for my last few adult books;
grim by comparison, I suppose, to get away from that 'wacky,
zany' label."

The Discworld fandom: It's alive, it's alive!

"When one town in the UK took Ankh-Morpork as its
sister city a few years ago, the ceremony was astonishing:
there must have been at least 600 people in costume . . . .
I felt a bit like Baron Frankenstein -- you put the crocodile
clips to the bolt on the neck and pull the lever and it gets up
off the slab, and it's walking down to the village, and you've
got no idea where it's going to go or what you can do about it.
It was great fun."

Gaining respect from the literary establishment:

"One of the curious things I've found, which was particularly
noticeable after The Amazing Maurice, is that if you're known
as a fantasy writer, the literary people kind of edge around a
bit, but if you're writing for children: 'Ah, that's OK.  That
nice Professor Tolkien and that nice Mr Lewis did that.'"

On being a workaholic:

". . . this winter I had a bit of a health scare . . . . I took a
good look around and thought:  there's no actual rule that
says I have to do two books a year. . . . I think I'm going
to take more holidays.  The trouble is, last time I went on
holiday I wrote 25,000 words!"

(All quotes are copyright Locus magazine, May 2004 issue)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) PRATCHETT RECOVERS FROM HEART OPERATION

After reading reports from several different sources about Terry
having a serious heart operation, we contacted Colin Smythe to try to
find out what had happened.  Terry wrote back:

   "What I had was an angioplasty, where they widen arteries in the
   heart by going up through your leg (believe me).  No real
   cutting, no weeks in bed, it's an out-next-day-job.  I gather
   there was some 'excitement' because I reacted badly to something
   or other, but I was out of it and dreaming of sandwiches and,
   indeed, was out next day.

"I'm not making a big deal out of this one way or the other.  It
   wasn't an emergency operation, although it would have had to be
   done sooner or later; it was needed because of the long term
   effects of high blood pressure I didn't know I had, and which is
   now nice and low because they've got the pills right."

   -- Terry Pratchett.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: NIGHT WATCH
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
find out where the Glorious People's Republic was located.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2002 HarperCollins edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. What the other Assassins called the young Vetinari.
       (name, 1st letter)
2. Dotsie and Sadie (title, 1st letter)
3. The Pox Doctor (nickname, 2nd letter)
4. Insane Patrician (last name, 6th letter)
5. A foreign guy with a funny name who ran the shonky shop
     (middle name, 6th letter)
6. Head of the old Watch (last name, 6th letter)
7. Teacher of Sgt. Colon  (first name, 2nd letter)
8. Temporarily, senior officer in the field (last name, 1st letter)
9. Head of the Unmentionables (first name, 6th letter)
10. Had L and R painted on his boots (last name, 4th letter)
11. Eventually, Captain of the Palace Guard (last name, 1st letter)
12. Becomes the new Patrician after 4. above (last name, 3rd letter)
13. Trainer of young Sam Vimes (last name, 2nd letter)
14. Bobbi from Genua (first name, 1st letter)
15. The cemetery's resident gravedigger (first name, 5th letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Where the Glorious
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/14/15/      People's Republic was

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE LAST HERO
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. The Uncompassionate, killed by Boy Willie
       (name, 1st letter)  NING = N
2. God of wine and things on sticks (name, 2nd letter)
        BIBULOUS = I
3. The Soul Sucker (name, 8th letter) prayed to by Evil Harry Dread
        (second name, 5th letter) OLK-KALATH = T
4. Goddess of the afternoon (name, 1st letter) SESSIFET = S
5. The Crocodile-Headed God (name, 2nd letter) OFFLER = E
      (ERROR - should have been listed as 5th letter)
6. God of the winds (name, 1st letter) FLATULOUS = F
7. God of certain mushrooms,  and also of great ideas you
        forgot to write down and can't remember  (name, 1st letter)
        TOPAXI = I  (ERROR - should have been listed as 6th letter)
8. God in charge of paperclips, unnecessary paperwork, etc.
        (name, 1st letter) NUGGAN = N
9. Goddess of squashed animals (name 1st letter) ANIGER = A
10. Immortal bringer of fire (name, 1st letter) MAZDA = M
11. Goddess of the sea, apple pie, certain types of ice cream, and
        short lengths of string (name, 8th letter) LIBERTINA = N
12. Goddess of saunas, snow and small theatrical performances
        (name, 1st letter) URIKA = U
13. The Goddess Who Must Not be Named (title, 3rd letter)
        THE LADY = D

N_/I_/T_/S_/E_/F_/I_/N_/A_/M_/N_/U_/D_/ = Where the gods are
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/         DUNMANIFESTIN

Help needed!  Would you like to help prevent errors in the
Puzzle?  Contact Joe Schaumburger at jschaum111@...
and be our new puzzle editor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
8)  THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hello my dear zodiac addicts, it's time for another dose of my
arcane astroillogical wisdom(TM). Rather than telling you the
usual should-I-get-out-of-bed-this-month hints, I'm going to have
a serious talk about the traits and qualities of each Sign and of
those born under it. Nothing frivolous here! -- as it happens, my
frivol is in for repairs. So pull up a chair and get comfortable...

-- Lady Asterisk

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: 'Hogs, Hoggers (*not*
Hogwarts)

The typical 'Hog personality, as you already know, is short on
temper and long on spikiness. Hoggers have a strong tendency to
arrogance and can sometimes even be dangerous; they often have
methodical minds, and a talent for prognostication is frequently
part of the 'Hog profile -- although with that arrogance and
spikiness, do you really care what happens in the future? Of course
not, the future will just have to rearrange itself to suit you. The
Adamant Hedgehog holds sway over matters of the feet, ankles,
elbows and fingernails, and is often the Sign of Watchmen,
athletes and Regimental Sergeant Majors.

SOME FAMOUS HOGGERS: Mrs Evadne Cake; Cheery Littlebottom;
Lord Ronnie Rust; Lord Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh; Sergeant
Jackrum.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Gahooligans

The typical Gahooligan is thick-skinned, as we know. Gahooligans
tend to be single-minded, and have the unusual quality of being
simultaneously passionate and phlegmatic (note: this does not
necessarily mean they have a tendency to runny noses); they make
good civil servants, teachers, priests and creative independent
entrepreneurs. A Gahooligan will hold to an argument, a
viewpoint, or a potential customer with indefatigable
enthusiasm. Gahoolie holds sway over the spleen, small intestine
and those small fiddly island-shaped bits on the pancreas, which
explains why Gahooligans are rarely addicted to sweets.

SOME FAMOUS GAHOOLIGANS: Reginald Shoe; Mustrum and
Hughnon Ridcully; C.M.O.T. Dibbler; Ronald Saveloy.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May - 21 Jun

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Twosies

The typical Twosie is self-indulgent but also has a strongly
developed pragmatic side; this tends to make for people who are
perpetually at war with their desires and cravings, though it has to
be said that sometimes that war is lost on one side or the other. The
Two Fat Cousins is the Sign of headmistresses, chefs, governesses,
minor government mandarins, and maiden aunts, and holds
sway over the corpus callosum, sacrum, stiff upper lip and, um,
reproductive organs. Twosies often act on their second thoughts,
but can be very decisive...eventually.

SOME FAMOUS TWOSIES: Mrs Rosie Palm; Susan Sto Helit; the UU
Chair of Indefinite Studies; Tiffany Aching; the Abbot of the History
Monks.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Staffies

The typical Staffie loves luxury and comfort, and is often far more
self-indulgent than a Twosie, lacking the same balance. Yet Staffies
can also be very practical -- even calculating, you might say. In
fact, if you encountered what we professional astrologer types call
an Alpha Staffie, you would certainly say so, especially if the Staffie
in question was a certain Lancrastian of the witchly persuasion.
Staffies also have a deep love of gossip and love to tell stories. The
Wizard's Staff and Knob holds sway over the mouth, tongue, eye
muscles and index finger, and is often the sign of journalists,
housekeepers and philosophers.

SOME FAMOUS STAFFIES: William de Worde; Gytha Ogg; Mrs
Whitlow; Mrs Marietta Cosmopilite; many senior wizards.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Bilians, Chunderers

The typical Bilian tends to be nervous, somewhat pessimistic, and
prone to digestive troubles. Bilians also often lack assertiveness
and self-confidence, though at the same time they can be very
forceful if pushed too far. If you meet a fretful, angst-ridden
person with well-bitten fingernails and a gaunt, watchful look,
chances are high that he or she is a Bilian (although in
Roundworld, chances are equally high that he or she is a Goth...).
Bilious holds sway over the stomach, liver and gall bladder, and
is the Sign of accountants, sales managers, science teachers and
hedge witches.

SOME FAMOUS BILIANS: Dr Dinwiddie, Bursar of UU; HRH Magrat
de Lancre; Agnes Nitt; C.W.St.J. (Nobby) Nobbs; Miss Perspicacia
Tick.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Mubboons

The typical Mubboon's most notable quality is that of steadfastness.
It's not so much that you can rely on a Mubboon to be trustworthy
as it is that you can trust a Mubboon to be utterly what he or she
seems to be! Mubboons can be concerned without being empathic,
and like to get out and meet people. Mubbo the Hyena holds sway
over the knees, nostrils and the hand that wields a sword or a
ploughshare (or dunging fork), and is the Sign of merchants,
innkeepers, care workers, actors, Fools - and barbarian heroes, a
job that encompasses many of the qualities of the other ones!

SOME FAMOUS MUBBOONS: Cohen the Barbarian; HRH Verence II
de Lancre; Fred Colon; Twoflower; Tomjon Vitoller.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Boring'uns

The typical Boring'un is a bit of a sad creature, poor thing:
extremely safety-conscious, often methodical, dislikes excessive
risk-taking, shall we say paranoid...the sort of person who, to put it
gently, doesn't get out enough in the fresh air and tends to hug the
wall at parties (a Boring'un would never be found in the kitchen --
there are far too many dangerous things there. Pineapples, for a
start!) For these reasons, people born under the Small Boring
Group of Faint Stars tend to be church deacons, proofreaders,
library assistants and researchers in safe subjects; paradoxically,
however, they also often tend to be magnets for distinctly unsafe
situations. The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars holds sway over
the adrenal glands, voluntary muscles, and heels -- a good thing
since Boring'uns so often have to take to theirs.

SOME FAMOUS BORING'UNS: Rincewind; Mort; Ponder Stibbons;
Constable Washpot Visit.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign:  Okjokers

The typical Okjoker loves familiar, comfortable surroundings, and
has a tendency to be casual to the point of, well, extreme
casualness. Another common trait among those born under this
Sign is a tendency to credulousness. To put it plainly, there's an
Okjoker born every minute (oh, all right, every minute from 24
October to 22 November). But there are also what we call Type 2
Okjokers, and these are people to beware because while they might
*seem* credulous types, underneath they're as sharp as tacks and
twice as likely to do you major damage if crossed! Okjok holds sway
over the teeth, chest and biceps, and is the Sign of -- unsurprisingly
-- salesmen, long distance haulers, mercenary soldiers and secret
royalty.

SOME FAMOUS OKJOKERS: Otto von Chriek; Mrs Vena McGarry; the
Dean of UU; Carrot Ironfoundersson.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign:  Footies or Footys

The typical Footy is an optimist, sometimes to the point of
foolishness, and tends to view the world through rose-tinted
spectacles. Footys enjoy travel and are often happy enough in their
own company to be considered "something of a loner." They are
also famously good with animals (sometimes they *are* animals).
Great T'Phon's Foot holds sway over the shoulders, neck and, erm,
bottom; typical Footy professions include sailors, explorers, animal
rescuers, engineers, and proctologists. For some reason, an
unusual numbers of Footys are born in Quirm. Go figure.

SOME FAMOUS FOOTIES: Her Grace Sybil, Duchess of Ankh; the Great
Gaspode; Leonard of Quirm; Ponce da Quirm; Seldom Bucket.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Hokians (sometimes
wrongly referred to as Hoki Cokeys)

The typical Hokian personality lends itself to brooders and deep
thinkers, who are magically adept and sometimes shy, though with
the right upbringing Hokians can be as arrogant as any Hogger
ever born. Hoki is considered a lucky sign; certainly, many born
under Hoki seem to rise to the top of their professions, often at the
point of a sword or wand. Hoki the Jokester holds sway over the
eyes, brain, navel and sixth sense, and is the traditional Sign of
highwaymen, Grand Viziers, systems administrators and extremely
powerful witches. You don't want to cross a Hokian, surely you don't.

SOME FAMOUS HOKIANS: Mrs Erzulie Gogol; Esmerelda Weatherwax;
Lily Weatherwax; Lord Havelock Vetinari; Lord Hong.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Gazundians, Potties

The typical Gazundian is a free spirit, unfettered by the binding
conventions of a repressive society. In fact, many Gazundians tend
to be unfettered by anything much, including clothing: the
Gazunda is the Sign of exotic dancers, naturists and others who
earn their living by removing clothing. Gazundians are often
iconoclasts in general, and sometimes loners (Footies and
Gazundians are the worst possible combination for lasting
romance). The Rather Large Gazunda holds sway over the lips,
abdominal muscles and pectorals, and is the traditional sign of
Seamstresses, subversives and female adventurers.

SOME FAMOUS GAZUNDIANS: Lu-Tze the Sweeper; Count Giamo
Casanunda; Conina; Angua von Uberwald.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Meese

The typical Moose is famously clever-fingered and artistic, with
keen eyesight and a good grasp of spatial perception. Those born
under the Sign of the Flying Moose tend to make good Cunning
Artisans, seamstresses (note the lack of capitalisation), weavers,
surgeons, thieves and counterfeiters; they often rise high in the
ranks of Royal craftsmen, though it has to be said that Meese also
make up a surprisingly large portion of the denizens of any
municipal dungeon or scorpion pit. The Flying Moose holds sway
over the heart, wrists and hindbrain, and is also a good sign for
minstrels and troubadours. But not mimes. Never mimes. Take my
word for this.

SOME FAMOUS MEESE: Rob Anybody Mac Feegle; Jason Ogg; B.S.
Johnson; Dr "Mossy" Lawn; most Igors.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

... and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

A SPECIAL MESSAGE TO ALL KFL MEMBERS ATTENDING THE WORLDCON

         from Anna M.C., Klatchian Foreign Legion Special Events Coordinator

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If any of you Legionnaires** plan to attend Noreascon on Thursday, September
2nd, this is your golden opportunity to help us present an unusual award to
Terry Pratchett.

On behalf of Joe Schaumburger and the KFL, and in the guise of Susan Death, I
will be naming our favorite author an honorary Commandant of the Klatchian
Foreign Legion in honor of his many years of meritorious civilian service.  This
will occur by means of a brief ceremonial presentation of a weird hat -- a
reproduction French Foreign Legion kepi with a goldtone KFL logo.  And, since
man does not live by hats alone, I'll probably throw in some homemade cookies
(courtesy of my husband, not me -- I can't cook worth squat).  Joining me as
co-presenter will be intrepid KFL-er Sheila, a.k.a. Nudger Malik, dead
Legionnaire.  Although the Worldcon's schedule is still in flux, this historic
event
will most likely take place at Terry Pratchett's Thursday evening signing
session.  Displaying his usual way with words, he has informed me that he "shall
look
forward to the event with keen trepidation!"

We'd love to have as many Legionnaires as possible contribute ideas and
participate in the ceremony.  The Noreascon SIG (Special Interest Group)
committee
has very kindly arranged meeting space for KFL members at 3pm on Thursday
afternoon in room Liberty C at the Sheraton, so we can get our act together in
advance.  Even if you can't attend the award ceremony, come to the meeting and
mingle with fellow fans.  As a break from our standard fare of All the Sand You
Can Eat, I might be persuaded to scrounge up some light refreshments (although
a menu of Klatchian hots, Klatchian sweets, and Klatchian coffee would be a
good way to ensure that none of us make it to the award presentation, due to
premature death).

So if this sounds like a good time to you, or if you have a clever idea or
anything else to contribute to the ceremony, please email me at
annamc@....  Although we're famed for forgetfulness, we'd love for the
KFL to make
this "Beau Jest" a ceremony to remember.  Let's justify that trepidation, shall
we?  ; )

See you at Noreascon,

Anna M.C.
Klatchian Foreign Legion Special Events Coordinator
Convention News Editor
Meet-Up Coordinator
And Any Other Random Titles or Honorifics Joe and I Can Possibly Dream Up to
Make Me Sound Much More Important Than I Really Am

** FYI -- anyone reading this is a Legionnaire by default.  You signed away
your life to the Klatchian Foreign Legion the instant you signed up for
WOSSNAME.  Bet you didn't read the fine print authored by our legion of
high-priced
vampire lawyers, did you?


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, IT APPEARS THAT PART "A" OF
THE JULY ISSUE WAS NOT TRANSMITTED TO EVERYONE.
Please let me know if you already got it, or if this is a new transmission.
We've been having a lot of serious weather in Florida lately, so
it may be that the electrical storms may have affected things.
Many thanks for checking.
Cordially,
Joe Schaumburger, editor, WOSSNAME
jschaum111@...
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2004 -- PART 2A OF 3 (continued)  REVISED
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REVISED PAGE -- PLEASE DISCARD PART 2. SORRY <):-)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) NESFA PUBLISHES NEW PRATCHETT BOOK
      AT NOREASCON

ONCE MORE * With Footnotes
by Terry Pratchett

Introduction by Esther Friesner

Cover by Omar Rayyan; dust jacket design by Omar & Sheila Rayyan
edited by Sheila Perry and Priscilla Olson
Hard cover ISBN: 1-886778-57-4, 288 pp., 5.5" x 8.5", To be released at
Noreascon 4, September 2004, $25.00.

Another new Pratchett book, "ONCE MORE * with
Footnotes," will be out this September, containing
scores of Terry's short stories and articles. Included are:

Alien Christmas (story),  And Mind the Monoliths (article),
Ankh-Morpork National Anthem. (The story, sort of),
The Big Store (article), The Choice Word (article),
Cult Classic (article), Death and What Comes Next (story),
Doctor Who? (article), Elves Were Bastards (article),
Faces of Fantasy / On Writing (article), Final Reward (story),
FTB (story), The Hades Business (story), High Tech, Why Tech?
(article), Hollywood Chickens (story),   Imaginary Worlds, Real
Stories (article), Incubust (story), Intro to: Brewer's Dictionary
Of Phrase And Fable [16th edition], Intro to: The Leaky
Establishment by David Langford,   Intro to: The Ultimate
Encyclopedia of Fantasy, Intro to: The Unseen University
Challenge,  Intro to: The Wyrdest Link, Let There be Dragons (article),
Magic Kingdoms (article), Medical Notes (story, sort of)
Neil Gaiman: Amazing Master Conjurer (article), No Worries (article),
Once and Future (story), The Orangutans are Dying (article),
Paperback Writer (article), Roots of Fantasy (article)
The Sea and Little Fishes (story), Secret Book of the Dead (poem),
Sheer Delight: Tribute to Bob Shaw (article), Theatre of Cruelty (story)
Thought Progress (article), Thud -- A Historical Perspective (story, sort of)
Troll Bridge (story), Turntables of the Night (story), Twenty Pence with
Envelope and Seasonal Greeting (story),
Whose Fantasy Are You? (article), A Word About Hats (article)

Omar Rayyan is a Massachusetts artist best known for his
illustrations of children's books and stories. His work regularly
appears in Cricket magazine. He has won awards from the World
Fantasy Convention ("Most Humorous") and the New England
Press Association (for editorial illustration). Rayyan's work delights
fans at many regional and national science fiction conventions.

Address questions about the book to sales@....
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) MAJOR TERRY INTERVIEW CONTAINS
       HINTS OF FORTHCOMING BOOKS
                     by Anna M. C.

One of the best aspects of my employment in a public library is
that, in the course of my sci-fi/fantasy collection development
duties, I actually get paid to read Locus magazine. Is this the
perfect job, or what?

Imagine my excitement when I discovered that the May 2004
issue of Locus featured an insightful, lengthy interview entitled
"Terry Pratchett:  21 Years of Discworld."   It's chock-full of
the Great One's candid, sometimes controversial, often funny,
and always intelligent (bordering on knurd) views on such
topics as the writing process; children's books; the evolution
of sci-fi; other prominent authors; fandom; and the future of
Discworld.

I highly recommend you drop everything else you're doing
(unless it's heavy, and your foot is directly underneath, or
you're holding a small child -- use your own judgment) and
read it ASAP.  Copies are available via direct order from
Locus (PO Box 13305, Oakland, CA  94661;
fax 510-339-8144), or your local library (don't forget the magic
of interlibrary loan).

In the interim, here are a few highlights to tantalize you,
first from the forthcoming Going Postal:

"The next adult Discworld book, Going Postal, will be
published close to the 21st anniversary of the first
Discworld book, so I have to make certain it's good! . . .
there seems to be an international habit of postmen,
when the stress gets too much, to stash undelivered mail
everywhere, like mad hamsters storing food . . .

"Going Postal involves a confidence trickster, a forger
and flimflam man, who's due to be hanged until Lord
Vetinari, in his beneficent wisdom, sends a stay of
execution with the offer:  'You can go back on the
scaffold or you can become Postmaster General.'
The guy says: 'But I'm a career criminal!  I deceive
people!  I take money from them!'  The reply?
'Welcome to government service.'  Sometimes,
maybe, a criminal is better at getting things to work.
And then he finds out how the last four postmasters died . . . ."

And another upcoming book, sort of an alternate history of Darwin:

"There is going to be a third Science of Discworld book, because
I got together with Jack Cohen and Ian Stewart and we were
speculating on what life would have been like if The Origin of
Species had never been written. . . . what if Darwin had written
a magnificent, sparkling work of what is effectively creationist
science rather than Origin, one that effectively became
acceptable to all sides in the debate?"

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way . . .

"I put 'sleepers' in various books, little hooks for future books.
Sitting there for years and years are the two powerful aristocratic
families in Ankh-Morpork, the Selachii and the Venturii -- loosely
translated, they are the Sharks and the Jets, which means I'm
setting them up for a Discworld version of Romeo and Juliet.
Most people could give you a thumbnail Romeo and Juliet plot
even if they don't really know their Shakespeare, simply because
there have been so many movies.  I think it was meant to be a
comedy; one day, I'll try it."

Dark Discworld:

"'Grim' is probably the wrong word for my last few adult books;
grim by comparison, I suppose, to get away from that 'wacky,
zany' label."

The Discworld fandom:  It's alive, it's alive!

"When one town in the UK took Ankh-Morpork as its
sister city a few years ago, the ceremony was astonishing:
there must have been at least 600 people in costume . . . .
I felt a bit like Baron Frankenstein -- you put the crocodile
clips to the bolt on the neck and pull the lever and it gets up
off the slab, and it's walking down to the village, and you've
got no idea where it's going to go or what you can do about it.
It was great fun."

Gaining respect from the literary establishment:

"One of the curious things I've found, which was particularly
noticeable after The Amazing Maurice, is that if you're known
as a fantasy writer, the literary people kind of edge around a
bit, but if you're writing for children:  'Ah, that's OK.  That
nice Professor Tolkien and that nice Mr Lewis did that.'"

On being a workaholic:

". . . this winter I had a bit of a health scare . . . . I took a
good look around and thought:  there's no actual rule that
says I have to do two books a year. . . . I think I'm going
to take more holidays.  The trouble is, last time I went on
holiday I wrote 25,000 words!"

(All quotes are copyright Locus magazine, May 2004 issue)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) PRATCHETT RECOVERS FROM HEART OPERATION

After reading reports from several different sources about Terry
having a serious heart operation, we contacted Colin Smythe to try to
find out what had happened.  Terry wrote back:

   "What I had was an angioplasty, where they widen arteries in the
   heart by going up through your leg (believe me).  No real
   cutting, no weeks in bed, it's an out-next-day-job.  I gather
   there was some 'excitement' because I reacted badly to something
   or other, but I was out of it and dreaming of sandwiches and,
   indeed, was out next day.

"I'm not making a big deal out of this one way or the other.  It
   wasn't an emergency operation, although it would have had to be
   done sooner or later; it was needed because of the long term
   effects of high blood pressure I didn't know I had, and which is
   now nice and low because they've got the pills right."

   -- Terry Pratchett.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
7) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE WEE FREE MEN
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
find out who is the Big Man of the Clan.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2002 HarperCollins edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The river monster (first name, 5th letter)
2. A Pictsie blabbermouth (first name, 1st letter)
3. Tiffany's little brother (first name, 6th letter)
4. Tiffany's cat (first name, 4th letter)
5. Sick old lady who died in the snow (last name, 9th letter)
6. The Baron's son (first name, 5th letter)
7. Granny Aching's maiden name  (first name, 2nd letter)
8. Little man who can say only his name but makes
     real words turn up in your head (name, 5th letter)
9. Daughter of the old Kelda (first name, 3rd letter)
10. Tiffany's witch teacher (first name, 3rd letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = The Big Man of the Clan
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: NIGHT WATCH
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. What the other Assassins called the young Vetinari.
       (name, 1st letter) DOG-BOTHERER = D
2. Dotsie and Sadie (title, 1st letter) AGONY AUNTS = A
3. The Pox Doctor (nickname, 2nd letter) MOSSY LAWN = O
4. Insane Patrician (last name, 6th letter) LORD WINDER = R
5. A foreign guy with a funny name who ran the shonky shop
     (middle name, 6th letter) SOON SHINE SUN = E
ERROR: should have been 5th letter
6. Head of the old Watch (last name, 6th letter)
     CAPTAIN TILDEN = N
7. Teacher of Sgt. Colon  (first name, 2nd letter)
     SGT. WINSBOROUGH KNOCK = I
8. Temporarily, senior officer in the field (last name, 1st letter)
     MAJ. CLIVE MOUNTJOY-STANDFAST = M
9. Head of the Unmentionables (first name, 6th letter)
     CAPT. FINDTHEE SWING = E
ERROR: should be 7th letter
10. Had L and R painted on his boots (last name, 4th letter)
     WALLY WIGLET = L
11. Eventually, Captain of the Palace Guard (last name, 1st letter)
     CARCER = C
12. Becomes the new Patrician after 4. above (last name, 3rd letter)
     LORD SNAPCASE = A
13. Trainer of young Sam Vimes (last name, 2nd letter)
     JOHN KEEL = E
14. Bobbi from Genua (first name, 1st letter)
     LADY ROBERTA MESEROLE = R
15. The cemetery's resident gravedigger (first name, 5th letter)
     LEGITIMATE FIRST = T

D_/A_/O_/R_/E_/N_/I_/M_/E_/L_/C_/A_/E_/R_/T_/ = Where the Glorious
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/14/15/      People's Republic was

TREACLE MINE ROAD

Help needed!  Would you like to help prevent errors in the
Puzzle?  Contact Joe Schaumburger at jschaum111@...
and be our new puzzle editor.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2A, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3
PLEASE DISCARD PART 2 WHICH WAS SENT IN ERROR


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This just popped up on my computer again with a note
saying it was never sent because it had never been approved.
Needless to say, it was approved.  Please let me know
if you ever got it.  Many thanks.
--Joe, being driven crazy by cybernetic foul-ups.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2004 -- PART 2A OF 3 (continued)  REVISED
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REVISED PAGE -- PLEASE DISCARD PART 2. SORRY <):-)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) NESFA PUBLISHES NEW PRATCHETT BOOK
      AT NOREASCON

ONCE MORE * With Footnotes
by Terry Pratchett

Introduction by Esther Friesner

Cover by Omar Rayyan; dust jacket design by Omar & Sheila Rayyan
edited by Sheila Perry and Priscilla Olson
Hard cover ISBN: 1-886778-57-4, 288 pp., 5.5" x 8.5", To be released at
Noreascon 4, September 2004, $25.00.

Another new Pratchett book, "ONCE MORE * with
Footnotes," will be out this September, containing
scores of Terry's short stories and articles. Included are:

Alien Christmas (story),  And Mind the Monoliths (article),
Ankh-Morpork National Anthem. (The story, sort of),
The Big Store (article), The Choice Word (article),
Cult Classic (article), Death and What Comes Next (story),
Doctor Who? (article), Elves Were Bastards (article),
Faces of Fantasy / On Writing (article), Final Reward (story),
FTB (story), The Hades Business (story), High Tech, Why Tech?
(article), Hollywood Chickens (story),   Imaginary Worlds, Real
Stories (article), Incubust (story), Intro to: Brewer's Dictionary
Of Phrase And Fable [16th edition], Intro to: The Leaky
Establishment by David Langford,   Intro to: The Ultimate
Encyclopedia of Fantasy, Intro to: The Unseen University
Challenge,  Intro to: The Wyrdest Link, Let There be Dragons (article),
Magic Kingdoms (article), Medical Notes (story, sort of)
Neil Gaiman: Amazing Master Conjurer (article), No Worries (article),
Once and Future (story), The Orangutans are Dying (article),
Paperback Writer (article), Roots of Fantasy (article)
The Sea and Little Fishes (story), Secret Book of the Dead (poem),
Sheer Delight: Tribute to Bob Shaw (article), Theatre of Cruelty (story)
Thought Progress (article), Thud -- A Historical Perspective (story, sort of)
Troll Bridge (story), Turntables of the Night (story), Twenty Pence with
Envelope and Seasonal Greeting (story),
Whose Fantasy Are You? (article), A Word About Hats (article)

Omar Rayyan is a Massachusetts artist best known for his
illustrations of children's books and stories. His work regularly
appears in Cricket magazine. He has won awards from the World
Fantasy Convention ("Most Humorous") and the New England
Press Association (for editorial illustration). Rayyan's work delights
fans at many regional and national science fiction conventions.

Address questions about the book to sales@....
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) MAJOR TERRY INTERVIEW CONTAINS
       HINTS OF FORTHCOMING BOOKS
                     by Anna M. C.

One of the best aspects of my employment in a public library is
that, in the course of my sci-fi/fantasy collection development
duties, I actually get paid to read Locus magazine. Is this the
perfect job, or what?

Imagine my excitement when I discovered that the May 2004
issue of Locus featured an insightful, lengthy interview entitled
"Terry Pratchett:  21 Years of Discworld."   It's chock-full of
the Great One's candid, sometimes controversial, often funny,
and always intelligent (bordering on knurd) views on such
topics as the writing process; children's books; the evolution
of sci-fi; other prominent authors; fandom; and the future of
Discworld.

I highly recommend you drop everything else you're doing
(unless it's heavy, and your foot is directly underneath, or
you're holding a small child -- use your own judgment) and
read it ASAP.  Copies are available via direct order from
Locus (PO Box 13305, Oakland, CA  94661;
fax 510-339-8144), or your local library (don't forget the magic
of interlibrary loan).

In the interim, here are a few highlights to tantalize you,
first from the forthcoming Going Postal:

"The next adult Discworld book, Going Postal, will be
published close to the 21st anniversary of the first
Discworld book, so I have to make certain it's good! . . .
there seems to be an international habit of postmen,
when the stress gets too much, to stash undelivered mail
everywhere, like mad hamsters storing food . . .

"Going Postal involves a confidence trickster, a forger
and flimflam man, who's due to be hanged until Lord
Vetinari, in his beneficent wisdom, sends a stay of
execution with the offer:  'You can go back on the
scaffold or you can become Postmaster General.'
The guy says: 'But I'm a career criminal!  I deceive
people!  I take money from them!'  The reply?
'Welcome to government service.'  Sometimes,
maybe, a criminal is better at getting things to work.
And then he finds out how the last four postmasters died . . . ."

And another upcoming book, sort of an alternate history of Darwin:

"There is going to be a third Science of Discworld book, because
I got together with Jack Cohen and Ian Stewart and we were
speculating on what life would have been like if The Origin of
Species had never been written. . . . what if Darwin had written
a magnificent, sparkling work of what is effectively creationist
science rather than Origin, one that effectively became
acceptable to all sides in the debate?"

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way . . .

"I put 'sleepers' in various books, little hooks for future books.
Sitting there for years and years are the two powerful aristocratic
families in Ankh-Morpork, the Selachii and the Venturii -- loosely
translated, they are the Sharks and the Jets, which means I'm
setting them up for a Discworld version of Romeo and Juliet.
Most people could give you a thumbnail Romeo and Juliet plot
even if they don't really know their Shakespeare, simply because
there have been so many movies.  I think it was meant to be a
comedy; one day, I'll try it."

Dark Discworld:

"'Grim' is probably the wrong word for my last few adult books;
grim by comparison, I suppose, to get away from that 'wacky,
zany' label."

The Discworld fandom:  It's alive, it's alive!

"When one town in the UK took Ankh-Morpork as its
sister city a few years ago, the ceremony was astonishing:
there must have been at least 600 people in costume . . . .
I felt a bit like Baron Frankenstein -- you put the crocodile
clips to the bolt on the neck and pull the lever and it gets up
off the slab, and it's walking down to the village, and you've
got no idea where it's going to go or what you can do about it.
It was great fun."

Gaining respect from the literary establishment:

"One of the curious things I've found, which was particularly
noticeable after The Amazing Maurice, is that if you're known
as a fantasy writer, the literary people kind of edge around a
bit, but if you're writing for children:  'Ah, that's OK.  That
nice Professor Tolkien and that nice Mr Lewis did that.'"

On being a workaholic:

". . . this winter I had a bit of a health scare . . . . I took a
good look around and thought:  there's no actual rule that
says I have to do two books a year. . . . I think I'm going
to take more holidays.  The trouble is, last time I went on
holiday I wrote 25,000 words!"

(All quotes are copyright Locus magazine, May 2004 issue)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) PRATCHETT RECOVERS FROM HEART OPERATION

After reading reports from several different sources about Terry
having a serious heart operation, we contacted Colin Smythe to try to
find out what had happened.  Terry wrote back:

   "What I had was an angioplasty, where they widen arteries in the
   heart by going up through your leg (believe me).  No real
   cutting, no weeks in bed, it's an out-next-day-job.  I gather
   there was some 'excitement' because I reacted badly to something
   or other, but I was out of it and dreaming of sandwiches and,
   indeed, was out next day.

"I'm not making a big deal out of this one way or the other.  It
   wasn't an emergency operation, although it would have had to be
   done sooner or later; it was needed because of the long term
   effects of high blood pressure I didn't know I had, and which is
   now nice and low because they've got the pills right."

   -- Terry Pratchett.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
7) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE WEE FREE MEN
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
find out who is the Big Man of the Clan.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2002 HarperCollins edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The river monster (first name, 5th letter)
2. A Pictsie blabbermouth (first name, 1st letter)
3. Tiffany's little brother (first name, 6th letter)
4. Tiffany's cat (first name, 4th letter)
5. Sick old lady who died in the snow (last name, 9th letter)
6. The Baron's son (first name, 5th letter)
7. Granny Aching's maiden name  (first name, 2nd letter)
8. Little man who can say only his name but makes
     real words turn up in your head (name, 5th letter)
9. Daughter of the old Kelda (first name, 3rd letter)
10. Tiffany's witch teacher (first name, 3rd letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = The Big Man of the Clan
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: NIGHT WATCH
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. What the other Assassins called the young Vetinari.
       (name, 1st letter) DOG-BOTHERER = D
2. Dotsie and Sadie (title, 1st letter) AGONY AUNTS = A
3. The Pox Doctor (nickname, 2nd letter) MOSSY LAWN = O
4. Insane Patrician (last name, 6th letter) LORD WINDER = R
5. A foreign guy with a funny name who ran the shonky shop
     (middle name, 6th letter) SOON SHINE SUN = E
ERROR: should have been 5th letter
6. Head of the old Watch (last name, 6th letter)
     CAPTAIN TILDEN = N
7. Teacher of Sgt. Colon  (first name, 2nd letter)
     SGT. WINSBOROUGH KNOCK = I
8. Temporarily, senior officer in the field (last name, 1st letter)
     MAJ. CLIVE MOUNTJOY-STANDFAST = M
9. Head of the Unmentionables (first name, 6th letter)
     CAPT. FINDTHEE SWING = E
ERROR: should be 7th letter
10. Had L and R painted on his boots (last name, 4th letter)
     WALLY WIGLET = L
11. Eventually, Captain of the Palace Guard (last name, 1st letter)
     CARCER = C
12. Becomes the new Patrician after 4. above (last name, 3rd letter)
     LORD SNAPCASE = A
13. Trainer of young Sam Vimes (last name, 2nd letter)
     JOHN KEEL = E
14. Bobbi from Genua (first name, 1st letter)
     LADY ROBERTA MESEROLE = R
15. The cemetery's resident gravedigger (first name, 5th letter)
     LEGITIMATE FIRST = T

D_/A_/O_/R_/E_/N_/I_/M_/E_/L_/C_/A_/E_/R_/T_/ = Where the Glorious
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/12/13/14/15/      People's Republic was

TREACLE MINE ROAD

Help needed!  Would you like to help prevent errors in the
Puzzle?  Contact Joe Schaumburger at jschaum111@...
and be our new puzzle editor.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2A, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3
PLEASE DISCARD PART 2 WHICH WAS SENT IN ERROR


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hallo,

I'm writing to you because you expressed an interest in the upcoming
KFL meetup and Terry Pratchett award presentation at Noreascon in
Boston.

There have been two big changes:  the meetup will be at 5pm, and the
award presentation will be after the 7pm Terry on Trial event.

When Noreascon's final schedule was released this week, I realized
that our KFL meetup would be at the same time as one of Terry
Pratchett's panels.  I hate to cancel, since I know the Noreascon
scheduling folks went out of their way to provide us with meeting
space on Thursday as requested.

However, I somehow doubt that, given a choice between eating
cheap potato chips while chatting with fans, and hearing Terry speak
about elf glamour in person, anybody's going to say "The hell with
Terry!  I want potato chips!"  I know I'd opt for the Terry panel --
even if there were *quality* potato chips involved.  As a result, I'm
rescheduling the Thursday KFL gathering to a 5pm dinner meeting.

We'll go ahead and gather outside Liberty C in the Sheraton, our
original scheduled meeting spot, and figure out a nearby location to
eat.   The 5pm time doesn't conflict with any known Terry activities,
and will serve the additional purpose of obtaining better nourishment
than cheap potato chips.

The first 10 folks to show up will receive a KFL button bearing the
Obliviscor logo and the inspirational motto, "Join the Klatchian
Foreign Legion, meet interesting people, and get killed by them."
You will also have the chance to offer input into that night's
award presentation -- which brings me to change number two.

The award presentation was originally supposed to kick off Terry's
signing that night, but that signing had to be cancelled, I think due
to schedule conflicts.  However, Noreascon administration has very
kindly agreed to allow us to do our thing immediately after the end
of the 7pm Terry on Trial event.  This will probably work out even
better than the signing, so all's well that ends well.  It should
only take about three and a half minutes, so be sure to devote the
time to watching Shelia and me make complete and utter fools of
ourselves in front of Terry Pratchett -- and maybe help with the
foolishness.

If you would like to see a copy of the planned award script and offer
any input or editing suggestions ahead of time (keeping in mind we're
doing our best to keep this short and sweet, and keeping in mind that
neither Sheila nor I can act our way out of a paper bag), please
email me at annamc@....

We owe a big thanks to the Noreascon committee, particularly Mary Kay
Kare and Priscilla Olson, for helping us make this a reality.  I hope
we'll see all of you at the dinner meeting and the award presentation.

Thanks,

Anna M.C.
KFL Special Events Uncoordinated Coordinator for Noreascon

WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2004 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
8)  THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
               by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hello my cosmological possums, it's time for another month's horoscope. This
month I have managed to acquire, at great expense and difficulty, a genuine
Ankh-Morpork crystal ball that fell through a wormhole in L-space!  With this
marvelous prognostication aid, I can truly see into the future and tell you
what your life is going to be like. Isn't modern thaumology wonderful?

-- Lady Anemia Asterisk

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

The morning sun will wake you gently, but you'll shout at it anyway, just so
it knows its place. Then you'll shout at the fawning servant who brings you
your morning tea (even, or perhaps especially, if said fawning servant
happens to be your spouse). After a suitably pacified breakfast, you will
proceed to your place of "work", where naturally you are either the CEO or at
least the head of your department, and bully your underlings. A helpful
assistant will draw your attention to a potentially serious problem; pay no
attention to him. After a corporate power lunch of blowfish squishi, you will
attend a meeting. Or possibly not, since you will be waylaid by a cadre of
angry, fed-up subordinates wielding pitchforks; this is the sort of thing
that
happens to a typical arrogant Hogger. Be sure to run, or there will be no
point in getting out of bed tomorrow. Sometimes shouting just isn't enough.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips  21 Apr - 21 May

Business is going to be good this month! Today is a good, nay, a wonderful
day
to set up your wares just off Sator Square, slightly out of the main drag so
the Watch won't take *too* much notice of you.  I'd tell you that the arcane
art of shung fooey indicates that you should place your stall in a Turnwise
direction to placate the earth-dragon, but the truth is that this is the best
display angle to catch the attention of the wagonload of Quirm Ladies'
Auxiliary daytrippers coming later this morning. Remember to eat an
energy-filled breakfast, since you'll be chasing several shoplifters today.
Also, the senior UU staff will be passing through the area between lunch and
tiffin, so it's a good idea to hide those fake knobbed staffs that have been
such a good seller recently. It pays to be vigilant.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Two Fat Cousins  22 May - 21 Jun

What a fine day for explorations and experiments! Get out there and make the
most of the lovely weather. Just take care to do it in your own body, astral
projection is right out this month. You're going to meet a lot of sheep, so
take a soft cloth for wiping off the lanolin. It's also time to make a small
pilgrimage to bury some tobacco up on the moorlands, you know the place and
the brand. And remember, it never hurts to carry a medium-sized frying pan,
since certain, erm, troubles can tend to recur. Today a former adversary will
bring you a basket of eldritch-shaped biscuits; be nice to her, but don't
teach her any of your special tricks. Today will be an interesting day
altogether, can you say - and spell - "susurrus"? (a note for Susan: you will
meet a tall dark stranger. Don't forget to thank him for the woolly scarf he
gave you at the last family get-together).

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

Tomorrow the Queen will ask you to tea. You could at least try to look
honoured, and don't badger her to toast the marshmallows for you herself.
Also, remember your place: Pewsey is *not* a suitable playmate to bring along
for a young Princess. A barrel of vintage scumble (yes, the one from three
weeks ago) will explode next Wednesday, so be sure the roof thatch is well
watered and that there will be at least one extra daughter-in-law on hand for
the clean-up. Drop down to the smithy and ask Jason to make you a new pair of
toenail pliers before your next bath - the ricochets are getting dangerous.
You might want to lay in a stock of dwarf bread, since a certain amorous
personage of inconsiderable altitude will be passing your way at the end of
the week, and uncork that old bottle of Genuan perfume to let it breathe for
a
few days. Or just douse yourself in scumble, the effect is pretty much the
same.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bilious, God of Hangovers   23 Jul - 23 Aug

As soon as you wake up tomorrow morning, get dressed and go directly to the
nearest apothecary shop. Once there, stock up copiously on emetics,
anti-emetics, stomach soothers, gas dispersers, headache powders, nerve
tonics, muscle tonics, eye drops, nose drops, sudden-blood-pressure-drop
drops, every available medication to combat Klatchian Two-Step, rehydration
powders, salt tablets, mood elevators, and a supply of clean cotton towels.
Now you can go home and safely open the letter that will have landed on your
doorstep: an invitation to the Reannual Growers' Wasters 'n' Tasters Ball. Be
sure to have your medicines at the ready because the very opening of the
envelope will set in motion a time-train culminating momentarily in - well,
we
all know about reannuals. In fact, you'd best be sitting down on the gazunda.
Better safe than sorry!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Mubbo the Hyena  24 Aug - 23 Sept

Life in the Watch can be boring and repetitive, but it can also sometimes be
dangerous and exciting (if your idea of "exciting" is being chased by a
flame-breathing Draco Nobilis, or a man with a gonne, or an insane
power-crazed mutant Golem), and tomorrow may well be one of those latter
times. Yes, the Koom Valley Commemorative  Battle Games are on again this
year, bigger and better than ever (if your idea of "better" is more clubs,
more axes, more skull-bashing violence than ever seen in Morporkian
peacetime).
Make sure there's extra padding in your helmet and make *very* sure to wear
your Protective. But don't polish your breastplate - that only makes you a
better target. Also, take along your copy of the Dwarf-Morporkian and
Troll-Morporkian phrasebooks. A Dwarf-Troll phrasebook would be handy, but
the
troll translators have only made it as far as Aarghhh.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

You forgot, didn't you? Yes, you did, you forgot to feed Hex's mouse again.
So
don't look so surprised when you get to the HEM Building tomorrow and
discover
that that delicate calculation you left running overnight has not only caused
Hex to overheat and spew charred paper and roasted ants all over the room,
but
there's also a multidimensional vortex open in the tearoom and it's in the
process of eating the walls and furniture *and* the vats of trifle Mrs
Scorbic
prepared for the midafternoon Faculty snack. Dearie me, when you make a
Situation you don't do it by halves, do you? Tomorrow is a good day for
travel, particularly around 11 a.m. when the Archchancellor hears about your
little oversight. I suggest you drop round to your slightly psychic elderly
auntie's house for the day, as she'll already have a meal prepared for you.
And do feed the mouse next time.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okjok, the Salesman  24 Oct - 22 Nov

So you're feeling those unsettling pangs of existential angst lately? It
might
be your job getting to you. Life just isn't what it used to be. Back in the
good old days, all you had to worry about was some enterprising younger
colleague usurping your position - granted, the usurping generally involved
horrible flaming death aimed at you while you were sleeping, but that went
with the territory; nowadays there's a certain amount of job security, but it
seems you can't turn around without encountering strange disturbances in the
very fabric of reality before breakfast. Well, fear not. I am here to assure
you that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen this
month!
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars is on the cusp of Okjok, and that means
a month of blessed peace and calm. So go celebrate with a couple of extra
helpings of trifle...oh, um, maybe not.

p.s. go easy on that nice boy at the HEM Department, he means well.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Great T'Phon's Foot  23 Nov - 21 Dec

Have you hugged your dragons lately? I know, the pressures and duties of new
motherhood can be time-consuming, but let's not forget where the true centre
of your affections lies! You'll be receiving an albatross post on the 9th
from
XXXX, telling you of a limited sale of new stock from the rare
Worralorrasurfa
saltwater dragon breeding lines; don't forget to place an order by return
post. On Wednesday you'll have to have your man fish a pair of Assassins out
of the ornamental pond again, so tell Cook to bake a few extra rounds of
scones (it's been ever so quiet on that front lately, hasn't it? Sometimes
it's nice to know that one's husband is less popular in some quarters).
Speaking of your dear husband, dear old Ronnie will irritate him more than
usual when you have him round to dinner next week, so make sure to keep the
fireplace pokers well away from the table. Prognostication is such a useful
thing when it comes to greasing the wheels of social intercourse.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

I have some utterly wonderful news for you: this month, at long last, the
stars are aligned properly for you to stand a chance at breaking out of your
silvered prison! Yes, the real world beckons. But *which* real world? How
many
are there? Is there one where your sister isn't waiting to thrash your behind
again like she did the last time? I see you'll be standing in front of your
mirror-pane on the 21st, marshaling your powers, concentrating your endless,
arrogant fury, and then, in one sparkling octarine-tinged moment, you
will...erm, you will discover that the only way your kharmic aura can
counteract the prisoning spell is if you truly and honestly renounce all
desire to interfere in the lives of others and lose your urge to interfere in
narrative causality...no, I didn't think so. Oh well, enjoy your stay.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

Two days from now, you will be hiding at the side of the Great Ankh Road when
a heavily-laden posh coach comes by, and your cries of Stand and Deliver will
cause a beautiful woman to swoon into your arms. Next Monday, you will be
celebrating your haul in a Quirmian tavern when a bevy of beautiful women
throw themselves at your feet. Next Tuesday, you will discover endless
streets
full of beautiful women, all admiring you. On Thursday, you will go for a
long-overdue optician's appointment and be given a badly-needed pair of
corrective spectacles. Five minutes after leaving the optician's shop, you
will throw away your new glasses in horror and return to a life filled with
beautiful women throwing themselves at you. The truth may set men free, but
it
has nothing on a shortsighted squint and a well-polished stepladder.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Flying Moose   19 Feb - 20 Mar

In exactly two weeks' time, your life is going to take a new, exciting and
satisfying turn. No more sneaking around practising in your Uncle Igor's
surgery during the empty daylight hours! No more pretending that fetching new
pair of blue eyes was the work of your Cousin Igor! No more laughter and
why-bother lectures from Grandpapa Igor when you show off your latest piece
of
needlework! Yes, that's right, the Lady Sybil Hospital is about to move out
of
the Century of the Fruitbat and become an equal opportunity employer. So book
your passage now to Ankh-Morpork, pack up your forceps in your old kit bag,
and kithth your parenth and your Marthter goodbye, because you're heading off
to a new career in the big bad city. And just think, after a few years'
residency, you'll have enough reputation and money to open that Suture Self
plastic surgery clinic in Bonk. Live the dream, Igorina. Live the dream.

*************************************************************
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

... and there you have it.  Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you have any questions and we will
forward them directly to Miss Asterisk.

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If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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Copyright (c) 2004 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


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WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2004 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
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ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) APOLOGY

Sorry this is a bit late, but I was waiting for some last minute
news items most of which, of course, never came in.

I figured I had better send this out now, as Hurricane Frances
is supposedly heading right for Miami and it is hard to use
your computer if there is no power and no telephone lines
operating. [1]

Hopefully, I will be with you again next month.

-- Joe, looking around for his hurricane shutters

[1] Unless, of course, this is just a scam by the hardware
stores and supermarkets to sell a lot of plywood, bottled
water and canned food. On the other hand, last time the
power was out, it was for 17 days. <):-)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) KFL MEETINGS AROUND THE WORLD

THE MINI MEL-MEET, A.K.A AS THE JEHANE MEET, AUSTRALIA

by Drusilla D'Afanguin

When: 6-8 August 2004
Where: South Bank, Melbourne; the Fortress of Avoiding the Neighbours
Who/What: Jehane, SuperDan, Bek, Matt, Dru, SteVen, Paulwolf, Mad
Meg Mogg, and special guest Jeff

And there came unto Mel's Bourne of a Friday evening the great scribe
SuperDan, who had laid aside his mighty Pen for the weekend and quite
forgot his flaming Sword as well. Then did SuperDan flop upon the
dreaded Comfy Settee of the Fortress and declare, I Have Just Driven
From Adelaide In Record Time And Am Well Shattered. And SuperDan
did rest, and play with a small Being of the race called Cat, and in the
fullness of time SteVen returned from the travails of herring hunting
and there was Dinner. And lo, the Dinner was pleasing. And SuperDan
did say, This Mash Pleaseth Me Mightily, What Did You Put In It? And
Dru spake, That Would Be Telling, Shut Up And Eat. And the assembled
host did Shut Up And Eat.

And then there was Elderberry Port. A Lot of Elderberry Port. Quite a
Lot of Elderberry Port, actually. And SuperDan did sink unto the floor
amid the wailings and gnashings of Weird Al Yankovic, and spake unto
SteVen, saying, Another One? Dont Mind If I Do, Thanks Mate.

And in the fullness of the morning was the Hangover. But we shall
discuss it not.

And Jehane the Weather Goddess looked upon the parched Southern
lands and found them wanting. So did Jehane say, Let There Be Wet.
And lo, there came upon the parched Southern lands the sort of annoying
rain that raineth upon the grumpy and generally umbrella-less folk
of Mel's Bourne. And Jehane looked upon the Wet and found it good.
And the folk of Mel's Bourne looked upon the Wet and said, Buggre
Thys For A Game Of Soldiers, We're Not Waiting Outside At Ye Tram
Stoppe Even For A Flaming Weather Goddess, and they entered unto
the welcoming land of Crown, even unto the province of Automatic
Cafe, where much celebration and wondrous Food did await, except
for the Omelette of Bek which was rather burnt and had to be sent
unto the Wastelands.

And in this province of Automatic Cafe dwelt a Strumpet, she who
served at Table. And this Strumpet, a young maiden of not too many
years and rather comely appearance, did brazenly besport herself in
revealing garments to the delight of the Men of Bugarup University, and
possibly to the delight of some of the Women as well. But some took
exception to the garb of the Strumpet, and did declare, She Ought To
Put Some Bloody Clothes On When She's Serving Food.

And there was among the host much Discussion, including mentions of
a certain behatted Scribe from the land of Britain, and no, it was not
sodding J.K. Rowling either. And the worshippers of the Lord Vetinari
did say their piece about his miraculous and fascinating evolution in
the course of the Scrolls of Discworld.

And Jehane, well pleased and filled with Food, did cause the Wet to
abate so that her worshippers could perform the Taking of the Iconographs.
And Jehane looked upon the afternoon and found it good. And Jehane
departed unto other Places in need of her goddessly ministrations. Then
did the other folk of Bugarup University go Walkabout, and formed
Factions that did partake of separate Moving Pictures in the centre of
Mel's Bourne.

And upon the dawning of the next day, SuperDan did return to the Fortress
for the taking of Tea, and he did graciously take an Iconograph of Dru's
Sparkly Tartan Socks. Then did SuperDan and his Hangover return to the
land of Adelaide.

And a good time was had by all. And the folk of Bugarup University did
say, That Was Fnu, Let Us Do It Again Some Time.

THE MELMEET -- SOME OTHER POINTS OF VIEW

Steven D'Aprano wrote: (with commentary by Dru)
>
> So of course we had to organise a MelMeet.
>
<snip>
>
> We shared a plate of dips with Turkish bread, which was delicious if
> salty. One of the dips had a very unfortunate resemblence to Pal dog
> food, but it tasted delicious.

Ah, that would be the reddish substance that tasted like dog food when
I tried it...

> We drove Dru away with talk about computer games, chatted about
> hand-held computers, and then discussed Discworld books. The
> conversation also touched on the question of whether or not skin-tight
> low-hung jeans and midriff-exposing tops were appropriate attire for
> waitresses. Bek's husband Jeff and I agreed it seemed perfectly
> acceptable to us. Dan, Matt and Paul took the coward's way out and
> refused to comment.

Not quite. As I understood it, Bek's objection was the same as mine -
I didn't want the navel-sweat of an undeniably-attractive-but-not-to-
me-as-it-happened stranger that close to my food!
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
6) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Well. we only have one letter this month, but it's a good one:

To the Editor:

In regard to the headline on your recent  bulletin,
"Be There or Be Square," surely that subject should
be "Be there or be a Rectangular Thynge!"  Or, if
employing Carrot punctuation, "Be, there or be a
Rectangular, Thynge!"

-- Lady Anemia Asterisk
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
7) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: MONSTROUS REGIMENT
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.  Read the letters backwards and
find out where all the action takes place.
(Note: all spellings are from the 2003 HarperCollins edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The Little Mother (first name, 1st letter)

2. Wazzer Goom's real name (first name, 3rd letter)

3. Polly's drunkard cousin (first name, 1st letter)

4. Carborundum's real name (first name, 2nd letter)

5. General Froc's real name (first name, 5th letter)

6. Tonker Halter's real name (first name, 3rd letter)

7. Officer in command of the Ins-and-Outs (last name, 3rd letter)

8. Sergeant of the Ins-and-Outs  (last name, 5th letter)

9. A kitchen maid who sent many a lad on his way rejoicing
     (first name, 2nd letter)
10. Shufti Manickle's real name (first name, 1st letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Where it all happens
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE WEE FREE MEN
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. The river monster (first name, 5th letter)
        JENNY GREEN-TEETH = Y
2. A Pictsie blabbermouth (first name, 1st letter)
        DAFT WULLIE = D
3. Tiffany's little brother (first name, 6th letter)
        WENTWORTH = O
4. Tiffany's cat (first name, 4th letter)
        RATBAG = B
5. Sick old lady who died in the snow (last name, 9th letter)
        MRS. SNAPPERLY  = Y
6. The Baron's son (first name, 5th letter)
        ROLAND = N
7. Granny Aching's maiden name  (first name, 2nd letter)
         SARAH GRIZELL = A
8. Little man who can say only his name but makes
     real words turn up in your head (name, 5th letter)
        SNEEBS = B
9. Daughter of the old Kelda (first name, 3rd letter)
        FION = O
10. Tiffany's witch teacher (first name, 3rd letter)
        PERSPICACIA  TICK = R


Y_/D_/O_/B_/Y_/N_/A_/B_/O_/R_/ = The Big Man of the Clan
1*/ 2*/ 3*/ 4*/ 5*/ 6*/ 7*/ 8*/ 9*/ 10/

PUZZLE LOVERS!  Send us your ideas for new and different
kinds of puzzles, for as you can see, the current series is
approaching its end.  E-mail Joe Schaumburger at jschaum111@...
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3


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