From Fabulously Single to Stepparent: Casting Call
http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2009/02/12/from-fabulous-single-to-stepparent-casting-call/

Casting call….

Established non-fiction production company is casting all over the country for an OUTGOING, FUN family to be featured in their own series. Think “Jon & Kate Plus Eight…”  We are looking for women about to transition from fabulous and single to STEPPARENT.

Are you about to become an instant family?  Are you a bit overwhelmed about the idea?  We’d like to hear your story!

This is a positive, upbeat show that parents of all types (step or otherwise) can relate to!  To find out more information about the company and what we’re looking for, please contact Ally at Reality_Casting@... - please put “Instant Family!” in the subject line.

 

 

Hello Dawn,

My name is Melissa and I'm a graduate student at Stony Brook University. I'm conducting an online relationship survey about breakups and divorce for my dissertation, and I could really use your help connecting with people across the country (and world!). My work involves learning about the full range of people's responses following the end of a significant romantic relationship -- meaning I'm interested the difficulties folks experience but also any positive changes that result form this challenging life experience (such as building a new family after a breakup/divorce). Anecdotally we may have the hunch that many people have experienced these positive changes (in themselves, in their relationships), but we don't seem to know much about this topic in detail or scientifically, which could help others experience these positive changes too.

People who have participated in the project so far say they enjoy thinking about these experiences and sharing them, and they appreciate the anonymous, free, personalized feedback they have the option of receiving immediately upon completion of the approx. 30 minute online survey. I'm hoping you'll be willing to help me out and be willing to include information about my project on your blog (and anywhere else on your site that you think might be appropriate). I'll be working on this project probably through the wintertime, so any help in my effort of learning about many real people's experiences would be great!

The web address of my survey is: http://www.courses.rochester.edu/surveys/funk/relbreakup/
There there is a greater description of the project and a link to the survey pages.

Thank you in advance for your help and support!
Melissa

Hi everyone,

I’ve been asked to write an article for ReMarriage magazine about the challenges stepfamilies and post-divorce parents face in dealing with communication around school activities/permissions/events for children. I am seeking anecdotes and stories – the nightmares and the successes – from stepfamilies. The purpose of the article  is to identify potential stumbling blocks that can come up, and also potential solutions and advice that can help people facing difficulty in dealing with school communication. If you would like to participate and share a piece of advice or a story – please drop me an email at dmiller@... and I will send you some questions for an e-interview.

Best regards,

 

 

 

05.05.08

Stepfamily Teens Don’t Do As Well in School, Says Study

Posted in News, Research About Stepfamilies, Kids Today at 12:47 am by Dawn Miller

A new study by Florida State University researcher Kathryn Harker Tillman found that teens living with half-siblings and step-siblings, may not do as well in school as those living with only full siblings. The study was based on a nationally representative study of more than 11,000 youth in grades 7-12. United Press International reported:

Teens in the most complicated family arrangement of all — those with both half- and step siblings — like the 1968 movie “Yours, Mine and Ours” remade in 2005 — fared better than those who live with only step-siblings or only half-siblings. Tillman theorized that the parents’ decision in these more complicated families to have a biological child together may reflect a stable relationship.

The study, published in the journal Social Science Research, found boys living with half- or step-siblings appear to have the hardest time coping, with average GPAs one-quarter of a letter grade lower than boys who live with only full siblings.

Girls with half- or step-siblings also had lower GPAs than those living with only full siblings, but the difference was much smaller. Boys and girls in these types of families also had more school behavioral problems, such as trouble paying attention, getting homework done and getting along with teachers and other students.

In an FSU news release, Tillman commented and theorized that:

 ”We cannot assume that over time, children will naturally ‘adjust’ to the new roles and relationships that arise when families are blended,” she said. “This research indicates that the effects of new stepsiblings or half siblings may actually become more negative over time or, at the least, remain consistently negative.”

“Lower social and financial investments may signal to children a lack of parental interest and lower expectations for academic achievement and college attendance,” she said. “In turn, youth in stepfamilies may be less likely to get academic assistance when needed, less likely to work for higher grades and more likely to act out at school.”

The study also drew attention from the Super Nanny website. What is truly scary is that in the study - relationships among stepsiblings tended not to improve with time - it should be noted that only 1% of the youth in the study fell into the category of having both step-siblings and half-siblings.

I’m curious to see how long she looked at those relationships - since many of us stepmoms hang our hopes on “things getting better” with time. My experience has been that our lives and my personal relationships with my stepchildren have improved with time, but I also did not bring biological children into my marriage, which eliminated the competition factor.

I would also be curious about how the length of custody arrangements impacted the results - are we talking step-kids rotating households on the weekends, on 60/40, 50/50 or living 100% of the time alongside step-siblings? And how involved is the other parent in the child’s life?

Stepfamilies - I think these results are a call to us to talk about how we can provide more support for children living in stepfamilies and epecially more support for their education and well-being.

Stepmoms out there - what do you think about this study? I welcome your comments to this blog! 

The Orlando Sentinel is also inviting comments about the study on its blog.

Comment and see this post online http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/05/05/stepfamily-teens-dont-do-as-well-in-school-says-study/

 

 

 

TheStepfamilyLife - The Blended Family Blog has posted a new item, 'Stepparents added to lawsuit against ABC Primetime for stepfamily story'

America watched in horror in 2006 on ABC Primetime as Kyle Nelson, then a teenager, was beaten by her stepfather and cheered on by her stepmother, in an expose called “Stepfamilies in Crisis.”

The show’s producers did nothing to stop the abuse, and the public outrage about ABC’s failure to protect Kyle, who was a minor at the time, after knowing (and videotaping) the assault on the girl, led to ABC shutting down its user feedback mechanisms for the show on its website and even removing video of the episode. The story even sparked coverage by stately NPR.

In a PR effort to quell the mayhem, ABC had Kyle appear on Good Morning America, to ask the public to not hate her father, say she was alright, and indicate that her family was in counseling.

Last year, we found out Kyle was suing ABC, the Walt Disney Company, and anchor Diane Sawyer for their bungling and failure to protect her from abuse. Now Kyle’s legal guardian, Joseph Nelson, and stepmother, Lynn Nelson, have been added to the lawsuit as well, reports the Adirondack Daily Enterprise. ABC and company have until May 30, 2008 to respond to the lawsuit.

The story raises serious questions about journalist ethics and how minors are treated in an age of reality-TV. Some of Kyle’s relatives have also told journalist blogger Po Bronson about how ABC kept them in the dark about the abuse and what Kyle endured at her stepfather’s home, and said that if they had known about the tape, they would have taken it to the district attorney to try to protect Kyle, then ABC would have lost the ability to air the tape legally - so ABC kept mum. He also wrote earlier about the case and the serious journalist ethics issues it raises.

See TheStepfamilyLife’s previous postings about this story:

• ABC Primetime’s Expose of Stepfamilies: Nets a Lawsuit for Diane Sawyer & Company
• ABC Primetime Exposes Stepfamilies on the Brink

You may view the latest post at
http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/05/04/stepparents-added-to-lawsuit-against-abc-primetime-for-stepfamily-story/

You received this e-mail because you asked to be notified when new updates are posted.
Best regards,
Dawn Miller

 

dmiller@...

TheStepfamilyLife - The Blended Family Blog has posted a new item, 'More Tips to Help Blended Families'

The Miami Herald reprinted some great tips from Don and Kathy Coryell to help blended families (with a few comments from me added in):

Make God the center of your family. “It has to start there,” Kathy said.

I think one challenge we faced in our marriage is that my husband became more religious after coming to know me. I had always been a goody-two-shoes religious person. I had always thought I would marry a minister, not a libertarian. Their kids were not used to seeing their dad going to church or expecting a prayer at the dinner table. Finding our footing with how our faith would fit into our family life took time.

Lower your expectations. “Don’t think you’ll be one big happy family immediately,” she said. “And don’t force your children to call your new spouse mom or dad. Allow the children to set the pace in the family relationship.” For example, she said, she didn’t know what to call herself with Don’s daughter from a previous marriage. Mom? Stepmom? Kathy? “We talked about it, and I learned the relationship is more important than the title.”

Trying not to push the kids for a title - letting them find their way with it - is important.

Come up with a financial plan. “He may have child support; he or she may have a home; one might owe money on bad credit. It’s not as simple as saying all money goes into one pot,” Don said. “You need to come up with a budget for the new family.”

The big stressor - money. If you were single before marrying someone with kids (like I was) then you have a huge curve ball coming with marriage.

If at all possible, move to a neutral zone. “When we bought a house together, that’s when we became a family,” Kathy said. “Get out of the war zone.”

I would add too. Be practical. But if it creeps you out to be using old furniture from a previous relationship, get rid of it. Sleeping on the floor is way better than sleeping in emotional discomfort.

Develop a working relationship with the nonresident parent. It’s sometimes difficult to work through those emotions, but “it’s all about the children,” Don said. Along with that, “don’t speak badly about your former spouse or allow your children to do that,” Kathy added. “And forgive your former spouse and yourself for the past. It releases you from the chains of bitterness and allows you to focus on growing a healthy stepfamily.”

Finding a workable relationship can be challenging - for the bioparent and the stepparent. Not badmouthing the other parent is critical. When you speak poorly about your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear someone saying bad things - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?

Learn to love your stepchildren. “It’s the best gift you can give your new spouse,” Kathy said.

I would add that love takes time. I was relieved my husband did not pressure me to “love” the kids right away. I cared for them. I was concerned for them. I wanted for them to be happy and to have a good relationship with their dad and with me, but I can’t say I initially loved them. Love grew over time. It took years. So don’t rush it. Let it come naturally.

The Coryells are selling a workbook to help couples prepare for the rigors of stepfamily life and remarriage. It costs $15 and is available from www.creativeconnectionsministry.com.

You may view the latest post at
http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/03/27/more-tips-to-help-blended-families/

 

 

TheStepfamilyLife - The Blended Family Blog has posted a new item, 'Stepfamily Scores New Home from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition'

If you watched ABC last night, then you saw the Turner family from Fairmont, West Virginia receive a new luxury house from the popular television show, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” The full episode is posted on the ABC website for viewing if you missed it.

Mom and dad in the family are Angie and Richard Turner, who married in 2003 to form a blended family with a brood of four - including Angie’s daughter Theresa and sons Tyron and Desmond, as well as Richard’s daughter Layton. Richard’s cousin Michael also moved in with the family. The parents work in the commuity with local youth coaching basketball, football and cheerleading. They would like to one day open up their own business to help the mentally challenged. 

In late November 2007, the family was surprised by Ty Pennington and the gang from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Their former home was less than 600 square feet and rotting. With little sleeping space for everyone in their old home, the girls had to share a bed, while the boys slept on the floor. The floors were unstable and the kitchen cabinets were falling off. It was the smallest home ever encountered by the team from ABC Home Makeover.

Reality TV magazine commented: Angie was sweet as she said she was blessed by the size of the home because the family had gotten a chance to become closer as a result of the limited space and that no one in the family ever complained.

A new home was built in a week for the family, with the network broadcast running last night.

Unfortunately, their newfound celebrity has also netted them some unfortunate tongue-wagging and rumor-mongering. The Charleston Daily Mail reported that:

Hosts at three radio stations, without calling the Turners to confirm, announced one morning that their yellow house was for sale.

It was a misunderstanding, the unfortunate result of a promotional ad the builder had placed in a real estate magazine. But outraged callers began to unload, and around 7:30 a.m., the Turners’ phones began to ring.

“Either somebody’s dead or there’s something in the paper,'’ Angie told Richard.

“We laughed at all the other rumors, but this was hurtful,'’ she recalls.

After a quick prayer, she called one of the stations.

“I told them we would never sell the house, that our integrity and character would never allow us to do that. I told them my dad had given me this land and this house, and we planned to hand it down to our kids,'’ she says. “We wouldn’t even sell that little house we had because of the land.'’

Even with all of the hoopla, the Turners are overjoyed to be in their new home. I love this show because it reminds me of the ten years I spent with a Habitat for Humanity affiliate - and the looks on the people’s faces when we dedicated their new home. Granted, a house by Habitat for Humanity is by no means the luxurious McMansion Extreme Makeover: Home Edition provides - but the joy and tears of home ownership are as real.

The State Journal’s look inside their new home. And a peek at the viewing party.

Reality TV magazine’s story on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the Turner Family

Congratulations to the Turner Family. We wish you many years of happiness in your new home.

You may view the latest post at
http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/03/10/stepfamily-scores-new-home-from-extreme-makeover-home-edition/

 

 

TheStepfamilyLife - The Blended Family Blog has posted a new item, 'Couple with Stepfamily Ministry Shares What They've Learned, Conference Today in Modesto'

The rocky terrain of stepfamily life can be difficult to navigate - but with careful steps - we can get around the hot spots and build a solid family life. A profile published this week in the Modesto Bee interviews Don and Kathy Coryell, who are speaking today at a conference for blended families in Modesto, California.

The Coryells have some wonderful advice to offer. Early in a marriage, often the biological parent will expect for the stepparent to jump right in and start disciplining the kids. But the reality is that stepchildren don’t respond well to discipline from a stepparent, even one they liked before the marriage happened. Cathy expected Don to take on that role with her kids, but fortunately, he didn’t.

“The non-birth parent should take on the role of a loving, caring older uncle or aunt. You see all the good in the child and you encourage that child, but good ol’ loving uncles don’t discipline those children. Otherwise, it will produce rebellion, because you don’t have the connection with those kids to be the No. 1 correction officer in that home.

“That may change over the years and depends on the age of the child. But especially in the beginning, it’s important that the birth parent is the one who disciplines the children.”

Instead, Cathy found that she had to change her parenting style. In the past she had relied on a more authoritarian spouse to deal with disciplinary issues with the kids. Now she had to step up and be more in charge.

Don struggled too with how to define his role, and felt that the kids needed more discipline. But he felt that it wasn’t his place to dole it out:

“Going from being single for a number of years and moving into her house with all those teens was difficult,” he said. “From my perspective, the children were disrespectful to their mother. But it wasn’t my place to discipline them, because that was their world. That was their family of origin. I came from a different universe, so it would be wrong of me to come in and try to clean house, and I had to come to terms with that.

“Any discipline that I thought should be handed down, I had to talk all that through with Kathy. I had to depend on her to take care of it. But maybe to her, some things weren’t an issue, so there were some things I had to let go.”

I’ve been there. There are times when I have thought my stepkids were not respectful in how they behaved to their dad, their mom, or me. If the infraction is a violation of how we fundamentally want to run our home or disrespectful to everyone in the home, that’s one thing. If it’s a minor thing - that’s something else that I need to talk to my husband about or learn to let go. Figuring out which category the problem goes into -is always the hard part.

And like many stepparents, Don experienced that isolating sense of losing control of one’s own life and direction, that is common to so many stepparents. I well remember the first time someone else drove away in my car. Don told the Modesto Bee:

“Overnight, I didn’t have a space of my own,” he said. “My money wasn’t mine. My stereo wasn’t mine. My car wasn’t mine. And I couldn’t be myself. If I opened my mouth, I would say something inevitably wrong. I was the outsider, the odd man out. So the kids thought there was something wrong with me because if I did say something, I was out of line, and if I didn’t say something, that was odd, too.”

So Don and Cathy with their feelings and what they were learning as they adjusted to blended family life. They started teaching a class in 2005 for blended families and remarried couples to help them cope with grace and faith. They are even self-publishing a workbook to help other stepfamilies. Way to go Don and Cathy! Thank you for sharing your journey and reaching out to help others.

You may view the latest post at
http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/03/01/couple-with-stepfamily-ministry-shares-what-theyve-learned-conference-today-in-modesto/

ABC Primetime’s Expose of Stepfamilies: Nets a Lawsuit for Diane Sawyer & Company

Posted in Dawn's Writing, News at 7:28 am by Dawn Miller

In 2006, ABC Primetime viewers watching a “Stepfamilies in Crisis” expose, were horrified to see Kyle Nelson, then 15, being assaulted and screamed at by her father and stepmother. One of the most heart-rending scenes showed preschool-aged stepsiblings praying loudly at the dinner table to drown out the sounds of profanity and abuse being heaped on Kyle. I even wrote about it in my column.

The Associated Press reports today that Kyle, now 20 years old, is suing ABC News, its parent corporation (the Walt Disney Company), popular news anchor Diane Sawyer, ABC President Dave Weston, producer David Sloan, and three psychologists associated with the episode. According to the Associated Press:

Attorney Matthew Norfolk, who filed the suit on Nelson’s behalf, said the young woman suffers lasting effects from the abuse and ABC’s airing of it….The lawsuit seeks punitive damages; a permanent injunction against ABC showing the film of the abuse again; and a judgment compelling ABC to fulfill its promises to provide the woman with counseling, Norfolk said. “We maintain that a situation of continual, ongoing child abuse could have been stopped by ABC,” Norfolk told the Plattsburgh Press-Republican. 

The lawsuit requests damages on eight claims relating to the “Primetime” segment, including failure to rescue the girl; promotion of a hostile, hazardous, unsafe and abusive atmosphere; invasion of privacy; failure to report abuse; and publication of the girl’s condition and mental-health status.

The abuse was captured within hundreds of hours of footage filmed by ABC (with permission from the adults in the family) at the family’s home. By the time the special aired, Kyle had moved out of the house and in with her grandparents. 

She moved out of her own volition - not because ABC had reported the abuse to child protection authorities - ABC was way too busy raking in advertising revenue to worry about a teenage girl’s pain and ongoing abuse. By the time the special aired, it was too late for prosecutors to bring abuse charges, as the statute of limitations prevented prosecution of the abuse Kyle had suffered when it was filmed four years later.

After the story aired, ABC’s website was so deluged with thousands of viewer comments and outrage that the network actually had to shut down its viewer comment feature. Many of them called for correspondent Diane Sawyer’s resignation, and it provoked some ethical hand-wringing within the journalism community - where even defenders of Diane Sawyer said they thought she screwed up. After hearing from Kyle Nelson’s family how truly in the dark ABC tried to keep them about the existence of the videotape showing the abuse, even Sawyer’s defenders were ready to point a finger in judgment. ABC execs knew - if they shared the tape with a counselor who was a mandatory child abuse reporter or a family member who shared it with a district attorney - they would lose access to the tape. Their great expose would have been up in smoke, if they had done the right thing.

Meanwhile, a tender and abused teenage girl was dragged into the public eye. Kyle Nelson had to issue a statement asking ABC viewers to not attack her father and even appeared on Good Morning America to let viewers know she was OK. ABC even issued a statement with her teen’s comments to try to quell the hubbub. CNN even had to cover the fuss.

At the time, ABC said it was providing counseling for the entire family, Kyle’s lawsuit alleges that ABC did not fulfill this promise to her. The girl stopped attending counseling because her therapist shared information with her stepmother repeatedly.

Let’s hope Kyle Nelson gets justice for her exploitation by ABC Primetime, and that the people who bungled this will be held accountable.

Additional news stories:

• Elizabethtown Woman Sues ABC News - WPTZ, February 21, 2008
• Reality-Like TV Show Results in Lawsuit, Placid Woman Beaten as Cameras Roll - The Press Republican, February 20, 2008
• ABC News Transcript from Good Morning America - ABC, April 25, 2006
• Calls for Sawyer to Resign after Teen Beating Report - Fox News, April 24, 2006
• ABC Primetime Exposes Stepfamilies on the Brink - TheStepfamilyLife, April 24, 2006

Bloggers chiming in:

• Well, it appears this isn’t over, February 20, 2008 - ABC is messing with my sanity blog
• Save Diane Sawyer’s Job and Kyle’s Family Speaks - When a Journalist Should Intervene Part 2 - Po Bonson’s Blog
• Viewer comments about the original episode (not an ABC website)

The blog posting can be found at:

http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/02/21/abc-primetimes-expose-of-stepfamilies-nets-a-lawsuit-for-diane-sawyer-company/

 

TheStepfamilyLife - The Blended Family Blog has posted a new item, 'Blended Military Family Gets Home Rehabbed'

When National Guard Sgt. Jonathan VanderWert went to Iraq in August, he left behind his wife, Blake, and a blended family with 7 children. They were living in a 120-year-old fixer-upper house in Minnesota bought to hold their large family.

But VanderWert’s deployment to Iraq left their rehab efforts in tatters. Walls were unfinished, only one toilet worked, and the kitchen was cold and in need of serious repair.

The Heroes at Home program stepped in, and spent 3 months remodeling the VanderWert family’s house. Blake and some of the kids stayed rent-free in a nearby house owned by a funeral home, and the rest of the kids stayed with VanderWert’s ex-wife. 

With the problems fixed and the kitchen in much better shape (not to mention warm), the family came home this week. The community contributed money to re-furnish the home for them. Read more about it in the Star-Tribune and Minnesota Public Radio.

Bravo to Heroes at Home for their work helping this military stepfamily!

You may view the latest post at
http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/02/20/blended-military-family-gets-home-rehabbed/

Best regards,
Dawn Miller

TheStepfamilyLife - The Blended Family Blog has posted a new item, 'It's Not Just Stepmoms: New Stepdad Study Confirms Rocky Role Adjustments'

A new British study of stepdads confirms that they often have a difficult time adjusting to their roles, and face conflict, especially with teenage boys. In a story on MS-NBC in south Florida, the struggles of stepdad John Vanek in San Jose with 13-year-old Ian are detailed. Initially thrilled with their decision to wed, Ian races to hig John - but months later the battles for authority and control began - with Ian testing John. It’s a story familiar to many stepfamilies.

The researchers had some interesting things to say:

While stepparents of either gender tend to be aloof, stepdads are more likely than stepmoms to fight with teenage children, especially if the child is a boy, says Erini Flouri, lead author of the study and a researcher at the Institute of Education at the University of London. Stepdads were more likely than biological fathers to see their stepteens as hyperactive or badly behaved, the researchers found.

Experts cited in the article also confirmed the importance of the bio-parent and stepparent being on the same page when it comes to discipline.

Child development experts say that teens often do behave worse for a stepdad than for a biological dad. If kids sense that their mother isn’t going to give unqualified support to the stepdad in an argument, they are more likely to resist efforts at discipline.

There are so many dynamics in a stepfamily. It’s great to see some research being done about stepfathers, as there is very little information available . A case in point - I have a few links for stepdads and books listed on my site. If you know about new links for stepdads, please drop me a note or post a comment.

You may view the latest post at
http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/02/18/its-not-just-stepmoms-new-stepdad-study-confirms-rocky-role-adjustments/

Best regards,
Dawn Miller
dmiller@...

Teaching Our Kids the Value of Volunteering

TheStepfamilyLife, www.thestepfamilylife.com  

by Dawn Miller, dmiller@...  

posted online June 14, 2007 at http://www.thestepfamilylife.com/Column70.htm

 

Service to the community can help draw your family together, help kids understand how their choices and actions impact others, and strengthen community linkages. But how do you pry today’s kids away from the TV screen or computer and develop an ethic of service?

 

I didn’t marry into a mob of revolutionary idealists. My three stepkids were hard-core suburbanites with a touch of sass. Their lives revolved around their friends, an over-the-top devotion to all things pop culture (think E, IM and Paris Hilton 24-7), and the social ups and downs of their daily lives. In other words – they were pretty typical.

 

I was a young and naïve stepmom who’d spent the last ten years as a volunteer and consultant to do-good-causes. So how do you jolt a bunch of teens out of the lethargic embrace of the living room sofa and into action?

 

Ask them to help and make it easy for them to do it. A few years ago, I needed to attach about 5,000 blue and white ribbons to pins and cards to distribute for Child Abuse Prevention Month. I explained the project to the kids over dinner and asked them to help.

 

When they came home from school for a week, the ribbons were conveniently parked in front of the TV. Ergo – watch TV, start pinning. A bunch of ladies at our church helped out too, and we had the whole thing finished lickity-split.

 

Save some money year-round for a project that you do together as a family. Each year at Christmas time our church collects shoeboxes loaded with gifts for needy children around the world and distributes them through the Samaritan’s Purse. We save loose change in a jar and use it to fund shoebox gifts for needy kids.

 

The jar isn’t in an obvious spot, but we refer to it from time to time and add to it all year.

I think repeating the same project for a few years now, has also helped us get more out of it, rather than having a one-shot volunteer moment buried within a jam-packed schedule.

 

Don’t make service a chore. Let them make choices. Seek out kid-friendly volunteer opportunities with local charities, and do things that really make a difference for real people. Find things you can do together as a family like a trail clean-up or making decorations to take to a nursing home.

 

Try to give your child options and choices within a service project, especially if they are in their teens. When we pack the shoebox gifts, my stepdaughter picks out some of the items and goes with us to drop them off. Seeing our boxes go into a giant van with all of the others is pretty gratifying, and lets us see that what we are doing is part of something much bigger.

 

Count on the experience to make the impact. Don’t get preachy. One thing about our shoebox project that we like, is that our kids get to see that lots of kids in the world aren’t as well off as they are.

 

Doing the project together lets us talk about money and giving in front of the kids, and lets their oh-so-consumer-conscious wheels spin a little bit. I can’t say it’s made them less materialistic, but I do think it’s made them more aware of what they have.

 

Encourage kids to reflect on a service experience. Expressing your own feelings about service, and asking children to share their feelings about service (both good and bad), has an impact in the long run because it encourages reflection. During the holidays, we’ll insert into our family prayer at dinner time, a mention of the shoebox gifts and their recipients.

 

Even if you get a few eye-rolls, remember that service has a positive impact on kids. Kids involved in service to the community get better grades, have better attitudes toward school, and relate better to others. They’re also more likely to consider how they can change society, want to understand how government works, and see a connection between politics and morality.

 

Service is an expression of who we are and who we hope to become. Consider how you can involve your family in giving back today.

 

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com. Sign up to get columns delivered to your email in-box every week, or modify your subscription. 

 

 

 

Big Love: Three Reasons Why I Love a Show About Polygamy

TheStepfamilyLife, www.thestepfamilylife.com  

by Dawn Miller, dmiller@...  

posted online May 29, 2007

 

HBO’s hit show, “Big Love,” a tale about the Henricksons, a perfectly average middle class suburban family consisting of a Dad, three wives, and seven kids returns June 11th – and I can’t wait.

 

Perhaps it’s because as a stepmom in a blended family, I see mirrored in the jealousies, feelings, and interactions on the show, some of the situations that emerge in my stepfamily that aren’t addressed in other places.

 

Even if you are not a polygamist, marriage is for so many of us – a package deal. When I married my husband – I didn’t marry just him. I also got 3 kids and one ex-wife.  She is like a satellite in orbit tethered to our marriage. Her choice of words to the kids, financial decisions, and career pursuits affect us.

 

And I’m not the only one with a bio-mom inhabiting my universe. Thirteen million women in the United States today are stepmothers, and 92% of them do not have sole custody of their stepchildren. Shared custody means that stepmoms are influenced by and must interact with bio-moms in many ways. Small wonder “Big Love” resonates so deeply.

 

When Barb wanted to take a teaching job and her sister wives, Nicki and Margene, complained that she was offloading work and counting on them to pick up the slack – I could relate. I could see the knowing nods of a thousand stepmoms stuck with carpool duty, birthday party chauffeuring, and soccer practice because the bio-mom took a new job and dumped the schedule on her after the fact.

 

What one of us does, affects the rest. Like it or not – we are stuck with each other – forever – because of the kids.

 

Our values influence how we raise our children, but just because we are different in approaches doesn’t mean our kids are worse for it. So often in stepfamilies, we find that our core values influence how we structure our households and that our two homes don’t entirely agree. In my home, things will never be spic-and-span, but it will never be as carefree as my husband’s ex-wife’s home – hopefully the kids will in adulthood end up somewhere in the middle between clean and complete pig-sty.

 

Even among the three wives on the show, there is dispute over the core values that guide their lives. Nicki was so scandalized when she caught Margene smoking a cigarette in front of one of the kids, that she reprimanded her for spreading bad values to the kids. And she neglected to realize that by revealing her own secret, Margene lured Teeny into revealing one of her own.

 

As much as we may not like our differences at times in blended families, on many issues, our children are better for getting more than one perspective.

 

Raising children really does take a village. The reality is that our children are influenced by a variety of care-givers and influencers. No matter how good a parent is, he or she cannot spot everything going on with a child. Teachers, coaches, family friends and so many other people affect our children and the people they become.

 

When teenager Ben and his girlfriend Brynn made up after school and started making out, they were caught by Nicki and Margene on pick-up patrol, not his mom and dad. And it’s Margene, the ditzy third wife with a heart of gold, who reminds Ben how lucky he was to be taught that sex is sacred and virginity should not be given away easily. Even strait-edged Nicki notes that it really does take a village to raise children, and no one can do it alone.

 

For a show about a practice most Americans find utterly distasteful, “Big Love” explores what binds non-traditional families together in a way few television shows do.

 

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com. Sign up to get columns delivered to your email in-box every week, or modify your subscription.  Visit Dawn's blog for a daily dose of life in the blender.

 

 

 

Dear Readers,

My new column “The Best Mother’s Day Gift: College Graduation” is available online at:

http://www.thestepfamilylife.com/Column66.htm

Keep stepping up,

Dawn Miller

www.thestepfamilylife.com

 

 

 

The Jell-O of a Blended Family Sets to Normal: Sort-of
TheStepfamilyLife, www.thestepfamilylife.com
by Dawn Miller, dmiller@...
posted online May 8, 2007

 

Last weekend felt blissfully normal. As a stepfamily – I think we’ve arrived at the jell-o phase, and I am so glad to be there.  

 

On Saturday, my 17-year-old stepdaughter watched two movies about blended families – “Stepmom” and the remake of “Yours, Mine, & Ours” and declared them among her favorites. Then she wanted to know if I would get out the scrapbooking toys so we could work on a project together. I merrily obliged. We made a gigantic mess all over the dining table and no one minded.

 

Her brothers were over for dinner on Sunday night and we watched “Planet Earth” on the Discovery Channel after eating. The night was punctuated with comments about how I hate to eat mayonnaise, our picky eater still eats his salad with only lettuce, everyone loves warm little chocolate cakes just out of the oven, and the Dad’s jokes are still as lame as ever.

 

It was a far-cry from the mean-ager years when I would secretly dread the arrival of the kids and ponder privately if our lives would ever get past the boiling moments of their teens. I even wrote a column wondering if we would ever get to feel normal again. We had the slamming doors, the grunting, the eye-rolling, the emotional roller coaster swings, and even an “I hate you” explosion.

 

On a few occasions, I would concoct a reason to leave the house and drive away (or simply flee the premises with no excuse). I’d go up the road and pull into a church parking lot to cry and gather strength to turn around and drive back. If anyone in that church has ever seen me, they must think I am a deranged person.

 

Even when things were going well, it always felt like something was simmering just under the surface. And on more than one occasion – I think each of us – me, my husband, and all of his kids - have complained about feeling like we were walking around on pins and needles and afraid of upsetting someone else.

 

But something in our lives has changed. We’ve solidified as a stepfamily – our hurts aren’t worn on our sleeves, our flare-ups are tempered, and our feelings aren’t raw.

We’ve settled into our stepfamily and somehow gelled together. There was no magic formula – it just took a long time and a lot of patience. Those stepfamily experts were right – it does take about 4 years to hit normal and for a stepfamily to really gel. And I’m so glad we’ve apparently arrived. Here’s three ways a gelled stepfamily is like jell-o.

 

You keep your shape and have cohesion as a stepfamily group. Your stepfamily has norms and habits that its members know and reference - like Dad always tells bad jokes, the older kid always hogs the remote, and the TV is always off when “we” eat dinner.

 

These habits and little bits of knowledge about each other’s preferences and talents take time to build up. Repetition is key – and its redundancy may be maddening, but it’s so important. Some of these habits and routines are even mildly annoying at times, but it’s often in an endearing way.

 

You don’t slip out of the mold easily and you stick with your stepfamily. I don’t dread the arrival of the kids like I used to. I actually miss them when they are not around and I’m grateful they call us, email us, and drop by the house when they are not staying with us.

 

Unlike a lot of stepmoms, my husband never pushed me to do or say “I love you” to my stepkids. He simply let us grow our relationships and figured we would all work out our feelings on our own. I told my husband a few weeks ago that I love the kids. It was something that I came to on my own, which means it’s real, not forced.

 

You bounce back from a poke – or two – or three. Life as a stepfamily is never automatically easy. We have special needs as blended families and we live in a culture that isn’t always set up to best support and meet those needs. And life in general can be tough, whether or not you live a stepfamily.

 

When an ex-spouse goes nuclear, an adult loses a job, or a child suffers a disappointment, a stepfamily pulls together. It doesn’t implode on itself or explode onto everyone else. A gelled stepfamily can bounce back when life gets intrusive or messy. I hope you get there. And I’m so glad we’re feeling like jell-o.

 

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com. Sign up to get columns delivered to your email in-box every week, or modify your subscription.  Visit Dawn's blog for a daily dose of life in the blender.

 

 

 

 

 

 

TheStepfamilyLife Newsletter - April 2007

Note: Due to formatting errors, we are re-sending this issue of the newsletter. We regret the error.

 

From the Editor

Dear Readers,

It’s been a long time since our last newsletter – almost two years to be exact. Let me share the good news first. I quit my job. Yup – overseeing communications for a nonprofit only three blocks from the White House for three years was intense and fun – but exhausting. Add onto the demanding workload: a bad commute, consulting clients, a nagging dissertation, three stepchildren, and one husband – and you know what happened to me last year. I was overweight, out of shape, and stressed out – all the time.

 

My New Year’s resolution was simple – I want balance in my life. We’re remaking our lives into what we want and I’m regaining my balance. I quit the high-power job. I still wear the power suit from time to time. I continue to help nonprofit organizations and businesses make a difference in the world – but it’s on my own time and for my own company that I own. It feels fantastic.

 

I was initially embarrassed to realize how I had allowed the stress in my life to completely overrun my writing schedule. I left my readers and partners high and dry for a long time. And for that, I’m sorry. Then I picked up the keyboard and started writing again. I’m writing regularly both a weekly column about life in stepfamilies and a blog. 

 

I’m very excited to announce that TheStepfamilyLife.com has a new look for its home page. I hope you’ll stop by to check out our streamlined design. You can even compare the new page with the old one. We will be integrating the new look throughout the website over the next couple of weeks. Be patient, as you’ll see our new duds and widgets roll out in phases, and there may be additional tweaking. If you’ve got comments about the new look or suggestions for our site, leave a comment on my blog.

 

As I’ve regained my balance, one thing I’ve come to realize is how many blessings I have in my life – my husband, my stepchildren, our home – and I want to enjoy them. I don’t want to be a stressed out evil witch of a stepmother who scrunches up her eyes in anger and frustration to miss the beauty around her – the beautiful sound of my stepdaughter singing, her brother laughing, my husband happily grilling in the warm weather – all of these things are beautiful to me.

 

Life may be harsh and callously cruel at times – the horrific events of this past week at Virginia Tech brought so much sorrow to us all. But there is still beauty in life and in our relationships with each other. Even a murderous act of incomprehensible inhumanity cannot snuff out good actions and intentions. The professor who held the door shut to save his students, the people who helped the hurting, the lives lived with promise and faith - these are the acts now celebrated and looked to for strength amid sorrow. They are beautiful – beautiful lives, beautiful people – who deserve to be remembered for how they lived, not how they died. So look for the beauty in your own life – it may be hiding in these dark days – but it is there.

 

Keeping stepping up,

Dawn

 

Thought for the Day

If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things.

- Norman Douglas

 

Dawn’s Blog: A Blended Family Blog by Syndicated Columnist & Stepmother Dawn Miller

In February I started blogging – writing about my daily life, the news, and stepmoms in the media. More recently, I’ve written about the New York Times covering stepfamily housing needs, celebrity stepmom Katie Holmes getting along with bio-mom Nicole Kidman, and resources for talking with kids about violence. There’s even a touch of controversy – someone is upset with my comments on stepmom Sandra Bullock! I try to update my blog at least three times per week. Join the online conversation by leaving a comment!

 

Subscribing to Dawn’s Blog & Columns

For Dawn’s Blog: If you use a feed reader like Bloglines or Technorati, you can subscribe to our RSS or ATOM feeds – just put http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/  in your feed search and subscribe. Or you can get blog posts emailed to you automatically by registering on the site.

 

For our weekly columns: Dawn’s Blog is completely separate from the yahoo group that receives weekly columns via email and a unique RSS feed. If you are not yet a member of the yahoo group, it’s very easy to sign up.

 

Recent Columns on TheStepfamilyLife

Tragedy at Virginia Tech April 16, 2007

School Project Scramble: Dad & Stepmom to the Rescue April 10, 2007

Stepmom Friends: A Lifesaver April 2, 2007

National Stepfamily Day: Our Moment to Shine March 26, 2007

The Club: Stepfamilies Belong Too March 19, 2007

Infertility Treatment Choices: Four Things to Know March 12, 2007

A Child Together: Our Dream March 5, 2007

 

Stepfamilies in the News

Stepfamilies Try to Stretch Their Space (The New York Times, April 19, 2007)

Big picture means talk as a family (Contra Costa Times, April 18, 2007)

Mary J. Bilge on Being a Stepmother (Celebrity Baby Blog, April 16, 2007)

14-year-old with Baby Makes Stepmom Think (Seacoast Online, April 13, 2007)

Take it from a Fifth-Year Senior: This Week: You’re Not My Real Son! (The Melting Pot, April 9, 2007)

Offra Gerstein, Relationship Matters: The challenge of being a stepparent to adult children (Santa Cruz Sentinel, April 8, 2007)

Add family members and blend until smooth (Winnipeg Free Press, April 7, 2007)

Blended families (New Jersey Jewish Standard, March 29, 2007)

Cole: After 10 years, girls still dislike stepfather (Salt Lake City Tribune, March 23, 2007)

Husband’s Kids Come Before Me (Glasgow Daily News, March 23, 2007)

 

Book Review: Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads

By Rosalind Wiseman with Elizabeth Rapoport

Published by Crown Publishers, 2006

 

If you’ve ever tried to get involved in the PTA and wondered why you left feeling insecure about your abilities as a parent, winced at hearing a dad (or mom) comment loudly and negatively on the soccer abilities of 5-year-olds from the sidelines, or sat silently while the booster club is hijacked by a parent who’s a bully, then you’ll find much to appreciate in Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads.

 

A never-ending series of power plays among parents – the dramas that all of us see play out every day – are dramatically affecting our children and their schools, playing fields, and life skill development. Wiseman spotlights parents who live out their own insecurities through their kids. They push their children to take a whirlwind of classes, load them up with extra-curricular activities, and fret that it’s not enough to gain admittance to the Ivy League. So it goes one step further – to bullying school administrators, blackballing other kids, and swooping in to rescue our children from the lessons they desperately need to learn on their own.

 

It’s no surprise to see her expertly slice and dice the undercurrents surrounding a Queen Bee Mom and her posse, as they turn a cold shoulder to the new parent stumbling into the book fair planning committee. Wiseman also wrote Queen Bees & Wannabes, the landmark New York Times bestseller on relational aggression in girls. Several personas – from Caveman Dad to Hovercraft Mom, flit through the pages. They’re not labels per se – but tools that help us understand our own roles and behaviors.

 

There is no prissy-footing or tip-toeing around the big issues here. The book offers solid advice with scripts to help parents stand up and build a culture of civility and respect that helps all our children. She encourages parents to challenge the often aggressive, inappropriate, and plain over-the-top behavior exhibited by many parents today. 

 

It’s a field guide in handling uncomfortable conversations between parents and adults who care about children. For example, a dad overhears a couple of women calling his daughter a slut because of how she is dressed. For most parents – the options that immediately come to mind are to start a shouting match with the women, or to slink off in silence. In reality – the dad didn’t like the way his daughter was dressed, and would like for her to dress differently – and was struggling in his relationship with her. Wiseman offers a scripted conversation to guide how the dad could approach these women, state what he overheard, and ask for the situation he’d like to see happen instead.

 

And the reader is not off the hook, either. Wiseman encourages all of us to reflect on our own behaviors and motivations, and consider how we can be part of a community that values its members, treats people with dignity, and supports our children. The conversational and warm tone make for easy reading. Although the book talks directly to parents, there is much of value here for stepparents, educators, and others who care about children and their well-being. As a former youth worker who endured more than a few parental barrages – I found much of comfort and value in this book. As a stepmom to three, I saw some of my own experiences and observations mirrored, found a boatload of helpful advice, and considered my own attitudes and behavior.

 

I met author Rosalind Wiseman during the National Book Festival in Washington, DC last year. I was impressed with her energy and commitment to helping us all build positive communities for our children. When she inscribed her autograph in my book, she added “Stay strong!” We all need to hear that.

 

Buy Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads. Visit TheStepfamilyLife’s bookstore online for more reviews and selections just for stepfamilies.

 

 

 

 

 

TheStepfamilyLife Newsletter - April 2007

 

From the Editor

Dear Readers,

It’s been a long time since our last newsletter – almost two years to be exact. Let me share the good news first. I quit my job. Yup – overseeing communications for a nonprofit only three blocks from the White House for three years was intense and fun – but exhausting. Add onto the demanding workload: a bad commute, consulting clients, a nagging dissertation, three stepchildren, and one husband – and you know what happened to me last year. I was overweight, out of shape, and stressed out – all the time.

 

My New Year’s resolution was simple – I want balance in my life. We’re remaking our lives into what we want and I’m regaining my balance. I quit the high-power job. I still wear the power suit from time to time. I continue to help nonprofit organizations and businesses make a difference in the world – but it’s on my own time and for my own company that I own. It feels fantastic.

 

I was initially embarrassed to realize how I had allowed the stress in my life to completely overrun my writing schedule. I left my readers and partners high and dry for a long time. And for that, I’m sorry. Then I picked up the keyboard and started writing again. I’m writing regularly both a weekly column about life in stepfamilies and a blog.  

 

I’m very excited to announce that TheStepfamilyLife.com has a new look for its home page. I hope you’ll stop by to check out our streamlined design. You can even compare the new page with the old one. We will be integrating the new look throughout the website over the next couple of weeks. Be patient, as you’ll see our new duds and widgets roll out in phases, and there may be additional tweaking. If you’ve got comments about the new look or suggestions for our site, leave a comment on my blog.

 

As I’ve regained my balance, one thing I’ve come to realize is how many blessings I have in my life – my husband, my stepchildren, our home – and I want to enjoy them. I don’t want to be a stressed out evil witch of a stepmother who scrunches up her eyes in anger and frustration to miss the beauty around her – the beautiful sound of my stepdaughter singing, her brother laughing, my husband happily grilling in the warm weather – all of these things are beautiful to me.

 

Life may be harsh and callously cruel at times – the horrific events of this past week at Viginia Tech brought so much sorrow to us all. But there is still beauty in life and in our relationships with each other. Even a murderous act of incomprehensible inhumanity cannot snuff out good actions and intentions. The professor who held the door shut to save his students, the people who helped the hurting, the lives lived with promise and faith - these are the acts now celebrated and looked to for strength amid sorrow. They are beautiful – beautiful lives, beautiful people – who deserve to be remembered for how they lived, not how they died. So look for the beauty in your own life – it may be hiding in these dark days – but it is there.

 

Keeping stepping up,

Dawn

 

Thought for the Day

If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things.
- Norman Douglas

 

Dawn’s Blog: A Blended Family Blog by Syndicated Columnist & Stepmother Dawn Miller

In February I started blogging – writing about my daily life, the news, and stepmoms in the media. More recently, I’ve written about the New York Times covering stepfamily housing needs, celebrity stepmom Katie Holmes getting along with bio-mom Nicole Kidman, and resources for talking with kids about violence. There’s even a touch of controversy – someone is upset with my comments on stepmom Sandra Bullock! I try to update my blog at least three times per week. Join the online conversation by leaving a comment!

 

Subscribing to Dawn’s Blog & Columns

For Dawn’s Blog: If you use a feed reader like Bloglines or Technorati, you can subscribe to our RSS or ATOM feeds – just put http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/ in your feed search and subscribe. Or you can get blog posts emailed to you automatically by registering on the site.

 

For our weekly columns: Dawn’s Blog is completely separate from the yahoo group that receives weekly columns via email and a unique RSS feed. If you are not yet a member of the yahoo group, it’s very easy to sign up.

 

Recent Columns on TheStepfamilyLife

Tragedy at Virginia Tech April 16, 2007

School Project Scramble: Dad & Stepmom to the Rescue April 10, 2007

Stepmom Friends: A Lifesaver April 2, 2007

National Stepfamily Day: Our Moment to Shine March 26, 2007

The Club: Stepfamilies Belong Too March 19, 2007

Infertility Treatment Choices: Four Things to Know March 12, 2007

A Child Together: Our Dream March 5, 2007

 

Stepfamilies in the News

Stepfamilies Try to Stretch Their Space (The New York Times, April 19, 2007)

Big picture means talk as a family (Contra Costa Times, April 18, 2007)
Mary J. Bilge on Being a Stepmother (Celebrity Baby Blog, April 16, 2007)

14-year-old with Baby Makes Stepmom Think (Seacoast Online, April 13, 2007)

Take it from a Fifth-Year Senior: This Week: You’re Not My Real Son! (The Melting Pot, April 9, 2007)

Offra Gerstein, Relationship Matters: The challenge of being a stepparent to adult children (Santa Cruz Sentinel, April 8, 2007)

Add family members and blend until smooth (Winnipeg Free Press, April 7, 2007)

Blended families (New Jersey Jewish Standard, March 29, 2007)

Cole: After 10 years, girls still dislike stepfather (Salt Lake City Tribune, March 23, 2007)

Husband’s Kids Come Before Me (Glasgow Daily News, March 23, 2007)

 

Book Review: Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads

By Rosalind Wiseman with Elizabeth Rapoport
Published by Crown Publishers, 2006

 

If you’ve ever tried to get involved in the PTA and wondered why you left feeling insecure about your abilities as a parent, winced at hearing a dad (or mom) comment loudly and negatively on the soccer abilities of 5-year-olds from the sidelines, or sat silently while the booster club is hijacked by a parent who’s a bully, then you’ll find much to appreciate in Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads.

 

A never-ending series of power plays among parents – the dramas that all of us see play out every day – are dramatically affecting our children and their schools, playing fields, and life skill development. Wiseman spotlights parents who live out their own insecurities through their kids. They push their children to take a whirlwind of classes, load them up with extra-curricular activities, and fret that it’s not enough to gain admittance to the Ivy League. So it goes one step further – to bullying school administrators, blackballing other kids, and swooping in to rescue our children from the lessons they desperately need to learn on their own.

 

It’s no surprise to see her expertly slice and dice the undercurrents surrounding a Queen Bee Mom and her posse, as they turn a cold shoulder to the new parent stumbling into the book fair planning committee. Wiseman also wrote Queen Bees & Wannabes, the landmark New York Times bestseller on relational aggression in girls. Several personas – from Caveman Dad to Hovercraft Mom, flit through the pages. They’re not labels per se – but tools that help us understand our own roles and behaviors.

 

There is no prissy-footing or tip-toeing around the big issues here. The book offers solid advice with scripts to help parents stand up and build a culture of civility and respect that helps all our children. She encourages parents to challenge the often aggressive, inappropriate, and plain over-the-top behavior exhibited by many parents today. 

 

It’s a field guide in handling uncomfortable conversations between parents and adults who care about children. For example, a dad overhears a couple of women calling his daughter a slut because of how she is dressed. For most parents – the options that immediately come to mind are to start a shouting match with the women, or to slink off in silence. In reality – the dad didn’t like the way his daughter was dressed, and would like for her to dress differently – and was struggling in his relationship with her. Wiseman offers a scripted conversation to guide how the dad could approach these women, state what he overheard, and ask for the situation he’d like to see happen instead.

 

And the reader is not off the hook, either. Wiseman encourages all of us to reflect on our own behaviors and motivations, and consider how we can be part of a community that values its members, treats people with dignity, and supports our children. The conversational and warm tone make for easy reading. Although the book talks directly to parents, there is much of value here for stepparents, educators, and others who care about children and their well-being. As a former youth worker who endured more than a few parental barrages – I found much of comfort and value in this book. As a stepmom to three, I saw some of my own experiences and observations mirrored, found a boatload of helpful advice, and considered my own attitudes and behavior.

 

I met author Rosalind Wiseman during the National Book Festival in Washington, DC last year. I was impressed with her energy and commitment to helping us all build positive communities for our children. When she inscribed her autograph in my book, she added “Stay strong!” We all need to hear that.

 

Buy Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads. Visit TheStepfamilyLife’s bookstore online for more reviews and selections just for stepfamilies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi there,

TheStepfamilyLife has added a blog! Stop by to read what’s up with Dawn – life, love, today’s news, the skids – where will Dawn go next? And feel free to leave a comment and join the dialogue!

 

Go to the blog directly at: http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/

 

We’ve also made some improvements to our website – stop by for a look today at http://www.thestepfamilylife.com

 

Keep stepping up!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TheStepfamilyLife is Writing a Book for Stepmoms!
And you can be part of it!

A lot of books about being a stepmom are outright depressing – a few will even make you run away from the love of your life screaming and crying.

Now – there’s going to be a new book for stepmoms – one that helps stepmoms want to reclaim the joy and happiness in their lives – and won’t make them run away from the men they love who have kids from a previous relationship.

For three years, writer Dawn Miller has chronicled her own experiences on TheStepfamilyLife. Now she’s writing a book to help stepmoms. Dawn is looking for some great examples about stepfamily life that she can include in her book. Your story could be in her book. Surveys accepted through May 31, 2006. Send completed surveys to dmiller@....

 

TheStepfamilyLife Survey

Many questions are open-ended – feel free to write as much or little as you like. Some parts of the survey may not apply to you, so you can skip questions. Stories, anecdotes and personal opinions are most useful for the book, so please share as you are willing. Identifying information (first and last names) will be removed for publication purposes. We cannot use any surveys that are not identified with a name, city, state, phone number and email address. We will contact you if we use your information in the book.

 

Tell Us About You                                                                                                                         

 

(1) Your name:

 

(2) Your phone number:

 

(3) Your email address:

 

(4) What city do you live in?

 

(5) What state do you live in?

 

(6) How old are you?

 

(7) How long (years/months) have you been a stepmom?

 

(8) What do you do for a living?

 

Tell Us About Your Stepfamily                                                                                                  

 

(9) Your spouse’s name:

 

(10) Your children’s names and ages:

 

(11) Your stepchildren’s names and ages:

 

Tell Us About Your Custody Situation                                                                                    

 

(12) Do your stepchildren live with you (check one):

­­­__ full time   __ part-time     __ weekends   __ very little of the time   __ not at all  __ N/A

 

(13) Do your natural children live with you (check one):

__ full time   __ part-time     __ weekends   __ very little of the time   __ not at all  __ N/A

(14) Explain your custody situation:

 

Tell Us About Your Marriage                                                                                                      

(15) How did you meet your husband?

 

(16) If you like, share a special story from your courtship/dating period:

 

(17) What made you fall in love with your husband?

 

(18) Why did you decide to marry him?

 

(19) If you like, share a story about your wedding:

 

(20) What kinds of activities do you and your husband like to do together?

 

(21) How do you and your husband keep your marriage strong?

 

(22) In your opinion, what strategies contribute to a successful marriage within the context of a stepfamily?

 

(23) Is there anything else you’d like to share about your marriage?

 

Tell Us About Meeting Your Stepchildren                                                                              

 

(24) Tell us about the first time you met your stepchildren:

 

(25) How has your relationship with your stepchildren evolved over time?

 

(26) Would you describe your relationship with your stepchildren as more like a parent or a friend? Why?

 

(27) Do you financially support your stepchildren? What factors influenced your decision to support them financially?

 

(28) Are you and your husband a “team” when it comes to dealing with his kids and/or your kids? Why or why not?

 

(29) Share a story about your stepchildren that is a special memory for you.

 

(30) Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about your stepchildren?

 

Tell Us About Your Natural Children                                                                                       

(31) Describe your relationship with your natural children.

 

(32) Describe your spouse’s relationship with your natural children.

 

(33) Describe your relationship with your children’s father.

 

(34) Share a story about your children that is a special memory for you:

 

(35) Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about your natural children?

 

Tell Us About Your Relationship With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife/Mother of His Children

 

(36) Would you characterize your relationship with your husband’s ex-wife/mother of his children as: warm/friendly, cordial/polite, hostile, or nonexistent. Why?

 

(37) What strategies do you use when dealing with your husband’s ex-wife?

 

(38) Is there anything else you would like to share about your husband’s ex-wife?

 

Tell Us About Your Extended Family                                                                          

 

(39) Describe your relationship with your husband’s extended family (e.g. mother-in-law/father-in-law/sister-in-law/brother-in-law). Do you feel accepted as a “member of the family” by your husband’s extended family? Why or why not?

 

(40) Describe your relationship with your extended family (e.g. mother, father, brother, sister). Do you feel they accept your husband, children and/or stepchildren?

 

(41) How does your husband’s family treat his ex-wife/the mother of his children?

 

(42) What challenges do you face in dealing with your husband’s extended family? How do you deal with these challenges?

 

(43) Is there anything else you’d like to share about your extended family?

 

Tell Us More About You                                                                                                              

 

(44) What did you personally gain when you became a stepmom?

 

(45) What did you personally give up when you became a stepmom?

 

(46) When things are difficult with your stepfamily, how do you cope?

 

(47) Do you find religious faith helps you deal with your role as a stepparent? How?

 

(48) Is there anything else you’d like to share about yourself?

 

Tell Us How Others Could Help Stepfamilies                                                                        

 

(49) How could schools better help stepfamilies?

 

(50) How could religious organizations better support stepfamilies?

 

(51) How could the counseling/psychological support community better support stepfamilies?

 

(52) How could stepfamily websites better support stepfamilies?

 

(53) Is there anything else you’d like to share about how others could help stepfamilies?

 

Tell Us Anything Else You’d Like                                                                                             

 

(54) Is there anything else you’d like to share that might help our book?

 

Thank you for taking our survey and sharing your experiences and opinions with us. We deeply appreciate your support for this project. Email completed surveys by May 31, 2006 to dmiller@....