Thanks Donna, and I appreciate your comments. I think I'll sit with this
for a while. "Dancing" admittedly is poetic, but I honestly can't think of a

better word to express the lovely shimmering, plus "dancing" goes with

the flight of the cardinal, in a sense. I don't see a problem with lines

three and four.




Rick


-----Original Message-----
From: donna ferrell <dfer268@...>
To: Mountain-Home@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Mon, Jul 13, 2009 8:04 pm
Subject: RE: [Mountain-Home] Summer scene


































Rick,

 

Glad to see someone posting.

 

I think line 3 and 4 do not go well together. What would you think about
reversing lines 4 and 5. "Dancing" is rather poetic; perhaps you can come up
with a different action in line 3 that would work as the pivot?

 

I'm not saying that line 3 "has" to be the pivot although I think it works well
there.

 

Donna



Mountain-Home Workshop Pages

http://modwaka0.tripod.com

Modern Waka's 100 verse sequence page

http://modwaka.tripod.com

Hokku-Inn's pages

http://hokku0.tripod.com



--- On Mon, 7/13/09, Sunny Larson <sunny.larson@...> wrote:



From: Sunny Larson <sunny.larson@...>

Subject: RE: [Mountain-Home] Summer scene

To: "'Mountain-Home@yahoogroups.com'" <Mountain-Home@yahoogroups.com>

Date: Monday, July 13, 2009, 11:29 AM



It seems to me that the 3rd line can
still be the pivot. ??



Very nice!



____________ _________ _________ __

From: Mountain-Home@ yahoogroups. com [mailto:Mountain-Home@ yahoogroups. com]
On Behalf Of Shin02143@aol. com

Sent: Monday, July 13, 2009 8:28 AM

To: Mountain-Home@ yahoogroups. com

Subject: [Mountain-Home] Summer scene



The complex patterns

of leaves on the linden tree

dancing in the sunlight

as the gentle wind rises:

a cardinal taking flight.



Rick



(Pivot in line 4?)



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