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Bold Christian Living E-Mail Newsletter, Issue #22

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---------------
I have appreciated the strong positive response to the risks I took in
Newsletter #21. Although not everyone responded favorably (as should be
expected), many of you did. Thanks.

One brother wrote:

> Hi, Jonathan,
> Well, I guess we won't have to worry about you compromising on the
> issues in the newsletter! Thanks, brother, for upholding the standard.
> You are hitting some controversial issues head-on, and we are blessed by
> your approach.
>
> The latest newsletter had me almost jumping up and down and cheering, as
> you so graciously pointed out the erroneous assumptions of the dear
> sister regarding dating and her 14 year-old daughter's situation. How
> the enemy has so deceived the struggling church on this issue. Although
> the lady, I'm sure, had no idea how many 'hot buttons' she was hitting,
> I was grieved for the difficult situation her family had opened itself
> to accepting. It is amazing how, inch by inch, the enemy works his way
> into the lives of Christians through our doing just what seems like a
> 'reasonable', 'normal', 'typical' approach to life, like sports
> involvement, home-schooling resource centers, wanting our children to
> enjoy the things we enjoyed at their age, etc. With each of her
> comments, I was reading quickly ahead to see how you would handle the
> reply, knowing that the truth would have to be presented, but with
> gentleness.
>
> Brother, I appreciate your boldness and unwavering committment to the
> truth, presented with gentle grace and understanding. We will be
> praying for you as you continue to meet the challenges of producing the
> newsletter.
>
> (No reply necessary, I understand your email load.)
------------------

Here is another response:

> I am so thrilled in my heart to know that there is a man of God standing
> up for the principles of God's Word, and making it so plain to those
> around him. I was so blessed with your response to Newsletter #21 about
> the relationship. It helps all of us who are wanting to work out our
> salvation with fear and trembling, and to help our children and ourselves
> from being deceived by the lives of Satan and thus becoming ensnared in
> his schemes enemy to see more clearly the enemies' tactics, and have a
> more clear vision how to walk out what He has called us to in this area
> of scriptural romance. Your explanation to this person was so clear and
> concise. Thank God for your Biblical answer in this very controversial
> issue. Keep standing strong in HIM!
-----------------
Just to balance things out, however, let me share a more critical
response. This is from a brother I knew many years ago.

> I know you are very busy, so don't feel obligated to reply. I am doing well,
> and glad to recieve your newsletter. Much of what you write strikes me as
> absolutely foreign to my understanding of authentic spirituality and true
> holiness, to the God who is boundless love. You seem forever trapped in a
> myopic and truncated world view, which produces a practical theology
> denigrating to the human person. I am not challenged by your writing, but
> merely simultaneously fascinated and saddened by it. I project that perhaps
> you will think I am ungodly for saying so, that my correspondence is ungodly,
> or that I'm ungodly because (in your view) I worship Mary or some such
> nonsense. Still, I thought it better to be honest and forthright than to
> pretend that I appreciate the work that you do.
>
> Keep them coming, however, and rather than find offense, pray for me.

Actually, I appreciate your honesty. It's not offensive,
especially since we have some background together. I don't think your
expression is ungodly, although I honestly believe your understanding is
incorrect. I'm delighted to have you receive the newsletters and simply
hope they aren't so offensive they turn you away. And yes, keep praying
for me, too.
-------------------

Before we move on to this issue's continued discussion of emotional
purity (and other related topics) let me share a note for the sake of
clarifying something that came up in an earlier newsletter regarding
adoption.

> You requested one note to you about ourselves so here is a short one.
> We are a homeschooling family of seven. We have 5 children through
> adoption( which I believe is a concept you don't talk favorable about).
> I think you had feelings about adoption because of generational sin ect.

Thanks for your introduction. I just wanted to
clarify that I DO believe adoption is right and scriptural as the Lord
leads. God set the example by adopting us! Too many avoid adoption
simply out of their own selfishness. Adoption is a very loving act
representing our Father in Heaven to a little lost soul.

However, I don't encourage parents to make the adoption decision
lightly. I believe they should consider their own ability and
willingness to deal with generational iniquity. Also, in our society,
adoption generally opens the family to greater intervention by
government officials. This is too often harmful to the other family
members.

However, I know the Lord has led many to adopt children: relatives,
foreign babies, hard-to-adopt babies, etc. As God has given grace,
families should seriously consider taking the above-mentioned risks WITH
THEIR EYES OPEN, but knowing that our God will go before if they are
truly following. God gives exceptional grace when He gives exceptional
leading.

I may print this to clear up any misconception I may have left from
comments in an earlier newsletter.
-------------------

I've been wanting to respond to the following post for several days.
(Connie and I got away for a couple of days since the last issue was
published.) For whatever reasons, it has not worked out. I'm praying
this mother's sharing, and my response, help many. Let me begin with an
introcuctory not to this family:

As I told you earlier, I spent about an hour and a half on a response to
your letter earlier in the week. I was about to send it to you and paste
it into a newsletter and my computer power went out. This has not
happened before. I was really disheartened after spending so much time
on it. I gave up for that evening.

But your letter raises so many issues that so many others are also
facing. Thank you for raising such critical questions. Your heart for
your children and for the Lord's ways is so apparent. Yet clearly you
feel pressed. I hope my answer here, and continued similar input in
future newsletters serves to encourage you to follow what the Lord is
clearly leading you toward.

You wrote:
>
> Dear Jonathan,

> P.S. We got most of your articles from your web site and our eldest
> thought they were really good.

I thought I would echo this P.S. before the body of your letter, to
acknowledge that you and at least your eldest daughter are already
familiar with (and apparently in sympathy with) the perspective I will
present on your situation. I suspect you already know much of what I
will say, but sometimes it helps to have someone confirm what the Lord
is speaking to your heart already.
>
> I am writing to ask your advice. We have three daughters (16, 14, 9).
> Recently my husband and I have felt concerned them. We discovered some
> unsuitable books they obtained from the library ( not dreadful but not
> good) also our eldest had got a secret box under her bed containing
> some tapes by Celine Dion which I had told her I did not want her to
> have which had been given to her by an uncle.

Your letter raises so many issues, and I don't want to overwhelm. But
from your words, it is plain to me that the Holy Spirit is raising your
awareness. I encourage you to be bold in following His leading. You
initially referred to the library books as "unsuitable" but then
clarified "not dreadful but not good." Oh sister. Be bold enough to
label things what they are. If it isn't good, it should be excluded!
(See Phil. 4:8.)

You are clearly troubled by your daughter's "secret box." I wholly agree
with you! If she is hiding things from you, she agrees with you, too,
even if she won't admit it. It sounds, from the comment in the P.S., as
though your daughter wants to live in accordance with God's ways, but
simply needs help. That's what parents are for. Be a bold parent.

Leaving aside the question of the godliness or ungodliness of the tapes
you have forbidden (I'm not familiar with them), the fact that you "did
not want her to have" them is adequate reason for her to give them up.
Anything else is defiance. God won't bless a young lady who chooses to
dishonor her parents. For her own sake she must be trained to honor you,
not just outwardly, but from her heart.

> Amongst other harmless
> things a lot of e-mails from a christian male penfriend whom she
> started to write to without our knowledge. I read some of them the
> content appeared harmless but I felt uncomfortable about the
> relationship and the possible effect on her heart. Prior to this I had
> been praying and had a picture of her with a man sitting at a table
> across. I felt it to be a warning.

I am guessing you term these things "harmless" as a defense against
those who might call you *extreme* in *over-protecting* your daughter if
you labeled them what you really believe. You obviously don't consider
these things "harmless" or else you wouldn't be concerned about their
impact. You are "uncomfortable about the relationship" recognizing it
could have a "possible negative effect on her heart."

I only point this out to encourage you, not to scold. The world is
pressing you into timidity. I appeal to you to boldly obey what the Lord
is showing you through His word and through His Spirit. Don't fear other
folks' reactions. "The fear of man brings a snare," Solomon said (Prov.
29:25), "but whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe.
." We must resist letting others' opinions direct us. Welcome counsel,
but then take to the Lord and His word. Fear God only!

Let's deal with the question of your daughter having a "male penfriend."
You rightly fear for your daughter's heart. She is dangling it out as
bait. She doesn't know better, consciously, as the environment around
her says such interaction is perfectly normal and healthy. Yet innately
she knows there is something to hide or she wouldn't hide it. And you
apparently have at least an unexplained reservation as well.

Let's look to God's word and see if it sheds any light on this matter.
In 1 Tim. 2:9 the Apostle Paul admonished "that women adorn
themselves... with shamefacedness." What is that? It brings to mind
middle-eastern women who literally wear veils over their faces. Is that
what God is calling for? Apparently not literally, or the scripture
would have made that clear. But there is an inward quality of
"shamefacedness" (literally, "downcast eyes") that Paul was speaking to.

What would the alternative to "shamefacedness" be? What would a
BOLD-FACED woman be like? She would be forward, pushy, brash, assertive,
in-your-face, or flirtatious. Instead, God's word tells us to be
"shamefaced." (I believe men must aplly the same principle, but it is
especially necessary for women.)

How does this apply to your daughter being "penfriends" with this
fellow? Would it be "shamefaced" for my wife to be pen-pals with a man
other than me? Would it be appropriate? NO! Why not? Because she's
married. We all recognize that she has the obligation to keep herself
pure both physically AND emotionally, saving both her body AND her HEART
for me, her husband. I would be deeply upset if my wife flirted with
other men, even if nothing physical took place. It wouldn't be
"shamefaced."

Why do we fail to apply the same truth to single young men and women?
Somehow we've bought the notion that before one is married it is
acceptable to be emotionally promiscuous, even if one holds to the
biblical standard of moral purity physically.

I believe my daughter is to keep her heart just as pure as my wife is.
My sons are to guard their hearts just as much as I do.

I have asked my daughter, for example, to refrain from being close
friends with fellows. She can be cordially friendly, but is to maintain
a "shamefacedness," an emotional distance, from them. One aspect of this
is that I do not permit her to have male pen-pals, any more than I
should have women pen-pals. She can respond in a cautious, serving
manner, but she is not to develop an ongoing correspondence friendship.

Please understand, I am free to relate to women and my wife is free to
relate to men, as brother and sister in the Lord. Either Connie or I can
respond to letters from men or women. However, there is a cautiously
honorable emotional distance that must be maintained. I apply this
principle to my children as well. (For more elaboration and scriptural
arguments on this topic, I recommend my Tape #906 entitled "Shamefaced
Romance.")

> I have heard one of your tapes on preparation of youth for romance [likely
> Tape #903, recently re-titled "Youthful Romance: The Dangers of Dating"]
> and also a tape by Dr. David [likely referring to my friend S. M. Davis,
> whose tapes and other resources I highly recommend] on how
> to win the heart of a rebel and although this may not seem like much
> taken with other things I felt extremely concerned and upset.

Sister, don't feel defensive about this discernment I would concur is
from the Lord. In fact, your daughter's heart is definitely in jeopardy
God wants you and your husband to acquire and keep your daughter's
heart. In Proverbs 23:26, Solomon appealed, "My son, give me your heart,
And let your eyes observe my ways." He went on to say that this would
ensure his son's moral purity. We need to acquire the hearts of our sons
and daughters. (You can order my Tape #319, "Calling Children's Hearts,"
which deals much more fully with this.)

Let me share an incident in my relationship with my daughter, Bethany.
When she was twelve years old I went to a jeweler and had him prepare a
gold necklace with a small heart pendant. This gold heart has a hole in
it, like a key hole. I also asked him to provide a key to go along with
the necklace and pendant. (The key doesn't literally open anything. It's
simply symbolic. This was already pretty expensive as I had to have him
do some custom design work.)

I planned a special time where I took Bethany to a nice restaurant, and
during the course of the evening I shared with her my vision for her
purity, both physically and emotionally. I painted a picture of her one
day becoming the wife of a very blessed man, and being able to honestly
say to him, "I've save myself entirely for you, both physically and
emotionally. I'm completely a one-man woman."

(Some would insist such a dream is unrealistic, perhaps even unhealthy.
Yet I, and many other married people, bring regrets into my marriage
simply from past romances. By God's grace Connie and I were physically
pure when we married. But both of us bring baggage from previousl
romantic relationships we regret. If only I had saved my heart, as well
as my body, for my wife.)

As I shared this dream with Bethany, I presented her with the necklace
and the key as a gift. But then I asked her to voluntarily give me the
key back. I explained that if she gave the key back to me, she would be
promising me that she would not cultivate romantic feelings toward any
fellow until I gave him that key.

Tears come to my eyes even writing about this again. Bethany gave me the
key that night. To this day, whenever she begins to feel a hint of a
stirring toward some fellow, she immediately comes to me and/or Connie
and confides it. We affirm her, but also confirm her commitment to keep
her heart for the one she will one day marry. We pray with her, and help
guard her heart.

One day, a fellow will be given that key after we have all (including
Bethany) come to the conclusiong that the Lord has chosen her to become
his wife. I anticipate giving him the key in a public betrothal ceremony
in which he will be told that he is now authorized to draw and win her
heart.

For the time being, however, I treasure that key, and with our help
Bethany guards her heart from being stolen. She aims her heart toward
the Lord Jesus, and toward me, her father. I have her trust, her aims,
her tastes. Her heart has been given to me. What a valuable treasure!

I encourage families to find similar ways to overtly call their
children's hearts. (By the way, if you want to use the idea of a
necklace and key, and can't find them locally, we can now help you.)

> The other things being my having to work nights nursing to help pay the
> bills and having to leave the children on their own and realising this
> was not helpful to them. Also I have realised they are not totally
> trustworthy with the TV. We also have a video and our children spend
> quite a long time on the computer.

The Lord has led many goldy families to "pluck out" the television and
computers from their homes. Jesus said (Matt. 18:6-9), "whoever causes
one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better
for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in
the depth of the sea." Then He applied this truth practically (verse 9),
"And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you."
For the sakes of our children, we must be willing to "pluck out"
hindrances to their spiritual well-being.

Surely if there were some physical danger in your home, you would rid
yourselves of it, no matter how cherished it was. How much more
important is our children's spiritual health than their physical health?

But let's especially consider the question you raise about your
employment. Even if this didn't cause you to "leave the children on
their own" it would still be questionable scriturally. Paul portrayed
the Biblical norm in Titus 2:3-5 when he said older women (empty nesters
with no more children at home?) are to teach (by example?) the younger
women (with or without children) to be "keepers at home."

This antiquated idea is no longer popular today. (In fact, it is mocked
and ridiculed at virtually every turn.) But God's word will not change.
I could give other reasons why a woman should work at home rather than
in the employ of someone else (you can get Tape #703 "The Scriptural
Role of Godly Wife"), but let's focus on your children.

What bills do you folks have that are worth your daughters' souls? I
know I'm being inflammatory here. Forgive me. Please know I don't mean
to offend. But you're dealing with eternal souls. Your daughters need
supervision. They need your availability. They need your model of what
it is to be a godly woman. How can you say to your daughters, "Give me
your hearts and observer my ways," if you are away at work?

> The two eldest go into town on
> their own. I have realised this may not be wise. They also go to a
> church youth club. I am concerned to know if I need to discontinue
> this. Also, being home-schoolers, I have tended to let them be
> involved with the children of a couple of local families. I realise,
> in hindsight, this was not wise as I know the input from these
> children has not been entirely helpful. I have felt very upset and
> concerned. It is as if I have seen something in a different light.

I so admire you for sharing your heart so openly. You've asked for
advice, and I would not be true to my calling to compromise what the
Lord has shown me in His word. Your daughters have too little direct
interaction with you and their hearts are gravitating toward others
sources of fulfillment, going into town and spending time with their
peers.

As a former youth minister, I have a heart for youth workers. But I must
say, I believe the church has embraced a clearly extra-biblical design
in promoting youth ministry with any other purpose than to "turn the
hearts of the children to the fathers" (Mal. 4:6). Even the best youth
ministries focus on socializing among peers. Prov. 13:20 says, "He who
walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be
destroyed." The "wise men" God wants children and young people to be
impacted by are their parents and other older people. Frankly, the
"fools" are their peers. Even peer groups made up of other homeschoolers
will be dominated by "fools." (Much of what I'm saying throughout this
response is found in Tape #102 "Dare to Shelter.")

> I believe that although our children are seemingly okay that we have
> lost their hearts and I believe this is a critical and that we could
> lose them. I hope you don't think I am being too dramatic. I am
> considering, and I would like your advice, about separating our
> children from these things and relationships I have mentioned. I
> believe that the Lord wants us to walk in a new way. My main concern
> being the two families, both mothers being my friends with one prone
> to volatile extremes. They are not from our church and we believe God
> is moving us this year.
>
I don't think you're being too dramatic. I thank God He has given you
the prompting you describe. I see it as very consistent with Biblical
instruction. Yes, you want to maintain your fellowship relationships
with the other mothers, but you can't sacrifice your children for that.
Be open and honest with them. Don't imply your daughters are better than
theirs. Instead, acknowledge the truth of Prov. 22:15: "Foolishness is
bound up in the heart of a child" (every child, even your own). Your
daughters are no better influence on theirs than the other way around.
But your responsibility is to protect your children. Even if the other
mothers are "prone to volatile extremes" if they are truly believers,
God will speak to their hearts, also.

> Sorry to have gone on a bit. I feel radical measures may be necessary
> and my husband is not totally convinced. Please can you help and
> advise.
>
Whoa!!!! Initially you said, "my husband and I have felt concerned."
Virtually all I have said needs to be directed by the husband. If you
try to implement any of the sheltering God is leading you to without his
leadership, your daughters will not receive it. I encourage you to share
with your husband whatever you believe God is showing you, but then
leave the decisions to him. Otherwise you will bear the burden, and
likely fail to win your daughters' hearts in the end. It seems to me
your only hope is to give your own heart completely to your husband, and
then offer him whatever wisdom the Lord leads you to.
--
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God bless you.

Jonathan Lindvall Lindvall@...
Bold Christian Living http://www.BoldChristianLiving.com

PO Box 820 Voice 559-539-0500
Springville CA 93265 Fax 559-539-0804

...He who has begun a good work in you will complete it... Phil. 1:6