Q: Why are dog catchers so wealthy?
A: They're paid by the pound.


-----

Q: How did the bowler pay for his acupuncture?
A: Pin money.

-----

Sign in a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your
clothes when the light goes out.

-----

	 Knock Knock!
		 Who's there?
	 Evan.
		 Evan who?
	 Evan you should know who it is.

-----

The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Finally it dawned on her.

-----

Sign posted on an overpass near an optometrist office: "Watch
four eyes on bridge."
(Gary Hallock)

-----

Why does Christmas always come when the stores are most crowded?

_______________________________________________________________


Two Ruminations from www.ruminate.com:

Is it a bad sign that I'm wrapping Christmas gifts and the
only colored ribbon around the house is crime scene tape?
(Jan L.)

-----

The other day, I went to a store that specializes in "Hard
to find" items. I think they took the idea too far, though
-- eventually I found their inventory on display in a dark
closet behind an old refrigerator at the back of their store.
(Paul B.)

_______________________________________________________________


Our local paper runs a popular column called, "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community. In addition
to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are
asked questions intended to give some insight into their
personalities. This was a recent series of questions and one
interviewee's answers:

"What's the strangest thing you ever bought?"

"Dog toothpaste."

"What is the most common thing people say to you?"

"'Where did you get such white teeth?'"

_______________________________________________________________


Thoughts on Genealogy from Barbara!

~ Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

~ I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.

~ Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

~ If you want to make your search for lost relatives easier,
    just win the lottery.

~ Do I even WANT ancestors?

~ Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living.

~ Every family tree has some sap in it.

~ Friends come and go, but relatives tend to accumulate.

~ Genealogists never die, they just lose their roots.

~ Genealogy: A haystack full of needles. It's the threads I
    need.

~ Heredity:  Everyone believes in it until their children act
    like damned fools.

~ I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.

~ Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all
    related.

_______________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is
science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and
a collection of facts is not necessarily science."

(Henri Poincare, 1854 - 1912)

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a race horse?
A: A hen that lays odds

-----

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a homing pigeon?
A: Voice mail

-----

Q: What does a fish without an eye look like?
A: "Fsh"

-----

Q: What season was it when Eve ate the apple?
A: Early in the fall

-----

Window: What we hope to do at a casino

-----

As a lad while attending morning Catholic services, I would often
look out the window at a small lake with adorable ducks. It was
but a wee pond of mass distraction.
(Richard Gray)

-----

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

__________________________________________________________________


If you've ever been to California, especially the Los Angeles
area, you know that there are a lot of strange companies doing
business out there. Some of the strangest are the "agencies" that
cater to celebrities. Places that will, for a fee, analyze your
best colors, surroundings, wardrobe, you name it.

A bit up the road, a winery was looking for something for their
employees to do in the off-season. Most of the employees had
highly trained noses, due to their experience in the winery and
with wines. So, the winery owners took the incentive and opened
up their own agency in Beverly Hills. For a fee, of course, you
could come in and be "sniffed" by these trained noses. Afterwards,
they would analyze your best scents for perfume, flowers and
incense,

Well, Marcel Marceau read about this in his Sunday paper, and he
decided that this was just the thing he'd been looking for. So,
he called the agency and set up an appointment for the coming
Friday at 3:00pm.

Thursday came, and by this time Marcel was really excited about
his upcoming appointment. He was at home, thinking about how he
should prepare for his "sniffing," when the phone rang.

It was his agent. Marcel had to be at an emergency benefit
performance for natural disaster victims in Australia. He had to
be on the plane to Sydney at 3:00pm on Friday.

Marcel was crestfallen. He was so much looking forward to his
appointment, and now he would have to miss it.

Suddenly, he got an idea: "I'll call them. I'll try to move the
appointment up a few hours."

So, he called the agency and pleaded with the receptionist to
please, please, let him come in a few hours early.

The receptionist, in her best Beverly Hills attitude, practically
glared him down through the phone line, saying, "Mais non, Monsieur
Marceau! We will smell no mime before it's time!"

__________________________________________________________________


I remember an old car I used to own. You know the kind, ratty and
raggedy, driven when I was a poor college student. I was having
trouble with something I couldn't readily identify myself, so I
took it into the shop.

The mechanic looked at it a couple of minutes and said, "What you
really need is the radiator cap solution."

"Oh," I said, trying not to sound too confused. "You mean the
radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"

"That's part of the problem.What you really need to do is lift
the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then you can
replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."

__________________________________________________________________


The professor was making a point about the pervasiveness of
marketing. He asked his students,"Which company has the slogan,
'come fly the friendly skies'?"

"United."

"Correct. Can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't
leave home without it?"

"American Express."

"Right. Now tell me who usess the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

"My Mom."

__________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that
never were; and I say, "Why not?"

(George Bernard Shaw, 1856 - 1950)

Thanks, Lynn!


During a recent password audit, a blonde was found to be using
the password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said, "It has to be at
least eight characters long and include at least one capital."

_______________________________________________________________________


Notes pinned to the pillow of a sick mother by her well-meaning husband:

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off
to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in
refrigerator: fruit cup, finger sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by
bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back
to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in their Thermoses?
The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm
doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in
refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap
powder in the flour canister? If you have time, could you please come up
with a likely spot to look for Chris' missing shoes? We've checked the
clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know
the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for
you on a napkin in the microwave. Will be late tonight. Driving eight
Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over the water in hallway. It crested last night at 9
P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to the
following:
       1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
       2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
       3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small
          boy's hand?
       4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when
          you open the door?
I don't know what you're having for lunch. Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from the pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink
dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be
done, the house cleaned and dinner on time. I called your mother.

____________________________________________________________________________


The game show contestant was only $200 behind the leader and about to answer
the final question, worth $500.

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name Santa's
reindeer."

"Uhhhh ... Dasher!"

"Correct."

"Dancer, Prancer and Vixen."

"Right."

"Comet, Cupid, Donner ..."

"Very good ..."

"Blitzen, Rudolph and ... Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (the little sign above their heads
said to), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused
host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain
Olive?"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing,
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw
it, you would even say it glowed. Olive, the other reindeer ..."


From "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel

____________________________________________________________________________


	 My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
	 It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.

	 It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
	 It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.

	 It destroyeth my shape.
	 Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating

	 For the food tasteth so good.
	 The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.

	 When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
	 For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.

	 As I filleth my plate continuously,
	 My clothes runneth smaller.

	 Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
	 And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

		 (Author Unknown)

____________________________________________________________________________


The teacher was giving her class a nature lesson. "Worker ants," she told
them, "carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you
conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union?"

____________________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which
ones to keep."

(Scott Adams, b. 1957)

WARNING: This isn't long enough to be a true shaggy dog story, but
it's at least a shaggy puppy.


As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had
pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor
toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet and bedspread, the whole
works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to
a nearby tractor factory and test-drive a brand new tractor. His
excitement was palpable as he told his family and friends.

The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.
Unfortunately, something went terribly wrong with the tractor when
Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's
leg and fracturing his skull.

He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for
negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there
was no liability and he could get lost.

As you can imagine, he was rather put off with tractors after this. He
vowed to get them out of his life completely and forever. All the
posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the
cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a
beautiful young woman seated at the bar on her own. Tears were
streaming down her face.

When Joe asked her what was wrong she said that the smoke was making
her eyes sting and stream with tears. Joe looked around and then took
a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into
the parking lot and blew all the smoke out again.

He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and
sat down next to the young lady.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe, "I'm an extractor fan"

________________________________________________________________________


At Christmas we always exchange presents. I exchange the one she gives
me, she exchanges the one I give her.

-----

I won't eat health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get.

-----

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

-----

The Buckingham Palace servant who has to keep the spiders at bay is
called ... The Web Page.
(Joseph Harris)

________________________________________________________________________


When missionaries first arrived at Malaysia, the natives insisted on
having two young women lead the Sunday service in their traditional
native dress. The priests, of course refused, because ... Two sarongs
do not make a rite."

(Stan Kegel)

________________________________________________________________________


A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the
tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They look
at the tomb and read the following inscription:
		 ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ
		 BORN 5694 / DIED 5733
		 A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER
The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an
unknown soldier if the grave has his name?"

"Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier - he was the best!"

(David B. Phillips)

________________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"Waste not fresh tears over old griefs."

(Euripides, 484 BC - 406 BC)

Q: How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting
for Christmas?
A: He felt his presents.
(Simon Champion)

-----

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Kringle

-----

Christmas is the time of year when mother has to separate the
men from the toys.

-----

Covenant: A pets at the witches' picnic

-----

"I charge by the stanza," Tom said perversely.

__________________________________________________________________


Lawyer to witness: "You must answer the question with either
'Yes' or 'No'."

"I can't do it. There are some questions that cannot be answered
by yes or no, as anyone knows."

"I defy you to give an example to the court."

"Are you still beating your wife?"

__________________________________________________________________


Sportswriter, interviewing a college basketball coach about a
star player: "He's great on the court, but how's his scholastic
work?"

"Why, he makes straight A's."

"Wonderful!"

"Yes, but his B's are a little crooked."

__________________________________________________________________


As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the
seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver
had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded
me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages, and a
box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to
inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll
find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the
man continued. "I hope you don't mind if we watch. We all tried,
but none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like
to see just how you do it."

__________________________________________________________________


Two nurses were helping a recovering patient out of his wheelchair
at the hospital. They noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee.

"What's that?" asked one of the nurses, unable to make out the
design of the faded skin art.

"It's a banjo. I'm from Alabama."

__________________________________________________________________


"Hello, we are calling people in your area and would like to
know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."

"I'm very busy right now. You'll have to survey your own briefs."
<click>

__________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"Always remember, others may hate you but those who hate you
don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself."

(Richard M. Nixon, 1913 - 1994)

Thanksgiving Lament
from www.TopFive.com

	 So the pilgrims have passed into legend,
	 And the tribe runs Casino Mohegan.
		 And we've downsized our bird,
		 Because meat's a bad word,
	 Now that half of the family is vegan.

_____________________________________________________________


I broke into the zoo last night. Then this morning I got ten
cans of spray paint at Home Depot. Wait until they see what
*I'm* bringing to the white elephant gift exchange!

(Ken Foster in Ruminations, www.ruminate.com)

_____________________________________________________________


A tourist on his way to Tuscaloosa came to a fork in the
road. He stopped, because there was no sign indicating which
route went where.

Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey, kid, does it
matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa ?"

The lad replied, "Not to me it don't."

_____________________________________________________________


A brunette and a blonde were out walking when it began to
drizzle. The brunette asked the blonde, "Why don't you use
your umbrella?"

"It won't help."

"Why not?"

"It's got holes in it."

"Then why did you bring it?"

"I didn't think it would rain."

_____________________________________________________________


One of my students could not take my college seminar final
exam "because of a funeral."

"No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."

That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to
another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next
week, but I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies."

Needless to say, I was suspicious. "How can you have so many
people you know pass away in three weeks?"

"Oh, I don't know any of these people. I'm the only
gravedigger in town."

_____________________________________________________________


The little boy had started to eat his dinner when his father
reminded him that they hadn't prayed.

"We don't have to," said the little boy. "Mommy is a good
cook!"

_____________________________________________________________


Two Thoughts for Today:

"Writing is the only profession where no one considers you
ridiculous if you earn no money."

(Jules Renard, 1864 - 1910)

-----

"I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying
it."

(Garrison Keillor, b. 1942)

Boxer Shorts:  Film clips of famous pugilists.

-----

Farmer: There is FARMER joy in giving than in receiving.

-----

Be like a lion: Live life with pride and grab the lion's
share with might and mane.
(Richard Lederer)

___________________________________________________________


The blonde police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail
when the officer's hat blew off. "Shall I run and get it
for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly.

"You must think I'm stupid," said the officer. "You stay
here and I'll get it."

___________________________________________________________


Man reading paper to friend: "Here's a story about a guy
who shaved his racehorse to cut wind resistance and the
horse got a terrible sunburn,"

"A pony shaved is a pony burned."

(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

___________________________________________________________


Passing a large office building late one night, a blonde
saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."


She did.

After several minutes, she heard the watchman clomping
down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock
first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system
and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring it for yourself."

___________________________________________________________


The businessman called the nearby state prison and asked
them if they could send over a safecracker to open his
jammed safe.

Soon a couple of guards showed up with a convict in tow.
the prisoner spun the dials, listened intently, and calmly
opened the safe door.

"Well," said the businessman, "what do I owe you?"

The prisoner said, "Uh, the last time I opened a safe I
got $75,000."

___________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be
thinking up something else."

(Lily Tomlin, b. 1939)

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner:
(from David Letterman's Top Ten Lists via Barbara)

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags
around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man
17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in
the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to
"back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire
department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

... and the Number One Sign You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner:

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

__________________________________________________________________________


During medieval times there lived a baker's assistant called Richard the
Pourer, whose job  it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of
sausage rolls. One day Richard was running low on one of the necessary
spices, He sent his apprentice to  the store to buy more.

Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop the young man realized that he
had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to say to
the shopkeeper "It's for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst."

__________________________________________________________________________


Two bakers lived in a small town. They were highly competitive, but both
had many customers. This changed when one baker acquired a new slicing
device that cut four loaves at once. He could serve people faster, so he
soon got all the business in the town. The other baker was forced to
close.

The second baker went to the first and asked, "How were you able to get
all the business in town? It seems that all of a sudden you ran into
a streak of luck."

"I'm not sure, but I think it may have something to do with this thing I
found. It's a four-loaf cleaver."

__________________________________________________________________________


The psychiatrist traveling on the subway observed an elderly gentleman.
The man would talk to himself and then laugh out loud. Every so often, the
man would put his hand in the air, stop talking and then start all over
again.

Puzzled, the psychiatrist went up to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I hope
you don't mind me asking, but I've been observing you. Can you tell me
what you are doing?"

"I don't want to sleep through my stop."

"Okay, but what does talking to yourself have to do with that?"

"To keep myself awake, I tell myself jokes when I'm traveling."

"Okay, that makes sense, but why do you keep raising your hand?"

"Oh, that's to stop me when I tell a joke I've heard before."

__________________________________________________________________________


Newspaper account: Doctors at Mercy Hospital have gone on strike. Hospital
officials say they will respond to the doctors' demans as soon as they can
get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.

__________________________________________________________________________


I wanted to cast the Jedi Knight in our Christmas Pageant, but he said he
would not be a shepherd. I said, "Oh, be one, Kenobe."

__________________________________________________________________________


An astronomer went on an expedition to Africa to observe a total eclipse
of the sun. Unfortunately, he was captured by cannibals the day before
the eclipse was due. He hatched a plan out of "A Connecticut Yankee in
King Arthur's Court:" he figured he'd threaten to extinguish the sun
unless he were released. But of course the timing had to be just right.

So, in the few words of the cannibals' tongue that he knew, he asked his
guard what time they planned to kill him.

The guard answered, "Tradition has it that captives are killed when the
sun reaches the highest point in the sky so that they may be cooked and
ready to be served for the evening meal."

The astronomer thought, "Great," as the guard continued, "But in your
case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

__________________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like."

(George Carlin, 1937 – 2008)

Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
A: Boy, I'm stuffed!

-----

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play.

-----

Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside.

-----

Q: Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State
Building?
A: Yes. A building can't jump at all.

-----

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May
flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.

-----

Q: What type of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock.

-----

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.

-----

Q: What key has legs and can't open doors?
A: A turkey.

-----

Q: What's the best thing to put into pumpkin pie?
A: Your teeth.

-----

Q: What did the turkey say to the farmer with an axe?
A: "Quack, quack, quack!"

-----

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: He had the drumsticks.

-----

Q: How can you make a turkey float?
A: Get 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a
turkey ...

-----

Q: What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The tur-key

-----

Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an
Indian?
A: He had an arrow escape

-----

Q: If a big turkey is called a gobbler, what do you call
a little turkey?
A: A goblet.

__________________________________________________________


The pro football team had just finished their daily
practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto
the field. As the players gazed in amazement, the turkey
walked up to the head coach and said, "I want a tryout."

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after
pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the
turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted,

"You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see
to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know
is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

__________________________________________________________


Client to lawyer: "So now you've heard my story, do you
think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"

"From what I've just heard, it's clear to me that you
will win. It's rare to have such an open-and-shut case."

"In that case, forget it. I'll just drop it."

"What's the matter?"

"I told you my partner's side of the case."

__________________________________________________________


I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew
having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower - just a second,
I'll check."

He went to the kitchen sink and turned the hot water on
full blast. An indignant yell came from above.

My nephew calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's
in the shower."

__________________________________________________________


They've invented a gravity-powered engine. It works by
converting the downward motion of a plunger into rotational
motion of the wheels into forward motion of the vehicle.

It takes 90-115 pounds to push the plunger in, so early
tests used slender young women standing atop the plunger.

The experiment never went to production because the vehicle
only got 10 miles per gal on.

(Jason Dias)

__________________________________________________________


Thanks, Wayne!

One day a young man came up to my window at the bank and
whispered, "Please deposit this hundred dollars in my
savings account." I handled the transaction and whispered
back, "Have a good day." He started to leave but changed
his mind. "I'm sorry we have to whisper," he said, "but if
my car knows I've deposited money, it'll break down again."
With his finger to his lips he tiptoed out.

-----

The president of the Fort Worth First City National Bank
was seen standing in front of the automatic teller in the
lobby one day while it performed a transaction rather slowly.
After a brief wait, he was heard to say, "Come on — it's me!"

-----

The young woman who entered our bank to cash a check looked
so hesitant that I went to help her. "Please sign the back
of the check," I told her, "as you'd sign a letter." She
looked at me gratefully, scribbled on the check and passed
it to me. Signed on the back was: "Yours affectionately,
Pamela.

-----

At the bank where I used to work, we tellers were constantly
cautioned either to know the person who wanted to cash a
cheCK or to request proper identification. One time a young
man, who minutes before could produce no ID, returned to my
window with what he considered the perfect identification:
Tucked under his arm was his high-school yearbook opened to
his class picture. I cashed his check.

-----

The bank where I work had just installed its first 24-hour
cash machine. I encouraged an elderly gentleman to take an
application for the new plastic identification cards,
explaining that he would be able to get cash any time of day
or night. He declined, saying, "Lady, anything I'd need
money for that late at night I shouldn't be doing."

-----

A friend of mine spent two weeks touring the West with a Boy
Scout troop.They were in a bank cashing checks, and one boy
was having trouble because he had lost his wallet. He still
claimed he had identification, but he didn't want to show
it. The pretty young teller insisted, so the Scout leaned
forward and whispered in her ear.

She motioned for him to come behind the counter.

My friend, who was tall enough to see over the counter, saw
the blushing boy tug out his shirt tail, fold his belt over
in back and then pull up the label on his underwear to show
his name neatly printed there.

The teller cashed his check.

-----

I went to my bank to refinance a loan on my boat. Making
small talk with the loan officer, I told her that she was
the main reason I came to that branch. Not even looking up
from her paperwork, the loan officer responded, "You don't
fool me, sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."

__________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the
parent of all others."

(Cicero, 106 BC - 43 BC)

Postings will be irregular over the next two weeks. Have a wonderful
and happy Thanksgiving!!

Conrad

______________________________________________________________________


The minister announced, "Admission to the church social will be six
dollars per person. However, for those over 65 the price will be
only $5.50."

  From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out: "Do you
really think I'd give you that information for a lousy fifty cents?"

______________________________________________________________________


		 The 12 Days Of Thanksgiving

On the First Day of Thanksgiving ...
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day of Thanksgiving ...
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce and hard
rolls.

On the Third Day of Thanksgiving ...
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day of Thanksgiving ...
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd
be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day of Thanksgiving ...
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked
turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day of Thanksgiving ...
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews
at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day of Thanksgiving ...
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day of Thanksgiving ...
The word "vegetarian" keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day of Thanksgiving ...
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout
feathers.

On the Tenth Day of Thanksgiving ...
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day of Thanksgiving ...
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in
sight.

On the Twelfth Day of Thanksgiving ...
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers.

And everybody says AMEN!
	 (Author Unknown)

______________________________________________________________________


Thanks, Barbara!


A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class

NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills
resulting from use of these recipes.

Ivette - Banana Pie:
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in
the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300
degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make
sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you
put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat.

Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10
hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.

Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15
minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then
after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in
the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat
it.

Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for
15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.

Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy
on it and eat it.

Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the
oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them
off. Then it's time to eat them.

Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for
1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad
cuts it and then eat.

Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10
hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19
degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.

Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9
minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.

Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put
brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and
then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a
pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then
you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.

Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the
oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates
and then you eat it.

Jordan S - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add
the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator
and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.

Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then
you eat it.

Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it
all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then
you eat it.

Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.

Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees.
Then you cut it up and you eat it.

Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.

Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.

Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put
dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.

Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5
degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.

Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and
bring it with you. Then you eat it.

Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35
degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.

Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with
it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape.
Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.

Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook
it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.

Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then
eat it.

Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you
eat it.

Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and
eat it.

Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan.
Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on
it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces.
Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take
out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a
little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.

Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in.
Then  put it on a plate. Then eat.

Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie
cinnamon. Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.

Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1
hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.

Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin

Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.

______________________________________________________________________


Three mothers are comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.

"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice. Every summer
she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a
week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me. Every winter
she treats me to two weeks in Miami and in the summer two weeks in the
Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?"

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist
in the city, and pays him two hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just
to talk about me!"

______________________________________________________________________


Turkey's Lament...

	 When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
	 My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
	 Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
	 And he told me there was something that I had to know;

	 His look and his tone I will always remember,
	 When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November;
	 "Come about August, now listen to me,
	 Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
	 And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

	 "And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
	 In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
	 "Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink,
	 And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,

	 "And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
	 "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
	 Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
	 I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

	 And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
	 I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;
	 I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
	 High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

	 And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
	 I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,
	 I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
	 And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

	 But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
	 As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
	 And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
	 I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

	 So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
	 I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap,
	 She held me today, while sewing and humming,
	 And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."

______________________________________________________________________


A ghost went out haunting one night and met a fairy flittering
through the forest. "Hello," said the ghost. "I've never met a
fairy before. What's your name?"

"Nuff," said the fairy.

"That's a very odd name," said the ghost.

"No it's not," said the fairy, sounding mildly offended, "I'm famous!"

"Wha'?" asked the ghost. "I've never heard of you and you're FAMOUS?

"Yep! Haven't you heard of 'Fairy Nuff?'"

______________________________________________________________________


Thoughts for Today:


"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to
find easier ways to do something."

(Robert Heinlein, 1907 - 1988)

-----

"I would be the most content if my children grew up to be the kind of
people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough
bookshelves."

(Anna Quindlen, b. 1953)

-----

"Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness
that we deserve them."

(Aristotle, 384 BC - 322 BC)

Thanks, Joe K. and Lynn!

The Senior Citizen's Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;

B's  the bad back,

C's  the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H high blood pressure, I'd rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to it?

M is for memory, I forget every bit.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, bones that don't grow.

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears.

U is for urinary; troubles with flow;

V for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W  for worry, *NOW* what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have ... in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
I keep twenty-six doctors fully employed!

_______________________________________________________


Ozark-to-English Dictionary

The Ozark manner of speech dates back to more relaxed
times when people just said what they had to and didn't
worry about "proper grammar" or "proper pronunciation."

Ozark Speak - English Translation - Proper Ozark Usage

Afeared - Afraid - He's afeared of his own shadow.

A-Fixin - Getting Ready - We're a-fixin to go to
town.

Aim - Intend or Plan - I aim to go to town soon.

Biggety - Stuck up or Show off - Well aint she
biggety lately!

Chimbley - Chimney - Santa Claus comes down the
chimbley.

Clum - Climbed - I Clum that tree over yonder.

Crick - Creek - I'm goin to the crick to go swimmin.

Dawg - Dog - That shore is a dumb dawg

Doins - A function or gathering - Are you goin to the
doins tonight?

Dreckly - Soon - I'll be there directly

Et - Eaten - Have you et yet?

Fetch - Bring or Go Get- I want you to fetch the eggs
fer me.

Fer - For - Lets rest here fer a spell.

Frog Strangler - A Hard Rain - That shore was a frog
strangler.

Gander - To look - Take a gander at that there bird!

Git - Get - Go git some milk from that cow.

Gully warsher - See Frog Strangler - That shore was a
gully warsher.

Haint - Ain't - I haint going to the store for
Roastners today.

Hankerin - Craving - I have a hankerin for Roastners.

Hep - Help - Hep me warsh this dawg!

Hisn - His - That dog is hisn

Holler - A Valley - My family lives down in the Holler.

Kivver - Covered - That tree is kivvered with leaves.

Liketa - Nearly - I liketa broke my neck when I tripped

Mighty - Definitely - She shore is mighty mean today.

Naw - No - Naw, I aint a-fixen to go to the doins.

Neckid - Unclothed - Get Neckid and throw them clothes
in the warsh tub.

Onest - Once - Child, I don't aim to tell you more
than onest!

Parts - Area or Neighborhood - What parts do ya'll come
from?

Peakid - Pale or sick looking - You look mighty peakid
today.

Pilluh - Pillow  - That shore is a fluffy Pilluh

Pizen - Poison - There's pizen snakes in these parts.

Plumb - very (nothing to do with pipes) - I shore am
plumb wore out.

Poke - Paper Bag - I'm a-fixin to put the eggs in a
poke.

Pritnear - Almost - I'm pritnear done with my mendin'.

Put Out - Angry, Annoyed - He shore was put out today.

Roastners - Corn on the Cob - Them roastners shore are
good.

Set - Sit - Ya'll set and rest fer a spell

Shed of - Get rid of - I shore want to be shed of this
cold.

Shore - Sure - I Shore like those flowers.

Skeered - Afraid - He is skeered of his own shadow.

Smart - To hurt - That leg shore smarts.

Spell - A period of time - I went to church fer a spell
today.

Tarlet - Toilet - Youngun, stop dancin and use the
Tarlet!

Wallerin - Whining or Crying - Sit still and quit yer
wallerin

Warsh - Wash - Warsh yer hands 'n face befer dinner.

Winder - Window - The pie is coolin on the winder
sill.

Ya'll - You All - Ya'll set with us fer a spell.

Yeller - A color between orange and green. - Look at
that Yellar dog over yonder.

Yonder - Over there - Billy Bob went yonder to fetch
hisn dawg

You'ns - You or all - You'ns better aim to come for
vittles

Yourn - Yours - This aint mine, is it yourn?

Younguns - Children - You younguns better git to bed
now.

_______________________________________________________


The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd
studied all year -- fractions, percentages and portions
of whole units. But maybe I could have made things a
little clearer. To the question "What portion of a foot
is six inches?" one student answered, "The toes?"

_______________________________________________________


As a concerned citizen visiting in Washington DC, I'd
just finished up a meeting with my Congressman when I
stopped to use the public restroom. After washing my
hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed
that someone had taped a note to the machine. The note
said, "Push button for message from Congress."

(Marsha Coleman)

_______________________________________________________


A blonde gets carried away at a pet shop and ends up
buying a hundred goldfish. When she gets home she finds
that there are so many of them that the only place she
can keep them is in her bathtub.

One day she invites her friend over to see all her
beautiful goldfish. The friend is impressed and remarks,
"They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you
want to take a bath?"

"I blindfold them."

_______________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"Many people think that if they were only in some other
place, or had some other job, they would be happy.
Well, that is doubtful. So get as much happiness out of
what you are doing as you can and don't put off being
happy until some future date.

(Dale Carnegie, 1888 - 1955)

Thanks, Lynn!

It's time to take your Dementia test. Exercising the brain is
as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older,
it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it,
you lose it! This is a very private way to gauge your
intelligence. Take the test to determine if you're losing it
or not. Don't look ahead until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin..

1. What do you put in a toaster?







Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread,
go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows
drink?







Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt
the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even
overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate
literature such as Auto World. If you said water, proceed
to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house
is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink
bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is
a green house made from?







Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said green
bricks, why are you still reading these? If you said glass,
go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000
feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time
was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.
During the flight, one engine fails. The pilot, realizing
that the other engine is also failing, decides on a crash
landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he
can do that and the plane fatally crashes smack in the
middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West
Germany. Where would you bury the survivors, East Germany,
West Germany, or no man's land?







Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,
you're a dunce and you must stop. If you answered correctly,
proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator: You are driving a bus from
London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get
on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9
people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In
Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen,
6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford
Haven. Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus
driver?







Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!  Don't you remember your
own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!

_____________________________________________________________


These people who build roads must be psychic. How else would
they know where I wanted to live, work and shop?

(Walter Means in Ruminations)

_____________________________________________________________


Talking Turkey

Q: What does a turkey say?
"Gobble, gobble, gobble?"

         Not always!

Q: What does a jewelry-lovin' turkey say?
A: "Bauble bauble bauble"

Q: What does a space turkey make?
A: "Hubble, hubble, hubble"

Q: What does a dyslexic turkey say?
A: "Boggle, Boggle, Boggle"

Q: What does a turkey in the shoe repair shop say?
A: "Cobble, cobble, cobble"

Q: What does a turkey who was an old-time movie fan say?
A: "Gable, Gable, Gable"

Q: What does a turkey with a sore throat say?
A: "Gargle, Gargle, Gargle"

Q: What does a turkey with a sore leg say?
A: "Hobble, hobble, hobble."

Q: What does a Cockney turkey with a sore leg say?
A: "'Obble, 'Obble, 'Obble"

Q: What does a football turkey say?
A: "Huddle, huddle, huddle"

Q: What does a dieting turkey:
A: "Nibble, nibble, nibble."

Q: What does a turkey who argues a lot:
A: "Squabble, squabble, squabble."

Q: What does Dr. Seuss's turkey say?
A: "Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble gobble."

Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went...
"Wobble, Wobble, Wobble."

_____________________________________________________________


A steam locomotive is passing through Poland one night when
the fireman says to the engineer, "We're starting to run low
on coal."

"We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out
to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the
depot sign?"

"It appears to be ... Danzig in the dark."

And the engineer directs, "Buy coal, Porter!"

_____________________________________________________________


The old West was full of cowboys who were good
cow-ordinators. They had consider-a-bull talent, though
sometimes they would stirrup trouble. Sometimes they took
hay to bed in order to feed their night mares. One cowboy
reached for his gun and drew a blank. Eventually they would
go off to a rodeo to try and get a few bucks.

(Mike Bull)

_____________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"If you would persuade, you must appeal to interest rather
than intellect."

(Benjamin Franklin, 1706 - 1790)

The ancient Japanese leader who lost both legs in an accident
became a sawed-off Shogun.
(Mike Bull's Pun of the Day)

-----

The big problem I have with Monday mornings is they tend to
ruin what had been a heretofore promising week.
(Brad Simanek in Ruminations)

-----

Why is it that just as I'm about to finally settle in and
take my latest New Year's weight loss resolution seriously,
Halloween and Thanksgiving have to come along and ruin my mojo?
(Brad Simanek in Ruminations)

-----

I recently got into a fight with a palm reader, and let me tell
you, there is nothing worse than seering pain.
(Ben Snitkoff in Ruminations)

-----

Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: They use fowl language.

-----

Q: Why did the band leader save the drumsticks from 38 turkeys?
A: He wanted seventy-six tom bones.

-----

Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most
famous for?
A: Their age

-----

Q: What does the bicycle dealer do with his bikes?
A: He peddles them.

-----

Q: What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire?
A: A blood test.

-----

Q: What is served but never eaten?
A: A tennis ball

-----

Invent:  Where the burglar got stick while breaking in through
the air conditioner
(Ken Pinkham)

-----

Aloha: If you can't get a upper berth on a Hawaiian train, you
can always get ALOHA.

-----

The sprinters' shorts were too small for them. It was a tight
race.

-----

Would adolescent Mongolian children be called Gobi Tweens?
(Gary Hallock)

__________________________________________________________________


Thanks, Barbara!

Kitchen Wizard

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would
be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his
wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was
managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the
kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen
floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than
his wife when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the
chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking
the beaters out of the bowl. I had to do all the rest."

__________________________________________________________________


Two older women who haven't seen each other in some time: "How are
you, dear, and how is your husband?"

"I'm fine, but Ted died last week."

"Oh no! What happened?"

"He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a
heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of
the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry. What did you do?"

"I opened a can of peas instead."

__________________________________________________________________


Thanks, Lynn!

(Cliff Clavin's Theory of Intelligence from "Cheers")

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and, when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first.

"This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast
as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of
alcohol kills brain cells.

"But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine.

"And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."

__________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"You have attributed conditions to villainy that simply result
from stupidity."

(Robert A. Heinlein, 1907 – 1988)

A Thanksgiving Accident

         The turkey shot out of the oven
         and rocketed into the air;
         It knocked every plate off the table
         and partly demolished a chair.

         It ricocheted into a corner
         and burst with a deafening boom;
         Then splattered all over the kitchen
         completely obscuring the room.

         It stuck to the walls and the windows,
         it totally coated the floor;
         There was turkey attached to the ceiling
         where there'd never been turkey before.

         It blanketed every appliance,
         it smeared every saucer and bowl;
         There wasn't a way I could stop it -
         that turkey was out of control!

         I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
         and thought with chagrin as I mopped
         That I'd never again stuff a turkey
         with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

                 (Author Unknown)

________________________________________________________


         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Gladys. Gladys who?
         Gladys Thanksgiving! Aren't you?

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Harry. Harry who?
         Harry up! I'm starved!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Dewey. Dewey who?
         Dewey have to wait long to eat?

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Luke. Luke who?
         Luke at all the food!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Odette. Odette who?
         Odette's a big turkey!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Phillip. Phillip who?
         Phillip a big plate and dig in!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Emma. Emma who?
         Emma real pig when it comes to eating turkey!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Esther. Esther who?
         Esther any more gravy?

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Olive. Olive who?
         Olive the stuffing too!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Aaron. Aaron who?
         Aaron you having more cranberry sauce?

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Don. Don who?
         Don eat all the stuffing, I want some more!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Arthur, Arthur who?
         Arthur any more sweet potatoes?

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Alma. Alma who?
         Alma dinner's gone. May I have dessert?

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Wanda. Wanda who?
         Wanda piece of pumpkin pie?

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Norma Lee. Norma Lee who?
         Norma Lee I don't eat this much!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         General Lee. General Lee who?
         General Lee I don't either!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Aida. Aida who?
         Aida lot more than I should have!

         Knock Knock. Who's there?
         Tamara. Tamara who?
         Tamara, we'll have turkey leftovers!

         Knock, Knock. - Who's there?
         Waddle. - Waddle who?
         Waddle I do if you don't open the door?

________________________________________________________


         An egotistical actor named Sam
         Once collapsed on the stage with a slam.
                 He lay prone like a rock
                 Till an audience doc
         Jumped up for the chance to cure a ham.

(Kirk Miller)

________________________________________________________


After I became a widow I began thinking about my own
mortality. One day my daughter called home from college
and I announced to her, "I think it's time for us to
talk about where I would like to be buried."

"It's way too soon to even think of anything like
that," she snapped indignantly.

Then there was a brief silence.

"Wait a minute," she said, "did you say married or
buried?"

"I said buried."

"Oh, okay, sure."

________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"We require from buildings, as from men, two kinds of
goodness: first, the doing their practical duty well:
then that they be graceful and pleasing in doing it;
which last is itself another form of duty.

(John Ruskin, 1819 - 1900)

Thanks, Lynn!


My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'.
And, when I try to think it through
I haven't got a prayer.

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain:
A zero is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee ...
The person it is safest from
Is generally me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

___________________________________________________________


Thanks, Wayne!

Dear Pastor ...

Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely,
Arnold, Age 8

-----

Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a
good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely,
Pete, Age 9

-----

Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a
sermon about something.
Robert, Age 11

-----

Dear Pastor,
I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my
father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you
have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love,
Patty, Age 10

-----

Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my
brother won't be there.
Stephen, Age 8

-----

Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your church if
you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen, Age 9

-----

Dear Pastor,
Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to
California tomorrow.
Laurie, Age 10

-----

Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need
God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander, Age 10

-----

Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But
I don't think I want to because we have enough rules
already in my house.
Joshua, Age 10

-----

Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one
in my class.
Carla, Age 10

-----

Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was
finished.
Ralph, Age 11

-----

Dear Pastor,
How does God know the good people from the bad people?
Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the
newspapers?
Sincerely,
Marie, Age 9

___________________________________________________________


Q: What does a slice of toast wear to bed?
A: Jammies.

-----

A credit bureau is a house of ill report.

-----

A bribe is when the giver says "Thanks" and the recipient
says "Don't mention it."

___________________________________________________________


As a lad while attending morning Catholic services, I would
often look out the window at a small pond with adorable
ducks. It was but a wee pond of mass distraction.

(Richard Gray)

___________________________________________________________


When the power mower was broken I kept reminding my
husband that he ought to get it fixed. Somehow the message
never sank in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When
he arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he came
out again, he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish
cutting the grass you might as well sweep the
sidewalks too."

The doctors say his injuries are probably not life-
threatening, but it will be some time before the cast
comes off.

___________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"Painting is just another way of keeping a diary."

(Pablo Picasso, 1881 - 1973)

The  economy is so bad ... I got a pre-declined credit card
in the mail.

-----

The economy is so bad ... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and
the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with
that?"

-----

A cheerleader's favorite drink is root beer.

-----

Window: What you hope to do at a casino

-----

Arson: We are proud of ARSON and our daughter

-----

Q: What's the best place to be during an earthquake?
A: A stationery store.


___________________________________________________________________


The great Romantic poet Percy Shelley was despondent. After banging
out poems, odes and dramas with ease, he had suddenly run up
against that which all poets fear more than editorial rejection:
writer's block. No matter how hard he tried, nothing came. Page
after page of gibberish went into the basket.

Pacing the streets of Oxford one morning, he encountered his friend
and fellow poet John Keats. Keats was in fine spirits but soon
became solicitous when he heard of Shelley's plight.

"The very thing happened to me last year," said Keats. "Upon the
advice of a friend, I visited a small religious retreat, Mount St.
Michaela, off the coast of Cornwall. It is run by an order of nuns,
and there is nothing to do but listen to the surf and the gulls. In
no time at all I was afire to put pen to paper."

"Then I shall do it," vowed Shelley, and he hurried off to make
arrangements.

Three days later, after a long, dusty, and tiring coach ride, he
arrived in the small coastal village across from the nunnery, and
there he hired a skiff to take him over to the island three miles
distant. A wind was coming up and the sun was setting as the
fisherman methodically pulled the oars, drawing the boat ever
nearer. The waves grew angrier, but finally the boat scraped
alongside a rock and Shelley jumped ashore.

Scrambling up the stone steps, he made his way to the front door of
the convent and pounded on the heavy wood. Soon a small window
opened and a young woman peered out.

"I'm Percy Shelley, and I've come to stay here a while. Please let
me in."

"I'm only a novitiate," a small voice answered. "Mother Superior
has retired for the night, and only if I have her signature can I
allow you admittance."

"But a storm is coming up, and the boat has gone back to the
village," pleaded the poet. "Surely you can authorize it
yourself."

"I'm very sorry," answered the young sister. "You have to ... wait
till the nun signs, Shelley."


  from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel

___________________________________________________________________


Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as
the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie
tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away. Ever
gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read:
"Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that
doesn't last very long in our house."

___________________________________________________________________


Retired husband to wife: "What will you do if I die before you do?"

"Hmmm ... I'll probably look for a house-sharing arrangement. Maybe
two or three single or widowed women ... maybe a little younger
than me, since I'm fairly active for my age. What would you do if I
die first?"

"Probably the same thing."

___________________________________________________________________


Thanks, Barbara!

Night after night, my wife wakes me from a sound sleep saying,
"Wake up! Someone is breaking into the house!!"

This same scenario has played out almost every night of our
marriage, and I know that the only way to get any rest is to get up
and go check it out.

Last night, however, I found that there really was a man who had
entered to rob the house!

As the thief was about to flee I said, "Stop! You have to come with
me and meet my wife."

The thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want *ME*
to meet your wife?"

"She's been expecting you for twenty years."

___________________________________________________________________


A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a
farmer working in his field. The preacher asked the man, "Are you
laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the
farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand ... Are you a Christian?"

With the same lack of interest the farmer said, "Nope. The name's
Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives 'bout a mile
south of here."

The determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you
lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life."

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?"

This caught the farmer's attention. He looked up and asked, "When's
it gonna be?"

"It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!"

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the
farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get
out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

___________________________________________________________________


A worker was killed at a construction site under suspicious
circumstances. The police began questioning a number of the other
workers at the site. Based on their past encounters with the law,
several of these workers were considered suspects.

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never
charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He once tried to frame another
man.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still
claims that he didn't do anything, that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The furnace contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once
but duct the charges.

The mason gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

(By Gary Hal1ock)

___________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"I will follow the right side even to the fire, but excluding the
fire if I can."
(Michel de Montaigne, 1533 - 1592)

Many thanks to list member y3k for uncovering the truth ... Conrad


Naval Friday 13th myth unfounded

Historians have dispelled a rumour that the Royal Navy once launched a ship
called HMS Friday to encourage sailors to set sail on that day.

"But we can confirm that there has never been a Royal Navy ship named HMS
Friday - or after any other day of the week for that matter."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/hampshire/6896203.stm

I can't do a regular posting today, but in honor of the date I present
this. It isn't a joke, and in fact it may actually be true. It's from
urbanlegends.about.com.

Have a great weekend (assuming you survive Friday the 13th)!!

Conrad

_____________________________________________________________________________


One hundred years ago, the British government sought to quell once and for
all the widespread superstition among seamen that setting sail on Fridays
was unlucky. A special ship was commissioned, named "H.M.S. Friday." They
laid her keel on a Friday, launched her on a Friday, selected her crew on
a Friday and hired a man named Jim Friday to be her captain. To top it off,
H.M.S. Friday embarked on her maiden voyage on a Friday. It was never seen
or heard from again.

Thanks, Barbara!

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and
fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.

They eat so much game, in fact, that one evening as I set a
platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-
year-old daughter looked up wistfully and said, "Boy, it sure
would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

_________________________________________________________________


"Tommy, spell 'before'.

"Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

"No, that's incorrect. Jimmy, can you spell 'before'?"

"Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

"No, that's wrong too. "Little Johnny, please spell 'before'."

"Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Little Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

"That's easy. 'Two plus two BEFORE.'"

_________________________________________________________________


	 Knock Knock!
		 Who's there?
	 Amanda
		 Amanda who?
	 Amanda fix the refrigerator is here.

_________________________________________________________________


	 If you've spent retirement days
	 Relaxing, you must mend your ways.
		 Old age is seductive
		 But should be productive.
	 Don't yield to the thrill of the chaise


(Gary Hallock)

_________________________________________________________________


Two guys applying for jobs at a large company had to take an
intelligence test. After the test they met in a bar and
compared notes.

"What did you say for the question that said to name a 14-letter
word for someone in charge of a plant."

"I thought it was tough at first, but then I thought of
'Superintendent'."

"Hmmm ... I wonder who's right. I wrote down 'Horticulturist'."

_________________________________________________________________


A banker was arrested recently for embezzling $100,000 to pay
for his daughter's college education. As the policeman was
leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "My
daugter's in college too. I have one question for you: where
were you going to get the rest of the money?"

_________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky"

(David Gerrold, b. 1944, writing as Solomon Short)

A honeymoon couple is staying in the Watergate Hotel in
downtown Washington. The bride is a little concerned.
"What if this place is still bugged?"

"Oh, honey, that was years ago."

"Still, I'd feel better if you checked."

The groom looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures,
under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!! Look here!"

Under the rug is a strange-looking disc with four screws.
He gets out his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws and
throws them and the disc out the window.

"There! That should take care of your worrying, darling!"

The next morning at check out, the clerk summons the hotel
manager. The manager asks the newlyweds, "Mr. and Mrs.
Jones, did anything, uh ... unusual happen in your room
last night?"

"Why are you asking?"

"Well, the people staying in the room below yours
complained that the chandelier fell on them."

______________________________________________________________


Thanks, Barbara!


"Doctor, Doctor! You've gotta help me! I just can't stop my
hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"

"Not really - I spill most of it."

______________________________________________________________


Passing school zone

Take it slow

Let our little

Shavers grow

Burma Shave

(for those who are too young to know what this is all about,
  see www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burma-Shave)

______________________________________________________________


I took the afternoon off from my job at the funeral home to
visit my daughter in preschool. I heard one of other kids ask
my daughter, "What does your mom do for a living?" My
daughter replied, "She sells underground furniture."

______________________________________________________________


Instruction found in a "getting started" guide to setting up
a new computer: "TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE
BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING."

This would be entirely sensible ... except the instruction
was INSIDE the box.

______________________________________________________________


Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes
himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops
it off with some chicken and cashews. He does all this, of
course, with the consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi
Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks
in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and
eventually himself.

Obi-Wan sneers and says ... "Use the forks, Luke."

______________________________________________________________


When I stuck my arm through a neighbor's window I said to
him, "I feel your pane."

______________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"But the freedom that they fought for, and the country grand
they wrought for, is their monument to-day, and for aye."

(Thomas Dunn English, 1819 – 1902)

Due to business commitments, I'll be posting to the
list irregularly for the rest of this week.

Conrad

________________________________________________________


Book Titles and Authors
(from BWJokes.com)

"Animal Illnesses" by Ann Thrax

"Fallen Underwear" by Lucy Lastic

"Downpour!" by Wayne Dwops

"Cloning" by Ima Dubble

"Irish Flooring" by Lynn O'Leum

"Inflammation, Please" by Arthur Itis

"Handel's Messiah" by Ollie Luyah

"Avoiding High Construction Costs" by Bill Jerome Home

"The Pain of Unemployment" by Anita Job

"What Lonely Girls Should Do" by Seymore Fellows

"The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Britches

"Lewis Carroll" by Alison Wonderland

"Leo Tolstoy" by Warren Peace

"Neither a Borrower" by Nora Lenderbe

"Tight Situation" by Leah Tard

"The Scent of a Man" by Jim Nasium

"Car Trouble" by M. T. Tank

"Look Younger" by Fay Slift

________________________________________________________


A wealthy investor walks into a bank and says to the
manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones,
who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of
yours."

"Yes he certainly was trusted. And as soon as we catch
him he will be tried."

________________________________________________________


Thanks, Barbara!

The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house
minutes earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip.
As I eased my own van load of Scouts out of my garage, I
noticed a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I
stopped to retrieve them.

An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was
parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my
assistant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife
just called on my cell phone. She asked if you knew
anything about the plumber's boots that he left on your
back steps."

________________________________________________________


Thanks again, Barbara!


Bluenecks: Northerners (Opposite of Rednecks)

You just might be a Blueneck if ...

... instead of referring to two or more people as
"Y'all," you call them "you guys". Even if both of them
are women.

... you think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook
outside."

... you think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY SPICY.

... you would never stop to buy something somebody was
cooking on the side of the road.

... you don't have any problems pronouncing
"Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

... you don't know what a moon pie is.

... you've never had an RC Cola.

... you've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, OR
pickled.

... you eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

... you've never seen a chicken that isn't sitting on
styrofoam wrapped in clear plastic, and the only cows
you've seen are on road trips.

... you have no idea what a polecat is.

... you don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater
on your dog.

... you don't have bangs.

... you would rather have your son become a lawyer than
grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

... you've never eaten and don't know how to make a
tomato sandwich.

... you think more money should go to important scientific
research at your university than to pay the salary of the
head football coach.

... you don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around
the house.

... you don't have any hats in your closet that advertise
feed stores.

... you don't know anyone with at least two first names
(e.g., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean,
Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

... you don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie,
Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)

... none of your fur coats are homemade.

________________________________________________________


If someone is able to predict what sort of pastries are
in the bakery box, would he be considered an eclairvoyant?

(Gary Hallock)

________________________________________________________


   From Lorraine A Bellis via Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Dear Grandson,

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a
few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly,
I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five
gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along,
and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and
attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest
of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long,
so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to
bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh yes, I'm also flirting
with Al Zymer.

Love,

Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my
age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh
I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor,
upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask
myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"I love you the more that I believe you have liked me
for my own sake and for nothing else."

(John Keats, 1795 - 1821)

(this is from Dan Heinrichs via Stan Kegel's Puns of the day)

		 Flu Square Dance

	 Choose your partners, one and all,
	 Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!

	 Now fling those covers with all you've got,
	 One minute cold, the next minute hot,

	 Circle right to the side of the bed,
	 Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

	 Back to the middle and don't goof off;
	 Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough

	 Forget about slippers, dash down the hall,
	 Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

	 Remember others on the brink;
	 Wash your hands; wash the sink.

	 Wipe the doorknob, light switch too,
	 By George, you've got the it, you're doin' the Flu!

	 Some like it cold, some like it hot;
	 If you like neither, get the shot.

________________________________________________________________


Interviewer to blonde candidate: "If you could have a
conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

"The living one."

________________________________________________________________


A guy calls the anesthesiologist's office. "I just got my
hospital bill and your charge was $900. That's more than what
the surgeon charged me for the operation! Is this a of mistake?"

"No, not at all."

"That's an awful lot of money for just knocking someone out."

"I knock you out for free. The $900 is for bringing you back
around."

________________________________________________________________


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local mall and
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever
pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I
walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and
saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and asked,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"

________________________________________________________________


Sister Mary tried and tried, but could never please Mother
Superior. One day she decided to chop some wood and build a
fire to heat the convent, thinking that might impress. She
spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. As a
result she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

That night, as the other nuns came in they were delighted to
find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in
the fireplace. Mother Superior came in. Sister Mary was
prepared for the usual criticism, but instead she was commended.
"You did a good job. This place is nice and toasty. Thank you."

Sister Mary was speechless. All she could do was hold up her
arms with the torn sleeves and say, "But look what happened!"

"You did this chopping wood?"

"Yes. What do I do?"

"When you ax, then you shall re-sleeve."

________________________________________________________________


Thanks, Wayne!

"Failing with Style"


Some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless --
and inventive -- students.

Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.
Answer: Early death

Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer: Fire

Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man only five
hundred."

(Meredith Wilson, 1902 – 1984)

(I had this all set to go yesterday -- aka "on time" -- and never got
  to hitting SEND. My apologies ... Conrad)



Q: What's the best kind of paper for making kites?
A: Flypaper.

-----

The blonde filled her water bed with beer so she'd have a foam
mattress.

-----

The thief went to the goose farm to take a gander.

-----

The blonde was waiting on the street corner with a piece of bread.
She'd heard there was a traffic jam.

-----

At the post office, workers are always pushing the envelope.

-----

"There are so many resolutions I could make, I don't know where to
begin," Tom said listlessly.

-----

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.


___________________________________________________________________


"I'm taking my new girlfriend to dinner tonight. I want it to be
someplace special, where she can feel comfortable and fit in. She
only has one leg."

"That's nice. Where are you taking her?"

"IHOP."

___________________________________________________________________


My birthday gifts were very nice. I received a beautiful writing
set with paper, envelopes, and stamps. One of the guests wanted me
to pass it around but I said, "If I move it it won't be
stationery."

___________________________________________________________________


Father to teenage daughter: "What time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad."

"Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about leaving my paper
under the front tire of the car."

___________________________________________________________________


I was about to leave the laundry where I work when my boss asked
me if I would mind dropping off some laundry on my way home. "It's
for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and
can't get out much any more."

I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the
door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I
said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white
bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she
shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

___________________________________________________________________


(This is a classic. I may have sent it before, but it's my
favorite talking dog joke. Apologies if it's a repeat)


A guy walks into a talent scout's office. "You've gotta see this!
It's the best act EVER! I've got a DOG who can TALK!!!!!"

"Ahhh, talking dog acts are a dime a dozen. Get out."

"No, really. This is a GOOD talking dog act. You'll miss something
BIG if you don't give it a shot."

"Okay ... but it better be good."

So the guy gets the dog, sits him down and asks, "What covers a
house?"

The dog answers, "Rrrrrooooooofffff!"

"What's the texture of sandpaper?"

"Rrrrruuuuuuufffff!"

"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Rrrrruuuuuuuth!"

With that the talent scout has heard enough. He picks them both
up and throws them out onto the street. They pick themselves up
and as they're dusting themselves off the dog says to the guy,
"Dimaggio?"

___________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless
there are three other people."

(Orson Welles, 1915 – 1985)

Q: How much do pirates pay for corn?
A: A buck-an-ear.

-----

WARNING: Cloning inhabitants of Middle Earth may be Hobbit
forming
(Stan Kegel)

-----

Q: What do you get from watching too many Mickey Mouse
cartoons?
A: Disney Spells

-----

Q: Why did the blonde cut off her finger?
A: She wanted to write shorthand.

-----

Q: Why did the blonde strap chickens to her body before
going outside on a cold day?
A: Everybody knows you stay warmer if your dress in layers.

-----

When I was in Bangkok I attended a baseball game. I left after
the 11th inning. It was still a Thai game.

_______________________________________________________________


	 There once was a student named Besser
	 Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
		 It at last grew so small
		 He knew nothing at all
	 And today he's a college professor!

(Bennett Cerf)

_______________________________________________________________


A customer called the airline's reservation office and ordered
a ticket. The clerk asked, "How would you like to pay for
that?"

"By credit card."

"Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card,
sir?"

"Uhhh ... V, I, S, A."
_______________________________________________________________


Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could
have a hunting bow when he turned 12. On his birthday Gordon
unwrapped his gift box revealing the long-sought-after bow.

Yet Gordon was still disappointed. "But dad, where are the
arrows?"

"I beg your pardon, I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

(Gary Hallock)

_______________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several
times the same good things for the first time."

(Friedrich Nietzsche, 1844 - 1900)

Thanks, Christine!

Teacher to student: "If I gave you two rabbits, and
another two rabbits and another two, how many would you
have?"

"Seven"

"Now, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits, and
another two rabbits and another two, how many would you
have?"

"Seven."

"Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two
apples, and another two apples and another two, how many
would you have?"

"Six."

"Good. Now if I gave you two rabbits, and another two
rabbits and another two, how many would you have?"

"Seven."

"Where do you get seven from?"

"Because I have one rabbit at home."

___________________________________________________________


"If I called the wrong number, why did you answer the
phone?"

(James Thurber)

___________________________________________________________


The zookeeper in charge of the sea mammals was trying to
train an otter to walk backwards. He was not having any
success. He asked a coworker to see if she could do better.
Lo and behold, the otter was soon walking backwards.

The zookeeper asked the coworker, "How did you do that?"

"Simple. You just put one foot in front of the otter."

___________________________________________________________


And since we're talking about sea mammals, this classic:

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small
son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged
for and spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the
kitchen counter.

Naturally, his mom asked, "What are you doing?"

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm
looking for the seal."

___________________________________________________________


"It looks like we're out of thyme," said Herb gingerly.

(Gill Krebs)

___________________________________________________________


If it ain't broke, ... it's never been shopping with my
girlfriend.

___________________________________________________________


I have a common English phrase. I feed this phrase into a
computer translation program. This translates it into a
foreign language then back into English again.

Unfortunately, because computers do not understand idiom
and sarcasm, the phrase has been changed. It now reads:

"BLIND, INSANITY."

What was the original phrase?


"Out of sight, out of mind."

(Lorraine Bellis)

___________________________________________________________


"Waiter, the tablecloth is all wet. My soup bowl must be
cracked."

"You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes ..."

"Maybe it has a leek in it."

___________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play
than in a year of conversation."

(Plato, 427 BC - 347 BC)

Bumper sticker:
    Honk if you love Jesus
    Text while driving if you'd like to meet Him
(Thanks, Lynn)

-----

Q: What do the police do with criminal chickens?
A: Grill them, of course.

-----

Q: What did the firefly say to the other firefly?
A: "You glow, girl!"

-----

Accord: A combination of three musical tones.

-----

Clothesline: "When I came home late again, I found my CLOTHESLINE
on the porch."

------

Sign in an appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing
machine do the dirty work."

-----

Sign in an appliance repair store: "We will oil your sewing
machine and adjust tension in your home"

-----

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor
says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

-----

I used to be a drill press operator, but it was a boring job.

-----

Q: What's gray and sings?
A: Elephant Gerald

_____________________________________________________________________


	 Knock Knock!
		 Who’s there?
	 Alex.
		 Alex Who?
	 Alex plain later, just let me in.

_____________________________________________________________________


I'm in a bad spot. I've got a bad inner ear problem that needs
surgery soon or I'll lose hearing on one side. I have no insurance
and the cost is WAY too much for me.

Just recently an elderly widow offered to pay for the operation, but
there's a catch: I have to marry her afterwards, and she's fifty years
older than me!

I guess you could call this a wife or deaf situation.

_____________________________________________________________________


In ancient times there was a band of maurading barbarians who were
very organized. Each got a share of the plunder. To sustain
themselves in the lean times between raids, they worked out a system
where each barbarian could take an advance from the treasury,
essentially borrowing against their share of future pillage.

There was a catch, however: they had to pay back the advances with
something of greater value. As a result, some of the barbarians
remained permanently in a state of debt.

These barbarians were known as the "Visagoths."

(Harry Farkas)

_____________________________________________________________________


Two Thoughts for Today:

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

(Jack Handey, b. 1949)

-----


"Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold
it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it."

(Will Rogers, 1879 - 1935)

Thanks, Barbara!

(I know, this is a little late for the season. My fault,
not Barbara's)

Top Ten Ways You Know You're Too Old to Trick or Treat:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.  You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.

8.  You ask for high fiber candy only.

7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, You lose
your balance and fall over.

6.  People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're
not wearing a mask.

5.  When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't
remember the rest.

4.  By the end of the night, You have a bag full of
restraining orders.

3.  You have to carefully choose a mask that won't dislodge
your hairpiece.

2.  You're the only Power Ranger in the Neighborhood with a
walker.

... and the Number One Way You Know You're Too Old to Trick
or Treat:

1.  You don't get much candy because you keep having to go
home to pee.

_____________________________________________________________


(also a touch late for the season and also my fault, this is
from Topfive.com)

Top 14 Reasons You Really Shouldn't Wear that Halloween Costume:

14. You might think you're Evel Knievel, but everyone's going to
think you're fat Elvis.

13. You trick-or-treat dressed as Bullwinkle without checking
the dates of hunting season.

12. Even if you *are* the CEO of Disney dressed as Donald Duck,
you really need to wear pants to every board meeting.

11. Not many kids recall who Chester A. Arthur was.

10. If you're a software programmer and you come to work on
Halloween dressed as a fireman, everybody gets it. The other
way around? Not so much.

9. Yes, the bolts make your neck look fat.

8. Confronting the Grim Reaper may not have fazed the parking
attendant, but your cardiac patients are a different story.

7. Costume: Frilly pink tutu. You: Trucker from Bayonne.

6. A nudist with varicose veins is NOT the same as dressing up
as a roadmap.

5. Robin Williams takes one look at you and urges you to get
your back waxed.

4. Last time you wore *that* costume, 87.3 million Superbowl
fans filed complaints with the FCC.

3. Your multiple personalities never seem to come to a costume
consensus that doesn't end in your arrest.

2. I know that none of the other Hell's Angels have ever thought
to dress up like Peter Pan. But there's a REASON for that.

... and the Number One Reason You Really Shouldn't Wear that
Halloween Costume:

1. The stiletto heels on your Cher costume aren't conducive to
taking the grandkids trick-or-treating.

(Copyright 2004 by Chris White for topfive.com)

_____________________________________________________________


"Daddy and I went to see the neighbors' new kittens. There
were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know?"

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's
printed on the bottom."

_____________________________________________________________


Q: Who weighs 6000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant

Q: Wha't big and grey and can fly straight up?
A: An elecopter.

Q: What do elephants do for entertainment?
A: Watch elevision.

Q: How do elephants communicate?
A: They talk on the elephone.

Q: How do you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: Look for his footprints in the cheesecake.

Q: How do you tell if there are two elephants in your
refrigerator?
A: Look for two sets of footprints side by side.

Q: How do you tell if there are three elephants in your
refrigerator?
A: The door won't close.

Q: How many giraffes will fit in the refrigerator?
A: None: there are already too many elephants in there.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Open the door, insert elephant, close door.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Volkswagen?
A: Two in the front and two in the back

Q: How do you know if an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There is a Volkswagen parked outside with 3 elephants in it.

Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a refrigerator?
A: Put 4 elephants in one Volkswagen, put four elephants in
another Volkswagen, and put the two Volkswagens in the
refrigerator.

Q: But two Volkswagens won't fit in a refrigerator.
A: There were two elephants in there, and a Volkswagen isn't as
big as an elephant!

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the refrigerator?
A: You can't. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: With two scoops of ice-cream, a bottle of cream soda, and an
elephant.

Q: Why are elephants large, grey, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.

Q: Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses?
A: So he wouldn't be recognized.

Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark
sunglasses.

Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: Meow.

Q: Why do elephants wear red toenail polish?
A: Oops, sorry, no Polish jokes allowed.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in the strawberry patch.

Q: But there aren't any elephants in the strawberry patch!
A: See how good their camoflauge is?

Q: How do you get an elephant to the top of an oak tree?
A: Plant an acorn under him and wait 50 years.

Q: What if I don't want to wait 50 years?
A: Put a parachute on the elephant and drop him from an
elecopter.

Q: How do you get an elephant down from an oak tree?
A: Tell him to sit on a leaf and wait until autumn.

Q: Why are alligators long and flat?
A: They must have gotten too close to the oak tree.

Q: What's the difference between an African elephant and
an Indian elephant?
A: About 3000 miles.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have
elephants.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an egg?
A: If you don't know, I'm not going to ask you to do my
grocery shopping!

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: Why did the Frenchman sprinkle salt on the road?
A: To keep elephants away.

Q: But there are no elephants in France.
A: See? It's working!

Q: What do you do with a blue elephant?
A: Cheer him up.

Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging
elephants?
A: On elevision.

Q: How do you prevent an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.

_____________________________________________________________


(Thanks, Lynn!)

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Babara opened
a letter from home. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her
parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As
she read the letter she looked out the window and noticed
a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost
below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a
piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's
attention and tossed it out the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and
a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at the
convent door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and
found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a
huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister. Don't Despair
paid 80-to-1."

_____________________________________________________________


Taking advantage of a balmy day, four priests swapped their
clerical garb for polos and khakis and took some time out on
the golf course.

After several shots their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't
be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "But how did
you know?"

"I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

_____________________________________________________________


A rather harried and frazzled woman arrived at an airport
one day struggling with a dilapidated old suitcase made
entirely of Styrofoam. It was barely in one piece and
covered with duct tape.

Seeing this, a security guard went over to help the poor
lady with her things. As they walked to her gate, he
inquired casually, "Madam, if I may ask, why are you
carrying your things in this horrible old Styrofoam
suitcase?"

She looked at him and kinda smiled as she replied, "Even
though it may crumble, there's no case like foam."

(from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel)

_____________________________________________________________


An art collector is walking through the city when he
notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the
doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes
that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he
walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for
two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for
sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around
the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that
cat."

The owner says, "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector
continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could
throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save
me from having to get a dish."

"Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week
I've sold sixty-eight cats."

_____________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things
before breakfast."

(Lewis Carroll, 1832 - 1898)

Thanks, Barbara!

Q: Why do witches have to watch their temper?
A: They can get injured if they fly off the handle.

-----

Q: Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
A: To improve his bite.

-----

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A: Frostbite.

-----

Q: Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
A: Vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

-----

Q: How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
A: Scare spray.

-----

Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, the fingers are always eaten separately.

-----

Q: Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
A: They don't have any body to go out with.

-----

Q: What is a vampire's favorite sport?
A: Casketball.

-----

Q: What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
A: Shrinkenstein.

-----

Q: What do you call someone who poisons a person's corn
flakes?
A: A cereal killer.

-----

Q: What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
A: Dead ends.

-----

Q: What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
A: Bloodhounds.

-----

Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A: A stake sandwich.

-----

Q: What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A: A trombone.

-----

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween night?
A: Tweets.

-----

Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?
A: They have bat breath.

-----

Q: Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
A: He heard it had great circulation.

-----

Q: Why don't mummies go on vacation?
A: They are afraid that they might relax and unwind.

-----

Q: What is Dracula's favorite fruit?
A: Neck tarine
(Gary Hallock)

-----

Q: What does a ghost eat for breakfast?
A: Ghost Toasties. Or, if he's in the mood for a hot breakfast,
Scream of wheat.

-----

Q: How were the zombies invited to the Halloween party?
A: They all received in-grave invitations.
(Gary Hallock)

-----

Q: What do monsters eat?
A: Monsters eat "things".
Q: What do monsters drink?
A: Monsters drink Coke.
Q: Why?
A: Because "things" go better with Coke.

________________________________________________________________


Thanks, Wayne!

Bob Hill and his wife Betty are vacationing in Europe ... as it
happens, near Transylvania. They are driving in a rental car
along a rather deserted highway. It's late and raining heavily.
Bob can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the
car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control the car, but
to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.  Dazed, he
looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious,
with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar country-
side, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob
carefully picks Betty up and begins trudging down the road.

After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light,
which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door
and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.  Bob
immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my
wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has
been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm
afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical
doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the
nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will
see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with
Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.
Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor
places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things
are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master
work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he
climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand
piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins
to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch
movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch,
keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as
Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed
as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory. He bursts in and shouts: "Master, Master! The
Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

________________________________________________________________


After the trout left his school, he hoped to become a
steelhead at a floundry.
(Mike Bull's Pun of the Day)

-----

Arrears: What we should wash behind

-----

Coffee: Snow White's eighth dwarf; sneezy's younger brother.

-----

The blonde was so dumb she saved burned-out light bulbs to use
in her darkroom.

-----

"Have you ever been whitewater rafting?" Tom asked rapidly.

-----

Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water and prune juice?
A: A religious movement.

________________________________________________________________


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He
also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a ... super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.

________________________________________________________________


So what if I forgot his birthday? He's 43 years old!

But I guess brothers are supposed to be close.

Especially twins.

(John Dockery in Ruminations)

________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"Nothing is worse than active ignorance."

(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749 - 1832)

Guy viewing new license to DMV clerk: "I was standing in line so long,
I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

"It's okay, sir. That's how you're going to look when the police pull
you over anyway."

_______________________________________________________________________


"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me,
and she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone!"

_______________________________________________________________________


"You have three boys. How do you know which one to blame when
something goes wrong in the house?"

"I send all three to bed without letting them watch television. In
the morning I go after the one who's got the black eye."

_______________________________________________________________________


As the doctor said to the witch in the hospital, "With any luck
you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell."

-----

A witch like a candle: They're both wicked.

-----

Q: What story do little witches love to hear at bedtime?
A: "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

-----

Q: What type of make-up do witches use?
A: Mask-scare-a

-----

Q: Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A: Everyone was a goblin!
(Clynch Varnadore)

-----

"If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair
is always so neatly combed?"

_______________________________________________________________________


"Waiter, my alphabet soup only has numbers in it."

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We ran out of alphabet soup. That's stewdoku."

_______________________________________________________________________


A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R"
and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help
him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert
gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In
class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the
sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates, many of them
already laughing at him by then, and said, "Bob poked Dick in the side
because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."

_______________________________________________________________________


Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does

-----

Persimmon: Richard the fitness guru carries a pocketbook
(Cynthia MacGregor)

-----

Boss: "I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me
the truth -- even if it costs them their job."

_______________________________________________________________________


Thanks, Lynn!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the
road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No
cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could
hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stop.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into
the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind
the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly ... John looked at the road ahead and saw
a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the
hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So,
gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ...
and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said
to the other: "Look Paddy, there's that idiot that got in the car
while we were pushin' it!"

_______________________________________________________________________


Two Thoughts for Today:

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and
wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

(George Burns, 1896 - 1996)

-----

"One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a
good time."

(Nancy Astor, 1879 - 1964)

I took my daughter shopping for a witch outfit to wear at her
school Halloween parade. We hunted in several shops for an
important accessory: an old-fashioned straw broom with a crooked
tree-branch handle. Finally I found one that was just right.
"See?" I said to my daughter, "This will be perfect for you to
take to school."

The youngster eyed the broom for a moment and frowned. "Aw, Mom,"
can't you just drive me instead?

__________________________________________________________________


	 Knock Knock!
		 Who's there?
	 Aaron
		 Aaron who?
	 Aaron on the side of caution.

__________________________________________________________________


One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among
them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I
can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet,
but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick
of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and
settled the debate by eating them all ... hawk, lion, and stinker.

__________________________________________________________________


I called a wrong number recently, and realized my mistake when
no one answered after several rings. That afternoon I received
a call from a woman who said, "I'm Mrs. Jones. Did you call me
today?"

"I don't remember calling you. But I dialed a wrong number
today and that might have been yours."

"How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!"

__________________________________________________________________


Cartoon mom Marge Simpson and singing sensation Tina Turner
opened up a health food restaurant together. Their menu
was well received, but after a while they started to offer
fried selections. The latter were poorly received. Their
customers kept shouting, "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina!"

(from The Ants Are My Friends by Stan Kegel and Richard Lederer)

__________________________________________________________________


Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing
about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for
help.

A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and
I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he
reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to
shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third
time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck.
How much do I owe you?"

__________________________________________________________________


Thought for Today:

"The thought manifests as the word;
  The word manifests as the deed;
  The deed develops into habit;
  And habit hardens into character;
  So watch the thought and its ways with care,
  And let it spring from love
  Born out of concern for all beings…
  As the shadow follows the body,
  As we think, so we become."

(Buddha, 563 BC - 483 BC)