PUNS OF THE DAY 04-17-08

			 PUNS

My laptop was driving me crazy. "The A, E, and I keys always stick," I
complained to a friend. She quickly diagnosed the problem. "Your
computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome."  (Angie Bulakites)

Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their
vocal cords. They can't croak.

When ever I place an order on-line I always specify shipment should be
made via UPS. There always seems to be something missing when
shipments are sent via partial post. (Gary Hallock)

My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive. I have mixed feelings about
that.

Reincarnation is like getting cancelled but going into syndication
right away. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

			 GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

The harbor master was quite distressed when all his tugboats broke
down at the same time. Luckily there were several powerful robotic
research submersibles available that proved to be perfect for
shuttling the freighters into their berths at the pier. These
replacement craft worked very well in place of the tug boats but
because they operated only underwater he couldn't get the subs t'
toot. (Gary Hallock)

What's one typo While on the staff of the Syracuse University
newspaper, I learned it meant a lot. I had to write a headline for an
article that invited students to meet with the deans from the various
schools. My contribution to the important day appeared in bold type
above the stern, scholarly portraits of the academics: "Deans' Day:
Meat Heads of Departments." (Thomas J. Arnold)

There was a fire one night at a convent and several retired nuns who
lived on the fourth floor were trapped by the fire. They were praying
for the Lord to show them a way out of the fire when one of the
sisters screamed, "We need to take off our robes, tie them together
and climb down to safety." Later as they were recounting the event to
reporters, they were asked if they were afraid of the crude rope
breaking. "Oh, no," they said. "You see, old habits are hard to break."

			 OTHER HUMOR

	 "I laid down my glasses," said he,
	 "And now don't know where they could be.
		 I'm near-sighted, you see,
		 And I think you'll agree
	 'Twas really short-sighted of me."
		 (Kirk Miller)

	 I borrowed some glasses before
	 From some guy, just whom, I ain't shore
		 When they weren't returned
		 I'll bet he felt burned
	 He never lens me stuff no more
		 (Gary Hallock)

Crocus: What a frog emits. (Bob Dvorak)

Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks.

OLD CHEESE MAKERS never die, they just lose their whey

JEST FOR KIDS 04-17-08
		 Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

			 RIDDLES

What does a porcupine like to do when playing volleyball?
	 Spike.

Why were the giant's fingers only eleven inches long
	 Because if they were twelve inches long, they'd be a foot!

How can you get into a locked house with all the windows tightly
barred without a key
	 Keep running around the house until you're all in. (Bennett Cerf)

What do sea monsters eat for lunch
	 Potato ships

Why do dragons sleep all day
	 So they can fight knights!

What do you call a hippie's wife
	 Mississippi.

			 PUNS

In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his
coat and pants.

Peacocks are meticulous because they show attention to de tail.

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating
habits: "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What
will happen to her" "Eventually" said the doctor, "she will rise and
shine!"

When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.

It was raining cats and dogs. There were poodles all over the road.

			 GROANERS

Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help
line. The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English
very well. So I tried to explain it as simply as possible: "I can't
get the computer to work." "Ah, I see," he responded. "You are unable
to transport your computer to your place of employment." (Marianne
Thompson)

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a
community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge
between my younger and older students. My observations were confirmed
the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the
encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. "What are all these
books" he asked. Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were
encyclopedias. "Really" he said. Someone printed out the whole CD-ROM"

The woman ahead of me in line at the library wanted her own card but
was told she needed to bring identification showing her address. After
some back and forth, the woman gave up, muttering as she left, "Well,
I guess librarians have to go by the book."  (Erin Carver)

			  OTHER HUMOR

Accord: A combination of three musical tones.

"A Fish Story" by Czar Dean

"Don't add too much water," said Tom with great concentration

OLD CLOCK MAKERS never die, they just get run down

Picture a nerdy looking man named Herbert sitting at the Passover
seder table.

He speaks: "Why do I hafta sit at the kids' table This stinks!! This
really stinks!!"

Moral: . . . No seder would be complete without the bitter Herb. (By
Harry Reeder)

= = = = =

Irving Berlin wrote songs for the two great Christian Holidays: "White
Christmas" and "Easter Parade."

Very few folks, however, know about the nice Italian boy from near
Pittsburgh, PA who wrote a great song for Passover.  The lad was Henry
Mancini, known for such tunes as "Moon River," "Mr. Lucky," and all
that Pink Panther stuff.

So what did he write for Passover?  He wrote "Days of Wine and
Charoses" of course!

I'll leave it to some more dedicated researcher to uncover why Henry
wrote about the fruit and nut blend used in the Seder celebration --
also known as Haroset-- to symbolize the mortar used to build the
pyramids in Egypt. (By Jim Mica)

= = = = =

A group of leading medical researchers has published data indicating
that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and
charoses. It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the
Liver.

= = = = =

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with
Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is..."Let My People Go."

= = = = =

After eight days of eating MATXOTH for Passover, it feels more like
UNLEAVENED or twelve days. I stopped a fellow on the street and asked
him, "SEDER, do you know the meaning of this holiday" He said he did,
MAWROR less: "Isn't that the spring holiday that celebrates how
CHAROSETH three days after dying" "Wrong religion!" I retorted. "You
don't have to CHALLAH!" he complained. "Challah isn't PESADICH," I
laughed. "Or KOSHER right," he acknowledged. Then he apologized for
cutting me short but said his cousin Effie was on her way to his house
and he didn't want to miss her. "Of course--you have to leave with
EFFIE COMIN' over." "Sorry but HAGGADAH go," he repeated, and left.
(By Cynthia MacGregor)

Matzoth or matzo: Unleavened Bread
Sedar: Passover dinner and service in home. Usually the first two nights
Marror: Bitter herb served at a sedar.
Charoseth or charoses: A mixture of apples, nuts, cinnamin & wine
served at a sedar
Challah: Egg bread. Forbidden during Passover.
Pesadich: Allowed during Passover
Alfacomen: A matzo hidden during the sedar after which all children
search for it, the winner getting a gift.
Haggadah: The story of Passover read aloud at every sedar.

= = = = =

As Moses was leading the children of Israel through thru parted walls
of the Red Sea, some of the children complained of thirst after
walking so far. Unfortunately, they weren't able to drink from the
walls of salt water on each side of them.

Then a fish from the wall of water stuck his head out and spoke to
Moses. He told him his family had heard the children's complaint, and
that they could, thru their own gills, remove the salt from their
water, and then force it out of their mouths like a fresh water
fountain for the Israelites to drink from!

But, said the fish, before his family began to help, they had one
demand. They wanted to be a part of history, and wanted to always be a
part of the Seder meal to commemorate the Exodus.

Moses readily agreed to this, and gave them their name which remains
to this very day. He said to them, . . . "Go, Filter Fish."

= = = = =

Before there was a ban on school prayer, we were taught the histories
of different religions to increase our knowledge of other cultures. It
was nice that so many of the cultures taught at the school were also
represented by fellow classmates.

During the winter time, Gentiles and Jews alike were taught of the
miracle of the oil and the celebration of Chanukah, and the "Dreidle
Song." On the flip side, Jews and Gentiles were taught of the miracle
of the virgin birth and "Away In A Manger."

During the spring, we learned about Easter and Passover. The teaching
was geared more towards cultural enlightenment rather than religious
conversions.

One day, during a Passover lesson, we discussed some of the
traditional foods of the holiday. Of course, matzohs were discussed.
The teacher asked us to use the word "matzoh" in a sentence.

One student replied, "Matzohs are eaten at the Seder."

Another supplied that, "Matzohs are made without salt."

No, it wasn't I, but someone else who never quite got all the lessons,
thought long and hard before replying, "Time Matzohs on!" (By John N.
Swegan)

 

Thanks!!!

Give this heart to everyone you don't want to lose in '08 including me if you care.   Try to collect 12, it's not easy!

 1.   A sharp tongue can cut my own throat.   

 2. If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.


 3. Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.


 4.  The best vitamin for making friends.... B1.


 5.  The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.


 6.  The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.


 8.  One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.


 9. I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.


 10.  Ideas won't work unless ' I ' do.

 11. My mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.


 12.  The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.


13. The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I might have been.


Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not  

Get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and

Problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.

Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong

That we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't

Realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want

To let that happen so I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose

You. Send this to all your friends including me and see how many

You get back. Even send it to your balloons that you think have flown

Away forever. You may be surprised to see it return. Send this heart

To everybody you like. You may also return it to me.

THANKS TO DONNA FROM ME TO YOU!!       Subject: Give you my heart   GOOD MORNING     Give this heart to everyone you don't want to lose in '08 including me if you care.   Try to collect 12, it's not easy!    1.   A sharp tongue can cut my own throat.     2. If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.  3. Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important.  4.  The best vitamin for making friends.... B1.  5.  The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts.  6.  The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.  8.  One thing I can give and still keep...is my word.  9. I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.  10.  Ideas won't work unless ' I ' do.  11. My mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.  12.  The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice. 13. The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I might have been. Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not   Get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and Problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away. Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong That we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't Realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want To let that happen so I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose You. Send this to all your friends including me and see how many You get back. Even send it to your balloons that you think have flown Away forever. You may be surprised to see it return. Send this heart To everybody you like. You may also return it to me.

---

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PUNS OF THE DAY 04-16-08

			 PUNS

Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.

Did you hear about the time that Sherlock Holmes was audited? While
examining Sherlock's tax return, the IRS agent commented: "I say,
Holmes, these are amazing deductions." (James Ertner)

"I should have been a bone doctor. They said I had the head for it.
(Leopold Fechtner)

A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady
answered. "What party does your husband belong to?" he asked. The lady
responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."

Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with my
girlfriend's view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and
as our waitress walked away, she slipped in a wet spot on the floor.
"How about that?" Amy observed dryly. "Our server is down." (Joseph
Lassegard)

			 GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker
Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana,
Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay
kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs
official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really,"
Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had
purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a
little pot."  (Russ Tompkins)

A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a
tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and
spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and
she replies, "I am hanging myself." "You are supposed to put the noose
around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that,"
replied the blonde, "but I could not breathe."

I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients
are from many different countries and cultures. One day while waiting
for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the
chart and assumed that, because of her last name, she was of European
descent. So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see
that she was Asian. As I was performing the exam, we chatted and she
told me she was Chinese and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech.
After a short pause she quipped, "I guess that makes my children
Chinese Czechers!" (Lisa M. Edgehouse)

			 OTHER HUMOR

Bailiff:  Expensive, dried up leaf, used in cooking.

OLD CURSERS never die, they just get discussed.

Confucius Says... He who stick head in oven get baked bean."

Sign in a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes
Professional Ass."

An idle mind is ... The best way to relax.

JEST FOR KIDS 04-16-08
		 Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

			 RIDDLES

What did the clock say to the watch?
	 Tock to you later

Why is it bad to play basketball with a pig?
	 Because it will always hog the ball!

How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide?
	 There is no dirt in a hole.

What is the penalty for breaking the law of gravity.
	 A suspended sentence

Of all the workers employed in building a house, which is the most
likely to have a criminal record?
   	 The counter fitters

What kind of waiter never accepts tips?
	 A dumbwaiter

Why are the wicked witch twins so confusing?
    It's hard to tell which witch is which!

			 PUNS

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft gets A flat miner.

I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large dog on a leash.
When he asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building, a
bank official answered, "Yes, provided he doesn't make a
deposit." (John Reed)

A girl can be poor on history but great on dates.

When he led the race, the sulky driver wanted to harness victory.

			 GROANERS

"How's it going?" I asked a regular customer as he stepped into my
coffee shop. "Not great," he answered. "I'm looking for a new job."
"What happened to the one at the spice factory?" "Oh, that," he said.
"It was just seasonal." (Amber Constant)

Some New Yorkers were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored
faraway country when they were captured by cannibals. "Oh, yes!" the
chief of the tribe exclaimed. "We're going to put you all into big
pots of water, cook you and eat you." "You can't do that to me," the
tour leader said. "I'm the editor of 'The New Yorker!'" "Well," he
responded, "tonight you will be editor-in-chief!" (Herm London)

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both
deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started
signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't
understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures. Finally,
looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The
he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not
blind."

			  OTHER HUMOR

Information: How the soldiers marched (Cynthia MacGregor)

Pasture: I think you PASTURE destination 3 off ramps ago

"Cuddly Toys" by Ted E. Behr

"I'll use my stopwatch to see how fast it moves," said Tom, seconding
the motion. (Stan Kegel)

OLD CRAPSHOOTERS never die, they just fade away.

No news is ... Impossible

Headline: Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

An Engineer's Guide to Cats

PUNS OF THE DAY 04-15-08

			 PUNS

What was the convenience store clerk's reaction when Satan came in and
asked for a lemon lime soda?
	 He gave the Devil his Dew.

Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license
filling out the forms, when she came to the line: "Color of Hair," she
put..."L'oreal Preference 8 1/2B."

One young lady told a friend, 'Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy
myself a dress.' The other one said, 'I've always wondered where you
got them.

You can encapsulate a marriage in four words. If a fellow gets
married, but finds a temptation elsewhere, hears about it from his
wife when she finds out, and finds himself served with papers, you can
sum up the experience as: HITCHED, ITCHED, BITCHED, DITCHED. (Cynthia
MacGregor)

When the Post Office delivers only some of your packages, the service
they have just provided is "Partial Post" (Cynthia MacGregor)

Years ago, when I was in 6th grade, we were studying financial terms.
The teacher asked the class, "What is the difference between
liabilities and assets?". A voice from the back of the room replied,
"If you have too many liabilities, your assets in jail!"

			 GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

Jimmy was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He
went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner
that said "N I L" White-robed people were kneeling before the altar
chanting hymns to The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness, and The
Big Zero in the Sky. Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside
him and whispered, "Is Nothing Sacred?" (By Stan Kegel)

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift
wrapped box. "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week
I asked her what she wanted for her birthday." "And???" Bill asked.
"Well, she said, 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with
diamonds in it.'" "So what did you get her?" asked Bill. "I bought her
a deck of cards!!"

Technical/engineering schools such as MIT and Cal Tech pride
themselves on their excellence in teaching mathematical skills. They
only got in trouble once in a beginning calculus course in which there
was a Friday night exam. It seems that many of the students thought
they knew the material so well that they drank beer all afternoon
before the exam. By the bad grades on their exams, they learned that
alcohol and differential calculus don't mix. By now, most everyone
knows you should never drink and derive. (Mike Brimberry and Alan Combs)

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher
decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday,
as the plate was being passed he said... "Brothers and Sisters, I
don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation
who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there
is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his
name. Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills,
and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace,
I'll have that other three dollars before sundown.

			 OTHER HUMOR

	 In a contest in Santa Rosita
	 A Chihuahua won "Best Margarita."
		 Twas almost a draw
		 But the cat broke a law
	 And the prize never goes to a cheetah.
		 (Bob Dvorak)

Appellate:  Something to feed your hamster.

The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you'll know
when to cringe next time.

"The Greek woodland God has died," Tom said with a deadpan expression.

JEST FOR KIDS 04-15-08
		 Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

			 RIDDLES

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
	 "Now I herd everything"

What did the bartender say after he saw a sandwich walk into his bar.
	 "Sorry we don't serve food here."

Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one?
	 No, I'd rather have an old $100 bill than a new $1 bill.

Why are rivers lazy?
	 Because they stay in their beds.

What do frogs wear on their feet in summer?
	 Open-toad shoes!

How is the letter A like a flower?
	 Bees follow them both!

			 PUNS

Did you hear about the two seeing eye dogs that went on a blind date?

After making cakes all day, the baker felt stir crazy.

I went to a parachute-jumping class. The dropout rate was incredible.
(Milton Berle)

A man once told me, "Cheer up, things could be worse." So I cheered
up, and sure enough, things got worse.

To make egg roll, push it.

When the trucker passed the mountain driving test, he made the grade.

			 GROANERS

A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she
asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned
with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and
threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm
allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

I attended electronics college for a 20-month course, leaving with my
Associate Degree. One day in lab class, my partner decided he knew
enough about circuitry to screw with a breadboard design by himself.
The result was that he managed to get his hands across the 1350 volt
oscilloscope vacuum tube leads, knocking him off his chair several
feet. When my prof asked what happened, I told him, "Dave thought he
was an engineer. Turns out he was only a conductor."

A man had his first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why
he was there, the man said, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside
looking in." "Well," responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try
to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do
you do for a living?" The patient said, "I'm a window washer."

			 OTHER HUMOR

Malpractice:  Shopping till you get it right

Sedar: A phrase meaning "I'm speaking to you" made popular in the
song, "SEDAR, you with the stars in your eye!"

New Books: "The Gangsters" by Robin Steele

"The wind blew off my hat!" said Tom off the top of his head.

Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it. (Benjamin Franklin)

OLD BRICKLAYERS never die, they just lay all day.

Headline: Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

PUNS OF THE DAY 04-14-08

			 PUNS

She wanted to be seen In the best places so he bought her a low-cut
evening gown

Father to his six-year-old-son: "Words are very important. When you
talk to our neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call
her the happy hooker!"

A rancher let his cows roam anywhere they wished. He let the chips
fall where they may.

Undertakers have to get up early in the mourning.

"Waiter, I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're
going to die."

			 GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

I need to advise you of a nefarious plot by one of our greatest news
agencies. I discovered that they tried to clone Walter Cronkite, but
after creating the embryo and implanting it into the host mother, they
discovered, that they were going to be producing twins. I therefore
shall go and drink to absolve myself of my awareness of this heinous
act of replication, thereby making of my evening, a binge over doubled
Walters.

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases
it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car
and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The
lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the
traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a
police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the
blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?" "My
car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly. "Well, what the hell
are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.
"Helllooooooo!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her
neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday
and asked "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go into the city this afternoon to
meet my daughter; can I get you anything? Mrs. Cohen thanked her and
exclaimed "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't
you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's
all paid for - why should you pay extra." The neighbor thanked her and
got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened
to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen". "Excuse me
madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this
ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A
little suspicious, the conductor asked "would you let me compare
signatures - would you please sign your name?" The Black lady turned
indignantly and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want I should write
on Shabbos?"

			 OTHER HUMOR

Aversion: One side of a disputed story

Locker: Take this hooker and LOCKER up until her pimp bails her out.

"It's hard work arresting that girl!" said Tom, laboring under a
misapprehension.

"The Stars Tell It All" by Horace Cope

Headline: Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Confucius Says... "Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!"

JEST FOR KIDS 04-14-08
		 Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

			 RIDDLES

What keeps the oceans clean?
	 Tide

How do sailors get their clothes clean?
	 They throw them overboard and they wash ashore.

What was the outcome when a lawyer sued because he tore his clothes
when he slipped on a banana skin?
   	 He lost the suit on appeal

What do you give a dog with a fever?
	 Ketchup. It's the best thing for a hot dog

What would you get if you crossed the Snow Queen with a vampire?
	 Frost bite!

Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness?
	 He wanted to get the story straight.

When is an artist like an Indian shooting a arrow?
	 When he draws a bow.

			 PUNS

Male deer have buck teeth.

Toilet training a young child is always a matter of pot luck.

The bar mirror allowed him to watch his drinking

She dumped the guitarist because he wanted to string her along.

One bee took over the other's shift to give him a break.  He was a
spelling bee.

My daughter was telling me about a trip to the zoo with her
grandparents and how she saw a very large turtle who approached them.
She exclaimed, "He was walking right tortoise!"

			 GROANERS

"I'm new around here," said a man to a little boy, "Will you please
direct me to the bank?" "I will, but it'll cost you ten dollars."
Answered the boy. "Why should I pay you so much?" Argued the man.
"Because bank directors are always highly paid."

She knew that the word "marriage" had a nice ring to it. Also that she
would get a new name and a dress. So she married the TV repair man,
and the reception was excellent. It was a very emotional wedding, even
the cake was in tiers.

An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in
her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was
having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her
temples. A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" "Tense,"
she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the
student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter?
What might have been the matter?"

Two uranium 235 atoms are walking down the street when a neutron
smashes into one. It splits into a barium 141 atom and a krypton 92
atom. The krypton atom shoots off, leaving the barium atom feeling a
little shocked but not too worse for wear, whereupon it dusts itself
down and looks at its new, lighter form. It turns to the remaining
uranium atom and says "D'you know, I think I just lost some weight."
The uranium atom sneers at this and says "I think you're just fission
for compliments."

			 OTHER HUMOR

	 There's a hard-working laborer, Bob,
	 Who paves cul-de-sacs; said with a sob:
		 "I have done this for years,
		 So to me it appears
	 That I'm stuck in this darn dead-end job."
		 (Kirk Miller)

Race Track: A place where windows clean people.

Soda: I SODA new button on your shirt this morning

The question on a test I had given to my eighth grade students read:
"Find x: x+17=32." On a technicality, however, I had to mark one
confused student's answer correct: She had found and carefully drawn a
circle around the x.

"I'm three feet taller than I was yesterday," said Tom gruesomely, up
the yard. (Jonathan Joshua Englander)

"Handling Your Emotions" by Mel N. Callie

OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away.

Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s,
there were a lot of folks who thought so.

Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-
lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90
MPH curve ball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's
ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of
the plate for a strike. His change up made the best hitters in the
league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat, and stare incredulously
as the ball hit the catcher's mitt. He was indeed awesome!

Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't
you ever heard of him?

Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was demon alcohol.
Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost
legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching
until The Braves and the Yankees were in the World Series!

Excitement reigned!

The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New
York for the seventh and deciding game.

The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He
snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of
beer.

As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But
being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine -- until the
bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out,
and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up
to him.

Eight straight pitches -- eight straight balls. He walked in the tying
run and the winning run, thereby, losing the game and the series.

After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and
spoke to the last two players that faced Mel.

"Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the
best pitcher in the major leagues"?

In unison they replied, .... "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk
us"!

A few comments are in order:

When this was written The Braves had recently moved to Milwaukee from
Boston. Subsequently, they moved from there to Atlanta where they now
reside.

At that time a popular brew was "Old Milwaukee Beer" Their slogan was,
"The beer that made Milwaukee famous."

***Tax Humor FOR APRIL 15th***

The only time the average child is as good as gold is April 15th.
(Archives)

I was making a speech on the Senate floor and I said, “Now, ladies and
gentlemen, let me tax your memories,” And Kennedy jumped up and said,
“Why haven't we thought of that before?” (Bob Dole)

Medical research has now confirmed that marijuana use has definite
medicinal properties for treatment of glaucoma and other illnesses.
The IRS has now ruled that expenses of medicinal marijuana can be
deducted as a medical expense, but only if you file a joint return.

If the Lord had meant us to pay income taxes, he'd have made us smart
enough to prepare the return.

Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my
analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was
entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious
contribution. (Woody Allen)

The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government
will find a way to tax them.

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April
Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!' (Robert Knauerhase)

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried but
they wanted cash.

This is the season of the year when we discover that we owe most of
our success to Uncle Sam. (The Wall Street Journal)

What do women and tax forms have in common?
	 Men love to cheat on them.

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those
receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab
yourself in the aorta. (Dave Barry)

just arrived, and all of us applaud it. The only question to decide is
who will get to audit it. (New York magazine)

There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming
taxpayers won't cure. (Dan Bennett)

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50
that  you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

Our forefathers made one mistake. What they should have fought for was
representation without taxation. (Fletcher Knebel)

The politician's promises of yesterday are the taxes of today. (W. L.
Mackenzie King)

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written
today. (Herman Wouk)

In the end, when you're dealing with tax laws, the pigs get fatter and
the hogs get slaughtered. (Gene Gavin

Death and taxes are both certain . .. But death isn't annual.

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men
and women.

The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of
government. (Barry M. Goldwater)

My uncle claims that if he files his income tax wrong he'll go to
jail, and if he files it right he'll go to the poor house. (Nonnee Coan)

I have trouble reconciling my net income with my gross habits. (Errol
Flynn)

When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding
taxes on the wages of sin. (Mae West)

You're acting like a thing from another tax bracket! (Buffy the
Vampire Slayer)

It used to be that death and taxes alone were inevitable. Now there's
shipping and handling. (Bert Murray)

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut
saves you 30 cents? (Peg Bracken)

There is a difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- the
taxidermist leaves the hide. (Mortimer Caplan)

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
toilet seat. (Sue Murphy)

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others. (Oscar Wilde)

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and
miss. (Robert Heinlein)

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
something right.

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I
wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. (Tom Lehrer)

There is just one thing I can promise you about the outer space
program: your tax dollars will go farther. (Wernher Von Braun)

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
(Herbert Hoover)

A dollar saved is bound to be taxed.

The tax collector must love poor people--he's creating so many of
them. (Bill Vaughan)

The thing generally raised on city land is taxes. (Charles Dudley
Warner)

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS  04-12-08
		 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

		 TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

I should be excited because this is a historic night for television.
Earlier tonight, all three -- I don't think this has ever happened
before -- all three presidential candidates appeared on "American
Idol." That's true, yeah. It was interesting. Randy Jackson, Paula
Abdul and Simon Cowell looked at them and said, "Wait, there's a black
guy, a woman and a cranky white guy. You stole our formula!" (Conan
O'Brien)

Taxes are due next week. We all hate paying taxes, but without our tax
money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes.
(Jimmy Kimmel)

A new survey confirms that the Bible is America's favorite book,
especially among politicians who are killing time at motels waiting
for their escorts to arrive. (Pedro Bartes)

Congress learned Tuesday that government workers charged tailor-made
suits, Internet dating, lingerie and dinners to their government
credit cards. The timing is no accident. It's a clever ploy to take
everyone's mind off the money we're wasting in Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

John Corzine, governor of New Jersey and Clinton superdelegate, says
he might switch his allegiance to Barack Obama. But this is not
unprecedented. He would not be the first governor of New Jersey to
switch from a woman to a guy. (Jay Leno)

The Clintons disclosed their tax information and in eight years they
have donated over $10 million to charity. Yeah, and, in addition to
Charity, Bill has also donated to Tiffany, Bambi, Chrystal, Amber,
Brandi and Roxanne. (Alex Kaseberg)

The military is spending $153 Million a month on fuel for the war in
Iraq. That and $4 a gallon gas in the U.S. pretty much proves the
government's claim that we didn't invade to keep oil prices down. (Jim
Barach)

Here's kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in
the woods and nobody's around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it?
(Jay Leno)

President Bush met with Vladimir Putin at the Russian leader's heavily
wooded retreat in the Black Sea resort of Sochi. Following a lavish
state dinner, the two leaders joined a traditional folk dance backed
by a chorus of Cossacks. The president thinks it will improve his
popularity if he's seen on Dancing with the Czars. (Argus Hamilton)

Atlanta, Newark, Philadelphia and New York now offer medical services
at airport clinics, treating passengers with time to kill during
layovers. Convenience plus. You can now score a quickie colonoscopy
while they're searching for your luggage (Bob Mills)

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices continue to climb
Wednesday. The dwindling value of our currency helps run up the cost
per barrel. There was a time when Americans thought that nothing was
as valuable as the U.S. dollar, and today it is. (Argus Hamilton)

Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced he will not --
will not -- accept the nomination for vice president. Which is really
important, considering no one has asked him. (Jay Leno)

This month, the Pentagon will issue hand-held lie detectors to U.S.
Army soldiers in Afghanistan. They costs $7500 each and are 60%
accurate. Some people think it is a waste of money because we can use
another device with 50% accuracy that'll save us $7,499.75. Just flip
a quarter. (Pedro Bartes)

		 LINKS TO THE WEB

Capital Steps: "If He Weren't A Black Man"
http://www.capsteps.com/sounds/obama-blackman.mp3

		 THE CANDIDATES

John McCain is rumored to be close to asking his former rival, Mitt
Romney, to be his running mate. You might remember that when they were
running against each other, McCain accused Romney of having two
positions on every issue. I guess now he figures there will at least
be one position he likes, so what the (heck).  (Jimmy Kimmel)

John McCain said this week he will release his medical records in May.
He says he is only on three medications -- aspirin, Claritin and
another pill they did not identify. Well, let's see, he's got a a wife
that's 20 years younger, he's in his 70s. (Jay Leno)

After Governor Bill Richardson switched his support from Hillary
Clinton to Barack Obama last week, an angry Bill Clinton said, "Five
times to my face he said he would never do that." Wow, so he looked
you right in the face and lied to you. What's that like? (Seth Meyers)

A new TV commercial for Hillary Clinton says she has, quote, a spine
of steel. A spine of steel. When he heard this, John McCain said, "Oh
yeah, well, I've got a titanium hip" (Conan O'Brien)

A lot of people whispering about John McCain's temper. Well, this is
the latest. It's been reported that John McCain once got so angry at
his wife during a public appearance that he called her the worst name
you can call your wife. Yeah, that's right. He called her Hillary.
(Conan O'Brien)

Condoleezza Rice is lobbying to be considered for the GOP vice
presidential nod despite her record of foreign policy debacles. The
GOP presidential nominee would have to be clinically insane to add her
to the ticket. So it's as good as done. (Argus Hamilton)

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is now denying that she's
interested in being John McCain's vice presidential nominee. She says
she doesn't want the job. She believes McCain is a great leader, but
she has no training as a registered nurse. So, consequently, she would
not be able to assist in any way. (Jay Leno)

Senator Jay Rockefeller apologized for saying John McCain didn't care
where his bombs fell on Vietnam. Imagine Rockefeller's surprise at all
the demands for an apology. People who own Exxon aren't used to
anybody telling them that they're wrong. (Argus Hamilton)

I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to
distance himself from George Bush, first off, by completing sentences
with punctuation. (Bill Maher)

John McCain says he has 20 names on a list of possible vice
presidential candidates. Unfortunately, most of the names on the list
are characters on "Matlock." (Conan O'Brien)

Last week, John McCain visited his old school. In high school, he
studied Latin. Did you know that? Well, he had to, that was the only
language spoken. (Jay Leno)

John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. You see, he
has Life Alert. (Jay Leno)

Big day in Washington. General Petraeus, the top general in Iraq,
testified on Capitol Hill today, and he was questioned by Senators
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. That's right, Obama and Clinton both
had the same question for Petraeus -- "Are you, by any chance, a
superdelegate?" (Conan O'Brien)

Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she
went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper
fire. Never happened. And had to run to the car for cover. Never
happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her
marriage. (Bill Maher)

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton was in Indiana trying to get more people
there to like her. She claims to have taken some incoming sniper fire
at the Indianapolis airport baggage carousel, but other than that,
they say the trip went very well. (Jimmy Kimmel)

It looks like there's a little more fudging of Hillary's records.
Remember when she said she was deeply involved in the Irish Peace
Process? Turns out, she just saw "Lord of the Dance." (Jay Leno)

Hillary Clinton's campaign on Friday released her joint tax returns
showing $109 million in income over the last seven years. Though most
of that comes from Bill Clinton's speaking engagements, book royalties
and stud fees. (Amy Poehler)

Bill and Hillary Clinton released their tax returns Friday, revealing
that they made nearly a hundred and ten million dollars since leaving
the White House. No one begrudges them. Americans have always felt
that great comedians are worth every penny. (Argus Hamilton)

Last week Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky. And this just in:
Bill Clinton has compared himself to Bullwinkle. (Toms Lake Humor
Company)

It looks like Barack Obama has taken a 10-point lead over Hillary
Clinton. You know they say that behind every successful man there is a
woman; unfortunately for Hillary, it's her. (Jay Leno)

On Barack Obama bowling a 37 out of 300 while campaigning in
Pennsylvania: "Of course, being a Democrat, he automatically demanded
a recount. (Jay Leno)

		 PRESIDENT BUSH

Down in Washington, D.C., President Bush threw the first pitch at a
Nationals game. He left at the seventh inning, and I thought, "Great.
At least he has an exit strategy for that." (David Letterman)

President Bush was in Bucharest for his last NATO summit. He tried to
compliment the people of Romania by saying, "I really enjoy your
lettuce." (Alan Ray)

President Bush offers plan for home crisis: summer in Kennebunkport,
winter in the Emirates. (Michael Feldman)

		 THE ADMINISTRATION

Bush's secretary of housing is stepping down. Well, sure! No one's got
a house anymore. He's got nothing to do! (Jay Leno)

The secret service is expected to spend more than $4 million to
protect Dick Cheney's life for six months after the Bush
administration leaves office. Cheney will be mostly surrounded with
guys with defibrillators and a special CPR unit. (Pedro Bartes)

		 THE REPUBLICANS

Bars and restaurants in Minneapolis will be able to open until 4 am
during the Republican National Convention. As for the bathrooms, GOP
members requested they stay open 24 hours a day. (Pedro Bartes)

		 THE CONGRESS

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is blasting the Congressional
delay on the Colombian free trade agreement. It's getting so bad, Juan
Valdez has been forced to eat his own donkey. (Jake Novak)

Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? Remember the guy who
admitted he was having sex with a prostitute? Remember, he thought
that was all over? Well, he's back in the news again. It looks like he
may be forced to testify in the case of the DC Madam. That's not good
for your reputation, huh? You're testifying in a prostitution case as
an expert witness. That's got to make for some interesting chit-chat
with the wife over the breakfast table, huh? "Oh, honey, good luck in
court today with your little whores." (Jay Leno)

		 THE STATES

Lawmakers in Florida passed a bill that would allow people to take
their guns to work with them except some places like prisons and
schools. Aren't those the places where you need guns the most? (Pedro
Bartes)

Speaking of disgraced New York governors, Eliot Spitzer and his wife
made their first public appearance yesterday. Oh, man. How
uncomfortable is that? They went into the NYU Medical Center.
Apparently, she's having him castrated. (Jay Leno)

I thought this was great. It's tax season. Governor and Mrs. McGreevey
had a four-way with H & R Block. (David Letterman)

		 LOCAL NEWS

The Mayflower Hotel said its gift shop has sold out of souvenirs since
the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal broke. The former governor spent eighty
thousand dollars on hookers. He's so grateful that the ethics rules
did not allow him to put that money in Bear Stearns. (Argus Hamilton)

Michigan Firefighters carried all 200 senior citizens out of a fire at
a three-story independent-living complex Wednesday. Most seniors
agreed it was great to be alive -- and warm for the first time this
year. (Joe Hickman)

		 CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Newfane, VT, Sheriff captain Heidi Nelson has been charged with having
a sexual relationship with a 17 year old student in her law
enforcement class at Brattleboro High School. But in Heidi's defense,
she demonstrated proper arrest protocol by arresting herself in class.
(Bob Mills)

		 SECURITY

The Department of Homeland Security has waived environmental and land
management laws in order to complete a 670 mile long border fence.
They also waived labor laws in hiring illegal workers to build it.
(Jim Barach)

On Wednesday, federal regulators approved a plan to create a
nationwide emergency alert system using text messaging. Apparently,
they hired someone fast and reliable when it comes to text messaging:
Detroit Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick. (Pedro Bartes)

		 THE ECONOMY & TAXES

In the wake of the expanding mortgage crisis, the Bush administration
on Monday proposed the most far-reaching overhaul of the financial
regulatory system since the Great Depression. On the downside, all
banking transactions now begin with "Pick a card." (Seth Meyers)

The U. S. economy lost 80,000 jobs in March. The government expects to
get all those jobs back as soon as Oprah gets a new dog. (Pedro Bartes)

More bad news on the economic front. 80,000 people lost jobs last
month. 80,000 people lost jobs. But, to be fair, most of those are
politicians caught with hookers. (Jay Leno)

78% of those polled say the economy is worse than it was five years
ago. President Bush says that at least that means during his
presidency there were some good times. (Jim Barach)

Alan Greenspan told CNBC reporters Tuesday the U.S. economy is in
recession. Yet he's doing quite well himself. Alan Greenspan retired
last year as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and with that
generally comes a lucrative modeling career. (Argus Hamilton)

		 THE MILITARY

The Pentagon will begin equipping U. S. soldiers with hand-held lie
detectors. Expect fewer and fewer visits from politicians in the area.
(Pedro Bartes)

Here's your technology at work. The Pentagon now has developed a
handheld lie detector that's gonna be distributed to troops. It's
amazing. They can actually aim it at someone, and when the person is
talking, they can tell if that person is lying. In fact, when the
military showed this to Senator Clinton, she said, "Get that damn
thing away from me." (Jay Leno)

An internal audit has revealed that employees of the Veterans
Administration charged $2.6 million to the government for vacations,
casino visits, parties, designer clothes and purchases from Sharper
Image. In their defense, they were testing Sharper Image's new “Limp-
Master,“ combination air purifier, FM radio and leg prosthesis. (Bob
Mills)

		 MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Hillary Clinton said reasonable people differ over the merits of the
Colombia free-trade deal, admitting she's against it and her husband
is for it. Bill takes the money for supporting the trade deal while
Hillary takes the votes for opposing the trade deal. Chelsea taught
them how to do that when she worked for the hedge fund. (Argus Hamilton)

Hugo Chavez canceled The Simpsons on Venezuelan television Tuesday. He
deemed it inappropriate for kids and replaced it with Baywatch. What
leader doesn't think that big-busted women in bikinis are better for
children than anti-government satire? (Argus Hamilton)

		 IRAQ & IRAN

I don't know if you've heard this, but in Iraq, the Shiite has hit the
fan. This war going on between a powerful Shiite militia and the Iraqi
army, which is a powerful Shiite militia. It's so violent that Baghdad
and five other cities now are in complete lockdown. No one can go on
the streets. So, if you're a Republican looking for a photo-op to show
how peaceful it is, now is a good time. (Bill Maher)

The ambassador to Iraq said today there has been an economic revival
in Baghdad. Well, it's nice to see Bush's economic plan working out
somewhere. (Jay Leno)

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Tuesday his nation is
making great progress on its nuclear program. He said scientists are
installing thousands of new centrifuges to enrich uranium. In Los
Angeles, this is known as suicide by cop. (Argus Hamilton)

		 THE OLYMPICS

The Olympic torch is an ancient tradition. It symbolizes fire stolen
from the Greek God Zeus by Prometheus. Prometheus stole the fire from
Zeus, and he gave it to an old guy named John McCain. (Craig Ferguson)

The International Olympic Committee is considering ending the
international leg of the Beijing Olympic torch relay because of anti-
Chinese protests, and because no one can afford the lighter fuel to
keep the torch lit. (Jake Novak)

Got a lot of protests with the Olympics torch coming through
California. See it on the news today? Man, you know, I can't believe
this state even allowed the torch in here. Not because of Tibet. I
mean, the guy running through the state with a giant torch at the
beginning of brushfire season. How smart is that? (Jay Leno)

The Olympic torch has arrived in Beijing. It will be taken all across
China, where it will be used to set protesters on fire. (Jake Novak)

Canada may boycott the summer Olympics, because of China's treatment
of Tibet. When asked about the boycott, Canada's prime minister said,
“I'm very angry at China - plus we suck at summer sports. ” (Conan
O'Brien)

A lot of Democrats are asking President Bush to boycott the opening of
the Olympics. Well, good luck with that. With the flags, the parades,
the balloons? He loves balloons! (Jay Leno)

Well, a few times, the protesters became so aggressive that the
Chinese security team had to retreat with the torch to one of their
embassies. Luckily, there was a Wal-Mart in the area, so that's a
protected area. (Jay Leno)

Fearful about the prospect of human rights protesters ruining the 2008
Olympics in Beijing, China today announced a plan to move the summer
games to a remote location where no one can find them. (Andy Borowitz)

San Francisco hosted the Olympic torch relay Wednesday amid protests
against China's troops beating Tibetans with sticks. Congress is
concerned. We should have asked about China's collections department
before we borrowed ten trillion dollars from them. (Argus Hamilton)

		 FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Officials in Copenhagen, Denmark announced plans for a gay-only
cemetery space. It'll be the only cemetery where people are buried
face down (Pedro Bartes)

		 INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

A baby with two faces was born in a northern Indian village, where she
is doing well and is being worshipped as the reincarnation of a Hindu
goddess. In America, any 2-faced child could grow up to be president.
(Joe Hickman)

A baby with two faces was born in a northern Indian village, media
reports say. She is considered a goddess because she can answer
customer questions twice as fast as any other Indian tech support.
(Pedro Bartes)

		 AFRICA

Liberia's former ruler Charles Taylor had a bad day at his war crimes
trial at the Hague Thursday. His staffers said he had his enemies
murdered and cannibalized. One day the dictator got severe indigestion
when he ate someone who disagreed with him. (Argus Hamilton)

		 SCIENCE & HEALTH

A new study done by the Primate Research Center says that chimpanzees
communicate by using facial expressions. In a related story, a study
done by Fox News says that Republicans communicate by using American
Flag lapel pins. (Patrick Gorse)

A report says the cost of health care is rising. The news was
overwhelming to most patients. The investigator actually got in to see
a doctor? (Alan Ray)

An Oregon man claims he is pregnant. Guys, this is what can happen if
your wife takes your Viagra by mistake. (Alex Kaseberg)

In science news, this is interesting. British scientists have mixed
human DNA with cow DNA. Now, wasn't Bill Clinton impeached for doing
the same thing? (Jay Leno)

Scientists say that fish oil can fight off Alzheimer's. That is if
they remember to take one pill a day. (Pedro Bartes)

The latest cell phone advance is voice-activated text messages. You
can send a text message by just talking on the phone instead of
typing. Wow, voice-text messages, pictures, videos, songs, movies,
next thing you know you'll be able to use a cell phone to talk to
another person. (Alex Kaseberg)

		 THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

The Weather Channel showed spectacular hailstorms and lightning
strikes across the South and up in Wyoming. The severe weather only
struck the gun rights states. However, Charlton Heston is working
night and day with Ben Hogan to correct his slice. (Argus Hamilton)

		 SPORTS

Wilt Chamberlain may be immortalized with his photograph on a U.S.
postage stamp, it was reported Friday. The basketball legend claimed
in his autobiography that he slept with ten thousand women. They are
putting his picture on the overnight stamp. (Argus Hamilton)

Kansas beat Memphis to win the NCAA men's championship. The Kansas
cheer is “Rock, chalk, Jayhawk” but nobody knows what it means. Kind
of like the term; “US-Iraq exit strategy”, nobody has a clue what that
means.  (Alex Kaseberg)

Bill Buckner has thrown out the ceremonial first pitch at the Red Sox
opening game at Fenway Park. The ceremony was delayed because Buckner
arrived late after "he couldn't catch" his ride in time. (Pedro Bartes)

It was the 96th opening day for the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park
Tuesday afternoon, and the team pulled out all the stops. Naomi
Campbell threw out the first cell phone. (Patrick Gorse)

The San Francisco Giants removed every image of Barry Bonds from their
stadium before this week's home opener. No team has signed him yet.
Barry Bonds says he's in shape and he wants to play, but so far his
only offer is from Senator Larry Craig. (Argus Hamilton)

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart apologized Thursday after
photos of him surfaced on the Internet. They show him in his hot tub
with four girls, drinking from a beer bong. Everyone's disappointed.
At the scouting combine he did six girls and two bongs. (Argus Hamilton)

Formula One chairman Max Mosley was taped being spanked by five
hookers dressed as Nazis at a club in the London suburb of Chelsea. He
refused to resign Monday. Bill and Hillary Clinton are demanding that
he be fired for linking prostitutes to Chelsea. (Argus Hamilton)

		 ENTERTAINMENT

Disney has announced that they are filming “High School Musical 4.”
Keep in mind they are still filming “High School Musical 3.” It makes
you wonder how many years these kids can stay in high school. (Jimmy
Kimmel)

Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden, but I don't think
I'm going to the circus this year; if I want to see clowns at Madison
Square Garden, I'll go to a Knicks game. (David Letterman)

		 THE MEDIA

CBS News was reported Monday to be negotiating to outsource all news
reporting to CNN. The cable news networks are all ripe takeover
targets. Their daily coverage of Barack Obama is so worshipful that
they're now tax-exempt as religious broadcasters. (Argus Hamilton)

The flashy, $450-million "Newseum" opened today in Washington, D.C.
Most of that $450million has already been spent on the Katie Couric
memorial. (Jake Novak)

		 CELEBRITIES

Beyoncé was wearing a huge diamond ring at Jay-Z's concert in Atlanta
on Tuesday night. Reporters cannot decide weather this is a
confirmation that they are married or Jay-Z has been caught cheating
on her. (Pedro Bartes)

Jerry Seinfeld rolled his Fiat when his brakes failed on a highway
Friday. He jerked the emergency break, spun his steering wheel, rolled
over twice and walked away unharmed. Nothing annoys the Highway Patrol
like the annual James Bond auditions. (Argus Hamilton)

Doris Day the Untold Story reveals the affair Doris Day had with
Mickey Mantle in 1962. He was a star and she was a star and they met
regularly at a New York hotel, and no one noticed. The Cuban Missile
Crisis had everybody looking up that fall. (Argus Hamilton)

Rob Lowe sued two former nannies in Beverly Hills Tuesday for
spreading gossip that he tried to bed them. They signed
confidentiality agreements. The sex scandal is the first sign that
NBC's West Wing will be back this fall with Rob Lowe as president.
(Argus Hamilton)

Ashlee Simpson announced yesterday that she and Fall Out Boy bassist
Pete Wentz are engaged. She also announced that she'll get into the
studio this week to record her vows to be able to lip-sync them at the
wedding ceremony. (Pedro Bartes)

Ted Turner told PBS Friday that in forty years, global warming will
destroy all crops and man will be reduced to cannibalism. Then he
called the insurgents in Iraq patriots. One day Ted Turner's bones
will be on display at the Dinosaur Park in Utah, representing the age
when television networks were not owned by the defense industry.
(Argus Hamilton)

Eliot Spitzer was swarmed by photographers Tuesday when he arrived at
New York University Medical Center. No one knows why. His friends have
been concerned about his health ever since they found out he coughed
up four thousand dollars for a hooker. (Argus Hamilton)

Larry King was ejected from a Beverly Hills Little League game last
week where his nine-year-old boy was playing. It's a special setting.
In Beverly Hills Little League, if a kid gets four balls he doesn't
walk, his mother drives him to first base. (Argus Hamilton)

		 EDUCATION

In a nationwide survey just released today, high school seniors, on
the average, answered correctly only 48% of the questions about
personal finance and economics. Only 48%. But that's still 10% better
than Bush's economic team. (Jay Leno)

Evergreen State College paid $51,000 for damage to police cars
following a college sponsored hip hop concert. Seems P. Diddy fans
were outraged by the appointment of Snoop Dogg to the schools'
prestigious Eminem Chair in Music. (Bob Mills)

		 CULTURE

Researchers from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee discovered in a
study that cities that ban smoking in bars have more drunk drivers on
the road. How lazy are we getting that we need to get in our cars to
go 25 ft away from the bar to be able to smoke. (Pedro Bartes)

		 BUSINESS & LABOR

Starbucks has canceled its plans to sell a one-dollar cup of coffee. A
company spokesman said, "You'll still be able to get a one-dollar cup
of coffee at Starbucks but it's going to cost you eight bucks." (Conan
O'Brien)

Boeing announced another delay involving its 787 jetliner, pushing its
expected debut to the third quarter of 2009. It's horse racing season
and Boeing is having a hard time finding jockeys to test the plane's
seats for width and leg room. (Paul Seaburn)

American Airlines canceled another 900 flights today as it continues
to perform safety inspections on certain jets. The only people in real
danger now are American Airlines ticket agents. (Jake Novak)

American Airlines canceled a thousand flights Wednesday to inspect the
wiring on its jets. It's obvious why. Ever since airlines stopped
serving food in economy class, passengers have been gnawing through
the floorboards on cross-country flights. (Argus Hamilton)

Linens 'N Things is expected to file for bankruptcy today. The company
says it always did well with sales of linens, but not so much with the
things.(Jake Novak)

		 POLLS & STUDIES

According to a recent survey, 61% of the top historians in the U. S.
rank George W. Bush as the worst president ever. When the president
was told about it, he said he still has some months to convince the
other 39%. (Pedro Bartes)

And according to a recent poll, one out of five people in their 20s
believe you can love more than one person at a time. Yeah. Is that
shocking? Hey, two out of two New York governors believe that. (Jay
Leno)

According to a New York Times/CBS poll, 81% of Americans believe the
country is on the wrong track. The other 19% admitted they're not
really paying attention." --Jay Leno

In a recent survey historians said that only 1.8 percent of the Bush's
presidency could be classified as a success. Apparently, they took
into account Bush's vacation time. (Pedro Bartes)

   A new study from the University of Michigan shows that having a
husband creates an extra seven hours of extra housework a week for
women. But in all fairness, wives still have more free time, because
they do not have sex anymore.(Pedro Bartes)

A CBS poll says Americans' view of the economy is at an all time low.
Only 4% feel the economy is getting better. Those are mostly homeless
people who are squatting in homes abandoned by people who had subprime
mortgages. (Jim Barach)

A Ghost Graduate Course

A famous ghostbuster once spent a night in an old house reputedly
haunted by the spirit of Sir John de Birmingham. According to his
professional manual, he would have to hum a certain passage by Mozart,
but under no circumstances leave it unfinished. If he failed to reach
the end of the music, the wretched wraith would wreak terrible
vengeance. Should he succeed in completing the passage, Sir John would
leave him in peace.

All went well until the stroke of 3 a.m. Suddenly, the phantom
appeared! Prepared for this, the ghostbuster began to hum quietly but
precisely the passage, as he had practiced it. Nearing its end, he was
relieved to note that Sir John's features were placid.

Suddenly, however, a second spirit appeared over Sir John's head! This
caused our hero to lose his concentration and leave the passage
unfinished. An unearthly snarl burst from the ethereal lips of Sir
John, followed by a stream of curses. In terror, the ghostbuster fled
the house.

Ever since, the man's colleagues in the profession have asked him,
"Did your shooing hum lose its quaver on the dead ghost over knight?"

A Ghost Graduate Course: By Sir Richard Burton from "The Ants Are My
Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel ©2007 Marion Street Press:
"Did your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight?" from
"Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?" by
Marty Bloom, Ernest Breuer, and Billy Rose.

Recently, Rabbi Jacobawitz, the chief rabbi of England, was knighted
by the Queen.

As part of the knighting ceremony, Rabbi Jacobawitz had to kneel
before the Queen, and as we all know Jews do not bow before anyone
except Hashem. On top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from
the Christian liturgy during the actual knighting.

The Rabbi was in a quandary, as this was being televised, but he could
NOT violate the Jewish laws. The five honorees were lined up waiting
for the Queen to receive them. As her royal highness entered the room
all kneeled, except for Rabbi Jacobawitz.

The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it. Then, the Queen
began knighting each person.

When she came to Rabbi Jacobawitz, who still wasn't kneeling, she
looked at him expectantly.

Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat
and shake with nervousness.

Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came
to mind: "Ma Nish Tana Halilah Hazeh!"

The Queen, perplexed, turned to Prince Charles and asked, "Why is this
knight different from all other knights?" (By George Burns)

"Ma Nish Tana Halilah Hazeh!": "Why is this night different from all
other nights?" the question asked at the start or every Passover Sedar.

PUNS OF THE DAY 04-11-08

			 PUNS

Years ago, when I was in 6th grade, we were studying financial terms.
The teacher asked the class, "What is the difference between
liabilities and assets?". A voice from the back of the room replied,
"If you have too many liabilities, your assets in jail!"

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife
finds out, she'll kill me. (Henny Youngman)

He reigned over hundreds of mules. It was because of this that he got
all of the donkey food gratis.  It was free for the Ass King! (Norm
Gilbert)

According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends
secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend
something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good
news? One hundred percent of the men aren't listening anyway. (Jay Leno)

Did you hear about the latest Palestinian peace offer? It bombed.

Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumble-bee who became
ill while gathering pollen but continued to work. Unfortunately, he
thus infected all the flowers with his virus. The consequences are
recorded in the annals of horticulture as the blight of the fumble bee.

			 GROANERS & SHAGGY PUPPY STORIES

My uncle was turned down for social security retirement on account of
his age. They said he was mostly 65, but when they took into account
his kidney transplant, his two knee replacements, his new hip joint
and his most recent toupee. He averages out to be only forty-nine!
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

David Beckham, the famous English soccer player and Spice Girl
husband, was teaching his new son Romeo the finer points about soccer.
After a while Romeo asked his Dad what number he should have on his
uniform when he starts playing for a team. David replied "Wear 4 out
there Romeo."

A preacher was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning. He said to
his small congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for
everything. The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have
all, at one time or another, been in the same situations you have."
"Even PMS?" a woman asked. "Yes, I assure you," said the preacher,
"PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it and tell you the
passage at services next week." So everyone goes home after the
service. Meanwhile, the preacher is looking for the PMS passage. When
Sunday comes around, he gets in front of the congregation and begins
his Homily in the service. "People, I have found the passage in the
Bible referring to PMS. "Really, Preacher? Where?" the lady asked.
"It's right here in this passage where it says, 'And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.'"

They say marriage is a contract. No it's not. Contracts come with
warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the
manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him
back to his mama's house. "I don't know... he just stopped working.
He's just laying around making a funny noise."

			 OTHER HUMOR

	 People named in my will should be fine.
	 They will get the estate that is mine.
		 And if they should share it,
		 Their offspring inherit,
	 Which will make a re-seeding heirline.
		 (Kirk Miller)

Advice: Phone book pages for massage parlors and escort services.

Puerile: The water's so PUERILE bet its been distilled.  (Jason Dias)

Confucius says... "Man who sit on hot stove will rise again."

JEST FOR KIDS 04-11-08
		 Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old

			 RIDDLES

What part of a newspaper does a male lion read?
	 The mane part

What did the baseball coach get out of the bank?
	 He got his diamond back

Why did the chicken only go halfway across the road?
	 To lay it on the line.

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
	 You take me for grunted.

Why did the minister visit different car lots every day?
	 He was looking for convertibles!

What do dancers drink to wash down their food?
	 Tap Water

			 PUNS

A doctor who fell on his funny bone had a nurse tell him it was a
humerus incident.

There's a new magnetic steam iron that makes your clothes attractive.

Some trees are very small like bonsai trees, but don't expect to grow
one the miniature planting it.

Our business professor at the University at Buffalo was lecturing
about different ways to bill customers. He asked, "Who can give me an
example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive
your goods?" One student piped up, "College tuition!"

Don't put off till tomorrow what ... You put on to go to bed.

			 GROANERS

A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but
I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No
problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset and
replied, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big slice, but I'd
like to leave a little to my children, too!"

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a
break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother
picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a
Marcia Smith on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he
dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad!
They've got Mom! And they want money!"

It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent
local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the
tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is
leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman. He confesses to
what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.
The policeman asks why, and he answers, "Because the law states I'm
entitled to the presents of an attorney."

			  OTHER HUMOR

	 If Tin Man was in
	 Electric Light Orchestra
	 He'd be conductor
		 (Guy Ben-Moshe)

Wastebasket: A receptacle near which trash is tossed.

"I can't march any more!" the soldier called haltingly.

OLD BEEKEEPERS never die they just buzz off.

Confucius Says... He who keeps both feet planted firmly on ground,
have trouble getting pants off.

Headline: War Dims Hope For Peace