Why did Yahweh kill all those Catholics in Italy?  Did the pope piss him off? 
Maybe he was aiming for the Vatican but missed. . .

Have a good Friday today. Don't get nailed down or you might be cross. Try to
resurrect a positive outlook, if you do.

James

Slogan seen on a packet of low calorie, low fat communion wafers in a Vatican gift shop:

I can't believe it's not Jesus!

Atheism: Wherever you go, there you are.
Zen: Wherever you go, there you are,... or are you?
Taoism: Wherever you go, you're someplace else.
Buddhism: Wherever you go.
Judaism: Wherever you go, don't take any wooden nickels.
Christianity: Wherever you go, you're going to hell.
Paganism: Wherever you go, Christians will find you,...and drive you out of
Ireland .
Wicca: Wherever you go,... double, double, toil and trouble.
Hinduism: Wherever you go, thank you come again.
Islam: Wherever you go, we will find you and the sands will run red with blood!
Death to the Infidels!

'Girls Gone Wild' interrupts Good Friday service

Philadelphia Daily News

Sweet Jesus!

That just might have been the reaction of a Bucks County woman at about 2 a.m.
Friday when her regularly scheduled Comcast program - Good Friday Mass at the
Vatican - abruptly changed to a 30-second "Girls Gone Wild" ad.

The seemingly unholy programming snafu was caused by a test for the Emergency
Alert System, said Jeff Alexander, a Comcast spokesman.

"We're obliged to do emergency tests that are usually done in the overnight
hours," Alexander said last night.

The test automatically tunes viewers to a preselected channel that is supposed
to provide emergency information.

Since yesterday's test was just that, the preselected channel also aired its
regular programming, which in this case was a paid advertisement for a "Girls"
video. The ads are notoriously racy.

Alexander noted that no actual pornography was shown during the glitch.
Although the test affected Comcast's "entire" local footprint, only one person
called the company to complain, he said.
http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/20090410_Girls_Gone_Wild_interrupts_\
Good_Friday_service.html
April 13, 2009
Girls Gone Wild: Vatican telecast spurred record sales
  Softcore porn franchise Girls Gone Wild is claiming record sales after one of
its ubiquitous basic cable ads accidentally aired during a live telecast of the
Good Friday service at the Vatican.

According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, a Girls Gone Wild commercial was
broadcast throughout the Philadelphia market at 2 a.m. by Comcast. A spokesman
for the cable company said the ad was aired inadvertently due to a test of the
Emergency Alert System, during which the channel airs regular programming --
which in this case included an advertisement for "Girls Gone Wild's Search for
the Wildest Bar in America" DVD.
Now GGW CEO Joe Francis says he received a record spike in sales.

GGW"We may have tapped into a whole new market," Francis said. "It seems that
many of the same people interested in the Pope's message are also interested in
ours."

According to the Inquirer, the commercial reached the network's entire local
area, but only one person called to complain.

Francis claimed a "huge spike" in sales. With his ads running on networks like
Comedy Central and MTV, however, I highly doubt he broke any records with a 2
a.m. telecast in one market, regardless of the programming. But it's not like
Francis has much to lose, reputation wise, for stretching the truth at this
point.

Francis said he was "happy to have shared an audience with the Pope."

That's why I LMAO when Xtians condemn pagan religions as "occult."  What could
POSSIBLY be more occult than worshipping a zombie by eating his flesh and
drinking his blood ??

One of my online friends once created a photo-shop of a communion with the
caption
JESUS CHRIST........THE OTHER WHITE MEAT.

I'll see if I can find it online.

That's why I LMAO when Xtians condemn pagan religions as "occult." What could POSSIBLY be more occult than worshipping a zombie by eating his flesh and drinking his blood ??

--- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, "Donna Gore" <donnajgore@...> wrote:
>
> That's why I LMAO when Xtians condemn pagan religions as "occult."  What could
POSSIBLY be more occult than worshipping a zombie by eating his flesh and
drinking his blood ??
>


Good post, Donna.  Isn't it amazing how few Christian are aware that their
religion is based almost entirely on paganism.  Even the central themes---virgin
birth and resurrection predate Christianity by centuries and appears many times
over, in other beliefs.  Ken.

LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique
insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.

Image
This woman is just begging to be annoyed
The new method takes human skin cells and makes them behave like embryonic stem
cells in a breakthrough that has disappointed researchers across the globe.

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "I did not
spend eight years at university just to adopt research methods that do not annoy
the holy living shit out of the Jesus freaks.

"I got into this business to take science and rub it in their stupid, medieval,
voodoo faces and I'm not about to give that up now.

"It always puzzled me why they got so annoyed given that the embryo in question
had no brain or nervous system and how to the untrained eye it was impossible to
tell if was a human or a sea horse.

"Nevertheless they would open up their bibles and point to the bits about the
sanctity of this and the holiness of that and I'd point to the bit about how
it's forbidden to eat cormorants."

Professor Brubaker said he and his colleagues liked to play with the tiny
embryos and would often use them to act out scenes from the New Testament
including the Sermon on the Mount and the feeding of the five thousand.

The professor stressed that stem cells will also have a wide range of clinical
uses with the exception of bringing someone back to life after they have been
nailed to a cross, 'because that's just a dangerously insane fairy story'.

He added: "If only I could find some way of manipulating the embryo to make it
gay."

Great rant on Bill Maher's program this week.

http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/index.html

New Rule: Since viruses, like swine flu, get to be potentially deadly because
they "evolved," if you don't believe in evolution and you get it, you have to
pray it away.

You can't crap all over Darwin and stem cell research and global warming and
then come crawling back to science when you want Tamiflu. That's for us sinners.

A recent Zogby phone poll found that 78% of Americans favor teaching evidence
for and against Darwin 's theory; 43% also believe the pollster asking the
question was in fact a tiny man living inside the phone.

Now, last week I spoke about Governor Rick Perry of Texas , who mentioned
secession as an option for dealing with Obama's big government. But, now with
swine flu from Mexico coming at him, suddenly the idea of being all alone on the
border isn't quite so romantic, is it?

Yes, Governor Perry hates two things: government and science. He appointed a
creationist to head the Texas Board of Education. Which is shocking. Texas has a
board of education?! And now he wants 37,000 courses of antiviral flu medicine.
Sorry, Rick, we're all out. But, we do have 37,000 tea bags. Will that help?

You know, is it too much to ask for a little consistency? When I get sick, you
don't see me begging Jimmy Swaggart to put in a word to Jesus about my gout. I
go to the doctor like a normal person, and then I sell the left over pills to
Rush Limbaugh.

Folks, there is a lot that isn't known yet about this swine flu, but there is
one thing that we do know: the process that brought us the new flu is called
evolution. It's not rocket science, but it is science. A virus is Darwinian
behavior we can see in real time. We can see that it jumps on a host, procreates
until the host is exhausted and then jumps on something new. Like Mel Gibson.

Or think of it this way: viruses are like the free market. You adapt to survive
or you die. I mean, except for Citibank and AIG and Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac,
General Motors, Bear Stearns... Okay, bad example. They're nothing like the free
market.

And, by the way, intelligence-challenged members of the mainstream media,
creationism and Darwinism are not "opposing but equally legitimate theories" to
be treated as such. This flu virus didn't make the leap from pigs to humans
because God felt like f*cking with Mexicans. It happened because, like I said,
viruses adapt to survive. Just like all other organisms on Planet Earth. With
the possible exception of the Republican National Committee.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnLNqwKvlJ4&feature=channel

Actually people,  Claude is right.  Check this one out from my home state.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fr3ftmvO7Oc

It's ok people.  Jesus will lead you.

----- Original Message -----

From: Claude Kadiddlehopper

To: FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com

Sent: Wednesday, May 13, 2009 7:47 PM

Subject: Re: [FT-HUMOR] Tamiflu is for sinners!

Actually, Texas should be allowed to peacefully secede.  Let the Babble Thumpers pay for their inquisitions themselves and relieve themselves of representation in the more reasonable lands.  Let these different societies evolve and then let us see which draws the brains/workers and which draws the welfare bums/tax exempt churches.  After all, in which direction was emigration going at the East German border?    In my experience, one of the things we must be ever vigilant for as atheists is the lack of atheism as far as blindly worshipping Big Gummint.  I've met too many "atheists" who are really Marx worshippers.  It's ok to respect and learn from any source, even discredited sources, as long as healthy scepticism is maintained.  Mark S. Mesa, Az. (for now....) Now, last week I spoke about Governor Rick Perry of Texas , who mentioned secession as an option for dealing with Obama's big government. But, now with swine flu from Mexico coming at him, suddenly the idea of being all alone on the border isn't quite so romantic, is it? Yes, Governor Perry hates two things: government and science. He appointed a creationist to head the Texas Board of Education. Which is shocking.  Or think of it this way: viruses are like the free market. You adapt to survive or you die. I mean, except for Citibank and AIG and Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, General Motors, Bear Stearns... Okay, bad example. They're nothing like the free market.  Recent Activity  3 New Members Visit Your Group Give Back Yahoo! for Good Get inspired by a good cause. Y! Toolbar Get it Free! easy 1-click access to your groups. Yahoo! Groups Start a group in 3 easy steps. Connect with others. .

--- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, Claude Kadiddlehopper <masvx800@...> wrote:
>
> > Actually, Texas should be allowed to peacefully secede. (CUT)



Why not hand it back to Mexico.  Although, what they have seen of Texans, they
probably would refuse it.   Ken.





  Let the Babble Thumpers pay for their inquisitions themselves and relieve
themselves of representation in the more reasonable lands.  Let these different
societies evolve and then let us see which draws the brains/workers and which
draws the welfare bums/tax exempt churches.  After all, in which direction was
emigration going at the East German border? 
>  
> In my experience, one of the things we must be ever vigilant for as atheists
is the lack of atheism as far as blindly worshipping Big Gummint.  I've met too
many "atheists" who are really Marx worshippers.  It's ok to respect and learn
from any source, even discredited sources, as long as healthy scepticism is
maintained. 
> Mark S.
> Mesa, Az. (for now....)
>
> Now, last week I spoke about Governor Rick Perry of Texas , who mentioned
secession as an option for dealing with Obama's big government. But, now with
swine flu from Mexico coming at him, suddenly the idea of being all alone on the
border isn't quite so romantic, is it?
>
> Yes, Governor Perry hates two things: government and science. He appointed a
creationist to head the Texas Board of Education. Which is shocking. 
>
> Or think of it this way: viruses are like the free market. You adapt to
survive or you die. I mean, except for Citibank and AIG and Fannie Mae, Freddie
Mac, General Motors, Bear Stearns... Okay, bad example. They're nothing like the
free market. 
>
>
>
> Recent Activity
>
>
>  3
> New MembersVisit Your Group
>
>
>
> Give Back
> Yahoo! for Good
> Get inspired
> by a good cause.
>
> Y! Toolbar
> Get it Free!
> easy 1-click access
> to your groups.
>
> Yahoo! Groups
> Start a group
> in 3 easy steps.
> Connect with others.
> ..
>

Is this guy for real or have I been just drinking to long again?

Is this guy for real or am I just gettin flaky?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Since we're all using MICROSOFT products here, I thought I'd just let you know
these facts... Do you know that Bill gates' REAL name is William Henry Gates
III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) where "III" means the order of
third (3rd). So, what's so eerie about this name?


OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it in ASCII
code (American standard code for information interchange) and then ADD up all
the numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the beast!!!


B = 66

I = 73

L = 76

L = 76

G = 71

A = 65

T = 84

E = 69

S = 83

I = 1

I = 1

I = 1__ = 666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL

Coincidence? Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will
get 666 too!!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.31!!! Are you sure this is not a
coincidence? You decide....

MS-DOS 6.21 ** 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

WINDOWS 95 ** 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666

Okay now for the good part

For those of you who still have the OLD Excel 95 (not office 97), try this:

1. Open a new file.

2. Scroll down until you see row 95.

3. Click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row

4. Press tab, to move to the second column.

5. Now, move your mouse and click on help, THEN about Microsoft Excel

6. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button simultaneously.

7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE: THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS

This is really eerie, okay...it has a doom style format and you can walk all
around the hall (using your arrow keys)...and on the sides of the walls are the
names of the tortured souls....

8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN, FACE THE BLANK WALL AND THEN
TYPE IN EXCELKFA.

This will open the blank wall to reveal another secret passage, walk through the
passage and DO NOT fall off (this is the hard part!), when you get to the end,
you will see something really, really eerie.... (This is REALLY there! I haven't
been able to reach the end of this VERY narrow passage though.... - WILANT)

At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world have verified that
it is a real eye opener. It could be a joke by MS programmers or is it?

Wouldn't be surprise if Bill Gates was "The Antichrist", after all it was
already foretold in the Bible that someone powerful would rise up and lead the
world to destruction. And Bill Gates definitely has that kind of power in his
hands. More than 80% of the world's computers run on Windows and DOS (including
those at the Pentagon)! If all his products have some kind of small program
embedded (like this Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control, setting
off nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems, financial systems all
over the world, etc. All from his headquarters isn't as far off reality! Just
using Internet Explorer may allow him to map out what you have on your computer
bit by bit each time you log on. Perhaps the end times are near and this is just
the tip of the iceberg!


Quote from the Bible:

"He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to
receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or
sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his
name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number
of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666." Revelation 13:16-18.


See...it is something for you to think about if the Bible, in the Book of
Revelation, says that without the sign of the beast one would not be able to
buy, sell, do business transactions, etc. My question then to you now is
this...Is the Internet now a necessity in doing business?


The Internet also bears the sign. Note that the Internet is also commonly known
as the World Wide Web or WWW. One other way we write W is V/ (VI) so:

W W W = VI VI VI 6 6 6

This gives me something to ponder upon. Isn't everything going towards the
Internet? (i.e., buying/selling goods, business transactions) Isn't Microsoft
always on the move to have a monopoly when it comes to software technology? And
now, The Internet?


Revelations also says that the mark of the beast will be carried on one's Hand
and one's forehead. If the Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast aren't
we all starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads??? Screens (forehead) and
make use of the mouse (hand)??? Are things finally falling into place or are we
just letting our imagination run wild??? Remember, the devil came to cheat,
steal, and to destroy...so be VIGILANT about Bill Gates and Microsoft.

"To agree or to not agree with the WWW or the Beast" is not the question.

What if the WWW is the 666? Or Bill Gates the Beast? What will you do??

Cancel subscriptions to the Internet? Resign from Microsoft? Set out a campaign
against Bill Gates on the Internet? Shut down all Windows 95 forever?

It will not do you any good...think about all this and pray, pray really hard,
or else.... Never Stop Believing...



Hall of tortured souls pics!


another windows trick
send this page to a friend

>Probably no answers here but the questions are amusing.
>
>Lawrence
>
>====================================================
>1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
>2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he
>stuck with 71?
>3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
>4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
>5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he
>comes of age?
>6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
>7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
>8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-douze?
>9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
>10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to
>do with him?
>11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
>12) Is there an age of consent?
>13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they
>"born again"?
>14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
>15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it
>cheating?
>16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not
>satisfied?
>17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
>18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
>19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
>20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their
>virginity?
>21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
>22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows
>himself up?
>23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
>24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
>25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
>26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
>27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
>28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
>29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges
>didn't go off?
>30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for
>the guys?
>31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight
>girls suffice her?
>32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
>33) If so, are there 72 available?
>34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find
>more?
>35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72
>more virgins?
>36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72
>year old virgin?
>37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
>38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does
>dishes and garbage?
>39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
>40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a
>supermodel?
>41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in
>paradise?
>42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What
>happens then?
>43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police
>lineup?
>44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
>45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
>46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's
>unhappy?
>47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me
>look fat?"
>48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
>49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
>50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72
>virgins too?
>51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
>52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
>53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
>54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
>55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
>56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
>57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
>58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72
>virgins?
>59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
>60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
>61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
>62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for
>73?
>63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two
>virgins?
>64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment
>plan?
>65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
>66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the
>bomber together again?
>67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?
>68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
>69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site
>service?
>70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
>71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
>72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?
>.
>http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060915114620AAvYVAL

--- In FT-HUMOR@yahoogroups.com, "Green Gator" <gatorsden@...> wrote:
>Gator!  When I was a teenager a buddy and I had been guzzling the old Colt 45. 
He insisted on going this monster ride.  "No no!" says I.  "You can handle it
man." says he.  So I went.  I said my Hail Marys to the top,  being a good
Catholic Ohio boy.

To this day,  I can still see my barf hanging off his face.  Why didn't God save
me?
>
>
>
>
>
>     If anyone is looking for someone to go with, DON'T even think about
calling me. There isn't enough money on earth to get me to go on a ride like
that.
> Ed
>
>
>
>       NEW OHIO ROLLER COASTER
>
>
>       THEY HAVE TO BE KIDDING!
>               [Last picture says it all]
>
>
>       New Ohio Roller Coaster
>
>
>       Last picture says
>       It all...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>       Yep, enough said.
>
>
>
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wfamPW3Eaw

and in case you have trouble understanding…..

http://tomwaits.lyrics.info/chocolatejesus.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyIGvuY08Uw

http://comedians.comedycentral.com/jimmy-dore/videos/jimmy-dore---religious-when\
-it-s-convenient

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THDamlNsuuA&feature=related