The Good... The Bad... The Ugly

Good... your wife is pregnant
Bad... it's triplets
Ugly... you had a vascectomy 5 years ago

Good... your wife is NOT talking to you
Bad... she wants a divorce
Ugly... she's the lawyer

Good... your son is finally maturing
Bad... he is involved with the woman next door
Ugly... SO are you

Good... your son studies alot in his room
Bad... you find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly... you're in them

Good... your hubby and you agree, NO MORE KIDS!!
Bad... you can't find your birth control pills
Ugly... your 13 year old daughter borrowed them!

Good... your husband understands fashion
Bad... he's a cross dresser
Ugly...he looks better in your outfits than you do!

Good... you give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad... she keeps interrupting
Ugly... with corrections

Good... The postman's early
Bad... He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly... you got him NOTHING for Christmas

Good... your son is dating someone new
Bad... it's another man
Ugly... he's your best friend

Good... your daughter got a new job
Bad... as a hooker
Ugly... your co-workers are her best clients
Way Ugly... she makes 5 times the income you do!!!

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven.

St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there
were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different
time of day.

When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a
clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the
hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told."

Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to
Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two
lies in his life.

Hillary asked "Where is Bill's clock?'' St. Peter replied, ''Jesus
has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan."

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came
down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest
town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker
in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the
second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the
hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the
stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right
and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest
hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well,
you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed
her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to
open those beers first."

An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket
of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want
coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks it down
in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air,
blasts it with his shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one
hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to
the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up the mess
from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about
anyway?"

The Indian smiles proudly and says, "Me train for upper management
position. Me come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for
others to clean up, then disappear for rest of day!"

My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend,
Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently got front-
row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert
in our town.

When they returned home from the concert that night,
I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My
daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an
saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At
first we thought people were holding up cigarette
lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the
reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that
in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord
will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom,
or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by
a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

The lobster princess

Duncan the humble crab, and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly,
deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic
relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.

We can't see each other anymore... she sobbed.

Why? gasped Duncan

Daddy says that crabs are too common, she wailed. He claims you are a
mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of
crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can
only walk sideways.

Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness
to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came
from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the Lobster Princess
refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side,
inconsolable.

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped, and the
King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the
Crab made his way across the floor... and all could see that he was
walking - not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he
finally looked King Lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush....

For quite a while...

Finally, the crab spoke...

Dammit, I think  I'm pissed.

George W. Bush is at the stadium and begins his speech
to open the Olympic Games: "Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo!
Ooooooo! Ooooooo!"

An aide comes over and whispers: "Mr President, those
are the Olympic rings, your speech is below!"

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when
she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill
dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from
her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was
distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who
was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might
be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and
wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written,
"Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the
window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with
a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the
street.

The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when
she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on
seeing her.

She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting
for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills.
When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's
the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

There were two old men sitting on a park bench. A blonde woman
walks by.

One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A brunette then walks by. The old man says to the other, "Ever
sleep with a brunette?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A redhead walks by, and  the old man says to the other, "Ever
sleep with a redhead?"

The other old man says, "Not a wink."

While at the sports store looking for a gift for her grandson's 21st
birthday, a woman picks up a rod & reel and takes it over to the
counter.

"Excuse me," she asks, "can you tell me anything about this
rod & reel?"

"I'm completely blind," says the shop assistant, "but if you
drop it on the counter I can tell you all about it from the sound it
makes."

The woman is sceptical, but drops it anyway.

"That's an 8 foot surf caster Shakespeare Graphite Model 667 rod
fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20 pound Berkley
Fireline. It's a good all round combination - on sale this week for
$199.00," reports the shop assistant.

The woman is astounded.

"I'll take it," she says, totally amazed. "I can't believe you can
tell all that just by the sound."

She gets out her credit card but drops it on the floor. As she bends
down to pick it up she noisily breaks wind. At first she goes red
with embarrassment, but remembering the shop assistant is blind, she
realises he can't know it was her or someone else nearby.

So she boldly hands her credit card to the assistant who rings up the
sale.

"That'll be $254.50 thanks," he says.

The woman is now confused.

"I'm sorry," she begins. "Didn't you tell me the rod was on sale for
$199.00?"

"Yes, ma'am," answers the shop assistant. "The rod and reel is
$199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fish bait is $19.50."

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do,
we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a rooster." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise
you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ... " he
sighed, "let's put all these CornFlakes back in the box."

Comedians' Best Lines of 1997
--------------------------------

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I
should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like
you?'
--Larry Miller

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I
replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.
Now I'll have to kill you too."
--Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"I always said I wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon
there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get
past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got
the toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld



Contributed by Gina

Words You Won't Find In the Dictionary...But Should
-------------------------------------------------------

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been
abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is
destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many
species.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell
without funding.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to
visit.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and
prevents you from drifting off to sleep.


Contributed by Gina

Astrological After-sex Comments


Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

Body Meeting

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide
who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the
body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen
all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food
and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to
see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible
for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so
in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was
toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?

The Asshole is usually in charge.

Playing Doctor

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few
beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both
doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, 'Hey, how
about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just
be one night of fun.' The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in
the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the
operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in
the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we
started."

"Oh, that makes sense', says the woman. ' You're an anesthesiologist
aren't you?"

"Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Drug Problem

I had a drug problem when I was young.

I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather.
I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.

One Crazy Baptism

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get
anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not
been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One
said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play
with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go
out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What
religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water
on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're
not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yes. What do you think that means?"

"That means we're Pisscopalians."

Deep in the back woods of Louisiana, a redneck's
wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The
doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold
this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby
boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a
rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another
one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had
delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's
another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he
had delivered a third baby.

"Don't put down that lantern, it seems there's yet
another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and
asked! the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light
that's attractin' 'em?"

A beautiful, sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to
hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the
manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to
speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into
his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't." breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I
can do?"

"Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running
her forefingers across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room."

Viagra Top 10 Slogans that didn't make the cut.


10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there
overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis . . . This is your penis on drugs.