Oscar, I think this poem [finito] is great...love the language through out and the contrast used in the second stanza where you add color. I also agree with...
Susan, This piece [Telephone Call] is good in the idea that when we receive a phone call that interupts our day and appears to be urgent, we tend to get knots...
Majestic Bounty From river beds to mountain tops rolling hills and valley drops volcanic whispers to water falls mother nature bares no walls sunlit skies...
Hi Naomi, It is great to see your work. This piece reminds me of a song and could be lyrics to one nicely. I like the idea but it almost sounds like a...
Yesterday; Today Yesterday no one answers the phone. Today a busy signal drones on. …what I want to tell you seems clear. …gathering clouds begin to worry...
"volcanic whispers to water falls" This seems to be an odd pairing, but I like the contrast, the non-traditional approach. "majestic bounty heed thy light for...
Hello Jamie, "volcanic whispers to water falls": I thought it odd too when it flowed from my fingers to my computer screen, but it was oddly nice to me as...
I like the idea of this poem - and I think I'd like to feel more of the tug of stagnation and inertia, maybe expression of more extremes or more exasperation...
I like the lyricism of this poem alot. A couple of lines, though, don't come through as clearly as others: "mother nature bares no walls" - (I don't...
Susan, "mother nature bares no wall" For me, I can only explain that mother nature spreads her beauty and richness all around...as far as the eye can...
I turned the page on my Texas Poetry calendar and there was the poem Mockingbird Riff by Mary Margaret Carlisle! Very energetic - I bet it sounds great in a...
Larry: I thought I'd mention that although I read all the comments posted for your poem, I personally was unable to recommend a single change, and feel the...
Yard Bird Trilogy Peep of chickens Flutter tonguing the yard always squawking and pecking with an eye to the ground. Mockingbird flock scatting swooping and...
Thanks, Oscar, an interesting beginning. To lead the reader more quickly to music, consider clarifying by using more musical references, and including terms...
Yard Bird Trilogy Peep of chickens fluttering in the yard always squawking and pecking with an eye to the ground. Mockingbird scatting swooping and jivin' ...
The Guardian Creaking thru the gate, the servant darted his eyes back and forth. What danger lies past the guardian? Should I be afraid of what is ahead or...
Thank you, Susan. your comments are appreciated. I have made some adjustments and eliminated the french. I agree the 'c'est la vie' was a bit too light...
I like the title. This poem reminds me of a Tolkien tale. This piece gives me the impression that the guardian is in place to keep people out, especially with...
Comments appreciated - Ada A Lorentz Transformational Moment Yesterday I lit four candles on my daughter's birthday cake; she blew out twenty-four. I still see...
The gate is creaking. The servant is creeping on all fours, because it's a fantasy poem with some creepiness to it. What do you suggest for clarification?...
Ada, the movement in the poem is deftly handled—up to the point of "Milliseconds, microseconds" which imposes on the tone you have set. Something more...
Ada - I like the way you allow me to visualize the transformation with the first 3 lines of this piece. The 4th-6th lines again paint a picture of the parent...
How we get to the sea Relentless and inevitable like a Mississippi touching lives, cutting wide, the detritus of erosion flowing muddy before one last lapping...
I like this a lot, with only one thing I'd modify and that is the last line. Somehow it [seems] a little too pat, after some wonderful images throughout the...
Susan,I wanted to use imagery to convey how we get caught up in the way we live our lives and yet all arrive at the same destination. Your suggestion was a...
A few comments: last line of the first stanza, you have the nice description of the salt marsh cuisine - to reinforce that consider changing lapping to taste. ...
Not Goodbye A young man solid with integrity stood with heart, Clenched jaw and fist, yet rhythm of foxtrots A covenant I made with him lets me say this: He...
Oscar: Powerful writing, as always. Several suggestions: Consider making this "in the moment" by removing some of the "ing" words. For instance, in the...
Susan: There is so much that could be said in praise of this thoughtful poem, although it has a few places that might benefit with clarification, but it is...
Thank you for responding, Mary. No, I'm not a part of a poetry workshop. I will look for one. Can you suggest any? I know this needs a lot of work! Susan...
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