These are great .. especially for anyone who studied marketing!!

Regards

Owen

p.s. If you know anyone who wants to join the mailing list, just drop me a
line at ugh@...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Top 10 MOST BRILLIANT MARKETING BLUNDERS:

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people there wanted a
"manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the
label of what's inside, since so many people there can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave" in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the
dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant
to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant."

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Here's one sent in by Vince. YOu can find more of Vince's material at
http://www.geocities.com/Shaktani

Enjoy

Ugh!!
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The Radar Trap
--------------

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But
one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem:
A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand
painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,
another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS"
and a bucket at his feet, full of change.


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Here's one sent in by Ruth:

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's
60th birthday.  During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because
they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one
wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to
see the world.  I wish we could travel all over the world."  The fairy waved
her wand and POOF!  She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn.  He paused for a moment, and then said,
"Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF!  He was 90.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ever been to Egypt, Malta, Isle of Man, Bermuda or Australia? Ever wanted to
go? Check out http://www.only-network.com/postcards for some great images to
send to friends and family.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This is a GREAT joke, bit long, but worth a read!


BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE

Customer: Hi.  How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18.  How
many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great.  That will be $60 plus tax.
====
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question.  The lowest price is $9 a gallon,
and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions.  When do you intend to
use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to
start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at
least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here.  Of course, I'll have to check to see
if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have
shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it.  It may be
the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given
weekend.  Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir.  You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a
day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint
yet, we just decided to change.  Unless you want the same thing to happen
again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase.  How many gallons
do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly.  Maybe five gallons.  Maybe I should buy six
gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that.  If you buy the paint and then don't
use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right.  We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen,
bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We
make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you
don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!  I suppose something terrible will happen if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it!  I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir.  We all have the same rules.  Thanks
for painting with our airline.

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Yes ... we have 5 new pictures up this weekend! Thanks go to Lega for
sending them in. Check them out, just follow the links below:

Bad Hair: Having a bad hair day:
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=badhair.jpg&desc=Havin
g%20a%20bad%20hair%20day!

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Lost Pup: Where the hell is that pup?
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=lostpup.jpeg&desc=Wher
e%20the%20hell%20is%20that%20pup?

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Mars: First Mouse on Mars
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=mars.jpg&desc=First%20
mouse%20on%20Mars

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The Original Australian Centerfold
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=AustralianCenterfold.j
pg&desc=The%20original%20Australian%20Centerfold

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Scud: The latest in Middle East Technology
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=scud.gif&desc=The%20La
test%20in%20Middle%20East%20Technology

Enjoy

Ugh!!

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Here's one sent in by Stanley:

Enjoy

Owen

p.s. have you sent a CruelCard recently ?
http://www.cruelcard.com

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they
take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman
asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off
the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they
were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of
'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader
ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that.
In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the
eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..."



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Here's a joke for this evening. I was planning to send it yesterday evening,
but I was hard at worn on Only Postcards (adding Postcards from Bermuda).
Have a look at it at
http://www.only-network.com/postcards/bermuda.asp

Enjoy

Owen


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

PRESIDENTIAL SAVINGS PLAN

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box
under our bed.  You must promise never to look in it."  In all their 30
years of marriage, Hillary never looked.  However, on the afternoon of their
30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and
peeked inside.  In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in
cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry.  For all these years I kept my promise and never
looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much
and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the
box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you
deserve to know the truth.  Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I
guess  after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does
happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of
years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace.  A little while later, Hillary asked Bill,
"So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

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Here's a couple of mid-week jokes.

Enjoy

Owen

btw,
I'm working on an eCard site in my free time. Check it out at
http://www.only-network.com/postcards - You can send postcards with images
from Malta, Egypt and the Isle of Man

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for
speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked
up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:

"I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."

He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She
was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The
artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I
drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him
where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man
arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

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Here's some to start the week.

Enjoy

Ugh!!

p.s. Seen my new website? you can send postcards with images from Malta and
Egypt
http://www.only-network.com/postcards

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

  A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different
bottles of pills.  The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of
water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after
lunch.  Then just before going to bed,take the red pill with another big
glass of water."  Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers,
"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"  Doctor says, "You're not drinking
enough water."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Qu.  What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great Lawyer?
Ans.  A good lawyer knows the law and a great lawyer knows the judge.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some
pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

  Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying,
tears were pouring down his face.  The other guy asked, "Why are you
crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test." The second one
asked,  "So? Why are you crying?  Are you afraid?" The first guy replied,
"No, During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one
started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other,  "Why are
you crying?" Then the second guy replied,  "I'm here for
a urine test."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde
jokes.
So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in
the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She
interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with
these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night
and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state
capitals." One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is
the capital of Nevada?"  "N," she answered.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "keep tightly closed."


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Here's a couple for the weekend.

Enjoy

Owen

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was
called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire
department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be
called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any
assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled
straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and
stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that
right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded,
wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes
fixed on our fire truck!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Have you visited CruelCard our featured web site?
http://www.cruelcard.com - Show someone you care!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few
boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were
hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray.  We take
him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're
having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him
home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest
telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon
against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and
ending with, "Why, when I
was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with
satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep
sigh.  "All right," he said, "give him the dog."

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Here's a cute joke for tonight. Remember who laugh's last, laugh's best.
The's more gender jokes at my web site:
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/humor  Check them out and have a laugh.

Cheers

Owen

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect women met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving
their perfect car (an Audi Quatio) along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,they
stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas. The perfect
couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were drivng
along delivering the toys.

Unfortunatly, the driving conditons deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident. Only one survived the accident. Who was the
survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place.Everyone knows there is no santa claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men scroll down.













So if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way,
if you're a woman and you are reading this, this illustrates another point.


Women never listen.



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Here's some more pictures to make you smile! Oh, and if you haven't been
there, check out a web site I've set up recently. It's called CruelCard.com
and you can find it at
http://www.cruelcard.com

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Here are the pictures:

1. Liveware - This might happen to all of us!
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=liveware.jpg&desc=This
%20might%20happen%20to%20all%20of%20us!

2. This card can't possible exist.
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=getoff.jpg

3. Man vs Dragon
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=dragon.jpg&desc=Man%20
vs%20Dragon

Enjoy

Owen

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    Personal Mail : owen@...
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A priest was called away for an emergency.  Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the
street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi told him he wouldn't
know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd
stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi
comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive me for
I have sinned."  The priest asks "What did you do?"  The woman says,
"I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box and go and
sin no more."  A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.  He
says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest:"How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box and go and
sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest
leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me
for I have sinned."

Rabbi:"What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times.  We have a special this week, three
for five dollars."

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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Here's 3 pictures to keep you smiling through the weekend:

Kid's questions today:
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=download.gif

Why employees should have free Internet
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=email2.jpg

The Internet and Weddings
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=email1.gif

Enjoy

Ugh!!

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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Owen Cutajar -
    Personal Mail : owen@...
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This is old .. but it's great :) I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did.
And remember, if you know anyone who wants to join the list, point them to
http://www.only-network.com/OnlyHumor

Enjoy

Owen

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and
uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice
cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's
number.  This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.(For God's sake men are you listening?!?!)
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while
dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel
rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is
only fun until someone loses an eye.  It will rewrite your backup files,
changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating
undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub.  It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole
milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

In case you are a blonde, this is a joke


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Here's one submitted by Stanley,

Enjoy

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he
could relax.

The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the
water pitcher.  After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able
to talk up a storm.  He felt great! However, upon his returning to the
rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor.

It Read:
1.  Next time SIP. don't gulp
2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.  We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5.  The recommeded grace before meals  is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the
grub. Yeah God"
6.  David slew Goliath, he didn't "Beat the shit out of him"
7.  Don't refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as "JC and the Boys"
8.  It's always "Virgin Mary" not "Mary with a cherry"
9.  The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not "Big Daddy, Junior, and
the Spook"
10. And last but not least, next Wednesday there is a taffy pulling contest
at St Peter's Church, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's Church.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

That was pretty good in my opinion. Anyway, keep, em coming in and if you
know anyone who wants to join the list, point them at
http://www.only-network.com/Humor

Regards

Owen


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Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

24 hours in a day  24 beers in a case  coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Hope you enjoyed them :)

Regards

Owen

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Wife 1.0 Upgrade
----------------

  Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention
of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the
documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected
(even though they always worked fine before).

  At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

  Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
  * A 'Don't remind me again' button
  * Minimize button
  * An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the
option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system
resources.
  * An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow
the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

  I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You
must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing
bug which I should have been aware of.

  Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the
I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.  To make
matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very
well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

  Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

  ****** BUG WARNING ******
  Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.

  ****** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ******
  To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry
viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.


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Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.  They
decided to have fun with the man.  One of the Englishmen walked
over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said,
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies.  "I told him
St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care."  The second
Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off ...
watch and learn."  So, the second Englishman walked over to the
Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your
St. Patrick was a transvestite!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
"You're right.  He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off ...
just watch."  So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman,
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an
Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."



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Today we have a couple of jokes from some work mates of mine. Enjoy !

One from Nik:
=============

I am reminded of the English manor, where the mistress had just hired a new
house maid, an Irish lass, straight out of the country.

The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of the
house sat reading.  On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl
containing a couple of small round white balls.  She, being curious and not
bashful, asked, "What are these?"

He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf balls."

She said, "OH!", and went on dusting.

A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the master
was again reading.  Again, in the same bowl were small white balls, only now
there were four.  She said, "I see you shot another Golf."

And one from Colin
==================

Nothing you can do with math applies after reading this. I think that all
structural calculations I have ever done are now invalid because of the flawed
system.  The world is about to end.

Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large Pizzas. The delivery
boy brings them up with a bill for exactly $30.00.  Each guy gives him a $10.00
bill, and he leaves.

When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made.  The
bill was only $25.00, not $30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five $1.00
bills and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza.

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought. These guys did
not give him a tip.  He figures that since there is no way to split $5.00 evenly
three ways anyhow, he will keep two dollars for himself and give them back three
dollars.

OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the
bill, and hands the guy the three dollars, and then departs with his two-dollar
tip in his pocket. Now the fun begins!

Remember $30-$25=$5 Right?
$5-$3=$2 Right?
So what's the problem?
All is well, right?

Not quite. Answer this:
Each of the three guys originally gave $10.00 each.
They each got
back $1.00 in change.
That means they paid $9.00 each, which times three is $27.00.  The delivery boy
kept $2.00 for a tip. $27.00 plus $2.00 equals $29.00.

Where the heck is the other dollar?


Think about it

Ugh!!

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Here's another couple to brighten your day. Remember. If you know anyone who
wants to sign up, he can join at http://www.only-network.com/Humor

Enjoy

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little
girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Send a CruelCard - Show someone you care
http://www.cruelcard.com
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each
other.
When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into
the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the
man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt
you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats
and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the
respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed
casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began
to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The old woman's neighbors approached her in a group to ask is she was
afraid, concerned, or worried that this man would come back for her. "He did
say that he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt
you," they reminded her.

The old woman put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig... I had
him buried upside down."

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2 new jokes today, a picture on the site and a joke in this email.

Enjoy
-----------------------------------------------------
JOKE PIC FOR TODAY

Hate your job ? .. Well .. it could be worse:
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=worstjob.jpg&desc=And+
you+thought+YOUR+job+was+bad

-----------------------------------------------------

Do you shop online? If you do you should sign up with TargetShop. Not only
do they offer some of the best deals on the Net, but till the end of May
they're paying $37.50 for every member you help sign up. So sign up today
and get own your referral code.
http://TargetShop.com/users/level1.asp?REFID=1082464

-----------------------------------------------------
THE THIRSTY SNAIL

The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at
the door. He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.

"What do you want?" asks the owner.

"I want a beer," says the snail.

"First of all, we're closed, and second of all, we don't serve snails. So go
away!"

The snail begs and pleads for a beer.

The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door.


ONE YEAR LATER....

The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at
the door. He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.

"What'd you do that for?" asks the snail.

-----------------------------------------------------

*grin*

Ugh!!

Enjoy:


THE CRAZY GIFT EXCHANGE
-----------------------
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.  For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet.  Finally the husband asked what
was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again.  "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know?  Well, I'll tell you.  I have
cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on
Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said.  "Not once in 15 years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."


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Well,

Here's one for the weekend. In the meantime, work has started on the new
OnlyHumor web site at http://www.only-network.com/Humor, but we still have a
LOOOONG way to go before it's ready. You can ask people to sign up to the
mailing list at that page though

Anyway .. here's today's joke

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
_____________________________

Welcome aboard!  You are one of our most valued new employees.
Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.

OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have
the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of
overtime.

PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion.  We like
to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy
to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the
CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.

STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes
public.  So named because you'll be working in the stock room at
Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.

401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option"
plan.

HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O.
That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization."  It was organized by
some of Hell's finest minds; Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin
worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the
exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:

1) You belong to the HMO.  We mean that literally - as of now, the
HMO owns you.  To insure that you don't forget your subscriber number,
we will tattoo it to your forehead.

2) You have been assigned a primary care physician.  You will not be
told your physician's name.  You may never see your physician.  Your
physician is imaginary.  If you see any doctor without express written
permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be
forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.

3) You are not covered under this plan.

TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being
fired.  We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period"
to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten
to take during his or her period of employment.

COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints"
in the employee break room.  All complaints will be reviewed,
processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.

Enjoy the weekend,

Ugh!!

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A shorty for today .. sent in by Stanley
----------------------------------------

A building contractor was being paid by the week. One day he approached the
owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two
hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars,
and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it
gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

------------------------------------------------------


'Have a seat, Mr. Jones,' the psychiatrist said. 'Tell me what I can  do for
you.'
'People are crazy, doctor! I must say that I'm despairing with humanity!'
'Oh my,' the psychiatrist replied. 'What is it in particular that makes you feel
this way?'
'People say I'm mad. That's what's so despairing. They say I'm crazy. I tell
them I'm not, but they don't listen. It's horrible and awful when I know I'm
right!'
'I think I will need to hear the whole story, Mr. Jones,' the psychiatrist said.
'From the beginning, doctor? Alright. Well. In the beginning I created Heaven
and the Earth, and the Earth was void...'

------------------------------------------------------

'Sorry, sir - can you spare a few cents for a cup of coffee?'
'Sorry, no. But don't worry about me, my friend. I'll manage.'

------------------------------------------------------


There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their
ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be
perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right
through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true and the church
started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new
assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought  out the
new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount
needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said."At his funeral, you must say my brother
was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.
"He was an evil man," he said."He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,  "But compared 
to his brother, he was a saint...."

------------------------------------------------------

'Men!' said the captain. 'Before we go aboard the 'Dove', you must realize that
this ship is the pride of the fleet. I am proud and honored to have received
command of it. You must know that this is not my ship - it is not the officers'
ship - it belongs to all of us!'
'Cool,' said one of the sailors. 'Let's sell it.'

------------------------------------------------------

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match
with the sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

------------------------------------------------------

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to
himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief
standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of
the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100
natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay
..... NOW you're screwed."

------------------------------------------------------

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for
all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're
going to find a lawyer?"

------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

------------------------------------------------------

Here's another couple of jokes sent in by a couple of members. We're still
looking at increasing the size of OnlyHumor, so if you think someone will
enjoy receiving this jokes in their mailbox, just ask them to join
(http://www.egroups.com/group/onlyhumor) Also, feel free to share these
jokes with your friends and colleagues.

-----------------------------------------------------
Number 1 - Catholic Boys!
-----------------------------------------------------
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.  The first Catholic woman tells her
friends "My son is a priest.  When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace'."

This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three
women give her this subtle "Well...?"

And she said "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard bodied stripper. When he
walks into a room,people say, "Oh, my God...."

-----------------------------------------------------
Number 2 - Chinese proverbs
-----------------------------------------------------
Finally, a selection of the works of Confucius, if you know more of his
proverbs, send them in.
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/humor/confucius.asp

Enjoy,

Ugh!!

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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A city-dweller, recently relocated to a rural area by his company was
surveying his new surroundings.  As he walked along a graveled lane he
couldn't help but notice a pig on  a nearby farmhouse porch.  Stretched out
on a chaise lounge as big as you please, it was making itself right at home.
As he stopped to take it in, he noticed that the pig had one leg missing,
replaced by a tiny wooden one.

"Don't stare at my pig that way... you'll make him self-conscious!" yelled
an angry farmer from the window.

"I'm sorry but I'm from the city and I don't see many pigs and I have to say
that I've never seen a pig with a wooden leg before," explained the visitor.

"That's a real special pig we got there... saved my life." The farmer
continued, "Why last season I was plowin' out in the back forty, when my
tractor turned over on me and pinned me underneath.  That pig sensed trouble
and broke out of its pen.  It come a runnin' across the way and come right
up and started a 'snoutin' all around me 'till he could pull me out by my
collar... Yep, that's a real special pig.  We just kinda let him have the
run of the place since then."

"Good thing too," he went on. "Just last month, that pig smelled smoke in
the middle of the night and a started tappin' on our bedroom door...woke us
up and saved the whole family this time! That pig is somethin' else."

"I can understand that," said the city slicker.  "But  that doesn't explain
why he has a wooden leg..."

"Well, if you had a pig that special, you wouldn't want to eat 'em all at
one time either!"

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Here's another couple of jokes .. enjoy:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A Cry for Help: Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor/showimage.asp?image=HelpMe.jpg&desc=Marria
ge%20isn't%20a%20word,%20it's%20a%20sentence

or if that doesn't work
Go to http://www.cutajar.net/owen/Humor and click on Help Me under Gender
Jokes.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A blonde got a job with the Public Works Department. She was to paint lines
down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on
probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per
day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right
away.  The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found the blonde
had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!!

"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only
accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the
average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I
need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The
first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only
did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's
keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away
from the bucket."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Get paid to surf the Web!! - Check out my cheque
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/money.asp
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Owen Cutajar -
    Personal Mail : owen@...
                  : ugh@...
        Work Mail : OwenC@...
        Web Space : http://www.cutajar.net
          ICQ UIN : 18393917
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Here's the first joke on the list. Once the list hits 50 people we'll go
into full production :) So, if you know anyone who might be interested, go
ahead and ask them to join the list.

Regards

Owen
--------------------------------------------------------------

An old woman went into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem.

"I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless,
and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've
farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription Mrs. Barker", the doctor said. "Take
these pills three times a day for seven days and come back
and see me in a week."

Next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's
office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the
problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, they're still
soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have
to say for yourself?!"

"Calm down Mrs. Barker", said the doctor soothingly. "Now
that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Get paid to surf the Web!! - Check out my cheque
http://www.cutajar.net/owen/money.asp
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Owen Cutajar -
    Personal Mail : owen@...
                  : ugh@...
        Work Mail : OwenC@...
        Web Space : http://www.cutajar.net
          ICQ UIN : 18393917
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Welcome to Only Humor.

This is a more structured thing than my BCC list, allowing people to
add and remove themselves from the lsit with ease. This coupled with
a bunch of other features, should make the list much more friendly to
use.

Look out for our new website coming up in the next few weeks.

Regards

Owen