The low-key approach to dealing with tantrums
Dealing with persistent or severe tantrums
Tips on staying tantrum-free yourself

• Tantrums are how small children deal with frustration and disappointment.
• Children don’t tantrum just to annoy you.
• Tantrums are more likely if your child is stressed or tired.
• Reducing events that trigger tantrums can help prevent them.
• Having a plan for what to do when your child tantrums will make it easier for you to stay calm.

Tantrums are what you do when you don’t have more grown-up ways of dealing with frustration and disappointment.

Coming in all shapes and sizes, temper tantrums can involve spectacular explosions of anger and frustration and disorganised behaviour (when your child ‘loses it’). You might see crying, screaming, stiffening limbs, arching backs, kicking, falling down, flailing about or running away. In some cases, children hold their breath, vomit, break things or get aggressive as part of a tantrum.

Some children throw more tantrums than others. A child’s temperament can influence how emotional a child becomes when they are frustrated. All children are more likely to tantrum when they are feeling stressed, hungry, tired or overstimulated. Like adults, children are more likely to tantrum when they find themselves in a situation they just can’t cope with (for example, an older child takes a toy away from them).

If your child throws tantrums, you are not alone. Researchers in the United States asked over 1200 parents about their children’s tantrums, and this is what they found: 

Tantrums are extremely common among children aged 18-36 months, but usually tail off by the time a child turns four.

How often do most kids tantrum? And how long do tantrums generally last? The parents in this study reported that, on average, tantrums lasted for:

• two minutes in one-year-olds
• four minutes in two- to three-year-olds
• five minutes in four-year-olds

and occurred:

• eight times a week for one-year-olds
• nine times a week for two-year-olds
• six times a week for three-year-olds
• five times a week for four-year-olds.

Tantrums decline as children develop more effective ways of handling bad feelings and communicating their wants and needs using words. However tantrums can continue – even into adulthood – if they become a reliable way for your child to get what he wants. There is a lot you can do to make it less likely that tantrums will continue into the school-age years. The most important of these is to make sure you don’t accidentally reward tantrums.

The low-key approach to dealing with tantrums

This approach is suitable for very young children (one- to two-year-olds), or for children whose tantrums do not occur very frequently or very severely.

• Prevent tantrums by reducing stress. Tired, hungry and overstimulated children are more likely to throw tantrums.
• Be aware of how your child is feeling. If you can see a tantrum brewing, step in and try distracting your child with another activity.
• Identify tantrum triggers. If certain situations – shopping, visiting or mealtimes – frequently involve temper tantrums, think of ways to make these events easier on your child. For example, you could time the situations so your child is not tired, eats beforehand, or is not required to behave for too long.
• When a tantrum occurs, stay calm (or pretend to!). If you get angry, it will inflame the situation and make it harder for both of you. If you need to speak at all, keep your voice calm and level, and act deliberately and slowly.
• Wait out the tantrum – ignore the behaviour until it stops. Once a temper tantrum is in full swing it’s too late for reasoning or distraction. Your child won’t be in the mood to listen, and you run the risk of teaching your child that tantrums get your full involvement and attention. 
• Make sure that there is no pay-off for the tantrum. If the tantrum occurs because your child does not want to do something (such as get out of the bath), gently insist that he does (pick him up out of the bath). If the tantrum occurs because your child wants something, do not give him what he wants.
• Be consistent and calm in your approach. If you sometimes give your child what he wants when he tantrums and sometimes don’t, the problem could become worse.
• Reward good behaviour. Enthusiastically praise your child when he manages frustration well.

Dealing with persistent or severe tantrums

You can use the following approach if your child is older than two and:

• tantrums are severe and very disruptive to family life
• tantrums are causing you and your child significant distress
• you find it difficult to ignore tantrums
• you worry that you might become angry and hurt your child when he tantrums.

1. Keep a diary of your child’s tantrums for 7-10 days. Draw up a chart with four columns. Record the day of the tantrum, where it happened, what happened just before it, and what happened right afterwards.
   
2. Identify the situations that make tantrums more likely to occur (for example, tiredness, going shopping, mealtimes). Plan ways of avoiding those situations or making them less stressful for your child.
   
3. Identify the triggers for your child’s tantrums. Common triggers include being told ‘no’ or being asked to do something. Look for ways of reducing or avoiding tantrum triggers. The table below has some ideas.
   
   

   Trigger	Prevention
   Being told ‘no’	Put attractive but fragile items out of reach (have older children put their favourite toys out of reach). Say ‘yes’ whenever it is reasonable to do so. Offer choices. Distract your child with another activity.
   Being asked or told to do something	Give fewer instructions – it’s easy to fall into the trap of telling children what to do all the time. Check that your instructions are reasonable – tantrums are more likely if your child is unable to do what he is being asked to do. Let your child know in advance when you have to do something so he is warned of impending change. Offer choices where possible.
   Frustration with an object or activity (for example, making a toy work)	Provide help before the tantrum. Put frustrating toys or activities out of reach. Spend some time teaching your child how to use the object.

4. Identify the consequences of the tantrum. Can you see ways that the behaviour is being accidentally rewarded by your actions or the actions of others?
   
5. Establish a reward system to give your child extra encouragement for staying calm.
   
6. Help your older child learn and practise coping skills in situations where he’d normally have a tantrum. For example, ‘Michael, in five minutes time I am going to ask you to turn off the Xbox. This is a chance for you to show me how calm and grown-up you can be. How are you going to handle it?’ Or, ‘Sonia, take a deep breath and stay calm. I want you to stay calm after you have my answer. Can you do that?’
   
7.  Here are two possible options when your child throws a tantrum:

• Ignore the tantrum: turn away from your child, do not look at or speak to your child while they tantrum. It might help to walk away from your child.
• Use time-out: this is an effective strategy if the tantrums are particularly severe or you find it impossible to ignore tantrums.

Tips on staying tantrum free yourself

Dealing with tantrums can be enormously draining and stressful for parents. Tantrums often seem so senseless and irrational. Here are some ideas for staying calm and keeping things in perspective.

• Develop a strategy. Have a clear plan for how you will handle a tantrum in whatever situation you are in. Concentrate on implementing your plan when the tantrum occurs.
• Accept that you cannot control your child’s emotions or behaviours directly. You can only keep your child safe and do what you need to do so that tantrums will be less likely to occur in the future.
• Accept that it will take time for change to occur. Your child has a lot of growing up to do before tantrums become a thing of the past.
• Beware of thoughts that your child is doing it on purpose or is trying to get you. Children do not deliberately scheme to throw tantrums – they are stuck in a bad habit or just don’t have the skills right now to cope with the situation.
• Keep your sense of humour. Try to see the funny side of the human blowfly on the supermarket floor.
• Ignore the disapproving glances of onlookers. They either have never had children or it has been so long since they had a young child they have forgotten what it’s like.
• Don’t judge yourself as a parent based on how many tantrums your child has. Rather, judge yourself on how you respond – even then, give yourself plenty of leeway to be human and make mistakes.

There is no sense in enduring high levels of stress on your own. It is a good idea to get professional help if you are:

• finding it hard to keep tantrums in perspective and they are becoming more than just an annoyance
• having trouble controlling your own emotions and find yourself getting angry and losing your own temper
• starting to restrict your own activities and the rest of your family’s because of one child’s tantrums.