Twenty dogs were stolen from a pet shop on Saturday. Police say
they have no leads.
(Mike Bull's Pun of the Day)

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Someone broke into the police station and stole the toilet.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

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Even at a Mensa convention, someone is the dumbest person in
the room.

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Q: Why was Cinderella kicked off the baseball team?
A: She ran away from the ball.

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The cannibal policeman was arrested. He was caught grilling his
suspects.

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Q: How do praying mantises gather?
A: In Sects
(James Ertner)

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During the Reagan Administration, Secretary of State Alexander
Haig had breakfast with Israeli Prime Minister Menachin Begin.
The newspaper headlines read, "Begin and Haig breakfast."
(Jim McCandless)

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He looked deeply into her eyes and said, "Volvo, Ikea, Saab,
Stockholm." She looked into his and said, "Oh darling, you
say the Swedish things."
(Harry Farkas)

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Landlord: "I'm going to raise the rent."
Tennant: "Good, because I can't."

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A guy has a parrot that swears like a sailor, I mean he's a
pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a
quiet, conservative type and the bird's foul mouth is driving him
crazy.

One day it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"

this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy says, "That's it. I'll fix you!" and locks the bird
in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. when
the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of
invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so angry that he throws the bird into
the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din as
the bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very
quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think
that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence,
he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I have given you. I'll do my
best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that
has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot adds, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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The mother walks in on her 6 year-old son and finds him sobbing.

"What's the matter, dear?"

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, Honey, that's wonderful. You're growing up, but why are
you crying?"

"Because now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my
life."

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Since he was an animal lover, the new king outlawed all forms of
hunting. His subjects accepted this, but before very long the
entire kingdom was overrun by wild animals.

The people finally arose and ousted the king.

This was the first time a reign was called on account of game.

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The police officer stopped the car because it was zigzagging.

"Good afternoon, sir. You were all over the road back there."

"I am learning to drive."

"Without an instructor?"

"Oh yes, It's an online course."

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The well-known women's pool champion, Milwaukee Faye, was tied
for first place in a tournament. She was just about to shoot when
a mounted bear's head fell from above the fireplace. Faye became
distracted, miscued, and ended up in second place.

When the trophy was remounted above the fireplace, a sign was
placed next to it reading:

"The Bear That Made Milwaukee Faye Miss."

(Gill Krebs)

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According to The Wall Street Journal, Botox hit a billion dollars
in sales last year. A billion dollars! Of course, the Botox
people are thrilled. You couldn’t tell by looking at their faces,
but they were.
(Jay Leno)

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Thought for Today:
"My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she
looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."
(Rodney Dangerfield, 1921 - 2004)