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#906 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Wed Feb 28, 2007 7:37 am
Subject: Humor for 28th February 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi everyone,

Apologies for missing the mailshot over the last couple of days. I'm currently travelling and it's not always easy getting an Internet connection. But today I have, so here's some fun coming your way:

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

'An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.''

'See, I have a problem with that passion business,' responded one jury candidate. 'During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.'

She wasn't selected for the jury.
Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, 'Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life.'

'What happened?' asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans, 'My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!'

'You think you had a bad week?' responds Birnbaum. 'My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!'

'How can you say that your week was worse than mine?' asks Goldstein. 'It was identical!'

'You shmuck!' replies Birnbaum. 'I manufacture menswear...'

Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#905 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Fri Feb 23, 2007 7:25 am
Subject: Humor for 23rd February 		owencutajar2000
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Hi everyone,

Here's some more jokes for today:


A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, 'We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.'

Her husband replied 'Well, lots of dogs can do that.'

The wife responded, 'But we've never subscribed to any papers!'

Did you know ...

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear & smell better.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

That San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air,the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2nd, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

'I am.' is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term 'the whole 9 yards' came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got 'The whole 9 yards.'

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the 'General Purpose' vehicle, G.P.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.

The nursery rhyme 'Ring Around the Rosey' is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ('Ring around the rosey'), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ('a pocket full of posies'). Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ('ashes, ashes, we all fall down').

Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#904 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Wed Feb 21, 2007 8:22 am
Subject: Humor for 21st Feb 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

Hope you're looking forward to some jokes. If you want more, check out our new blog: http://www.thejokeshop.org

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, 'I don't think that is going to help.'

'Sure it will,' he said. 'It's the only way I can see the numbers...'
LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.

Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#903 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:53 am
Subject: Humor for 19th February 		owencutajar2000
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Hey everyone,

Here's some jokes to start the week with. We're busy at the moment with the new Joke Shop blog. If you want to read more jokes and product reviews pop down to http://www.thejokeshop.org

Feel free to leave any comments. Now .. on to the jokes!


In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and 'active low' signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried 'Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!' And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the 'new and improved' wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said 'Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply.' And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since. and it hasn't worked right since. and it hasn't worked right since. and it hasn't....


A Post Office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly handwritten envelope, addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings - $100 have been stolen. She will be cold and hungry this Easter without divine intervention.

He shares the letter with his fellow postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $96. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it:

'Dear God, Thank you for the $100 for Easter, which would have been so bleak otherwise.

P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office.'


Enjoy

Owen
--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#902 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Thu Feb 15, 2007 7:59 am
Subject: Humor for 15th Feb 		owencutajar2000
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Hey everyone,

Sorry for the temporary outage in jokes. I've been away from home and my Internet Access hasn't been what I'm used to. But here we go, here's some more jokes to make you smile .. I'll also be posting some of them onto my personal blog now and again: http://www.cutajar.net/owen


If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. 'What are those knives doing in your car?' asked the officer. 'I juggle them in my act.' 'Oh yeah?' says the cop. 'Let's see you do it.' So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, 'Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!'


Enjoy

Owen
--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#901 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Fri Feb 9, 2007 8:17 am
Subject: Humor for 9th February 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

Here;'s some jokes for today


Firstly, women require time and money.

Women = Time x Money

As is well known, time is money

Time = Money

Therefore

Women = Money x Money = Money 2

And because money is the root of all evil

Money = root(Evil)

Therefore

Women = ( root(Evil) ) 2

ie.

Women = Evil


During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day, the radar was in operation to train the reservists. A report came from the radar room to the bridge, 'Target bearing 230 degrees, believe it to be a log.'

Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young officer of the deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses. Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately reported log, he barked, 'Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last reported target, there are two sea gulls on that log which you failed to report!'

There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the Chief Radarman was heard, 'Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction to make, sir. There ARE two sea gulls on that log - one male, the other female!'



Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#900 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Tue Feb 6, 2007 7:26 am
Subject: Humor for 6th Feb 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi everyone,

Here's some jokes for today (I just love the first one). The second's a bit outdated now, but still funny ..





Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

'Hallo! Mr. Hussein,' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!'

'Well, Paddy,' Saddam replied, 'this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?'

'At this moment in time,' said Paddy after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!'

Saddam sighed. 'I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorrah!' said Paddy, 'I'll have to ring you back!'

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. 'Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be, Paddy?' Saddam asked.

'Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm.'

Once more Saddam sighed. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke.'

'Really?' said Paddy 'I'll have to ring you back!'

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. 'Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Saddam. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' said Paddy 'We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners.'



Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#899 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Mon Feb 5, 2007 8:35 am
Subject: Humor for 5th February 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

Hope you're refreshed after the weekend and ready for some more joke!


At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. 'Isn't it true,' he bellowed, 'that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?'

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

'Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?' the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, 'Sir, please answer the question.'

'Oh,' the startled witness said, 'I thought he was talking to you.'


Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#898 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Fri Feb 2, 2007 8:24 am
Subject: Humor for 2nd January 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi everyone,

Here's some more jokes for you


A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.

A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him 'How are you feeling?'

The man replies 'Not BAAAAD!'


Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#897 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Thu Feb 1, 2007 7:26 am
Subject: Humor for 1st February 		owencutajar2000
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Hi everyone

Welcome to the shorted month of the year. Let's hope it's a funny one.

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman, who was hard of hearing, decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.

He said, 'I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle.'

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, 'The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel.

Regards

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#896 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Wed Jan 31, 2007 8:12 am
Subject: Humor for 31st January 		owencutajar2000
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Hi everyone

And that's the end of January. Amazing how fast this year is going huh ?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery!'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is what doctors do called 'practice'?

Why is it rain drops, but snow falls?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked ' Is my time up? ' God said, ' No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ' I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?
(SCROLL DOWN....)



















God replied, ' I didn't recognize you! '

Regards

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#895 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Tue Jan 30, 2007 9:22 am
Subject: Humor for 30th January 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

How's everyone today? Hope you're looking forward to some jokes!

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

'So,' he said, 'I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.'

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. 'You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.'

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

..'Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.'
A young man was strolling down a street in South London.

As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting 'Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen' over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't.

Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye.

As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, 'Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen...'


Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#894 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Mon Jan 29, 2007 7:22 am
Subject: Humor for 29th January 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hey everyone,

Hope you're ready for a new week of jokes:


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colours - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. The young man said to him, 'What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?'

The old man replied, 'Got drunk once and screwed a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.'


Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.


Reply from dad...

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad


Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#893 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Thu Jan 25, 2007 8:25 am
Subject: Humor for 25th January 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

Here's some jokes for today! Hope you're having a good one

Signs you're on a bad financial show

Scrolling stock ticker at the bottom of the screen is handwritten in crayon.

Host urges viewers to invest in his daughter’s Girl Scout cookies.

Coverage of the opening bell is a prerecorded honk of a car horn and a tourist photo of the Liberty Bell.

Experts keep advising you to invest in canned goods, bottled water, and shotgun shells.

Lunchtime guest CEO admits that he isn't really a CEO -- though he did play one on a canceled UPN sitcom.

Theme song is “Money” from Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon.”

Every time Yahoo! is mentioned, the anchor says, 'Seriously -- that's not the name of a real company, is it?'

Experts advise you check out the Produce section of the stock market.

Hosts constantly complain about how there's 'too much math.”
Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian asks for Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.

The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply 'STRAWBERRIES?' 'Yes, Strawberries.' 'But they are out of season!' 'I'll wait...'

Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#892 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Wed Jan 24, 2007 9:11 am
Subject: Humor for 24th January 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

Have you seen the new look on my blog? If not, check out: http://www.u-g-h.com. Let me know what you think!

Here's some jokes for today:


If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


Two parrots sat on a perch, one turns to the other and asks, 'Can you smell fish?'


Enjoy

Owen

--
EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#891 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Tue Jan 23, 2007 8:22 am
Subject: Humor for 23rd January 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

It's snowing here in the UK, but nothing in the Isle of Man yet .. wonder if we'll get some this year. In the meantime, here's some jokes

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: 'Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!'
With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into 'special prosecutors.'

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Enjoy

Owen

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#890 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:47 am
Subject: Humor for 22nd January 		owencutajar2000
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Hey all,

Back home in the Isle of Man, so this week should be more regular than last. Enjoy today's jokes

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

'You foul-mouthed swine,' retorted the lady idignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.'
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become one of the world's great writers.

When asked to define 'great' he said, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Enjoy

Owen

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#889 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Wed Jan 17, 2007 10:16 am
Subject: Humor for 17th January 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hey everyone,

Sorry for the slight delay today, I'm actually on holiday in Malta for my son Arthur's birthday (he's 1 tomorrow), but have managed to get myself an Internet connection so I can still sent the mailshot out! Don't you just love technology! So, here's some jokes for today!


Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again.'

Lester asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'

Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Betty Sue WITH me.'


A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a excellent week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop:

'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'


Enjoy

Owen

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#888 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Mon Jan 15, 2007 9:15 am
Subject: Humor for 15th January 		owencutajar2000
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Hope you're ready for some jokes this morning:

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles.'
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles.'
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles.'
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor said, 'Where?'
He said, 'Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?'
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, 'That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.'

Morris hung his head and whispered,' To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.'

Enjoy!

Owen

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#887 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Fri Jan 12, 2007 9:21 am
Subject: Humor for 12th Jan 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi Everyone,

You might have noticed the blast-from-the-past email that made it out to the mailing list yesterday yesterday. It was actually from 2002 and had been stuck in the system for the last 5 years. I wonder if Yahoo is doing a clean-up of their mail systems. I'm experimenting with adding funny pictures to the mail, let me know if you like the idea. Anyway, it's great to see how far we've come from there! Thanks for all your kind comments, and if you have any more suggestions, don't hesitate to mail them in!

I'm currently toying with the idea of putting together a blog with some content from the mailing list, as well as online games, TV and film reviews and all things fun. You can see how it's shaping up at: A Bit of This and A Bit of That. Let me know what you think!

On to the jokes

Well, Bill,' said God, 'I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.'

Bill replied, 'Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?'

God said, 'You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?'

'Sure' said Bill, 'Let's go!'

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

'This is great!' said Bill. 'If this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven.'

God replied, 'Let's go. And so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Bill Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. 'God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell.'

'As you desire,' said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. 'How ya doin', Bill?' asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, 'This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?'

'Oh THAT!' said God. 'That was the Screen saver.'

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

'My darling Susan,' he whispered.

'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Don't talk.'

He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you.'

'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'

'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.'

'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'

Regards

Owen

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#886 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Thu Jan 11, 2007 9:19 am
Subject: Humor for 11th January 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

Here's some more jokes for today!


A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks 'I can outrun this guy,' so he floors it and the race is on.

The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures 'what the heck,' and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says 'listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.'

The man thought for a moment and said...'Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!


Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It's $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like?


Enjoy

Owen

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#885 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Tue Jan 9, 2007 8:21 am
Subject: Humor for 9th January 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hi everyone,

Hope you're looking forward to some jokes:


An American salesman in Japan happens to have a meeting with a Japanese executive to discuss the deal of his life. Millions of dollars are at stake and the American hits it off with the Japanese executive. At the end of the day long meeting the Japanese executive invites the American to play golf with him the next day at which time they will close the deal.

The American knows a little Japanese and says domo 'arigato' (thank you) and 'sayonara' (goodbye) and returns to his hotel. He is so excited he can't get to sleep. It is a tremendous honor to be asked to play golf with this gentleman. He decides to reward himself and he goes to a local geisha house. He gets a girl, goes back to one of the rooms and they start having sex. He's all excited and he really starts getting into it. All of a sudden the woman starts screaming, 'Tatagoochie! Tatagoochie!' He figures, he must be doing real well, she must be loving this, so he continues, more vigorously. She continues to yell 'Tatagoochie! Tatagoochie!'. Wow, he thinks, I must be
doing real well.

He eventually finishes, leaving her in a heap on the floor mumbling 'Tatagoochie! Tatagoochie!'. He dresses, and leaves marveling at his great day impressed that she liked him so much.

The next day, he goes out to the golf club. He and the Japanese executive play. Things are going very well as they approach the third hole, par 3, 185 yards. The Japanese executive has honors, steps up, hits a beautiful 7 wood which bounces in front of the green, onto the green and right into the cup. . . a hole in one!

The American decides to impress the Japanese executive with his Japanese, applauds and says 'Tatagoochie!, Tatagoochie!'

The Japanese executive looks at him and says, 'What you mean, wrong hole?'


A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, 'Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!'


Enjoy

Owen
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#884 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Mon Jan 8, 2007 11:25 am
Subject: Humor for 8th January 2007 		owencutajar2000
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Hey everyone,

My PC is back at last, so it's time to get back to the jokes. Just wanted to apologise for some spam that managed to get through Yahoo Groups last week. It's worth pointing out that the mailing list receives some 30-40 spam messages a week, and Yahoo Groups has been quite good so far in protecting the mailing list from it. Hopefully it won't happen again !!

So, without any further ado .. here's some jokes for you:


In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

'Congratulations,' the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. 'You did superbly under cross-examination.'

'Thanks,' he said, 'but he sure had me worried.'

'How's that?' the lawyer asked.

'I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!'


A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their ailments.

"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour my coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."



Have a good day

Owen

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#857 From: "Owen Cutajar" <owen@...>
Date: Tue Dec 26, 2006 10:15 am
Subject: Humor for 26th December 		owencutajar2000
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Hey everyone,

Just wanted to take the opportunity to wish you all Happy Holidays. Check
out the attached image for a laugh (still without my laptop so can't send
out a decent mailshot :()

Anyway, while we're here .. here's some jokes for you ;)

-----

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, 'And
what would you like for Christmas?'

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then
gasped: 'Didn't you get my E-mail?'

-----

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me... A batch of my
special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet
sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table,
poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly
off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four
cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been
cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just
rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me... On a trip to
the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste
appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so
the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any
other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the
vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging
at it with a pair of tweezers.

On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me... 13 ornaments on
my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to
the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom
while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know the was
actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50
plus tax.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me... A statue in my
Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity
figurines: $55.99

On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me... The kid
across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely
wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a
unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket
to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity
of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the
Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me... The presents
beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early
shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's
stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its
potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another
roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for
the kind of bows Sara can't unravel.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me... The earrings I
bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary
doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does
make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me... Replace my E and G
guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty
hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought
so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way.
Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way I came in.
After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have
been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday
season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at
the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel
guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me... My Christmas
card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call
to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what
happened to the listings of B through H.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me..... The remote
control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't
previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas
specials, including my all-time favorite, 'It's a Wonderful Life.' Rental
of 'It's a Wonderful Life': $2; purchase of book, 'Good owners, great
cats': $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile
of kittens with kleptomania.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me..... The drumsticks
off my 19-pound turkey. OK, OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I
never should have uttered those now infamous words: 'Your first turkey,
Sara. Want to try just a little piece?' Cost: Christmas Dinner.

On the 12th day of Christmas........ Sara rested. And so, thank goodness,
did my VISA card.

-----

Have a good one !!

Owen

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#856 From: "Owen Cutajar" <owen@...>
Date: Sun Dec 17, 2006 11:24 pm
Subject: Joke post for December 		owencutajar2000
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Hey everyone,

I'm still running without my laptop, but I've managed to borrow a PC so
I'm sending out a bunch of jokes to keep you going through Xmas. I'll
resume jokes once the laptop is back; but if it won't happen before
Christmas Day, I hope you all have a great Xmas !!!

-------

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland
called 'Holes?'

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could
it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that there is wet
paint on a wall, you will have to touch it to be sure?

-----

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry!' she said. 'Stand in the corner.'

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you to,' she whispered. 'Just pretend you're a
statue.'

'What's this honey?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh, it's just a statue,' she replied nonchalantly. 'The Martins bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.'

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they
went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went
to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk.

'Here,' he said to the 'statue'. 'Eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of
water.'

-----

This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a
huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through.

He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in
a their ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the
Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by
and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.

So, the man says to himself, “I know why he stopped at him, he's
homeless!” So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes
and he goes back the next day.

Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, 'I
thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!

-----

The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc
examined him and backed away, saying, 'I'm sorry to tell you this, but you
have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it
for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal.'

'Could you give me a pen and paper?' said the businessman.

'Do you want to write your will?'

'No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite.'

-----

That's all for now. Have a good one !!

Owen

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#855 From: "Owen Cutajar" <owen@...>
Date: Fri Dec 8, 2006 7:52 am
Subject: Humor for 8th December 2006 		owencutajar2000
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Hi everyone,

Yes, there's been a short interruption in the flow of jokes as my laptop's
Power Supply blew up. I'm on a borrowed iBook at the moment, and still
trying to find my way around, but in the meantime, I thought' I'd send a
couple of computer related jokes, just so you know I'm still around.

---

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him
to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court.
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of
Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into
a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got
here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking
a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and
three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the
Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find
St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How
could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a
mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the
Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed
once."

---

Dear Dr. RAM

I have a computer with a Pentium 133 CPU. I want to increase the speed,
but I have no money to spend on an upgrade. What do you advise?

Speed Fiend


Dear Speed,

Ask you doctor to prescribe you something to slow down your metabolism.
Take the medicine and wait for a couple of hours. Then switch your
computer on and you will notice a dramatic increase in speed and overall
performances.

Dr. RAM

---

More next week

Owen

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#854 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Fri Dec 1, 2006 7:48 am
Subject: Humor for 1st December 		owencutajar2000
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Hey all,

Woohoo, December is here .. and it's soon Christmas .. while you're waiting for it, here's some jokes ...

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again.'

Lester asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'

Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Betty Sue WITH me.'

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A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold.

Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

He said, 'I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S'!'

Enjoy

Owen  :-)



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EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#853 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Wed Nov 29, 2006 7:30 am
Subject: Humor for 29th November 2006 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

Here's some more jokes for you:

Yesterday I was on the Underground travelling on the Central Line. A man of Arabic-appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful to me and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of banknotes. He offered me a reward, but I refused. So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: 'I can never repay your kindness, sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you. Stay away from Aberdeen Steak Houses.'

I was terrified. 'Is there going to be an attack?' I whispered.

'No, sir' he whispered back 'I went there yesterday evening - the food was sh*t and the dessert selection extremely limited.'

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's art work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

Enjoy

Owen

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EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#852 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Tue Nov 28, 2006 7:50 am
Subject: Humor for 28th November 2006 		owencutajar2000
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Hi there,

Hope you're looking forward to some jokes:

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'

'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

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A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each childern in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader
It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box

And the favorite...
Better late than..........................pregnant

Enjoy

Owen 8-)
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EMail: owen@...
Website: http://www.cutajar.net/owen
Blog: http://www.u-g-h.com

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#851 From: Owen Cutajar <owen@...>
Date: Mon Nov 27, 2006 9:12 am
Subject: Humor for 27th November 2006 		owencutajar2000
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Hey everyone,

Sorry for the interruption, but I was just rebuilding my PC on Vista and the only thing I couldn't get working was my email package. Got a reply from tech support today and it turns out they're waiting for Vista to be released before they fix the problem. In the meantime, I've switched to Thunderbird .. but that's really not a funny story .. so .. on to the jokes ... :-)

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the woman was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. 'What happened?' the Instructor asked. 'All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?'

'Well,' began the blonde, 'I got cold. So I turned off the big fan.'
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A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

Trucker: Yeah, thats right. All lead.

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.


Enjoy

Owen

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