WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2002 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
DISCWORLD POETS STRIKE AGAIN!
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE HOGSWATCH

'Twas the night before Hogswatch, and all through BU
Not a being was stirring, not ConMan or Dru.

The stockings were hung up -- the Dean's was four feet,
In the hopes that the Hogfather'd bring lots of meat.

The students were rested all snug in their beds,
While visions of Hex upgrades danced in their heads.

Libwolf had escaped from Steven's latest trap,
And all of the staff had a post-banquet nap.

When out in the night there arose such a noise,
But it was just Steven and Dru and their toys.

Somewhere on the grounds there was such a great crash,
That all of BU came awake in a flash.
Although there was no trace of snow on the ground,
There clearly was heard a sleigh bell-like sound.

When what past my wondering eyes should then soar
But a sleigh drawn by six metric tonnes of prime boar
Whose pillow-stuffed driver (plus dyspeptic elf)
Could be no-one but the Hogfather himself!

More rapid than Rincewind retreating they came
A-grunting in time as he called them by name

NOW, GOUGER, NOW, SNOUTER, NOW, TUSKER, PULL HARD.
NOW, ROOTER, DASH FASTER, THOU SLACK TUB OF LARD!
WE NEED TO GET MOVING ALONG ON OUR COURSE,
OR I'LL SERVE YOU WITH CRACKLING AND HOT APPLE SAUCE!

Like Arabel's corsets, when uséd as slings [1]
His words of encouragement gave their feet wings
So up to the rooftop his coursers did rise
With a sleigh full of snags, smoked hams, chops and pork pies.

And then in a twinkling, I heard the hot hiss
Of Gouger and harness-mates taking a piss
As we dove 'neath our beds with a chorus of moans
Down the chimney the Hogfather came, rattling bones!

Though dressed in bright colours, his robes were a mess
And 'neath them were strong hints of skellington-ness
A lumpy old bag he had slung o'er his shoulder,
He looked quite like Dibbler, though quite a bit...older...

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His broad grin -- how merry!
(Meanwhile, Albert-elf made a dive for the sherry)
His skull it shone bright in the gleam of the fire
And the beard on his chin was held on with cheap wire.

The stump of a pipe he held clenched in his mouth --
"No smoking in here!" shouted Cat. "Put that out!!!"
His HO HO was dreadful, as false as his belly
And eww! Had he ever had elves quite *that* smelly?

His other companion -- a skeletal rat -
Was disguised an angel (not a good one, at that).
The fact that he didn't have eyes in his head,
Made me wonder if he was Death - or at least dead.

Together they ate up the turnips and cheese,
With never so much as a "thank you" or "please."
They filled up the stockings, and under the tree
Put even more gifts. Then to the chimney,

And up it they flew, and into the sleigh,
Like kzak through a nanny[2], so swiftly went they.
But I heard him exclaim, as I watched the sleigh go:
HAPPY HOGSWATCH, AND ... WHAT? OH YES - HO, HO, HO.

[1] Note the painfully clever use of poetically accented pronunciation :D [3]
[2] See Mort.
[3] Unless, of course, you have the *wrong* sort of computer

-- ConMan (and Dru, neither of us stirring)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) LIMERICKS THAT HAVE ROCKS IN THEM

>EDITORIAL NOTE:
>
>When I asked for limericks for WOSSNAME,
>I did not mean stuff like the Nantucket one,
>or about hermits named Dave, all of which have
>been ceremonially burned.
>
>How about some amusing on-topic DW ones, of
>a pure and spiritual nature, of course?  (Mass
>exodus of the impure takes place....)

Erm, *how* pure? You mean, like,

For the Queen of the Beggars (one Molly)
B.S. Johnson created a folly
She wanted it small
But he built it so tall
It was seen from Al-Khali, by golly!

-- Dru

"It's Borrowing time," Granny said
Then stayed cold and stiff in her bed
They were laying her out
When there came a great shout:
"Oi! Now bugger off, I aten't dead!"

-- Dru

Havelock Vetinari, Patrician
Keeps Ankh in a decent condition
He'll tolerate crimes
But watch out, would-be mimes:
He's a man on a scorpion mission!

-- Dru


Hmm. How about these?

There once was a guy named Stu,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

-- Loopy

There once was a guy named Donne.

-- Loopy

There's also apparently one by a guy
named "Nero" in the same series. If
anyone finds it, I know a bunch of people
who are interested...

-- Loopy

Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhh!!!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7)  NEWBIE SEEKS ADVICE

To the Editor:

Hello.  I hope you can answer my question.  I read an article about the
Discworld series and I think my husband would like to read it.  I can't
figure out however, what the first book in the series is.... I assume
they should be read in order.... Please advise if possible.
Thank you

Julie Zielke
juliette@...

Ed: Would anyone like to help this newbie?
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

WHOSE SAFE DO YOU HAVE?

To the Editor:

> Cat then Dru then Cat again and now finally me:
>
> >>>- Your deepest darkest secret, so we can spread it around.

<snip>

> I'll give you a whole slew of them. I can't tie my shoes. I can't whistle.

I can't whistle either.

> I can't cross my eyes.

Neither

<snip a whole lot of secrets that aren't that bad really>

Don't worry. Their safe with us.

<Cat whispers conspiratorially in a loud voice to Joe "put it in the next
WOSSNAME!">

-- Cat

Ed: Me? Never!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
December 2002 (Volume 5, Issue 12)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups.  Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
in your name and e-mail address.  Are there any dues?  No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
     Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2002 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) EDITORIAL MUSINGS
2) NOT REALLY A MEET REPORT,
     BUT IT HAS BEEN A SLOW MONTH
3) ANOTHER REVIEW OF NIGHT WATCH
4) HOW I DISCOVERED DISCWORLD

====Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DISCWORLD POETS STRIKE AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5) 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE HOGSWATCH
6) LIMERICKS THAT HAVE ROCKS IN THEM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KFL LETTERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7) NEWBIE SEEKS ADVICE
8) WHOSE SAFE DO YOU HAVE?

====Part 3

9)  YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE
10) PUZZLE: MOVING PICTURES
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) EDITORIAL MUSINGS

Well, I've just emerged from the madness of the holiday
season, where I was decorating trees, decorating walls,
decorating front doors (OK, so it was just a cardboard
picture of a Christmas tree -- but it's the spirit that counts),
and of course setting up the meal -- the traditional
vegetarian lasagna.

I had some vague hopes of getting out WOSSNAME by the
end of the month, but it was not to be.  But, hey, we have
all of January....

Those who heeded my call to write e-mails describing your holiday
activities, meets, chats, TV shows, movies, whatever -- even
poetry, limericks, and articles on how you discovered Discworld
will be delighted or maybe horrified to find them all here.

Best belated wishes to all for a Hilarious Hogswatch,
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kool Kwanza, or
whatever festivities you celebrated -- and may all the gods
of Discworld beam benevolently on your activities and keep
the droppings of their flying beasts (if any) off your rooftop,
unless you want to have some, of course.

Joe, in a joyous post-Holiday Mood !!!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) NOT REALLY A MEET REPORT,
BUT IT HAS BEEN A SLOW MONTH

"I'LL BE HOME FOR HOGSWATCH"

The silence.

The lonely, echoing halls of Bugarup University, lately reverberating with
drunken belches, chocolate-flavoured lip-smacking, the clatter of dropped
staffs, the thuds of dropping faculty, the screams of newbies, the whoosh of
firehoses, the sizzle of fireballs, the hum and kerranggggg of exploding
robots, the cultured tones of healthy, scholastically-sober, I'll-kill-you-
if-you-don't-concede-my-pedantic-point debates...

Yes, it's Hogswatch season again.

The Ecksian carolers are nearly out of voice, it being the 24th of December
on our side of the dateline, and thinking of trudging home to sip their
scumble and eat their toasted figgins and settle down to await the crunch
of trotters on the rooftops [1]. In far Merkia, Joe has locked up the
Underwater Campus in preparation for some unspeakable revelries sure
to include tentacles, Laurel is decking her halls with holly, Holly is
decking *her* halls with firehoses and - having migrated to sunnier climes
at last - privately decking herself with the kind of Sunny California
clothing that, were the males of BU to see it, would necessitate her taking
the firehoses back off the walls, and the Cap'n is wondering why all his
stuff is locked in his room and a note is on his door reading, "Hahaha, all
you newbies, you can't have your robes back until the FoT reopens next
year, signed Libwolf". [2]

All the Ecksians are hanging up their kangaroos [3] above their imitation
fireplaces and wondering what snow is. All the Brits are putting on
several pairs of stockings and wondering what the Spring floods will be
like. An Irish werevampenguiness is pining for the fjords, erm, the
rolling cold damp burning-peat-reeking hills of home.

Darn it to heck, it's quiet here!

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin

[1] They'll have a long wait. According to Pterry, Hogswatch falls on
SteVen's birthd^H^H^H New Year's Eve.

[2] Obviously a forgery, for the obvious reason...

[3] Much 'greener' than stockings. In the interests of not being visited by
the RSPCA, the use of bungees is preferred to nailing the little buggers
to the mantelpiece.

[4] Who really, really hopes a certain werevampenguin will bring her an
Unreal Scrabble set this year. Or even a new real one.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) ANOTHER REVIEW OF NIGHT WATCH

I liked Night Watch.

I though there were shades of the 'Terminator' films in it, and I loved the
two versions of the painting on the cover.

The 'one man can make a difference' theme was quite well drawn out, but I
did find some of the characters were too black and white -- or rather, red.
Maybe I prefer to have my hair trying to stand on end in terror than my last
meal trying to leave in disgust.

I thought the 'lost and returned hip flask revealing the inner man under the
two sets of armour' rather sweet -- and the implication that Vimes can now
drink moderately is, I hope, an indication of a future for the character.
He is one of the most developed and explained characters on the Discworld.

I think my favourite TP ever is Reaper Man - with Interesting Times close
second, but I never met a Discworld book I didn't like.

-- Anne Pearson, Dorset, England
anne@...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) HOW I DISCOVERED DISCWORLD

I just thought I would relate how I found Terry Pratchett.
I was roving the house one day searching for something
new to read.  On the bottom shelf of the bookcase in the
hallway, which has only ever had ancient encyclopedias,
I found, tucked up on top of one of the encyclopedias, three
books: Eric, Small Gods and Soul Music.

I read Eric first and was not impressed (I have since
gone back and reread it and found it to be better then I
remembered).  Next I read Small Gods. Studying the
crazy things people do in the name of religion -- a hobby
of mine -- I fell madly in love with that book and have read
it more times then I can count.  When I read Soul Music,
I fell in love with Death.  Death and Sam Vimes are without
question my two favorite characters with Death only slightly
in the lead.

After I finished reading these three books I asked everyone
in my family who bought them so I could compare notes and
discuss the books with someone else who had read them.
I asked everyone and no one admits to buying them so all
I can think is that they traveled to my bookshelf through L-space.

I have tried to find other fans who live in Indiana and there must
be some because all the book stores sell Discworld books and
I don't buy them all.  So far, however, my search has been in vain.

"Dock-a-loodle-fod!" -- dyslexic roosters are a sad sight

-- Elizabeth Blazier
elizabeth_blazier@...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2002 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE - THE MURKY CRYSTAL BALL

Once again, my good friend Manu, head of our KFL
Spanish language section, and editor of El Puercoespín
(The Hedgehog), has translated Lady Aranluc's latest
Horoscope, and here it is:

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

THE LOST SIGN:
YOUR MISSING DISC HOROSCOPE FOR LAST MONTH

We had a few complaints after the last issue that we had omitted
an entire sign, and that one-twelfth of our readership was
wandering around in a mental fog.  Actually, we were the ones
in a mental fog, same as always.  Here's what we left out:

September 24 - October 23
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

Christmas time has come, and the small boring group
person needs to see life from other points of view, take in the
little details, expand her horizons, get a deeper knowledge
of the world around her ... in short, the poor thing needs
someone to buy her new glasses before she puts her
foot in a ditch and kisses the road...
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE  FOR JANUARY 2003

March 21 - April 20
The Perhaps Gate

You'll start communing with the ones around you with an increased
efficiency, discovering that you have a lot in common with them.
For a start, you share 50% of your DNA with your mother, and you
thought she was just the lady who washes your dirty clothes. Well,
it turns out that you are really the laundry woman's son, and you
have spent all these years living a lie.

April 21 - May 21
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips

Hurrah, you are soon going to find something you've spent a
long time looking for. Will it be the motorcycle keys? Will
it be those wits everyone says you are short of? Will it be
your half grapefruit? Well, just pray it is not the good kicking
everybody says you've been deserving for quite a long time...

May 22 - June 21
The Two Fat Cousins

This month you have become a nominee for the "Most Horrible Person
Award 2002" no doubt due to all that watching yourself in the
mirror and moaning "Oh, we must lose some pounds here and shrink
them there," and "How much did you say we should try to lift?"  And
meaning it, of course. If you survive until next month without anyone
breaking your skull, you can consider yourself successful -- or at
least very lucky.

June 22 - July 22
Wezen the Double-Headed Kangaroo

Life smiles on you, or at least does not seem about to hit you very
hard. At worst, it just ignores you, and trust me when I say that
it's just as well. Just think what would happen if one of these days
it suddenly remembered you... Well, keep your ears open, for maybe
this month you'll get to hear some spicy gossip. Pass it on -- but
only if you have a good lawyer.

July 23 - August 23
The Cow of Heaven

Put your hand in your pocket and take out a dollar. Got it? Right. Now
carefully look at it and fix it in your mind, because it will be the
last one you'll see for quite a while. I don't know what it is you
do with your money, but it just flies away. Maybe it's that
your mother has learned something from the Secret Master
(i.e., you) and gets up at night to clean out your pockets...

August 24 - September 23
Mubbo the Hyena

No one is going to fake you out anymore. They won't get anything
past you now. You want proof, lots of proof, for everything. Or
else you won't get out of their way.  If they say "This is the word
of God" at the church, you stand up and yell to the priest: "Who
said that? Produce someone who has seen God saying
that, or else produce God down here right now to ratify it. Oh,
and pull the other church, it's got bells on." An angry mob with
torches will be waiting for you.

September 24 - October 23
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

Although this is a good moment to seek care and comfort from
your loved ones, you should not overdo it. I mean, those chains
attached to the wall are too much, and the nine-tailed whip is frankly
overkill.  And if you're wondering why people will not help you
voluntarily ... perhaps you should just reconsider your way
of asking for things.

October 24 - November 22
Okjok the Salesman

Ho ho ho, what a splendid month you've got ahead. If you do well, you'll
be more popular than Brad Pitt at an organized granny holiday. In other
words, if you don't pick up someone this month, you can start thinking
about celibacy, because your astral conjunction is the best
you can expect in a very long time. I don't mean to put you down,
mind. Come on, all you need is love. Well, in fact, all you need is
a home, a decent job, eating every day and, since you point it out, love.
But go easy, step by step, first things first, all that stuff. And if the
love thing doesn't work out, blame it on astral forces, same as
always.

November 23 - December 21
The Overworked Orang-Utang

This is the best moment to march firmly into life -- pay off your credit
cards, take out a substantial bank loan, fix your marriage, take control
of your mentally unstable children, get rid of that crappy job... Now or
never, kid. And my point is not to overwhelm you, it's just that
this is the ideal time to move out of your basement apartment
and get a life.  Oh, and your mother says to remember that
she wants to see some grandchildren before her Alzheimer's
takes away the the little sanity she's got left after coping with
you all these years.

December 22 - January 20
The Celestial Parsnip

I see something wrong with your stomach or your intestines. I don't
know if it's a case of bad digestion, a hot sauce overdose or a big
potato stuck in your gut, but you are really constipated. Just eat
a lot of boiled rice, boiled fish and grilled chicken breast, drink
wisely and make sure there's enough toilet paper for when
the constipation wears off. And, in case it's not bad digestion
but a biological attack by terrorists, don't forget to take your
vitamins.

January 21 - February 18
The Knotted String

Surprise trip ahead, if you're going to London, Greece, Hong Kong,
Bombay, Tijuana or Singapore. Just as long as it's not to the
supermarket on the corner... Now that I think about it, given the
pseudo-vegetal lifestyle some people have, the supermarket on
the corner can be an exciting adventure, too.  Just leave your money
at home and argue with the manager.  But bring a strong friend, just in case.

February 19 - March 20
The Flying Moose

You can get what you want out of people. You know how to speak, you
know you can get people to do whatever you want, you've got an
impressive stare, hard to resist. Okay, the knife in your pocket also
helps, but I prefer the traditional, natural means of persuasion.
You know: bribery, extortion, menacing anonymous notes,
threatening phone calls, visits at five o'clock in the morning in full
psycho mode... Hey, it even works with teachers -- many of the
world's top leaders used it just to get through school. Not me,
of course.

-- Lady Aranluc
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  MOVING PICTURES
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answer the questions and put the letter
indicated into the spot shown.  Read the words
backwards and discover the name of the President
of the Alchemists Guild who led the way to Holy Wood.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1990 Gollancz edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Example: Pratchett - 1st letter: ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Friends call her "Ginger" (1st name, 2nd letter)

2. Throat's nephew, VP in Charge of Making Pictures (1st name, 1st letter)

3. Head Handleman (2nd name, 2nd letter)

4. The short order chef at Borgle's Restaurant (1st letter)

5. Last Keeper of the Door (2nd name, 1st letter)

6. The Wonder Dog (7th letter)

7. Male star of "Blown Away" (1st name, 1st letter)

8. Only client of The Wonder Dog (1st letter)

9. Organ-playing daughter of Bezam (1st name, 5th letter)

10. VP in Charge of Wardrobe (2nd name, 3rd letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = President of Alchemists Guild
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: ERIC
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Red ____ Witch of the Night (1st letter)
    SHARRON = S  (Oops, Diome was the Witch. Sharron
    was just sitting next to her.  Sorry about that.)
2. Spawn of the Pit (1st letter)
     URGLEFLOGGAH = U
3. Most beautiful woman in the Ephebian world (2nd letter)
      ELENAR = L
4. Explorer searching for Fountain of Youth (2nd letter)
     PONCE DA QUIRM = O
5. New Archchancellor of Unseen University (1st letter)
     EZROLITH CHURN = E
6. One of the oldest demon dukes (1st letter)
      VASSENEGO = V
7. King of the Demons (1st letter)
     ASTFGL = A
8. The Feathered Boa (14th letter)
      QUEZOVERCOATL = L (actually the 13th letter,
       ah well.  Tsk tsk.)

S_/U_/L_/O_/E_/V_/A_/L_/_= Rincewind's ancestor
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8* /      = LAVOLEUS (Oops, actually Lavaeolus.
It's been a long year.)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2002 by Klatchian Foreign Legion



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ahoy fellow Discoids,

Just got this message:

Hi Joe,
Wossname parts 1 2 3 arrived this morning and on opening found all three
had simply the following:-

<®*
Đqr

and that was it.
Anyone else come back to you about it?
Cheers
Ron
ears@...

Please let me know if you got the issue.

Joe Schaumburger
jschaum111@...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
WOSSNAME NEWS BULLETIN
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The following is the publicity blurb for the American edition of Terry's
THE WEE FREE MEN, which is to be published in May 2003.
--------------------
"Another world is colliding with this one," said the toad. "All the
monsters are coming back."
"Why?" said Tiffany.
"There's no one to stop them."
There was silence for a moment.Then Tiffany said, "There's me."

In a thrilling tale that is equal parts suspense and humor,
Carnegie Medallist Terry Pratchett spins the story of a young
witch-to-be named Tiffany Aching who must journey through
the terrifying and ever-shifting dreamscape of Fairyland to
rescue her kidnapped brother.

Armed only with a frying pan, Tiffany is all that stands between
the monsters of Fairyland and the chalk country that is her home.
Her sole allies are the Wee Free Men -- a clan of sheep-stealing,
sword-wielding, six-inch-high blue men, as fierce as they are funny.
Together, they battle through Fairyland, where reality intertwines
with nightmare, before confronting its absolute ruler: the Queen
of the Elves. And in the ultimate showdown, Tiffany must face
her cruel power alone...

(HarperCollins are planning to publish an edition of TRUCKERS,
DIGGERS and WINGS for the American market in Fall 2003.)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

My thanks to all of our readers who let me know that the
last issue did indeed reach them.

-- Joe Schaumburger
Editor
WOSSNAME

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
January 2003 (Volume 6, Issue 1)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups.  Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
in your name and e-mail address.  Are there any dues?  No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Limericks Mistress: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
     Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) KFL SPANISH-SPEAKING SECTION ANNUAL REPORT
     -- MEMBERSHIP JUMPS 43% !!!
2) ADVANCE JACKET COPY: THE WEE FREE MEN
3) GURPS REVIEW - DESTROYING THE OPERA HOUSE
4) THE END OF DISCWORLD

====Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DISCWORLD POETS STRIKE AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5) LIMERICKS THAT HAVE ROCKS IN THEM
6) RED HOT HAIKUS RIGHT OFF THE PRESS
7) SOME DWARVEN HAIKUS
8) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
9) KFL MEET REPORTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

====Part 3

9) KFL MEET REPORTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
             continued
10) PUZZLE: REAPER MAN
11) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) KFL SPANISH-SPEAKING SECTION ANNUAL REPORT
-- MEMBERSHIP JUMPS 43% !!!

Hurray! First pint of scumble is on the house! And if you are
still upright, this is just to let you all know that the KFL's
Spanish-Speaking section has broadly passed the 500-member mark.
(Up from 350 members last year -- a 43% increase!)

And that's not all -- our South American membership is increasing
very fast (we can tell because of all the e-mails we're getting
about the bloody scarce distribution they're getting of the
translated novels down there...)

"Mort, the Play" has just been published with some extra icono-
graphies from the first Discworld play on stage in Barcelona;
"Men at Arms" (the novel) is being translated into Spanish, so
we won't have to wait much longer, and "Soul Music" is on the
cue. And The Lost Novels ("Reaper Man," "Moving Pictures" and
"Witches Abroad"), out of print for more than five years, are
going to hit the stores soon, or so we've been told.

Oh, and reports from our troops state that Mr. Pratchett is sell-
ing quite well around here. It might mean that Spanish publish-
ing companies will think about speeding up the publishing of the
series or, since we're talking about Spanish editions, it might
well mean nothing. But we're optimistic.

Giving moral to the troops,
and yours always,
MANU VICIANO
(Head -or something- of the
Legión Extranjera Klatchiana)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) ADVANCE JACKET COPY - THE WEE FREE MEN

Colin Smythe, Terry's agent, has given us an advance
peek at the blurb from the advance jacket of the Doubleday
edition of the book (which has a superb Paul Kidby cover):

There's trouble on the Aching farm -- a monster in the river,
a headless horseman in the driveway and nightmares
spreading down from the hills. And now Tiffany Aching's
little brother has been stolen by the Queen of the Fairies
(although Tiffany doesn't think this is entirely a bad thing).

Tiffany's got to get him back. To help her, she has a weapon
(a frying pan), her granny's magic book (well, 'Diseases of the
Sheep', actually) and ---

'Crivens! Whut aboot us, ye daftie!'

--- Oh yes. She's also got the Nac Mac Feegles, the Wee Free Men,
the fightin', thievin', tiny blue-skinned pictsies who were thrown out
of Fairyland for being Drunk and Disorderly...

A wise, witty and wonderfully inventive adventure set in the Discworld.

Publication date: May 1, 2003. 224 pages. ISBN: 0060012366
US: List USD 16.99   Amazon: USD 11.89
UK: List: GBP 12.99  Amazon.co.uk: 9.09
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3)  DESTROYING ANKH-MORPORK'S OPERA HOUSE
      A GURPS Discworld Role-playing Session Review

I guess you all know about Discworld's Role-playing Game or, to be
more exact, about the two campaign books written by Terry Pratchett
and Phil Masters for GURPS (Generic Universal Role-playing System).
During these last Hogswatch holidays I had the chance to play a
good session.

My friend Pablo Jaime is quite a good GURPS loony (though I know
of quite a lot of people who don't like the game system), and also
quite a good Discworld loony, so he made his mind to be the game-
master. I, of course, threatened and blackmailed him until he
agreed to let me fill a character sheet. Since the adventure was
to be set in Ankh-Morpork, I thought I would be a thief, but since
I wanted some extra emotion in my character's life, I decided to
be out of the Guild. The rest of the characters were a muscled and
brainless Barbarian Hero Wannabe, an Assassin who was counseling
the City Watch in certain specialized affairs (he was a post-
graduate student in an interchange course) and an Alchemist who
happened to be a zombie, which gave him a certain advantage when
it came to survive the typical deflagration.

The story began when the owners of the house I was 'visiting' died
awful death in hand of an invisible being. While I, the only wit-
ness, was fleeing desperately from the crime-scene, the Barbarian
Hero had heard the blood-freezing female screams and, thinking I
was the murderer, started to run after me with his two-handed sword
unsheathed. I sought refuge in my nice and warm cell in Pseudopolis
Yard and that saved my life. Next morning we were told that the
Watch was very busy getting ready for a big celebration that was
to be very soon and that we were the ones designed to find out
about this crime on pain, in my case, to be given away to the
Thieves' Guild. Plot was on the table.

I won't tell all the game's details because I don't want Joe to
have to send a fourth part for this newsletter, but the climax was
reached with the zombie throwing loads of rotten food, nearly de-
molishing Ankh-Morpork's Opera House and with my character leaving
behind his life as a thief and becoming a City Watch Sergeant in
charge of the new forensic division, Discworld's CSI. And the
moral is, basically, that when played without too many cares GURPS
DW can provide a really nice time. The gamemaster can throw humo-
rous plots, funny characters and gags at you, but the game runs a
lot smoother if nobody worries too much about the laughs and the
Discworld books are not taken as some kind of dogma. That's
literature, this is role-playing. The laughs end up happening by
themselves (OK, maybe with some external help): for example, the
Barbarian Hero spent all the adventure thinking that I was the
murderer, so I thought of "conditioning" him by talking to him in
his sleep, which had to work because of narrative causality. And
at the end he was believing that I was also a Barbarian Hero, only
one of another kind. So it did work. And the game is far more
exciting if you don't know about the future. Corporal Littlebottom
died at the very beginning, and the stage was set just after
"Jingo," so the game was really set in a kind of "alternate
Discworld." We didn't meet Commander Vimes, either...

In short: it was a great experience I look forward to continue.
After all, the Thieves' Guild had been after my character for a
very long time. It's time to see how things go the other way
round.

-- Manu Viciano
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) THE END OF DISCWORLD

An alarming interview with Terry appeared in The Guardian
on January 11, 2003. In it, Sally Weale, the interviewer,
asked him, "Will Discworld ever end?"

"Yes," said Terry, "it's got to. Eventually it
will be too restrictive.

"It has changed a lot. It has gone from being
a jolly, lightweight read, to some reasonably
heavy stuff where the humour is derived from the
character and situation rather than gags. Because
it can change, I can keep it reasonably fresh and
because it is a world, I'm not stuck to one
character or a group of characters, but there's
a limit to that."

In any case, it is starting to take its toll.

"I've concentrated over the years on writing
books, not particularly in publicising them,
or being an author, which may have been to
my detriment.

"It takes more out of me each time. I'm going
to have to slow down and decide what the hell
I'm going to do."
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
9) KFL MEET REPORTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
                       continued
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

POTTERMEET, Australia
Date: 8th December 2002
Venue: Knox City Mall (including Dragon Boat restaurant, Village Cinema,
various cafes, games arcade)
Attending: Trina, Bek, Matt, Steven, Hania, Paul, Dru
              Guests: Trina's kids, Dean, Doctor Michael

Unfortunately, I can't report objectively on this one because Knox is
appropriately named -- it's the size of a city (for a mall that is), and it
was heaving with thousands and thousands of pre-Hogswatch shoppers,
all of which brought out the screaming agoraphobe in me.

To give an idea of how huge the place really is: Steven was late
(as usual, heheh) and came through the entire mall searching
for the Dragon Boat, and it took him fifteen_minutes_of_searching
just to find an information booth so he could ask for directions!

Everything was enormous, crowded, and noisy, including the
Knox branch of Dragon Boat, which looked big enough to hold
  half the population of Hong Kong. Dru cowered under the
tablecloth while Steven passed her bits of tentacles and Paul
tried to take compromising digital photos of everyone
(the camera was duly confiscated and erased, thankgods).

Then we went to the cinema, which has about twenty screens
and advertises its V-Max cinema as the largest screen
in Australia, and bought tickets for Harry Potter and the
Chamber of Secrets, only to discover that we had an hour
to kill until the next showing in the V-Max. Most of the
group went off to a games arcade. Bek, Doctor Michael
and I went for a coffee. Big mistake for me - I ordered a cafe latte frappe
(remember folks, it's summer in Fourecks) and, when it arrived, I found it
so frozen that I pushed my straw to the bottom and sucked
really hard and swallowed a mouthful, only to discover that they'd
mistakenly given me a mocha frappe and the bottom was full of
chocolate syrup! Did I mention that I'm allergic to chocolate?

"*How*allergic?" asked Doctor Michael. Luckily, not allergic enough
to require his services after just one swallow, but I did sound like
The Godfather for the next couple of hours...

Then back to the cinema. More not so great times: V-Max may well be
Australia's biggest screen but it certainly isn't the best! Screen
resolution wasn't brilliant and the sound system was well below par.
Mind you, so was the movie. Your humble reporter was very disappointed in
HP2, the rest of the group less so but no-one seemed totally blown away.

Afterwards, Hania did a blow-by-blow description of how she bullied Pterry
into signing her breasts (fake plastic ones, that is) and Trina took
her wee ones home, while some people went back to the
arcade and others went for yet another snack. At last we said our goodbyes
and agreed to meet again soon in quieter circumstances. Paul, having
been banned from camera use, missed what would have been the best
shot of the day - Doctor Michael pushing Hania, squealing, in a shopping
trolley the entire length of the now-deserted mall!  Steven offered Paul a
spin to a train station. We were several klicks down the road when the
following took place:

Steven: "Paul, when is the last train?"
Paul (after a pause): "Twenty minutes ago."

Of course, Steven being a very nice guy in real life, took Paul home with a
minimum of violence, and your humble reporter swore a long loud vow to
  never, ever go to Knox again! Poor Trina, it was her first MelMeet since
  her de-lurk and I just hope she wasn't too traumatised :-)

Granny Tude
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SteVen's BIRTHDAY MEATS (note spelling)
Dates: 31st December, 2002; 1st January, 2003
Venues: The Fortress Of Avoiding The Neighbours aka Steven's house, Hoyts
Cinema Northlands
Attending: Bek, Matt, Paul, Dru, some guy who was celebrating his birthday,
plus guests Jeff, David and Sheridan, and Steven's weird brother Big Mad
Adrian (Meat 1); SteVen, Dru, Hania and Doctor Michael (Meat 2)

Meat was very much on the menu for this event - BBQ time!
All gathered at the Fortress for the ritual Burning Of The Snags,
a traditional Ecksian cultural event involving BCBs and genuine
pig product. Many carried presents for Steven. Matt and Bek carried
tentacles (small ones). After the Viewing of the Presents and
Cards (everyone loved the one Laurel had sent, which was
addressed to "The Eeevil Fortress of Penguin Doom" and still
managed to reach the, erm, Eeevil Fortress in RL), and ooh-ing
and ahh-ing over Steven's wonderful framed Paul Kidby portraits
of the Librarian and Errol, guests were further amazed at the sight
of the BBQ itself: "That's not a barbie, that's an ashtray!"
"I didn't know this was meant to be a dolls' party." But Steven
shrugged his flippers and persevered. He had raided several markets
like a proper barbarian invader, and now cooked enough food to
serve, well, a company of wizards. Big Mad Adrian arrived with a
copy of LOTR for us to watch -- only to be informed that we were
going to see LOTR TTT at the cinema. Like the bludger he is,
he begged a ticket off big brother.

And off we went. This time the cinema was smaller, friendlier and
completely lacking in sneaky chocolate poisoners, AND the film was
of course fantabulous (not that Paul would know; he decided to see
Jackie Chan on another screen, the philistine). When it was all over,
everyone headed off to various New Year's Eve celebrations, and
Steve and Dru went back to the Fortress and fell asleep an hour
before midnight.

The following day, Hania and Doctor Michael arrived. They'd
actually meant to arrive on the 31st but got lost :-)  Steven
discovered about 10 kilos of steak that had been
overlooked during the previous day's festivities, so it was
dragged out, pacified, marinaded and BBQ'ed.  Afterwards,
bloated with named meat, we watched the 2-video entirety
of the animated Soul Music. Sadly, this was a BIG disappointment.
It was done by Cosgrove Hall, a company that has many great
animated series to its credit (Dangermouse, yayyy!), and they
just didn't have a clue. But surprisingly, the music was very
decent, although we never heard anything obviously resembling
the infamous 'Pathway To Paradise'!!!

The next Melmeet is shaping up to take place on the 26th of January, which
of course is the great
Ecksian national holiday, Australia Day.

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  REAPER MAN
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answer the questions and put the letter
indicated into the spot shown.  Read the words
backwards and discover the name of a popular
Ankh-Morpork club for those who are having
difficulties in relating to being undead.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1991 Gollancz edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Example: Pratchett - 1st letter: ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. A banshee with a speech impediment (6th letter)

2. Dead Rights activist Mr. Shoe (1st name, 1st letter)

3. Those who monitor reality (1st letter)

4. Arthur Winking, Count ________ (3rd letter)

5. The oldest wizard (last name, 5th letter)

6. Female farm owner who hired the unemployed Death (last name, 9th letter)

7. Agoraphobic bogeyman (1st letter)

8. The Great Attractor, the Death of Universes (5th letter)

9. Female farm owner's hired hand (last name, 4th letter

10. Female farm owner's former boyfriend (1st name, 3rd letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Undead activist club
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: MOVING PICTURES
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------
1. Friends call her "Ginger" (1st name, 2nd letter)
        THEDA WITHEL = H
2. Throat's nephew, VP in Charge of Making Pictures (1st name, 1st letter)
        SOLL DIBBLER = S
3. Head Handleman (2nd name, 2nd letter)
        GAFFER BIRD = I
4. The short order chef at Borgle's Restaurant (1st letter)
        FRUNTKIN = F
5. Last Keeper of the Door (2nd name, 1st letter)
        DECCAN RIBOBE = R
6. The Wonder Dog (7th letter)
        GASPODE = E
7. Male star of "Blown Away" (1st name, 1st letter)
        VICTOR TUGELBEND = V
8. Only client of The Wonder Dog (1st letter)
        LADDIE = L
9. Organ-playing daughter of Bezam (1st name, 5th letter)
        CALLIOPE PLANTER = I
10. VP in Charge of Wardrobe (2nd name, 3rd letter)
        MARIETTA COSMOPOLITE = S

H_/S_/I_/F_/R_/E_/V_/L_/I_/S_/ = President of Alchemists Guild
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/    = SILVERFISH

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

11) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE

Alas, due to foggy conditions in the Ramtops, the
astronomers have been unable to send Lady
Aranluc their regular reports, so she must delay
her calculations for a month.  Luckily, since our own
Roundworld is so far away, this will not affect
your Horoscope report in the slightest.  It will
appear next month.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2003 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
DISCWORLD POETS STRIKE AGAIN!
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) LIMERICKS THAT HAVE ROCKS IN THEM

Miss Agnes Nitt, known as Perdita
Was a famously unfussy eater
And also, I think
Not averse to a drink
Till Vlad ordered Nitt by the litre.

An Ankhian zombie, Reg Shoe
Was a practical man through and through
When losing his head
He smiled calmly and said
"Much obliged if you'd pass me the glue!"

Archchancellor Ridcully said
"My Faculty's far too well-fed
"These silly-goose wizards
"Think overstuffed gizzards
"Exude thaumological cred."

A Seamstress romanced** an Assassin
As Mrs. Palm's house he was passin'
She cried, "You're no Clown,
"You're a chore to pin down
"But oh! What a cinch to unfasten!"

There was a farmhand named Bill Door
Who never found harvests a chore
MISS FLITWORTH? he said
I'M DEATH, AND YOU'RE DEAD.
THERE'S TIME, THOUGH, FOR DANCING - ONE MORE?

The Duke of Ankh, Samuel Vimes
Is concerned with the solving of crimes
His ginger-beer fictions
Secure him convictions.
(That's crude, also rude...but it rhymes.)

A thimble of Nanny Ogg's scumble
Can cause seasoned drinkers to stumble
And fall, at the pass
On the way to Bad Ass.
That's just the way *them* apples crumble.

A plateful of Klatchian curry
So hot that it makes your eyes blurry
Is value for money
Despite being runny -
You'll run in one 'eck of a hurry...

--Drusilla D'Afanguin

There once was a Sergeant named Colon
Who liked to kick perps in the bolon
"They shriek and they roar
And they roll on the floor
And quickly give back what they've stolon."

-- Joe Schaumburger

There once was a guy named Vic,
Who wanted to be in a click,
His act was a-miss,
but boy, could he kiss,
And now he's the star of the Disc.

--Yasmin ;-)

An Igor (the way Pterry tells this)
Is a veritable Paracelsus
So if you should start
To disparage his art
He'll take it to heart (someone's else's).

- Kate, sneaking one in

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) RED HOT HAIKUS RIGHT OFF THE PRESS

This one is contributed by a friend of mine, Leanne,
who for reasons all her own, doesn't actually read Pterry.

Disk World is shattered
Elephants fly forgotten
Pterry'n lies a tale

Kate - fond of bad punes

The Lancre coven meets
the cauldron bubbles and boils.
Granny makes her tea.

The Dungeon Dimensions
are filled with creatures most odd.
Rincewind uses a sock.

The moon drifts through clouds
Darkness settles over the Shades
A tourist is mugged.

Glorious springtime
In the kingdom of Lancre:
Nanny fills her bath.

-- Kate, doing her thing

7) SOME DWARVEN HAIKUS

Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold
Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold
Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold

-- Mysapp

Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold
Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold Gold
Gold Gold Gold Silver

-- Conman
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
8) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Heya Joe,

ED:>Dru, your limericks are terrific!

Thank you! I *am* disappointed that no-one else has
come forward so far,  though. Some of those
limericks composed themselves at me instantaneously
(e.g., the Nanny Ogg and Death ones), some took a
couple of minutes' thought, but all in all that sort of
versifying is soooo easy. Erm, well, it is to me.

ED:>Am appointing you Limericks Editor or
>Goddess of Limericks, whichever you
>prefer. [1] Will be the highlight of the next issue!

Wheee! I'll see if the mood strikes me to make some
more soon. I think, in the spirit of Discworld, perhaps
Limericks Mistress might be most descriptive, heheh.

>Joe, gratefully
>
>[1] Editor looks better on your resume, on the
>other hand Goddess bring you worshippers.

How about temple offerings? I'm broke:  P

ED> I fear all the temple offerings would be limericks.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

JULIE'S QUESTION

To The Editor:

(In response to the December newsletter question from Julie,
who asked about the first book in the Discworld series)

The first book is assumed to be Color of Magic, and the
books follow in order of when they were written.  However,
you also asked if this would be the book to start with,
and I think...no (and I think others agree with me)

There is no set book to start on (as many will tell you),
though some websites post maps showing certain books
that are best (dreadfully confusing things).  I myself
started in the middle of the series with Reaper Man,
one of the few in my local library, and it was just fine.
I went back to read the first two books of the series,
Color of Magic and Light Fantastic, and I didn't enjoy
them very much.  They were good books, better than
most, but the only thing that kept me reading was the
fact that I had read Terry Pratchett’s books before,
and thought that it was worth it.

The conclusion I shall now draw after this horribly wordy
response is loosely based on others’ experience.  When
I command my friends to read Terry Pratchett books
(I’m only human, and, besides, it’s good for them),
I recommend Wyrd Sisters, and it turns out that it’s a
very good book to start with.  It’s fairly early in the series,
and it’s very enjoyable.  Another good book to get you
hooked on Discworld is Guards!  Guards!  Either one works.

It’s my opinion that the later you go into the series,
the better the books, but everything has to start
somewhere, I suppose, and it would be terribly confusing
and annoying for one to read through the s backwards
(the whole plot of Mort was ruined for me when I read
Soul Music first).

Good Luck

-- Sam
sam927@...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
9) KFL MEET REPORTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SYDMEET REPORT - TWO VERSIONS

Date: 24th Jan 2003
People in attendance: Conman, Mysapp, Timerryn, Cat, Cats Mum.
Sydney, Australia

MUNDANE VERSION

We met before 9:45 at Epping Station, all 5 of us. Caught the train to
Central. We waited for almost an hour, generally talking and stuff, just in
case someone else would turn up. They didn't. At this time it was cloudy.

We wandered in the general direction of the Galaxy bookshop, and looked
around in there (Conman even took a few photos) until around 1 o'clock, and
then wandered in the vague direction of Darling Harbour to get something to
eat. We found a place and had kebabs, except for Merryn, who had a fruit
thingy. When we were walking towards Darling Harbour there was a sun shower,
but I may have been the only one to notice it.

We sat on a bench next to this lake-type-thing and talked, watched the ducks
and seagulls and ibis, got quizzed from the two Discworld quizbooks that
Conman brought along, until we realized that it was four o'clock, even
though it had been two o'clock just a few minutes ago. By this time it was
incredibly sunny, and hot even in the shade.

We walked towards Town Hall Station and went home, except Conman stayed in
the city coz he had to do some other stuff there. I'm sure I got sunburnt.

--Cat (if I've left anything out, feel free to correct me).

Now to translate Cat's words into some vaguely
dwarfish tale:

LITERARY VERSION

Bright was not the day and hope stayed away as the
Wizzards gathered, at the meeting of ways known in
mythology as "Epping Station," at a time of
convenience to all.

Yea, and they marched down the station. Conman was
there, and Mysapp too. Timmerryn, drawer of cartoons
and the Cat. And watching over the Cat, Kerry (Cat's
mother).

Then came the great snake of silver (I've been reading
too many books of the "just getting to the
industrialized world" type, where those who didn't
invent the train get overawed by it), to carry them
away from danger (dubious) and into the place known as
"Central," where they hoped to be joined in their
quest by others amongst the Wizzards.

And they waited. And waited. And waited some more,
until finally their patience gave out and they left.

Then they wandered, and found themselves in a place of
great treasures, and it was named Galaxy, and a
veritable galaxy (exaggeration, gotta love it *g*) of
books did await.

Then indecision did take them, until finally hunger
did drive the questors to food by the water, in the
place known as a Harbour. Here it was that foreign
food was partaken by all parties, and where a barely
noticeable rain (which I wouldn't have noticed if a
drop hadn't landed on my nose :P) of acid (well, all
rain is slightly acidic, IIRC) did fall upon them.

And now were they required to pass the great test, as
ConMan withdrew two great tomes of knowledge and
assailed them with questions, yea and time itself was
forced to bend to the passage of the quiz, until
finally the weary ones prevailed, as the quizmaster
agreed that the shadows had lengthened greatly.

-- Mysapp
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

MEET REPORTS CONTINUE ON PAGE 3
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2003 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ooooooooooooWoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
THE DISCWORLD NOVEL HAIKU CHALLENGE
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Drusilla, our in-house Part-Time Goddess of Bad Pottery and
recently-appointed Limerick Mistress has expanded her poetic
activities into the haiku realm.  She has challenged our
readers to sum up the plot or essence of Discworld novels
into a set of 12 haikus.  Here are the top entries so far:

5) MASKERADE

Miss 'Perdita' Nitt
Fine figure of *two* women
Sings self-harmony

Granny and Nanny
In need of a junior witch
Head for Ankh-Morpork

The Opera Ghost
Perpetrator of murders
Is he man or spook?

Slack-jawed Walter Plinge
A man of multiple masks
Sweeps away secrets

Christine's empty head
Fills up with dreams of stardom...
Well, she *looks* the part!

Opera giant
Enrico Basilica
A Shades boy at heart

Nanny's recipes
Add some euphemistic heat
To the proceedings

"Opera is art
"It's not about the money"
Bucket's in despair

Is *he* man or cat?
What an exciting chase scene!
Greebo steals the show

Exit Perdita
Ghost caught, case solved, justice done
Agnes Nitt goes home

--Drusilla D'Afanguin
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) CARPE JUGULUM

Always three there are,
Maiden, Mother and ... other.
But now there are four.

Vampires with a 'y',
Invited into Lancre,
Immune to garlic.

Garlick, Magrat (Queen)
Protective of her baby,
Becomes the mother.

Agnes, of two minds,
Breaks through vampiric glamour,
Remains a maiden.

Granny in hiding
Makes Nanny the 'other one' -
The new coven forms.

In the Gnarly Ground,
Granny is lost in her thoughts,
Acts as though beaten.

Along with a priest -
Reverend Mightily Oats,
The coven sets out.

Into Uberwald,
To Don'tgonearthe Castle,
The Magpyr clan's home.

They meet an Igor,
Granny shows more hidden strengths,
The Old Count returns.

The vampyrs withdraw,
Townspeople start to fight back,
All is right again.

--ConMan
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) LORDS AND LADIES

Circles in the crops
Lords and ladies gathering
Snow in the circle

New age girls dancing
Make witchcraft fashionable
Power is conferred

A duel at high noon
Granny stops to help a child
Diamanda fails

A marriage is planned
Verence and Magrat to rule
Tapestries boring

An Entertainment
A play is being performed
The Dancers open

Casanunda courts
Nanny is fascinating
A feast is consumed

Ridcully transports
Granny remembers her past
Unicorn attacks

Magrat is imbued
Queen Ynci's spirit peers out
Iron in the head

Nanny goes walking
The Long Man has big tonker
Elf King is amused

Granny is captured
Elf Queen gloats, plotting evil
The bees are swarming

Granny and Magrat
Fight the Elf Queen to standstill
A swarm is Borrowed

King takes Queen away
In the silence of the elves
All ends happily

--Kathy
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) SOURCERY

Wizard squared -
A source of magic pow'rful
Sourcerer is born.

Ipslore will not die
Inside staff he hides and guides
Destiny awaits.

Coin goes to Morpork
By wizards he is mockéd-
The cockroaches flee.

Hat of wizardry
Needs to get away quite fast
Rincewind's pulled along.

Conina protects
The Archancellor's great hat
Will the world survive?

Slavers take the hat
Conina follows closely
Rincewind tags along.

Hat bought by rich man
Nijel tries to be hero
Sourcery strengthens

Towers everywhere
Wizards want to rule the world
Not while Rincewind lives!

Abrim tries on hat
It has found a worthy mind
Sourcery beware!

Root of all problems
Back in Ankh, libraries burn.
Rincewind goes to home.

Rincewind saves the world.
Hero fights with sand in sock
Dungeons of time call.

--Cat
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) WYRD SISTERS

Ghostly king Verence
Fallen down the once clean stairs
Dagger in his back.

Insane Duke on throne
He wants to burn down forests
Land awakes once more.

True king thespian
Granny weaves her magic spell
Tomjon comes back home.

Past is but mem'ry
Witches fight back forcefully
Actors forget words.

Granny shows true self
Duchess is unaffected
But now she's in chains.

Tomjon will not rule
I'faith fool cannot be king
It does not matter.

True king regains throne
Duchess gets away with speed
The land gives a sigh

--Cat
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I suggest we let these entries sit for a while and
see what else comes in.  We'll judge them around
June, and hand out some sort of prizes.  Anyone
have suggestions for the prizes or would like to be
a judge? Write me at jschaum111@...

-- Joe

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

To the Editor:

k p wrote:
> Hey - can anyone tell me how long the list has been going for?
>When it all began?

That's some information that is sadly lacking from the University
website (which you can find here, at http://ozdw.homes.com.au)  If any
of the remaining original members are still here (I think that's only
the Libwolf) would like to write a short history of BU, I'll put it up
there.

> I have been trying to remember how long I'd been lurking for before I
> finally posted an email. I remember listbot and I'm sure I was still at uni
> when I first joined but that would put it somewhere between 5 - 9 years
> ago.....

Listbot, yeah, that would make it fairly early then.   Yahoo! claims! we!
joined! on! Jun 9, 2000!  I think I joined in 98, and that was within a
year of the list starting IIRC.

> anyone? Jase - you should know...

They say if you remember the beginning, you weren't there.

--Jase - Director of Acronyms and Soapbox Monitor
http://www.geekzone.com.au/~jase

PS: Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw
through the leather straps
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jase and all,

To answer your question on how it all began:

It all started in April 1998 when I published Vol. 1 No. 1 of
WOSSNAME.  At that time, we had 130 members, less than
1/10 of what we have now.

The newsletter coaxed lots of lurkers out of the woodwork,
and everyone started to write in, especially the Australians.
(Why?)  Suddenly there was a BU group in Australia, a new
editor in South Africa, and KFL members flooding in from all over
the world. Last time I counted we had 40 countries involved,
on all six continents.

--Joe, oldest living KFL /BU entity, if this is what you call living ...
<)8-)

PS: This all happened so long ago that when we held our first
(and last) election, we only got two votes sent in.  I took this
as a sign from Blind Io that elections were unDisclike and
have never held one again.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
11) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

PREDICTIONS FOR THE "NEW" YEAR

Delayed, I know.  I'm sorry. All this stuff with the grapes on New
Year's Eve made me exhausted, especially since they were in
bottles.  If they had been sausages, maybe I'd have more energy,
I don't know...

(Ed. Note: Since the year has already started, here's a wonderful
way to check the accuracy of these horoscopes.  Let us know
if they are working for you.)

21 March - 20 April
The Perhaps Gate

You start the year with a good stride, quite contented after the
holidays' rest. That's the way I like it, just forgetting those
little disgusting things life has. So what if your pet has a
terminal disease, if your bank account has been drained,
if your loved one is stuffing socks in the drains because she is
planning to flee with the repairman and leave you, literally,
up to here in poop? Life is nice. Uh... Hey, you, what're you
doing on the window ledge? Don't tell me you didn't know
anything about all that...

21 April - 21 May
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips

Now the holidays are over, it's time to get used to your lies
and compromises. I know you had recovered your links to your
family, but handcuffing your cousins to the living room's table
and setting traps to avoid your granny's traditional January
flight to Florida to slowly roast herself in the sun is overdoing
it a little. And no, your boss is NOT an ogre just because she
doesn't allow you to bring your mum to work to cook for you.

22 May - 21 June
The Two Fat Cousins

The fat twin has made some New Year's resolutions and
he intends to stick to it. Nothing will get between him
and his road to perfection.  No tobacco, no alcohol, no
pointless money wasting, no more allowing the members
of the opposite sex to do as they please, not to talk
about the family -- and above all, lots of exercise. Come on,
guy, go ahead. I'm sure you'll manage to go to the gym
twice before ending up in a bar with your friends, spending
the money you don't have to pay for someone's drinks
just because he has promised to introduce you to his cousin,
who happens to look really cool. Butyou'll have to be home
early, because you've promised to go with your mum to the
sales to help her with the shopping bags. Come on, guy,
live it up!.

22 June - 22 July
Wezen, the Two-Headed Kangaroo

This year looks difficult. A whole world of possibilities opens
before you, someone who makes any waiter despair by
spending three hours picking your choices from the menu.
A deep abyss opens ahead: Meat or fish? Self-employed
or just employed? Batman or Spiderman? Pizza or Chinese
food? Everything is just too complicated. Well, at least you
can try to flip a coin to decide but, with your luck, maybe
it won't come back down at all...

23 July - 23 August
The Cow of Heaven

You cannot stop thinking about your personal feats, writing
  the speech you will make when you finally get the Nobel
Peace Prize you deserve for pacifying your granny after
your cousin ate the last shrimp, and thinking of the best
way to avoid those paparazzi coming to your door to ask
you how you managed to look so astonishing on New
Year's Eve. You don't kiss yourself because you cannot.
Sooner or later someone will make you come back down to
reality, and you'll sober  up, but for now  just enjoy it

24 August - 23 September
Mubbo, the Hyena

Beware of the flu. There is a micro-organism around with your
name written on it. Talking about other things, I'd really look
around if I were you, because some things happen only once
in a lifetime and who knows how long you have?  Just hang
on to things.  And if the flu gets you, well maybe you will
recover later, but if you don't, you don't.  Think positive.

24 September - 23 October
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

Your life is settling down step by step. All those little things
that were making you worry will start going well, and that will
relieve you, since you normally leave everything for the last
moment. It's a miracle, maybe for once you will do something
well and will be able to stop pretending to be a decent person,
animal-caring and law-abiding. Yes, I know that you believe that
everyone thinks you are a psycho who likes to rip wings off flies
and then shriek for minutes like a maniac, but remember:
you're as normal as I am.

24 October - 22 November
Okjok, the Salesman

You, like Scarlet O'Hara before, have sworn never to be hungry
again. And you simply go through life with your fist lifted and
the firm intention of becoming a fighting-plane pilot, or at least
to ride a vulture and fly it through the fields. Ah, you thought
we weren't aware of your little secret? We've spent months
filming you...

23 November - 21 December
The Overworked Orang-Utang

You feel so enthusiastic about the new year that you'll spend the
bigger part of this month drawing messy diagrams of all the things
you are planning to do and achieve in 2003. Your whole life will be
programmed accurately for every minute, even writing down how
many slices you'll cut off each steak you'll have for dinner, and
how many times you'll chew each one of them before swallowing.
So much work, and all that paper will end up being recycled...

22 December - 20 January
The Celestial Parsnip

The holidays have left you soft and mouldy, and just as if you
were Prozac overdosed, you've decided to make other people's lives
a garden of tranquility and happiness. The Christmas' Spirit, of
which luckily the rest of us have been able to get rid of has taken
cover in this sign. From now on you'll be called Legion. Someone
look for an exorcist, please. Where's Father Karras when you need
him?

21 January - 18 February
The Knotted String

This year the Hogfather has brought you something not related at
all to sausages. Luckily for you (and much to everyone else's
dismay), this year you'll radiate charisma all over. Glamour. A smile
from you can move a thousand ships, and it's not that you have a
champagne-bottle face. You are dangerous. I don't want to see you,
I won't risk being sold a Shrimp Encyclopedia by you and having
to thank you afterwards. Please, don't go into politics. Something
should be done about you. I wonder if garlic will be enough or
or I'll have to look for something more effective...

19 February - 20 March
The Flying Moose

Pomegranate, pomegranate. This year, like a pomegranate bush,
you'll make your family stick together as an interesting and
joint clan with its picturesque and curious customs, its own
folklore and an animist religion based on the cult of the living
room lightbulb, which lights our lives, the fridge, which feeds
us, and the privy tissue-roll, which comforts us with its double
coating in our times of despair. Body-painting, tweed skirts and
showing your butt to the postman before charging into him waving
a frying pan and shouting 'Freeeedommmm!" is just the tip of the
iceberg. And myself, I don't feel like seeing the rest of it.  Get
a life.

-- Lady Aranluc

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
12) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  SMALL GODS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter
indicated into the spot shown.  Read the words
backwards and discover the name of a once-popular
deity who is having a lot of problems.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1992 Gollancz edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Example: Pratchett - 1st letter: ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. A Novice Master (4th letter)
2. Head of the Quisition (2nd letter)
3. Secretary to the Congress of Iams (1st letter)
4. Blind Ephebian philosopher (9th letter)
5. Claimed sand was just "worn down mountains" (1st letter)
6. The Chosen One (4th letter)
7. Invisible companion of St Ungulant (1st letter)
8. The Superior Iam (2nd letter)
9. Secretary to the Ephebian Tyrant (2nd letter)
10. Military rank of Iam Fri'it

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = deity with problems
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: REAPER MAN
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. A banshee with a speech impediment (6th letter)
        IXOLITE = T
2. Dead Rights activist Mr. Shoe (1st name, 1st letter)
        REG = R
3. Those who monitor reality (first letter)
        AUDITORS = A
4. Arthur Winking, Count ________ (3rd letter)
        NOTFAROUTOE = T
5. The oldest wizard (last name, 5th letter)
        POONS = S
6. Female farm owner who hired the unemployed Death (last name, 9th letter)
        FLITWORTH  = H
7. Agoraphobic bogeyman (1st letter)
        SCHLEPPEL = S
8. The Great Attractor, the Death of Universes (5th letter)
        AZRAEL = E
9. Female farm owner's hired hand (last name, 4th letter
        DOOR = R
10. Female farm owner's former boyfriend (1st name, 3rd letter)
        RUFUS = F
T_/R_/A_/T_/S_/H_/S_/E_/R_/F_/ = Undead activist club
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/      = FRESH START
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
February 2003 (Volume 6, Issue 2)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups.  Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
in your name and e-mail address.  Are there any dues?  No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Limericks Mistress: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
     Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) NEW TITLE: MONSTROUS REGIMENT
2) THEATER NEWS: AUSTRALIA AND ICELAND
3) PRE-CONVENTION T-SHIRTS
4) RINGLORD

====Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE DISCWORLD NOVEL HAIKU CHALLENGE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5) MASKERADE
6) CARPE JUGULUM
7) LORDS AND LADIES
8) SOURCERY
9) WYRD SISTERS
10) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS

====Part 3

11) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE
12) PUZZLE: REAPER MAN

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) NEW TITLE: MONSTROUS REGIMENT

Following THE WEE FREE MEN, being published this May,
Terry's next book will be MONSTROUS REGIMENT, coming
in November 2003.

Here's what Terry has to say about it:

"It's set in a war a long way from Ankh-Morpork.  All the major
characters are new, but a number of minor-and semi-minor
roles are taken by characters who have featured in big roles
in other books (in the same way, say, that Vimes was not
the lead character in THE TRUTH).

"It contains, in the monstrous shape of Sergeant Jackrum,
one of the most enjoyable characters I've even written.

"And the hero is a heroine -- that is, she's Polly, daughter of a bar
owner, who cuts her hair and steals her brother's clothes and enlists
as a soldier...

"I'm still on the final draft...:-)"

-- Terry Pratchett

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) THEATER NEWS: AUSTRALIA AND ICELAND

AUSTRALIA

Unseen Theatre company's upcoming production of THE TRUTH
will be presented at the Bakehouse Theatre, 255 Angas St, in
Adelaide, Australia, at 8 PM on March 28 and 29, and on
April 2, 3, 4, 5, 9, and 12, 2003.  Directed by Danny Sag, it
is the Stephen Briggs adaptation, with production managed by
Sean Venning, according to Sally Fudge, the group's Publicity
Director.  Here's their version of:

THE TRUTH SHALL MAKE YE FREE!

Hot off the press, Unseen Theatre Company brings you another tale
from Terry Pratchett's Discworld. This time, we delve into the dark,
devious and dirty world of journalism.

William de Worde, accidental editor of the Discworld's first
newspaper, is a wanted man.

His staff -- comprising two dwarfs, a lady writer, and a vampire
photographer allergic to his own flash -- want to help William
make "The Ankh-Morpork Times" a success.

A competing tabloid newspaper wants to put him out of business.
A zombie lawyer wants to sue him. The police want to arrest him.
A talking dog wants to be his informant. Two hired killers want
him dead.

And on top of all this, a man wants him to publish pictures of
his humorously shaped vegetables.

All William wants is THE TRUTH, but it's not that easy to get...

Bookings - Betty on 8296 2004
(7am-7pm, 7 days)
BASS 131 246
(booking fee will apply)

Tickets - Adult $14, Concession $12,
Group (10+) $10

Preview - March 28, all tickets $10
(only available on 8296 2004)

Theatre Dinner Deal - Thai Hutt Restaurant,
214 Hutt St, Adelaide.
Entree, main, soft drink and ticket for $30
only available by booking on 8296 2004

ICELAND

A most amazing breakthrough has been achieved:
A Discworld play is on in Iceland.  (In Europe, not the one
in Minnesota or wherever). One of the school drama clubs
is doing Wyrd Sisters.  Finally!  Of course, it's in Icelandic
but it scans pretty well.  For someone like me, who
practically knows the story by heart, it may seem a bit
fuzzy in places but the half-believers who were with me
loved it.  So, yay!  This is very possibly the start of a
better climate for Pratchett in Iceland.

--Kamilla, Reykjavík, Iceland
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) PRE-CONVENTION T-SHIRTS

Here's your chance to get your hands on an exclusive T-shirt,
support the Orangutan Foundation, and show everyone how
much you're looking forward to the Discworld Convention 2004,
all at the same time!

Available as of February 2003, the Pre-Convention T-Shirt
has been specially designed by the DW Convention artist
Rhett Ransom Pennell (also the WOSSNAME & KFL Art
Director -- see his KFL logo at http://travel.to/klatch).

This high-quality T-shirt features the Discworld Convention 2004
logo on the breast, and a full-size design on the back.

The shirt are available in three sizes (M, L, XL)
and three colours (Black, Blue, and Green).
Made of 100% heavyweight cotton, they cost
GBP 10.99 (US 17.36) each, plus postage
and packing of GBP .90 in the UK, or
GBP 1.50  (US 2.37) ((conv @ 1.58 on 02/27/03)).

Please do not send your orders to WOSSNAME or the
KFL, as we cannot handle them. However, you can
order online at  http://www.dwcon.org/pre_con_shirt.php
Your card will not be charged (nor your cheque cashed)
until your shirts are ready for dispatch (February 2003).

For each shirt sold, the Con will be donating GBP 1.00
to the Orangutan Foundation.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) RINGLORD

RINGLORD,  as Terry Pratchett might have written it

Frodo looked blankly at the garden. "Sam, is there a reason
you pulled up all the flowers?"

"Oh yes sir, Mr. Frodo, sir. Cause a them wassits,
the bugs gottem. Aye. Yessir."

Frodo turned his questioning stare back to Sam, "And I'm
  sure this has nothing to do with the fact that Farmer
Maggot has been buying them for ten-pence a dozen, either?

"Errrr....Oh no, not a bit of it, Mr. Frodo."

* * *

About that time, the visiting Archprocurer of Old and
Mostly Unwanted Documents to Stick on a Dark Shelf in
the Library, Gandalf of the More-or-less-seen tower of
Isenguard showed up at the Inn of the Prancing Pony.
The rough and tumble Eastern men eyed him suspiciously.
Which was not unusual, they eyed everyone suspiciously.
Including themselves, when they were about a mirror. "
Hello there, Barliman. Could you get me a pot of Ale?
On my credit, if you please."

"You've been running up a good tab lately, Mr. Gandalf,
sir. You sure you're good for it?"

"Oh, of course, Butterbur. 'Sides, the same law goes all down
to Mordor. The night watch'd have my hide if I tried to cheat you.
And its not like I expect some horrible fiend from beyond the
pale of mortal ken to fight me in a gigantic duel above an
ancient Dwarven City, leading to both our deaths, after all.

Barliman stared at Gandalf. "Errr... that wouldn't be a Balrog
you're a speakin' of, right?

"Exactly sir. I cannot possibly be speaking of a Balrog since
they don't exist. Hence I must be good for my debt. Haha."

-- Reprinted, by permission, from The Straight Dope, which
contains similar LOTR parodies in the style of  J.K.Rowling,
E.M. Forster, E.E. Smith, Dr. Seuss, Tom Clancy, H.P.
Lovecraft, Ray Bradbury, Ian Fleming, John Milton, Frank
Herbert, P.L. Travers, and many others.  If you'd like to
read them all, go to: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&
threadid=138905
(Courtesy of Ed Zotti.)
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
March 2003 (Volume 6, Issue 3)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups.   Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
in your name and e-mail address.   Are there any dues?   No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Limericks Mistress: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
    Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) THE WEE FREE MEN: A DIALOGUE
2) DISCWORLD INSPIRED DOLLS
3) NEW DISCWORLD COMPANION AVAILABLE
4) SALES OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE RIGHTS

====Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KFL MEETS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5) DANMEET 2.1
6) DANMEET 2.2
7) DANMEET 2.3
8) DISCWORLD MONTHLY

====Part 3

9) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE
10) PUZZLE: SOUL MUSIC

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) THE WEE FREE MEN: A DIALOGUE

PAGES: 272 (224?)  PUB DATE: MAY 2003

US PUB - HARPERCOLLINS (ISBN 0-060-01236-6)
PRICE: USD16.99 /  VIA AMAZON.COM  USD11.89

UK PUB - TRANSWORLD (ISBN 0-385-60533-1)
PRICE: GBP 12.99  / VIA AMAZON.CO.UK  GBP 9.09

Over heard at the Fortress of Avoiding The Neighbours:

'What's that you've got there in that plain brown wrapper?'

'It's a package for me. Go away.'

'But I wanna seeee!'

<various penguinish crashings and bangings>

'Hey, this is a copy of The Wee Free Men! But it's not published for -'

'Give it back! Mine! Miiine!!!'

************

'Have you finished yet? Have you? Have you? I waaant...'

'Oh, all right then. I'll be interested to see what you make of it. I
liked it very, very much, but even though it's sub-titled "A story of
Discworld", it doesn't seem like it takes place on *our* Discworld,
just on *another* Discworld. Like the Trousers of Time kinda
wossname. I think it takes place in places that are, um, places
that intersect with the Discworld we know. Even moreso than
TAMAHER.  Because there are references, see, to places and
things we know about, like Lancre Blue cheese, but most of the
book takes place in a land, well, it's more of a district maybe, that
we've never heard of before, and that isn't on any Discworld map.
It's a land called the Chalk, and it kind of reminds me of Blackmore
Vale, which is in the South-West of England and not exactly a
million miles from where Pterry lives. And the protagonist is
this amazing little girl, sort of like a very young Granny, who -'

'Want! Wanna seeee! Gimmegimmegimmeeee!!!'

************

'Hahaha! Ahahahaha! The Nac Mac Feegle are sooo funny!!!'

'Well, yeah, but I didn't giggle as much as you're doing, because I've
known so many Scotsmen in real life, and Pterry's gone straight to
the source for research heheh.'

'And the mousepipes...and the poet, the "Gonagall"...'

'Heheh, that's taken straight from the *real* William MacGonagall.
I've been a fan of his for decades. He was the worst poet in the
universe. Worse than Vogons. Nothing Pterry could make up could
possibly be worse than genuine MacGonagall poetry, but I'm
delighted that his, erm, infamy will spread when people read the
book. What do you think of the little girl, the heroine, Tiffany
Aching?'

'She's almost impossibly level-headed for someone that age.'

'Oh, I dunno. When I was even younger, *I* thought like that.
I think Granny would've been like that at her age. And Tiffany's own
granny is very much in the Weatherwax mould, if a bit more,
well, rustic and turpentine-y...'

'And where are the rest of the elves? Why doesn't Pterry -'

'That's what I mean by it seeming like a parallel Discworld. It's
*a* fairyland, I think, not the one we met in Lords and Ladies.
And the Queen is...subtly different.'

'But the Nac Mac Feegle are the same...'

'Well, yeah. I can see you've never met any Glaswegians.'

'And speaking of Granny Weatherwax -'

'Oi! Shush! We don't want to give *everything* away, now do we?'

<sounds of a penguin being bashed with a large herring>

'So what do you think? I liked it. I wish it'd been longer, though.'

'Can I have it back please? I want to read it again and again and
- ahahahahaha, those Feegles hahahaheeheeheehee...'

<exeunt omnes, with herring>

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) DISCWORLD INSPIRED DOLLS

Casually surfing the web, I recently came
upon a DW site that was a pleasant surprise:

http://www.world.std.com/~kcl/discworlddolls.html

Here is a series of DW-inspired dolls including
Death, Rincewind, Magrat, CMOT, Susan (as
described in Soul Music), Igor, Ponder Stibbons,
and several others.

I have no idea of what they cost, or even if they are
for sale, but they are well worth looking at.

Am checking out prices, etc., and will let you know.

-- Joe Schaumburger
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) NEW DISCWORLD COMPANION AVAILABLE

THE NEW DISCWORLD COMPANION
by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Briggs

PAGES: 280      PUB DATE: MARCH 2003

UK PUB - GOLLANCZ (ISBN 0-575-07467-1)
PRICE: GBP 12.99  / VIA AMAZON.CO.UK  GBP 9.09

This new version is actually the third edition of the
DW bible, and is a revision of the "first complete
revision" (1997) of the original work published in 1994.

According to Briggs, they had to "move some people
out" of the previous edition to make room for data from
the nine novels published since then, plus two more
books now in draft, material from six Discworld Diaries,
Nanny Ogg's Cookbook, and two editions of The Science
of Discworld. You might want to hold on to the
older editions, if you have them.

The new edition measures 6 x 9-1/4 inches, or 15x23 cm
for those who like metric stuff.  It is published in trade
paperback format, with a mass market edition due in
February 2004.

This is a vital book for everyone who reads and/or collects
Terry Pratchett's Discworld writings.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) SALES OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE RIGHTS

Colin Smythe reports on sales of foreign language rights
for DW novels:

Germany: Bertelsmann/Goldmann have signed up a 3-book
contract for NIGHT WATCH, Monstrous Regiment, and
Discworld novel 29, as well as THE AMAZING MAURICE

France: L'Atalante have just signed up THE LAST CONTINENT
and CARPE JUGULUM

Denmark: Borgen are going to publish THE COLOUR OF
MAGIC, THE LIGHT FANTASTIC and EQUAL RITES.

Norway: Tiden Norsk expect to publish MOVING PICTURES
in May 2003, and are signing up REAPER MAN. They have
already published an unillustrated edition of ERIC.

Spain: Plaza y Janes and DeBolsillo will be publishing trade
and pocket-book editions of MEN AT ARMS and SOUL MUSIC,
and DeBolsillo will be publishing pocket-book editions of
MOVING PICTURES, REAPER MAN and WITCHES ABROAD

Brazil: Conrad, having published the first three Discworld novels
have now contracted for SOURCERY and WYRD SISTERS.

Croatia: Marjan Tisak are acquiring licences for THE AMAZING
MAURICE AND HIS EDUCATED RODENTS, EQUAL RITES and
MORT. I believe they have already published COLOUR and LIGHT
FANTASTIC but I have not yet seen copies.

Romania: Noesis have published COLOUR OF MAGIC and
LIGHT FANTASTIC and are being licensed EQUAL RITES

Estonia: Varrak are buying SMALL GODS, LORDS AND LADIES,
MEN AT ARMS, SOUL MUSIC and THE DISCWORLD COMPANION.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
9) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Here we are again, same as every month. It's been a year since
I started torturing my brain cells with this, so I hope someone gets
some use out of it. Hey, this is an anniversary, or something...

21 March - 20 April
The Perhaps Gate

You've found the secret of how to do whatever you want. It is all
about ignoring reality and living in your own world of lights and
colors, in which nothing is very important unless it is in any
way about you. From egoist irresponsibility to criminal psychopathy
there is only one little step, and if you eat your neighbour's
kidneys with a shrimp sauce, you'll be on TV!

21 April - 21 May
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips

This time it's your turn to become Braveheart, clan leader. It's
only that you, instead of going around with a skirt, will use
a smoking jacket. In other words, you've gotten tired of working
for nothing and being exploited, and will set up your own company.
But first, your must find the only workers able to do their job for
16 hours a day, 7 days a week for practically nothing in
deplorable conditions and without complaining. And with papers.
Yes, I mean your family. By the way, shackles are
unconstitutional...

22 May - 21 June
The Two Fat Cousins

A change is just about to come into your life. Something completely
different, something new, something unexpected. Well, to tell the
truth, it has been expected for quite a long times. And this month,
despite all the neighbours' protests, your friends' irony and your
family's sarcasm will finally get to you and you'll change that
horrible hairstyle you were wearing. Just about time, kid...

22 June - 22 July
Wezen, the Two-Headed Kangaroo

You are a bit down, since that thing you've been fighting for for
so long does not seem to work properly. Just keep calm and keep
trying, you'll do it if you don't surrender. A vertical sweet potato
plantation over your house's roof may be scientifically impossible,
but if you find the proper formula (lysergic acid should work
perfectly), you'll make a fortune, unless the police catch you.

23 July - 23 August
The Cow of Heaven

It's time to study really hard. Keep yourself locked in libaries
and discos (some relaxation isn't all that bad) to find the information
you need to get to the goal you have set for yourself. There's
big money in cockroach farming, and once you set up
your chain of restaurants, CMOT Dibbler says the money
will come rolling in.

24 August - 23 September
Mubbo, the Hyena

One of these days you'll get up from bed and your mother will have
transmutated into Michelle Pfeiffer. Your father, sitting in the
sofa and scratching his belly, will be a perfect clone of George
Clooney, and grandpa will have a certain likeness to Jack Nicholson.
The horrible neighbour, the teenager with the boombox on full volume
at  7:00 AM Sunday, is starting to look like Leo diCaprio. No, you're
not nuts (not more than usual, anyway), it's only that you see too
many movies. Perhaps you should go back to reading Terry Pratchett.

24 September - 23 October
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

Suddenly you feel like knowing your fellow citizens' opinions,
their fancies, their aspirations, dreams, fears, loves, defects,
affections, their hates. Your interest will know no limit, your
curiosity will be huge. The best solution is to lie down until
these feelings go away.  Otherwise, someone is going
to punch you in the mouth .

24 October - 22 November
Okjok, the Salesman

This month you have to make an effort to be unconspicuous for
your own good. Place yourself in dark corners, avoid crowded
plazas, use dark-coloured clothes and, most important, don't
speak to anyone, don't look at anyone's eyes. If someone
notices your tomato-red skin, the tentacles erupting from your
head and your third eye in your forehead, you'll have to give
a lot of explanations about what you do on weekends...
Tell them you're just back from Discworld and have a bad sunburn.

23 November - 21 December
The Overworked Orang-Utang

You're quite given to misunderstandings. If you go to the super-
market for some bread, you'll probably walk out with an ironing
board or something. If you go to the hairdresser's and you ask
him to cut a little bit, you'll get a rastafari hairdress. If
you take your dog to the veterinarian to get it debugged,
you'll come back with a sheep. I don't know if it's your diction,
your null charisma or your face, but the point is that you're
going to have a really surrealist month.  Have you offended
any witches lately?

22 December - 20 January
The Celestial Parsnip

A favourable month for bursary inversions in high-density poly-
meic containers with refractary resistence to high temperature
and transparency to low-wavelenght radiation, for alimentary
use --- in other words, invest your money in micro-wave
Tupperware. Thet's the wave of the future, according to some.

21 January - 18 February
The Knotted String

You'll have diverse conversations with diverse people from your
environment which will affect your diverse opinions about diverse
affairs. Diversely. Okaaaayyy, the thing is that you've just
discovered the word 'diverse' in your dictionary and you are
anxious to use it...

19 February - 20 March
The Flying Moose

Although you don't have time enough for it, you'll try to take
it out of anything to go into your favourite hobbies: tectonic
speleology, dwarf crocodile hunting, and the ritual stick and
bucket dance.  Okay, you've never done any of that
stuff, but you always wanted to be Captain Carrot...

-- Lady Aranluc

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  SOUL MUSIC
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter
indicated into the spot shown.  Read the words
backwards and discover the name of Beau Nidle's
granddaughter.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1995 Harper Prism edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Example: Pratchett - 1st letter: ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The new owner of The Mended Drum (1st letter, 1st name)
2. Secretary of the Musicians' Guild (4th letter, last name)
3. A small flat troll, sat on by elephants (1st letter)
4. A guitar maker and author (1st name, 3rd letter)
5. AKA Adrian Turnipseed (2nd name, last letter)
6. A forgetful organization (1st word, last letter)
7. One of the Musicians' Guild's recruiting officers (1st name, 2nd letter)
8. A troll godfather in the Breccia (5th letter)
9. Stage name of Imp y Celyn (1st name, 2nd letter)
10. Real name of Cliff (1st name, 4th letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Beau Nidle's granddaughter
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/    

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: SMALL GODS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. A Novice Master (4th letter)
        NHUMROD = M
2. Head of the Quisition (2nd letter)
        VORBIS = O
3. Secretary to the Congress of Iams (1st letter)
        DRUNAH = D
4. Blind Ephebian philosopher (9th letter)
        DIDACTYLOS = O
5. Claimed sand was just "worn down mountains" (1st letter)
        GORDO = G
6. The Chosen One (4th letter)
        BRUTHA = T
7. Invisible companion of St Ungulant (1st letter)
        ANGUS = A
8. The Superior Iam (2nd letter)
        CENOBIARCH = E
9. Secretary to the Ephebian Tyrant (2nd letter)
        ARISTOCRATES = R
10. Military rank of Iam Fri'it
        GENERAL = G

M_/O_/D_/O_/G_/T_/A_/E_/R_/G_/ = deity with problems
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/         = GREAT GOD OM

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2003 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
KFL MEETS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

DANMEETS - AUSTRALIA

Dates: 20th and 22nd February 2003
Venues: The Eeevil Fortress of D'Apenguin (2.1),
the Spiffy Shrine of Buffy aka Bek's House (2.3)

Attending: Dan and Dru, plus assorted BURA members
by remote ant-link
(2.1); Dan, Bek, Matt, Paul, Dru, Steven, Jeff and
Surprise Guest 'Da Ref' (2.3)

** NB: this chronicler has no idea what went on at Danmeet 2.2,
but it included the rare presence of Jase *and* Lora, so someone
had better write it up! [Ed. Note: All taken care of.]

5) Danmeet 2.1

Dan rang the Fortress early and unexpectedly: "I've got my entire
Aerosmith CD collection and it wants a cup of tea, can I bring it over?"
Dru rushed to drive the dust bunnies back to their cages and hide
the leftover chilli herring mousse...

"Hi Dan, come in, you'll have to open the door yourself because I was
about to get out of the Uncommon Room, really I was, but PT's just
walked in and the Snow Queen and Looming Andrew are there too
and you don't mind making the tea yourself, do you?"

Yes, that's right. Dan drove all the way from Adelaide, which is
hundreds of somethings away from Melbourne, to spend
most of the afternoon chatting to non-Melbourne BU
members via the anternet!

But it was great fun, a massive pune-ing session, and tea did
get made eventually.  A partial copy of the day's Uncommon
Room pune party resides in the Fortress vault for anyone who
might want to read it.

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) Danmeet 2.2

This Danmeet started with Jase and Dan waiting for Steven out the front
of Steve's workplace while Matt came up to fetch him. They did their
best to blend in, with shorts and tee-shirts. Unfortunately, everyone
else in the area was wearing shirts and trousers and jackets and even
the occasional tie.

Lora phoned Jase and told him that she was on her way after walking too
far up the street. She told Jase to look out for somebody wearing a
chain as a belt. Unfortunately, the local bondage club had chosen that
same day to come out in public. Steven spent a very interesting ten
minutes introducing himself to ladies wearing chains and very little
else, before Jase reminded him that he'd already met Lora and knew
exactly what she looked like. Spoilsport.

Hours and hours[2] later Lora arrived. Contrary to reports, she is not a
hideously deformed creature at all, and Jase and Dan had to make sure
they kept a tight grip on Steven's collar to keep him under control.
After distracting Steven by mentioning lunch, he led the group off in
search of sustenance. First stop was the Japanese noodle and sushi
restaurant, but unfortunately it was packed. The group decided that it
would likely be days before they could even get in the door, so they
followed Steven to the cafe next door. Everybody ordered various
pastas, chicken curries, stews, or assorted other meals, then tramped
back to Steve's office to eat.

Taking over the lunch room, the group proceeded to make a lot of noise
and talk about a lot of nonsense. Steven's workmate Mike, otherwise
known as Matt's former school-chum Mikey, wandered in, and joined in
the conversation.

Steven handed out "The Star Wars Holiday Special" to those foolhardy
enough to want one. And then Dan's mobile phone rang.

While Dan was speaking on the phone, Lora called out loudly in her most
languorous and sensual voice, "Daaaan, come back to bed!".

Of course, by the Laws of Narrative Causality, it was Dan's wife on the
phone. Dan turned bright red, a few seconds later so did Lora when she
realised, and the rest of the table went into gales of laughter.

All up, a wonderful time was had by all, except for Dan who will be
getting divorced next month.

Everything in the above report is true, except for the bits that have
been changed to annoy the guilty.

[1] Note for Merkians and UKdians, in XXXX shorts are not underwear, but
outerwear. Generally they are like trousers but need less material. Also
known as "Stubbies" (but not the kind that hold beer).

[2] Would you believe minutes?

-- Steven D'Aprano
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) Danmeet 2.3

A full turn-out for this event, which was to be a BBQ. For the first
time EVER, Paul arrived later than Steven (who was an hour late).
Jeff was on cook's duty, and he discovered that it's possible to
achieve room-temperature nuclear fusion using nothing more than
plastic-skinned chicken sausages -- does anyone know what
the half-life of a BBQ grill-shelf is?  Soon came a knock at the
door and in walked the long-absent BU Referee, David Hopkins!
Re-introductions were made all round. After burnt sausages and
various other non-burnt foods we all convened in the sitting room,
where Bek, Matt and Paul presented Dru with a gift-wrapped
Scrabble set. Now Steven will *have* to learn to spell,
heheh.

Matt and David settled down to a round of  Evil Computer Games,
Paul wandered through the library (of course), and the rest of us had
Assorted Conversations and Divers Amusements. Dan regaled
those of us who had missed 2.2 with the tale of how Lora nearly
got Dan divorced -- hahah, now someone will *definitely* have to
write up that part of the Danmeet!

Highlight of the afternoon was a Buffyfest, during which a mystified
Dan and David were introduced to various episodes from various
seasons of Buffy, with a minimum of explanation. The questions
came thick and fast ("How come she's had sexual relationships
with two vampires? Isn't she supposed to slay them?") but a good
time was had by all.

Excellent company as always, but one of these days the Mel's Bourners
will have to get out Nanny Ogg's Cookbook -- most of us have copies --
and show the Sinneysiders how it's done...

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) DISCWORLD MONTHLY

Our heartfelt thanks to Jason Anthony, who  just gave us
a splendid plug in DWM, which has resulted in a steady
flood of new KFL memberships/WOSSNAME subs
beyond our wildest dreams.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
April 2003 (Volume 6, Issue 4)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups.   Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
in your name and e-mail address.   Are there any dues?   No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Limericks Mistress: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
    Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) THE WEE FREE MEN : TERRY ON TOUR
2) THE TRUTH: THEATER REVIEW
3) DOLLS AND IDOLS
4) SALES OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE RIGHTS

====Part 2

5) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KFL MEETS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6) TREEMEET (USA)
7) CHANMEET (AU)
8) SYDMEET (AU)

====Part 3

9) NOT THE DISC HOROSCOPE
10) PUZZLE: LORDS AND LADIES
11) ANAGRAM CONTEST
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) THE WEE FREE MEN: TERRY ON TOUR

Colin Smythe, Terry's agent, reports that Ottakars
evidently gave Transworld the wrong address for the
Inverness signing at 12.00 noon on 24 April, and they
passed it on to him.  The correct address of the new store is
Unit 69, Eastgate Centre, Inverness, IV 2 3PR

U.K. SIGNINGS:

Tuesday 13th May
12.00 Waterstone's, 65-69 New George Street, Plymouth, Devon
18.00 Ottakar's, 11-12 Boscawen Street, Truro, Cornwall

Wednesday 14th May
12.00 WHSmiths, 34-35 The Guildhall Shopping Centre, Exeter, Devon
18.00 Ottakar's, 37a Middle Street, Yeovil, Somerset

Thursday 15th May
12.00 Waterstone's, 50-54 High Street, Guildford, Surrey
18.00 Event at Guildhall Winchester for Winchester Library

Friday 16th May
12.00 Bookcentre, 120 Crockhamwell Road, Woodley, Reading, Berkshire
18.00 Hammicks, 60-62 St Ann's Road, Harrow, Middlesex

Saturday 17th May
12.00 Borders Lakeside, Unit 3 West Thurrock Retail Park, West
Thurrock, Essex

AMERICAN SIGNINGS:

Terry Pratchett will be one of the guests of honor
at PENGUICON (May 2 - 4 '03) in Warren MI at
Van Dyke Park Suites.

Following Terry's attendance at Penguicon, he will be
visiting Anderson's Bookstore, 123 West Jefferson Avenue,
Naperville, Illinois 60542, to sign books between
4.00-5.00pm on Monday 5 May.

On May 6th he will be doing a reading/signing at 7.00pm
in the Barnes & Noble Bookstore at 675 Sixth Avenue,
New York, NY 10010
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) THE TRUTH: THEATER REVIEW

Danny Sag, Director of the Unseen Theatre Company,
has forwarded a local review of their production
of The Truth.  In an e-mail interview, he reports that
attendance "has been pretty good so far -- 3 shows down,
and all of them have been 75-100% full. We still
have 7 more shows to go, this week and next!

We asked him about plans for his next Pratchett performance,
and he said that Unseen Theatre Company's next show will be
"Mort" in October 2003. Here's the current review:

"Whodunnit in a wacky Pratchett world"

THE TRUTH
Unseen Theatre Company
http://www.unseen.com.au

Bakehouse Theatre, Angas St, Adelaide
March 28 - April 12, 2003

Reviewed by Rod Lewis
Messenger Press, Adelaide, South Australia
http://www.messenger.net.au/pulse
---------------------------------------------------

TERRY Pratchett's Discworld novels unveil the comical
antics of a fantasy world that rides through space on
the back of a giant turtle.

If you can't suspend your disbelief that far, this play
may not be for you.

But the popular British author is renowned for his
biting parodies.

Adapted by Stephen Briggs, The Truth is based on the
25th book in the Discworld series and this time takes
a poke at journalism.

Sam Priestly is a solid leading man as William de
Worde, editor of the Discworld's first newspaper, who
finds himself investigating a murder and learning the
difference between what people need to know and what
they want to know.

Playing the "Prints of Darkness", Bryan Ormond is a
riotously funny vampire photographer afraid of his
own flash.

Sean Venning and Nik Hargreaves are delightfully
quirky as two criminals in the thick of the murder
mystery, and Pamela Munt shines as the zombie lawyer
who hired them.

Stephanie Lively can do with more bite as Gaspode
the talking dog, taking a few notes off Emily
Moncrieff's wonderful mannerisms as fellow canine
Wuffles.

There's more to playing a dog then just getting
on all fours.

Several of the enthusiastic cast reprise their
roles from previous plays by this company including
George Leaman as Commander Vimes, Sally Fudge as dwarf
Cheery and Damien White as the Patrician.

With Melanie Munt now in WA, Michelle Cioffi takes
over the recurring role of werewolf Sergeant Angua,
giving a darker and stronger interpretation to the
part.

First time director Danny Sag takes this difficult
script in his stride, showing great promise.

He keeps the story moving at a decent pace and
makes excellent use of the limited acting area.

Blackouts are kept short by an efficient backstage
crew and a good selection of songs but, as with
most Unseen Theatre plays, a little more imagination
could see them reduced further.

Costumes by regular seamstresses Sharman Gilchrist
and Tania Prosdocimo are up to their usual high
standard.

Good, unearthly fun. And that's the truth.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) DOLLS AND IDOLS

Following our report last month on the lady who makes
Discworld Dolls, we got an e-mail from her:

Hi!
I see in Wossname that you saw my Discworld Dolls
http://www.world.std.com/~kcl/discworlddolls.html

They aren't for sale, I just make them for family & friends.
They tend to sit on top of my Discworld friends' PCs.
But I very much appreciate comments and suggestions.
I'm now working on Nobby and Colon as they were in Jingo.
I had to stop to learn about modeling features and hands
onto the figures!
-- Katherine

And in a related e-mail, we learned of an Offler Idol
that you can actually buy:

Dear Joseph:

Perusing the page of the amusing and rather disturbing DW-based dolls
mentioned in the latest WOSSNAME, I was reminded of something I'd seen
recently that finally gives me a chance/excuse to contribute.

NB: If anyone's already seen and mentioned this to you, I take no
responsibility for the annoyance factor of net.lag...

Each week on Somethingawful.com, the site hosts Photoshop Phriday, a chance
for cyber-wits with too much time and Photoshop talent on their hands to
twist images of their choice to fit that week's theme.  This Friday's theme
was "Religious Toys."
(http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1367)
Among the expected slew of Christianity- and Judaism-based gags (with a
decent smattering of Islam and Scientology and a slight sprinkle of Buddhism
for flavor), I found this pleasant surprise:
http://www.somethingawful.com/inserts/articlepics/photoshop
/religioustoys/Spatule_crocodile.jpg

Or, if that link's too long to work with:
http://makeashorterlink.com/?R54631404

It's only a short time before shrines to Bibulous are constructed, I just
know it...

Sincerely,
Douglas W. Dlin

I tried the website and there He is.  The ad says He comes in the form
of a "complete plush idol and Offler Prayer Book.  If anyone gets one,
let us know.
-- Ed.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) SALES OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE RIGHTS

Colin Smythe reports:

THE LAST HERO - coeditions are being produced for Proszynski (Polish),
Talpress (Czech) and L'Atalante (French).

Proszynski is also going to be publishing a Polish edition of THE
UNADULTERATED CAT.

Italian: Salani are issuing Pier Francesco Paolini's translation
of PYRAMIDS as a paperback (originally published by Sonzogno).

Karisto will be publishing a Finnish edition of MOVING PICTURES.

Pocket are buying French language pocket book rights in
MEN AT ARMS and SOUL MUSIC.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2003 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
5) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

PONDER vs. POTTER

To the Editor:

Does anyone else see the resemblance between
Kidby's vision of Ponder and Harry Potter?

The moment I first saw Kidby's Ponder,  I had two
thoughts:
1) Yes, that's exactly what Ponder looks like!
2) I wonder if the strong resemblance to that pansyarse
     wannabe-wizard Harry Potter is affectionately tongue
     in cheek or meant to be nicely vicious...

I wondered who had copied whom.  Perfect description of
HP there.  I don't understand why he's the hero when
everyone else saves him from his own > incompetence.

I seem to recall someone sending in a link, a few months
ago, to a column suggesting - possibly *not* with tongue in
cheek, alas - that Harry was a gormless pawn of the
bloated, autocratic, nepotistic, privileged wizard class...;)

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin

HELLO CTHULHU

To the Editor:

Someone is secretly unleashing the ancient horror of Cthulhu
on the world of Hello Kitty...

> http://www.underwhelmed.org/

> Forget not the protective glasses...
>
> Cap'n Hector, finder of unspeakable evil.

Hah! Cthulhu me arse, that's just Doctor Zoyberg in
green make-up...

-- Noisy Cow
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
KFL MEETS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) TREEMEET -- PETALUMA, CALIFORNIA, USA

After several postponements, the first official Tree Meet began at
approximately 1:45pm[1], Saturday, April 5, 2003, at the home of Laurel
Carney in the family room of DOOM in the boring town of Petaluma,
California, graced by the presence of a bowl of chocolate covered raisins,
  and a rather splendid bag of Jelly beans, compliments of Holly.

In attendance were Laurel and Holly, various members of Laurel's
family wandering in to steal m&m's, the infamously ferocious Joey begging
for popcorn, and a serious lack of Discworld discussion.

After chatting for an hour or so about the yummy eye candy in LOTR, our
desire to move to Australia, the reasons we can't move to Australia, and
various other topics, we turned on the extended version of LOTR - FOTR and
proceeded to drool over Legolas and Aragorn[2].  At one point Holly
commented that how Frodo had been much cuter as a young lad, to which
Laurel replied that Holly was both crazy and blind.

At approximately 5pm, Laurel's mother reminded her that she had to be at a
school fundraiser in less than 10 minutes, so Holly took her cue to leave
and thus the first Tree Meet ended.  With luck, the next one will not be
planned at Ent speed.
-------------------------
1 - it would have begun sooner, but Holly got a little lost
2 - the plan had been to go see LOTR - TTT at the movie theatre, but
Laurel's mother was fearful of trusting her daughter's life in the hands
of Holly's driving skills, which was probably a smart move on her part
(see footnote 1)

-- A Certain Lobster
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) CHANMEET - AUSTRALIA
Melbourne, Sunday April 13th from 9.30am

BEK'S VERSION:

Bek, Jeff and Matt showed up around 9.15, so we went and played pokies
leaving Matt standing near the cinema box office :-P

B and Lora showed up not long after and we all laughed about the box office
signs saying "Box Office will reopen at 10am, when our movie was at 9.45am.
Jeff and I went and hassled the guy to sell us all tickets, and just as we
finished purchasing tickets, Paul showed up (even a few minutes early!!).

We all enjoyed the movie - my favourite part was the outtakes at the end
:-P.

Jeff headed to the car because he didn't want yum cha, then we decided that
none of us wanted yum cha either.  So we dragged Jeff back, and went to the
food court at crown and ate a wide variety of cheap food.

Jeff headed home for real this time to watch the motor racing, and we all
tried to decide what to do.  Lora needed to head to st kilda markets to buy
stuff, so we all went for a wander down there with her.  We managed to find
the right tram and not get lost either!

So, we wandered through the markets going "ooooh, I want that!!" and waited
for everyone else to drag us away, which is a very good way of not spending
money.  Unless you ask Lora if you should buy something, then she'll tell
you yes, every time.

We stopped by Luna Park to get fairy floss (cotton candy ?), and then headed
back to the city.  We decided to go have a look at Minotaur, but were told
by the tram people (who were in a car) that the tram line along collins
street was closed cause of a big peace protest further along.  So we thought
about walking, then decided that Lora would get too paranoid that she'd miss
the train home, so we stopped at Gloria Jean's for coffee.  And sat and
watched the flash flood :-P

We eventually left the coffee shop and wandered across to the station.  I
don't think B wants to know what the boys (Paul and Matt) were getting up to
with Lora under that umbrella!

Matt and I left Paul, B, and Lora at the vicrail platform, and that was
another mel meet.

-- Bek - writing her first mel meet report.
oooooooooooooooooooooo

STEVEN'S VERSION:

The ChanMeet began with Bek, Jeff and Matt arriving at Crown Casino at
dawn, three hours before everyone else. They watched the drunks
staggering out of the nightclubs and the compulsive gamblers take their
weekly ten minute break from the slot-machines.

Eventually Lora and B arrived, a flotilla of dazed-looking young men
(some of whom were definitely drooling) following Lora, who was dressed
in a belly-dancer's costume with black leather pants and jacket. After
B finally managed to beat them off with a stick, Bek made Matt stand in
line for an hour to buy the movie tickets while the rest of them talked.

The Jackie Chan movie, "Shanghai Knights", started at 9:45am. At 9:43am,
Paul came running up to the theatre, chased by a group of very angry
people. Many of them were covered in green paint. Fortunately Paul was
able to hide behind a pot-plant until they were gone. Paul denied
knowing why they were chasing him, although it should be noted that
after Bek and Lora threw him roughly to the floor and went through his
pockets they found a receipt from a paint shop.

There may have been other people there at the Meet, but they weren't
very important or were invisible so they don't count.

The movie was either hilariously funny or a complete waste of time,
depending on whether or not you like Shanghai Knights. But Jeff was
excited to see that some of the advertisements featured sports cars
driving really really fast, and Bek had trouble preventing him from
leaving the cinema then and there to go buy the advertised products.

(For the record, they were adverts for baby nappies and over-the-counter
rheumatism medicine.)

After the movie, they all retired to Lucky Chan's (no relation) for Yum
Cha. Lora and Jeff sat there quietly, staring with horror at the
many-tentacled creatures on offer while the others ate.

After the meal, Matt said something. Everyone was so shocked to hear him
speak that nobody remembers what he said, but his lips definitely moved
and sounds came out, so he must have been talking.

Lora had to go to work then, selling artificial flavours, salt and grease
(with a touch of chicken as a bulking agent), so she and B left. Not
long after that, Paul looked at his watch and, realising that the last
train to Melton for the rest of the month was about to leave, mumbled
good-bye and ran off.

That left only Matt, Jeff and Bek. That was when they realised that
nobody else had paid for lunch, so Bek made Matt pay for the lot and
then they went to look at comic shops.

And so another wonderful Melmeet came to an end. Every word I wrote is
the absolute truth, except for the lies. Only the events have been
changed.

--  Steven D'Aprano
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) SYDMEET - SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA
April 21, 2003 - 11 a.m.

This morning at 11am we met outside Galaxy in the City.
There was Cat, Bobby, Sel, Arabel, Timerryn, and Kate P.
We hung around inside the bookshop for around an hour l
ooking at books until Conman arrived at 12.

We then walked to Momma's Kitchen and had pasta for lunch,
and stayed there talking loudly for two hours. After that we went
to Kinokuniya bookshop and looked at comics and books for
another hour and a half, and went home.

--Cat
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
April 2003 (Volume 6, Issue 4)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups.   Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
in your name and e-mail address.   Are there any dues?   No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Limericks Mistress: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
    Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) THE WEE FREE MEN : TERRY ON TOUR
2) THE TRUTH: THEATER REVIEW
3) DOLLS AND IDOLS
4) SALES OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE RIGHTS

====Part 2

5) LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KFL MEETS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6) TREEMEET (USA)
7) CHANMEET (AU)
8) SYDMEET (AU)

====Part 3

9) NOT THE DISC HOROSCOPE
10) PUZZLE: LORDS AND LADIES
11) ANAGRAM CONTEST
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) THE WEE FREE MEN: TERRY ON TOUR

Colin Smythe, Terry's agent, reports that Ottakars
evidently gave Transworld the wrong address for the
Inverness signing at 12.00 noon on 24 April, and they
passed it on to him.  The correct address of the new store is
Unit 69, Eastgate Centre, Inverness, IV 2 3PR

U.K. SIGNINGS:

Tuesday 13th May
12.00 Waterstone's, 65-69 New George Street, Plymouth, Devon
18.00 Ottakar's, 11-12 Boscawen Street, Truro, Cornwall

Wednesday 14th May
12.00 WHSmiths, 34-35 The Guildhall Shopping Centre, Exeter, Devon
18.00 Ottakar's, 37a Middle Street, Yeovil, Somerset

Thursday 15th May
12.00 Waterstone's, 50-54 High Street, Guildford, Surrey
18.00 Event at Guildhall Winchester for Winchester Library

Friday 16th May
12.00 Bookcentre, 120 Crockhamwell Road, Woodley, Reading, Berkshire
18.00 Hammicks, 60-62 St Ann's Road, Harrow, Middlesex

Saturday 17th May
12.00 Borders Lakeside, Unit 3 West Thurrock Retail Park, West
Thurrock, Essex

AMERICAN SIGNINGS:

Terry Pratchett will be one of the guests of honor
at PENGUICON (May 2 - 4 '03) in Warren MI at
Van Dyke Park Suites.

Following Terry's attendance at Penguicon, he will be
visiting Anderson's Bookstore, 123 West Jefferson Avenue,
Naperville, Illinois 60542, to sign books between
4.00-5.00pm on Monday 5 May.

On May 6th he will be doing a reading/signing at 7.00pm
in the Barnes & Noble Bookstore at 675 Sixth Avenue,
New York, NY 10010
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) THE TRUTH: THEATER REVIEW

Danny Sag, Director of the Unseen Theatre Company,
has forwarded a local review of their production
of The Truth.  In an e-mail interview, he reports that
attendance "has been pretty good so far -- 3 shows down,
and all of them have been 75-100% full. We still
have 7 more shows to go, this week and next!

We asked him about plans for his next Pratchett performance,
and he said that Unseen Theatre Company's next show will be
"Mort" in October 2003. Here's the current review:

"Whodunnit in a wacky Pratchett world"

THE TRUTH
Unseen Theatre Company
http://www.unseen.com.au

Bakehouse Theatre, Angas St, Adelaide
March 28 - April 12, 2003

Reviewed by Rod Lewis
Messenger Press, Adelaide, South Australia
http://www.messenger.net.au/pulse
---------------------------------------------------

TERRY Pratchett's Discworld novels unveil the comical
antics of a fantasy world that rides through space on
the back of a giant turtle.

If you can't suspend your disbelief that far, this play
may not be for you.

But the popular British author is renowned for his
biting parodies.

Adapted by Stephen Briggs, The Truth is based on the
25th book in the Discworld series and this time takes
a poke at journalism.

Sam Priestly is a solid leading man as William de
Worde, editor of the Discworld's first newspaper, who
finds himself investigating a murder and learning the
difference between what people need to know and what
they want to know.

Playing the "Prints of Darkness", Bryan Ormond is a
riotously funny vampire photographer afraid of his
own flash.

Sean Venning and Nik Hargreaves are delightfully
quirky as two criminals in the thick of the murder
mystery, and Pamela Munt shines as the zombie lawyer
who hired them.

Stephanie Lively can do with more bite as Gaspode
the talking dog, taking a few notes off Emily
Moncrieff's wonderful mannerisms as fellow canine
Wuffles.

There's more to playing a dog then just getting
on all fours.

Several of the enthusiastic cast reprise their
roles from previous plays by this company including
George Leaman as Commander Vimes, Sally Fudge as dwarf
Cheery and Damien White as the Patrician.

With Melanie Munt now in WA, Michelle Cioffi takes
over the recurring role of werewolf Sergeant Angua,
giving a darker and stronger interpretation to the
part.

First time director Danny Sag takes this difficult
script in his stride, showing great promise.

He keeps the story moving at a decent pace and
makes excellent use of the limited acting area.

Blackouts are kept short by an efficient backstage
crew and a good selection of songs but, as with
most Unseen Theatre plays, a little more imagination
could see them reduced further.

Costumes by regular seamstresses Sharman Gilchrist
and Tania Prosdocimo are up to their usual high
standard.

Good, unearthly fun. And that's the truth.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) DOLLS AND IDOLS

Following our report last month on the lady who makes
Discworld Dolls, we got an e-mail from her:

Hi!
I see in Wossname that you saw my Discworld Dolls
http://www.world.std.com/~kcl/discworlddolls.html

They aren't for sale, I just make them for family & friends.
They tend to sit on top of my Discworld friends' PCs.
But I very much appreciate comments and suggestions.
I'm now working on Nobby and Colon as they were in Jingo.
I had to stop to learn about modeling features and hands
onto the figures!
-- Katherine

And in a related e-mail, we learned of an Offler Idol
that you can actually buy:

Dear Joseph:

Perusing the page of the amusing and rather disturbing DW-based dolls
mentioned in the latest WOSSNAME, I was reminded of something I'd seen
recently that finally gives me a chance/excuse to contribute.

NB: If anyone's already seen and mentioned this to you, I take no
responsibility for the annoyance factor of net.lag...

Each week on Somethingawful.com, the site hosts Photoshop Phriday, a chance
for cyber-wits with too much time and Photoshop talent on their hands to
twist images of their choice to fit that week's theme.  This Friday's theme
was "Religious Toys."
(http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1367)
Among the expected slew of Christianity- and Judaism-based gags (with a
decent smattering of Islam and Scientology and a slight sprinkle of Buddhism
for flavor), I found this pleasant surprise:
http://www.somethingawful.com/inserts/articlepics/photoshop
/religioustoys/Spatule_crocodile.jpg

Or, if that link's too long to work with:
http://makeashorterlink.com/?R54631404

It's only a short time before shrines to Bibulous are constructed, I just
know it...

Sincerely,
Douglas W. Dlin

I tried the website and there He is.  The ad says He comes in the form
of a "complete plush idol and Offler Prayer Book.  If anyone gets one,
let us know.
-- Ed.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) SALES OF FOREIGN LANGUAGE RIGHTS

Colin Smythe reports:

THE LAST HERO - coeditions are being produced for Proszynski (Polish),
Talpress (Czech) and L'Atalante (French).

Proszynski is also going to be publishing a Polish edition of THE
UNADULTERATED CAT.

Italian: Salani are issuing Pier Francesco Paolini's translation
of PYRAMIDS as a paperback (originally published by Sonzogno).

Karisto will be publishing a Finnish edition of MOVING PICTURES.

Pocket are buying French language pocket book rights in
MEN AT ARMS and SOUL MUSIC.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
9) NOT THE DISC HOROSCOPE
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sorry to report that Lady Aranluc's ever-popular Disc
Horoscope will not appear this month, since her
computer was stolen by dwarves and was made into
a splendid suit of armor, which is nice but won't help
you discover your destiny for April.

However, my good friend Manu found another amusing
article in his KFL newsletter for our Spanish branch,
and has sent it along to help out:

WHERE *NOT* TO READ DISCWORLD BOOKS

Strange as it may seem, there are some places or situations
where reading Discworld books is not the right thing to do. The
list is pretty big and about ten or twelve newsletters would be
required to cover them all. The ones below can be considered
the most representative; you'll discover the rest of them as you
go along. Believe me, you will.
             
One of the places where you should never read is on a subway
or bus. The explanation can be summarized in a word: ill-at-ease.
We are not talking about the clustering of a lot of people in a really
small environment -- we're talking about something worse. We are
talking about that disturbing, disgusting, awful, in a word, that
unwanted situation in which someone is quietly reading and
suddenly there are five or six "literary borrowers" around him.

They sit beside you, in back of you, and even stand in the aisle
next to you.  Before you know it, they are reading along with you.
Worst of all, the moment comes when one lurking reader has read
faster than you, and starts coughing and clearing his throat to point
out that he has already finished the page and hints that perhaps you're
reading too slowly.  You start to feel the pressure, along with a
stomach ache, a cold sweat and a longing to be five miles away.
Besides all this, you sometimes discover that the odors from
people going home from work are not the best atmosphere for
a rewarding reading experience.

Another bad place for reading Terry Pratchett is during a fire
in your home. The most reasonable procedure to follow is:

1. Leave everything you are doing and, no matter how, save
   your Discworld novel collection. If you have spare time, you
   can also save some lesser things, like The Lord of the Rings,
   Don Quixote, the Holy Bible, etc., but this is optional.
2. Cover yourself, with a wet blanket if possible, go back and
   get into the place again to rescue your PC.
3. Well, now you can take it easy. Just remember to phone the
   firehouse. Calmly tell the neighbours to leave the building.
    They'll be fun to watch as they scurry out, mob-like, wearing
    pajamas and inhaling the greatest possible amount of smoke
    on their way to the street.
4. Now everything is really over. As you pick up your favourite
   Pratchett book again, tell the ambulance driver to stop making
    all that fuss with lights and noises. Tell your brother to remember
    that third degree burns over 90% of his body are not such a bad
    thing and to stop screaming as it makes it hard to concentrate
    on what you're reading.

The third and worst situation to read Pratchett books is
during an evacuation. And no, it is not the same thing we were
discussing above. We mean... ahem, well, you know, er... when
you are sitting and making an effort, ahem, answering the call
of nature, ahem, and such. The solution is simple: the
only proper reading to do in the toilet is to read junk mail,
especially political stuff.  Best of all, afterwards you can
dispose of it quickly and easily.

There are many other inappropriate situations, and you'll soon
discover them. For example, you shouldn't read Terry
Pratchett while driving, climbing, painting your house, being
on a trial, in a hospital, crossing a road, taking a shower
or...  well... having sex.

Don't thank me.  It was nothing.

  -- Jay&SeSiNo
<SeSiNo@...>

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  LORDS AND LADIES
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter
indicated into the spot shown.   Read the words
backwards and discover the sign of the times.

(Note: all spellings are from the 1992 Gollancz edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Teacher of Esmeralda Weatherwax (last name, 5th letter)
2. Aide to Queen of the Elves (lst letter)
3. The Short-Tempered Queen of Lancre (3rd letter)
4. Lancre Castle Falconer (9th letter)
5. Old Threepenny's daughter (last name, 2nd letter)
6. First human to be killed by the Unicorn (last name, 2nd letter)
7. Name on Librarian's new bright blue collar (1st letter)
8. Mundane name of Diamanda (last name, 2nd letter)
9. The Royal Beekeeper (last name, 2nd letter)
10. Queen Agantia made him a Count (last name, 1st letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = The sign of the times
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/    

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: SOUL MUSIC
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. The new owner of The Mended Drum (1st letter, 1st name)
        HIBISCUS Dunelm = H
2. Secretary of the Musicians' Guild (4th letter, last name)
        Mr. CLETE = T
3. A small flat troll, sat on by elephants (1st letter)
        ASPHALT = A
4. A guitar maker and author (1st name, 3rd letter)
        BLERT Wheedon = E
5. AKA Adrian Turnipseed (2nd name, last letter)
        Big MAD Drongo = D
6. A forgetful organization (1st word, last letter)
        KLATCHIAN Foreign Legion = N
7. One of the Musicians' Guild's recruiting officers (1st name, 2nd letter)
        SATCHELMOUTH Lemon = A
8. A troll godfather in the Breccia (5th letter)
        CHRYSOPRASE = S
9. Stage name of Imp y Celyn (1st name, 2nd letter)
        BUDDY = U
10. Real name of Cliff (1st name, 4th letter)
        LIAS Bluestone = S

H_/T_/A_/E_/D_/N_/A_/S_/U_/S_/ = Beau Nidle's granddaughter
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/       =  SUSAN DEATH
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

11) ANAGRAM CONTEST

For anyone who isn't familiar with the joys of anagramming, the
idea of anagram-making is to take the letters of a name or phrase
and make a new phrase that, in the best possible circumstance, is
either descriptive of the person whose name provided the letters,
or -- one hopes! -- humorous. Or even, erm, vaguely clever :-)

The only 'rule' of anagramming is that all the letters in the name
or phrase must be used, and only used once. It's a bit like Scrabble,
really!

Some useful tips for Discworld anagrams: look at the chosen
character's name and see if you can make any Discly names
from some of the letters -- e.g., Lancre or Klatch or Dibbler or
Gaspode; then see if it's possible to make words from what's left.
Don't forget to consider relevant initials, common abbreviations,
titles and contractions -- e.g., Mr or Mrs or Mss, pash or skivvy,
U.U. or DTm, Lord or Sir, can't or ain't -- which can help to
use up those pesky extra consonants. And where necessary, be
sure you have a handy explanation for some of the...odder
anagrams.

And now, a demonstration. *Do* try this at home!

Havelock Vetinari = VIE OVER KLATCHIAN

Not only does this contain 'Klatchian', but it gives a nod
to Lord Vetinari's vital role in 'Jingo'.

Then there's the matter of his careful stewardship of A-M:

AIN'T HE A ROCK V. EVIL?!
'E VIOLENCE RIVAL AT ANKH
O, I'VE ANKH VERTICAL (an economic statement?)

A possible headline in the A-M Times about the rumours that
the Odium click-pit will reopen:

ANKH  TO ICE REVIVAL!

A description of Sybil's rendition of Bloodaxe and Ironhammer:

VALIANT VOICE-HIKER

...or a necessity in the U.U. job description:

HAVE V. OCTARINE ILK

Here's how the contest will work:  Pick any five of the
names below and work out a flock of anagrams for them.
Then pick the two best ones (in your opinion) and
submit them to Joe at  jschaum111@...:

CARROT IRONFOUNDERSSON
SERGEANT COLON
DETRITUS AND RUBY
COUNT GIAMO CASANUNDA
ARCHCHANCELLOR MUSTRUM RIDCULLY
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
MAGRAT GARLICK, WITCH-QUEEN OF LANCRE
CHEERY LITTLEBOTTOM
SUSAN STO HELIT
PONDER STIBBONS
KING VERENCE OF LANCRE
DELPHINE ANGUA VON UBERWALD
COMMANDER SAMUEL VIMES
LADY SYBIL RAMKIN
LEONARD OF QUIRM
ALBERTO MALICH
AGNES "PERDITA" NITT

He will pass them on to me and our panel of
judges who will select the best ones.  Each
selected one will count for ten points.  Thus
your score can be as high as 100 points.

If one person is ahead of all the rest, he or she
will be acclaimed as the winner and will
receive a prize.  If there are ties, we will have
runoff contests.  The prizes have not yet been
selected and any ideas you may have will be
seriously considered.

Right, what more do you need to know?

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin,  Anagrams Mistress
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
9) NOT THE DISC HOROSCOPE
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sorry to report that Lady Aranluc's ever-popular Disc
Horoscope will not appear this month, since her
computer was stolen by dwarves and was made into
a splendid suit of armor, which is nice but won't help
you discover your destiny for April.

However, my good friend Manu found another amusing
article in his KFL newsletter for our Spanish branch,
and has sent it along to help out:

WHERE *NOT* TO READ DISCWORLD BOOKS

Strange as it may seem, there are some places or situations
where reading Discworld books is not the right thing to do. The
list is pretty big and about ten or twelve newsletters would be
required to cover them all. The ones below can be considered
the most representative; you'll discover the rest of them as you
go along. Believe me, you will.
             
One of the places where you should never read is on a subway
or bus. The explanation can be summarized in a word: ill-at-ease.
We are not talking about the clustering of a lot of people in a really
small environment -- we're talking about something worse. We are
talking about that disturbing, disgusting, awful, in a word, that
unwanted situation in which someone is quietly reading and
suddenly there are five or six "literary borrowers" around him.

They sit beside you, in back of you, and even stand in the aisle
next to you.  Before you know it, they are reading along with you.
Worst of all, the moment comes when one lurking reader has read
faster than you, and starts coughing and clearing his throat to point
out that he has already finished the page and hints that perhaps you're
reading too slowly.  You start to feel the pressure, along with a
stomach ache, a cold sweat and a longing to be five miles away.
Besides all this, you sometimes discover that the odors from
people going home from work are not the best atmosphere for
a rewarding reading experience.

Another bad place for reading Terry Pratchett is during a fire
in your home. The most reasonable procedure to follow is:

1. Leave everything you are doing and, no matter how, save
   your Discworld novel collection. If you have spare time, you
   can also save some lesser things, like The Lord of the Rings,
   Don Quixote, the Holy Bible, etc., but this is optional.
2. Cover yourself, with a wet blanket if possible, go back and
   get into the place again to rescue your PC.
3. Well, now you can take it easy. Just remember to phone the
   firehouse. Calmly tell the neighbours to leave the building.
   They'll be fun to watch as they scurry out, mob-like, wearing
   pajamas and inhaling the greatest possible amount of smoke
   on their way to the street.
4. Now everything is really over. As you pick up your favourite
   Pratchett book again, tell the ambulance driver to stop making
   all that fuss with lights and noises. Tell your brother to remember
   that third degree burns over 90% of his body are not such a bad
   thing and to stop screaming as it makes it hard to concentrate
   on what you're reading.

The third and worst situation to read Pratchett books is
during an evacuation. And no, it is not the same thing we were
discussing above. We mean... ahem, well, you know, er... when
you are sitting and making an effort, ahem, answering the call
of nature, ahem, and such. The solution is simple: the
only proper reading to do in the toilet is to read junk mail,
especially political stuff.  Best of all, afterwards you can
dispose of it quickly and easily.

There are many other inappropriate situations, and you'll soon
discover them. For example, you shouldn't read Terry
Pratchett while driving, climbing, painting your house, being
on a trial, in a hospital, crossing a road, taking a shower
or...  well... having sex.

Don't thank me.  It was nothing.

-- Jay&SeSiNo
<SeSiNo@...>

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  LORDS AND LADIES
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter
indicated into the spot shown.   Read the words
backwards and discover the sign of the times.

(Note: all spellings are from the 1992 Gollancz edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Teacher of Esmeralda Weatherwax (last name, 5th letter)
2. Aide to Queen of the Elves (lst letter)
3. The Short-Tempered Queen of Lancre (3rd letter)
4. Lancre Castle Falconer (9th letter)
5. Old Threepenny's daughter (last name, 2nd letter)
6. First human to be killed by the Unicorn (last name, 2nd letter)
7. Name on Librarian's new bright blue collar (1st letter)
8. Mundane name of Diamanda (last name, 2nd letter)
9. The Royal Beekeeper (last name, 2nd letter)
10. Queen Agantia made him a Count (last name, 1st letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = The sign of the times
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/    

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: SOUL MUSIC
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. The new owner of The Mended Drum (1st letter, 1st name)
       HIBISCUS Dunelm = H
2. Secretary of the Musicians' Guild (4th letter, last name)
       Mr. CLETE = T
3. A small flat troll, sat on by elephants (1st letter)
       ASPHALT = A
4. A guitar maker and author (1st name, 3rd letter)
       BLERT Wheedon = E
5. AKA Adrian Turnipseed (2nd name, last letter)
       Big MAD Drongo = D
6. A forgetful organization (1st word, last letter)
       KLATCHIAN Foreign Legion = N
7. One of the Musicians' Guild's recruiting officers (1st name, 2nd letter)
       SATCHELMOUTH Lemon = A
8. A troll godfather in the Breccia (5th letter)
       CHRYSOPRASE = S
9. Stage name of Imp y Celyn (1st name, 2nd letter)
       BUDDY = U
10. Real name of Cliff (1st name, 4th letter)
       LIAS Bluestone = S

H_/T_/A_/E_/D_/N_/A_/S_/U_/S_/ = Beau Nidle's granddaughter
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/       =  SUSAN DEATH
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

11) ANAGRAM CONTEST

For anyone who isn't familiar with the joys of anagramming, the
idea of anagram-making is to take the letters of a name or phrase
and make a new phrase that, in the best possible circumstance, is
either descriptive of the person whose name provided the letters,
or -- one hopes! -- humorous. Or even, erm, vaguely clever :-)

The only 'rule' of anagramming is that all the letters in the name
or phrase must be used, and only used once. It's a bit like Scrabble,
really!

Some useful tips for Discworld anagrams: look at the chosen
character's name and see if you can make any Discly names
from some of the letters -- e.g., Lancre or Klatch or Dibbler or
Gaspode; then see if it's possible to make words from what's left.
Don't forget to consider relevant initials, common abbreviations,
titles and contractions -- e.g., Mr or Mrs or Mss, pash or skivvy,
U.U. or DTm, Lord or Sir, can't or ain't -- which can help to
use up those pesky extra consonants. And where necessary, be
sure you have a handy explanation for some of the...odder
anagrams.

And now, a demonstration. *Do* try this at home!

Havelock Vetinari = VIE OVER KLATCHIAN

Not only does this contain 'Klatchian', but it gives a nod
to Lord Vetinari's vital role in 'Jingo'.

Then there's the matter of his careful stewardship of A-M:

AIN'T HE A ROCK V. EVIL?!
'E VIOLENCE RIVAL AT ANKH
O, I'VE ANKH VERTICAL (an economic statement?)

A possible headline in the A-M Times about the rumours that
the Odium click-pit will reopen:

ANKH  TO ICE REVIVAL!

A description of Sybil's rendition of Bloodaxe and Ironhammer:

VALIANT VOICE-HIKER

...or a necessity in the U.U. job description:

HAVE V. OCTARINE ILK

Here's how the contest will work:  Pick any five of the
names below and work out a flock of anagrams for them.
Then pick the two best ones (in your opinion) and
submit them to Joe at  jschaum111@...:

CARROT IRONFOUNDERSSON
SERGEANT COLON
DETRITUS AND RUBY
COUNT GIAMO CASANUNDA
ARCHCHANCELLOR MUSTRUM RIDCULLY
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
MAGRAT GARLICK, WITCH-QUEEN OF LANCRE
CHEERY LITTLEBOTTOM
SUSAN STO HELIT
PONDER STIBBONS
KING VERENCE OF LANCRE
DELPHINE ANGUA VON UBERWALD
COMMANDER SAMUEL VIMES
LADY SYBIL RAMKIN
LEONARD OF QUIRM
ALBERTO MALICH
AGNES "PERDITA" NITT

He will pass them on to me and our panel of
judges who will select the best ones.  Each
selected one will count for ten points.  Thus
your score can be as high as 100 points.

If one person is ahead of all the rest, he or she
will be acclaimed as the winner and will
receive a prize.  If there are ties, we will have
runoff contests.  The prizes have not yet been
selected and any ideas you may have will be
seriously considered.

Right, what more do you need to know?

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin,  Anagrams Mistress
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MAY 2003 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) DISCWORLD BEER IS HERE!

To the Editor:

BursarVixen Enterprises is proud to announce three brand new,
exciting and exclusive Discworld products, for your delight and
delectation.

DISCWORLD BEER:

Our first beer in this new range is Ridcully's Revenge - a delightful
real ale, featuring a full-colour label with artwork by Discworld artist
Paul Kidby. Various pack sizes are available - only to over-18s,
of course!

'DEATH OF RATS'  LIFETIMER

This brand new product, exclusive to BVE, is a beautiful realisation
of one of the mystical hourglasses to be found in Death's Domain.
As this is the lifetimer of the Death of Rats, the decoration is truly
unmistakable!

DISCWORLD MUGS

These high-quality mugs feature the fantastic artwork of Paul Kidby.
Our range of designs includes 'Night Watch', 'Wyrd Sisters', '
Rincewind Running', 'The Librarian', 'Wee Free Men' and 'Family Values'.

All of these spiffing goodies are now available for online purchase,
using our secure payment facility. To see more details and photographs,
and to order, please visit:

http://www.bursarvixen.com/

...where you can also subscribe to our newsletter, and find details of
how to contact us. See you soon!

Karen Kruzycka
BursarVixen Enterprises

Ed Note: Would you like to have us review the beer?
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) PONDER vs. POTTER DEBUNKED

To the Editor:

Does anyone else see the resemblance between
Kidby's vision of Ponder and Harry Potter?

The moment I first saw Kidby's Ponder,  I had two
thoughts:
1) Yes, that's exactly what Ponder looks like!
2) I wonder if the strong resemblance to that pansyarse
     wannabe-wizard Harry Potter is affectionately tongue
     in cheek or meant to be nicely vicious...

I wondered who had copied whom.  Perfect description of
HP there.  I don't understand why he's the hero when
everyone else saves him from his own > incompetence.

I seem to recall someone sending in a link, a few months
ago, to a column suggesting - possibly *not* with tongue in
cheek, alas - that Harry was a gormless pawn of the
bloated, autocratic, nepotistic, privileged wizard class...;)

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin

To the Editor:

*sigh* Nobody copied anybody.  The stereotype has been around
since there were students and spectacles; besides, Ponder has
always been plump and HP is skinny.

Ponder first appears in print in Moving Pictures, with the same
description, but the name was first used in a stage production of
Sourcery, substituting for Rincewind's cameo in that story.  He had
the same appearance as far as I know: the archetype nerdy college
student.  Having been created, he then appeared in MP.  MP predates
even the idea for HP.  The first Kirby picture of Ponder
also predates HP by a significant length of time.

--Tamar Lindsay

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) WFM: ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW

To the Editor:

I managed to acquire a copy of Wee Free Men on Thursday
last week, and thought I was running late and missed the
comments.  Does nobody else apart from those in the Fortress
[Ed note: that's Steven's famous Fortress of Avoiding the Neighbors]
have it (and Kathy, as she has a quote from it in her sig), or are
we just not talking about it yet?  Or are new books something we
only talk about on a sub-list now?

-- Megan Ruff

To the Editor:

No, I'm one of the few people on the list to have bought WFM
so far, and we haven't seen many comments yet. Speaking of
which, below is a comment on The Wee Free Men. Those who have
not yet read, please avert your eyes during the spoiler space.

NOT

AS

BIG

AS

MEDIUM-SIZED

SPOILER

SPACE

BUT

BIGGER

THAN

WEE

SPOILER

SPACE

SPOILER

SPACE

WFM is a fantastic book, and very obviously PTerry. However, I got the
feeling that he was re-using many of his lines and characters. Miss Tick
felt like a very superfluous character, there for the purpose of a) telling
Tiffany what's happening, b) giving Tiffany the toad, and c) bringing in the
witches at the end. Well, I feel that the toad could have introduced himself
and given Tiffany most of the necessary information, and the witches really
didn't need to be there - they seemed to drop in to tell Tiffany a lot of
what she already knew, and to be the token 'established Discworld character
appearance' since Death didn't rear his skeletal head.

So, while I enjoyed WFM, it's not going on my list of favourites. It could
have been, but for things like the ones I've mentioned here, that really
shouldn't have made it past the first few drafts.

-- ConMan

PS:

If you're Igor and you know it clap your hands *clap, thunk*
Er ...
If you're Igor and you know it pick up your hands
If you're Igor and you know it then you really oughtn't show it
If you're Igor and you know it re-attach your hands
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) STO LAT OR NOT STO LAT?

To the Editor:

This is part of a BBC news article about the Pope's 83rd birthday:

"The crowd sang Happy Birthday as well as the traditional Polish
greeting "Stolat" which means "may you live 100 years"."

Do you think it's just a coincidence?

-- Fiona  msn: fuzbit@...
:O)

To the Editor:

Nah, the Pope is Polish you know.

[runs and hides]

-- Steven D'Aprano

PS:
"Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the
forces of evil: prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom,
no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat
leaden death, demon..." -- Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) THE AMAZING ASTI AND HER EDUCATED AUTHORS

I went to the 6pm signing at Hammick's Books in Harrow yesterday. We
weren't quite sure where in Harrow the store was, but figured it was
probably along the long straight bit between the pointy end and the
feathers.

I skived off work at 4, leaving myself 2 hours to go 10 miles battling
the Friday rush hour traffic leaving London. I say myself, but actually
the pilot was my long-suffering husband Nick whilst I played navigator
and interpreter to the AA website's cryptic instructions (why do they
always say 2nd exit at a roundabout instead of straight ahead?).An hour
and a half it took us, and though I was often tempted to just turn
around and go home, I still had Grampa Joe's instructions echoing in my
head (get an autographed book for the WOSSNAME Anagram
Competition!) and I just couldn't let him down.

So, we finally got on line at 5:30 and just managed to get in the door
of the bookshop. The line snaked around the perimeter of the bookshop,
up the stairs, and out of sight but we managed to only be about 100 or
so people back from the head of the line (stupid traffic). I had hoped
to be able to do a short interview (3 questions) with the man himself,
but looking at the line, my hopes were dashed. Instead, my thoughts
turned to picking out a DW book for the great one to sign for the
competition. My husband, ever helpful, suggested that we have him sign
The Making of Mistress Chloe, but I thought it might be better if we
had him sign one of his own books. In the end, I chose [SECRET] as even I
can make an anagram out of that one ::grin::.

Finally, after waiting on line a further hour and a half, we now have a
paperback copy of [SECRET], signed by the great one himself and he included
a secret anagram message! Expect the competition to be announced in the
next WOSSNAME. [AND HERE IT IS - SEE PAGE 1 FOR DETAILS]

-- MsAstria [AKA as my granddaughter Asti]

Vicereine Of Devious Knowledge - Adhoc (VODKA)
Mistress And Regent - Totally Inane Nonuseful Information (MARTINI)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
May 2003 (Volume 6, Issue 5)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups.  Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
in your name and e-mail address.  Are there any dues?  No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Limericks Mistress: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
     Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) FREE AUTOGRAPHED TERRY BOOK
2) HOW TO DO AN ANAGRAM
3) LANCRE WINE
4) SCRABBLEMEET REPORT

====Part 2

LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
5) DISCWORLD BEER IS HERE!
6) PONDER VS. POTTER DEBUNKED
7) WFM: ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW
8) STO LAT OR NOT STO LAT?
9) THE AMAZING ASTI AND HER EDUCATED AUTHORS

====Part 3

10) CLARECRAFT OFFERS TWO NEW DW MINIATURES
11) PUZZLE: MEN AT ARMS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) FREE AUTOGRAPHED TERRY BOOK

If you've ever wanted to add an autographed Terry book
to your collection, your day has come.

We have on hand, thanks to Terry, and some fast
footwork by my granddaughter Asti in London, a
special signed copy of a DW book which will go to
the winner of our Anagram Contest.

Here's how the contest will work: Pick any five of the
names below and work out a flock of anagrams for them.
Then pick the two best ones (in your opinion) and
submit them to me at  jschaum111@...:

CARROT IRONFOUNDERSSON
SERGEANT COLON
DETRITUS AND RUBY
COUNT GIAMO CASANUNDA
ARCHCHANCELLOR MUSTRUM RIDCULLY
GRANNY WEATHERWAX
MAGRAT GARLICK, WITCH-QUEEN OF LANCRE
CHEERY LITTLEBOTTOM
SUSAN STO HELIT
PONDER STIBBONS
KING VERENCE OF LANCRE
DELPHINE ANGUA VON UBERWALD
COMMANDER SAMUEL VIMES
LADY SYBIL RAMKIN
LEONARD OF QUIRM
ALBERTO MALICH
AGNES "PERDITA" NITT

I will pass them on to our panel of judges
who will select the best ones.  Each selected
one will count for ten points.  Thus your
score can be as high as 100 points.

The person with the highest score will be
acclaimed as the winner and will receive the
prize.  If there are ties, we will have
runoff contests.

2) HOW TO DO AN ANAGRAM
Some tips from Drusilla D'Afanguin,  Anagrams Mistress

For anyone who isn't familiar with the joys of anagramming, the
idea of anagram-making is to take the letters of a name or phrase
and make a new phrase that, in the best possible circumstance, is
either descriptive of the person whose name provided the letters,
or -- one hopes! -- humorous. Or even, erm, vaguely clever :-)

The only 'rule' of anagramming is that all the letters in the name
or phrase must be used, and only used once. It's a bit like Scrabble,
really!

Some useful tips for Discworld anagrams: look at the chosen
character's name and see if you can make any Discly names
from some of the letters -- e.g., Lancre or Klatch or Dibbler or
Gaspode; then see if it's possible to make words from what's left.
Don't forget to consider relevant initials, common abbreviations,
titles and contractions -- e.g., Mr or Mrs or Mss, pash or skivvy,
U.U. or DTm, Lord or Sir, can't or ain't -- which can help to
use up those pesky extra consonants. And where necessary, be
sure you have a handy explanation for some of the...odder
anagrams.

And now, a demonstration. *Do* try this at home!

Havelock Vetinari = VIE OVER KLATCHIAN

Not only does this contain 'Klatchian', but it gives a nod
to Lord Vetinari's vital role in 'Jingo'.

Then there's the matter of his careful stewardship of A-M:

AIN'T HE A ROCK V. EVIL?!
'E VIOLENCE RIVAL AT ANKH
O, I'VE ANKH VERTICAL (an economic statement?)

A possible headline in the A-M Times about the rumours that
the Odium click-pit will reopen:

ANKH TO ICE REVIVAL!

A description of Sybil's rendition of Bloodaxe and Ironhammer:

VALIANT VOICE-HIKER

...or a necessity in the U.U. job description:

HAVE V. OCTARINE ILK

Need more help?  Just write to Drusilla at
noisycow@...

Have fun!
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) LANCRE WINE

Walking through my local wine shop I
picked up a bottle of "Chateau de Lancyre" --
Bordeaux wine and quite tasty.

Of course they got the spelling wrong and the
picture on the label doesn't look like it's anywhere
near the Ramtops but it may be interesting to
see if there are other products around with
familiar names

-- George Duffield
somewhere near Lancre.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) SCRABBLEMEET REPORT

Venue: Eeevil SteVen's Fortress, Melbourne, Continent of Fourecks
Date: 10th May 2003
Attending: Steven, Dru, Bek, Matt, Paul, Hania

This was a meet a long time in the making - specifically, since
the long-ago last DanMeet extravaganza, when several
BUers gifted Your Humble Chronicler with a Scrabble set as
a belated Hogswatch present. As it was a luncheon Meet,
there was much discussion over the preceding week about
what to eat for lunch that day. In the end, we decided to
eat food, since it was the most popular choice.

Bek, Matt and Paul arrived together, half an hour early to
make up for the fact that Steven is always at least half an hour
late. Paul had come armed with some fine dwarf Battle bread
from the early Century of the Fruitbat. Admirable as this
was, it hardly compared with Steven's prize exhibit, a
Throwing Muffin that is now celebrating its first birthday.

After lunch, which featured oven-BBQ'ed chicken, Sto Lat
Salad[1], and the legendary Ecksian "sawdust snags" (these
are sausages which are guaranteed to have been in the same
district as genuine pig products for at least a millisecond),
we drew the curtains and watched several episodes of Buffy
- ones that won't be seen by the public here for weeks - and
then discussed the Ecksian and Merkin covers of Wee Free
Men while Paul, as usual, ransacked Steven's library. Then
Hania arrived fresh from posing as a nude model at one
of the local universities; no surprise there, since Hania is
as much a Roundworld version of the youthful Gytha Ogg
as one is ever likely to find.

The next, and most memorable, highlight of the afternoon
came when Steven played us a video of Pterry signing
Hania's bosom[2] at one of his Melbourne book signings
last No and a taped interview the Master had
  exhibdone that day in less...distracting circumstances.

This was followed by the obligatory jelly, custard and trifle,
and then the Scrabble board came out. Well, actually, Paul
was so overcome by the video clip that he made a hasty
departure (with odd booklike bulges under his jacket), and
*then* the Scrabble board came out. Our first-ever BU
Scrabble game was cheerfully incompetent, one of the lowest
scoring games of all time and space. Your Humble
Chronicler did her very best to lose, but failed to do so.
Hania kept us amused with saucy tales and constant
illegal pre-move dictionary consultations, while Steven
also did *his* best to slip in computer brand names and
geek/nerd game words and Matt pulled the looking-
miserable-and-lost trick so we *did* allow him to use
geek/nerd terms and Bek kept score and guarded the
letter-bag. Needless to say, the game got sillier and sillier
as it progressed, or degenerated, but that made it
  fun for all. At last, some eight hours after it
started, ScrabbleMeet came to an end and Steven got
seriously stuck into the leftover custard. All in all a very
good day!

[1] featuring lots of brassicas, naturally

[2] this is the absolute truth. Really. Oh, all right,
it was a latex mock bosom, but the look on Pterry's
face when he saw those disembodied bare breasts
looming over him was priceless. Hmm, I wonder if
he'll ever come to Melbourne again...

-- Dru.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- MAY 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10) CLARECRAFT OFFERS TWO NEW DW MINIATURES

Clarecraft has just released two Discworld pewter miniatures --
"Death on Binky" and "Death on a Motorbike." As a special
offer, they are selling these at 20 percent below the suggested
retail price until Tuesday, June 3rd. See their online store
catalog for details:
http://thecollectorsguild.com/acatalog/catalogbody.html

FREE T-SHIRT

Also, any order placed before Tuesday, 3rd June 2003 for
Discworld pieces totaling over 20 UK pounds will include
a free 2000 Discworld Event T-shirt. This is a strictly limited offer,
"whilst stocks last"!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
11) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  MEN AT ARMS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter
indicated into the spot shown.  Read the words
backwards and discover where the men at arms are.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1993 Gollancz edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Aristocratic Assassin in very reduced circumstances. (1st name, 1st
letter)
  Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. (last name, last letter)
3. Werewolf Watchperson (4th letter)
4. The Retrophrenologist (2nd letter)
5. The Patrician. (1st name, 1st letter)
6. The dwarf who made the Gonne. (2nd name, 1st letter)
7. An exploded dragon. (1st letter)
8. Lady's maid to Queen Molly. (1st name, 3rd letter)
9. Troll who formerly cleaned privies. (3rd letter)
10. Head of the Clown's Guild.  (1st letter)


__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Where the men at arms are
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Note: For some obscure cyberish reason, the page 3  I sent  out
a few minutes ago cut off just before the solution to last month's
puzzle.  Here is the full text:

WOSSNAME -- MAY 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10) CLARECRAFT OFFERS TWO NEW DW MINIATURES

Clarecraft has just released two Discworld pewter miniatures --
"Death on Binky" and "Death on a Motorbike." As a special
offer, they are selling these at 20 percent below the suggested
retail price until Tuesday, June 3rd. See their online store
catalog for details:
http://thecollectorsguild.com/acatalog/catalogbody.html

FREE T-SHIRT

Also, any order placed before Tuesday, 3rd June, 2003 for
Discworld pieces totalling over 20 UK pounds will include
a free 2000 Discworld Event t-shirt. This is a strictly limited offer,
"whilst stocks last"!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
11) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  MEN AT ARMS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter
indicated into the spot shown.   Read the words
backwards and discover where the men at arms are.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1993 Gollancz edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Aristocratic Assassin in very reduced circumstances. (1st name, 1st
letter)
  Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. (last name, last letter)
3. Werewolf Watchperson (4th letter)
4. The Retrophrenologist (2nd letter)
5. The Patrician. (1st name, 1st letter)
6. The dwarf who made the Gonne. (2nd name, 1st letter)
7. An exploded dragon. (1st letter)
8. Lady's maid to Queen Molly. (1st name, 3rd letter)
9. Troll who formerly cleaned privies. (3rd letter)
10. Head of the Clown's Guild.  (1st letter)


__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = Where the men at arms are
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: LORDS AND LADIES
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. Teacher of Esmeralda Weatherwax (last name, 5th letter)
        NANNY GRIPES = E
2. Aide to Queen of the Elves (lst letter)
        LORD LANKIN  = L
3. The Short-Tempered Queen of Lancre (3rd letter)
        QUEEN YNCI = C
4. Lancre Castle Falconer (9th letter)
        HODGESAARGH = R
5. Old Threepenny's daughter (last name, 2nd letter)
        AGNES NITT = I
6. First human to be killed by the Unicorn (last name, 2nd letter)
        WILLIAM SCROPE = C
7. Name on Librarian's new bright blue collar (1st letter)
        PONGO = P
8. Mundane name of Diamanda (last name, 2nd letter)
        LUCY TOCKLEY = O
9. The Royal Beekeeper (last name, 2nd letter)
        MR BROOKS = R
10. Queen Agantia made him a Count (last name, 1st letter)
        GIAMO CASANUNDA = C

E_/L_/C_/R_/I_/C_/P_/O_/R_/C_/ = The sign of the times
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/      =  CROP CIRCLE
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2003 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

5) PONDER vs. POTTER  CORRECTED

To the Editor:

Quoting my submission:

> To the Editor:
>
> *sigh* Nobody copied anybody.  The stereotype has been around
> since there were students and spectacles; besides, Ponder has
> always been plump and HP is skinny.
>
> Ponder first appears in print in Moving Pictures, with the same
> description, but the name was first used in a stage production of
> Sourcery, substituting for Rincewind's cameo in that story.

Argh.  I meant in a stage production of_Mort_ - in _Sourcery_, Rincewind
has considerably more than a cameo role.

Hoping I have learned to check my facts before posting rather than after,
I remain:

--Tamar Lindsay

P.S. I loved WFM.  I hope we see more of Miss Tick, even if we don't get
to see more of Tiffany.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) A DWARF COMPLAINT FROM ICELAND

(In regard to our puzzle description of the Gonne as
being made by Bjorn Hammerhock in the May issue.)

To the Editor:

No DWARF *made* the Gonne.  It was invented and most
likely built by Leonard of Quirm.  The dwarf only mended it.

-- Sigríđurkamillali

Ed: Our humblest apologies.  You are 100% right.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) DISCWORLD MUGS AND ALE TO FILL THEM WITH?

To the Editor:

For those of you who don't read your WOSSNAME
(for shame!), this link was in the previous issue:

http://www.bursarvixen.com/merchandise.php3

Not all the mug illustrations are pictured but IIRC from
the Kidby Hogswatch cards, "Family Values" is a
portrait of Death, Susan, Albert and Death of Rats.  Note also
the Death of Rats Lifetimer in the lower left corner of the
page -- sweet, innit! I wonder if the sand pours :-)

Oh, and there's also a company that sells Discworld ale --

~ stands back from the *swoosh* of certain wizzardly drinkers
racing to catch up with WOSSNAME ~

-- Karen Kruzycka
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) MORT IN CANADA

To the Editor:

I am directing Stephen Brigg's adaptation of "MORT"
next March.   I am trying to discover if we are the first
time the play has been done in Canada.   Mr. Briggs
was unable to remember, so I thought that the next best
place to look would be with The North American
Discworld Society.   Do you know anyone that might have
this bit of trivia?

Graham A. Yeates
Director of KWLT's 2004 Amateur production of
Terry Pratchett's "Mort", as adapted for the stage
by Stephen Briggs.
March 11-13 & 18-20, 2004

(Editor:  Any of our alert Canadian or US readers
ever heard of a Mort production in Canada?)

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
KFL MEETS FROM AROUND  THE WORD
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) LOONIEMEET (AUSTRALIA)

LoonieMeet aka Accidental Melmeet
Date: 22 June 2003
Venues: various places in a part of Melbourne including Big Mad
      Adrian's Play, Columbo's Restaurant, The Oggery, and  A
Nefarious Nightclub
Present: SteVen, Dru, Bek, Matt, Hania
Also present: SteVen's friend David, Big Mad Adrian and a
       cast of Professional Loonies

SteVen and self decided to go to a matinee performance of Big
Mad Adrian's latest play, 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest'.
Having heard that Bek and Matt might also attend (since they'd
so enjoyed BMA's previous play that they went twice!) but
not getting confirmation, we decided to Oggnap Hania, so we
went to the Oggery, where we admired Hania's new slav^H^H^H
boyfriend and the latest additions to her wondrous collection
of model crones (really!) and thence to the playhouse. On the
way, Hania regaled us with amazing tales of a Hogswatch
party she'd been to the previous night -- some Ecksians celebrate
Hogswatch on what they foolishly refer to as the "winter"
solstice, i.e. 21 June -- apparently everyone came in costume
(including two Deaths, a creditable Nobby complete with
membership-in-human-race certificate, assorted Nannys and
Magrats, a Sybil Ramkin complete with dragon, a Bursar
complete with Dried Frog Pills, and even a Luggage covered
with little feet!), and ate copiously of various dishes from Nanny
Ogg's Cookbook; sadly, no-one thought to take pictures. Waah!
On the way to the playhouse we regaled SteVen with too many
verses of A Wizard's Staff to count.

Alone at our playhouse table, we were suddenly joined by surprise
visitor David, and then by Bek and Matt. Hurrah! Then the play
began. Hania, who had never even met Big Mad Adrian (who
BTW is SteVen's brother), again showed her Oggish nature -- not
five minutes into the play, she boggled and grabbed the programme
and frantically leafed through it and had to suppress gleeful
giggles. "See that bloke over on stage right? " she hissed in her idea
of a stage whisper. "The one who's playing Loonie In Red Jumper?
He's one of my ex-boyfriends! I didn't even know he was an actor,
hahaha..." The play was excellent (of course). We are supporting BMA
to the hilt because he is thinking of producing a play of The Truth
next year, starring himself as either de Worde or Vetinari, and his
little fat Spaniel, Ralph, as Wuffles. Wouldn't that be wonderful!

After the curtain calls, we all mingled with the cast. There was much
laughter, and much hugging of ex-boyfriends and new acquaintances
(definite spark between BMA and Hania, muhahaha), climaxed by Bek
and Hania springing excitedly into the prop hospital bed to demonstrate,
erm, Tea At Mrs Palm's. Luckily this time there *were* pictures taken
by a cast member, and who knows but what we might even be able to get
our hands on them and share them with you soon :-) At BMA's request,
all of us except David joined him and some of the cast for a lively meal
at Columbo's Italian restaurant, where among other things we discussed
possible casting for The Truth. The hours flew away, and suddenly
Hania realised that it was time for her to meet a previous appointment
at A Nefarious Nightclub - so most of the party joined her! It is worth
noting that Hania left the restaurant with BMA and they didn't show
up at the Nefarious Nightclub for several hours...muhahahaha...

All in all a tremendous day and night. So much so that we're
thinking of doing it all over again next week-end. Big Mad Adrian
truly is a very talented young actor with a promising future...and Ralph
would make a great Wuffles.

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
-------------------------------------------------------
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE -- EXAM TIME

With all those exams at hand, I think that if you ever needed some
advice, the time is now. That's me being nice.  If you don't get
to read this until after you've taken your exams, don't worry.
You've probably flunked them and will need to take a makeup.

21 March - 20 April
The Perhaps Gate

Don't hurry, that's the point. Hurrying wouldn't make any sense and
you know that. Have you ever began studying with enough time to be
prepared for the exams? You haven't, have you? Then, how do you know
you'll get better marks by doing so? And anyway it's too late now...

21 April - 21 May
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips

You need some calm moments in the examination chaos that your life
is turning into. Take your time, adopt the lotus stance and just
levitate for a while over the incense smoke. I don't know if this
will be useful to help you pass, but it *will* be useful to survive.

22 May - 21 June
The Two Fat Cousins

Waves and waves of exams are coming over you, but instead of being
afraid of them, you take your metaphorical surfing board and let
yourself go with them, over them, beyond the shores of knowledge.
Look, I know that your friends have given you some useful advice
about having some of 'that' to improve your studying, but I don't
know if it's really a good idea.  Just don't fall off the surfboard.

22 June - 22 July
Wezen, the Two-Headed Kangaroo

This is a very delicate moment for you. You get obsessed about
details, you see your huge piles of books full of blank spaces,
and doubts are corroding you, but that's nothing compared to the
feelings your teachers have every time they see you turning the
corner, heading for their office. You won't pass your exams earlier
by means of asking questions all the time, and maybe they're plotting
to do some voodoo to get rid of you.  Keep a close eye on your
fingernail clippings and loose hairs.

23 July - 23 August
The Cow of Heaven

You've decided that the best way to study is to do it in group,
so you're trying to bring your whole classroom into the library,
to organize them in little cells whose members will be chosen
by their special abilities, to study exhaustively a part of the
subject and then share that knowledge with the rest. Just stop.
Your classmates are beginning to get fed up with you. Just
admit that you only want a lot of people to whisper the answers
of the exams to you so that you don't have to study at all...

24 August - 23 September
Mubbo, the Hyena

Something new and wonderful will come into your life, a ray of
light which will break through the clouds of confusion that were
surrounding you. An epiphany, a revelation, the solution to
all your problems now and always: you'll soon discover that
copying is not as bad (or hard, now you come to think of it)
as it seems. Hallelujah, brother.

24 September - 23 October
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

Exams always come in the worst moment, when life gets too
interesting to lose your time at home in front of a book.
I know that the notes you took in class have cobwebs
in them, that trying to decipher them at this time would
require a Rosetta Stone, but you'll have to pass some exams
from time to time, admit it. Borrowing someone else's notes
may be the solution you need.

24 October - 22 November
Okjok, the Salesman

I know you have a certain tendency to trip two (hundred) times
over the same stone, but it's about time for you to learn the
lesson. It doesn't matter how many bumps you get in your head,
it's now or never. Stone no. 1: Don't go to parties the night
before an examination. Stone no. 2: Begin studying two days
before does not necessarily imply that you'll pass. Stone no.
3: Throwing dice to decide which parts of the subject you'll
study is not a good idea. I'm sure you can keep on enumerating
stones by yourself... Unlike athletes, sex will not weaken
your mental powers, so go for it.

23 November - 21 December
The Overworked Orang-Utang

It's time to get into the cocoon of study and keep being
there accumulating knowledge, coming out a month later,
as a passed butterfly. Or something like that. What I
mean is that you should stop going out with your friends and
start studying, not that you should become a drag queen ... unless that's
what you want to do with your life, in which case,
good luck, honey!

22 December - 20 January
The Celestial Parsnip

You can't live apart from the rest of the world, caring only
about your needs. There is a lot of people out there with their
dreams, needing your help to work themselves into real people.
Be helpful, be kind, don't cover your examination papers with
your arms. That guy on your right needs you... Help him fail, too.

21 January - 18 February
The Knotted String

Your doubts are awful. You don't know if you must keep fighting
or if the time has come to surrender, and that's destroying you.
Which subjects you should leave, and which ones you should study?
Great dilemma. You can't cover everything, but you don't know
what to choose. In my opinion, and if you're so stressed out, just
go to every single examination you have. You can't fail them all.
Prayer is good.

19 February - 20 March
The Flying Moose

It's in times like these when your real talent comes up, when
everyone admits they need you and you can enjoy helping everybody
to improve their life quality. Everybody knows that your crib sheets
are the best in the word, the most exact and summarized, the most
undetectable. Enjoy, this is your moment.  Afterwards, sell them
to those who flunked.

-- Lady Aranluc

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
11) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  INTERESTING TIMES
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.    Read the letters backwards and
discover who conquered the Agatean Empire.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1997 HarperPrism edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The new emperor (last name, 4th letter)
2. Purveyor of Hundred-Year-Old-Eggs in Hunghung (1st letter)
3. One of Twoflower's daughters, the realist (6th letter)
4. A noble who wants to be emperor (2nd letter)
5. Elderly barbarian who fights in his wheelchair (last name, 1st  letter)
6. An Agatean cannon (1st name, 3rd letter)
7. A spy and agent provocateur for #4 above (last name, 2nd letter)
8. Teach (last name, 3rd letter)
9.  Master of Protocol ( 2nd name, 1st letter)
10. Langtang Collector of Revenues (1st name, 2nd letter)
11. Twoflower's other daughter, the optimist (1st name, 5th letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/   = Conquerors of the Agatean Empire
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/11/ 

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: MEN AT ARMS
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. Aristocratic Assassin in very reduced circumstances. (1st name, 1st lett
er)
        EDWARD D'EATH = E
2. Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. (last name, last letter)
        SAMUEL VIMES = S
3. Werewolf Watchperson (4th letter)
        ANGUA = U
4. The Retrophrenologist (2nd letter)
        ZORGO = O
5. The Patrician. (1st name, 1st letter)
        HAVELOCK VETINARI = H
6. The dwarf who made the Gonne. (2nd name, 1st letter)
        BJORN HAMMERHOCK = H
7. An exploded dragon. (1st letter)
        CHUBBY = C
8. Lady's maid to Queen Molly. (1st name, 3rd letter)
        LETTICE KNIBBS = T
9. Troll who formerly cleaned privies. (3rd letter)
        COALFACE = A
10. Head of the Clown's Guild.   (1st letter)
        WHITEFACE = W

E_/S_/U_/O_/H_/H_/C_/T_/A_/W_/ = Where the men at arms are
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/........= WATCH HOUSE    
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
June 2003 (Volume 6, Issue 6)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups.   Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
in your name and e-mail address.   Are there any dues?   No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Limericks Mistress: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
     Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) MONSTROUS REGIMENT:  A REVIEW
2) WOSSNAME APPOINTS MANAGING EDITOR
3) TERRY AND THE WEE FREE MEN
4) ANOTHER FEW WORDS FROM THE MASTER

====Part 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5) PONDER VS. POTTER CORRECTED
6) A DWARF COMPLAINT FROM ICELAND
7) DISCWORLD MUGS AND ALE TO FILL THEM WITH
8) MORT IN CANADA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KFL REPORTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9) LOONIEMEET, AUSTRALIA

====Part 3

10) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
11) PUZZLE: INTERESTING TIMES
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) MONSTROUS REGIMENT:  REVIEW

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
US Publisher: HarperCollins       Pubdate:October 2003
List Price: USD 24.95          Amazon Price: USD 17.47
Pages: 320   Hardcover  ISBN 006001315X
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
UK Publisher: Doubleday            Pubdate: 2 October 2003
List Price: GBP 17.99           Amazon.UK Price: 12.59
Pages: 329   Hardcover  ISBN 0385603401
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Terry Pratchett's latest Discworld novel, Monstrous Regiment, is
a Saga of Pride, Passione, Bad Foode and Spinne Doctoring in a
Worlde Gone Madde.

It's also a stirring tale of mistaken identities and misplaced
loyalties and what it *really* means to be a Big Girl's Blouse in
the company of rough, tough Men of War.

But mostly, it's a story about socks.

Monstrous Regiment takes place in the bantam (for which read
small and badly-organised but insanely proud and aggressive,
and always trying to sink its spurs into anything vaguely near
the henhouse) country of Borogravia, a morose, grimly Slavonic
nation ruled by an ancient widowed Duchess who hasn't been
seen in public for thirty years. Borogravia is also the bailiwick of
the smallish god Nuggan, who was last seen being socially
excluded by the bigger cheeses of Cori Celesti in The Last Hero,
and no wonder - his attitude to godding it seems to be "I may
not be the most powerful or fashionable of deities, I may not have
a big sphere of influence, but I can sure make life bloody
miserable for the worshippers I *do* have," so the Book of Nuggan
grows constantly thicker with an ever more capricious list of
Abominations: chocolate, garlic, mushrooms, jigsaw puzzles, ears,
babies, the colour blue...and to complicate matters further, Nuggan
also Abominates the recently installed Clacks towers. Hmm, did
I mention that we can assume that they were installed by Ankh-Morpork
interests? Oops. Bad move, Nuggan.

Into this repressive stew comes Polly Perks, a dangerously
modern-minded innkeeper's daughter who decides to cut off her
hair, disguise herself (badly) as a young man, and join the army.
At first, her only reason for doing this is in the hopes of tracking
down her simple-minded, gentle brother Paul, also a soldier; not
only did she promise always to look after him, but she needs to
make sure he's safe and sound because it's the only way she'll be
able to carry on running the family pub once their father dies.
(Did I mention that Nuggan Abominates women owning
property? - or wearing trousers? - or learning to write? - or...) But
once she's scammed her way into the Tenth Foot, also known
as The Ins-and-Outs or the jolly old Cheesemongers, and found
herself in the company of a gaggle of "fellow" recruits who *also*
need looking after and a big, bad, crusty sergeant who keeps
giving her the dirtiest jobs, Polly - or Oliver - is drawn into
bigger issues. And being a determined sort of girl, you can be sure
she meets them like a man.

Although Monstrous Regiment is a stand-alone novel, it's very
much a full part of the Discworld canon, far closer to The Fifth
Elephant than to The Wee Free Men, and features the active
presence of some familiar A-M faces throughout. There are the
usual satirical moments and silly moments, and the trademark
Pratchett snook-cocking and blasting of targets, but on the whole
it's a more serious book than the earlier Discworld novels, and I
for one don't mind that at all. It is this reviewer's opinion that
both the author and the Discly nations themselves have evolved
and become more mature and less slapstick, and rightly so, because
there's only so much slapstick one can tolerate before boredom sets
in. But Terry Pratchett's characters never become less than fascinating,
and Monstrous Regiment marches along in fine hup-two time to
its delightfully bizarre climax. I'd give it a Croix de Guerre; you
can dance to it!

Did I mention the socks? It really, really is about socks...:-)

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin

Editor's Note: Yes, I have seen the covers and in my opinion
the US cover is more original.  The UK cover seems to be another
version of the stock WW2 photo "Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima,"
most recently used right after 9/11 to illustrate policemen and
firemen raising the flag at Ground Zero. Some may disagree,

-- Joe Schaumburger
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) WOSSNAME APPOINTS MANAGING EDITOR

WOSSNAME is pleased to announce that Annie Mac of
Australia has been appointed as Managing Editor. A long-time
DW fan, Annie has also lived in  Ireland, the USA, and England,
and has impressive editing credentials.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) TERRY AND THE WEE FREE MEN

In a reply to Marco Villalta in alt.fan.pratchett, Terry writes:

I'm not going to pretend I remember *that* much from when I was
nine years old, but what I do remember suggests that it is not at
all implausible.  And one of my cousins' daughter, age seven, has
a way of reasoning and wording herself that beats quite a bit.

If we take as givens that Tiffany is naturally intelligent and
*something like* an only child (her older sisters are old enough not to
be natural playmates, so she spends a lot of time in her own company )
and lives in a society where kids above the age of a toddler are treated
as small adults, and has escaped the horror of the school yard , which
teaches children to be kids, and doesn't have TV and the other social
pressures designed to turn her mind to mush, then there's nothing
amazing about her.  She also has been given a lot of responsibility for
something important to the farm, and that accelerates mental maturity, I
suggest.

I meet girls like her at schools and signings -- they tend to be
readers, they're as grave as Queen Victoria, but they are socially
intelligent enough  not to be a kid that gets picked on.  But many of
them have been, for one reason or another, educated at home.

Finally, she's a witch, and a heroine. She *is* going to be brighter
than other kids.

Don't take my word for it -- I 've had a nice e-mail from a Brownie Pack
of nine-year-old girls thanking me for writing a proper nine-year-old
girl .  They've sent me a scarf, which I guess makes me a Brownie:-)

Incidentally -- to the thread in general -- deus ex machina, by
tradition, means something produced at the last minute to make a plot
work.  Tiffany is bright from the word go, and throughout the book
develops powers which are signalled right at the start.

-- Terry Pratchett
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) ANOTHER FEW WORDS FROM THE MASTER

AFPer: Incidentally, do you have strong opinions about
the meanings of "alternate" and "alternative"? 

TP: Yes. I think that pedants should be alternately ignored
and flamed, unless there is a better alternative

-- (Terry Pratchett and an AFPer, alt.fan.pratchett)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 3




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

WOSSNAME
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
July 2003 (Volume 6, Issue 7)
*********************************************************************
WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
including the North American Discworld Society and other
continental groups.  Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
in your name and e-mail address.  Are there any dues?  No.
*********************************************************************
Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
Managing Editor: Annie Mac
News Editor: Bethany Ayers
Staff Writers: Lady Aranluc
Puzzle Editor: CatTigerLi
Limericks Mistress: Drusilla D'Afanguin
Haiku Handmaiden: Kate Oneamus
Emergency Staff: Jason Parlevliet,
     Nathan Clissold, Dylan Williams
Art Director: Rhett Pennell
World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
Convention News Editor: Susan Fox-Davis
Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
Copyright 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX:

====Part 1

1) ANAGRAM CONTEST AWARDS ANNOUNCED
2) ANKH-MADRIZ 2003 -- SECOND KEVIN CON IN SPAIN
3) TERRY HAILED AS GENIUS BY A.S. BYATT
4) 4) GUARDS!  GUARDS! AT EDINBURGH FRINGE FESTIVAL

====Part 2

5) BIG CHANGES AT THE COLLECTOR'S GUILD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6) DISCWORLD AUCTIONS
7) MONSTROUS REGIMENT CHANGES?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KFL MEETS AROUND THE WORLD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8) MELMEET, AUSTRALIA
9) BRISMEET, AUSTRALIA

====Part 3

10) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
11) PUZZLE: INTERESTING TIMES
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1) ANAGRAM CONTEST AWARDS ANNOUNCED

WOSSNAME Anagram Contest: And The Winners Are...

Well, gentlebeings, the Anagram Contest is over at last.

This was the original framing of the contest, as written by
WOSSNAME's paterfamilias, Joe (Discworld names snipped):

*********************************************
If you've ever wanted to add an autographed Terry book
to your collection, your day has come.

We have on hand, thanks to Terry, and some fast
footwork by my granddaughter Asti in London, a
special signed copy of a DW book which will go to
the winner of our Anagram Contest.

Here's how the contest will work: Pick any five of the
names below and work out a flock of anagrams for them.
Then pick the two best ones (in your opinion) and
submit them to me at  jschaum111@...:
*********************************************

Now then, not all entrants stuck to 'the rules' by sending
*only* what they considered to be their two best anagrams
out of five sets. In fact, almost none of the entrants did
it that way! What we received instead was a flock of
flocks, or in some cases several flocks of flocks. One
entrant, in the tradition of Jackie Chan, even included
his "outtakes" at the end of his post :-)

This is typical Morporkian obstreperousness, but as we
don't have any loaded scorpion pits handy, we have been
forced, by the very high quality of said flocks, into a
bit of a rethink, and have decided to award the first and
second prizes according to the principles of Djelibeybian
mathematics. Aided by the Bugarup University Regional
Society of Anagram Readers (B.U.R.S.A.R.), we narrowed
the field down to the entrants who had the greatest number
of truly neato-keen entries, and then tallied the numbers
up. And the winners are, in a close-run thing:

Terry O'Connor, with 15 hotshots, gets First Place

Miss Susan Sto Helit, with 8 hotshots, gets Second Place
(narrowly pipping Arto Suokas, who had 7)

****

But, as mentioned, the overall quality of entries was so
high that a number of Special Mentions must be made:

Best Pair of Pairs, from Miss Susan Sto Helit:

SERGEANT COLON
* Lost Gonne Race (as in Men at Arms)
* So get on, Lancre (after sleeping for 15 years in Wyrd Sisters)

LADY SYBIL RAMKIN
*By dairyman skill (that's how Ronnie Soak delivers his milk, really,
no supernatural involved at all, honest)
*Kill by many raids (the Silver Horde, of course)

(Miss Susan also deserves a Special Mention for creative
explanations, with Irene W. Odhner a close second in this
category)

Best Single Pair, from Terry O'Connor:

'SUSAN STO HELIT'
She is not a slut.
HIS sanest lout.

Best Single Entry, from Katie:

DELPHINE ANGUA VON UBERWALD
An alpha underdog w/blue vein

Most Appropriate Anagrams:

SERGEANT COLON: scone range: lot!
(Rikki Fields)

ARCHCHANCELLOR MUSTRUM RIDCULLY: clumsy,
chronic, ultra-dull charmer
DETRITUS AND RUBY: but Yard intrudes!
(Terry O'Connor)

CARROT IRONFOUNDERSSON: for ardour, not corniness
(Arto Suokas)

CARROT IRONFOUNDERSSON: no dress, fur, or coronation
(Stacie Hanes)

LEONARD OF QUIRM: o quarrel of mind!
(Irene W. Odhner)

As your Anagrams Mistress, I have to say you've all made me
proud! I only wish I had a selection of tasteful Small Gods
pendants for each and every one of you :-)

Over to Unca Joe for the awards ceremonies and publication
of full list of winning entries...

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin, Anagrams Mistress
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dru, you did a magnificent job on this, and from all of
us here at WOSSNAME headquarters, a resounding
huzzahhh!

If all the people whose names are mentioned above
will e-mail me or write me (Joe Schaumburger,
18205 SW 94th Avenue, Miami, FL 33157) and
give me your mailing addresses your awards will be
mailed to you.

First prize is, as previously mentioned, a signed
copy of a Pratchett book.

Second prize, not previously announced, is an
imported turtle mosaic plaque, 10.5 inches in
diameter.

Everyone else will get a Special Mention Certificate
designed by our staff artist, suitable for framing.

Many thanks to all of the entrants and to the
excellent judging by our Bugarup University Regional
Society of Anagram Readers (B.U.R.S.A.R.),
from our Australian Continental Section.

-- Joe Schaumburger, editor (now known as Unca Joe,
a name no one has called me since my nephew Henry
was 3 years  old.)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2) ANKH-MADRIZ 2003 -- SECOND KEVIN CON IN SPAIN

It's been more than a year since we Spanish Pratchett fans
happily adopted the name "kevin" and started moving things
to know each other "officially" (i.e., doing something other
than going to pubs and drinking suspicious stuff). Last
summer we had a little con in Madrid with about 70 people,
for a delightful day and a half, in which people played
little acts from Discworld Books on stage, sang some songs
which were loosely related to Discworld and I, particularly,
got quite ashamed at having to make a public speech. On the
whole, it went quite well.

So this year we thought about repeating the experience. The
planning has had to be done in a hurry, so we (and anyone
who happens to be in Ankh-Madrid and wishes to come) are
ready for anything that might be wrong, like having to move
some acts to the Retiro Park, which doesn't sound that much
unlikely.

The con will be held at August 2 and 3 in the San Juan
Evangelista student residence, where we encountered a strange
toga party last year. I swear I'll leave my Discworld pals
and go with the toga people if this happens again -- last
year the curiosity was overwhelming. We'll have GURPS, THUD!
and Cripple Mr Onion games, we'll see a rehearsal for the
"Guards! Guards!" play that will be on stage this fall in
Madrid, we'll have a speech from a representative of the
Great Ape Project about apes' rights and, since "Men at
Arms" has just hit the shelves around here, probably we'll
see quite a lot of people disguised as AMCW men. Well, it's
not togas, but cheap armor also has its something...

If I survive, of course, next month you'll have a lengthy
report on how it went, what went wrong, and how pretty is
Retiro Park at this time of the year. Just wish us luck...

-- MANU.
mavide@...
http://www.mundodisco.net/
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

3) TERRY HAILED AS GENIUS BY A.S. BYATT

"Similarly, some of Ms. Rowling's adult readers are simply
reverting to the child they were when they read the Billy
Bunter books, or invested Enid Blyton's pasteboard kids
with their own childish desires and hopes. A surprising
number of people -- including many students of literature --
will tell you they haven't really lived in a book since
they were children. Sadly, being taught literature often
destroys the life of the books. But in the days before
dumbing down and cultural studies no one reviewed Enid
Blyton or Georgette Heyer - as they do not now review the
great Terry Pratchett, whose wit is metaphysical, who
creates an energetic and lively secondary world, who has a
multifarious genius for strong parody as opposed to
derivative manipulation of past motifs, who deals with
death with startling originality. Who writes amazing
sentences."

-- From a review by A.S. Byatt of HARRY POTTER AND
THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX by J.K. Rowling
in The New York Times on July 7, 2003.

For the full review, go to:
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/07/07/opinion/07BYAT.html?
ex=1058759042&ei=1&en=20ed853494dbb080
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

4) GUARDS!  GUARDS! AT EDINBURGH FRINGE FESTIVAL

Wonderland Productions have announced their third Discworld
production at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  Terry Pratchett's
'Guards! Guards!' is being performed at C, venue 34, at 15:00,
from 30 July - 24th August 2003.

"We bewitched you with 'Wyrd Sisters' and marvelled you with
'Mort' -- come and be fire-blown out of your seats by
'Guards! Guards!', say the producers.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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WOSSNAME -- JULY 2003 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
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5) BIG CHANGES AT THE COLLECTOR'S GUILD

As the world's leading supplier of Discworld figurines, The Collectors'
Guild has built up a great reputation among Discworld fans over the
years. Elton Murphy, the man in charge there, used to head the
Clarecraft Discworld Collectors' Guild and has even been known to throw
a party or three for thousands of Discworld fans over the years!

The great news is that Elton is now the owner of the company. There's a
slight change of name - it is now Collectors Gifts and has a new site at
http://www.CollectorsGifts.com/

Elton said, "This is an exciting, yet somewhat scary, time for me.
Fatherhood was thrust upon me in May and now this.

"Being in charge doesn't mean radical change. My brief before, under the
guidance of R and P Baker, was to always put the customer first. Because
of this, many of our customers are now personal friends of mine!

"The new website is a great step forward. Not only does it allow us to
offer a whole range of merchandise, but the inbuilt loyalty scheme and
product-pairing discounts means that it will offer even more to our
customers. Over the coming months, we have a lot of development work to
do and our customers will really benefit.

"Over the coming months, we will be visiting trade fairs and contacting
potential new suppliers. In the past, we have welcomed ideas from our
existing customers and I would like to invite any Discworld fan to let
us know if they would like to see any other ranges available on our
site."

Elton can be contacted via the online form on
http://www.CollectorsGifts.com or by emailing
elton@...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
LETTERS FROM OUR READERS
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

6) DISCWORLD AUCTIONS

To the Editor:

This is a real quickie....

Much as it hurts me to see you all spend your money anywhere other than
Collectors Gifts, I thought that the Discworld auctions currently
taking place on our old auction site may interest some. And no, they've
got nothing to do with me!

http://www.discworldshop.com/cgi-bin/auction.cgi?category=discworld

We'll have a new competition for you soon and more offers (DW44 Death on
Binky is currently just 170 pounds!). Details to follow.....

http://www.collectorsgifts.com/

-- Elton Murphy
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) MONSTROUS REGIMENT CHANGES?

To the Editor:

Thanks to Drusilla for the review!

Any info or speculation about how far the Merkin version
will diverge from the One True British version? Apparently
The Truth got mangled in transit.

Are the Canadian versions of pterry's works the same
as the British versions?

-- Henry Polard

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
KFL MEETS AROUND THE WORLD
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

8) MELMEET, AUSTRALIA

MELMEET REPORT: COOKMEET
Date: 19th July 2003
Venue: SteVen's Eeevil Fortress Of Avoiding The Neighbours
(still in Melbourne, but possibly via a dimensional portal)
Present: Steven, Dru, Bek, Matt, Jeff, Big Mad Adrian
Special Guest: Ralph 'Wuffles' D'Aprano

The purpose of this meet was originally to hassle Big Mad
Adrian, who is an actor and local theatre producer and has
expressed interest in presenting The Truth in Melbourne next
year. To that end, Bek obtained a copy of the Stephen Briggs
stage adaptation -- yay Amazon! -- as an inspirational gift
for Big Mad Adrian (henceforth known as BMA) and it was
decided to lure him to the Fortress for a presentation.

As we were having a lunch meet, we also decided it was
time at last to hit Nanny Ogg's Cookbook, not least because
making Nanny's recipes at meets has been the *only* thing
the much-maligned 'Sinneysiders' (BU'ers from Sydney) held
over us in the friendly, healthy, open-hearted ~cough cough~
intercities rivalry. So boo-ya-sux to you, Sydmeeters, now
you'll have to come up with something *really* impressive
like getting your wizards' staffs to actually work :P

When all were present and Ralph was happily burying a
bone in the garden, we cooked Ponce da Quirm's Genuine
Howondaland Curry (not to be confused with Mrs Colon's
Genyooin Klatchian Curry) in two batches -- with nuclear
homegrown chillies and without, the latter being for the
wussy eaters among us who shall not be named. Once again,
Steven's cherished Dwarf Battle Muffin was carried out
and displayed; the Battle Muffin is now over 14 months
old and as robust as ever, and as fine a museum piece as
can be found in Fourecks. Over luncheon, we discussed
ideas for staging The Truth while Ralph begged unsuccessfully
under the table. If Ralph can be taught to "bite" on command,
he's a shoo-in for the part of Wuffles, even though he is a
middle-aged fat Cocker Spaniel rather than an elderly
terrier. Ah well, why not, look how much mileage the fat
middle-aged Roger Moore made out of pretending to be a
sexy secret agent! When all were sated, the menfolk made
manful attempts at changing the light bulb in the Fortress
waterfall, though the final results -- a sickly blue bulb that
gives it a rather cheesy look, like those paper umbrellas
served in cocktails at the Mended Drum - were less than
impressive.

After a long pause for more conversation and digestive salts,
out came the "piece o' resistin's": yes, the dreaded Strawberry
Wobbler! BMA turned pale and distinctly nervous-looking
at the sight of it, and single entendres abounded as it was
served, while Dru regaled the table with tales of a "bring a
banananana" party she'd once thrown, where some of the
humorous fruit sculptures would have made Gytha herself
blush. Well, a little...oh, all right, barely at all, but they
certainly made some of the lunchers blush!

Eventually BMA swanned off to see a friend in another play,
and Bek and Jeff headed off, leaving Matt, Steven and Dru
to the serious business of Scrabble. This time it was decided
that Discly names would be allowed, but sadly, none
cropped up until the end stages, where the players suddenly
got religion -- it's amazing how many points can be scored by
placing Io or Om in the right positions! Note: never play
Scrabble with Steven - he cheats. Mind you, he *still* ends
up losing...

Another good day. Dru's health permitting, soon there may
again be public MelMeets!

Cook's note: these Nanny Ogg recipes can be found on
p.42 (Howondaland Curry) and p.64 (Strawberry Wobbler)

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

9) BRISMEET, AUSTRALIA

Date: Unknown, maybe July 21, 2003
Venue: Brisbane? Manly?

Before Dru gets in with a demand, here's the Kathy
version of the BrisMeet. I caught the 10:00 train into
the city, and then another out to the bayside
suburb of Manly. First stop off the train was the loo.
It was a long trip!

Waiting at the exit was a young lady clutching a copy
of Pterry's "Soul Music", so I displayed my copy of
"The Truth" and we introduced ourselves. Peta had got
off the same train. After only a couple of minutes, anther
person with a book approached, this time "Men at Arms".

None of us had much idea of where anything was, so we
decided to wander in the general direction of the Bay,
and see what came along. We weren't sure where we
were going, but I had a badly printed map I'd downloaded,
so we managed to find the right area.

On the way, we discussed what we'd like for lunch and
settled on kebabs. This suited Peta, as she got her fave
vegetarian version. We sat for a while and after finishing
the food (outside table too, was warm enough (just) in the
sun) and took pictures, as both Jehane and I had cameras.

Then we just decided to go look for better scenery for more
pics, and also to find a nice person to take the pics as we
wanted all three of us in them. We then decided there wasn't
much point in wandering too much, and settled on a BBQ
table in the park, where we just talked lots!!

When the wind got a bit cool and time got a little short for
me, we headed back toward the station, stopping off on the
way to warm up a little with hot chocolates all round. Jehane
saw Peta and I onto the train, and headed back to her abode,
more talking occurred on the train, although the noise from a
multitude of schoolchildren tended to make conversation difficult!

Peta got off at her stop and I continued on to the city and
back out again to the West. All in all, I'm glad I managed to
overcome my agoraphobia enough to actually get out and meet
people! Both Peta and Jehane made me feel welcome, and I
enjoyed their company very much.

In a footnote, we did have a bit of a chuckle over the speed and
ease with which we organised our Meet, and doing so without
the benefit of a special list to help us!!

-- Simone K - resident anarchist and BrisMeeter.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3




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WOSSNAME -- JULY 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE -- SUMMER HEAT

The heat is making an assault on us, the exams are over
(for the moment) and people are going on holidays. As I write
these lines the future remains uncertain as Casanunda's
romances. The Wheels of Destiny turn and turn as if they
were a theme park feature, and at the end you don't know if the
most sensible thing would be to throw up or to search for the
coins that have been thrown from your pockets by centrifugal
force. All the things that aren't mutagenic are teratogenic
or cancerous. And the ones which aren't, they just hurt. Oh,
I forgot. Happy holidays.

21 March - 20 April
The Perhaps Gate

Tomorrow you'll get up from bed and all your problems will disappear
as if by magic. Everything will become easy for you, without
any complication, everything will be solvable just by moving a
finger. Even your loved one will see the growth of certain interesting
body parts. The dream ends here. The nightmare begins when you see
yourself in the mirror and see your face turning into The Librarian's.

21 April - 21 May
Gahoolie the Vase of Tulips

You've made a mistake. You know it, you feel it. This can't go on.
You have to mend it somehow, whatever it takes, but not now. Wait
for the right moment. Lurk in the walkway, merge yourself into
the wallpaper and conserve your energies. Sooner or later they'll
have to turn in, and then ... but not now. Wait. Any day now, those
idiots who sold you that strange newspaper you bought in a weak
moment will come back to your place, and then you'll be able to
take your revenge by biting their jugulars.

22 May - 21 June
The Two Fat Cousins

The heat will bring new and interesting friends to you, or, we
should say, it will bring you to new and interesting subhuman
lifeforms. Slightly illegal substances, lobotomizing music and
conversations at the troll bar level will fill your summer leisure
time, until you wish you were dead. And the funniest thing is
that you'll like it.

22 June - 22 July
Wezen the Double-Headed Kangaroo

You won't get very far if you keep following the way you've chosen.
You've always suspected it, but now you know. You have to change or
you'll never reach your goals. Look for the right moment, the right
place: a lightning bolt, a nuclear power plant, a high voltage
cable... radioactive insects or meteor impact sites.  Just go to
archeology museums, sometimes the holy objects from long
forgotten cults are very useful in these cases. But, whatever you
do, don't go to Roundworld. You want to be a superhero, not a
horrible swamp thing...

23 July - 23 August
The Cow of Heaven

Every day the world is a more complicated place, an uglier one, and
this must change. You cannot keep tolerating the general laziness
with a false smile in your face while everything gets full of
parasites, sad reflections of forgotten people and beings that keep
pushing their misery around the world. When you moved (attracted
by the vistas and the tranquility) you didn't think that the place
would be so sordid and decadent, but it's been that way. The
ones who gave you advice were right. It's the time for you
to look for a job and stop hanging out with the Beggars' Guild.

24 August - 23 September
Mubbo the Hyena

Life has stopped looking apathy gray, and suddenly it shows live,
natural, shining colours. You're up to something, you feel it. The
Century of the Fruit Bat is upon us and the world's misery is turning
into something far better.  Float around in harmony with the
cosmos amidst funny coloured clouds and soft sitar melodies, and
everything will look like a festival day in Dunmanifestin.
Don't get me wrong, your daydreams are quite nice, but next
time you use rye bread for your sandwiches you should check first
to see that it hasn't developed interesting fungi...

24 September - 23 October
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars

You'll meet very interesting people and you'll see yourself doing
things you didn't think you were able to. Soon those around you
will notice that you are changing, turning into someone better,
or at least into someone more original, and they'll cooperate with
you to make your dreams true in solidarity and harmony. And this
has nothing to do with that wizard's staff your new friends from
UU have lent you to help you dominate the world. It's just that they
like you. We ALL like you, OK? You just point that in some other
direction, will you?

24 October - 22 November
Okjock the Salesman

Something terrible will happen very close to you and you won't be
able to avoid it. Your world will stop revolving. Things that you never
thought possible will keep passing in front of your eyes.
Suddenly your family, the ones you felt sure about, will be full
of horrible things which could make even Foul Ole Ron turn around
and run. And you can do nothing, absolutely nothing, to avoid it.
Oh God, why? Why did you give Granny Weatherwax such a
hard time?

23 November - 21 December
The Overworked Orang-Utang

You are feeling well. Life smiles on you, or at least it's making a
toothy grimace and you choose to think it's a smile. You feel
able to do everything; the rest of the people are only sad ants
by your feet, poor things that you could crush if you wanted.
No one can stop you now. Because at last, after all those years,
you have gotten permission to use Hex, the Disc's main
computer.  But don't crush those ants -- they're what makes
the computer work!

22 December - 20 January
The Celestial Parsnip

You mustn't be locked into yourself. You mustn't hide all those
wonders we all know you have inside. It's time to open yourself
and show the world the things you were keeping hidden for so long.
Just don't do it in public, or someone will call the Watch.

21 January - 18 February
The Knotted String

The world has suddenly changed. Surprises come after other surprises
and nothing is as you thought it was, as it used to do until a couple
of days ago. You're changing, or maybe the rest of the world is
changing around you, but the point is that you don't seem to fit in
as before. You try to live your life as if nothing had happened,
but you feel it's useless, and you try anyway. And it gets worse.
People just don't make it easy. Everyone can see. It's a nightmare
you cannot wake up from. You cannot sleep, in fact. And the reason
is that you can't fit into your bed, not even into your home. Now
that you are a giant 45 feet dragon, you feel so depressed that
this afternoon you'll eat Ankh-Morpork just to get some attention.

19 February - 20 March
The Flying Moose

You need to avoid conflicts somehow. You don't want to face things.
No matter what happens or what you get told, you just put on a
distracted smile and look the other way. You don't want to attract
notice. Not now. Everybody is right, every idea is interesting,
everything's all right. Look as if nothing was happening. They must
not know the truth, you can't face them. Not now. Relax. Just relax.
The little men in the white coats will be here soon ...

-- Lady Aranluc

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
11) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE:  MASKERADE
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.    Read the letters backwards and
discover who is terrorizing the Opera House.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1997 HarperPrism edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Nanny Ogg's publisher (last name, 4th letter)
2. The Opera House Music Director (last name, 1st letter)
3. The Opera House Rat Catcher (last name, 2nd letter)
4. Real name of Senor Enrico Basilica (first name, 1st letter)
5. Feline fake nobleman (last name, 1st letter)
6. Undercover organ player (first name, 1st letter)
7. A young pretty singer who Perdita sings for (first name, 3rd letter)
8. The Opera House Chorus Master (last name, 4th letter)
9. A very odd odd-job man (last name, 1st letter)
10. New owner of the Opera House (first name, 5th letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/  =  Terror of the Opera House
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: INTERESTING TIMES
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. The new emperor (last name, 4th letter)
        COHEN = E
2. Purveyor of Hundred-Year-Old-Eggs in Hunghung (1st letter)
        DIIBHALA-SAN = D
3. One of Twoflower's daughters, the realist (6th letter)
        BUTTERFLY = R
4. A noble who wants to be emperor (2nd letter)
        LORD HONG = O
5. Elderly barbarian who fights in his wheelchair (last name, 1st  letter)
        MAD HAMISH = H
6. An Agatean cannon (1st name, 3rd letter)
        BARKING DOG = R
7. A spy and agent provocateur for #4 above (last name, 2nd letter)
        TWO FIRE HERB = E
8. Teach (last name, 3rd letter)
        RONALD SAVELOY = V
9.  Master of Protocol (2nd name, 1st letter)
        TWO LITTLE WANG = L
10. Langtang Collector of Revenues (1st name, 2nd letter)
        SIX BENEFICENT WINDS = I
11. Twoflower's other daughter, the optimist (1st name, 5th letter)
        LOTUS BLOSSOM = S

_E/_D/_R/_O/_H/_R/_E/_V/_L/_I/_S/   = Conquerors of the Agatean Empire
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/*10/*11/      =  SILVER HORDE

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion


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WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10) THEATRE REVIEWS: MEN AT ARMS

WATCHMEET REPORT #1

Date: 21st August 2003
Venue: Theatreworks, St Kilda, Melbourne, XXXX
Attending: Bek, Matt, Dru, Steven, Hania, David Hopkins
(yes, the real one and original Ref, out of hiding)

A few weeks ago, Steven spotted a poster advertising a
production of Men At Arms and informed all and sundry.
Show dates were all but one weekdays, and as the "core"
MelMeeters were unable to make it on the one Saturday, a
number of those who'd expressed interest were unable to go,
mostly due to having to work for a living - not that the
rest of us don't, but Melbourne is a big place and 19.30
an early time - hence the smaller complement. In the event,
I am saddened to have to report, those who missed it were
lucky. Particularly Big Mad Adrian, who kept getting delayed
and finally rang us at the very last minute to report he was
unable to come at all; being a *real* actor and local theatrical
producer, I think he might have grown so inflamed that we'd
have needed to call the real-life Watch!

This was easily the shortest (for most of us) MelMeet of all,
owing to most of those who *did* come having to get up early
for work the next day. We went to the venue, watched the play,
exchanged horrified comments afterwards, and that was pretty
much it for all but Hania, Steven and Dru who went out for a
lovely late meal afterwards. Sigh.

I tried to find ways of saying something good about this production
of Stephen Briggs' adaptation of Men At Arms, because it's
always a cause for celebration when a Discworld play is performed
publicly, but the sad truth is that this company shouldn't have
bothered (and the sadder truth is that there may be some Bugarup
Uni members who won't be speaking to me after they read this,
since most of the cast are friends of theirs!). Apart from some
very questionable casting - the part of Vimes was played by a
chap who was the spitting image of Boba Fett's father in Attack
of the Clones, "Carrot" was tubby enough to be a believable
Colon, "Nobby" was a girl!** and the role of Narrator was taken
by a mumsy woman who was far too obviously paralysed with stage
fright to remember most of her lines - the players gave the
impression that there had only been a few rehearsals and that
most of the cast had barely troubled themselves to show up for
those. Timing was mainly terrible, which combined with the many
muffed lines and missed cues to destroy most of the trademark
Pterry satire and funny bits. The best, or should I say least
awful, characters were "Vetinari"'s hands (very believable, shame
about the rest of him), Death (who at least had a DECENT SENSE OF
TIMING, but then he *ought* to, muhahahaha) and Detritus, and the
best-played scene, actually raising a few laughs, was the one in
which the new recruits take the oath of allegiance and the King's
Shilling. Your chronicler found herself wishing for the appearance
of a fruit-throwing Librarian to liven up the proceedings. Sadly,
none arrived to save the day.

I found out afterwards that the cast were mostly Uni students and
that the audience contained many friends and family of same, which
at least explained the occasional applause but in no way serves
as an excuse since the price of admission was about the same as it
is for Big Mad Adrian's far more professional productions. I won't
shame the theatre company by naming it, especially as we were far
from the only attendees who came away with disgruntled expressions,
but I will say that Discworld plays require a great deal of
Suspenders of Disbelief application and should therefore not be
tried by, well civilians.

A disappointing time was had by all. Better luck next time!

** yes, we all know about Beti, and about the traffic duty, but this
was different

-- Drusilla D'Afanguin, unfortunate bearer of bad news
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

WATCHREPORT #2: ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW

Men At Arms: The Play

On Thursday 21st August, the small group of Bek, David, Dru, Hania Ogg,
Matt, and Your Humble Narrator travelled to trendy St Kilda in Melbourne
to watch Stephen Briggs' adaptation of Terry Pratchett's "Men At Arms" by
Subject To Change Theatre Company.

Others have already reviewed this play, but I would like to give a
dissenting opinion. True, the acting was extremely amateurish and many of
the cast kept muffing their lines. I can't deny that the set was minimal
to the point of ridiculousness -- when a group of university students
can't even get an empty bottle of vodka or whiskey to use as a prop, you
know that there is something terribly wrong with the world! It would be
pointless for me to even try to pretend that their timing was off for much
of the night.

But nevertheless, I had a great time.

Even though they didn't bring much in the way of props or skill to the
roles, the actors did manage to portray their love of the story to the
audience. Andrew Finegan as Vimes was perhaps not right for the role, but
he was dour and that's a start. Louise Zanon as the Voice of the Footnotes
was cheerfully enthusiastic and brought great energy to her role, although
it took me about half the play to realise that her frequent pauses weren't
because she had forgotten her lines, but because she was attempting
Timing. Christine Curtain as Angua managed to capture the perfect look of
horror, shock and fear that shone like a beacon for one brief moment from
an otherwise merely acceptable performance.

If I refrain from mentioning the other actors, it's not because they were
especially worse than the three I do mention, but because it would be
churlish of me to spend much more time on criticism. In fairness, it was
the group's very first play.

It might be damning with faint praise, but I see promise in Subject To
Change. With a few more plays under their belts, they might become
Adequate, and from there, who knows, perhaps even Not Too Bad.

But let's face facts: we did not go to see the play because we expected
to see the Royal Shakespeare Company. We went to see Pratchett's
story, and they delivered. Men At Arms is such a strong story, and Briggs'
adaption is so good, that even a rank amateur performance didn't ruin it.
The Discworld stories are extremely difficult to do, so we have to give
Subject To Change some points for not being afraid to dive straight into
the fire, and Pratchett himself full marks for the original story.

-- Steven D'Aprano

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
11) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: FEET OF CLAY
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown.   Read the letters backwards and
discover who the Watch is searching for.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1996 HarperPrism edition.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
ANSWER: Terry  LETTER = T
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Upstairs Maid at the Patrician's Palace (first name, 1st letter)
2. A small rat catcher for restaurants (first name, 2nd letter)
3. First golem member of the Watch (5th letter of name)
4. A doctor and doper of racehorses (first name, 2nd letter)
5. Vampire head of the A-M College of Heralds (4th letter of title)
6. A troll potter (2nd letter of name)
7. Curator of A-M Dwarf Bread Museum (last name, 6th letter)
8. First declared female dwarf member of the Watch (last name, 2nd letter)
9. Patrician's personal clerk (last name, 5th letter)

__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ =  Who the Watch was looking for
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/

Puzzle solution will appear next month.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: MASKERADE
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

1. Nanny Ogg's publisher (last name, 4th letter)
        GOATBERGER = T
2. The Opera House Music Director (last name, 1st letter)
        SALZELLA = S
3. The Opera House Rat Catcher (last name, 2nd letter)
        POUNDER = O
4. Real name of Senor Enrico Basilica (first name, 1st letter)
        HENRY = H
5. Feline fake nobleman (last name, 1st letter)
        GRIBEAU = G
6. Undercover organ player (first name, 1st letter)
        ANDRE = A
7. A young pretty singer who Perdita sings for (first name, 3rd letter)
        CHRISTINE = R
8. The Opera House Chorus Master (last name, 4th letter)
        UNDERSHAFT = E
9. A very odd odd-job man (last name, 1st letter)
        PLINGE = P
10. New owner of the Opera House (first name, 5th letter)
        SELDOM = O

T_/S_/O_/H_/G_/A_/R_/E_/P_/O_/  =  Terror of the Opera House
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/   =   OPERA GHOST

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

12) THE DISC HOROSCOPE, OR LACK OF IT

We regret to inform you that Lady Aranluc, our beautiful and
peerless Discworld Horoscoper, has gone off on vacation
and could not be reached, even by the Great Wizard Manu.

To our readers all we can say is that we're sorry and suggest
that you make no major changes in your life till she returns.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion



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